Previously on "No Activity"...
When we make this drug bust, we may even get a medal.
A big, shiny medal.
Mason, it's fun to be at work with Mommy, isn't it?
Do you have any videos of you in the nude?
- Or even just titties? - No.
I got a surprise for you for movie night.
Fresh popcorn.
I'm briefing the boys right now.
- Haldeman, DEA. - Hey, man.
- So the raid is on? - Boys, it's on.
So, you guys are gonna be Team Cobra.
Are you ready to fuck this thing?
Dude, we are ready.
Turn that off.
Where did that come from?
- That was gunfire, no? - Yeah.
What the fuck, they haven't called anything through.
Shit! Shit!
What? Where's the radio?
I unplugged the radio. I forgot to plug it back in.
What the... Why did you do that?!
Because of the popcorn machine.
You fucking idiot. Plug it back in!
Car 14, suspect approaching.
- He should be right on top of you. - We're missing it!
- We are missing this! - Fuck!
Come on! It's not my fault.
Shut up! Grab your vest.
- Man, it's not my fault. - Jesus Christ.
You and your fucking fresh popcorn!
Come on!
Yeah, well, it makes the movie experience better!
Shut up!
If we miss this, I'm gonna fucking kill you.
- Come on, Okay. Fine. - Go, go, go, go, go!
Here we go. This is it.
- Hey, watch out. - Hey, hey, stay back.
- No, no, no, it's okay. - This area's hot.
- This is our bust. - We were here first.
- Ch-Check it out. - Stay back.
Confirming all units.
The raid is completed and successful. Dispatch out.
That's it between us. That's it.
- Come on, you don't mean... - No, no, no.
- Don't... - Come on, Cullen.
Don't follow me! Don't you follow me.
Hey, put the...
Seriously, we are done professionally!
Cullen? Cullen?
Come on, buddy, where you at?
Yo, Cullen.
Hey, Cullen.
Zip up the fucking bag, man.
You just want to spill a bunch of money?
Are you fucking nuts?
Hold on, hold on. Haldeman, we got company.
Thanks, man.
I know you, don't I?
What are you, Team Cobra, right?
Yeah. Hey.
- How are you doing? - All right, how are you?
Great. Perfect. What are you doing?
I was just looking for my partner, Cullen?
Yeah. Is that the...
What is that... the, shirt dicking guy? Cullen?
No. That's my wife's live-in lover, Kyle.
He shirt dicks.
Cullen and I, we just talk about shirt dicking.
- That's cool. - Okay.
I should get going. I'm gonna... I'm gonna go.
All right. Well, it's good to see you.
Yeah. I didn't see anything, so...
What does that mean? Why would you say that?
Why did you just say that?
It... it's just something that I say whenever I leave a room.
I think I saw it on the TV.
I love TV. What show?
Forged in Fire?
The competitive bladesmith show?
- You know Forged in Fire? - I've watched every
fucking episode. I'm a bladesmith.
- Okay... - I make swords.
That's my thing. I've never heard someone say that.
Right. Maybe I'm thinking of another bladesmith show...
No, Forged in Fire's the one.
- Yeah. - So what are you thinking of?
I... I don't remember.
I should probably get going.
- So... - You got to remind me again,
'cause now I feel nervous.
Did you see anything?
I didn't see anything.
Are you sure you didn't see anything?
That's a good answer. There's a reward to that answer.
- Really? - Hey, O'Reilly, throw me a block.
No. You don't have to do that.
Hey, you know what this is?
That's for you. Do you understand what I'm saying?
That's a little cheese.
For the little mouse.
No, I'm,
I'm lactose intolerant.
Me, too.
But this is the kind of cheese you're gonna like.
Do you know what I'm saying?
It's silence cheese.
Open your mouth.
What?
Open your mouth, you fat, little mouse,
so I can fill it with cheese.
Open bigger.
Close it.
Now let me ask you something, you fat, little mouse.
Are you gonna ride with me on our team?
Or you gonna try your luck on your own?
www.subtitulamos.tv
The current San Diego PD corruption scandal
is being called the worst abuse of power
- in a generation. - Thus far, 28 officers have been
indicted on charges from racketeering to extortion.
Decorated Special Agent Josh Haldeman is expected
to be sentenced later today.
Simply put, both cops and robbers said Ralph Dyer...
- _ - Acting Commissioner Garcia
has vowed to weed out all corrupt officers
in the SD PD.
_
-_ - Question.
How many hairdryers do you have?
- None. - Yeah.
- You? - Same here. None.
Okay, four. That's too many, right?
I think you know the answer to that.
I don't know, it's just that the HotPro Ceramic
just came out with a new, limited edition gold model.
It's pretty expensive.
Take the biggest number you can think of,
and then double it.
Another wise investment by Tolbeck.
Man, you have been burning through the money lately.
I don't know. I use this thing, and I just feel like a real man.
I see myself in the mirror using it,
and I just go, "God, I want to be that guy."
And then I realize I am that guy.
I get really happy.
Then I'll get sad.
It's a real roller coaster ride up here..
Car 27, please report.
Car 27?
Car 27. No activity.
Copy that.
Looks like church service started.
Praise be the rectangle.
Janice, wait.
- What? - Okay...
it looks like my laptop was hacked.
And the hacker...
okay, he activated the camera on it,
you know, and recorded me in a...
compromising situation.
All right, well...
what's it about? Money? Is that what they want?
Yeah. Or they're gonna release
the video to everyone in my contacts list.
What's on the video?
Oh.
"Oh" what? What'd they catch you doing?
- You know, like... - What?
What-What's this? You trying to pet a frog or a toad?
Well... I was...
You were jilling off?
- Yeah... Don't call it jilling off. - That's what it is.
I mean, this is jacking off. This is jilling off.
Sure. I just don't like that word.
You're the one making jilling off videos.
Don't get all prudish on me now.
- I wasn't making a video. - Please.
Don't be naive. Leaving your camera uncovered
is like walking into a biker bar in a short skirt,
leaning up against the pinball machine.
Janice, this isn't helping. I don't know what to do.
Give me the phone.
I'll write the guy. Give it to me.
- Are you sure? - I'll respond. Yes, just give it to me.
Geez, look how wet it is.
Were you jilling on this phone?
- No. - What's this smear on here?
- I'm sweating. I'm nervous. - Whatever. Okay.
"Dear Jerk-off Face,
may your mother sit on a knife
while you choke on a pit bull's dick."
Yeah. No, what's better? "A Great Dane's dick.
Go fuck yourself. Signing off."
There you have it. You owe me one.
- Okay. - Feel better?
Check it off your list, sister.
Damn it!
- What? What? What? - Fuck.
I should have said coyote's dick.
It's a lot coarser, like, steel wool.
Would have had more power, you know, more of a punch.
Damn it!
Hey, what do we got?
- We got some movement. - All right.
Dispatch, this is Car 27.
Go ahead, Car 27.
- We have a shadowy figure. - It's average height.
- Average height. - Average build,
- I would say. - Average build, I would say.
- He's carrying... - And carrying...
What is he carrying?
- Something. - He's gone.
- He's gone.
Over.
Wow, great description, guys. Dispatch out. Idiots.
Hello?
Anybody here?
Shit.
Okay, just relax.
My name is Marco. I'm the new trainer.
This is the challenger, Señor Feathers.
I took over for Roberto.
I was supposed to see Frank. Are you Frank?
Shit, okay... fuck. Okay, okay, okay.
There's a password. Okay, okay.
The best season of The Great British Bake Off
is season 2.
That bird is deceptively heavy.
Wow! This place is great.
Sorry we snuck up on you like that.
I like to get to the place early, you know,
so Señor Feathers can get out, walk around,
get the lay of the land, get to know the ring.
You know, cockfight, it's like, 90% intellectual.
It's all psychology for the bird.
How long you been, doing cockfights?
That's all right. We can just sit here,
be quiet, I'm good with that.
You know, what I caught the other day on cable?
Jumanji. The original.
Not Jumanji from now with, you know...
What's the guy's name?
Wrestler who's now in movies?
- Here he is, here he is, here he is. - Okay.
Haldeman is about to give his statement. You want to listen?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Turn it up, turn it up.
I got 50 bucks on the prison pool.
I want to start by saying that,
these corruption stories are true.
At the time, I said to myself that what I did was okay.
- Man, that sucks, man. - Yeah.
Haldeman was our shortstop on the softball team.
He had the mitt of an angel.
Yeah, that's what's bad about this.
Your police softball team
is down a shortstop, and by the way, that's half your softball team
has gone down for corruption now.
Boy, would you calm down?
You're, like, yelling at me right now.
Whatever.
That's a predicament for them.
And, the power I had over these junior officers...
Where have I heard this before?
- Is this Louis C.K.'s apology? - I'll check.
Policing and doing anything I want.
I will now step back
and take a long time to listen.
Thank you.
Yep, Louis C.K., word for word.
My God.
Of all the apologies, why steal the one
where the guy doesn't even say the word "sorry"?
That was Agent Josh Haldeman's statement...
No. He was, like, my favorite cop.
Now I can't like him anymore.
The disgraced agent was sentenced
to six years in prison.
Fucking six years? I had seven. That's 50 bucks.
That's a good thing.
Car 27, any word on the raid?
Nope. Not yet.
Copy that.
Man, my grandfather flew B-29s over Japan.
I'm sitting here waiting for
two fat birds to peck each other.
I'll tell you what, a fat bird would not survive a round with these athletes.
What, are you an expert on cockfighting now?
No, I'm not an expert, but,
when I was a kid, my uncle Lavester
had fighting birds, okay?
They're very mean.
They're very mischievous, too.
Yeah, one of them burned his house down.
- What? - Yeah.
He had this rooster, it was at his house,
he left, came back, house was burned down.
And he said a rooster did that?
A rooster burned down his house?
Yeah... You know, now that I say it out loud,
it doesn't sound like it could be true.
My God. My God. My God.
- My God. My God. - What is it?
This pervert sent me a screenshot
of the video. Fuck, he's serious.
Let me see it.
- No, Janice, I don't know... - Please.
I don't want you to see me like this.
Don't drag it out, give it to me.
That's your pleasure face? My God.
You look like a dog getting an injection.
No one was ever supposed to see this.
It's remarkable. You know, it reminds me,
did you ever see that movie Silence of the Lambs
when Agent Starling goes to that storage unit
and she see that head in formaldehyde?
Well, you look like that, but with less lipstick.
Thanks, Janice. No, come on.
Look it here, he's only asking
for 700 bucks. That's easy, that's chump change.
That's low?
He's got a Venmo account. You got one of those?
- Yeah. - Perf.
Write it down, let me give you his name.
Okay.
It is "nosamlogboy69."
Aw, shit. Okay.
What?
What, what, what?
It's Mason.
It's Mason?
Mason backwards, "nosam."
Like, the kids call him "logboy" at school,
and "69," I have no idea what that is,
but I should've known, it's got his fingerprints all over this.
- Your son Mason has the video? - Yeah.
- Can you believe it? - Yes?
I mean, where do they learn this stuff? I got to give him credit.
At least we can end this.
Do you want to call him?
Me?
- Yeah. - No. I'm not getting involved.
This is your problem.
Don't involve me.
But you're his mother.
I'm not that kind of mother. I don't henpeck him.
I don't still breastfeed him.
I got him on a long leash. We have separate lives.
This is your problem, baby.
- Okay. - Here.
You call him, but when you do,
tell him he owes me ten bucks. He knows why.
And I mean, you could clearly see,
in the background, one of the munchkins
has hung himself. I mean, that's cra...
Three Men and a Baby. Okay? Do you know this one?
So there is, in one of the scenes,
a ghost behind the curtains
in the San Francisco apartment, right?
We caught it on film.
Why aren't people talking about this more?
Why aren't we...
Why... Why aren't we investigating?
Why aren't we putting people on the case,
so that we can figure out how many times
we've captured...
Okay, okay, okay.
You're a woman, okay.
- Is that gonna be a fucking problem? - No!
What? A problem? No. Why would it be a problem?
I love women. Not only that,
but I'm close with the women in my family,
my aunty, I love my mom so much...
I'm gonna fuck your mom, you little pussy-ass bitch.
- What? Why? - Listen to me, you turd, my job here
is easier if bitches like you don't think of me as a woman.
So you listen to me, you racially ambiguous pirate.
What does that even mean?
You never saw this, okay?
My name is Frank.
I don't get harassed, and I don't get fucking disrespected,
and if you have a problem with that,
then you can choke on my big, black dick.
Okay, all right, that...
I got to say something. If you're gonna try
and pull off this whole "I'm a guy" thing,
don't sneeze like a woodland nymph.
You know, it's, frankly, a dead giveaway.
Also, that beard.
I mean, it looks terrible.
Are you fucking kidding me?
It looks like a five-year-old did it.
Your beard is insane.
My beard is a real beard.
It looks like you're starting a church,
but no one's gonna join 'cause of your weird-ass fucking beard.
Your beard looks like just somebody threw
a bunch of dirt on your face,
and a bunch of it stuck to this area
'cause you were sweating at the chin.
- All right. - Okay, listen.
I'm really just trying to help you with what is obviously
a very well-researched character.
Here, if you don't mind... What the fuck?
- Okay. You can't take my picture. - I-I promise I'll erase it.
I literally am just trying to illustrate a point.
Look at this.
Your eyes are so mean.
The hood is doing great work.
Your body language,
everything is communicating a threatening energy,
which is great,
but the beard, it honestly just looks like
- someone threw dirt at you. - Okay, good.
- Well, that's the look I'm going for. - Great.
But you know what? The idea, the gall of you
to question my commitment to women
is-is just over the line, you know?
I love women.
I tried to go to the last Women's March,
but guess what? They fucked it up
because public transportation was overrun, Uber surge pricing,
they... You-you guys created an environment
where you were disincentivizing people,
allies, from coming and marching in solid...
You know what? Here's how you run a Women's March.
Wow.
Shit, look who it is.
Ebenezer Splooge, once again. Let's take him down.
You ready? Come on.
- Let's go, get your jacket, get your gun. - No.
- Put this away. Come on. - No. Come on.
Look, wait, wait, wait. Come on.
What? What? Let me tell you something.
Listen, the last time I gave Herb the...
Herb? You know Old Man and the Semen's real name?
- Yeah, his name is Herb Fischer, okay? - Jesus.
Last time I gave him his final warning, he...
he looked me right in the eye and he said,
"I love you."
Okay. That's, that's very touching and romantic,
but we're still gonna take him down.
- Okay? Let's take him down. We've got time. He takes long.- No.
Listen, we are not going to arrest Herb, okay?
- Why? - This is just bad karma, okay?
He's probably just a veteran.
He probably served his country well
and now he's just here
and he just wants to get his rocks off, okay?
We're here for the cockfighting.
- We're not here for prostitution. - We can do both.
When the raid happens, we'll do that.
We'll take of that. That's great.
But how cool would it be to take down
a prostitution ring, just you and me?
Come on. Let's tick that box.
Okay. What is up with you?
Nothing's up with me.
- You... Don't lie to me. - I'm not lying to you.
I'm your work wife.
I know when something's up.
What's up?
Okay, okay. I'll tell you, but don't be weird about it.
- I won't be weird. - Okay.
I put in an application for the FBI.
You okay?
My little woodpecker's leaving the nest.
You're not mad?
Are you kidding?
I'm so proud of you.
You'll be an amazing FBI agent.
Thanks, man. I appreciate that. But I'm not there yet.
I mean, I've only just applied. I mean, I just feel like,
you know, it's a great time with everyone else
falling down around with all the corruption shit.
Yeah, yeah.
And ticking off the boxes will help you with your application.
Exactly. So what do you say? Ebenezer Splooge?
No. Are you not listening to me?
He said, "I love you."
- Who cares? - I do.
I haven't heard "I love you" in years.
I love you.
- Bull-bullshit. - Can we go?
That was conditional.
Herb's love for me is unconditional.
What do you mean? I-I've said I love you.
Not since August of 2014.
Fuck. What about Lisa?
- My wife? She never says it. - Yeah.
She said married people don't say "I love you" anymore.
It's very passé.
One time I tried to say "I love you" and she booed me.
"I love you."
"Boo."
Fuck.
What?
Big Boy's sick.
Big Boy.
The champion cock. The rooster that your bird...
- Is fighting tonight? - Yeah.
- Big Boy. - Yeah. 43 fights, 43 kills.
Three blindings. 14 unpecked fights. 35 beak-outs.
He's fucking huge. He's a monster.
He's been on El Salvadorian Ellen.
One time, he completely ate the challenger.
- That... - For real?
Yeah. That Big Boy.
Wow. Okay. Well, maybe this is
good news, right? If he can't compete, Señor Feathers wins.
What? No. Are you out of your mind?
That's not how cockfighting works. This isn't chess.
He doesn't win because the opponent doesn't show up.
We sit here and we wait for Big Boy to feel better.
Wait, we wait here for a rooster to get better?
Yes, that's the job.
All right.
Shit.
Did you just get the same message?
No, worse.
My mom's cat got out again.
I don't fucking care about that.
Yeah. I get it, believe me.
She wants me to come help her look for him
because he's an inside cat.
- It's an inside cat? - Yeah.
And it's out?
Yeah, you got to go.
What?
An inside cat is out.
You have to go.
- You sure? - Marco, an inside cat is out!
Okay. Yeah. Great.
Thank you. I appreciate this. You know what,
shouldn't take more than a couple of hours.
I'll text you when I find him.
And, you know, I'll be back.
I don't give a shit.
Really? Okay, you...
Mixed messages on this whole cat thing.
Every... Honestly, everything is mixed messages with you.
Car 27, new intel.
- The raid is off tonight. - It's off? Why?
Because important police who actually know what's going on
told me it's off. So now I'm telling you
- it's off. - Copy that.
Goddamn it. No raid.
Boy.
Mason,
I...
I know it was you.
Okay? And I think
you need to know what you did
- is very wrong. - He doesn't understand
- right from wrong. - Okay, Mason,
did you even consider my feelings
and the invasion of privacy
- with this... - Just give me the phone. Give me the phone.
Okay, I'm putting your mom on.
Mason, you little shit wallet,
just because Fatima sits around
and diddles herself like a horny leper with an eye problem
doesn't give you the right to stoop to her level.
You know what, I don't need you either. Believe me.
I need you like I need a nunchuk blow to the vagina.
When I get home, you better not be there.
Okay? And I don't even want to hear from you.
I love you, too.
God,
I sound just like my mother.
- Hey, thanks, buddy. All right. - Yeah.
- Which is me? - That one.
Thank you. Hey, Dispatch called while you were out.
Hey, Dispatch, this is Car 27.
Detective Tolbeck is here now. Go ahead.
Copy that. I have that intel you requested
- on the perp, Herbert Fischer. - What?
We didn't request any intel on Herb Fischer.
Yeah. I did.
Before. When I thought we were gonna arrest him.
Should we even bother? I mean, I mean,
yeah, go ahead.
Right. So, I had Records dig into the guy's file,
and it looks like he was a Nazi.
My God.
Nazi? What do you mean, Nazi?
He was a former SS Unterscharfuhrer,
or junior squad leader, in the Third Reich
from 1942 to 1945.
Well, why isn't he in jail?
He was. They picked him up in Buenos Aires in 1971,
and he was convicted to consecutive life sentences
but made parole 45 years later in 2016.
He's done his time.
My God. That is crazy.
Yeah. Yeah.
You-you hate Nazis, don't you?
I really do. I really, really hate them.
Yeah. I mean, I-I never liked 'em,
but, I mean, you really hate 'em.
Yeah. Ever since I was a kid, I hated Nazis.
- I mean, should we let it go or... - Let it go?!
- He's a Nazi! - I know, but we made
a commitment and a decision.
You know, if this is for my FBI application,
let's just forget about it.
- Fuck your application! - Yeah.
- I'm gonna take him down like a Nazi bitch. - Okay.
You sound like you're calling yourself a bitch,
but I like your passion. Hey, Tolbeck.
- What? - I love you.
It's not the time!
Looks like he was part
of a special Nazi branch where they did stuff to kids.
The Kindertuchen. It was the SS division.
It's okay, Janice. He's already gone.
He bought the Nazi story?
Hook, line and swastika.
There he goes. There's my guy.
Cleaning up some Nazi scum.
No. No.
Hey, it's me.
I'm coming in,
and I've got a new one.
Copy that.
Come here, you son of a bitch.
You fucking Nazi. You tell me you love me,
and I find out you're a Nazi?
Rough. Little bit rough.
That's okay.
I'm sure he's a bad guy.
Pick up Schindler's bitch!
You picked the wrong cop!
I hate Nazis!
Tolbeck! Tolbeck!
Janice, he sent a video.
Everyone in the office has the video.
- Tolbeck! - Hey, hey! It's okay.
- You got him. You got him. - Get in on this!
- Yeah, you got him. - No, no, no, no, no. Get in on this!
You got him. You got him. Hey, hey, hey,
you got him. You got him. All right.
My God.
My God, my grandma.
My grandma.
It is kind of on us.
We did ride him pretty hard.
We?
Wonder why I didn't get it.
There it is.
Should I watch it now or later?
My God, my God, my God, my God.
Yeah. Hey. Hey. Okay, buddy.
- You're coming with me. - No, no, no, no. Come on.
You're under arrest, pal. Here we go.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Frankie, I'm sorry to say you made the board.
You're one of the bad guys.
_
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