1 00:00:04,273 --> 00:00:06,553 "Cloud 9 Management Summit 2018." 2 00:00:06,554 --> 00:00:09,911 Yeah, managers, district managers, 3 00:00:09,913 --> 00:00:12,296 assistant managers, regional managers... 4 00:00:12,298 --> 00:00:14,912 - A lot of managers. - A ton of managers, big fella. 5 00:00:15,483 --> 00:00:17,285 Anyway, Dina I can't go this year, 6 00:00:17,287 --> 00:00:20,021 'cause, you know, her goldfinch is in hospice, 7 00:00:20,023 --> 00:00:22,623 poor thing. And my in-laws are in town, 8 00:00:22,625 --> 00:00:24,826 which is... unpleasant. 9 00:00:24,828 --> 00:00:27,439 But anyway, two tickets up for grabs. 10 00:00:27,440 --> 00:00:29,429 Oh, that's so kind of you to offer, 11 00:00:29,430 --> 00:00:30,898 but I think I'm gonna pass. 12 00:00:30,900 --> 00:00:34,552 Yeah, and I-I would go, but it sounds terrible. 13 00:00:34,554 --> 00:00:36,471 Oh, okay. 14 00:00:36,473 --> 00:00:38,406 Well, I'm sure you don't wanna leave 15 00:00:38,408 --> 00:00:40,375 your baby overnight anyway, right? 16 00:00:40,377 --> 00:00:41,392 It's overnight? 17 00:00:41,394 --> 00:00:43,010 Oh, yeah, it's in Chicago. 18 00:00:43,012 --> 00:00:44,929 The put you up in a hotel, which I hate, 19 00:00:44,931 --> 00:00:46,239 'cause they're always washing the sheets. 20 00:00:46,240 --> 00:00:48,666 You never get a chance to have that nice, lived-in feel. 21 00:00:48,668 --> 00:00:50,051 Yeah, we're gonna take these tickets. 22 00:00:50,053 --> 00:00:51,886 - Thank you. - Oh, great. 23 00:00:51,888 --> 00:00:53,821 And it works out perfect because, you know, 24 00:00:53,823 --> 00:00:55,523 you two are a hot item now, 25 00:00:55,525 --> 00:00:58,493 and they only give you one hotel room per store. 26 00:00:58,495 --> 00:01:00,782 So, you and Dina would have had to share a room? 27 00:01:00,783 --> 00:01:01,737 Yeah, yeah. 28 00:01:01,738 --> 00:01:03,310 We managed to make it work last year. 29 00:01:03,311 --> 00:01:04,586 I just read a book in the bathtub 30 00:01:04,587 --> 00:01:06,690 while she made love to the bellhop. 31 00:01:10,135 --> 00:01:13,308 Synced and corrected by hawken45 for www.addic7ed.com 32 00:01:15,111 --> 00:01:17,245 I can't wait to get in to our room 33 00:01:17,247 --> 00:01:18,729 and take a long, hot bath. 34 00:01:18,731 --> 00:01:20,611 Yeah, mm-hmm. Maybe I'll join you. 35 00:01:20,612 --> 00:01:21,676 Ooh, maybe. 36 00:01:22,348 --> 00:01:24,252 Although, I really would rather just take it by myself, 37 00:01:24,254 --> 00:01:25,319 if that's okay... 38 00:01:25,321 --> 00:01:26,704 Oh, yeah... no. 39 00:01:26,706 --> 00:01:28,489 I already took a shower this morning anyway. 40 00:01:28,491 --> 00:01:30,725 I don't see Amy Sosa or Jonah Simms on the list. 41 00:01:30,727 --> 00:01:32,527 Oh, check under Glenn Sturgis. 42 00:01:32,529 --> 00:01:33,740 He gave us his tickets. 43 00:01:33,741 --> 00:01:36,164 I'm sorry, the tickets are non-transferable. 44 00:01:36,594 --> 00:01:39,000 Uh, where does it say that? 45 00:01:39,002 --> 00:01:40,422 Right here on the ticket. 46 00:01:40,423 --> 00:01:41,602 Oh, look at that. 47 00:01:41,741 --> 00:01:44,071 Not even in fine print, just right there 48 00:01:44,073 --> 00:01:45,890 in big, bold letters. 49 00:01:46,280 --> 00:01:47,759 Guys? Hey, guys. 50 00:01:48,654 --> 00:01:52,613 Corporate is asking us to run everybody through E-Verify, 51 00:01:52,615 --> 00:01:55,148 and there's a bit of a problem. 52 00:01:55,149 --> 00:01:57,101 - What? - What's E-Verify? 53 00:01:57,103 --> 00:01:59,086 It's a registry for sex offenders. 54 00:01:59,088 --> 00:02:00,922 No, it's for undocumented immigrants. 55 00:02:00,924 --> 00:02:02,143 Why not sex offenders? 56 00:02:02,144 --> 00:02:03,991 Because it's not illegal to hire a sex offender, 57 00:02:03,993 --> 00:02:06,244 but it is illegal to hire an undocumented immigrant. 58 00:02:06,246 --> 00:02:09,063 Well, I've heard that E-Verify is full of bugs. 59 00:02:09,065 --> 00:02:10,898 Just lots and lots of bugs. 60 00:02:10,900 --> 00:02:13,668 They're not bugs, Cheyenne. They're human beings. 61 00:02:13,670 --> 00:02:16,364 But we do need to talk. 62 00:02:16,365 --> 00:02:18,289 Me? Or Sayid? 63 00:02:18,291 --> 00:02:19,607 You probably meant Sayid. 64 00:02:19,609 --> 00:02:21,013 Sayid, Glenn wants to talk to you. 65 00:02:21,014 --> 00:02:22,677 Yeah, I meant Sayid. 66 00:02:23,394 --> 00:02:24,412 Good. 67 00:02:24,414 --> 00:02:26,109 That's what I said. Yeah. 68 00:02:26,449 --> 00:02:28,032 We're all saying the same thing. 69 00:02:28,034 --> 00:02:30,651 Sayid, I think you're getting deported. 70 00:02:30,653 --> 00:02:32,153 But I'm not undocumented. 71 00:02:32,155 --> 00:02:32,956 Of course you're not. 72 00:02:32,957 --> 00:02:34,636 He's a refugee. You have to enter his info 73 00:02:34,637 --> 00:02:35,540 on a different page. 74 00:02:35,541 --> 00:02:38,960 A refugee? Oh, I had no idea. 75 00:02:38,962 --> 00:02:40,895 So, what crime did you commit? 76 00:02:40,897 --> 00:02:42,427 I committed no crime. 77 00:02:42,428 --> 00:02:43,813 Then why are you on the run? 78 00:02:43,814 --> 00:02:46,267 I'm a refugee, not a fugitive. 79 00:02:46,602 --> 00:02:48,669 I was fleeing the civil war in Syria. 80 00:02:48,671 --> 00:02:50,371 Whoa, what was Syria like? 81 00:02:50,373 --> 00:02:53,268 Not good. Seriously, not good. 82 00:02:53,269 --> 00:02:55,910 Yeah, there's all sorts of, like, rampant destruction 83 00:02:55,912 --> 00:02:58,679 and beheadings and locusts, right? 84 00:02:58,681 --> 00:03:00,948 Yes, though the locusts had nothing to do with the war. 85 00:03:00,950 --> 00:03:02,550 They're a seasonal nuisance. 86 00:03:02,552 --> 00:03:04,452 Hey, what are your thoughts on the movie, "Syriana"? 87 00:03:04,454 --> 00:03:07,038 I thought George Clooney was pretty okay, 88 00:03:07,040 --> 00:03:09,305 and Matt Damon was just okay. 89 00:03:09,375 --> 00:03:10,925 Did you own slaves? 90 00:03:10,927 --> 00:03:13,194 Cheyenne, why would you ask that? 91 00:03:13,196 --> 00:03:15,263 He said he was part of a civil war. 92 00:03:15,265 --> 00:03:17,331 Our Civil War was about slavery. 93 00:03:17,333 --> 00:03:19,767 Actually, the Civil War was not about slavery. 94 00:03:19,769 --> 00:03:22,353 - That's a misconception. - No, not a misconception. 95 00:03:22,355 --> 00:03:24,360 - Good people can disagree. - Wrong. 96 00:03:24,415 --> 00:03:26,307 You are not a good person if you disagree. 97 00:03:26,309 --> 00:03:29,197 The point is, Sayid, you're home now. 98 00:03:29,759 --> 00:03:33,168 And on behalf of everyone in America, we welcome you. 99 00:03:35,285 --> 00:03:37,718 Come on, clap harder. He's been through stuff. 100 00:03:40,588 --> 00:03:43,758 Well, at least you got away from the baby for a few hours. 101 00:03:43,760 --> 00:03:46,060 I mean, nothing against your baby... he's great. 102 00:03:46,062 --> 00:03:47,523 Yeah, no, he's the best. 103 00:03:47,524 --> 00:03:50,965 Uh-oh, who let these dogs out? 104 00:03:50,967 --> 00:03:52,416 - Hey, Jeff. - Jeff. 105 00:03:52,418 --> 00:03:53,044 Hi, guys. 106 00:03:53,045 --> 00:03:54,235 Are you here for the conference? 107 00:03:54,236 --> 00:03:55,320 That's awesome. 108 00:03:55,321 --> 00:03:56,667 Well, we were supposed to be, 109 00:03:56,668 --> 00:03:59,040 but apparently it's just for managers. 110 00:04:00,059 --> 00:04:02,865 Um... let me take care of that for ya. 111 00:04:04,847 --> 00:04:07,331 Hey, Denise, these are friends of mine, 112 00:04:07,333 --> 00:04:08,762 so I can vouch for them. 113 00:04:09,411 --> 00:04:10,417 I don't know who you are. 114 00:04:10,418 --> 00:04:11,852 What? 115 00:04:11,854 --> 00:04:13,888 We've met, like, a million times. 116 00:04:13,890 --> 00:04:15,923 Okay, I'm just gonna say what everyone's thinking. 117 00:04:15,925 --> 00:04:19,210 How do we know he's not, you know, ISIS? 118 00:04:19,212 --> 00:04:20,061 What's ISIS? 119 00:04:20,462 --> 00:04:22,947 Are you... you haven't heard of ISIS? 120 00:04:23,626 --> 00:04:25,199 Are you even on Instagram? 121 00:04:25,201 --> 00:04:27,768 Relax, they vet these guys for years. 122 00:04:27,770 --> 00:04:29,437 I mean, truthfully, out of everyone in this store, 123 00:04:29,439 --> 00:04:32,239 Sayid is the one person I'm sure isn't a terrorist. 124 00:04:32,241 --> 00:04:33,941 You think I could be a terrorist? 125 00:04:33,943 --> 00:04:35,457 Yeah, I definitely think you could be a terrorist. 126 00:04:35,458 --> 00:04:36,744 - Definitely. - Oh, yeah. 127 00:04:36,745 --> 00:04:38,424 I would not rent you a U-Haul, ever. 128 00:04:38,425 --> 00:04:39,288 Where's Sayid? 129 00:04:39,289 --> 00:04:40,488 I told him to shovel out front. 130 00:04:40,489 --> 00:04:41,347 What? 131 00:04:41,758 --> 00:04:43,425 Hasn't he been through enough? 132 00:04:43,553 --> 00:04:46,737 I mean, the last thing he needs is to be thrown out in the cold 133 00:04:46,739 --> 00:04:48,494 like... like he's some nothing. 134 00:04:48,791 --> 00:04:50,717 Mateo, go take over for Sayid. 135 00:04:50,718 --> 00:04:51,946 Me? Wha... 136 00:04:52,916 --> 00:04:54,128 You know what? I can't. 137 00:04:54,130 --> 00:04:56,230 - I am on holiday wrapping duty. - No problem. 138 00:04:56,232 --> 00:04:58,082 Garrett, could you take over for Mateo, please? 139 00:04:58,084 --> 00:04:59,274 Or we can just cut out the middle man 140 00:04:59,275 --> 00:05:00,705 and have Garrett shovel the snow. 141 00:05:00,706 --> 00:05:02,536 What? How am I supposed to do that? 142 00:05:02,538 --> 00:05:04,505 I mean, we have snow tires. 143 00:05:05,423 --> 00:05:06,997 Okay, I want everybody to remember this 144 00:05:06,998 --> 00:05:08,123 the next time somebody says 145 00:05:08,124 --> 00:05:10,194 - "Garrett can do anything." - Wow. 146 00:05:10,195 --> 00:05:14,010 Okay, here are your lanyards and your room keys. 147 00:05:14,011 --> 00:05:16,475 Sometimes you just gotta grease the right palms. 148 00:05:16,476 --> 00:05:18,626 Really? 'Cause it sort of looked like you just waited 149 00:05:18,627 --> 00:05:21,455 till her back was turned and stole these off the table. 150 00:05:21,456 --> 00:05:22,679 Eagle eyes over here. 151 00:05:22,680 --> 00:05:23,143 Okay. 152 00:05:23,144 --> 00:05:26,223 And what happens when the real "Colt McCann" 153 00:05:26,224 --> 00:05:28,867 and "Chien Mon Koh" try to get in? 154 00:05:28,868 --> 00:05:30,943 Who cares? You guys want 'em or not? 155 00:05:30,944 --> 00:05:32,401 - Okay. - I mean, thank you? 156 00:05:32,402 --> 00:05:33,417 Yes, yes, yes! 157 00:05:33,418 --> 00:05:34,609 We're gonna have a great time together. 158 00:05:34,610 --> 00:05:35,757 - Come on, come on, come on... - No, no, no. 159 00:05:35,758 --> 00:05:37,296 I think we're just gonna meet you in there later on. 160 00:05:37,297 --> 00:05:39,088 Yeah, we were just gonna check in, 161 00:05:39,089 --> 00:05:41,373 settle into the room. It was a really long drive. 162 00:05:41,374 --> 00:05:42,299 No, no, no, no. 163 00:05:42,300 --> 00:05:43,747 There's plenty of time for that later. 164 00:05:43,748 --> 00:05:45,531 Time to get our party on. 165 00:05:45,533 --> 00:05:47,767 Whoop-whoop. Let's do it. 166 00:05:49,237 --> 00:05:50,030 Wait... 167 00:05:51,739 --> 00:05:53,989 And go. Go, go, go, go. 168 00:05:56,124 --> 00:05:57,139 It's so unfair. 169 00:05:57,475 --> 00:05:58,734 I'm stuck outside shoveling snow 170 00:05:58,735 --> 00:06:00,093 while Sayid gets treated like he's 171 00:06:00,117 --> 00:06:02,619 part of Janet Jackson's entourage, or something. 172 00:06:02,620 --> 00:06:04,685 I know, he's safe and sound now. 173 00:06:04,686 --> 00:06:07,238 If anyone deserves special treatment, it's you. 174 00:06:07,240 --> 00:06:08,906 Right? Thank you. 175 00:06:08,908 --> 00:06:12,452 I mean, you could be deported literally at any moment, 176 00:06:12,453 --> 00:06:14,246 just taken back to the Philippines 177 00:06:14,247 --> 00:06:16,297 on some sex trafficker's yacht. 178 00:06:16,299 --> 00:06:16,917 What? 179 00:06:17,750 --> 00:06:20,418 I'm undocumented, not Liam Neeson's daughter. 180 00:06:22,221 --> 00:06:23,752 Hey, Sayid. 181 00:06:25,091 --> 00:06:26,223 Whatcha doing? 182 00:06:26,542 --> 00:06:28,392 I left my lunch in the car. 183 00:06:28,394 --> 00:06:29,594 Cool. 184 00:06:29,933 --> 00:06:31,562 Well, looks yummy for your tummy. 185 00:06:33,266 --> 00:06:34,701 Apple a day. Ha ha. 186 00:06:35,602 --> 00:06:37,101 Do you think he heard us? 187 00:06:37,103 --> 00:06:39,654 You literally called yourself "undocumented." 188 00:06:39,656 --> 00:06:41,238 - Yeah, I know. - 'Cause if he did, 189 00:06:41,240 --> 00:06:44,108 then he might tell Dina or Glenn or corporate... 190 00:06:44,110 --> 00:06:45,943 Yeah, there's a lot of people he could tell. 191 00:06:45,945 --> 00:06:48,613 Welcome to the big time, huh? 192 00:06:48,615 --> 00:06:49,780 You like shrimp cocktail? 193 00:06:49,782 --> 00:06:50,948 Well, prepare to be happy, 194 00:06:50,950 --> 00:06:52,783 because there's shrimp cocktail. 195 00:06:52,785 --> 00:06:55,463 Wow, this is not at all what I expected. 196 00:06:55,464 --> 00:06:57,171 Well, you know, they call it a conference, 197 00:06:57,172 --> 00:06:59,114 but it's really just a ball's-out party. 198 00:06:59,115 --> 00:07:01,529 I mean, one of us is gonna end up puking 199 00:07:01,530 --> 00:07:02,912 before the night is over. 200 00:07:02,914 --> 00:07:04,530 - Probably me. - Hmm. 201 00:07:04,532 --> 00:07:07,199 Well, thanks so much for showing us around, Jeff. 202 00:07:07,201 --> 00:07:08,423 I'm sure you gotta go mingle. 203 00:07:08,424 --> 00:07:10,669 Yes, good idea, I don't want anybody to feel excluded. 204 00:07:10,671 --> 00:07:12,538 I'm gonna take a quick lap, say a few hellos, 205 00:07:12,540 --> 00:07:13,889 and I'll see you guys by the ice sculpture. 206 00:07:13,890 --> 00:07:15,875 Oh, no... you... we don't really have to... 207 00:07:15,877 --> 00:07:16,926 Kristy, what up? 208 00:07:19,108 --> 00:07:21,261 Don't look at me like that. I did all the heavy lifting. 209 00:07:21,262 --> 00:07:22,791 You can finish it up at home. Happy holidays. 210 00:07:22,792 --> 00:07:23,550 Next. 211 00:07:24,792 --> 00:07:26,376 That is your idea of gift wrapping? 212 00:07:26,377 --> 00:07:27,790 I don't believe in gift wrapping. 213 00:07:27,869 --> 00:07:29,663 If I go through the trouble of getting you a gift, 214 00:07:29,664 --> 00:07:30,784 that should be enough. 215 00:07:30,785 --> 00:07:32,892 Now you want me to waste time, waste paper, 216 00:07:32,893 --> 00:07:35,227 just so you can rip it shreds and be just as surprised 217 00:07:35,229 --> 00:07:37,284 as if I just handed you the gift unwrapped? 218 00:07:37,402 --> 00:07:38,233 I don't think so. 219 00:07:38,234 --> 00:07:39,414 You don't know how to wrap a gift. 220 00:07:39,415 --> 00:07:40,353 I do not. 221 00:07:42,371 --> 00:07:44,781 So, Syria, huh? 222 00:07:45,117 --> 00:07:48,074 That sounds rough. You see any action? 223 00:07:48,076 --> 00:07:48,883 Action? 224 00:07:48,884 --> 00:07:51,293 Yeah, like drone strikes, 225 00:07:51,295 --> 00:07:53,909 IUDS, big, loud explosions? 226 00:07:54,415 --> 00:07:56,182 That must have killed your hearing. 227 00:07:56,183 --> 00:07:57,389 My hearing's good. 228 00:07:57,390 --> 00:07:58,112 Hmm. 229 00:08:00,054 --> 00:08:01,420 Can you hear this? 230 00:08:01,422 --> 00:08:02,348 Yes. 231 00:08:03,811 --> 00:08:05,761 How about this? 232 00:08:05,833 --> 00:08:07,331 - Yes. - Oh, cool. 233 00:08:07,332 --> 00:08:09,363 Well, I'm glad everything's intact. 234 00:08:14,402 --> 00:08:17,103 I just wanted to lie in bed, order room service, 235 00:08:17,105 --> 00:08:18,437 and watch pay-per-view. 236 00:08:18,439 --> 00:08:20,406 We still will. We'll sneak out of here 237 00:08:20,408 --> 00:08:22,274 as soon as Jeff moves away from the doors. 238 00:08:22,276 --> 00:08:23,943 He's been standing there for like, 20 minutes. 239 00:08:23,945 --> 00:08:26,112 He's just parked there waiting for someone to talk to him. 240 00:08:26,114 --> 00:08:26,828 It's so sad. 241 00:08:26,829 --> 00:08:28,501 You'd think someone would let the poor guy 242 00:08:28,502 --> 00:08:29,692 in on a conversation. 243 00:08:29,693 --> 00:08:31,790 Yeah, well, everyone here's a d-bag anyway, so... 244 00:08:31,791 --> 00:08:34,507 - Not everyone. - Everyone here is a d-bag. 245 00:08:34,508 --> 00:08:36,533 This is a room full of d-bags. 246 00:08:36,534 --> 00:08:38,290 - Come on. - He's a d-bag. 247 00:08:38,292 --> 00:08:41,102 He's a d-bag. She's a triple d-bag. 248 00:08:41,103 --> 00:08:43,193 These are the kind of people who come here every year, 249 00:08:43,194 --> 00:08:45,798 they eat 1/2 million dollars' worth of shrimp cocktail, 250 00:08:45,800 --> 00:08:48,336 and then they tell us that they can't afford maternity leave. 251 00:08:48,337 --> 00:08:50,929 These are just ordinary, boring people. 252 00:08:50,930 --> 00:08:52,638 - D-bags. - Watch... watch. 253 00:08:52,640 --> 00:08:53,929 - What are you... - Howdy. 254 00:08:53,930 --> 00:08:55,724 I'm Colt McCann. 255 00:08:55,725 --> 00:08:57,385 Down here abouts from, uh... 256 00:08:58,980 --> 00:09:01,614 Burlington, Vermont. That's weird. 257 00:09:01,616 --> 00:09:03,140 - Ted Morrison. - Hey, Ted. 258 00:09:03,141 --> 00:09:05,151 - Kent Ostrofsky. - Hey, Kent. 259 00:09:05,153 --> 00:09:07,254 Chien Mon Koh. Family name. 260 00:09:07,255 --> 00:09:08,649 - Ah! - So, Chien and I 261 00:09:08,650 --> 00:09:11,991 were just talking about a $15 minimum wage. 262 00:09:11,993 --> 00:09:13,375 How y'all feel about that? 263 00:09:13,377 --> 00:09:14,867 Ask me, the floor workers 264 00:09:14,868 --> 00:09:16,996 are barely worth 15 bucks a week. 265 00:09:16,998 --> 00:09:18,140 Don't even get me started. 266 00:09:18,141 --> 00:09:19,745 "Pay us more. Give us more hours. 267 00:09:19,746 --> 00:09:21,868 "I'm on food stamps." It's endless. 268 00:09:21,869 --> 00:09:24,303 Yeah, tho... those guys, huh? 269 00:09:24,305 --> 00:09:25,671 - Ugh. Yeah. - They really should let us 270 00:09:25,673 --> 00:09:27,917 kill one of those entitled brats each year. 271 00:09:28,176 --> 00:09:29,675 You know, just to keep us sane. 272 00:09:29,677 --> 00:09:31,158 That's exactly what they should do. 273 00:09:31,159 --> 00:09:34,040 - That's a good idea. - Ugh, I hate them so much. 274 00:09:34,041 --> 00:09:35,376 These are funny jokes. 275 00:09:36,900 --> 00:09:38,901 We need to fortify these two weak spots with tape. 276 00:09:38,902 --> 00:09:40,477 The whole thing is tape at this point. 277 00:09:40,478 --> 00:09:43,405 Just do it, it's not like society's in a tape shortage. 278 00:09:43,407 --> 00:09:45,241 Oh, this is a good, long piece, yeah. 279 00:09:45,243 --> 00:09:47,466 Oh, no you've taped my hand to the gift. 280 00:09:47,467 --> 00:09:49,161 Hmm? 281 00:09:52,033 --> 00:09:54,917 So... Syria, huh? 282 00:09:54,919 --> 00:09:57,670 Why does everyone here start conversations like that? 283 00:09:57,672 --> 00:09:59,082 Ha. 284 00:09:59,083 --> 00:10:01,349 You know, I'm actually an immigrant, too. 285 00:10:01,676 --> 00:10:03,746 Not a refugee, like you. Knock on wood. 286 00:10:04,990 --> 00:10:07,387 Just a regular, undocumented immigrant. 287 00:10:07,694 --> 00:10:09,243 Or is it "documented"? 288 00:10:09,433 --> 00:10:11,217 I'm always mixing those up. 289 00:10:11,266 --> 00:10:13,657 I think it's like inflammable-flammable, 290 00:10:13,713 --> 00:10:14,830 where they mean the same thing? 291 00:10:14,831 --> 00:10:16,102 No, they're opposites. 292 00:10:16,440 --> 00:10:19,215 Anyway, I'm definitely the legal kind. 293 00:10:19,527 --> 00:10:22,278 Came here legally, took the citizenship test, 294 00:10:22,280 --> 00:10:24,073 got sworn in by the president. 295 00:10:24,365 --> 00:10:26,038 The president swore you in? 296 00:10:26,593 --> 00:10:28,061 Uh-huh, yeah. 297 00:10:28,569 --> 00:10:29,145 Yeah. 298 00:10:29,317 --> 00:10:31,460 They, um, they do it personally. 299 00:10:31,461 --> 00:10:32,628 At least they used to. 300 00:10:33,074 --> 00:10:34,201 Which president? 301 00:10:35,147 --> 00:10:38,590 God, it's been so long, I don't even remember. 302 00:10:39,791 --> 00:10:41,179 One of the white ones? 303 00:10:41,966 --> 00:10:44,255 I wanna say... Henderson. 304 00:10:44,719 --> 00:10:46,552 Yes. 305 00:10:47,424 --> 00:10:50,089 He's pretending to see people he knows across the room, 306 00:10:50,091 --> 00:10:51,307 but there's no one there. 307 00:10:51,309 --> 00:10:53,632 Hey, buddy. There he is. 308 00:10:53,633 --> 00:10:55,283 - I didn't know you were here. - Now's our chance. 309 00:10:55,284 --> 00:10:57,263 - Go, go, go, go, go, go. - Okay, okay, okay! 310 00:10:58,516 --> 00:10:59,916 Would you like an iPad? 311 00:11:00,877 --> 00:11:02,268 You mean, to buy? 312 00:11:02,270 --> 00:11:03,479 No, they're free. 313 00:11:04,105 --> 00:11:07,489 You're just... you're just offering to give me an iPad? 314 00:11:07,491 --> 00:11:10,109 Well, not just you. All the managers. 315 00:11:10,111 --> 00:11:11,803 Well, I am a manager. 316 00:11:11,804 --> 00:11:13,946 I am Chien Mon Koh. 317 00:11:13,948 --> 00:11:15,664 That's fine, take one. 318 00:11:15,666 --> 00:11:19,168 Okay, then, I will take this iPad. 319 00:11:19,170 --> 00:11:20,252 Go right ahead. 320 00:11:20,254 --> 00:11:21,696 I'm gonna go now. 321 00:11:21,697 --> 00:11:22,755 Okay. 322 00:11:25,126 --> 00:11:26,592 Oh, my God, I can't believe 323 00:11:26,594 --> 00:11:27,659 they're just giving out iPads. 324 00:11:27,660 --> 00:11:29,795 Yeah, you played that very cool, by the way. 325 00:11:29,797 --> 00:11:32,464 Wait a second. Is everybody in a green polo 326 00:11:32,466 --> 00:11:35,351 - just giving away free stuff? - I guess. 327 00:11:35,353 --> 00:11:36,761 You know what they're also giving out for free? 328 00:11:36,762 --> 00:11:39,021 Nice hotel rooms with bathrobes and room service. 329 00:11:39,023 --> 00:11:40,472 Yes, yes. We should go. 330 00:11:40,474 --> 00:11:41,940 - Great. - I'm just gonna go get 331 00:11:41,942 --> 00:11:42,998 one of those fancy wine openers real quick. 332 00:11:42,999 --> 00:11:45,070 Amy... Chien! 333 00:11:46,550 --> 00:11:49,685 Oh, yes. This is perfect for Aspen. 334 00:11:49,688 --> 00:11:51,004 I go once a year. 335 00:11:51,005 --> 00:11:53,792 It's just gotten really overrun by tourists recently. 336 00:11:53,793 --> 00:11:54,648 What's going on here? 337 00:11:54,959 --> 00:11:58,895 Just trying on these $300 coats they're giving away. 338 00:11:58,896 --> 00:12:00,476 - Ah. - He'll take one too. 339 00:12:00,477 --> 00:12:02,021 That's okay, I don't need a woman's coat. 340 00:12:02,022 --> 00:12:05,325 Well, you can take one for your 15-year-old daughter, Emma. 341 00:12:05,326 --> 00:12:07,015 I'll take one coat, please. 342 00:12:07,211 --> 00:12:09,036 By the way, speaking of free things, 343 00:12:09,037 --> 00:12:10,199 it's an open bar. 344 00:12:10,200 --> 00:12:12,321 Oh. Thank you. 345 00:12:12,809 --> 00:12:13,936 - Uno. - Dos. 346 00:12:13,937 --> 00:12:15,678 - Tres. - Cuatro. 347 00:12:15,679 --> 00:12:16,623 L'chaim. 348 00:12:18,192 --> 00:12:19,232 - Oh. - Ugh. 349 00:12:19,233 --> 00:12:20,558 Why are we doing this? 350 00:12:20,559 --> 00:12:21,508 Two more, please. 351 00:12:21,509 --> 00:12:22,424 Howdy, partner. 352 00:12:25,581 --> 00:12:26,134 Switch. 353 00:12:26,135 --> 00:12:27,452 Wait, wait, wait. 354 00:12:27,453 --> 00:12:30,731 Oh, thank you. Nice. 355 00:12:32,336 --> 00:12:35,731 Mmm. Wow, that is what I would imagine 356 00:12:35,732 --> 00:12:37,442 a cloud would taste like. 357 00:12:37,443 --> 00:12:38,301 What does that even mean? 358 00:12:38,302 --> 00:12:39,447 - Switch. - Oh. 359 00:12:40,855 --> 00:12:42,793 - Mm? - Oh, that's a cloud! 360 00:12:49,303 --> 00:12:50,410 That's terrifying. 361 00:12:50,411 --> 00:12:51,508 Here. 362 00:12:52,741 --> 00:12:53,783 - Whoo. - Whoop. 363 00:12:53,784 --> 00:12:55,085 And boom. 364 00:12:55,669 --> 00:12:56,967 So, I think you just step... 365 00:12:56,968 --> 00:12:57,962 Oh, that looks nice. 366 00:12:57,963 --> 00:12:59,856 Oh, yes, thank you. 367 00:12:59,857 --> 00:13:01,497 You put the mushroom 368 00:13:01,498 --> 00:13:03,499 on the mini grilled cheese sandwich, 369 00:13:03,500 --> 00:13:05,863 and then they all go in at the same time. 370 00:13:05,864 --> 00:13:08,425 Oh, that definitely looks like an orgy's going on in there. 371 00:13:09,260 --> 00:13:11,347 - Who holds the bag? - Oh, I'll hold the bag. 372 00:13:11,348 --> 00:13:13,609 - You've got the vest. - Oh, that's great. 373 00:13:14,369 --> 00:13:17,975 Whoa, it's like we're really in a grocery store. 374 00:13:17,976 --> 00:13:21,020 I feel like technology is solving problems we don't even have. 375 00:13:21,021 --> 00:13:21,985 "Best friends" on three. 376 00:13:21,986 --> 00:13:25,055 One... two... best friends. 377 00:13:25,883 --> 00:13:27,756 Okay, so, after the twirl, 378 00:13:27,757 --> 00:13:30,186 you just pull the ribbon through 379 00:13:30,187 --> 00:13:32,582 and... voila. 380 00:13:32,583 --> 00:13:34,667 - Easy-peasy. - Okay, I guess. 381 00:13:34,668 --> 00:13:35,840 Yeah, I mean, if you're going for something 382 00:13:35,841 --> 00:13:37,267 that's kind of generic-looking. 383 00:13:37,268 --> 00:13:38,567 Cheyenne, I can't believe 384 00:13:38,568 --> 00:13:40,474 you didn't tell me you were pregnant. 385 00:13:40,475 --> 00:13:42,027 Cheyenne, you're pregnant? 386 00:13:42,028 --> 00:13:43,990 Obviously she is. Look at her boobs. 387 00:13:43,991 --> 00:13:45,703 - Whoa! - I'm not pregnant. 388 00:13:46,676 --> 00:13:47,861 But Sayid said... 389 00:13:48,290 --> 00:13:51,957 That guy's always making up stuff about people. 390 00:13:51,958 --> 00:13:52,333 Huh? 391 00:13:52,334 --> 00:13:54,417 I mean, it's... it's not his fault. 392 00:13:54,418 --> 00:13:56,308 Uh, it's a cultural thing. 393 00:13:56,309 --> 00:13:58,813 You know, lying is a big part of Syrian culture. 394 00:13:58,814 --> 00:14:01,261 I've never heard that, and I've slept with a ton of Syrian dudes. 395 00:14:01,262 --> 00:14:02,647 Wait, is that where the phrase, 396 00:14:02,648 --> 00:14:05,355 "lying like a Syrian" comes from, Mateo? 397 00:14:05,878 --> 00:14:07,952 Oh, you know, now that you mention it, 398 00:14:07,953 --> 00:14:10,176 that makes sense. Yes, Cheyenne. 399 00:14:10,177 --> 00:14:12,662 Wow, what a completely natural conversation, 400 00:14:12,663 --> 00:14:13,906 Cheyenne and Mateo. 401 00:14:13,907 --> 00:14:17,517 Sayid never mentioned anything about lying when I interviewed him. 402 00:14:17,805 --> 00:14:20,163 Then again, if he was a liar, he wouldn't have. 403 00:14:20,164 --> 00:14:22,162 - Mmm. - But if he wasn't a liar, 404 00:14:22,163 --> 00:14:24,588 he wouldn't have either, so... oh, this is a pickle. 405 00:14:24,589 --> 00:14:27,305 Hold on, so when Sayid said he liked my haircut... 406 00:14:27,306 --> 00:14:29,623 Yep, lying like a Syrian. 407 00:14:29,624 --> 00:14:32,194 Damn it. Do you guys like my hair? 408 00:14:32,195 --> 00:14:34,356 - Eh. - Eh. 409 00:14:34,358 --> 00:14:35,349 Phew. Thanks, I was worried. 410 00:14:35,350 --> 00:14:37,516 I said, "Make me look like Jeff Probst." 411 00:14:38,277 --> 00:14:39,840 I know it's so bad for your teeth, 412 00:14:39,841 --> 00:14:41,550 but I love chewing on ice. 413 00:14:41,551 --> 00:14:43,717 You have so many interests that I don't know about. 414 00:14:43,718 --> 00:14:45,896 So cold. 415 00:14:45,897 --> 00:14:46,983 Oh, look, look, look, look. 416 00:14:46,984 --> 00:14:49,831 - It's our best friends. - Ted! Kent! 417 00:14:49,832 --> 00:14:52,324 Get over here you sons of bitches. 418 00:14:52,325 --> 00:14:54,656 Oh, damn are we getting turnt over here? 419 00:14:54,657 --> 00:14:56,280 - Turnt! - Oh yeah, 420 00:14:56,281 --> 00:14:57,786 we are getting turnt. 421 00:14:57,787 --> 00:15:00,133 We were just laughing about the fact that 422 00:15:00,134 --> 00:15:01,992 we get all this free stuff, 423 00:15:01,993 --> 00:15:04,166 and the floor workers get nothing. 424 00:15:05,260 --> 00:15:06,500 Yeah, that is pretty funny. 425 00:15:06,501 --> 00:15:07,598 - Yeah, yeah? - All right, all right. 426 00:15:07,599 --> 00:15:10,243 Here's a joke: How many floor workers 427 00:15:10,244 --> 00:15:12,334 does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 428 00:15:12,335 --> 00:15:13,704 - How many? - Shut up! You're fired. 429 00:15:17,173 --> 00:15:18,115 I don't even get it. 430 00:15:18,116 --> 00:15:20,587 Me neither, Kent, me neither. 431 00:15:28,905 --> 00:15:30,786 Not as good as your elves, huh? 432 00:15:31,004 --> 00:15:32,096 Huh? 433 00:15:32,097 --> 00:15:33,828 'Cause you look like Santa Claus. 434 00:15:33,829 --> 00:15:35,277 And you look like a dick. 435 00:15:36,625 --> 00:15:37,622 Surprising. 436 00:15:39,018 --> 00:15:41,066 Okay, what's the difference between a floor worker 437 00:15:41,067 --> 00:15:42,780 - and a two-legged chair? - Here we go. 438 00:15:42,781 --> 00:15:45,335 Two-legged chair don't make $8.50 an hour for being useless. 439 00:15:46,381 --> 00:15:47,608 Shut up! You're fired. 440 00:15:48,599 --> 00:15:50,378 - It's just getting better! - Hey, Bill, get over here. 441 00:15:50,379 --> 00:15:51,842 This guy's throwing rocks tonight. 442 00:15:51,843 --> 00:15:53,086 Oh, I got one, I got one. 443 00:15:53,087 --> 00:15:55,087 How do you get out of giving benefits 444 00:15:55,088 --> 00:15:56,881 - to a full-time employee? - How? 445 00:15:56,882 --> 00:15:59,371 Make them two part-time employees. 446 00:15:59,372 --> 00:16:01,972 Boom! Chien is killing it. 447 00:16:02,469 --> 00:16:03,719 That's actually a good idea, though. 448 00:16:03,720 --> 00:16:05,537 Yeah, you just tell every full-timer 449 00:16:05,538 --> 00:16:07,749 that they're now actually two part-timers... you save a ton. 450 00:16:07,750 --> 00:16:09,507 I wasn't actually suggesting... 451 00:16:09,508 --> 00:16:11,587 Hey, we should get Tracey in legal on this. 452 00:16:11,588 --> 00:16:12,816 - Yeah. Hey, Tracey. - Yeah? 453 00:16:12,817 --> 00:16:14,635 You gotta hear this good idea that Chien Mon Koh just had. 454 00:16:14,636 --> 00:16:15,290 You know what? 455 00:16:15,291 --> 00:16:16,470 I think I just see someone I know. 456 00:16:16,471 --> 00:16:18,703 - Tracey, come here! - Hassan, hi. 457 00:16:18,704 --> 00:16:20,796 - Hold on, Chien. - Come on. 458 00:16:21,015 --> 00:16:21,984 Why are you telling people 459 00:16:21,985 --> 00:16:23,441 that I'm "lying like a Syrian"? 460 00:16:23,442 --> 00:16:24,836 Um, I don't think I ever said... 461 00:16:24,837 --> 00:16:26,355 What is that? That is not a saying. 462 00:16:26,356 --> 00:16:28,502 Who told you that? Was this Marcus? 463 00:16:28,736 --> 00:16:30,004 'Cause that guy is... 464 00:16:31,392 --> 00:16:32,536 Okay, fine. 465 00:16:33,282 --> 00:16:36,241 I just... I know you heard me 466 00:16:36,242 --> 00:16:38,248 talking about being undocumented. 467 00:16:38,592 --> 00:16:40,255 You mean, President Henderson 468 00:16:40,256 --> 00:16:42,253 didn't personally swear you in? 469 00:16:42,254 --> 00:16:45,770 No, I don't even think Henderson was still alive when I came here. 470 00:16:46,095 --> 00:16:47,801 I was nervous that you might turn me in, 471 00:16:47,802 --> 00:16:51,026 so ironically, I was the one who started lying like a Syrian. 472 00:16:51,027 --> 00:16:54,146 Again, that is not a real saying. 473 00:16:54,147 --> 00:16:56,163 And why would I wanna turn you in? 474 00:16:56,164 --> 00:16:57,244 It's none of my business. 475 00:16:57,245 --> 00:16:59,994 I don't know, maybe you were afraid of getting into trouble. 476 00:16:59,995 --> 00:17:01,222 Like not saying anything 477 00:17:01,223 --> 00:17:03,372 might somehow make you my accomplice. 478 00:17:03,374 --> 00:17:03,917 Oh. 479 00:17:04,842 --> 00:17:06,286 But you're not. 480 00:17:06,287 --> 00:17:09,256 You are just an innocent bystander. 481 00:17:09,257 --> 00:17:10,532 Yes, in my experience, 482 00:17:10,533 --> 00:17:13,053 nothing ever happens to innocent bystanders. 483 00:17:13,884 --> 00:17:16,297 Look, Sayid, Sayid, don't worry about it. 484 00:17:17,050 --> 00:17:19,654 What are they gonna do, deport you for not ratting me out? 485 00:17:19,655 --> 00:17:21,699 I can honestly say that that thought 486 00:17:22,057 --> 00:17:23,617 had not occurred to me. 487 00:17:25,495 --> 00:17:27,046 Sayid, where you going? 488 00:17:27,047 --> 00:17:29,106 To the back. I have work to do. 489 00:17:29,107 --> 00:17:30,155 I'll come with. 490 00:17:30,156 --> 00:17:32,206 I might have to go to the men's room first. 491 00:17:32,207 --> 00:17:33,095 We'll both go. 492 00:17:36,729 --> 00:17:39,884 Mateo, Sayid seems to think that you're undocumented 493 00:17:39,885 --> 00:17:42,727 and that you've been working in this store illegally. 494 00:17:42,812 --> 00:17:45,396 What? That... that's crazy. 495 00:17:45,482 --> 00:17:49,307 Why would he... wait, is today November 29th? 496 00:17:49,653 --> 00:17:50,523 Yeah. 497 00:17:50,524 --> 00:17:53,232 It's Syrian April Fool's Day. 498 00:17:53,233 --> 00:17:57,075 That guy... I am gonna go shaving cream his locker. 499 00:17:57,160 --> 00:18:00,027 Okay, I didn't believe him at first, so I checked. 500 00:18:00,330 --> 00:18:02,547 Did you know that your social security number 501 00:18:02,582 --> 00:18:05,162 belongs to a Polish woman from Buffalo? 502 00:18:05,498 --> 00:18:08,702 So, unless your name is Nadia Kedzierski, 503 00:18:08,703 --> 00:18:09,861 we have a problem. 504 00:18:10,473 --> 00:18:13,224 Oh, this isn't my social security number. 505 00:18:13,259 --> 00:18:15,188 Must've got put in wrong. 506 00:18:15,189 --> 00:18:16,658 Oh, okay. 507 00:18:16,659 --> 00:18:18,429 Well, I'm relieved to hear that. 508 00:18:18,481 --> 00:18:21,011 So, if you could just enter your real one. 509 00:18:21,971 --> 00:18:24,475 I don't think you're supposed to give out... 510 00:18:24,476 --> 00:18:26,171 Okay, Mateo, I'm not kidding. 511 00:18:35,448 --> 00:18:38,950 Okay... well, that's only five numbers, like a zip code. 512 00:18:39,002 --> 00:18:41,035 Um, you need four more. 513 00:18:41,584 --> 00:18:45,757 Uh, it's, uh, the last four, uh, is, um, two... 514 00:18:45,792 --> 00:18:46,837 - Two. - Nine... 515 00:18:46,838 --> 00:18:48,710 - Nine. - Nine... 516 00:18:49,411 --> 00:18:51,996 - Nine. - Nine. 517 00:18:52,632 --> 00:18:56,585 Okay, I'll just run this through E-Verify. 518 00:18:57,242 --> 00:18:58,168 Thanks. 519 00:19:07,147 --> 00:19:09,447 - Wow. - Yeah. 520 00:19:09,482 --> 00:19:11,149 You know, of all the times we made love, 521 00:19:11,201 --> 00:19:12,900 we never made anything this beautiful. 522 00:19:12,986 --> 00:19:14,067 Why would you say that? 523 00:19:14,068 --> 00:19:15,171 So, can I... 524 00:19:15,172 --> 00:19:16,774 You can get another one in aisle six. 525 00:19:16,775 --> 00:19:18,577 Yeah, but we're not gonna wrap it. 526 00:19:18,578 --> 00:19:20,019 We're going out on top. 527 00:19:20,020 --> 00:19:21,731 Okay, I'll go get another. 528 00:19:21,732 --> 00:19:24,057 - Just get another one. - Okay. 529 00:19:24,058 --> 00:19:25,283 Ugh. 530 00:19:25,284 --> 00:19:26,974 Can you believe these are the idiots 531 00:19:26,975 --> 00:19:28,463 who lead this company? 532 00:19:28,464 --> 00:19:30,755 Not exactly the best and brightest. 533 00:19:30,756 --> 00:19:33,295 And they get paid ten times as much as us. 534 00:19:33,296 --> 00:19:34,638 And they get better benefits 535 00:19:34,639 --> 00:19:37,894 and free aroma-therapy diffusers. 536 00:19:37,895 --> 00:19:40,250 They don't even have to pay for their aroma-therapy diffusers. 537 00:19:40,251 --> 00:19:41,489 How is that fair? 538 00:19:41,490 --> 00:19:43,161 Maybe you should be a manager. 539 00:19:43,162 --> 00:19:44,681 Yeah, right? 540 00:19:44,682 --> 00:19:45,989 Why not? 541 00:19:45,990 --> 00:19:48,137 I mean, they have those training seminars. 542 00:19:48,138 --> 00:19:51,618 They love bragging about how they promote from within. 543 00:19:52,056 --> 00:19:53,319 And like you said, 544 00:19:53,320 --> 00:19:55,431 these people are not rocket scientists. 545 00:19:55,432 --> 00:19:58,286 I'm a single mom, and I just had a second baby. 546 00:19:58,287 --> 00:20:01,218 It's not exactly the best time to make a big life change. 547 00:20:01,219 --> 00:20:01,948 Ah. 548 00:20:04,658 --> 00:20:05,440 When is? 549 00:20:09,332 --> 00:20:12,593 Do you think we'll still be friends when I get sent back to the Philippines? 550 00:20:12,594 --> 00:20:15,043 Of course we're still gonna be friends. 551 00:20:15,044 --> 00:20:17,719 Ooh, maybe I could come visit you. 552 00:20:17,720 --> 00:20:21,445 I hear they have nice beaches and really cheap massages. 553 00:20:21,446 --> 00:20:24,370 I bet I could get a deal on a ticket if I book it far enough in advance. 554 00:20:24,371 --> 00:20:25,959 Cheyenne, I'm about to be deported, 555 00:20:25,960 --> 00:20:27,816 and you're planning your vacation. 556 00:20:27,932 --> 00:20:28,888 Sorry. 557 00:20:30,453 --> 00:20:33,533 But hotels are super inexpensive, right? 558 00:20:33,534 --> 00:20:35,396 Oh, my God, so affordable. 559 00:20:35,397 --> 00:20:37,191 - That's what I heard. - Yeah, it's great. 560 00:20:37,192 --> 00:20:39,758 Mateo, could we talk? 561 00:20:40,845 --> 00:20:41,724 Sure. 562 00:20:48,749 --> 00:20:51,429 So, I ran your social security number... 563 00:20:51,430 --> 00:20:54,106 - Okay, look, I know it's... - And it checked out. 564 00:20:55,684 --> 00:20:56,464 It did? 565 00:20:57,105 --> 00:20:58,680 Yep, it did. 566 00:21:01,209 --> 00:21:05,046 So, that's... that? 567 00:21:08,214 --> 00:21:09,856 Merry Christmas, Mateo. 568 00:21:12,802 --> 00:21:14,919 You've been legal this whole time? 569 00:21:15,256 --> 00:21:17,256 How much attention do you need?