1
00:00:10,659 --> 00:00:14,246
Hey, Jake, how come we never
talk about girls?

2
00:00:14,349 --> 00:00:16,418
What do you mean "girls"?

3
00:00:16,443 --> 00:00:17,970
You know, guy stuff.

4
00:00:17,995 --> 00:00:19,719
Like which girls
in the office we think

5
00:00:19,744 --> 00:00:21,399
are hot and have crushes on.

6
00:00:21,429 --> 00:00:22,798
We're not that type of guy.

7
00:00:22,823 --> 00:00:24,123
That's the worst type of guy.

8
00:00:24,148 --> 00:00:26,170
Well, Jake, it just so happens

9
00:00:26,195 --> 00:00:29,237
that I have a huge office crush.

10
00:00:29,340 --> 00:00:30,857
It's a big boy.

11
00:00:30,882 --> 00:00:32,763
But if you don't care,

12
00:00:32,788 --> 00:00:35,039
I guess you don't get
to find out who it is.

13
00:00:35,064 --> 00:00:36,945
Let me guess, it's her.

14
00:00:38,703 --> 00:00:40,435
How'd you know?
Did she ask about me?

15
00:00:40,460 --> 00:00:41,943
It's just a proximity crush.

16
00:00:41,968 --> 00:00:43,695
The only reason you like her
is because she's the woman

17
00:00:43,719 --> 00:00:44,892
you see the most every day.

18
00:00:44,917 --> 00:00:46,664
Jake, this isn't a joke.

19
00:00:46,798 --> 00:00:48,522
I might be in love with her.

20
00:00:48,547 --> 00:00:50,064
Yeah?
What specifically

21
00:00:50,089 --> 00:00:51,664
do you love about her, Matt?

22
00:00:51,833 --> 00:00:55,729
I mean, just look at
how nice her face looks.

23
00:00:55,937 --> 00:01:00,623
And I like the way she places
her belongings into boxes.

24
00:01:00,648 --> 00:01:01,835
It's cute.

25
00:01:01,860 --> 00:01:03,742
You know it's her
last day, right?

26
00:01:03,767 --> 00:01:04,875
What?!

27
00:01:06,237 --> 00:01:07,304
Hey.

28
00:01:08,031 --> 00:01:08,937
Hey.

29
00:01:09,335 --> 00:01:12,211
Before you go, there's
something I need to say.

30
00:01:14,428 --> 00:01:15,312
Lauren...

31
00:01:15,337 --> 00:01:16,510
It's Laura.

32
00:01:17,170 --> 00:01:18,075
What?

33
00:01:18,178 --> 00:01:19,748
My name is Laura.

34
00:01:22,241 --> 00:01:23,391
Yeah, no.

35
00:01:23,416 --> 00:01:24,319
Yeah.

36
00:01:36,405 --> 00:01:42,600
www.subtitulamos.tv

37
00:01:43,584 --> 00:01:45,867
We've been negotiating for months.

38
00:01:45,901 --> 00:01:48,246
I thought we'd reached
an agreement.

39
00:01:48,428 --> 00:01:49,980
What's changed?

40
00:01:50,005 --> 00:01:53,522
A few weeks ago,
my 57th grandchild,

41
00:01:53,547 --> 00:01:55,036
Stephanie, was born.

42
00:01:55,061 --> 00:01:57,364
And last night,
I looked into her

43
00:01:57,389 --> 00:02:01,858
baby-blue eyes,
and it became clear to me.

44
00:02:02,388 --> 00:02:06,678
I couldn't sell BNN
to Hampton DeVille.

45
00:02:10,015 --> 00:02:13,153
You are a profit-driven Goliath.

46
00:02:13,428 --> 00:02:16,848
I can't allow
my 57 grandchildren

47
00:02:16,873 --> 00:02:19,739
to grow up in a world
where information

48
00:02:19,764 --> 00:02:24,186
is dominated by
corporations like yours.

49
00:02:25,547 --> 00:02:28,944
"The pen is mightier
than the sword."

50
00:02:29,022 --> 00:02:30,277
Do you know who said that?

51
00:02:30,571 --> 00:02:31,950
Edward Bulwer-Lytton.

52
00:02:31,975 --> 00:02:34,280
And you know how he died, right?

53
00:02:34,935 --> 00:02:38,832
Somebody cut his head off
with a sword.

54
00:02:39,231 --> 00:02:40,872
I do not believe that's true.

55
00:02:40,897 --> 00:02:42,798
See, now, that's
what's nice about owning

56
00:02:42,823 --> 00:02:44,478
your own news organization.

57
00:02:44,775 --> 00:02:47,216
You get to decide what's true.

58
00:02:48,719 --> 00:02:51,512
Christian, please,
put that back.

59
00:02:51,663 --> 00:02:54,215
Do you know who holds
the advantage

60
00:02:54,240 --> 00:02:55,694
in a negotiation, Terry?

61
00:02:55,920 --> 00:02:58,864
It's the person
with the least to lose.

62
00:02:58,889 --> 00:03:03,133
Now, you have a loving family,
while I, on the other hand,

63
00:03:03,158 --> 00:03:07,413
have no family,
no wife to come home to,

64
00:03:07,438 --> 00:03:10,005
no kids' soccer games
to cheer for.

65
00:03:10,030 --> 00:03:11,512
Rah-rah!

66
00:03:11,537 --> 00:03:15,926
I'm all alone, Terry,
and I have nothing to lose

67
00:03:15,951 --> 00:03:20,498
except this business deal.

68
00:03:25,547 --> 00:03:27,177
Great news.

69
00:03:27,342 --> 00:03:30,920
I've just negotiated a deal
for Hampton DeVille to acq...

70
00:03:33,961 --> 00:03:35,038
John...

71
00:03:35,631 --> 00:03:38,660
do you have some pressing
business to discuss?

72
00:03:38,685 --> 00:03:39,975
Yes, I do.

73
00:03:41,935 --> 00:03:43,694
Firstly, I want
to let everyone know that

74
00:03:43,719 --> 00:03:45,547
I did not burn my hand.

75
00:03:45,572 --> 00:03:47,798
Thanks for asking Carl,
Lucy, and Sander.

76
00:03:48,288 --> 00:03:51,294
The reason I am wearing
this glove is...

77
00:03:51,319 --> 00:03:53,155
over the three-day weekend...

78
00:03:55,059 --> 00:03:56,059
I got married.

79
00:03:57,512 --> 00:03:58,512
Yeah!

80
00:04:00,905 --> 00:04:02,717
I-I found love!

81
00:04:02,748 --> 00:04:05,005
I am officially off the market!

82
00:04:05,506 --> 00:04:06,833
What does she do?

83
00:04:06,858 --> 00:04:08,716
A park ranger,
and a damn good one.

84
00:04:08,858 --> 00:04:10,191
Attaboy!

85
00:04:10,279 --> 00:04:13,270
But this is brushed gold,
Kate, sir.

86
00:04:13,295 --> 00:04:15,350
Some poor woman looked
at John and said,

87
00:04:15,375 --> 00:04:16,881
"That's
my guy forever."

88
00:04:16,906 --> 00:04:17,952
This proves that love

89
00:04:17,977 --> 00:04:20,246
is not special and literally
anyone can find someone.

90
00:04:20,271 --> 00:04:23,731
I found my park ranger, and then
I just let her slip away.

91
00:04:23,756 --> 00:04:25,009
You didn't even know her name.

92
00:04:25,034 --> 00:04:27,074
You don't have to know
someone's name to be in love.

93
00:04:27,099 --> 00:04:29,075
You can call a rose whatever
the fuck you want.

94
00:04:29,100 --> 00:04:31,116
That's what I learned
from "Romeo and Julia."

95
00:04:31,248 --> 00:04:34,600
I've got one more
surprise for everyone.

96
00:04:34,916 --> 00:04:39,729
My wife baked a batch
of her famous

97
00:04:40,077 --> 00:04:44,577
ooey-gooey butterballs
for the office.

98
00:04:44,602 --> 00:04:46,577
Take one and just
kind of pass it around.

99
00:04:46,602 --> 00:04:48,638
You are gonna get messy because
these are no joke.

100
00:04:48,663 --> 00:04:49,663
John.

101
00:04:50,607 --> 00:04:51,933
Enough.

102
00:04:52,272 --> 00:04:54,556
Your wife's
ooey-gooey butterballs

103
00:04:54,581 --> 00:04:56,348
can wait until
after the meeting.

104
00:04:56,373 --> 00:04:58,919
I'm so sorry, Christian.
So sorry.

105
00:04:58,944 --> 00:05:00,443
But don't worry, everyone,

106
00:05:00,468 --> 00:05:02,556
they're even gooey-er
when you wait.

107
00:05:02,581 --> 00:05:04,498
And back to Christian.

108
00:05:06,959 --> 00:05:10,650
Now, what I was about to say was

109
00:05:10,973 --> 00:05:14,538
I bought BNN.

110
00:05:20,030 --> 00:05:22,780
It was a $10 billion deal.

111
00:05:23,961 --> 00:05:25,348
The media said it was
impossible.

112
00:05:25,373 --> 00:05:27,384
Congress said
it was "illegal."

113
00:05:27,409 --> 00:05:31,409
But through sheer force of will,
I made it happen.

114
00:05:39,638 --> 00:05:41,154
Okay, then.

115
00:05:45,554 --> 00:05:48,143
John, go ahead and,

116
00:05:48,246 --> 00:05:50,315
pass out your wife's
little treats.

117
00:05:50,340 --> 00:05:51,581
Yes, sir.

118
00:05:51,661 --> 00:05:53,388
All right, everyone,
come and get it.

119
00:05:53,413 --> 00:05:55,614
Now, warning, these are
extremely gooey.

120
00:05:55,639 --> 00:05:58,014
One of these is vegan.
I couldn't tell you which one.

121
00:05:58,039 --> 00:06:00,428
John, this is crazy.

122
00:06:00,453 --> 00:06:01,488
I'm so happy for you.

123
00:06:01,513 --> 00:06:03,212
Hey, whoa! Kate...

124
00:06:03,316 --> 00:06:05,005
Married man, here.

125
00:06:05,030 --> 00:06:07,319
You can look,
but you can't touch.

126
00:06:09,961 --> 00:06:11,443
They're the rules now.

127
00:06:11,468 --> 00:06:13,069
The rules of marriage.

128
00:06:20,073 --> 00:06:22,832
Life has just lost
a little bit of its luster

129
00:06:22,857 --> 00:06:24,547
ever since...

130
00:06:24,634 --> 00:06:27,487
Laura left me to be
with her kids.

131
00:06:27,512 --> 00:06:29,614
Matt, relax.
You're just gonna get a crush

132
00:06:29,639 --> 00:06:32,237
on whoever sits there next
and forget Laura ever existed.

133
00:06:32,616 --> 00:06:34,418
Her? No way.

134
00:06:34,849 --> 00:06:37,160
I'll bet you 100 bucks
I don't get a crush on her.

135
00:06:37,185 --> 00:06:38,295
Let's shake on it.

136
00:06:38,320 --> 00:06:40,530
No. Only shitty guys
make bets about women.

137
00:06:40,555 --> 00:06:41,900
Leave me alone.

138
00:06:41,925 --> 00:06:43,407
Okay.

139
00:06:43,902 --> 00:06:46,827
Guess I'll just go make up
an excuse to...

140
00:06:47,188 --> 00:06:48,473
Hey, stop it.

141
00:06:48,498 --> 00:06:49,427
Get off.

142
00:06:49,452 --> 00:06:50,889
I'll sue you.
I'll eat your kids.

143
00:06:50,914 --> 00:06:52,444
Shake my hand.

144
00:06:52,847 --> 00:06:54,950
- The bet is on!
- Hey, guys.

145
00:06:55,413 --> 00:06:57,510
I'm Jessica.
I just started working here.

146
00:06:57,535 --> 00:06:59,561
Hi, Jessica. I'm Jake.
This is Matt.

147
00:06:59,586 --> 00:07:00,793
Welcome to hell.

148
00:07:01,091 --> 00:07:03,077
I drink that
exact same cold brew.

149
00:07:03,387 --> 00:07:04,525
Don't you love it?

150
00:07:04,675 --> 00:07:05,725
I do.

151
00:07:07,948 --> 00:07:10,006
Cool. Me too.

152
00:07:10,031 --> 00:07:11,131
I'm addicted.

153
00:07:11,167 --> 00:07:12,729
Sounds like you two have
a lot in common.

154
00:07:12,754 --> 00:07:14,444
I mean, I-I w... I wouldn't
say I'm addicted.

155
00:07:14,469 --> 00:07:16,814
Yeah, I-I have tons
of self-control, so...

156
00:07:16,993 --> 00:07:18,476
Anyway, I just wanted to say hi.

157
00:07:18,501 --> 00:07:20,092
Thought it would be weird
if we were staring at each other

158
00:07:20,117 --> 00:07:22,013
all day and didn't even
know each other's names.

159
00:07:22,104 --> 00:07:24,584
Yeah.
That'd be fucked up.

160
00:07:25,789 --> 00:07:27,373
Okay.
See you around.

161
00:07:28,659 --> 00:07:30,975
What do you think you two are
gonna name your kids?

162
00:07:31,868 --> 00:07:33,316
Just curious.

163
00:07:36,142 --> 00:07:38,625
Don't even get me started
on my fucking wife.

164
00:07:39,026 --> 00:07:40,026
Here we go!

165
00:07:40,138 --> 00:07:42,077
So, the other day,
she comes back

166
00:07:42,102 --> 00:07:44,217
from the store, and get this,

167
00:07:44,242 --> 00:07:46,553
she didn't get
the cage-free eggs.

168
00:07:46,578 --> 00:07:49,038
So here I am, hand up my ass,

169
00:07:49,063 --> 00:07:51,139
forced to eat eggs
from a chicken

170
00:07:51,164 --> 00:07:53,100
who had to suffer in cages.

171
00:07:54,873 --> 00:07:55,983
Are you fucking nuts?!

172
00:07:56,008 --> 00:07:57,819
She sounds fucking nuts!

173
00:07:59,291 --> 00:08:02,178
My fucking wife won't
go down on me anymore.

174
00:08:04,178 --> 00:08:05,031
No good.

175
00:08:05,056 --> 00:08:08,427
Yeah, I hate to interrupt,
but, John,

176
00:08:08,452 --> 00:08:10,625
you missed our conference call
on the BNN deal.

177
00:08:10,650 --> 00:08:12,319
Sorry, Kate.

178
00:08:12,344 --> 00:08:14,694
The guys brought me these Cubans
imported from Canada,

179
00:08:14,719 --> 00:08:17,319
and I, we started
busting each other's chops.

180
00:08:17,344 --> 00:08:20,275
I had to lie to the FCC
all by myself.

181
00:08:20,354 --> 00:08:24,405
Geez, Kate, you're starting
to sound like my fucking wife.

182
00:08:26,864 --> 00:08:29,241
John, let's do a working lunch,
and I'll catch you up.

183
00:08:29,444 --> 00:08:31,959
Actually, I was gonna
eat with the guys.

184
00:08:33,214 --> 00:08:34,974
Our wives all packed us lunch.

185
00:08:38,031 --> 00:08:40,311
So, Jake and I have
a little bet going about

186
00:08:40,336 --> 00:08:42,233
whether or not I'll get
a crush on this girl.

187
00:08:42,258 --> 00:08:44,545
- We didn't make a bet.
- Yes, we did.

188
00:08:44,819 --> 00:08:46,053
Who is she?

189
00:08:46,078 --> 00:08:47,767
She sits right outside
of our office.

190
00:08:47,882 --> 00:08:50,020
So it's a proximity crush.

191
00:08:50,045 --> 00:08:53,842
I have one of those.
His name is Jerry Sluntz.

192
00:08:54,151 --> 00:08:56,272
He sits right outside my office,

193
00:08:56,297 --> 00:08:57,918
and he's disgusting.

194
00:08:58,670 --> 00:09:00,944
At first, he's hard to look at.

195
00:09:01,487 --> 00:09:04,998
But eventually,
you can't look away.

196
00:09:05,144 --> 00:09:07,350
Well, I don't have
a proximity crush because

197
00:09:07,375 --> 00:09:11,053
I already found the one,
and her name is... Laura.

198
00:09:11,078 --> 00:09:12,358
Matt, enough.

199
00:09:12,383 --> 00:09:14,288
There are 7 billion people
on Earth.

200
00:09:14,313 --> 00:09:16,405
Even if "the one" exists,
you'll never meet her.

201
00:09:16,430 --> 00:09:18,428
The best you can do
is arbitrarily choose

202
00:09:18,453 --> 00:09:20,074
a partner you share
a few interests with

203
00:09:20,099 --> 00:09:21,655
and hope their dormant
personality flaws

204
00:09:21,680 --> 00:09:22,530
can be medicated.

205
00:09:22,555 --> 00:09:23,475
That's the thing.

206
00:09:23,500 --> 00:09:25,702
Jessica and I barely
have anything in common.

207
00:09:25,727 --> 00:09:27,725
- Hi, guys.
- Hey, Jessica.

208
00:09:28,491 --> 00:09:30,952
Ooh. Looks like you two
are sub buddies.

209
00:09:30,977 --> 00:09:33,012
Wow, you like copying
everything I do, Matt.

210
00:09:33,037 --> 00:09:35,170
Actually, I go by Jessica now.

211
00:09:35,195 --> 00:09:36,584
I stole your whole identity.

212
00:09:36,609 --> 00:09:38,069
Well,
I'm calling the police.

213
00:09:38,094 --> 00:09:40,209
Yeah, well,
my father, Mr. Jessica,

214
00:09:40,234 --> 00:09:42,280
owns the police, so good luck.

215
00:09:42,872 --> 00:09:44,608
How's the sub, Jessica?

216
00:09:46,171 --> 00:09:47,553
It's incredible.

217
00:09:48,730 --> 00:09:50,385
I mean, it's fine.

218
00:09:50,410 --> 00:09:51,733
You know, whatever.

219
00:09:51,758 --> 00:09:53,209
Sounds amazing.

220
00:09:55,570 --> 00:10:00,256
You all have made BNN
the third-rated

221
00:10:00,281 --> 00:10:05,005
cable news network,
and that is a disgrace.

222
00:10:05,202 --> 00:10:09,756
So, here's how we're going to
take BNN to number one.

223
00:10:09,963 --> 00:10:12,772
Well, let me take a guess.

224
00:10:14,340 --> 00:10:16,241
Make the news
a product like everything else

225
00:10:16,266 --> 00:10:17,741
Hampton DeVille sells.

226
00:10:18,311 --> 00:10:22,202
Well, the news is not
a tube of toothpaste!

227
00:10:23,038 --> 00:10:25,631
Journalism is built
on integrity!

228
00:10:25,656 --> 00:10:28,311
It's a public service,
for God's sake!

229
00:10:28,336 --> 00:10:32,038
And that is my name
on that Koppel Award!

230
00:10:32,333 --> 00:10:34,265
Cronker Wilson.

231
00:10:34,423 --> 00:10:37,679
And I will not stand here
and allow you people...

232
00:10:37,704 --> 00:10:39,876
Shut the fuck up, Cronker!

233
00:10:40,332 --> 00:10:41,470
You're not a journalist!

234
00:10:41,542 --> 00:10:42,990
You were on
"Dancing with the Stars,"

235
00:10:43,015 --> 00:10:43,920
for Christ's sake.

236
00:10:43,945 --> 00:10:45,702
And the only thing
that you've investigated

237
00:10:45,727 --> 00:10:48,417
in the last 10 years
is which one of the interns

238
00:10:48,442 --> 00:10:50,304
is gonna give you a hand job.

239
00:10:51,006 --> 00:10:53,373
Sit... down.

240
00:10:58,191 --> 00:11:03,147
Actually, Cronker,
stand back up.

241
00:11:05,813 --> 00:11:11,108
Cronker, you are
a legendary figure

242
00:11:11,133 --> 00:11:12,366
in news journalism,

243
00:11:12,391 --> 00:11:15,584
and I would be honored
to keep you here at BNN.

244
00:11:17,450 --> 00:11:19,827
As a janitor.

245
00:11:22,654 --> 00:11:24,505
Now take out the trash.

246
00:11:26,915 --> 00:11:28,202
Karen is right.

247
00:11:29,225 --> 00:11:31,949
Journalism has been dead
for 20 years.

248
00:11:32,037 --> 00:11:34,806
The news is
a tube of toothpaste,

249
00:11:34,831 --> 00:11:38,178
and you are all
my toothpaste salesmen.

250
00:11:38,203 --> 00:11:39,741
So I don't care how you do it.

251
00:11:39,766 --> 00:11:41,748
You can add nicotine to
toothpaste for all I care.

252
00:11:41,773 --> 00:11:47,475
Just get out there and sell more
fucking toothpaste.

253
00:11:52,372 --> 00:11:54,579
It's refreshing to finally
have someone in charge

254
00:11:54,604 --> 00:11:57,569
who understands we're in
the 21st century.

255
00:11:57,658 --> 00:11:59,934
And it's nice to meet
a journalist who understands

256
00:11:59,959 --> 00:12:01,913
that news is a business.

257
00:12:01,938 --> 00:12:04,139
Wow. Well, I give you
a compliment,

258
00:12:04,164 --> 00:12:06,873
and then you insult me
by calling me a journalist.

259
00:12:08,047 --> 00:12:10,565
You know, I don't believe
we've ever met in person,

260
00:12:10,590 --> 00:12:12,703
though, I do recall you
trying to crucify me

261
00:12:12,728 --> 00:12:14,225
live via satellite.

262
00:12:14,250 --> 00:12:15,569
Well, I would apologize,

263
00:12:15,594 --> 00:12:18,381
but that segment
got huge ratings.

264
00:12:18,573 --> 00:12:19,642
Do you forgive me?

265
00:12:19,816 --> 00:12:21,194
I do.

266
00:12:23,761 --> 00:12:25,106
Cool.

267
00:12:25,264 --> 00:12:27,944
Well, anyway, I just wanted
to introduce myself.

268
00:12:27,969 --> 00:12:29,773
I figured it'd be weird
if we were working together

269
00:12:29,797 --> 00:12:31,427
but we never met face to face.

270
00:12:31,452 --> 00:12:34,413
Yeah.
That'd be, um, fucked up.

271
00:12:34,857 --> 00:12:35,842
Great.

272
00:12:36,395 --> 00:12:37,514
See you around.

273
00:12:49,420 --> 00:12:51,634
I just broke out like crazy,
'cause I'm allergic...

274
00:12:51,659 --> 00:12:53,600
You don't have
a crush on Jessica.

275
00:12:53,625 --> 00:12:55,197
You love Laura.

276
00:12:55,222 --> 00:12:57,108
Or wait, is it Lauren?
No. Shit.

277
00:13:06,794 --> 00:13:08,319
The only people who survived

278
00:13:08,344 --> 00:13:10,475
the plane crash were neo-Nazis.

279
00:13:10,500 --> 00:13:12,655
However,
the Mormon Tabernacle Choir

280
00:13:12,680 --> 00:13:13,818
was not so lucky.

281
00:13:13,843 --> 00:13:15,440
I don't mean to be
paranoid, but I think

282
00:13:15,465 --> 00:13:17,565
someone logged on
to my computer and changed

283
00:13:17,590 --> 00:13:20,082
the screen saver because
I have never been to Canada,

284
00:13:20,107 --> 00:13:23,176
and this was like a picture
of maple and mountains.

285
00:13:23,358 --> 00:13:26,217
Quit daydreaming
about your fucking wife!

286
00:13:28,107 --> 00:13:29,584
Laura. Lauren.

287
00:13:29,609 --> 00:13:31,545
Jessica, Jessica,
Jessica, Jessica

288
00:13:33,975 --> 00:13:35,327
You don't love Jessica! Jessica.

289
00:13:35,492 --> 00:13:36,647
Jake is wrong!

290
00:13:36,849 --> 00:13:38,366
Soul mates are real.

291
00:13:38,391 --> 00:13:39,597
She's not the one for you...

292
00:13:39,622 --> 00:13:40,905
and you know that.

293
00:13:40,930 --> 00:13:43,131
Jessica, Jessica, Jessica,
Jessica, Jessica, Jennifer.

294
00:13:43,156 --> 00:13:45,584
No, not Jennifer. Jessica. No.

295
00:13:45,609 --> 00:13:47,756
Listen, everyone just
shut up and let me think.

296
00:13:48,351 --> 00:13:50,686
Okay, Jake, you win the big bet.

297
00:13:51,005 --> 00:13:53,334
I have a crush on Jessica.

298
00:13:53,693 --> 00:13:55,764
I guess I never
really did love Laura.

299
00:13:57,728 --> 00:14:00,217
I don't know.
I think she was the one.

300
00:14:01,578 --> 00:14:02,853
I don't care if he's in jail,

301
00:14:02,878 --> 00:14:04,288
he's still Hampton DeVille's
top lawyer.

302
00:14:04,313 --> 00:14:05,217
John, you wanted to see me.

303
00:14:05,242 --> 00:14:07,663
Yes. Kate, I've spent
the whole morning

304
00:14:07,688 --> 00:14:10,248
putting together something
you're going to want to see.

305
00:14:13,827 --> 00:14:17,196
These are my wife's
seven brothers.

306
00:14:17,221 --> 00:14:19,841
Randall, Robert, Roger,
Ronald, Richard, Ryan, and Ray.

307
00:14:19,866 --> 00:14:23,272
Technically, they're a litter,
and they're all single,

308
00:14:23,297 --> 00:14:24,498
if you can believe it.

309
00:14:24,523 --> 00:14:26,866
Now, Randall is a little off,

310
00:14:26,891 --> 00:14:29,600
but once you get to know him,
it's actually really funny.

311
00:14:29,625 --> 00:14:31,762
Like a deer that
thinks it's a cat.

312
00:14:31,866 --> 00:14:34,556
John,
why have you done this?

313
00:14:34,581 --> 00:14:38,061
Kate, my wife knows
all about our sexual history.

314
00:14:38,220 --> 00:14:42,577
I told her every lurid detail,
and she got mad.

315
00:14:42,758 --> 00:14:47,194
We had efficient sex
one time at a corporate retreat.

316
00:14:47,219 --> 00:14:49,827
It's no big deal.
Also, why is Gary here?

317
00:14:49,861 --> 00:14:51,930
I asked him to be our chaperone.

318
00:14:52,097 --> 00:14:54,428
I could not tell
my fucking wife that I was

319
00:14:54,453 --> 00:14:56,825
at a meal alone
with another woman.

320
00:14:56,850 --> 00:14:58,241
This is not a meal.

321
00:14:58,266 --> 00:14:59,155
I'm eating.

322
00:14:59,180 --> 00:15:01,038
Look, I didn't want
to get into this

323
00:15:01,063 --> 00:15:03,819
in front of Gary, but...

324
00:15:04,472 --> 00:15:06,663
I'm a little worried that you
still have feelings for me.

325
00:15:06,688 --> 00:15:08,592
And I just think
it would put everyone's

326
00:15:08,617 --> 00:15:11,479
mind at ease if you were
in a committed relationship.

327
00:15:11,504 --> 00:15:14,389
Now, my suggestion is Ryan
'cause he's a great kisser.

328
00:15:14,414 --> 00:15:15,875
Gary prefers Robert.

329
00:15:15,900 --> 00:15:18,084
But whatever you do,
don't pick Randall.

330
00:15:18,109 --> 00:15:19,717
I just don't think
you're his type.

331
00:15:19,742 --> 00:15:22,553
John, how do I put this harshly?

332
00:15:23,170 --> 00:15:26,592
The moment your penis
left my body,

333
00:15:27,006 --> 00:15:29,040
it was as if
it had never been there.

334
00:15:30,084 --> 00:15:31,935
Ouch!

335
00:15:31,960 --> 00:15:34,600
So why don't we
table this discussion forever

336
00:15:34,625 --> 00:15:36,039
and get back to work.

337
00:15:36,725 --> 00:15:39,248
John, your fucking
wife is on line 1.

338
00:15:39,273 --> 00:15:41,186
It's probably an emergency.

339
00:15:41,846 --> 00:15:43,294
Hey, honey-boo-boo-bear.

340
00:15:43,437 --> 00:15:44,772
Honey-bear?

341
00:15:44,940 --> 00:15:46,634
W... Hello? Boo-boo?

342
00:15:46,659 --> 00:15:48,083
You got some bad reception

343
00:15:48,107 --> 00:15:49,245
there, honey-bear.

344
00:15:49,270 --> 00:15:50,280
Can you take your little

345
00:15:50,305 --> 00:15:52,428
koala feet and just scurry
up a little twee

346
00:15:52,453 --> 00:15:53,833
so you can talk to me better?

347
00:16:05,254 --> 00:16:06,991
Hey, Jessica.

348
00:16:08,044 --> 00:16:10,311
I was wondering,
i-if you ever want to go out

349
00:16:10,336 --> 00:16:12,038
for coffee sometime or...

350
00:16:15,014 --> 00:16:16,951
Hey, I thought you
drank cold brew.

351
00:16:17,289 --> 00:16:19,913
Yeah, I stopped
drinking cold brew.

352
00:16:19,938 --> 00:16:21,180
Got tired of it.

353
00:16:21,205 --> 00:16:22,589
I'm the type of person
who could eat pizza

354
00:16:22,614 --> 00:16:24,910
every single day
and then wake up one morning

355
00:16:24,935 --> 00:16:26,616
and hate pizza.
But that's why I...

356
00:16:26,641 --> 00:16:28,545
I'm sorry, I have to
stop you right there.

357
00:16:29,005 --> 00:16:31,131
That's not the type
of person I am.

358
00:16:31,156 --> 00:16:33,420
I love... pizza.

359
00:16:33,935 --> 00:16:35,728
And I will always love pizza.

360
00:16:35,831 --> 00:16:37,969
It was just an example.
I do love pizza.

361
00:16:38,073 --> 00:16:40,506
But... you were gonna
ask me something?

362
00:16:42,691 --> 00:16:44,069
Not anymore.

363
00:16:56,614 --> 00:16:58,162
You lose, Jake.

364
00:16:58,252 --> 00:16:59,788
I don't love Jessica,

365
00:16:59,813 --> 00:17:03,202
which proves that
I do looooovvve...

366
00:17:04,541 --> 00:17:05,873
Laura.

367
00:17:06,941 --> 00:17:09,623
Matt, I'm sorry
I made fun of your crush.

368
00:17:09,866 --> 00:17:12,481
The truth is, I have
a crush of my own.

369
00:17:12,506 --> 00:17:14,707
You do?
Who is it?

370
00:17:17,026 --> 00:17:18,026
Jessica?!

371
00:17:18,051 --> 00:17:19,292
She's the one who's there.

372
00:17:19,484 --> 00:17:21,496
I also had a crush on Laura.

373
00:17:21,521 --> 00:17:22,668
Wow.

374
00:17:39,421 --> 00:17:43,713
John, I owe you an apology.

375
00:17:44,142 --> 00:17:46,909
The other day,
we didn't adequately celebrate

376
00:17:46,934 --> 00:17:48,175
your newfound love.

377
00:17:48,625 --> 00:17:51,667
But I have a little
surprise for everyone.

378
00:17:53,655 --> 00:17:55,345
I'd like to make a toast.

379
00:17:57,762 --> 00:18:00,772
Now...
occasions like this,

380
00:18:00,797 --> 00:18:04,112
they remind me of
a little joke I like to tell.

381
00:18:04,137 --> 00:18:05,792
Now stop me if
you've heard this one.

382
00:18:07,184 --> 00:18:09,529
There was once a man,

383
00:18:09,969 --> 00:18:14,518
and he met a woman,
and they fell in love.

384
00:18:15,004 --> 00:18:18,917
So, they got married,
and then they bought a house,

385
00:18:18,942 --> 00:18:21,459
and they had three children.

386
00:18:21,548 --> 00:18:25,455
And as marriages go, they had
their ups and their downs.

387
00:18:25,728 --> 00:18:28,117
Whenever the guys at work
would ask him why he

388
00:18:28,142 --> 00:18:30,815
and his wife fought so much,
he'd respond,

389
00:18:30,840 --> 00:18:32,846
"Well, I don't know.

390
00:18:32,871 --> 00:18:34,382
She never tells me."

391
00:18:37,042 --> 00:18:40,249
Turns out, what they were
fighting about was the man's

392
00:18:40,274 --> 00:18:43,073
rampant infidelity.

393
00:18:45,447 --> 00:18:48,034
So, he abandoned that family,

394
00:18:48,495 --> 00:18:50,776
and then he got a new wife.

395
00:18:51,069 --> 00:18:52,542
And then, they bought a house

396
00:18:52,567 --> 00:18:54,010
and had three children
of their own.

397
00:18:54,035 --> 00:18:58,120
And as marriages go, they had
their ups and their downs.

398
00:18:58,311 --> 00:19:01,971
Well, one day after
a particularly long day at work,

399
00:19:01,996 --> 00:19:04,003
his wife came to him
and she asked him, she said,

400
00:19:04,028 --> 00:19:07,573
"Honey, why is it that you
always have to work so late?"

401
00:19:07,817 --> 00:19:11,886
To which he replied,
"Because I'm busy..."

402
00:19:13,900 --> 00:19:16,495
"having sex with my secretary...

403
00:19:17,748 --> 00:19:19,706
and your brothers."

404
00:19:22,073 --> 00:19:24,729
So, he abandoned that family,

405
00:19:25,176 --> 00:19:27,924
and then he got a civil union
with one of her brothers.

406
00:19:28,142 --> 00:19:31,620
And then they bought a house,
and then, well,

407
00:19:31,645 --> 00:19:33,531
eventually he abandoned
that family,

408
00:19:33,556 --> 00:19:35,969
and then he got a new wife
and then they bought a house

409
00:19:35,994 --> 00:19:37,600
and had three children
of their own,

410
00:19:37,625 --> 00:19:39,048
and, so one and so on.

411
00:19:39,073 --> 00:19:41,706
And for years, he continued
this vicious cycle

412
00:19:41,906 --> 00:19:44,854
of marriage, children,
infidelity,

413
00:19:44,931 --> 00:19:47,283
and real estate acquisition.

414
00:19:47,477 --> 00:19:53,620
Until finally, one day, he was
lying on his death bed, dying.

415
00:19:54,211 --> 00:19:56,495
And his wife turned to him
and she asked him, she said,

416
00:19:56,520 --> 00:20:01,106
"Honey, can you tell me,
what have you learned

417
00:20:01,131 --> 00:20:03,510
during your life here on Earth?"

418
00:20:03,831 --> 00:20:06,128
To which he replied...

419
00:20:07,577 --> 00:20:12,237
"I've learned that love
isn't real,

420
00:20:13,302 --> 00:20:16,186
but I love

421
00:20:16,211 --> 00:20:20,385
having sex with your
sisters and brothers."

422
00:20:21,159 --> 00:20:22,745
And then he died,

423
00:20:24,079 --> 00:20:29,995
and his body
evacuated its waste.

424
00:20:42,534 --> 00:20:44,228
What, you've never
heard that one?

425
00:20:53,022 --> 00:20:54,558
Well, anyway,

426
00:20:55,901 --> 00:20:57,057
to John...

427
00:20:57,082 --> 00:20:59,557
And his fucking wife!

428
00:21:09,963 --> 00:21:13,745
I'm a full man. I got a spouse
and an old ball and chain.

429
00:21:13,770 --> 00:21:14,667
We were actually
fighting last night...

430
00:21:14,692 --> 00:21:15,565
Who's the ball,
and who's the chain?

431
00:21:15,590 --> 00:21:16,924
And we're like,
"I think we're both both,

432
00:21:16,949 --> 00:21:19,206
and I think maybe
that's why it works so well."

433
00:21:19,231 --> 00:21:21,065
We're not thinking about kids,
but we're not not.

434
00:21:21,090 --> 00:21:22,632
We might start with
a salamander or something.

435
00:21:22,657 --> 00:21:24,492
She loves my birds already,
so it's like...

436
00:21:24,517 --> 00:21:27,023
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