Previously, on "The Magicians"...
- I killed a god. - The old gods...
when we're harmless, they ignore us,
but when we become malignant, they amputate.
- Magic is gone. - I need to show you something.
Oh, my God.
I have magic.
Do you want your magic back or not?
I'll send you on an epic quest.
"The Tale of the Seven Keys."
Jules, this is our quest.
I think I'm leveling up.
- I'm... - A full-on goddess.
You're here about the fountain.
The backdoor to magic.
Alice, what are you doing?
She's destroying the keys!
I know you thought this was for everyone's good.
You'll see someday it wasn't.
Julia, you could lose your power.
Once magic is flowing again,
you have 30 seconds to attach the siphon.
I hear you have an experimental potion
that not only wipes your memory,
but creates a whole new persona.
She made a deal with us, then broke it.
Unlike the others, she belongs to the Library.
That thing, it can jump bodies.
It's seen them.
It knows magic is back.
It knows they're magicians, even if they don't.
If they don't know who they are, if they don't have magic,
- they can't protect themselves. - Will you play with me?
I think you've got me...
mistaken for somebody else.
I think anything is more fun when you do it with a friend.
Feels like there's never a reason
to last that long.
Um, I will catch you guys tomorrow, yeah?
Okay.
Shit!
Shit.
My God.
Shit.
Uh, hi. Um, hello.
Hi.
Kimber D'Antoni?
I'm Todd.
You're late.
Follow me.
Uh, I... I'm sorry. Where am I?
Upstate New York.
- Brakebills University. - Okay, hold on. How...
Good afternoon. Nice to see you.
- How is that possible? - Pro tip,
in case you remember any of this:
always be polite to Librarians.
They look harmless, but they do regulate
the good stuff, you know?
Make them cranky, all of a sudden,
there's this lag time when you put in a request.
I mean, New World Order, definitely better than it was,
but in my humble "O," a little worse than the old days.
Okay, uh, stop.
- I'm sorry, what's happening? - Oh.
You've been offered a preliminary exam
for entry into the graduate program.
Am I hallucinating?
I mean, if I say no,
that could be part of it, right?
But, I mean, no.
Um, really no. Nope.
Okay, yeah.
That definitely wasn't helpful at all.
- So... - Sorry.
Come on. We gotta hustle.
Late!
Welcome.
You may address me as Dean.
I know you all have questions.
They will be answered in time.
For the next hour,
your task is to complete your test.
Best of luck to you all.
Begin.
You know, this would go faster
if we could just do them all in one batch, like we used to.
You know we don't have that kind of supply.
Yeah. I'm just saying.
I mean, how many extra hours of our time is this taking,
when the Library could just give it to us?
Come on. You know you're thinking it.
Well, looks like the weird one's a dud.
- Is the one you said... - Shorted out the globe?
Yeah.
Never seen that before.
It was late in the day, no?
Supply runs low.
Could be that.
True.
I'll pull her and wipe her as soon as she's done the written portion.
Ah, damn it.
What was that?
- I'm not quite sure. - Let me see...
I'd advise against it.
I didn't see anything.
I've got a splitting headache.
Okay.
I'll take your word for it.
- So keep or lose the migraine? - Let's keep.
For now.
- Synced and corrected by Shazi89 - - www.addic7ed.com -
Saw it with my own eyes.
Periplaneta Americana.
- Huge. - Wow.
- A cockroach can't be good for the books. - Exactly.
I'm thinking of posting a sign to remind everyone
that their mother doesn't work here,
and they should clean up their own crumbs.
That's funny. Very clever.
Thank you.
Should I use Helvetica or Times New Roman?
Would Comic Sans communicate good cheer
or undercut the seriousness of the message?
Even your breathing is depressing today.
You know that, Alice?
Hey, I have an idea.
- Yeah? - Yeah, go fuck yourself.
I'm not here to entertain you.
If you say so.
'Cause the other day, when you tried to escape, that was funny.
All that kicking and shrieking.
Gives me a big chuckle every time I think of it.
Good day, Ms. Quinn.
Lunch.
I thought you had slaves for that.
Junior Librarians.
I must insist you eat today.
Fine. Insist away.
You nosy bitch.
Excuse me?
You read my book, huh?
Right up to the great blank spot.
Did you read that whole chapter, hmm?
You wanna talk about all the positions Quentin and I were in?
Did my book tell you how many times I came?
I can't let you starve,
and I don't want to force you to eat.
Neither of us would enjoy that.
Keep cooperating, and you may continue to receive
approved reading material.
Wait.
I have a question.
I'm sorry.
Dean Fogg's not coming.
Dean Fogg.
The new students?
Appreciate you coming
all the way here to deliver this.
Yes, well, you did... what's the word?
Mandate that I do so.
A formality.
We have the utmost faith
in your selection methods.
This is merely for our records.
This one.
Professor Lipson reported she caused an unusual reaction
on your globe.
Do you know why?
I'm sure it'll become clear.
She shows great potential.
In what way?
I'm not sure yet,
but that's why she's at Brakebills.
Well, I trust your instinct.
Approved.
Always a pleasure.
Alice is fine.
Depressed, surly.
Still asking to see you again.
She's fixated on the thing she says she saw in the castle.
You told her, didn't you?
That your independent contractors are looking into the threat, yes,
but she's not worried about mass destruction.
She's worried about her friends.
I can't think of anyone better protected than they.
Let's be frank, Zelda.
My students saved magic.
The world may throw flowers at the feet of the Order
and Irene McAllistair,
but you and I both know the goddamn truth.
The Order stepped into an oversight position.
Everything we do is to preserve knowledge,
to make things safer.
I'm not arguing the benefits.
But you are, because they come at a cost.
Bottom line: if your students resurface,
I can't stop Irene from doing what she will
to ensure their silence.
We have certain...
agreements with her as well.
So...
they must stay where they are, as they are.
They'll be fine.
Your spellwork was...
masterful.
You know my one solace, Zelda?
When my attempts to protect them
inevitably fail,
their blood will be on your hands.
Have a good day, Zelda.
Don't tell me to relax. I'm pissed.
Okay. I get it.
- But you're overreacting. - I should throw this at you.
Sam, come on.
You made three very strong arrests.
And this douchewater just walks away,
based on what? Explain that to me.
That douchewater always gets away.
What are you talking about?
Seen him booked six times.
Never sticks.
Hey, what can I say? Some people are lucky.
Or their lawyers are.
My advice is, let it go.
Uh, excuse me, miss?
Can I help you?
That guy.
He was just here.
Oh, I must not have heard.
Have a good day, sir.
"Hedge witch."
Oh, shit.
Oh, come on.
Piece of shit.
Damn it.
Get your shit together, Cunningham.
Shit!
Of course.
- Hi, Mark. - Listen, I know you're a cop.
Yeah, and, uh, I know what you are.
I was just, uh, leaving.
Yeah, I've noticed you're good at that.
Six arrests, nothing ever sticks.
Look, I don't hurt anyone. It's all strictly side hustle.
Cut the shit.
I know there's more of you.
That you call yourself, what? Hedge witches?
What the hell?
I'm not stealing anything that's gonna hurt anyone.
Minor shit. Charms, enhancements.
Nothing dark and... look, I have no interest
in poking whatever kind of witness-protection spell
you've got going, okay?
That thing tried to kill me for looking at it.
What are you talking about?
Charms, enchantments.
What, is that French for "crystal meth"?
You have no idea, do you?
You just think you're you.
Not so fast.
What is that?
Spelling bee medal?
- Give that back. - What is it?
Protection.
From?
You.
Wait, stop!
Yoo-hoo!
Arise, Your Majesty.
Arise.
What the hell?
You may approach, High King.
Come, come.
Let's take a look at you.
Hi.
What the fuck is going on?
Mm, it's a little bit worrying
that you don't seem to know, considering.
"Considering"?
Are those horns?
Wait.
Am I at Jeff Goldblum's house right now?
What did I take?
You are asleep.
I, Ember, greatest ever God of Fillory,
am blessing a visitation of my person
on your prone and receptive state.
Well, more technically,
I, an energetic emanation
previously placed here by the great God Ember,
have been activated to contact you.
"Activated."
Activated, mm,
by a disturbance of great magnitude.
Alarums, Majesty!
I have emanated to warn you.
Great ill is afoot.
Okay.
We're gonna have to take this from the top, all right?
Because I literally haven't been this confused
since the time I woke up in bed with Banksy.
This is concerning.
Which part?
For one thing, you look awfully like...
a female.
It's chilling.
No matter.
You must get to work immediately, High King.
Great, sure.
Work on?
Well, this glorious emanation
can only be triggered by world war,
pandemic, arrival of hostile
or uninvited gods onto Fillorian soil,
revolt of dwarves, or mass rising of the dead.
Not sure they'd be able to do much, the dead.
They're sort of feeble and rotting.
It just struck me as creepy, and I'd rather you put a stop to it.
Okay, horn person?
My name is Janet.
I'm not a king.
I'm an editor, a fashion editor.
You're not even wearing pants. I don't think this message is for me.
Wait.
I am Ember, you insolent little Janet.
There is no walking away.
Only doing what I say. Quickly.
I'm telling you, I don't know...
Fix this now!
Fuck me.
Fuck it.
Okay.
What?
- What the... - Fuck!
The color correction on this model is so bad, it's racist.
Set a call.
Did Dr. Liu call back?
Yes, he... he said that all the tests were normal.
My eye is weird.
Colors are weird.
How is that normal, Sophie?
Well, uh, he suggested this,
and he says he can see you next week
if the problem doesn't resolve.
Next week?
Perfect.
Well...
Now I've definitely seen this year's ugliest accessory.
It... it was the only one they had.
I'll deal with it.
It's fine.
Oh, and Sophie.
Did you order those books for me?
"Fillory and Further."
Oh, um, the Amazon account
locked me out, and... sorry, I...
I'm calling around,
but bookstores are sold out of it.
I'll keep trying.
That was a lot of words.
Just get it done.
Hey!
What the hell?
Janet Pluchinsky?
- Am I under arrest? - No.
Well, what's going on, then?
And why are you wearing that ridiculous spelling bee medal?
It's a magical amulet.
Look, I am not crazy, okay?
There's something you need to know,
and as soon as I start telling you about this,
bad shit is gonna start flying at our heads,
and this helps...
but not completely.
That makes no sense.
Would you just keep your mind open for two seconds, okay?
My name is Sam Cunningham.
I'm a narcotics officer with the Seattle P.D.
Flip to chapter three.
It's your life.
And mine.
Look, this medal thing,
it has some sort of... I don't know what to call it...
like, a field of effect, and it is bouncing shit away from us.
I'm sorry, do... do you hear yourself?
Tell me things haven't been weird for you lately.
- Well... - Something was done to us.
This guy, he told me that he is a witch,
and I know how that sounds, but he was real.
And, okay... and I know how that sounds.
Just spit it out.
He told me that I wasn't me.
That this...
wasn't my identity.
And then I found this.
Well, I've never heard of this book.
It's super obscure,
but my whole life is in it.
My parents, the Academy, my last shitty boyfriend.
"Janet Pluchinsky
had stabbed her way to the accessory editor's desk."
That's a dumb way of putting it.
The writing isn't award-winning.
And my boobs look insane in this drawing.
A man wrote this, correct?
Correct, but the details.
Did you have a pet sugar glider when you were eight?
Ate white cheddar popcorn with Tabasco for breakfast?
You have a dedicated closet for wigs and fetish underwear?
Come on!
It's okay.
What the hell?
I don't know, but there are other characters that are out there, too.
Look, I think we need to find them.
Let's get the fuck out of here! Come on!
Hey.
I know you're not sleeping.
- Go away. - Love to.
Locked in a cell.
Look, uh...
I'm not good at comforting...
But for what it's worth, it's gonna be okay.
- No, don't lie. - I'm not.
I've been where you are.
Did I ever tell you why they locked me up?
Talking too much?
I was obsessed with perfecting this spell.
You ever hear of Diogenes?
Yeah, sad-sack philosopher with a lantern,
in search of one honest man.
I was finishing his work
to find good people.
Why?
Feel less alone.
Biggest obstacle being that
almost no good people exist.
Anyway, I kept refining it,
and I realized that I had to focus on children,
because sometimes,
they're not rotten to the core yet.
Anyway, that's all I wanted,
was to find some good kids,
and in some small way, reward them.
Come to a point where I needed this book.
Restricted.
They kept it in a place they call, uh...
The poison room.
Yeah, killed one of my friends.
Yeah.
It killed some of mine, too.
I was working with these elf gentlemen.
Uh, it was bad.
- Elves... elves are real? - Sweet guys.
All that weird sex stuff you hear about is only partially true.
Anyway, the Library came after me.
Possession, uh, murder on Library property,
like... like I personally murdered anyone.
Please.
Wait.
A spells that rewards good children, and you and your elves...
That was a long time ago.
Are you Santa Claus?
Well...
Well, I'm not, not that.
But I don't like that name.
It got very commercial, very shopping-mall.
Look, just call me Nick, asshole.
I tried to escape early on.
Ended up lost in the stacks. They found me, of course,
and that's when I tried to kill myself.
Really?
How... how did you cast in your room?
- I can't do any magic. - Of course you can't.
I mean, the entire cell is coated with deadening paint.
I mean, you'd have to scrape off an entire wall to get anywhere.
How?
Uh, I did it the old-fashioned way.
I pulled the edge off of my food tray.
Well, the point is...
Is that I'm glad I'm not dead.
I'm not gonna die in here...
And neither are you.
We're both smart.
We'll figure it out.
Why do you care?
Okay.
Christmas 2004.
The pink diary that your parents
thought your brother got you and vice versa...
Wait, are you saying that that was you?
Alice, you are good.
You're nice.
Honestly, most kids as smart as you
were naughty as shit.
I... I know...
you hurt people,
and you think that means you should hurt...
but I know.
I know you are not a bad person.
Promise me.
Promise me you'll hang in there.
I promise...
Santa.
Hey! Help! Guard!
Help! Help!
Alice!
Help! Somebody, help!
Help me! Over here!
Here! Alice!
Alice!
- Help! Help! - Alice?
We need help in here!
Alice! Help!
Alice.
I should have seen this coming.
You're here
because you knowingly broke a contract with the Order.
Not for causing what happened to your friends.
You didn't cause that.
They made their own choice.
I know...
Something about guilt.
You wonder why I care.
After all, you betrayed the Order.
You probably think I've singled you out for punishment.
I did single you out.
For rehabilitation.
You have the makings of a Master.
You could go further than anyone, you know.
Fogg, your father,
Mayakovsky.
That can happen here. There's work.
Some in your situation may be invited to participate,
and then...
this isn't a prison,
because what could be more fulfilling
than immersion in the great work of the Order?
I know you hate this place.
Given what you did to those keys,
I gather you hate magic itself, so...
I won't ask...
until you're ready.
I hope that day comes.
I'm also not going to let you kill yourself.
Don't try that again.
The wounds should be healed.
Rona will bring you back to your room.
I thought you were smart.
That was so stupid.
Sorry if I scared you.
No, you didn't scare me.
You disappointed the shit out of me, you histrionic little idiot.
I thought you were strong.
I don't know why you would think that.
Uh, well, yeah, me neither.
Look, I wasn't trying to kill myself.
Really?
Look, I was just trying to figure out
a way out of here, and I think that...
I... I just need to think.
Kim.
Have a seat.
I just wanted to talk to you about my progress.
See, everyone got their discipline today.
Oh, yes. Always an interesting day.
Except for me.
I heard.
It's not super surprising, given the fact
that I haven't been able to do a single piece of magic.
Well, so far.
Heard that as well.
They're calling me a squib.
I even heard Professor Lipson say it
when she thought I was out of the room.
I'll talk to her about that.
We discourage that term.
It's considered hate speech.
I mean, but don't you agree?
Do you?
Well, I...
I mean, I think I got the highest math scores
in the history of my high school,
and I graduated Harvard on my 19th birthday.
Who didn't?
I... I'm just saying, I...
look, of course I want to keep trying.
It's like... the moment that I found out
- magic was real... - Mm.
That was the moment that I discovered who I am.
You remind me of a young woman I once knew.
Similar tenacious mind.
I rejected her from Brakebills.
Why?
Suffice to say,
I had much evidence I was doing the right thing,
but out on her own,
she got hurt, badly.
I had chosen not to protect her.
I'm simply not willing to repeat that choice with you.
So...
Patience.
Magic is real.
Magic is real!
This is the trippiest thing I have ever seen.
I gotta say, you're taking this pretty well.
Well, you know,
it's all an illusion.
The Grand Maya.
Right, yeah.
The Grand Maya. Of course, man.
Can I just say one thing?
- I cannot believe... - Hey.
- You're DJ Hansel. - Stay close, okay?
This medal thing, it works better the closer you are.
I've been listening to your Taylor Swift remix nonstop.
Is it true that you guys hooked up?
Um, Janet?
- Sorry. - You always do that.
I was just wondering
what you want me to say about all these plane tickets.
I don't want you to say anything.
I want you to expense them.
Oh, well, it's just that they don't usually allow so many.
Yeah, huge feature, okay?
- That's DJ Hansel. - Hey, how you doing?
Yeah, these are his minions.
Put that, okay?
And lattes, Sophie, from the other place.
You know, the one that... the little thing I like.
- Okay, okay. - Yeah, yeah, and...
and almond milk, please, if you don't mind.
She's young. I'm working with her.
You were working with her.
Now, who knows?
Who knows anything?
- Right, 'cause magic is real. - You know?
Literally.
Like in movies, except literally real.
So no one can find Kim the architect;
Nigel, the bastard son of a British lord,
was reported missing by his family;
and, uh, Brian the English professor,
also reported missing.
- Not worrying... - Or another way to look at it
is that the whole goddamn thing is worrying
and no one thing is any more or less worrying
than anything else.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, hey, hey.
You need breath work, man.
So how do we figure out who we really...
Don't say it.
Okay, just...
I don't know how we're supposed to talk about this
if we're not allowed to talk about this.
Yeah, I mean, shouldn't all of us
being in a room together be enough to...
- I don't know, I mean... - Okay, look.
Apparently, you have to poke the fake ID aspect
of the situation pretty directly.
Okay, just talk around it, okay?
Okay, okay, okay. Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
I say we find the writer of this comic book, right?
James Tyberius R. Martin is clearly a penname,
but whoever he is, maybe he knows something
- that can help us. - Yeah, but...
but that written 14 years ago.
I mean, what does that even mean?
Because I have memories from before,
but they're not really mine because I'm...
Uh, never mind!
Never mind, I said!
Oh, God.
You know, the guy that got hit by a truck...
- Did he die? - He's still in the hospital.
Well, if he's alive,
then we can ask him some questions.
Oh, I wish you wouldn't.
I really feel you've done enough for him.
Hi.
I'm Marina.
You almost killed a good friend of mine
and stole that from him, which he was borrowing.
So, really, you stole it from me.
Okay, relax.
I'm here to help.
Are you even listening?
Yeah, of course.
Of course I am.
We should get you cleaned up.
You've got so much blood on you
from that boring waiter.
Anyway, we'll have to do it once we get there.
We have to hurry now.
Where... where are we going?
Scoop of pistachio with jimmies.
- I said I wanted sprinkles. - Jimmies are sprinkles.
No, stop, jimmies are sprinkles!
Hmm, jimmies are sprinkles.
Anyway, Greece. A temple.
He'll be there for his transit.
It's the only time to catch him.
Flay that bastard's flesh clean off his bones.
Oh, remind me to get a coat.
Am I remembering
you kill these little bodies if you get them too cold?
Hey, is there another game that we can play?
One where we don't flay anybody?
Oh, but he deserves it, sad little man we are calling Brian.
- Why? What did he do? - He knows.
Just like how all your...
friends know too.
Friends? What... what friends?
Oh, but we can't talk about it, Brian-Not-Brian.
Your glamour gets very angry if I even say your name too much.
Look, it's better
you have no idea what I'm talking about.
These friends, I'm going to kill them,
and we have to assume it's going to happen in front of you.
It will hurt less if you don't know who they are.
I like you.
Make yourselves at home.
- Nice digs. - Thank you.
I worked really hard to steal them.
What is that?
Protection.
From?
Whatever the hell's going on with you people.
Well, I didn't say you could move in. Come on, let's go.
All right.
Well, we know it's big.
Big magic.
Wow, okay.
We know that you don't know what the fuck it is.
That's fun.
And we know if we poke it,
it pokes us back with a truck.
Oh, wow.
Now I know how the gold prospectors felt.
It's just dripping off you.
And you have no idea what that means.
That's fine.
You're all just very, very,
extremely juiced up on a level that's,
quite frankly, not legal these days.
I'm just a little curious how you all got like this.
You... you and us both.
Okay, let's take a peek underneath
and see what you really look like.
I don't think that whatever that is...
Spell, illusion, charm, whatever.
Yeah, I don't think it's gonna let you.
Relax, sweetie. This place is warded up to the vag,
- and I'm very good... - Hey.
At what I do.
Just hold still.
So you're like some powerful,
- benevolent white witch? - Uh-huh.
Oh, well, that's good.
What in creation is the matter with you, High King?
Where to start with that?
This is out little game.
I have to ask you to do things twice
because you're such a handsome king.
Enough flirtation.
It's unseemly that a simulacrum of this magnificence
should be bothered so repeatedly.
Fix it.
Fix what?
I don't know what you want me to fix!
Whatever the matter is in Fillory, you simple boy!
Find the bother.
Find it, fix it.
A, fuck you.
B, I'm not in Fillory.
What?
I'm in New York City, along with everyone else that matters.
Fillory is fiction.
- It's a kid's book. - Why didn't you say so?
Time to wake up, High King.
Many blessings.
Guys?
Sam?
Hansel?
What the high holy Jesus freak?
Wake up. Wake up.
Wake up.
Wake the fuck up! Wake up!
Fuck!
Hello?
- Synced and corrected by Shazi89 - - www.addic7ed.com -