1
00:00:06,560 --> 00:00:09,350
It seems to me you'd be mad
to walk away from everything

2
00:00:09,400 --> 00:00:11,270
you and Suzanne have built together.

3
00:00:11,320 --> 00:00:14,350
You're right, our relationship
deserves another try.

4
00:00:14,400 --> 00:00:17,230
I'm so happy you took my
taxi. You're a wise man.

5
00:00:17,280 --> 00:00:19,270
No, you're the one walking this path,

6
00:00:19,320 --> 00:00:22,350
I just maybe held back
some of the brambles.

7
00:00:22,400 --> 00:00:23,710
After you drop me at the airport,

8
00:00:23,760 --> 00:00:25,870
you need to give that
wife of yours a call.

9
00:00:25,920 --> 00:00:28,550
I will, and I'll tell
her I definitely want

10
00:00:28,600 --> 00:00:30,510
to leave her for my goddaughter Suzanne.

11
00:00:30,560 --> 00:00:31,560
Thank you!

12
00:00:45,360 --> 00:00:46,710
Stephen, mate.

13
00:00:46,760 --> 00:00:49,390
Hello. Sausage rolls for the wake.

14
00:00:49,440 --> 00:00:50,790
Thoughts and prayers, fellow.

15
00:00:50,840 --> 00:00:52,630
I've allowed three per person.

16
00:00:52,680 --> 00:00:55,670
Seems about right. They're 80g each.

17
00:00:55,720 --> 00:00:58,750
Stay strong enough to allow
yourself to be weak, yeah.

18
00:00:58,800 --> 00:01:01,190
I will try, somehow, to do that.

19
00:01:01,240 --> 00:01:03,070
Your old man was great.

20
00:01:03,120 --> 00:01:04,590
A living legend.

21
00:01:04,640 --> 00:01:06,240
I mean, he's not any more, but...

22
00:01:07,600 --> 00:01:08,900
Tough act to follow, right?

23
00:01:13,120 --> 00:01:14,120
Thanks.

24
00:01:17,960 --> 00:01:21,150
He fucking hated you, you tedious shitba

25
00:01:21,200 --> 00:01:23,000
He used to spit in your ham roll.

26
00:01:24,380 --> 00:01:27,900
Back S01E01

27
00:01:28,460 --> 00:01:30,940
credits

28
00:01:35,360 --> 00:01:37,430
- Will you have a panini, Geoff?
- I will, Mike.

29
00:01:37,480 --> 00:01:39,190
- Chorizo and brie.
- Ah!

30
00:01:39,240 --> 00:01:41,150
You doing the music for
Laurie's wake tomorrow?

31
00:01:41,200 --> 00:01:43,710
Yeah, got a super '70s playlist lined up

32
00:01:43,760 --> 00:01:45,990
Feel like I need to give
him a big brother send-off.

33
00:01:46,040 --> 00:01:47,310
Do you still watch Big Brother?

34
00:01:47,360 --> 00:01:49,390
No, I meant because
Laurie was my big brother.

35
00:01:49,440 --> 00:01:51,230
We haven't watched it
since Nadia was in it.

36
00:01:51,280 --> 00:01:53,390
I never had you down as
watching Big Brother, Geoff.

37
00:01:53,440 --> 00:01:55,870
- Yeah, I don't watch it, Jan.
- Oh.

38
00:01:55,920 --> 00:01:57,470
Hi, checking in.

39
00:01:57,520 --> 00:01:58,630
En route to Mum's.

40
00:01:58,680 --> 00:02:00,670
Oh, good day, Stephen. Fancy a panini?

41
00:02:00,720 --> 00:02:03,710
- No, thank you.
- Jan and I are loving the panini maker.

42
00:02:03,760 --> 00:02:05,230
Highlight of the refurb.

43
00:02:05,280 --> 00:02:07,150
It's a good refurb, isn't it?

44
00:02:07,200 --> 00:02:08,710
All the pine.

45
00:02:08,760 --> 00:02:10,070
It was expensive.

46
00:02:10,120 --> 00:02:12,590
- Really expensive.
- Very costly indeed, wasn't it?

47
00:02:12,640 --> 00:02:14,760
But I like to think I got it right.

48
00:02:17,080 --> 00:02:18,750
People could really grow to like it.

49
00:02:18,800 --> 00:02:22,470
Yes! It's really, really thorough.

50
00:02:22,520 --> 00:02:24,950
Whenever I'd show Dad the
photos towards the end,

51
00:02:25,000 --> 00:02:28,430
he'd just hit his morphine
button and smile, so...

52
00:02:28,480 --> 00:02:32,110
Aw! Don't feel like you have to keep
it all bottled up just cos of us.

53
00:02:32,160 --> 00:02:35,230
- I don't. - You been to see
Laurie yet, lying at rest,

54
00:02:35,280 --> 00:02:36,750
talked to him one last time?

55
00:02:36,800 --> 00:02:39,310
Not technically, or actually.

56
00:02:39,360 --> 00:02:41,710
- I'm not sure that I...
- You've only got till half six.

57
00:02:41,760 --> 00:02:43,990
Go see him. Tell him you love him.

58
00:02:44,040 --> 00:02:45,390
You weren't there when he passed.

59
00:02:45,440 --> 00:02:47,790
I was stuck in a queue
at the cash-and-carry.

60
00:02:47,840 --> 00:02:49,430
The tills went literally mental.

61
00:02:49,480 --> 00:02:51,470
You should go to the funeral place.

62
00:02:51,520 --> 00:02:52,550
Closure's important.

63
00:02:52,600 --> 00:02:54,150
For me, the fact that he's dead

64
00:02:54,200 --> 00:02:56,990
already has quite a large
element of closure about it.

65
00:02:57,040 --> 00:02:58,040
Aw...

66
00:03:01,600 --> 00:03:02,530
~

67
00:03:03,880 --> 00:03:05,280
I'm really sorry.

68
00:03:05,400 --> 00:03:08,400
~

69
00:03:08,560 --> 00:03:11,070
I'm so sorry. I don't even know
what language you're speaking.

70
00:03:11,120 --> 00:03:12,590
He's speaking Basque,

71
00:03:12,640 --> 00:03:15,230
the beautiful language
of the Basque country.

72
00:03:15,280 --> 00:03:16,550
May I?

73
00:03:16,600 --> 00:03:18,600
I wouldn't say I was fluent, but...

74
00:03:30,720 --> 00:03:31,720
Thank you.

75
00:03:37,600 --> 00:03:40,230
I got the sausage rolls for the wake!

76
00:03:40,280 --> 00:03:42,470
I went to for the one up from economy.

77
00:03:42,520 --> 00:03:44,510
13% pork.

78
00:03:44,560 --> 00:03:47,350
So genetically closer to a cucumber.

79
00:03:47,400 --> 00:03:48,910
I'm in Dad's office, love.

80
00:03:48,960 --> 00:03:51,510
'End of messages.

81
00:03:51,560 --> 00:03:54,710
I've been listening to your dad's
last message from the hospital.

82
00:03:54,760 --> 00:03:57,680
You know, I don't think I've
got his voice recorded anywhere.

83
00:03:59,120 --> 00:04:01,550
You have one saved message.

84
00:04:01,600 --> 00:04:04,710
'I just rang to say I love you, Ellen.

85
00:04:04,760 --> 00:04:07,110
That's all there is, really, isn't it?

86
00:04:07,160 --> 00:04:11,110
Love, family, when you actually...

87
00:04:11,160 --> 00:04:13,350
Oh, shit, I've dropped my yoghurt.

88
00:04:13,400 --> 00:04:15,510
Oh, fuck it all to hell!

89
00:04:15,560 --> 00:04:16,670
End of messages.

90
00:04:16,720 --> 00:04:17,790
Laurie to a T.

91
00:04:17,840 --> 00:04:19,270
Loving his family.

92
00:04:19,320 --> 00:04:20,830
Dropping is yoghurt.

93
00:04:20,880 --> 00:04:22,750
- Do you want?
- I'm fine, thanks.

94
00:04:22,800 --> 00:04:24,190
It's only grass, love.

95
00:04:24,240 --> 00:04:25,230
Yeah, don't worry.

96
00:04:25,280 --> 00:04:27,720
I just had a massive
toke on my brown inhaler.

97
00:04:28,840 --> 00:04:33,950
Mum, erm, I've got a vision for
the future of the business.

98
00:04:34,000 --> 00:04:37,320
- Have you? - I think Dad liked
what I did with the refurb.

99
00:04:38,640 --> 00:04:40,350
So I'm stepping up.

100
00:04:40,400 --> 00:04:42,190
There's no-one else to fill Dad's shoes.

101
00:04:42,240 --> 00:04:43,390
Cass isn't interested.

102
00:04:43,440 --> 00:04:45,310
No, she's like me, creative.

103
00:04:45,360 --> 00:04:46,760
So, Mum, my vision is...

104
00:04:47,760 --> 00:04:50,030
I would actually say that
I'm quite creative, too.

105
00:04:50,080 --> 00:04:52,190
Of course you are, sweetheart.

106
00:04:52,240 --> 00:04:55,790
My vision is static caravans
in the field behind the pub.

107
00:04:55,840 --> 00:04:59,950
For holidays. Four caravans,
five, maybe even six, who knows?

108
00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:01,790
But most likely four.

109
00:05:01,840 --> 00:05:03,710
We could really start moving forward.

110
00:05:03,760 --> 00:05:05,990
I mean, they're static,
but you get my point.

111
00:05:06,040 --> 00:05:08,310
Let's bury your dad first.

112
00:05:08,360 --> 00:05:10,030
That's the priority.

113
00:05:10,080 --> 00:05:11,200
Copy that.

114
00:05:12,920 --> 00:05:14,400
Sir, sir?

115
00:05:15,800 --> 00:05:17,630
Ladies and gentlemen, if there's

116
00:05:17,680 --> 00:05:19,910
a doctor on board or
anyone trained in CPR,

117
00:05:19,960 --> 00:05:22,360
please do make yourself
known to the cabin crew.

118
00:05:24,160 --> 00:05:25,920
Hi, it's me. Can I help?

119
00:05:34,880 --> 00:05:36,670
Stephen, go and see Dad's body

120
00:05:36,720 --> 00:05:38,870
and tell him you love him
before it's too late.

121
00:05:38,920 --> 00:05:40,070
It's really important.

122
00:05:40,120 --> 00:05:41,470
This is Geoff's doing, isn't it?

123
00:05:41,520 --> 00:05:42,990
No. Shit!

124
00:05:43,040 --> 00:05:44,150
Geoff!

125
00:05:44,200 --> 00:05:47,150
It's not just me. Cassie's
concerned, as well.

126
00:05:47,200 --> 00:05:50,350
And your mum, and Mike and Jan,
and the guy on the phone-in...

127
00:05:50,400 --> 00:05:51,910
You rang a phone-in about me?

128
00:05:51,960 --> 00:05:53,190
Love a phone-in.

129
00:05:53,240 --> 00:05:56,270
Don't know what I'd do
without phone-ins, or PornHub.

130
00:05:56,320 --> 00:05:57,710
Have you seen Dad's body?

131
00:05:57,760 --> 00:05:59,030
Yes! I mean, no,

132
00:05:59,080 --> 00:06:01,550
but I was with him in the hospice
until he was nearly dead.

133
00:06:01,600 --> 00:06:04,190
If he hadn't been talking and
eating a sweet, he'd have been dead.

134
00:06:04,240 --> 00:06:07,110
I've been four times to the
funeral parlour. It's a comfort.

135
00:06:07,160 --> 00:06:08,990
It's weird.

136
00:06:09,040 --> 00:06:10,830
Shit! Mum's out.

137
00:06:10,880 --> 00:06:12,070
Have you got your keys?

138
00:06:12,120 --> 00:06:13,430
No. Maybe. I don't know.

139
00:06:13,480 --> 00:06:15,070
Who always knows where their keys are?

140
00:06:15,120 --> 00:06:17,110
Everyone who has a door.

141
00:06:17,160 --> 00:06:18,160
Come on.

142
00:06:20,000 --> 00:06:23,150
They've tried to make it look like
he's just asleep in the coffin,

143
00:06:23,200 --> 00:06:24,670
but it hasn't really worked.

144
00:06:24,720 --> 00:06:28,110
Well, Dad slept naked and on his
front so, in a way, I'm glad.

145
00:06:28,160 --> 00:06:30,230
Mum's gone for a wicker coffin.

146
00:06:30,280 --> 00:06:33,390
Reminds me of the baskets we
used to use for food in the pub.

147
00:06:33,440 --> 00:06:34,750
Here we go, folks.

148
00:06:34,800 --> 00:06:37,070
Dad's like a giant scampi.

149
00:06:37,120 --> 00:06:39,270
Fresh from the shining sea.

150
00:06:39,320 --> 00:06:41,950
Frozen from Shitty-bijan, more like.

151
00:06:42,000 --> 00:06:44,510
Don't do your homework
in the pub, Stephen.

152
00:06:44,560 --> 00:06:45,550
Do it at home.

153
00:06:45,600 --> 00:06:47,030
It's hard to concentrate

154
00:06:47,080 --> 00:06:49,390
with all the foster kids and everything.

155
00:06:51,720 --> 00:06:54,310
- Be quiet! Sit down!
- Food's ready!

156
00:06:54,360 --> 00:06:55,550
Go fuck yourself.

157
00:06:55,600 --> 00:06:58,070
"Go fuck yourself" isn't
on the menu, Jeanette,

158
00:06:58,120 --> 00:06:59,510
prawn curry is.

159
00:06:59,560 --> 00:07:01,520
Little weirdo. Little shit goblin!

160
00:07:06,040 --> 00:07:08,600
I guess I'm just scared of seeing his...

161
00:07:11,040 --> 00:07:13,070
- His?
- Cadaver.

162
00:07:13,120 --> 00:07:14,470
And fear is good.

163
00:07:14,520 --> 00:07:16,590
My ancestors ran away from tigers,

164
00:07:16,640 --> 00:07:18,790
all the fearless fuckers got eaten.

165
00:07:18,840 --> 00:07:20,430
Don't leave things unsaid, son.

166
00:07:20,480 --> 00:07:23,830
When's the last time you
told your dad you loved him?

167
00:07:23,880 --> 00:07:25,110
I don't think I ever did.

168
00:07:25,160 --> 00:07:26,950
- Stephen!
- It never came up.

169
00:07:27,000 --> 00:07:29,670
And then there's this whole
unresolved argument you had

170
00:07:29,720 --> 00:07:31,750
with him about Fred
Perry versus Andy Murray.

171
00:07:31,800 --> 00:07:34,110
We did resolve that, we agreed to differ

172
00:07:34,160 --> 00:07:36,790
Was Dad still going on
about that on his deathbed?

173
00:07:36,840 --> 00:07:37,950
I bet.

174
00:07:38,000 --> 00:07:40,310
Look, we'll leave you to ponder.

175
00:07:40,360 --> 00:07:41,750
You've got till half six,

176
00:07:41,800 --> 00:07:43,300
then the funeral place shuts.

177
00:07:46,920 --> 00:07:49,310
Do you have any quite strong lager?

178
00:07:49,360 --> 00:07:50,360
Sure.

179
00:07:52,880 --> 00:07:53,870
Hi.

180
00:07:53,920 --> 00:07:54,950
Hi.

181
00:07:55,000 --> 00:07:57,030
Would you mind keeping an eye on my dog?

182
00:07:57,080 --> 00:07:59,040
- Not a problem.
- Thanks so much.

183
00:08:03,320 --> 00:08:04,840
Your mum's sexy.

184
00:08:06,320 --> 00:08:07,670
I mean your owner.

185
00:08:07,720 --> 00:08:09,320
I haven't met your birth mother.

186
00:08:10,600 --> 00:08:11,840
I'm sure she's lovely.

187
00:08:19,880 --> 00:08:21,470
I only wish I could've done more.

188
00:08:21,520 --> 00:08:22,790
You did all you could.

189
00:08:22,840 --> 00:08:24,360
No-one else came forward.

190
00:08:25,600 --> 00:08:27,990
- You're a good man.
- Thank you.

191
00:08:28,040 --> 00:08:30,360
I just want to try to make a difference.

192
00:08:42,040 --> 00:08:43,830
Another can of quite strong lager?

193
00:08:43,880 --> 00:08:44,950
No, thanks.

194
00:08:45,000 --> 00:08:48,000
I need to be somewhere and
say something to someone.

195
00:08:50,520 --> 00:08:52,630
- Do you think she's all right?
- Who's all right?

196
00:08:52,680 --> 00:08:55,600
The lady who owns this dog,
she asked me to look after it.

197
00:08:56,760 --> 00:08:59,190
The sexy woman who was sitting over ther

198
00:08:59,240 --> 00:09:00,630
No, didn't notice her.

199
00:09:00,680 --> 00:09:03,710
Well, maybe check the toilet. I
presume she went to the toilet.

200
00:09:03,760 --> 00:09:05,030
There's no-one in the toilet.

201
00:09:05,080 --> 00:09:06,990
We've got one toilet, I was just in ther

202
00:09:07,040 --> 00:09:08,670
There wasn't a sexy woman with me.

203
00:09:08,720 --> 00:09:11,950
Well, I need to go, so
I'll leave the dog here

204
00:09:12,000 --> 00:09:13,830
and I'm guessing she'll come back for it

205
00:09:13,880 --> 00:09:15,470
You can't leave your dog here.

206
00:09:15,520 --> 00:09:16,910
As I say, it's not my dog.

207
00:09:16,960 --> 00:09:19,310
As far as I'm concerned, it's your dog.

208
00:09:19,360 --> 00:09:20,550
Not my dog, is it?

209
00:09:22,560 --> 00:09:25,110
Is that piss coming out of its basket?

210
00:09:27,000 --> 00:09:28,280
That would be my guess.

211
00:09:30,720 --> 00:09:33,230
Hi, sorry. Can I see my dad?

212
00:09:33,280 --> 00:09:35,310
I've just closed up, Stephen, so...

213
00:09:35,360 --> 00:09:36,910
But, could I just quickly...?

214
00:09:36,960 --> 00:09:38,230
You can't take your cat in.

215
00:09:38,280 --> 00:09:39,910
It's not my cat, it's my dog.

216
00:09:39,960 --> 00:09:42,030
And it's not MY dog.

217
00:09:42,080 --> 00:09:44,230
OK, I'll just miss the start.

218
00:09:44,280 --> 00:09:45,550
- Of...
- Oh, nothing.

219
00:09:45,600 --> 00:09:47,190
Just going to the theatre with Jill.

220
00:09:47,240 --> 00:09:50,190
We don't get out as much as we'd
like to, what with the wheelchair.

221
00:09:50,240 --> 00:09:51,430
I'll text her.

222
00:09:51,480 --> 00:09:53,470
We can download something.

223
00:09:53,520 --> 00:09:57,390
- Erm... - Now, let me
remember the alarm code.

224
00:09:57,440 --> 00:09:58,790
Going blank.

225
00:09:58,840 --> 00:10:00,950
Don't want guess and end up
with five squad cars here.

226
00:10:01,000 --> 00:10:03,830
- That's happened.
- Actually, it's fine.

227
00:10:03,880 --> 00:10:05,150
By the time we get in,

228
00:10:05,200 --> 00:10:08,470
you'll be even later and
I'll be aware of that while

229
00:10:08,520 --> 00:10:10,310
looking at the corpse.

230
00:10:10,360 --> 00:10:11,990
Clock ticking, as it were.

231
00:10:12,040 --> 00:10:14,350
So, you go.

232
00:10:14,400 --> 00:10:16,230
Thanks and sorry.

233
00:10:16,280 --> 00:10:17,280
But thanks again.

234
00:10:27,720 --> 00:10:31,830
Look, Dad, I didn't get to,

235
00:10:31,880 --> 00:10:34,080
you know, say that I...

236
00:10:35,840 --> 00:10:37,550
OK, first of all, I need to clarify

237
00:10:37,600 --> 00:10:39,950
the Fred Perry versus Andy Murray thing.

238
00:10:40,000 --> 00:10:42,470
I was talking primarily about temperamen

239
00:10:42,520 --> 00:10:43,830
Perry for all his...

240
00:10:46,080 --> 00:10:47,310
All right, mate?

241
00:10:47,360 --> 00:10:48,350
All right?

242
00:10:50,680 --> 00:10:52,390
Dog piss.

243
00:11:17,640 --> 00:11:20,680
So, Dad, we never...

244
00:11:22,040 --> 00:11:25,720
We both knew, didn't we,
that some things that...

245
00:11:28,880 --> 00:11:32,160
Anyway, there's something
I... I need to say...

246
00:11:33,960 --> 00:11:36,470
.. that I was never able to...

247
00:11:39,120 --> 00:11:41,630
I can't believe Dad is gone.

248
00:11:41,680 --> 00:11:44,190
I mean... Dad.

249
00:11:44,240 --> 00:11:45,750
Best dad.

250
00:11:45,800 --> 00:11:47,550
Gone.

251
00:11:47,600 --> 00:11:48,960
Yes, "Dad".

252
00:11:50,320 --> 00:11:51,950
My dad has gone.

253
00:11:52,000 --> 00:11:53,070
Look, I was just...

254
00:11:53,120 --> 00:11:54,710
Go ahead, don't mind me.

255
00:11:54,760 --> 00:11:57,670
I was just remembering
the wonderful times...

256
00:11:57,720 --> 00:11:58,950
.. with Dad.

257
00:11:59,000 --> 00:12:01,070
Dear, sweet Dad.

258
00:12:01,120 --> 00:12:03,230
Sorry, do I know you?

259
00:12:03,280 --> 00:12:05,790
Andrew Donnelly, I'm your brother.

260
00:12:05,840 --> 00:12:06,990
No, you're not.

261
00:12:07,040 --> 00:12:10,070
1987, March 15th to August 6th.

262
00:12:10,120 --> 00:12:11,630
I was your foster brother.

263
00:12:11,680 --> 00:12:13,150
Oh! Oh, right.

264
00:12:13,200 --> 00:12:14,470
You're one of those.

265
00:12:14,520 --> 00:12:15,830
Yes, of course.

266
00:12:15,880 --> 00:12:17,110
- I'm Stephen.
- I know.

267
00:12:17,160 --> 00:12:18,150
Of course.

268
00:12:18,200 --> 00:12:21,440
You carry on with what you were saying.

269
00:12:24,520 --> 00:12:25,520
No, I...

270
00:12:27,720 --> 00:12:28,720
It's fine.

271
00:12:30,960 --> 00:12:32,190
Bye, Dad.

272
00:12:32,240 --> 00:12:35,400
You meant everything to me, and
I'll love and miss you forever.

273
00:12:53,160 --> 00:12:55,190
I popped into the John
Barleycorn on the way here.

274
00:12:55,240 --> 00:12:56,630
First time in 30 years.

275
00:12:56,680 --> 00:12:58,630
Wow. And the big refurb?

276
00:12:58,680 --> 00:13:00,270
Oh, that would be a great idea.

277
00:13:00,320 --> 00:13:01,350
The sooner the better.

278
00:13:01,400 --> 00:13:02,710
Rip out that tired old pine.

279
00:13:02,760 --> 00:13:04,350
Must be killing the walk-in trade.

280
00:13:04,400 --> 00:13:07,030
- When was it last done?
- They finished last week.

281
00:13:07,080 --> 00:13:09,950
Oh, right. Yeah, I mean, I
probably didn't have enough time

282
00:13:10,000 --> 00:13:11,190
to take it all in.

283
00:13:11,240 --> 00:13:13,470
Still surfing my memories.

284
00:13:13,520 --> 00:13:16,550
- I got you a Toblerone.
- Right.

285
00:13:16,600 --> 00:13:20,190
- Thanks? - Toblerone, your
favourite back in the day.

286
00:13:20,240 --> 00:13:22,560
"This is the Toblerone zone."

287
00:13:30,840 --> 00:13:35,470
Who dares try to enter the Toblerone zon

288
00:13:35,520 --> 00:13:37,470
What's the password?

289
00:13:37,520 --> 00:13:39,990
- Hi, Dad!
- Hey, guys!

290
00:13:40,040 --> 00:13:42,950
I was wondering if you wanted to go
to Chessington World Of Adventures

291
00:13:43,000 --> 00:13:46,520
- in my shiny red car.
- Yay!

292
00:13:49,280 --> 00:13:51,510
You remember your time
with us very vividly.

293
00:13:51,560 --> 00:13:52,750
I kept a diary,

294
00:13:52,800 --> 00:13:55,630
which I've typed up and
synced across all my devices.

295
00:13:55,680 --> 00:13:57,590
Don't you remember the Toblerone zone?

296
00:13:57,640 --> 00:13:58,630
Erm...

297
00:14:07,640 --> 00:14:09,830
Can I have some help
cleaning the beer lines?

298
00:14:09,880 --> 00:14:11,910
- They're filthy.
- Yep.

299
00:14:11,960 --> 00:14:13,990
Don't eat chocolate in
your bedroom, Stephen.

300
00:14:14,040 --> 00:14:15,960
This is the real world, not the Beano.

301
00:14:27,760 --> 00:14:30,030
Science can't explain everything.

302
00:14:30,080 --> 00:14:31,670
Look at the Turin Shroud.

303
00:14:31,720 --> 00:14:33,790
Doctors only know what
they've been taught.

304
00:14:33,840 --> 00:14:36,950
Precisely. Medical science
doesn't have all the answers.

305
00:14:37,000 --> 00:14:39,950
If homoeopathy works, then it works.

306
00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:43,990
- That's my view. - I actually think
the arnica and fentanyl did far more

307
00:14:44,040 --> 00:14:46,670
to ease Laurie's pain than
the gallons of bloody morphine

308
00:14:46,720 --> 00:14:48,870
they swilled down his throat.

309
00:14:48,920 --> 00:14:50,240
Oh, excuse me.

310
00:14:55,440 --> 00:14:57,510
Aw, it's good to let yourself cry.

311
00:14:57,560 --> 00:14:59,350
No, this is a reaction.

312
00:14:59,400 --> 00:15:01,670
I mean, to dog hair, not grief.

313
00:15:01,720 --> 00:15:03,670
Although, obviously I'm grieving,

314
00:15:03,720 --> 00:15:07,150
just not to the extent
that my eyelids swell up.

315
00:15:07,200 --> 00:15:10,230
I have to say, that dog of yours
doesn't appear to be toilet trained.

316
00:15:10,280 --> 00:15:13,070
It's an asthma-causing
piss and vomit machine

317
00:15:13,120 --> 00:15:14,870
and there's a reason science has chosen

318
00:15:14,920 --> 00:15:16,710
never to replicate that machine.

319
00:15:16,760 --> 00:15:19,270
Still, she's very cute,
don't you think, Tom?

320
00:15:19,320 --> 00:15:20,670
I don't like small dogs.

321
00:15:20,720 --> 00:15:22,230
They're not really dogs, are they?

322
00:15:22,280 --> 00:15:25,710
I mean, seeing a big, tall guy
or even a guy your size, Stephen,

323
00:15:25,760 --> 00:15:28,200
walking a tiny dog, it's
emasculating, isn't it?

324
00:15:34,360 --> 00:15:36,320
- No, mate, you go on.
- I'm fine. Thank you.

325
00:15:40,920 --> 00:15:43,830
Oh, Cat Stevens.

326
00:15:43,880 --> 00:15:45,430
The governor.

327
00:15:45,480 --> 00:15:47,830
Laurie loved his '70s sounds.

328
00:15:47,880 --> 00:15:50,070
Terrific time. What are
you running audio-wise?

329
00:15:50,120 --> 00:15:52,910
Bluetooth speaker, got
the iPad hooked up to it,

330
00:15:52,960 --> 00:15:54,950
wireless, crystal clear.

331
00:15:55,000 --> 00:15:56,910
How did we manage in the old days?

332
00:15:56,960 --> 00:15:58,510
Vinyl's making a comeback.

333
00:15:58,560 --> 00:16:00,280
Yeah, for cunts.

334
00:16:04,520 --> 00:16:07,230
You're absolutely right. They're
just useless sugar pills.

335
00:16:07,280 --> 00:16:11,270
Yeah. Homeopathy's hardly reiki or
that thing with the magnets, is it?

336
00:16:11,320 --> 00:16:13,550
Homeopathy's a scam, in my view.

337
00:16:13,600 --> 00:16:16,230
Nice to have Andrew back, isn't it?

338
00:16:16,280 --> 00:16:18,430
He was our favourite foster child.

339
00:16:18,480 --> 00:16:20,590
I know, you're not meant
to have favourites,

340
00:16:20,640 --> 00:16:22,750
but some of them were genuine arseholes.

341
00:16:22,800 --> 00:16:24,710
He was in touch with Dad on Facebook.

342
00:16:24,760 --> 00:16:26,070
Dad was on Facebook?

343
00:16:26,120 --> 00:16:27,630
220 friends.

344
00:16:27,680 --> 00:16:29,190
Do you not do Facebook, Stephen?

345
00:16:29,240 --> 00:16:31,910
Didn't sign up at first,
thought I'd missed the boat,

346
00:16:31,960 --> 00:16:33,390
then most people signed up

347
00:16:33,440 --> 00:16:35,710
and it turned out I hadn't
missed the initial boat,

348
00:16:35,760 --> 00:16:38,710
but I definitely have missed
that second, much larger boat.

349
00:16:38,760 --> 00:16:42,190
He's done some amazing
things, haven't you, Andrew?

350
00:16:42,240 --> 00:16:46,070
Laurie was very impressed, said
you were a business marvel.

351
00:16:46,120 --> 00:16:47,270
What amazing things?

352
00:16:47,320 --> 00:16:49,590
Oh, nothing, really. You don't
need to list them, Ellen.

353
00:16:49,640 --> 00:16:51,310
He ran a cafe in Sydney,

354
00:16:51,360 --> 00:16:54,110
interior designer in Lisbon, photographe

355
00:16:54,160 --> 00:16:56,790
property developer,
managed a reggae band...

356
00:16:56,840 --> 00:16:59,150
- They were more heavy ska.
- A heavy ska band.

357
00:16:59,200 --> 00:17:00,790
Laurie was bowled over.

358
00:17:00,840 --> 00:17:03,470
When he knew he was... on the way out,

359
00:17:03,520 --> 00:17:05,910
he wondered whether
Andrew might help you out

360
00:17:05,960 --> 00:17:07,710
in the transition period.

361
00:17:07,760 --> 00:17:08,790
Sorry, what?

362
00:17:08,840 --> 00:17:11,950
While you're finding your
feet with the business.

363
00:17:12,000 --> 00:17:14,150
Dad was just aware that, you know,

364
00:17:14,200 --> 00:17:16,190
in London, after college,

365
00:17:16,240 --> 00:17:19,270
not that you failed as a
lawyer ... you didn't fail...

366
00:17:19,320 --> 00:17:21,750
Most of those people got
a significant proportion

367
00:17:21,800 --> 00:17:24,150
of their money back and
officially, I resigned.

368
00:17:24,200 --> 00:17:27,590
I know, Dad was just thinking two
heads better than one, you know?

369
00:17:27,640 --> 00:17:29,070
Stephen, sorry, you need to...

370
00:17:29,120 --> 00:17:30,990
I think the dog might be dying.

371
00:17:31,040 --> 00:17:32,550
Can you still shit when you're dying?

372
00:17:32,600 --> 00:17:34,040
Very much so.

373
00:17:35,320 --> 00:17:38,470
And you don't remember this Andrew
being fostered with you guys at all?

374
00:17:38,520 --> 00:17:41,110
There were so many of the
fuckers I lost track.

375
00:17:41,160 --> 00:17:43,190
Like the Sugababes.

376
00:17:43,240 --> 00:17:45,350
I'm afraid your dog isn't well.

377
00:17:45,400 --> 00:17:46,910
It's not actually my dog,

378
00:17:46,960 --> 00:17:48,870
it's a sexy lady's dog.

379
00:17:48,920 --> 00:17:50,350
Not this sexy lady.

380
00:17:50,400 --> 00:17:52,510
I'm not saying I find her sexy.

381
00:17:52,560 --> 00:17:53,870
I mean, I did once,

382
00:17:53,920 --> 00:17:57,950
we were married, but we've both
totally moved on now and...

383
00:17:58,000 --> 00:18:00,110
Do go on. The dog's not well, you say?

384
00:18:00,160 --> 00:18:03,990
I think she has pyometra, a quite
serious infection of the uterus.

385
00:18:04,040 --> 00:18:07,430
We're going to need to do a scan
to confirm, but if it is pyometra,

386
00:18:07,480 --> 00:18:09,550
she'll need an operation
as soon as possible.

387
00:18:09,600 --> 00:18:11,070
How much is a scan?

388
00:18:11,120 --> 00:18:12,750
Around £300.

389
00:18:12,800 --> 00:18:14,470
And the operation would be?

390
00:18:14,520 --> 00:18:16,480
Probably £1,200, plus VAT.

391
00:18:17,680 --> 00:18:20,630
OK. And the alternative?

392
00:18:20,680 --> 00:18:24,150
If this condition goes untreated
she'll die of septic shock,

393
00:18:24,200 --> 00:18:26,440
so the alternative is to euthanize her.

394
00:18:27,640 --> 00:18:29,510
- For £50.
- Plus VAT?

395
00:18:29,560 --> 00:18:30,790
Yes.

396
00:18:30,840 --> 00:18:31,830
Well, there's...

397
00:18:31,880 --> 00:18:33,510
There's no question, is there?

398
00:18:33,560 --> 00:18:35,110
- Isn't there?
- Is there?

399
00:18:35,160 --> 00:18:36,150
It's up to you.

400
00:18:36,200 --> 00:18:38,040
I would make no moral judgment.

401
00:18:41,680 --> 00:18:45,430
Do the scan and then the
operation if you need to.

402
00:18:45,480 --> 00:18:48,110
We'll keep her here
and we'll be in touch

403
00:18:48,160 --> 00:18:50,830
Right. Next move, Andrew.

404
00:18:50,880 --> 00:18:53,190
He can't just waltz in and
be a part of everything.

405
00:18:53,240 --> 00:18:56,430
You need to go back home and assert
yourself as head of the family.

406
00:18:56,480 --> 00:18:58,230
I will. I shall.

407
00:18:58,280 --> 00:18:59,470
Captain Assertion.

408
00:18:59,520 --> 00:19:02,030
And that was a great thing you've
just done for that little dog.

409
00:19:02,080 --> 00:19:03,950
I'm very fond of the dog.

410
00:19:04,000 --> 00:19:06,200
She's a very sweet little dog.

411
00:19:08,000 --> 00:19:09,910
- How's the dog?
- Fuck the dog. Come on.

412
00:19:09,960 --> 00:19:11,230
Like the music, lads?

413
00:19:11,280 --> 00:19:13,070
- Super '70s.
- It's great.

414
00:19:13,120 --> 00:19:14,670
One guy I didn't put on,

415
00:19:14,720 --> 00:19:16,750
Glitter, Gary Glitter.

416
00:19:16,800 --> 00:19:20,750
- Paul Francis Gadd, Esq.
- Right, for obvious reasons.

417
00:19:20,800 --> 00:19:22,670
Do you want to know what I'd do to paedo

418
00:19:22,720 --> 00:19:25,630
- No, I don't.
- I would burn them alive.

419
00:19:25,680 --> 00:19:27,710
Yeah, I really don't want
this discussion, Geoff.

420
00:19:27,760 --> 00:19:30,350
- Not right now.
- I would happily pull the lever.

421
00:19:30,400 --> 00:19:34,510
What lever? Where does a lever
come into burning someone alive?

422
00:19:34,560 --> 00:19:36,590
Maybe the lever tips petrol over them

423
00:19:36,640 --> 00:19:38,870
while simultaneously striking a match.

424
00:19:38,920 --> 00:19:42,710
So this is some sort of Wilf Lunn
contraption for incinerating humans?

425
00:19:42,760 --> 00:19:44,710
Ah! They're not human, though.

426
00:19:44,760 --> 00:19:47,230
That's the whole fucking thing.

427
00:19:47,280 --> 00:19:50,350
Do you want to know what I'd do
to people who batter old folk?

428
00:19:50,400 --> 00:19:51,590
Drown them?

429
00:19:51,640 --> 00:19:53,070
Yeah, I would.

430
00:19:53,120 --> 00:19:54,270
Happily pull the lever.

431
00:19:54,320 --> 00:19:57,110
Yeah, a lot easier to see how a
lever might work in that scenario.

432
00:19:57,160 --> 00:19:58,160
Mmm.

433
00:20:02,080 --> 00:20:03,750
What is this? What's your game?

434
00:20:03,800 --> 00:20:05,270
There's no game, I promise you.

435
00:20:05,320 --> 00:20:06,510
Is this a con?

436
00:20:06,560 --> 00:20:11,110
Is it a Martin Guerre thing,
you've assumed this guy's identity?

437
00:20:11,160 --> 00:20:14,430
The time I lived here was the
best five months of my life.

438
00:20:14,480 --> 00:20:16,750
It made me able to go out and,

439
00:20:16,800 --> 00:20:19,390
all modesty aside, conquer the world.

440
00:20:19,440 --> 00:20:22,870
You really have put modesty quite
a long way over to the side there.

441
00:20:22,920 --> 00:20:27,550
But, for all my success, I
feel there's something missing.

442
00:20:27,600 --> 00:20:29,910
I need to plug back in to the mother shi

443
00:20:29,960 --> 00:20:34,390
This, here, is the closest thing
to a family I've ever had.

444
00:20:34,440 --> 00:20:36,630
You, Dad...

445
00:20:36,680 --> 00:20:39,950
Shut up! For fuck's sake,
stop calling him Dad!

446
00:20:40,000 --> 00:20:42,950
This man is my dad, OK? Not yours.

447
00:20:43,000 --> 00:20:44,070
I feel I've hit a nerve.

448
00:20:44,120 --> 00:20:45,710
He wasn't your dad.

449
00:20:45,760 --> 00:20:47,430
He was my fucking dad!

450
00:20:47,480 --> 00:20:49,230
My dead fucking dad,

451
00:20:49,280 --> 00:20:51,030
and you can't appropriate him,

452
00:20:51,080 --> 00:20:53,910
however many fucking
countries you've lived in,

453
00:20:53,960 --> 00:20:56,110
you massive fucking orphan.

454
00:20:56,160 --> 00:20:57,790
'Fuck it all to hell.

455
00:20:57,840 --> 00:20:59,270
'Message deleted.

456
00:20:59,320 --> 00:21:01,150
Fuck. No, what have I done?

457
00:21:01,200 --> 00:21:03,590
- How do I get it back?
- I don't think you can get it back.

458
00:21:03,640 --> 00:21:05,430
- It deletes it permanently.
- What do you mean?

459
00:21:05,480 --> 00:21:06,990
You must be able to get it back.

460
00:21:07,040 --> 00:21:08,310
Isn't it in the Cloud?

461
00:21:08,360 --> 00:21:10,270
I thought everything was in the Cloud.

462
00:21:10,320 --> 00:21:13,150
Answering machine messages on
landlines aren't in the Cloud,

463
00:21:13,200 --> 00:21:15,270
sort of in the same way
that Sumerian clay tablets

464
00:21:15,320 --> 00:21:16,390
aren't in the Cloud.

465
00:21:16,440 --> 00:21:19,230
But... it was his last message.

466
00:21:19,280 --> 00:21:22,750
Mum's last link with Dad
and I've destroyed it.

467
00:21:22,800 --> 00:21:24,190
Are you guys all right?

468
00:21:24,240 --> 00:21:26,270
I heard shouting just now.

469
00:21:26,320 --> 00:21:27,790
We're absolutely fine.

470
00:21:27,840 --> 00:21:30,790
We... we were shouting with friendship.

471
00:21:30,840 --> 00:21:33,230
Something terrible has happened, Ellen.

472
00:21:33,280 --> 00:21:34,960
Oh, no. What?

473
00:21:36,920 --> 00:21:39,800
I've accidentally deleted
Laurie's last voicemail.

474
00:21:41,840 --> 00:21:44,200
- Oh.
- I'm so sorry.

475
00:21:46,480 --> 00:21:48,960
No, well...

476
00:21:50,440 --> 00:21:52,310
He did sound ill on it.

477
00:21:52,360 --> 00:21:55,030
I should remember him as
he'd like to be remembered.

478
00:21:55,080 --> 00:21:58,510
Young, ambitious, charming,

479
00:21:58,560 --> 00:22:00,790
a business marvel.

480
00:22:00,840 --> 00:22:02,270
You're absolutely right, Ellen.

481
00:22:02,320 --> 00:22:04,720
Call me Mum, like you used to.

482
00:22:07,760 --> 00:22:09,710
- Mum.
- Oh...

483
00:22:09,760 --> 00:22:10,910
Is Cass around?

484
00:22:10,960 --> 00:22:14,630
I've got something I need to
say, to assert to the family.

485
00:22:14,680 --> 00:22:18,430
- OK. - And, by the way, it was
actually me who did the deleting.

486
00:22:18,480 --> 00:22:19,710
Oh, Stephen!

487
00:22:19,760 --> 00:22:21,960
A dead man's final message.

488
00:22:26,000 --> 00:22:27,230
Hi, Andrew.

489
00:22:27,280 --> 00:22:30,710
Probably seems small and parochial
and a bit shit around here

490
00:22:30,760 --> 00:22:32,270
after all your amazing travelling.

491
00:22:32,320 --> 00:22:34,390
Not at all. It's exactly as I remember i

492
00:22:34,440 --> 00:22:36,550
And that's precisely what I
need in my life right now.

493
00:22:36,600 --> 00:22:37,830
It has changed a bit.

494
00:22:37,880 --> 00:22:39,830
There's a music festival now every summe

495
00:22:39,880 --> 00:22:40,910
It has four stages.

496
00:22:40,960 --> 00:22:41,950
Like cancer.

497
00:22:42,000 --> 00:22:44,350
Look, there's something I need to say.

498
00:22:44,400 --> 00:22:45,990
Geoff, can you give us five minutes?

499
00:22:46,040 --> 00:22:48,470
Oh, yeah, sure. I needed the loo anyway.

500
00:22:48,520 --> 00:22:49,550
I'll take this.

501
00:22:50,200 --> 00:22:51,790
I love how much you've travelled.

502
00:22:51,840 --> 00:22:53,830
I really wish I'd travelled
more when I was young.

503
00:22:53,880 --> 00:22:55,510
- You're still young.
- I'm not.

504
00:22:55,560 --> 00:22:56,910
- You are.
- I'm not.

505
00:22:56,960 --> 00:22:58,270
She's 36.

506
00:22:58,320 --> 00:23:02,390
- Look... - You will stay with us for
a while, Andrew, like Laurie wanted.

507
00:23:02,440 --> 00:23:04,310
Come back to us for a bit.

508
00:23:04,360 --> 00:23:05,350
Would you like me to?

509
00:23:05,400 --> 00:23:06,430
I really, really would.

510
00:23:06,480 --> 00:23:09,110
I mean, we all would, but I
really would, quite a lot.

511
00:23:09,160 --> 00:23:10,390
No, no, no. We can't just...

512
00:23:10,440 --> 00:23:12,350
That's very kind. It's like I...

513
00:23:12,400 --> 00:23:16,110
Oh, fuck, yes! You're fucking
me. Yeah, fuck, right there!

514
00:23:16,160 --> 00:23:17,630
Oh, my God. Oh, fuck, fuck.

515
00:23:17,680 --> 00:23:19,990
Geoff! Turn it off!

516
00:23:20,040 --> 00:23:22,110
It's like our dad said in
his last message, isn't it?

517
00:23:22,160 --> 00:23:23,670
No, no, no, no. Not OUR dad.

518
00:23:23,720 --> 00:23:27,670
All there really is is love and family.

519
00:23:27,720 --> 00:23:29,470
You sound just like him.

520
00:23:29,520 --> 00:23:32,070
Oh, my God. You're going to make me come

521
00:23:32,120 --> 00:23:33,830
You're going to make me come!

522
00:23:33,880 --> 00:23:37,710
Oh, God! Oh, my God! I'm coming.
Make my pussy come. Oh, yeah!

523
00:23:37,760 --> 00:23:39,270
Does have a terrific tone, though.

524
00:23:39,320 --> 00:23:40,990
Oh, fuck me! You're fucking me!

525
00:23:41,040 --> 00:23:42,630
You're fucking me! You're fucking me!

526
00:23:42,680 --> 00:23:44,310
You're fucking me! You're fucking me!

527
00:23:44,360 --> 00:23:46,230
* Son of a bitch

528
00:23:46,280 --> 00:23:48,230
* Give me a drink

529
00:23:48,280 --> 00:23:50,230
* One more night

530
00:23:50,280 --> 00:23:51,760
* This can't be me

531
00:23:52,880 --> 00:23:54,750
* Son of a bitch

532
00:23:54,800 --> 00:23:56,160
* If I can't get clean

533
00:23:57,240 --> 00:23:58,880
* I'm gonna drink my life away

534
00:24:00,200 --> 00:24:02,320
* Hey! *