1
00:00:00,001 --> 00:00:02,735
- Synced and corrected by medvidecek007 -
- www.addic7ed.com -

2
00:00:03,024 --> 00:00:06,592
Dear everyone, just because
you think I'm a weirdo

3
00:00:06,594 --> 00:00:07,893
doesn't mean I am.

4
00:00:07,895 --> 00:00:09,695
In fact, if you look at my life,

5
00:00:09,697 --> 00:00:11,907
I think you'll see I'm very normal.

6
00:00:12,376 --> 00:00:13,963
I pick out my own clothes every

7
00:00:13,969 --> 00:00:15,601
morning, like a normal person.

8
00:00:22,710 --> 00:00:25,015
I have a job, like a normal person.

9
00:00:25,021 --> 00:00:27,715
_

10
00:00:28,616 --> 00:00:30,416
I date, like a normal person.

11
00:00:30,418 --> 00:00:33,659
In fact, I've been seeing the
same girl for six months now.

12
00:00:33,665 --> 00:00:37,237
_

13
00:00:40,928 --> 00:00:43,496
I have a normal hobby... Darts.

14
00:00:55,943 --> 00:00:59,311
And every night, I do what
all normal people do...

15
00:00:59,313 --> 00:01:02,366
I watch episodes of my favorite TV show.

16
00:01:04,986 --> 00:01:07,253
What happens when everyone's favorite

17
00:01:07,255 --> 00:01:09,488
pro wrestler, Captain Preposterous...

18
00:01:09,490 --> 00:01:11,824
Whoo, doggie!

19
00:01:11,826 --> 00:01:13,759
... becomes a stepfather?

20
00:01:13,761 --> 00:01:15,161
You're not my dad!

21
00:01:15,163 --> 00:01:17,630
I'll show side boob if I
want to show side boob.

22
00:01:17,632 --> 00:01:19,064
You get a blended family

23
00:01:19,066 --> 00:01:22,001
where the preposterousness never ends.

24
00:01:22,003 --> 00:01:24,870
"The Preposterouses"!

25
00:01:24,872 --> 00:01:26,639
Has anyone seen my good cape?

26
00:01:26,641 --> 00:01:28,474
I'll help you find it.

27
00:01:28,476 --> 00:01:29,909
Come to think of it,

28
00:01:29,911 --> 00:01:31,644
the only thing that
isn't normal about me

29
00:01:31,646 --> 00:01:33,512
is my relationship with my family.

30
00:01:34,715 --> 00:01:36,370
Hey, Clem, it's me.

31
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How you doing, stranger?

32
00:01:37,868 --> 00:01:39,385
We're renting a beach
house this weekend,

33
00:01:39,387 --> 00:01:40,719
and we'd love to see you.

34
00:01:40,721 --> 00:01:42,321
I'll text you the address.

35
00:01:42,323 --> 00:01:45,398
Maybe you can bring that
girl we've heard about.

36
00:01:46,156 --> 00:01:50,258
_

37
00:01:51,972 --> 00:01:54,473
Hey, thanks so much for doing this.

38
00:01:54,479 --> 00:01:56,335
I haven't seen my family in a long time,

39
00:01:56,337 --> 00:01:58,970
and my mom thinks I have a girlfriend.

40
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Are you kidding?

41
00:02:00,641 --> 00:02:02,675
This is gonna be fun.

42
00:02:02,677 --> 00:02:05,077
I usually only get to
meet clients' families

43
00:02:05,079 --> 00:02:07,246
if they die at the club.

44
00:02:07,248 --> 00:02:09,515
Besides, I like you.

45
00:02:09,517 --> 00:02:10,983
You're my only regular

46
00:02:10,985 --> 00:02:14,360
who doesn't take his wiener
out and play with it.

47
00:02:15,027 --> 00:02:17,256
Unless you don't have a wiener.

48
00:02:17,262 --> 00:02:19,095
Do you have a wiener?

49
00:02:19,140 --> 00:02:20,372
I-I do.

50
00:02:20,378 --> 00:02:22,545
I-I ha... I have a wiener.

51
00:02:22,551 --> 00:02:24,618
Then, you're quite the gentleman.

52
00:02:30,948 --> 00:02:33,272
I don't understand what the big deal is.

53
00:02:33,274 --> 00:02:35,307
I mean, so I stole Vivian's mail.

54
00:02:35,309 --> 00:02:36,709
Who cares?

55
00:02:36,711 --> 00:02:39,878
Well, uh, Vivian. I mean, Vivian cares.

56
00:02:39,880 --> 00:02:41,747
I mean, you ran off with
her new credit card.

57
00:02:41,749 --> 00:02:43,111
I mean, if you wanted new shoes so bad,

58
00:02:43,117 --> 00:02:44,540
you should have just stolen shoes.

59
00:02:44,546 --> 00:02:48,153
Yeah, well, I didn't think
that through, obviously.

60
00:02:48,155 --> 00:02:49,888
Hopefully, we can get her
to drop the charges.

61
00:02:49,890 --> 00:02:51,824
But until then, you have
to get me out of here.

62
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Okay, with what? Bail is $50,000.

63
00:02:54,562 --> 00:02:57,062
And a bail bondsman's even
gonna charge 10% of that.

64
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So, that's basically everything we have

65
00:02:58,766 --> 00:03:00,099
in the whole wedding fund.

66
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I mean, goodbye chocolate foundation.

67
00:03:02,670 --> 00:03:05,237
Cut it out. Let's wrap it up.

68
00:03:05,239 --> 00:03:07,306
We need this room for a strip search.

69
00:03:09,464 --> 00:03:10,843
Here.

70
00:03:10,845 --> 00:03:12,211
Just give me a second.

71
00:03:12,213 --> 00:03:14,079
- Why?
- Just give me a sec.

72
00:03:14,081 --> 00:03:15,514
- Why?
- Because I need a second.

73
00:03:15,516 --> 00:03:16,969
- Why?
- Because I do.

74
00:03:16,975 --> 00:03:18,049
Why?

75
00:03:18,055 --> 00:03:19,766
Because there were two
women in the hallway

76
00:03:19,772 --> 00:03:21,515
who were making out, and
now I have a boner.

77
00:03:21,521 --> 00:03:23,289
And I don't want to hold my
son while I have a boner.

78
00:03:23,291 --> 00:03:25,503
Okay, well, why didn't you just say so?

79
00:03:25,509 --> 00:03:27,233
Let me know when it's gone.

80
00:03:30,197 --> 00:03:32,197
Yeah, the girls in
here are really horny.

81
00:03:32,199 --> 00:03:34,433
I mean, one of them keeps
calling me her little kitty

82
00:03:34,435 --> 00:03:35,934
and saying she wants
to lick me all over...

83
00:03:35,936 --> 00:03:37,971
You're just prolonging this.

84
00:03:40,608 --> 00:03:42,608
Well, if we're gonna
pretend to be dating,

85
00:03:42,610 --> 00:03:44,710
we should probably know some
stuff about each other.

86
00:03:44,712 --> 00:03:48,180
Like, I'm allergic to laundry
detergent, I like darts,

87
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and I still have two of my baby teeth.

88
00:03:50,384 --> 00:03:51,583
Wow.

89
00:03:51,585 --> 00:03:53,018
Oh, oh! And my name's Clem.

90
00:03:53,020 --> 00:03:54,787
Got it. Yeah. Clem.

91
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Oh, well, my real name is Dorothy.

92
00:03:56,757 --> 00:03:58,023
I grew up in the mountains,

93
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but I moved when the bikini bar closed.

94
00:04:00,328 --> 00:04:02,861
I'm allergic to horsehair carpet,

95
00:04:02,863 --> 00:04:05,564
my favorite color is smoky lavender,

96
00:04:05,566 --> 00:04:07,466
and I bleach my butthole.

97
00:04:07,468 --> 00:04:09,101
Really?

98
00:04:09,103 --> 00:04:11,470
Well, from my side of the
glass, it looks very natural.

99
00:04:11,472 --> 00:04:12,525
Thanks.

100
00:04:12,531 --> 00:04:16,212
I got a great butthole guy,
if you want his number.

101
00:04:16,825 --> 00:04:18,410
Good to know.

102
00:04:21,818 --> 00:04:23,749
Okay. Yeah, well, I got to go.

103
00:04:23,751 --> 00:04:25,184
Bye.

104
00:04:28,155 --> 00:04:30,656
Whoa! Where'd you get that?

105
00:04:30,658 --> 00:04:32,024
Got it from some triplets

106
00:04:32,026 --> 00:04:33,692
who were sick of fighting over it.

107
00:04:33,694 --> 00:04:36,200
You were saying you get lonely
when I'm out delivering food,

108
00:04:36,206 --> 00:04:38,964
so I thought, this way, you
could come with me sometimes.

109
00:04:38,966 --> 00:04:41,333
Sometimes? How about all the time?

110
00:04:41,335 --> 00:04:43,435
You can steer. I'll sit on the back

111
00:04:43,437 --> 00:04:46,472
and feed you Pringles when
you get hungry... partners.

112
00:04:46,474 --> 00:04:48,093
We'll split tips 50-50.

113
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Yeah, o-okay.

114
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I usually just pull over to the
sidewalk to enjoy my chips.

115
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But okay.

116
00:04:56,584 --> 00:04:59,218
Hey, have you seen my
Washington Capitals T-shirt?

117
00:04:59,220 --> 00:05:01,153
It's really soft, so I like
to wear it in the morning

118
00:05:01,155 --> 00:05:02,527
when I'm sitting quietly on the beach

119
00:05:02,533 --> 00:05:04,231
thinking about nothing for 20 minutes.

120
00:05:04,237 --> 00:05:06,504
You mean meditating.

121
00:05:06,510 --> 00:05:08,175
What's meditating?

122
00:05:08,181 --> 00:05:09,230
Oh! Oh!

123
00:05:09,236 --> 00:05:12,137
I'm also allergic to nuts...
All of them.

124
00:05:12,143 --> 00:05:13,855
Except for raisins.

125
00:05:14,934 --> 00:05:16,934
Are raisins nuts?

126
00:05:17,104 --> 00:05:19,905
Well, maybe not technically,

127
00:05:19,907 --> 00:05:21,833
but they're always hanging out together.

128
00:05:21,839 --> 00:05:24,473
I think they're, like, food cousins.

129
00:05:24,645 --> 00:05:26,044
Hmm.

130
00:05:27,381 --> 00:05:28,847
Oh, uh, there's one last thing

131
00:05:28,849 --> 00:05:30,349
I should warn you about my family...

132
00:05:30,351 --> 00:05:32,885
Uh, there's a very strong
chance that we might...

133
00:05:32,887 --> 00:05:34,887
Whoo! Don't...

134
00:05:37,191 --> 00:05:39,391
Never mind. It's just Clem.

135
00:05:41,354 --> 00:05:43,228
...be on TV?

136
00:05:46,777 --> 00:05:48,286
I suppose you could argue that

137
00:05:48,292 --> 00:05:49,668
keeping a big part of your life

138
00:05:49,674 --> 00:05:51,741
secret from the rest of
the world isn't normal,

139
00:05:51,743 --> 00:05:54,544
but I guess I'm worried
no one would believe me.

140
00:06:01,628 --> 00:06:04,683
Clem, you came! Are you alone?

141
00:06:04,689 --> 00:06:06,891
- Uh... no.
- Hey, Clem.

142
00:06:06,897 --> 00:06:08,258
Who's your friend?

143
00:06:08,260 --> 00:06:10,260
Sinnomin. Ah, uh...

144
00:06:10,262 --> 00:06:13,363
is her, uh, favorite spice,
but her real name is Dorothy.

145
00:06:13,365 --> 00:06:15,550
Nice to meet you, Dorothy.

146
00:06:15,697 --> 00:06:17,831
I like nutmeg.

147
00:06:17,872 --> 00:06:19,571
Wait a minute.

148
00:06:19,577 --> 00:06:21,204
I've seen this show.

149
00:06:21,206 --> 00:06:23,973
Yo-You're the wrestler
who's always saying...

150
00:06:23,975 --> 00:06:26,309
Whooooooooooooooo, doggie!

151
00:06:26,311 --> 00:06:27,410
Yep.

152
00:06:27,412 --> 00:06:28,945
And you're the one that always says...

153
00:06:28,947 --> 00:06:30,376
Suck my puss!

154
00:06:30,382 --> 00:06:31,748
Nice to meet you.

155
00:06:31,750 --> 00:06:34,150
I like that eye shadow.
What color is that?

156
00:06:34,152 --> 00:06:35,952
Smoky lavender.

157
00:06:35,954 --> 00:06:39,289
I can't believe this. I love you guys.

158
00:06:39,291 --> 00:06:41,325
I-I've been saving up to buy one

159
00:06:41,331 --> 00:06:43,359
of those electric lip plumpers

160
00:06:43,361 --> 00:06:44,994
you do the commercials for.

161
00:06:44,996 --> 00:06:46,778
Don't be silly. A friend of Clem's

162
00:06:46,784 --> 00:06:48,356
doesn't pay for fuller lips.

163
00:06:49,200 --> 00:06:50,652
Oh, my God.

164
00:06:50,658 --> 00:06:52,235
Thank you!

165
00:06:52,237 --> 00:06:55,438
You just saved me seven
easy payments of $29.99

166
00:06:55,440 --> 00:06:57,307
plus the shipping and handling.

167
00:06:57,309 --> 00:06:59,551
Shipping and handling
is where they get you.

168
00:06:59,557 --> 00:07:01,829
Handling isn't even a thing.

169
00:07:03,881 --> 00:07:05,613
Can we do the meet and greet later?

170
00:07:05,619 --> 00:07:07,523
That's the food-delivery guy, and we're

171
00:07:07,529 --> 00:07:09,559
trying to create a
little preposterousness.

172
00:07:09,565 --> 00:07:11,198
Picture's up!

173
00:07:11,204 --> 00:07:14,799
Clem, you and your friend can go
wait upstairs in the bedroom.

174
00:07:14,805 --> 00:07:16,204
Oh.

175
00:07:16,210 --> 00:07:18,343
All right. Sure.

176
00:07:18,456 --> 00:07:20,590
Um, come on.

177
00:07:24,402 --> 00:07:26,916
Oh. What are we supposed
to do with this guy?

178
00:07:26,922 --> 00:07:28,951
I don't know. Just try and rile him up

179
00:07:28,957 --> 00:07:30,390
and we'll see where it goes.

180
00:07:35,246 --> 00:07:38,114
I hope your dumb ass brought duck sauce.

181
00:07:39,163 --> 00:07:40,963
Uh, no.

182
00:07:41,060 --> 00:07:42,893
This isn't Chinese food.

183
00:07:42,899 --> 00:07:44,365
Aw, hell no.

184
00:07:44,392 --> 00:07:46,926
You better not be bringing
the race card into this.

185
00:07:46,928 --> 00:07:50,296
Whooooooooooooooo, doggie!

186
00:07:53,008 --> 00:07:54,634
I think I have some duck sauce

187
00:07:54,636 --> 00:07:56,703
back in my van if you want to go back.

188
00:07:56,705 --> 00:07:57,937
Hey, guys, can you step in?

189
00:07:57,939 --> 00:07:59,439
You're kind of in a bad light, there.

190
00:08:03,111 --> 00:08:04,878
I can't believe this.

191
00:08:04,880 --> 00:08:07,013
Captain Prepostitous is your father?

192
00:08:07,015 --> 00:08:09,782
No. Uh, my real dad took
off when I was two.

193
00:08:09,784 --> 00:08:11,813
But it's kind of a long story.

194
00:08:11,819 --> 00:08:15,355
As a child, I had a condition
that left me with bald spots.

195
00:08:15,357 --> 00:08:17,657
And because of that, people
thought I was weird.

196
00:08:17,659 --> 00:08:20,260
So, I usually just stayed
inside with my sister.

197
00:08:20,262 --> 00:08:22,362
We loved wrestling,

198
00:08:22,364 --> 00:08:25,131
and our favorite wrestler
was Captain Preposterous.

199
00:08:25,133 --> 00:08:26,699
Signature move!

200
00:08:26,701 --> 00:08:28,835
So, when he came to town,

201
00:08:28,837 --> 00:08:30,670
my mother took me to meet him.

202
00:08:38,113 --> 00:08:39,846
It turned out Captain Preposterous

203
00:08:39,848 --> 00:08:41,447
was a real romantic.

204
00:08:49,057 --> 00:08:51,958
And it didn't take long
for him to pop the question.

205
00:08:55,363 --> 00:08:57,845
Just like that, we were a family...

206
00:08:59,401 --> 00:09:01,634
A family that Captain
Preposterous thought

207
00:09:01,636 --> 00:09:03,503
should have their own reality show.

208
00:09:03,505 --> 00:09:06,139
So, there I am, getting scolded
for speaking out of turn

209
00:09:06,141 --> 00:09:07,840
in the middle of a PTA meeting.

210
00:09:07,842 --> 00:09:10,243
Me, getting scolded!

211
00:09:10,245 --> 00:09:11,578
Can you imagine?

212
00:09:11,584 --> 00:09:12,950
That is hilarious.

213
00:09:12,956 --> 00:09:14,316
I am sold.

214
00:09:14,322 --> 00:09:16,215
And now that "Hogan Knows
Best" has been cancelled,

215
00:09:16,217 --> 00:09:18,351
there's a Hulk-sized hole in the market.

216
00:09:18,353 --> 00:09:19,719
Before I knew it, there were cameras

217
00:09:19,721 --> 00:09:21,387
filming everyone in the house.

218
00:09:21,389 --> 00:09:22,490
Hold!

219
00:09:22,496 --> 00:09:23,790
Well, almost everyone.

220
00:09:23,792 --> 00:09:25,058
Oh, I'm sorry.

221
00:09:25,060 --> 00:09:26,313
I didn't know you guys were in here.

222
00:09:26,319 --> 00:09:28,628
Someone at the network thought
the weird little bald kid

223
00:09:28,630 --> 00:09:30,430
distracted from the rest of the family.

224
00:09:30,432 --> 00:09:31,864
Action!

225
00:09:31,866 --> 00:09:33,415
The show became a hit, and for

226
00:09:33,421 --> 00:09:35,101
for last eight years, it's all they do.

227
00:09:35,103 --> 00:09:37,379
She can stay on the floor. I don't care.

228
00:09:37,385 --> 00:09:38,978
Watching TV became the only way

229
00:09:38,984 --> 00:09:40,673
for me to spend time with them.

230
00:09:43,578 --> 00:09:46,045
But then, a few months ago,
I-I started taking this medicine

231
00:09:46,047 --> 00:09:47,307
for my hair loss, you know?

232
00:09:47,313 --> 00:09:49,349
So, I figured, if I came
back with a girlfriend,

233
00:09:49,351 --> 00:09:51,284
then maybe they would
finally think I was normal

234
00:09:51,286 --> 00:09:54,632
and maybe let me be on their TV show.

235
00:09:55,190 --> 00:09:57,291
You better suck my puss!

236
00:09:58,026 --> 00:10:00,109
I'm sorry. Suck your what?

237
00:10:00,862 --> 00:10:03,396
I think she said her puss.

238
00:10:03,398 --> 00:10:06,065
And her parents are right there.

239
00:10:07,602 --> 00:10:09,471
- This isn't working.
- Fine.

240
00:10:09,477 --> 00:10:10,757
Cut.

241
00:10:10,763 --> 00:10:12,939
I thought we'd try and capture
something real for once.

242
00:10:12,941 --> 00:10:14,648
Never mind. Gail, get everybody a copy

243
00:10:14,654 --> 00:10:16,309
of the script for the séance scene.

244
00:10:16,311 --> 00:10:17,844
Guys, I need you to
sign this release form

245
00:10:17,846 --> 00:10:19,112
in case we use any of that.

246
00:10:19,114 --> 00:10:20,313
We might be on TV?

247
00:10:20,315 --> 00:10:22,181
- I hope not.
- Oh, I can't.

248
00:10:22,183 --> 00:10:23,817
I told my parents I've been attending

249
00:10:23,823 --> 00:10:25,318
law school in Connecticut, so...

250
00:10:25,320 --> 00:10:28,021
If they see this, they're
gonna want to talk.

251
00:10:49,752 --> 00:10:52,186
We're gonna get Mommy out of jail, okay?

252
00:10:52,192 --> 00:10:54,121
All right.

253
00:10:54,127 --> 00:10:56,149
Okay. There we go.

254
00:10:56,151 --> 00:10:58,184
We did it. All right.

255
00:11:01,156 --> 00:11:02,855
Vivian!

256
00:11:04,359 --> 00:11:06,826
Vivian, I know you're in there.

257
00:11:06,828 --> 00:11:09,493
Why did Eddie have to show up

258
00:11:09,499 --> 00:11:12,065
and take you away from me?

259
00:11:12,067 --> 00:11:13,697
I'm sure you're probably upset

260
00:11:13,703 --> 00:11:15,435
because Nikki stole your mail,

261
00:11:15,437 --> 00:11:17,770
but I can explain the whole thing.

262
00:11:17,772 --> 00:11:20,406
I was doing everything right...

263
00:11:20,408 --> 00:11:22,975
Acting like a lady,

264
00:11:22,977 --> 00:11:25,878
waiting for you to
make the first move...

265
00:11:25,880 --> 00:11:27,346
Vivian!

266
00:11:27,348 --> 00:11:29,282
She's sick, okay?

267
00:11:29,284 --> 00:11:31,884
She's... She's addicted
to shoe shopping.

268
00:11:31,886 --> 00:11:36,508
... pretending to be
all sweet and innocent.

269
00:11:36,790 --> 00:11:39,121
Oh, yeah, you like that.

270
00:11:39,127 --> 00:11:40,526
I shredded her credit cards,

271
00:11:40,528 --> 00:11:43,062
but it forced her to get
one somewhere else.

272
00:11:43,064 --> 00:11:44,931
You're perfect.

273
00:11:44,933 --> 00:11:46,599
Did you know that?

274
00:11:46,601 --> 00:11:50,737
Not, like, perfect perfect,
but, like, perfect for me,

275
00:11:50,739 --> 00:11:54,574
because I am a little older than you.

276
00:11:54,576 --> 00:11:58,878
But you're also kind of really,
really, really, really dumb

277
00:11:58,880 --> 00:12:02,482
and also homeless,
which is a dealbreaker

278
00:12:02,484 --> 00:12:06,085
for a lot of women other than me.

279
00:12:06,087 --> 00:12:07,720
Come here. Shh.

280
00:12:07,722 --> 00:12:09,722
Come here. Shh. Come here.

281
00:12:09,724 --> 00:12:12,058
Vi-Vivian, I think I saw you move.

282
00:12:13,228 --> 00:12:15,995
- What the hell is that?
- This is an O-I-jee board.

283
00:12:15,997 --> 00:12:18,030
- Ouija board.
- Ouija board.

284
00:12:18,032 --> 00:12:19,932
You won't listen to me,
so I thought we'd ask

285
00:12:19,934 --> 00:12:21,734
your real dad if you
should go to college.

286
00:12:21,736 --> 00:12:24,370
That's why we came to the
beach for the weekend, honey.

287
00:12:24,372 --> 00:12:27,573
Since your dad died on
a boat, this is the...

288
00:12:27,575 --> 00:12:28,708
Line!

289
00:12:28,710 --> 00:12:31,144
"This is the closest
we can get to his spirit

290
00:12:31,146 --> 00:12:33,179
"without getting our hair wet."

291
00:12:33,181 --> 00:12:34,876
This is the closest we
can get to his spirit

292
00:12:34,882 --> 00:12:36,349
without getting our hair wet.

293
00:12:36,351 --> 00:12:38,518
Washington.

294
00:12:38,520 --> 00:12:39,842
White House.

295
00:12:39,848 --> 00:12:43,122
This is bullshit. You
should be out there

296
00:12:43,124 --> 00:12:44,991
pretending to talk to your dead dad.

297
00:12:44,993 --> 00:12:47,794
Have you told them that you
want to be on the show?

298
00:12:47,796 --> 00:12:49,090
No.

299
00:12:49,096 --> 00:12:50,730
I mean, I've had the conversation,

300
00:12:50,732 --> 00:12:52,331
like, a thousand times in my head.

301
00:12:52,333 --> 00:12:54,233
I'm... I'm just too much of a pussy

302
00:12:54,235 --> 00:12:55,668
to say anything out loud.

303
00:12:55,670 --> 00:12:57,537
That's crazy.

304
00:12:57,539 --> 00:12:59,572
Hey, you're not a pussy.

305
00:12:59,574 --> 00:13:01,477
You asked me to come here and

306
00:13:01,483 --> 00:13:03,576
pretend to be your girlfriend.

307
00:13:03,578 --> 00:13:05,745
That took a lot of guts.

308
00:13:07,531 --> 00:13:08,763
- Really?
- Yeah.

309
00:13:08,769 --> 00:13:10,302
You don't know me.

310
00:13:10,308 --> 00:13:13,843
Halfway here, I could have taken
out a knife and robbed you.

311
00:13:14,155 --> 00:13:15,988
That's, like, a real possibility.

312
00:13:15,990 --> 00:13:17,581
I have a knife in my purse,

313
00:13:17,587 --> 00:13:19,525
and I've robbed people before.

314
00:13:19,527 --> 00:13:21,460
Well, thanks, but I
didn't really ask you.

315
00:13:21,462 --> 00:13:23,119
I-I wrote it down on a piece of paper.

316
00:13:23,125 --> 00:13:25,959
It's... It's much easier
than actually talking.

317
00:13:30,749 --> 00:13:32,665
So write it down.

318
00:13:34,221 --> 00:13:35,724
Here.

319
00:13:37,445 --> 00:13:39,946
- Serious?
- Yeah. Why not?

320
00:13:39,948 --> 00:13:42,582
But don't just ask to be on the show.

321
00:13:42,584 --> 00:13:44,593
First, you need to convince

322
00:13:44,599 --> 00:13:47,614
them that you're not a weirdo.

323
00:13:48,156 --> 00:13:51,624
Dear everyone, just because
you think I'm a weirdo

324
00:13:51,626 --> 00:13:53,133
doesn't mean I am.

325
00:13:53,139 --> 00:13:54,794
In fact, if you look at my life,

326
00:13:54,796 --> 00:13:56,762
I think you'll see I'm very normal.

327
00:13:56,764 --> 00:13:58,272
I pick out my own clothes every

328
00:13:58,278 --> 00:13:59,828
morning, like a normal person.

329
00:13:59,834 --> 00:14:02,368
I have a job, like a normal person.

330
00:14:02,370 --> 00:14:05,147
I date, like a normal person.

331
00:14:09,024 --> 00:14:12,526
No. You're spelling
"Annapolis" wrong again.

332
00:14:12,948 --> 00:14:15,748
Clem has something
he wants you all to read.

333
00:14:15,754 --> 00:14:17,521
Guys, can we just get a minute?

334
00:14:17,523 --> 00:14:18,956
Clem, what is this?

335
00:14:18,958 --> 00:14:21,358
That? Nothing. Nothing.
Nothing important. What?

336
00:14:21,360 --> 00:14:24,261
No, Clem, you got... You...

337
00:14:24,263 --> 00:14:26,463
He wants to be on the show.

338
00:14:26,465 --> 00:14:28,432
You can't just pretend he doesn't exist

339
00:14:28,434 --> 00:14:30,818
because you think he's weird.

340
00:14:30,824 --> 00:14:32,390
He's your family.

341
00:14:32,538 --> 00:14:34,171
Our family?

342
00:14:34,173 --> 00:14:36,506
- Clem, what did you tell her?
- Nothing. Nothing.

343
00:14:36,508 --> 00:14:37,741
Clem?

344
00:14:37,743 --> 00:14:39,309
What did... What did you tell her, huh?

345
00:14:39,311 --> 00:14:42,218
Please stop... Please stop talking.

346
00:14:42,224 --> 00:14:44,123
Suck my puss. Suck my puss.

347
00:14:44,129 --> 00:14:46,416
Whoooooooooo, doggie! Mm!

348
00:14:46,418 --> 00:14:47,851
Clem, it's okay. I'm
gonna call your mother.

349
00:14:47,853 --> 00:14:49,386
I'm gonna call your mother!

350
00:14:49,388 --> 00:14:50,754
I thought you were his mother.

351
00:14:50,756 --> 00:14:52,389
I think you're just confused.

352
00:14:52,391 --> 00:14:53,890
I think you're confused.

353
00:14:53,892 --> 00:14:56,426
Uh, what the hell is going on here?

354
00:14:56,428 --> 00:14:57,628
It's a long story.

355
00:14:57,630 --> 00:14:59,029
You're a long story!

356
00:14:59,031 --> 00:15:01,264
We met Clem when he was 13.

357
00:15:01,266 --> 00:15:02,699
Signature move!

358
00:15:02,701 --> 00:15:04,534
His mother, Diane, was our housekeeper,

359
00:15:04,536 --> 00:15:06,737
and she would bring
Clem to work because...

360
00:15:06,739 --> 00:15:08,672
Well, he had some issues...

361
00:15:08,674 --> 00:15:10,374
The worst being that
he would eat his hair

362
00:15:10,376 --> 00:15:13,377
whenever he got upset, which was a lot.

363
00:15:13,379 --> 00:15:15,345
Anyway, I felt bad for Diane,

364
00:15:15,347 --> 00:15:18,448
so I tried to include her
and Clem when I could.

365
00:15:20,419 --> 00:15:21,885
But once we started filming the show,

366
00:15:21,887 --> 00:15:23,820
it became difficult to have Clem around.

367
00:15:23,822 --> 00:15:26,790
He kept finding excuses
to sneak on camera.

368
00:15:26,792 --> 00:15:29,126
Hold!

369
00:15:29,128 --> 00:15:30,427
Oh, I'm sorry.

370
00:15:30,429 --> 00:15:33,261
I didn't know you guys were in here.

371
00:15:36,235 --> 00:15:38,935
Plus, in season three, we
had to get rid of Diane

372
00:15:38,937 --> 00:15:42,637
because the network wanted
to add some sexy diversity.

373
00:15:48,148 --> 00:15:52,116
Diane understood, but Clem didn't.

374
00:15:52,122 --> 00:15:53,617
Come on. Here you go, Clem.

375
00:15:53,619 --> 00:15:55,218
Clem! Come on! Clem!

376
00:15:55,220 --> 00:15:56,953
We got to go!

377
00:15:56,955 --> 00:15:58,255
Hey! Come on!

378
00:16:01,593 --> 00:16:03,560
Diane and I still keep in touch, though.

379
00:16:03,562 --> 00:16:05,352
Last we spoke, Clem's shrink

380
00:16:05,358 --> 00:16:07,397
had him on anti-psychotic meds

381
00:16:07,399 --> 00:16:08,865
that control the hair eating

382
00:16:08,867 --> 00:16:11,702
as long he avoids stressful situations,

383
00:16:11,704 --> 00:16:13,804
like picking out clothes.

384
00:16:15,708 --> 00:16:17,741
She also said he has a job.

385
00:16:17,743 --> 00:16:19,409
He's been seeing a girl.

386
00:16:19,411 --> 00:16:20,911
He even has a hobby.

387
00:16:22,681 --> 00:16:24,948
And he never misses
an episode of our show.

388
00:16:24,950 --> 00:16:26,750
So, I thought it would be
nice to try and see him

389
00:16:26,752 --> 00:16:28,251
while we were in town.

390
00:16:28,253 --> 00:16:30,053
I'll text you the address.

391
00:16:30,055 --> 00:16:32,723
Maybe you can bring that
girl we've heard about.

392
00:16:32,725 --> 00:16:34,858
And please tell your mom to come, too.

393
00:16:34,860 --> 00:16:36,593
Bye.

394
00:16:36,595 --> 00:16:38,562
Who was that on the phone?

395
00:16:38,564 --> 00:16:40,097
DMV. Uh, uh, you got...

396
00:16:40,099 --> 00:16:41,798
You got to call them back. Ask for Rick.

397
00:16:41,800 --> 00:16:44,067
Message deleted.

398
00:16:46,739 --> 00:16:48,538
His mother told me
he used to like to pretend

399
00:16:48,540 --> 00:16:51,108
that he was related to us.
I thought it was sweet.

400
00:16:51,110 --> 00:16:53,432
I didn't actually think he believed it.

401
00:16:54,279 --> 00:16:55,812
Maybe we should call the cops.

402
00:16:55,814 --> 00:16:59,583
Not yet. Clem, can you tell me
how you're feeling right now?

403
00:16:59,585 --> 00:17:01,585
Leave him alone. Clem,
I'm gonna call your mom.

404
00:17:01,587 --> 00:17:03,453
No! I'm staying here,

405
00:17:03,455 --> 00:17:05,255
with Captain Preposterous and my family.

406
00:17:05,257 --> 00:17:06,823
We're not your family, Clem.

407
00:17:06,825 --> 00:17:09,559
So, just calm down, or we're
gonna have to call the police.

408
00:17:10,649 --> 00:17:12,248
Stay back!

409
00:17:36,278 --> 00:17:38,178
Whoooooo, doggie!

410
00:17:42,294 --> 00:17:44,728
Sorry.

411
00:17:44,730 --> 00:17:47,738
Once I start, my signature-move
muscle memory kicks in.

412
00:17:47,744 --> 00:17:48,943
I got to finish.

413
00:17:59,627 --> 00:18:01,761
Buddy, that was awesome.

414
00:18:01,763 --> 00:18:03,729
It's the most real this
show has ever been.

415
00:18:03,731 --> 00:18:05,508
It's gonna be our best episode yet.

416
00:18:05,514 --> 00:18:08,300
I'm gonna be on TV?
With Captain Preposterous?

417
00:18:08,302 --> 00:18:10,302
Yep. You're gonna be a star.

418
00:18:10,304 --> 00:18:12,171
I just need you to sign this release.

419
00:18:12,177 --> 00:18:13,639
Are you going to use
the part where he uses

420
00:18:13,641 --> 00:18:15,841
his signature move to immobilize me?

421
00:18:15,843 --> 00:18:18,277
Are you kidding? I think
it's gonna be the act break.

422
00:18:18,279 --> 00:18:19,812
Put the pen in my mouth.

423
00:18:35,800 --> 00:18:39,565
? When I didn't hear back,
went and packed my bags ?

424
00:18:39,567 --> 00:18:43,135
? And I started on my search ?

425
00:18:43,137 --> 00:18:47,106
? Yeah, I'm bound to find
you and remind you ?

426
00:18:47,108 --> 00:18:50,447
? That living without you is the worst ?

427
00:18:51,512 --> 00:18:54,413
? No, no, no, no, no, no ?

428
00:18:54,415 --> 00:18:58,083
? I ain't letting go ?

429
00:18:58,085 --> 00:19:00,019
? We were meant to be ?

430
00:19:00,021 --> 00:19:01,620
? This is destiny ?

431
00:19:01,622 --> 00:19:03,589
? I know you know ?

432
00:19:03,591 --> 00:19:07,366
? I ain't letting go ?

433
00:19:08,763 --> 00:19:12,765
? I found your cellphone
records, utility bill ?

434
00:19:12,767 --> 00:19:16,468
? And prescriptions
for some sleeping pills ?

435
00:19:16,470 --> 00:19:17,970
? Yeah, I'm getting close ?

436
00:19:17,972 --> 00:19:19,805
? My love's like rock 'n' roll ?

437
00:19:19,807 --> 00:19:21,807
? It never dies ?

438
00:19:21,809 --> 00:19:24,743
? It never dies, no ?

439
00:19:24,745 --> 00:19:27,613
? No, no, no, no, no, no ?

440
00:19:27,615 --> 00:19:31,250
? I ain't letting go ?

441
00:19:31,252 --> 00:19:33,219
? We were meant to be ?

442
00:19:33,221 --> 00:19:34,753
? This is destiny ?

443
00:19:34,755 --> 00:19:36,722
? I know you know ?

444
00:19:36,724 --> 00:19:41,496
? I ain't letting go ?

445
00:19:42,697 --> 00:19:46,098
? Lace up my boots ?

446
00:19:46,100 --> 00:19:49,766
? I battled for you ?

447
00:19:50,571 --> 00:19:54,240
? It's what I do ?

448
00:19:54,242 --> 00:19:56,753
Hey. I'm here to pick up
the keys for Bare Feet Retreat.

449
00:19:56,759 --> 00:19:58,784
Okay. Well, I hope you're
here for the music festival.

450
00:19:58,790 --> 00:20:01,170
If not, you picked the wrong
weekend. It gets a little crazy.

451
00:20:01,176 --> 00:20:02,775
Oh, no. We're... We're
here for Beacharoo.

452
00:20:02,781 --> 00:20:05,482
We might, uh, look like
a couple of boring parents,

453
00:20:05,488 --> 00:20:07,166
but she has a tramp stamp from Coachella

454
00:20:07,172 --> 00:20:08,881
and I got my nipple pierced at the mall.

455
00:20:08,887 --> 00:20:11,154
Okay. Great. Well, I'll
just find the keys.

456
00:20:11,160 --> 00:20:12,893
? Yeah, I'll keep you safe ?

457
00:20:12,899 --> 00:20:14,773
? Smile on that pretty face ?

458
00:20:14,781 --> 00:20:16,647
Are we sure he's old enough for this?

459
00:20:16,649 --> 00:20:18,115
He still sucks his thumb.

460
00:20:18,117 --> 00:20:20,438
That's exactly why this is a good idea.

461
00:20:20,444 --> 00:20:22,177
Boy's got to grow up sometime.

462
00:20:22,183 --> 00:20:25,251
? I ain't letting go ?

463
00:20:25,425 --> 00:20:27,658
? I ain't letting go ?

464
00:20:27,660 --> 00:20:32,163
? No, I ain't letting go

465
00:20:34,254 --> 00:20:38,524
- Synced and corrected by medvidecek007 -
- www.addic7ed.com -

