You got us going to the opera
three nights in a row?
Just tell me what I did wrong, and I won't do it again.
No, no. It's an arts festival, all right?
The first night is opera, the second night is ballet,
and then the third night is
jazz poetry.
Did you say "jazz poetry"?
Listen, I-I watched this Oprah thing
about how exposing yourself to the fine arts
can maximize your life's potential.
You ever notice Oprah doesn't have a husband?
Mom, you have to return this shirt.
Tiffany from school said it was offensively boring.
Andi, Katie doesn't like her shirt. We can't go out.
Here's what you do; you look Tiffany
straight in the eye, and you say,
"It doesn't matter what I wear
because there's a candle in me that no wind can blow out."
Sure, I'll say that
if you tell me what school you're transferring me to.
Oh.
Oh, guys, that's the babysitter.
Hi.
I'm sorry, uh, I think you're in the wrong neighborhood.
Are you looking for Coachella?
Adam, this is Sophia.
She volunteers down at the hospital.
- Oh. - Hi. You must be Emme.
I'm the cute one you're not gonna be able to say no to.
I was just thinking that.
I'm Ted. What's up, girl?
Don't say that.
You said it was a good line for picking up babes.
Don't say that, either.
Uh, come on in.
Awesome.
And, Andi, come on out.
J-Just one...
What have you brought into our home?
What's wrong with Sophia?
Oh, come on. What does she do down at the hospital?
Just walk around and give people a reason to live?
Plus, I thought Katie was our babysitter now.
Well, yeah, but this is three school nights in a row.
And I knew Kate would be mad if I got a sitter,
so I got a young, cool one that she'd like.
Andi, you made a rule in this house
that we would never hire hot babysitters.
You said, "No one above a six"
She's a 60.
Yes, Adam, there was a time that I didn't want
a young, hot girl hanging around my husband, but...
it's fine now.
What is that supposed to mean?
You know, we're getting older...
Okay, don't include me in that.
I am not getting older.
I am maturing into a silver fox.
Okay? And what is more attractive
to a young woman than a silver fox?
A young, healthy fox?
Andi, the dad and the hot babysitter?
That's the premise of, like, every good movie.
Alpha male providing for his family.
Young minx sees that, wants that,
decides to kill the wife
and make new babies with Mr. Alpha.
It's a whole aisle at the video store.
Okay, well, I'm gonna say,
if you think there's still video stores,
I got nothing to worry about.
They make these babysitter movies
because it's a real thing.
Let me tell you something, I've been getting looks
from babysitters since... I was babysat.
She drags me to this thing and now she's sleeping?
She is gonna pay for this.
Oh, yeah.
So, how'd it go?
Oh, the kids were great.
You know, I think it's so sweet that Teddy
wanted to sit on my lap and get rocked to sleep.
Not a bad move, actually.
Well, the opera was amazing, okay?
I... feel like a changed woman, you know?
All right.
Well, we should probably, uh, let you go.
And, uh, listen, if something comes up
tomorrow night, last minute,
and you can't make it, I'll pay you double.
You're hilarious.
All right, see you tomorrow.
- Bye. - Bye.
Did you hear that?
She thinks I'm hilarious.
It's starting.
Okay, clearly I hit a nerve,
but, you know, don't take it personally, honey.
I mean, I'm getting older, too.
The stock boy at the grocery store
barely looks down my shirt anymore.
What stock boy? Brian?
I bought a candy bar for his stupid basketball team
and he does me like this?
Hey, where's Sophia?
Oh, she just left.
Ugh. I wanted to show her...
What happened to you?
Uh... a little culture.
She is radiant.
Look, I just wanted to say how awesome Sophia is.
She's super cool and really easy to talk to.
Ah, I knew it. See?
I think moms are a little cooler than you give us credit for.
Uh, honey, you got a little, uh, a little...
- a little something on your... - What? What?
- a little something right there. - Where?
Adam!
I'm not even sorry, seņor.
And then Andi basically says I'm too old
to be attractive to the hot babysitter.
That's crazy. It's the babysitter and the dad.
Has Andi never been to the video store?
That's what I said.
By the way,
there's no more video stores. Get with it, man.
Well, thank you for drawing
a semi-permanent mustache on my face.
Kept trying to rub it off,
but it just looked like I was stroking it.
Hey, you were sleeping with your mouth open.
You're lucky I didn't black out a tooth.
No, you didn't do that because I fell asleep.
You did it because of what I said
about you and the babysitter.
- Oh. - Oh, that's definitely why.
He was just talking about it.
Okay, well, enjoy the ballet.
I'll just be stuck at home watching the playoffs.
Kate, why did you cut up your new shirt?
Oh, Sophia said to beat Tiffany at her own game
by making it cooler than anything she wears.
But I bought one, too.
We were twinsies.
Well, you're not cutting up your shirt.
Stock Boy Brian is getting an eyeful as it is.
Oh, and, uh, you don't have to make dinner for me and Sophia.
She's bringing sushi.
But I'm always trying to get you to eat sushi.
You said you hate it.
Sophia said I'd like it.
I said you'd like it.
But then Sophia said it.
Did you hear that?
She's gonna try sushi for Sophia?
Hope Sophia gets a chopstick in the eye.
Way to rise above it.
You smell that? What is that?
Hey, Dad, Sophia's gonna be here soon.
How much cologne is too much?
You nailed it, buddy.
I don't see why you're so bent out of shape.
I thought the whole reason you hired Sophia
was so that Katie would like her.
It was.
And that's what happened.
I know.
- But now you seem mad. - Oh, I'm mad.
Take it easy.
I mean, I-I'd go get you a wine,
but it's $17, and if I go, I'm not coming back.
You know what? Sophia needs to be told
that there are boundaries.
Right? And I would like for you to do that.
All right, I'll talk to her, but I think you're overreacting.
I am not. I give Kate advice, all right?
Not some hotsy-totsy babysitter.
All right, her only job is to heat up Hot Pockets,
give Teddy some cheap thrills and get out.
What? We're not ballet people.
Hey.
How was night two?
Better, yeah. We both fell asleep.
Kate, you're still up gabbing with your gal pal.
That's great. I love to see you two getting along.
Adam.
What?
Adam.
What?
Adam.
Am I not saying, "What?"
I hear myself saying, "What?"
Oh, my God, we are having such a blast.
Sophia Instagrammed a picture of my new top
and everyone liked it.
So, Tiffany had to. It was total domination.
Mm-hmm. We owned her.
Give it up, girl.
I love the new secret handshake, and I...
and-and I-I'm glad that Sophia's advice
worked out for you. Adam!
Oh! Okay, okay. I gotcha, I gotcha.
Uh, come on, honey. Let's get you to bed. Come on.
See you tomorrow.
Can't wait.
Okay, keep it moving.
All righty, here you go.
Thank you.
Uh, actually, uh, now that we're alone,
we need to have a talk about boundaries.
The wife's a little upset.
Oh.
Well, then, I guess I'll just have
to try to behave myself around you.
Wh-Who? Me?
Me, me?
You know what I mean.
I knew it!
Oh, my gosh.
You are just ridiculous.
O-Okay.
Yeah, well, you...
That's, uh, that's me, ridiculous. Okay.
See you tomorrow.
Yeah.
Buh-bye.
The silver fox.
So, did you talk to Sophia about the boundaries?
Oh, I did. And what I learned is,
there is no boundary strong enough to protect her
from my overwhelming silver foxiness.
What?
Okay, so what exactly happened?
She said, and I quote,
"Oh, my gosh, you are just ridiculous."
Is this the intermission, or is that the whole story?
Okay, how about this?
When she was leaving, she said, "See you tomorrow."
And her eyebrows were going all over her face, like this.
Okay, Adam, I believe
that you believe something happened.
I'm telling you, this girl is well on her way to killing you
and making me give her babies.
I'm gonna roll the dice on that one.
Fine.
But when you're a ghost floating over the bed,
watching us make babies, you'll be sorry!
Andi doesn't believe me,
but I'm telling you, I was getting
major vibes from the babysitter.
She was eye-snacking me.
All the ladies love Adam.
I went to froyo with him, and the girl behind the counter
upgraded him to a waffle cone, no charge.
She wouldn't even give me a water cup.
Enjoy your youth, son.
I used to be a porch light for every moth in town.
I think this whole thing is a sign
that Andi and I are getting complacent in our marriage.
I drew a mustache on my own wife like she was a drinking buddy.
I wouldn't have done that five years ago.
Well, I don't know, everybody says
the best time in a marriage is when you get
really comfortable with each other.
Well, everybody is wrong.
Okay. You know what every marriage really needs?
- Trust? - Trust? No. Gross.
No, the thing that keeps the romance alive
in a marriage is fear.
Both people need to think they got someone better
than they deserve, so they bust their butts to hang on.
Fear is the... the special sauce.
Fear, huh?
Now, does this special sauce work
if only the husband is scared?
I'm asking for a friend.
Honey, I want to apologize for the jazz poetry.
Yeah, why would anyone put those two terrible things together?
It's like getting a root canal during a colonoscopy.
That's funny.
I'm... You know, I'm afraid to even go in there.
I mean, if Kate and Sophia have another new handshake,
I'm gonna start pulling hair.
Andi, the big deal isn't what Sophia's doing with Katie,
it's what Sophia wants to do with Mr. Alpha.
And I'm gonna prove it to you.
So, buckle up, I am about to go
full silver fox on the babysitter.
Wait. Are you the silver fox or are you Mr. Alpha?
I'm alpha silver fox.
This is for you, baby, okay?
- No, Adam, wait. - No, no.
You just watch her eyebrows. They tell the whole story.
Hey.
You survived jazz poetry. How was it?
Ugh. It was like getting a root canal during a colonoscopy.
A colonoscopy. I think my dad had one of those.
Okay, why don't we just, uh, pay Sophia
and let her go on her way?
Oh, yeah, sure, sure, sure. But first, let me just,
uh, get this jacket off... It's so tight.
When you swing a hammer for a living,
everything gets bigger and stronger...
Adam, you really don't have to do this.
No, no, no. Open the window.
I'm about to turn up the heat.
Oh, hey, Sophia,
look at that.
Emme left her doll on the floor.
I'll-I'll get it.
I guess I'll just bend over... Probably the best way.
Okay. Okay, Magic Mike, show's over.
Hey, my roommate
just texted me and said that she can't pick me up.
Is there any way I could catch a ride home?
Oh, yeah, sure. Adam can take you.
For what it's worth, I liked your moves.
Night.
What are you doing to me?
I was dying when you were showing off your arms.
What? Where were the eyebrows?
You were in a coma over there.
You talked to me about boundaries,
and your wife was right there.
Well...
But she won't be on the ride home.
It'll just be you and me and those arms.
I'll be waiting in the car.
Okay.
Uh-oh.
I was too sexy.
I need a Tums.
Andi, you need to come downstairs now.
- What's wrong? - Alpha silver fox is being hunted!
There's been an escalation.
Sophia is gonna jump me in the car.
You have to drive her home.
What? Adam, I...
Oh, I know what this is.
You're having a midlife crisis.
No, no, no. That's not it.
No, it happens to everyone, okay?
We just have to cheer you up. Do you want a tattoo?
Or a Jet Ski? Hmm?
I don't get it. I-I'm telling you this girl's into me,
and you're sending me off into the night with her.
Meanwhile, Katie tries sushi,
and you get jealous and make me have talks about boundaries.
Let me tell you something, Katie is 15 years old.
It's normal for her to ignore her mother
and take advice from a friend.
Did you listen to your mother when you were 15?
Oh, hell no. I'd still have a perm.
Exactly. And that's normal. And thank God.
Yeah.
But what's not normal is
we are losing our special sauce.
Our special what?
Special sauce, Andi! Our special sauce!
If I tell you a girl is making moves on me,
you should care.
You're right.
Thank you.
I did overreact about Kate.
Are you kidding me?
Fine. I'll drive her home,
but I am not responsible for what happens.
I'm not doing it!
So, Sophia,
last couple days, I've been feeling a little...
jealous.
Uh-oh.
And I know you had a conversation
with my husband about boundaries.
He told you about that?
No, no, no, no, no. I-I just wanted to tell you,
I'm cool with it.
Yeah, I mean, if it works for the two of you,
works for me.
Wow.
You're very open-minded.
I know.
In fact, I mean,
I don't want to intrude, but, um,
it would be great if sometime all three of us
could be together while you're doing your thing.
You know, maybe I could pick up some new tricks.
I've never done that before, but the more the merrier, I say.
That's the spirit.
We're gonna have some fun, Sophia.
Yeah, most wives aren't this open to sharing their husbands.
Well, yeah, you know...
What now?
You're leaving me at the police station?
I was gonna leave you by the side of the road,
but I'm a mother, and I wanted you to get home safe.
And you know what, I'll tell you this.
I don't need any help in the bedroom, all right?
I have been having sex longer than you've been alive.
And I should've stopped talking, but I still win!
What...?
And then, I just got crazy jealous,
and I left her at the police station.
Ah, there's the special sauce.
Huh?
Oh.
Now, you were saying there was some talk
about some kind of group thing?
That's crazy. Right?
Yes, it's crazy.
That's what I said. I didn't say anything else.
I guess the really good news is
that I'm married to the silver alpha fox.
That's all I wanted to hear.
By the way, it's "alpha silver fox."
Get this. Sophia's Instagram idea made Tiffany totally mad.
Now she's having a party and just posted a list
of who's not invited... look.
"Not invited list: O.J. Simpson,
a ball of rats, Katie Burns."
Ooh. That's not a list you want to be on.
Sophia's plan totally backfired.
Mom, what am I gonna do?
Aw. I'm so glad you asked.
Okay... but first, l-let's do the thing.
Seriously?
Do the thing with your mother.
Now we're handshake twinsies.
Listen, it just so happens
that the night of the party, Lady Gaga's in town.
So, what do you say we go to that
and Instagram the heck out of it?
I'm so down!
Oh, and you don't have to worry about Sophia anymore.
You will never see her again.
Really? What happened?
She hit on your dad.
Gross.
She's, like, a hundred years younger than you.
- I would like the Jet Ski to be red. - Okay.
Synced and corrected by Octavia - www.addic7ed.com -