1
00:00:00,883 --> 00:00:03,282
Hey, man. Huh? That
show I told you about,

2
00:00:03,402 --> 00:00:06,286
where people rent a cabin in the
mountains, is on again tonight.

3
00:00:06,288 --> 00:00:09,256
It's pretty much a different story
each week with brand-new characters,

4
00:00:09,258 --> 00:00:11,255
but there's a few
things you should know.

5
00:00:11,375 --> 00:00:13,219
So, there's this
stripper at a bikini bar

6
00:00:13,339 --> 00:00:15,709
who secretly records guys
doing crazy foot stuff,

7
00:00:15,829 --> 00:00:17,778
and then her and her
stepson blackmail them.

8
00:00:17,898 --> 00:00:19,862
And there's this old couple

9
00:00:19,982 --> 00:00:21,719
who gives out the keys
to people who rent the cabins,

10
00:00:21,839 --> 00:00:23,656
and the old dude started
going to the bikini bar.

11
00:00:23,776 --> 00:00:25,686
There's also a guy who lives
next door to the cabin

12
00:00:25,806 --> 00:00:27,083
who's going through a divorce,

13
00:00:27,203 --> 00:00:28,841
but I don't know what
the deal with him is yet.

14
00:00:28,961 --> 00:00:30,880
- Anyways, you should check it out.
- Yeah, I don't know.

15
00:00:31,000 --> 00:00:33,035
My mother usually controls the clicker.

16
00:00:36,599 --> 00:00:38,059
YOU'LL NEVER GUESS WHAT
HAPPENED IN YOUR CABIN

17
00:00:41,020 --> 00:00:42,814
P.D.: OUR OF US PEED IN YOUR KITCHEN.

18
00:00:46,359 --> 00:00:47,944
HE DIDN'T KNOW I WAS A PORN STAR

19
00:00:51,447 --> 00:00:52,740
MY HUSBAND DEVELOPED A FOOT FETISH

20
00:00:56,851 --> 00:01:00,116
- Synced and corrected by medvidecek007 
- www.addic7ed.com -

21
00:01:04,018 --> 00:01:06,953
Dear Jennifer, something
crazy just happened,

22
00:01:06,955 --> 00:01:09,789
so I thought I'd let you know
about it in your guest book.

23
00:01:09,791 --> 00:01:11,939
It all started when my husband decided

24
00:01:12,059 --> 00:01:14,248
we should treat his
boss and his new wife

25
00:01:14,368 --> 00:01:16,195
to a vacation in the mountains.

26
00:01:27,342 --> 00:01:29,041
Let me do the talking.

27
00:01:32,296 --> 00:01:35,130
- In a hurry?
- Yeah. Sorry, officer.

28
00:01:35,132 --> 00:01:37,885
Um, normally, I would
be the one driving, but

29
00:01:38,005 --> 00:01:40,463
we stopped for lunch,
and my boss back there

30
00:01:40,583 --> 00:01:42,905
pressured me into having
a couple of beers.

31
00:01:42,907 --> 00:01:45,474
So, maybe you could let
us off with a warning

32
00:01:45,594 --> 00:01:48,177
since we were being so responsible.

33
00:01:48,730 --> 00:01:50,479
I guess that sounds fair.

34
00:01:51,273 --> 00:01:54,383
So your boss... Was
he drinking, as well?

35
00:01:54,385 --> 00:01:55,851
Which boss?

36
00:01:56,788 --> 00:01:59,793
Sir, will you step out
of the car, please?

37
00:02:11,490 --> 00:02:13,936
Got one. He wouldn't
let me do much to him,

38
00:02:14,056 --> 00:02:16,298
but he's wearing a ring,
so I bet he'll cough up

39
00:02:16,418 --> 00:02:18,941
a couple hundred once
he learns it's all on tape.

40
00:02:18,943 --> 00:02:21,714
Okay. Hey, I, uh, found this picture

41
00:02:21,834 --> 00:02:23,445
of you, me, and my dad.

42
00:02:23,447 --> 00:02:25,746
I was thinking we could
put it up behind the bar.

43
00:02:25,866 --> 00:02:28,740
People come in here to get drunk
and stare at bouncing titties,

44
00:02:28,860 --> 00:02:30,476
not pictures of dead black men.

45
00:02:30,596 --> 00:02:33,013
Besides, I was only married to
your father for like a month.

46
00:02:33,133 --> 00:02:35,224
Keep it in your pocket
if you miss him so much.

47
00:02:50,880 --> 00:02:52,858
That's twice!

48
00:02:52,978 --> 00:02:56,078
What'd you do, watch a pantyhose
commercial or somethin'?

49
00:02:56,080 --> 00:02:58,514
That... first of all, that's ridiculous.

50
00:02:58,516 --> 00:03:01,854
You told me to speed up,
so how is this my fault?

51
00:03:01,974 --> 00:03:03,267
- Can I help you?
- Yes.

52
00:03:03,387 --> 00:03:05,449
We're here to pick up the
key for Froggy Cottage.

53
00:03:05,569 --> 00:03:07,857
- Coming right up.
- David just called.

54
00:03:07,977 --> 00:03:09,792
We can pick him up at the station.

55
00:03:09,794 --> 00:03:12,227
I'm gonna run next door
and get him some whiskey.

56
00:03:12,229 --> 00:03:14,129
He sounded fussy.

57
00:03:25,859 --> 00:03:27,694
Chubbys... we won't tell if you don't.

58
00:03:27,814 --> 00:03:30,098
Bullshit. Hey, it's me.

59
00:03:30,218 --> 00:03:32,381
I don't think I should do this one.

60
00:03:32,383 --> 00:03:34,583
It looks like he was just
trying to get things going

61
00:03:34,585 --> 00:03:37,886
so he could bang his old
wife, and that can't be easy.

62
00:03:37,888 --> 00:03:41,056
I don't care. Business around
here isn't exactly thriving.

63
00:03:42,144 --> 00:03:44,777
Pick 'em up... slow.

64
00:03:44,897 --> 00:03:46,562
Look, blackmailing these horny tourists

65
00:03:46,564 --> 00:03:48,163
is the only way to keep this place open.

66
00:03:48,165 --> 00:03:49,598
And I can't go back to dental hygiening.

67
00:03:49,600 --> 00:03:51,367
- That's how I got Hep C.
- I know, but...

68
00:03:51,369 --> 00:03:54,703
Don't come back here without
my money and a Twix!

69
00:04:02,228 --> 00:04:05,234
Yep, they got my laptop,
and they took her purse.

70
00:04:05,883 --> 00:04:08,450
Well, just make sure to
cancel all her credit cards.

71
00:04:08,452 --> 00:04:10,285
Hey, I'm really sorry about this.

72
00:04:10,287 --> 00:04:11,654
Shh! I can't believe...

73
00:04:11,656 --> 00:04:15,157
No, not you. Someone's bothering me.

74
00:04:16,952 --> 00:04:19,057
Hey! Psst!

75
00:04:20,329 --> 00:04:22,666
Do you have any Plan B
pills I could borrow?

76
00:04:22,786 --> 00:04:24,600
- Excuse me?
- Don't tell David

77
00:04:24,720 --> 00:04:26,368
because he's super pro-life,

78
00:04:26,370 --> 00:04:28,170
but mine were in the
purse that got stolen.

79
00:04:28,172 --> 00:04:31,022
David hates condoms, so
he told me to get on the pill.

80
00:04:31,142 --> 00:04:33,275
But the pill gives me
whiskers on my chin,

81
00:04:33,277 --> 00:04:35,844
so I've been secretly
taking Plan B instead.

82
00:04:35,846 --> 00:04:38,447
Anyway, do you have any I could borrow?

83
00:04:38,449 --> 00:04:39,982
No, sorry.

84
00:04:39,984 --> 00:04:42,718
Had a hysterectomy in my 20s.

85
00:04:42,720 --> 00:04:44,687
Lucky.

86
00:04:44,689 --> 00:04:48,090
I bet you lost, like, 2
pounds just like that.

87
00:04:51,539 --> 00:04:54,502
Hey, buddy. Come on, man.

88
00:04:55,299 --> 00:04:56,565
Hey!

89
00:04:56,906 --> 00:04:58,336
What's that about?

90
00:04:58,456 --> 00:05:00,426
I told him this was all your fault.

91
00:05:00,546 --> 00:05:03,138
The separation? Why would you do that?

92
00:05:03,140 --> 00:05:04,640
- Because it is.
- How?

93
00:05:04,642 --> 00:05:06,508
Plus, I had a date the other night,

94
00:05:06,510 --> 00:05:08,486
and he kept judging me with
those little beady eyes of his.

95
00:05:08,606 --> 00:05:10,579
I had to tell him something
to get him off my back.

96
00:05:10,581 --> 00:05:12,635
You're dating now?

97
00:05:13,150 --> 00:05:16,326
A guy from the gym took
me to the Red Lobster.

98
00:05:16,446 --> 00:05:17,853
Don't get all weepy.

99
00:05:17,855 --> 00:05:19,421
Mm-hmm.

100
00:05:21,947 --> 00:05:23,487
Pussy.

101
00:05:27,624 --> 00:05:29,641
- Who's thirsty?
- I'll have one.

102
00:05:29,761 --> 00:05:31,900
Uh, but Phyllis doesn't drink.

103
00:05:35,276 --> 00:05:38,998
Last one in the hot tub has body issues!

104
00:05:39,118 --> 00:05:40,676
I don't drink?

105
00:05:40,678 --> 00:05:42,825
This weekend is already a disaster.

106
00:05:42,945 --> 00:05:44,407
And you get mouthy when you're drunk.

107
00:05:44,527 --> 00:05:47,016
I don't need another St. Patrick's Day.

108
00:05:47,859 --> 00:05:50,614
Fine. But your niece started that.

109
00:05:50,734 --> 00:05:53,043
- She's 8.
- She's racist.

110
00:05:53,163 --> 00:05:56,458
The alcohol kept flowing,
and by the end of the night,

111
00:05:56,460 --> 00:05:59,928
everyone except me could barely
make it back to their bedrooms.

112
00:06:01,232 --> 00:06:02,865
And that's when it happened.

113
00:06:14,712 --> 00:06:16,011
Hello?

114
00:06:16,013 --> 00:06:18,681
Jennifer, is that you? It's me, Marcia.

115
00:06:18,683 --> 00:06:21,150
I-I have to hurry. He's in the bathroom.

116
00:06:21,270 --> 00:06:22,685
I'm sorry. I think you...

117
00:06:22,687 --> 00:06:24,253
Who are you talking to?

118
00:06:24,255 --> 00:06:26,922
No one! It's just the cats.

119
00:06:33,306 --> 00:06:35,094
Getting a call like that

120
00:06:35,214 --> 00:06:37,081
in the middle of the
night was pretty jarring,

121
00:06:37,201 --> 00:06:39,048
but since John blames me

122
00:06:39,050 --> 00:06:41,622
for anything bad or
strange that ever happens,

123
00:06:41,742 --> 00:06:44,923
I tried to go back to bed
and just forget about it.

124
00:06:50,743 --> 00:06:53,291
- Hello?
- Jennifer, I need help.

125
00:06:53,411 --> 00:06:56,682
Okay, look, I'm not Jennifer.
We're just renting the place, okay?

126
00:06:56,802 --> 00:06:59,101
Yeah? You... Maybe you want the owners?

127
00:06:59,221 --> 00:07:01,654
Yes! Oh, I'm looking for
my sister, Jennifer.

128
00:07:01,774 --> 00:07:04,834
Ah, she always said she was gonna
move away and rent the place out.

129
00:07:04,954 --> 00:07:06,877
Damn, I really needed
her to wire me money

130
00:07:06,879 --> 00:07:09,246
for a bus ticket so that
I can leave my husband.

131
00:07:10,449 --> 00:07:12,582
- Are you being abused?
- Oh, no, no.

132
00:07:12,584 --> 00:07:14,684
I'm... I'm in a plural marriage,

133
00:07:14,686 --> 00:07:16,753
and I'm beginning to
have second thoughts

134
00:07:16,755 --> 00:07:18,860
about being married to
one man and three women.

135
00:07:18,980 --> 00:07:20,590
You know, this latest wife is 24

136
00:07:20,592 --> 00:07:22,225
and he gave her bedroom duties

137
00:07:22,227 --> 00:07:24,361
and put me in charge of
laundry and pet care.

138
00:07:24,363 --> 00:07:27,553
- Well, that sounds terrible.
- Oh, it is.

139
00:07:27,673 --> 00:07:30,449
You know, I would just... I
would buy the bus ticket myself,

140
00:07:30,569 --> 00:07:32,536
except the sister wife who's
in charge of finances

141
00:07:32,538 --> 00:07:35,138
never lets the debit
card out of her sight.

142
00:07:35,140 --> 00:07:37,374
Man, if you could pay for a bus ticket

143
00:07:37,376 --> 00:07:39,142
with dryer sheets and kitty litter,

144
00:07:39,144 --> 00:07:41,578
I would've been out of here months ago.

145
00:07:42,910 --> 00:07:44,512
What?

146
00:07:44,632 --> 00:07:46,727
Jesus! Um, hey.

147
00:07:46,847 --> 00:07:48,752
H-H-How much money do you need?

148
00:07:49,187 --> 00:07:52,389
I used my phone to go online
and wire her the money.

149
00:07:52,391 --> 00:07:54,424
You don't have to pay me back, Jen.

150
00:07:54,426 --> 00:07:57,227
I like to think you'd do
the same for my sister.

151
00:07:57,229 --> 00:07:59,349
Take care. Phyllis.

152
00:08:00,910 --> 00:08:03,869
So, when you, uh, retired,

153
00:08:03,989 --> 00:08:05,740
what was your specialty?

154
00:08:05,860 --> 00:08:07,638
Shiatsu, reflexology?

155
00:08:07,758 --> 00:08:10,907
I would just touch the
guys really soft and slow.

156
00:08:10,909 --> 00:08:13,510
If he was a regular, I'd
let the back of my hand

157
00:08:13,512 --> 00:08:16,213
accidentally brush up against
his nut sack a few times.

158
00:08:16,215 --> 00:08:18,856
- Is that how you met David?
- Oh, no.

159
00:08:18,976 --> 00:08:22,501
- He wasn't a client.
- No, we met at a Mike Huckabee rally.

160
00:08:22,621 --> 00:08:24,654
David was holding a sign that said...

161
00:08:24,656 --> 00:08:26,468
What did it say again, honey?

162
00:08:26,588 --> 00:08:28,959
"If babies had guns, they
wouldn't be aborted."

163
00:08:28,961 --> 00:08:32,031
I didn't understand it at first,
so he explained it to me.

164
00:08:32,151 --> 00:08:34,497
And then he complimented me on my eyes,

165
00:08:34,499 --> 00:08:36,366
which pissed off his wife.

166
00:08:36,368 --> 00:08:38,635
Who turned out to be a
real bitch, by the way.

167
00:08:38,637 --> 00:08:41,004
- Total bitch.
- Anyway...

168
00:08:41,006 --> 00:08:42,940
Ah.

169
00:08:43,060 --> 00:08:44,522
Where did you get that?

170
00:08:44,642 --> 00:08:47,177
I won it in a silent
auction at a charity event

171
00:08:47,179 --> 00:08:49,212
for kids with jacked-up smiles.

172
00:08:49,214 --> 00:08:51,894
I've been wanting to get out
of the city and give it a go.

173
00:08:53,276 --> 00:08:56,418
- Hey, bud. You want to play some catch?
- No.

174
00:08:57,662 --> 00:09:00,323
Okay.

175
00:09:00,812 --> 00:09:02,626
Wanna talk about what your mom said?

176
00:09:02,746 --> 00:09:04,694
No.

177
00:09:07,900 --> 00:09:09,132
- Oh, sh...
- Oh.

178
00:09:16,045 --> 00:09:18,842
Whoa. Cool!

179
00:09:20,822 --> 00:09:22,712
Hello?

180
00:09:22,714 --> 00:09:25,315
Phyllis, I did it. I got out.

181
00:09:25,317 --> 00:09:26,917
I didn't even say goodbye to the cat.

182
00:09:26,919 --> 00:09:28,585
I was hoping you could pick me up.

183
00:09:28,587 --> 00:09:30,654
I'm across the street from a bikini bar.

184
00:09:30,656 --> 00:09:32,445
You're here?

185
00:09:32,565 --> 00:09:34,509
Yeah, the bus let me
off right in front of

186
00:09:34,629 --> 00:09:37,260
Wang's Tastey Delightful.

187
00:09:37,262 --> 00:09:39,429
Uh, Marcia?

188
00:09:39,431 --> 00:09:41,765
My husband's boss is here,

189
00:09:41,767 --> 00:09:44,467
and even though things started
out real rough at first,

190
00:09:44,469 --> 00:09:46,036
they're going well now, okay?

191
00:09:46,038 --> 00:09:48,967
I-I can't throw the midnight
caller into the mix.

192
00:09:49,087 --> 00:09:51,374
Well, I-I just need to
walk around the house

193
00:09:51,376 --> 00:09:53,554
and look for a clue
how to find my sister.

194
00:09:53,674 --> 00:09:55,045
Please, Phyllis.

195
00:09:55,047 --> 00:09:57,647
You're the only friend I have right now.

196
00:09:58,421 --> 00:10:00,216
Please?

197
00:10:02,896 --> 00:10:05,889
Be right back. We're out of milk.

198
00:10:06,009 --> 00:10:07,891
Hey, Bethany should be able to make milk

199
00:10:07,893 --> 00:10:09,527
with how much I paid for her titties.

200
00:10:11,430 --> 00:10:12,909
She didn't get it.

201
00:10:13,417 --> 00:10:15,208
Hello, it's Phyllis again.

202
00:10:15,328 --> 00:10:17,998
Last I left you, I was heading
over to pick up Marcia.

203
00:10:21,442 --> 00:10:22,641
Marcia.

204
00:10:22,643 --> 00:10:24,443
Oh. How'd you guess?

205
00:10:24,445 --> 00:10:26,378
You're wearing four wedding bands.

206
00:10:26,380 --> 00:10:28,280
Oh.

207
00:10:28,282 --> 00:10:30,182
Yeah, hey, listen, do me a favor.

208
00:10:30,184 --> 00:10:33,319
Go inside, order me a
slippery shrimp, okay?

209
00:10:33,321 --> 00:10:35,187
I'm gonna go park the car.
I don't wanna take you back

210
00:10:35,189 --> 00:10:37,022
to the house till everyone's tits up.

211
00:10:37,024 --> 00:10:40,074
Okay. Slipper... Okay. Tits up. Got it.

212
00:10:48,569 --> 00:10:50,302
$1 for the teeth-bleaching strips.

213
00:10:50,304 --> 00:10:51,837
Do I have $1 and 10 cents?

214
00:10:53,140 --> 00:10:55,169
- Sold.
- Yay!

215
00:10:55,289 --> 00:10:57,977
I'm gonna see if these
work on buttholes.

216
00:10:57,979 --> 00:11:00,279
They don't. It just stings.

217
00:11:00,281 --> 00:11:03,182
Oh, now here's something you
both might be interested in.

218
00:11:03,184 --> 00:11:05,666
Plan B. Let's start the bidding

219
00:11:05,786 --> 00:11:08,387
on this convenient
little abortion at $3.

220
00:11:11,470 --> 00:11:14,443
Sorry. Are you closed?

221
00:11:14,563 --> 00:11:16,879
- No, we're open.
- Great!

222
00:11:18,250 --> 00:11:20,791
Your shoe's untied, buddy.

223
00:11:21,269 --> 00:11:24,637
Hey, Frank, can I talk to
you outside for a second?

224
00:11:25,522 --> 00:11:27,072
You lied to me.

225
00:11:27,074 --> 00:11:28,807
I should've known that
old man wouldn't have

226
00:11:28,809 --> 00:11:30,509
given you a laptop and a purse.

227
00:11:30,511 --> 00:11:32,111
Yeah, I stole it.

228
00:11:32,113 --> 00:11:33,979
I couldn't blackmail him.

229
00:11:33,981 --> 00:11:35,881
There are not that many
black people up here,

230
00:11:35,883 --> 00:11:38,350
and it doesn't feel right to
start turning on each other.

231
00:11:38,352 --> 00:11:40,052
He's not a tourist?

232
00:11:40,054 --> 00:11:42,528
No. He works at that rental place.

233
00:11:42,648 --> 00:11:44,790
Rents Cabins for the Owners.

234
00:11:44,792 --> 00:11:46,692
He gives people the keys.

235
00:11:46,694 --> 00:11:48,694
That old dude has a key

236
00:11:48,696 --> 00:11:51,712
- to every rental cabin on the mountain?
- Yeah.

237
00:11:53,998 --> 00:11:57,227
Well, let's get him a drink and
make sure he keeps coming back.

238
00:11:57,347 --> 00:12:00,195
That guy's our new retirement plan.

239
00:12:00,315 --> 00:12:03,309
So, uh, plural marriage...
not for you, huh?

240
00:12:03,311 --> 00:12:05,377
Uh, I don't know if I'm
against plural marriage,

241
00:12:05,379 --> 00:12:08,197
or if I just haven't found
the right guy and gal

242
00:12:08,317 --> 00:12:10,665
- and gal and gal.
- Yeah, well, you know,

243
00:12:10,785 --> 00:12:12,918
finding one of those is hard enough.

244
00:12:12,920 --> 00:12:14,987
John and I get along pretty
well most of the time,

245
00:12:14,989 --> 00:12:17,623
but man, this week
has been so stressful.

246
00:12:17,625 --> 00:12:20,292
Plus, anytime anything goes
wrong, he just blames me.

247
00:12:20,294 --> 00:12:22,761
My husband and wives do that to me, too.

248
00:12:22,763 --> 00:12:24,396
- Get out of here!
- I'm serious.

249
00:12:24,398 --> 00:12:27,618
It all started after I had
the worst Thursday ever.

250
00:12:27,738 --> 00:12:29,802
My bedroom in the basement flooded,

251
00:12:29,804 --> 00:12:31,236
a vending machine fell on me,

252
00:12:31,238 --> 00:12:33,238
and my favorite cat
accidentally hung herself.

253
00:12:33,240 --> 00:12:36,075
Ever since that happened,
anytime anything goes wrong,

254
00:12:36,466 --> 00:12:38,733
they say it's my fault
because I'm cursed.

255
00:12:38,853 --> 00:12:40,646
Okay, that is bullshit.

256
00:12:40,648 --> 00:12:42,281
That is total bullshit.

257
00:12:42,283 --> 00:12:44,669
- You know, they call me "Schleprock".
- What?

258
00:12:44,789 --> 00:12:46,251
Which is some sort of reference

259
00:12:46,253 --> 00:12:48,253
to "The Flintstones"
that I don't even get.

260
00:12:48,255 --> 00:12:50,251
But I told myself, "If
they call me that one

261
00:12:50,371 --> 00:12:52,157
"more time, I am leaving."

262
00:12:52,159 --> 00:12:54,579
What do you think they
called me last night?

263
00:12:54,699 --> 00:12:55,949
Hmm.

264
00:12:56,287 --> 00:12:58,037
"Schleppy."

265
00:12:58,366 --> 00:13:00,699
But it was short for "Schleprock."

266
00:13:00,701 --> 00:13:01,802
Wow.

267
00:13:01,922 --> 00:13:04,386
John calls me "Drama Magnet."

268
00:13:04,506 --> 00:13:05,672
Oh.

269
00:13:05,792 --> 00:13:07,240
It's not from a cartoon,

270
00:13:07,360 --> 00:13:09,842
but you know, if he ever does it again,

271
00:13:09,844 --> 00:13:11,777
I'm gonna just stand up for myself.

272
00:13:11,779 --> 00:13:14,474
You've inspired me, Marcia. I'm
not gonna take it anymore.

273
00:13:14,594 --> 00:13:17,149
Good for you.

274
00:13:18,820 --> 00:13:21,434
Anyone ever tell you you
smell like snickerdoodles?

275
00:13:21,554 --> 00:13:24,390
Yes! I've heard that quite a few times.

276
00:13:25,575 --> 00:13:27,315
- It's good, right?
- It's great.

277
00:13:29,130 --> 00:13:31,255
Once it was dark, I figured it was safe

278
00:13:31,375 --> 00:13:34,033
to take Marcia back to the house.

279
00:13:36,337 --> 00:13:39,672
Probably best if we don't
tell your mom about this.

280
00:13:39,674 --> 00:13:41,774
You can try it next
time you visit, okay?

281
00:13:41,776 --> 00:13:44,692
- You want to keep visiting, right?
- Are you kidding? Of course.

282
00:13:44,812 --> 00:13:46,123
Good.

283
00:13:47,315 --> 00:13:50,449
Can I shoot this with my shirt off?

284
00:13:50,451 --> 00:13:52,718
I don't see why not.

285
00:13:55,443 --> 00:13:57,320
This isn't my sister's house.

286
00:13:57,440 --> 00:13:58,958
My sister's house is yellow,

287
00:13:58,960 --> 00:14:01,727
and the mailbox is a mini Eiffel Tower.

288
00:14:01,729 --> 00:14:04,849
Marcia, this is the house you called.

289
00:14:08,469 --> 00:14:11,658
What... Does that look like a 2 or a 3?

290
00:14:11,778 --> 00:14:12,962
Uh,

291
00:14:13,082 --> 00:14:16,075
I-I don't know because it's...
it's very smudged.

292
00:14:16,077 --> 00:14:19,011
It could be a zero.
Actually, it's all smudged.

293
00:14:19,013 --> 00:14:21,992
I know. I guessed at most of those.

294
00:14:22,403 --> 00:14:24,450
I think... I think the cats peed on it.

295
00:14:24,452 --> 00:14:25,851
Oh, seriously?

296
00:14:25,853 --> 00:14:28,510
I think they knew I was leaving.

297
00:14:29,190 --> 00:14:31,624
At this point, we both realized

298
00:14:31,626 --> 00:14:33,262
something that you must have known

299
00:14:33,382 --> 00:14:35,227
when you started reading this story...

300
00:14:35,229 --> 00:14:38,497
You're not Jennifer, and
Marcia is not your sister.

301
00:14:43,502 --> 00:14:46,472
Oh. Oh, boy.

302
00:14:46,474 --> 00:14:48,440
Do you care if I sleep on the porch,

303
00:14:48,442 --> 00:14:50,476
and then tomorrow I can walk around

304
00:14:50,478 --> 00:14:52,578
and... and try and find
my sister's house?

305
00:14:52,580 --> 00:14:54,780
No, you can't sleep
outside. You'll freeze.

306
00:14:55,950 --> 00:14:57,883
I have an idea.

307
00:15:00,121 --> 00:15:03,263
Since my car is so small, I
let her sleep in David's car.

308
00:15:03,383 --> 00:15:05,257
Worst case... They'll wonder why

309
00:15:05,259 --> 00:15:07,226
their car smells like snickerdoodles.

310
00:15:07,228 --> 00:15:09,795
Anyway, just thought you'd wanna
hear how things turned out

311
00:15:09,797 --> 00:15:11,830
even if it wasn't your sister.

312
00:15:15,614 --> 00:15:18,237
Oh, by the way, don't wanna
make a big deal out of it...

313
00:15:18,239 --> 00:15:20,606
There was a used syringe
in your driveway.

314
00:15:22,176 --> 00:15:24,009
I decided to hide your guest book

315
00:15:24,011 --> 00:15:25,945
in a closet I found under your stairs

316
00:15:25,947 --> 00:15:29,333
so my husband doesn't read
any of this. Take care. Phyllis.

317
00:15:46,563 --> 00:15:48,100
Hello?

318
00:15:48,102 --> 00:15:49,758
Is Marcia there?

319
00:15:49,878 --> 00:15:52,137
- Who is this?
- It's Marcia's husband.

320
00:15:52,139 --> 00:15:55,574
I checked the phone bill online
and saw she called this number.

321
00:15:55,576 --> 00:15:58,764
Is she there? I just
wanna tell her I love her.

322
00:15:58,884 --> 00:16:00,713
Please.

323
00:16:02,539 --> 00:16:04,216
Hold on.

324
00:16:13,561 --> 00:16:17,162
Oh, for shit's sake.

325
00:16:19,186 --> 00:16:20,485
Hey, Big Love.

326
00:16:20,487 --> 00:16:23,188
One of your wives just stole a car.

327
00:16:23,190 --> 00:16:24,489
Hello?

328
00:16:36,436 --> 00:16:38,370
No sign of forced entry.

329
00:16:38,372 --> 00:16:41,106
Are you sure you didn't leave
the keys in the Escalade?

330
00:16:41,108 --> 00:16:44,175
Positive. I left it right
there on that table.

331
00:16:44,177 --> 00:16:47,275
Someone must have
walked in and took 'em.

332
00:16:47,395 --> 00:16:49,347
Phyllis, you were up longer than us.

333
00:16:49,349 --> 00:16:50,815
Did you lock the door?

334
00:16:50,817 --> 00:16:53,482
Oh, yeah, sure. Front
door locked real tight.

335
00:16:53,602 --> 00:16:56,087
Back door, always open.

336
00:16:56,089 --> 00:16:59,657
Isn't that right, officer? You
know what I'm talking about.

337
00:16:59,659 --> 00:17:01,126
- Really?
- Hmm?

338
00:17:01,128 --> 00:17:03,428
Now? You decide to start drinking now?

339
00:17:03,430 --> 00:17:05,196
That's for us.

340
00:17:05,198 --> 00:17:07,599
I ordered a cab to take us
to the rental car place.

341
00:17:07,601 --> 00:17:09,256
- David, I don't mind driving you.
- No, you...

342
00:17:09,376 --> 00:17:11,069
Oh. You've done enough.

343
00:17:11,071 --> 00:17:13,271
Thank you, John, for an amazing weekend.

344
00:17:13,273 --> 00:17:15,974
I'm... I'm sorry, David.
I mean, trust me.

345
00:17:15,976 --> 00:17:19,210
My wife's the jinx in
this family, not me.

346
00:17:19,212 --> 00:17:20,912
What did you say?

347
00:17:20,914 --> 00:17:23,848
You know it's true.
You're a drama magnet.

348
00:17:26,420 --> 00:17:28,553
Hey, David.

349
00:17:28,555 --> 00:17:31,890
You're gonna wanna take a
couple drinks for the road

350
00:17:31,892 --> 00:17:33,629
'cause you're gonna wanna
be real nice and lubed up

351
00:17:33,749 --> 00:17:36,086
when you find out that that
your monkey-brained child bride

352
00:17:36,206 --> 00:17:38,185
is probably pregnant
'cause her birth control

353
00:17:38,305 --> 00:17:40,765
was in her purse that got stolen.

354
00:17:40,767 --> 00:17:42,901
Mm. Mm. Oh, wait.

355
00:17:42,903 --> 00:17:47,605
And what birth control
would that be? Hmm.

356
00:17:47,607 --> 00:17:49,841
Well let's just go ahead and say

357
00:17:49,843 --> 00:17:51,609
she wasn't using Plan A.

358
00:17:51,611 --> 00:17:54,779
Isn't that right? That's right, David.

359
00:17:54,781 --> 00:17:56,548
Every time you finish

360
00:17:56,550 --> 00:17:59,484
pumping and wheezing on top
of your barely legal spouse,

361
00:17:59,486 --> 00:18:02,854
she just pops one of
those handy dandy little

362
00:18:02,856 --> 00:18:05,256
no-muss, no-fuss abortion pills.

363
00:18:05,258 --> 00:18:08,393
Hey, what... what do you
think your little right-wing,

364
00:18:08,395 --> 00:18:11,262
bass guitar-playing buddy
would think about that? Huh?

365
00:18:11,264 --> 00:18:14,065
What do ya think, you bald, alcoholic,

366
00:18:14,067 --> 00:18:18,102
halitosis-having, cheap
wristwatch-wearing

367
00:18:18,104 --> 00:18:19,647
piece of shit?

368
00:18:19,767 --> 00:18:23,274
Borderline pedophile...
What... what do you think?

369
00:18:24,077 --> 00:18:25,502
The pill gives me whiskers.

370
00:18:25,622 --> 00:18:27,621
- I look like a catfish.
- Bethany,

371
00:18:28,064 --> 00:18:30,815
we'll talk about it in the car.

372
00:18:35,088 --> 00:18:37,188
I probably shouldn't have drunk.

373
00:18:40,243 --> 00:18:43,953
? First one gets me started ?

374
00:18:44,298 --> 00:18:47,766
? Second one breaks me out ?

375
00:18:47,768 --> 00:18:51,536
? Third one, I'm eating
fat fried chicken ?

376
00:18:51,538 --> 00:18:55,640
? And cursing strangers out ?

377
00:18:55,642 --> 00:18:59,744
? Fourth one, I reconsider it ?

378
00:18:59,746 --> 00:19:02,981
? Fifth one, I'm having doubts ?

379
00:19:02,983 --> 00:19:06,952
? On the sixth one, I'm
in a bathroom stall ?

380
00:19:06,954 --> 00:19:10,855
? With my tongue in someone's mouth ?

381
00:19:11,825 --> 00:19:15,260
? Lord, I need a double of ?

382
00:19:15,262 --> 00:19:18,263
? One too many's not enough ?

383
00:19:18,265 --> 00:19:19,731
? But ooh ?

384
00:19:19,733 --> 00:19:23,235
? Tip it back, it ain't no bluff ?

385
00:19:23,237 --> 00:19:26,701
? One too many's not enough ?

386
00:19:26,821 --> 00:19:31,009
? No, one too many's
not enough, no, no ?

387
00:19:32,246 --> 00:19:34,479
Hi.

388
00:19:34,481 --> 00:19:37,082
I'm here to pick up the
keys to Froggy Cottage.

389
00:19:37,084 --> 00:19:39,026
My husband usually handles that.

390
00:19:39,146 --> 00:19:41,051
I don't know where he done got off to.

391
00:19:41,171 --> 00:19:43,254
But I can help you,
though. Nice place...

392
00:19:43,374 --> 00:19:45,437
Some jackass pissed in the kitchen,

393
00:19:45,557 --> 00:19:48,575
but I mopped it up. They
left an awful lot of liquor, too.

394
00:19:48,695 --> 00:19:51,169
- You can help yourself if you like.
- Oh, no, thanks.

395
00:19:51,289 --> 00:19:54,949
I'm up here so my girlfriend
can get to know my daughter.

396
00:19:55,069 --> 00:19:58,169
Probably not the best time
to impair our judgment.

397
00:20:06,829 --> 00:20:08,635
Phyllis? It's Marcia.

398
00:20:08,755 --> 00:20:11,123
Listen, sorry about
the car. I-I got hungry,

399
00:20:11,243 --> 00:20:13,780
so I grabbed the keys from
inside and I went looking for food.

400
00:20:13,900 --> 00:20:16,891
But then a bee flew in the
car, and I drove it into the lake.

401
00:20:17,011 --> 00:20:20,053
I managed to swim to shore, but
the Escalade sunk to the bottom.

402
00:20:20,173 --> 00:20:22,165
Get off the highway, you stupid bitch!

403
00:20:22,285 --> 00:20:24,274
You! You get off the
highway, you stupid bitch!

404
00:20:24,394 --> 00:20:26,777
Anyway, I've decided to
hitchhike back home.

405
00:20:26,779 --> 00:20:28,494
I'm just... I'm no good on my own.

406
00:20:28,514 --> 00:20:30,815
And if the insurance company
needs to get in touch with me,

407
00:20:30,817 --> 00:20:33,502
my number's 7-4...

408
00:20:33,622 --> 00:20:35,601
... 3-8. Take care!

409
00:20:36,234 --> 00:20:38,332
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