- Synced and corrected by medvidecek007 - - www.addic7ed.com -
I'll be honest with you,
I have nothing to write in your guest book
because we've only been here for 10 minutes.
Did you just burp? It smells like lo mein in here.
But I'm so excited about what's about to happen
that I had to tell someone about it.
It all started about a month ago.
Whoa. What's going on next door?
Oh, Paul and Janice are separating.
Paul's keeping the house, and Janice is moving to Florida
to be closer to their daughter in college.
You need to trim your ears.
You look like you have a troll doll
trying to crawl out of your head.
Seeing how happy my neighbor was made me realize
how much I wanted to be happy...
I shit you not, boys, ballroom dance lessons.
The ratio of women to men, it's like 10 to 1.
Like, I've been putting my cha-cha
into a different woman's mambo every week.
... how much I wanted to be with
someone who was attracted to me...
... someone to share those special moments with.
I wanted romance...
something I'm not sure I've ever had.
- Heading somewhere? - It's my birthday weekend,
so Linda rented a place at the beach.
Oh, that sounds nice. You like the beach?
Hate it.
What are you up to this weekend?
Not sure yet.
Yeah, thinking about going for a jog,
but running as far away from the house as fast as I can
just isn't as appealing since Janice moved out, right?
Hey, if you don't mind me asking,
how did you finally end it?
Honestly, man, I was miserable and I didn't want
to waste any more of my life being unhappy.
So the next time that I found myself bottling up the anger,
I just let it go. Called her the C-bomb.
Yeah, it was an ugly Easter, but now I'm free.
I've had many fights with my wife over the years,
but until today, I had never considered
the nuclear option,
the weapon of marriage destruction...
The C-bomb.
All right. There you go.
Unh-unh. He'll lose 'em.
Well, I hope you enjoy yourselves.
You're actually gonna be our last renters.
The house was my mother's income property,
but she passed away a few months ago
and left it to me in her will.
I was actually third in position
behind her new boyfriend and her cat.
But luckily for me, they were on the
plane with her so...
Anyway, enjoy.
So here I sit, locked and loaded
with an itchy trigger finger
just waiting to be provoked
so I can drop the big one.
You gotta be shitting me. Dave, get in here.
Time to scratch that itch.
This is all you packed?
We're here for the whole weekend.
I knew I should have supervised the packing, but I thought,
"Hey, it's packing. How hard could it be?"
These are two different flip-flops.
You packed a flip and a flip.
You flopped.
It's like I live with a monkey.
You know what? You can be a real cu...
Cu... cu... cu...
Dave? Dave? Dave?!
Linda?
Hello?
Hey, what's up, Dave?
Who are you? And where's my family?
Well, my name is Gabe.
And your family's right in that
bedroom you just came out of.
No, they aren't.
Trust me, they're in there.
One of your sons is dialing 911.
Your wife's YouTubing how to CPR.
H-How do I skip the ad?
How do I skip the ad?!
No!
Aaaaaah!
What the hell is going on?
You're dead.
I don't understand.
W... Is this heaven?
Nope.
Hell?
No.
Look, this will go a lot smoother if you just forget
everything you thought you knew about dying.
Now, I've been told you're a Catholic, right?
Yeah, I am.
Uh, went to Mass every Sunday and confessed all my sins.
- I mean, that's good, right? - Yeah.
If you like telling random old men embarrassing shit.
Look, there are over 4,200 religions in the world,
and not one of them comes close to the truth
about the specifics of who created the Earth... not one.
So, are you God?
Hell, no.
Donny wished he looked this good.
Look, you'll meet him one day, but until then,
I suggest you lower your expectations.
I mean, he's a good guy, but it's not
like he's some magical entity in the sky.
Just a brilliant dude that got bored one day
and decided to create a universe.
Only problem was he made sex feel too good.
That's why there's so many people on earth.
Wait. He can't do something about that?
No. I mean, just 'cause he created you
doesn't mean he gets to control you.
Think of it like an ant farm.
You supply the sand, pour in the ants,
add a little food and water, after that they're in charge.
And you guys are a lot smarter than ants.
Like when old men wanted to have sex
long after Donny designed their dicks to stop working,
you guys invented the blue pill.
Women want to have babies
long after their biological clock stop ticking,
you assholes invented in vitro.
So science is bad?
No, not for you guys.
You live longer, happier lives.
We're just having a hard time keeping
up with all the dead people.
I don't understand.
All right, look.
In the early days,
death was a lot simpler.
You lived for 23 years,
caught a cold, and died.
But then people started to invent this afterlife
and all the rules you had to follow to get there.
It started to bum Donny out
that people were getting excited over an after-party
he wasn't even throwing, so he created Heaven.
Only problem was he had no idea
how many people he was going to have to actually put there.
I mean, the original Heaven has been full up since 1843.
Poor guy's been working nonstop
ever since to make it bigger.
So I just, like, wait here until a spot opens up?
- Pretty much. - Oh.
But he did include some of Heaven's more popular features
to entertain you while you wait.
So when you're hungry,
you write down whatever you feel like eating.
So when you're bored,
write down whatever you feel like watching.
Oh? Really?
What's the name of the most popular girl
you went to high school with?
Oh, Betsy Daniels.
Betsy?
Yeah.
Where am I?
Pretty cool, huh?
You get to have sex with anyone you want.
Are you kidding? I mean, you can
write down anybody's name?
Eh, not exactly.
You see, people are hard to make so
instead of creating a bunch of clones,
and this is the genius part,
he figured out a way to get the people here
while they're dreaming.
Okay, what... what if you write down the name of someone
and they're not asleep?
I get asked that a lot.
It's kind of hard to explain to humans.
The best I can do is tell you it's kind of like
when you DVR a show to watch for later.
Only thing is it's actually nothing like that at all.
That's amazing.
Yeah, I know. Donny's pretty hyped about it.
It's all he talks about.
Anyway, have fun.
I'll check back on you in a few months
to see how you're doing.
A few months? Hey.
Hey.
How long am I supposed to stick around this...
Dave?
Hey, Paul.
So, this is the beach house you guys are staying in, huh?
Where's Linda and the boys?
They, uh, went down to the beach to go swimming.
Oh, that sounds fun.
Mm, too bad I didn't bring my bathing suit.
Maybe we could go skinny dipping.
Yeah, I bet that would turn some heads.
What are you doing here?
Let me hold that book for a minute.
I want to listen to that new Sturgill Simpson album.
You said you weren't coming back for a few months.
That was a few months.
You're just used to earth time,
and Donny made that super slow or
else the leaves would just blow off.
Oh, okay. Well, great.
Everything's super cool here, so you can take off.
Dave, you got company?
Wow. That's pretty fast. Good for you, man.
So, who was it? T-The girl from high school?
Uh, doesn't matter.
Someone naughty. I like it.
Your brother's wife. Your wife's sister.
No, it's just a neighbor. You don't need to...
You're gay?
No. No.
I was just...
I w... curious.
You said you weren't coming back for a few months.
Calm down. It's all good.
Is it really?
I mean, is Donny cool with homosexuality?
Are you kidding me? Donny loves gay people.
You guys are helping with the population problem.
So, is this your first time with a man?
- Yeah. - Cool. How was it?
Oh, we haven't actually done anything.
- Why? - He's not gay,
and I'm not even sure it's gonna happen.
Of course it's gonna happen, man.
This is your world. You the king.
You think the lion walks around the jungle worried
if things are gonna go his way?
I don't imagine he does.
All right, then.
Be the lion.
Go in there and pounce on him.
So what? He might think it's weird
at first, but he'll get into it.
Look, straight people have gay dreams sometimes.
They just don't tell people about it.
I-I don't know. It doesn't feel right.
I mean, I have been thinking about him
ever since he moved next door,
but in all my fantasies,
he's the one who kisses me first.
Oh, okay, I get it.
You more of a gazelle than a lion.
No, I don't... When you were talking about me being a lion,
I thought you meant me going into the jungle
and having sex with a lion.
But if you introduce a gazelle
into this whole animal analogy thing,
I think it falls apart.
How so?
Well, uh, because a lion eats a gazelle.
He doesn't have sex with it.
I was referring to the chase, Dave.
Okay, but once he catches the gazelle, it still breaks down.
Look, look, look, all you have to do
is replace the act of eating with the act of sex.
Then the analogy makes sense again.
If I was comparing apples to apples,
it would not be an analogy.
Right, sorry.
Well, my point then is,
I wanted him to kiss me first.
Then get him to kiss you first.
How?
Paul?
What are you doing?
Who are you?
Doesn't matter.
Shit. I'm late for gym class with Mr. Lattimore.
See? The mind... Very susceptible
to suggestion when it's dreaming.
Put your legs into it, ya pussy.
You want him to go back to school?
You ring a bell.
You want him to eat?
You write down what his favorite food is
and make sure he smells it.
You want him to kiss you?
All you gotta do is figure out what
makes him think about kissing someone.
You can go.
? Young eyes ?
? Starlit eyes ?
? Starlight in your eyes ?
? True love is our love ?
? Tonight ?
? Young lips ?
? Your sweet lips ?
? When they're pressed to my lips ?
? They tell of the love ?
? In our hearts ?
? When your hands caress me ?
? I feel Heaven blessed me ?
? For I feel the warmth ?
? Of your charms ?
? Young arms enfold me ?
? Forever will hold me ?
? For true love is our love ?
? Tonight ?
? Young eyes ?
? Starlit eyes ?
? Starlight in your eyes ?
? True love is our love ?
? Tonight ?
? Young lips ?
? Your sweet lips ?
? When they're pressed to my lips ?
? They tell of the love ?
? In our hearts ?
? When your hands caress me ?
? I feel, feel, feel, feel... ?
Welcome back, buddy.
Aw, shit.
Can't believe we drove all the way to the beach
and had to spend the whole weekend in the hospital.
Sorry, guys.
What was it like, Dad?
What was what like?
Being dead.
You were just laying there not
breathing for almost a minute.
Did you see a bright light?
No, no.
I don't think I was actually dead.
My brain was still working.
I was hallucinating all kinds of weird stuff.
What kind of weird stuff?
I don't remember.
Uh, guys, what about the luggage?
Just take one at a time.
They said it was good to resume normal activity.
Hey, buddy.
- Hey. - Hey, man. How was the beach?
Ah, fine. Uh, beach was fine.
I had a dream about you.
What?
I'm s... What? I'm sorry. What did you just say?
I had this dream that you and I were in a beach house.
I don't remember much.
Uh, there were bare feet
and I think my junior high school gym teacher was there
and there was music playing of some kind.
It's weird, huh?
I'm gay.
Excuse me?
I'm gay.
Really?
Well, that's, uh...
That's great, buddy.
Did you discover this at the beach?
No, no, no, no. I've known my whole life.
I was raised Catholic, so I was always battling
with the belief that...
Say, you're not gay, are you?
- No. - No.
But my brother is.
In fact, I think... I think you might like him.
- Wha... - Mm-hmm.
He got the looks. I got the brains, you know?
- Maybe text me his number. - For sure.
Linda! I need to tell you something.
? You were sleepin' ?
? Sweet dreamin' ?
? Then the morning sun said ?
? "It's time, boy, it's time" ?
? You threw your head back ?
? You shook your fist out ?
? Cried mercy to the sky ?
? Oh, why, oh, why ?
? This ain't your tragic fall ?
? It's your wake-up call ?
? This is your wake-up call ?
? Don't fear that big, bad heart ?
? Don't set your mind a reelin' ?
? Cannonball through that great wall ?
? You built around your feelings ?
? Ooh, ooh, ooh ?
? So take those roses ?
? When they're given ?
? And give yourself a break ?
? From the hard way you've been livin' ?
? This ain't your tragic fall ?
? It's your wake-up call ?
? This ain't your tragic fall ?
? It's your wake-up call ?
? This is your wake-up call ?
- Synced and corrected by medvidecek007 - - www.addic7ed.com -