Car trouble?
Life trouble.
Lost my bikini bar.
Lost the feeling in my left nipple
after that asshole shot me in the tit with a crossbow!
What's with the rickshaw full of junk?
There was talk of drug testing at work,
and unless they're grading on a curve,
I don't think I'll pass.
So I'm thinking of going to the beach,
making a fresh start.
Fresh start.
This is gonna be amazing.
New town, new people, a whole new me.
I'm gonna be "Vivian the new girl"
instead of "Tickles the stripper
who jerks off guys in the supply closet."
Hey, who are you gonna be?
Seeing as how I've never jerked off a guy in a supply closet,
I'll probably just be me in a warmer climate.
But if I get a job delivering food,
I would love a uniform this time.
Always thought it would be cool to have a uniform.
Moooooooooooooooooooo!
What was that?
Oh, we just passed a field of cows.
Where are you?
The Amalfi Coast in Italy.
Just coming up on Positano.
Gorgeous.
Just gorgeous.
Whoo!
I get it now, Clooney! I get it!
Hello.
Welcome to Emmy Lou's.
I'm Vivian.
Today's special is the tilapia burger.
Shit, I was supposed to say that at the table.
Sorry. I'm new.
No, no, no. That's okay.
I-I'm just here to pick up the keys
to a place we booked online.
Bare Feet Retreat.
Hey, Boss, someone's here to pick up the keys!
- Is it just you? - No.
Uh, my... my husband's walking his dog.
Hi. I'm Tommy.
Hi. Your place looks amazing.
Oh. Thank you, but it's my mother's.
It's her income property.
She lives in Idaho, so I just hand out the keys.
Honey, the renter's here.
Did you get a chance to change the sheets
and fold the toilet paper into a point?
I thought you said they were coming tomorrow.
Oh, I was wrong.
Uh, do you think that you could...
Waddle my pregnant ass over to the beach
and pull crusty sheets off the bed
so your bitch mother can get a good Yelp review?
No, I don't.
My fiancée usually gets the place ready, but, uh...
Hor-mones.
Anyway, there should be a change of sheets in the linen closet.
And the point on the toilet paper
really only lasts one poop, so...
You found me. Come in. I got to show you something.
I caught a baby dragon.
I think that's a scorpion.
Aw, man. Seriously?
I already called a local radio station.
Uh-oh. Renters.
We should probably duck out the back.
This isn't your place?
No. They hire me to do random jobs once in a while,
so I have a key.
Your beach house is charming.
And it turns out it's perfect
for all my husband's activities.
First, he did a little big-game hunting...
Shh!
... then he visited a couple museums...
... surfed.
And now he's skydiving.
Whoo!
Aaah!
We came up to the beach because
our marriage therapist
suggested that a change of scenery
might be beneficial.
So far, no luck.
Whoa!
I'm going for a walk on the beach now!
- Do you wanna come? - I can't.
I'm gonna stick my head in the freezer
and climb the Alps.
I brought an extra pair of goggles
if you want to hold my ropes.
Whoo!
This should be enough change to cover the food,
but probably not enough for the tip.
I can fix things.
Is anything broken at your house?
I've been crashing on the beach.
Going to sleep to the sound of waves is cool,
but in the morning, it takes a good half-hour
to get the little crabs out of my hair.
Then that's it. The perfect tip.
You can stay here.
I know it's small, but I don't have peripheral vision,
so you'll have tons of privacy.
That's real nice of you,
but I think I'll stick to the beach.
I roll around a lot when I sleep,
and the sand has proven itself to be
a cost-efficient way to exfoliate.
- I'll buy you lunch. - With what?
My skills.
I blew out my flip flop.
Derek?
Tara?
Sorry to disturb you!
- Let me explain. - I don't want to hear it.
Oh, okay.
You're telling me you never masturbate?
Of course I masturbate.
We haven't had sex in four months
because you've been staying up all night
with your stupid World War II simulator.
Stupid, Tara?
6 million simulated Jews are dead.
You know, I could understand
why you'd rather see the coast of Italy than be on the freeway,
and I even understand why you'd rather go skydiving
than take a walk on the beach with me,
but when it comes to sex,
I should not have to play second fiddle
to your virtual pornography.
I am a real woman with a real vagina
and a weird little skinny strip of pubic hair
because that's what you said you like.
You're right.
You're right. I get it.
And I know I've been spending
a lot of time in the virtual world.
It's just...
About a year ago, a few weeks before I turned 40,
I started to think about
how I was halfway to 80.
My dad died when he was 80.
I realized that my life...
Could be half over.
Every minute that passed, it just...
It just felt like my life was, like, slipping away, you know?
And then you gave me these goggles for my birthday.
And all of a sudden,
I could travel to places that I had never been to.
I could do things that I had only dreamed of.
I no longer fear death because I already lived a lifetime.
I understand why you're upset.
And I don't want you to think for a second
that I'm not attracted to you.
'Cause I am.
It's just...
When you walked in on me,
I was having sex with, like, a 19-year-old Brazilian.
So I feel like if you put these goggles on
and you see what she looks like...
I don't want to see what she looks like.
No, but you need to.
You need to. See, that's the problem.
You understand what the view of the freeway looks like,
so you can understand why I'd rather be
in the Italian countryside.
So if you took one look at Ana Luiza,
then I think you would understand
why I would rather be in her.
You're an asshole!
She's covered in tattoos
and rolls her R's when she orgasms!
There's no way you can compete with that
and it's not your fault!
Here you go.
Order up.
Awesome-sauce.
What do I owe you?
Well, it only took five minutes,
but I did get shocked seven times.
So how about anything my buddy wants off the kid's menu?
Deal. Yeah. May I recommend
The Captain Pajama Pants Grouper Fingers?
I just thawed out a fresh bucket.
Mm.
I thought I wasn't supposed to talk to you anymore.
What?
- Who said that? - You did.
As soon as we got to the beach,
you told me to forget that I knew you.
Then you gave me the finger
and ran off with my popcorn popper.
Yeah, but see, that was the old me.
I've totally transformed. Like a moth.
See, I didn't even say butterfly
'cause I'm, like, totally humble now.
Who's your friend?
Bodhi?
Bodhi.
So exotic.
Introduce me. But the new me.
Remember, Tickles is dead.
Oh, oh, all right, all right, okay.
Um, Nikki, what are you doing?
I'm resting. I'm burning up.
I think the A/C is broken.
Okay. I'll take a look at it,
but you're probably hot because when you're pregnant,
the amount of blood in your body actually increases,
and the extra blood can cause a rise in body temperature.
You've been reading those new mom
- message boards again, haven't you? - Well, one of us has to.
Hey, Bodhi, could you come look at the A/C?
I'll throw in dessert for your buddy.
It was really nice meeting you.
So, what are you guys gettin' into tonight?
I don't know. Might try to catch some live music.
I like to watch and see if they mess up.
Hey, it's me.
You guys should come visit at the beach.
Pfft, this place could use some live music.
No, you can stay with me. I've got a couch.
And a popcorn popper.
And that's why I think I might finally leave him.
Tara, can you please come out?
I was hoping things would get better if I got pregnant.
I really want to be a mom,
but Derek says he can't concentrate
on being a father until after he's done with the war.
I'm sorry, okay? I was being selfish.
But I have something to show you
that I think will fix everything.
Okay, so, I did a little digging,
and there's a company in Denmark
that specializes in virtual-reality
soft-core porn for couples.
We can do this together.
So, look, the actors...
Heroin-addicted sex workers.
Tomato, tomahto. They take turns wearing goggles
equipped with cameras that capture their P.O.V.
while they're making love.
So if you wear your goggles and watch her video of him
and I wear my goggles and watch his video of her,
then we can have real-life sex together,
but it will seem like we're having sex with them!
- You're insane! - Oh, come on.
You can't tell me that you'd rather have sex with me
than take a ride on top of that stallion.
Right now, I'd rather have sex with anyone but you.
Perfect, so take your pick.
Blonde, brunette, ginger, short, tall...
- Derek, I don't... - ... Asian, black, Native American.
Go back to black.
"Things get steamy when Gina drops by her boss's house
"to water the plants and discovers a half-naked man
"tied to the bed."
I think I saw a watering can in the front.
Yes!
And you're not wearing a condom!
Okay, fine. But if you get pregnant
and I have to go AWOL on my platoon,
then Hitler wins.
So that's on you.
Okay, so, remember,
all we have to do is mimic their movements.
If they kiss, we kiss.
If they switch positions, we switch positions.
I understand. I'm not an idiot.
It's like square dancing but with screwing.
Let's do this.
Oh, my.
Who are you?
I'm here to water my boss's plants
while he's on vacation.
I'm Ronald.
Your boss is secretly in the mob
and he kidnapped me for stealing his drugs.
Oh, my.
Is that the stolen package I'm seeing in your underwear?
Why don't you come over here and find out?
Mmm.
Ow, ow, ow. You're on my knee. You're on my knee.
- You're on my knee. - Sorry.
Ow.
Oh, my.
If that's a drug,
I'm sorry, Nancy Reagan, but I can't say no.
Hmm. I thought my dick would be bigger.
Shh!
Sorry.
My screen froze.
What? Uh, well, mine's fine.
Yours is probably buffering.
The Wi-Fi isn't great here. Just... Just keep going.
Keep going.
It's working again.
I think I'm a little behind you, though.
It's fine. Just stay in character.
Hey, what are you doing to my prisoner?
Honey, how far behind are you? Do you see this?
Sorry, boss.
You should be sorry.
You're doing it all wrong.
You gotta work the balls.
No, no, no, no! Stop! Stop!
Aah! I can't look away!
I can't look away!
No! Let go of my balls!
Let go of my balls!
"... stops by her boss's house to water the plants
"and discovers a half-naked man tied to the bed."
Okay, you see where it says "more"?
You need to click on that so we can read more.
"And things really heat up
"when the boss gets home early
"and he gets in on the action."
I'm sorry. It's porn.
I wasn't anticipating a major plot twist.
- You know what? Let's just forget this. - No, no, no.
Me and Ronald have unfinished business to attend to.
He has other videos. We're picking something else.
Here we go.
"When Gina's boss, Vinnie, is killed
- "by a rival gang..." - I like it.
"... Gina and Ronald enter the exotic world of S&M."
Looks like you're getting tied up again.
All right, fine, but let's keep reading
and make sure this doesn't turn into a supernatural thriller.
I don't need Vinnie's ghost sneaking up behind me
and licking my asshole.
Pinch my nipples.
Oh, I'll pinch your nipples, bitch.
Ooh!
Ow, ow, ow!
I like it, though. Do it harder.
Shut up. Your stupid white voice is ruining it.
Choke me.
Uh-huh.
Ooh. You like that?
I love it.
Yeah. I bet you do, you little bitch.
Uh-huh.
Give it to me.
Oh.
Oh, wow.
That was amazing.
Oh, my God.
Derek.
Derek?
Aaaaaaaah!
How was it his wife said he died again?
Autoerotic asphyxiation.
What?
Autoerotic asphyxiation.
It's when you masturbate
while cutting off the flow of oxygen to your brain.
What?
He accidentally hung himself with a belt while jerking off.
The poor woman found him in the bedroom.
I hope it was that belt we gave him for Christmas.
Whoa!
? Hey, mama, hear that bell ?
? Wake yourself up, you got something to sell ?
? Working so hard to try and get paid ?
? Getting drunk on liquor at the end of the day ?
? The moon comes up, the world just spins ?
? And you start all over again ?
? Start all over again ?
? All over again, all over again ?
? All over again ?
? Save it all up, then you got to spend ?
? And you start all over again ?
? Hey, banker, where's that pin? ?
? I need a loan, won't you help me, friend? ?
- ? I don't... ? - Where are those keys?
Oh, here.
Is, uh... cash okay?
Oh, yeah. Sure. Cash is great, yeah.
It's, uh... It's Mother's property.
Usually people book online, but this way
I don't have to tell her anyone rented the place.
Just if do me a solid and don't write in the guest book.
Don't worry. We're good at keeping secrets.
? Start all over again ?
- Synced and corrected by medvidecek007 - - www.addic7ed.com -