1
00:00:00,422 --> 00:00:02,608
Hey. How's my little buddy doing?

2
00:00:02,633 --> 00:00:05,550
Well, he's still got that goop
in his eye, but otherwise, fine.

3
00:00:06,328 --> 00:00:08,530
I meant Tammy. I miss her.

4
00:00:08,555 --> 00:00:10,939
Oh, please. You miss her
doing your job for you.

5
00:00:10,974 --> 00:00:13,274
Yeah, exactly. So
when do I get her back?

6
00:00:13,484 --> 00:00:15,810
Sorry, babe, Tammy's really
helping me get things ready

7
00:00:15,862 --> 00:00:18,563
- for our grand opening.
- Isn't she a beaut?

8
00:00:19,539 --> 00:00:20,949
Hold on a second, Bon...

9
00:00:20,984 --> 00:00:22,617
Hey, really nice.

10
00:00:23,594 --> 00:00:24,781
I'll be in the men's room.

11
00:00:24,806 --> 00:00:26,078
Good choice. Oh, hey.

12
00:00:26,103 --> 00:00:27,359
You looking for high arc,

13
00:00:27,384 --> 00:00:29,460
low arc, straight shot?

14
00:00:31,257 --> 00:00:35,031
- Your call.
- He trusts me. Sweet!

15
00:00:35,430 --> 00:00:38,514
Oh, my God, you've got
her installing toilets?

16
00:00:38,600 --> 00:00:40,203
That's so degrading.

17
00:00:40,228 --> 00:00:41,527
Yeah. What do you need her for?

18
00:00:41,552 --> 00:00:43,695
Installing a toilet. Love you. Bye.

19
00:00:44,439 --> 00:00:46,617
If my fiancé didn't have
oral sex down to a science

20
00:00:46,642 --> 00:00:48,742
I would've left him a long time ago.

21
00:00:49,867 --> 00:00:52,278
So, this is my mother, Bonnie.

22
00:00:52,796 --> 00:00:55,146
- Mom, this is Stacy.
- Hi. Nice to meet you.

23
00:00:55,171 --> 00:00:56,805
Ooh, I should probably
wash my hands first.

24
00:00:56,830 --> 00:00:58,953
I've been pulling rats
out of traps all morning.

25
00:00:58,978 --> 00:01:01,061
- We're studying, Mom.
- Got it.

26
00:01:01,307 --> 00:01:03,223
Hey, Stacy, is that your
motorcycle out front?

27
00:01:03,248 --> 00:01:05,248
- No.
- It's really cool.

28
00:01:05,273 --> 00:01:07,390
Sweet shade of blue,
real vintage-y vibe.

29
00:01:07,415 --> 00:01:08,664
Still not hers, Mom.

30
00:01:09,171 --> 00:01:10,662
Good. 'Cause I was gonna say,

31
00:01:10,687 --> 00:01:12,431
you're a little small
for a big bike like that.

32
00:01:12,456 --> 00:01:14,122
She drives a Prius, Mom.

33
00:01:14,147 --> 00:01:16,681
Prius, huh? Do strangers
just hop into your back seat

34
00:01:16,706 --> 00:01:18,632
thinking you're an Uber driver?

35
00:01:19,357 --> 00:01:20,757
'Cause on the news, they
say that happens a lot.

36
00:01:20,782 --> 00:01:22,742
- Mom!
- Christy!

37
00:01:24,349 --> 00:01:25,514
Sorry.

38
00:01:25,636 --> 00:01:27,552
It's okay. I have one of those, too.

39
00:01:27,960 --> 00:01:29,615
Oh, you don't have one of those.

40
00:01:29,640 --> 00:01:31,473
No one's got one of those.

41
00:01:31,498 --> 00:01:33,367
Do you listen to that podcast,
The Mother of All Problems?

42
00:01:33,392 --> 00:01:35,275
- No. What is it?
- This woman tells

43
00:01:35,300 --> 00:01:36,900
these crazy-ass stories
about her mother.

44
00:01:36,925 --> 00:01:38,531
It'll make you grateful
for the mom you have.

45
00:01:38,777 --> 00:01:40,296
Christy!

46
00:01:40,580 --> 00:01:42,080
I'm stranded on the bowl!

47
00:01:42,105 --> 00:01:44,054
Need another roll!

48
00:01:45,726 --> 00:01:47,144
Oh, I love it when this happens.

49
00:01:47,169 --> 00:01:49,007
Sometimes I get a whole hour.

50
00:01:53,754 --> 00:01:55,421
Hey, listeners.

51
00:01:55,446 --> 00:01:58,030
Welcome to my podcast,
The Mother of All Problems.

52
00:01:58,055 --> 00:01:59,671
I'm your host, Violet.

53
00:01:59,696 --> 00:02:01,112
Violet? My Violet?

54
00:02:01,349 --> 00:02:03,182
The holidays are around the corner,

55
00:02:03,207 --> 00:02:05,373
so great time to dive
into horror stories

56
00:02:05,398 --> 00:02:07,481
about growing up with a drunken stripper

57
00:02:07,506 --> 00:02:10,140
who I unfortunately had to call Mommy.

58
00:02:10,812 --> 00:02:13,562
Wait, I'm the Mother of All Problems?!

59
00:02:13,587 --> 00:02:17,070
-- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe --
-- www.addic7ed.com --

60
00:02:23,711 --> 00:02:25,355
So, when does Adam's bar open?

61
00:02:25,379 --> 00:02:26,962
One week from today.

62
00:02:27,048 --> 00:02:29,315
I can't believe our dream
is finally coming true.

63
00:02:29,383 --> 00:02:30,883
Wait a minute... your dream?

64
00:02:30,935 --> 00:02:32,885
You've been complaining
since he bought it.

65
00:02:33,343 --> 00:02:35,054
That's not how I remember it.

66
00:02:35,139 --> 00:02:37,189
You said Adam has no experience,

67
00:02:37,214 --> 00:02:39,902
no business plan, and I
quote, "He's so stupid,

68
00:02:39,927 --> 00:02:42,061
I can't believe how stupid he is."

69
00:02:42,386 --> 00:02:44,937
I said, "That's not how I remember it."

70
00:02:46,567 --> 00:02:47,817
My daughter has a podcast

71
00:02:47,842 --> 00:02:49,592
about what a terrible mother I am.

72
00:02:49,617 --> 00:02:51,264
Oh, my God.

73
00:02:51,289 --> 00:02:53,239
Sorry. Mm-mmm.

74
00:02:53,585 --> 00:02:54,874
Tell us everything.

75
00:02:55,156 --> 00:02:57,243
Well, I was bitching to my study partner

76
00:02:57,268 --> 00:02:59,396
about what a horrible mom you are,

77
00:02:59,421 --> 00:03:01,789
and she told me about this
podcast that would cheer me up.

78
00:03:02,133 --> 00:03:04,078
It did not.

79
00:03:05,002 --> 00:03:07,253
Violet never mentioned it to you?

80
00:03:07,278 --> 00:03:09,228
We haven't spoken in over a year.

81
00:03:09,562 --> 00:03:12,045
She asked for space, and,
being the healthy mother

82
00:03:12,070 --> 00:03:14,570
in recovery that I am,
I knew it was important

83
00:03:14,595 --> 00:03:15,895
to respect her wishes.

84
00:03:17,691 --> 00:03:19,734
And she changed her number.

85
00:03:20,625 --> 00:03:21,851
How bad is it?

86
00:03:22,023 --> 00:03:24,023
Really bad. Couldn't be worse.

87
00:03:24,048 --> 00:03:25,546
She tells the truth.

88
00:03:28,192 --> 00:03:31,140
What? The irony of this is delicious.

89
00:03:33,959 --> 00:03:35,258
I remember this one night

90
00:03:35,283 --> 00:03:37,616
my mom barged into my
room, drunk off her ass,

91
00:03:37,668 --> 00:03:40,085
and started yelling at
me for stealing her car.

92
00:03:40,273 --> 00:03:42,922
Turned out she left
the car at a 7-Eleven,

93
00:03:42,957 --> 00:03:45,291
which I figured out while
cleaning up the Slurpee

94
00:03:45,316 --> 00:03:47,019
she threw up in my closet.

95
00:03:47,044 --> 00:03:49,628
Wild cherry, if anyone was wondering.

96
00:03:50,843 --> 00:03:52,598
So, cheer up, Lisa from Portland,

97
00:03:52,633 --> 00:03:54,433
your mom's minivan getting repossessed

98
00:03:54,468 --> 00:03:55,960
might be a good thing.

99
00:03:56,304 --> 00:03:57,804
- Our next e-mail is...
- Turn it off.

100
00:03:57,829 --> 00:03:59,162
From Dan in Tex...

101
00:03:59,390 --> 00:04:00,806
I have to move.

102
00:04:01,155 --> 00:04:03,242
Are they sending people to Mars yet?

103
00:04:04,407 --> 00:04:06,574
Honey, I know this is hard.

104
00:04:07,023 --> 00:04:09,281
I remember how humiliating it was

105
00:04:09,317 --> 00:04:10,950
when my son brought a picture of me

106
00:04:10,985 --> 00:04:12,651
to school for show and tell.

107
00:04:12,737 --> 00:04:15,468
- What's wrong with that?
- It was my mug shot.

108
00:04:16,741 --> 00:04:18,157
Okay, that's bad.

109
00:04:18,209 --> 00:04:20,075
But Violet is telling
thousands of people

110
00:04:20,100 --> 00:04:21,683
every awful thing I ever did.

111
00:04:21,711 --> 00:04:23,127
Hundreds of thousands.

112
00:04:23,152 --> 00:04:24,651
- Wendy! - Wendy!
- Wendy!

113
00:04:26,250 --> 00:04:28,300
The episodes have clever titles.

114
00:04:28,336 --> 00:04:30,669
Let's listen to "Jell-O Shots
and the Truth About Santa."

115
00:04:30,694 --> 00:04:32,088
That's enough. We're done listening.

116
00:04:32,173 --> 00:04:33,400
- Thanks.
- Ooh! There's one called

117
00:04:33,424 --> 00:04:35,474
"My Grandmother, the Life Preserver."

118
00:04:35,750 --> 00:04:37,667
Well, maybe we have time for one more.

119
00:04:40,348 --> 00:04:43,649
No. Please don't tell
the school bus story.

120
00:04:44,163 --> 00:04:45,317
Not true!

121
00:04:45,353 --> 00:04:47,773
Only one of my boobs popped out!

122
00:04:48,734 --> 00:04:49,989
Still going, huh?

123
00:04:50,024 --> 00:04:52,024
I can't stop. I keep thinking,

124
00:04:52,049 --> 00:04:54,666
"Maybe in the next episode
she'll say something nice."

125
00:04:54,691 --> 00:04:56,141
Quit torturing yourself.

126
00:04:56,280 --> 00:04:59,114
Easy for you to say... she
calls you the Life Preserver.

127
00:04:59,139 --> 00:05:00,722
I know. It's so sweet.

128
00:05:00,868 --> 00:05:03,335
Adorable. I just wish Violet
would hate me to my face

129
00:05:03,371 --> 00:05:05,337
and stop venting for the world to hear.

130
00:05:05,373 --> 00:05:06,789
Look, you've got two choices.

131
00:05:06,874 --> 00:05:08,874
You can either keep
listening to the podcast

132
00:05:08,926 --> 00:05:12,114
and feel for yourself, or
you could just call her.

133
00:05:13,214 --> 00:05:14,536
You're right.

134
00:05:18,528 --> 00:05:20,552
Okay, you have one choice.

135
00:05:20,638 --> 00:05:23,355
How can I call her? I
don't even have her number.

136
00:05:23,391 --> 00:05:25,252
She changed it, because...
In case you forgot...

137
00:05:25,276 --> 00:05:27,226
I am the Mother of All Problems.

138
00:05:27,278 --> 00:05:29,311
- I have her number.
- What?

139
00:05:29,397 --> 00:05:31,647
Well, it's not called The
Grandmother of All Problems.

140
00:05:32,387 --> 00:05:35,901
In fact, you should call her from
my phone. That way she'll answer.

141
00:05:35,953 --> 00:05:38,904
- God, you're shady.
- What are you waiting for?

142
00:05:38,990 --> 00:05:40,550
I need to figure out
what I'm gonna say first.

143
00:05:40,574 --> 00:05:42,269
Don't think about it.
Just speak from your heart.

144
00:05:42,293 --> 00:05:43,709
Also, it's ringing.

145
00:05:43,744 --> 00:05:45,744
Oh, good. Voice mail.

146
00:05:45,830 --> 00:05:47,830
Just don't do that weird
thing you always do.

147
00:05:47,915 --> 00:05:50,165
- What weird thing?
- Hi! Violet!

148
00:05:50,251 --> 00:05:51,583
It's me, your mom.

149
00:05:51,669 --> 00:05:54,420
Uh... so, doot-dah-doo...

150
00:05:54,535 --> 00:05:56,121
That's the weird thing.

151
00:05:56,590 --> 00:05:58,424
So, heard your podcast.

152
00:05:58,509 --> 00:06:00,942
Would love to chitty-chat about that.

153
00:06:01,262 --> 00:06:03,262
Or anything.

154
00:06:04,043 --> 00:06:06,276
I haven't talked to
you in such a long time.

155
00:06:06,301 --> 00:06:08,780
Of course, I'm not the
one who changed her number.

156
00:06:08,805 --> 00:06:11,639
But not pointing fingers.

157
00:06:13,336 --> 00:06:14,585
Doot-dah-doo.

158
00:06:16,871 --> 00:06:18,444
Hey, good news.

159
00:06:18,792 --> 00:06:20,980
I'm in law school now.

160
00:06:21,115 --> 00:06:24,116
Yep. Learnin' about torts.

161
00:06:24,168 --> 00:06:26,618
Turns out they're not just dessert.

162
00:06:27,215 --> 00:06:28,454
Wrap it up.

163
00:06:29,098 --> 00:06:30,956
Okay, well, uh...

164
00:06:31,213 --> 00:06:33,263
it's me, your mom, Christy.

165
00:06:34,345 --> 00:06:36,449
End of voice mail.

166
00:06:36,681 --> 00:06:39,457
Boy, I was wrong... you should
have thought about it first.

167
00:06:42,136 --> 00:06:43,969
Wow!

168
00:06:44,021 --> 00:06:47,260
This place looks fantastic!

169
00:06:47,285 --> 00:06:49,702
It's even better than we dreamed it.

170
00:06:49,727 --> 00:06:51,977
I made a huge mistake.

171
00:06:52,593 --> 00:06:54,843
Well, I'm not giving the ring back.

172
00:06:55,184 --> 00:06:57,816
The bar is never gonna work, lady.

173
00:06:58,371 --> 00:07:00,152
What happened here?

174
00:07:00,204 --> 00:07:01,820
I was picking beers.

175
00:07:02,293 --> 00:07:04,490
By drinking them.

176
00:07:05,270 --> 00:07:08,127
So many people are gonna
have to come in this place

177
00:07:08,162 --> 00:07:11,612
and spend so much money
for this joint to work.

178
00:07:11,637 --> 00:07:12,909
This chair...

179
00:07:12,934 --> 00:07:15,417
has to bring in a
thousand dollars a week,

180
00:07:15,442 --> 00:07:18,197
and-and this chair and this chair...

181
00:07:18,222 --> 00:07:20,067
and nobody's gonna want
to sit in that chair,

182
00:07:20,092 --> 00:07:22,058
'cause it's right under
the air conditioning.

183
00:07:24,011 --> 00:07:26,145
Aw, honey, I think you're just having

184
00:07:26,180 --> 00:07:28,518
a case of pre-opening
jitters. Completely normal.

185
00:07:28,543 --> 00:07:31,784
I have no experience, and
I spent all of my money.

186
00:07:31,809 --> 00:07:33,102
Why would I do that?

187
00:07:33,187 --> 00:07:35,354
Well, that's exactly what...

188
00:07:35,406 --> 00:07:37,523
Okay.

189
00:07:38,121 --> 00:07:40,338
When I asked you that very question,

190
00:07:40,363 --> 00:07:42,651
you confidently replied
that you have a dream

191
00:07:42,676 --> 00:07:43,695
that's important to you,

192
00:07:43,720 --> 00:07:46,220
and you want to feel like
your life has purpose again.

193
00:07:46,367 --> 00:07:48,200
"Purpose" sounds like "porpoise."

194
00:07:50,037 --> 00:07:52,037
Hey, boss, your coasters just arrived.

195
00:07:52,089 --> 00:07:56,208
Ugh. I bought 10,000 of 'em... 10,000!

196
00:07:56,260 --> 00:07:58,710
- The delivery guy needs a check, so...
- Not now!

197
00:07:58,796 --> 00:08:01,426
Oh. Family drama.
I'll go flirt with him.

198
00:08:02,276 --> 00:08:04,693
Do you know how many
drinks I have to sell

199
00:08:04,718 --> 00:08:06,385
to use 10,000 coasters?

200
00:08:07,019 --> 00:08:09,402
- Ten thousand?
- I don't know, maybe.

201
00:08:11,426 --> 00:08:14,203
Look at me.
Adam, look at me.

202
00:08:14,551 --> 00:08:18,124
You have overcome far bigger obstacles
than opening a bar.

203
00:08:18,149 --> 00:08:20,532
You were a successful
Hollywood stuntman.

204
00:08:20,568 --> 00:08:22,367
How many people can say that?

205
00:08:22,692 --> 00:08:25,070
You fought your way back
from a terrible accident.

206
00:08:25,095 --> 00:08:26,677
How many people can say that?

207
00:08:26,824 --> 00:08:28,874
You are in a successful
relationship with me,

208
00:08:28,909 --> 00:08:31,848
and I can tell you, no one
has ever been able to say that.

209
00:08:32,637 --> 00:08:34,163
I hired waitresses.

210
00:08:34,248 --> 00:08:35,881
I hired a bartender.

211
00:08:35,916 --> 00:08:39,340
They're gonna want to
be paid... with money.

212
00:08:40,140 --> 00:08:43,282
You're gonna make it work,
and you're not gonna do it alone.

213
00:08:43,307 --> 00:08:45,090
I know. I hired waitresses.

214
00:08:45,115 --> 00:08:47,165
- I hired a bartender. I...
- Now...

215
00:08:47,190 --> 00:08:48,656
zip, zip, zip it.

216
00:08:48,789 --> 00:08:51,957
The point is this bar is
gonna be a huge success.

217
00:08:51,982 --> 00:08:53,599
It's gonna blow up!

218
00:08:53,793 --> 00:08:57,352
Yes. We could blow it up and
collect the insurance money.

219
00:08:57,498 --> 00:08:59,248
That's ridiculous.

220
00:08:59,273 --> 00:09:01,273
It's also much more
difficult than you think.

221
00:09:03,327 --> 00:09:07,196
Okay, State of Washington
v. International Shoe. Go.

222
00:09:09,080 --> 00:09:10,282
Stacy.

223
00:09:11,025 --> 00:09:13,418
I wasn't gonna say anything,
but I know who you are.

224
00:09:13,454 --> 00:09:15,454
You're the Mother of All Problems.

225
00:09:15,888 --> 00:09:18,005
Son of a bitch.

226
00:09:19,580 --> 00:09:20,959
How'd you find out?

227
00:09:21,154 --> 00:09:23,738
I guess you haven't
listened to today's podcast.

228
00:09:24,909 --> 00:09:27,276
So, my mom left me a voice mail.

229
00:09:27,301 --> 00:09:30,806
I can't tell if it's sincere
or deeply manipulative.

230
00:09:30,831 --> 00:09:33,138
- So you decide.
- Oh, no.

231
00:09:33,190 --> 00:09:34,973
Hi! Violet!

232
00:09:35,688 --> 00:09:38,621
It's me, your mom.

233
00:09:39,455 --> 00:09:41,613
So, um...

234
00:09:42,244 --> 00:09:44,816
- doot-dah-doo...
- Turn it off.

235
00:09:45,369 --> 00:09:47,711
I... know this may not
be the best time to ask,

236
00:09:47,736 --> 00:09:49,821
but did you really take
her to a birthday party

237
00:09:49,846 --> 00:09:51,595
and not come back for two days?

238
00:09:52,525 --> 00:09:54,303
Yes. But the family I left her with

239
00:09:54,328 --> 00:09:56,995
gave her sushi for the
first time that weekend.

240
00:09:57,445 --> 00:09:58,978
Does she mention that?

241
00:09:59,789 --> 00:10:01,539
I'm asking. Does she mention that?

242
00:10:01,835 --> 00:10:03,669
Sorry.

243
00:10:04,392 --> 00:10:06,672
Wow. Stacy. Well,

244
00:10:06,724 --> 00:10:09,591
I got to tell you, you're
back and the motorcycle's back.

245
00:10:09,616 --> 00:10:12,033
If it's really not yours,
somebody's following you.

246
00:10:12,058 --> 00:10:14,323
Oh, my God, you're the Life Preserver.

247
00:10:14,348 --> 00:10:16,348
Yes, I am. Would you like a picture?

248
00:10:16,433 --> 00:10:17,516
Yes.

249
00:10:17,601 --> 00:10:19,017
Honey, do you mind?

250
00:10:23,599 --> 00:10:25,215
Scrunch together.

251
00:10:30,721 --> 00:10:33,083
I thought I was leaving that
voice mail for one person,

252
00:10:33,108 --> 00:10:34,532
not everyone in the world.

253
00:10:34,557 --> 00:10:35,756
I have a question.

254
00:10:35,841 --> 00:10:37,580
What's
"doot-dah-doo"?

255
00:10:38,958 --> 00:10:40,541
Not now, Jill.

256
00:10:40,907 --> 00:10:42,657
I thought when I got
sober all this stuff

257
00:10:42,682 --> 00:10:43,825
with Violet would get better.

258
00:10:43,849 --> 00:10:45,720
Well, you've gotten better.

259
00:10:45,745 --> 00:10:48,329
You're not who you were,
and that's a big deal.

260
00:10:48,354 --> 00:10:50,020
I just wish she could see that.

261
00:10:50,106 --> 00:10:52,212
- You should tell her.
- But in person.

262
00:10:52,237 --> 00:10:54,783
Doot-dah-do not
leave another message.

263
00:10:56,228 --> 00:10:57,838
What do you think, Marjorie?

264
00:10:57,863 --> 00:10:59,947
I might be the wrong person to ask.

265
00:10:59,972 --> 00:11:02,556
I don't have a relationship with my son.

266
00:11:03,244 --> 00:11:06,063
So all I can do is focus on my sobriety

267
00:11:06,088 --> 00:11:08,205
and hope that one day he'll forgive me.

268
00:11:08,257 --> 00:11:10,205
Oh, poo to that.

269
00:11:11,306 --> 00:11:14,847
My mom died before we were
able to figure out our stuff.

270
00:11:14,872 --> 00:11:17,172
Don't wait. You could die, Christy.

271
00:11:18,267 --> 00:11:21,486
And call your son, 'cause you're
definitely gonna die before her.

272
00:11:21,938 --> 00:11:24,722
New bar opening this Friday.
Free wings with this flyer.

273
00:11:24,807 --> 00:11:26,473
New bar. Free wings.

274
00:11:26,498 --> 00:11:27,797
Flyer. Free.

275
00:11:27,893 --> 00:11:29,526
Wings. New.

276
00:11:29,562 --> 00:11:31,729
Where have you been?

277
00:11:31,781 --> 00:11:33,397
Trying to make sure
Adam doesn't go broke

278
00:11:33,422 --> 00:11:34,959
because of his stupid idea.

279
00:11:34,984 --> 00:11:36,817
But you said it was a dream you shared.

280
00:11:36,842 --> 00:11:38,822
Not how I remember it.

281
00:11:40,349 --> 00:11:42,049
You are each responsible

282
00:11:42,074 --> 00:11:44,375
for bringing ten people to the opening.

283
00:11:45,041 --> 00:11:46,243
So, what'd I miss?

284
00:11:46,295 --> 00:11:47,830
My death is imminent.

285
00:11:47,854 --> 00:11:49,713
Cool, what else?

286
00:11:50,166 --> 00:11:52,002
Jill and Wendy think
I should go see Violet.

287
00:11:52,027 --> 00:11:53,172
I agree.

288
00:11:53,197 --> 00:11:55,026
Even if I wanted to, I
don't know where she lives.

289
00:11:55,051 --> 00:11:58,275
I do. I mean, I could probably figure
it out. Okay, I've been there.

290
00:12:09,345 --> 00:12:11,268
This is the part where you knock.

291
00:12:11,593 --> 00:12:13,677
I'm too nervous. You do it.

292
00:12:18,799 --> 00:12:19,943
What the hell was that?

293
00:12:19,996 --> 00:12:22,246
I don't know. You made me overthink it.

294
00:12:23,449 --> 00:12:25,916
Hi, Grandma. Violet. Mm!

295
00:12:25,951 --> 00:12:28,619
- Hi, Violet.
- Hi.

296
00:12:29,853 --> 00:12:31,288
You weren't supposed to
tell her where I live.

297
00:12:31,374 --> 00:12:32,947
I'm sorry, but I was
caught in the middle,

298
00:12:32,972 --> 00:12:35,072
and my instinct is always to heal.

299
00:12:36,290 --> 00:12:38,457
It's not Grandma's
fault. I made her tell me.

300
00:12:38,714 --> 00:12:41,510
Well, you're here, so... come on in.

301
00:12:42,635 --> 00:12:46,322
Ah. Oh, this is a great setup.

302
00:12:46,510 --> 00:12:48,138
Luke must be doing well.

303
00:12:48,224 --> 00:12:51,078
Actually, Mom, Luke isn't
in the picture anymore.

304
00:12:51,103 --> 00:12:53,727
But thank you for assuming
I couldn't pull this off on my own.

305
00:12:54,383 --> 00:12:56,716
- Strike one.
- You're doing great.

306
00:12:58,061 --> 00:13:00,028
So...

307
00:13:00,486 --> 00:13:03,237
you are obviously here
to talk about the podcast.

308
00:13:03,322 --> 00:13:04,455
Yes, I am.

309
00:13:04,490 --> 00:13:05,739
So... ?

310
00:13:05,764 --> 00:13:07,131
So...

311
00:13:07,326 --> 00:13:09,126
I know you had a difficult childhood,

312
00:13:09,161 --> 00:13:11,690
and I'm glad you found
a way to process it.

313
00:13:11,715 --> 00:13:14,132
I don't really need
your approval, but okay.

314
00:13:15,751 --> 00:13:19,017
Here's the thing you need to know.

315
00:13:22,932 --> 00:13:25,232
What? You know I love pretzels.

316
00:13:27,181 --> 00:13:29,202
The person you've been talking about

317
00:13:29,227 --> 00:13:32,311
isn't who I am anymore. I've changed.

318
00:13:33,519 --> 00:13:35,541
It's true, she has.

319
00:13:37,106 --> 00:13:40,107
But the podcast is about being
raised by an alcoholic mother,

320
00:13:40,132 --> 00:13:42,503
which I was... The
damage is already done.

321
00:13:42,528 --> 00:13:44,278
She's got you there.

322
00:13:44,603 --> 00:13:45,946
Well...

323
00:13:46,091 --> 00:13:48,592
can you at least tell your
listeners I'm sober now

324
00:13:48,617 --> 00:13:50,603
and trying to clean up the mess I made?

325
00:13:50,920 --> 00:13:52,786
I got to say, that seems reasonable.

326
00:13:52,872 --> 00:13:53,872
Okay.

327
00:13:54,032 --> 00:13:55,615
Thank you.

328
00:13:56,759 --> 00:13:58,709
Put these on, talk into this,

329
00:13:58,761 --> 00:14:00,794
and if you're chewing
any gum, spit it out.

330
00:14:00,880 --> 00:14:02,045
What's happening?

331
00:14:02,131 --> 00:14:03,630
We're doing a podcast.

332
00:14:03,655 --> 00:14:05,466
If you want people to
hear your side, tell them.

333
00:14:05,551 --> 00:14:07,778
Oh. You can't just do an episode called

334
00:14:07,803 --> 00:14:10,053
- "My Mom's Doin' Good Now"?
- No.

335
00:14:10,106 --> 00:14:13,390
Wait. This is all you need,
and you make money from it?

336
00:14:13,476 --> 00:14:14,641
Not a ton, but yeah.

337
00:14:14,727 --> 00:14:16,560
I am definitely starting a podcast.

338
00:14:16,612 --> 00:14:18,541
Sober woman marrying
a guy in a wheelchair,

339
00:14:18,566 --> 00:14:20,853
sing a couple of songs...
Something for everybody.

340
00:14:21,594 --> 00:14:23,928
And here we... go.

341
00:14:23,953 --> 00:14:25,903
- I'm not ready.
- It's okay. Take your time.

342
00:14:25,955 --> 00:14:27,704
Three, two, one.

343
00:14:27,740 --> 00:14:29,072
Hello, people.

344
00:14:29,291 --> 00:14:32,075
While I was deciding whether
or not to talk to my mom,

345
00:14:32,100 --> 00:14:34,717
she took that choice away
from me by showing up.

346
00:14:34,797 --> 00:14:36,861
So now here she is with her side.

347
00:14:37,779 --> 00:14:39,470
That's you. You're her mom.

348
00:14:41,511 --> 00:14:43,204
Um, okay.

349
00:14:45,257 --> 00:14:47,057
Hello.

350
00:14:47,092 --> 00:14:49,564
I, uh, I'm Christie,

351
00:14:49,769 --> 00:14:51,377
and, um...

352
00:14:51,900 --> 00:14:55,349
I'm Violet's, um, mom,

353
00:14:55,752 --> 00:14:57,100
and, um...

354
00:14:57,153 --> 00:14:59,903
Wait, I said "um" too
much. Can we start it again?

355
00:14:59,939 --> 00:15:01,438
No.

356
00:15:01,524 --> 00:15:03,106
Okay. Um...

357
00:15:04,827 --> 00:15:07,077
Well, I guess if I'm gonna tell my side,

358
00:15:07,112 --> 00:15:08,779
I should start at the beginning.

359
00:15:08,858 --> 00:15:10,808
I was conceived in a van.

360
00:15:10,833 --> 00:15:12,783
Well, technically, it was a minibus,

361
00:15:12,835 --> 00:15:14,535
and it was way more normal for people

362
00:15:14,560 --> 00:15:16,947
to have sex in vehicles back then.

363
00:15:18,797 --> 00:15:22,197
Also, this is Life Preserver.
Hello to all my fans.

364
00:15:24,857 --> 00:15:27,000
I'm actually sponsoring three women.

365
00:15:27,025 --> 00:15:29,299
They call me with their
problems, and I help them.

366
00:15:29,900 --> 00:15:31,946
So what I'm trying to say is yes,

367
00:15:31,971 --> 00:15:35,150
all those horrible stories
you've told about me are true.

368
00:15:35,474 --> 00:15:38,272
But... nowadays, my idea of a good time

369
00:15:38,297 --> 00:15:41,298
is hitting a meeting and going
to coffee with my friends.

370
00:15:42,314 --> 00:15:44,147
I've changed.

371
00:15:44,200 --> 00:15:46,744
If I say I'm gonna be
somewhere, I'm there.

372
00:15:46,861 --> 00:15:49,620
I pay my bills. I keep my promises.

373
00:15:49,756 --> 00:15:51,556
That's who I am now.

374
00:15:52,917 --> 00:15:54,199
Anyway...

375
00:15:54,541 --> 00:15:55,826
that's my side.

376
00:15:56,494 --> 00:15:58,777
Thanks for letting me tell it.

377
00:15:59,915 --> 00:16:02,697
First, I want to say, um...

378
00:16:03,525 --> 00:16:05,145
you sound really good.

379
00:16:05,843 --> 00:16:07,648
Clearly, you've done a
lot of work on yourself,

380
00:16:07,673 --> 00:16:09,339
and I'm happy for you.

381
00:16:09,391 --> 00:16:10,713
Thanks.

382
00:16:11,299 --> 00:16:12,838
But here's the thing.

383
00:16:15,375 --> 00:16:17,542
I missed out on being a child.

384
00:16:20,080 --> 00:16:21,985
When most kids were
just showing up to school

385
00:16:22,021 --> 00:16:24,289
and focusing on algebra,
I was always worried

386
00:16:24,314 --> 00:16:25,833
about what was going on at home.

387
00:16:26,064 --> 00:16:27,835
I could never bring friends over,

388
00:16:27,860 --> 00:16:29,908
because I didn't know what
we would be walking into.

389
00:16:30,470 --> 00:16:32,329
When I should have just
been going to ballet

390
00:16:32,364 --> 00:16:33,864
and Rollerblading,

391
00:16:33,916 --> 00:16:35,999
I was the one that was
home cleaning the house

392
00:16:36,035 --> 00:16:38,352
and cooking dinner and making
sure that bills got paid.

393
00:16:40,618 --> 00:16:42,414
I would see you passed out on the couch

394
00:16:42,439 --> 00:16:44,356
and not even know if
you were gonna wake up.

395
00:16:46,545 --> 00:16:47,844
I worried about stuff

396
00:16:47,880 --> 00:16:50,681
that no kid should ever
have to worry about.

397
00:16:53,617 --> 00:16:55,420
Violet, I am so sorry.

398
00:16:55,804 --> 00:16:57,854
I wish I could go back in time

399
00:16:57,879 --> 00:16:59,879
and be the mother you deserved.

400
00:17:02,245 --> 00:17:04,357
I wish that, too.

401
00:17:06,896 --> 00:17:08,865
What do you say we build from here?

402
00:17:09,248 --> 00:17:11,568
I really want to be in your life.

403
00:17:11,885 --> 00:17:15,253
Actually, it's been really
good not having you in my life.

404
00:17:17,459 --> 00:17:19,710
I'm finally in a healthy
place right now, and I think

405
00:17:19,745 --> 00:17:21,411
that what would be best for me is to not

406
00:17:21,436 --> 00:17:22,886
have a relationship with you.

407
00:17:24,416 --> 00:17:25,716
Oh.

408
00:17:25,946 --> 00:17:28,896
But thank you so much
for coming on the podcast.

409
00:17:30,907 --> 00:17:32,101
Okay.

410
00:17:39,765 --> 00:17:41,765
Seriously, thank you for doing that.

411
00:17:41,910 --> 00:17:44,161
It's actually gonna be
a really good episode.

412
00:17:45,367 --> 00:17:46,702
So we're done?

413
00:17:46,727 --> 00:17:49,194
Yeah. It was great to see you, Grandma.

414
00:17:49,274 --> 00:17:51,398
It's great to see you, too, sweetie.

415
00:17:52,115 --> 00:17:54,938
- Bye, Mom.
- Bye.

416
00:18:05,580 --> 00:18:08,117
You okay? Mm.

417
00:18:09,795 --> 00:18:11,545
Mm.

418
00:18:13,643 --> 00:18:15,943
I know that's...

419
00:18:15,968 --> 00:18:18,875
not how you wanted
that to go down, but...

420
00:18:20,508 --> 00:18:22,472
remember...

421
00:18:22,558 --> 00:18:24,141
five years ago,

422
00:18:24,166 --> 00:18:26,383
this right here wouldn't
have been possible.

423
00:18:42,633 --> 00:18:44,928
I'm sure you'd rather be... at home

424
00:18:44,953 --> 00:18:46,210
curled up in the fetal position,

425
00:18:46,235 --> 00:18:48,402
watching The Real Housewives of...

426
00:18:48,427 --> 00:18:49,876
somewhere...

427
00:18:50,475 --> 00:18:52,828
but it means a lot to
me that you showed up.

428
00:18:52,976 --> 00:18:55,593
It's okay. Kind of like the old days,

429
00:18:55,890 --> 00:18:58,414
only now I'm drowning my
sorrows in hot wings.

430
00:18:58,439 --> 00:18:59,772
- And these are hot.
- Yeah.

431
00:19:00,091 --> 00:19:02,558
I actually can't feel my lips.

432
00:19:02,938 --> 00:19:04,271
You know...

433
00:19:04,356 --> 00:19:06,273
the podcast hasn't aired yet.

434
00:19:06,298 --> 00:19:08,046
I could break into Violet's apartment,

435
00:19:08,071 --> 00:19:09,987
destroy the tapes... Problem solved.

436
00:19:10,012 --> 00:19:12,945
First of all, no one uses tapes anymore.

437
00:19:14,066 --> 00:19:16,650
And also, I don't want
to destroy the podcast.

438
00:19:16,675 --> 00:19:19,656
It's helping her. And
probably other people.

439
00:19:19,681 --> 00:19:23,265
Ah, look at you, eating chicken
and taking the high road.

440
00:19:24,731 --> 00:19:26,230
You know...

441
00:19:26,255 --> 00:19:29,456
all of this has made me
realize I owe you an apology.

442
00:19:29,671 --> 00:19:31,170
Awesome.

443
00:19:31,867 --> 00:19:32,966
Why?

444
00:19:33,018 --> 00:19:35,117
Because I focused too
much on who you were

445
00:19:35,142 --> 00:19:38,437
and not enough on the person
you've become. I'm sorry.

446
00:19:38,807 --> 00:19:41,107
Aw. Thank you.

447
00:19:41,143 --> 00:19:42,642
So from here on out,

448
00:19:42,667 --> 00:19:44,917
I promise I will only get mad at you

449
00:19:44,942 --> 00:19:46,593
for the things you do in the present.

450
00:19:46,618 --> 00:19:50,153
And I promise to give
you plenty to work with.

451
00:19:52,246 --> 00:19:54,351
Hey. You use the urinal?

452
00:19:54,906 --> 00:19:57,957
- Yeah.
- Were you happy with the trajectory?

453
00:19:59,251 --> 00:20:02,421
- I guess.
- Hot guy says yes.

454
00:20:05,917 --> 00:20:08,468
There he is, Mr. Successful Bar Owner.

455
00:20:08,503 --> 00:20:10,499
Oh, you must be thrilled.
Look at all the people.

456
00:20:10,524 --> 00:20:11,823
Yeah, yeah, big turnout.

457
00:20:12,010 --> 00:20:14,234
- I did that.
- Yes, you did.

458
00:20:14,259 --> 00:20:16,593
You brought 75 sober people to a bar.

459
00:20:17,690 --> 00:20:19,640
I'm running out of Diet Coke.

460
00:20:19,665 --> 00:20:22,695
Also, next time you
promise everyone free wings,

461
00:20:22,734 --> 00:20:24,100
don't do that.

462
00:20:25,030 --> 00:20:27,914
- Hey, congratulations.
- Yeah, this place is so cute.

463
00:20:27,939 --> 00:20:29,812
Thanks. What can I get you ladies?

464
00:20:29,837 --> 00:20:32,287
- An iced tea. - Me too.
- Cranberry juice.

465
00:20:32,778 --> 00:20:35,328
I don't have an
infection. I just like it.

466
00:20:37,366 --> 00:20:40,492
I sunk my life savings
into a lemonade stand.

467
00:20:41,031 --> 00:20:43,179
Okay, so, a guy asked me for my number.

468
00:20:43,204 --> 00:20:45,578
I have a date. Or he wants
me to do work on his house.

469
00:20:45,603 --> 00:20:47,296
But either way, yay!

470
00:20:49,498 --> 00:20:53,726
-- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe --
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