"Cloud 9 Management Summit 2018."
Yeah, managers, district managers,
assistant managers, regional managers...
- A lot of managers. - A ton of managers, big fella.
Anyway, Dina I can't go this year,
'cause, you know, her goldfinch is in hospice,
poor thing. And my in-laws are in town,
which is... unpleasant.
But anyway, two tickets up for grabs.
Oh, that's so kind of you to offer,
but I think I'm gonna pass.
Yeah, and I-I would go, but it sounds terrible.
Oh, okay.
Well, I'm sure you don't wanna leave
your baby overnight anyway, right?
It's overnight?
Oh, yeah, it's in Chicago.
The put you up in a hotel, which I hate,
'cause they're always washing the sheets.
You never get a chance to have that nice, lived-in feel.
Yeah, we're gonna take these tickets.
- Thank you. - Oh, great.
And it works out perfect because, you know,
you two are a hot item now,
and they only give you one hotel room per store.
So, you and Dina would have had to share a room?
Yeah, yeah.
We managed to make it work last year.
I just read a book in the bathtub
while she made love to the bellhop.
Synced and corrected by hawken45 for www.addic7ed.com
I can't wait to get in to our room
and take a long, hot bath.
Yeah, mm-hmm. Maybe I'll join you.
Ooh, maybe.
Although, I really would rather just take it by myself,
if that's okay...
Oh, yeah... no.
I already took a shower this morning anyway.
I don't see Amy Sosa or Jonah Simms on the list.
Oh, check under Glenn Sturgis.
He gave us his tickets.
I'm sorry, the tickets are non-transferable.
Uh, where does it say that?
Right here on the ticket.
Oh, look at that.
Not even in fine print, just right there
in big, bold letters.
Guys? Hey, guys.
Corporate is asking us to run everybody through E-Verify,
and there's a bit of a problem.
- What? - What's E-Verify?
It's a registry for sex offenders.
No, it's for undocumented immigrants.
Why not sex offenders?
Because it's not illegal to hire a sex offender,
but it is illegal to hire an undocumented immigrant.
Well, I've heard that E-Verify is full of bugs.
Just lots and lots of bugs.
They're not bugs, Cheyenne. They're human beings.
But we do need to talk.
Me? Or Sayid?
You probably meant Sayid.
Sayid, Glenn wants to talk to you.
Yeah, I meant Sayid.
Good.
That's what I said. Yeah.
We're all saying the same thing.
Sayid, I think you're getting deported.
But I'm not undocumented.
Of course you're not.
He's a refugee. You have to enter his info
on a different page.
A refugee? Oh, I had no idea.
So, what crime did you commit?
I committed no crime.
Then why are you on the run?
I'm a refugee, not a fugitive.
I was fleeing the civil war in Syria.
Whoa, what was Syria like?
Not good. Seriously, not good.
Yeah, there's all sorts of, like, rampant destruction
and beheadings and locusts, right?
Yes, though the locusts had nothing to do with the war.
They're a seasonal nuisance.
Hey, what are your thoughts on the movie, "Syriana"?
I thought George Clooney was pretty okay,
and Matt Damon was just okay.
Did you own slaves?
Cheyenne, why would you ask that?
He said he was part of a civil war.
Our Civil War was about slavery.
Actually, the Civil War was not about slavery.
- That's a misconception. - No, not a misconception.
- Good people can disagree. - Wrong.
You are not a good person if you disagree.
The point is, Sayid, you're home now.
And on behalf of everyone in America, we welcome you.
Come on, clap harder. He's been through stuff.
Well, at least you got away from the baby for a few hours.
I mean, nothing against your baby... he's great.
Yeah, no, he's the best.
Uh-oh, who let these dogs out?
- Hey, Jeff. - Jeff.
Hi, guys.
Are you here for the conference?
That's awesome.
Well, we were supposed to be,
but apparently it's just for managers.
Um... let me take care of that for ya.
Hey, Denise, these are friends of mine,
so I can vouch for them.
I don't know who you are.
What?
We've met, like, a million times.
Okay, I'm just gonna say what everyone's thinking.
How do we know he's not, you know, ISIS?
What's ISIS?
Are you... you haven't heard of ISIS?
Are you even on Instagram?
Relax, they vet these guys for years.
I mean, truthfully, out of everyone in this store,
Sayid is the one person I'm sure isn't a terrorist.
You think I could be a terrorist?
Yeah, I definitely think you could be a terrorist.
- Definitely. - Oh, yeah.
I would not rent you a U-Haul, ever.
Where's Sayid?
I told him to shovel out front.
What?
Hasn't he been through enough?
I mean, the last thing he needs is to be thrown out in the cold
like... like he's some nothing.
Mateo, go take over for Sayid.
Me? Wha...
You know what? I can't.
- I am on holiday wrapping duty. - No problem.
Garrett, could you take over for Mateo, please?
Or we can just cut out the middle man
and have Garrett shovel the snow.
What? How am I supposed to do that?
I mean, we have snow tires.
Okay, I want everybody to remember this
the next time somebody says
- "Garrett can do anything." - Wow.
Okay, here are your lanyards and your room keys.
Sometimes you just gotta grease the right palms.
Really? 'Cause it sort of looked like you just waited
till her back was turned and stole these off the table.
Eagle eyes over here.
Okay.
And what happens when the real "Colt McCann"
and "Chien Mon Koh" try to get in?
Who cares? You guys want 'em or not?
- Okay. - I mean, thank you?
Yes, yes, yes!
We're gonna have a great time together.
- Come on, come on, come on... - No, no, no.
I think we're just gonna meet you in there later on.
Yeah, we were just gonna check in,
settle into the room. It was a really long drive.
No, no, no, no.
There's plenty of time for that later.
Time to get our party on.
Whoop-whoop. Let's do it.
Wait...
And go. Go, go, go, go.
It's so unfair.
I'm stuck outside shoveling snow
while Sayid gets treated like he's
part of Janet Jackson's entourage, or something.
I know, he's safe and sound now.
If anyone deserves special treatment, it's you.
Right? Thank you.
I mean, you could be deported literally at any moment,
just taken back to the Philippines
on some sex trafficker's yacht.
What?
I'm undocumented, not Liam Neeson's daughter.
Hey, Sayid.
Whatcha doing?
I left my lunch in the car.
Cool.
Well, looks yummy for your tummy.
Apple a day. Ha ha.
Do you think he heard us?
You literally called yourself "undocumented."
- Yeah, I know. - 'Cause if he did,
then he might tell Dina or Glenn or corporate...
Yeah, there's a lot of people he could tell.
Welcome to the big time, huh?
You like shrimp cocktail?
Well, prepare to be happy,
because there's shrimp cocktail.
Wow, this is not at all what I expected.
Well, you know, they call it a conference,
but it's really just a ball's-out party.
I mean, one of us is gonna end up puking
before the night is over.
- Probably me. - Hmm.
Well, thanks so much for showing us around, Jeff.
I'm sure you gotta go mingle.
Yes, good idea, I don't want anybody to feel excluded.
I'm gonna take a quick lap, say a few hellos,
and I'll see you guys by the ice sculpture.
Oh, no... you... we don't really have to...
Kristy, what up?
Don't look at me like that. I did all the heavy lifting.
You can finish it up at home. Happy holidays.
Next.
That is your idea of gift wrapping?
I don't believe in gift wrapping.
If I go through the trouble of getting you a gift,
that should be enough.
Now you want me to waste time, waste paper,
just so you can rip it shreds and be just as surprised
as if I just handed you the gift unwrapped?
I don't think so.
You don't know how to wrap a gift.
I do not.
So, Syria, huh?
That sounds rough. You see any action?
Action?
Yeah, like drone strikes,
IUDS, big, loud explosions?
That must have killed your hearing.
My hearing's good.
Hmm.
Can you hear this?
Yes.
How about this?
- Yes. - Oh, cool.
Well, I'm glad everything's intact.
I just wanted to lie in bed, order room service,
and watch pay-per-view.
We still will. We'll sneak out of here
as soon as Jeff moves away from the doors.
He's been standing there for like, 20 minutes.
He's just parked there waiting for someone to talk to him.
It's so sad.
You'd think someone would let the poor guy
in on a conversation.
Yeah, well, everyone here's a d-bag anyway, so...
- Not everyone. - Everyone here is a d-bag.
This is a room full of d-bags.
- Come on. - He's a d-bag.
He's a d-bag. She's a triple d-bag.
These are the kind of people who come here every year,
they eat 1/2 million dollars' worth of shrimp cocktail,
and then they tell us that they can't afford maternity leave.
These are just ordinary, boring people.
- D-bags. - Watch... watch.
- What are you... - Howdy.
I'm Colt McCann.
Down here abouts from, uh...
Burlington, Vermont. That's weird.
- Ted Morrison. - Hey, Ted.
- Kent Ostrofsky. - Hey, Kent.
Chien Mon Koh. Family name.
- Ah! - So, Chien and I
were just talking about a $15 minimum wage.
How y'all feel about that?
Ask me, the floor workers
are barely worth 15 bucks a week.
Don't even get me started.
"Pay us more. Give us more hours.
"I'm on food stamps." It's endless.
Yeah, tho... those guys, huh?
- Ugh. Yeah. - They really should let us
kill one of those entitled brats each year.
You know, just to keep us sane.
That's exactly what they should do.
- That's a good idea. - Ugh, I hate them so much.
These are funny jokes.
We need to fortify these two weak spots with tape.
The whole thing is tape at this point.
Just do it, it's not like society's in a tape shortage.
Oh, this is a good, long piece, yeah.
Oh, no you've taped my hand to the gift.
Hmm?
So... Syria, huh?
Why does everyone here start conversations like that?
Ha.
You know, I'm actually an immigrant, too.
Not a refugee, like you. Knock on wood.
Just a regular, undocumented immigrant.
Or is it "documented"?
I'm always mixing those up.
I think it's like inflammable-flammable,
where they mean the same thing?
No, they're opposites.
Anyway, I'm definitely the legal kind.
Came here legally, took the citizenship test,
got sworn in by the president.
The president swore you in?
Uh-huh, yeah.
Yeah.
They, um, they do it personally.
At least they used to.
Which president?
God, it's been so long, I don't even remember.
One of the white ones?
I wanna say... Henderson.
Yes.
He's pretending to see people he knows across the room,
but there's no one there.
Hey, buddy. There he is.
- I didn't know you were here. - Now's our chance.
- Go, go, go, go, go, go. - Okay, okay, okay!
Would you like an iPad?
You mean, to buy?
No, they're free.
You're just... you're just offering to give me an iPad?
Well, not just you. All the managers.
Well, I am a manager.
I am Chien Mon Koh.
That's fine, take one.
Okay, then, I will take this iPad.
Go right ahead.
I'm gonna go now.
Okay.
Oh, my God, I can't believe
they're just giving out iPads.
Yeah, you played that very cool, by the way.
Wait a second. Is everybody in a green polo
- just giving away free stuff? - I guess.
You know what they're also giving out for free?
Nice hotel rooms with bathrobes and room service.
Yes, yes. We should go.
- Great. - I'm just gonna go get
one of those fancy wine openers real quick.
Amy... Chien!
Oh, yes. This is perfect for Aspen.
I go once a year.
It's just gotten really overrun by tourists recently.
What's going on here?
Just trying on these $300 coats they're giving away.
- Ah. - He'll take one too.
That's okay, I don't need a woman's coat.
Well, you can take one for your 15-year-old daughter, Emma.
I'll take one coat, please.
By the way, speaking of free things,
it's an open bar.
Oh. Thank you.
- Uno. - Dos.
- Tres. - Cuatro.
L'chaim.
- Oh. - Ugh.
Why are we doing this?
Two more, please.
Howdy, partner.
Switch.
Wait, wait, wait.
Oh, thank you. Nice.
Mmm. Wow, that is what I would imagine
a cloud would taste like.
What does that even mean?
- Switch. - Oh.
- Mm? - Oh, that's a cloud!
That's terrifying.
Here.
- Whoo. - Whoop.
And boom.
So, I think you just step...
Oh, that looks nice.
Oh, yes, thank you.
You put the mushroom
on the mini grilled cheese sandwich,
and then they all go in at the same time.
Oh, that definitely looks like an orgy's going on in there.
- Who holds the bag? - Oh, I'll hold the bag.
- You've got the vest. - Oh, that's great.
Whoa, it's like we're really in a grocery store.
I feel like technology is solving problems we don't even have.
"Best friends" on three.
One... two... best friends.
Okay, so, after the twirl,
you just pull the ribbon through
and... voila.
- Easy-peasy. - Okay, I guess.
Yeah, I mean, if you're going for something
that's kind of generic-looking.
Cheyenne, I can't believe
you didn't tell me you were pregnant.
Cheyenne, you're pregnant?
Obviously she is. Look at her boobs.
- Whoa! - I'm not pregnant.
But Sayid said...
That guy's always making up stuff about people.
Huh?
I mean, it's... it's not his fault.
Uh, it's a cultural thing.
You know, lying is a big part of Syrian culture.
I've never heard that, and I've slept with a ton of Syrian dudes.
Wait, is that where the phrase,
"lying like a Syrian" comes from, Mateo?
Oh, you know, now that you mention it,
that makes sense. Yes, Cheyenne.
Wow, what a completely natural conversation,
Cheyenne and Mateo.
Sayid never mentioned anything about lying when I interviewed him.
Then again, if he was a liar, he wouldn't have.
- Mmm. - But if he wasn't a liar,
he wouldn't have either, so... oh, this is a pickle.
Hold on, so when Sayid said he liked my haircut...
Yep, lying like a Syrian.
Damn it. Do you guys like my hair?
- Eh. - Eh.
Phew. Thanks, I was worried.
I said, "Make me look like Jeff Probst."
I know it's so bad for your teeth,
but I love chewing on ice.
You have so many interests that I don't know about.
So cold.
Oh, look, look, look, look.
- It's our best friends. - Ted! Kent!
Get over here you sons of bitches.
Oh, damn are we getting turnt over here?
- Turnt! - Oh yeah,
we are getting turnt.
We were just laughing about the fact that
we get all this free stuff,
and the floor workers get nothing.
Yeah, that is pretty funny.
- Yeah, yeah? - All right, all right.
Here's a joke: How many floor workers
does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
- How many? - Shut up! You're fired.
I don't even get it.
Me neither, Kent, me neither.
Not as good as your elves, huh?
Huh?
'Cause you look like Santa Claus.
And you look like a dick.
Surprising.
Okay, what's the difference between a floor worker
- and a two-legged chair? - Here we go.
Two-legged chair don't make $8.50 an hour for being useless.
Shut up! You're fired.
- It's just getting better! - Hey, Bill, get over here.
This guy's throwing rocks tonight.
Oh, I got one, I got one.
How do you get out of giving benefits
- to a full-time employee? - How?
Make them two part-time employees.
Boom! Chien is killing it.
That's actually a good idea, though.
Yeah, you just tell every full-timer
that they're now actually two part-timers... you save a ton.
I wasn't actually suggesting...
Hey, we should get Tracey in legal on this.
- Yeah. Hey, Tracey. - Yeah?
You gotta hear this good idea that Chien Mon Koh just had.
You know what?
I think I just see someone I know.
- Tracey, come here! - Hassan, hi.
- Hold on, Chien. - Come on.
Why are you telling people
that I'm "lying like a Syrian"?
Um, I don't think I ever said...
What is that? That is not a saying.
Who told you that? Was this Marcus?
'Cause that guy is...
Okay, fine.
I just... I know you heard me
talking about being undocumented.
You mean, President Henderson
didn't personally swear you in?
No, I don't even think Henderson was still alive when I came here.
I was nervous that you might turn me in,
so ironically, I was the one who started lying like a Syrian.
Again, that is not a real saying.
And why would I wanna turn you in?
It's none of my business.
I don't know, maybe you were afraid of getting into trouble.
Like not saying anything
might somehow make you my accomplice.
Oh.
But you're not.
You are just an innocent bystander.
Yes, in my experience,
nothing ever happens to innocent bystanders.
Look, Sayid, Sayid, don't worry about it.
What are they gonna do, deport you for not ratting me out?
I can honestly say that that thought
had not occurred to me.
Sayid, where you going?
To the back. I have work to do.
I'll come with.
I might have to go to the men's room first.
We'll both go.
Mateo, Sayid seems to think that you're undocumented
and that you've been working in this store illegally.
What? That... that's crazy.
Why would he... wait, is today November 29th?
Yeah.
It's Syrian April Fool's Day.
That guy... I am gonna go shaving cream his locker.
Okay, I didn't believe him at first, so I checked.
Did you know that your social security number
belongs to a Polish woman from Buffalo?
So, unless your name is Nadia Kedzierski,
we have a problem.
Oh, this isn't my social security number.
Must've got put in wrong.
Oh, okay.
Well, I'm relieved to hear that.
So, if you could just enter your real one.
I don't think you're supposed to give out...
Okay, Mateo, I'm not kidding.
Okay... well, that's only five numbers, like a zip code.
Um, you need four more.
Uh, it's, uh, the last four, uh, is, um, two...
- Two. - Nine...
- Nine. - Nine...
- Nine. - Nine.
Okay, I'll just run this through E-Verify.
Thanks.
- Wow. - Yeah.
You know, of all the times we made love,
we never made anything this beautiful.
Why would you say that?
So, can I...
You can get another one in aisle six.
Yeah, but we're not gonna wrap it.
We're going out on top.
Okay, I'll go get another.
- Just get another one. - Okay.
Ugh.
Can you believe these are the idiots
who lead this company?
Not exactly the best and brightest.
And they get paid ten times as much as us.
And they get better benefits
and free aroma-therapy diffusers.
They don't even have to pay for their aroma-therapy diffusers.
How is that fair?
Maybe you should be a manager.
Yeah, right?
Why not?
I mean, they have those training seminars.
They love bragging about how they promote from within.
And like you said,
these people are not rocket scientists.
I'm a single mom, and I just had a second baby.
It's not exactly the best time to make a big life change.
Ah.
When is?
Do you think we'll still be friends when I get sent back to the Philippines?
Of course we're still gonna be friends.
Ooh, maybe I could come visit you.
I hear they have nice beaches and really cheap massages.
I bet I could get a deal on a ticket if I book it far enough in advance.
Cheyenne, I'm about to be deported,
and you're planning your vacation.
Sorry.
But hotels are super inexpensive, right?
Oh, my God, so affordable.
- That's what I heard. - Yeah, it's great.
Mateo, could we talk?
Sure.
So, I ran your social security number...
- Okay, look, I know it's... - And it checked out.
It did?
Yep, it did.
So, that's... that?
Merry Christmas, Mateo.
You've been legal this whole time?
How much attention do you need?