1 00:00:00,107 --> 00:00:01,685 "Will and Grace is recorded 2 00:00:01,709 --> 00:00:03,711 in front of a live studio audience. 3 00:00:04,952 --> 00:00:06,930 Hi, thank you for coming. 4 00:00:06,954 --> 00:00:09,093 I'm Grace Adler... I live in the building... 5 00:00:09,117 --> 00:00:10,289 and I'm running for President 6 00:00:10,313 --> 00:00:12,576 of the New York Society for Interior Designers. 7 00:00:12,600 --> 00:00:14,939 I actually just redecorated this lobby. 8 00:00:14,963 --> 00:00:17,341 - What's your name, again? - Sharon Timmer. 9 00:00:17,365 --> 00:00:21,009 I've lived directly below you for 19 years. 10 00:00:22,530 --> 00:00:23,988 I took you to Urgent Care 11 00:00:24,012 --> 00:00:26,054 that time a spider bit your neck. 12 00:00:30,859 --> 00:00:33,438 Could you move? I want to get my mail. 13 00:00:33,462 --> 00:00:35,960 Why'd you let me talk for so long? 14 00:00:35,984 --> 00:00:37,362 Hi, Mrs. Timmer. 15 00:00:37,386 --> 00:00:39,324 Your wife is yappy and rude. 16 00:00:39,348 --> 00:00:41,066 That's why we never have sex. 17 00:00:45,874 --> 00:00:47,492 Where is Jack? 18 00:00:47,516 --> 00:00:49,374 I bribed him with five yoga classes 19 00:00:49,398 --> 00:00:52,537 to get him to subtly blend in and drum up votes. 20 00:01:02,612 --> 00:01:04,870 Wow! 21 00:01:04,894 --> 00:01:07,072 Who redesigned the lobby of this building 22 00:01:07,096 --> 00:01:08,954 I don't live in? 23 00:01:08,978 --> 00:01:10,596 Grace Adler, you say? 24 00:01:10,620 --> 00:01:13,703 She sounds single and ready to try too hard. 25 00:01:14,904 --> 00:01:18,044 I told you to dress like a serious interior designer. 26 00:01:18,068 --> 00:01:20,710 I can see the outline of your lulu-lemons. 27 00:01:21,911 --> 00:01:23,569 You know what, Grace? 28 00:01:23,593 --> 00:01:27,053 I fulfilled my rear-end of this bargain, okay? 29 00:01:27,077 --> 00:01:29,055 So I'm going to yoga class... 30 00:01:29,079 --> 00:01:31,577 where they encourage us to hold in our farts 31 00:01:31,601 --> 00:01:34,981 and steer clear away from toxic people, okay? 32 00:01:35,005 --> 00:01:37,383 So nama-stay away from me. 33 00:01:37,407 --> 00:01:39,506 Hi, Mrs. Timmer! 34 00:01:44,079 --> 00:01:52,085 Synced & corrected by -robtor- www.addic7ed.com 35 00:01:52,476 --> 00:01:53,934 Here you go. 36 00:01:54,105 --> 00:01:55,849 You're welcome. 37 00:01:56,627 --> 00:01:58,685 Yeah. Yeah, you. I held the door for you. 38 00:01:58,709 --> 00:02:00,047 You're supposed to say "thank you." 39 00:02:00,071 --> 00:02:02,009 It's called a social contract when someone... 40 00:02:02,033 --> 00:02:04,451 don't walk away! Don't walk away! 41 00:02:04,475 --> 00:02:07,855 I'm teaching you manners, you frickin' Neanderthal! 42 00:02:07,879 --> 00:02:09,777 - Will, Will, Will. - Hmm? 43 00:02:09,801 --> 00:02:11,178 Twitter celebrity sighting. 44 00:02:11,202 --> 00:02:13,420 The West Side Curmudgeon is here. 45 00:02:13,444 --> 00:02:14,942 I love him! 46 00:02:14,966 --> 00:02:16,984 He hates the things we hate and Tweets about it! 47 00:02:17,008 --> 00:02:19,707 Should I go over and fan-girl out on him? 48 00:02:19,731 --> 00:02:21,733 - Oh, I wouldn't. - Okay, well, we're different. 49 00:02:24,736 --> 00:02:26,794 I know who you are. 50 00:02:26,818 --> 00:02:27,955 Okay. 51 00:02:27,979 --> 00:02:29,797 You're the West Side Curmudgeon. 52 00:02:29,821 --> 00:02:31,960 It's not a secret, so you can stop talking 53 00:02:31,984 --> 00:02:34,082 like a drug dealer on a kids' show. 54 00:02:34,106 --> 00:02:37,245 Genius! 55 00:02:37,269 --> 00:02:38,725 You're delivering! 56 00:02:39,671 --> 00:02:42,651 Oh, I... I read your feed every day. 57 00:02:42,675 --> 00:02:44,693 I mean, we hate all the same things. 58 00:02:44,717 --> 00:02:46,975 - TV and taxis and... - Chatty redheads? 59 00:02:46,999 --> 00:02:48,657 Yeah, the worst. 60 00:02:48,681 --> 00:02:51,415 - I'm Grace. - Noah. 61 00:02:51,439 --> 00:02:53,822 - So, uh, what is this? - Oh, oh. 62 00:02:53,846 --> 00:02:56,008 Well, I, um... over here. 63 00:02:57,058 --> 00:02:58,824 I am running for President 64 00:02:58,848 --> 00:03:02,111 of the New York Society of Interior Designers. 65 00:03:02,135 --> 00:03:04,513 And you have a ton of followers, 66 00:03:04,537 --> 00:03:07,236 and I would love a shout-out. 67 00:03:07,260 --> 00:03:08,837 What? No, I'm not here for the... 68 00:03:08,861 --> 00:03:11,240 I saw a crowd and thought there'd be appetizers. 69 00:03:11,264 --> 00:03:12,802 I so get that. 70 00:03:12,826 --> 00:03:14,724 I was technically a Scientologist 71 00:03:14,748 --> 00:03:17,006 for, like, a minute because their welcome center 72 00:03:17,030 --> 00:03:18,888 had great chicken salad. 73 00:03:18,912 --> 00:03:21,490 I... I was in AA for the donuts 74 00:03:21,514 --> 00:03:23,562 but left because of the camaraderie. 75 00:03:25,919 --> 00:03:28,217 Are we the same person? 76 00:03:28,241 --> 00:03:30,900 I don't know, did you ex-wife pound on your door this morning 77 00:03:30,924 --> 00:03:32,662 looking for money? 78 00:03:32,686 --> 00:03:35,705 That's who that was! 79 00:03:39,653 --> 00:03:42,032 Just kidding. Um, my ex is a man. 80 00:03:42,056 --> 00:03:44,034 I like men. Oh, not plural. 81 00:03:44,058 --> 00:03:45,675 One at a time. 82 00:03:45,699 --> 00:03:48,198 And... and with a reasonable amount of time 83 00:03:48,222 --> 00:03:50,040 between them. 84 00:03:50,064 --> 00:03:52,522 But what is reasonable, really? 85 00:03:52,546 --> 00:03:54,204 Oh, chatty redhead. 86 00:03:54,228 --> 00:03:55,719 Just got that. 87 00:03:56,230 --> 00:03:59,233 Well, uh, see you around the neighborhood. 88 00:04:01,275 --> 00:04:03,053 Do you mind if I keep a pamphlet? 89 00:04:03,077 --> 00:04:06,216 Of course. Um, spoiler alert, there are a lot of pictures inside 90 00:04:06,240 --> 00:04:08,273 of me making this face. 91 00:04:08,923 --> 00:04:10,275 Can't wait. 92 00:04:11,286 --> 00:04:13,487 - Bye, Grace. - Bye, Noah. 93 00:04:13,968 --> 00:04:15,847 Hey, can you hold it... hold the door! 94 00:04:17,092 --> 00:04:19,030 How'd it go? 95 00:04:19,054 --> 00:04:20,751 Oh, so good. 96 00:04:20,775 --> 00:04:22,794 You know when someone has a dog who hates everyone 97 00:04:22,818 --> 00:04:24,595 but it just comes right up and licks you? 98 00:04:24,619 --> 00:04:26,166 It's like that, but human. 99 00:04:27,062 --> 00:04:29,000 And he asked if he could keep 100 00:04:29,024 --> 00:04:30,281 my pamphlet. 101 00:04:30,305 --> 00:04:32,203 Maybe he wanted to keep your pamphlet 102 00:04:32,227 --> 00:04:33,765 to mock you on Twitter. 103 00:04:33,789 --> 00:04:35,166 He is the West Side Curmudgeon. 104 00:04:35,190 --> 00:04:37,088 No, Will. We hit it off. 105 00:04:37,112 --> 00:04:39,931 He took the pamphlet because my contact information 106 00:04:39,955 --> 00:04:42,574 is on there and he probably wants to ask me out or... 107 00:04:42,598 --> 00:04:44,376 he's already mocked me on Twitter, hasn't he? 108 00:04:44,400 --> 00:04:46,218 It's a picture of your pamphlet that says, 109 00:04:46,242 --> 00:04:48,900 "Hi, I'm Grace Adler, and I'm running for President 110 00:04:48,924 --> 00:04:50,340 of the Dumbest Thing in New York." 111 00:04:50,364 --> 00:04:51,730 What? 112 00:04:51,754 --> 00:04:53,929 No! Let me see! 113 00:05:00,889 --> 00:05:03,292 Grace, is Will here? 114 00:05:12,549 --> 00:05:14,180 I'll get him. 115 00:05:18,688 --> 00:05:20,186 Hey, what's up? 116 00:05:20,210 --> 00:05:23,829 You are not going to believe this. 117 00:05:23,853 --> 00:05:26,712 I just saw my boobs 118 00:05:26,736 --> 00:05:30,236 walking down Madison Avenue. 119 00:05:30,260 --> 00:05:31,998 That's why the little label 120 00:05:32,022 --> 00:05:34,705 on the pill bottle says, "Do not mix with alcohol." 121 00:05:36,266 --> 00:05:38,885 Hey, I'm serious! I was on my way to Bergdorf 122 00:05:38,909 --> 00:05:40,767 and I saw a woman coming up 123 00:05:40,791 --> 00:05:43,249 out of a hole in the ground. 124 00:05:43,273 --> 00:05:45,245 The subway. Continue. 125 00:05:45,916 --> 00:05:49,256 And I looked right at her chest and I said, 126 00:05:49,280 --> 00:05:50,709 "Hey. 127 00:05:51,802 --> 00:05:54,645 Haven't I seen you somewhere before?" 128 00:05:55,806 --> 00:05:57,784 And she said, "I don't think so." 129 00:05:57,808 --> 00:06:00,227 And I said, "I'm not talking to you. 130 00:06:00,251 --> 00:06:02,733 I'm talking to yous." 131 00:06:04,775 --> 00:06:06,353 And she said, "Oh, yeah. 132 00:06:06,377 --> 00:06:07,915 "I just got 'em done. 133 00:06:07,939 --> 00:06:11,646 They're called 'Karen Walkers.'" 134 00:06:18,630 --> 00:06:19,927 Wow. 135 00:06:19,951 --> 00:06:22,770 I... I got a million questions and I... 136 00:06:22,794 --> 00:06:25,573 I don't want to ask any of them. 137 00:06:25,597 --> 00:06:26,974 And then... 138 00:06:26,998 --> 00:06:28,976 and then she said, "Oh, oh, 139 00:06:29,000 --> 00:06:31,339 "you look like you got a pair of Walkers yourself. 140 00:06:31,363 --> 00:06:32,940 "Have you been to see 141 00:06:32,964 --> 00:06:35,903 Doctor DiLorenzo too?" 142 00:06:35,927 --> 00:06:37,305 And I said, 143 00:06:37,329 --> 00:06:40,909 "How dare you insinuate 144 00:06:40,933 --> 00:06:42,991 "that I would go 145 00:06:43,015 --> 00:06:45,938 to an Italian doctor." 146 00:06:51,624 --> 00:06:54,064 I don't know what you want from me. 147 00:06:55,147 --> 00:06:58,286 You're my lawyer! Stop this guy! 148 00:06:58,310 --> 00:07:00,008 I don't practice law anymore. 149 00:07:00,032 --> 00:07:02,010 Potato, potata. 150 00:07:02,034 --> 00:07:04,797 Start focusing on my tomatoes. 151 00:07:08,201 --> 00:07:11,060 You told me that you would have my back, 152 00:07:11,084 --> 00:07:14,944 and I just assumed that that would include my front, too. 153 00:07:14,968 --> 00:07:16,826 Okay, okay. I'll call his office 154 00:07:16,850 --> 00:07:18,948 and see if I can get him to knock off 155 00:07:18,972 --> 00:07:21,831 knocking off your knockers. 156 00:07:24,417 --> 00:07:28,077 That is such clever wordplay, she said out of pity 157 00:07:28,101 --> 00:07:30,725 as she tried to get out of the room. 158 00:07:34,468 --> 00:07:35,981 Will! 159 00:07:38,872 --> 00:07:40,130 I need to go with you and Karen 160 00:07:40,154 --> 00:07:41,811 to that plastic surgeon's office. 161 00:07:41,835 --> 00:07:43,373 - How do you even know? - I bumped into her 162 00:07:43,397 --> 00:07:45,175 in the hallway and she told me the whole story, 163 00:07:45,199 --> 00:07:47,177 including your attempt at clever wordplay. 164 00:07:47,201 --> 00:07:48,743 Bless your heart. 165 00:07:50,364 --> 00:07:53,103 And while we were waiting for a tray of brownies to cool, 166 00:07:53,127 --> 00:07:55,425 I told her I'm meeting Estefan's family from Spain 167 00:07:55,449 --> 00:07:57,668 in a video conference tomorrow night. 168 00:07:57,692 --> 00:07:59,750 And then we found a box full of pictures 169 00:07:59,774 --> 00:08:02,953 of Estefan's ex-boyfriends and they're all gorgeous! 170 00:08:02,977 --> 00:08:06,180 And Karen was like, "Honey, you got a problem." 171 00:08:07,702 --> 00:08:10,361 Seriously, she left one minute ago. 172 00:08:10,385 --> 00:08:12,787 Will, focus! I'm in a crisis! 173 00:08:17,071 --> 00:08:19,794 I can't FaceTime with this face. 174 00:08:22,998 --> 00:08:25,056 Jack, you don't need plastic surgery 175 00:08:25,080 --> 00:08:28,059 to have a video conference with your fiancé's family. 176 00:08:28,083 --> 00:08:30,021 I am not talking new cheeks and chin! 177 00:08:30,045 --> 00:08:31,342 Just shave off a couple layers. 178 00:08:31,366 --> 00:08:33,889 Get a little closer to my skull. 179 00:08:36,091 --> 00:08:37,909 I thought "knock off knocking off your knockers" 180 00:08:37,933 --> 00:08:40,111 deserved more love. 181 00:08:40,135 --> 00:08:42,547 Now I'm the guy who talks to himself. 182 00:08:43,258 --> 00:08:45,276 Eh, it's okay. 183 00:08:53,269 --> 00:08:54,559 Ha! 184 00:08:55,831 --> 00:08:57,970 I found you, Noah Broader. 185 00:08:57,994 --> 00:09:00,732 That's right. I know your last name. 186 00:09:00,756 --> 00:09:03,175 And I also know that you wrote one big novel 187 00:09:03,199 --> 00:09:05,818 15 years ago that I pretended to read 188 00:09:05,842 --> 00:09:07,219 because the print was much smaller 189 00:09:07,243 --> 00:09:09,061 than the cover suggested. 190 00:09:09,085 --> 00:09:12,168 Congrats on your five second Google search. 191 00:09:13,329 --> 00:09:14,787 Betty, can I get a rice pudding? 192 00:09:14,811 --> 00:09:16,388 This crazy woman is paying. 193 00:09:16,412 --> 00:09:18,471 Not crazy, totally sane, 194 00:09:18,495 --> 00:09:21,994 light stalking, not paying. 195 00:09:22,018 --> 00:09:23,556 If you're sitting here, you're paying. 196 00:09:23,580 --> 00:09:25,611 And a coffee. Do you want a coffee? 197 00:09:25,635 --> 00:09:27,200 It's on you. 198 00:09:27,224 --> 00:09:29,242 I'm not drinking coffee with you. 199 00:09:29,266 --> 00:09:31,284 That Tweet was very mean, 200 00:09:31,308 --> 00:09:33,206 especially after the way you flirted with me. 201 00:09:33,230 --> 00:09:35,168 Flirted? You mean when you talked 202 00:09:35,192 --> 00:09:37,010 and I didn't stop you? 203 00:09:37,034 --> 00:09:39,933 And you happened to mention your angry ex? 204 00:09:39,957 --> 00:09:42,039 Okay, I get it. You're single. 205 00:09:44,241 --> 00:09:47,541 - That's flirting. - You don't date much, do you? 206 00:09:47,565 --> 00:09:49,422 - And I made you smile. - No way. 207 00:09:49,446 --> 00:09:52,490 I only smile when old people and nuns fall. 208 00:09:53,891 --> 00:09:55,949 I made a joke about my pose 209 00:09:55,973 --> 00:09:58,071 in the pamphlet, remember? 210 00:09:58,095 --> 00:10:00,538 Yeah, and my face looked like this. 211 00:10:02,460 --> 00:10:04,037 Just... 212 00:10:04,061 --> 00:10:05,479 take down the Tweet, okay? 213 00:10:05,503 --> 00:10:07,521 - Yeah, I'm not gonna do that. - Seriously? 214 00:10:07,545 --> 00:10:09,203 Seriously. 215 00:10:09,227 --> 00:10:10,804 Great. 216 00:10:10,828 --> 00:10:12,366 Have a miserable life. 217 00:10:12,390 --> 00:10:14,128 - I'm done with you. - You're going... 218 00:10:14,152 --> 00:10:15,682 I said I'm done! 219 00:10:16,875 --> 00:10:18,876 - Front door is this way. - That's what I was trying to... 220 00:10:18,900 --> 00:10:20,975 Done! 221 00:10:24,643 --> 00:10:26,300 Where have you been? 222 00:10:26,324 --> 00:10:28,142 We gotta meet Karen at that doctor's office 223 00:10:28,166 --> 00:10:30,465 Keep your girdle on, Doreen. 224 00:10:30,489 --> 00:10:32,907 I had to pick up my numbing cream. 225 00:10:32,931 --> 00:10:34,909 I'm supposed to put this on an hour before 226 00:10:34,933 --> 00:10:38,096 they laser-blast my face back to 1990-sexy. 227 00:10:54,433 --> 00:10:57,052 Jack, don't become one of those gay guys 228 00:10:57,076 --> 00:10:58,534 that start getting everything done 229 00:10:58,558 --> 00:11:01,497 - as soon as he turns 40. - "One of those guys"? 230 00:11:01,521 --> 00:11:03,459 We are the only gay guys over 40 231 00:11:03,483 --> 00:11:05,461 who haven't at least gotten our eyes done. 232 00:11:05,485 --> 00:11:07,222 We're about to lose our membership to the gym 233 00:11:07,246 --> 00:11:08,735 in William-Sonoma. 234 00:11:09,569 --> 00:11:11,427 Larry hasn't gotten his eyes done. 235 00:11:11,451 --> 00:11:13,149 He still looks great. 236 00:11:13,173 --> 00:11:15,471 Larry absolutely did his eyes. 237 00:11:15,495 --> 00:11:18,074 Joe did his eyes and neck. 238 00:11:18,098 --> 00:11:20,036 Rory's done eyes, neck, ears, 239 00:11:20,060 --> 00:11:22,078 nose, head, shoulders, knees and toes, 240 00:11:22,102 --> 00:11:24,104 knees and toes. 241 00:11:25,425 --> 00:11:27,603 You're using way too much of that. 242 00:11:27,627 --> 00:11:29,325 Ooh, it tingles. 243 00:11:29,349 --> 00:11:31,247 God, will you please... 244 00:11:31,271 --> 00:11:33,530 be careful, you're getting it on your lips. 245 00:11:33,554 --> 00:11:35,692 Don't lick it off. 246 00:11:35,716 --> 00:11:37,253 Would you relax? 247 00:11:37,277 --> 00:11:39,335 It's fine. 248 00:11:42,122 --> 00:11:43,660 That's so... that's so weird! 249 00:11:43,684 --> 00:11:45,262 It's like... 250 00:11:45,286 --> 00:11:49,546 "Overuse may cause extreme facial numbness." 251 00:11:49,570 --> 00:11:51,903 How long does it last? 252 00:11:52,653 --> 00:11:56,393 - What? - How long does it last? 253 00:11:56,417 --> 00:11:59,436 Oh, "how long does it last." 254 00:11:59,460 --> 00:12:01,941 Uh, four hours. Why? 255 00:12:01,966 --> 00:12:03,200 I have to call Estefan 256 00:12:03,224 --> 00:12:05,362 at 7:00 tonight. 257 00:12:05,386 --> 00:12:07,124 What? 258 00:12:07,148 --> 00:12:09,911 I have to call Estefan at 7:00 tonight. 259 00:12:11,032 --> 00:12:12,650 What? 260 00:12:12,674 --> 00:12:15,493 - I have to call... - Oh, you have to call Estefan 261 00:12:15,517 --> 00:12:16,734 at 7:00 tonight. 262 00:12:16,758 --> 00:12:19,497 Well, that's 1:00 AM in Spain. 263 00:12:19,521 --> 00:12:21,299 You're sure he didn't mean 7:00 his time? 264 00:12:21,323 --> 00:12:23,301 'Cause that's right now. 265 00:12:23,325 --> 00:12:25,327 Oh, thi. 266 00:12:29,651 --> 00:12:31,309 Ah! My fingers don't work! 267 00:12:31,333 --> 00:12:33,335 My fingers don't work! 268 00:12:35,257 --> 00:12:38,116 "Contact with fingers and other sensitive areas 269 00:12:38,140 --> 00:12:40,198 may cause an unwanted reaction." 270 00:12:40,222 --> 00:12:42,320 That's good advice for your love life, too. 271 00:12:42,344 --> 00:12:44,122 Will, help me! I gotta make the call! 272 00:12:44,146 --> 00:12:45,644 Wait, it goes on. 273 00:12:45,668 --> 00:12:48,166 "In case of contact with tongue, 274 00:12:48,190 --> 00:12:51,289 eating a banana may reverse the effects." 275 00:12:51,313 --> 00:12:52,922 Really? 276 00:12:53,596 --> 00:12:56,279 Holy crap! I'll just eat a banana! 277 00:13:35,399 --> 00:13:37,697 You thon of a bith. 278 00:13:46,069 --> 00:13:48,287 Seriously, it's just one Tweet. 279 00:13:48,311 --> 00:13:50,647 Oh, good, you're back. You forgot to pay. 280 00:13:51,355 --> 00:13:54,093 Seriously, it could really hurt my campaign. 281 00:13:54,117 --> 00:13:55,295 Then you'd never get to be President 282 00:13:55,319 --> 00:13:57,137 of the made-up thing. 283 00:13:57,161 --> 00:13:59,259 It is not a made-up thing. 284 00:13:59,283 --> 00:14:01,982 It is a society dedicated to the advancement 285 00:14:02,006 --> 00:14:04,024 of design and beautification of New York. 286 00:14:04,048 --> 00:14:05,986 Don't take it personally, okay? 287 00:14:06,010 --> 00:14:08,909 I just think people like you are ruining the city. 288 00:14:08,933 --> 00:14:11,431 Did you know there are now more cupcake shops 289 00:14:11,455 --> 00:14:13,353 than porno theaters in my neighborhood? 290 00:14:13,377 --> 00:14:15,546 Who wants to live in that world? 291 00:14:16,300 --> 00:14:17,718 I do! 292 00:14:17,742 --> 00:14:19,279 Porn is gross, and we are living 293 00:14:19,303 --> 00:14:21,719 in the golden age of cupcakes. 294 00:14:22,867 --> 00:14:25,406 New York doesn't need "beautification," okay? 295 00:14:25,430 --> 00:14:26,847 It needs uglification. 296 00:14:26,871 --> 00:14:29,049 Bring back Lincoln Plaza Cinemas and... 297 00:14:29,073 --> 00:14:30,307 and Little Mike's. 298 00:14:30,331 --> 00:14:33,294 I found a mouse in my soda at Little Mike's once. 299 00:14:33,318 --> 00:14:35,191 It hadn't finished drowning yet. 300 00:14:41,286 --> 00:14:43,929 So you drink around it! It's New York! 301 00:14:46,291 --> 00:14:47,869 You know what I think? 302 00:14:47,893 --> 00:14:50,031 I think you are a miserable, cynical person 303 00:14:50,055 --> 00:14:51,953 who finds fault with everything 304 00:14:51,977 --> 00:14:54,756 because you're alone in your sad apartment on Amsterdam, 305 00:14:54,780 --> 00:14:57,318 and your life didn't turn out the way you wanted it to. 306 00:14:57,342 --> 00:14:59,841 It's almost as if I'm a curmudgeon 307 00:14:59,865 --> 00:15:02,187 who lives on the West Side. 308 00:15:03,469 --> 00:15:06,087 And you follow me because you're also angry 309 00:15:06,111 --> 00:15:07,889 that life didn't turn out the way you wanted. 310 00:15:07,913 --> 00:15:09,491 - My life is terrific. - Oh, really? 311 00:15:09,515 --> 00:15:12,174 You wanted to be divorced and alone in your late 40s? 312 00:15:12,198 --> 00:15:16,082 Hey! I am in my late-mid 40s. 313 00:15:19,205 --> 00:15:21,063 And I am not alone. 314 00:15:21,087 --> 00:15:22,985 I live with my gay best friend. 315 00:15:23,009 --> 00:15:25,324 So you have realized your dream. 316 00:15:26,092 --> 00:15:27,750 You know what? You don't know 317 00:15:27,774 --> 00:15:29,271 anything about me, 318 00:15:29,295 --> 00:15:31,394 and if I was better at thinking 319 00:15:31,418 --> 00:15:33,356 of devastating things in the moment, 320 00:15:33,380 --> 00:15:35,958 I would so destroy you right now. 321 00:15:35,982 --> 00:15:38,080 But they always come to me ten minutes too late, 322 00:15:38,104 --> 00:15:40,403 so I am done with you. 323 00:15:40,427 --> 00:15:41,841 I know! 324 00:15:44,271 --> 00:15:47,250 There really should be an exit right there. 325 00:16:07,294 --> 00:16:09,513 Hello! 326 00:16:09,537 --> 00:16:13,237 Why are you wearing so much sun block inside? 327 00:16:13,261 --> 00:16:15,359 No, no, wait, wait, wait! 328 00:16:15,383 --> 00:16:17,521 You are nervous, but they will love you 329 00:16:17,545 --> 00:16:19,163 because I love you. 330 00:16:19,187 --> 00:16:20,524 Oh, one tiny thing. 331 00:16:20,548 --> 00:16:22,846 My father has very recently 332 00:16:22,870 --> 00:16:24,509 suffered a stroke. 333 00:16:27,115 --> 00:16:30,198 So, please, do not call attention to it. 334 00:16:32,440 --> 00:16:34,458 Papa, Jack. 335 00:16:38,807 --> 00:16:40,545 Jack, what are you doing? 336 00:16:40,569 --> 00:16:42,266 I can't feel my face! 337 00:16:42,290 --> 00:16:44,228 - I can't feel my face. - Oh, yes, 338 00:16:44,252 --> 00:16:47,031 keep mocking my poor papa, mister funny man. 339 00:16:47,055 --> 00:16:49,234 You think you are some kind of a John Mulaney, 340 00:16:49,258 --> 00:16:52,245 but your humor is cruel like Daniel Tosh. 341 00:16:53,021 --> 00:16:54,399 No, no! 342 00:16:54,423 --> 00:16:55,389 My face is numb 343 00:16:55,413 --> 00:16:56,778 because I used too much prescription medicine 344 00:16:56,802 --> 00:16:58,092 because I was gonna get a cosmetic procedure 345 00:16:58,116 --> 00:16:59,477 so I can be as gorgeous as your other boyfriend. 346 00:17:00,937 --> 00:17:02,314 Oh! 347 00:17:02,339 --> 00:17:04,117 You can't feel your face because you used too much 348 00:17:04,142 --> 00:17:05,760 prescription medicine because you were going to have 349 00:17:05,785 --> 00:17:06,922 a cosmetic procedure so you can be as gorgeous 350 00:17:06,947 --> 00:17:08,645 as my other boyfriends? 351 00:17:08,918 --> 00:17:11,016 I'm so sorry, Estefan. 352 00:17:11,040 --> 00:17:12,417 Don't you know? 353 00:17:12,441 --> 00:17:14,099 You are beautiful. 354 00:17:14,123 --> 00:17:15,821 An eternal boy. 355 00:17:15,845 --> 00:17:17,182 You're like Peter Pan, 356 00:17:17,206 --> 00:17:18,855 but you look even better in tights. 357 00:17:20,249 --> 00:17:22,468 - I love you. - I love you, too. 358 00:17:27,533 --> 00:17:30,071 That was Dr. DiLorenzo's office. 359 00:17:30,095 --> 00:17:32,073 They will no longer be using your name 360 00:17:32,097 --> 00:17:33,595 for his implants. 361 00:17:33,619 --> 00:17:35,637 They'll now be called "Ah-oogahs." 362 00:17:35,661 --> 00:17:37,663 Mm. 363 00:17:39,585 --> 00:17:42,164 - So I guess we won. - Huh. 364 00:17:42,188 --> 00:17:44,486 Normally, ruining an Italian's business 365 00:17:44,510 --> 00:17:46,174 would make my day. 366 00:17:50,797 --> 00:17:53,455 But there are still younger women out there 367 00:17:53,479 --> 00:17:55,385 wearing my best asset. 368 00:17:55,386 --> 00:17:56,882 Oh, come on, Karen. 369 00:17:56,906 --> 00:17:59,165 You're a gorgeous woman and as... as long 370 00:17:59,189 --> 00:18:01,207 as that contract you signed in blood holds up 371 00:18:01,231 --> 00:18:02,857 you'll be gorgeous for eternity. 372 00:18:03,593 --> 00:18:06,836 If you can't trust Satan, who can you trust? 373 00:18:10,400 --> 00:18:12,498 Eh, getting older sucks. 374 00:18:12,522 --> 00:18:15,061 - And we're only getting older. - Mm. 375 00:18:15,085 --> 00:18:17,463 Every second, closer to death. 376 00:18:17,487 --> 00:18:19,906 And now we're closer. 377 00:18:19,930 --> 00:18:22,108 And now we're closer. 378 00:18:22,132 --> 00:18:23,630 - And now... - Okay, another... another way 379 00:18:23,654 --> 00:18:25,351 to look at it is... 380 00:18:25,375 --> 00:18:27,394 is right now, we're the youngest 381 00:18:27,418 --> 00:18:30,317 we'll ever be, so we might as well enjoy it. 382 00:18:30,341 --> 00:18:32,239 Oh, that's true, honey. 383 00:18:32,263 --> 00:18:34,361 Plus, who cares if we're getting older? 384 00:18:34,385 --> 00:18:36,082 We're both filthy ri... 385 00:18:36,106 --> 00:18:38,949 I mean, age is only a number. 386 00:18:45,156 --> 00:18:47,254 You're an awful human being, 387 00:18:47,278 --> 00:18:49,256 and I'll always be here for you. 388 00:18:49,280 --> 00:18:51,418 I know that about you. 389 00:18:56,087 --> 00:18:59,170 Okay, I thought of exactly what I want to say to you. 390 00:19:00,331 --> 00:19:02,390 Is it nice? I bet it's nice. 391 00:19:02,414 --> 00:19:04,271 You're a coward. 392 00:19:04,295 --> 00:19:05,633 You're afraid of failure, 393 00:19:05,657 --> 00:19:07,715 so you never wrote another book again. 394 00:19:07,739 --> 00:19:09,357 You flirt with me but then you deny it 395 00:19:09,381 --> 00:19:10,958 so you don't have to be exposed. 396 00:19:10,982 --> 00:19:13,361 You lob little insults at the world 397 00:19:13,385 --> 00:19:16,444 and it's all so safe. 398 00:19:16,468 --> 00:19:18,526 Look, I know you think what I do is lame, 399 00:19:18,550 --> 00:19:20,328 but at least I try. 400 00:19:20,352 --> 00:19:21,689 I take something bad 401 00:19:21,713 --> 00:19:24,692 and I try to make it better. 402 00:19:24,716 --> 00:19:27,696 Without that... without the possibility 403 00:19:27,720 --> 00:19:31,019 for a little joy or beauty in your life... 404 00:19:31,043 --> 00:19:33,125 what's the point? 405 00:19:34,006 --> 00:19:35,303 Nice monologue. 406 00:19:35,327 --> 00:19:36,545 You must have majored in theater 407 00:19:36,569 --> 00:19:38,160 when you were at NYU. 408 00:19:39,652 --> 00:19:41,269 Just because I memorized it 409 00:19:41,293 --> 00:19:43,456 and wrote it down on this napkin... 410 00:19:45,017 --> 00:19:47,700 That's toilet paper. Where did you write this? 411 00:19:53,746 --> 00:19:56,950 Where I find inspiration is none of your business. 412 00:19:58,231 --> 00:20:00,529 Wait, how did you know I went to NYU? 413 00:20:00,553 --> 00:20:02,211 What? You told me. 414 00:20:02,235 --> 00:20:03,602 No, I didn't. 415 00:20:04,517 --> 00:20:07,216 You Googled me. 416 00:20:07,240 --> 00:20:10,109 - I did not. - Oh, but you did. 417 00:20:11,725 --> 00:20:14,303 Let me see your search history. 418 00:20:14,327 --> 00:20:17,050 You do not want to see my search history. 419 00:20:19,373 --> 00:20:21,070 Fine. Fine. 420 00:20:21,094 --> 00:20:22,672 I Googled you, all right? 421 00:20:22,696 --> 00:20:25,675 But that... that doesn't mean... it's not because... that... 422 00:20:25,699 --> 00:20:27,197 listen. 423 00:20:27,221 --> 00:20:29,663 I had no... this... 424 00:20:35,309 --> 00:20:36,526 Wow. 425 00:20:36,550 --> 00:20:38,048 Do you need to storm out 426 00:20:38,072 --> 00:20:40,050 and gather your thoughts? 427 00:20:40,074 --> 00:20:42,236 The exit's that way. 428 00:20:44,398 --> 00:20:45,816 Huh. 429 00:20:45,840 --> 00:20:47,842 "Huh" what? 430 00:20:48,763 --> 00:20:50,441 Just "huh." 431 00:20:52,647 --> 00:20:54,278 I'll take down the Tweet. 432 00:20:55,029 --> 00:20:56,771 Thank you. 433 00:20:58,413 --> 00:21:00,415 You want a rice pudding? 434 00:21:05,700 --> 00:21:07,041 Sure. 435 00:21:08,864 --> 00:21:11,506 Might be a while. The service is terrible. 436 00:21:12,748 --> 00:21:14,465 I'm not in a hurry.