- Synced and corrected by medvidecek007 - - www.addic7ed.com -
I figure we can live in your van for a while.
We'll get a crib at a yard sale,
and you and I could, you know...
Share a sleeping bag.
I'm not sure I'm ready to be a dad.
Maybe I should just stay in town,
you know, talk to Tommy,
father to ex-father.
Yeah, bad idea.
Grab my shit. We gotta roll.
Hey, Vivian.
Um, you're probably putting Clark to bed.
Please call me if you get the
paternity results in the mail today.
I mean, I can't get romantic on this romantic weekend
unless I know who the father is.
Okay, so,
I need you to drink this wine,
and when you're done soaking,
put on this underwear and this blindfold.
Tonight is gonna be 50 shades of great.
Ooh.
Seriously, please call me.
Okay, just a little further.
Okay.
Oh, my Gosh. I'm getting nervous.
- Don't be. Don't be. - Okay.
- I shouldn't be nervous? - No.
- Okay. - Trust me.
Okay, a little further, further, further.
And... stop.
- Oh, whoa. Whoa. - Okay.
All right.
And...
Ah.
Surprise!
What's going on?
We're getting married.
Honey, what's the worst part of a wedding?
The stress. Picking a date.
Planning it. Paying for it.
I think that's why you've been so anxious lately.
But we can avoid all of that
by having our own ceremony, together,
here, tonight.
- Tonight. - We'll exchange our vows...
I wrote mine while you were having a bit of a soak.
I could probably edit them a touch.
Went down a bit of a rabbit hole comparing my love
for you with the migration patterns of geese.
It ends in a beautiful haiku, except, not unlike
the geese, bit of a journey to get there.
Anyways, after vows, then we will kiss
and then we will exchange these rings
that I got on Etsy.
They're made of distressed barn wood.
That's my favorite kind of wood.
I know.
Of course, nothing's official
till we go to the courthouse on Monday,
but I didn't want to wait any longer.
I love you, and I want to spend
the rest of my life with you and our son.
Nikki, when a goose feels the first chill of winter...
I'm sorry.
I promised myself I'd save it for the ceremony.
Well, we...
I'll go write my vows now.
Okay. Great.
Well, I will light some candles.
Uh, this is gonna be perfect.
Just the two of us.
Asking Vivian to watch the baby this weekend
might have been the best idea I've ever had.
You're gonna have to drive faster
if we want to get out of town with this baby
sometime this month.
I'm not driving too fast
until I get some fresh beans in that bag.
Where are we going, by the way?
I don't have a lot of gas.
Or money for gas.
Well, I got my tips from today,
but they're not great.
Tommy bought some oysters out of a guy's briefcase.
People were throwing up before the bill came.
Actually, you know what? Turn around.
I think I left some money at work.
? I have a feeling ?
Vivian, it's me again. Why aren't you picking up?
Um, okay, so I'm gonna need you to call the beach house
and just make up an excuse so I can leave,
because Tommy just sprang a surprise wedding on me.
So, right now, I'm sitting in a wedding dress,
on the same bed where I slept with Bodhi.
Okay, look,
if you get this message, don't call the
beach house. Don't call the beach house.
I'm gonna make up an excuse and
come get Clark so I can stall.
Vivian called. She can't burp Clark,
and she's afraid he's gonna explode.
So, hopefully, I won't have to bring him home with me.
Uh, but you've been drinking.
I'll... walk.
All right, well, walk slow.
We don't need you getting too sweaty.
We're gonna spend the rest of our lives
looking at these wedding selfies.
_
Where are you going?
I-I'm walking. It's faster.
Hey, buddy,
we got a slight bend in the road coming up, okay?
If you've developed core muscles,
you're gonna want to engage them.
What the hell are you assholes doing here?
Where's Eddie?
Eddie? Bitch, I know a lot of Eddies.
You gonna have to be more specific than that.
Come on, Tickles. Where's Eddie?
Um, I don't go by that name anymore,
and how the hell should I know where Eddie is?
Because you threatened him.
- Said who? - Said him.
When Eddie lived in the mountains,
I could always count on him to cheer me up with a joke.
And then the pirate says,
"Arrgh. You're driving me nuts."
Hi. I'm Tickles.
A private dance at your table is $10,
but if you want to order off the menu,
I'll blow you in the supply closet.
We also have mozzarella sticks.
But after you guys moved to the beach,
Eddie had to cheer me up over the phone.
So, what did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
What?
Eddie!
- I gotta go. - Okay.
No matter when I called,
Eddie was always there for me.
... Then the dad says,
"We call ourselves the Aristocrats!"
Okay, yeah. Well, I gotta go.
But a few days ago,
Eddie was the one who needed cheering up.
And I will stuff your balls in your butt!
Hey, man. Get this.
Your stepmother just threatened
to put my balls in my butt.
Is that even possible?
I don't know, but I don't want to find out.
I hear you.
- Knock, knock. - Who's there?
Smell mop.
Smell mop who?
Uh, no thank you!
This morning, I had another one of my fish
unexpectedly die on me,
But when I called Eddie, he didn't pick up.
So, we decided to come down here to the beach
and make sure you hadn't done nothin' to him.
Did you stuff my nephew's nuts in his pooper?
I didn't touch anyone's nuts.
We all know that's bullshit.
Shut up! I have changed, okay?
In fact, I have a boyfriend now
who I haven't even had sex with yet,
because he is waiting for the best time
to make the first move.
Speaking of which, I am late for a date.
Now, hold on.
The last thing Frank heard from Eddie
was that you threatened him.
What were the two of you arguing about?
None of your business.
And you can't just hold me hostage here.
I told you she wasn't gonna say anything
unless we torture her.
- All we want is some answers. - You want answers?
Give me my pruning shears back.
It's not happening.
But I can't let you leave until I get a written statement,
telling me everything you've done
since the last time you saw Eddie.
This is bullshit!
Eddie probably just got high
and wandered off somewhere.
He could be halfway around the world for all we know.
_
Aah!
Hello?
You're not gonna believe this.
My mother has the entire house wired
- with hidden security cameras. - What?
She must know that I've been renting the house off the books
and she's just waiting to rub my nose in it
by watching these recordings next time she visits.
Wait, so everything at that house
is being recorded?
How long does the footage go back?
I'm not sure.
I'm just working my way through right now,
trying to delete everybody who paid cash.
But, given the size of this DVR,
I mean, I think it goes back a long way.
Oh, I'm gonna see if I can find some footage
of that crazy party those guys threw a year ago,
when some of the knickknacks went missing.
Maybe I can get a lead on where that
cat driving a fish wandered off to.
Anyway, see you soon.
Hey, anybody want any oysters?
There's a whole briefcase full of them in the fridge.
- No thanks. - They look like snot.
Suit yourself. More for me.
Mmm.
Look, I-I made a mistake, okay?
I... I just was freaking out a little
about life and getting older.
So, I went to this party
and I... took drugs, ugh!
And I drank way too much.
And, honestly, this thing with Bodhi, it meant nothing.
I don't even remember it.
Really? You don't remember anything?
No. That's why I didn't say anything.
Well, allow me to remind you.
'Cause the cameras were not just in the living room.
Tommy, please, I don't want to watch this.
I didn't want to watch it, either, Nikki.
But I did.
Tommy, I love you so much.
I'm so sorry.
I just didn't want to hurt you if I didn't have to.
And I know how much you love being a father,
s-so I...
Nothing happened.
Nothing happened?!
Nikki, you slept this close next to another naked dong.
That hurts.
We have a child together, for crying out loud.
Yes, we do.
We have a child.
Ours. Yours and mine.
No doubt about it.
I love you.
And I want to marry you.
Okay, wow.
I love you, too.
This is gonna sting for a little while.
You know me, my heart bruises
like a banana in a washing machine.
Well, uh, I... I think the worst is over.
No, no, it's not over.
- Hello? - Oh!
Hi.
Um, I-I'm trying to reach my husband.
He's one of the Doctors Without Borders
and this is his phone.
Do you speak any English?
Is... Dr... Brown... there?
No, that's a brown doctor.
I'm looking for Dr. Brown.
I need to ask him what to do
if someone has food poisoning.
How you doing, Vivian?
Buddy.
Thank God.
How you doing?
Why are you sweating?
I'm fine. I was running around looking for Vivian
when I saw Officer Leahy's police car parked across the street.
Why were you looking for Vivian?
Oh!
Aw, shit. Look who's in charge now.
Kimberly? You there?
I don't think I can play S.
There has been an Ebola outbreak.
Mom, put the gun down.
You're a lot of things, but you're not a killer.
Bullshit. She tried to kill me.
Kill you?
I drilled holes in the box, you asshole.
You are supposed to be safe and sound in Russia
where you can't screw things up for me.
This is why the post office
deserves to go out of business.
Kim, I can kind of hear people, but I can't see.
I think you might have left the TV on.
If someone would have given
me my pruning shears back,
we wouldn't be in this situation.
Everybody, just shut up so I can think!
Was that a vagina?
Eddie?
What's going on?
Nothing.
Where is the baby? Fell asleep in the van.
What's wrong with that police woman?
She's... drunk.
She's not drunk.
And Vivian's not who you think she is.
Shut up! You don't say another word.
Uh, that's definitely a vagina.
Shut up!
Take it easy, Tickles.
Who's Tickles?!
I'm Tickles! Okay?
I'm Tickles.
I thought I could move to the beach
and reinvent myself, but who am I kidding?
But I wasn't always like this, Bodhi.
I wasn't.
I actually had all "B"s and "C"s in high school
before my best friend, Libby, talked me into dropping out
to follow Nickelback around the country.
To make money,
I would sew patches on people's jeans in the parking lot
while Libby blew guys in the back of her PT Cruiser.
And let's just say the knob-gobbin' business
turned out to be a lot more lucrative than patches.
And that's when I realized
all people really want in life is sex.
So, when Nickel B was playing a show in NYC city,
I popped into a strip club on an open pole night.
I made $47,
and I never went back
to sewing patches on jeans again.
I was living the dream
till the stock market crashed
and guys weren't making it rain anymore.
I was busting my hump
just to squeeze out a drizzle.
And that is not just a saying.
I actually have a slight hump,
and it got very damaged one night
when I tried to do a back handspring
during a Mötley Crüe song.
So, I moved to the mountains
where rent was cheap,
and I decided to open my own club.
But owning a business just, like, turned out
to be a lot harder than I thought.
- Wilfrid? - And before I knew it,
I was jerking off guys in the supply closet
just to keep the lights on.
And, Bodhi, you can look at me
with that deer-in-the-headlights judgement in your eyes
all you want.
It doesn't bother me.
I see those same judging eyes
every time I look in the mirror.
I promise you,
you can't hate me
any more than I hate myself.
Ohh!
Aah!
Oh, you gotta be shitting me!
? That's the truth about the truth ?
? It don't matter what you do ?
? It's gonna bust on through ?
? That's the truth about the truth ?
? You can hide behind a lie ?
? Put on some brand-new disguise ?
? Before you crack, you're cracking wise ?
? And acting like you made it ?
? But, honey, don't it eat at you? ?
? Cut you up and make you stew ?
? Think of what it puts you through ?
- _ - ? Before it makes you jaded ?
? That's the truth about the truth ?
? It don't matter what you do ?
? It's gonna bust on through ?
? That's the truth about the truth ?
? No one said it'd feel that great ?
- _ - ? Bring you peace, make you a saint ?
? All that mess that's on your plate ?
? It ain't going nowhere ?
? But there's some joy that truth can bring ?
? 'Cause lies, they ain't a weightless thing ?
? They pull you down, they cut and sting ?
? They leave you lost and lonely ?
? That's the truth about the truth ?
? It don't matter what you do ?
? It's gonna bust on through ?
? That's the truth about the truth ?
Ahh.
I'm gonna miss you, buddy.
I'm gonna miss you, too.
I hate to leave the beach, but entering the
corporate world has always been a dream.
I can't believe someone wants me
for their Assistant Manager Trainee Program.
I can.
Ever since I saw you drop
that whole bucket of chicken
and take the time to pick out
every single piece of gravel
before you delivered it...
... I knew you were assistant manager material.
Don't start.
Don't you start.
? Now you doubled up on it ?
? Your trouble stacked with your bullshit ?
? Things got better for a bit ?
? Now it's back to your old self ?
? That's the truth about the truth ?
? Don't matter what you do ?
? It's gonna bust on through ?
? That's the truth about the truth ?
What are you doing here?
I went to the prison,
but the guard said you were already gone.
The guard said you mentioned
heading back to the mountains,
so I... I took a shot.
Why?
Why would you come all the way...
I wanted to talk more about all that
stuff you said before you got arrested
and speared in the boob by that marlin.
You know, all that stuff about
working at a strip club
and jerking off all those guys in that storage room.
Yeah, I get it. I'm a bad person.
No, that's just it.
I don't think you are.
At least, I don't want to believe you are.
- I can't. - What are you talking about?
Look, when you revealed all that stuff about yourself,
I didn't know what to say,
because it all sounded so familiar.
I had all "C"s and "B"s in community college
when I saw Matthew McConaughey in "Magic Mike,"
and my world changed forever.
I secretly started working at a strip club
where the club made the guys dress as characters,
like police man, fire man,
trash man, sales man,
medicine man, con man,
handy man, milk man,
space man, cave man.
Basically, anything with
"man" in it was recommended.
I dressed up like a business man.
Only, to make it sexy,
I put my junk in a dress sock
and I pulled it through the fly in my pants
so it would, you know, flop around, you know?
Touching was against the law,
but as Matty Mack says in "Magic Mike,"
"There's a lot of law breakers out there."
Then, one afternoon,
I came home during my mother's new book club
to find myself face to face
with a room full of 50-year-old women
who had all had my cock-filled
dress sock in their hand.
In some cases, worse.
I was horrified.
I mean, every bad thing I had ever done
was sitting in my living room,
talking to my mother about Dean Koontz.
So, I left town.
And I went to the beach to make a fresh start.
Vivian, I never made a move on you because...
I don't make moves on anyone.
I don't want to fall for someone
and have to keep my past a secret,
and I didn't think anyone would want me
if they knew I was damaged goods.
But if I can believe that you're a good person
and you just happened to do some bad things, then...
Maybe I can believe that about myself.
And if I believe it, then
maybe somebody else will, too.
I believe it.
So, where should we go?
Anywhere we can make a fresh start.
? Wherever we go ?
? That's fine by me ?
? We'll settle our bones ?
? Eventually ?
? Yeah, I need a break ?
? I need a minute ?
? Just give me one day ?
All right, there you go.
Unh-unh. He'll lose 'em.
You're actually gonna be our last renters.
The house was my mother's income property,
but she passed away a few months ago
- and left it to me in her will. - Oh.
I was actually third in position,
behind her new boyfriend and her cat.
But, luckily for me, they were on the plane with her.
So... anyway, enjoy.
- Synced and corrected by medvidecek007 - - www.addic7ed.com -