I ain't never been this clean before.
Not even when I was born, I don't think.
You weren't clean then neither.
Ever seen a baby when it first comes out?
All bloody and covered in mom goop.
The shower gel's got mangoes.
I know. And you know what I thought I would hate,
but turns out I don't?
The way the dryer plays the song when it's done.
I like the dryer song.
I know. It's like, "Here, I made your clothes all warm for you",
"now I'm gonna sing you a lullaby," or whatever.
Anything in there?
No, not really.
Some senator guy got a BJ from another senator guy,
bunch of people got E. Coli shits from lettuce,
and, uh...
This whole section's on "dining alfresco".
- Is that French for eating naked or something? - I don't know.
No one's naked in the pictures.
Here we are...
Shit, it's Jeff.
Your new life begins here.
With original hardwood floors, recessed lighting,
and for the end of the day, when we come together
and remember why we do it all...
The fireplace.
Indulge.
Let me invite you outside,
to where nature and our lives intertwine,
on this spacious outdoor patio
perfect for dining alfresco.
Our laundry. The dryer's gonna play the song!
What the motherfucking fuck!
CREDITS
_
It's Jay Ganetti, aka "Cop a' Soup"
and I'm heading down south.
So get ready for soup pics from 11 different states!
I got 1,300 people watching. You wanna say hi?
Hard pass.
Okay, we gotta go, y'all.
Chow-da!
- Soup pun. - Uh-huh.
We're not wearing uniforms?
No. No uniforms today.
It's you, me, and my friend, Tommy Bahama.
I thought it was just us.
No, Tommy Bahama's the name of the man who makes these shirts.
I know, but why is he coming with us? Is he rich?
Jay, I was making a...
Now, look, I think I was pretty clear about this trip.
You realize all of this is off the clock?
I know, but it's not like we're going to Disney World.
Unless...
Unless, we going to Disney World, Sarge?
Well, we're gonna be traveling out of our jurisdiction,
so it'd be inappropriate to be in uniform.
You got any street clothes?
No. I just got work clothes, and I got comfies.
What is all of this?
This is my stuff for my vlogs and my blogs, okay?
Lights, selfie sticks, couple of extra cameras.
Here, take this one.
Sarge, when was the last time you took a vacation?
And what is it with this Wayne kid?
Just got a gut feeling about him.
Just let a badge at Florida handle it.
That's what I'm afraid of.
A boy like that gets put in the system, they rarely get out.
I figured I got a second chance, Jay.
It's my turn to give somebody else one.
Sounds like a bad seed to me.
Well, we'll see.
I just want to catch up with him before everything else does.
And her. The girl.
Right. Her, too.
They couldn't have gotten that far on a dirt bike.
We'll find him.
And her.
Right.
Her, too.
So, you got any of our guys on this?
No, sir.
We're leaving Brockton out of this.
If you could buy any of these houses, which would it be?
The one with the big fuckin' tree, or the one with all the flowers?
I can't afford gas, never mind a house.
I know. But for fun, if you could.
I'll take any of 'em.
I can't believe that hooker lady robbed us.
Yeah, we need to get money.
Maybe we could get jobs or something?
Oh, yeah. Good idea.
You go get your suit pressed for your interviews,
and I'll go grab my college diploma real quick.
We gotta get to Florida, so we can get your car and get the hell outta Florida.
We need to get gas to get to Florida.
Oh, hey, there's an idea.
You know what they're doin', right?
Like, standing there?
Wearin' hats? What?
They're standing around waiting for somebody to pick 'em up
to help with construction and shit.
Day laborers.
Best part about being a day laborer is it's only a day,
and you get paid cash.
I ain't never done construction before.
Anyone can do construction.
My brothers do construction and they got half a brain between 'em.
You get cash, we get gas, then we go.
Well, what are you gonna do?
I don't know, maybe have a hamburger,
play some laser tag.
Dude, I'm joking. Don't worry about it.
- You're not gonna... - What?
You're not gonna steal, right?
I'm not gonna goddamn steal.
Just gonna do what my parents do when bills came.
Sell some shit.
I got my headphones. And this necklace is like 14 karats.
But your ma gave you that necklace.
Well, my ma taught me how to survive, too.
Which is ironic, seeing how she's dead and all.
Guess I'm off to work then.
Hold up.
So you don't get sun cancer or nothing.
I didn't steal it. It was free.
Here.
- You smell like a pack of Starbursts. - Yeah.
I wanna try a real mango now.
If we get to Florida, I'll get you a real mango.
I'll see you back at the house later.
You, uh... Need me to do a job for you?
Don't get in that car, gringito.
A different kind of job.
Whoo!
Be with you in a sec.
I'm sorry. What were you saying?
None of this is worth anything.
Listen, I really need some money.
Yeah, me too, bitch.
We were in a car wreck and my husband...
Had a cheap watch.
I just need some money to bury him.
Please, if there's anything that you could do,
I'm really in a tight spot.
Lady, this is a pawn shop.
The people that come in here with stuff generally aren't
the "things are going fucking great for me" types.
It's sob stories like yours all day long, so,
again, no thank you.
- Hey. Go on, go to your ma.
Do you at least got a tissue?
There's some T.P. in the john.
Come on, honey, let's go.
Okay, kid.
Let's see what you got.
When that lady gets back from the shitter,
you're gonna tell her you was wrong
and her crap is worth something after all.
Excuse me?
I saw that little, uh,
fake ID and phony passport factory you got back there.
Sure the cops would like to see it, too.
Go ahead and call 'em. It'll be gone when they get here.
Oh, yeah? Will the picture I took on my phone be gone
by the time they get here, dick-stick?
Excuse me, ma'am.
I've changed my mind about buying some of your worthless junk.
Thank you.
Hey, I, uh, changed my mind about buying this.
Thanks, dick-stick.
Whoa, back up.
Back up!
All right, I got a two-day job.
I need five guys.
- You got tools? - Sí.
In the back.
- You got tools? - Sí.
You got tools?
Sí.
_
Oh!
What the fuck did you do?
Get your dumb ass away from my car.
Hey, I got this. I got this.
Okay, you heard the boss. Back to trabajo!
Come on. Yeah, I habla the Spanish.
Tell him to get back to work, Steve. - It's all right.
He's been in there a while, right?
He's gotta be three, four beers deep by now.
What the fuck do I know?
You figure five minutes a beer,
piss breaks...
- How the fuck long we gotta sit in here, fuck? - Jesus!
Let the man have a few beers in peace, please!
His daughter's missing, he's worried out of his gourd.
With everything he's going through, you're gonna be the beer police?
- We could at least put on some tunes. - Do not.
We're not allowed to touch Daddy's radio after last time.
You know, I bet he doesn't even remember our birthday tomorrow.
Christ. Would you shut the fuck up?
He's in there gettin' bombed. We should be the ones celebrating.
You know, it's my birthday before yours. You hear me complaining?
Oh, that minute and 40 seconds makes you so fucking mature.
You know I had that cord wrapped around my neck?
You snooze, you lose.
You know, we're gonna be sittin' outside the hotel tomorrow doing nothin'
'cause he's going to be nursing his hangover.
Hey! I will not let you smear the name of our father like this,
You know, there are only three real men in Brockton, Mass.
One, Rocky Marciano.
Two, Marvin Hagler.
Three, our father.
The man is a goddamn legend.
- Fuck this, I'm getting my tunes. - No, you're fucking not!
What the fuck do you care?
You're gonna make me an acompliment after the fact.
- I'm getting my fucking tunes. - There we go.
Feels like a Jock Jams day.
Jock Jams.
- Thank you so much. - See ya.
Can I do anything for you, my child?
Yeah, uh, don't go molesting nobody.
What the hell? This looks like shit.
We're gonna have to redo all of this.
Idiota.
Is that Spanish for idiot?
All right, tell your amigos it's quitting time.
All right, amigos, it's quitting time.
I'll drop you at the parking lot.
You can go back to your casas, or whatever Mexican for "shithole" is.
6:00 a.m. tomorrow. You might wanna show up.
It's payday.
Gracias, senor.
Hope chico de mierda won't be here.
Del?
You fit in there?
What happened to our secret knock?
I'm tired. Sorry. I forgot.
I thought you was Jeff.
Nearly gave me a frickin' coronary.
And by the way, we gotta go to a funeral.
- Who died? - Some lady's husband.
- From back home? - From here.
You know people here?
No. I saw her at the pawn shop.
This lady lost her husband in a car crash.
She ain't got no money for a casket.
Anyway, we gotta go to Henry's funeral.
- Henry's the dead guy? - It's his funeral, ain't it?
And the lady invited you to the funeral?
Yeah, she was handin' out invitations at the pawn shop.
They were pretty. You should see. I pinned one on the fridge.
I'm kidding. Jesus.
I gotta find something black to wear.
So you're gonna buy a dress for a funeral
for a guy you don't know
because you saw this lady?
I'm confused.
It's just sad, okay?
And I think we should go.
What, you don't think people being dead is sad now?
I think people being dead is sad.
So what's with the interrogation?
If you don't wanna, you don't have to.
I have to work.
How was it? Your day or whatever?
Everyone's not nice and I think the boss hates me.
That's good.
I ain't never been to a funeral before.
Not even for your ma?
I know you think it's weird that I want to go to a funeral.
And maybe it is, but I want to.
And I don't need you to understand because
maybe I don't understand, either. Okay?
Oh, man. Who did this?
If Eric sees this, he's gonna flip shit.
Look, you seem like an okay kid.
But you suck at this.
Maybe you can do a lumber run.
Huh? You know how to drive, right?
No. I could figure it out.
Jesus Christ, kid.
I got a better job for you.
Since you're really good at breaking shit,
why don't you go tear down that wall between the parlor and the den?
Think you can do that?
Yes.
Nice birthday gift. Goddamn lamp to my head.
Serves you right for draining the man's fucking car battery.
You had to have your precious tunes. I fucking told you!
I don't understand what you're smilin' about to be honest, Ted.
Okay? Now we gotta spend our birthday getting this man a car battery,
while he sleeps off his fucking hangover.
You know what? That's the last time
I want to hear you talk about the man's drinking.
You know what, Carl? I've had it up to here
with the disrespect from you, to be honest.
You know what?
I'm just saying this is our special day. Okay?
So that means we owe it to ourselves to get something cool.
A couple forties or something.
Hey, I count at least four more lamp shades inside.
You want to add to that shiner?
Fuckin' guy...
Who snuck you into that Bruins game that one time?
He was wicked hammered.
We got 86ed first fucking period!
Always with the black lining.
Look, we'll get the fuckin' battery, all right?
But we're going to Flappy Jack's for free hotcakes first.
- It's our god-given right. - We ain't getting shit.
But Daddy always get free hotcakes on his fuckin' birthday.
All right, fine.
But only because it's Daddy's tradition.
Tradition.
Hotcakes and flapjacks. Yes!
Whoa, whoa. I think you found your calling.
You're like the Hulk Increible or something.
Or Conan the Barbarian.
- Ah. - Ho!
What the fuck did you do?
Did he tell you to demo the parlor wall?
I told him.
That's not the parlor wall, it's the fucking living room wall!
This is coming out of your pay!
I told him to.
What's that, Pepe?
Because of the mold.
You should be thanking this guy.
Just...
You fucking get back to work
and get the fuck out of my face.
Damn, girl!
You're gonna knock 'em dead, sweetie.
Yeah, well, he's already dead, so...
You are into some weird shit, little.
Hotcakes!
Free hotcakes and two tap water.
Let me know if you big spenders would like some saltines
or ketchup packets as well.
This is no way to treat the birthday boys here.
What, you want me to sing "Happy Birthday" or something?
That depends, what's 15 percent of nothin'?
Fifteen percent? Who are we, Bill Grates?
Cheap bastards.
Free hotcakes!
Free motherfucking hotcakes!
You know, I guarantee you this is the only thing we get today.
You think that cheap piece of shit is gonna get us a present or something?
This again?
Yeah, this again. When's the last time he bought anything for us?
Okay, listen. He's not the best gift giver, I get that.
But who pays for that roof over your head,
you ungrateful sack of shit?
We got evicted twice last year because he did not!
Holy shit.
Flappy's got beers.
Hey, Menu Lady!
Menu Lady, beers here.
- Beers delivered here. - Domestic only.
Miss. Miss!
Miss. Hello!
What about the dress?
It looked fabu on you.
Oh, I think I'm just gonna wear my own clothes to the funeral.
Funeral?
You gonna wear this sexy-ass thing to a funeral?
It's black, ain't it?
Yeah, true.
You know, at my uncle's funeral,
my auntie propped him up like he was playing poker.
Different strokes. Kenny ain't here to judge.
Anyway, my condolences.
Uh, family?
I actually don't know the guy,
or his wife. I just...
I can't stop thinking about it.
Like I gotta be there or something. I don't know.
Well, it's better than not caring at all.
So, I just guess
it doesn't really matter what I wear. Thanks, though.
Uh, hey.
Just take it.
It's on me.
- You don't have to do that. - Oh, shh.
Child, I steal shit from here all the time.
- You like mole? - Never had it.
Here, try it.
Oye, Ramon!
What'd he say?
He says he wants to share some of his lunch with you, too.
Oh, sure. Bring it over.
Oh, it's okay. I had some earlier.
Thanks for this.
My pleasure, mijo.
Pretty cool how you found that mold.
Not mold, mole.
Why'd you do that?
You seemed like you needed a break.
Plus the boss is a hijo de la gran puta.
Alberto called me the same thing earlier.
Do you think that's good?
You should try it the way my wife makes it.
Mmm. Even better.
Man, I miss that woman.
Where is she?
In Oaxaca. My whole family is.
Man. That must be really hard.
Yes.
It's a long time to be with no wife in bed. You know?
What about you?
You got a family?
Not no more.
No one?
Well, there's a girl.
A girlfriend?
I want her to be.
But I don't know what she wants.
And sometimes what she wants doesn't make any sense.
Just listen and show her that you care.
Don't try to fix it.
Just listen and nod.
Then maybe you'll get your mole.
I can do that.
Dining alfresco.
And how about the fact that he always makes us share these track suits?
Is that not fucking weird to you?
We love these track suits.
You do because you get the top half.
How come every time I have to be the fucking bottom?
Because you're a whiny ass! That's why you're the fucking bottom!
Okay, we're closing.
So, you guys gotta go.
But I thought you were open 24 hours.
We are. Just not today.
Is this any way to treat the two birthday boys here?
Do I really have to go get my dick manager
and go through all that?
Fine, we're leaving.
But I'm takin' these Flappy beers.
You remember that time Daddy took us to go skating at Asiaf Arena,
but he was too fucking cheap to pay for us both?
So you got to go skating and I sat there watching your shoes?
And then he was too bored, or drunk, or both,
and we had to go? I never had my fucking turn at skating.
Man, our daddy fucked you.
You shoulda gotten your turn.
That's what I've been saying.
I'm glad you heard me when you needed to hear me.
You should write poems or something.
Whoa. That is so fuckin' crazy that you say that,
because I fuckin' do.
I would read that shit.
Thanks, bro.
What the fuck? Are you fucking serious right now?
- We're having a fucking conversation here. - Are you stupid?
- Fucking peabrain. - Jesus Christ.
What the fuck is his fucking...
Whatever. Let's just get the fucking battery
before he gives a fucking shit-fit.
Let's kick Daddy's ass.
What?
Let's kick his fucking ass.
All our lives, he's pushed us around.
"Do this, Carl. Do this, Teddy."
It's time he knows we got our limits.
We got bigger. We're stronger.
Hey. We could take him, right?
Let's kick his fucking ass.
Where's everyone at?
Quittin' time.
Eric's taking the rest of the guys.
Is there more work?
You don't want to go with them. Believe me.
I mean, you almost got carted off with 'em
'til Eric realized you wasn't one of them illegals, too.
Illegals?
Yeah, you know. Immigrants.
Guys that ain't supposed to be here.
Okay, I'll tell you, because we're the same.
Check it out. Eric came up with this thing
where he makes 'em work, then he drops 'em off at immigration,
so he don't have to pay 'em.
Smart, huh?
What do they do to 'em?
They run.
Some of them get shipped back to where they came from.
You should see 'em scatter when they realize where they are.
Cracks me up every time.
"Ai, ai, ai! Ai, ai, ai!"
Funny, huh?
Who was it? It was an illegal. And it's now...
Hey, it's hot back here!
It's been too easy for too long...
Where you taking us?
What the fuck?
Is that my car?
That's my fucking car!
Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Fuck!
What the fuck?
Bullshit!
Ow!
Ow, you fuck... You fuck...
Fuck! Fucking fuck!
Mother fuck...
He was gonna send you to immigration.
Ambulance! Call an ambulance, you fuck.
Gracias, gringo loco.
- Fuck! - Nice work, Conan.
You take care of that girl, okay?
Amigo, no, no, no, no! Por favor. Help me.
Call an ambulance!
Oh, you fucking cocksucker!
- Okay, you ready? - I was born ready.
A minute 40 seconds after you.
And man, don't see good in his left eye.
Okay? So hit him from the left.
Punch him in the dick, hold him down,
- I'll wail on him. - Okay. - Okay.
What if he's already lying down?
- Skip step one. Straight to the dick. - Straight to the dick.
Okay, on my mark. On three.
One, two, three.
Hold on, hold on, hold on.
Yeah, we got voicemails.
Happy Birthday, Teddy.
Happy Birthday, Carl.
Fuckin' Del.
Thoughtful bitch.
Let's go get that battery.
- You're here. - Yeah.
I, uh, wanted to be here for...
Harry.
Henry, but whatever.
We gather here today to celebrate the life
of Henry Dunn,
who has now returned to his home with our God, the Father.
Knock it off.
A life taken far too soon.
Losing a parent is never easy,
especially for a small child.
Just know that Henry will always be watching...
CREDITS
Next on Wayne...
I don't know if I'm the type of person
that people would really, even like or whatever.
Well, sometimes,
to get people to like ya, you gotta not be you at all.
Why does she care if people fuckin' like her or not?
If people aren't assholes now, they're gonna become assholes later.
Mark my fuckin' words.
You're smart, you're kind, you're pretty,
you can do a frigging underwater handstand!
Maybe I wanna be noticed for once.
For something good.