1 00:00:02,805 --> 00:00:04,538 Oh, Mitchell. Are you awake? 2 00:00:04,606 --> 00:00:06,473 Yeah, I think the lady upstairs just screamed. 3 00:00:06,575 --> 00:00:08,708 - Should we check on her? - No, that was me. 4 00:00:08,744 --> 00:00:10,744 Something terrible just happened in the shower. 5 00:00:10,813 --> 00:00:12,379 Oh, God. What did you try to shave? 6 00:00:12,447 --> 00:00:15,615 No, I forgot the words to "Thank God I'm A Country Boy." 7 00:00:15,684 --> 00:00:18,819 Okay, two minutes ago, I was on the back of a snowmobile with Daniel Craig. 8 00:00:18,887 --> 00:00:21,054 Mitchell, I sang that song my entire childhood. 9 00:00:21,156 --> 00:00:22,856 If I can't remember the lyrics, 10 00:00:22,925 --> 00:00:25,091 that means I've lost complete touch with my roots. 11 00:00:25,160 --> 00:00:26,893 How could I let this happen? 12 00:00:26,962 --> 00:00:28,495 Don't be so hard on yourself. 13 00:00:28,564 --> 00:00:30,230 I'm not. This is mostly your doing. 14 00:00:30,299 --> 00:00:31,798 Should have seen that coming. 15 00:00:31,867 --> 00:00:33,233 You have shamed the country boy out of me. 16 00:00:33,302 --> 00:00:36,036 You roll your eyes when I say "y'all" or "fixin'". 17 00:00:36,104 --> 00:00:37,571 You made me take down our clothesline. 18 00:00:37,639 --> 00:00:39,539 I just asked that we put it in the backyard. 19 00:00:39,575 --> 00:00:40,574 You know what I have to do. 20 00:00:40,642 --> 00:00:41,908 ¿Relearn the lyrics? 21 00:00:42,010 --> 00:00:43,543 Get a chicken. 22 00:00:43,645 --> 00:00:45,846 So, apparently, there's no legal reason 23 00:00:45,914 --> 00:00:47,614 why we can't have a chicken in our backyard, 24 00:00:47,683 --> 00:00:50,083 and... and I did a real deep dive. 25 00:00:50,152 --> 00:00:54,554 Okay, so this is the kitchen, which we recently remodeled. 26 00:00:55,192 --> 00:00:57,157 Get used to that. 27 00:00:57,259 --> 00:00:59,993 Okay, this is the living room. 28 00:01:09,104 --> 00:01:11,338 - synced and corrected by sot26 - www.addic7ed.com 29 00:01:13,785 --> 00:01:17,510 Okay, so, you and Mom will be in the chairs. 30 00:01:17,613 --> 00:01:20,280 Me, Haley, and Luke will be on the couch. 31 00:01:20,382 --> 00:01:22,849 And the interviewer will be right here. 32 00:01:22,951 --> 00:01:25,518 Alex is up for a very prestigious government job 33 00:01:25,621 --> 00:01:28,021 that requires a family interview. 34 00:01:28,123 --> 00:01:30,023 In case they bring one of those memory zappers, 35 00:01:30,125 --> 00:01:32,025 I've Sharpied all the pertinent information on my arm... 36 00:01:32,127 --> 00:01:33,460 PIN numbers, et cetera. 37 00:01:33,562 --> 00:01:35,128 Oh, honey, you don't think that they're really going to... 38 00:01:35,230 --> 00:01:36,630 Oh, do not worry, little lady. 39 00:01:36,732 --> 00:01:38,698 I got you covered. 40 00:01:38,800 --> 00:01:40,700 If you really want to impress the interviewer, 41 00:01:40,802 --> 00:01:42,869 why don't you try casually leaving out 42 00:01:42,971 --> 00:01:45,538 this completed New York Times crossword 43 00:01:45,641 --> 00:01:47,340 that I found at the gym? 44 00:01:47,442 --> 00:01:49,676 Why bring a knife to a gun fight? 45 00:01:49,778 --> 00:01:51,978 How about I lay out the family heirloom? 46 00:01:52,080 --> 00:01:54,981 1931. Great-grandpa Ted Dunphy 47 00:01:55,083 --> 00:01:57,984 is driving south from Modesto one foggy evening. 48 00:01:58,086 --> 00:02:01,521 He picks up a stranded motorist and drives him to a gas station. 49 00:02:01,590 --> 00:02:04,824 The man has no money, so Ted pays for his gas. 50 00:02:04,927 --> 00:02:07,494 The man thanks him with a quick drawing on a cocktail napkin. 51 00:02:07,596 --> 00:02:10,864 For you see, that man... was Walt Disney. 52 00:02:10,933 --> 00:02:15,168 And this familiar fellow is Mickey Mouse. 53 00:02:15,270 --> 00:02:17,837 Yeah, no thanks on the heirloom or the crossword, guys. 54 00:02:17,940 --> 00:02:19,839 Let's keep it simple, okay? 55 00:02:19,942 --> 00:02:22,509 Honey, relax. You're awesome. 56 00:02:22,611 --> 00:02:23,843 It's gonna go great. 57 00:02:23,946 --> 00:02:26,346 Just as soon as we get this chair back 58 00:02:26,448 --> 00:02:29,015 to where it's been ever since we've lived in this house. 59 00:02:29,117 --> 00:02:31,885 Mom, can you please stop managing everything? 60 00:02:31,954 --> 00:02:33,353 You mean like when she cleaned my hat collection 61 00:02:33,455 --> 00:02:34,854 out of the front closet in case the interviewer 62 00:02:34,957 --> 00:02:36,056 looked in there? 63 00:02:36,158 --> 00:02:37,390 Honey, you never wore those hats, 64 00:02:37,492 --> 00:02:39,359 and the charity was glad to get them. 65 00:02:39,461 --> 00:02:41,061 Maybe you should have also donated my dream of one day 66 00:02:41,129 --> 00:02:43,196 going to the Kentucky Derby or Easter at a black church. 67 00:02:43,298 --> 00:02:46,066 Hey, Alex. Quick tip. Smile during the interview. 68 00:02:46,168 --> 00:02:48,401 I've been learning a lot about different personality types 69 00:02:48,503 --> 00:02:51,338 in my psych course, and you're kind of textbook borderline... 70 00:02:51,440 --> 00:02:52,839 all brains, no empathy. 71 00:02:52,941 --> 00:02:56,509 You know, Luke, we are so very proud of all the hard work you're doing, 72 00:02:56,611 --> 00:02:58,678 and I look forward to hearing your insights 73 00:02:58,780 --> 00:03:00,380 when you finish chapter two. 74 00:03:00,482 --> 00:03:03,550 But for now, maybe you could just put that book away. 75 00:03:03,652 --> 00:03:05,185 No surprise you'd say that. 76 00:03:05,287 --> 00:03:07,020 Controlling, obsessive... 77 00:03:07,122 --> 00:03:09,189 classic Commandant personality type. 78 00:03:09,291 --> 00:03:10,757 Ooh, burn. 79 00:03:10,859 --> 00:03:12,459 Oh, grow up, Haley. 80 00:03:12,561 --> 00:03:13,593 Sadly, she can't. 81 00:03:13,695 --> 00:03:16,262 Such is the plight of the Peter Pan personality. 82 00:03:16,365 --> 00:03:18,264 You're saying Haley refuses to grow up? 83 00:03:18,367 --> 00:03:19,599 I don't believe that. 84 00:03:19,701 --> 00:03:22,102 Which brings us to another type, the Dreamer... 85 00:03:22,204 --> 00:03:25,438 head in the clouds, tends to be naive, gullible. 86 00:03:25,540 --> 00:03:27,640 I love that you're smart now. 87 00:03:28,313 --> 00:03:30,143 That's your classic game-day breakfast... 88 00:03:30,245 --> 00:03:31,845 your carbs, fiber, your protein. 89 00:03:31,913 --> 00:03:33,480 You throw a shot of brandy in there, 90 00:03:33,582 --> 00:03:35,048 you'll be ready to play in the Ice Bowl. 91 00:03:35,150 --> 00:03:38,551 I don't eat beets. Never have, never will. 92 00:03:38,653 --> 00:03:41,054 When you were 2, you ate a dime and a butterfly. 93 00:03:41,156 --> 00:03:42,322 Now your body is a temple? 94 00:03:42,424 --> 00:03:44,157 He can eat a protein bar in the car. 95 00:03:44,259 --> 00:03:47,427 We still have to pick up some players that live far away. 96 00:03:47,529 --> 00:03:48,928 Gloria, this is not okay. 97 00:03:49,031 --> 00:03:49,929 It's legal. 98 00:03:50,032 --> 00:03:51,965 They have P.O. boxes in the district. 99 00:03:52,034 --> 00:03:54,434 And besides, everybody bends the rules. 100 00:03:54,536 --> 00:03:56,770 I swear the goalie from the other team 101 00:03:56,872 --> 00:03:58,438 has been my Uber driver. 102 00:03:58,540 --> 00:04:00,273 Gloria, I'm trying to get the kid 103 00:04:00,375 --> 00:04:02,742 to eat his vegetables. I could use a little support. 104 00:04:02,844 --> 00:04:03,843 Why aren't you dressed? 105 00:04:03,945 --> 00:04:06,179 You're supposed to referee two games today. 106 00:04:06,281 --> 00:04:07,847 I told you I don't want to do that! 107 00:04:07,949 --> 00:04:09,516 I got my boxing match tonight. 108 00:04:09,618 --> 00:04:11,751 Besides, those ref outfits are stupid. 109 00:04:11,853 --> 00:04:13,253 Walk it off. You're fine. 110 00:04:13,355 --> 00:04:16,589 - Move it, Joe. - You're not hearing that? 111 00:04:18,080 --> 00:04:20,960 So, Haley, you tell us about Alex. 112 00:04:21,063 --> 00:04:23,630 Well, it was not easy sharing a room with a genius. 113 00:04:23,732 --> 00:04:26,299 She was always up reading and calculating, 114 00:04:26,401 --> 00:04:28,201 but she also inspired me. 115 00:04:28,303 --> 00:04:29,469 When I turned 21, I said, 116 00:04:29,571 --> 00:04:32,305 "Haley, time to be your own woman," 117 00:04:32,407 --> 00:04:33,807 and I moved into the basement. 118 00:04:33,875 --> 00:04:35,875 I'm sorry. I don't... I don't mean to interrupt, 119 00:04:35,977 --> 00:04:38,044 but I just keep replaying 120 00:04:38,146 --> 00:04:40,847 my answer to you about my parenting style. 121 00:04:40,916 --> 00:04:42,482 Oh, don't give it a second thought. 122 00:04:42,584 --> 00:04:46,019 But when I said I wanted to run away and never come back, that was a joke. 123 00:04:46,121 --> 00:04:47,587 - Yeah, absolutely. - I know. 124 00:04:47,656 --> 00:04:49,089 It's just that you wrote it down like... 125 00:04:49,157 --> 00:04:50,857 - Mom, let it go. - Okay. 126 00:04:50,926 --> 00:04:54,294 So, Alex, I see you spent your summer in Honduras. 127 00:04:54,362 --> 00:04:57,530 Any other travel that inspired... 128 00:04:57,599 --> 00:04:58,731 Mrs. Dunphy? 129 00:04:58,800 --> 00:05:01,501 If you could maybe just make a little, like, L-O-L 130 00:05:01,570 --> 00:05:04,003 next to my joke, so then it's super clear. 131 00:05:04,139 --> 00:05:05,805 Australia, a camping trip to Costa Rica, 132 00:05:05,874 --> 00:05:07,907 - and a month in Europe. - Excellent. 133 00:05:07,976 --> 00:05:10,510 Well, she does come by her wanderlust honestly. 134 00:05:10,579 --> 00:05:12,445 The kids here all know about my high school trip 135 00:05:12,514 --> 00:05:14,647 to the Soviet Union. 136 00:05:14,716 --> 00:05:16,416 Yeah, but she doesn't need to hear about that. 137 00:05:16,518 --> 00:05:18,718 - No, please. Continue. - In the depths of the Cold War, 138 00:05:18,787 --> 00:05:20,954 my tumbling team was part of a cultural exchange. 139 00:05:21,022 --> 00:05:23,089 I became friends with a Russian tumbler named Sergei 140 00:05:23,158 --> 00:05:25,358 who wanted to hear all about the U.S. 141 00:05:25,460 --> 00:05:27,594 He asked me to... to send pictures when I got home, 142 00:05:27,662 --> 00:05:29,195 and not just touristy stuff. 143 00:05:29,264 --> 00:05:30,964 Sergei was interested in ordinary things... 144 00:05:31,066 --> 00:05:34,234 uh, airports, um, power plants, train stations. 145 00:05:34,336 --> 00:05:36,202 His family was in the fence business. 146 00:05:36,271 --> 00:05:40,607 He said our military had the best fencing in the world. 147 00:05:40,675 --> 00:05:45,011 I must have sent him 50 pictures of the perimeter of Camp Pendleton. 148 00:05:45,814 --> 00:05:48,681 Anyway, we don't want to take up your whole day. 149 00:05:48,750 --> 00:05:50,483 You wouldn't have time to write up your report, 150 00:05:50,585 --> 00:05:52,452 which you could title "Alex Dunphy: 151 00:05:52,521 --> 00:05:55,421 The Apple that fell very far from the Tree." 152 00:05:55,457 --> 00:05:57,357 - Thank you all very much. We will be in touch. - Thank you. 153 00:05:57,425 --> 00:05:58,324 Okay, bye-bye. 154 00:05:58,426 --> 00:05:59,792 - Bye. - Fun chatting. 155 00:05:59,895 --> 00:06:03,429 You know what? We Dunphys clean up pretty well when we want to, don't we? 156 00:06:03,532 --> 00:06:05,064 Are you kidding me? 157 00:06:05,133 --> 00:06:08,701 Mom, did you really have to OCD all over her notebook? 158 00:06:08,803 --> 00:06:12,705 And you, bragging about still living at home at, like, what? 30? 159 00:06:12,807 --> 00:06:15,375 And Dad, well done. 160 00:06:15,443 --> 00:06:17,210 There's nothing that cinches a government job 161 00:06:17,279 --> 00:06:19,245 like finding out your dad was a Russian spy! 162 00:06:19,347 --> 00:06:20,914 Luke was right about all of you. 163 00:06:21,016 --> 00:06:23,416 Commandant, Peter Pan, Dreamer. 164 00:06:23,518 --> 00:06:27,053 Thank you, Alexandra. It's not easy being the smart ones in this family. 165 00:06:27,155 --> 00:06:28,888 Don't compare us! 166 00:06:28,990 --> 00:06:30,557 Your last English paper came back 167 00:06:30,659 --> 00:06:33,526 with a Garfield sticker on it that said "Way to go!" 168 00:06:33,628 --> 00:06:36,029 That's the second highest sticker she gives out! 169 00:06:41,108 --> 00:06:43,775 Another fresh one, courtesy of Princess Layer. 170 00:06:43,844 --> 00:06:44,910 Another new name? 171 00:06:44,979 --> 00:06:47,212 She's already been Egg Ryan and Chicky Minaj. 172 00:06:47,281 --> 00:06:49,147 I know having a chicken isn't your dream. 173 00:06:49,249 --> 00:06:51,083 But if it makes you feel any better, 174 00:06:51,151 --> 00:06:52,951 I think I know who I am again. 175 00:06:53,053 --> 00:06:55,687 A person who hates chickens! 176 00:06:55,756 --> 00:06:59,224 They are filthy and beyond stupid. 177 00:06:59,293 --> 00:07:01,627 The moment I can find the receipt, I am returning that chicken. 178 00:07:01,695 --> 00:07:02,761 But I'm not gonna let Mitchell know because, 179 00:07:02,796 --> 00:07:05,564 like that vile bird, I made a big stink. 180 00:07:05,633 --> 00:07:08,634 Oh. We're out of chicken feed again? 181 00:07:08,702 --> 00:07:11,570 I have a meeting at the school today with the homecoming committee. 182 00:07:11,605 --> 00:07:12,671 If polling is correct, 183 00:07:12,740 --> 00:07:14,272 the new queen is gonna be in a wheelchair, 184 00:07:14,375 --> 00:07:18,377 and we already blew our ramp budget on a balloon drop, so could you maybe... 185 00:07:18,445 --> 00:07:21,113 Cam, this will be my third trip to the feed and grain store this week. 186 00:07:21,181 --> 00:07:26,084 We agreed that you'd be the one to take care of this awful thing. 187 00:07:26,153 --> 00:07:28,820 I've never really felt a connection to animals, 188 00:07:28,889 --> 00:07:31,289 but there's just something about that chicken. 189 00:07:31,358 --> 00:07:33,892 The soulful eyes, the nervous movements, 190 00:07:33,961 --> 00:07:36,628 the cute little splash of red on top. 191 00:07:36,730 --> 00:07:38,230 She's just likeable. 192 00:07:38,298 --> 00:07:40,332 Plus, I love going to that feed store. 193 00:07:40,401 --> 00:07:43,101 T-The second I walk through the door, I'm one of them. 194 00:07:45,072 --> 00:07:46,805 - Howdy, Bobby. - Hey. 195 00:07:46,874 --> 00:07:47,773 Smells like rain. 196 00:07:47,841 --> 00:07:49,241 What are you doing back so soon? 197 00:07:49,343 --> 00:07:51,610 Yeah, I told you you got to buy more than one bag of feed at a time. 198 00:07:51,679 --> 00:07:53,245 No, it's no bother. 199 00:07:53,313 --> 00:07:55,514 No, it's nice to get out of the field, 200 00:07:55,582 --> 00:07:57,783 away from the chicken... s. 201 00:07:58,986 --> 00:08:00,152 Evenin'. 202 00:08:01,722 --> 00:08:03,255 The problem is I can't let Cam know 203 00:08:03,323 --> 00:08:05,991 that I'm enjoying my new life as a gentleman farmer. 204 00:08:06,060 --> 00:08:07,926 I-I've spent our whole relationship 205 00:08:07,995 --> 00:08:10,529 trying to tamp down his farm-ness. 206 00:08:10,597 --> 00:08:12,130 Ugh, it's all the encouragement he'd need 207 00:08:12,199 --> 00:08:15,500 to... to move us to Missouri and go full Old MacDonald. 208 00:08:15,602 --> 00:08:17,373 E-I-E-I-no. 209 00:08:19,473 --> 00:08:22,507 Did I leave that unlatched? Oh, God. 210 00:08:22,576 --> 00:08:25,844 Hennifer? Hennifer?! 211 00:08:26,984 --> 00:08:29,448 Hey, are you Ridley? I'm reffing the 1:00 game. 212 00:08:29,550 --> 00:08:32,451 Hey, do I get my voucher for a hot dog before or after? 213 00:08:32,519 --> 00:08:34,753 Oh... Hey. You got your whistle? 214 00:08:34,822 --> 00:08:36,221 Oh, damn. I forgot it. 215 00:08:36,290 --> 00:08:39,224 Late and no whistle? Where's your respect for the game? 216 00:08:39,259 --> 00:08:40,525 On a football field somewhere. 217 00:08:40,594 --> 00:08:42,728 - Hey, what do you say I borrow yours? - Are you kidding? 218 00:08:42,796 --> 00:08:44,196 I just lost six weeks of school to mono. 219 00:08:44,264 --> 00:08:45,263 You're on field 4. 220 00:08:47,306 --> 00:08:49,201 All right. Let's get this over with. 221 00:08:49,269 --> 00:08:50,969 You are the referee for my game? 222 00:08:51,071 --> 00:08:52,437 You don't know anything about soccer. 223 00:08:52,506 --> 00:08:54,740 Take that up with the lady who forced me into this. 224 00:08:55,547 --> 00:08:56,641 Okay, purple, let's go! 225 00:08:56,744 --> 00:08:58,443 Joe, Finn, Clyde up front! 226 00:08:58,545 --> 00:09:00,245 Lucas, Dylan, Chad in the back! 227 00:09:00,347 --> 00:09:02,247 Estefan, in goal! 228 00:09:02,282 --> 00:09:05,383 I'm guessing that Estefan is the kid who lives out of the district? 229 00:09:05,486 --> 00:09:07,419 His legs are hairier than mine, 230 00:09:07,488 --> 00:09:09,488 and I think he was wearing a wedding ring. 231 00:09:09,556 --> 00:09:12,991 Let's get this party started, rookie. 232 00:09:14,975 --> 00:09:18,096 Okay, they won't start unless you use the whistle. 233 00:09:18,198 --> 00:09:20,966 Whistle! Whistle! 234 00:09:21,068 --> 00:09:24,136 Clyde, it's open! Yes! 235 00:09:24,171 --> 00:09:27,272 Whistle! No goal! Purple offside! 236 00:09:27,341 --> 00:09:29,040 Offside? Are you blind? 237 00:09:29,143 --> 00:09:31,977 He's right. Free kick for red right where the ball is. 238 00:09:32,079 --> 00:09:34,579 Yes, free kick for red right where the ball is. 239 00:09:34,681 --> 00:09:36,515 And... whistle. 240 00:09:37,751 --> 00:09:40,418 For the first time in weeks, Gloria had to listen to me. 241 00:09:40,487 --> 00:09:43,054 I was in charge. Ridley said so. 242 00:09:44,217 --> 00:09:45,357 Goal, yes! 243 00:09:45,425 --> 00:09:47,325 Coach, you're running up the score. 244 00:09:47,394 --> 00:09:48,960 You got to sub in some of your weaker players. 245 00:09:49,029 --> 00:09:51,196 How about this kid with the neck pillow? It's usually a tip-off. 246 00:09:51,265 --> 00:09:53,498 I'm not running up the score. I'm winning. 247 00:09:53,534 --> 00:09:56,368 You either make the substitution or you are leaving my field. 248 00:09:56,436 --> 00:09:58,103 - Pbht. - That's it! Whistle! 249 00:09:58,205 --> 00:09:59,070 You're out of here! 250 00:10:01,375 --> 00:10:02,307 Doesn't frighten me. 251 00:10:05,412 --> 00:10:06,778 How about that? 252 00:10:06,880 --> 00:10:07,879 A little bit. 253 00:10:10,551 --> 00:10:11,950 Oh, hey, Haley. What's up? 254 00:10:12,019 --> 00:10:13,785 I'm kind of mad at my family, actually. 255 00:10:13,821 --> 00:10:16,321 They keep saying I have one of those Peter Pan personalities, 256 00:10:16,390 --> 00:10:17,789 so, um, change of plans. 257 00:10:17,858 --> 00:10:19,191 We're going to a play, not the circus. 258 00:10:19,293 --> 00:10:20,225 Wait, what? 259 00:10:20,294 --> 00:10:21,459 Dylan, don't make a thing out of this. 260 00:10:21,562 --> 00:10:24,129 The elephant's not going to remember you promised to see him next year. 261 00:10:24,164 --> 00:10:27,465 No, Haley. I-I can't hear you. Bad reception. 262 00:10:27,568 --> 00:10:28,633 Let me move up. 263 00:10:32,573 --> 00:10:33,805 Was Alex right? 264 00:10:33,841 --> 00:10:37,175 Had I been an unwitting... an unwitting spy? 265 00:10:37,244 --> 00:10:39,811 I even dug out an old article they'd done on me 266 00:10:39,880 --> 00:10:41,580 in a Russian newspaper during my trip. 267 00:10:41,648 --> 00:10:43,381 Sergei told me the headline said, 268 00:10:43,417 --> 00:10:45,672 "Young Tumbler's Mission of Friendship." 269 00:10:45,752 --> 00:10:48,353 A quick scan into Google Translate revealed the truth... 270 00:10:48,422 --> 00:10:52,090 "Famous Tumbler Denounces the West." 271 00:10:52,159 --> 00:10:53,725 I needed some fresh air to clear my head. 272 00:10:53,760 --> 00:10:55,293 Had I been that big a dupe in high school? 273 00:10:55,362 --> 00:10:58,163 And if so, what was stopping them from trying to use me again today? 274 00:11:07,262 --> 00:11:08,440 Hey, Mr. D! 275 00:11:08,542 --> 00:11:11,977 Hey, hey, hey! What's up, buddy?! 276 00:11:18,218 --> 00:11:20,385 Makes you crazy, doesn't it, Commandant? 277 00:11:20,487 --> 00:11:21,620 No. 278 00:11:21,688 --> 00:11:24,256 So you weren't about to straighten that chair? 279 00:11:24,291 --> 00:11:26,625 Because if the whole world isn't completely ordered, 280 00:11:26,693 --> 00:11:28,493 it feels like your skin is on fire? 281 00:11:28,562 --> 00:11:30,896 This is literally armchair psychology. 282 00:11:30,998 --> 00:11:34,266 Luke, your label for me was spot on. I am a Dreamer. 283 00:11:34,334 --> 00:11:36,034 No, worse, I'm a... I'm a patsy, 284 00:11:36,103 --> 00:11:37,502 a mark, a full-on sucker! 285 00:11:37,571 --> 00:11:39,738 Phil, calm down. You're not a dupe. 286 00:11:39,840 --> 00:11:41,473 Have a seat. 287 00:11:41,541 --> 00:11:42,474 - Sad. - Hmm. 288 00:11:42,509 --> 00:11:44,743 - Hey, guys. - Hey, Dylan. Sweet lid. 289 00:11:44,811 --> 00:11:46,378 - What did it cost you? - Zilch. 290 00:11:46,446 --> 00:11:49,297 Someone threw a bunch of them in the trash across the street. 291 00:11:49,332 --> 00:11:50,682 So, uh, Haley's waiting for you downstairs. 292 00:11:50,751 --> 00:11:52,484 - Off you go. - Hang on. I used to have a Panama that looked a little like... 293 00:11:52,586 --> 00:11:53,985 And my fedora! 294 00:11:54,021 --> 00:11:56,221 You duped me into believing we were donating them to ISSBA, 295 00:11:56,290 --> 00:11:58,189 and you were just gonna throw them in the trash. 296 00:11:58,258 --> 00:11:59,958 But this doesn't just hurt me, Claire. 297 00:12:00,027 --> 00:12:01,426 What about the poor people at the Institute 298 00:12:01,495 --> 00:12:04,462 for Sun-Sensitive Bald... Americans? 299 00:12:04,564 --> 00:12:05,931 I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Phil. 300 00:12:05,999 --> 00:12:07,732 It's just that woman was coming and the interview... 301 00:12:07,801 --> 00:12:09,334 and there was all that clutter. 302 00:12:09,436 --> 00:12:11,836 I'm sick. Tell him, Luke. 303 00:12:11,872 --> 00:12:13,738 Save it, Claire. You think of me what everyone thinks of me. 304 00:12:13,807 --> 00:12:16,308 I'm a rube, a pigeon, a greenhorn. 305 00:12:16,376 --> 00:12:18,910 Okay, Dylan. Let's get you changed and lose the hat. 306 00:12:19,012 --> 00:12:21,846 It's rude to block people's views where we'll be spending our afternoon... 307 00:12:21,949 --> 00:12:24,115 at an adult theater. 308 00:12:24,217 --> 00:12:25,917 Huh. 309 00:12:26,019 --> 00:12:28,853 I mean, we all knew there was gonna be a third one, right? 310 00:12:28,922 --> 00:12:30,121 - I didn't! - Okay. 311 00:12:32,641 --> 00:12:35,075 - I must have left the latch open. - You probably did. 312 00:12:35,110 --> 00:12:37,495 I... I know how much that chicken means to you. 313 00:12:37,597 --> 00:12:38,830 So much. 314 00:12:38,899 --> 00:12:40,131 And now something this painful... 315 00:12:40,200 --> 00:12:43,535 I-I don't think I could have a chicken again... ever. 316 00:12:43,637 --> 00:12:45,570 Wait, wait. T-The security camera. 317 00:12:45,639 --> 00:12:47,672 We can... We can find out exactly what happened. 318 00:12:47,741 --> 00:12:49,474 Oh, yeah. I... forgot about that. 319 00:12:49,576 --> 00:12:51,643 Mitchell, Mitchell, wait, wait. 320 00:12:51,678 --> 00:12:53,445 You're not used to the harsh realities of farm life. 321 00:12:53,480 --> 00:12:55,513 All these animals... they seem so sweet, 322 00:12:55,582 --> 00:12:58,016 but it's a bloodbath at the first sign of weakness, 323 00:12:58,085 --> 00:13:01,086 like dinner with our friends when one person gets up from the table. 324 00:13:01,154 --> 00:13:02,420 Oh, my God. Okay, well, you... you look 325 00:13:02,456 --> 00:13:04,289 - and tell me what happened. - Okay. 326 00:13:04,653 --> 00:13:07,110 And later, tell me what people say when I leave the table. 327 00:13:07,145 --> 00:13:10,228 Okay, well, nothing happening yet. 328 00:13:10,330 --> 00:13:11,262 Okay, you know, I want to see. 329 00:13:11,331 --> 00:13:13,665 No. No, no, no. Don't. 330 00:13:13,998 --> 00:13:15,333 Oh, no. Oh, no. 331 00:13:15,435 --> 00:13:17,335 - Something's come into the backyard. - What? 332 00:13:17,437 --> 00:13:18,737 I think it's a raccoon. 333 00:13:18,839 --> 00:13:22,741 - Oh! Oh, the... Oh, the horror! - Oh, my God! 334 00:13:22,843 --> 00:13:24,409 No, no. No, she's fighting. 335 00:13:24,511 --> 00:13:26,077 She's fighting, Mitchell, with every fiber... 336 00:13:26,179 --> 00:13:28,146 - That's right. - ...of her indomitable chicken-y spirit. 337 00:13:28,812 --> 00:13:30,648 And it's over. Oh, gosh. 338 00:13:30,751 --> 00:13:32,484 Well, that's the worst farm calamity I've seen 339 00:13:32,586 --> 00:13:33,985 since a dinner theater production of "Oklahoma!" 340 00:13:34,087 --> 00:13:35,987 starring Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. 341 00:13:36,089 --> 00:13:37,489 Delete. Hmm. 342 00:13:38,117 --> 00:13:38,957 Where's the body? 343 00:13:39,059 --> 00:13:41,026 Um, dragged off. 344 00:13:41,128 --> 00:13:42,394 Well, then she could still be alive! 345 00:13:42,462 --> 00:13:43,595 W-We have to look for her. 346 00:13:43,697 --> 00:13:45,830 Okay. G-Grab her favorite squeak toy. 347 00:13:45,932 --> 00:13:46,931 Okay, well, which... which one? 348 00:13:47,034 --> 00:13:48,892 Squirrely Temple or Lionardo DiCaprio? 349 00:13:48,927 --> 00:13:50,598 It's like you don't even know her. 350 00:13:51,496 --> 00:13:55,409 "Dead-end alcoholics... broken lives, and broken dreams..." 351 00:13:55,511 --> 00:13:57,377 Nope, nothing about Spider-Man. 352 00:13:57,446 --> 00:13:59,313 Must be a different Iceman that cometh. 353 00:13:59,415 --> 00:14:01,448 That's okay. It could still be good. 354 00:14:01,550 --> 00:14:05,219 But, Dylan, you have to stop looking at the carnival over there. 355 00:14:05,287 --> 00:14:07,821 I'm sorry, but it just might be easier to enjoy 356 00:14:07,890 --> 00:14:10,724 this unsparing look at life's castoffs 357 00:14:10,826 --> 00:14:12,359 if I knew that afterwards, 358 00:14:12,461 --> 00:14:15,662 we were gonna walketh over there and goeth to the bumper cars. 359 00:14:15,731 --> 00:14:17,798 I'm literally asking for only... 360 00:14:17,833 --> 00:14:19,266 4 1/2 hours? 361 00:14:19,368 --> 00:14:22,035 Look. I know you want to prove that we're mature adults, 362 00:14:22,104 --> 00:14:23,470 but look at this line. 363 00:14:23,572 --> 00:14:25,606 We are the young people here. 364 00:14:25,708 --> 00:14:26,774 Whereas... 365 00:14:26,876 --> 00:14:28,609 At the carnival, we'd be, like, 366 00:14:28,644 --> 00:14:30,677 the oldest people there? 367 00:14:30,746 --> 00:14:32,446 May I remind you what they said to us last time 368 00:14:32,515 --> 00:14:34,248 when they escorted us out of the ball pit? 369 00:14:34,316 --> 00:14:37,584 "Excuse me, but this attraction isn't really for..." 370 00:14:37,653 --> 00:14:39,186 - "Adults." - Aha. 371 00:14:39,288 --> 00:14:42,623 - M'lady. - M'Dylan. 372 00:14:44,026 --> 00:14:45,392 Okay, we need to talk. 373 00:14:45,461 --> 00:14:46,927 You bet we need to talk. 374 00:14:46,962 --> 00:14:48,662 I was out of bounds throwing you out of that game. 375 00:14:48,697 --> 00:14:50,898 You bet you were out of bounds throwing me out of that game. 376 00:14:50,966 --> 00:14:52,499 But it was all my fault, Jay. 377 00:14:52,568 --> 00:14:54,768 You bet it was all my fault, Jay... 378 00:14:54,837 --> 00:14:56,804 Don't Bugs Bunny me. 379 00:14:56,839 --> 00:14:59,373 Okay. So we both like to be in charge. 380 00:14:59,408 --> 00:15:01,608 But when it comes to Joe, can we both be on the same page? 381 00:15:01,677 --> 00:15:03,243 Like this morning when I was trying to get him 382 00:15:03,312 --> 00:15:06,213 to eat his vegetables? Back me up. 383 00:15:06,282 --> 00:15:08,315 I knew I should have thrown away those beets! 384 00:15:08,384 --> 00:15:09,950 Stupid. What am I, 4? 385 00:15:10,019 --> 00:15:13,387 I guess we're not setting a very good example. 386 00:15:13,455 --> 00:15:17,191 Exactly! When we say no to each other, he thinks he can say no to us. 387 00:15:17,259 --> 00:15:18,959 Yeah, like for his homework, his bedtime... 388 00:15:19,028 --> 00:15:20,894 Or something important like eating those nutritious... 389 00:15:22,798 --> 00:15:24,264 - Whistle! - Whistle! 390 00:15:25,951 --> 00:15:26,900 Phil, look. 391 00:15:26,936 --> 00:15:28,936 I'm really sorry I lied to you about the hats. 392 00:15:29,038 --> 00:15:30,804 But in all fairness, you do have a tendency to... 393 00:15:30,906 --> 00:15:32,906 This again? How I can't throw anything away? 394 00:15:32,975 --> 00:15:36,510 We have 100 episodes of "Hoarders" on DVR 395 00:15:36,545 --> 00:15:38,111 in case you want to watch them again. 396 00:15:38,147 --> 00:15:39,213 That's not what this is about. 397 00:15:39,281 --> 00:15:41,982 This is about me blindly believing whatever anybody tells me. 398 00:15:42,051 --> 00:15:44,418 You're being too hard on yourself. 399 00:15:44,486 --> 00:15:46,186 You want to see the best in people. 400 00:15:46,288 --> 00:15:48,255 It doesn't mean you're gonna believe just anything. 401 00:15:48,324 --> 00:15:50,657 Really? What about our beloved family heirloom? 402 00:15:50,759 --> 00:15:52,059 - Claire? - Hmm? 403 00:15:52,094 --> 00:15:55,062 Is this real, or am I just a fourth-generation Dunphy dummy? 404 00:15:55,130 --> 00:15:59,600 Well, uh, Mickey's shoulders are a bit muscular. 405 00:15:59,668 --> 00:16:02,169 But, perhaps, Walt customized it 406 00:16:02,271 --> 00:16:04,471 for your great-grandfather because he was, uh... 407 00:16:04,540 --> 00:16:05,706 He was a longshoreman? 408 00:16:05,808 --> 00:16:07,507 - He sold ladies' bonnets. - Oh. 409 00:16:07,576 --> 00:16:09,776 Mom, can you slip Dad's credit card back in his wallet before he... 410 00:16:09,879 --> 00:16:11,578 Oh. Hey, handsome. 411 00:16:11,647 --> 00:16:13,347 Further proof of how you all see me... 412 00:16:13,415 --> 00:16:15,048 as a turnip truck faller-offer! 413 00:16:15,150 --> 00:16:17,017 - No. - Then I'll ask you. 414 00:16:17,086 --> 00:16:20,587 Do you believe that this was drawn by Walt Disney? 415 00:16:20,689 --> 00:16:22,222 Uh... 416 00:16:22,291 --> 00:16:23,924 Alex, get in here. 417 00:16:23,993 --> 00:16:25,559 - Alex! - No, honey, you know what she's gonna say. 418 00:16:25,628 --> 00:16:27,527 Her optometrist won't even let her wear contacts 419 00:16:27,563 --> 00:16:30,330 'cause of all the excessive eye rolling... Hi. 420 00:16:30,432 --> 00:16:31,535 I need to know the truth. 421 00:16:32,201 --> 00:16:35,035 Alex, real or unreal? 422 00:16:36,243 --> 00:16:37,037 Real. 423 00:16:37,106 --> 00:16:39,439 Yeah, it's a little off, but didn't you say 424 00:16:39,541 --> 00:16:41,408 he had to draw it in the back of a truck? 425 00:16:41,477 --> 00:16:43,043 And what hitchhiker 426 00:16:43,112 --> 00:16:44,811 would be carrying around a drafting pencil 427 00:16:44,914 --> 00:16:46,380 if he wasn't some sort of an animator? 428 00:16:46,886 --> 00:16:50,717 And who would run out of gas on the side of the road 429 00:16:50,819 --> 00:16:53,587 but a starry-eyed dreamer envisioning the happiest place on earth? 430 00:16:53,656 --> 00:16:56,156 So... real. 431 00:16:56,225 --> 00:16:57,491 Also I got the job. 432 00:16:57,593 --> 00:16:58,992 - What? - Hey. 433 00:16:59,094 --> 00:17:01,061 Yeah, they just called. I'm still in shock myself. 434 00:17:01,130 --> 00:17:02,696 Oh, honey. I'm so proud of you. 435 00:17:02,798 --> 00:17:04,331 Oh, let me get some champagne. 436 00:17:04,433 --> 00:17:05,666 Luke, help me with the glasses. 437 00:17:05,734 --> 00:17:08,502 Alex, that's amazing. I knew you could do it. 438 00:17:08,604 --> 00:17:09,736 You say that about everything. 439 00:17:09,838 --> 00:17:12,406 - Well, I know, but... - No, thank you. 440 00:17:12,508 --> 00:17:16,209 Riding a bike, my first cello concert, 441 00:17:16,245 --> 00:17:18,946 freshman chemistry, this job... 442 00:17:19,014 --> 00:17:21,682 every time I was sure I couldn't do something, 443 00:17:21,784 --> 00:17:22,983 you convinced me I could. 444 00:17:23,919 --> 00:17:26,520 It's nice to have a believer in the house. 445 00:17:34,496 --> 00:17:36,229 I don't see her anywhere. 446 00:17:36,265 --> 00:17:38,365 All right, let's maybe turn around and look over there? 447 00:17:38,400 --> 00:17:40,300 Okay, Mitchell, why would the chicken cross the road? 448 00:17:40,402 --> 00:17:42,769 We were never finding that chicken. 449 00:17:42,838 --> 00:17:45,038 After an unpleasant struggle that I only won 450 00:17:45,107 --> 00:17:47,474 after sustaining multiple scratches, 451 00:17:47,543 --> 00:17:48,942 I put it in the back seat of my car, 452 00:17:49,011 --> 00:17:52,179 drove it to the egg farm, and lobbed it over the fence. 453 00:17:52,247 --> 00:17:54,081 They can fly a little. 454 00:17:54,149 --> 00:17:56,383 Oh, your arm's all scratched up. What happened? 455 00:17:56,452 --> 00:17:58,185 Oh, um, it's probably from when I was trying to 456 00:17:58,253 --> 00:18:00,620 break that fight up with those, um... those blue jays. 457 00:18:00,689 --> 00:18:02,255 - Oh. - Oh, gosh. Oh, God. 458 00:18:02,560 --> 00:18:03,390 Oh, man. 459 00:18:03,492 --> 00:18:05,792 I am all of a sudden feeling very tired. 460 00:18:05,828 --> 00:18:07,361 - Well, do you want me to drive? - No, no, it's fine. 461 00:18:07,463 --> 00:18:08,328 - Cam, watch out! - Oh, my God! 462 00:18:12,501 --> 00:18:14,034 You got rid of Hennifer. 463 00:18:15,632 --> 00:18:16,703 Okay, I admit it. 464 00:18:16,739 --> 00:18:18,572 I hated that chicken, and I was too ashamed 465 00:18:18,640 --> 00:18:20,841 to say anything cause I... I made such a big stink 466 00:18:20,943 --> 00:18:22,642 out of you shaming the country out of me. 467 00:18:22,711 --> 00:18:23,643 I'm sorry. 468 00:18:23,746 --> 00:18:25,078 I have a confession. 469 00:18:25,147 --> 00:18:27,247 - I love that chicken. - Really? 470 00:18:27,282 --> 00:18:29,483 I-I didn't want to admit it because I like to see myself 471 00:18:29,585 --> 00:18:31,952 as a sort of, you know, sophisticated urbanite. 472 00:18:32,350 --> 00:18:33,587 But I guess you... 473 00:18:33,655 --> 00:18:35,022 you countrified me a little. 474 00:18:35,090 --> 00:18:37,157 Well, you citified me. 475 00:18:37,259 --> 00:18:39,126 - Aww, that's kind of sweet. - It is. 476 00:18:39,194 --> 00:18:40,594 You know, now we just need to find an activity 477 00:18:40,662 --> 00:18:43,697 that satisfies the straw-chewing country boy in you 478 00:18:43,799 --> 00:18:46,933 and the window-shopping cosmopolitan in me. 479 00:18:48,837 --> 00:18:51,038 Drive up the road a piece. 480 00:18:51,625 --> 00:18:53,640 Now, will this horse shampoo harm a cat? 481 00:18:53,742 --> 00:18:55,108 Because I just... I love the scent. 482 00:18:55,998 --> 00:18:57,511 Collar up or down? 483 00:18:57,546 --> 00:18:58,678 Uh, down. 484 00:18:58,781 --> 00:19:00,580 Yeah. 485 00:19:03,412 --> 00:19:05,052 You'll pay for that! 486 00:19:06,488 --> 00:19:08,355 Oh, my God. Oh, my God. 487 00:19:08,457 --> 00:19:10,357 Timeout, timeout! I just saw my reflection! 488 00:19:10,426 --> 00:19:13,026 I told you that churro was going to drink up my lipstick. 489 00:19:13,128 --> 00:19:14,995 Time in! 490 00:19:15,097 --> 00:19:16,496 Oh, my God! 491 00:19:16,598 --> 00:19:18,799 Dylan, the lipstick went up my nose! 492 00:19:18,867 --> 00:19:20,667 It's really jammed up there! 493 00:19:20,769 --> 00:19:23,804 Oh, okay. Stay still, Haley. 494 00:19:23,906 --> 00:19:25,772 I'll... I'll hit you from the other side. 495 00:19:27,489 --> 00:19:30,077 What are you doing? 496 00:19:32,381 --> 00:19:35,182 Just want to let you know, the x-ray shows no broken nose. 497 00:19:35,284 --> 00:19:37,484 I guess you figured out we were acting kind of childish. 498 00:19:37,586 --> 00:19:39,052 Enjoy it while you can, right? 499 00:19:39,154 --> 00:19:42,055 Yeah. Who says we have to race into being adults? 500 00:19:42,157 --> 00:19:43,723 Why wouldn't you want to enjoy a carefree life 501 00:19:43,826 --> 00:19:45,025 as long as you could? 502 00:19:45,127 --> 00:19:46,393 At least until the baby comes. 503 00:19:46,495 --> 00:19:48,175 Oh, that's years away. Trust me. 504 00:19:48,831 --> 00:19:51,731 Actually, we always run a blood test before anesthesia. 505 00:19:51,834 --> 00:19:52,999 You're pregnant. 506 00:19:58,736 --> 00:20:02,304 We can be here all night. 507 00:20:02,407 --> 00:20:03,606 I couldn't. 508 00:20:03,708 --> 00:20:05,741 I was late to watch the fight at Shorty's. 509 00:20:05,843 --> 00:20:08,077 By the time I got there, the Polish sausage 510 00:20:08,146 --> 00:20:10,913 was gonna be down to those puckered end pieces. 511 00:20:15,720 --> 00:20:17,520 Listen, I'll meet you halfway. 512 00:20:17,588 --> 00:20:18,821 When your mother's not looking, 513 00:20:18,923 --> 00:20:20,823 you eat a beet, I eat a beet. 514 00:20:20,925 --> 00:20:22,091 Deal? 515 00:20:24,195 --> 00:20:26,328 Mi amor, can I get some wine? 516 00:20:27,865 --> 00:20:29,598 That was Estefan's father. 517 00:20:29,700 --> 00:20:31,767 The Green Goblins are trying to recruit him. 518 00:20:31,869 --> 00:20:35,104 I need to stop by the ATM and then go to his house. 519 00:20:35,206 --> 00:20:38,681 When your daddy's not looking, let's split the beets, okay? 520 00:20:42,914 --> 00:20:45,481 Fine. I'm ready to eat these, 521 00:20:45,583 --> 00:20:46,816 but can we turn off the lights 522 00:20:46,918 --> 00:20:48,984 so I don't have to see how gross they are? 523 00:20:49,086 --> 00:20:50,486 - Makes sense. - Good idea. 524 00:20:53,739 --> 00:20:56,592 - Bravo, papi! - That's my guy! 525 00:20:59,867 --> 00:21:01,889 - synced and corrected by sot26 - www.addic7ed.com