1
00:00:00,141 --> 00:00:02,392
- Previously on Mom...
- You slept with Adam?

2
00:00:02,417 --> 00:00:04,284
We only did it, like...

3
00:00:04,429 --> 00:00:06,031
20 times.

4
00:00:06,086 --> 00:00:08,419
You never told me you
slept with this monkey.

5
00:00:08,505 --> 00:00:09,971
You porked my wife?!

6
00:00:10,056 --> 00:00:12,423
- I wouldn't use that word.
- I would.

7
00:00:12,509 --> 00:00:14,642
- You grabbed her ass?
- With both hands.

8
00:00:15,181 --> 00:00:17,264
You did "bad hand" on my woman?

9
00:00:17,944 --> 00:00:20,085
I have a drinking problem.

10
00:00:20,493 --> 00:00:21,826
Come here, brother.

11
00:00:21,851 --> 00:00:23,234
Oh, thanks.

12
00:00:23,269 --> 00:00:25,351
Man, you know, I-I was just kidding.

13
00:00:30,109 --> 00:00:33,211
You've been reading
Cosmopolitan again, haven't you?

14
00:00:33,476 --> 00:00:35,906
Don't know why every man doesn't.

15
00:00:36,493 --> 00:00:38,927
- I love you.
- I love you, too.

16
00:00:38,952 --> 00:00:41,109
My friend Mitch is coming to town.

17
00:00:42,546 --> 00:00:44,539
- What?
- I said I love you.

18
00:00:44,867 --> 00:00:47,334
Drunk Hollywood douchebag Mitch?

19
00:00:47,359 --> 00:00:49,927
I know the last time he was
here things got a little bumpy...

20
00:00:49,952 --> 00:00:52,617
A little bumpy? He hit
on me and my daughter.

21
00:00:52,642 --> 00:00:55,276
He peed in three places
that weren't the bathroom.

22
00:00:55,301 --> 00:00:57,552
One of them was our good salad bowl.

23
00:00:57,637 --> 00:00:59,103
But he's not the same guy anymore.

24
00:00:59,139 --> 00:01:00,605
He sobered up, he divorced Leanne,

25
00:01:00,630 --> 00:01:02,200
he's on a whole different path,

26
00:01:02,225 --> 00:01:04,108
and he just wants some bro time.

27
00:01:04,204 --> 00:01:06,037
If you ever want to
have sex with me again,

28
00:01:06,062 --> 00:01:07,195
don't say "bro time."

29
00:01:08,394 --> 00:01:11,593
Fine. You see him. Just
keep him away from me.

30
00:01:12,312 --> 00:01:13,962
Actually...

31
00:01:14,541 --> 00:01:16,968
He just wants to apologize
to you and Christy.

32
00:01:18,804 --> 00:01:20,301
You son of a bitch.

33
00:01:20,326 --> 00:01:22,543
- What?
- You waited to tell me this

34
00:01:22,629 --> 00:01:24,629
till after I had a decent orgasm.

35
00:01:25,335 --> 00:01:28,529
Decent? You practically levitated.

36
00:01:28,554 --> 00:01:31,335
Fine, it was a cascading
series of body tremors.

37
00:01:31,481 --> 00:01:35,066
Just like the article
promised! So, what do you say?

38
00:01:35,091 --> 00:01:38,426
Oh, no, this is way too big a
favor for just one go-around.

39
00:01:40,163 --> 00:01:42,490
- You're kidding, right?
- Nope.

40
00:01:42,944 --> 00:01:44,994
Seriously, why am I still
looking at your face?

41
00:01:58,243 --> 00:02:03,243
Subtitle sync and corrections by
ChrisKe for www.addic7ed.com.

42
00:02:04,850 --> 00:02:07,529
I can't believe you're letting
that animal back into our lives.

43
00:02:07,554 --> 00:02:09,604
Well, at least it's only
one animal this time.

44
00:02:09,689 --> 00:02:10,922
Leanne's out of the picture.

45
00:02:10,990 --> 00:02:12,924
I'm still kind of
shocked they got divorced.

46
00:02:12,949 --> 00:02:15,003
Really? I'm shocked
that marriage didn't end

47
00:02:15,028 --> 00:02:16,561
in a murder-suicide.

48
00:02:16,706 --> 00:02:18,623
Yeah, but they're kind
of made for each other.

49
00:02:19,007 --> 00:02:21,616
Like water parks and diarrhea.

50
00:02:21,761 --> 00:02:23,628
Hey, we're here.

51
00:02:23,653 --> 00:02:24,857
Ugh, I can't do this.

52
00:02:24,882 --> 00:02:26,548
I promised Adam five minutes,

53
00:02:26,573 --> 00:02:28,072
and then we can head to the meeting.

54
00:02:28,097 --> 00:02:30,163
I got to stop wearing
stuff with handles.

55
00:02:32,106 --> 00:02:34,022
Bonnie, Christy.

56
00:02:34,047 --> 00:02:35,963
You remember Mitch.

57
00:02:36,049 --> 00:02:37,165
Hey.

58
00:02:37,835 --> 00:02:39,834
Hey. Thank you for seeing me.

59
00:02:39,919 --> 00:02:41,169
- Mm-hmm.
- Uh-huh.

60
00:02:41,254 --> 00:02:43,137
You might want to take
that as a win and leave.

61
00:02:43,223 --> 00:02:46,140
No. No, I got to do this.

62
00:02:47,905 --> 00:02:49,988
Christy, Bonnie...

63
00:02:50,013 --> 00:02:52,271
I owe you both an amends

64
00:02:52,296 --> 00:02:54,254
for the wreckage I
caused on my last visit.

65
00:02:55,554 --> 00:02:57,996
I hope that you can
give me another chance.

66
00:02:58,021 --> 00:02:59,570
But if you can't...

67
00:02:59,996 --> 00:03:02,129
I totally understand.

68
00:03:03,287 --> 00:03:06,421
I cry so easily these days.

69
00:03:09,030 --> 00:03:10,175
What do you think?

70
00:03:10,874 --> 00:03:13,624
I think making an amends
like that is really painful.

71
00:03:14,796 --> 00:03:16,454
Keep going.

72
00:03:16,599 --> 00:03:18,850
I didn't understand...

73
00:03:18,935 --> 00:03:20,935
what an ass I was.

74
00:03:20,960 --> 00:03:23,628
Ooh, I like that. Delve into that.

75
00:03:23,773 --> 00:03:26,941
I actually thought my
behavior was charming.

76
00:03:27,351 --> 00:03:29,765
That's alcoholic thinking for you.

77
00:03:30,843 --> 00:03:32,603
Anyway, all I can do now

78
00:03:32,889 --> 00:03:35,593
is try to repair the damage.

79
00:03:37,202 --> 00:03:38,953
Damn it, that was really good.

80
00:03:39,704 --> 00:03:41,295
Hold on.

81
00:03:43,816 --> 00:03:45,967
Oh, crap. Real tears.

82
00:03:48,132 --> 00:03:49,214
Forgiven.

83
00:03:50,010 --> 00:03:52,804
So, are we all Kumbaya here?

84
00:03:53,671 --> 00:03:55,493
'Cause I'm gonna show Mitch the bar

85
00:03:55,518 --> 00:03:57,138
while you two go to your meeting.

86
00:03:57,163 --> 00:03:59,130
Actually, buddy, I'm-I'm
feeling a little fragile.

87
00:03:59,155 --> 00:04:01,405
I could really use a meeting right now.

88
00:04:02,476 --> 00:04:06,053
- Do you mind if I tag along?
- Well?

89
00:04:06,632 --> 00:04:08,673
We're not really allowed to say no.

90
00:04:09,241 --> 00:04:11,342
Stupid program.

91
00:04:12,343 --> 00:04:13,288
Come on.

92
00:04:13,313 --> 00:04:16,848
Whoa. Whoa, whoa,
whoa, you just got here.

93
00:04:16,993 --> 00:04:18,743
What happened to bro time?

94
00:04:18,768 --> 00:04:21,226
Hey, what'd I say about that?

95
00:04:22,165 --> 00:04:24,749
So, I'm directing this
movie in Dubrovnik,

96
00:04:24,774 --> 00:04:27,108
and everybody's looking
at me to steer the ship

97
00:04:27,133 --> 00:04:30,046
'cause, you know, I'm the director.

98
00:04:31,241 --> 00:04:34,292
And all I can think is, "I'm a fraud."

99
00:04:35,428 --> 00:04:37,595
"I'm a drunk. I'm a liar."

100
00:04:38,499 --> 00:04:39,587
You're safe here.

101
00:04:40,539 --> 00:04:42,077
I feel that.

102
00:04:43,187 --> 00:04:45,376
So, I start saying the prayer

103
00:04:45,401 --> 00:04:49,107
in my head, and... I'll be darned

104
00:04:49,132 --> 00:04:52,266
if God didn't grant me the
serenity to call "action"

105
00:04:52,968 --> 00:04:54,946
and send the Harley off the cliff,

106
00:04:54,971 --> 00:04:57,021
through the helicopter
door, out the other side,

107
00:04:57,056 --> 00:04:58,639
where it hit a second helicopter,

108
00:04:58,664 --> 00:05:01,953
exploded, ball of fire, dead bad guy,

109
00:05:01,978 --> 00:05:04,812
that's a wrap and a
Golden Globe nomination.

110
00:05:05,413 --> 00:05:06,374
Golden Globe?

111
00:05:06,399 --> 00:05:10,044
Well, if you believe the buzz. Anyway,

112
00:05:10,069 --> 00:05:13,037
I'm just another drunk
trying to get through the day.

113
00:05:13,358 --> 00:05:16,684
Well, a drunk who's
a Hollywood director.

114
00:05:17,748 --> 00:05:21,194
Wow, lunch goes faster when
someone else does the talking.

115
00:05:23,583 --> 00:05:26,724
I don't know how you handle
the pressure of making a movie.

116
00:05:26,749 --> 00:05:28,980
I can barely deal with work and school.

117
00:05:29,005 --> 00:05:32,056
If they ever stopped making
Red Bull, I'd be screwed.

118
00:05:32,152 --> 00:05:35,320
I actually won three
Red Bull Stunt Awards.

119
00:05:35,345 --> 00:05:37,895
But have you ever considered meditating?

120
00:05:39,374 --> 00:05:40,074
I tried,

121
00:05:40,099 --> 00:05:43,437
but apparently my ind craves anxiety.

122
00:05:43,998 --> 00:05:45,163
Well, it changed my life.

123
00:05:45,188 --> 00:05:46,508
It made me a much better director.

124
00:05:47,046 --> 00:05:48,416
That's four.

125
00:05:49,585 --> 00:05:52,076
Ladies, I just... I want to thank you

126
00:05:52,171 --> 00:05:53,721
for letting me into the red tent.

127
00:05:53,746 --> 00:05:58,199
I-I've just been so raw
since Leanne and I split up.

128
00:05:58,546 --> 00:06:00,261
Yeah, now, what happened there?

129
00:06:01,077 --> 00:06:04,812
Well, I got sober,
and she couldn't do it.

130
00:06:04,837 --> 00:06:07,555
I love her, but I had to let her go.

131
00:06:08,795 --> 00:06:12,335
Yeah, the road gets narrower,
but our life gets better.

132
00:06:14,257 --> 00:06:16,046
Thank you for that.

133
00:06:17,186 --> 00:06:18,999
We're all here for you.

134
00:06:22,558 --> 00:06:23,558
Oh. No, no,

135
00:06:23,583 --> 00:06:27,088
no, ladies, this one is on me.

136
00:06:27,123 --> 00:06:29,624
Finally. I've been
waiting for four years

137
00:06:29,649 --> 00:06:31,065
for somebody else to pick up...

138
00:06:31,647 --> 00:06:33,784
Hold the phone, is that a black card?

139
00:06:33,831 --> 00:06:35,797
- This? Oh, yeah.
- Is it true

140
00:06:35,822 --> 00:06:37,099
you can buy a Ferrari with that?

141
00:06:37,123 --> 00:06:39,040
It's almost rude if you don't.

142
00:06:43,139 --> 00:06:45,306
- Whoa.
- Right?

143
00:06:45,483 --> 00:06:47,131
You should shoot a movie here.

144
00:06:47,166 --> 00:06:49,749
I could be in it. You know, I sing.

145
00:06:51,187 --> 00:06:54,247
I'm panning, and I'm loving.

146
00:06:54,272 --> 00:06:57,008
I'm panning, and I'm loving.

147
00:06:57,033 --> 00:06:58,082
Ooh.

148
00:06:58,522 --> 00:07:00,845
Recast that guy.

149
00:07:01,006 --> 00:07:03,341
- Come on, you like?
- It's fantastic.

150
00:07:03,366 --> 00:07:06,444
Where was this place when
my blood type was bourbon?

151
00:07:06,640 --> 00:07:09,208
I know. I would've been totally
sleeping with the bartender.

152
00:07:09,233 --> 00:07:10,615
Oh, wait, I am.

153
00:07:12,726 --> 00:07:14,358
So, how's business been?

154
00:07:14,741 --> 00:07:16,471
Let's just say that there
are three people in here,

155
00:07:16,496 --> 00:07:18,412
- and I'm excited.
- I don't get it.

156
00:07:18,437 --> 00:07:20,141
This place should be crushing it.

157
00:07:20,530 --> 00:07:22,757
It's got charm, character,

158
00:07:22,782 --> 00:07:25,507
an owner you feel a
little bit sorry for.

159
00:07:27,187 --> 00:07:30,247
I know. I keep telling
him, work the chair.

160
00:07:30,272 --> 00:07:31,352
You guys done?

161
00:07:31,377 --> 00:07:35,179
Never. Honestly, man, I love
it. I love it. It's great.

162
00:07:35,214 --> 00:07:37,341
Thanks. As soon as we
start turning a profit,

163
00:07:37,366 --> 00:07:38,526
I got big plans.

164
00:07:38,551 --> 00:07:40,029
I want to hear them, but right now I got

165
00:07:40,053 --> 00:07:41,769
about a gallon of iced tea in me.

166
00:07:41,905 --> 00:07:43,865
Right that way. It's the
door that says "hombres."

167
00:07:43,890 --> 00:07:46,640
- Cool.
- Still not sure I should've done that.

168
00:07:49,022 --> 00:07:50,861
So, you two seem to be getting along.

169
00:07:50,897 --> 00:07:53,614
Well, yeah, he's sober now,
he kept his hands to himself,

170
00:07:53,639 --> 00:07:55,866
and he paid for lunch with a black card.

171
00:07:56,703 --> 00:07:58,187
A black card.

172
00:07:59,515 --> 00:08:01,322
He does love waving that thing around.

173
00:08:01,406 --> 00:08:02,717
Well, maybe he could wave it at us

174
00:08:02,742 --> 00:08:04,075
and make our problems disappear.

175
00:08:04,221 --> 00:08:05,720
Seriously, if we want

176
00:08:05,745 --> 00:08:06,972
to take this bar to the next level,

177
00:08:06,996 --> 00:08:08,162
we need an investor.

178
00:08:08,247 --> 00:08:09,630
I don't know. Friends and business?

179
00:08:09,716 --> 00:08:11,882
That's as bad as having
"hombres" on the door.

180
00:08:11,918 --> 00:08:14,468
Oh, come on. He lives in L.A.,
so we'd never hear from him.

181
00:08:14,493 --> 00:08:15,897
He'd just send us money.

182
00:08:15,922 --> 00:08:18,172
It's the exact opposite
of having a child.

183
00:08:18,866 --> 00:08:19,817
Hey.

184
00:08:19,842 --> 00:08:22,676
You ever think of putting
TVs above the urinals?

185
00:08:22,762 --> 00:08:25,872
I have a buddy who produces
60-second TED Talks.

186
00:08:25,897 --> 00:08:27,622
Perfect for the average whiz.

187
00:08:27,647 --> 00:08:31,018
You go in with a full bladder,
you leave with a full mind.

188
00:08:31,749 --> 00:08:34,381
Look at that, Mitch
has ideas for the bar.

189
00:08:34,406 --> 00:08:37,040
If only we had money to implement them.

190
00:08:37,085 --> 00:08:39,437
- Bonnie.
- Are you looking for investors?

191
00:08:39,462 --> 00:08:41,421
I would never put you
in that position, buddy.

192
00:08:41,446 --> 00:08:43,196
What if I want to be in that position?

193
00:08:43,221 --> 00:08:44,771
Yeah, what if he wants to?

194
00:08:46,168 --> 00:08:47,733
Are you sure about this, Mitch?

195
00:08:47,758 --> 00:08:49,925
100%. It's part of the program.

196
00:08:49,950 --> 00:08:52,084
The program says that you
should invest in a bar?

197
00:08:52,109 --> 00:08:53,825
No, it says be of service,

198
00:08:53,850 --> 00:08:55,850
help others, get out of self.

199
00:08:56,096 --> 00:08:58,680
I'm your best friend, man.

200
00:08:58,930 --> 00:09:01,108
Let me take this ride with you.

201
00:09:02,960 --> 00:09:05,226
Damn it, Mitch. Thank you.

202
00:09:05,251 --> 00:09:08,168
Well, I'm gonna let you
two have some bro time.

203
00:09:08,193 --> 00:09:10,147
That's right. That's back in.

204
00:09:10,882 --> 00:09:13,526
I'm gonna go work on my mini TED talk.

205
00:09:13,551 --> 00:09:15,663
People who dress up
in spandex to ride their bike.

206
00:09:15,688 --> 00:09:17,071
Why can't I run them over?

207
00:09:18,594 --> 00:09:20,233
This is incredible!

208
00:09:20,258 --> 00:09:21,986
We're actually getting
to work together again.

209
00:09:22,011 --> 00:09:23,760
- The boys are back!
- Yeah!

210
00:09:23,785 --> 00:09:25,390
You cool if I have a beer to celebrate?

211
00:09:25,415 --> 00:09:27,615
- I would be pissed if you didn't.
- I got to hand it to you,

212
00:09:27,640 --> 00:09:30,391
you figuring out a way to get
Bonnie to not be mad at you...

213
00:09:30,416 --> 00:09:32,335
You do a TED Talk on that, let me know.

214
00:09:32,360 --> 00:09:34,894
It's the magic of
being on the same path.

215
00:09:36,517 --> 00:09:37,816
You're smoking weed?

216
00:09:37,841 --> 00:09:39,174
I thought you were sober.

217
00:09:39,199 --> 00:09:40,452
I am.

218
00:09:43,308 --> 00:09:45,265
California sober.

219
00:09:46,284 --> 00:09:47,500
That's a thing?

220
00:09:47,525 --> 00:09:48,991
It's totally a thing.

221
00:09:49,016 --> 00:09:50,647
I d... I don't... I don't drink at all.

222
00:09:50,672 --> 00:09:52,555
But how can you be
sober if you're smoking?

223
00:09:52,580 --> 00:09:55,364
So, uh, 20 grand enough
to get things rolling?

224
00:09:55,389 --> 00:09:56,772
Let me get you an ashtray.

225
00:10:01,288 --> 00:10:03,204
All right. Here we go.

226
00:10:03,229 --> 00:10:04,978
Quiet the mind.

227
00:10:05,003 --> 00:10:06,586
Yepper-Dee-doo.

228
00:10:06,611 --> 00:10:07,693
Why did I say that?

229
00:10:07,718 --> 00:10:09,468
That's not a quiet mind.

230
00:10:09,740 --> 00:10:12,452
Okay, here we go.

231
00:10:13,305 --> 00:10:16,499
Ooh, can't forget that eye
appointment on Thursday.

232
00:10:16,601 --> 00:10:19,152
Stop it.

233
00:10:21,646 --> 00:10:24,147
? I come from a land down under. ?

234
00:10:24,172 --> 00:10:26,806
Where the hell did that come from?

235
00:10:26,831 --> 00:10:28,997
My knees hurt when I sit like this.

236
00:10:29,022 --> 00:10:30,772
That's probably cancer.

237
00:10:30,797 --> 00:10:32,547
Can you get knee cancer?

238
00:10:32,572 --> 00:10:34,072
Christy Plunkett,

239
00:10:34,097 --> 00:10:36,264
you are terrible at this.

240
00:10:36,438 --> 00:10:38,772
That was my seventh
grade science teacher.

241
00:10:38,797 --> 00:10:40,213
What's he doing in here?

242
00:10:40,367 --> 00:10:41,916
Oh, I never left.

243
00:10:42,922 --> 00:10:43,838
Great.

244
00:10:44,157 --> 00:10:45,323
I'm mentally ill,

245
00:10:45,369 --> 00:10:46,655
and I have knee cancer.

246
00:10:48,865 --> 00:10:50,281
Hey, check it out.

247
00:10:50,306 --> 00:10:52,056
I ordered a new sign,
and the guy mocked up

248
00:10:52,089 --> 00:10:53,650
what it's gonna look
like on the building.

249
00:10:53,675 --> 00:10:54,975
Ooh, a neon barrel.

250
00:10:55,000 --> 00:10:56,383
That'll really draw a crowd.

251
00:10:56,408 --> 00:10:57,635
Yeah, and look at the negative space.

252
00:10:57,660 --> 00:10:58,693
It's my initials.

253
00:10:58,748 --> 00:11:00,131
I'm not getting that.

254
00:11:00,278 --> 00:11:01,528
What do you mean? "A" for Adam,

255
00:11:01,553 --> 00:11:02,886
"J" for Janikowski.

256
00:11:02,911 --> 00:11:03,835
I see a penis.

257
00:11:03,860 --> 00:11:05,994
What? What? No, it's clearly "A.J."

258
00:11:06,159 --> 00:11:07,742
Well, either way, it'll draw a crowd.

259
00:11:07,914 --> 00:11:09,999
Maybe two slightly different crowds.

260
00:11:11,363 --> 00:11:13,163
It's fun spending
Mitch's money, isn't it?

261
00:11:13,188 --> 00:11:16,062
You want fun? Wait'll I put
in those foam-less beer taps.

262
00:11:16,087 --> 00:11:17,753
Ooh. And a new ice maker.

263
00:11:17,778 --> 00:11:18,749
Yeah, and two more PayPoint systems.

264
00:11:18,774 --> 00:11:20,052
Yeah, and that necklace
we saw at the mall.

265
00:11:20,077 --> 00:11:21,386
Yeah... W-Wait, what?

266
00:11:21,606 --> 00:11:24,440
Come on, you got a neon penis.

267
00:11:24,465 --> 00:11:26,848
It's Mitch's money. But
as soon as we get our own,

268
00:11:26,891 --> 00:11:30,397
you can get a much smaller
version of that same necklace.

269
00:11:31,215 --> 00:11:32,714
It's crazy.

270
00:11:33,049 --> 00:11:34,548
Last time he was here,

271
00:11:34,573 --> 00:11:36,489
he was so loaded, he couldn't stand up.

272
00:11:36,514 --> 00:11:38,597
- Now he's a new man.
- Mm-hmm.

273
00:11:38,622 --> 00:11:40,966
Getting clean gave me
a second chance in life,

274
00:11:40,991 --> 00:11:42,491
it's giving him a second chance,

275
00:11:42,516 --> 00:11:44,516
and now it's giving
your bar a second chance.

276
00:11:44,541 --> 00:11:47,375
That is the power of sobriety.

277
00:11:48,670 --> 00:11:50,288
Yay, sobriety.

278
00:11:52,476 --> 00:11:54,459
Adam's new sign went up today.

279
00:11:54,484 --> 00:11:55,567
What do you see?

280
00:11:55,652 --> 00:11:57,152
- Penis.
- Penis.

281
00:11:57,177 --> 00:11:58,177
A.J.

282
00:11:58,202 --> 00:11:59,751
Penis.

283
00:12:00,280 --> 00:12:02,349
We see what we want to see.

284
00:12:02,622 --> 00:12:05,039
I so want to see a penis.

285
00:12:05,064 --> 00:12:07,054
Not yours, Barry. Keep moving.

286
00:12:08,448 --> 00:12:10,198
I was hoping Mitch was coming.

287
00:12:10,223 --> 00:12:12,521
I wanted to tell him he
inspired me to try meditating

288
00:12:12,546 --> 00:12:14,012
and I'm a new woman.

289
00:12:14,037 --> 00:12:15,849
20 minutes in the morning,
20 minutes at night,

290
00:12:15,873 --> 00:12:18,423
and I haven't had to go
to the shooting range once.

291
00:12:18,569 --> 00:12:20,319
Wait, what?

292
00:12:20,344 --> 00:12:22,260
You're meditating and it's working?

293
00:12:22,285 --> 00:12:23,450
Yeah, easy-peasy.

294
00:12:23,475 --> 00:12:25,859
And you only hear your
own voice in your head?

295
00:12:25,884 --> 00:12:27,634
Well, who else's voice
would I be hearing?

296
00:12:27,659 --> 00:12:28,825
I don't know.

297
00:12:28,850 --> 00:12:31,484
Maybe your seventh grade
teacher you had a crush on

298
00:12:31,509 --> 00:12:33,320
until you saw him at the
grocery store with his wife

299
00:12:33,345 --> 00:12:35,061
and then you cried for three weeks.

300
00:12:35,171 --> 00:12:36,837
Mr. Borger?

301
00:12:36,862 --> 00:12:38,902
I slept with that guy. You
weren't missing anything.

302
00:12:40,898 --> 00:12:43,732
The trick to meditating
is to develop a routine.

303
00:12:43,757 --> 00:12:46,545
After a 45-minute massage,
some chamomile tea,

304
00:12:46,570 --> 00:12:48,069
and a long soak in the hot tub,

305
00:12:48,215 --> 00:12:49,631
I go to my meditation room,

306
00:12:49,656 --> 00:12:51,336
get on top of some of
my big floor pillows,

307
00:12:51,361 --> 00:12:53,015
and just doze off.

308
00:12:53,543 --> 00:12:54,793
That's not meditating.

309
00:12:54,818 --> 00:12:56,151
That's taking a nap.

310
00:12:56,246 --> 00:12:57,412
Oh, what do you know?

311
00:12:57,437 --> 00:12:58,687
You can't even do it.

312
00:13:02,052 --> 00:13:03,385
Look at this!

313
00:13:03,420 --> 00:13:04,719
It's packed!

314
00:13:04,755 --> 00:13:06,054
The new sign's working, babe.

315
00:13:06,089 --> 00:13:08,056
The giant penis in the sky!

316
00:13:08,091 --> 00:13:10,608
If you erect it, they will come!

317
00:13:11,744 --> 00:13:14,038
This is for my pappy!

318
00:13:15,588 --> 00:13:17,338
- What's going on?
- Uh-oh.

319
00:13:17,517 --> 00:13:20,151
We may not have gotten
along on this Earth,

320
00:13:20,176 --> 00:13:22,509
but we'll be drinking buddies in hell.

321
00:13:22,606 --> 00:13:25,240
- To Pappy!
- To Pappy!

322
00:13:25,275 --> 00:13:26,658
Oh, my God, he's loaded.

323
00:13:26,683 --> 00:13:27,933
He relapsed.

324
00:13:28,089 --> 00:13:29,755
This is all my fault.

325
00:13:29,780 --> 00:13:32,781
What was I thinking, asking
him to invest in a bar?

326
00:13:32,806 --> 00:13:34,222
Hey, look!

327
00:13:34,429 --> 00:13:36,345
There's my bar partner.

328
00:13:36,370 --> 00:13:37,702
My bartner!

329
00:13:37,848 --> 00:13:39,731
What the hell is going on, Mitch?

330
00:13:39,756 --> 00:13:42,424
Mm, I'm trying to hug
you, but it's-it's hard,

331
00:13:42,459 --> 00:13:43,758
'cause of the chair.

332
00:13:43,794 --> 00:13:45,043
How do you do it?

333
00:13:45,128 --> 00:13:46,378
Let's get you some coffee.

334
00:13:46,463 --> 00:13:47,963
Coffee?

335
00:13:48,616 --> 00:13:50,192
Innkeeper!

336
00:13:50,217 --> 00:13:52,468
Work your alchemy!

337
00:13:53,053 --> 00:13:55,220
I met these guys in the bar at my hotel.

338
00:13:55,245 --> 00:13:56,531
They all work in insurance.

339
00:13:56,556 --> 00:13:59,140
Can you imagine? Kill me now.

340
00:13:59,165 --> 00:14:01,215
What happened to California sober?

341
00:14:01,240 --> 00:14:02,240
"California sober"?

342
00:14:02,265 --> 00:14:03,588
You know, he gets
high but doesn't drink.

343
00:14:03,613 --> 00:14:04,896
That's not a thing.

344
00:14:04,921 --> 00:14:05,958
You told me it was a thing.

345
00:14:05,983 --> 00:14:07,649
You knew it wasn't a thing.

346
00:14:07,794 --> 00:14:09,294
W... Wait,

347
00:14:09,319 --> 00:14:11,820
you knew he was smoking
pot and you didn't tell me?

348
00:14:11,845 --> 00:14:13,298
Well, by that time, we were partners,

349
00:14:13,323 --> 00:14:15,573
and then I ordered my penis sign.

350
00:14:15,720 --> 00:14:19,022
This is for my old ma!

351
00:14:19,047 --> 00:14:20,963
May she rest in peace,

352
00:14:21,298 --> 00:14:22,964
whenever she dies.

353
00:14:23,010 --> 00:14:24,309
She's in a home.

354
00:14:24,334 --> 00:14:26,134
I can't go. It's too depressing.

355
00:14:26,230 --> 00:14:28,885
- To Ma!
- To Ma!

356
00:14:29,700 --> 00:14:31,450
Okay.

357
00:14:31,475 --> 00:14:33,308
Quiet the mind,

358
00:14:33,343 --> 00:14:35,772
quiet the mind.

359
00:14:36,664 --> 00:14:38,581
A peaceful lake.

360
00:14:38,815 --> 00:14:41,316
A gentle breeze.

361
00:14:43,854 --> 00:14:45,653
Is this it?

362
00:14:45,821 --> 00:14:47,256
Am I doing it?

363
00:14:47,717 --> 00:14:50,635
Look at me. I'm doing it.

364
00:14:50,660 --> 00:14:52,827
Suck it, Jill.

365
00:14:55,271 --> 00:14:56,641
Mitch!

366
00:14:56,666 --> 00:14:57,999
Bonnie!

367
00:14:58,024 --> 00:14:59,811
Bonnie's daughter!

368
00:15:01,838 --> 00:15:04,172
And I'm no longer doing it.

369
00:15:04,197 --> 00:15:05,747
Hello?!

370
00:15:06,014 --> 00:15:07,343
Coming!

371
00:15:09,379 --> 00:15:11,513
Bonnie's daughter!

372
00:15:11,757 --> 00:15:15,266
Oh! I've missed you so much!

373
00:15:15,291 --> 00:15:16,291
You have?

374
00:15:16,316 --> 00:15:17,779
Don't you remember?

375
00:15:17,804 --> 00:15:19,484
We were gonna stay in
touch and be friends.

376
00:15:19,509 --> 00:15:22,608
I texted you, like, a
million, jillion times.

377
00:15:22,671 --> 00:15:24,387
I never gave you my number.

378
00:15:24,548 --> 00:15:26,007
Oh.

379
00:15:27,064 --> 00:15:29,929
Must've been a different Teresa.

380
00:15:30,282 --> 00:15:31,782
How 'bout you let go of me now?

381
00:15:31,985 --> 00:15:33,401
Oh. Sorry.

382
00:15:33,487 --> 00:15:34,869
Sorry, Teresa.

383
00:15:34,916 --> 00:15:36,715
Oh!

384
00:15:36,740 --> 00:15:39,074
I got to be honest with you,

385
00:15:39,429 --> 00:15:41,757
I've had a few drinks.

386
00:15:42,546 --> 00:15:43,962
Yes, I know.

387
00:15:44,047 --> 00:15:46,881
I think I got drunk from our hug.

388
00:15:46,917 --> 00:15:50,668
Wouldn't it be great
if it worked that way?

389
00:15:51,319 --> 00:15:52,921
Anyway,

390
00:15:53,006 --> 00:15:55,663
thanks for coming over.

391
00:15:56,820 --> 00:15:58,570
You came over here.

392
00:15:58,595 --> 00:16:00,728
And please tell me you didn't drive.

393
00:16:00,824 --> 00:16:02,874
No, no, I boobered.

394
00:16:02,899 --> 00:16:05,938
That's when you get in a cab and
you show the driver your boobs

395
00:16:05,963 --> 00:16:08,380
instead of paying.

396
00:16:08,662 --> 00:16:10,578
Where's Mitch?!

397
00:16:11,908 --> 00:16:13,575
He owes me money!

398
00:16:13,890 --> 00:16:16,244
And why are you sleeping with him,

399
00:16:16,279 --> 00:16:17,829
you nasty skank?!

400
00:16:17,974 --> 00:16:19,724
Oh!

401
00:16:19,749 --> 00:16:21,116
How'd we get here?

402
00:16:21,141 --> 00:16:22,394
I told you!

403
00:16:22,419 --> 00:16:24,085
Boober!

404
00:16:25,849 --> 00:16:27,732
I'm s... I'm sorry.

405
00:16:27,757 --> 00:16:29,757
Sambuca makes me mean.

406
00:16:29,793 --> 00:16:31,452
You want some?

407
00:16:32,295 --> 00:16:33,428
Easy, easy.

408
00:16:33,463 --> 00:16:35,440
It's a $1,200 sweater.

409
00:16:36,116 --> 00:16:37,849
You were never sober, were you?

410
00:16:37,934 --> 00:16:38,850
Sure, I was.

411
00:16:38,875 --> 00:16:40,792
When I was nine.

412
00:16:40,937 --> 00:16:42,770
You went to a meeting with us!

413
00:16:42,806 --> 00:16:44,189
Why'd you lie?

414
00:16:44,274 --> 00:16:46,030
I want you to like me.

415
00:16:47,262 --> 00:16:48,710
Is it working?

416
00:16:50,647 --> 00:16:52,835
Hey!

417
00:16:52,860 --> 00:16:55,723
Stanley Tucci gave me this sweater!

418
00:16:55,819 --> 00:16:58,036
The Tooch!

419
00:16:58,121 --> 00:17:00,038
Larry said you didn't
charge any of those people

420
00:17:00,063 --> 00:17:01,600
for their drinks. What are you doing?

421
00:17:01,625 --> 00:17:03,208
Listen to me, listen to me.

422
00:17:04,734 --> 00:17:06,651
Listen to me.

423
00:17:06,691 --> 00:17:08,858
- We're listening!
- I have an idea.

424
00:17:08,999 --> 00:17:11,466
I was in a bar in Prague,

425
00:17:11,501 --> 00:17:14,052
and they had hookers.

426
00:17:14,077 --> 00:17:17,328
And people seemed to like it.

427
00:17:20,477 --> 00:17:22,427
Oh, great. My first brawl.

428
00:17:23,680 --> 00:17:24,680
I'm just saying,

429
00:17:24,764 --> 00:17:26,898
no one fights in a hooker bar.

430
00:17:28,485 --> 00:17:31,102
Mitch, you miserable prick!

431
00:17:31,127 --> 00:17:32,676
You broke my heart!

432
00:17:32,701 --> 00:17:33,901
That's not Mitch!

433
00:17:33,926 --> 00:17:35,133
I'm not Mitch.

434
00:17:35,158 --> 00:17:36,991
You're not Mitch.

435
00:17:37,440 --> 00:17:38,823
What's she doing here?

436
00:17:38,848 --> 00:17:40,359
She showed up at our
apartment looking for Mitch.

437
00:17:40,384 --> 00:17:42,129
I figured if I brought her down here,

438
00:17:42,154 --> 00:17:43,987
she'd cease to be my problem.

439
00:17:45,366 --> 00:17:46,678
Forget about Mitch.

440
00:17:46,703 --> 00:17:48,086
I like you now.

441
00:17:48,111 --> 00:17:50,624
Everybody, I like Not Mitch!

442
00:17:52,871 --> 00:17:54,504
And now she's his problem.

443
00:17:55,202 --> 00:17:57,512
Oh, I feel so safe here.

444
00:17:57,547 --> 00:17:59,522
What are we drinking?

445
00:18:00,882 --> 00:18:02,850
I can't believe I fell for this again.

446
00:18:02,886 --> 00:18:04,185
Well, to be fair,

447
00:18:04,221 --> 00:18:06,771
I am a Hollywood-level liar.

448
00:18:06,856 --> 00:18:08,223
Well, I should know better,

449
00:18:08,308 --> 00:18:10,225
because I'm whatever's
worse than Hollywood.

450
00:18:10,250 --> 00:18:12,717
Nothing's worse than Hollywood.

451
00:18:12,742 --> 00:18:15,029
As much as I want to
strangle you right now,

452
00:18:15,065 --> 00:18:17,115
I can't, because I am you.

453
00:18:17,200 --> 00:18:18,950
Well, I was you.

454
00:18:19,035 --> 00:18:22,124
A drunk tornado ripping
through people's lives.

455
00:18:22,149 --> 00:18:25,400
They wanted me to direct Sharknado 3.

456
00:18:25,482 --> 00:18:26,731
Shut up!

457
00:18:26,756 --> 00:18:30,335
I'm taking the high
road, you toxic cesspool!

458
00:18:38,056 --> 00:18:40,023
What I meant to say was...

459
00:18:41,725 --> 00:18:43,558
... as long as you're drinking,

460
00:18:43,593 --> 00:18:45,643
I don't want you in our lives.

461
00:18:46,046 --> 00:18:48,980
No calling, no e-mailing, no texting.

462
00:18:49,005 --> 00:18:51,062
What about Chapsnatch?

463
00:18:51,434 --> 00:18:53,608
Nothing. No contact.

464
00:18:54,437 --> 00:18:58,124
But if you ever sincerely want help...

465
00:18:59,918 --> 00:19:01,538
I'll be here for you.

466
00:19:03,079 --> 00:19:05,496
Ah.

467
00:19:05,730 --> 00:19:08,295
I see where this is going.

468
00:19:10,749 --> 00:19:12,916
Who's a pretty pony?

469
00:19:16,543 --> 00:19:17,792
Adam.

470
00:19:21,202 --> 00:19:23,631
You were always the good one.

471
00:19:23,778 --> 00:19:26,278
Why'd I stop sleeping with you?

472
00:19:26,303 --> 00:19:27,685
What happened to us?

473
00:19:27,831 --> 00:19:29,864
Give her a minute. She'll come back.

474
00:19:29,889 --> 00:19:31,671
What's your name?

475
00:19:33,085 --> 00:19:35,360
Leanne, y-you got to get off me.

476
00:19:35,385 --> 00:19:37,635
My fiancée has a temper.

477
00:19:37,660 --> 00:19:38,825
Adam!

478
00:19:38,850 --> 00:19:40,476
Bonnie hit me!

479
00:19:41,318 --> 00:19:42,780
See?

480
00:19:43,546 --> 00:19:44,929
Mitch!

481
00:19:44,954 --> 00:19:46,819
Leanne?!

482
00:19:48,054 --> 00:19:49,957
Why'd she hit you?

483
00:19:49,993 --> 00:19:51,659
No reason.

484
00:19:51,684 --> 00:19:53,767
Seriously? We should all be hitting him.

485
00:19:54,721 --> 00:19:56,171
You poor thing.

486
00:19:56,225 --> 00:19:57,975
I know, right?

487
00:19:58,874 --> 00:20:00,301
I miss you.

488
00:20:00,960 --> 00:20:02,482
I love you.

489
00:20:02,922 --> 00:20:04,889
I love you, too.

490
00:20:07,177 --> 00:20:08,760
Let's make a baby.

491
00:20:08,785 --> 00:20:10,335
It's true love.

492
00:20:12,558 --> 00:20:15,809
What's wrong with me
that I'm jealous of them?

493
00:20:19,828 --> 00:20:22,863
Cosmopolitan, you've done it again.

494
00:20:23,468 --> 00:20:25,076
Believe it or not, this time,

495
00:20:25,101 --> 00:20:26,433
Redbook.

496
00:20:27,335 --> 00:20:28,874
- Really?
- Yep.

497
00:20:28,899 --> 00:20:32,562
Right next to an article
about one-pot winter meals.

498
00:20:35,609 --> 00:20:37,843
- I love you.
- I love you, too.

499
00:20:37,868 --> 00:20:40,001
Mitch's check bounced.

500
00:20:40,553 --> 00:20:42,022
Go again.

501
00:20:42,046 --> 00:20:47,046
Subtitle sync and corrections by
ChrisKe for www.addic7ed.com.