CREDITS
Is it done?
He was eating Sardinian casu marzu.
I didn't realize it was still possible
to get casu marzu in this country.
The stomach acid
of a thousand maggots
rotting the cheese
from the inside out,
making it richer,
smoother.
But... for the whole thing to work,
you must eat all of it.
The maggots are what make
the experience wonderful.
- Mm. - I didn't call you
for a Gordon Ramsay impression, Wilkes.
I ask again.
Is it done?
It's done.
I wonder what kind of a man
gets casu marzu on demand.
You know who he is, don't you?
Of course I do.
The press are breaking a story on him
in the morning.
No one does this better than you,
and I need him delivered
before that happens.
Bring him to the usual place
by 2am.
That's in four hours.
No delays.
I trust you to help me
make a statement with this one.
Well, he's dead already.
The rest shouldn't take too long.
Good.
Oh, and Wilkes?
I know you have your own methods
and I respect that.
But maybe try and treat this
like business,
just for once?
Ooh, ha!
Ooh, ooh, ooh!
Great costume.
_
Happy Halloween, dick!
_
God dammit!
What is this shit?
Son of a bitch!
You've got to be kidding me!
Holy shit, man!
Watch where you're going.
What the fuck?
Jesus Christ.
Whoa.
Did you make this?
This is unbelievable.
Oh my God, dude.
This looks so real.
Dot, look at this thing.
Don't call me Dot.
Wait a second.
What are you doing right now?
I know, I know that's a weird thing
to ask a stranger, but, uh,
we're on our way to this party,
and it's gonna be
outrageously cool
and, like, super sick,
and I was kind of hoping
we can make a big entrance
at this thing, but, um,
as you can see...
we look pathetic, so...
I got off work, like, 30 minutes ago, so...
Still could have made an effort, Nick.
- Well, I... - What are you supposed to be?
- What are you dressed as? - This is steampunk.
- This... and... - Goggles?
You're dressed as goggles?
I'm sorry, who are you?
Oh, shit, sorry,
Alan Morgan Adams
of the Massachusetts Morgan Adamses.
Hey, hey, buddy,
whoa, whoa, whoa.
Where are we goin'?
Are you, like, uh,
the British American Psycho or something?
Whoa, Dorothy.
Sorry, you gotta forgive her.
She's from Westlake.
We're still workin' on her manners.
We're kind of a...
My Fair Lady type of deal.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
He's the, uh, self-important drunk perv
who thinks that he's a big deal,
and I'm just the bad ass
everyone wants to hang out with.
So is this, like, your...
latest victim or something?
Yes, for now.
Okay, dude, dude, dude, dude.
Uh, you gotta come with us.
What can I say
that is gonna get you there?
There's gonna be an open bar.
Does that do anything for you?
There's gonna be outrageously hot chicks,
- like crazy hot chicks. - Wow.
- Fucking gag me. - Okay, okay.
Everybody is gonna be there, man.
I can assure you
that the party we're going to
is a million times cooler
than the party you were going to.
My buddy Jack,
he, uh, he's the host.
He always does this, like,
grand arrival,
and everyone flips out
about his costume, but this thing,
this is gonna blow his cock off.
Look, uh, someone slashed my tires,
and I really need...
You need a ride.
Done.
That we can do.
We can get you a ride, man.
Consider it done.
Please walk away.
Yeah, no, there's...
there's no way you're gonna get a cab
- with this thing, dude, so... - Hey!
He's right, that's a good point, Nick.
Thank you for finally making
a contribution.
No one's gonna let you in the back of a cab
with this thing, you'll make a mess.
Come with us for one drink.
Just one drink, you walk right back out,
you're out on the streets,
you're killin' all your victims in no time.
You know what?
That actually sounds like
a really good idea.
Let's do it.
What?
I can't believe that worked.
Wow, I did not see that coming.
It's the best night of my life.
This is exciting.
What an exciting turn of events.
Lift with your legs, Nick.
There's four of us.
If we all just, um...
Oh my gosh.
Slashed your tires, huh?
Bunch of fuckin' savages in this town.
Put your back into it, Nick.
It's pretty heavy.
Oh yeah, here we go!
This way, this way, come on!
Here we go again!
That ought to be good.
Prop him up there.
Do not move, okay?
Don't move, I'm gonna go find Jack.
Especially this guy.
Everybody raise your hands!
Where is this guy?
Girls and boys,
queer gender friends,
please turn your eyes to the dance floor
and welcome your host,
Jack Baker,
Monster Maker!
Oh, shit.
Hello Alan.
Unreal.
Dalmore neat, double.
Here.
Here, want it?
Yeah.
Ah...
- Yeah. - Excuse me.
Yeah.
Ahh!
Your costume is...
brilliant.
It's not a costume.
Uh, yeah, more of a prop,
I guess, right?
The whole package really works.
The suit, the blood.
Maggie.
Let them eat cake.
She never said that.
You know, Marie Antoinette,
she never actually said,
"Let them eat cake."
It was just a thing
that French like to attribute
to every foreign queen
they didn't like the look of.
I mean, when things go wrong,
why blame the king
when you can blame
his bitch of a wife?
She's a very meaningful woman,
I think.
Um, famous,
but as a caricature
that confirms men's prejudices
against women...
frivolous, ditzy,
obsessed with buying shoes,
silly, pretty,
tragic little bon-bon
good for porn, good for scorn,
nothing in between.
Well, you have really thought
about your costume.
Says the guy dragging
a corpse around?
Did you not come here
with friends, Maggie?
Just me.
I hesitated to come,
but tonight felt like
the kind of night something might happen.
Well, you certainly make
that costume work.
A girl is expected to dress
a little provocatively
when she's invited
to one of these parties.
Why would a girl want to be
invited to one of these parties?
Oh, I don't know,
one of these parties,
one of these clubs,
one of these jobs.
It might be 230 years
since the French Revolution,
but boys still need the illusion
of silly, tragic little bon-bons.
Maybe that's not your problem.
Maybe that's obviously
occurred to me before,
and I don't need it
mansplained to me by a stranger.
So how long did it take you
to stuff it?
You don't stuff it,
it's more of, um... roll,
like a... pig in blanket.
Oh, those are harder
to roll cleanly than they look.
It gets easier every time you do it.
I do it this way every Halloween.
You have to be a lot more careful
disposing of a dead body
on a normal evening.
Right.
Would you like me to, uh...
let you in on something?
People think that killing
is the hard part.
They also assume that
the necessary next step
is hiding the evidence,
but it's not.
You can't do it, not reliably.
You have to come up with
an alternative story
for how this person died.
Needs its own narrative,
its own evidence,
its own culprit.
Takes more effort,
but if you can do it correctly,
it works.
You can do anything,
as long as you don't give people
the time to decide
it's something different
from what you're telling them it is.
And that... is what makes this...
special.
That makes sense.
I'm not sure it all comes across
in the costume, but...
that makes sense.
Okay, dude, a toast
to every Friday the 13th movie.
Let's do this.
Friday the 13th.
- Friday the 13th Part 2. - Part 2.
"Midway upon life's journey,
I found myself within a forest dark."
"For the straightforward path
had been lost."
Hm.
Hell's empty
and all the devils are here.
Jason Takes Manhattan.
Ah...
Aw!
Ew.
Are you leaving?
I've been promised a ride to work.
You came with that guy Alan, right?
He's friends with Jack.
I work for Jack.
Um, he's designing
this horror virtual reality thing,
and I'm the coder who has to do
all the damn work.
I... it's really...
really makes you feel good
about those student loan debts.
Worth it.
Um, I can, uh,
get you a car and drive you.
Is anybody expecting you
home tonight, Maggie?
Not a soul.
Well, all right then.
I'll be right back.
Make that booty drop.
Hey, what's up, girl?
Hey, sexual harassment
is a crime, shithead.
- Whatever. - Criminal!
Hi.
Uh, we're almost ready.
I just... I... the body thing is huge.
I was just... figured we could use
some help getting it downstairs.
There is no "we."
What?
I agreed to one drink.
I've had three.
Car, now.
- Dude, chill. - What, no.
I already told Maggie
you can borrow my car.
Now come on!
Enjoy yourself for a bit, huh?
Take me to your car now
or I will kill you
at your own party.
You really got this killer thing down.
You nailed it.
I like it.
All right, all right.
I'll take you downstairs.
But first, shots!
Finally we get to the good shit.
Dude, he never lets anyone in there.
This night's gonna be epic.
Okay?
Hey, don't break anything.
Come on, one shot won't kill you.
Every single one of those
literally cost thousands of dollars.
Yeah, I got money
and talent.
So I'm gonna need those car keys now.
Yeah, we should probably
get back to the party.
Aw, not yet, guys.
Come on.
Hey.
Hey, where are you going
in such a hurry anyway?
Can we come?
Yo, dude,
this is your party.
You got Sasha Grey DJing.
You can't leave... he can't leave the party.
I can do whatever I want.
Guys, this... this is what
tonight is all about.
All Hallow's Eve,
the night we put our masks on
and let our dark, unpredictable sides fly.
This guy, man, look at him.
The costume, woo!
The performance.
I'm telling you, bro,
next level commitment.
Think about it, guys.
How do we usually end the night?
Me, sittin' at home
watching Plan 9 from Outer Space,
mixing cocktails,
sending unsolicited dick pics
to Dorothy.
Or, guys, we keep the party goin', right?
Keep the party goin',
lookin' for somebody,
like this guy right here.
I don't know what's goin' down tonight,
but I am feeling so,
what's the word? Alive.
I'm feelin' so alive right now, guys.
Yeah, he, um...
he occasionally, uh...
does that.
Wait.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Whoa.
This animatronic too?
Woo, that is amazing!
Give it a kick, it'll stop.
You can do better than that.
Oh, really?
All right.
- Whoa! - Whoa!
Shit!
Did I fix it?
I don't know.
Did you?
Jesus!
- Shit! - That's an actual body!
That's an actual body.
Okay, okay, okay.
That's a dead person for real.
Put your fucking hands down.
Sorry.
Ugh, accepting a ride from strangers
is always such a bad idea.
So, uh...
did you kill this guy?
Well, he wasn't dead a minute ago.
If he is now, then technically
you killed him.
Huh...
Are you, uh, are you a hitman
or something, or...
Jesus Christ, man.
You can't just kill people!
'Course you can.
Oh shit!
Oh shit, man!
I was just on VentureBeat's
list of 40 under 40,
I can't die like this!
Okay, what's your name?
Um...
It's Jack, right?
And what do you do, Jack?
Uh, I'm an artist.
I have a trust fund, okay?
Please!
And would you define yourself
as "sane"?
I... I...
Anything you do other than
eat, sleep, shit, fuck, and kill
is a symptom of insanity.
You see, there was a point
during human evolution
where something,
some neuron pathway misfired,
and we all became self-aware.
That is to say,
we became insane.
We are balls of flesh and bone
on a rock of ice
spinning through a dark, random universe
designed only to survive,
but then something happened in our DNA
where we went, "Hey, wait, wait, wait."
What if I matter?
"What if it's all about me?"
Did you ever watch those, um...
the David Attenborough shows?
Mm.
They're magnificent, right?
Full of death.
And yet in a way,
it makes sense.
And then you try and watch the news
and it's crazy.
There's no sense at all.
And I will answer that other question for you.
Does a crazy person know they're crazy?
Yes, it's called a conscience.
Jiminy Cricket,
that's just the part of our brains
screaming at the psychic tear
caused by the gulf
between what we are
and what we pretend to be.
You think the world needs
your doodles, artist?
There's no art in the natural world.
There is murder.
Do you really think
it made a difference to the world
if he lived or died?
That was the most amazing thing
I've ever heard.
Do you know how often
I've wanted to do that to somebody?
That's a...
Car keys, now.
Jack, he's gonna fucking kill us.
- Uh... - He's right.
He is right.
However, if you agree to help me,
I promise I'll make it quick.
Top drawer.
You.
Close the drawer.
What the hell was that?
I rigged it as an escape route.
I thought it would be a fun way
to impress girls.
That is so rapey.
Oh my God!
Go, go, go, go.
Ah!
- Jack, Jack, what are you... - Jack!
Stop, stop the music!
Please, somebody call the police!
One of my guests is trying to kill us!
What the fuck?
Come on!
Jesus Christ.
Go, go, go.
I didn't know about the drawer,
I swear.
What's wrong with you?
I know Jack.
If there's a shortcut way out of this room,
it's gonna be revealed
by some smug, nerdy
inside joke onanism.
I can figure it out.
Thank you.
Hurry up, come on!
Guys, what the hell are we doing, huh?
But why did we take this thing?
Dude, this thing is a person.
Dude, there's probably a reward
out on this guy.
- What? - What?
There's always a reward
when you turn in a murderer.
They're gonna give us a pile of money.
Everyone's gonna love us.
We're gonna be heroes!
Oh my... what are you,
Dog the Bounty Hunter?
Is that not why you picked it up?
Uh, it is not an it,
it is a person
that might still be alive.
Yeah, but that guy's
gonna want it...
him... back.
Ah!
Wait.
Why is this suddenly our problem?
Okay.
We're gonna give him to the cops
and then he stops being our problem.
Okay?
Jack, keys?
What?
You were giving that guy a ride.
Yeah, but he went all psycho
before I could grab the keys.
Then why the fuck are we down here?
I thought you guys drove!
Oh my God!
Nick drove us, you jackass.
He parked three blocks away.
Okay, so where are his keys?
Aw, shit.
He wasn't wrong about you, was he?
You are a hitman, right?
Could be in here for a really long time,
you know?
- Dude, Uber, right? - Yes.
- Are you kidding me?
Call 911.
Okay, uh...
Shit, I left my phone upstairs.
Oh my God, okay, fine.
I'll get the car.
No one is gonna let us
get into the car with a body.
No, no, they can be heroes with us.
Are you serious?
Look, call the cops.
Uh, wait, wait, wait, wait.
When we came in here,
there were cops outside.
Uh, yes, uh, go, go now.
Go.
What did you say you wanted, Randy?
A cinnamon raisin bagel, toasted,
half butter... half...
otherwise it gets all drippy.
Two creams, two sugars
in the coffee.
Oh, what the hell is this?
Central, this is Unit 1-Alpha-7-8.
Think I got another drunk and disorderly.
He's possibly on drugs.
Hey!
- Please! - Definitely on drugs.
Please, I need you.
Hey, what the hell are you doin'?
Jesus Christ, I'm so happy to see you.
Step back from the window.
Now.
Sir, um,
my friends, they're down there,
and in the building over there.
We... we need... we need you to come.
I need you to come with me, please.
Uh huh.
Hey West, I got a couple
of drunks to deal with.
You need me to come back?
Nah, I got it.
All right, son.
Show me.
Come on, come on, come on!
Please hurry up, come on!
He's coming back!
Okay.
No...
Count of Monte Cristo.
Classic prison escape scene.
Code is probably the release date
for The Exorcist
or THX1138
or...
Huh.
We work pretty well together.
There is no "we."
Guys!
- Oh, yes! - Yes, yes, yes!
Yes!
Oh, thank God.
Come on, guys.
Look, I know it's Halloween and everything,
but you could really scare the hell
out of somebody with this thing.
Oh, no, no, please, uh, we need your help.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Stay where you are, miss.
Uh, officer, please...
Hey, stay where you are!
No, no, no, please,
you don't understand.
Command, I got a code 6A,
three intoxicated persons,
one hysterical female.
- Whoa! - What?
You fucking asshole!
Stand down!
Female is possibly armed.
Stand down from what,
you fucking moron?
Someone is dead here
and we need your help.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, okay, okay.
It's gettin' away from us here.
I know this doesn't look good.
Just listen to me.
My name is Alan Morgan Adams.
Of the Massachusetts Morgan Adamses.
Okay, uh, were not the ones you're looking for.
He is going to be here any fucking second,
so can we...
No, freeze right now!
No, wait!
Look, it's a real person.
Wait, is that who I think it is?
He's famous.
Yeah.
And rich.
Yeah.
And beautiful.
Yeah.
All right, so wait, just walk...
walk me through all this again.
No, no, you need to call
for backup right now
or we are all going to die.
You tell me who did this.
Guys.
He did it.
Hey.
Hey you, stop right there!
- Oh, shit. - Freeze!
Just shoot the bastard!
Miss, you stay back,
you let me take care of this.
Now this is your last warning.
What are you doing?
Do you really think Chief Wiggum's
gonna save the day?
Good point.
Put your hands where I can see them.
I said put your hands up!
Ooh, wait.
Oh God...
Hey, stop!
Come on, stop!
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Don't go anywhere!
You stop right now!
Ow, oh my... ow!
What the hell!
I...
Hey Randy.
They're out of cinnamon raisin, buddy.
Can you believe that?
You're a murderer, they're thieves,
I'm the one who gets shot.
Okay, I can find them.
I just need a computer.
If they have a cell phone,
I can track them.
A flesh wound.
- Mm... - Talk and walk.
- Okay. - Okay.
Fuck.
Guys, what the fuck are we gonna do now?
Oh my God, I've never been
this close to a famous person before.
Dude, put that thing down, man!
No, we're not putting him down!
Are you kidding me?
You guys know who this is
and we get to be the ones
that rescued him.
Wait a second.
Hey, you know what?
We're not rescuing him
because he's dead!
Okay, whatever.
We need to get off the street, okay?
And why couldn't he just kill,
like, Elijah Wood or someone small?
We could just take that.
Yeah, you want to rip off
a homeless guy?
Do you want to shoot a puppy
while we're at it too, hmm?
Oh, I'm sorry, would you rather
that the fucking psychopath
catches up with us, Dot?
- Okay, okay. - That's right.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Thank you.
Yep, right, right, right.
Okay.
Hi, we just need to borrow this.
Over my dead...
body.
Yeah, that, that exactly, yes, um...
Uh, that's good enough, right?
Yup.
So sorry, we're gonna take really good care of it.
Thanks so much.
Nice to meet you.
Hey, I know homelessness
is a complex issue
that can't be solved by charity alone,
so I, uh, I hope this helps
the situation just a little.
Sorry, man.
Thank you.
God bless you.
Jack, come on!
_
You're very calm
for someone who's just lost
the bodily evidence
that he's a murderer.
Yes, remind me how that happened again.
This might come in handy.
Just doing what you said.
New evidence, new culprits,
new narrative, right?
Could you...
could you just take that jumpsuit off?
- Wait, what, out here? - Yes, yes.
We need somebody to help us, you guys.
We're trying to be discreet, okay,
and he can see you from a mile off
with that, so...
I could be naked under this.
Is that discreet?
Hey, dude,
why are you texting me right now?
I'm not, I don't have my phone.
Then what's...
Oh no.
Alan?
Uh...
- Wait, is that the cop? - _
- Oh shit. - _
Dude, he has your fucking phone.
That's bad, right?
Wait, I don't get it, why is...
I... I don't know,
but I feel like that can't be good.
There's, like, emojis.
Are you kidding me?
He is framing us, hello!
Fuck!
- Fuck, fuck! - Shit!
That's exactly what he's doing.
Fuck me!
Oh God, oh my God.
Fucking be kidding me.
Fuck my life, shit!
- Oh shit. - Fuck.
Fuck that shit, man!
Okay, this can't be happening right now.
He doesn't know where we are.
- That's true. - Right?
That's a good point.
We can ditch the dead guy
and just go our separate ways.
We can leave it anywhere.
No, that is not a good idea.
He killed Nick,
and you stomped on
this fucking guy's head.
I am not the one
who fuckin' brought that lunatic
into my house.
Okay, that costume was amazing.
- It wasn't a costume! - It wasn't a costume!
Oh my God, oh my God, it was Halloween!
How was I supposed to know?
Dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude.
Okay, that dead cop
took my name, man.
He radioed in about us.
You know why?
Because you're always throwing your name around.
Oh, look, you dropped something.
Your fuckin' name.
Oh, yeah, that's my fault.
That's on me, okay.
Oh yeah, it is.
You know what?
Good luck with it.
I'm fuckin' done.
- I'm out. - You're done?
Oh, you're gonna go?
You're gonna walk away from here?
Oh, this is really something
coming from you.
Hey, by the way, quick question.
How you doin' with the very first problem
in your entire life
that you couldn't just throw money at, huh?
How's that goin' for you?
You didn't mind my money
when you were hooverin' up
my fuckin' drugs, right?
Oh yeah,
and you were pitchin' me
your stupid fuckin' apps.
My stupid fucking apps?
Shut the fuck up,
both of you, oh my God!
Nick, Nick is dead
in your studio.
The cop, dead in your garage.
There's photos on both of your phones.
All right, maybe if...
maybe if we just give the... the body back,
and I'll say sorry.
Oh, wake up!
We know nothing about this guy.
He has our names, your address.
I mean, Alan gave him
his fucking résumé.
Okay, we don't need to keep
putting each other down, you guys.
Okay, that psycho,
he wore gloves.
Our prints are all over it.
He's gonna kill us
whether or not we have this thing.
- It's a person. - Oh!
Fuck all that noise, okay?
And the cops, when the cops
come looking for us,
they're gonna shoot me,
and then he's gonna lock you both up.
Do you want to risk that,
is that what you want to do?
Okay!
What the fuck do we do?
We make it go away.
No body, no evidence.
We gotta bleach him.
Pulverize the teeth.
Burn off the fingerprints.
We disfigure the face.
We melt him down.
We drain the blood
and the bodily fluids.
We mix those with bleach.
We also bleach the inside.
We chop him into pieces small enough
that they can't be recognized as human
in case somebody finds one of 'em.
Vinegar to soften the bones.
We put each part
in a different plastic bag,
fill 'em with lye,
tie the tops, and we bury them
as far away from each other as possible.
Uh, that is why you're single.
Oh, okay.
I'm the only one of us
that watched Breaking Bad?
Are you kidding me?
That show redefined television.
Okay, uh...
where exactly are we meant
to do all this?
Hm?
I don't know, but you know what?
Not here, so let's... let's just go.
Let's go, yeah.
Oh, okay, no, I'll get it.
Thanks, guys, thanks for all of your help.
Appreciate it.
You dumb dicks.
Son of a bitch.
Why do you have a gun?
Why wouldn't I?
What if I go to the movies
or my local Planned Parenthood
and some asshole comes in with a gun
to shoot everyone?
Nobody would've gotten hurt tonight
if everybody had a gun.
I work long hours,
I go running early.
It makes me feel safer.
Have you ever had to use it?
I just killed two people right in front of you.
I know, who's gonna be next?
You're not grasping the reality
of what I'm saying.
I kill people.
You haven't killed me.
Come on.
Let's get you cleaned up.
? No one knows who I am ?
? Nobody recognizes me ?
? No one knows who I'm supposed to be ?
? For Halloween ?
Uh, Dalmore neat,
and a slightly burnt, perfect,
Sipsmith and Cokey martini,
straight up with a twist,
12-year Coal Ila for the scotch.
What?
A drink order shouldn't have 25 words in it.
Look at these two.
Hold that for a sec.
Uh, I'm gonna go...
take care of this.
That booth when you get back.
? This year for Halloween ?
? I'll just be me ??
Thank you.
_
Maggie, what are you doing?
Is this crazy?
No.
You don't meet guys like this every day.
He's... he's smart, he's strong,
he's employed.
He can handle you.
Timing's a bit off, but that's okay.
Grow through conflict.
- _ - Yeah, yeah, this is it.
All right, what now?
Uh, well, padlock is shit,
and we need what's in there, so.
Never paid for a bike in my life.
Okay, let's do this.
So this doesn't feel like much of a plan.
You said you could track him with a computer.
Can you get into this?
I'm a data engineer, not a hacker.
Yes.
Just take me a minute
to get around this guy's password.
Hmm.
I'm gonna find those assholes for you.
_
Yeah.
What?
Yeah.
Is this everything?
I guess we're about to find out.
Seriously?
Don't deny me this, Dorothy.
Tonight isn't really
what I was expecting, okay?
So, yeah,
I want a machete.
All right.
It says we start with the face.
I still can't believe it's him.
I know. Doesn't he have
like 20 million Twitter followers?
Well...
Not anymore.
Okay.
Ah, I'm in.
You can track pretty much anybody's smartphone
as long as a single one of their apps
has live location in the background.
Code's running.
So I gotta say,
seeing you do what you do,
hearing you talk,
boom.
Suddenly so much makes sense.
How?
I'll answer one of yours
for each one you answer of mine.
Come on.
All the secrets, the deceptions.
You must be dying to just talk straight
to someone.
Why are you here?
Because I wanna be.
- Why? - Mm-mm.
My turn.
Who paid you?
I don't know.
I never meet him.
Do you know what the dark web is?
Yes.
The part of the internet
that's encrypted and untraceable...
where you would go
if you want someone killed.
It's one of the many places
you can go to do that, yes.
The visible world is so bright
and reassuring,
but it needs the dark.
The man who pays me
owns the dark.
You don't know him, he doesn't know you.
You get paid in electronic currency.
Completely anonymous.
How much did you get for the guy in the bag?
More than anyone, ever.
And I thought you were hot
before I knew you were rich.
Your turn.
Do you know why I like Halloween, Maggie?
The candy?
People.
They wear masks their whole lives,
pretending that life has meaning.
When you kill somebody,
all of that's gone.
Halloween is the closest
people come to admitting
that we are defined by death.
How do you come to do what you do?
Choose a job you love,
you never have to work a day in your life.
I want that choice.
Life carries most people along.
So much happens,
so little is made to happen.
But life is consequence.
You throw a glass, it breaks.
You cut someone, they bleed.
You kill someone, they're gone.
I was always taught
that consequences are to be feared.
Every decision I make,
every second of my life
is based on what someone else wants or needs,
it's like a fucking straitjacket.
And then there's you,
saying consequences are proof of power.
You can do anything you want.
All of it's good, do it.
Because none of it means anything.
Was it hard
to kill someone the first time?
Maggie...
None of it's hard.
Dead cops aren't good for business.
Find them.
There was a complication.
Small.
So?
So nothing.
I've got it under control.
This isn't like you, Wilkes.
One complicated night in a decade
isn't a bad track record.
I hope you know where my body is.
You're watching me.
Maybe.
On and off.
That wasn't part of the deal.
Neither is lying to me.
Even great white sharks
have their predators, Wilkes.
Two hours.
Sort your mess out.
Don't let me down.
Fuck me!
Don't touch your face, Jack.
It's basically acid.
Okay.
What's next?
Uh, burn off his fingerprints.
You, it's your turn.
Now, mm-hmm.
Okay.
Ugh, okay.
Oh.
Oh, shit.
The skin is coming off!
- Oh, God. - Fuck, ahh!
Okay, ahh!
Oh, fuck.
He's leaking.
He's leaking, he's leaking.
Okay.
Oh, God. Oh, God.
Why isn't Alan
doing any of this gross shit, huh?
He's the one that got us into this mess.
Hey! One of us has to keep our eye
on the bigger picture, okay?
I will look up the instructions,
and you two carry them out.
Thank you.
Chop, chop.
We need to find that body, now.
You said "we."
Okay, this is them.
They're at a hardware store
10 blocks from here.
Alan is doing a Google search.
Trying to destroy a body,
by the looks of it.
Now I can tap into any camera in the area
with a built-in sensor or actuator.
There they are.
Is this live?
It was 10 minutes ago.
If I connect Alan and Jack
using Find My Friends,
we can track them with Jack's phone.
Body cam footage is instantly uploaded
to a cloud server.
Can you access that server?
It'll be traceable to this computer.
I'm okay with that.
Me too.
Find the video we're in and delete it.
We should send it to them.
We've already sent the photos.
Let's have a little fun.
Hey, Officer.
Hey!
Trick or treat, motherfucker.
Yeah, what's up, boy?
You guys look great.
Dunder Mifflin for the win!
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit, get over here.
Guys.
Look, we have a dead body here.
We need your help.
Someone has been murdered.
Okay, okay, it's gettin' away from us here.
This isn't what it looks like, Officer.
Just listen to me, my name is Alan Morgan Adams.
What is this guy's problem?
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, oh my God.
- Okay, uh... - Hey, hey.
- What do we do? - Focus, focus, focus.
No, what do we do, what do we do?
There is no footage of us killing the cop
because we didn't actually do it.
He's just trying to freak us out.
He's trying to make us crack,
that is all he's doing.
- Oh, my God. - Yeah, well, it's working.
I'm cracked.
Alan, I need you to log on
to Jack's Apple account,
Find My iPhone,
and then delete all the messages.
That's it.
Wait, how do I do any of that?
Are you kidding me?
You do it then, Jack!
- I don't know how! - Exactly!
I pay nerds to do that for me.
All right?
Maggie.
Maggie, Maggie's h...
Maggie's helping him.
Oh, wait, the blonde
that was with him tonight?
Yeah, the one that was dressed as, um...
uh, Elsa from Frozen.
- Yeah. - Wow!
Marie Antoinette, you dipshit!
Do you know anything about anything
that's not been made into an action figure?
I'm so sorry, professor.
I'm not an expert
in Civil War history, okay?
Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait,
hold on, you guys, it says here
the lye is gonna take like hours to work.
Oh, shit. We have to heat it
to almost a thousand degrees?
You didn't think to tell us that
before we started?
You could've looked it up
your-fucking-self, Dot!
Call me Dot one more fucking time.
What you gonna do?
Do something.
I surrender and I let go,
I surrender and I let go.
Do that.
Oh! It says here we could also
burn the entire body, that would work.
What website are you on?
Wikipedia.
What?
Okay, you know what,
it's not as if we can start
a fire in here anyway, so.
Oh, yeah, actually, never mind
because it has to be hot enough
to turn him into ash,
not just a bubbly stew person.
That's great.
So...
Hospitals, clinics, mortuaries,
they... they have incinerators.
My mom, she used to work at a hospital,
and they'd also discard
like the old placentas and the foreskins and stuff,
they burn them at the end of the night.
Right, right, right, right, right, okay.
I can work with that.
Is the real world too gory
for you, Monster Maker?
Yes.
Yes, it is, actually.
- That's the whole point. - Hold on.
Would a funeral home work?
There's one on Hooper Street.
Yes, yeah, that's perfect.
Uh, I don't know about that, Dot.
rothy.
Uh, think about it.
We already broke into this building.
Now you want us to break
into other buildings?
There's... there's more bodies.
Yes!
The faster that we feed
this fucker to the incinerator,
the faster that this is done.
We take your trust fund money,
we buy plane tickets to Jamaica,
and we spend the rest of our miserable year
drinking mojitos
and having threesomes on the beach.
Okay, yeah.
Lead us to a funeral home.
Okay, great.
Clear your browser history,
put him back in the cart.
You, clean this shit up.
You know neither one of us
is gonna be in that threesome, right?
Yeah, I know.
- Now! - Yeah, okay.
Ah, shit, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
Come on, let's cut through here.
Can you hurry up?
I don't understand you,
but I feel like you might be
the first person I've met
in a very long time...
that understands me.
After you kill them,
after tonight,
you can teach me some things.
I can teach you some things.
We can be together,
just the two of us,
doing anything we want.
There is no "we."
This is it.
Let's do this.
Can I help you, ma'am?
Um, hi, yes,
um, we need your help.
We have a dead body, and there's this guy,
and he's trying to kill us...
Please press the button
before speaking, ma'am.
Oh, my God!
We have a dead body,
someone is trying to kill us.
Open the fucking door!
Oh, come, come.
Is that...
Yeah, yes, yes.
Well, shit.
Where are his goddamn teeth?
Oh, my God, why does everyone
keep pulling guns on us?
We don't got time for this, all right?
He's gonna kill us.
Who?
Oh, shit, I knew that was gonna happen!
- Get in! - I'm coming!
No. No.
No, no.
No!
I'm sorry, guys.
I can't fuckin' do this.
I am out!
What?
Come back, you asshole!
- Jack! - Fuck!
Okay.
- Where'd he go? - I don't know.
God, what is my deal?
I'm sorry, Dorothy.
I'm sorry I got us into this.
I'm sorry I'm always up in everyone's face,
I'm always pressuring people into doing shit.
I'm sorry I can never stop running my fucking mouth.
Calm down, it's fine.
Um, what the...
what the fuck are you doing?
Somebody's trying to kill us right now.
- Are you... - Right, no, I...
Fuck you. Go.
Go to the incinerator please.
Yeah, okay.
Wait, what am I supposed to do
once I find it?
It's an oven, Alan.
Do you know how to turn on an oven?
Uh, okay.
Where the fuck are you?
Fuck.
Good luck getting in here.
Fuck!
Shit.
What is wrong with you?
Keep it together.
You fuckin' pussy.
You got this.
Jack!
_
Alan!
Seriously, that's all you have?
It was all I could find, Dorothy.
Oh, my God, you scared the shit outta me.
Is this it, this is it?
Yeah, it's gonna take a minute to heat up.
We don't have a minute, Alan.
The son of a bitch is in the building.
- What? - Yeah.
Are you serious?
It has to get to like 1400 degrees
or it's not gonna work.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, we're gonna die tonight.
We're gonna die tonight.
We're gonna fucking die tonight.
No, no, um, um, okay,
don't check out on me now.
Just get this thing going,
I have an idea.
Oh, fuck.
Shit.
Please, God.
Please let me live.
Please, little sweet baby Jesus.
Please let me live.
I'll give all my money to kids.
I promise.
I'll live my life like it's Christmas every day.
I'll live my life in the past,
the present, and the future.
I will never do any drugs,
and I won't disrespect women.
Oh please, sweet Jesus, let me live.
Okay, okay.
No, no!
Shit.
Ah.
Don't worry.
I'm just gonna take the body,
and then you can go home.
I'm sor...
I am so sorry,
I really did think I could do that
with a straight face there.
Where's the girl?
Okay.
Careful now.
You don't want to miss me
and hit your boyfriend there.
Fucking shoot him!
Fucking hold him still!
Fuck!
Find the goddamn gun!
I can't reach it!
I got it.
This is what death looks like, boy.
I hope that one drink was worth it.
How does death look now, asshole?
Huh.
Jesus Christ.
I only asked you to deliver him.
You said you wanted to make a statement.
There's your statement.
The money is transferred.
I trust if you're satisfied
we can put tonight's... difficulties
behind us.
Have all the complications been dealt with?
No loose ends.
You hear that BS?
The phone is dead.
Even the phone is dead!
I killed you.
Hell is empty,
and all the devils are here.
I just wanted
a little bit of what you had.
But I'm a fast learner.
Stabbing me wasn't very nice.
Maggie!
But can I tell you a secret?
I'm so happy to be rid of any delusions.
No, no.
Costume.
Amazeballs.
CREDITS