1
00:00:01,406 --> 00:00:04,868
It seems today that all you see

2
00:00:04,902 --> 00:00:08,171
Is violence in movies and sex on TV

3
00:00:08,172 --> 00:00:11,741
But where are those
good old-fashioned values

4
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On which we used to rely?

5
00:00:14,812 --> 00:00:18,248
Lucky there's a family guy

6
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Lucky there's a man
who positively can do

7
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All the things that make us

8
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Laugh and cry

9
00:00:24,660 --> 00:00:30,198
He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy!

10
00:00:31,032 --> 00:00:34,575
- Synced and corrected by AlexandreMT -
- www.addic7ed.com -

11
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Brian, why are you dressed like a douche

12
00:00:44,386 --> 00:00:46,454
who hangs out with multiracial friends

13
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in a McDonald's commercial?

14
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Okay.

15
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All right, that'll do.

16
00:00:51,436 --> 00:00:53,394
Well, I'm heading out. See y'all.

17
00:00:53,428 --> 00:00:55,206
Hey, Brian, that hat
makes you look like a wang.

18
00:00:55,208 --> 00:00:57,832
Squat and white
with a dark mushroom cap,

19
00:00:57,866 --> 00:01:00,267
- like Michael Jackson.
- Is that true?

20
00:01:01,703 --> 00:01:02,714
Yes.

21
00:01:02,716 --> 00:01:05,706
Let me guess, Bri.
You're off to try and get laid

22
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- at some sad nightclub.
- Shut up, Stewie.

23
00:01:07,909 --> 00:01:09,376
I'm not just out for sex.

24
00:01:09,411 --> 00:01:12,413
I want a woman who I can spend
the rest of my life with.

25
00:01:12,447 --> 00:01:13,812
I simply haven't found her yet.

26
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And you never will, because the truth is

27
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you're a selfish horndog who's
getting too old for the game.

28
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I beg to differ.
I think I've got the lingo

29
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of today's lady down pat.

30
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Hey. Might I Pinterest you
in a drink-point-oh?

31
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Ladies.

32
00:01:37,205 --> 00:01:39,840
How about the Verizon guy
moving over to Sprint? Huh?

33
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That seems kind of wack, right?

34
00:01:41,877 --> 00:01:44,912
- Like, zero chill.
- I can't understand you.

35
00:01:44,946 --> 00:01:47,197
Does anyone here speak Old Dude?

36
00:01:47,198 --> 00:01:49,950
Is Bernie Sanders here bothering you?

37
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Another bourbon, please.

38
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- Shut up, dick.
- Wha...?

39
00:01:56,858 --> 00:01:59,627
- Why do I come here?
- Tell me about it.

40
00:01:59,661 --> 00:02:02,429
He called me a dick earlier.

41
00:02:02,464 --> 00:02:04,532
- I'm Jess.
- Thanks. I'm Brian.

42
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Well, Jess, bottoms up.

43
00:02:06,301 --> 00:02:08,469
If you're lucky.

44
00:02:09,271 --> 00:02:11,438
So, this place, uh...

45
00:02:11,473 --> 00:02:13,674
it's worse than Syria, don't you think?

46
00:02:13,708 --> 00:02:16,018
Yes! Everything about it is awful.

47
00:02:16,020 --> 00:02:17,511
The people, the music...

48
00:02:17,546 --> 00:02:19,713
- If you can call it music.
- If you can call it music.

49
00:02:19,748 --> 00:02:22,616
Oh, my God, we were grumpy
and bitter at the same time.

50
00:02:22,651 --> 00:02:25,119
I like you, Brian.

51
00:02:25,153 --> 00:02:27,388
You actually say what's on your mind.

52
00:02:27,422 --> 00:02:28,956
Hey, life's too short, right?

53
00:02:28,990 --> 00:02:29,992
Tell me about it.

54
00:02:30,032 --> 00:02:32,834
I've been diagnosed
with non-Hodgkin's lymphoma.

55
00:02:32,869 --> 00:02:34,870
Oh, you know, cancer?

56
00:02:34,904 --> 00:02:36,972
Oh, my God, I thought I smelled cancer.

57
00:02:37,006 --> 00:02:38,974
Still want to go back to my place?

58
00:02:39,008 --> 00:02:41,410
Sounds great. Or, as young people say,

59
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"Hashtag yes!"

60
00:02:55,494 --> 00:02:57,628
- Whew!
- That was incredible.

61
00:02:57,663 --> 00:03:00,464
And hey, sorry I barked
when you took your pants off.

62
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I thought it was a squirrel.

63
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Ready to go again?

64
00:03:03,235 --> 00:03:04,535
Oh, I need time.

65
00:03:04,569 --> 00:03:06,804
I'm still recovering
from that one thing you did

66
00:03:06,838 --> 00:03:09,140
that was so obscene,
it couldn't even be described

67
00:03:09,174 --> 00:03:11,342
on lame, dying network TV.

68
00:03:11,376 --> 00:03:12,686
Have you always been so...

69
00:03:12,688 --> 00:03:15,479
Freaky? No. But when I got my diagnosis,

70
00:03:15,514 --> 00:03:19,350
I made a bucket list
of wild sex stuff I want to try.

71
00:03:19,909 --> 00:03:22,820
Jess, I would like
to help you cross off

72
00:03:22,854 --> 00:03:24,922
every single item on this list.

73
00:03:24,956 --> 00:03:27,158
Aw. You would do that for me?

74
00:03:27,192 --> 00:03:28,793
All except for number 17.

75
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I'm allergic to chocolate.

76
00:03:30,228 --> 00:03:32,530
But isn't that only if you eat it?

77
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You know what? Let me make a phone call.

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00:03:46,211 --> 00:03:47,845
Oh...

79
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Yeah!

80
00:04:13,772 --> 00:04:15,806
Brian, I'm glad
your girlfriend could join us

81
00:04:15,841 --> 00:04:17,875
- for dinner tonight.
- Thanks, Lois.

82
00:04:17,909 --> 00:04:19,877
And when she gets back
from the bathroom,

83
00:04:19,911 --> 00:04:21,879
none of you say anything about cancer.

84
00:04:21,913 --> 00:04:24,081
I'm serious. I really enjoy
spending time with this woman,

85
00:04:24,116 --> 00:04:26,217
and I don't want you ruining it for me.

86
00:04:26,251 --> 00:04:28,219
- Okay, okay, promise.
- Of course. We got it.

87
00:04:28,253 --> 00:04:29,920
Lois, you didn't have to go
through all this trouble.

88
00:04:29,955 --> 00:04:32,923
It's like a whole Thanksgiving dinner.

89
00:04:32,958 --> 00:04:34,525
Oh, it's no problem, Jess.

90
00:04:34,559 --> 00:04:36,127
We're happy to have you.

91
00:04:36,161 --> 00:04:38,429
Chris, pass me a turkey leg, would you?

92
00:04:38,463 --> 00:04:40,097
I prefer the limbs.

93
00:04:40,132 --> 00:04:42,666
I got a "limb fo' Ma."

94
00:04:42,701 --> 00:04:45,603
Uh, let's stop talking
about the food. All right?

95
00:04:45,637 --> 00:04:47,705
Anyone seen any good movies lately?

96
00:04:47,739 --> 00:04:49,373
I saw that new Tom Hanks movie.

97
00:04:49,407 --> 00:04:51,375
Oh, man, I love every Tom Hanks movie,

98
00:04:51,409 --> 00:04:53,043
except The Terminal.

99
00:04:53,078 --> 00:04:55,045
There's nothing worse than
when you're flipping channels,

100
00:04:55,080 --> 00:04:57,047
and you're like,
"Oh, God, it's Terminal.

101
00:04:57,082 --> 00:04:58,315
"Don't say it's Terminal.

102
00:04:58,350 --> 00:05:00,217
"God, what have I done to deserve this?

103
00:05:00,252 --> 00:05:02,219
Why does it have to be Terminal?!"

104
00:05:02,254 --> 00:05:05,189
Sir, I will tell you
a great Tom Hanks movie:

105
00:05:05,223 --> 00:05:07,491
Catch Me If You Can, sir.

106
00:05:07,526 --> 00:05:09,593
You have literally
never called Peter "sir."

107
00:05:09,628 --> 00:05:12,096
Well, I've never told you
that I can't throw a boomerang,

108
00:05:12,130 --> 00:05:13,464
but it's true.

109
00:05:19,311 --> 00:05:21,445
See? I told you. But at least
I don't have cancer,

110
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- like your girlfriend.
- That's it.

111
00:05:23,315 --> 00:05:25,015
I'm getting you out of here.

112
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I like your family. They're scumbags.

113
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I like you.

114
00:05:35,660 --> 00:05:37,194
No, Jess...

115
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I really like you.

116
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I can't remember the last time
I felt this happy.

117
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I feel dizzy.

118
00:05:52,744 --> 00:05:54,044
Me, too.

119
00:05:54,079 --> 00:05:56,380
This all happened so fast, I...

120
00:05:56,414 --> 00:05:58,048
Jess? Are you okay?

121
00:06:00,018 --> 00:06:01,085
Jess?

122
00:06:01,119 --> 00:06:03,087
Are you guys still leaving?

123
00:06:03,121 --> 00:06:05,122
Oh. Yeah. Sorry.

124
00:06:18,603 --> 00:06:19,903
Wait, where's Dr. Hartman?

125
00:06:19,938 --> 00:06:21,905
I'm afraid Jess's condition
is too serious

126
00:06:21,940 --> 00:06:23,907
to be announced by Dr. Hartman.

127
00:06:23,942 --> 00:06:26,243
So they sent me, Dr. Gravitas.

128
00:06:26,277 --> 00:06:28,345
- Oh... boy.
- Uh-oh.

129
00:06:28,380 --> 00:06:30,247
Jess, I'll come right out and say it.

130
00:06:30,281 --> 00:06:32,116
The cancer did not respond to treatment

131
00:06:32,150 --> 00:06:34,251
and has spread throughout your body.

132
00:06:34,285 --> 00:06:36,787
You've got approximately
two weeks left to live.

133
00:06:36,821 --> 00:06:38,288
Oh, my God.

134
00:06:38,323 --> 00:06:39,657
Oh...

135
00:06:41,292 --> 00:06:43,360
I'm so sorry, Jess.

136
00:06:43,395 --> 00:06:45,229
If there's anything I can do...

137
00:06:45,263 --> 00:06:46,730
No, you've been great.

138
00:06:46,765 --> 00:06:49,533
I mean, you don't even
need to be here right now.

139
00:06:49,567 --> 00:06:50,934
I'm just some woman

140
00:06:50,969 --> 00:06:53,537
who never got to have
the career she wanted

141
00:06:53,571 --> 00:06:55,806
or get married or have kids.

142
00:06:58,510 --> 00:07:01,645
One of those things... you can do.

143
00:07:01,680 --> 00:07:03,280
It would be my honor

144
00:07:03,314 --> 00:07:05,282
if you spent the rest of your life

145
00:07:05,316 --> 00:07:06,684
as my bride.

146
00:07:06,718 --> 00:07:09,353
Oh, Brian. Yes!

147
00:07:14,659 --> 00:07:16,293
Oh, this is my vet.

148
00:07:16,327 --> 00:07:17,695
Hello?

149
00:07:17,729 --> 00:07:18,996
Oh, great.

150
00:07:19,030 --> 00:07:20,364
Well, some good news.

151
00:07:20,398 --> 00:07:22,733
That chocolate thing
from the bucket list?

152
00:07:22,767 --> 00:07:24,768
We're all good. Let's do it.

153
00:07:24,803 --> 00:07:28,038
Toblerone probably isn't
the best thing for this.

154
00:07:36,130 --> 00:07:38,298
Brian? It would mean the world to me

155
00:07:38,332 --> 00:07:40,934
if you wore my tux
from when I got married.

156
00:07:40,968 --> 00:07:42,269
I love you, buddy.

157
00:07:42,303 --> 00:07:44,638
Yeah, I'm not wearing
a fat guy's old clothes.

158
00:07:44,672 --> 00:07:47,908
And... Wha... Is this a flap
on the butt of these pants?

159
00:07:47,942 --> 00:07:49,743
Yup. In case of emergencies.

160
00:07:49,777 --> 00:07:51,778
My invention. Called it the Suit-Chute.

161
00:07:51,812 --> 00:07:54,281
Got it patented in '97
and went into business.

162
00:07:54,315 --> 00:07:56,416
Shot a local commercial and everything.

163
00:07:56,450 --> 00:07:58,518
I'm Peter Griffin,
inventor of the Suit-Chute.

164
00:07:58,552 --> 00:08:00,253
Are you about to walk down the aisle

165
00:08:00,288 --> 00:08:01,454
and afraid you'll leave it brown?

166
00:08:01,489 --> 00:08:03,623
Did you eat creamy soup
just before the opera?

167
00:08:03,658 --> 00:08:05,792
Are you George Brett
at an awards ceremony?

168
00:08:05,826 --> 00:08:07,928
Then you need a tux with the Suit-Chute.

169
00:08:07,962 --> 00:08:09,629
Don't take my word for it.

170
00:08:09,664 --> 00:08:13,466
Ask famous Hollywood actor-
slash-pants filler Dennis Franz.

171
00:08:13,501 --> 00:08:15,802
On NYPD Blue,
I'm known for packin' heat.

172
00:08:15,836 --> 00:08:18,271
But every year when I go to the Emmys,

173
00:08:18,306 --> 00:08:21,474
the heat I'm packin'
is clumpy and smells terrible.

174
00:08:21,509 --> 00:08:24,044
Not anymore, thanks to the Suit-Chute.

175
00:08:24,078 --> 00:08:25,812
And the winner is...

176
00:08:25,846 --> 00:08:28,148
your socks and shoes.

177
00:08:31,786 --> 00:08:34,354
The business died,
and I lost $200,000, Brian.

178
00:08:34,388 --> 00:08:35,622
Want to know why?

179
00:08:35,656 --> 00:08:38,525
"555" means it is not
an actual phone number.

180
00:08:38,559 --> 00:08:40,827
I truly wish I had known that.

181
00:08:42,964 --> 00:08:45,198
Brian, I want nothing to do
with this sham wedding.

182
00:08:45,481 --> 00:08:48,217
So if you're going to ask me
to be your best man, don't.

183
00:08:48,251 --> 00:08:50,285
I'm not. I want you to be
the ring bearer,

184
00:08:50,320 --> 00:08:51,954
and wear a vest and a boutonniere

185
00:08:51,988 --> 00:08:54,356
- and carry a satin pillow...
- Sold, sold. Yes, I'm in.

186
00:08:54,390 --> 00:08:55,891
But it's still wrong. There's no way

187
00:08:55,925 --> 00:08:58,126
you'd be marrying this woman
if she wasn't going to die

188
00:08:58,161 --> 00:08:59,535
- in two weeks.
- Oh, come on!

189
00:08:59,614 --> 00:09:01,281
Did you know that Lois was so moved

190
00:09:01,315 --> 00:09:04,317
she called Channel Five
to do a profile of me and Jess?

191
00:09:04,352 --> 00:09:07,721
And now get out your tissues,
it's a real-life Quahog version

192
00:09:07,755 --> 00:09:09,556
of The Fault in Our Stars,

193
00:09:09,590 --> 00:09:13,093
the novel and hit movie your
gay nephew quotes on Facebook.

194
00:09:15,129 --> 00:09:16,930
My name is Jess.

195
00:09:16,964 --> 00:09:18,465
I have cancer.

196
00:09:18,499 --> 00:09:21,268
But cancer doesn't have me.

197
00:09:21,302 --> 00:09:22,802
My name is Brian.

198
00:09:22,837 --> 00:09:24,271
I have a disease...

199
00:09:24,305 --> 00:09:25,939
called love.

200
00:09:25,973 --> 00:09:27,941
It may have started in my penis,

201
00:09:27,975 --> 00:09:30,243
but it spread to my heart.

202
00:09:35,549 --> 00:09:38,785
And, Brian, when you learned
Jess had only weeks to live,

203
00:09:38,819 --> 00:09:40,287
you proposed.

204
00:09:40,321 --> 00:09:42,122
Yep. Got in right under the wire.

205
00:09:42,156 --> 00:09:45,158
No one's ever loved me like Brian does.

206
00:09:45,192 --> 00:09:48,695
You know, sometimes at night I
just watch Jess sleep for hours.

207
00:09:48,729 --> 00:09:51,097
And I go, "Hey. Hey, you alive?"

208
00:09:51,132 --> 00:09:53,800
And she says, "Yeah," and
then I go, "All right, good."

209
00:09:53,834 --> 00:09:55,802
I'm, uh... I'm sorry.

210
00:09:55,836 --> 00:09:59,306
I'm sorry to be a puss.

211
00:10:00,908 --> 00:10:02,309
Hey, pal.

212
00:10:02,343 --> 00:10:04,577
Listen, I kn-I know
we've had our differences,

213
00:10:04,612 --> 00:10:07,580
- but you're a good guy.
- Thank you, Quagmire.

214
00:10:07,615 --> 00:10:10,183
Listen, I want to throw you
the wildest bachelor party

215
00:10:10,217 --> 00:10:12,218
of all time. It's gonna be crazier

216
00:10:12,253 --> 00:10:15,355
than whatever Kanye West is
doing at this particular moment.

217
00:10:15,389 --> 00:10:17,657
I'm giving this lasagna a massage

218
00:10:17,692 --> 00:10:20,126
while preparing to announce
I'm joining ISIS.

219
00:10:20,161 --> 00:10:22,195
Thank you for your interest.

220
00:10:26,701 --> 00:10:28,501
This is delicious.

221
00:10:28,536 --> 00:10:30,503
Hmm. I still think the butter cream

222
00:10:30,538 --> 00:10:32,539
was the best cake I've thrown up so far.

223
00:10:32,573 --> 00:10:34,874
Oh, speaking of which. Mwah!

224
00:10:36,177 --> 00:10:38,211
Excuse me, I don't mean to bother you.

225
00:10:38,245 --> 00:10:41,014
A-Are you the dog
who's marrying the cancer girl?

226
00:10:41,048 --> 00:10:42,916
Oh, uh, yeah, I am.

227
00:10:42,950 --> 00:10:45,352
Oh, my God, we saw you
on the news last night!

228
00:10:45,386 --> 00:10:47,721
You are just the best person.
I can't even.

229
00:10:47,755 --> 00:10:49,189
How's she doing?

230
00:10:49,223 --> 00:10:50,457
Honestly, not well.

231
00:10:50,491 --> 00:10:52,425
She's only got ten days.

232
00:10:52,460 --> 00:10:55,028
So in ten days you'll be alone?

233
00:10:55,062 --> 00:10:56,396
I guess.

234
00:10:56,430 --> 00:10:58,031
Well, maybe not.

235
00:10:58,065 --> 00:10:59,532
I'll give you my number.

236
00:10:59,567 --> 00:11:02,235
Here, I'll put my number in
with my tongue.

237
00:11:02,269 --> 00:11:05,372
Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh.

238
00:11:05,406 --> 00:11:07,240
I'm not sure that's a complete number,

239
00:11:07,274 --> 00:11:10,410
but I'm gonna call you first.

240
00:11:10,444 --> 00:11:11,945
Wow. I haven't gotten
this kind of attention

241
00:11:11,979 --> 00:11:14,214
since I went to see The Peanuts Movie.

242
00:11:15,516 --> 00:11:16,783
- Look.
- There he is.

243
00:11:16,817 --> 00:11:18,084
That's him.

244
00:11:18,119 --> 00:11:21,321
That's the guy who peed
in his empty soda cup.

245
00:11:29,930 --> 00:11:32,565
Hello, Brian, I'm Jess's mother, Helen.

246
00:11:32,600 --> 00:11:34,000
Oh, hey.

247
00:11:34,035 --> 00:11:35,769
L-Listen, I've been
wanting to talk to you.

248
00:11:35,803 --> 00:11:38,571
I-I was thinking maybe you could
move in with me and Jess,

249
00:11:38,606 --> 00:11:41,641
because I-I know you'd want to
be with her for her final days.

250
00:11:41,675 --> 00:11:43,243
Well, now, thank you, Brian.

251
00:11:43,277 --> 00:11:46,212
That is such a sweet offer.
I would love to be there.

252
00:11:46,247 --> 00:11:47,914
Now, you have a blessed day.

253
00:11:47,948 --> 00:11:50,817
Oh... Oh, no.

254
00:11:55,489 --> 00:11:57,090
We's all gathered here

255
00:11:57,124 --> 00:12:00,460
to join this couple in holy matrimony.

256
00:12:00,494 --> 00:12:02,128
Yet another wedding

257
00:12:02,163 --> 00:12:04,798
I'm on this side of, Jeffrey.

258
00:12:06,467 --> 00:12:08,835
We's just waiting for his mama to die.

259
00:12:08,869 --> 00:12:10,970
We've written our own vows.

260
00:12:11,005 --> 00:12:12,639
Oh, no.

261
00:12:12,673 --> 00:12:15,275
Brian, I...
I haven't known you that long.

262
00:12:15,309 --> 00:12:16,676
But these past weeks

263
00:12:16,710 --> 00:12:19,946
I feel like you've given me
a lifetime of love.

264
00:12:19,980 --> 00:12:22,282
I vow to honor you and cherish you

265
00:12:22,316 --> 00:12:24,284
until the day I die,

266
00:12:24,318 --> 00:12:26,052
a week from Wednesday.

267
00:12:26,087 --> 00:12:28,822
I'm so happy to place this ring

268
00:12:28,856 --> 00:12:32,459
on the weird dog thumb you have
halfway up your arm.

269
00:12:36,831 --> 00:12:40,266
Jess, I wish we had
a million years together.

270
00:12:40,301 --> 00:12:42,268
But what we have is this moment,

271
00:12:42,303 --> 00:12:44,871
and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

272
00:12:44,905 --> 00:12:48,808
With this ring, I vow to honor
you and cherish you...

273
00:12:48,843 --> 00:12:50,810
for the rest of the month.

274
00:12:50,845 --> 00:12:54,814
Ma'am, do you take this doggie
to be your husband?

275
00:12:54,849 --> 00:12:56,149
I do.

276
00:12:56,183 --> 00:12:57,317
Yay!

277
00:12:57,351 --> 00:12:58,485
How about you, doggie?

278
00:12:58,519 --> 00:12:59,652
Samesies?

279
00:12:59,687 --> 00:13:02,322
- I do.
- Yay, again!

280
00:13:02,356 --> 00:13:04,524
By the power bottom vested in me,

281
00:13:04,558 --> 00:13:07,660
I now pronounce y'all husband and wife.

282
00:13:07,695 --> 00:13:09,195
Kiss!

283
00:13:10,531 --> 00:13:13,299
Aw.

284
00:13:17,371 --> 00:13:19,906
Everyone! Your attention, please!

285
00:13:19,940 --> 00:13:21,407
Dr. Gravitas?

286
00:13:21,442 --> 00:13:22,509
That's right.

287
00:13:22,543 --> 00:13:24,811
I want to give you two your first gift.

288
00:13:24,845 --> 00:13:26,679
These are your latest
test results, Jess.

289
00:13:26,714 --> 00:13:27,881
And they're remarkable.

290
00:13:27,915 --> 00:13:29,048
Meaning what?

291
00:13:29,083 --> 00:13:32,452
Meaning Jess... is going to live.

292
00:13:37,224 --> 00:13:40,527
Brian, we really
will be together forever.

293
00:13:40,561 --> 00:13:43,696
Forever and ever and ever!

294
00:13:45,566 --> 00:13:47,534
Can you believe this?

295
00:13:47,568 --> 00:13:49,002
What?

296
00:13:49,036 --> 00:13:50,837
Jess is gonna live.

297
00:13:50,871 --> 00:13:53,206
I-I'm sorry, I took a-a muscle
relaxer this morning.

298
00:13:53,240 --> 00:13:54,507
Tinazidine.

299
00:13:54,542 --> 00:13:56,342
Before you drove here?!

300
00:13:56,377 --> 00:13:58,378
Yeah, I took half of one
before I got in the car.

301
00:13:58,412 --> 00:14:00,046
And then another half at a red light.

302
00:14:00,080 --> 00:14:01,381
It's fine, it's Tinazidine.

303
00:14:01,415 --> 00:14:02,715
I-I might take another half.

304
00:14:02,750 --> 00:14:03,783
You want a half?

305
00:14:03,817 --> 00:14:06,085
Oh, no.

306
00:14:06,120 --> 00:14:08,421
Come on. It was prescribed by a doctor

307
00:14:08,455 --> 00:14:10,557
to a guy named John Selvaggio

308
00:14:10,591 --> 00:14:13,026
who has a mailbox that he can't
see from his front yard.

309
00:14:13,060 --> 00:14:14,227
It's Tinazidine.

310
00:14:14,261 --> 00:14:15,662
Stop saying what it is.

311
00:14:15,696 --> 00:14:17,197
Tinazidine:

312
00:14:17,231 --> 00:14:19,165
the white, plastic pouch
in your neighbor's mailbox

313
00:14:19,200 --> 00:14:21,634
that might be three months of drugs.

314
00:14:30,451 --> 00:14:33,419
Oh, my God. It is so incredible

315
00:14:33,454 --> 00:14:35,455
having my appetite back.

316
00:14:35,489 --> 00:14:37,023
Mm.

317
00:14:37,057 --> 00:14:39,092
I love you.

318
00:14:39,126 --> 00:14:40,493
Ah, shrimp.

319
00:14:40,527 --> 00:14:41,928
It's like I'm a baby bird.

320
00:14:45,165 --> 00:14:48,268
This turn me on, too.

321
00:14:54,975 --> 00:14:56,342
Brian, did you hear that?

322
00:14:56,377 --> 00:14:57,477
Mm-hmm.

323
00:14:57,511 --> 00:14:58,945
Remember what the doctor said?

324
00:14:58,979 --> 00:15:02,949
Flatulence means my digestive
system is working again.

325
00:15:02,983 --> 00:15:05,718
Oh, my God, I must have, like,

326
00:15:05,753 --> 00:15:08,655
six months worth
of cancer-farts built up.

327
00:15:19,833 --> 00:15:21,467
Would you stop farting, please?

328
00:15:21,502 --> 00:15:23,836
This is a nice hotel.

329
00:15:27,174 --> 00:15:29,842
Okay, that's the last box.

330
00:15:29,877 --> 00:15:32,745
Aw, you're so glad to be back
with me, aren't you?

331
00:15:32,780 --> 00:15:34,347
Mommy was so sad

332
00:15:34,381 --> 00:15:36,949
when she had to put you all
up for adoption.

333
00:15:36,984 --> 00:15:38,618
Yes, she was.

334
00:15:38,652 --> 00:15:40,987
Ooh, I'm going straight to the kitchen

335
00:15:41,021 --> 00:15:43,456
to make my favorite meal
in a tiny apartment:

336
00:15:43,490 --> 00:15:45,591
microwaved salmon.

337
00:15:50,864 --> 00:15:52,665
Welcome back, Brian.

338
00:15:52,700 --> 00:15:54,801
That's Lou,

339
00:15:54,835 --> 00:15:57,537
the apartment manager
from when Brian moved out.

340
00:15:57,571 --> 00:16:00,206
Ain't that somethin'
to flip your biscuit.

341
00:16:02,242 --> 00:16:03,609
What?

342
00:16:03,644 --> 00:16:05,244
That's my thing I say, remember?

343
00:16:05,279 --> 00:16:06,512
Oh. Uh, no.

344
00:16:06,547 --> 00:16:08,681
I-I can't imagine anyone does.

345
00:16:08,716 --> 00:16:10,183
Hey, listen, thanks for renting to us

346
00:16:10,217 --> 00:16:12,685
even though we have ten cats and
couldn't make the deposit.

347
00:16:12,720 --> 00:16:15,488
Spent, uh, pretty much
every last penny on our wedding.

348
00:16:15,522 --> 00:16:17,023
Dead broke.

349
00:16:17,057 --> 00:16:19,525
Ain't that somethin'
to flip your biscuit.

350
00:16:24,932 --> 00:16:27,967
So, Bri, this...

351
00:16:28,001 --> 00:16:30,536
So, Bri, this is once again
your hellhole.

352
00:16:30,571 --> 00:16:32,338
I was going to help you move in

353
00:16:32,373 --> 00:16:35,007
but you don't really
own anything, do you?

354
00:16:35,042 --> 00:16:36,809
Yeah, we didn't bother
to register for gifts

355
00:16:36,844 --> 00:16:39,212
because she was supposed to die!

356
00:16:39,246 --> 00:16:41,748
I must say, she's looking... healthy.

357
00:16:41,782 --> 00:16:44,217
Putting those Juicy pants to the test.

358
00:16:44,251 --> 00:16:46,119
Stewie, I've got to get out of this.

359
00:16:46,153 --> 00:16:47,387
You were right all along, okay?

360
00:16:47,421 --> 00:16:48,721
I'm not ready to be married.

361
00:16:48,756 --> 00:16:50,490
I-I gotta... I gotta get a divorce.

362
00:16:50,524 --> 00:16:52,392
Oh, that'll go over well
after you paraded

363
00:16:52,426 --> 00:16:54,727
your "great love" around town.

364
00:16:54,762 --> 00:16:57,096
Which reminds me, your
follow-up Tom Tucker profile

365
00:16:57,131 --> 00:16:58,731
is coming on now.

366
00:16:58,766 --> 00:17:00,099
We got countless letters

367
00:17:00,134 --> 00:17:02,034
after our profile of the Cancer Girl

368
00:17:02,069 --> 00:17:04,570
who won her sweetheart's paw
in marriage.

369
00:17:04,605 --> 00:17:07,407
Turns out their story
has a very happy ending.

370
00:17:07,441 --> 00:17:10,743
Due to audio issues, the
following footage is subtitled.

371
00:17:44,378 --> 00:17:45,645
Brian, look.

372
00:17:47,714 --> 00:17:49,282
- Holy...
- I know.

373
00:17:49,316 --> 00:17:50,983
My hair's growing back.

374
00:17:51,018 --> 00:17:52,852
What do you think?

375
00:17:52,886 --> 00:17:55,922
You look like a baby doll
found in hurricane rubble.

376
00:17:55,956 --> 00:17:58,391
Aw, I'm your baby doll.

377
00:17:58,425 --> 00:18:00,460
I'll get it.

378
00:18:00,494 --> 00:18:03,963
Ain't that somethin'
to flip your biscuit?

379
00:18:03,997 --> 00:18:05,798
Nothing?

380
00:18:07,835 --> 00:18:10,303
Oh, hey, Helen. What are you doing here?

381
00:18:10,337 --> 00:18:12,972
Coming to live with you, like
you asked me to at the wedding.

382
00:18:13,006 --> 00:18:15,107
Are-are you watching HBO?

383
00:18:15,142 --> 00:18:16,943
I'm a Christian woman, Brian.

384
00:18:16,977 --> 00:18:18,744
Cancel HBO now.

385
00:18:18,779 --> 00:18:20,146
We can spend the extra money

386
00:18:20,180 --> 00:18:21,981
on the big photos of fetuses I hold

387
00:18:22,015 --> 00:18:24,851
while I yell at people outside Panera.

388
00:18:24,885 --> 00:18:26,185
Mom, guess what?

389
00:18:26,220 --> 00:18:28,354
My farts are back.

390
00:18:28,388 --> 00:18:31,023
Mine never went away.

391
00:18:31,058 --> 00:18:33,392
Oh, man.

392
00:18:36,797 --> 00:18:39,832
- Uh-huh.
- So the crazy ex-girlfriend

393
00:18:39,867 --> 00:18:42,535
- sings this hilarious song.
- Uh-huh.

394
00:18:42,569 --> 00:18:44,270
It's all about how
she's having her period,

395
00:18:44,304 --> 00:18:46,005
but the other guy
she wanted to impress...

396
00:18:46,039 --> 00:18:47,874
The one who created
the social media app...

397
00:18:47,908 --> 00:18:49,442
He walks in while she's singing,

398
00:18:49,476 --> 00:18:51,844
so now he's not into her, either.

399
00:18:51,879 --> 00:18:53,179
Uh-huh.

400
00:18:55,349 --> 00:18:58,584
- Will you get me more salsa?
- Uh-huh.

401
00:18:58,619 --> 00:19:00,186
Brian.

402
00:19:00,220 --> 00:19:02,188
Will you get me more salsa?

403
00:19:02,224 --> 00:19:04,750
Huh? Sorry. Got it.

404
00:19:11,265 --> 00:19:12,899
They only had mild.

405
00:19:16,937 --> 00:19:19,005
Well, I'm sorry it's so disgusting,

406
00:19:19,039 --> 00:19:21,040
but that's all they have.

407
00:19:21,074 --> 00:19:23,709
Oh, you're gonna die if you
have to eat mild salsa?

408
00:19:23,744 --> 00:19:25,311
Come on.

409
00:19:27,314 --> 00:19:29,348
Wait, are you... Oh, my G...

410
00:19:29,383 --> 00:19:31,250
Oh, my God, are you choking?

411
00:19:31,285 --> 00:19:33,486
She's... Someone... I don't...

412
00:19:33,520 --> 00:19:34,987
Heimlich maneuver.

413
00:19:35,022 --> 00:19:36,522
How do you do the Heimlich maneuver?

414
00:19:36,524 --> 00:19:37,924
Come on, come on.

415
00:19:37,958 --> 00:19:40,693
Damn it. I've got one song
by Haim on my phone?

416
00:19:40,727 --> 00:19:42,595
And every time I try to type
"Heimlich", it...

417
00:19:50,070 --> 00:19:52,538
Oh, my God. Somebody call 911!

418
00:19:52,573 --> 00:19:53,973
Damn it, Fox.

419
00:19:54,007 --> 00:19:56,008
That's not an invitation
to ruin our moment

420
00:19:56,043 --> 00:19:58,477
to expand your media empire.

421
00:20:00,380 --> 00:20:02,915
Son of Zorn.

422
00:20:02,950 --> 00:20:04,750
Ha.

423
00:20:23,555 --> 00:20:25,322
I'd like to thank you all for coming

424
00:20:25,356 --> 00:20:29,126
to honor the memory
of my beloved wife Jess...

425
00:20:29,160 --> 00:20:30,694
Uh...

426
00:20:30,728 --> 00:20:33,897
I'm sorry, I'm just realizing
I never caught her last name.

427
00:20:33,932 --> 00:20:35,532
- Schlotz.
- Yikes.

428
00:20:35,567 --> 00:20:37,034
It was my husband's name.

429
00:20:37,068 --> 00:20:38,202
What's your maiden name?

430
00:20:38,236 --> 00:20:39,369
Borgwort.

431
00:20:39,404 --> 00:20:41,038
That's also bad.

432
00:20:41,072 --> 00:20:43,373
Look, all I want to say is...

433
00:20:43,408 --> 00:20:45,876
I always knew this day was coming.

434
00:20:45,910 --> 00:20:47,845
But what I didn't know was...

435
00:20:47,879 --> 00:20:50,314
just how much I was gonna miss Jess.

436
00:20:50,348 --> 00:20:52,516
I would give anything

437
00:20:52,550 --> 00:20:54,718
if she were still here with me.

438
00:20:56,588 --> 00:20:57,888
I'm okay.

439
00:20:57,922 --> 00:20:59,756
It's a miracle!

440
00:21:02,912 --> 00:21:06,418
- Synced and corrected by AlexandreMT -
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