- Synced and corrected by medvidecek007 - - www.addic7ed.com -
Hi. My name is Mike.
And while your house is very nice,
this isn't going to be a love letter
thanking you for letting us stay here.
We usually come to the beach twice a year...
A week at the beginning of the summer
and a week at the end.
My wife's sister owns a place right on the water.
Her husband is a lawyer.
My family and I rent a condo
on the other side of the freeway
because I'm not a lawyer.
Guys, you've got to pay attention.
You're... You're dropping everything.
How come Aunt Debbie gets to stay on the beach?
Because Aunt Debbie married well.
Shh!
You want a dad who represents multi-national corporations
in tort litigation?
Huh? Does that seem like a fun dad to you?
_
Getting a new credit card?
Hopefully. Mine are maxed out.
Last week, I hit the limit on my Target,
and this morning, I used up my
Chevron card buying groceries.
Tommy tore my cards up.
Apparently, we can't afford my obsession with shoes
now that we have to save up to get
married because we have a kid.
Yeah.
Speaking of that, I'm totally available to babysit...
If the baby's already asleep
and you want to pay someone to watch TV.
Hey. Something's wrong with my phone.
Every time I call you, it goes straight to my own voicemail.
Oh, no. That's right.
After I dropped Clark at your sister's,
I stopped at the phone store to see about reducing our bill,
and after a brief, but spirited, discussion on roaming charges,
I ended up canceling my phone
and just had them forward all my calls to yours.
Oh, and I bought a churro.
I'm telling you that 'cause I feel guilty
about having a dessert when it's not the weekend.
Wait, so, you're just not gonna have a phone anymore?
Well, sure I will. We'll just share yours.
- Hello? - Is this Nikki Gooze?
- Who's calling? - Is it for me?
If it's a survey, don't hang up. I actually enjoy those.
Shh.
This is Shyrell from Colton Laboratories.
We received your DNA sample and your
cash, but you didn't fill in your...
Yeah, um, actually, we're not interested
in a home renovation right now,
so, um, thank you so much for calling, though.
Oh, also, we only get 15 texts per month now, so...
Make 'em count.
So, guys, I have a little surprise for you.
I was thinking, when we come back in a few months,
maybe we can get a house
on the beach, like Aunt Debbie.
This place looks awesome.
Honey, what are you doing?
A place like that... that's gonna cost an arm and a leg.
I'll figure it out. Don't worry.
You married better than these kids think.
Colton Laboratories. This is Shyrell.
Hi. This is Nikki Gooze. You just called.
Do you, um, have my DNA results?
Sweetheart, we just got your samples today.
Results can take up to 12 weeks.
I was calling you because you didn't fill in your address.
Yeah, that's because I live with my fiancée,
and he can't know I'm doing this.
Okay, so, then, we should call you with your results.
You need to quit it.
Hold on a sec.
Hello?
Uh, is Tommy there?
Can you call back in a few minutes?
Okay, but I was...
Okay, you can't call me. No. Yo... you ha... in fact, you need to
take this number out of your system. Never call this number again.
Okay, then, we will need an address.
How about your work?
Uh, work's no good. Let me think.
I swear to God, I will come over there and punch your ass.
That's right. Punch it.
I'd kick it, but my arms are stronger than my legs.
Oh, come on. You know I'm just playing.
Hey. Put a stamp on this, would you?
Vivian didn't have one, so I told her I'd
mail it for a dollar. Doubled our money.
Told you buying those forever stamps
10 years ago was going to pay off.
You know what?
Send it to 638 Carp Lane.
Hiiii.
If you're tired of living in a tent,
you can totally stay at my apartment.
Ah, thanks, but the tent's not that bad.
And somebody keeps dropping off food
in the morning, so, I mean, it's...
Well, I have those pillows that memorize your head
and a vegetable crisper full of Red Bull.
- I'm in. - Okay.
It's for you.
Hello?
Yes, I was calling about the house for rent.
I was wondering if it's available the week of, uh...
I'm sorry. One second. I'm getting a bad connection.
I've got an echo. I'm going to head outside.
Okay.
He's gonna head outside. He's getting a bad echo.
As luck would have it,
your house was available the week we needed it.
I just had to figure out a way to pay for it,
which meant pulling double shifts at work
for the next two months.
And the plan was going pretty smooth until one night,
during the tail end of a double shift, I was really tired,
and I wasn't paying attention to where I was walking...
Whoa!
... which led to a bit of an accident.
Turns out, my wife was wrong about your house.
It didn't cost me an arm and a leg.
Just a leg.
You learn a lot of things when you lose a limb.
For one, you learn you don't just
buy a prosthetic leg off the rack.
They have to fit you for it, and
it takes a few months to get made.
You also learn that children get pretty
freaked out by a missing limb...
no matter how hard your wife tries to make it fun for them.
All right, kids.
Who wants to meet Daddy's new friend, Mr. Whiskers?
You go.
Go.
And while they prescribe anti-bacterial soap
to help protect you from infection...
You learn they don't prescribe
anything to protect your feelings.
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
It's the first time that I've seen it naked.
It's not that bad.
The next thing you learn is that you don't
get to pick your home nurse.
That's good. That's good. Okay.
Oh!
Relax. Relax. Let me steer.
I am the captain now.
That was from a movie with Tommy Hanks.
"I am the captain now."
You see, there was a gentleman
who sounded like me who was a pirate,
and when he took charge of Tommy Hanks' boat,
he looked at him and he said...
"I am the captain now." Yeah. I saw the movie.
Yeah, we saw it.
Then, you learn you can't even
sleep in your own bed anymore.
Oh, Mike!
Oh, it touched me again.
The stump... It poked through
the pillow barrier, and it touched me.
What the hell do you want me to do?!
I thought you were gonna wear
the kitty-cat cozy that I made for you.
When I wear Mr. Whiskers, my stump gets hot, it sweats,
and you complain it smells like old mayonnaise.
Pick your poison, Lisa. Pick your poison!
Mayonnaise.
But the worst thing was the boredom.
The days turned into weeks,
the weeks turned into months,
and before you know it,
we lose all track of time.
Lisa!
Why are you yelling?
Why aren't we at the beach?
We were supposed to start using the house three days ago.
I just figured with everything going on...
Mike, I mean, you haven't left the house all summer.
I lost 9 inches of my leg for a week in that house, Lisa!
Every day we don't use it is 1.3 inches of flesh
I lost for nothing.
I lost an ankle for nothing!
Kids, pack your shit!
We're going to the beach!
Good morning. Oh, wonderful. You're off the chair.
I'll take this opportunity to Febreze the cushions.
We're going to the beach!
Splendid. The salt water is
actually good for healing wounds.
You hear that, Lisa? Maybe my leg will grow back!
Perhaps it will!
That will never happen.
But they told us in nursing school
that optimism has been clinically proven
aster get a patient back on their feet... foot.
Every second I wasn't
in your rental house, I was losing money.
So we packed up the wagon and hauled ass to the beach.
Yes!
Vivian?
Yeah?
Look what I found in the bathroom.
What is that?!
It's a camera in a tissue box.
Where did you get this tissue box?
Um, I... I think that I got it
at the drug store over on Maple.
Some creep at the drug store
must be putting cameras in tissue boxes
so he can watch women shower from his computer.
- What? - Yeah.
We should go down to that drug store
and buy all the tissue boxes so that no other women have to...
Do I smell Hot Pockets?
Oh. Yeah.
Bacon and cheddar... Your favorite.
I'm cooking them in the oven because you said the microwave
doesn't crust them up like you like.
And... and if that doesn't work,
I can start experimenting with basting.
- Wow. Vivian, you're the best. - Oh.
I don't know how I'm ever gonna
repay you for letting me stay here.
Well, I'm sure we'll think of something.
In the meantime, why don't you give me this camera,
and I'm gonna make a formal complaint.
You know what? I've got a better idea.
I'm going to put this back in the bathroom,
stand right in front of it, and jerk off. Yeah.
Let's give that drug-store creep
a whole lot more than he bargained for.
Oh, yeah.
Hey. Hey! There's lotion under the sink!
Anyway, my point in writing all of this is that
you should think about lowering your rental
price, so an average family of four can go
on a nice vacation without losing a limb.
That's right. I blame you.
Mike.
That's not funny!
Oh, come on. They're just having fun.
Look at the little seashells they used as toenails.
Tell me that doesn't make you smile.
You think this is funny?!
I'm crippled!
Why don't you go tell your parents
you made fun of a cripple, you little pricks?!
Go on! Get!
Hot. Hot. Hot. Hot. Hot. Hot. Hot. Hot! Hot! Hot!
Maybe the kids can all sleep over at my place tonight.
Mike seems like he could use a break... or a blowjob.
Thanks.
Mike?
Mike?! Where are you going?!
I'm going home. The sand is too hot.
People keep staring at me. This was a stupid idea.
Wait, you're just gonna leave us here?
You're acting insane!
Insane?! I'm acting like a guy who lost his leg, Lisa!
Trust me. You have no idea
what it's like to be in my shoe!
The second we get back to the house,
I'm checking these things for cameras.
Good idea.
You know, we should probably
also check each other for cameras.
You know, kind of like how, after you go hiking,
you check for ticks.
Eddie?!
I got to go.
Buddy. Where have you been?
If you've been hiding, you don't have to.
I'm not pissed that you burned down my van/home.
I know it was an accident.
I'm not gonna kick your ass.
Okay, uh, first of all, I'm pretty sure
I could beat the shit out of you,
but let's put a pin in that for the moment.
I was hoping the next time I saw you, I would be finished.
Finished with what?
I got it from a yard sale of sorts.
Basically, I saw it sitting in someone's yard
and I asked if it was for sale.
I tried to replace all the stuff that was inside.
Here's a new action figure.
Handsome Man.
I made his gi flame-retardant,
so, God forbid, he doesn't die the same way twice.
I don't know what to say.
I can't believe you did this.
Well, I had to, man.
My substandard joint extinguishment
destroyed your van/home.
I would never blame you for that!
Well, I know. That's why I had to do it.
Were you the one who was leaving the food
outside my tent on the beach?
I didn't want you to be hungry.
Thanks.
But for the record,
I like my peanut butter smooth, not crunchy.
I wish I would have known that!
God damn it!
I left my credit card at the beach.
Let's go.
Keep it running? Yeah.
Lisa!
Shit. Mike! This is nothing!
I had too many beers, and he let me cry on his shoulder.
And then, we just... We smoked a little hash,
and we watched a little porn on his phone,
and then, this just happened!
Mike! Mike!
Mike, wait!
Oh, my God. What did I do?
What did I do?
This is not your fault. I am to blame.
Sometimes, I can't control my desire to comfort.
No, you need to leave.
Are you sure?
Because I believe the orgasm count
is Lisa: 1, Kwame: 0.
Don't we think should even things out...
No.
- Huh? - No.
Perspective is an interesting thing.
And sometimes, to truly understand
why someone does the things they do,
you need to imagine what would have happened
if the shoe wasn't on the other foot.
Instead of being wrapped up in your own problems,
you need to consider what other people
might be going through...
...the things they're having to deal with...
Sorry.
... and how you might not be the only person
trying to cope with a shitty situation.
Ooh! Lisa! No, your stump touched me again!
You're gonna have to pick your poison, Mike!
Pants?
I lost 9 inches of my leg for that beach house, Mike.
Pack your shit! We're going to the beach!
Hey, that's not funny.
I'm acting like a woman who lost her leg, Mike!
You have no idea what it's like to be in my shoe!
And when we're hurting, stressed, and vulnerable,
we're all capable of making decisions
that we might later regret.
Mike?
Oh, shit. No, no, no, no.
This isn't what it looks like.
So, I'm sure you have a good reason
why you charge the rent you charge
for your beach house.
And if I was in your situation,
I might do the same.
I apologize for what I wrote earlier...
Your pal, Mike.
Mike.
Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.
I understand.
- You do? - Yes.
I've been so focused on what I was going through,
I didn't realize what you were going through.
I know this hasn't been easy on you, either.
I forgive you.
Oh. I... I should brush my teeth first.
I think I blew Kwame.
I appreciate that.
? Walk a mile in my shoe ?
Hey!
? Walk a mile in my sho-o-oe ?
? Before you abuse, criticize, and accuse ?
? Walk a mile in my shoe ?
? Now, your whole world you see around you ?
? Is just a reflection ?
? And the law of karma ?
? Says you're gonna reap just what you sow ?
- ? So, unless you've lived a life ? - Hey!
? Of total perfection ?
She's stealing my mail!
? You'd better be careful ?
? Of every stone that you should throw ?
? And yet we spend the day ?
? Throwing stones at one another ?
? 'Cause I don't think or wear ?
? my hair the same way you do ?
? Yeah, well, I may be common people ?
? But I'm still your sister ?
? When you strike out and try to hurt me ?
? It's hurting you ?
? Walk a mile in my shoes ?
? Before you abuse, criticize, and accuse ?
? Walk a mile in my shoes ?
Woman: Hey, Clem. It's me.
We're renting a beach house this weekend,
and we'd love to see you.
Maybe you can bring that girl we've heard about.
_
- Synced and corrected by medvidecek007 - - www.addic7ed.com -