So are you gonna do it or aren't ya?
It's just...
I never talked to one before.
Well, she's not gonna bite ya. Unless you ask.
Hey, maybe the rain'll stop.
No. Not stopping.
She says I'm too young.
Fuck.
I think maybe my brother didn't explain quite right.
I get this is a strange request, but...
Honey, this one time, the guy wanted to watch me
pleasure myself with his prosthetic hand.
Strange requests are kinda my thing.
Strange requests cost.
Who's the lucky guy?
What's our one goddamn rule?
Oh, Christ, Deborah, don't throw a hissy.
Show some respect for the guy who stocked you with the new towels.
Macy's Hotel Collection?
That's "hotel" with an "H".
You know what? Go fuck yourself.
No, go fuck yourself.
Okay, and I'm gonna blast the heat when we get in there.
Then hot shower. Then HBO.
I wanna smell the soaps.
You're weird, man.
Hey. Look.
_
Oh, holy shit.
We made the news.
What, you think the manager will recognize us now?
Or the hooker lady?
No, we're good. They used my corny-ass school pictures.
We're in business, kids.
I also offer a variety of other non-erotic type services.
Weed, black market DVDs,
I'm also a notary.
All right, then. Don't do anything I wouldn't do.
- Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -
_
Every school has that kid, right?
The kid nobody talks to?
But if Wayne comes to talk to you, well, you're fucked.
Hey. Watch your language.
Never ate with utensils. He's like an animal.
I once saw him hammer a No. 2 pencil into a dude's hand.
He burned his dad alive. You know that, right? Set him on fire?
He once ate a frog in class.
But not, like, biology class. In English class.
Utensils or no utensils?
Never seen him eat a vegetable,
but did see him stab a kid with a carrot.
He beat up my dad. I mean, my dad's an asshole, but...
Ruined Easter.
So tell me about the night you had your incident with Wayne.
Young man?
I told ya, he's not gonna talk. I haven't heard him speak a word since.
So, what's this for?
Is Wayne gonna hear what I say?
Uh, no, Wayne's never gonna see this. Promise.
We're not recording.
Do you know what that maniac will do to me if he does?
Do you remember what happened to Joey Sicliano?
- Who's Joey Sicliano? - Exactly.
What's that?
Oh, this is for my Instagram.
Wayne is the best guy.
Heart of gold. Wouldn't hurt a fly.
You can tell us the truth.
This is the truth.
Hey, there, Wayne. Brother.
Okay, Jesus Christ. Just get the hell outta here.
So, Mr. Hikes. We have a few questions.
They ain't mine.
- What's that? - Someone was making me sell it.
Look, if you guys want the magazines...
Oh, and the money, I have it.
And what magazines are you referring to?
The titty ones?
- Wait... - Orlando.
We're here to ask you about...
Those samurai swords was already in my locker when I got 'em.
I'mma just let you talk first.
Orlando, we're here to ask you questions about Wayne McCullough.
Oh.
Did Wayne do that to your eye?
What? No. This?
The reason I have this is because Wayne isn't here.
I mean, we don't go to the movies together or anything,
but Wayne is my boy.
Whatever you think he did, he's innocent.
You do know that he burned down his house with his dad inside it,
assaulted a man and his boys,
bit his nose off and kidnapped his daughter?
I did not.
Listen, this school is full of some messed-up kids and bullies and shit.
Honestly, it's a dangerous place for all of us.
We got metal detectors on the doors that don't work.
Kids dropping out of school because they're scared to be here.
Wayne's been dealt a bad hand,
so you're gonna have to find somebody else to squeal on him.
Now I gotta sneak off to my next class,
'cause with Wayne gone,
it's open season on Orlandos out there.
Can I bounce?
I have limited resources, but I do everything in my power
to protect my students.
They think his father got it on the job.
- The cancer? - Yeah.
The Sergeant had a run-in with cancer himself.
No, it's okay. It turns out it was not cancer.
I mean, it almost was.
It's like I had it.
At least for a few hours.
Hey.
Wayne's gonna be okay.
I know you got a sweet spot for the boy.
It ain't Wayne.
There was a death in my family.
Argus died this morning.
My Shepherd Terrier.
He was a good dog. He was loyal.
He hated going on walks, which was nice for me
because I hate walking, too.
I don't get pets. All these people in my neighborhood
with these green bags standing around waiting for something to shit.
No, thanks.
I think maybe there's something in my water, you know.
I kept changing the dog food over and over.
What are you talking about?
This is my fourth dog to die in two years.
Argus,
Artemis,
Amadeus,
Apricot.
Oh, so you're one of those people
who name all their dogs the same letter.
That's what you got out of this story?
Ah, what the hell is wrong with me?
Four dogs, the picture of health, just drop dead?
Jesus, it's like I'm fucking cursed!
Uh...
I'm very sorry for your loss.
Maybe you're just a bad pet owner.
This motel sucks.
The shower water smells,
the blankets stink like basement.
This towel is really soft though.
Get up. We're going swimming.
We can't go swimming.
We need to be getting on the road, get to Florida,
to my dad's car.
Come on, it's the first sunny day in, like, forever.
I deserve a tan. I look like a gallon of milk.
You saw the pictures in the paper.
We're, like, wanted or whatever.
Relax, it's not like we're Bonnie and Clyde or something'.
I'm swimming in this bikini. Today.
You don't wanna be there, I can't fucking help you,
but this bikini is getting used.
That doesn't look healthy.
What are you? The Prince of England?
Ain't you never heard of a mud bath?
No.
Don't.
I'm joking.
Who the hell would get into that thing?
Shit motel number two!
- Got it? - Yeah, coming through.
Well, no one's fucking in that thing.
- 'Sup? - 'Sup with you?
Heading down to spring break, Daytona.
Currently, on the shitty motel tour all the way there.
Shithole, no doubt.
You know what makes shitty motels seem less shitty?
Getting shit-faced.
We made Pink Panty-Droppers.
- Join. - All right, here we go.
Yeah, cool. All right.
There you go.
Principal Cole, I have to talk to you.
Orlando, what the... Get out of here!
I'm sorry. Are you done using the bathroom?
Uh, no, I wasn't...
I'm just sitting here.
In the bathroom? Just breathing in all this nasty air?
This is the faculty bathroom. How the hell did you get in here?
- I have a key. - To the faculty bathroom? Gimme those.
Okay, this place, this is for me.
This is the only place I have that's for me. It's sacred.
- Listen, it's about Wayne. - Oh, well, in that case, get the hell outta here!
As if that kid hasn't caused me enough freaking vexation.
But we gotta help him.
Look, I know that life's been a little difficult
for you lately without your bodyguard,
but maybe you shouldn't have done a bunch of stuff
that made you need a bodyguard.
But he's just in real trouble. I'm serious.
Look.
These guys, they're going after him. They're buying bats.
Well, maybe they're baseball players.
Look what they wrote.
"Heading out to Florida to kill that motherfucker Wayne."
They're going at him with bats and shit. We need to help him.
Do you know how many times I tried to help that kid?
How many times I thought,
"That message I just gave Wayne really hit home
and now he's gonna turn his life around,"
only to have him completely ignore me
and remove some kid's teeth with his knuckles? Or a trumpet?
I'm done, Orlando. I'm done.
Florida ain't that far. We could go together.
- You're the only adult that he listens to. - "Go together."
Really? Did Wayne say that?
Not really. I gleaned it.
"Gleaned it." Oh, man.
Look, Orlando,
I'm not about to take one of my 16-year-old students on a road trip.
I don't know if you read the papers lately,
but it's not a popular thing to do.
Well, what do you got to do anyway?
It's spring break in, like, two days.
You don't have a wife, no kids, no girlfriend. No dogs now.
Everyone knows. No offense, but...
- You ain't got shit. - Hey, watch your language.
I do have shit.
I have a thing, Mr. Know-it-all.
An important thing, actually. I do have shit.
So, glean that.
Okay, then, what you got?
I have a speech to give to a bunch of other principals
at a Recharging Hope with Leadership conference.
Which sounds lame when I say it because it is.
Anyway, I gotta to be in Charlotte for a few days,
so you're gonna have to leave it to the cops.
Hey, North Carolina is on the way to Florida.
Look at that, you know geography.
Look, your buddy Wayne, in case you haven't noticed,
he can take care of himself.
Me, on the other hand, I can't even take care of my dogs.
He stole a key to this bathroom.
So, what's the problem? It could be fun.
We shouldn't go out there. People could spot us or something.
From those pictures? No one's gonna recognize us.
That picture's so old, I'm wearing Osh-Kosh B'-fucking-gosh.
What's wrong with staying in here?
We got Corn Nuts. And the HBO.
- "The" HBO? - Our faces are all over town, I think.
We can't just go around being friends with strangers now.
Problem solved.
Here's what we do.
We come up with a cover story.
You know, pretend we're different people.
Except better than last night's one.
Well, you lie better than me. I can't do it.
Everyone lies better than you. You're like the goddamn beacon of truth.
So let's try something a little bit different.
Choose a character from the last movie you saw
or a book you read or whatever.
Take part of their story, make it your own.
You think of somebody?
Character or whatever?
Conan?
- O'Brien? - The Barbarian.
Does Conan even have a last name?
No, just Conan.
You can't just walk into a party and be like,
"Oh, hey, what's up? I'm Conan the Barbarian."
It would be kinda cool though.
Listen, I know you don't hear this a lot,
but you're thinking too much.
The key with this is to tell one big, fat, juicy lie.
You know, the important one you need 'em to believe.
Then, you follow it up with the tiny, little weird bullshit.
Details.
You know, nothing real particular,
but stuff no one would ever make up.
You wanna try?
Not really.
I'm Angelica. This is...
Uh...
John?
John...
Wayne?
John Wayne.
Yeah. Yeah, our parents loved Westerns.
They're in Philadelphia for a conference.
You know those tiny little balloons, they blow up in your arteries
to prevent heart attacks?
Well, they sell those. To doctors.
Two competing companies make 'em.
Our parents each work for one of the companies,
so they're, like, competitors.
My dad had a heart attack.
So, you gonna get bombed with us or what, John Wayne?
John Wayne!
So, I just wanna make sure I'm hearing this right.
You, the boy's guardian, is authorizing me,
an adult male you've never met before today,
who's never raised any kids in his life,
to take your grandson across multiple state lines,
hundreds of miles away in a shoddy Taurus
to find his friend, who may or may not be a criminal.
How much money you guys need for food?
Whoo!
Nice tits!
- Whoo! - Del.
Can we please switch back now?
Nope, you have to wear it the whole game.
Asshole.
I'm in my own private hell. I don't like this game anymore.
Ryan, no one dared you to take mushrooms. You just took mushrooms.
We should go.
We're in the middle of a game, bro.
Yeah, come on, John Wayne. Ease up.
Who's next?
Angelica.
Definitely Angelica.
Okay.
Truth or dare, bitch?
Well, uh, I wanna keep my top on, so...
Boo!
Truth.
Let's see. Where's the craziest place you've ever had sex?
Craziest?
Ah. Jesus.
You gonna have to give me a sec on this one.
Craziest.
All right.
Ice rink. Summer. Last year.
My house never really had air conditioning,
so when it was hot, I used to go there to read.
And this kid, Jimmy Depietro, had a summer job cleaning the ice
on one of those big, uh, Zamboni things.
You know what those are?
Yeah, it was funny 'cause even though he was two years older than me,
he still looked like a little kid behind the wheel of that big thing.
Anyway, is on a Zamboni a crazy place to have sex?
Shut it down. This girl just won Truth or Dare.
All right, say "Zam-boning"!
Zam-boning!
Bob?
Hey, Tommy! Bruins tonight!
Probably gonna get smoked again.
Yeah, probably.
Mind if we have a chat?
I'd offer you something, but I don't usually get visitors.
I think I got some flat soda, or a banana.
- I'll take a banana. - Jay.
Wait. Wayne's all right, right?
I solved the case of your dead dogs.
- I'm sorry? - Ran down some leads this afternoon.
Dug up the toxicology reports from your vet
and shared them with Patricia in Forensics.
Looked up noise reports from your neighbors.
Found some hospital records. Ran a few background checks.
I helped with those.
He did.
Long and short of it, you didn't kill your dogs.
Your next-door neighbor did.
- They were poisoned. - What?
Anti-depressants. SSRls.
His name is all over the prescription.
The bright side is, they probably were very happy
before their hearts stopped.
Cheerful.
We still haven't determined a motive yet,
other than the obvious possibilities.
Your neighbor doesn't like you,
he doesn't like dogs,
or he's just some rotten SOB.
Or he was off his meds
on account that he was poisoning your dogs with them.
So, it wasn't me.
I didn't kill them.
Bob fucking Andrews! I should have known.
One time my dog shit on his lawn. One time.
And it was one dog, it was like four dogs ago.
It was the winter, I had the flu, the dog came out,
I was gonna get it, but it was snowing, and I forgot.
That cocksucker!
I believe the... Your words, "cocksucker" you're looking for
is, in fact, your other neighbor, one Paul Taylor.
Paul Taylor?
What the fuck did I ever do to that fucking guy?
I'm nice enough to listen to him gab on about
his fucking precious fucking Bruins every fucking day,
he goes and kills my fucking dogs?
So now that you've had the proper amount of time to process this,
I'd like to talk to you about something important.
Last time I'm telling you. Get back in the RV, and fucking chill.
You said taking mushrooms would make me feel good!
All right, John Wayne, you've been awful quiet,
and I don't think you've had a turn yet.
No, he has not.
You seem like a Dare guy.
In fact, I might call pussy if you're not, so...
Truth.
All right, bro.
What's the craziest thing that ever happened to you?
- Hey, I think we, uh... - A couple Thanksgivings ago,
I broke my brother's record player.
Ooh.
I didn't say anything 'cause I knew he'd go mental,
but he knew it was me right off.
I was asleep when he came in to give me the first beating.
He was five years older than me, so it was pretty bad.
My dad was away on a job,
so there was no one around to stop him.
And so every time he'd come home, he'd see that broken record player,
he'd get mad all over again,
come in, and he'd throw me another beating.
One night, I had just about had it,
so I got these handcuffs I found in the woods,
cuffed him to his bed before he woke up.
I got a couple of good shots in.
I even broke the record player for good.
But the cuffs gave out.
Anyway, he threw me down the stairs,
and I'm guessing he got scared he killed me or something
when I didn't get up 'cause he called an ambulance.
The doctor said I was like a miracle or something,
'cause I died for like a whole two minutes.
But I didn't know what happened 'cause, well, I was dead, I guess.
Shit.
Bullshit.
No fucking way that's true. It's not even scientifically possible.
Kick back, dude. It's just a game.
Yeah, Truth or Dare. Not Big Fucking Lie or Dare.
He's a fucking liar.
Was he a good boy?
Yeah. He was one of the good ones.
Smarter than he looked.
When he did something wrong, it took a while to set him straight,
but that's the truth about all of them in one way or another.
I'm gonna miss him.
You don't think he's coming back?
Coming back? From what?
Wait, we're talking about Wayne, right?
I was talking about Argus, my dog.
You know, I've heard a lot of things about that boy today.
A lot of them hard to believe.
I guess I'm just asking what I should believe.
Well, I'm not gonna lie, a lot of those stories are true.
You know, if you're gonna base your investigation
solely on what's in your police files
and interviews with people from around this town,
you should probably just go find him and lock him up right now.
Shit, I could've thrown him out of school two dozen times.
But I gotta tell you something,
that kid has never got a chance.
He got the shit-end of the stick at every turn.
And I can keep trying to ram life lessons down his throat,
but until that kid gets one real break,
or a good thing happening to him...
I don't know.
The world's a cruel place.
Fuckin' A right it is, huh?
So how much vacation time you got saved up?
So, we're doing this or what?
Wayne.
Yeah, listen to your sister. Don't get yourself killed.
Whoo!
Truth or Dare?
Um... Okay. Dare. What you got?
I dare you to get that girly bike,
break into one of them rooms upstairs,
and jump it through the window, into that pool.
Yeah, right. I'm not fucking doing that.
What was it you called me earlier?
A pussy?
I'm not doing it. I'm not a pussy,
I'm just not a fucking idiot.
Just because you're a liar doesn't mean I'm gonna do a dare
that no one else in their right fucking mind would do.
So stick it up your lying, piece-of-shit townie ass.
Don't. He's just drunk.
John Wayne needs to lighten up.
Or Tug needs to be less of a dick.
Hey. What's this guy's name?
Oh, I'm not sure he has one.
The higher-risk animals
tend to move through the system pretty quick, so...
Hey, bud.
Could I actually interest you in some of our other dogs?
'Cause this one is pretty anti-social.
Uh, bite risk, uh, hates strangers, unsafe with children.
Hates me a lot, too.
He's actually scheduled to be put down.
You believe in second chances, boy?
All right, I'm gonna fire up Slap Cup.
- Let's get her going. - Yes!
So, uh, did your parents get rich off the balloon thing or what?
Where are you guys from anyway?
You know, tell your brother I think he's a giant pussy.
What the fuck?
John-fucking...
Wayne!
I think I shit my pants.
Hey. Hey!
Hey! Hey, I called the cops. All of you, stay where you are.
- Let's go! - Go, shit!
Jesus! This is your idea of lying low?
- Shit! - Go, go, go, go. Go!
Wayne, get down.
Hold it right there! Right...
Come here!
We need to get our stuff.
Anyone else?
Yo! Pick up the pace.
You know I didn't do what I said I did.
On the Zamboni? Right?
Okay.
Or...
anywhere, actually.
Not that it's any of your business.
All right, you're all of legal drinking age, I take it.
Not that it's any of my business,
but, jeez, your brother's a real piece of work, huh?
I can't believe all that.
Wait, was it...
You lied, you sneaky son of a bitch.
Look at you.
You're on drugs? You're on drugs?
Yeah. Just the part about the record player, though.
I just made that up.
Oh.
So, why was your brother beating on you all the time then?
I don't know.
He was just like that.
That was the last time I saw him.
My dad gave it to him pretty good when he came back
and found out I was hurt.
And he left that night.
Heard he joined the Marines a few weeks later from a friend.
But I did it though.
I got one past ya.
Yeah.
Yeah, you really did.
If we search that trailer, we won't find anything?
We need to go.
He's right there.
- That one? - That kid right there?
Stop! Stop!
Hey. I got you. Come here.
Don't have 'em. Foot pursuit.
Police!
Run out the window. Suspects possibly heading northbound street side.
Take the cruiser around the back of the hotel. I'm on foot.
Move out!
I know she's pissed in here.
Paul?
- Who is it? - You've got a visitor.
Meet Wayne.
Orlando. It's Principal Cole.
Be out front by 6:00.
We're going to Florida.
Orlando, tell your grandmother I need 300 bucks.
No, no, no, no, no, no!
What? What's wrong?
She took our money.
Oh, fuck.
We gotta go.
Fuck.
Oh, fucking tourists.
_
It's fucking game time.
Let's fuck shit up.
Let's fuck some shit up, Reggie!
Motherfucker!
Fucker!
Fuck you!
Whoo!
Fuck you!
Damn!
Motherfucker!
CREDITS
Next on "Wayne."
I can't believe that hooker lady robbed us.
We need to get money.
Maybe we could get jobs or something?
What is it with this Wayne kid?
Just got a gut feeling about him.
- We'll find him. - And her.
My ma taught me how to survive.
You're not gonna steal, right?
Miss. Miss!
How was it? Your day or whatever?
Everyone's not nice and I think the boss hates me.
What do they do to 'em?
Fuck!
You know, I bet he doesn't even remember our birthday tomorrow.
- Free hotcakes! - Free motherfucking hotcakes!
Let's kick Daddy's ass.
Let's kick his fucking ass.
- Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -