Previously on No Activity...
It looks like my laptop was hacked.
And the hacker activated the camera.
You were jilling off.
- Yeah, don't call it jilling off. - That's what it is.
I mean, this is jacking off, this is jilling off.
Half your softball team has gone down for corruption now.
Throw me a block. Are you gonna ride with me?
Or are you gonna try your luck on your own?
Another wise investment by Tolbeck.
Man, you have been burning through the money lately.
Janice, he sent the video.
Everyone in the office has the video.
My name is Marco, I'm the new trainer.
My name is Frank. I don't get harassed.
And I don't get fucking disrespected.
- If you don't mind... - What the fuck?
- Okay. - You can't take my picture.
I-I promise I'll erase it.
Frankie, I'm sorry to say,
you've made the board. You're one of the bad guys.
That is great coffee.
Thank you so much.
My God, it's my pleasure.
Thank you guys... Thank you guys for having me.
This is, this is amazing.
You guys just like, you have such,
like, amazing energy.
And I'm just, I just feel immersed in it.
And this is just, it's really great for me to feed off of you guys.
- You're super legit. Thank you. Cheers. - Yeah.
- Hey, there we go. - Thank you. - Yeah.
- Well, we're big fans of your work, too, right? - Absolutely.
- Really? - Yeah. - It's a real honor
to have you here with us.
So this is super weird.
Maybe it's like a stereotype and I'm just, like, feeding into it,
but can-can we get doughnuts?
- 'Cause we're cops. - Well, yeah, 'cause, you know, coffee and doughnuts.
- Right. Right, right, right. - And you're, like,
doing stakeouts, and you, like, sit in the car and-and...
I don't know if there's anywhere near here.
There's one literally right there, right on the corner.
It's just not the safest part of town, is all.
You're so sweet for worrying about me.
Well...
My goodness.
Well, she's nice. She's really nice.
What has she been in?
I don't know. I-I thought you knew.
No. I just didn't want to seem rude.
Hey, is it me...
or was there kind of a vibe going on there?
- Between me and her? - No, between me and her.
- Between you and her? - Yeah, I thought she
was maybe flirting with me a little bit.
Are you kidding me?
No.
She's, like, a major celebrity.
You're a low-level detective.
Okay. I-I'm being ridiculous.
No, I'm kidding, there was a total vibe.
- Yeah? - Yeah. Dude,
- when she touched your shoulder... - Yeah.
- I got a chill. - My God.
Okay. You think she'd like a guy like me?
Yes. Are you...?
- You got to stop undervaluing yourself. - Yeah.
Dude, you're a total smoke show.
- Don't say smoke show. - Go for it.
Okay. Okay. I will.
- All right. - Okay.
All right. Okay, I'm gonna,
- I'm gonna give you guys some space, okay? - Yeah?
- Let's come up with a code. - Okay, okay.
All right...
- I got it. - Yeah.
I'm gonna say,
"Well, I think it's time for me to step out and have my cigar."
And then you'll say,
"Are you crazy? Those things will kill you."
Okay. Why am I saying that?
Because it just shows you have some compassion
- for other people. - Okay, okay.
You care about my health, my well-being.
Why a cigar, though? That seems a little silly.
I mean, why don't you just step out and make a call?
No, I'm gonna have my cigar, okay?
So it's not code at all? Y-You're gonna be smoking it.
When did you start smoking a cigar?
It's been a few weeks.
I just wanted to see what it looks like.
You know, see how I look with a cigar.
Man, this is gonna be a great night for you.
It's gonna be a fun, sexy night.
I'm so excited for my man.
Come on.
Fun, sexy night.
Yeah.
You say it. Fun, sexy night.
It's gonna be a fun, sexy night.
Come on. Say it like you mean it.
Fun, sexy night.
I got to lay off these things.
www.subtitulamos.tv
Fatima.
- Hi. - Hi.
Hi, I'm Hazel from HR.
Yeah, that's right.
I've heard so much.
That's Janice's chair.
No, she's working in my office today,
just while we have this session.
- Are we doing this right here? - Yeah.
It'll just be, like, a couple of questions
and then you'll sign a form, and I'll be gone.
- It's really easy, okay. - Okay.
So do you know why you're talking
to an HR representative today?
Yeah, the video hacking.
It was a video..
Did-did you not see it?
No, no. That would be receipt of pornography.
- It's not... - Please describe for me
in your own words the offensive or inappropriate act?
Well, I don't really...
Fatima, don't be nervous.
Whatever you have to say, I've heard it, like, a million times.
Honestly, it is my job,
so just give it to me.
No judgment.
Just for the paperwork.
And it's safe. You're in a safe space.
Well, girl, I was masturbating.
Gross.
Did you just say "gross"?
Eh, I did, but that's just... It's a reflex.
I just, I think it's gross, but it's not, it's normal.
- It's normal. - Yeah.
Normal hormal.
You're so normal.
Which hand did you use when you masturbated?
Is that a question?
I ask the questions, not you.
And it's not, I just know that I shook your hand when I came in,
and I feel really weird.
Can you pass me that?
- Real quick. - Thank you.
God, it's not contagious.
Just, thank you. It's okay. It's...
I just, I'd feel better if I just did this.
It's cool, like...
Okay.
How long have you been in HR?
Gosh. Two days.
But I was sick yesterday.
SDPD's still on stakeout in the area.
Should we let them know we have an FBI operative inside?
Negative. The less they know, the better.
They wouldn't know their asses if it han...
Shit.
Is everything all right?
No. I just...
I think I might have lost the bird.
- No, are you sure? - Yeah.
- Yeah, I'm gonna have to get back to you. - Okay.
- Okay. - All right, talk later.
What's happening?
Where is Seņor Feathers?
Yeah. No, he's, like...
He's in here somewhere.
I let him out to stretch his legs.
Okay, so where the fuck is he?
You know, you got to let him explore the environment,
you know, get to know the ring,
get to know the smells and the sounds
and the tastes of the room. It's important for him,
psychologically speaking, as a champion.
Did you lose the fucking bird?
No.
Did I lose the bird?
C-Classic. No. No, no, no.
The bird is for sure here.
Just give me a second.
He's just probably playing hide-and-seek.
Seņor? Hola, Seņor.
SF?
Are you whistling for the bird?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's the way to get him.
Come on, Seņor SF.
Here we go.
Hey, Marco, can I ask you something else?
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Okay.
- Fire away. Yeah. - Great.
How long you been training roosters?
I don't know. Since I was a kid.
- Wow, since you were a kid. Okay. - Yeah.
And how many rounds
did Seņor Feathers go in his last fight?
- In his last fight? - Yeah, if you had to guess.
It wasn't many. He won very quick.
I'm gonna say, like, three rounds.
- Wow. - Yeah.
Wrong fucking answer!
There are no fucking rounds.
This is a fight to the death!
Fuck.
Okay, fine. I'm sorry. This is my first fight.
- Are you fucking kidding me? - I'm sorry. I'm sorry, okay?
Fucking shit. Do you understand
what's at stake here, you little bitch?
Do you have any idea what the cartel would do
if they found out how fucking inept you are at your job?
I'll tell you what they'd do.
Bang. Bang.
Bang.
Okay, so...
- That's a fucking gunshot. - Yeah, I get it.
- You're dead. - No, I'm... Yes, I'm dead. You know what?
- By way of gunshot. - I'm dead...
You bled out from the head and from the dick.
And joke's on them, okay?
I'm gonna die at the head shot.
I'm not gonna feel either of the two dick shots.
I'm gonna go outside and I'm gonna find this bird.
If I don't find it, I'm gonna come back
and we're gonna think of a solution to fix this problem.
If you don't find the fucking bird,
don't bother coming back.
Okay. You know, honestly, your leadership skills are lacking.
You're not incentivizing me to fix this problem.
Fuck you. Pussy.
Wow.
Seņor Feathers. Hola, Seņor.
Maybe she's a singer.
Why would a singer be doing a police ride-along?
If she was doing a album of cop songs,
like The Police?
They don't sing about cops, they're just...
Here she comes, we should...
D-D-D-Doughnuts.
Okay.
- I got all the things. - Here we go.
Look at... this.
- Wow. - My goodness.
Blueberry, old-fashioned.
And you... What is your specialty?
I actually won't. I'm-I'm trying
- to dodge the old gluten. - Come on.
- No, I'm sorry. No, I really...
- One little tiny bite. - I got to stay the course. I mean...
Just, like, a tiny, tiny one, just a little...
No, I really shouldn't. I shouldn't. I...
- Really? - Really, yeah, but thank you.
I respect your restraint.
- Thank you. - Fine.
I mean, you look like you're in pretty good shape
- anyway. - Well, thank you. You know, you got to...
You got to keep it... you got to keep it tight-ish.
You know, things can get real at any moment.
- Listen to him. - You know. So...
- Look at those biceps. - I'm... It's...
Just, like, giving us raw cop vibes.
I wish my co-star was more like you.
Wait. I just got, like, the craziest idea.
Here we go.
I think you should be in the show.
- What show? - Like, you should play a cop in the show.
You should be, like, one of the main characters in my show.
In your show? In my show, yeah.
- No, I can't do that. - Yeah, 100%. The director would love you.
She's so into, like,
realness and, like, not acting like an actor.
- Well... - You're like a real cop.
- I am a real cop. - I... yeah.
- Yeah. - It's perfect.
Really?
What about that chin?
Especially because of the chin.
I mean, strong jawlines are out.
Everyone wants, like...
you know, like a chin that's just, like, soft
and-and unassuming, and that, like,
it just sort of, like, melts into the neck. Yeah.
Everyone wants that?
Yeah. That's the thing now.
You know what?
- We should take a headshot. - No. I mean, no.
Yeah, we should do, like, a quick headshot.
- Yes, we should. - That's crazy.
- Don't you think? - For him.
- Okay. What should I do? - So, like...
Okay. That, like, it's, like, you want to bone
and you, like, have a secret.
- I want abone, or I...? - You want to bone. You want to...
- I want tobone. - You want to bone me.
- And you have a secret. - Okay, okay.
- Like, that's how you look at me. - Okay.
Nailed it.
- Yeah? - Nail... Yeah, one take.
- Look at you. - I could do more. I mean...
Listen to you. You're, like, giving me options.
You are a director's dream.
This headshot is perfection.
Okay.
Except you have, like, a little...
I can-I can touch that up,
but you have, like, a little eyelash right here.
You smell great. Do you wear cologne?
- Yeah. - Yeah, it's... Keep doing that.
- Okay. - All right, make a wish.
Okay.
You're so cute. He's so cute.
- He just closed his eyes. - No, I mean...
- That was like a real wish? - Yeah.
My God.
My heart just broke in half.
I can't, with you.
No. I literally can't.
- Shouldn't have to. - I think you'd be a really good dad.
- Really? - Yeah, 'cause you kind of are giving me DILF vibes.
Agent Code Name Goldilocks, I need a rooster,
- browny-black, stat. - Where am I gonna get a rooster now?
I don't know, Helen, but you're my support,
so how about supporting me and trying
to find me a fucking rooster?
All right, fine. I'm on it.
Jesus, everything's a fucking drama with you.
Hello?
I'm so sorry. I forgot.
We have to record this session.
Really?
Two. Two. Yeah.
Two. Okay. Okay.
So, just to recap...
The camera on your laptop recorded you...
- I was masturbating. - Louder.
- I... There's a mic right... - Yeah, it's old.
It's just such an old machine.
I... I was mastur...
- I was mas... - Just a couple more times. I think we got it.
I was... masturbat... Okay.
You know what? I don't think we got it.
That... Well, keep going.
So, do you think that masturbating
for your co-workers was A: Appropriate,
B: Not appropriate,
or C: Not sure?
I wasn't masturbating for my co-workers.
That's... I was hacked.
Would you say C: Not sure, then?
No. I would... I am not answering the question.
I don't believe in the premise of the question.
Was M-bating for your colleagues on camera
A: To impress them, B: To degrade them,
C: To get promoted, D: Not sure?
Don't say "D."
Okay, I'm just gonna put "A,"
because, the guys in my office were really impressed.
A.
All right.
Did I tell you I'd find the bird, or what?
Say welcome back to Seņor Feathers.
That's not Seņor Feathers.
- What? Of course it is. - It's 100% not.
I don't know who that bird is, but it's not Seņor Feathers.
- How do you know? - How do I know?
Yeah. I run cockfights. I know a fucking fighting bird
when I see one. I'm the Jay Gatsby of cockfighting.
This bird may as well have a fucking iron spike
shoved up its ass and be on the top of a barn.
Okay. Wow.
- Wait. Did you just fucking coo at me? - Nah.
- You little bitch. - I don't think so.
- What, are you fucking trying to imprint on me? - No.
I'm not your new mom, you piece of garbage shit bird.
Where did you get this fucking bird?
- What? - It smells shampooed.
- Nah. - Is this someone's fucking pet?
- I don't think so. - You don't think so?
- I know it's not. - It smells like ocean breeze.
Maybe Seņor Feathers was just on vacation.
Where the fuck did you get this bird?
Okay, okay, fine, all right?
It's not Seņor Feathers. Busted. You got me, all right?
I got it from the zoo, okay? The San Diego Zoo. I've got a guy
who hooks me up with animals.
Listen to me, you fucking turd person.
While you were skipping around the San Diego Zoo, I got word
that Big Boy is feeling better, and the fight is back on
for tomorrow night. Meanwhile, we're sitting here
with our fucking dicks in our hands
with a bird from the fucking petting zoo.
It's the premier zoo in the western hemisphere.
Shut the fuck up. We have 24 hours
to turn this soft cock into a fighting bird,
or he is dead and we are fucking dead.
Do you understand that part... That we will cease to live?
- Okay. - Our lives will be taken from us.
Okay, you're being really negative,
and I don't want to say anything, but it might be
affecting the bird's performance in the ring.
- Suck my dick. - I am literally doing the best that I can,
and I would appreciate your support.
If this was my best, I would kill myself.
So, yes, one time we had to sleep in the same bed. We had...
- Really? - Yeah, it was...
- On a fishing trip, or...? - Yeah, it was fishing, yeah.
Yeah. Okay. Yeah.
- Wow. - Hey.
- Where'd you go?
Nothing. Just cop stuff.
He had to empty his pee bottle.
- My God. Really? - Yeah.
You-you guys pee in bottles?
For real?
- Wow. - Yeah, yeah, we have to.
You know, we stay here for such long hours,
you know, we got to... got to go, and then we...
We empty it when we get the chance. Yeah.
- Wow. That's so intense. - Yeah.
So, I don't...
I want to... I want to ask you guys something,
but I just... I think it's...
It's, like, kind of awkward.
No. Come on, we've been talking.
- Nothing is weird. What is...? - It's silly.
Can-can I hold your gun?
No. I'm sorry. It's...
It's, like, weird.
No, no, no. No, it's okay. It's okay. It's like...
It's just, the department, you know...
- It's pretty strict about that kind of thing. - Yeah.
Yeah. I mean, as they should.
- Right. - It's, like, a gun.
You know, I don't really believe in them,
and I would never own a gun
in my-in my real, actual life...
- Right... - but I'm playing a cop,
- and I have to, you know, be authentic and-and... - Yeah.
Maybe I'm-I'm just, like, being too actressy,
- and I'm just, like, you know... - No, no, no, no, no. And I would love
to help you. I mean, I'd really... I mean,
- really, but, you know, rules are rules, so... - Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Totally. Totally get it.
I get it. It's fine.
- Well, maybe just for a second... - My gosh,
- that would be awesome. - No, no. I mean...
No. I mean, we... we...
Yeah. I'll just... No. Look, how about this,
how about this, how about this.
Here we go. I will take out the bullets,
and then, you can... you can have a quick hold.
- No. - No?
No, it's not, like... I'm just...
I'm really just searching for that, like, authentic police experience.
And I just want the real thing, you know?
Like, I want to hold a real firearm...
like yours... you know?
Yeah.
I just want to know what that feels like.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
I get it.
Well...
just for a second.
- Okay, Dad. - Okay?
- Okay. - Okay.
Here we go. Safety's on.
- Feels so good. - Yeah. I'll just...
My God. Let me take it back.
Wow. It's just...
So, there's this one scene.
It's, like, my opening scene.
You know, it's, like, my big scene.
And I have to, like, go in with two guns
and, like, shoot the bad guys.
You know, with a gun in each hand.
Can I...? Do you mind?
- Yeah, sure. - I don't think... No, no.
- My God, thank you. - You're welcome.
This is fucking intoxicating.
Yeah, it can be. It can be. Yeah.
Okay, we'll grab 'em back?
My God. Just, like, give me a minute.
You know what's crazy?
I could just, like, snap,
and, like, kill you both right now.
Isn't that insane?
So... Okay, lady, you're scaring me.
Can I please have my gun back? Thank you.
Bang!
- Okay. - You're dead!
Okay, now that your partner's dead, what do you do?
In this situation here, you shot my partner.
- Yeah. - I would check his vitals.
- His vitals? His vitals? - And...
His brains are everywhere.
Well, maybe you just grazed me.
Shut the fuck up!
You're dead!
Not a peep.
Close your eyes.
Be dead.
So, now what?
Well, I would negotiate with you
in a calm and reasonable manner.
I don't even know what you mean. There's no negotiating.
- Okay, I see. Hypothetically, I get it. - No, this is...
There's no hypothetical. This is the reality of the situation.
You gave me your loaded gun,
and now it's pointed at your skull.
That's what's happening right now.
So you do what I say.
And I say...
What do I say?
Doughnuts.
- Sure. - The doughnuts.
- Do you remember those? - Yeah. Yeah.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
See, earlier, I wanted you to eat the doughnuts.
You were like, "No, thank you.
No, I'm gluten-free."
- Like a little pussy. - Right.
But now you're gonna eat the fucking doughnuts.
- Okay. - So pick up the doughnut,
stick it in your fucking mouth,
and chew.
Go.
Faster. Eat it faster.
- Come on. Eat up, boy. - Okay.
Eat 'er up. Come on, come on. Eat up.
Eat it faster.
All right, now you need something to wash it down.
How about... how about that...
the bottle of piss that's under your seat.
I emptied mine out earlier, so...
- Right, you did. But your partner didn't. - Yeah.
Get the piss bottle.
Don't talk. Get the piss bottle.
- You took it out, didn't you? Emptied it out. - No. No. He didn't.
I don't need to drink the piss.
- Drink his piss. - I don't... There's...
Drink his fucking piss!
- Now! - Okay.
Drink it up. Drink it up.
Why didn't you fucking empty your bottle?
Don't talk to him. He's dead.
Drink it up.
- Okay, Hazel? - Yeah.
My computer was hacked. That's the offense here.
The fact that I was masturbating with whatever pillows.
Doesn't even matter. It-it shouldn't be on trial.
I-I shouldn't be on trial here for that.
Totally. No one wants this to go to trial.
That's why we're here. Next question.
Do you have cultural reasons
for masturbating? Yes or no?
Okay, Hazel...
you, like, showed up really unexpectedly
in the middle of me working,
and-and then you make me say the word
"masturbation," like, ten times,
which is so embarrassing for me.
I feel like you, who is in HR,
in sensitivity training, is, like...
like, one of the most insensitive people.
This is, like, really upsetting.
Do you get that I'm, like, really upset by this?
- Are you upset? - Yes!
What are you, freaking autistic or something?
You shouldn't have called me freaking autistic.
I'm sorry. I-I shouldn't have said that.
So, we have to get another form...
because you did that... to me.
Hate speech.
The autistic one's an A-24. That's a big form.
Do you have dinner plans tonight?
- No. - Well, cancel them.
All done? Yeah?
Yeah, all done. All done. No more.
Which one was your favorite?
The-the third one to the last.
Antepenultimate.
- Yeah, that's what that means. - Yeah. Yeah.
Third one to last. Antepenultimate.
- And fourth to last is preantepenultimate. - Okay.
I love words. It's kind of pretentious, but...
you know, for us actors
words are our weapons.
So, how are we gonna get out of this?
We've established that I'm the one in power
and you're weak as fuck.
- Right. - Right?
- Yeah. - Can you say that?
Say, "I'm weak as fuck, like a widdle baby."
I'm weak as fuck.
- Like a widdle baby. - Like a little baby.
Like a widdle baby.
That's right.
So, I guess the only way
to really get out of this is to beg.
- You want me to beg? Okay. - Beg for your fucking life.
Okay. I'm s...
I'm sor... Could you please not shoot me?
Don't fucking cough.
Or swallow.
Or blink...
you corpse.
You're not taking me seriously.
- No, I am. - This is crazy.
- No, I am. - After all this time, you're treating me like this?
- Like I'm a fucking joke? - No, you're not a joke.
- Is that what's happening right now? - No, no, no, you're not a joke.
Beg for your fucking life!
- Three, two, one! - Wait, no, no, no!
Please don't shoot me! Please don't shoot me!
I'm so sorry. Please, I beg you. I beg you.
Please. Please, let me live.
Please let me live.
I-I have done nothing worthwhile in my life.
I know that. I haven't done anything good.
And I'm 42, and that's just shameful, and I am ashamed.
I am ashamed that I haven't done anything good in my life, okay?
And I was... I meant to.
I always meant to do something good,
and I just never got... I just never did it.
'Cause I... When I was a kid, I just, I thought...
I thought I would never grow old, and now I'm old.
I mean, I'm half-old, and I'm just...
I feel like I've never done anything.
And I wanted to be in the FBI.
I wanted to be the head of the FBI,
and I wanted them to name an airport after me,
but the FBI, they wouldn't take me.
They wouldn't take me when I was younger,
so I'm hoping I get in this time, 'cause...
you know, life got in the way.
You know, my dad got sick. You know, life got really hard,
and I got lazy.
And I know that, and I'm... I've been...
I'm so sorry. I'm...
Feeling this gun against my head,
I just feel like I-I know... I know I haven't done anything,
and I know I will do something, please,
if you just don't kill me. I will, I will not...
I will do something good.
I promise you, I promise you,
I will do something good.
Please, please, please, please,
please, please, please, please,
please, don't kill me.
Please.
Okay.
That was really good.
That was totally believable.
Thank you.
And thank you for these.
That was awesome.
This was, like, the best.
A once-in-a-lifetime experience.
I will never forget this. This was so cool.
Okay, thank you.
Thank you. I mean, I just feel like we had,
I don't know, like...
I just feel connected to you in some way.
I-I don't... Do you feel it, too?
- Yeah. - Like, maybe we had, like, a past life...
- thing. - Yeah.
- Yeah. We should hang out. - I think so.
I'd love that. Like, we-we should all hang out.
- Like, game night at my house or something. - That'd be great.
And you can come, too. Like, it can be so fun.
- Thank you so much. - Yeah.
- Okay, cool. - Okay.
All right. So, I'm gonna go,
and... I'm gonna miss you guys.
- So... - Well, I-I'm sorry. I forgot something.
It's time for my cigar.
No, no, no, no, it's okay.
- No. Just... - All right.
. Okay, bye. - Cool.
Okay. Pound it.
All right.
- Bye, guys. - Bye. - Bye.
Well, I don't know about you, but I'm not going to game night.
I'll go if you go
and you want me to come to keep you company, but...
No, I'm not going to game night.
You know, the more I think about it,
I really don't like her for you.
I think you can do better.
Well, you know, different.
A little bit on the wild side.
A little bit.
Well, we learned that...
Never give your gun to anyone,
regardless of how nice they are to you.
Because it'll always end up in tears.
Cullen. Cullen. Cullen.
- Cullen. - Stop it, Tolbeck.
My God, I just realized who that was.
That was Jessica Alba, the actress.
My God. That's a great story.
No, it's not. I drank your piss.
Okay, that part of it is not great, but...
Jessica Alba... she made you drink my piss.
That's one for the grandkids.
No, it's fucking not!
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