1
00:00:03,450 --> 00:00:04,450
Morning.

2
00:00:04,460 --> 00:00:07,150
- Morning.
- Good morning.

3
00:00:07,220 --> 00:00:10,720
It is a great morning, isn't it?

4
00:00:14,000 --> 00:00:16,560
Any reason why you're pouring
rum on your pancakes?

5
00:00:16,630 --> 00:00:18,940
Any reason why your breath smells like

6
00:00:18,960 --> 00:00:20,530
a graveyard port-o-potty?

7
00:00:20,570 --> 00:00:23,270
- Oh.
- Oh.

8
00:00:23,340 --> 00:00:25,340
It's the morning, Margaret.

9
00:00:25,410 --> 00:00:27,740
Yeah, he's a post-breakfast brusher.

10
00:00:27,810 --> 00:00:30,680
Oh, why does his breath smell
like that at dinner, too?

11
00:00:30,710 --> 00:00:33,250
- Whoa.
- Whoa.

12
00:00:33,310 --> 00:00:37,300
Margaret, you're pouring
rum on your pancakes.

13
00:00:37,320 --> 00:00:38,720
You're lashing out at Hank,

14
00:00:38,790 --> 00:00:41,790
for what is admittedly a problem.

15
00:00:41,860 --> 00:00:43,560
What's going on with you?

16
00:00:43,620 --> 00:00:46,360
Nothing. I'm great.

17
00:00:46,430 --> 00:00:49,760
Oh, well, that's really a
relief to hear. Good for you.

18
00:00:49,830 --> 00:00:52,460
You weren't very good as a
parent, were you, Charlie?

19
00:00:52,530 --> 00:00:54,179
I think I was; I mean,

20
00:00:54,180 --> 00:00:56,040
they all sued me, but none of them won.

21
00:00:57,870 --> 00:01:00,310
No, seriously, Margaret,
what is going on with you?

22
00:01:01,340 --> 00:01:03,640
There's the birthday girl.

23
00:01:03,680 --> 00:01:05,410
Happy 65th.

24
00:01:05,480 --> 00:01:07,780
- Oh.
- Oh.

25
00:01:07,850 --> 00:01:11,380
Okay, let's just don't
make a big deal of this.

26
00:01:11,450 --> 00:01:12,580
Of course not.

27
00:01:12,650 --> 00:01:15,000
We got a dusty crusty right here!

28
00:01:16,560 --> 00:01:18,290
All right, gang. We're gonna sing

29
00:01:18,300 --> 00:01:21,220
my favorite song ever written.
"Happy Birthday."

30
00:01:21,230 --> 00:01:22,230
? Happy... ?

31
00:01:22,240 --> 00:01:24,130
You really need to go.

32
00:01:24,740 --> 00:01:28,200
Okay, please, just nobody say
another word about my birthday.

33
00:01:30,300 --> 00:01:33,410
? 65! 65! ?

34
00:01:33,470 --> 00:01:38,440
? Our favorite girl is still alive. ?

35
00:01:43,480 --> 00:01:44,850
Bad time?

36
00:02:02,800 --> 00:02:07,440
- Synced & corrected by MementMori -
-- www.addic7ed.com --

37
00:02:08,740 --> 00:02:11,840
Ma'am, you are being unreasonable.

38
00:02:11,910 --> 00:02:14,280
No, you're being
unreasonable, ma'am. Ma'am?

39
00:02:14,300 --> 00:02:16,270
Get this, they won't take the cake back

40
00:02:16,280 --> 00:02:18,820
once you've been inside of it.

41
00:02:18,890 --> 00:02:20,439
So I guess I'm out $400

42
00:02:20,440 --> 00:02:22,289
because somebody doesn't like birthdays.

43
00:02:22,290 --> 00:02:26,180
Well, I'm sorry. I'm just not
excited about being a senior.

44
00:02:26,200 --> 00:02:27,560
There's something about that word.

45
00:02:27,630 --> 00:02:30,530
For the first time in
my life, I feel... old.

46
00:02:30,560 --> 00:02:31,676
Well, too bad there isn't something

47
00:02:31,700 --> 00:02:33,580
to make you feel childlike
and young like,

48
00:02:33,600 --> 00:02:34,870
oh, I don't know, a cake!

49
00:02:36,740 --> 00:02:39,710
Who says being a senior means
you're old? We're seniors.

50
00:02:39,770 --> 00:02:41,870
And we're in the primes of our lives.

51
00:02:41,910 --> 00:02:46,080
And I tell you som...

52
00:02:50,120 --> 00:02:52,550
I happen to like being a senior.

53
00:02:52,590 --> 00:02:55,820
Nobody liked this sweater
when I was a teenager.

54
00:02:55,890 --> 00:02:58,660
I don't consider myself a senior at all.

55
00:02:58,730 --> 00:03:01,560
I count my age from when
I came out to my wife

56
00:03:01,600 --> 00:03:03,530
and my new life began.

57
00:03:03,600 --> 00:03:06,600
New Year's Eve 1999.

58
00:03:06,670 --> 00:03:09,440
I was so scared about that Y2K,

59
00:03:09,460 --> 00:03:11,380
I just... blurted it out.

60
00:03:12,410 --> 00:03:15,160
Far as I'm concerned, I'm 18.

61
00:03:15,480 --> 00:03:17,260
Barely legal.

62
00:03:18,250 --> 00:03:20,500
Is that when you started dressing like

63
00:03:20,520 --> 00:03:22,680
an ice cream cone with extra sprinkles?

64
00:03:22,750 --> 00:03:25,180
Ooh.

65
00:03:25,250 --> 00:03:27,960
Ooh-ooh. I know what this is about.

66
00:03:28,160 --> 00:03:29,760
Hank, it's 'cause she's a woman.

67
00:03:29,820 --> 00:03:31,260
Excuse me?

68
00:03:31,330 --> 00:03:33,280
Shh. Margaret, I'm talking to Hank.

69
00:03:33,790 --> 00:03:36,400
You see, men age gracefully.

70
00:03:36,460 --> 00:03:38,599
As we get older we become either

71
00:03:38,600 --> 00:03:40,469
distinguished fancy men

72
00:03:40,470 --> 00:03:42,300
or grizzled cowboys.

73
00:03:42,370 --> 00:03:45,760
Or in my case, a grizzled fancy man.

74
00:03:46,940 --> 00:03:50,260
Whereas with women,
it's either invisible

75
00:03:50,280 --> 00:03:52,380
or scary forest witch.

76
00:03:52,410 --> 00:03:54,610
Oh, screw you.

77
00:03:54,680 --> 00:03:56,420
What? I didn't say it.

78
00:03:56,440 --> 00:03:59,890
I'm just repeating what
society told me, Margaret.

79
00:03:59,950 --> 00:04:02,440
My boy is right. You're not old.

80
00:04:02,560 --> 00:04:04,250
You're just upset because society

81
00:04:04,260 --> 00:04:05,890
has tricked you into
thinking you're old.

82
00:04:05,960 --> 00:04:08,960
Did you just mansplain
gender politics to me?

83
00:04:09,030 --> 00:04:10,960
Baby. Baby, baby, listen.

84
00:04:11,000 --> 00:04:13,530
I don't think you're using the
term, "mansplaining" properly.

85
00:04:13,570 --> 00:04:16,170
Are you mansplaining
"mansplaining" to me?

86
00:04:16,240 --> 00:04:18,500
Don't answer. It's a trick.

87
00:04:18,570 --> 00:04:22,880
Well, I am certainly excited to
become a scary forest witch.

88
00:04:22,920 --> 00:04:25,280
I'm just sorry you guys
won't be around to see it

89
00:04:25,300 --> 00:04:27,510
with your short little male life spans.

90
00:04:27,580 --> 00:04:29,180
But here's a preview for you.

91
00:04:29,220 --> 00:04:31,150
You're old, Hank!

92
00:04:31,220 --> 00:04:33,750
You're all old!

93
00:04:33,790 --> 00:04:35,920
And now, if you'll excuse me,

94
00:04:35,940 --> 00:04:38,519
I'm gonna go whip up some
Long Island Iced Teas

95
00:04:38,520 --> 00:04:40,130
in my cauldron!

96
00:04:45,630 --> 00:04:47,270
You know what we need to do?

97
00:04:47,330 --> 00:04:51,440
Yep, grab a couple flasks
and go hit that cauldron.

98
00:04:51,510 --> 00:04:54,170
We need to take her out
for a night on the town

99
00:04:54,240 --> 00:04:56,140
and convince her that she is wrong,

100
00:04:56,210 --> 00:04:59,440
that we are not old and
that my breath smells good.

101
00:04:59,510 --> 00:05:01,099
I'm in.

102
00:05:01,100 --> 00:05:04,400
I mean, you would think that a $400 cake

103
00:05:04,460 --> 00:05:07,050
would have cheered her
up, but I'm over it.

104
00:05:07,120 --> 00:05:08,690
I am over it.

105
00:05:08,760 --> 00:05:10,320
You know, it's about respect.

106
00:05:10,390 --> 00:05:12,990
It's just...

107
00:05:22,570 --> 00:05:24,170
? Her name is Margaret ?

108
00:05:24,240 --> 00:05:25,840
? She's 65 ?

109
00:05:25,910 --> 00:05:27,410
? She likes to party ?

110
00:05:27,470 --> 00:05:29,240
? She don't take no jive ?

111
00:05:29,310 --> 00:05:30,710
? Go, Margaret ?

112
00:05:30,780 --> 00:05:32,660
? Go, Margaret, go, Margaret ?

113
00:05:32,680 --> 00:05:35,180
? Go, Margaret, go,
Margaret, go, Margaret ?

114
00:05:35,250 --> 00:05:37,500
? Go, Margaret, go, Margaret. ?

115
00:05:37,540 --> 00:05:38,566
Are you all right?

116
00:05:38,590 --> 00:05:40,590
What the hell is this?

117
00:05:40,650 --> 00:05:42,300
Margaret, put the liquor down.

118
00:05:42,320 --> 00:05:43,990
We're taking you out to get drunk.

119
00:05:44,060 --> 00:05:47,140
No, you guys, I am fine
with my P-booze-and-J.

120
00:05:47,200 --> 00:05:50,640
And what the hell are you guys wearing?

121
00:05:50,740 --> 00:05:53,200
You look like extras in
the "Beat It" video.

122
00:05:53,230 --> 00:05:54,670
This is Ver-sace.

123
00:05:54,740 --> 00:05:56,270
You mean Versace?

124
00:05:56,340 --> 00:05:58,580
No, I mean Ver-sace, I
couldn't afford the "ace."

125
00:05:59,840 --> 00:06:01,740
We're taking you out for
a good old-fashioned

126
00:06:01,760 --> 00:06:02,770
young person's night.

127
00:06:02,840 --> 00:06:06,350
I don't think young people call
it "young person's night."

128
00:06:06,410 --> 00:06:09,380
And I know they don't wear fanny packs.

129
00:06:09,450 --> 00:06:11,680
Well, they should, 'cause
there's everything in here

130
00:06:11,700 --> 00:06:12,780
a young person could want.

131
00:06:12,800 --> 00:06:15,100
There's reading glasses,
comfort insoles,

132
00:06:15,120 --> 00:06:16,290
rolling papers,

133
00:06:16,360 --> 00:06:19,090
calcium toffee chews for strong bones.

134
00:06:19,160 --> 00:06:21,040
You got my breath mints, right?

135
00:06:21,060 --> 00:06:22,590
Ooh, I hope so.

136
00:06:24,130 --> 00:06:26,400
Guys, let me hide from my birthday

137
00:06:26,440 --> 00:06:28,220
the way I want to, okay?

138
00:06:28,300 --> 00:06:30,720
I'm gonna finish my
little P-booze-and-J.

139
00:06:30,740 --> 00:06:33,070
I'm gonna make a little
beer-rito for dinner.

140
00:06:33,140 --> 00:06:35,840
I'm gonna pound five or six
cocktails for dessert.

141
00:06:35,880 --> 00:06:37,810
Make a little nightcap
and I'm off to bed.

142
00:06:37,880 --> 00:06:39,940
You can eat all that crap tomorrow.

143
00:06:39,960 --> 00:06:41,480
Hell, we'll even eat it with you.

144
00:06:41,550 --> 00:06:44,080
But tonight, you're gonna have
the best birthday of your life.

145
00:06:44,120 --> 00:06:47,290
Put. This. On.

146
00:06:49,020 --> 00:06:52,990
Welcome to the coolest jazz
club in all of suburban Tucson:

147
00:06:53,060 --> 00:06:55,760
Ronnie's Swing Time Cafe.

148
00:06:55,830 --> 00:06:58,100
I'm gonna make sure we
all get taken care of

149
00:06:58,140 --> 00:07:01,170
'cause, you know, I know Ronnie.

150
00:07:01,240 --> 00:07:04,150
Wow, Hank, I had no idea
you were such a big shot

151
00:07:04,200 --> 00:07:06,970
in the outer metropolitan
nightlife world.

152
00:07:07,040 --> 00:07:09,510
You know, uh, Prince came
up in here one night.

153
00:07:09,540 --> 00:07:11,640
And I, myself, gave him directions

154
00:07:11,660 --> 00:07:13,140
to the club he was trying to get to.

155
00:07:14,010 --> 00:07:15,770
Can you hold this ChapStick?

156
00:07:15,800 --> 00:07:18,820
'Cause it's standing room
only in these pants.

157
00:07:18,890 --> 00:07:22,180
Well, let me see. No room in the front.

158
00:07:22,200 --> 00:07:23,900
Let me check around back.

159
00:07:24,080 --> 00:07:25,090
Okay.

160
00:07:25,160 --> 00:07:27,080
You're wearing two fanny packs?

161
00:07:27,140 --> 00:07:30,460
No, I'm wearing one because
I only want half my stuff.

162
00:07:30,530 --> 00:07:33,470
Uh, listen, we're almost to the bouncer.

163
00:07:33,530 --> 00:07:36,300
Can you guys be cool for ten
seconds? Let me handle this.

164
00:07:36,340 --> 00:07:38,519
What's up, my man?

165
00:07:38,520 --> 00:07:40,259
My man, my man, my man,

166
00:07:40,260 --> 00:07:41,740
my man, my man, my man, my man.

167
00:07:41,780 --> 00:07:43,919
How you living? Large?

168
00:07:43,920 --> 00:07:46,420
Listen, uh, I'm a friend of Ronnie's.

169
00:07:46,510 --> 00:07:49,300
- I don't know any Ronnie.
- Well, sure you do.

170
00:07:49,320 --> 00:07:50,820
Isn't this Ronnie's Swing Time Cafe?

171
00:07:50,880 --> 00:07:53,190
No, this is Twerk Lab.

172
00:07:53,220 --> 00:07:56,060
If only there was a way
we could've known.

173
00:07:57,190 --> 00:07:59,720
Well, what happened to
Ronnie's Swing Time Cafe?

174
00:07:59,790 --> 00:08:02,560
- It became Twerk Lab.
- Well, that was fun.

175
00:08:02,630 --> 00:08:04,760
Time to go? I want to get
home and journal about this

176
00:08:04,800 --> 00:08:06,570
while it's still fresh in my mind.

177
00:08:06,630 --> 00:08:09,330
Going home is what four
old people would do,

178
00:08:09,400 --> 00:08:11,170
and we are not old.

179
00:08:11,240 --> 00:08:12,870
Uh, my good man.

180
00:08:12,940 --> 00:08:15,620
I got four dance scientists

181
00:08:15,680 --> 00:08:18,740
who are prepared to enter the Twerk Lab.

182
00:08:20,160 --> 00:08:21,459
None of you are coming inside.

183
00:08:21,460 --> 00:08:23,000
I would immediately be fired.

184
00:08:25,780 --> 00:08:28,620
How about for three calcium chews?

185
00:08:28,660 --> 00:08:30,860
Guys, it's a no.

186
00:08:30,920 --> 00:08:32,660
Okay. Okay, okay, okay.

187
00:08:32,730 --> 00:08:34,860
Four calcium chews.

188
00:08:34,930 --> 00:08:37,300
- Did you say four calcium chews?
- Uh-huh.

189
00:08:37,360 --> 00:08:38,990
Okay, all right, you got it. Come on in.

190
00:08:39,000 --> 00:08:41,080
- You serious?
- No, I'm not. Back up, please.

191
00:08:45,570 --> 00:08:48,010
Joke's on that hater 'cause
I know another way in.

192
00:08:48,080 --> 00:08:50,340
So, y'all can just thank me now

193
00:08:50,410 --> 00:08:52,340
after I open this...

194
00:08:52,410 --> 00:08:54,160
Damn.

195
00:08:54,680 --> 00:08:56,059
Ronnie never locked that door

196
00:08:56,060 --> 00:08:57,319
back when I used to come here.

197
00:08:57,320 --> 00:09:00,390
Maybe that's why Ronnie
went out of business.

198
00:09:00,450 --> 00:09:03,960
You know, I bet someone
could crawl through there

199
00:09:03,980 --> 00:09:05,220
and open the door for us.

200
00:09:05,290 --> 00:09:07,960
If only one of us was little enough.

201
00:09:09,040 --> 00:09:11,850
Uh-uh. No, no, no, no, no.

202
00:09:11,860 --> 00:09:13,700
I know what y'all are thinking.

203
00:09:13,730 --> 00:09:16,940
Everybody loves to hoist the little guy.

204
00:09:17,000 --> 00:09:18,800
We're a team, Sid.

205
00:09:18,870 --> 00:09:20,900
We all have a special skill.

206
00:09:20,960 --> 00:09:22,279
Mine is my big-ass brain

207
00:09:22,280 --> 00:09:24,280
that works good, and yours is...

208
00:09:24,380 --> 00:09:26,580
Well, I lost my train of thought.

209
00:09:28,360 --> 00:09:31,740
Here we go again. I have
heard it all before.

210
00:09:31,780 --> 00:09:33,860
"Sid, climb under that fence."

211
00:09:33,920 --> 00:09:36,319
"Sid, squeeze through that doggy door

212
00:09:36,320 --> 00:09:37,320
and grab my keys."

213
00:09:37,330 --> 00:09:39,279
"Sid, hop on the conveyor belt

214
00:09:39,280 --> 00:09:40,370
and go around baggage claim

215
00:09:40,400 --> 00:09:42,060
and see what the holdup is."

216
00:09:42,130 --> 00:09:44,930
Well, I'm not doing it anymore.

217
00:09:45,000 --> 00:09:47,170
Fine. Doesn't matter anyway.

218
00:09:47,200 --> 00:09:49,630
Hell, I don't think you would
fit with those extra pounds.

219
00:09:49,700 --> 00:09:51,470
Oh, yeah? Watch me.

220
00:09:51,540 --> 00:09:53,710
Here it comes.

221
00:10:05,420 --> 00:10:07,660
Uh, unisex bathroom.

222
00:10:07,730 --> 00:10:10,690
Ooh, tres chic.

223
00:10:10,760 --> 00:10:13,140
Oh! Freakin' gross!

224
00:10:13,200 --> 00:10:16,270
My pashmina's in the pee-pee!

225
00:10:16,340 --> 00:10:18,320
Oh! Oh. Oh, I flushed it.

226
00:10:18,380 --> 00:10:20,640
I flushed it. I... Can I get some help?

227
00:10:20,660 --> 00:10:23,670
Help! Help me! I'm going down.

228
00:10:23,710 --> 00:10:26,280
Oh!

229
00:10:31,020 --> 00:10:34,550
God, I hope those gunshots
are part of the song.

230
00:10:34,620 --> 00:10:36,330
What are you talking about, Margaret?

231
00:10:36,360 --> 00:10:37,720
This place is over the chain.

232
00:10:37,790 --> 00:10:40,790
Really? You into this sick beat?

233
00:10:40,860 --> 00:10:42,160
Why, yes, I am.

234
00:10:42,200 --> 00:10:44,660
This is probably one of my
favorite current tracks.

235
00:10:44,700 --> 00:10:47,400
Who is this artist?

236
00:10:47,470 --> 00:10:48,746
This artist performing right here?

237
00:10:48,770 --> 00:10:51,500
- Yeah.
- Uh, this is probably, uh...

238
00:10:51,540 --> 00:10:55,140
Lil...

239
00:10:55,170 --> 00:10:57,980
DJ... You Betcha.

240
00:10:58,040 --> 00:10:59,640
Lil DJ You Betcha?

241
00:10:59,710 --> 00:11:02,750
- You betcha! Mm-hmm.
- Uh-huh.

242
00:11:02,820 --> 00:11:04,680
And singing this hook right here?

243
00:11:04,750 --> 00:11:08,320
That's, um... I-I believe
that's my girl, uh, Shadoinka.

244
00:11:08,390 --> 00:11:11,780
Shadoinka? You know, I
don't think I've heard

245
00:11:11,820 --> 00:11:13,160
of either one of those artists.

246
00:11:13,230 --> 00:11:15,790
Well, that's 'cause you don't
follow the charts like I do.

247
00:11:18,500 --> 00:11:20,860
Let's hit that dance
floor, birthday girl.

248
00:11:20,930 --> 00:11:23,370
- Ugh.
- I'm feeling the beat in my seat.

249
00:11:23,440 --> 00:11:25,070
Just follow me.

250
00:11:25,140 --> 00:11:26,419
I'm your wingman.

251
00:11:26,420 --> 00:11:28,280
- We're in this together.
- Okay.

252
00:11:28,340 --> 00:11:31,510
Whoo! Uh...

253
00:11:31,580 --> 00:11:33,199
Sid!

254
00:11:33,200 --> 00:11:35,440
Damn it, Margaret, I'm busy!

255
00:11:36,520 --> 00:11:38,440
Read the room!

256
00:11:46,560 --> 00:11:49,060
Hi, sweetie. Are you lost?

257
00:11:49,130 --> 00:11:50,790
Is it that obvious?

258
00:11:50,860 --> 00:11:52,930
I have no idea what I'm doing here.

259
00:11:53,000 --> 00:11:55,370
Well, maybe we can
figure it out together.

260
00:11:55,400 --> 00:11:57,970
This isn't real.

261
00:11:58,040 --> 00:12:00,040
This can't be real.

262
00:12:00,110 --> 00:12:02,940
Oh, it's real. I promise it's real.

263
00:12:03,740 --> 00:12:05,480
Oh, my damn.

264
00:12:10,780 --> 00:12:13,140
Man, it's loud in here.

265
00:12:13,220 --> 00:12:14,650
You ever gonna answer your phone?

266
00:12:14,720 --> 00:12:16,120
My phone's not ringing.

267
00:12:16,190 --> 00:12:18,460
That's not good.

268
00:12:19,740 --> 00:12:22,160
Can I have a Harvey Wallbanger, please?

269
00:12:22,200 --> 00:12:23,880
He doesn't know what that is.

270
00:12:23,940 --> 00:12:25,760
That's why I brought along a recipe.

271
00:12:25,830 --> 00:12:28,100
See?

272
00:12:28,170 --> 00:12:31,100
If you accept that you're
old, you can be prepared.

273
00:12:31,170 --> 00:12:33,970
I'm not old, and I'll prove it to you.

274
00:12:34,040 --> 00:12:36,710
I hope you got binoculars in
your little, uh, belt purse,

275
00:12:36,740 --> 00:12:38,020
'cause you're gonna want
to see these moves.

276
00:12:38,040 --> 00:12:40,180
Do I have binoculars?

277
00:12:40,250 --> 00:12:43,250
I do.

278
00:12:43,320 --> 00:12:45,339
Where do you live? I'll take you home.

279
00:12:45,340 --> 00:12:48,850
Oh, you move fast, Lucas, and I like it.

280
00:12:48,920 --> 00:12:51,720
I just don't want the people
who take care of you to worry.

281
00:12:51,820 --> 00:12:52,990
I know what it's like.

282
00:12:53,030 --> 00:12:54,960
My nana was always wandering off, too.

283
00:12:58,530 --> 00:13:02,300
Wait a minute. So you mean
you're not trying to sleep me?

284
00:13:02,370 --> 00:13:05,840
You creep! You should
be ashamed of yourself!

285
00:13:08,070 --> 00:13:11,040
Your loss, buddy, 'cause
this body knows things.

286
00:13:20,090 --> 00:13:22,720
Evening, ladies.

287
00:13:22,790 --> 00:13:24,320
You gals like fresh trout?

288
00:13:24,360 --> 00:13:26,860
'Cause the moves I'm about to
show you are off the hook.

289
00:13:28,060 --> 00:13:30,660
He-he-he.

290
00:13:30,730 --> 00:13:33,900
Ow! Ooh.

291
00:13:33,970 --> 00:13:36,800
I tried to bust a move,
but the move busted me.

292
00:13:36,870 --> 00:13:39,770
Yeah, you ripped your pants
and your underpants.

293
00:13:39,780 --> 00:13:41,540
You got a lot going on back there, pal.

294
00:13:41,610 --> 00:13:43,640
Listen, cover for me, Charlie.

295
00:13:43,710 --> 00:13:46,340
Let's make it to the bathroom.

296
00:13:46,410 --> 00:13:50,650
I truly am having the time of my life.

297
00:13:58,280 --> 00:14:01,980
You know, earlier, a young
man called me Mr. T.

298
00:14:02,010 --> 00:14:05,950
Now the fool I'm pitying most is myself.

299
00:14:07,920 --> 00:14:09,790
How's it coming with my pants, Charlie?

300
00:14:09,860 --> 00:14:13,400
Uh, good. Almost done sewing
up your butthole here.

301
00:14:15,760 --> 00:14:18,260
Well, we're old.

302
00:14:18,300 --> 00:14:19,830
Happy birthday, Margaret.

303
00:14:19,920 --> 00:14:22,800
Would've been much
happier if I was in bed

304
00:14:22,820 --> 00:14:25,090
eating a booze-nana split right now.

305
00:14:25,150 --> 00:14:27,250
But you two dragged me down here,

306
00:14:27,300 --> 00:14:30,500
and I got blue-balled
by some jailbait hottie

307
00:14:30,520 --> 00:14:33,290
who mistook me for his lost granny.

308
00:14:33,360 --> 00:14:37,300
Well, I got nothing in my pack for that.

309
00:14:38,060 --> 00:14:40,820
But if it would help, I'd
be happy to hit on you.

310
00:14:40,860 --> 00:14:43,140
Aw, thanks, Charlie.

311
00:14:43,210 --> 00:14:45,140
Hello, gorgeous.

312
00:14:47,010 --> 00:14:49,959
What do you say you and I find a

313
00:14:49,960 --> 00:14:51,819
mossy clearing in the woods

314
00:14:51,820 --> 00:14:53,310
and do what nature...

315
00:14:53,380 --> 00:14:56,250
Charlie, I meant "thanks"
like "I'm good."

316
00:14:56,290 --> 00:14:59,250
Whoo! I need a break.

317
00:14:59,320 --> 00:15:02,380
I keep telling these boys
not to fall in love,

318
00:15:02,440 --> 00:15:05,260
but they will not listen.

319
00:15:05,330 --> 00:15:08,620
You know what the worst
part about getting old is?

320
00:15:08,660 --> 00:15:10,800
Oh, this sounds like fun.

321
00:15:10,870 --> 00:15:14,400
I used to be excited to
do so many big things.

322
00:15:14,470 --> 00:15:17,660
Live in Paris. Be a famous folk singer.

323
00:15:17,700 --> 00:15:19,839
Learn how to make a frittata. And now...

324
00:15:19,840 --> 00:15:21,300
Not gonna happen.

325
00:15:21,360 --> 00:15:23,299
Honey, you can still make that frittata.

326
00:15:23,300 --> 00:15:24,710
It's just eggs.

327
00:15:25,740 --> 00:15:27,250
You wanted to be a folk singer?

328
00:15:27,320 --> 00:15:28,639
I almost was.

329
00:15:28,640 --> 00:15:31,500
I recorded a folk album back in 1971.

330
00:15:31,550 --> 00:15:33,960
Yeah, she played me a couple
cuts. It's pretty good.

331
00:15:34,140 --> 00:15:36,199
A minor record label picked me up.

332
00:15:36,200 --> 00:15:38,040
I wrote it about this
relationship that I was in

333
00:15:38,060 --> 00:15:39,500
where I was stepped on and ignored

334
00:15:39,520 --> 00:15:42,130
and taken for granted.
It was called Carpet.

335
00:15:42,200 --> 00:15:43,300
Wow, that's awful.

336
00:15:43,370 --> 00:15:45,300
Hmm. It was a tough time for me.

337
00:15:45,340 --> 00:15:47,270
No, I meant the album title.

338
00:15:47,340 --> 00:15:48,940
The worst part is

339
00:15:49,010 --> 00:15:50,900
the day before Carpet came out,

340
00:15:50,920 --> 00:15:53,440
Carole King released Tapestry.

341
00:15:53,510 --> 00:15:55,710
Now, that's a professional title.

342
00:15:55,780 --> 00:15:58,120
Anyway,

343
00:15:58,160 --> 00:16:00,280
Tapestry blew Carpet
right out of the water.

344
00:16:00,350 --> 00:16:02,330
I thought you were gonna say

345
00:16:02,340 --> 00:16:06,020
that Tapestry swept
Carpet under the rug.

346
00:16:06,780 --> 00:16:09,960
You missed an opportunity.

347
00:16:10,030 --> 00:16:12,960
Okay! Maybe that joke
will up the mood in here.

348
00:16:13,000 --> 00:16:15,060
I used to care about so many things.

349
00:16:15,130 --> 00:16:16,800
Well, crud.

350
00:16:16,870 --> 00:16:18,939
Now I don't really give
a crap about anything.

351
00:16:18,940 --> 00:16:21,270
But, Margaret, you're missing the point.

352
00:16:21,280 --> 00:16:23,170
Not giving a crap is the greatest thing

353
00:16:23,200 --> 00:16:24,480
about growing old.

354
00:16:24,500 --> 00:16:26,140
I mean, look at these two, okay?

355
00:16:26,210 --> 00:16:29,100
She's wearing the same dress as me.

356
00:16:29,140 --> 00:16:30,940
I am an idiot!

357
00:16:33,640 --> 00:16:34,880
Ah.

358
00:16:34,920 --> 00:16:36,859
Remember how it felt to

359
00:16:36,860 --> 00:16:39,219
care about everything all the time?

360
00:16:39,220 --> 00:16:40,700
- It was terrible.
- Yeah.

361
00:16:40,780 --> 00:16:43,320
And getting old, you
can just be yourself.

362
00:16:43,390 --> 00:16:46,320
Oh, I wish I could have
been myself earlier.

363
00:16:46,380 --> 00:16:47,800
I should have come out of the closet

364
00:16:47,820 --> 00:16:50,100
the minute I knew I was gay at age...

365
00:16:50,170 --> 00:16:51,600
uh, well, five.

366
00:16:51,670 --> 00:16:55,140
Well, no, four or five.
Whenever I saw Ben-Hur.

367
00:16:55,400 --> 00:16:57,940
You guys are right. You know what?

368
00:16:58,000 --> 00:16:59,400
Being young sucks ass.

369
00:16:59,420 --> 00:17:01,920
And not giving a crap,
that's kind of my thing.

370
00:17:01,960 --> 00:17:03,220
I just, I let a number

371
00:17:03,260 --> 00:17:05,020
on the calendar make me forget that.

372
00:17:05,080 --> 00:17:06,760
Yeah, I mean, so what?

373
00:17:06,780 --> 00:17:09,380
I took a chance, I danced,
I ripped my pants.

374
00:17:11,090 --> 00:17:12,470
No, I know you were trying

375
00:17:12,500 --> 00:17:15,390
to be serious, but that
rhyming made me giggle.

376
00:17:15,460 --> 00:17:18,740
Hey, I have got ten minutes
left in my birthday,

377
00:17:18,750 --> 00:17:20,290
and I am not drunk enough.

378
00:17:20,360 --> 00:17:22,680
Oh, I can remedy that. It's your 65th,

379
00:17:22,720 --> 00:17:24,970
so we're gonna do 65 shots each.

380
00:17:25,030 --> 00:17:26,470
Hank, I'll die.

381
00:17:26,540 --> 00:17:29,400
Okay, then. Uh, combined.

382
00:17:29,470 --> 00:17:31,240
Party time!

383
00:17:31,310 --> 00:17:33,640
Ain't nothing gonna slow us down now.

384
00:17:41,680 --> 00:17:44,590
Yes, let's go! Whoo!

385
00:17:47,020 --> 00:17:50,399
Okay, 65 shots of premium tequila.

386
00:17:50,400 --> 00:17:51,790
That'll be $900.

387
00:17:51,860 --> 00:17:54,060
Here's 50 bucks. Keep
the change, brother.

388
00:17:54,100 --> 00:17:56,630
Um, I said $900.

389
00:17:56,700 --> 00:17:58,080
I can't hear you. We're very old.

390
00:17:58,100 --> 00:17:59,400
Start drinking, Margaret.

391
00:18:00,360 --> 00:18:01,800
Excuse me.

392
00:18:03,040 --> 00:18:05,170
Um, it's my friend Margaret's birthday,

393
00:18:05,180 --> 00:18:07,220
and she would like to sing a song

394
00:18:07,300 --> 00:18:10,910
from her 1971 poorly
titled album, Carpet.

395
00:18:10,980 --> 00:18:13,610
Oh, no, what is that banana head doing?

396
00:18:13,680 --> 00:18:16,280
Come on, Margaret. You don't
give a crap what people think.

397
00:18:16,350 --> 00:18:17,790
Remember? In the bathroom?

398
00:18:17,850 --> 00:18:19,690
After I said we should
have sex in the forest?

399
00:18:19,760 --> 00:18:23,190
Stop talking, Charlie.
I'm coming, I'm coming.

400
00:18:26,700 --> 00:18:29,820
Hey, uh, sir, this-this
isn't a credit card, man.

401
00:18:29,840 --> 00:18:30,940
This is a room key.

402
00:18:31,000 --> 00:18:32,680
So what's the holdup?
Charge it to my room.

403
00:18:32,740 --> 00:18:36,670
Put a couple of burgers on there, too.

404
00:18:36,740 --> 00:18:38,810
Hi, uh, I'm Margaret.

405
00:18:38,870 --> 00:18:41,000
This one is called "A Fresh Shag,

406
00:18:41,140 --> 00:18:44,219
"Parenthesis, Can't Cover
an Untreatable Stain,

407
00:18:44,220 --> 00:18:45,350
Close Parenthesis."

408
00:18:45,380 --> 00:18:49,180
My girl needs some mad title help.

409
00:18:52,450 --> 00:18:54,920
? After all the years ?

410
00:18:54,990 --> 00:18:59,060
? We've spent together ?

411
00:18:59,130 --> 00:19:04,700
? So many stains you've left on me ?

412
00:19:05,240 --> 00:19:07,270
? Well, I've tried ?

413
00:19:07,340 --> 00:19:10,870
? And I've tried to scrub them out ?

414
00:19:10,940 --> 00:19:13,510
? But I can't ?

415
00:19:13,940 --> 00:19:18,910
? Bleach out our messed-up history ?

416
00:19:18,980 --> 00:19:20,679
Did I just drink 15 shots,

417
00:19:20,680 --> 00:19:23,060
or does this sound kind of good?

418
00:19:23,350 --> 00:19:25,880
? But a fresh shag ?

419
00:19:25,920 --> 00:19:29,860
? Can't cover an untreatable stain ?

420
00:19:29,930 --> 00:19:32,520
? Because the stain is the pain ?

421
00:19:32,540 --> 00:19:34,190
? And the pain, it remains ?

422
00:19:34,260 --> 00:19:36,930
? And it won't go away. ?

423
00:19:37,000 --> 00:19:39,259
To Margaret!

424
00:19:41,840 --> 00:19:43,370
It's time for you guys to go.

425
00:19:43,440 --> 00:19:45,840
All right, we're going.
Um, Sid, grab the bottle.

426
00:19:45,880 --> 00:19:48,140
Come on, guys. We got to go now.

427
00:19:48,380 --> 00:19:51,080
Thank you, Tucson. Good night!

428
00:19:52,450 --> 00:19:54,160
Hey.

429
00:19:54,450 --> 00:19:56,440
Your song was pretty cool.

430
00:19:56,500 --> 00:19:57,820
Oh, thanks, I...

431
00:19:57,890 --> 00:20:00,300
I didn't do it for you,
loser. I did it for me.

432
00:20:08,740 --> 00:20:11,600
Hey, thanks, you guys, for last night.

433
00:20:11,670 --> 00:20:15,010
Screw you guys for this hangover.

434
00:20:15,070 --> 00:20:17,440
I really should be dead.

435
00:20:17,510 --> 00:20:20,750
I'm not certain I'm not.

436
00:20:20,810 --> 00:20:22,650
Why are you all screaming?

437
00:20:24,880 --> 00:20:27,850
I can't reach my juice.

438
00:20:31,280 --> 00:20:33,360
Pancake party.

439
00:20:33,430 --> 00:20:35,460
Wow, you guys smell.

440
00:20:35,530 --> 00:20:37,800
I'm a post-breakfast brusher.

441
00:20:37,860 --> 00:20:39,880
No, I meant you smell like alcohol.

442
00:20:39,900 --> 00:20:42,000
I guess somebody had a
good time last night.

443
00:20:42,070 --> 00:20:45,440
Miss Jennifer!

444
00:20:45,510 --> 00:20:47,839
When I get my strength back,

445
00:20:47,840 --> 00:20:51,510
I'm gonna hunt you down,
and I'm gonna kill you.

446
00:20:54,010 --> 00:20:55,980
What? No syrup?

447
00:20:56,050 --> 00:20:58,700
Okay, I gotcha.

448
00:20:58,840 --> 00:21:01,520
Little hair of the dog, boys?

449
00:21:05,790 --> 00:21:09,190
Well, we did promise
to give these a shot.

450
00:21:12,400 --> 00:21:15,630
- Oh, hell, yeah.
- Yeah.

451
00:21:15,700 --> 00:21:18,900
Why didn't we just stay home
last night and eat these?

452
00:21:21,340 --> 00:21:25,300
- Synced & corrected by MementMori -
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