1
00:00:03,990 --> 00:00:07,058
I don't remember buying these fresh peaches.

2
00:00:07,160 --> 00:00:08,326
Aah!

3
00:00:08,428 --> 00:00:09,828
Apologies, Serge.

4
00:00:09,896 --> 00:00:12,497
My wife, Claire, seems to have
forgotten that I'm holding office hours

5
00:00:12,532 --> 00:00:14,766
for my Intro to Real
Estate class here at home.

6
00:00:14,835 --> 00:00:17,869
So, when I walked to the laundry
room 10 minutes ago in my bra...

7
00:00:17,971 --> 00:00:18,903
That was kind of perfect, actually.

8
00:00:18,972 --> 00:00:20,071
I had just made a point

9
00:00:20,173 --> 00:00:23,641
about how buildings from the early
'70s were holding up surprisingly well.

10
00:00:23,744 --> 00:00:25,138
So maybe I'll... Yeah.

11
00:00:25,173 --> 00:00:25,910
- Yeah. Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.

12
00:00:26,012 --> 00:00:27,946
All right, see you in class, buddy.

13
00:00:28,343 --> 00:00:30,281
What a great kid.

14
00:00:30,317 --> 00:00:32,617
That's why I chucked it all
for a life in academia, Claire.

15
00:00:33,455 --> 00:00:34,686
It's a special feeling

16
00:00:34,788 --> 00:00:36,921
knowing that there's a young
man walking around out there

17
00:00:37,023 --> 00:00:39,624
who you helped mold,
who you can be proud of.

18
00:00:39,726 --> 00:00:41,559
- Hey, Dad.
- Hey. You know?

19
00:00:42,863 --> 00:00:44,195
You're up early.

20
00:00:44,297 --> 00:00:45,230
What are you talking about?

21
00:00:45,332 --> 00:00:46,831
I hugged you from behind earlier.

22
00:00:46,933 --> 00:00:49,567
You know, I said,
"I don't remember buying this six pack."

23
00:00:49,669 --> 00:00:51,970
Then you did that funny
Eastern European accent...

24
00:00:52,072 --> 00:00:53,004
"I don't want trouble.

25
00:00:53,106 --> 00:00:54,463
I just want to learn."

26
00:00:54,908 --> 00:00:57,842
Should we be concerned
about group-molesting Serge?

27
00:00:57,944 --> 00:00:59,711
And aren't you at the
minimum number of students

28
00:00:59,813 --> 00:01:01,479
- before they cancel your class?
- Not to worry.

29
00:01:01,581 --> 00:01:03,882
Serge worships me,
and the rest of the class is super solid.

30
00:01:03,984 --> 00:01:05,850
Plus, it's the last day
to drop classes anyway.

31
00:01:05,952 --> 00:01:08,386
Oh, speaking of that,
I'm thinking about dropping history.

32
00:01:08,488 --> 00:01:10,588
- How come?
- It's not really exciting me.

33
00:01:10,690 --> 00:01:12,490
Plus, we've got this huge paper due today

34
00:01:12,592 --> 00:01:14,192
that I haven't quite finished starting.

35
00:01:14,294 --> 00:01:16,227
It's on the Monroe Doctrine.

36
00:01:16,329 --> 00:01:18,329
The Monroe Doctrine?

37
00:01:18,431 --> 00:01:19,464
Oh, no.

38
00:01:19,566 --> 00:01:21,399
Junior year history class,

39
00:01:21,501 --> 00:01:23,168
I wrote the perfect paper.

40
00:01:23,270 --> 00:01:26,070
Strong thesis,
impeccable supporting arguments.

41
00:01:26,173 --> 00:01:28,773
I quoted from the letters
of a White House footman

42
00:01:28,875 --> 00:01:31,209
who recalled Monroe calling
to him from the bath,

43
00:01:31,311 --> 00:01:33,812
"Beauregard, fetch me my breeches.

44
00:01:33,914 --> 00:01:35,613
We have a doctrine!"

45
00:01:35,715 --> 00:01:37,182
I got a "C."

46
00:01:39,719 --> 00:01:42,353
Oh, so you agree with that grade, huh?

47
00:01:42,455 --> 00:01:43,655
Don't patronize me.

48
00:01:53,567 --> 00:01:56,668
- synced and corrected by sot26 -
www.addic7ed.com

49
00:01:58,552 --> 00:01:59,875
Mmm. The food at the club

50
00:01:59,974 --> 00:02:01,509
has gotten so much lighter and healthier.

51
00:02:01,575 --> 00:02:04,843
We had a run of angina attacks,
so we had to go heart-healthy.

52
00:02:04,945 --> 00:02:07,045
We said goodbye
to our social chairman, Herb,

53
00:02:07,147 --> 00:02:09,247
and our butter fountain in the same weekend.

54
00:02:09,349 --> 00:02:10,582
Oh, I'm sorry.

55
00:02:10,684 --> 00:02:11,616
Hey, Mr. Pritchett.

56
00:02:11,718 --> 00:02:12,617
I'll take this when you're ready.

57
00:02:12,719 --> 00:02:14,586
- Thank you, Maria.
- Oh, Maria,

58
00:02:14,688 --> 00:02:16,487
that's a beautiful name.
That's why it's often sung.

59
00:02:16,590 --> 00:02:17,722
But you're not going to...

60
00:02:17,824 --> 00:02:20,358
? Ave Maria ?

61
00:02:20,460 --> 00:02:22,560
And curtain. Okay,
they just started letting gays in here.

62
00:02:22,662 --> 00:02:23,561
Don't make them regret it.

63
00:02:23,663 --> 00:02:25,063
You might also wanna tell Sharona

64
00:02:25,165 --> 00:02:26,898
- to steer clear of the table.
- Yes.

65
00:02:27,000 --> 00:02:28,900
Yeah, well, I should probably save my energy

66
00:02:29,002 --> 00:02:30,602
for my performance tonight anyway.

67
00:02:30,704 --> 00:02:33,271
Oh, darn.
Gloria and I have tickets to, um...

68
00:02:33,373 --> 00:02:34,906
Um...

69
00:02:35,008 --> 00:02:36,808
Don't worry, Jay. It's... It's not for you.

70
00:02:36,910 --> 00:02:38,543
Oh, good. I didn't know
where I was going with that.

71
00:02:38,645 --> 00:02:41,212
Tonight is a fundraiser at Lily's school.

72
00:02:41,314 --> 00:02:43,181
We're, you know, raising money for the kids.

73
00:02:43,283 --> 00:02:45,216
A night of song and sketch.

74
00:02:45,318 --> 00:02:47,585
All the dads are performing. Well...

75
00:02:47,687 --> 00:02:48,586
most of the dads.

76
00:02:48,688 --> 00:02:49,587
Proud of you, son.

77
00:02:49,689 --> 00:02:51,089
Ah, it's not a complete victory.

78
00:02:51,191 --> 00:02:53,124
I still have to watch it, so...

79
00:02:53,226 --> 00:02:54,692
- Thanks for breakfast, Dad.
- Hey,

80
00:02:54,794 --> 00:02:56,561
I love spending time with you two!

81
00:02:56,663 --> 00:02:59,497
Every month I've gotta burn
off a minimum at the club,

82
00:02:59,599 --> 00:03:02,166
and literally,
everybody else I knew was busy.

83
00:03:02,269 --> 00:03:04,302
That's also why I give a
lot of birthday presents

84
00:03:04,404 --> 00:03:08,248
from the pro-shop. You know,
mugs and visors that say "Kiss My Putter,"

85
00:03:08,350 --> 00:03:09,674
"Talk Birdie To Me."

86
00:03:09,776 --> 00:03:13,019
Quality items. Everybody wins.

87
00:03:13,121 --> 00:03:16,089
So, if you're not rushed,
you should treat yourself to our spa.

88
00:03:16,191 --> 00:03:18,358
You know, get a couple of, uh...

89
00:03:18,460 --> 00:03:20,660
a couple of standard treatments.

90
00:03:20,762 --> 00:03:22,929
Oh, well, you're so generous.

91
00:03:23,031 --> 00:03:25,198
Might I say you look very handsome

92
00:03:25,300 --> 00:03:27,166
in that shirt we gave you for Christmas.

93
00:03:27,269 --> 00:03:30,003
They also make it
in "Queen's coral"... oh, no.

94
00:03:30,105 --> 00:03:32,005
- Did I spoil your birthday?
- Sounds like you might.

95
00:03:33,642 --> 00:03:34,563
Oh.

96
00:03:35,644 --> 00:03:37,176
- What's so funny?
- Oh, it's just that

97
00:03:37,279 --> 00:03:38,845
I've been e-mailing this mom at school.

98
00:03:38,947 --> 00:03:40,380
We both volunteer together.

99
00:03:40,482 --> 00:03:42,782
- You... You e-mail?
- It's harmless. Listen.

100
00:03:42,884 --> 00:03:45,952
"Hey, Jay, enjoyed laughing
around the planetarium with you.

101
00:03:46,054 --> 00:03:47,787
Your jokes were out of this world."

102
00:03:47,889 --> 00:03:50,056
Hm, okay. So, if it's so harmless,

103
00:03:50,158 --> 00:03:52,625
I'm sure Gloria knows about
this flirty quipstress.

104
00:03:52,727 --> 00:03:54,627
Don't make something out of this.

105
00:03:54,729 --> 00:03:55,862
Oh, my God. Oh!

106
00:03:55,964 --> 00:03:57,196
That's why he's wearing the shirt.

107
00:03:57,575 --> 00:03:59,732
Because it makes your blue eyes pop.

108
00:03:59,834 --> 00:04:02,268
I'm not letting you magpies dirty this up.

109
00:04:02,905 --> 00:04:04,370
Oh, uh...

110
00:04:04,472 --> 00:04:07,207
"Park by the swings
so I can help you carry stuff in."

111
00:04:07,375 --> 00:04:10,677
"Park by the swings
so I can help you carry stuff in."

112
00:04:10,745 --> 00:04:12,645
You're sullying this, and I'm leaving!

113
00:04:12,714 --> 00:04:14,614
- Okay, well, say "hi" to your girlfriend.
- She's not my girlfriend.

114
00:04:14,683 --> 00:04:15,882
The only reason we're paired together

115
00:04:15,950 --> 00:04:17,283
is because our kids are
in the same reading group.

116
00:04:17,385 --> 00:04:18,584
Oo-ooh!

117
00:04:18,687 --> 00:04:20,153
Damn it!

118
00:04:20,221 --> 00:04:21,312
I love when we "ooh."

119
00:04:21,381 --> 00:04:23,514
We used to do that all the time,
and then we stopped.

120
00:04:23,616 --> 00:04:25,224
- Why?
- I don't know.

121
00:04:27,460 --> 00:04:29,028
Joe!

122
00:04:29,130 --> 00:04:30,897
Why did I find your eye patch

123
00:04:30,965 --> 00:04:32,899
- in the garbage?
- I don't know.

124
00:04:32,967 --> 00:04:35,168
Were you throwing away
another parking ticket?

125
00:04:35,270 --> 00:04:36,636
Okay, you have to put it on.

126
00:04:36,705 --> 00:04:38,938
Why? My lazy eye is fixed.

127
00:04:39,007 --> 00:04:41,074
Okay, I'm over here,

128
00:04:41,176 --> 00:04:43,209
and it's only one more week.

129
00:04:43,311 --> 00:04:44,711
And you look tough,

130
00:04:44,779 --> 00:04:46,646
like a little warlord.

131
00:04:47,118 --> 00:04:48,348
Oh, that's Liam's mom.

132
00:04:48,416 --> 00:04:49,849
See you after school.

133
00:04:49,951 --> 00:04:51,851
Okay, papi, but promise me

134
00:04:51,953 --> 00:04:54,287
that you're going to wear the eye patch

135
00:04:54,356 --> 00:04:56,656
- the whole day.
- I will.

136
00:04:59,494 --> 00:05:01,494
I can't believe you don't trust me.

137
00:05:01,563 --> 00:05:02,762
Two days ago,

138
00:05:02,864 --> 00:05:06,699
I caught you trying to copy
a $20 bill in the printer.

139
00:05:06,801 --> 00:05:09,235
Dad says I get to pick what we watch on TV

140
00:05:09,304 --> 00:05:11,070
when I start making my own money.

141
00:05:11,172 --> 00:05:13,239
Go to school.

142
00:05:13,836 --> 00:05:16,209
If you guys are ready,
me and Julio will get started.

143
00:05:16,277 --> 00:05:18,344
Oh, by any chance,
did you guys meet down by the schoolyard?

144
00:05:18,413 --> 00:05:20,747
- ? Me... ?
- No... No. Okay.

145
00:05:22,083 --> 00:05:23,249
Ohh.

146
00:05:23,318 --> 00:05:24,917
Oh, that's the spot.

147
00:05:24,986 --> 00:05:27,120
Ohhh, yeah.

148
00:05:27,188 --> 00:05:29,889
Oo-o-ooh!

149
00:05:29,958 --> 00:05:34,227
Now I'm remembering why we haven't had
a couples massage since our honeymoon.

150
00:05:34,329 --> 00:05:35,762
Aruba.

151
00:05:35,864 --> 00:05:37,130
That's not where we went.

152
00:05:37,232 --> 00:05:38,965
That's the noise he made.

153
00:05:39,033 --> 00:05:41,567
Arrruuuubaaaa.

154
00:05:41,636 --> 00:05:42,969
Cam, could you just...

155
00:05:43,071 --> 00:05:45,430
just... shh.

156
00:05:45,498 --> 00:05:46,931
- I'm sorry.
- Thank you.

157
00:05:48,242 --> 00:05:50,134
Ohh, yeah.

158
00:05:50,236 --> 00:05:51,269
Oh, yeah.

159
00:05:51,371 --> 00:05:52,703
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

160
00:05:52,772 --> 00:05:53,938
Okay, you know what? I'm gonna call it.

161
00:05:54,040 --> 00:05:55,339
- Mm?
- Mm-hmm. Nope.

162
00:05:55,442 --> 00:05:57,041
What happened? Was he forward?

163
00:05:57,143 --> 00:05:59,477
No, I just can't relax with
you making these noises.

164
00:05:59,579 --> 00:06:01,521
Well, I can't relax
without making the noises.

165
00:06:01,623 --> 00:06:03,514
Which is why I'm leaving. Thank you, Julio,

166
00:06:03,616 --> 00:06:05,116
and I'm sorry. I-I didn't catch your name.

167
00:06:05,218 --> 00:06:06,284
It's Aweema-weh.

168
00:06:06,386 --> 00:06:07,919
Good luck to you both. Okay.

169
00:06:11,388 --> 00:06:13,121
Oh, Luke! Honey, hi.

170
00:06:13,190 --> 00:06:14,722
Hey, Mom. Everything all right?

171
00:06:14,791 --> 00:06:16,558
Of course. I just felt like making a stop

172
00:06:16,660 --> 00:06:19,427
by the hallowed halls of community college.

173
00:06:19,529 --> 00:06:20,929
What's with the police tape?

174
00:06:21,031 --> 00:06:22,630
Oh, some frat guys decided

175
00:06:22,699 --> 00:06:24,432
to drive the dean's office to Burning Man.

176
00:06:24,534 --> 00:06:26,634
Okay. Well, anyhoo,

177
00:06:26,703 --> 00:06:27,827
since we're here,

178
00:06:27,896 --> 00:06:29,362
before you drop that history class,

179
00:06:29,431 --> 00:06:32,098
could you possibly turn
in an old paper of mine?

180
00:06:32,167 --> 00:06:34,033
I would love to get a second opinion on it.

181
00:06:34,135 --> 00:06:35,134
Sure,

182
00:06:35,203 --> 00:06:36,936
but you know you just did something weird

183
00:06:37,005 --> 00:06:38,872
and I didn't ask a single
follow-up question?

184
00:06:38,940 --> 00:06:39,839
Yeah.

185
00:06:39,908 --> 00:06:41,082
You owe me one of those.

186
00:06:42,085 --> 00:06:43,952
How'd you even get an old
paper on a thumb drive?

187
00:06:44,020 --> 00:06:45,687
It was easy.

188
00:06:45,789 --> 00:06:47,155
Ish.

189
00:06:47,224 --> 00:06:50,058
The old paper was on an old format,

190
00:06:50,160 --> 00:06:51,259
but it was a simple matter

191
00:06:51,328 --> 00:06:53,261
of stringing a couple
of old machines together

192
00:06:53,363 --> 00:06:54,762
to get what I needed.

193
00:06:54,864 --> 00:06:55,830
All right.

194
00:06:55,899 --> 00:06:59,634
Yes, I have been accused of having a
little problem with perfectionism...

195
00:06:59,736 --> 00:07:01,102
? It's working ?

196
00:07:01,171 --> 00:07:04,239
...but I also have a little
problem with injustice,

197
00:07:04,307 --> 00:07:07,508
much as a certain U.S.
President had a little problem

198
00:07:07,577 --> 00:07:09,344
- with European Imperialism.
- Yes!

199
00:07:09,412 --> 00:07:11,512
Of course when a man does it,
it becomes a doctrine.

200
00:07:11,581 --> 00:07:12,914
And when a woman does it,

201
00:07:13,016 --> 00:07:14,549
she's hysterical.

202
00:07:15,021 --> 00:07:17,585
I hope you guys like counting 'crows.

203
00:07:17,654 --> 00:07:19,187
Es-crows, that is.

204
00:07:20,590 --> 00:07:22,457
It had become a familiar sound...

205
00:07:22,525 --> 00:07:26,119
my 18 devoted students laughing as one.

206
00:07:26,187 --> 00:07:27,996
Only something was different this time.

207
00:07:28,098 --> 00:07:30,223
It sounded like 17.

208
00:07:30,292 --> 00:07:34,102
Could it be that I had
a wobbler in my midst?

209
00:07:34,204 --> 00:07:37,739
Sure enough, Paige Stevens was
going through the course catalog.

210
00:07:37,807 --> 00:07:40,475
If I lost her,
I'd be below my minimum and lose the class.

211
00:07:40,577 --> 00:07:42,201
For the sake of those 17 dreamers,

212
00:07:42,270 --> 00:07:45,747
I had no choice but to
unleash the Dunphy charm.

213
00:07:45,815 --> 00:07:47,915
- Paige Stevens.
- Present.

214
00:07:48,018 --> 00:07:50,018
Oh, we already did that part,
and you nailed it.

215
00:07:50,086 --> 00:07:52,420
I read your essay last night.

216
00:07:52,480 --> 00:07:54,489
Whom did you study privately with?

217
00:07:54,591 --> 00:07:56,991
- I'm sorry?
- Come, now, Paige.

218
00:07:57,093 --> 00:07:59,127
Your insight, your grasp of the vernacular.

219
00:07:59,229 --> 00:08:00,328
W-Was it Freemont?

220
00:08:00,397 --> 00:08:01,896
Or perhaps one of the Europeans?

221
00:08:01,965 --> 00:08:03,097
Scharfenbrugen?

222
00:08:03,158 --> 00:08:04,832
- No.
- Oh, of course not.

223
00:08:04,901 --> 00:08:07,502
He lives as a recluse.
He hasn't taken students in years.

224
00:08:08,295 --> 00:08:10,872
I'm simply saying
that your raw instincts

225
00:08:10,974 --> 00:08:12,440
may be the best thing
to happen to real estate

226
00:08:12,509 --> 00:08:15,677
since the allowing of
split commissions in 1994.

227
00:08:15,779 --> 00:08:16,811
Didn't you tell us it was...

228
00:08:16,913 --> 00:08:18,680
Can we for one moment

229
00:08:18,782 --> 00:08:21,282
have a break from the Serge show?!

230
00:08:23,787 --> 00:08:26,587
Just promise me that in a few short years

231
00:08:26,656 --> 00:08:29,324
when you become the next Fred Dunham,

232
00:08:29,426 --> 00:08:30,425
that you'll come visit us?

233
00:08:30,851 --> 00:08:31,893
Do you really think...

234
00:08:31,995 --> 00:08:33,027
I don't think.

235
00:08:33,129 --> 00:08:34,462
I know.

236
00:08:35,999 --> 00:08:37,932
From there, it was a bit of flattery,

237
00:08:38,001 --> 00:08:39,634
a dash of encouragement,

238
00:08:39,703 --> 00:08:42,370
and Paige was turned.

239
00:08:42,472 --> 00:08:46,007
So, if I could paraphrase what
our star pupil just pointed out,

240
00:08:46,076 --> 00:08:47,608
sometimes it's just a matter

241
00:08:47,677 --> 00:08:50,778
of finding the "dupe" in "duplex."

242
00:08:51,327 --> 00:08:52,780
And there it was again,

243
00:08:52,849 --> 00:08:54,349
that sweet music...

244
00:08:54,451 --> 00:08:56,818
18 people laughing.

245
00:08:56,886 --> 00:08:58,720
I'll see you all next week.

246
00:08:58,788 --> 00:09:00,054
Definitely.

247
00:09:00,123 --> 00:09:02,290
Oh, and I am holding
office hours at my house,

248
00:09:02,392 --> 00:09:03,991
so feel free to come by any time.

249
00:09:04,094 --> 00:09:05,927
Oh, cool.

250
00:09:06,029 --> 00:09:07,061
Oh, you...

251
00:09:07,163 --> 00:09:08,329
Uh, Paige.

252
00:09:10,567 --> 00:09:13,267
"Mrs. Paige Dunphy"?

253
00:09:13,370 --> 00:09:14,268
Curses.

254
00:09:14,337 --> 00:09:17,271
I'd over-wooed my wobbler.

255
00:09:19,309 --> 00:09:20,341
Oh, hey.

256
00:09:20,443 --> 00:09:21,743
Are we still on for dinner tonight?

257
00:09:21,845 --> 00:09:23,010
Yeah, I can probably get us in

258
00:09:23,079 --> 00:09:24,912
to the late seating at my
grandpa's country club.

259
00:09:24,981 --> 00:09:26,514
Can you hold off 'til 6:30?

260
00:09:26,583 --> 00:09:27,882
Actually, I thought

261
00:09:27,984 --> 00:09:29,784
maybe I could come over and cook for you.

262
00:09:29,886 --> 00:09:30,885
Awesome.

263
00:09:32,522 --> 00:09:34,589
Hey, there's my favorite class dad!

264
00:09:34,691 --> 00:09:35,556
- Oh, hey.
- Hey.

265
00:09:35,658 --> 00:09:36,858
Tie my apron, will you?

266
00:09:36,960 --> 00:09:38,192
My pleasure.

267
00:09:38,261 --> 00:09:40,328
Uh, not my... not my pleasure, of course.

268
00:09:40,430 --> 00:09:41,763
That sounds weird,

269
00:09:41,865 --> 00:09:43,064
and I'm not a weird man.

270
00:09:43,133 --> 00:09:44,766
Mitch and Cam got in my head.

271
00:09:44,834 --> 00:09:48,369
I'd had a perfectly innocent
relationship with the fun mom,

272
00:09:48,471 --> 00:09:50,204
but then they got me feeling all guilty.

273
00:09:50,273 --> 00:09:52,407
Suddenly I couldn't mention
one thing in that school

274
00:09:52,509 --> 00:09:54,367
without it sounding like a double entendre.

275
00:09:54,469 --> 00:09:55,843
Nap time?

276
00:09:55,945 --> 00:09:58,312
Fun zone?

277
00:09:58,381 --> 00:09:59,839
Juice box...

278
00:10:00,416 --> 00:10:01,874
I got some nice tomatoes.

279
00:10:04,345 --> 00:10:06,679
Oh, yep.

280
00:10:06,781 --> 00:10:08,147
- Did you spill something?
- Huh? No.

281
00:10:08,249 --> 00:10:09,916
I'm just working hard on this pizza.

282
00:10:09,984 --> 00:10:12,418
Guess I ought to take this off.

283
00:10:13,104 --> 00:10:14,420
Boy, feels naked without it.

284
00:10:14,522 --> 00:10:15,988
You ever feel that way? Naked?

285
00:10:18,660 --> 00:10:22,128
I really wanted to trust that
Joe was wearing his eye patch,

286
00:10:22,230 --> 00:10:24,363
but after finding it in the garbage,

287
00:10:24,432 --> 00:10:25,865
I had to make sure.

288
00:10:25,934 --> 00:10:28,968
I didn't want him to mess up his vision.

289
00:10:29,037 --> 00:10:31,637
I think it's a big problem in this country.

290
00:10:31,739 --> 00:10:35,108
Everywhere I look,
there are men with googily eyes.

291
00:10:35,210 --> 00:10:38,411
Let's take a selfie for the
school newsletter, so...

292
00:10:38,513 --> 00:10:40,746
Flash those baby blues.

293
00:10:47,388 --> 00:10:48,588
Did you preheat my oven?

294
00:10:48,690 --> 00:10:49,922
Not on purpose.

295
00:10:53,128 --> 00:10:55,428
Well, that was quite
a little snitfit back there.

296
00:10:55,530 --> 00:10:57,163
Were you trying to embarrass me, or...?

297
00:10:57,265 --> 00:10:58,439
Mm, is that even possible?

298
00:10:58,533 --> 00:10:59,640
The singing in the restaurants,

299
00:10:59,709 --> 00:11:01,676
your Herbal Essence
audition during the massage?

300
00:11:01,744 --> 00:11:03,744
You know, you're the one
who should be embarrassed.

301
00:11:03,813 --> 00:11:05,746
I am. Isn't that what we're fighting about?

302
00:11:06,683 --> 00:11:09,550
Look at you. You can't even put on your
boxer-briefs in a men's locker room

303
00:11:09,652 --> 00:11:11,085
without your little terrycloth shame skirt.

304
00:11:11,154 --> 00:11:12,820
It's called modesty, Cam.

305
00:11:12,922 --> 00:11:14,222
Can you please just keep your voice down?

306
00:11:14,290 --> 00:11:17,024
Yeah, yeah. You know what?
Well, it's all part of the same thing.

307
00:11:17,126 --> 00:11:18,993
You know, I'm not embarrassing.

308
00:11:19,095 --> 00:11:20,795
You're the one that's just
embarrassed by everything.

309
00:11:20,897 --> 00:11:22,029
That is crazy...

310
00:11:22,131 --> 00:11:23,164
Ow.

311
00:11:24,133 --> 00:11:25,867
- This seems worth it.
- I'm fine.

312
00:11:25,969 --> 00:11:28,035
No, you're not,
and it's affecting all of us.

313
00:11:28,137 --> 00:11:30,004
You're constantly shushing Lily and me,

314
00:11:30,106 --> 00:11:32,273
scolding us just for living out loud.

315
00:11:32,375 --> 00:11:34,008
Can we please have this conversation later?

316
00:11:34,110 --> 00:11:36,844
No, we can't, because I'll be busy
performing in Fathers' Follies...

317
00:11:36,946 --> 00:11:38,813
something else you're
too self-conscious to do.

318
00:11:38,915 --> 00:11:41,082
You're missing out on life, Mitchell.

319
00:11:41,184 --> 00:11:43,184
You need to take off your shackles.

320
00:11:44,420 --> 00:11:45,887
Let people see

321
00:11:45,989 --> 00:11:47,288
who you are.

322
00:11:53,444 --> 00:11:57,398
I've had enough...
the wandering eye, the lies.

323
00:11:57,466 --> 00:12:00,501
Why was I so nervous?
I had done nothing wrong.

324
00:12:00,569 --> 00:12:03,404
Sure, I engaged
in some friendly e-mail banter.

325
00:12:03,472 --> 00:12:06,573
I guess I realized blue
shirts make my eyes sparkle.

326
00:12:06,642 --> 00:12:08,275
Might have done a few
push-ups in the parking lot

327
00:12:08,344 --> 00:12:10,978
before the pizza party,
but that's for everybody.

328
00:12:11,047 --> 00:12:12,946
He's trying to make a fool of me.

329
00:12:13,883 --> 00:12:14,782
Sonia, I have to go.

330
00:12:17,019 --> 00:12:18,752
Where have you been all day?

331
00:12:18,821 --> 00:12:20,487
I see what you're implying. Fine.

332
00:12:20,556 --> 00:12:22,823
Her name is Laura, she means nothing to me,

333
00:12:22,892 --> 00:12:24,892
and the only reason my wedding ring is off

334
00:12:24,960 --> 00:12:27,561
is 'cause I was afraid I
would lose it in her dough.

335
00:12:27,663 --> 00:12:28,796
I'm sorry.

336
00:12:28,864 --> 00:12:30,397
What the hell are you talking about?

337
00:12:30,466 --> 00:12:32,533
Couple of e-mails. Harmless stuff.

338
00:12:33,903 --> 00:12:37,471
"Park by the swings so I can
help you carry stuff in."

339
00:12:37,573 --> 00:12:38,706
These are what you're worrying about?

340
00:12:38,774 --> 00:12:39,673
There's nothing there.

341
00:12:39,775 --> 00:12:42,342
Yeah, Mitch and Cam were implying
there was something weird going on.

342
00:12:42,411 --> 00:12:43,410
That's crazy.

343
00:12:43,512 --> 00:12:44,812
She's, like, 35 and gorgeous.

344
00:12:44,914 --> 00:12:46,313
Exactly.

345
00:12:47,283 --> 00:12:49,049
Although, I don't think you read that e-mail

346
00:12:49,118 --> 00:12:50,250
the only way it could have been read.

347
00:12:50,319 --> 00:12:51,552
I mean, it could've gone,

348
00:12:51,620 --> 00:12:52,653
"Park by the swings

349
00:12:52,722 --> 00:12:54,054
so I can help you

350
00:12:54,156 --> 00:12:56,390
carry stuff in."

351
00:12:56,459 --> 00:12:58,692
Sounds like she knows about your bad back.

352
00:12:58,761 --> 00:13:01,662
Jay, there's no harm in a little flirting,

353
00:13:01,764 --> 00:13:03,564
- especially you.
- What is that supposed to mean?

354
00:13:03,632 --> 00:13:06,834
You're a good man.
You have, like, a built-in alarm system.

355
00:13:06,902 --> 00:13:08,702
It keeps you in the right path.

356
00:13:08,804 --> 00:13:10,270
Then why did you shoot
me that look at school?

357
00:13:10,372 --> 00:13:11,905
It was meant for Joe.

358
00:13:12,007 --> 00:13:15,375
I worry that he doesn't
have your strong conscience.

359
00:13:15,478 --> 00:13:17,544
I worry that he has my family genes

360
00:13:17,646 --> 00:13:20,180
where we can lie and lie and lie and lie

361
00:13:20,249 --> 00:13:22,416
without feeling one ounce of guilt.

362
00:13:22,485 --> 00:13:24,184
Y-You don't lie to me, though, do you?

363
00:13:24,253 --> 00:13:25,586
Never.

364
00:13:29,091 --> 00:13:31,225
Here he is now. I'll bet he comes in here

365
00:13:31,327 --> 00:13:32,993
and apologizes for lying.

366
00:13:33,160 --> 00:13:35,162
Yeah, if he's like one from your family.

367
00:13:35,231 --> 00:13:37,631
But if he walks in here all easy-breezy

368
00:13:37,700 --> 00:13:40,067
pretending that he didn't do anything wrong,

369
00:13:40,169 --> 00:13:42,302
he's 100% Ramirez,

370
00:13:42,404 --> 00:13:44,004
or whatever our real name is.

371
00:13:46,142 --> 00:13:47,708
Hey, buddy.

372
00:13:47,777 --> 00:13:49,643
I'm sorry, okay?!

373
00:13:49,712 --> 00:13:51,645
I lied about wearing my eye patch,

374
00:13:51,714 --> 00:13:53,480
and that's only the beginning!

375
00:13:53,549 --> 00:13:55,482
I lied about how my bike broke.

376
00:13:55,551 --> 00:13:57,084
I never walk Stella.

377
00:13:57,153 --> 00:13:58,786
I tie her to the treadmill.

378
00:13:58,854 --> 00:14:00,621
The last three teeth I put under my pillow

379
00:14:00,723 --> 00:14:01,722
were Tic-Tacs.

380
00:14:01,824 --> 00:14:03,423
I'm a terrible boy.

381
00:14:03,492 --> 00:14:04,658
Oh, good.

382
00:14:04,727 --> 00:14:06,293
He's weak like you.

383
00:14:08,381 --> 00:14:10,264
Thank you, Tiffany's dad!

384
00:14:10,332 --> 00:14:12,633
And now, please put your hands together

385
00:14:12,735 --> 00:14:15,569
for Lily, Harper, Zack,
and Danielle's dads...

386
00:14:15,671 --> 00:14:17,437
The Bees Knees!

387
00:14:22,077 --> 00:14:24,077
Go, Dad! Woot, woot!

388
00:14:24,180 --> 00:14:26,313
I was the only dad in the audience.

389
00:14:26,382 --> 00:14:28,782
It was just me and a bunch
of women and children.

390
00:14:28,851 --> 00:14:30,984
I felt like a coward on a life boat.

391
00:14:31,053 --> 00:14:33,187
I mean, Cam was right...
I-I was missing out.

392
00:14:33,255 --> 00:14:35,556
Hey, Bob. A quick favor to ask.

393
00:14:35,624 --> 00:14:37,090
If you don't think Harper would mind,

394
00:14:37,159 --> 00:14:39,059
do you think maybe I could
wear the bee costume?

395
00:14:39,128 --> 00:14:41,061
Take it. I'm in the show later anyways,

396
00:14:41,130 --> 00:14:43,230
- playing bass with the Grateful Dads.
- Oh.

397
00:14:43,332 --> 00:14:44,498
Then good, yeah.

398
00:14:51,607 --> 00:14:53,674
Oh, my God. I'm so proud of you!

399
00:15:01,350 --> 00:15:03,150
Thank you. Thank you!

400
00:15:03,219 --> 00:15:07,321
And now we'd like to take a moment
to remember our beloved lunch lady,

401
00:15:07,389 --> 00:15:08,622
Mrs. Penny Miller.

402
00:15:12,127 --> 00:15:13,393
Oh, my gosh.

403
00:15:13,462 --> 00:15:14,828
I can't believe you did that!

404
00:15:14,930 --> 00:15:17,664
- That was amazing!
- Oh, stop it.

405
00:15:17,766 --> 00:15:18,832
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

406
00:15:18,934 --> 00:15:21,101
Whoa! No!

407
00:15:22,571 --> 00:15:25,572
Oh, God.

408
00:15:25,674 --> 00:15:27,507
Did we learn nothing from the gloves?!

409
00:15:29,278 --> 00:15:31,478
Sorry. No.

410
00:15:31,547 --> 00:15:32,512
Sorry, sorry, sorry. I got it. I got it.

411
00:15:32,615 --> 00:15:34,348
I got it. I got it. I got it.

412
00:15:35,918 --> 00:15:37,084
For starters,

413
00:15:37,152 --> 00:15:38,785
my grandmother's ravioli.

414
00:15:38,854 --> 00:15:40,020
It looks amazing.

415
00:15:40,089 --> 00:15:41,889
I've been saving some
occasion wine in my room.

416
00:15:41,957 --> 00:15:43,790
The grape character on the box is saying
"Mamma Mia!"

417
00:15:43,893 --> 00:15:45,525
so it should go well with Italian.

418
00:15:52,334 --> 00:15:53,634
Hello, Professor.

419
00:15:54,703 --> 00:15:56,136
I, uh...

420
00:15:56,238 --> 00:15:58,906
I see you took me up on that
open-door policy I mentioned.

421
00:15:58,974 --> 00:16:01,775
Oh, I'm not here for office hours.

422
00:16:01,877 --> 00:16:04,177
- This is a date.
- Of course.

423
00:16:04,246 --> 00:16:06,046
I've heard things like this
happened to Paul McCartney

424
00:16:06,148 --> 00:16:07,214
at the height of his Beatles fame.

425
00:16:07,316 --> 00:16:09,583
It was a classic fatal-attraction situation.

426
00:16:09,652 --> 00:16:10,684
I had to do two things.

427
00:16:10,786 --> 00:16:12,286
One... get through the next 10 minutes

428
00:16:12,354 --> 00:16:14,154
'til the deadline to
drop my class had passed

429
00:16:14,223 --> 00:16:16,123
by distracting her with light banter

430
00:16:16,225 --> 00:16:18,725
and enjoying her Tuscan cooking, and, two...

431
00:16:18,794 --> 00:16:21,762
check to see if she had
beaten and restrained Claire.

432
00:16:21,830 --> 00:16:25,265
I'm not coming on too strongly,
am I, with this dress?

433
00:16:25,367 --> 00:16:27,034
Oh. No.

434
00:16:27,970 --> 00:16:29,036
Lovely.

435
00:16:29,104 --> 00:16:31,438
I'm really nervous about my cooking.

436
00:16:31,507 --> 00:16:34,574
If a guy doesn't eat every
bite of my grandma's ravioli,

437
00:16:34,643 --> 00:16:35,943
I go nuts.

438
00:16:36,011 --> 00:16:38,845
Well, we certainly...

439
00:16:38,914 --> 00:16:42,147
don't want that to happen, do we?

440
00:16:42,318 --> 00:16:43,650
Now, uh...

441
00:16:43,752 --> 00:16:45,218
where are you from?

442
00:16:45,321 --> 00:16:46,453
Originally.

443
00:16:46,555 --> 00:16:47,754
I would say Italy,

444
00:16:47,823 --> 00:16:49,122
but there's no accent,

445
00:16:49,191 --> 00:16:50,891
so, obviously, that's not the case.

446
00:16:51,927 --> 00:16:52,960
Oh, Luke, Luke.

447
00:16:53,028 --> 00:16:55,195
Luke, any word on my Monroe Doctrine paper?

448
00:16:55,264 --> 00:16:57,998
Oh, actually,
I decided not to drop that class,

449
00:16:58,067 --> 00:16:59,599
- so it didn't feel right turning it in.
- Huh.

450
00:16:59,668 --> 00:17:00,734
But something funny did happen.

451
00:17:00,803 --> 00:17:02,069
I had your paper open on my computer.

452
00:17:02,137 --> 00:17:03,637
Paige saw it and thought it was mine.

453
00:17:03,706 --> 00:17:05,138
She made some really good changes.

454
00:17:05,207 --> 00:17:06,740
- Changes?
- Yeah, well,

455
00:17:06,809 --> 00:17:08,241
she cut to the chase in a few places,

456
00:17:08,344 --> 00:17:09,476
cleaned up the ending.

457
00:17:09,545 --> 00:17:10,811
She's a history major, you know.

458
00:17:10,913 --> 00:17:12,879
- Get it.
- Mom, I'm...

459
00:17:12,982 --> 00:17:14,281
kind of in the middle of a dinner date.

460
00:17:14,383 --> 00:17:15,649
Are you? By now you might be

461
00:17:15,718 --> 00:17:17,050
in the middle of a movie or a board game.

462
00:17:17,119 --> 00:17:18,719
We all know how obsessed
she is with changing things.

463
00:17:18,821 --> 00:17:20,020
Go get the paper, Luke.

464
00:17:22,411 --> 00:17:23,991
Oh, good, you're okay.

465
00:17:24,093 --> 00:17:25,525
I'm not that okay.

466
00:17:25,594 --> 00:17:27,527
I'm not a fan of this Paige.

467
00:17:27,596 --> 00:17:29,162
- She's got some nerve.
- So you're aware.

468
00:17:29,231 --> 00:17:30,931
Oh, I'm aware.
I'm aware that she has no problem

469
00:17:31,000 --> 00:17:33,600
putting her grubby, little paws all over
something that doesn't belong to her.

470
00:17:33,669 --> 00:17:35,669
- I can see you're upset.
- I am.

471
00:17:35,738 --> 00:17:39,773
I'm upset because I basically took
the most boring thing in history

472
00:17:39,842 --> 00:17:41,475
and made it interesting.

473
00:17:41,543 --> 00:17:43,477
She thinks she can just come
in here and just make it hers.

474
00:17:43,579 --> 00:17:44,845
- No.
- Feels a little hurtful,

475
00:17:44,913 --> 00:17:47,214
but she is my student,
and I have a lot at stake here,

476
00:17:47,282 --> 00:17:49,397
so can I please just handle this myself?

477
00:17:51,954 --> 00:17:54,221
You didn't miss much with the ravioli.

478
00:17:54,289 --> 00:17:56,390
The showstopper is my branzino.

479
00:17:56,492 --> 00:17:57,524
It smells great.

480
00:17:57,593 --> 00:17:58,725
We don't get to have fish around here.

481
00:17:58,827 --> 00:17:59,793
My dad hates it.

482
00:17:59,862 --> 00:18:01,395
Well, this one's a family recipe,

483
00:18:01,497 --> 00:18:02,629
so if you don't like it,

484
00:18:02,698 --> 00:18:05,032
I'll pretty much have to drop you.

485
00:18:05,100 --> 00:18:06,800
Well...

486
00:18:06,902 --> 00:18:08,068
let's not have

487
00:18:08,170 --> 00:18:09,603
any of that

488
00:18:09,705 --> 00:18:11,405
crazy... talk.

489
00:18:11,507 --> 00:18:13,173
Two minutes to deadline.

490
00:18:13,242 --> 00:18:15,275
I couldn't let her drop my class!

491
00:18:17,312 --> 00:18:18,499
Now

492
00:18:18,881 --> 00:18:19,967
...back...

493
00:18:22,017 --> 00:18:23,383
...to where you're from.

494
00:18:23,485 --> 00:18:24,818
Encino.

495
00:18:24,920 --> 00:18:25,927
Oh.

496
00:18:26,940 --> 00:18:27,888
Damn it.

497
00:18:27,956 --> 00:18:29,423
Mom, don't be mad at her. She was just...

498
00:18:29,525 --> 00:18:30,924
No, she made it better.

499
00:18:30,993 --> 00:18:32,793
What was I thinking with this sentence?

500
00:18:32,861 --> 00:18:35,429
"The esteemed barrister's
argument was as layered

501
00:18:35,497 --> 00:18:37,964
as the cuffs on his after-dinner breeches"?

502
00:18:38,033 --> 00:18:40,167
That is the third time I mentioned breeches.

503
00:18:40,269 --> 00:18:41,301
What was I going through?

504
00:18:41,403 --> 00:18:43,670
- Can I go now?
- Yeah.

505
00:18:43,772 --> 00:18:45,372
Oh, wait, honey.

506
00:18:45,474 --> 00:18:47,340
I like this girl for you.

507
00:18:47,409 --> 00:18:49,342
She deserves better than boxed wine.

508
00:18:49,411 --> 00:18:51,078
Haley keeps a nice bottle under her bed.

509
00:18:54,382 --> 00:18:56,650
You really seemed to like that.

510
00:18:56,718 --> 00:18:59,019
- Oh, yeah.
- I could make another one,

511
00:18:59,121 --> 00:19:00,420
but it would take a while.

512
00:19:00,489 --> 00:19:01,888
Let's see. It's 7:00 now...

513
00:19:01,990 --> 00:19:04,057
Oh, thank God.

514
00:19:04,159 --> 00:19:06,359
Paige, we have to talk.

515
00:19:06,428 --> 00:19:08,762
I-I may have sent some
signals I didn't mean to send.

516
00:19:08,864 --> 00:19:10,497
Nonetheless, some of your behavior

517
00:19:10,566 --> 00:19:12,699
has been a little inappropriate, frankly,

518
00:19:12,768 --> 00:19:14,501
kind of disrespectful to my wife.

519
00:19:14,603 --> 00:19:15,969
Oh, wait, hang on. Hang on.

520
00:19:16,071 --> 00:19:17,270
I changed my mind about that.

521
00:19:17,372 --> 00:19:19,172
I am not mad at you.

522
00:19:19,274 --> 00:19:20,841
All you did was take an
interest in something

523
00:19:20,909 --> 00:19:23,343
that I should have dropped 25 years ago.

524
00:19:23,445 --> 00:19:25,512
- Um, Claire.
- And can I say something else?

525
00:19:25,581 --> 00:19:27,447
I'm all in favor of this relationship.

526
00:19:27,549 --> 00:19:29,216
- Claire?
- I don't want to jinx it,

527
00:19:29,318 --> 00:19:32,853
but I think you could be
exactly what he needs.

528
00:19:32,955 --> 00:19:35,522
I know, he may look like a man,

529
00:19:35,591 --> 00:19:37,757
but, honestly, in a lot of ways,
he's still just a little boy.

530
00:19:37,860 --> 00:19:40,460
Complete mess in the bedroom.

531
00:19:40,562 --> 00:19:42,596
Although, here's a tip for you.

532
00:19:42,698 --> 00:19:45,665
He actually does respond well
if you stay on top of him.

533
00:19:45,734 --> 00:19:48,034
- So, you're okay with...
- Absolutely.

534
00:19:48,103 --> 00:19:50,270
As a certain U.S. president once said,

535
00:19:50,372 --> 00:19:52,739
"Let the era of good feelings commence."

536
00:19:52,841 --> 00:19:55,175
Oh, my God! This is the best day ever!

537
00:19:55,277 --> 00:19:56,376
Oh!

538
00:19:56,478 --> 00:19:57,878
Huh.

539
00:19:57,980 --> 00:19:59,212
Huh.

540
00:19:59,314 --> 00:20:01,915
So, it turns out Paige was
only making dinner for me

541
00:20:02,017 --> 00:20:03,683
so she could get close to my dad.

542
00:20:03,785 --> 00:20:05,285
I am sorry, buddy, but I did warn everyone

543
00:20:05,387 --> 00:20:06,419
about the Dunphy charm.

544
00:20:06,522 --> 00:20:07,954
It's also a little interesting

545
00:20:08,056 --> 00:20:10,056
that Paige's Realtor
dad abandoned the family

546
00:20:10,159 --> 00:20:11,992
- when she was 12.
- Seems irrelevant.

547
00:20:12,094 --> 00:20:13,460
He also dabbled in magic.

548
00:20:13,562 --> 00:20:15,795
Now we're just having two
separate conversations.

549
00:20:15,898 --> 00:20:17,864
Did you know her last
three boyfriends were 50?

550
00:20:17,966 --> 00:20:19,366
Maybe spend a little
less time with your nose

551
00:20:19,468 --> 00:20:21,835
in that psych book and a
little more time being sexy.

552
00:20:23,966 --> 00:20:26,986
Ah, ah, ah. You'll get this
back when your homework is done.

553
00:20:26,992 --> 00:20:29,225
Joe, what is this?

554
00:20:29,327 --> 00:20:30,860
Just some notes from my friend Hannah.

555
00:20:30,962 --> 00:20:32,962
Friend? This doesn't sound to me like that.

556
00:20:33,064 --> 00:20:34,230
This is very flirty.

557
00:20:34,332 --> 00:20:35,898
Let me see that.

558
00:20:36,000 --> 00:20:38,467
"Dear, Joe,
want to share half my Fruit Roll-Up?"

559
00:20:38,569 --> 00:20:40,036
Well, this is just kids being kids.

560
00:20:40,138 --> 00:20:41,637
Ay, don't be a fool.

561
00:20:41,739 --> 00:20:44,974
"Dear Joe,
wanna share half my Fruit Roll-Up?"

562
00:20:45,076 --> 00:20:46,342
That's a different spin on it.

563
00:20:46,444 --> 00:20:47,510
Where's that voice been?

564
00:20:47,612 --> 00:20:48,544
Try this one.

565
00:20:48,646 --> 00:20:51,314
"It was so fun running at recess."

566
00:20:52,884 --> 00:20:55,484
"Randy's rash is really gross."

567
00:20:55,586 --> 00:20:56,752
Maybe we should go upstairs.

568
00:20:56,854 --> 00:20:58,287
Watch your movie, Joe.

569
00:21:02,809 --> 00:21:04,885
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