Guess who just got her first place!
Me! Although you can't really call a tiger a place,
and also it's not my first one.
- Are you finished? - Fine.
Tell us more about your dumb thing.
My thing is not dumb.
I just finished moving my stuff into my new condo!
- What? - Congratulations.
- When do we get to see it? - Soon,
because you're all invited to my housewarming.
Well, I will be there.
Unless it's within 100 yards of a petting zoo.
Do I even want to kn...
It's exactly what you think it is.
Well, no excuses,
because it's super close.
In fact, you can see it from here.
Come on.
It's right there. The tall black building.
Right where that weird thing is flying.
The thing that's shooting space rays?
Yeah.
Ooh, that's why I rent.
- Synced and corrected by VitoSilans - -- www.Addic7ed.com --
Sources say a wormhole has opened up somewhere on Earth
and released a fleet of mysterious alien ships.
President Luthor, who was golfing at the Mar-A-Luthor,
responded in a Tweet:
"Space wall will be built, and aliens will pay for it."
How did we elect a president who tweets in all caps?
Who cares? I got a tax cut.
And I can dump whatever I want into the river.
Oh, my God. Wayne Headquarters has been hit.
I hope there weren't any casualties...
Bob Lackey's dead!
Yes!
So tragic.
He leaves behind a wife and two kids,
and a seat on Wayne Industries' board.
This is my chance!
My insurance won't cover any of the damage to my condo.
Wait, you didn't get alien insurance?
It turns out the aliens are from the future,
so they're saying technically it hasn't happened yet.
- Well, that's hard to argue. - Same thing happened to me.
I put all my savings into that condo.
I just lost everything.
All of your things fit into one condo?
Now I'm sad.
Oh, I should use this and call Bob Lackey's wife
before it wears off.
Karen, I just heard.
Oh, yes, it's sad. Can't you tell by my voice?
Oh, boy.
Door's stuck. Just enter through the hole.
- Easy. - Careful.
I like the open floor plan.
Yeah. There's so much natural light.
Yeah. A lot of that's the explosion.
All I have left is one decorative throw pillow
and my robot vacuum...
Which just committed suicide.
Well, before you get any ideas,
um, we got a little surprise for you.
Yeah. We made you a care package.
I brought you some clothes.
Aw, Wendy.
Oh! These are very... cats.
I love that sweater.
And I found you some apartments on Craigslist.
Oh, and there's even one for free if you're willing
to let someone massage your feet while you eat.
Oh, there's got to be a catch.
Aww, you guys are so sweet.
I thought this condo was the symbol
of everything I worked for this year, but I was wrong.
It's you guys.
Oh, no!
The petting zoo people know that I violated my restraining order!
I took a chance coming here! Ugh!
Just let go of the pretzel.
Yeah, but then I won't have a pretzel.
Who designed this abattoir?
Oh, my God. You're Dean West,
the chairman of Wayne Industries.
Hi. I...
May I?
Oh.
I've come from Gotham. I have something important
to talk to you about.
Yes. Um, right this way.
Oh, my God, it's happening.
I'm finally getting my promotion.
Wendy, thank you for letting me borrow this dress.
That's a sweater, and you know it's a sweater.
Why would I own a cat dress?
Emily, Van wants to see you in his office.
Great.
Emily, uh, this is Chairman West.
Nice to meet you, cat woman.
Oh, this is a loaner. Aliens blew up my condo.
Heh. Yeah.
You got the promotion?
Ms. Locke, because of the dastardly attack on Gotham,
we're gonna have to make some cuts.
He wants you to fire one of your department heads.
But that's Wendy, Teddy, and Ron.
Oh, we are inseparable.
So this was the only reason that you came from Gotham?
Was there any other board-related reason?
Nope. That's it.
I admit, it's a bit of a gratuitous cameo.
What?
The aliens, known as the Blight, continue their path
of destruction as the Justice League hunts for the wormhole
that unleashed these creatures.
But first, the story of Mubu,
the dyslexic panda who makes jewelry!
All: Aww!
What am I supposed to do?
Go up to the people I've spent a year bonding with,
who have literally given me the shirt off their back,
and say, "You're fired"?
That is exactly what you do. This is business.
I'm gonna find another way around this.
Do you even listen to me when we have these talks?
Exactly.
Van, I...
Are you wearing shorts and Ugg boots?
Yeah, I am.
They gave away my spot on the board
to Bob Lackey's weepy wife.
My life is over.
And, you know, not in the same way that Bob Lackey's is,
but it is equally as tragic.
Don't you have, like, $100 million?
Yeah. But what's that worth?
Okay. Well, the good news is,
I found tons of budget cuts,
and we can meet Mr. West's goals
without firing anyone.
Please don't eat... okay.
You know, Emily, they tell you
that if you're rich and you know the right people,
that you'll go far in life, but it is a lie!
The only thing people care about is hard work
and if you have talent.
The system's broken!
Don't look at me.
Okay, well, if it's cool with you,
I am just going to take your hand right now
and sign this budget.
There you go. Good job.
Hello, beautiful.
- That one. - Yes.
All right. I've got chemicals,
and I'm about to have electricity.
I'm gonna be the next Flash.
- Nerd. - Mm-hmm.
- Ooh, okay. - Oh! It burns!
- Look at those legs. - Where's he... where's he going?
Look at these fools. I mean, what's with the chemicals?
Everyone knows The Flash got his powers
from a radioactive cheetah.
Well, actually, the science holds up.
But if you want super-speed, you're gonna need
a way higher voltage and much stronger chemicals.
Is that true?
Well, yeah, in theory.
You should try it, Van.
Imagine the power. I can videotape it.
Oh, no, no, no, no. That's a bad idea.
Sure. Who gives a?
All right, you're gonna take this metal pole
and touch it to the electricity
right as Teddy tosses in the chemicals.
Oh, also, if you pass out, just try to land on your back.
I want people to see my podcast T-shirt.
Right.
You know, as a fellow human being,
I have to tell you this is greatly dangerous.
I used to think that the name Wayne was my superpower,
but it obviously means nothing.
But if I had actual superpowers,
then I could show all of those people who laughed at me,
and then they'd see.
Then they would all see!
Are we about to create a super villain?
Eh.
It's show time!
Aah!
Well, I do feel different.
Are you
okay?
Yeah.
I'm fine.
He's so fast!
Oh, my God! It worked!
It worked! Ooh!
Look at me! Oh, you can't look at me,
'cause I'm too fast!
Am I over here? Am I over here? Where am I?
Oh, my God! Oh! Whoo!
How'd that happen?
Bow before my speed!
Whoo-hoo!
What the hell are you doing?
Oh, you got super-speed too?
Here. Teddy Talks podcast.
Give us five stars on iTunes.
Subscribe!
That was super fun, man.
Chairman West! Uh, did you get my budget?
Yes. It was quite impressive.
We had no idea this division could be so profitable.
So, are you here to tell me I don't have to let go of anybody?
Not exactly.
Wait, they're selling the division to LexCorp?
You're selling us to our rival!
See, Emily? That's how you fire someone.
Thanks, Jackie. But why?
I showed you how profitable we could be.
Exactly. That's why the sale went through.
Apparently they've been looking for a buyer
over the last year, and the numbers didn't work out
until you came along.
But what's gonna happen to our jobs?
Will this ragtag band of plucky performers
keep their precious positions?
Or, will they be thrown to the wolves?
Find out next week!
What's next week?
Oh, that's when the head of HR gets back from vacation.
Look. They're calling us into LexCorp tomorrow.
They wouldn't do that just to fire us.
Yeah, she's right, you know? We have a unique skill set.
We're irreplaceable.
Guys, the LexCorp R&D team is here.
They wanted to say hello.
Hi. I'm Emma. This is our chief design officer, Freddie,
our head engineer, Don,
and Wanda, our lead software engineer.
If a parole officer named Sam Clarke asks,
I wasn't in Charm City.
Your parole officer is Sam too?
Freaky.
So nice to meet you.
So, we're not unique, and we're all getting fired.
You know, none of this would've happened
if I had just fired one of them.
Well, it's a tough decision to make.
It was gonna be Wendy.
Well, we might all be losing our jobs,
but it doesn't mean we won't still see each other.
I mean, we're family.
Oh, honey,
we're not family.
We're all work buddies.
Sure, we'll say we're gonna keep in touch,
but we're not gonna see each other until one of us dies.
Which is gonna be Wendy.
You know what? You're wrong.
This is a bond for life.
See you at Wendy's funeral.
Idiots.
Guys, this place is perfect.
It's a shame we're only here to get fired.
What? Ha-ha! Oh!
The only thing I didn't like about nachos was
having to go get them.
But they solved it. They really solved it!
I don't know about you, but I'm making a play to stay.
Oh, my God, Van, did you shave your head
just to suck up to Lex Luthor?
Emily, this is a fresh start for me.
All right? I got a new ass to kiss, a new nose to brown.
If anyone asks,
I have always been bald.
Hey, guys!
Welcome to LexCorp!
Yeah! All right,
I see you already dipped into some nachos.
Here's a little fun fact: our queso is actually made
from a nutritional yeast,
which means no calories!
- Wow! - Oh!
Yeah, yeah, this place is great.
Just put us out of our misery.
Are you experiencing misery? Because we actually have
some therapeutic dolphins you can swim with.
Hey, quit messing with us, man!
We know we're redundant and we're getting fired.
Fired? Why would we fire you?
You don't buy the Emporium and then fire Mr. Magorium!
- What? - I boycotted that movie.
You don't name a character Magorium
just so it rhymes with Emporium.
That's just a cheat. that movie.
- Yes. - Um, could you just go back
to what you were saying before?
We're keeping our jobs?
Absolutely, you're keeping your jobs.
In fact, we're creating an entire division just for you.
Basically, anything that your big brains think of,
we're gonna build.
Jackie's gonna love this place.
Oh, well, we might have to figure out
a way around that one.
We don't hire assistants here.
So, Jackie won't be working here?
- Uh, no. - That's fine.
We don't care.
This place is so fancy.
You know, instead of toilet paper,
they have these expensive Egyptian cotton towels?
No, Ron. They definitely have toilet paper.
- Oh, dear. - Anyway,
this LexCorp takeover is the best thing
that has ever happened to us.
There you guys are. I felt it out with Russell,
and I think if we all band together and say
we're not going to take the jobs unless they hire Jackie too,
they'll give in.
We just have to be willing to walk away.
Do we look like people who are willing to walk away?
I mean, I don't even know where my pants are. Anybody else?
Van, she's taken care of your entire life
for ten years.
You know what? I don't even remember
what Jackie looks like anymore.
Hey, who here wants to go swimming with dolphins?
- This guy! - Yes!
Ooh. Jesus Christ!
Oh, that is not the dolphin room.
Ha!
Oh, my God. This is a wormhole.
This place has everything!
Yeah. Wow.
I think this is the wormhole everyone's looking for.
Oh, my God. LexCorp's behind this?
Hold on. Hold on. We don't know
that this is the evil wormhole.
There's only one way to find out.
Cha-kah!
- No! - No, no, no!
Well, Wendy's dead.
Whoa.
Well, that was definitely the evil wormhole.
I was in the land of Scartarus for two years.
I became a warlord. I freed a nation of slaves.
It was so cool.
Why did you come back?
Oh, I got to see that last season of "Game of Thrones."
It's gonna be crazy.
- Oh, yeah. - Yeah.
We have to shut this thing off.
- Yep. - Ohh, oh, oh, oh!
Slow down, there, Erin Brockovich!
Now, every company does morally questionable things.
Sometimes it's fuzzy accounting.
Sometimes it's a wormhole
that releases evil aliens
that are bent on destroying the earth.
Nobody's perfect!
Aww!
You guys discovered the evil wormhole!
- What wormhole? - No. Don't do that.
You saw it. I know you saw it, 'cause I saw you see it.
- All right. - All right?
This is unfortunate. Now we got to kill you guys.
- What? - You are going to die.
But not all bad.
Some good news: it's gonna be painless,
it's gonna be humane, and your bodies are gonna be
turned into no-calorie cheese!
- Oh! - Oh.
Cheese!
All right, so, I'm gonna give you guys
just a few minutes to say your final good-byes,
and then you get to select which cheese you want to become!
Russell, come on! Deal with me, man!
I got houses. I got boats.
Hmm. Sorry, guys, but President Luthor is
really set on destroying the world.
Plus I've already entered your deaths into the system,
so, you know how it goes.
All right.
Guys, we've got to do something.
There's nothing to do!
Things don't always have a happy ending.
Things aren't always warm and fuzzy friendship,
blah, blah, blah.
Sometimes you just die,
and then you get turned into cheese.
Oh, my God, I just realized
I ate four people's worth of nachos.
That's disgusting.
I refuse to believe this is how we end.
How about a round of applause for our euthanasia guy, Esteban?
- Boo! Boo! - Nope.
He has a bunch of poisonous scents in here
that you can inhale.
The lavender is very calming, I'm told.
Hey.
Oh, my God.
Jackie, are you The Flash?
No. These dummies gave me superpowers.
It worked!
How did you even find us?
I saw on Emily's Twitter account
that you guys were at LexCorp,
so I searched all the rooms at super-speed,
got a fro-yo, went to California,
learned jiu-jitsu, which is how I knocked out these guys,
and then I found you.
Aww, you follow me on Twitter?
You know who else does? My family.
And also Taye Diggs, for some reason.
He's following everybody.
- Yeah. - All right. Fine.
I like all of you guys enough
that I didn't want any of you to die.
- Aww! - Aww!
- You! - Aw.
It's sweet that you think that's a high bar.
Yeah.
Uh, guys, we should shut this down
before it destroys the Earth.
- Oh, right, right. - I got it.
What if Jackie runs around it with her super-speed,
and the speed force will repair the fabric of space-time?
Or that.
Jackie, you saved the world and you saved our lives.
You deserve a break... of seven to ten minutes,
and then get me out of these handcuffs!
And go get me a wig.
Congressional Republicans voted
not to impeach President Luthor
in spite of his comically evil plan to destroy the Earth.
In other news,
what if I told you these earrings
were made by a panda?
So you have super-speed, and you're not gonna use it?
No. I hate it.
You get a bunch of bugs in your teeth,
it's murder on your shoes,
and I don't have any excuses now for being late.
Yeah, but you used it for us.
And it just occurred to me that our jobs ended,
and we're still hanging out.
Of course we are. I don't need some dumb job
to hang out with my friends.
Yeah, I've been trying for a long time
to be accepted by a cooler group,
but I think this is my ceiling,
and I'm okay with that.
Well, hey, whatever happens,
we'll have each other.
A round of hugs, on me.
Ouch!
I might use my power occasionally.
Hey, screw it. Let's all go to the petting zoo!
- Yeah! - Come on!
What will become of our little gang of scrappy underdogs?
Will Bruce Wayne bail out our heroes?
Or will the treacherous Lex Luthor seek revenge?
What do you think, tree?
You always tell me the truth.
Why is he talking to a plant?
Are we sure he even works here?
You know, we might still have our jobs.
I'm gonna call Bruce.
- Synced and corrected by VitoSilans - -- www.Addic7ed.com --