I turned 12 in the summer of 1972...
an awesome time to be a kid.
It was the Wild West.
Bike helmets hadn't been invented yet or car seatbelts
or even normal adult supervision.
Dads weren't around as much as they are now.
Mine was too busy with his job at a big defense contractor,
keeping our neighborhood safe from North Vietnamese invasion.
And my mom was busy running the house.
She had a lot on her plate.
Did I mention we were Catholics?
There were eight of us kids, all boys.
That was a lot of testosterone for one house,
and it was about to become even more.
I just said that one of them
would have to give up their bed to Lawrence
- for the summer. - Knock it off.
You are not gonna ruin your brother's homecoming.
My dad was so excited because my oldest brother, Lawrence,
filled an obligation all big Catholic families felt...
sending a son to the seminary.
Having a future priest
was a big source of status for our family,
putting us way ahead of the Harrigans.
12 kids, and all they came up with was a nun.
But having Lawrence back from college
made me, the needy middle child,
feel more forgotten than ever.
This is my body,
which will be given up for you.
That was the day I famously decided to upstage God.
What the hell is wrong with that kid?
You made a spectacle of yourself in there.
You should be ashamed of yourself.
My family just couldn't appreciate
my lively sense of showmanship.
Clearly, I would need to look
- for a wider, more sophisticated audience. - _
_
Yes.
Yes, I do.
? I am I, Don Quixote ?
? The Lord of La Mancha ?
? My destiny calls, and I go ?
How's college going anyway, college man?
- Uh, it's... - There's food!
School's okay. I took a math class last semester.
They teach math there, too?
Hey. You're embarrassing yourself.
St. Joe's is a fully-accredited university.
You get into Pythagoras' theorem yet?
It's a hell of a theorem, Pythagoras'.
Yeah. I'm a fan.
Bless us, O Lord, and these, Thy gifts...
Which we are about to receive
from Thy bounty through Christ our Lord. Amen.
- Careful. - This ketchup tastes funny.
It's only different because Mom made it,
and then she put it in the regular bottle.
- Mom made the ketchup? - What, His Majesty's so fancy now
he can only eat store-bought ketchup?
Lawrence, I want to pick your brain
about how young people see our president.
I find it informative hearing all points of view.
Nixon's in the pocket of big business.
Nobody asked you, fathead.
Joey, make room for your brother.
Hey, I wasn't done with my pork chop.
Eat it over the sink.
I mean, is Nixon even on the level?
I mean, what about that Watergate break-in?
No, no. Nixon had nothing to do with that.
You know what I call Watergate?
That's phony news.
Would you tell him to cut that racket?
Sorry. I didn't mean to upset you.
- I'm not upset. - You seem pretty upset.
- You want to stay out of this? - You know what?
I actually, uh, promised I'd drop in and see my friend AJ,
and I promised to go right now,
so I'm gonna go get changed.
? The Lord of La Mancha ?
? A name... ?
Hey. Mom, I have to learn these songs.
Why, so you can scare away bats?
No one wants to hear you caterwauling.
- What is this? - N... nothing.
Just having fun.
Well, stop that.
What are you really doing?
Okay, I'll tell you, but it's a secret.
I'm auditioning for a very prestigious
children's theater in Hollywood.
- Mom! - No!
Why can't I?
'Cause nobody's driving you to Hollyweird
- to be in some ridiculous show. - I could take a bus
- or hitchhike. - You know I don't approve that,
wasting good money on buses.
Look at me. I'm Timmy. I'm special.
Yeah, no, sorry. We do not have the wherewithal in this family
for any of you kids to be special.
And thank goodness you mostly turned out uninteresting,
like Frank here.
Hey. Here's a summer project... foreign missions.
Poor pagan babies are starving to death,
and the church needs money to save them
by baptizing them before they die.
Something's yours around here,
you really got to hold onto it, okay?
Mommy, my lungs hurt. I have asthma.
No, you don't. We can't afford asthma.
That's just smog. Go back outside and play.
- Going to bingo tonight with Dad. - Ooh, he's got you
wearing your collar like his prize poodle.
Hey, I don't mind you being the favorite.
It's less pressure on the rest of us not to suck.
Ah, well, I might be stepping off the pedestal soon.
I'm not just home for the summer.
I'm thinking about not going back to the seminary at all, man.
Mike and Peggy won't like that.
Well, it's my decision, my life.
You think so? Seriously?
I'm the next in line, so if you don't join the priesthood,
they'll definitely make me.
When Notre Dame beat Michigan State,
Dad promised God one priest.
- Just tell 'em "no." - I'm not you.
I don't get to grow my hair and argue politics with Dad.
Don't do this.
I've got a girlfriend now,
a secret girlfriend, and she's really cool,
but not so cool that she'll keep making out with me
once I'm Father Eddie.
Just tell 'em the truth. They can handle it.
No way! Mom would wig out.
Mom must never know.
Then you shouldn't talk so loudly
- right next to the bathroom. - You didn't hear a thing.
Mm, I'll have to sleep on that,
tonight, in my own bed.
You'll like it where I've been sleeping...
under the dining room table.
You can still smell where the dog died.
Narc!
Aaaaah!
Excuse me, Mama.
You should probably know that Frank and Edd...
Eddie's killing Frank!
Ow!
As ignored as I was generally,
I was absolutely invisible
whenever my brothers were fighting,
so, really, most of the time.
There's... cat... poop... in... here.
Ugh!
Hi, I was interested in auditioning for your show.
As the star...
or some other very large role?
Performing experience?
Well, uh, nothing you'd have seen.
I... Oh! I sing the Oscar Meyer Wiener song
whenever relatives come over.
It's very good.
I'll explain.
- I heard the whole thing. - No, stop.
I should be the one to tell them.
Mom, Dad, um...
... I'm thinking about leaving the seminary,
- not becoming a priest. - What?!
- What? - What?
I'm sorry. I didn't hear the priest part.
All I heard about was Eddie's secret girlfriend.
I know this feels like a big deal right now...
Eddie has a secret girlfriend?
How long has this been going on?
I've been weighing the decision for a while now.
I was talking about Eddie's girlfriend. I'd like to meet this person.
I seriously hate you.
I already knew you were up to something.
Remember, I do your laundry.
What are you planning on studying instead?
- Me, for starters. - "Me."
And not in any classroom, but out experiencing the world, you know?
M... maybe I'll backpack across Europe.
I backpacked across Europe when I was your age,
- except there were Germans shooting at me. - You were actually younger,
and you forged Grandpa's signature to enlist
because you believed in what you were doing.
Hey, you want to kill Germans?
I'll sign the papers right now.
Lawrence isn't killing any Germans!
He's gonna be a priest! Or somebody is.
If not him, Eddie for sure.
Right now, you need to get down to that church and help Father Dunne.
The man has diabetes!
You're right. I made a commitment,
a word that you might want to look up
in that new collegiate dictionary
that we had to buy you for 22 bucks
because our old dictionary didn't contain hip new lingo
like "Congressperson" and "gorp."
I will see you...
at bingo.
And get a haircut!
It was that easy.
One phone call,
and I found my first paying show-business job...
"paying" meaning I had to pay.
I had more money than this.
You had 9 bucks, an Abba-Zaba,
and a picture...
of Laurie Partridge.
What happened to my money, Joey?
I saw Jethro Tull at The Forum on Saturday.
That man don't blow his flute for free.
I have an audition tomorrow!
It costs 40 bucks!
Take a chill pill.
Hang on.
Let's reconvene where there's a modicum of privacy.
10 minutes, in my office.
Bring ice.
I've given some thought to your money problem.
My problem is you stealing my money.
You're really going to have to let that go.
My suggestion is take your little mission box
up to the rich, douchebag neighborhood
and ring a few douchebag doors.
With your big brown eyes and big round head,
you'll clear 40 bucks in an hour.
That money's for the pagan babies.
Rich people don't care.
They get off on giving their dough away.
They just want to feel good about themselves
and get you the hell off their porch.
A normal family, I could just ask Mom or Dad,
but Dad's too cheap.
If he could, Dad would enjoy tossing his dough around,
taking us all out to a Ponderosa Steakhouse, say,
or Sizzler.
But that Great Depression thing
always kicks in, and, instead,
we come home to the taste of fried bologna
and sadness.
Okay, blow. I got things to do.
Dad let Joey build a tree house
because he liked that Joey wanted to use his hands.
He had no idea how much.
Look... No more holes.
And so groovy.
You'd be right at home at a love-in.
Hey, that's the style these days.
Trust me... ratty dungarees with patches.
Well, you certainly get it.
Mom, this is my girlfriend, Wendi.
Girlfriend.
Eddie has a girlfriend.
- How come? - I'm sorry?
Oh, no need to be sorry.
Look, I love Eddie. Well, I love all my boys.
I have to. But how on earth would Eddie get a girlfriend?
Lots of kids our age are going together.
Yeah, but not with Eddie.
How long have you two known each other?
- A... around four months. - Ah, see, that explains it.
I always say it takes four and a half months
before you really see the flaws in a person.
Now you can move on to some other boy,
and I just saved you two weeks.
I think you are amazing, Mrs. Cleary.
Running this home is a huge managerial achievement.
Modern women look up to Indira Gandhi and Golda Meir,
but those who choose a domestic career
are no less viable a role model.
I mean, that's just silly. I'm no role model.
Though, I would like to see Golda handle all my housework
and still make franks and beans for Mister Meir.
You're so slim, Wendi.
I'm gonna make you a shift.
I have this Dacron fabric. It is so colorful.
It's like an LSD acid trip.
- I wouldn't know. - Correct answer.
Come with me. Let's take your measurements.
Good night.
Thank you so much, ma'am, on behalf of the foreign missions.
So, listen,
there's another good cause I wondered
if you might give to. Um...
I've always had this dream of singing and dancing in shows.
I-17.
As in what you never want to hear the girl say.
"I 17."
Good luck to you.
You came.
I'm glad.
Oh, I've spotted Lawrence Cleary,
our handsome seminarian.
Mike, could you have your son call some numbers
and give this old voice a rest?
Back off, girls. That part of his life is over.
Okay.
G-50.
As in, "Gee, where have the last 50 years gone?"
Well, I'll tell you where they went.
Me calling bingo numbers. Whoo!
I-20. That would be I-20.
I-20.
As in I am 20,
which means I'm an adult.
But am I really an adult if I can't even stand up
for who I am and what I want to be?
Dad, I'm sorry. I don't want to be a priest,
and I'm dropping out of the seminary.
Bingo!
He's quitting, and he said it in front of the whole bingo.
There is no putting the toothpaste back in the tube.
Don't be silly.
I've been refilling that same Pepsodent for years.
I don't get it.
Priesthood was always his idea
since he was little, not mine.
Remember his 10th birthday
where all he asked for was a chalice?
How'd you leave things with him?
Ah, he's staying with his friend AJ.
- And where does he live? - Don't know. Don't care.
In Burbank, across from Shafer Field.
Thanks. Okay.
After work, you go make things right with him.
You're telling me what to do now?
I am, when you're being dumb.
Mike, I know I'm not up on current events
like Nixon a... a... and Pythagoras,
but I am smart when it comes to this house and these kids.
Some might even say I'm a role model.
- Who might say that? - Some!
There's a whole generation gap happening out there,
which I know more about 'cause I watch "Sonny and Cher,"
but I will not have any gaps in my house with my boys.
The truth is, I never really cared
about Lawrence being a priest.
I don't care what any of my kids do,
- as long as... - I know, "as long as they're happy."
Oh, I don't even care about them being happy.
I just want them around.
They'll scatter to the four winds soon enough.
I won't have you pushing one of them out the door.
I'll take it under advisement.
I might go for a drive after work tonight.
Clear my head.
No particular destination.
- Across from Shafer Field. - Shut up.
I'm off to save more souls.
You're not going anywhere...
without your mission box.
Nice work. There's a lot of money there.
Now, I know this wasn't the summer you pictured,
but you did well, and honestly, Timmy,
if you had any talent at all, I think I would've noticed.
Thanks, Mom. I should go.
Hey, bring William with you, okay?
You haven't ventured outside in days.
You're gonna get rickets.
Mommy?
Will I get rickets, too?
Oh, Pat...
maybe.
Lawrence, I think it's your dad.
I guess there's no pretending you're AJ's mom.
Mom, Timmy's not out
collecting for the foreign missions.
He's auditioning for the stupid show you told him not to.
That kid is a mental case.
And, Frank,
about you being such a big tattle-tale...
Thank you. Eddie, watch the baby! Frank, keys.
William.
Am I a good singer?
No, but confidence helps.
You really seem to have a lot of it.
God only knows why.
And with one tug of a disarmingly sticky door handle,
I took my first step into show business.
What are we doing out here?
You know a lot of people saw me get in the car with you, right?
You quit the seminary over a girl?
No. AJ's a recent development.
I don't even know what's going on there, to be honest.
Oh, don't worry. She'll figure it out and tell you.
You know, this isn't about celibacy, Dad.
There are big changes right now, and I want
- to be a part of them. - Hey, trust me, I know about the changes, okay?
Your mother watches "Sonny and Cher."
Look, you've been jerking our chain
about this priest thing for years, all right?
And maybe...
I got excited
because it's respectable.
It's certainly a step up for the Clearys.
My dad worked his whole life in a coal mine.
That man never had two...
Whoa. Whoa!
There she is... the LGM Minuteman III.
Wait, it's going to the moon?
Yeah, we're sending a nuclear warhead to blow up the moon.
We're fed up with tides and women's periods.
It's a test.
She'll ditch in the ocean 800 miles that way,
maybe take out a few sea otters.
You know, for something so dreadful,
which I abhor on principle,
it's pretty cool.
Did you build it?
Son, I am a machinist.
Engineers, the scientists,
they figure out what they need.
I grind a few pieces on a lathe...
grommets, some sheeting.
They're down there right now,
my bosses, the big brains that took us to the moon, and...
they own the future.
I'm just a guy holding their coats...
because I didn't go to college.
Look, if you are
determined to quit the seminary...
... might I suggest some version of a college degree?
My father, Michael Lawrence Cleary,
he scratched at the earth for a living.
I want my sons reaching for the stars.
You know...
... there's a tiny fixed nozzle with the TVC system
on the third-stage booster when it separates.
It's just a few centimeters.
It has to hold up against 400,000 PSI.
There you go.
I made that nozzle.
Screw it.
Let's get some waffles.
Our revels now are ended.
These are our actors.
The solemn temple, the great Globe itself,
yea, all which it inherits...
Maybe you can get your 40 bucks back.
Oh, those sneakers look like Eddie's size.
We should come back later with a ladder.
Okay. Next up is...
Timmy Cleary.
Do you have sheet music?
Never mind. Just, uh...
You'll be fine.
? Sing ?
? Sing a song ?
? Sing out loud ?
? Sing out strong ?
? Sing of good things
? Not bad ?
? Sing of happy ?
? Not sad ?
? Sing ?
? Sing a song ?
? Make it simple ?
? To last your whole life long ?
? Don't worry that it's not good enough ?
? For anyone else to hear ?
? Just sing ?
? Sing a song ?
? Sing ?
? Sing a song ?
? Let the world ?
? Sing along ?
Okay, we should go.
But... But what about Timmy disobeying?
- What about him wasting 40... - He's excellent.
? Sing for you and ?
? For me ?
? Sing ?
People remember the 1970s as a tense and divisive time
with war and Watergate
and the generations pulling against each other,
but I think back on my ridiculous family,
and it gives me hope for today
that tense times are something we just have to go through
once in a while to come out the other side
a changed, more accepting world.
? Sing a song! ?
Time to try on your pantaloons, milord.
It's stupid going to all this trouble.
- He's the understudy. - An excellent understudy.
You heard him sing. He's practically an Osmond.
- I'm a heartbeat away from the star. - And anything could happen.
That boy could get sick or he could fall
and break a leg on the way to rehearsal.
And if no one else was around,
who's to say if he fell or got pushed.
- Right, Joey? - Kid sounds like a klutz to me.
You'll need to point him out.
? I am I, Don Quixote ?
? The Lord of La Mancha ?
? A name all the world soon will... ?
- Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -