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sync & correction by f1nc0
~ Addic7ed.com ~

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And yet, at Shivering Middle School,

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whenever a scoundrel
snaps the blind girl's bra,

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Principal Gail Alonka makes
everyone line up and pop a snap

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until the culprit can be recognized,
identified, found.

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Ow! No, that's not him.

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- Next.
- Ugh! No, not the guy.

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The welt
that developed on her back

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represented the price of justice,

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a gnarled and righteous cause

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the lunch lady
was happy to correct.

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Wait. It was her!

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She done it all for the meat.

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Meat, meat, meat, meat...

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Then, there was Delmer Gibbons,

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who spent years trying to get
a job at a suicide hotline,

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but he couldn't catch a break
in such a competitive field.

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So he went freelance.

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_

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He waited by the phone
for what felt like forever

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but was, in fact, much longer.

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Delmer's Home Suicide Hotline.

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We'll talk about anything,
even sex.

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This is Delmer. To whom do I
have the pleasure of speaking?

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- Hello?
- I live alone.

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Two weeks ago, I turned
my oven on and stuck my head in.

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I just wanted the world
to go away.

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In the back of the oven,
I found $9,000,000 in gold.

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That money changed my life.

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I was suddenly able to afford

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the most expensive noose
on the market.

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When I got it around my neck,
the ceiling fell in

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and released
two kidnapped little girls

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being held by a torturer upstairs.

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I was hailed a hero.

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They vowed to devote their
lives to making me happy.

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The first thing I asked for

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was a cocktail of the 100
most toxic pills available.

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When I came to, the doctors
broke the news to me ...

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I'd accidentally invented
a miracle drug

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that made me more healthy
and robust than ever.

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They told me they could use
my blood to cure cancer.

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That night, when I threw myself
off the hospital roof,

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I landed on the monster
who kidnapped those kids.

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He had escaped from prison

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and was on his way
to kill the government.

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The government asked me
to keep attempting suicide

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because of all the good
my failures bring to the world.

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It makes me so happy

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to have a real government
see me as useful.

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I finally have a reason to live!

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I can't bring myself to try again.

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Okay, wait, so if you
don't want to kill yourself,

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then why are you calling me?

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This isn't an "I don't
want to suicide" hotline.

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I can't really keep my line
tied up like this!

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You're right. I'm sorry.

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I'm such an idiot
and don't deserve to live.

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Now we're talking!
Finally, I can do my job.

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Okay.
Don't do it!

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- Don't! Don't do it!
- I'm so confused.

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Let me tell you a little story.

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It's about an ordinary teenager
who wants to commit suicide.

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He decides to write
the perfect suicide note.

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He works on it day and night,

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toiling away on his masterpiece
for decades.

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After 80 years, publishers hear
what he's working on.

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There's a bidding war.

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He ends up with a huge advance
for the note rights.

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The media gets wind.

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The whole world is waiting
for this note to be finished.

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He's a major celebrity,
invited to all the parties.

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Men want to screw him.
Women want to be him.

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Jesus Christ,
goth kids want to eat him.

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They make pilgrimages
to his mansion.

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They climb his gates to peek at
him scribbling by candlelight.

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Finally, when he's 97, he finishes.

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It's time to off himself,
but he wants to wait

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until the reviews come in,
see what the critics think.

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Well, it's a hit,
universally praised

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as the finest work of literature
ever produced.

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But the public is so furious
he didn't go through with it,

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- they drag him into the street and ...
- Stick their willies in his mouth?

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No. They just leave.
Willies dry.

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Everyone went soft, lost interest.

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The public was captivated
by the promise, the process.

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Now that it's just
another consumer product

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with a UPC code,
it loses its mystique.

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- KILL YOURSELF
- They start to resent him.

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So, to get back at the world,
the guy refuses to ever die.

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He just goes on living
for hundreds of years.

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But still, no one cares.

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And that's my message to you ...
No one cares.

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Hello? Hello?

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Hello?

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THE BIG BOARD

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After that,
the calls came rolling in.

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Every day was Christmas.

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But Delmer never did figure out
how to monetize the business.

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And yet, we know

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that when a butterfly
flaps it wing in Sheboygan,

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it can set into motion
a chain of escalating gusts

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that eventually results
in a hurricane in Bali.

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Scientists claim this proves the
chaotic nature of our universe.

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But Dr. Derrick Highbury
has just discovered

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it is actually because
all butterflies hate Bali.

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His research has revealed
that the Balinese

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use crushed butterfly skulls
as a table seasoning,

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and a common beverage in Bali
is butterfly tears,

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traditionally guzzled
listening to Balinese disco

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made from the screams
of butterflies

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whose genitals are being
rhythmically electrocuted.

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When asked to comment,
the entire population of Bali

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pretended to be asleep
for six years

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to avoid discussing the issue.

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The war between butterflies
and Bali

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dates back to prehistoric times,
when Cave Balinese

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would eat the beating hearts
of cave butterflies

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for good luck in their primitive
butterfly insulting contests.

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The world's butterflies
are merely fighting back

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against those who seek
to harm their kind

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by using their natural ability

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to bend the force of chaos
to deliver fierce justice.

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Dr. Highbury decrypted

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how the butterflies managed
to so precisely hone

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the long-term effects
of their wing flaps.

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After much practice, he was able
to manipulate a butterfly wing

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to cause any result he wished for ...

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if he became hungry...

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if he fancied company
for the evening...

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or even the entire weekend.

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Dr. Highbury grew accustomed

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to having anything
his heart desired.

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...and God is watching
over you,

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and God is smiling at you,
and God is loving on you.

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Let us now turn to Corinthians...

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He felt obliged to test

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the outer limits of his power.

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Hang on. One moment.
I'm being handed a note.

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I have breaking news.

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I hate to be the one to report this,

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but according
to many verified sources,

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it appears that God is dead.

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- Yes.
- He was placed in a choke hold

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by police as he slept.

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After months of having
his every twisted whim sated

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just to feel anything at all,

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Highbury required increasingly
exotic pleasures,

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a sickness culminating
in the most perverse craving

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of all time ...
the desire to experience true love.

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But by now, the butterflies knew
he had grown dependent

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and refused to cooperate
until Highbury helped them

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with the secret mission they'd
been planning for him all along.

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He had no choice
but to do as they commanded.

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They needed Highbury
to create a Butterfly Man ...

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a human puppet secretly
controlled by butterflies,

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sent to ingratiate himself
to the Balinese

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and then slowly
take over the country

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until he was in a position
to crush it from within.

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The Butterfly Man was accepted
by the people of Bali

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and quickly fit in...

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too well, in fact,
as he began to discover

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he had feelings
for the simple Balinese maiden

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who brought him his supper
in the evenings.

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He found in their easy rapport

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an inner serenity
he never thought possible

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and decided to abandon his plan
for Balinese destruction

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and run away with his beloved.

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He even began to enjoy seasoning
his food with butterfly skulls

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and dance to the disco forged
from the screams of his kind.

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Naturally, his butterfly brethren

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were devastated by the betrayal.

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And Highbury, he never was able
to find the love

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that seemed to come
so effortlessly to others.

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On the eve of their 50th anniversary,

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the simple Balinese maiden

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revealed her deepest shame
to her husband ...

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that she was a corpse herself,
filled with bees,

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who sent her there on a mission

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to prove to butterflies
once and for all

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that the true nature
of the universe is chaos

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and is beautiful
and must never be defiled again.

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# Blood in the kitchen,
there's blood in the hall #

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# There's blood in the parlor
where my lady did fall #

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# Long Lankin was hanged
on a gibbet so high #

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# And the false nurse was burned
on a fire close by #

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sync & correction by f1nc0
~ Addic7ed.com ~