It looks so... sad and lonely.
The penchant for biological life-forms
to anthropomorphize inanimate objects is irrational.
I am quite certain the planet is unaware of its solitary status.
How many planets were in this system originally?
11 total.
Man, ten planets gobbled up by a hungry star.
Remind me not to be on Earth when that happens to us.
Earth's sun will not become a red supergiant
for another five billion years, Commander.
You will be long deceased and forgotten.
There's gonna be some ladies still talking about me.
Seems kind of sadistic that all we're here to do
is watch a helpless planet get vaporized.
A stellar incineration is one of the rarest sights in the galaxy.
We are fortunate to observe one at close range.
Well, we got three days until that little guy gets fried,
so you all have time to say your goodbyes.
Captain, the planet's atmosphere
is beginning to evaporate.
Magnify.
Would you look at that.
When the oceans start going with it,
we're going to get even more of a show.
Captain, my shift ends in 15 minutes.
Request permission to leave early.
Yeah, it's fine, but you don't want to see this?
It is very... interesting, but I am not feeling well.
All good. We'll see you tomorrow.
You know, that's the third time this week he's done that.
Maybe he's pregnant again.
Ugh. God, no.
Yes?
Bortus, it is Klyden.
When will you be home?
I am sorry, Klyden, I must work late again.
You have worked late every night this week.
It is too much. Come home. I have made pudding.
My duties to the ship must be performed.
We will have pudding later.
Begin Simulation Bortus 486.
Initiate scenario.
I've been awaiting you, Bortus.
Bortus. What time is it?
It is late. Go back to sleep.
It is very late.
Why must the captain give you so much work?
It is not right.
If the captain wishes me to work such hours,
I must comply.
You are third in command aboard this vessel.
Surely, you can speak to him about this.
I do not wish to have this argument right now.
Neither do I.
I wish to make love.
I'm very tired from my work. I wish to rest immediately.
Topa has gone to sleep. He will not awaken.
I am not in the mood, Klyden.
You are never in the mood!
Your job is ruining the sexual event.
We will share the sexual event another night.
Now, lower your voice or you will wake Topa.
Papa, can I be all done now?
No, Topa. Finish your plokta.
Remember, if you do not eat, you will die.
Bortus, we must talk.
Will it take long? I am due on the bridge very soon.
What I have to say is very simple.
I would like you to make more time for me.
I am your mate, and I do not wish to compete
with your work duties.
I will look into it.
Let us discuss this later.
No! We will discuss it right now.
Please lower the volume of your voice.
Stop telling me to lower my voice!
I grow weary of your evasion.
Your absence in our lives must be addressed.
I am told the union of Captain Mercer and Commander Grayson
was dissolved over similar failings.
He worked far too many hours, as you do.
We must learn from their errors.
I will do my best.
Now, I must report for duty.
I wish to share the evening meal tonight.
And to talk.
Very well. We will eat.
I will see you this evening.
An entire ocean,
boiled away like a pot of water on a stove.
Captain, internal scans of the planet
show that there may be deposits of dysonium ore
beneath the surface.
May be or are?
The scans are slow to process,
due to the planet's proximity to the photosphere.
However, I would estimate the probability is 87%.
- Free gas. - John, is there
any way we could collect it after the planet breaks up?
We might be able to use a wide-range tractor beam.
We could modify it to weed out
all the fragments containing dysonium.
Haul them in, fill up the shuttle bay.
That much dysonium could power this ship for a year.
All right, start modifying the tractor beam.
Isaac, go to engineering and assist him.
- Aye, sir. - Captain.
Request permission to be relieved early.
Are you not feeling well again?
No, I am fine.
I promised Klyden we would spend the evening together.
You know, Bortus, you've left early four times this week.
I know. It will not happen again.
And I will put in an extra shift this weekend.
All right. Tell Klyden I said hi.
I will deliver the message.
You think something's up with him?
I don't know.
Begin Simulation Bortus 497.
Your supper, prisoner.
Please, sir, may I have some water?
Very well.
I beg you to release me from this dungeon.
I have done nothing wrong.
What is your name, prisoner?
Cheston. My name is Cheston.
How badly do you want to get out of this prison, Cheston?
Very badly.
I am to be executed in the morning.
Perhaps we can make an arrangement.
No, I cannot. I am a virgin in that way.
Then you shall die in the morning, Cheston!
Wait.
If there is no other way,
then I suppose I must do what you ask of me.
And more.
Klyden,
I am sorry to be late.
There was an unidentified power surge
in the bridge tactical console, and I had no choice...
I do not care about your excuses.
I have been waiting for you for hours.
This was supposed to be my night with you.
It could not be helped.
We will talk about this tomorrow.
The captain requires my presence on the bridge at 0800.
I must go to bed.
You have ruined our night together.
Let us at least share the sexual event
so that we may salvage what little is left of the evening.
I am sorry, I am too tired.
20 milligrams of benoctaline.
Increase metabolic support to level eight.
Come on, Bortus.
Sonic defibrillation at maximum.
- Doctor, he's... - Do it.
Clear.
Again.
Here he is.
Is he gonna be okay?
I think so. Lost him there for a couple of seconds,
but he's stabilized.
I am alive.
Yeah, you are, thanks to Dr. Finn.
You saved my life.
That's my job.
You should not have done that.
Excuse me?
Bortus, I don't know if you're aware,
but Klyden just tried to murder you.
He's in the brig now, but if Alara hadn't heard you scream...
Klyden is in the brig?
He should not be there. He has done nothing wrong.
What do you call plunging a dagger into your chest?
Klyden was divorcing me.
Divorcing you?
When a Moclan wishes to end a marriage,
he terminates the life of his mate.
- You're kidding. - I did not realize
he was this unhappy.
Wait a minute. You're saying
any time somebody on your planet wants a divorce,
they just murder their spouse?
That is correct.
You should not have revived me.
Commander, I am not in the habit of letting my patients
bleed to death on the operating table.
Doctor, it is our way.
It may be your way on Moclus,
but ritual murder isn't gonna fly on a Union ship.
Captain, you must release Klyden.
Out of the question.
Please.
I don't envy you with this predicament, Captain Mercer,
but the Admiralty will approve
your recommended handling of the situation.
All right, thank you, Admiral.
Mercer out.
Why the hell is dealing with Moclan culture
always this difficult?
They mutilate their female babies.
They kill each other when they want a divorce.
What do they do when it's someone's birthday?
Light the parents on fire?
I know we're supposed to be tolerant of alien customs,
but man, there's got to be a limit.
- Day drink? - Day drink.
Two Xelayan Blossom Whiskeys.
Bridge to captain.
Go ahead.
I have been monitoring the decay of the planet,
and my scans have revealed something rather significant.
What is it?
The dysonium we detected beneath the surface
may, in fact, not be natural. There are indications
that a subterranean civilization may once have existed.
I would say that's absolutely significant.
And one hell of an archaeological find.
Is there any way we can investigate?
If you are inquiring about the possibility
of sending down a landing party,
that is a poorly conceived notion.
It would be exceedingly hazardous
due to the planet's proximity to the star
and its imminent breakup.
Damn, what a huge loss.
Who knows what kinds of artifacts could be down there?
All right, well, continue scanning,
and keep me apprised.
I'll try not to bother you
with any more poorly conceived notions.
Thank you, sir. I am very busy.
What a dick.
He's a glorified Speak & Spell. Screw him.
Come in.
Bortus.
What are you doing out of sickbay?
He insisted on coming, Commander.
You can expect a formal protest from Dr. Finn.
All right, both of you have a seat.
Thanks, Alara.
Sir, if you don't mind, I'd like to stick around,
just in case there's another divorce.
Fair enough. All right.
Because of the cultural element in play here,
and because Bortus apparently does not want to press charges,
Klyden will not be prosecuted.
However, people can't just go around
stabbing each other on a Union ship.
So, Klyden, due to your reckless actions in the assault
of a Union officer, you are ordered to disembark
from the Orville at the next Union outpost.
Captain, please, I beg you not to do this.
I must add my voice to his plea, Captain.
Bortus, he tried to kill you.
As I have said, he was following Moclan custom.
- He is still my mate. - We will make our relationship work.
We will not fail as you did.
- Klyden! - I-I apologize.
Please, Captain, give me a second chance.
I swear on the soul of my child,
I will never commit a violent act on this ship again.
Bortus, you're really okay with this?
Yes, Captain. Klyden and I stand united.
This is... this is insane.
This... I-I can't have a normal ship, with normal people?
It's like, it's got to be all stabby and-and...
All right, you know what? Fine. You can stay.
Thank you, Captain.
But there are two conditions.
One: Bortus, you are relieved of duty until I'm satisfied
this has all been worked out.
And you will both attend daily couples counseling
with Dr. Finn.
What is couples counseling?
Do either of you understand why you're here?
Because the captain has ordered it.
Technically, yes.
But do you know why the captain has ordered you
to attend couples counseling?
So I do not stab Bortus again.
That is one of our goals, yes.
Klyden has already told the captain
he will not commit another violent act.
What more is there to do?
Why don't I explain what
couples counseling is first,
and that might answer your question.
Couples counseling helps married people,
such as yourselves,
discuss and resolve conflicts with the goal of improving
your long-term relationship.
I'm here to guide that process.
Will we select our own weapons?
No. That's not how it works.
Let me see. How can I reframe this?
It's like a peace conference.
You and Klyden are the warring factions
during a cease-fire, and I'm the diplomat.
I believe I understand.
- As do I. - Good.
So let's start the peace process, shall we?
Klyden, tell me why you tried to kill Bortus.
Because I wished to divorce him.
Dig deeper than that.
How do you feel about Bortus?
I feel Bortus does not wish to be with me.
That he does not find me attractive anymore.
Bortus, how would you like to respond
to what Klyden is saying?
I still find Klyden attractive,
but I have been working long hours lately,
and I am tired when I return to our quarters.
Okay, that's reasonable.
Klyden, do you understand and accept Bortus's explanation?
I suppose I do.
- Yes. - Good.
Now we're gonna try a little exercise
I call "I statements."
Bortus, face Klyden and look him in the eyes,
and tell him that you are still attracted to him.
And use "I" and your names as much as possible.
Klyden.
I, Bortus, am still attracted to you, Klyden.
Good. Now, Klyden, I want you to look Bortus in the eyes
and accept what he has told you.
Bortus. I, Klyden, accept that you,
Bortus, are still attracted to me, Klyden.
Great. Now, when we're done today,
I have two homework assignments for you.
First, make a fun list.
Write down ten fun things you both like doing,
and try to check off one thing every week.
This fun list excites me.
We will make one.
Second, Bortus,
I need you to set aside one hour a day
that's just for Klyden.
Does that sound reasonable?
Yes. One hour per day.
Okay. I think we're making some progress.
The couples counseling was quite productive.
Shall we make our fun list over dinner tonight?
Yes.
I must brief the captain on a number of maintenance items
that require attention while I am off duty.
I will meet you in our quarters at 1800 hours.
I shall see you there.
Begin Simulation Bortus 931.
Hello, Bortus.
I am Dr. Gulnar.
How can I help you today?
I have a pain in my ear, and I do not know what is causing it.
Hmm. I see.
Why don't you take off your gown and we will have a look.
Could you please turn around and lean on the table?
I will begin the examination.
I think I may have found the problem.
Is the pain subsiding?
End simulation.
Lieutenant. May I speak with you?
_
I am told your people are known for creating
some of the most sought-after
pornographic simulations in the galaxy.
_
Lower your voice.
_
Could you obtain a simulation for me?
_
I require something out of the ordinary.
_
No. Something simpler.
I just do not want to be bored.
_
Moclans. Many of them.
All at once, ready to be adventurous.
_
- What? - _
Are you sure there's no mistake about this?
I have reanalyzed the scanner logs multiple times.
The subterranean civilization is still active.
How the hell can anything be alive down there?
Alara, is there any way we can hail them?
There's a lot of interference from the star, but I can try.
I have a link. It's audio only, old-style shortwave,
but the channel's open.
To anyone below the surface who can hear the sound of my voice,
this is Captain Ed Mercer of the starship Orville.
Please respond.
Did you say a starship?
Yes. We're in orbit around your planet.
Who am I speaking to?
This is Hallan Theece,
First Minister of the Nyxian people.
But where have you come from?
Many different places, actually.
I'm from a planet called Earth.
Another planet.
How is that even possible?
Our scientists always speculated about such things, but...
Minister Theeze, are you aware of what's happening to...
- I think she said Theece. - Huh?
I think she said Theece, with a short "S" sound.
- What did I say? - Theeze.
- What's the difference? - Theece, like peace.
Like "Theece's Pieces."
Hey, you know what, guys, this woman's planet is about to die.
Maybe we focus on that, huh?
Minister, are you aware of what's happening to your world?
Yes. A century ago,
we discovered that our sun was going to engulf Nyxia
within 100 years.
We have no method of space travel,
so we sought refuge underground.
This is Commander Kelly Grayson.
Minister, how many of you are there?
75 is all that is left of our civilization.
We are... awaiting the inevitable.
We want to help you if we can.
Our scans indicate that your planet
won't begin to disintegrate for another 24 hours.
So soon.
That's... that's not much time.
We're working on it. We'll contact you
when we have more information. Mercer out.
What are our options?
Well, we need a Union evac vessel.
Something that can go down there and pick them up.
There's no time. We're too far out.
How about a shuttle?
A shuttle is too small to withstand
the gravitational stress of the star at such close range.
What if we fortified the crap out of the deflectors?
Divert all power but life support?
We could move the Orville into a closer orbit,
minimize the shuttle's flight time.
It is possible.
75 people, we'd have to make
two or three trips to get them all out.
All right, let's make it happen.
_
- Hi, Commander. - Hi!
Your people work fast. Thank you.
_
No.
How soon before the shuttle's ready?
- About nine hours. - Okay, well,
make sure you do the job right, because you know
who the captain's going to ask to pilot the thing.
Two slices of pepperoni pizza.
Oh, God! What is that?
Sure as hell isn't pizza.
Ugh... Lamar to engineering.
Send a technician to the mess hall.
And something to scoop up with.
I hope you are pleased, Bortus.
It is our wish to bring you pleasure.
I am very pleased.
I do not want this to end.
Then do not end it.
- Bortus! - Klyden!
Klyden, wait! Wait!
Bortus, do you understand what a porn addiction is?
I believe so.
You disgust me, Bortus.
If I had not promised the captain otherwise,
I would stab you again right now.
Klyden, I understand that you're upset,
and you have every right to be.
But porn addiction is a disease, just like any other.
So we need to treat his condition
with compassion and understanding.
Is there an injection I can receive to cure this disease?
- You have had enough injections. - Klyden, please.
That's not going to help resolve this.
Bortus, do you remember when your compulsion
to visit the simulator began?
Klyden, do you recall when Bortus began
losing interest in sex?
It was not long after Topa underwent the procedure
to become a male.
He is correct.
It was around that time I first began using the simulator
for the sexual event.
I see.
How much have you two discussed what happened on Moclus?
We discussed it many times since the tribunal.
We agreed to move on.
To focus on the future.
Bortus,
do you feel that you have truly moved on?
Perhaps I have not.
I often look at Topa, and I wonder
if I should have fought harder to keep him female.
But there was nothing more I could have done.
No one could have stopped what happened to her
except Klyden, and he did not.
I resent you, Klyden.
I resent what you put our child through.
And I do not know if I can ever move on.
Mercer to engineering.
What's the status of the shuttle upgrade?
It's moving along, Captain.
Should be done in about ten hours, give or take.
Chief, that planet will be gone in ten hours.
- Make it five. - Sir, that's impossible.
Make it possible. Mercer out.
You know what I just found out last week?
The captain and I have the same birthday.
Alara, patch me through to Minister Theece.
Audio channel open.
Minister, this is Captain Mercer.
- Can you hear me? - Yes, Captain, I'm here.
I just thought I'd check in
and see how things are underground.
- Any changes? - Yes.
There's been a rise in the number of quakes,
and small fissions have caused power disruptions. And I...
Minister? Can you hear me?
- Alara, what's happening? - Checking, sir.
There's no additional interference from the planet.
- It's something on our end. - Cause?
Some kind of weird glitch.
It won't reinitialize.
Sounds like the food synthesizer.
Thing was glitching all over the place today.
Made us a poop pizza.
Isaac, run a computer diagnostic,
see if there's any connection.
Scans have confirmed the presence
of a computer virus, Captain.
From where?
It appears its origin is
Environmental Simulator 3.
An unauthorized foreign program has been uploaded.
By who?
Authorization 5-2-8-9-1.
Commander Bortus, sir.
I'm going to see if I can access the program.
Welcome to the Cove of Pleasure.
Our only wish is to bring you ecstasy.
Wow.
Okay, now, I know this is awkward for all of us,
but at the moment, we need to focus on this virus.
I am ashamed beyond measure, Captain.
Bortus, that is a whole other conversation that comes later,
and it's not going to be pleasant for either of us.
It's okay, dude. Everybody does it sometimes.
I went to town on myself this morning.
It's why I look so relaxed right now.
God, this whole ship is gross.
Look, I need solutions, all right?
I want to know how we stop this virus.
Lieutenant Unk has provided the origin data for the simulation.
I have written a program that should eradicate the virus
before it affects any more of the ship's systems.
Good. Get it installed as quickly as possible.
Chief, is the shuttle ready?
The power's been rerouted, and we've maximized the deflectors.
- What's wrong? - There's a problem.
The upgraded deflectors will block out most of the radiation,
but not all of it.
And anyone in the landing party will be fully exposed
when they move from the shuttle to the subterranean access port.
How bad?
Like, "Ouch, I got a sunburn bad,"
or "I just opened the Ark of the Covenant" bad?
The Ark. Like, melty-faced awfulness.
So, what do we do? How do we save those people?
There are only two officers on board who may be able
to withstand the radiation:
Isaac... and Bortus.
Well, Commander, looks like you're back on duty.
Commander, I am curious about something.
- What? - Your addiction
to pornographic stimuli.
My understanding of the sexual proclivities
of biological organisms is quite fractional.
I do not wish to discuss it.
Is the topic of pornography an unpleasant one
due to the severe humiliation your character has suffered
and the seemingly irreversible and very public damage
it has done to your relationship with your life-mate Klyden?
I have been shamed enough.
I will not answer your questions.
You need not blame yourself.
You are a primitive organism.
I simply wish to expand
my understanding of the behavioral impulse.
You think you are smarter than us?
- Figure it out on your own. - I am aware
that billions of years of evolution
have programmed your chemical mechanisms
with a desire to breed fruitfully.
I am curious to know how it feels.
It is... a call...
from deep within.
Like a baby seeking its mother's teat.
It feels as if nothing else in the world matters but...
satisfying the urge and achieving the goal
my body has demanded of me.
Then, as quickly as it began, it is complete,
leaving a worn-out shell in its wake.
And the only feeling I am left with,
the only thing I know, is that...
a death has occurred.
I see.
It is prudent that you are in therapy.
Prepare for landing.
There is the access port.
Disengaging engines.
Welcome to Nyxia.
I'm Minister Theece.
Lamarr to bridge.
Go ahead, Chief.
Commander, we got a problem.
The virus has knocked out
computer interfaces to main engineering.
I thought Isaac took care of it.
His program isn't working. The virus is still spreading.
I'm gonna try and isolate
the source matrix down in Simulator 3.
Captain, we have another problem.
Oh, neat. What is it?
Scans are showing accelerated instability
in the planet's core.
Sir, it's breaking up.
We must get your people off the planet.
I assume you have radiation suits.
We do, yes. Enough for all of us.
Good. Our shuttle will hold 30 of you,
so we will need to begin loading the first group immediately.
Commander, I have just spoken to the captain.
The planet's breakup is accelerating
faster than expected.
We will only have time for one trip.
But there's 75 of us.
I am sorry, Minister.
You will have to select 30 of your people.
We will not be able to save the others.
Are you gonna save us from the shakes?
See if you can goose the memory circuits
and analyze the algorithms of the virus.
Okay, give me a minute.
I wish to bring you erotic pleasure.
Oh, my God. You got to be kidding me.
Let us experience the sexual event.
I swear to God, I'm never looking at porn again.
Hi. I'm Dann.
Surely, there is a more civilized means
of selecting those who will be evacuated.
I do not know, but it is their way.
A random drawing of names is quite inefficient.
It would be wiser to select the members of the society
who possess the highest degree of intelligence.
I may be a primitive organism,
but I am happy I am not like you.
The lottery is finished.
These 30 will go with you to your ship.
Very well. We must leave now.
You could have included yourself.
You're the First Minister.
You know that would be wrong.
Please understand, my love.
Make a life out there with Nathius.
A beautiful life among the stars.
All the days we'll never have.
Your heart is full of the days we did.
That's what you take with you.
Now go.
It is imperative that we depart.
We are clear.
Setting course for docking.
Shuttle bay reports docking complete.
All right.
Gordon, move us out to a wide orbit.
Aye, sir.
Captain, helm is not responding.
- What? - I've lost attitude control.
The star's gravity well is pulling us in.
Bridge to Isaac.
Your antiviral program didn't do jack.
- We've lost helm control. - I am on my way
to assist Chief Lamarr in the simulator.
- Gordon, how much time? - I'd say six minutes
and we're a baked potato.
Hull temperature is 2,500 degrees and rising.
The viral matrix keeps resetting.
I can't stay ahead of it. I need Isaac.
Let me quench your thirst for passion.
I'm not thirsty.
Chief, may I assist you?
Yes, thank you. Just in time. Get in there.
Deflectors are gone.
Starboard hull integrity compromised.
My God, we're burning up.
All sections reporting structural damage.
Isaac, talk to me.
I have initiated a counter-virus.
It will take a moment to determine its effectiveness.
15 seconds, Captain.
The virus has been eradicated.
- Helm control restored! - Get us out of here now.
Your head is very smooth and very sensuous.
I never cease to be impressed
by the resilience of the Moclan body.
Your radiation absorption is minimal.
Two or three treatments, and you're clean.
Captain. Commander.
Bortus. You look good for a guy who's been cooked.
Thank you, sir. I feel quite well.
I'm glad you're well, because I have something to say to you.
I have never witnessed an officer behave
with such carelessness, selfishness
and downright stupidity as you have.
As a direct result of your thoughtless actions,
you almost destroyed this entire ship
and all 300 members of her crew.
I agree, sir.
I wish to tender my resignation, effective immediately.
Rejected.
Sir?
Your performance today
exhibited tremendous courage and valor
in the finest Union tradition.
You saved 30 lives by risking your own.
Porn virus aside, I am very grateful
to have you on board.
Thank you, sir.
Get some rest.
You're back on full-time duty in the morning.
Dr. Finn tells me
you've experienced no effects from the planet's surface.
That is not entirely true.
I do not understand. Are you not well?
I am fine.
No.
I am not... fine.
I have been a bad mate.
I have been disrespectful.
Instead of speaking my mind aloud,
I have retreated into a fantasy world.
Dr. Finn says, if you talk about it, you get rid of it.
Klyden.
I do not know that I will ever be fully at peace
with what happened to Topa.
But today, I witnessed events that...
I am very fortunate to have you and Topa in my life.
And I do not wish to lose you again.
I do not wish to lose you, either.
I would like our family to be together tonight.
As would I.
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