First thing I'm gon' do when I become Principal is fire you.
Well, the first thing I'ma do when I become Principal,
is keep you on staff as my slave.
Gentlemen, I'd like you to meet the new Principal at North Jackson!
- Surprise! - Fuck!
Dad, you don't like the surprise?
I didn't get the job.
Must be tough wranglin' all them kids.
I don't know how you do it.
If I told you I just stole a man's wife and family,
you'd understand how to do that.
Everyone thinks you're an asshole, Neil.
You come off as a blow hard.
Belinda Brown needs to take her big ol' butt
back to Philadelphia.
She's firing every other Vice Principal
she's ever worked with.
Shall we align?
Let's take that bitch down.
Now is the time to strike.
This is not what I signed up for.
My house is on fire.
You tryin' to get your little dick wet.
I've seen a different you.
That was the real me.
I'm just trying to be respectful.
Next time Brown starts runnin' her mouth, I'ma get it on video.
I'ma pee on your car.
This is you, bitch. You can resign.
I'm asking you serve as co-interim Principals.
I can't shake this feeling that Brown
is hiding behind the corner waiting to strike.
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Wake up, Daddy.
- Daddy. - Fuck!
What the hell's going on?
You were screaming in your sleep again.
Must be those Burrito Supremes I had before bedtime.
Daddy, are you ever gonna get better?
Perhaps.
But I'll never be the same again.
So then after all that...
...they didn't have any spaces in the Harris Teeter lot,
and so I had to park, like, five minutes up the street.
Well, Dr. Ray prescribes one foot rub
taken before bedtime.
Oh, does he now?
- Good morning, Liptrapps. - Neal...
you don't need to use the stair chair anymore.
The insurance people said to return it like two weeks ago.
Yes, I do, Gale.
If I put all my weight on my hip,
I could collapse and my leg would explode and fall off.
His wounds may be healing, but don't underestimate
- the post-traumatic stress he's dealing with. - Yes. Thank you.
You know, I wouldn't even be this far along in my recovery
if you weren't my live-in nurse.
You're the best, Ray. I mean that.
Gale, stop putting food in your face.
I need you to prepare me a plate of breakfast.
I wish to dine upstairs.
I'm not your servant, Neal.
Gale, when Ray offered for me to stay here to recuperate
with all that had befallen me,
that was a very kind gesture.
- It wasn't just me. - It wasn't.
Okay, fine. When Ray and Janelle
offered for me to recover here,
that was a kind gesture. But you know what?
With your sassy little looks, Gale,
you are ruining that gesture.
Guys, she's ruining your gesture.
- All right. Fine. Here you go. - White toast as well, Gale.
I'd like white toast.
- Not that much of it. - Take your plate.
You can't wait to get my ass out of here, can you?
Have some compassion, for God's sake.
An assassin's bullet took my dignity,
my job, and my legs.
No-- You have legs, Neal.
Working legs. You just choose...
All right, now. All right.
Have a good day at school, Janelle.
I will.
- Love you, baby. - Love you too.
Student drivers.
Lone gunman.
Who could this be?
"Terror strikes local high school,
vice principal shot."
Murderer: Indian gunman.
Weird mask.
Terrible shot.
Missed all vital organs.
Belinda Brown.
Had to be her.
Dr. Brown, Dr. Brown, Dr. Brown.
She did this.
Thought you could run, Belinda Brown.
I was wondering, Dr. Brown,
do you feel bad about shooting me?
So am I.
An eye for an eye. Tooth for a tooth.
Bullet in your fucking mouth.
Do you feel bad about shooting me?
So am I.
Hello, Dr. Brown. It's good to see you.
You have a beautiful smile.
Put my fucking gun in it.
It's judgment day, Belinda Brown.
Violence is never the answer.
But it is the solution.
My hands are empty. I have no weapons.
Psych.
Oh, Brown.
So am I.
Boom.
Baby, baby, wood paneling?
We're remodeling our dream home, baby,
not some fucking hillbilly cabin.
Relax, Lee.
It was just an idea.
Well, it's a bad idea!
Have you never watched HGTV?
Oh, and the landscape guy called.
And what did you tell him?
I told him you wanted the biggest, fanciest koi pond they have.
I want to see the water flow!
I love you, baby!
Gotta go!
- I got it. - Yep.
Brought his painkillers.
- You're a lifesaver, Lee. - No, Ray...
these are Life Savers.
Butter rum. You remembered.
Hey, Neal, your drug dealer is here!
You look tired, Gale.
How's our little invalid treating you?
He's a pain in my ass.
Well, you go get some rest.
I'll take it from here.
There are more lines on your face
than a Tokyo road map.
Neal?
Two for me.
And one for Neal Gamby.
Ugh. Yuck.
I don't need your artificial painkillers.
I have my ducks.
Look at 'em. So peaceful.
I really enjoy these biweekly rendezvous.
Russell!
What the fuck are you doing?
That's a new loaf of bread, Russell!
They're gonna choke on the wrapper.
I don't give a fuck about these ducks.
Now, you know why I'm here.
Answer's still no.
Neal Gamby belongs at North Jackson High School,
not some cystic fibrosis commercial.
Ain't nobody got cystic fibrosis.
Maybe you haven't been diagnosed yet.
What, you can't be principal all by yourself?
Oh, trust me, I'm doing fine.
I'm like a fucking famous king over there.
I'm like King Tut.
King Tut died 'cause he was poisoned.
I don't give a shit. I'm the king!
Glad that things are going good 'cause I'm busy.
- I'm hunting Belinda Brown. - Again with this.
You heard what the cops said.
It was a stereo thief and you spooked him.
Come on, do you really believe that?
No, of course not.
Precious torched our cars and popped a fucking cap in your ass.
But is that what you're gonna tell the cops?
You want them to uncover all the fucked up shit that we did?
Now, it's time.
You need to move forward.
How am I supposed to move forward, Russell?
I can't even fucking walk.
I'm crippled.
I don't even recognize you anymore.
Why don't you take a fucking bath?
You stink like a fucking finger
that's been stuck up an ass all day.
I just can't move forward until she pays the price.
When I finally find her,
I will approach her, and I'll show her my hands
and I'll say "I have no weapons."
And then I'll ask her,
"Do you feel bad about shooting me?"
She can say yay or nay.
My response will be the same for each: "So am I."
Shoot her in her shoulder,
shoot her in her hip,
- blow up her vehicle, even-stevens. - "So am I"?
How is that even a response
to "Do you feel bad about shooting me"?
It should be, "So do I."
Just leave me alone with my birds.
Leave you alone? I'm not gonna leave you with your birds.
- I can't... Stop, Russell! - You're not a cripple!
Gamby, you're a caged beast.
Well, it's time for that beast to come out and play!
Russell!
What the fuck are you doing, Russell?
The fuck you mean what am I doing?
Get up!
Get your fat ass up!
Don't you see?
You're pushing everybody away.
Now, you've already done it to Snodgrass
and you're about to do the same thing to me.
If you don't stand up right now...
Get off your fat fucking ass right now!
- Stop! - I'm done with you!
Now get up!
Like a beached whale. God.
What a pussy.
Now that is
the savage son of a beast I know and love.
Welcome back, Mr. Gamby.
Don't you want to park in the good spot?
- The handicapped spot? - Well, yeah.
I don't need any special treatment.
On behalf of the Honor Society,
we would like to thank you for your heroism and bravery
with this get well basket.
I've already got myself well. Keep it.
We'll carry it in for you.
- Metal detectors? - Yeah.
Ever since the incident.
What, do we live in a damn police state now?
What's next, barcodes stamped on our flippin' foreheads?
- Who in the hell are you? - Officer Willows.
Appointed by the local PD. Trained to prevent incidents.
What's going on with that red ribbon there?
Is it titty cancer awareness month?
No, Mr. Gamby. That there is for you,
to symbolize the blood you spilled.
You, sir, are a true hero.
That's right. Come on now, get in there.
Take it easy on that hip.
Probably my watch?
Oh, that's all right, baby. You're good.
Come on now. Get your asses in there.
Cue the music please. He's almost here.
Would you know my name
Welcome home, Neal Gamby.
If I saw you in heaven?
Would you be the same
If I saw you in heaven?
- What is this? - It is a real-life hero's welcome for you.
- I do not want this. - That's okay.
I must be strong
And carry on
Cause I know
I don't belong
Here in heaven
This is ridiculous.
No, he doesn't belong in heaven, does he, North Jackson?
He belongs right here
on the earthly plain with us!
Neal Gamby was shot
by a stereo thief, a coward,
in the parking lot of this very school.
But he returns to us
to do what he loves more than anything in the world,
and that is being a vice principal.
Now, I know North Jackson is thrilled to have him back.
To our returning real life hero,
Neal Gamby!
- Please, Russell... - Just do it.
No one, uh, informed me
that this program was happening today,
so I didn't prepare any words.
Oh, well, you... Then you don't... Then just make it up.
Just...
A, uh, very funny thing
about when you get shot is that you...
have trouble sleeping, you wake up screaming,
covered in sweat, scared, angry,
not at the person who shot you,
but at God for not letting you die.
It's, uh, good to be back. Thank you.
Baby steps.
That-- that's enough steps.
Uh, Tigers, I want you to join me
in helping bring about some--
Just leave him alone please. PTSD is serious.
- Please just leave him alone. - No, I don't have PTSD.
- Just don't tell people that, okay? Thank you. -Please join me
with a big Tiger...
- No. - We love you, Neal Gamby.
Okay, the light needs to stop shining on me now.
Back to him, goddammit.
Put it right here, on me.
Why do you gotta be such a party pooper?
The school doesn't even look like the same place I left.
Why the hell didn't you tell me about all these changes?
Because I knew that you would hate it.
But we had to rebrand after the shooting.
"Warriors" makes everybody think of fighting and attempted murder.
Well, "Tigers" makes me think about taking a dog shit.
Ya punks!
I'll take you little reefer addicts all the way to the mat.
Who the fuck's the butch?
Oh, that's Vice Principal Nash.
"Vice Principal Nash"?
- You hired a vice principal? - Will you fucking relax?
You were gone and I needed a little muscle.
Besides, you're gonna love Nash.
She's built like a corncob pipe, swears like a sailor,
and the only thing she likes better than kicking ass is eating pussy.
Plus, I think y'all go to the same barber.
Vice Principal Gimpy, how are ya?
The name's Gamby.
Yeah, I know. I'm... I'm just joshing ya.
Well, don't josh me, okay?
I don't think it's funny when people make jokes about what happened to me.
My apologies. No... no disrespect.
What did Jason Deevers and Phillip Simmons do here?
These lowlifes thought smoking dope
was more important than going to your memorial ceremony.
Oh, a couple of dopers, huh?
You guys know what goes good with ganja?
Popcorn.
We don't do circles anymore.
I know how much you hated that touchy-feely bullshit.
We're back to in-school suspension.
Oh, okay. Yeah.
F circles.
All right, fine. ISS.
I will lead you. Come with me.
You know what, let's let Nash do the dirty work.
I wanna show you what I did you my office.
You have to see it.
Okay, keep walking...
Okay. keep walking... and stop.
Ta-da!
Wow.
Still a work in progress,
- but you get the idea. - It's fantastic.
I mean, the children are saluting you
and there's tigers and--
- You get what I'm going for. - Yeah.
I mean, it's almost like a Chinese buffet, but, you know, classier.
Look at this. That says "Lee Russell. Principal."
- That's what this says. - Wow.
Watch this. You ever done this before?
Huh?
Pretty great. Pretty great.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got really open hips.
Oh, hey, Mr. Gamby.
It's so good to see you.
Um, here are some gifts and cards that people sent for you.
Oh, it's good to see you, too, but I don't want this.
I don't know why the hell everyone's giving me a fucking gift basket.
- Oh, take it, Gamby. - No, I don't want it. What am I gonna do with it?
- People care about you. - Get it out of here 'cause I don't want it.
- People just want to welcome you back. - I don't need a teddy bear
- and balloons and suckers. - Russell, where the hell have you been?
I don't understand-- Gamby!
Ha! So good to have you back!
Mr. Russell, Superintendent Haas is here to see you.
Thank you for the timely notice, Mrs. Swift.
You fucking idiot. Go. Take that box.
So what's it feel like to get hit with a bullet?
Did not make my body feel good.
I can only imagine!
Oh, the world we live in, huh?
Well, we'll have to catch up later
'cause Lee and I have some issues to discuss.
- Don't we, Lee? - Yes. I-- I think maybe we should let
Gamby do the rounds so that he can get reacquainted
with all of the changes in the school
while you and I talk.
That's a good idea.
Well, good to be back and great work on the office, Russell.
It looks terrific. Uh...
Open or closed?
- Open. - Closed.
He-- he said to do closed.
Have a seat, Lee.
- At least the chair's in the budget. - I'm just trying to improve
- the general atmosphere... - Trying to do what? What the hell is that?
That's not a couch. It's an Egyptian barge!
Tony.
Oh, hey.
- Look who's back in town. - Yeah.
Tiger Town, apparently.
Yeah, there have been a lot of changes.
So, uh...
- how's the old hip? - Pretty much sucks.
It's all black and rotten.
It's green and reddish scabs
and crust, bumps...
I'm just kidding. It's not corroded.
It-- it's healed. It's just like a scar now.
Neal, I called you a bunch of times.
I tried to visit you in the hospital.
- Sent you a fruit basket, you know... - I never got a fruit basket.
I didn't get a phone call.
Well, Amanda, it's probably just because
physically, I wasn't capable of making phone calls.
You know, I've had to learn how to redo a lot of things
that most people just take for granted.
You know, like walking
or wiggling your toes,
- holding a telephone. - Okay, but...
I thought it was a bit weird that you cut me off like that.
- Hi. - What the fuck?
Sorry. Did I hug the bullet hole?
Didn't mean to do that. I just missed you so much.
What happened to your hair?
What do you think?
I think it makes your face look long like a mule.
Yeah, yeah. Cool.
I can respect a guy who knows what he likes.
I have a class to teach, so--
Actually, I have to leave even more.
It was a pleasure catching up with you two.
Oh, my God, yes, such a pleasure.
He said, "Nice talking to you guys."
Yup.
Mr. Gamby walking with a cane and shit.
- Man, you look like Iceberg Slim. - Who's that?
He was a pimp, man.
A famous pimp. He wrote like seven books.
Well, I can assure you, Dayshawn,
My condition is anything but pimp.
I understand you're the one who found my bullet-riddled shot body.
Yeah, I did, man.
Blood leaking all over the place and shit.
I mean, most of it was blood.
I think you might have used the restroom on yourself, man.
Front of your pants was all warm and dark.
No, that was sweat, Dayshawn.
No, that was tee-tee, man.
It was not tee-tee, Dayshawn.
You ain't gotta be embarrassed.
So what? Your prostate went apeshit.
- Can we please just move on from this? - Okay.
What's the payback gonna be?
The payback for what?
You saved my life, Dayshawn.
What do I gotta do to pay you back? Name it.
Oh, Mr. Gamby, you don't owe me nothing for that.
I wasn't gonna leave you out there bloody and possibly full of piss.
Well, I appreciate that, Dayshawn. You're a true friend.
But I do owe you a debt
and I like to make sure that all my debts are clean.
If you want to do a brother a favor,
you could let me duck out a little bit early today.
You can squirt out early.
It's good to have you back, man.
Now that we're totally square for you saving my life,
- I'd like to ask you a question, Dayshawn. - Okay.
Where's Dr. Brown?
I ain't got no idea, man.
I was never really tight with her like that.
You guys weren't tight,
you know, despite... your similarities?
- You mean 'cause we both black? - Well, I didn't say that.
- Yeah, you did. - You said that.
- No, I didn't. - There was insinuation somewhere in there.
There was no insinuations, but, yes, you were right. It's true.
That lady never spoke a single word to me.
She'd always send, um, Ms. Swift in there to talk to me.
Ms. Swift?
Swifty.
Where is she?
- What? Where-- where is who? - You know who I'm talking about.
You were her closest ally, her right-hand woman.
I know she told you where she went.
- You mean Dr. Brown? - Yeah.
I haven't heard from her since she skipped town.
Well, I believe you,
but, unfortunately, my friend here does not.
- Where is she? - We don't talk much.
I-- I just give her little updates now and then.
- Little updates? - Yeah.
Oh!
That is not my car!
Stop stalling! Where is she?
She moved to Gastonia with her family.
Give me her mailing address.
- I don't have it. - Give me her mailing address!
I don't have it on me. It's at my desk.
Okay, well, that's all you had to say. Just go get it.
- Okay. - Just... I don't know why you're making me yell.
Just if you have it, get it.
Just don't...
- This isn't your car? - No.
You were making an arc like this was your car.
Why would you be walking towards here if this wasn't your car?
I'm trying to expose you all to something different.
Don't talk back to me...
From the gentleman at the bar.
You piece of shit.
You creepin' on me while I'm trying to have a family dinner?
- I ought to beat your ass. - Calm down.
As you can see, I have no weapons.
I'm unarmed.
Do you feel bad about shooting me?
I ain't shoot your ass.
Please answer the question with a yes or no.
- What question? - The question that I just asked.
Do... Do you feel bad about shooting me?
I told you already.
So am I.
No.
Back up. No, no.
Don't you dare. Kick it over there.
Kick it over there.
- Nice try. - You come here to kill me? Is that it?
No, not kill you, just put two bullets in you
and make you piss yourself just like you did to me.
Please.
I didn't have nothing to do with your dumb ass getting shot.
Oh, I find that hard to believe after what we did to you.
I have no doubt you and dick lips are gonna get what's coming to you.
The Lord's gonna take care of that.
You fucked in God's eye.
Look, I don't care about all that bullshit anymore.
Stupid fights, everybody trying to be the boss,
it's behind me.
There's more to life than some silly job, Mr. Gamby.
Belinda Brown, black of skin and silver of tongue,
I know you're lying through your teeth.
You haven't found peace.
Motherfucker, I have moved on.
- Hey, hey! - Check this shit out.
- What the fuck are you doing? - Look.
What the fuck?
Is that supposed to be me?
You and Russell eatin' shit.
I put both of y'all behind me,
just like the gin.
Are we holding hands?
Sure are, bitch.
Forever in ink.
How dare you put ink of me onto your back
of eating shit and holding his hand that way.
That's filthy.
You're a bigger fool than I thought you were.
Have you never really considered
why you got shot and Russell didn't?
What are you talking about?
You got gunned down.
He got the principal's job.
I hear he's drivin' a BMW.
Isn't it really strange
how everything worked out for Russell?
Get this damn sword out of my face so I can go eat.
Any student interested in track and field,
please sign up with Ms. Pitts in the health room.
- Good morning, Mr. Gamby. - Today's lunch menu includes Salisbury steak,
au gratin potatoes, and vegetable medley.
Sounds delicious, doesn't it?
Sounds delicious to me.
Thought I might find you here.
I don't even recognize this school
now that you've taken it over.
Tiger shit everywhere, metal detectors,
TV shows.
At least this place looks the same.
It's called progress, Gamby. You'll get used to it.
Lee Russell, did you shoot me?
- Did I do what? - Did you fucking shoot me?
No.
- Of course I didn't. - I was just looking around
and you definitely seem like the person who benefited the most.
You got a big house, new car, a big fucking
fancy principal office all to yourself.
How dare you, Neal Gamby.
I helped you recover.
I cared for you.
I wiped your fucking ass,
got your shitty, little dingleberries
all underneath my fucking fingermails!
Now you are surrounded by nothing but enemies,
and you're gonna turn on your only friend?
Well, are you sure you didn't do it?
After everything that we have been through?
You don't even deserve to have me touch you.
Fucking asshole!
Fucking friend.
Fuck you. Fuck you!
I'm sorry, Lee.
I-- I just don't even know what end is up.
I'm all destroyed, decrepit.
And I'm looking at you and it just seems like
everything's going so good.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, my life is roses.
I'm barely hanging on.
There's a full-on revolt coming, Gamby.
All the teachers are sticking their cocks in my mouth.
Haas is behind me, fucking me up the ass.
I spend all day jerking off all the parents,
trying to keep them happy.
And my taint's being licked by the goddamn budget.
It's the most annoying, confusing gang bang
I've ever been in in my life, and trust me,
I have been in a few.
I hate to admit this, Gamby, but...
I don't know that I have what it takes.
The reason that I brought you back here
was because I need your help.
You and me, we can turn North Jackson around.
We get shit done together.
I did not shoot you.
I would never do that.
But I have been trying to figure out who would.
What's that?
Suspects.
Everyone you've ever crossed.
Everyone who hates you,
everyone who wants to see you dead.
Russell, that's my daughter.
Yeah.
Now that I'm principal,
I have ultimate access to all school records.
Dweebs, gutter punks,
Sally.
Psh. Sure have made a lot of enemies.
Yes, you have, but you've also made a friend.
I'm sorry I accused you of shooting me
after you went and did this nice gesture for me.
Let's go find the motherfucker who shot you.
Yeah.
And when I find that son of a bitch,
I'm gonna shoot him in his dick.
Or her, 'cause it could be a girl.
Then she shall be shot in her privates, too.
Nigga say he want war Better skrap up with you cliq
Yeah, I think you want this beef keep thinking it a game
Eric Janssen.
Turn the boom box off.
Lamebrain. This is a music-free cafeteria.
Yeah, turn the boom box off.
- Who the fuck want war? - I did not say up. Off!
Off with the boom box now!
Don't you laugh at me!
There is no music allowed in the cafeteria
and that is a direct violation.
You want to fucking bitch about it?
How about you and I go take a walk to my office?
Or you can shut the fuck up!
That goes for ever other man,
woman, and goddamn student in this school.
The misbehaving, the disrespect, the cursing,
all that stops right now.
If anybody in here fucks around,
you're gonna end up with your tits in a ditch!
Believe that!
The time of lawlessness is over!
The fun is done!
I'm back and I'm ready to put my foot
inside someone's ass.
Am I understood?
I said, am I understood?
Yes!
That's how it's done, Nash.
Enjoy the rest of your day here at North Jackson High School.
Eat your mashed potatoes, you jackass.
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