1 00:00:03,237 --> 00:00:05,639 Why aren't you talking, are you mad at me? 2 00:00:05,673 --> 00:00:08,008 No! I'm freaked because I just found out that I'm pregnant. 3 00:00:08,042 --> 00:00:09,810 And yes, I am a little mad at you, 4 00:00:09,843 --> 00:00:11,079 because this is serious, 5 00:00:11,112 --> 00:00:12,346 and the only thing that you can think about 6 00:00:12,380 --> 00:00:14,582 is combining our names into the perfect baby name. 7 00:00:14,615 --> 00:00:16,850 Well, now we know it's either Hayden or Dyley. 8 00:00:17,717 --> 00:00:19,987 Look, this is a beautiful thing. 9 00:00:20,020 --> 00:00:21,555 A product of our love. 10 00:00:21,589 --> 00:00:23,524 It is a product of our love, right? 11 00:00:23,557 --> 00:00:25,093 Yes, Dylan. I did the math. 12 00:00:25,126 --> 00:00:28,362 Last time you did the math we accidentally left a $300 tip. 13 00:00:28,396 --> 00:00:29,663 Oh, I don't know what to do. 14 00:00:30,174 --> 00:00:32,100 How about this? 15 00:00:32,133 --> 00:00:34,668 Haley Gwendolyn Dunphy... 16 00:00:34,702 --> 00:00:35,736 will you marry me? 17 00:00:35,769 --> 00:00:37,505 Are you kidding me right now? 18 00:00:37,538 --> 00:00:39,173 Picture us walking down the aisle, 19 00:00:39,207 --> 00:00:41,509 a breathtaking vision in virginal white 20 00:00:41,542 --> 00:00:43,010 and you wearing whatever you want. 21 00:00:43,043 --> 00:00:44,878 - I'm not marrying you! - Okay. 22 00:00:44,912 --> 00:00:46,780 Okay, one step at a time. 23 00:00:46,814 --> 00:00:49,717 We'll put you on vitamins and a healthy diet. 24 00:00:49,750 --> 00:00:51,051 You'll be eating for one now. 25 00:00:52,653 --> 00:00:54,122 Score! Lollipops! 26 00:00:54,155 --> 00:00:55,356 How am I gonna tell my mom? 27 00:00:55,389 --> 00:00:56,890 This is the one thing she always told me not to do, 28 00:00:56,924 --> 00:00:58,526 and you're the person she told me not to do it with. 29 00:00:58,559 --> 00:01:00,294 Yeah, she really nailed that one. 30 00:01:00,328 --> 00:01:02,062 I hope our baby gets her brain. 31 00:01:02,096 --> 00:01:03,764 Why aren't you freaking out? 32 00:01:03,797 --> 00:01:06,134 Because this is a good thing, 33 00:01:06,167 --> 00:01:07,201 isn't it? 34 00:01:07,235 --> 00:01:08,769 I... 35 00:01:08,802 --> 00:01:09,737 I don't know. 36 00:01:09,770 --> 00:01:10,594 Ugh. 37 00:01:11,172 --> 00:01:12,940 Oh, my God, I have to get to work. 38 00:01:12,973 --> 00:01:14,375 To a job that I love, which I don't even know 39 00:01:14,408 --> 00:01:15,733 if I can do with a baby! 40 00:01:15,843 --> 00:01:17,211 Just... I, um... 41 00:01:17,245 --> 00:01:19,613 I need some space. 42 00:01:19,647 --> 00:01:20,714 Oh. 43 00:01:20,748 --> 00:01:22,750 $13, carry the 3... 44 00:01:22,783 --> 00:01:23,917 Leave a $50. 45 00:01:37,097 --> 00:01:38,732 All right, Thompson, run a crisp route! 46 00:01:38,766 --> 00:01:40,234 Pitkowski, go! 47 00:01:40,927 --> 00:01:42,002 Look at them out there. 48 00:01:42,035 --> 00:01:43,904 They are a mess. No focus! 49 00:01:43,937 --> 00:01:45,673 You told them about not eating chicken, right? 50 00:01:45,706 --> 00:01:46,774 It's a nervous bird. 51 00:01:46,807 --> 00:01:48,609 Before the game, you eat your calm mammals, 52 00:01:48,642 --> 00:01:50,077 your beefs, your muttons. 53 00:01:50,110 --> 00:01:51,412 Okay, guys, get in here! 54 00:01:51,445 --> 00:01:52,646 Let's go. Huddle up! 55 00:01:52,680 --> 00:01:54,615 We're about to play for the city championship, 56 00:01:54,648 --> 00:01:56,784 and Jay here has been helping out. 57 00:01:56,817 --> 00:01:58,152 I've been a team booster for years. 58 00:01:58,186 --> 00:01:59,987 Usually that means cutting a check 59 00:02:00,020 --> 00:02:02,423 from the Pritchett Cares Foundation. 60 00:02:02,456 --> 00:02:04,091 We support athletics 61 00:02:04,124 --> 00:02:07,795 and we educate at-risk youth about careers in closets. 62 00:02:07,828 --> 00:02:09,330 It's a real path out. 63 00:02:09,363 --> 00:02:11,432 Okay, this is the biggest day of your lives 64 00:02:11,465 --> 00:02:14,968 and you're looking like a bunch of little girls out there! 65 00:02:15,002 --> 00:02:18,138 What's wrong, Pitkowski, did you forget your Barbies?! 66 00:02:19,205 --> 00:02:21,775 Coach, we've been talking, 67 00:02:21,809 --> 00:02:23,143 and the language you've been using lately 68 00:02:23,177 --> 00:02:24,978 feels, well, hurtful. 69 00:02:25,012 --> 00:02:26,113 And sexist. 70 00:02:26,146 --> 00:02:27,481 And a little gender reductive. 71 00:02:27,515 --> 00:02:28,949 What the hell is happening? 72 00:02:28,982 --> 00:02:31,852 We'd just like you to consider adopting a more empowering style. 73 00:02:32,986 --> 00:02:34,054 Okay, you know what? 74 00:02:34,087 --> 00:02:36,657 This is football! 75 00:02:36,690 --> 00:02:39,059 What's wrong, are your training bras too tight?! 76 00:02:39,384 --> 00:02:40,694 Coach Tucker! 77 00:02:40,728 --> 00:02:43,231 Please see me in my office now! 78 00:02:43,264 --> 00:02:46,033 No, honey, I don't want to pick your sister up at the airport! 79 00:02:46,066 --> 00:02:48,669 Oh, sorry, I'm talking to my girlfriend 80 00:02:48,702 --> 00:02:51,205 and I accidentally kept the megaphone button pressed! 81 00:02:51,780 --> 00:02:53,674 She's really been riding me lately, let me tell you! 82 00:02:53,707 --> 00:02:54,742 Oh, no sweetheart, no, 83 00:02:54,775 --> 00:02:56,143 I didn't mean for you to hear that! 84 00:02:56,176 --> 00:02:58,912 No, no, no, you're my everything! Of course! 85 00:03:07,588 --> 00:03:09,089 I got tickets for me and Mitchell 86 00:03:09,122 --> 00:03:12,360 to a screening in Palm Springs of The Empire Strikes Back... 87 00:03:12,393 --> 00:03:14,362 Q&A to follow with the biggest star of all... 88 00:03:14,395 --> 00:03:15,696 George Lucas. 89 00:03:15,729 --> 00:03:17,565 I'm super stoked because I kind of think of Mitch 90 00:03:17,598 --> 00:03:19,700 as the brother I never had. 91 00:03:19,733 --> 00:03:21,669 I don't know why we don't spend more time alone together. 92 00:03:21,702 --> 00:03:22,836 It's nobody's fault. Except for... 93 00:03:22,870 --> 00:03:24,438 for Cam and Claire. 94 00:03:24,472 --> 00:03:26,740 You know, I'm as happy now as I've ever been. 95 00:03:26,774 --> 00:03:28,075 And look, we're in Yucaipa. 96 00:03:28,108 --> 00:03:29,577 That sounds like how Ewoks talk. 97 00:03:29,610 --> 00:03:32,546 I used to sneak off to a gay bar in Yucaipa before I came out. 98 00:03:32,580 --> 00:03:34,615 Huh, you don't really think of gay bars as a small-town thing. 99 00:03:34,648 --> 00:03:35,683 Oh, yeah. 100 00:03:35,716 --> 00:03:37,385 They serve your rural gays, 101 00:03:37,418 --> 00:03:41,188 your closeted gays, your city newbies looking to get their gay sea-legs, 102 00:03:41,221 --> 00:03:44,024 kind of like an out-of-town tryout before they hit Broadway. 103 00:03:44,057 --> 00:03:46,560 See, I learn something whenever I spend time with you. 104 00:03:46,594 --> 00:03:48,362 Remember when you told me not to snap when I dance? 105 00:03:48,396 --> 00:03:51,465 It looked like you were trying to get peanut butter off your fingers. 106 00:03:51,499 --> 00:03:53,467 Speaking of which, I'm starving. 107 00:03:53,501 --> 00:03:55,436 That bar actually has amazing hamburgers 108 00:03:55,469 --> 00:03:56,737 if you want to stop for lunch? 109 00:03:56,770 --> 00:03:57,938 Am I allowed in? 110 00:03:57,971 --> 00:03:58,972 Who's gonna know? 111 00:03:59,006 --> 00:04:01,375 Just don't snap. 112 00:04:01,409 --> 00:04:02,543 Ooh! 113 00:04:02,576 --> 00:04:04,378 Do you think I could rock this? 114 00:04:04,412 --> 00:04:05,646 Do people still say rock? 115 00:04:05,679 --> 00:04:07,381 It makes me sad when you have to ask me 116 00:04:07,415 --> 00:04:09,049 what young people say. 117 00:04:09,082 --> 00:04:10,651 - Alex? Gloria? - Ahh! 118 00:04:10,684 --> 00:04:12,052 - Hi. - Um, hi! 119 00:04:12,085 --> 00:04:13,621 What are you doing here? 120 00:04:13,654 --> 00:04:15,122 I needed some sexy clothes, 121 00:04:15,155 --> 00:04:17,391 so I asked Gloria to help me shop. 122 00:04:17,425 --> 00:04:18,492 No offense to my mom, 123 00:04:18,526 --> 00:04:20,661 but she dresses kind of conservative 124 00:04:20,694 --> 00:04:21,995 while Gloria knows how to pick out clothes 125 00:04:22,029 --> 00:04:23,063 that will help... 126 00:04:23,096 --> 00:04:25,633 take this baby for a spin. 127 00:04:25,666 --> 00:04:27,000 Ugh, Alex, come on, 128 00:04:27,034 --> 00:04:29,102 sell it if you're gonna talk like that. 129 00:04:29,136 --> 00:04:32,640 Just stopped by the cobbler to get my penny loafers re-soled. 130 00:04:33,103 --> 00:04:35,476 Same pair for 30 years. 131 00:04:35,509 --> 00:04:36,510 What are you guys doing? 132 00:04:36,544 --> 00:04:37,945 - Oh, we're just... - Uh, no, we, uh, 133 00:04:37,978 --> 00:04:40,113 were shopping separately, funniest thing, 134 00:04:40,147 --> 00:04:42,249 and we just bumped into each other! 135 00:04:42,282 --> 00:04:43,283 Right? 136 00:04:44,202 --> 00:04:46,320 Yes, it was hilarious. 137 00:04:46,354 --> 00:04:49,490 I was shopping, and... and then all she said. 138 00:04:49,921 --> 00:04:51,024 It was funny. 139 00:04:51,058 --> 00:04:52,125 So, what did you buy? 140 00:04:52,159 --> 00:04:53,994 Oh, no, no, no. It's... It's not mine. 141 00:04:54,027 --> 00:04:55,863 It's hers. Could you hold it for a minute? 142 00:04:55,896 --> 00:04:57,331 My arms are tired! 143 00:04:57,926 --> 00:04:59,833 This one, the Queen of Sheba. 144 00:04:59,867 --> 00:05:01,268 We all work for her. 145 00:05:02,636 --> 00:05:04,505 We have fun. 146 00:05:05,314 --> 00:05:06,974 Mmm! 147 00:05:07,007 --> 00:05:07,941 Burger's amazing. 148 00:05:07,975 --> 00:05:09,643 This place is great. 149 00:05:09,677 --> 00:05:11,111 These small town gays have it made. 150 00:05:11,144 --> 00:05:13,013 Yeah, I mean, they're forced to live in the shadows, 151 00:05:13,046 --> 00:05:15,315 but they do get to eat fries, so... 152 00:05:15,349 --> 00:05:16,350 Oh, my God! 153 00:05:16,384 --> 00:05:18,051 Is that Gil Thorpe? 154 00:05:18,085 --> 00:05:19,286 We don't all know each other, Phil. 155 00:05:19,319 --> 00:05:20,287 With the beard. 156 00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:21,389 There are no women in here. 157 00:05:21,422 --> 00:05:23,023 Right there, he's my nemesis. 158 00:05:23,056 --> 00:05:24,625 What could he possibly be doing here? 159 00:05:24,658 --> 00:05:26,994 Hmm, I might have a theory. 160 00:05:27,027 --> 00:05:28,396 Oh, my God! 161 00:05:28,429 --> 00:05:30,330 He's pretending to be gay. 162 00:05:30,364 --> 00:05:31,331 No. 163 00:05:31,365 --> 00:05:33,501 What is your game, Gil? 164 00:05:37,738 --> 00:05:39,072 Oh, is Nicole coming in soon? 165 00:05:39,106 --> 00:05:40,741 Her sound bath ran late. 166 00:05:40,774 --> 00:05:41,842 Is there a special occasion? 167 00:05:41,875 --> 00:05:42,843 Why the party sub? 168 00:05:42,876 --> 00:05:45,178 Uh, this is a normal sandwich. 169 00:05:46,447 --> 00:05:48,482 - Hello, Haley. - Hi. 170 00:05:48,516 --> 00:05:50,150 Why the enormous sandwich? 171 00:05:50,183 --> 00:05:52,052 This is an ordinary... doesn't matter. 172 00:05:52,085 --> 00:05:53,521 Uh, Nicole, can I have a minute? 173 00:05:53,554 --> 00:05:55,255 Of course. 174 00:05:56,724 --> 00:05:57,858 Uh... 175 00:05:57,891 --> 00:06:00,594 Look, a situation has come up 176 00:06:00,628 --> 00:06:01,729 and it's pretty confusing. 177 00:06:01,762 --> 00:06:03,831 I'm still trying to process it, but I... 178 00:06:03,864 --> 00:06:05,499 - Preggo? - What?! 179 00:06:05,533 --> 00:06:07,735 - Oh, God, I knew it! - What?! 180 00:06:07,768 --> 00:06:10,270 I mean, Prego, you know, however you pronounce 181 00:06:10,303 --> 00:06:12,740 that pretentious Italian fashion website. 182 00:06:12,773 --> 00:06:14,207 - Oh. - Someone told me that they're trying 183 00:06:14,241 --> 00:06:16,877 to poach one of my employees, and I am not having it. 184 00:06:16,910 --> 00:06:18,245 So, what do you need? 185 00:06:18,278 --> 00:06:19,847 I, uh, well... 186 00:06:19,880 --> 00:06:23,851 Title bump, money bump... you are getting a promotion. 187 00:06:24,284 --> 00:06:28,188 You are gonna be the new Head of Activewear and Zeitgeist. 188 00:06:28,221 --> 00:06:30,624 Oh, my God, this is my dream job. 189 00:06:31,546 --> 00:06:32,626 I told my guidance counselor 190 00:06:32,660 --> 00:06:34,428 that I wanted to do this and she laughed in my face. 191 00:06:34,462 --> 00:06:36,196 All right, everyone. 192 00:06:36,229 --> 00:06:38,031 Come in, we're celebrating! 193 00:06:38,065 --> 00:06:41,068 And bring a knife so we can cut this into 20 pieces! 194 00:06:41,802 --> 00:06:45,806 Coach Tucker, students are a "protected class" 195 00:06:45,839 --> 00:06:48,108 and it is not okay for you, 196 00:06:48,141 --> 00:06:50,043 an elite white man of privilege, 197 00:06:50,077 --> 00:06:51,278 to bully them. 198 00:06:51,311 --> 00:06:54,381 Privilege? I-I make a teacher's salary. And I'm gay. 199 00:06:54,414 --> 00:06:57,384 Yeah, gay doesn't really get you the mileage that it used to. 200 00:06:57,417 --> 00:06:59,453 Now, if you were trans, we'd be golden. 201 00:06:59,487 --> 00:07:00,988 Oh, has the whole world gone crazy?! 202 00:07:01,021 --> 00:07:02,623 - Jay... - No, no, I've had it. 203 00:07:02,656 --> 00:07:04,291 I mean, what, everyone's so sensitive, 204 00:07:04,324 --> 00:07:06,093 they're gonna ruin football? 205 00:07:06,126 --> 00:07:09,463 In my day, our team, the Hamilton Cabbage Eaters, 206 00:07:09,497 --> 00:07:11,298 captained by Knish Bronstein, 207 00:07:11,331 --> 00:07:13,066 took on the Lincoln Banditos, 208 00:07:13,100 --> 00:07:16,169 QB'd by José "Speedy" Gonzales. 209 00:07:16,203 --> 00:07:19,106 And after three hours of pummeling each other's privates 210 00:07:19,139 --> 00:07:20,808 at the bottom of dog piles, 211 00:07:20,841 --> 00:07:22,743 we shook hands like brothers 212 00:07:22,776 --> 00:07:24,845 and all went to brawl the Sausage-Heads 213 00:07:24,878 --> 00:07:26,947 in Pierogi-Town. 214 00:07:26,980 --> 00:07:28,816 America. 215 00:07:28,849 --> 00:07:30,618 Beautiful melting pot. 216 00:07:30,651 --> 00:07:31,785 Uh... How was that your life? 217 00:07:31,819 --> 00:07:33,854 You were in high school during the Summer of Love. 218 00:07:33,887 --> 00:07:37,157 Coach Tucker, I don't know why this man is here, 219 00:07:37,190 --> 00:07:39,993 but he's a member of the "elderly protected class," 220 00:07:40,027 --> 00:07:42,329 and legally we can't contradict him. 221 00:07:42,362 --> 00:07:44,798 I'm sorry, you're gonna have to find a gentler way 222 00:07:44,832 --> 00:07:45,966 to motivate your players. 223 00:07:45,999 --> 00:07:47,801 I don't know any other way to coach. 224 00:07:47,835 --> 00:07:51,171 What we need is advice from someone who played football 225 00:07:51,204 --> 00:07:54,307 but also is a namby-pamby Millennial weirdo. 226 00:07:54,341 --> 00:07:56,109 Thank you for coming. 227 00:07:56,143 --> 00:07:59,780 We're here to teach these gentlemen how to communicate in the 21st century. 228 00:07:59,813 --> 00:08:02,215 Let's go around and each say the gender pronoun we prefer. 229 00:08:02,249 --> 00:08:03,283 I'll start... 230 00:08:03,316 --> 00:08:06,353 I'm cisgender, he-slash-him. 231 00:08:06,386 --> 00:08:08,021 She-slash-her. 232 00:08:08,055 --> 00:08:10,290 They-slash-them. 233 00:08:10,323 --> 00:08:12,392 Oh, I'm not here to bust chops, Bob is fine. 234 00:08:13,505 --> 00:08:14,862 This is your rugby team? 235 00:08:16,496 --> 00:08:19,633 I am fascinated by this mall story of yours... 236 00:08:19,667 --> 00:08:21,835 So, you say you were shopping? 237 00:08:21,869 --> 00:08:23,036 Yes. 238 00:08:23,503 --> 00:08:25,172 You know me and shoes. 239 00:08:26,206 --> 00:08:28,709 Oh! Well, let's take a look, why don't we? 240 00:08:29,777 --> 00:08:33,013 Ooh! I had no idea your foot was so tiny. 241 00:08:33,046 --> 00:08:38,185 Yes, I am so big in the top and small in the bottom, 242 00:08:38,218 --> 00:08:40,087 like South America herself. 243 00:08:40,120 --> 00:08:41,221 Aww! 244 00:08:41,254 --> 00:08:42,255 Put 'em on. 245 00:08:42,289 --> 00:08:43,523 Really? 246 00:08:43,557 --> 00:08:45,225 I want to see them on your feet. 247 00:08:45,258 --> 00:08:48,395 Yes, miss. 248 00:08:48,428 --> 00:08:50,864 I feel like I am Cinderella. 249 00:08:50,898 --> 00:08:53,667 Go on, let's see you strut your stuff. 250 00:08:54,334 --> 00:08:55,869 Pretty shoes. 251 00:08:58,371 --> 00:09:00,240 I've never felt more beautiful! 252 00:09:00,273 --> 00:09:01,441 Uh-huh. 253 00:09:01,474 --> 00:09:03,543 Okay, I can't watch this anymore! 254 00:09:03,577 --> 00:09:06,680 Mom, please don't take this personally, 255 00:09:06,714 --> 00:09:07,948 but I was shopping with Gloria today 256 00:09:07,981 --> 00:09:10,017 because I wanted to find something sexy 257 00:09:10,050 --> 00:09:11,451 for my weekend away with Bill, 258 00:09:11,484 --> 00:09:13,887 and that's more her thing. 259 00:09:14,860 --> 00:09:15,923 I get it, fine. 260 00:09:15,956 --> 00:09:18,125 I don't always dress like a... steering wheel cover. 261 00:09:18,158 --> 00:09:20,027 You're lashing out. I understand. 262 00:09:20,060 --> 00:09:22,763 Doesn't mean I can't turn it on when I need to. 263 00:09:22,796 --> 00:09:23,897 It's not just that. 264 00:09:23,931 --> 00:09:28,736 I guess... I don't really feel like you're comfortable with my sexuality. 265 00:09:28,769 --> 00:09:32,439 You and Haley can talk about guys and sex, 266 00:09:32,472 --> 00:09:34,942 but you still see me as a 12-year-old. 267 00:09:34,975 --> 00:09:37,745 Honey, I'm sorry. 268 00:09:37,778 --> 00:09:39,613 I'm so sorry if I gave you that impression, 269 00:09:39,647 --> 00:09:43,917 but to be fair, you don't really share that part of your life with me. 270 00:09:43,951 --> 00:09:46,216 I guess that's valid. 271 00:09:46,987 --> 00:09:49,256 So, are you gonna give me a shot? 272 00:09:49,289 --> 00:09:50,791 Let me tart you up for Bill. 273 00:09:50,824 --> 00:09:53,927 Okay. But it is not just for Bill 274 00:09:53,961 --> 00:09:55,663 because it's also for me because I'm... 275 00:09:55,696 --> 00:09:58,632 I'm reclaiming a part of myself that I don't think I've really... 276 00:09:58,666 --> 00:10:00,300 - There's a lot of this. - Yeah. Okay. 277 00:10:01,334 --> 00:10:04,071 This is nuts. First he gets divorced, and now this? 278 00:10:04,104 --> 00:10:05,305 Hmm, they may be related. 279 00:10:05,338 --> 00:10:06,539 Is he still here? 280 00:10:08,008 --> 00:10:09,576 Oh, man. I've been made! 281 00:10:09,609 --> 00:10:11,178 What's he doing? 282 00:10:11,211 --> 00:10:12,445 Uh, he's right behind you. 283 00:10:13,125 --> 00:10:14,181 Dunphy? 284 00:10:14,214 --> 00:10:15,582 Hey, Gil. 285 00:10:15,615 --> 00:10:18,485 Oh, I was just making a pitstop on the way to the Bunny Ranch. 286 00:10:18,518 --> 00:10:20,120 I accidentally walked in here 287 00:10:20,153 --> 00:10:22,622 'cause some local said they had great wings. 288 00:10:22,656 --> 00:10:24,692 Didn't realize there were no breasts! 289 00:10:25,726 --> 00:10:27,627 - Am I right?! - Oh, hey. 290 00:10:27,661 --> 00:10:30,097 You don't have to do this. I'm... I'm Mitch, 291 00:10:30,130 --> 00:10:31,965 I'm Phil's brother-in-law, 292 00:10:31,999 --> 00:10:33,433 and it's okay that you're gay. 293 00:10:33,466 --> 00:10:35,803 Whoa! What? Hold on a second now. 294 00:10:35,836 --> 00:10:37,337 That's crazy! 295 00:10:37,370 --> 00:10:38,438 You're gay! 296 00:10:38,471 --> 00:10:39,439 Yes, I know. 297 00:10:39,472 --> 00:10:40,974 It's not the insult you think it is. 298 00:10:41,008 --> 00:10:42,943 Charming as ever. Off you go. Best of luck. 299 00:10:42,976 --> 00:10:44,511 I got this, okay? 300 00:10:44,544 --> 00:10:46,046 It's gonna take him some time to... 301 00:10:46,079 --> 00:10:47,280 to accept who he really is. 302 00:10:47,314 --> 00:10:48,315 I'm totally gay. 303 00:10:48,348 --> 00:10:49,683 Wow, you're off to a strong start. 304 00:10:49,717 --> 00:10:50,884 It's just... it's strange 305 00:10:50,918 --> 00:10:52,720 to say it out loud like that, you know? 306 00:10:52,753 --> 00:10:53,954 I'm a gay man. 307 00:10:54,922 --> 00:10:56,323 I'm a big gay man. 308 00:10:57,524 --> 00:10:59,359 Feels like a big gay weight has been lifted off me. 309 00:10:59,392 --> 00:11:01,294 - Just a weight. - Yeah. 310 00:11:01,328 --> 00:11:02,329 But doesn't it feel great to... 311 00:11:02,362 --> 00:11:03,864 to finally own who you really are? 312 00:11:03,897 --> 00:11:04,865 Yeah, it does. 313 00:11:04,898 --> 00:11:07,034 I remember admitting to my dad I was into magic. 314 00:11:07,067 --> 00:11:09,469 It's not the same, Dunphy. 315 00:11:09,678 --> 00:11:11,171 It's just not... 316 00:11:11,204 --> 00:11:13,073 God, I have so many questions for you, though. 317 00:11:13,106 --> 00:11:16,343 Hey, hey, first time I walked into this bar, I did, too. 318 00:11:16,376 --> 00:11:17,344 Fire away. 319 00:11:17,377 --> 00:11:18,412 Okay. 320 00:11:18,912 --> 00:11:21,849 I'm just not comfortable opening up in front of the breeder here, okay? 321 00:11:21,882 --> 00:11:23,516 You have more kids than I do! 322 00:11:23,550 --> 00:11:24,885 That's homophobic, man! 323 00:11:24,918 --> 00:11:27,020 Hey, Phil, why don't... why don't you grab us some drinks? 324 00:11:27,054 --> 00:11:29,289 Okay. Fine. 325 00:11:30,557 --> 00:11:31,558 Yeah. 326 00:11:33,526 --> 00:11:35,695 Whoa. Wow, hi. 327 00:11:35,729 --> 00:11:37,664 - It's my lucky day. - Thank you for that. 328 00:11:37,697 --> 00:11:38,999 But I'm afraid I'm taken. 329 00:11:39,032 --> 00:11:40,033 That's too bad. 330 00:11:40,067 --> 00:11:42,069 Why is it so hard for me to meet someone? 331 00:11:42,102 --> 00:11:44,537 I, um... 332 00:11:44,571 --> 00:11:47,040 I have the perfect guy for you. 333 00:11:47,074 --> 00:11:48,942 He has got a great sense of humor, big heart. 334 00:11:48,976 --> 00:11:50,878 I have a thing for red heads. 335 00:11:50,911 --> 00:11:53,113 He's with me. Uh, the other one. 336 00:11:53,146 --> 00:11:54,347 Him? Pass. 337 00:11:54,381 --> 00:11:56,383 He's been lurking around here for weeks. 338 00:11:56,416 --> 00:11:58,752 Like I'm impressed he's "Southern California's number one Realtor." 339 00:11:58,786 --> 00:12:00,353 No, he's not! 340 00:12:00,387 --> 00:12:02,055 Well, what are you afraid of? 341 00:12:02,416 --> 00:12:03,423 I don't know, Mitchell. 342 00:12:03,456 --> 00:12:04,925 I'm so late to the game. 343 00:12:04,958 --> 00:12:06,193 Who's even gonna want me? 344 00:12:06,226 --> 00:12:07,727 Mitchell, um, it's getting late, 345 00:12:07,761 --> 00:12:09,729 and we don't want to keep Mr. Lucas waiting. 346 00:12:09,763 --> 00:12:11,364 Whoa. You're leaving? 347 00:12:11,398 --> 00:12:12,532 But... 348 00:12:13,967 --> 00:12:16,436 You're the first person I ever talked to about any of this stuff. 349 00:12:17,474 --> 00:12:19,940 Uh, one... one second. 350 00:12:19,973 --> 00:12:21,909 Phil. 351 00:12:21,942 --> 00:12:23,076 I can't leave him this way. 352 00:12:23,110 --> 00:12:24,744 What?! He's a monster! 353 00:12:24,778 --> 00:12:27,580 And not one of the cool ones created by Industrial Light and Magic! 354 00:12:27,614 --> 00:12:29,482 I know. This... This is a lot to take in, 355 00:12:29,516 --> 00:12:31,885 but I think that there's a really good guy in there 356 00:12:31,919 --> 00:12:33,887 and... and he needs me. 357 00:12:33,921 --> 00:12:36,223 I'm sorry, you go, have fun. 358 00:12:36,256 --> 00:12:38,258 You're... You're picking him over me?! 359 00:12:38,291 --> 00:12:39,827 No. I just need to make sure he's okay. 360 00:12:39,860 --> 00:12:41,761 Look, I-I'll try and get there if I can. 361 00:12:41,795 --> 00:12:43,063 Do, or do not. 362 00:12:43,096 --> 00:12:44,264 There is no try. 363 00:12:44,297 --> 00:12:46,333 Please don't Yoda me. 364 00:12:48,301 --> 00:12:50,337 Twenty years ago, I was in this bar, 365 00:12:50,370 --> 00:12:51,504 feeling just like you do. 366 00:12:51,538 --> 00:12:54,141 And this really nice guy came up to talk to me. 367 00:12:54,174 --> 00:12:57,277 I-I think he could see how lost and alone I was. 368 00:12:57,310 --> 00:12:59,079 And, I don't know, 369 00:12:59,112 --> 00:13:01,014 it felt like my whole world opened up that day. 370 00:13:02,370 --> 00:13:03,984 Wow, that's a touching story. 371 00:13:04,017 --> 00:13:06,854 So when are we gonna start touching? 372 00:13:06,887 --> 00:13:08,255 I'm sorry, what? 373 00:13:08,288 --> 00:13:10,423 I say we head out to the parking lot, 374 00:13:10,457 --> 00:13:12,625 get a little crazy in my ex-wife's minivan, huh? 375 00:13:12,659 --> 00:13:14,461 No! No, gross! 376 00:13:14,494 --> 00:13:16,196 Fine, Prince Harry. 377 00:13:16,229 --> 00:13:17,630 I'll pop for a hotel room. 378 00:13:17,664 --> 00:13:19,166 But that means we're doing everything. 379 00:13:19,199 --> 00:13:20,600 Okay. Y-You're awful! 380 00:13:20,633 --> 00:13:22,169 Well, at least I'm not a tease. 381 00:13:22,202 --> 00:13:23,803 What a waste of an afternoon. 382 00:13:23,837 --> 00:13:26,006 Hey, I'm Gil. Just came out. 383 00:13:26,039 --> 00:13:27,674 Feeling kind of lost and alone. 384 00:13:27,707 --> 00:13:28,775 You, run. 385 00:13:28,808 --> 00:13:30,677 C-C-Can someone give me a ride? 386 00:13:30,710 --> 00:13:32,612 I need to go after the guy I was here with. 387 00:13:32,645 --> 00:13:34,314 Let's go. He's worth it. 388 00:13:34,347 --> 00:13:35,282 Ooh, a hat. 389 00:13:35,315 --> 00:13:37,217 Fun. 390 00:13:37,250 --> 00:13:38,852 I don't know about this. 391 00:13:38,886 --> 00:13:41,388 Come on, honey, I picked it out. 392 00:13:41,421 --> 00:13:42,956 I'm not gonna judge you. I swear. 393 00:13:44,123 --> 00:13:45,792 You look beautiful. 394 00:13:45,825 --> 00:13:47,194 I love it. 395 00:13:47,227 --> 00:13:49,529 Really? It's not too much? 396 00:13:49,562 --> 00:13:52,499 Let the prudes leave something to the imagination. 397 00:13:52,532 --> 00:13:55,903 Bill's gonna be all, "Let me get a piece of that," huh? 398 00:13:57,754 --> 00:13:58,705 Uch. 399 00:13:58,738 --> 00:14:01,875 How about lingerie? 400 00:14:01,909 --> 00:14:03,210 Mm. 401 00:14:03,243 --> 00:14:07,314 Yes, um, I would love your input on my lingerie. 402 00:14:07,347 --> 00:14:09,382 What would Bill like? 403 00:14:09,416 --> 00:14:11,151 Oh, something with snaps. 404 00:14:11,184 --> 00:14:12,652 He doesn't like complicated garments. 405 00:14:12,685 --> 00:14:14,152 He's easily frustrated. 406 00:14:14,254 --> 00:14:17,324 That is so fun to know. 407 00:14:17,357 --> 00:14:18,658 Um, can I just say, 408 00:14:18,691 --> 00:14:23,363 I am so comfortable with your sexuality. 409 00:14:23,396 --> 00:14:29,036 Can I just say that your comfort with my sexuality 410 00:14:29,069 --> 00:14:33,373 has made me more comfortable with my sexuality. 411 00:14:33,406 --> 00:14:36,009 Can I just say that if I had my gun in my purse, 412 00:14:36,043 --> 00:14:37,911 I would shoot myself. 413 00:14:47,220 --> 00:14:48,822 Phil! 414 00:14:48,956 --> 00:14:50,290 Phil! 415 00:14:52,098 --> 00:14:53,360 What are you doing? 416 00:14:53,393 --> 00:14:54,928 I am so sorry! 417 00:14:54,962 --> 00:14:56,763 Well, you should be! 418 00:14:56,796 --> 00:14:57,931 Phil! 419 00:14:57,965 --> 00:15:01,034 Hear him out, he feels terrible! 420 00:15:01,068 --> 00:15:03,370 You were right about Gil! He's awful! 421 00:15:03,403 --> 00:15:05,772 He has no redeeming qualities, 422 00:15:05,805 --> 00:15:07,588 well, except for his taste in men! 423 00:15:07,807 --> 00:15:10,310 You know how important this was to me?! 424 00:15:10,343 --> 00:15:11,544 Of course! 425 00:15:11,578 --> 00:15:13,546 I-I'm as big a Star Wars fan as you are! 426 00:15:13,580 --> 00:15:15,882 It was never about Star Wars! 427 00:15:15,915 --> 00:15:18,651 It was about spending time with you! 428 00:15:18,685 --> 00:15:20,287 Oh, really?! 429 00:15:20,320 --> 00:15:21,955 Yes! 430 00:15:21,989 --> 00:15:24,291 Well, I love spending time with you! 431 00:15:25,469 --> 00:15:26,293 You do?! 432 00:15:26,326 --> 00:15:27,794 Totally! 433 00:15:27,827 --> 00:15:29,629 You're like the brother I never had! 434 00:15:29,662 --> 00:15:31,731 What?! That's crazy cakes! 435 00:15:31,764 --> 00:15:34,267 - I say that about you all the time! - Stop it! 436 00:15:34,301 --> 00:15:36,803 I had a totally different idea about what this was, 437 00:15:36,836 --> 00:15:38,505 but it's still beautiful! 438 00:15:38,538 --> 00:15:40,440 Eyes on the road! Eyes on the road! 439 00:15:42,709 --> 00:15:44,477 Hey, what's going on? 440 00:15:44,511 --> 00:15:45,845 Today's been a lot. 441 00:15:45,878 --> 00:15:47,480 Ugh. Same. 442 00:15:47,514 --> 00:15:48,815 You know, I don't say it enough, 443 00:15:48,848 --> 00:15:52,152 but I am so glad that you and I can talk about anything. 444 00:15:52,185 --> 00:15:53,453 Something happen with Alex? 445 00:15:53,486 --> 00:15:54,654 I don't want to talk about it. 446 00:15:55,788 --> 00:15:57,524 What brings you to the floor? 447 00:15:57,557 --> 00:16:00,593 Well... 448 00:16:00,627 --> 00:16:04,297 it seems I've gone and gotten myself... 449 00:16:04,331 --> 00:16:05,427 ...promoted. 450 00:16:06,399 --> 00:16:08,792 Haley, that's fantastic! 451 00:16:08,901 --> 00:16:10,137 Yeah. 452 00:16:10,170 --> 00:16:13,506 Yeah, I, uh... I get my own parking spot and an "IRA." 453 00:16:13,540 --> 00:16:15,308 I guess that's my assistant's name or something? 454 00:16:15,342 --> 00:16:17,510 Sweetheart, I'm very proud of you. 455 00:16:17,544 --> 00:16:19,479 You really pulled it together. 456 00:16:19,512 --> 00:16:22,649 Yeah, well, I still have a lot of stuff to figure out. 457 00:16:22,682 --> 00:16:23,716 Of course you do. 458 00:16:23,750 --> 00:16:25,485 Everyone does at your age. 459 00:16:25,518 --> 00:16:26,920 Boy, I know I did. 460 00:16:27,054 --> 00:16:30,223 Did you ever regret having me when you did? 461 00:16:30,257 --> 00:16:32,359 Like how it kinda derailed your career? 462 00:16:32,392 --> 00:16:33,837 Hmm... 463 00:16:33,860 --> 00:16:36,563 I didn't love it at first. 464 00:16:36,596 --> 00:16:40,033 But then I saw this face. 465 00:16:40,067 --> 00:16:41,534 Mm. 466 00:16:41,568 --> 00:16:42,969 And you were lucky enough to have Dad. 467 00:16:43,002 --> 00:16:44,704 He was born to be a parent. 468 00:16:44,737 --> 00:16:47,040 This is gonna come as a surprise to you, 469 00:16:47,074 --> 00:16:49,709 but your dad was a different guy than you think. 470 00:16:49,742 --> 00:16:51,978 What?! Who?! Is that why I'm so short?! 471 00:16:52,011 --> 00:16:53,213 No! Haley! 472 00:16:53,246 --> 00:16:54,214 Oh. 473 00:16:54,247 --> 00:16:55,848 When I met your father, 474 00:16:55,882 --> 00:16:57,517 he did not have his life together. 475 00:16:58,236 --> 00:16:59,219 But to his credit, 476 00:16:59,252 --> 00:17:01,054 he really stepped up when I got pregnant, 477 00:17:01,088 --> 00:17:02,422 and I think that's what made it work. 478 00:17:02,455 --> 00:17:04,591 You know, having someone to depend on. 479 00:17:04,624 --> 00:17:05,725 Hmm. 480 00:17:05,758 --> 00:17:07,094 How did I get down this road? 481 00:17:07,266 --> 00:17:08,428 I don't know! 482 00:17:08,917 --> 00:17:09,976 Beats me. 483 00:17:10,011 --> 00:17:11,731 Bye! 484 00:17:11,764 --> 00:17:14,167 Okay. 485 00:17:14,201 --> 00:17:17,003 Why is Alex leaving the house dressed like a flasher? 486 00:17:17,036 --> 00:17:18,905 She and I agreed not to discuss it. 487 00:17:18,938 --> 00:17:21,441 Her sexual awakening has been tough on all of us. 488 00:17:21,474 --> 00:17:23,610 Yes. 489 00:17:23,643 --> 00:17:25,712 Second and 6 for the Dolphins. 490 00:17:25,745 --> 00:17:30,550 Thompson, I see you, I hear you, and I'm listening! 491 00:17:30,583 --> 00:17:32,885 I would have preferred you stuck to the play we called, 492 00:17:32,919 --> 00:17:35,122 but I respect your independent spirit! 493 00:17:37,390 --> 00:17:40,527 Okay, Pitkowski, treat the area around the quarterback 494 00:17:40,560 --> 00:17:41,861 as a "safe space," 495 00:17:41,894 --> 00:17:43,796 and think of the other team's defenders 496 00:17:43,830 --> 00:17:47,700 as destructive thoughts trying to attack our self-esteem! 497 00:17:47,734 --> 00:17:48,935 It's not working. 498 00:17:48,968 --> 00:17:51,238 I hate losing to a team with a Viking mascot. 499 00:17:51,271 --> 00:17:52,439 Hey! 500 00:17:52,472 --> 00:17:54,541 You died out and became Swedes! 501 00:17:54,574 --> 00:17:58,445 Hip-hip-hooray for socialism and seasonal depression! 502 00:17:58,478 --> 00:18:00,079 Our championship is on the line. 503 00:18:00,113 --> 00:18:01,248 You gotta do something. 504 00:18:04,151 --> 00:18:08,655 Men, this is the biggest moment of your life 505 00:18:08,688 --> 00:18:11,624 and I don't know how to fire you up! 506 00:18:11,658 --> 00:18:13,993 My original plan was to come in here, 507 00:18:14,026 --> 00:18:15,795 single out the under-performers 508 00:18:15,828 --> 00:18:18,064 and throw diapers at them! 509 00:18:18,097 --> 00:18:21,468 Now I realize that could be interpreted as insensitive 510 00:18:21,501 --> 00:18:23,603 or, perhaps, anti-baby! 511 00:18:23,636 --> 00:18:25,405 I'm sorry, 512 00:18:25,438 --> 00:18:30,777 but the football field was always my safe space, okay?! 513 00:18:30,810 --> 00:18:32,312 It's where, in high school, 514 00:18:32,345 --> 00:18:35,915 I first gained the respect of my peers, 515 00:18:35,948 --> 00:18:37,484 and if I'm being honest, 516 00:18:37,517 --> 00:18:41,087 where I'd hoped I'd finally gain the admiration of my father-in-law. 517 00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:44,123 Now I feel like I've just... 518 00:18:44,157 --> 00:18:45,892 let you all down. 519 00:18:47,126 --> 00:18:50,163 You want to know how I feel? 520 00:18:50,197 --> 00:18:54,534 Hurt that Coach Tucker doesn't know how much we appreciate him. 521 00:18:54,567 --> 00:18:58,538 Triggered because he's got to apologize for a few words 522 00:18:58,571 --> 00:19:02,709 after all he's done to prove himself as a man and a coach. 523 00:19:02,742 --> 00:19:05,345 I've admired you for a long time 524 00:19:05,378 --> 00:19:07,680 and if I haven't let you know that, that's on me... 525 00:19:07,714 --> 00:19:09,682 and I'm "cissy-gendered" enough to admit it. 526 00:19:09,716 --> 00:19:11,551 And from now on, 527 00:19:11,584 --> 00:19:13,453 I'm gonna make sure that Coach Tucker knows 528 00:19:13,486 --> 00:19:17,424 he's a person of value I admire and respect. 529 00:19:19,226 --> 00:19:23,096 Coach Tucker's a person of value I admire and respect! 530 00:19:23,230 --> 00:19:26,299 Coach Tucker's a person of value I admire and respect! 531 00:19:26,333 --> 00:19:29,969 Coach Tucker's a person of value I admire and respect! 532 00:19:30,002 --> 00:19:33,506 Coach Tucker's a person of value I admire and respect! 533 00:19:33,540 --> 00:19:35,575 Now let's go take it to these guys, 534 00:19:35,608 --> 00:19:37,544 who I'm sure are blessed with other gifts 535 00:19:37,577 --> 00:19:38,878 but are not great at football! 536 00:19:38,911 --> 00:19:40,046 Let's go! 537 00:19:45,051 --> 00:19:47,320 Can you believe they bought it? 538 00:19:47,354 --> 00:19:50,022 Bought what? 539 00:19:50,056 --> 00:19:53,360 We live in sensitive times. 540 00:19:53,393 --> 00:19:55,928 Nothing? 541 00:19:55,962 --> 00:19:57,086 No brain at all? 542 00:19:58,097 --> 00:19:59,499 Well, that's gonna hurt my career. 543 00:20:00,111 --> 00:20:03,403 So we must evolve if we want to succeed. 544 00:20:07,185 --> 00:20:10,443 Sometimes that requires us to share our vulnerabilities... 545 00:20:10,477 --> 00:20:11,911 Thanks. 546 00:20:11,944 --> 00:20:16,215 ...so that we can see one another in a new way. 547 00:20:16,249 --> 00:20:17,350 How are you doing? 548 00:20:17,384 --> 00:20:19,952 I think I'm okay with it. 549 00:20:19,986 --> 00:20:21,454 I'm scared. 550 00:20:21,488 --> 00:20:25,392 But it's less scary knowing I'm going through it with you. 551 00:20:28,328 --> 00:20:31,230 That concludes today's non-denominational 552 00:20:31,264 --> 00:20:33,533 inspirational affirmation. 553 00:20:33,566 --> 00:20:36,569 Have the day that's right for you. 554 00:20:38,070 --> 00:20:40,640 Let's see those little bastards complain about that. 555 00:20:40,673 --> 00:20:42,008 Oh, no! 556 00:20:44,243 --> 00:20:47,814 That's right, guys, high knees, high knees. 557 00:20:47,847 --> 00:20:49,582 Commie to your left! 558 00:20:49,616 --> 00:20:51,784 Commie to your right! 559 00:20:51,818 --> 00:20:53,486 Stop dragging, Pitkowski, 560 00:20:53,520 --> 00:20:54,987 they're coming after your sweetheart! 561 00:20:55,021 --> 00:20:56,255 You know what they did to Poland! 562 00:20:56,289 --> 00:20:57,424 Well, I want to stop this, 563 00:20:57,457 --> 00:20:59,992 but there's nothing in the guidelines about Communists. 564 00:21:00,026 --> 00:21:02,562 Now, we're high like a hippie! 565 00:21:02,595 --> 00:21:03,796 We're bending over like a... 566 00:21:03,830 --> 00:21:05,998 Okay! Shut it down, Jay! 567 00:21:06,032 --> 00:21:08,668 All right, boys, hydrate like I taught you. 568 00:21:10,227 --> 00:21:11,304 Attaboy. 569 00:21:13,940 --> 00:21:15,408 There you go. 570 00:21:19,512 --> 00:21:22,449 - synced and corrected by sot26 - www.addic7ed.com