1
00:00:34,764 --> 00:00:36,811
I think I follow
too many porn sites.

2
00:00:36,836 --> 00:00:38,714
- How many do you follow?
- So many.

3
00:00:38,739 --> 00:00:40,349
But I'm paranoid if I cut one,

4
00:00:40,374 --> 00:00:41,985
I'm gonna miss out
on some really good stuff.

5
00:00:42,009 --> 00:00:43,426
Well, then don't unfollow any.

6
00:00:43,451 --> 00:00:44,754
But every time
I pick up my phone,

7
00:00:44,778 --> 00:00:47,395
it takes me, like, an hour
to scroll through everything.

8
00:00:47,420 --> 00:00:49,785
Longer if I get all horned up
in the middle.

9
00:00:49,810 --> 00:00:52,053
Yeah... No, actually,
it sounds like

10
00:00:52,078 --> 00:00:56,967
you're in a terrible dilemma,
about which I empathize fully.

11
00:00:57,074 --> 00:00:58,787
Aw, thanks, Jimmy.

12
00:00:58,812 --> 00:01:01,060
You see, I didn't try to fix
your problem, I just empathized,

13
00:01:01,085 --> 00:01:02,818
like you taught me, like a girl.

14
00:01:02,843 --> 00:01:05,051
I appreciate that.
I feel very heard.

15
00:01:05,076 --> 00:01:06,591
Now fix my problem.

16
00:01:06,616 --> 00:01:07,865
So, hey.

17
00:01:07,890 --> 00:01:09,896
You know how you guys have been
visiting wedding planners,

18
00:01:09,921 --> 00:01:11,693
and no one's lived up
to your standards?

19
00:01:11,718 --> 00:01:13,834
- We think we know why.
- Because we've been

20
00:01:13,859 --> 00:01:16,318
lying to them
for our own amusement?

21
00:01:16,343 --> 00:01:20,389
Great work, Eugène François
Vidocq, first private detective

22
00:01:20,414 --> 00:01:22,334
and father
of modern criminology.

23
00:01:22,359 --> 00:01:24,487
Jimmy, please! We're talking.

24
00:01:24,717 --> 00:01:28,370
It's because they don't
know you.

25
00:01:28,395 --> 00:01:30,935
Because we've been lying
to them.

26
00:01:30,960 --> 00:01:33,506
Really, Edgar, what part of...?

27
00:01:36,374 --> 00:01:39,293
Who better to plan
the most important day

28
00:01:39,318 --> 00:01:43,582
of your lives than the two most
important people in your lives?

29
00:01:43,607 --> 00:01:46,160
So, first of all,
we were thinking something like

30
00:01:46,262 --> 00:01:48,417
August 7... think about it:

31
00:01:48,442 --> 00:01:50,826
midpoint of summer,
clear of any holidays.

32
00:01:50,851 --> 00:01:52,700
9/11 is just around the corner.

33
00:01:52,725 --> 00:01:54,725
Isn't August 7 your birthday?

34
00:01:55,013 --> 00:01:57,575
I know it's Charlize Theron's.

35
00:01:58,725 --> 00:02:01,100
Weird, it's mine, too.

36
00:02:01,774 --> 00:02:05,543
Spitballing here...
What if we combine celebrations?

37
00:02:06,090 --> 00:02:08,057
There's not going to be
a wedding.

38
00:02:11,181 --> 00:02:12,771
-What?! No.
-This is your natural goddamn end point

39
00:02:12,796 --> 00:02:14,279
- we're working toward here...
- You guys cannot break up again.

40
00:02:14,304 --> 00:02:16,373
It's like we keep doing
the same thing over and over,

41
00:02:16,398 --> 00:02:17,546
and it's too much for my heart.

42
00:02:17,571 --> 00:02:19,182
You're like two ruined ladies
from the past...

43
00:02:19,206 --> 00:02:21,318
You're the pin in my grenade,
and you do not want

44
00:02:21,342 --> 00:02:22,886
-to pull that pin!
- so close to having the birthday of my dreams.

45
00:02:22,910 --> 00:02:24,776
My God, shut up.

46
00:02:24,955 --> 00:02:28,334
Look, we're getting married,
we're just not having a wedding.

47
00:02:28,482 --> 00:02:31,459
In, like... ten hours.

48
00:02:33,209 --> 00:02:35,248
We're eloping, suckas!

49
00:02:36,004 --> 00:02:38,584
Wasting hella time with those
bunk-ass wedding planners

50
00:02:38,609 --> 00:02:40,721
made us realize we can just walk
right into the courthouse

51
00:02:40,746 --> 00:02:43,313
and do this damn thing like
we're paying a parking ticket.

52
00:02:43,390 --> 00:02:46,125
But that reminds me, I have,
like, 20 parking tickets to pay.

53
00:02:47,615 --> 00:02:49,801
Well, let's bring them.
Where are they?

54
00:02:52,014 --> 00:02:54,185
I can't believe
this is happening.

55
00:02:55,560 --> 00:02:58,357
Come on, let's go lay down.

56
00:02:59,213 --> 00:03:00,904
So, what you up to today,

57
00:03:00,929 --> 00:03:03,076
besides locking yourself down
a hunk?

58
00:03:03,101 --> 00:03:05,577
Coffee, e-mail...
might try to squeeze in

59
00:03:05,602 --> 00:03:07,102
a little nap before lunch. You?

60
00:03:07,127 --> 00:03:09,449
I've got my first meeting
for the movie adaptation

61
00:03:09,473 --> 00:03:10,709
of The Width of a Peach.

62
00:03:10,734 --> 00:03:14,582
So, I have to drive to the west
side, which is a whole thing.

63
00:03:14,607 --> 00:03:15,857
Eat dicks, west.

64
00:03:17,139 --> 00:03:18,967
Um... this came
in the post for you.

65
00:03:20,475 --> 00:03:25,404
Well, I am off. I shall return
a much maligned Hollywood elite.

66
00:03:25,472 --> 00:03:26,740
I'll see you at 4:30.

67
00:03:26,770 --> 00:03:28,529
We'll be right by
the two-dollar theater.

68
00:03:28,554 --> 00:03:30,685
They're showing
that Liam Neeson zeppelin movie.

69
00:03:31,114 --> 00:03:32,652
He wasn't asking for trouble.

70
00:03:32,677 --> 00:03:34,178
Trouble found him.

71
00:03:54,068 --> 00:03:59,228
www.subtitulamos.tv

72
00:04:12,684 --> 00:04:13,839
Sir...

73
00:04:21,029 --> 00:04:23,058
It's finally happening.

74
00:04:32,850 --> 00:04:34,516
Called it, I called it!

75
00:04:34,541 --> 00:04:36,708
It's mine. I called it.

76
00:04:42,638 --> 00:04:45,498
Hot, hot, not.

77
00:04:46,313 --> 00:04:49,068
- Maybe without the braces.
- Gretch?

78
00:04:49,623 --> 00:04:53,795
Has your office gotten bigger
or have I gotten smaller?

79
00:04:53,820 --> 00:04:56,824
Neither. I have had my eye
on this office for years,

80
00:04:56,849 --> 00:04:59,715
so I took advantage
of the current cultural climate

81
00:04:59,740 --> 00:05:01,412
and enacted
some personal reparations

82
00:05:01,437 --> 00:05:02,896
on behalf of women everywhere.

83
00:05:02,921 --> 00:05:04,513
You "Me Too-ed" a dude
for his office?

84
00:05:04,538 --> 00:05:07,763
You know it!
And here's the best part.

85
00:05:09,564 --> 00:05:11,137
Holy shit.

86
00:05:11,441 --> 00:05:13,724
A bathroom in an office?

87
00:05:13,749 --> 00:05:16,492
It's like Inception for pooping.

88
00:05:16,517 --> 00:05:19,401
And it has one
of those fancy Japanese toilets

89
00:05:19,426 --> 00:05:22,193
that washes your butt
when you forget how to wipe.

90
00:05:22,325 --> 00:05:23,619
But, but...

91
00:05:23,644 --> 00:05:25,761
Prima nocta, bitch.

92
00:05:25,786 --> 00:05:27,685
I break him in.

93
00:05:36,647 --> 00:05:37,951
So, what's up?

94
00:05:40,010 --> 00:05:42,877
I really think you're going
to regret not having a wedding.

95
00:05:42,902 --> 00:05:44,982
My God, Lindsay.

96
00:05:45,032 --> 00:05:47,404
Just rent out a Chuck E. Cheese
or something.

97
00:05:47,429 --> 00:05:49,521
This isn't about
our birthday/wedding.

98
00:05:50,193 --> 00:05:52,927
I just wanted to tell you
marriage is hard.

99
00:05:53,121 --> 00:05:55,982
Your wedding day
is the one day it's fun.

100
00:05:56,373 --> 00:05:58,760
Seriously, it's all downhill
after the wedding.

101
00:05:58,909 --> 00:06:00,326
That's just gravity.

102
00:06:00,351 --> 00:06:02,287
You're gonna go against gravity?

103
00:06:02,312 --> 00:06:04,484
I don't think so,
Sandra Bullock,

104
00:06:04,509 --> 00:06:06,591
star of the hit film Gravity.

105
00:06:06,650 --> 00:06:08,177
- What?
- I want a party!

106
00:06:08,202 --> 00:06:09,818
Lindsay, stop.

107
00:06:09,972 --> 00:06:12,224
Eloping is fine
because the point

108
00:06:12,257 --> 00:06:14,416
is being hitched,
not getting hitched,

109
00:06:14,441 --> 00:06:17,242
and if you'd ever actually
been in love, you'd know that.

110
00:06:18,513 --> 00:06:19,848
Why-why would you say that?

111
00:06:19,873 --> 00:06:21,066
Because when you divorced Paul,

112
00:06:21,091 --> 00:06:22,724
you told me
you'd never been in love.

113
00:06:23,513 --> 00:06:25,576
Okay, whatever.

114
00:06:26,680 --> 00:06:28,280
I have to go to day work.

115
00:06:28,305 --> 00:06:30,045
You forgot your dry cleaning.

116
00:06:30,070 --> 00:06:31,703
It's not my dry cleaning.

117
00:06:31,730 --> 00:06:35,045
It's actually a wedding dress
I stole for you from work.

118
00:06:35,145 --> 00:06:37,341
I brought it in case
you didn't want to look shitty

119
00:06:37,366 --> 00:06:39,638
at your fake-ass non-wedding.

120
00:06:44,974 --> 00:06:47,239
- Gretchen?
- I called it!

121
00:06:47,615 --> 00:06:52,154
No, we just wanted to thank you
for speaking out about Ryan.

122
00:06:52,560 --> 00:06:56,832
Ryan? Wait. This guy?

123
00:06:56,857 --> 00:06:58,300
He really was a harasser?

124
00:06:59,599 --> 00:07:00,693
U-Um, yeah.

125
00:07:01,488 --> 00:07:04,685
Anyway, thanks. You're a hero.

126
00:07:08,128 --> 00:07:09,732
I am a hero.

127
00:07:14,361 --> 00:07:15,670
We're just so excited, Jimmy.

128
00:07:15,695 --> 00:07:19,681
I still can't believe that my
book is being made into a movie.

129
00:07:19,706 --> 00:07:21,271
Well, believe it.

130
00:07:21,296 --> 00:07:23,427
I absolutely believe it.
I was being folksy.

131
00:07:23,999 --> 00:07:26,365
This thing is getting
great reads all over town.

132
00:07:26,390 --> 00:07:27,767
We're starting to hear
takes next week.

133
00:07:27,792 --> 00:07:29,559
Takes? Brilliant.

134
00:07:29,584 --> 00:07:31,521
And obviously, we'll run
the screenwriter by you,

135
00:07:31,546 --> 00:07:33,084
as a courtesy, you know.

136
00:07:33,109 --> 00:07:35,207
Thank you so much
for stopping by.

137
00:07:35,232 --> 00:07:36,888
And if you have any suggestions,

138
00:07:36,913 --> 00:07:38,841
we definitely want you
to feel heard.

139
00:07:39,115 --> 00:07:41,310
Wait, why would you
hire someone else

140
00:07:41,335 --> 00:07:43,654
to write the movie of my book?

141
00:07:47,411 --> 00:07:49,855
Great, you want to throw
your hat in the ring?

142
00:07:49,880 --> 00:07:50,779
That's fantastic.

143
00:07:50,804 --> 00:07:51,920
Yeah.

144
00:07:51,945 --> 00:07:54,950
Why don't you come back in once
you've nailed down your take?

145
00:07:54,975 --> 00:07:56,352
- Dan.
- Okay?

146
00:07:56,376 --> 00:07:58,388
- Ooh, sorry, guys, I got to run.
- Ooh.

147
00:07:58,412 --> 00:08:00,111
Great seeing you, Jim.

148
00:08:01,543 --> 00:08:04,944
That must be that,
big 1:00 meeting.

149
00:08:04,977 --> 00:08:07,216
I really should...

150
00:08:22,140 --> 00:08:23,685
What's a take?

151
00:08:29,052 --> 00:08:31,552
Stubborn bitch
is being such a stubborn bitch.

152
00:08:31,577 --> 00:08:32,966
She doesn't deserve that toilet.

153
00:08:32,991 --> 00:08:34,402
Lindsay, you're-you're
hurting my...

154
00:08:34,427 --> 00:08:36,123
She said I've never been
in love.

155
00:08:36,148 --> 00:08:37,935
How dare she criticize
my love life

156
00:08:37,960 --> 00:08:39,443
when she's eloping like a poor?

157
00:08:39,468 --> 00:08:41,013
This is bad, Lindsay.
Think about it.

158
00:08:41,038 --> 00:08:42,927
If they're cutting us
out of this, what's next?

159
00:08:42,952 --> 00:08:44,037
- Vacations?
- Dog adoptions.

160
00:08:44,062 --> 00:08:45,450
- Babies?
- Shopping montages.

161
00:08:45,475 --> 00:08:47,068
- Funerals?
- That dress was our last hope,

162
00:08:47,093 --> 00:08:48,201
and she didn't even look at it.

163
00:08:48,226 --> 00:08:49,794
This elopement
is a slippery slope.

164
00:08:49,819 --> 00:08:51,959
And we're sliding, Lindsay,
we're sliding fast.

165
00:08:52,990 --> 00:08:54,142
That's it.

166
00:08:54,466 --> 00:08:56,787
I have to convince him
to have a wedding.

167
00:08:58,193 --> 00:08:59,521
Buddy.

168
00:09:00,271 --> 00:09:03,091
Sweet, sweet buddy.

169
00:09:03,943 --> 00:09:06,981
- Sweet, sweet, sweet...
- What?!

170
00:09:07,006 --> 00:09:10,258
Edgar, Jimmy is smart.

171
00:09:10,283 --> 00:09:12,567
And you're, well, Edgar.

172
00:09:13,514 --> 00:09:14,709
I'm smart.

173
00:09:15,498 --> 00:09:17,936
I've been tricking Jimmy into
letting me live in his house

174
00:09:17,961 --> 00:09:19,444
for the last three years.

175
00:09:19,469 --> 00:09:20,668
Hate to break it to you,

176
00:09:20,693 --> 00:09:23,475
but you're the dumb one
of the group.

177
00:09:23,500 --> 00:09:26,045
What? No. You're the dumb one.

178
00:09:26,070 --> 00:09:27,506
- No, I'm the hot one.
- I'm the hot one.

179
00:09:30,752 --> 00:09:31,613
The reason you think

180
00:09:31,638 --> 00:09:33,282
someone else is the dumb one
of the group

181
00:09:33,306 --> 00:09:35,351
is because that's what
the dumb one's supposed to think

182
00:09:35,375 --> 00:09:36,613
to protect them,

183
00:09:36,638 --> 00:09:39,120
'cause if you were dumb and sad
at the same time,

184
00:09:39,145 --> 00:09:40,411
then you'd kill yourself.

185
00:09:41,542 --> 00:09:43,982
Now stick it back in me
somewhere, dummy.

186
00:09:49,824 --> 00:09:51,996
I'm not the dumb one,
you're the dumb one.

187
00:09:52,282 --> 00:09:53,270
Gretchen?

188
00:09:54,758 --> 00:09:57,130
Gretchen. Gretchen?

189
00:09:57,737 --> 00:10:01,473
Gretchen, are you okay?
Gretchen!

190
00:10:01,498 --> 00:10:04,091
- Gretchen, is our session today?
- How's Iowa?

191
00:10:04,116 --> 00:10:08,317
Wait, literally no one cares
about anyone in Iowa.

192
00:10:08,342 --> 00:10:10,544
Anyway, I am eloping today.

193
00:10:11,091 --> 00:10:12,800
And you feel
conflicted about it?

194
00:10:12,825 --> 00:10:13,683
Hell no.

195
00:10:13,708 --> 00:10:14,989
I feel great about it.

196
00:10:15,014 --> 00:10:16,622
They teach you
to jump to conclusions

197
00:10:16,647 --> 00:10:19,277
- in titty-sucking bitch school?
- I'm sorry.

198
00:10:19,302 --> 00:10:21,114
- I know we're working on that.
- Thank you.

199
00:10:21,138 --> 00:10:23,755
I meant titty-sucking
bitch university!

200
00:10:24,794 --> 00:10:26,919
Goddamn it,
I am killing it today.

201
00:10:26,944 --> 00:10:28,598
Gretchen, I have work to do.

202
00:10:29,763 --> 00:10:33,480
So, I was 100
on this eloping thing,

203
00:10:33,505 --> 00:10:35,050
and then this box showed up

204
00:10:35,075 --> 00:10:38,059
with this dumb
wedding dream book

205
00:10:38,084 --> 00:10:39,630
I made as a kid.

206
00:10:40,472 --> 00:10:43,411
And I'm still into eloping,
I just...

207
00:10:44,177 --> 00:10:45,403
I don't know.

208
00:10:47,543 --> 00:10:49,497
I'm just mad pissed.

209
00:10:49,522 --> 00:10:51,466
I told my simple-ass brother

210
00:10:51,491 --> 00:10:53,803
about this whole thing in
secret, and he went and blabbed

211
00:10:53,828 --> 00:10:55,706
to his depressed
postpartum sad wife.

212
00:10:55,731 --> 00:10:57,839
It's like, maybe focus
on keeping her

213
00:10:57,864 --> 00:11:00,128
from drowning my nephew,
you loose-lipped dickwad.

214
00:11:00,153 --> 00:11:03,111
Jesus Christ, Gretchen,
what is going on with you?

215
00:11:03,528 --> 00:11:05,325
It's this stupid book!

216
00:11:05,350 --> 00:11:06,372
And on top of that,

217
00:11:06,397 --> 00:11:08,356
Lindsay brought me
a wedding dress.

218
00:11:08,381 --> 00:11:11,911
It's like the universe
wants me to have a wedding?

219
00:11:12,205 --> 00:11:14,217
Sounds like you're more in touch
with what you want

220
00:11:14,241 --> 00:11:16,395
then you realize, and if you're
still having doubts...

221
00:11:16,420 --> 00:11:18,053
I should try the dress on?

222
00:11:18,078 --> 00:11:21,222
I was gonna say go for a run,
but sure, Gretchen,

223
00:11:21,247 --> 00:11:23,073
try on the dress
and see how you feel about it.

224
00:11:23,098 --> 00:11:24,059
Cool.

225
00:11:24,270 --> 00:11:25,811
I'm glad I figured that out.

226
00:11:25,836 --> 00:11:27,101
I'll Venmo myself ten bucks.

227
00:11:27,126 --> 00:11:28,598
It's $150.

228
00:11:28,983 --> 00:11:31,255
And you owe me for three months.

229
00:11:32,033 --> 00:11:34,397
Anyways, I... I hope
you and Boone figure it out.

230
00:11:34,430 --> 00:11:35,329
Who?

231
00:11:36,020 --> 00:11:37,689
Keep up, I'm marrying Jimmy.

232
00:11:38,442 --> 00:11:42,013
Gretchen, you listen
to me very carefully.

233
00:11:42,038 --> 00:11:44,271
Do not marry...

234
00:12:05,009 --> 00:12:06,927
Yeah, I feel nothing. Nice.

235
00:12:34,659 --> 00:12:39,880
Yeah, I got 15 minutes.
Let's do this, toilet.

236
00:12:48,468 --> 00:12:50,568
How dare they make me audition

237
00:12:50,593 --> 00:12:53,161
to write the movie version
of my book?

238
00:12:53,215 --> 00:12:54,514
It's illogical

239
00:12:54,539 --> 00:12:55,872
and insulting.

240
00:12:55,897 --> 00:12:57,989
And if that's the way
that this industry works,

241
00:12:58,014 --> 00:13:00,722
then I shan't be party
to any of it.

242
00:13:01,489 --> 00:13:03,948
- No, I shan't indeed.
- Hey.

243
00:13:03,973 --> 00:13:06,067
Let's not talk shop today.

244
00:13:07,169 --> 00:13:09,848
Um, a toast. To your wedding.

245
00:13:09,873 --> 00:13:11,833
Since we won't actually

246
00:13:11,875 --> 00:13:13,966
- be there, I just want to say...
- Edgar, Edgar,

247
00:13:13,991 --> 00:13:17,153
Edgar, please, just save
yourself the mental exertion

248
00:13:17,178 --> 00:13:20,725
you can clearly ill afford.
We're not having a wedding.

249
00:13:20,750 --> 00:13:21,911
- No, but you...
- Moreover,

250
00:13:21,935 --> 00:13:24,002
if you truly knew us,

251
00:13:24,027 --> 00:13:27,697
you would understand the
heterodox iconoclastic nature

252
00:13:27,722 --> 00:13:29,451
of a spontaneous elopement

253
00:13:29,476 --> 00:13:33,111
perfectly captures the renegade
tale of our amorous union.

254
00:13:33,136 --> 00:13:35,988
- So just save it.
- Fine.

255
00:13:36,430 --> 00:13:38,910
I did bring you here
to convince you to have

256
00:13:38,935 --> 00:13:40,347
a real wedding,

257
00:13:40,733 --> 00:13:43,053
but you painted such a beautiful
word salad just now,

258
00:13:43,078 --> 00:13:44,784
I've changed my mind.

259
00:13:46,174 --> 00:13:50,097
I guess Lindsay was right...
I am the dumb one of the group.

260
00:13:51,026 --> 00:13:53,560
Well, I guess eloping
does make sense

261
00:13:53,585 --> 00:13:55,613
considering all the people
whose weddings you've heckled

262
00:13:55,638 --> 00:13:58,205
over the years who'd just
show up to bring you down.

263
00:13:59,167 --> 00:14:01,917
Please!
I am un-bring-down-able.

264
00:14:01,942 --> 00:14:03,274
Nah, but weddings aren't.

265
00:14:03,299 --> 00:14:05,578
Remember what you did
to Becca and Vernon's?

266
00:14:05,603 --> 00:14:07,269
What a low-rent,

267
00:14:07,294 --> 00:14:08,927
tacky affair.

268
00:14:08,985 --> 00:14:12,159
I mean, the horrid music,
the wretched decor,

269
00:14:12,184 --> 00:14:13,862
my God, the food.

270
00:14:13,887 --> 00:14:16,378
There was nary a burrata bar
to be seen.

271
00:14:17,175 --> 00:14:19,738
Ooh, what kind of food
would you have?

272
00:14:20,205 --> 00:14:23,955
Well, my wedding would be
catered by Roy Choi,

273
00:14:23,980 --> 00:14:26,441
- obviously.
- Man, I love him.

274
00:14:26,693 --> 00:14:28,009
The flowers would have

275
00:14:28,034 --> 00:14:31,761
to be sourced same-day
from the flower mart, of course.

276
00:14:31,786 --> 00:14:35,464
Color palette:
Claude Monet, Rouen Cathedral,

277
00:14:35,489 --> 00:14:38,878
West Facade, Sunlight, 1892.

278
00:14:39,494 --> 00:14:41,620
But I'm getting ahead of myself.

279
00:14:42,716 --> 00:14:45,243
Day of the event, fade in.

280
00:14:45,268 --> 00:14:48,261
It's dawn at Adamson House,

281
00:14:48,389 --> 00:14:51,056
and the fog is dense
over the Pacific Ocean,

282
00:14:51,549 --> 00:14:54,150
like a perfect
Christmas pudding.

283
00:15:14,907 --> 00:15:16,503
Omakase?

284
00:15:27,833 --> 00:15:30,045
I'll have what I'm having.

285
00:15:42,544 --> 00:15:46,469
And then a tasteful fireworks
display over the ocean,

286
00:15:46,494 --> 00:15:50,596
scored to Mahler's Ich bin der
Welt abhanden gekommen,

287
00:15:50,621 --> 00:15:53,875
would bring to a close
the greatest wedding

288
00:15:53,900 --> 00:15:56,101
in the history of matrimony.

289
00:15:56,359 --> 00:16:01,162
Resetting the very bar
to which all couples aspire.

290
00:16:01,335 --> 00:16:03,211
As espoused by Will Smith

291
00:16:03,236 --> 00:16:06,039
as Alex "Hitch" Hitchens
in Hitch,

292
00:16:06,164 --> 00:16:10,116
"Life is not the amount
of breaths you take,

293
00:16:10,790 --> 00:16:14,937
it's the moments
that take your breath away."

294
00:16:17,078 --> 00:16:19,234
That shit was beautiful, bro.

295
00:16:19,293 --> 00:16:20,626
So when's this wedding?

296
00:16:20,651 --> 00:16:23,218
That was all hypothetical,
lowly barkeep.

297
00:16:23,576 --> 00:16:28,133
In fact, my fiancée and I
are eloping at...

298
00:16:29,617 --> 00:16:31,139
45 minutes ago.

299
00:16:31,554 --> 00:16:32,492
Dear God!

300
00:16:32,517 --> 00:16:34,953
- What'd you do, bro?
- Jimmy, no. Jimmy.

301
00:16:34,978 --> 00:16:37,578
She thinks I've abandoned her.
Again.

302
00:16:37,603 --> 00:16:39,039
No, Jimmy.

303
00:16:39,064 --> 00:16:43,789
I guess you have no choice
but to throw a real wedding.

304
00:17:22,511 --> 00:17:23,937
God.

305
00:17:35,303 --> 00:17:37,953
This is my fault.
This was my plan all along.

306
00:17:37,978 --> 00:17:40,350
Well, not this. Just the part
where I bamboozle you

307
00:17:40,375 --> 00:17:41,920
into wanting a real wedding.

308
00:17:41,945 --> 00:17:44,375
I didn't mean for you to leave
Gretchen at the non-altar.

309
00:17:45,007 --> 00:17:48,086
- I'm too powerful, Jimmy.
- Yeah, right.

310
00:17:48,111 --> 00:17:50,156
We've already established
that you're the dumb one.

311
00:17:50,181 --> 00:17:51,513
Nice try, though, dummy.

312
00:17:51,538 --> 00:17:53,550
Quick, give me a tube sock
and some nickels.

313
00:17:53,575 --> 00:17:55,386
I'll work you over,
basic training style,

314
00:17:55,411 --> 00:17:57,911
and Gretchen will think you got
jumped outside City Hall.

315
00:17:57,936 --> 00:18:01,726
Edgar, that is moronic.
What kind of demented idiot

316
00:18:01,751 --> 00:18:03,523
would agree
to something like that?

317
00:18:03,548 --> 00:18:04,864
Do it.

318
00:18:15,445 --> 00:18:18,489
Damn it, Gretchen! Stay still.

319
00:18:18,514 --> 00:18:20,594
This is really hard for me.

320
00:18:20,619 --> 00:18:23,637
I'm sorry, I thought I'd long
ago lost my survival instinct,

321
00:18:23,662 --> 00:18:27,344
along with my gag reflex.
Goddamn it!

322
00:18:27,369 --> 00:18:29,150
I can't believe
I missed my wedding.

323
00:18:29,175 --> 00:18:31,152
What the fuck is wrong with me?

324
00:18:31,177 --> 00:18:32,648
Gretchen, Gretchen.

325
00:18:32,673 --> 00:18:34,719
I know this seems
like a giant deal now,

326
00:18:34,744 --> 00:18:37,745
but in a few years,
when you and Jimmy are...

327
00:18:37,770 --> 00:18:39,914
No! Gretchen,

328
00:18:39,939 --> 00:18:42,780
I thought surprising you would
work, but it worked too good.

329
00:18:42,805 --> 00:18:43,687
I...

330
00:18:43,960 --> 00:18:45,008
- Again.
- What?

331
00:18:45,033 --> 00:18:47,273
No.
Honey, once was hard enough.

332
00:18:47,298 --> 00:18:48,554
I-I couldn't possibly...

333
00:18:49,540 --> 00:18:51,823
That's for saying
I've never been in love.

334
00:18:51,848 --> 00:18:53,773
Jesus, but it's true!

335
00:18:56,233 --> 00:18:59,531
Stop! Lindsay! Safe word!

336
00:19:16,719 --> 00:19:17,951
How do I look?

337
00:19:17,976 --> 00:19:20,875
Like Mickey Rourke
was stung by bees.

338
00:19:21,125 --> 00:19:22,024
Perfect.

339
00:19:22,857 --> 00:19:25,484
Sorry I said the thing
about you never being in love.

340
00:19:25,509 --> 00:19:27,711
It's okay. It's true.

341
00:19:28,312 --> 00:19:30,539
Just hurts to hear it out loud.

342
00:20:13,087 --> 00:20:14,476
No.

343
00:20:15,214 --> 00:20:17,523
My Snapple was in there.

344
00:20:34,699 --> 00:20:36,514
I don't smell smoke.

345
00:20:39,551 --> 00:20:42,686
And her car's not here.

346
00:20:45,204 --> 00:20:47,221
I... I guess
we're safe for now.

347
00:20:47,323 --> 00:20:49,857
I wonder if there's a way
that we can convince her

348
00:20:49,882 --> 00:20:52,111
that you manipulated me
into missing the wedding?

349
00:20:52,212 --> 00:20:54,879
You mean
my plan I actually did?

350
00:20:54,904 --> 00:20:59,007
Yeah, but in my fictitious
version, it worked.

351
00:21:00,342 --> 00:21:02,086
Okay, listen, Gretchen,

352
00:21:02,111 --> 00:21:03,756
I can...
My God!

353
00:21:04,481 --> 00:21:05,538
What happened?!

354
00:21:05,858 --> 00:21:08,577
Jimmy, I'm still shaking.

355
00:21:08,657 --> 00:21:11,850
I got in an insane accident.

356
00:21:11,875 --> 00:21:15,126
Like, an inch away
from being decapitated,

357
00:21:15,151 --> 00:21:18,428
Final Destination insane.

358
00:21:18,453 --> 00:21:20,194
Jesus, are... are you hurt?

359
00:21:20,219 --> 00:21:23,210
Yeah, but I guess I deserve it.

360
00:21:23,235 --> 00:21:26,436
Gretchen, I'm so, so sorry.

361
00:21:26,461 --> 00:21:29,013
Listen, the-the last thing
I'd want you to think is

362
00:21:29,038 --> 00:21:31,783
that I'd abandoned you... again.

363
00:21:31,808 --> 00:21:33,941
And,
it's been absolutely killing me.

364
00:21:34,043 --> 00:21:35,546
Wait. You didn't show up?

365
00:21:35,571 --> 00:21:37,972
I mean, you didn't show up.

366
00:21:38,585 --> 00:21:40,391
You didn't show up!

367
00:21:41,243 --> 00:21:43,527
What is wrong with you?

368
00:21:43,646 --> 00:21:47,075
You left me standing there
in this dress?

369
00:21:47,100 --> 00:21:49,384
Do you know how stupid I looked?

370
00:21:49,409 --> 00:21:52,293
Do you know
how humiliated I was?

371
00:21:52,318 --> 00:21:53,621
I'm so, so sorry.

372
00:21:53,646 --> 00:21:56,224
You left me standing there,

373
00:21:56,249 --> 00:21:58,432
waiting for you

374
00:21:58,564 --> 00:22:00,717
on the street!

375
00:22:01,061 --> 00:22:04,649
Crying like
I'm in some bad movie.

376
00:22:05,061 --> 00:22:09,733
All the other couples in line
were laughing at me!

377
00:22:09,960 --> 00:22:12,530
A homeless man hugged me

378
00:22:12,555 --> 00:22:15,155
'cause he felt so bad!

379
00:22:17,104 --> 00:22:20,225
What is wrong with you, Jimmy?

380
00:22:20,583 --> 00:22:22,316
What...?

381
00:22:22,341 --> 00:22:24,008
Gretchen.

382
00:22:24,110 --> 00:22:26,255
You just couldn't help yourself,
could you?

383
00:22:26,280 --> 00:22:27,983
What are you talking about?

384
00:22:28,008 --> 00:22:31,255
You little ginger fool. You say

385
00:22:31,280 --> 00:22:33,864
you were "waiting on the street"

386
00:22:33,889 --> 00:22:39,208
because you imagined City Hall
was just some sort of kiosk

387
00:22:39,233 --> 00:22:41,085
or storefront, didn't you?

388
00:22:41,110 --> 00:22:42,007
No. I...

389
00:22:42,032 --> 00:22:43,827
Because you've never been there.

390
00:22:43,852 --> 00:22:45,608
Not to pay a parking ticket,

391
00:22:45,945 --> 00:22:47,912
not to get married.

392
00:22:48,624 --> 00:22:51,035
You didn't show up either!

393
00:22:51,060 --> 00:22:54,075
Yes, I did. Why would I be
wearing this dress

394
00:22:54,100 --> 00:22:55,936
- if I didn't?
- See, when I mistakenly

395
00:22:55,961 --> 00:22:58,795
drank through
our City Hall wedding,

396
00:22:58,962 --> 00:23:03,296
Edgar's first instinct was
to use his penchant for violence

397
00:23:03,321 --> 00:23:06,919
to make it look as though
I was set upon by ruffians.

398
00:23:06,944 --> 00:23:10,971
Now something tells me, as
the twin dummies of the group,

399
00:23:10,996 --> 00:23:13,177
Lindsay had
a similar moronic idea.

400
00:23:13,202 --> 00:23:15,358
It was my moronic idea!

401
00:23:18,281 --> 00:23:19,436
Fine.

402
00:23:20,683 --> 00:23:22,022
I missed it, too.

403
00:23:22,810 --> 00:23:26,038
- Sit down, Gretchen.
- No.

404
00:23:26,072 --> 00:23:28,374
- Come on. We can figure this out.
- No.

405
00:23:28,399 --> 00:23:31,264
I know. I just can't sit down
right now.

406
00:23:32,010 --> 00:23:33,387
I missed the wedding

407
00:23:33,412 --> 00:23:35,157
'cause I was banging
my new toilet.

408
00:23:35,577 --> 00:23:37,460
It's a long story.

409
00:23:38,327 --> 00:23:39,143
Actually, it's not.

410
00:23:39,168 --> 00:23:40,764
I just said the whole thing.

411
00:23:42,280 --> 00:23:44,658
So, neither of us showed.

412
00:23:46,475 --> 00:23:50,311
Do you think
there's some deeper meaning?

413
00:23:56,752 --> 00:23:59,850
Gretchen Cutler's Wedding Diary.

414
00:24:01,685 --> 00:24:03,433
I think I want a wedding.

415
00:24:03,458 --> 00:24:05,880
A wedding? Are you mad?

416
00:24:05,905 --> 00:24:07,388
He wants one, too!

417
00:24:07,413 --> 00:24:10,194
Tell her about the fog, Jimmy.
The Christmas fog.

418
00:24:38,647 --> 00:24:42,442
Dear Gretchen, if you're watching
this, it's because I died.

419
00:24:42,849 --> 00:24:43,927
Just kidding!

420
00:24:43,992 --> 00:24:46,147
It's because
we're getting married!

421
00:24:46,329 --> 00:24:48,624
If everything's gone
according to the plan,

422
00:24:48,649 --> 00:24:51,749
you're a hot 22-year-old
marine biologist

423
00:24:51,774 --> 00:24:54,958
who's engaged
to Jonathan Taylor Thomas.

424
00:24:54,983 --> 00:24:56,143
22.

425
00:24:56,168 --> 00:24:58,723
- He's so cute.
- You're no JTT, pal.

426
00:24:58,748 --> 00:25:01,382
Okay. So this is
the must-have section.

427
00:25:01,436 --> 00:25:03,629
A French lace gown
with a ten-foot train,

428
00:25:03,654 --> 00:25:04,879
a chocolate fountain.

429
00:25:04,904 --> 00:25:06,548
New Kids on the Block
will perform.

430
00:25:06,572 --> 00:25:08,028
For the complete list, refer

431
00:25:08,053 --> 00:25:10,047
to the must-haves section
in our book.

432
00:25:13,694 --> 00:25:17,658
I know it sounds fun, but
marriage can be really scary.

433
00:25:17,683 --> 00:25:20,927
So, if you ever get nervous,
just remember

434
00:25:20,952 --> 00:25:22,803
you're making me really happy.

435
00:25:23,084 --> 00:25:25,951
And don't forget
to run everything by Mom,

436
00:25:25,976 --> 00:25:27,155
or you'll have to eat dinner

437
00:25:27,180 --> 00:25:29,553
in the scary room for bad girls
under the stairs.

438
00:25:32,888 --> 00:25:35,022
So should we pick a date?

439
00:25:35,403 --> 00:25:38,022
- August 7 is a nice...
- No!

440
00:26:17,135 --> 00:26:24,165
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