1 00:00:19,640 --> 00:00:20,790 Come on, get down! 2 00:00:20,840 --> 00:00:22,800 The fire brigade are on their way. 3 00:00:29,240 --> 00:00:31,880 Meet me there and we'll see if we can... 4 00:00:43,880 --> 00:00:45,680 Yay! 5 00:00:50,160 --> 00:00:53,030 Hey, Steph! It's Joel. 6 00:00:53,080 --> 00:00:56,910 Er, just wanted a chat, you know, talk things through. 7 00:00:56,960 --> 00:01:00,040 It's not every day you get divorced. Er... 8 00:01:01,320 --> 00:01:04,190 Or maybe, in a way, this whole weird thing 9 00:01:04,240 --> 00:01:06,550 has brought us closer together. 10 00:01:06,600 --> 00:01:07,990 It's possible. 11 00:01:08,040 --> 00:01:09,750 Call me back. Bye! 12 00:01:16,960 --> 00:01:18,870 - Hey, man. - Hey! 13 00:01:18,920 --> 00:01:21,350 - How's it going? - I'm good, yeah. You? 14 00:01:21,400 --> 00:01:23,790 Yeah, not bad. Can't complain. 15 00:01:23,840 --> 00:01:26,950 - Not dangling off a railing. - Good, good stuff. 16 00:01:27,000 --> 00:01:29,510 I can't help but notice you're chucking quite a lot of money 17 00:01:29,560 --> 00:01:31,430 - over the balcony. - Yeah. 18 00:01:31,480 --> 00:01:34,550 Just wondering if you'd thought about maybe stopping doing that 19 00:01:34,600 --> 00:01:36,790 and coming to the pub with me and Tess. 20 00:01:36,840 --> 00:01:38,360 Now you mention it, I haven't. 21 00:01:39,640 --> 00:01:41,070 Come on, Joel. 22 00:01:41,120 --> 00:01:43,510 Come inside and put the money away... 23 00:01:43,560 --> 00:01:46,110 into a bank account, maybe. 24 00:01:46,160 --> 00:01:48,030 It's my money, 25 00:01:48,080 --> 00:01:50,150 I can do what I want with it. 26 00:01:50,200 --> 00:01:52,520 Just come in off the ledge. 27 00:01:53,840 --> 00:01:56,070 Oh, come on, man. 28 00:01:56,120 --> 00:01:57,950 Not the ring. 29 00:01:58,000 --> 00:01:59,550 Don't chuck the ring. 30 00:01:59,600 --> 00:02:01,200 Come on, you're not Frodo. 31 00:02:07,280 --> 00:02:09,310 This is an intervention! It's for your own good. 32 00:02:09,360 --> 00:02:11,750 If I want to be a dick, let me be a dick! 33 00:02:11,800 --> 00:02:14,150 I'm not going to let you be a dick because you're not a dick. 34 00:02:14,200 --> 00:02:15,830 I am, I'm a total dick! 35 00:02:15,880 --> 00:02:17,880 There's nothing you can do about it. 36 00:02:58,880 --> 00:03:01,950 So, how much did you get in total? 37 00:03:02,000 --> 00:03:03,030 Mmm... 38 00:03:03,080 --> 00:03:05,030 Two million. 39 00:03:05,080 --> 00:03:07,430 Like, there or thereabouts. 40 00:03:07,480 --> 00:03:08,630 Wow. 41 00:03:08,680 --> 00:03:12,430 It's like I'm in the First Wives Club, it just feels wrong, 42 00:03:12,480 --> 00:03:14,990 and like I haven't done anything to deserve it. 43 00:03:15,040 --> 00:03:16,190 Well, that's true. 44 00:03:16,240 --> 00:03:17,790 Still took it, though, didn't you? 45 00:03:17,840 --> 00:03:19,550 Two million's nothing to Steph, 46 00:03:19,600 --> 00:03:21,510 her hedge fund's going through the roof. 47 00:03:21,560 --> 00:03:24,830 It was just a payoff to make her feel better about dumping me. 48 00:03:24,880 --> 00:03:28,670 She said that she wanted a husband who'd achieved something. 49 00:03:28,720 --> 00:03:30,910 Well, if she had told me what she wanted me to achieve 50 00:03:30,960 --> 00:03:33,510 - then I would've achieved it. - I'm not sure it works like that. 51 00:03:33,560 --> 00:03:35,240 - We got you a cake. - Ooh! 52 00:03:37,040 --> 00:03:38,950 Happy divorce day, mate. 53 00:03:39,000 --> 00:03:40,880 It's a separation sponge. 54 00:03:42,400 --> 00:03:44,750 Come on, guys, too soon. 55 00:03:44,800 --> 00:03:47,360 Why? It's the best thing that ever happened to you. 56 00:03:49,240 --> 00:03:51,110 What? 57 00:03:51,160 --> 00:03:52,680 Steph wasn't good for you. 58 00:03:56,720 --> 00:04:00,640 Are you saying that neither of you liked my wife? 59 00:04:01,880 --> 00:04:04,830 You pretended to like my wife for, what, ten years? 60 00:04:04,880 --> 00:04:06,950 We couldn't tell you how we really felt about her. 61 00:04:07,000 --> 00:04:09,030 What if you ended up spending your lives together? 62 00:04:09,080 --> 00:04:11,190 You probably wouldn't have talked to us ever again. 63 00:04:11,240 --> 00:04:12,590 What did you not like about her? 64 00:04:12,640 --> 00:04:14,830 I'd tell you, but I've got to be back at work in 17 hours. 65 00:04:14,880 --> 00:04:17,670 Getting disinvited from your wedding because I'm married to someone 66 00:04:17,720 --> 00:04:20,350 you went out with for a month in sixth form is happy memory. 67 00:04:20,400 --> 00:04:22,230 Oh, my God. 68 00:04:22,280 --> 00:04:23,430 So... 69 00:04:23,480 --> 00:04:25,480 does everyone feel the same way? 70 00:04:27,160 --> 00:04:28,590 This is horrible! 71 00:04:28,640 --> 00:04:32,670 No, it's brilliant because you never have to see her again 72 00:04:32,720 --> 00:04:34,030 and neither do we. 73 00:04:34,080 --> 00:04:37,550 I have fucked things up so fucking much. 74 00:04:37,600 --> 00:04:41,990 I've wasted ten years -- no marriage, no house, no kids. 75 00:04:42,040 --> 00:04:44,230 - Nothing. - Well, if it makes you feel any better, 76 00:04:44,280 --> 00:04:45,990 I've got no marriage, no house, no kids 77 00:04:46,040 --> 00:04:47,950 and I don't even have two million quid. 78 00:04:48,000 --> 00:04:49,910 Kira. Yep, it's me. 79 00:04:49,960 --> 00:04:52,950 Bit of a rescue mission, erm... 80 00:04:53,000 --> 00:04:54,990 I've got to check Joel out of this hotel. 81 00:04:55,040 --> 00:04:57,280 Can you make up a bed? 82 00:05:21,280 --> 00:05:22,590 It's been two weeks. 83 00:05:22,640 --> 00:05:25,830 Yeah, but I said he could stay here until he got his shit together. 84 00:05:25,880 --> 00:05:27,830 So I guess he'll be here for ever, then. 85 00:05:27,880 --> 00:05:30,110 Look, I love Joel too, but there's got to be a limit, OK? 86 00:05:30,160 --> 00:05:32,030 And I think maybe we reached it when he finished 87 00:05:32,080 --> 00:05:34,320 the second tub of caramel ice cream. 88 00:05:37,080 --> 00:05:38,120 OK. 89 00:05:40,040 --> 00:05:42,110 Hey, dude. 90 00:05:42,160 --> 00:05:43,950 Back To The Future's about to start. 91 00:05:44,000 --> 00:05:45,990 We must've seen that 100 times in sixth form. 92 00:05:46,040 --> 00:05:48,270 - You fancy making 101? - That sounds fun. 93 00:05:48,320 --> 00:05:50,710 Listen, it has been great to have you here, 94 00:05:50,760 --> 00:05:53,910 - it's been really great, but... - Are you kicking me out? 95 00:05:53,960 --> 00:05:57,990 It's more like I'm gently but firmly pushing you back into your life. 96 00:05:58,040 --> 00:06:00,110 - I don't have a life. - Well, you could get a life. 97 00:06:00,160 --> 00:06:01,790 Where from, the life shop? 98 00:06:01,840 --> 00:06:03,310 Look at the positives. 99 00:06:03,360 --> 00:06:06,470 You're loaded and you can start again. 100 00:06:06,520 --> 00:06:09,830 Like, find somewhere nice to live, meet someone new. 101 00:06:09,880 --> 00:06:11,310 Do you mean date? 102 00:06:11,360 --> 00:06:13,150 I don't date, I'm not a dater. 103 00:06:13,200 --> 00:06:16,480 Well, according to your dating profile, you are. 104 00:06:19,520 --> 00:06:21,910 "Trip-hop enthusiast." 105 00:06:21,960 --> 00:06:23,990 You've got that Massive Attack CD. 106 00:06:24,040 --> 00:06:25,910 You set this up months ago, 107 00:06:25,960 --> 00:06:28,110 before Steph and I even split up. 108 00:06:28,160 --> 00:06:30,670 Yeah, sometimes wishful thinking pays off. 109 00:06:30,720 --> 00:06:32,830 Look at that, you've got a match 110 00:06:32,880 --> 00:06:35,590 and you've invited her out for dinner. That is so nice of you. 111 00:06:35,640 --> 00:06:38,070 - This is identity theft. - It'll be fun! 112 00:06:38,120 --> 00:06:40,750 No, it'll be incredibly awkward. 113 00:06:40,800 --> 00:06:43,750 Yes, but luckily there's a widely available awkwardness cure 114 00:06:43,800 --> 00:06:45,950 called booze. Just play it cool, 115 00:06:46,000 --> 00:06:48,430 don't tell her this is your first-ever internet date 116 00:06:48,480 --> 00:06:50,280 or that you just got divorced. 117 00:06:51,800 --> 00:06:54,190 This is actually my first-ever internet date, 118 00:06:54,240 --> 00:06:55,830 just got divorced. 119 00:06:55,880 --> 00:06:58,270 So you're a rebounder? 120 00:06:58,320 --> 00:07:00,070 Kind of. 121 00:07:00,120 --> 00:07:02,150 But not really, no. 122 00:07:02,200 --> 00:07:03,790 Totally over it. 123 00:07:03,840 --> 00:07:06,030 No feelings for your ex? 124 00:07:06,080 --> 00:07:08,710 Well, look, I did have feelings for her 125 00:07:08,760 --> 00:07:12,350 but I talked to some friends and realised that those feelings 126 00:07:12,400 --> 00:07:14,750 may have been somewhat misplaced. 127 00:07:14,800 --> 00:07:17,030 They pointed out what a psycho you'd married. 128 00:07:17,080 --> 00:07:18,990 No. Well... 129 00:07:19,040 --> 00:07:22,190 She was just very busy and tired 130 00:07:22,240 --> 00:07:24,350 - and angry. - Hm. 131 00:07:24,400 --> 00:07:27,350 I'd be angry if I was that busy and tired. 132 00:07:27,400 --> 00:07:29,870 Probably wouldn't throw stuff so much, 133 00:07:29,920 --> 00:07:32,750 but she paid for it so I guess she's entitled to throw it. 134 00:07:32,800 --> 00:07:35,110 Yeah, well, we've all had our fair share of psychos. 135 00:07:35,160 --> 00:07:40,470 My ex, he used to hack my e-mails, voicemails and texts 136 00:07:40,520 --> 00:07:43,150 - every single day. - God, that is awful. - I know. 137 00:07:43,200 --> 00:07:45,750 Yeah, he was convinced that I was sleeping around on him, 138 00:07:45,800 --> 00:07:48,710 which, I mean, I was sleeping around on him, but still. 139 00:07:48,760 --> 00:07:51,510 - Yeah, there's a principle. - Exactly. - Yeah. 140 00:07:51,560 --> 00:07:52,920 Thank you. 141 00:07:56,000 --> 00:08:01,150 No offence, but I can't help noticing that you are American. 142 00:08:01,200 --> 00:08:03,830 Yeah. I moved here for college. 143 00:08:03,880 --> 00:08:07,070 Cigarettes are cheaper so I never went back. 144 00:08:07,120 --> 00:08:08,830 Oh, you've got a pager. 145 00:08:08,880 --> 00:08:10,230 I'm a doctor. 146 00:08:10,280 --> 00:08:14,510 Oncologist, so pager makes it that little bit harder for them 147 00:08:14,560 --> 00:08:15,950 to get in touch with me. 148 00:08:16,000 --> 00:08:17,350 So, no emergency? 149 00:08:17,400 --> 00:08:19,310 I guess we'll never know. 150 00:08:21,840 --> 00:08:23,830 What game are you in? 151 00:08:23,880 --> 00:08:27,230 I don't really have a game, unless you count Call Of Duty, 152 00:08:27,280 --> 00:08:31,880 which isn't exactly a career, although I am fucking good at it. 153 00:08:34,280 --> 00:08:36,790 And you're new to the whole dating game? 154 00:08:36,840 --> 00:08:38,230 Yeah, pretty much. 155 00:08:38,280 --> 00:08:41,790 Rule one, weed out the marrieds and the marry-ers. 156 00:08:41,840 --> 00:08:43,270 Right, at the end of the day, 157 00:08:43,320 --> 00:08:46,070 - it's just meant to be a bit of fun, isn't it? - Exactly, no strings. 158 00:08:46,120 --> 00:08:49,710 Yes, bloody strings, getting caught up in everything. 159 00:08:49,760 --> 00:08:52,680 Strings are for guitars and... 160 00:08:53,960 --> 00:08:55,600 .. vests. 161 00:08:59,040 --> 00:09:01,400 Anyway, I am totally up for anything. 162 00:09:03,120 --> 00:09:05,670 - Are you sure about that? - Absolutely. 163 00:09:05,720 --> 00:09:07,510 OK. 164 00:09:07,560 --> 00:09:09,400 Why not? Let's do it. 165 00:09:10,480 --> 00:09:11,750 Ready? 166 00:09:11,800 --> 00:09:13,550 Ready for what, exactly? 167 00:09:13,600 --> 00:09:15,830 Well, I mean, are you ready to fuck? 168 00:09:15,880 --> 00:09:18,190 My shifts, they're all over the place 169 00:09:18,240 --> 00:09:20,870 so I really need to take advantage of these opportunities 170 00:09:20,920 --> 00:09:22,320 as they come up. 171 00:09:25,680 --> 00:09:28,270 Well, we haven't even ordered yet. 172 00:09:28,320 --> 00:09:30,990 Right, well, then, I suppose you have to ask yourself, 173 00:09:31,040 --> 00:09:33,270 what is it that you want out of life? 174 00:09:33,320 --> 00:09:36,670 Do you want wild boar ragout 175 00:09:36,720 --> 00:09:39,030 or do you want dirty, filthy sex 176 00:09:39,080 --> 00:09:42,440 in the hopefully quite clean public rest room? 177 00:09:46,280 --> 00:09:48,430 Well, should we order first? 178 00:09:48,480 --> 00:09:50,640 It might be here by the time we're finished. 179 00:10:03,200 --> 00:10:04,640 That's it. 180 00:10:18,720 --> 00:10:21,150 I guess I should probably take this one. 181 00:10:21,200 --> 00:10:23,270 But, erm... 182 00:10:23,320 --> 00:10:25,470 I haven't finished yet. 183 00:10:25,520 --> 00:10:27,710 Well, go for it, dude. 184 00:10:27,760 --> 00:10:29,600 Plenty of loo paper. 185 00:10:38,120 --> 00:10:41,510 Then she just wiped and walked. 186 00:10:41,560 --> 00:10:43,510 Well, that's what friends are for -- 187 00:10:43,560 --> 00:10:46,270 making you do things against your will that end with you having sex 188 00:10:46,320 --> 00:10:47,710 in a public toilet. 189 00:10:47,760 --> 00:10:50,670 And then, when it was over, I just felt really guilty, 190 00:10:50,720 --> 00:10:54,190 - like I've been unfaithful to Steph. - Oh, God. 191 00:10:54,240 --> 00:10:57,750 But after I had some pappardelle and a think, 192 00:10:57,800 --> 00:11:01,510 - I mainly just wanted to do it again. - Yay! 193 00:11:01,560 --> 00:11:02,680 Right. 194 00:11:07,440 --> 00:11:08,680 What? 195 00:11:11,360 --> 00:11:13,520 Welcome to the pleasure dome. 196 00:11:18,400 --> 00:11:20,830 Something familiar. 197 00:11:20,880 --> 00:11:22,200 The posters... 198 00:11:25,280 --> 00:11:26,600 .. the music... 199 00:11:29,600 --> 00:11:31,510 .. the PS2. 200 00:11:31,560 --> 00:11:34,830 It's a tribute to Marshfield Street, remember? 201 00:11:34,880 --> 00:11:37,750 The flat we shared the summer we left uni. 202 00:11:37,800 --> 00:11:40,070 It's amazing, huh? 203 00:11:40,120 --> 00:11:42,550 - Wow, you actually did this. - I know! 204 00:11:42,600 --> 00:11:44,790 This is properly, properly mental. 205 00:11:44,840 --> 00:11:48,750 It's like a time capsule of the best three months of our lives. 206 00:11:48,800 --> 00:11:50,950 That was just before I got into AA 207 00:11:51,000 --> 00:11:53,430 and cleaned up my act. Those were my lost years. 208 00:11:53,480 --> 00:11:56,230 What, do you mean cos of all the times you lost me at footie? 209 00:11:56,280 --> 00:11:57,710 Oh, it's like that, is it? 210 00:12:03,320 --> 00:12:06,070 You know, when I said you needed to get a life, 211 00:12:06,120 --> 00:12:08,190 I didn't mean the one you had 15 years ago. 212 00:12:08,240 --> 00:12:10,630 Why not? I was really happy then. 213 00:12:10,680 --> 00:12:12,870 - Why can't I go back? - Cos you can't. 214 00:12:12,920 --> 00:12:15,870 You've got to move on, man. Live in the now. 215 00:12:15,920 --> 00:12:18,750 Well, it's easy for you to say, your now is incredible. 216 00:12:18,800 --> 00:12:23,590 Got an amazing house, a beautiful wife, gorgeous kids. 217 00:12:23,640 --> 00:12:25,310 Must be great being a dad. 218 00:12:25,360 --> 00:12:26,910 Yeah, it is. 219 00:12:26,960 --> 00:12:29,350 But it's tough, it's knackering. 220 00:12:29,400 --> 00:12:31,110 But it is amazing. 221 00:12:31,160 --> 00:12:32,920 We're actually trying for a third. 222 00:12:34,440 --> 00:12:35,950 Oh, that's great. 223 00:12:36,000 --> 00:12:37,870 Don't know how soon we'll manage it, though. 224 00:12:37,920 --> 00:12:41,790 I haven't been feeling super well lately. 225 00:12:41,840 --> 00:12:44,030 Touch of paradise syndrome? 226 00:12:44,080 --> 00:12:46,270 That is... 227 00:12:46,320 --> 00:12:50,310 Itchy skin and night sweats and just feeling knackered all the time. 228 00:12:50,360 --> 00:12:51,830 - Yeah? - Yeah. 229 00:12:51,880 --> 00:12:54,870 - Have you been to see a doctor? - Yeah, I have, actually. 230 00:12:54,920 --> 00:12:57,710 They reckon it's Hodgkin's lymphoma. 231 00:13:00,240 --> 00:13:02,990 Hodgkin's... 232 00:13:03,040 --> 00:13:04,920 Isn't that cancer? 233 00:13:06,760 --> 00:13:09,590 We don't like to use that word. 234 00:13:10,140 --> 00:13:11,180 It's so negative. 235 00:13:12,880 --> 00:13:16,030 Yeah, guess it is quite negative. 236 00:13:16,080 --> 00:13:17,670 So what did the doctor say? 237 00:13:17,720 --> 00:13:20,820 Strongly urged me to start chemotherapy as soon as possible. 238 00:13:22,640 --> 00:13:24,750 Fuck. 239 00:13:24,800 --> 00:13:26,110 God, that's going to be tough, 240 00:13:26,160 --> 00:13:30,510 but you're still pretty young and healthy and... 241 00:13:30,560 --> 00:13:32,590 I'll be there for you. We all will. 242 00:13:32,640 --> 00:13:34,750 I'm not going to do it. 243 00:13:34,800 --> 00:13:35,950 You're not? 244 00:13:36,000 --> 00:13:39,800 No, I've discussed it with Kira, I'm going to heal naturally. 245 00:13:40,880 --> 00:13:42,070 OK. 246 00:13:42,120 --> 00:13:45,270 Yeah, I've started acupuncture, daily enemas, 247 00:13:45,320 --> 00:13:47,510 I'm on a macrobiotic diet. 248 00:13:47,560 --> 00:13:51,030 - Juice fasting. - Oh, wow. That sounds... 249 00:13:51,080 --> 00:13:52,710 delicious. 250 00:13:52,760 --> 00:13:55,310 I just wonder, talking off the top of my head, 251 00:13:55,360 --> 00:13:57,790 but whether it would be better to see the fruit juice 252 00:13:57,840 --> 00:14:01,470 as a tasty side dish to the main meal of... 253 00:14:01,520 --> 00:14:03,710 - chemotherapy? - Joel, just relax, 254 00:14:03,760 --> 00:14:06,430 I've got the most amazing team of natural healers looking after me. 255 00:14:06,480 --> 00:14:09,710 They're experts in their field, I'm getting the best possible care. 256 00:14:09,760 --> 00:14:11,630 I'm going to be fine. 257 00:14:11,680 --> 00:14:12,770 Come on, play. 258 00:14:14,720 --> 00:14:17,910 Yes! Yes, top corner. 259 00:14:17,960 --> 00:14:19,950 Fuck you, Italy! 260 00:14:20,000 --> 00:14:22,510 It's not fair, you distracted me by... 261 00:14:22,560 --> 00:14:23,880 having cancer. 262 00:14:56,600 --> 00:14:57,790 Tess. 263 00:14:57,840 --> 00:14:59,790 Tonight, mind pulling another latey, matey? 264 00:14:59,840 --> 00:15:01,310 Actually, I was hoping to... 265 00:15:01,360 --> 00:15:03,390 The thing is, there's kind of no-one else I can ask 266 00:15:03,440 --> 00:15:04,710 because, unlike the rest of us, 267 00:15:04,760 --> 00:15:07,590 you don't have anyone at home that's going to miss you, so, yeah? 268 00:15:07,640 --> 00:15:08,960 All right, sure. 269 00:15:13,080 --> 00:15:16,000 - What the hell are you doing here? - We need to talk. Now. 270 00:15:21,000 --> 00:15:22,150 Jesus Christ. 271 00:15:22,200 --> 00:15:23,830 I've googled everything. 272 00:15:23,880 --> 00:15:26,150 The bad news is that Hodgkin's is fatal, 273 00:15:26,200 --> 00:15:30,670 the great news is that chemotherapy has got a 94% cure rate. 274 00:15:30,720 --> 00:15:32,950 - That's a great rate! - Charlie's not taking it, 275 00:15:33,000 --> 00:15:35,190 the dickhead's signing his own suicide note. 276 00:15:35,240 --> 00:15:37,150 He's got cancer, you can't call him a dickhead. 277 00:15:37,200 --> 00:15:40,110 - Yes, I can, if he behaves like a dickhead. - He's really healthy 278 00:15:40,160 --> 00:15:42,710 and if he's trying all these alternative treatments, 279 00:15:42,760 --> 00:15:45,790 maybe they'll work. 280 00:15:45,840 --> 00:15:48,430 So, which treatment are you pinning your hopes on -- 281 00:15:48,480 --> 00:15:51,550 the carrot juice, the needles or the water up the bum? 282 00:15:55,080 --> 00:15:56,200 Hi. 283 00:15:57,480 --> 00:16:00,350 We have to talk to him, we've got to confront him with the truth. 284 00:16:00,400 --> 00:16:03,230 Confront him? Confrontation isn't exactly my strong suit. 285 00:16:03,280 --> 00:16:05,390 What? There's no time to be all British about this. 286 00:16:05,440 --> 00:16:07,670 - Actually, Irish. - We've got a chance to save Charlie, 287 00:16:07,720 --> 00:16:10,270 - we have to take it. - Sure. 288 00:16:10,320 --> 00:16:14,070 Look, if you'd told me sooner what kind of woman I was marrying, 289 00:16:14,120 --> 00:16:17,110 I would've saved myself a decade's worth of grief. 290 00:16:17,160 --> 00:16:19,030 If friends can't be honest with each other, 291 00:16:19,080 --> 00:16:21,110 what's the point of being friends? 292 00:16:21,160 --> 00:16:22,920 Hang out and chat shit? 293 00:16:26,280 --> 00:16:28,430 Do you have any idea how long this is going to take? 294 00:16:28,480 --> 00:16:30,230 I'm only supposed to have an hour for lunch. 295 00:16:30,280 --> 00:16:33,310 "Energy healing." No, thanks. 296 00:16:33,360 --> 00:16:36,070 - "Psychic surgery", Jesus! - All right, Joel. 297 00:16:36,120 --> 00:16:37,550 "Homoeopathy..." 298 00:16:37,600 --> 00:16:40,110 That's Kira's, isn't it? 299 00:16:40,160 --> 00:16:42,630 Oh, look, they're charging 300 quid 300 00:16:42,680 --> 00:16:45,430 for a course in isomorphic hypnotherapy. 301 00:16:45,480 --> 00:16:47,270 - What the fuck is that? - That's one of mine. 302 00:16:47,320 --> 00:16:50,710 - Hey! How's it going? - Hey. 303 00:16:50,760 --> 00:16:53,750 - We thought we'd take you out for a surprise lunch. - Yeah. 304 00:16:53,800 --> 00:16:55,600 - Er... Yeah, OK. - Yeah? - OK. 305 00:16:56,840 --> 00:17:01,430 - Erm, so, how's it going with the, er, lymphoma? - Er... 306 00:17:01,480 --> 00:17:05,030 Not the trying for a baby -- can imagine how well that's going. 307 00:17:05,080 --> 00:17:09,150 Joel told me about the lump and I am so sorry. 308 00:17:09,200 --> 00:17:11,070 It's fine, honestly. 309 00:17:11,120 --> 00:17:16,790 He also told me about the 94% cure rate for chemo, which is great, huh? 310 00:17:16,840 --> 00:17:18,670 I'm not going to have chemotherapy. 311 00:17:18,720 --> 00:17:21,630 I'm not surprised you don't fancy it, you know, NHS these days, 312 00:17:21,680 --> 00:17:26,190 but how about I release some moths from the old wallet, eh? 313 00:17:26,240 --> 00:17:28,950 Use some of the divorce dividends to pay for you to go private? 314 00:17:29,000 --> 00:17:31,750 - Joel. - Maybe we could upgrade you to chemo plus, 315 00:17:31,800 --> 00:17:33,830 where they add a bit of smack to the mix. 316 00:17:33,880 --> 00:17:36,070 Look, I appreciate your concern, I do, 317 00:17:36,120 --> 00:17:38,710 - but I've looked into all of this. - Yeah, so have we. 318 00:17:38,760 --> 00:17:40,710 Our emphasis is on healing naturally, 319 00:17:40,760 --> 00:17:44,190 it's on empowering the body to heal itself, yeah? 320 00:17:44,240 --> 00:17:46,470 What the medical multinationals don't want you to know 321 00:17:46,520 --> 00:17:48,550 but what real science proves is that chemotherapy 322 00:17:48,600 --> 00:17:50,440 actually gives you cancer. 323 00:17:51,520 --> 00:17:53,310 - But... - You've already... 324 00:17:53,360 --> 00:17:55,310 .. got cancer. 325 00:17:55,360 --> 00:17:56,830 Oh, this is Harry 326 00:17:56,880 --> 00:17:58,550 He's got me on coffee enemas. 327 00:17:58,600 --> 00:18:01,310 I've promised him a mango and passion fruit one for his birthday. 328 00:18:01,360 --> 00:18:04,710 - Nice. - Harry had cancer last year. - Yeah? - Oh. 329 00:18:04,760 --> 00:18:06,630 Prostate. Right up the bunghole. 330 00:18:06,680 --> 00:18:11,270 But I smoked the fucker out with a cruise missile of pomegranate juice 331 00:18:11,320 --> 00:18:14,160 - and a flaxseed cluster bomb. - Yes! 332 00:18:16,800 --> 00:18:17,990 See? 333 00:18:18,040 --> 00:18:19,960 That's what I'm talking about. 334 00:18:22,320 --> 00:18:24,430 Guys, I'm a professional, yeah? 335 00:18:24,480 --> 00:18:26,870 This is what I do. 336 00:18:26,920 --> 00:18:29,190 The amount of people I've seen walk into this place sick 337 00:18:29,240 --> 00:18:30,590 and walk out again well. 338 00:18:30,640 --> 00:18:33,550 Yeah, I mean, it is great, all your alternative stuff 339 00:18:33,600 --> 00:18:38,510 for all your lovely hippy punters but, mate, this is cancer, 340 00:18:38,560 --> 00:18:40,630 it's not going down without a fight. 341 00:18:40,680 --> 00:18:44,200 Just because treatment's alternative doesn't mean it won't work. 342 00:19:15,000 --> 00:19:16,910 - Hi! - Oh. 343 00:19:16,960 --> 00:19:20,550 - Sorry to bother you like this. - How did you find me? 344 00:19:20,600 --> 00:19:22,840 Well, you gave me your address, remember? 345 00:19:23,880 --> 00:19:25,150 No. 346 00:19:25,200 --> 00:19:26,640 Oh... 347 00:19:27,640 --> 00:19:29,190 Well, I really need to talk to you. 348 00:19:29,240 --> 00:19:31,550 So you didn't get the message? 349 00:19:31,600 --> 00:19:34,630 Oh, shit. No, sorry. God, my phone is so crap. 350 00:19:34,680 --> 00:19:37,630 - Bloody Vodafone. - No, I meant the implicit message 351 00:19:37,680 --> 00:19:40,110 of me not returning your phone calls. 352 00:19:40,160 --> 00:19:41,470 Oh, right, yeah. 353 00:19:41,520 --> 00:19:43,710 - No, I got that message. - OK. 354 00:19:43,760 --> 00:19:48,430 Listen, listen, one of my best friends has got Hodgkin's lymphoma. 355 00:19:48,480 --> 00:19:50,950 Right, you can fall down a rabbit hole researching online 356 00:19:51,000 --> 00:19:54,110 and you're the only oncologist I know, so I was wondering 357 00:19:54,160 --> 00:19:56,430 whether I could just fire a few questions at you? 358 00:19:56,480 --> 00:20:00,350 - Oh, I really... - So, in a case of stage one nodular sclerosing, 359 00:20:00,400 --> 00:20:03,590 if the Reed-Sternberg cells are treated with radiation therapy, 360 00:20:03,640 --> 00:20:04,990 is there a chance...? 361 00:20:05,040 --> 00:20:07,710 OK, do you mind if we have this fun chat another time? 362 00:20:07,760 --> 00:20:09,190 I've got company. 363 00:20:09,240 --> 00:20:10,870 Er. Yeah. I've got... 364 00:20:10,920 --> 00:20:14,270 I can always, erm, e-mail you the questions... 365 00:20:14,320 --> 00:20:15,710 There's no rush. 366 00:20:15,760 --> 00:20:17,430 Well, there is a bit of a rush. 367 00:20:17,480 --> 00:20:19,590 Erm, also, I was wondering 368 00:20:19,640 --> 00:20:21,590 whether you'd potentially be up for another... 369 00:20:21,640 --> 00:20:22,790 Goodnight, Joe. 370 00:20:22,840 --> 00:20:24,230 Oh. 371 00:20:24,280 --> 00:20:25,510 Er, it... 372 00:20:25,560 --> 00:20:26,600 It's Joel. 373 00:20:52,360 --> 00:20:55,710 - You seem really focused and determined. - Is that a problem? 374 00:20:55,760 --> 00:20:58,270 I've just never seen you focused or determined before, 375 00:20:58,320 --> 00:21:00,160 so both at once is a bit of a headfuck. 376 00:21:01,680 --> 00:21:03,150 Hey-ha! 377 00:21:03,200 --> 00:21:04,270 Great to see you! 378 00:21:04,320 --> 00:21:06,510 Er -- yeah... Yeah, you, too. 379 00:21:06,560 --> 00:21:09,120 Come and say hi to Kira and the girls. 380 00:21:12,240 --> 00:21:14,270 Does it look bigger? The lump? 381 00:21:14,320 --> 00:21:16,190 I don't know. Maybe? Possibly? 382 00:21:16,240 --> 00:21:19,110 - This is where the magic happens. - Aww! 383 00:21:19,160 --> 00:21:21,990 Yeah, the old pharmacology shop. 384 00:21:22,040 --> 00:21:26,670 Got vitamins, state-of-the-art antineoplaston pills 385 00:21:26,720 --> 00:21:28,430 and enema equipment. 386 00:21:28,480 --> 00:21:30,800 Let me show you the juicing factory. 387 00:21:34,800 --> 00:21:36,110 Oh, hey, you two! 388 00:21:36,160 --> 00:21:38,590 There they are, my girls, juicing away. 389 00:21:38,640 --> 00:21:40,990 My crack squad of natural healers. 390 00:21:41,040 --> 00:21:42,430 It's so great you're here. 391 00:21:42,480 --> 00:21:44,950 Not everyone's been supportive of our health choices. 392 00:21:45,000 --> 00:21:48,110 We're just about to start some Hoxsey therapy. 393 00:21:48,160 --> 00:21:50,110 Herbal remedy from the 19th century. 394 00:21:50,160 --> 00:21:51,510 It was originally discovered 395 00:21:51,560 --> 00:21:53,550 when it reduced tumours in horses' legs. 396 00:21:53,600 --> 00:21:56,190 - Oh! - Wow! That sounds amazing. 397 00:21:56,240 --> 00:21:58,910 Right, enough carrots -- shall we get a proper lunch? 398 00:21:58,960 --> 00:22:00,150 So, when you bought the car, 399 00:22:00,200 --> 00:22:01,590 did you look at the other colours 400 00:22:01,640 --> 00:22:03,750 and think, "Nah, I'm just going to go full bell-end"? 401 00:22:03,800 --> 00:22:06,110 Look, if you're in the car and enjoying the car, 402 00:22:06,160 --> 00:22:08,350 you're not allowed to make comments about the car. OK? 403 00:22:08,400 --> 00:22:11,110 I think it's great you're getting your mid-life crisis in early. 404 00:22:11,160 --> 00:22:13,510 No, no, it's good that's Joel's finding himself. 405 00:22:13,560 --> 00:22:17,030 It's just a shame that the self he's finding is a bit of a twat. 406 00:22:17,780 --> 00:22:18,740 Right. Out. 407 00:22:19,560 --> 00:22:21,230 Here we are. 408 00:22:21,280 --> 00:22:25,000 Doesn't look like much, but it does the most amazing tea. 409 00:22:27,680 --> 00:22:29,230 Nadia! 410 00:22:29,280 --> 00:22:30,880 What a nice surprise! 411 00:22:32,040 --> 00:22:33,430 Nice car. 412 00:22:33,480 --> 00:22:35,590 I guess what you lose in insurance payments 413 00:22:35,640 --> 00:22:37,940 you gain in looking like you've got a tiny dick. 414 00:22:38,760 --> 00:22:41,790 - Do you, erm... do you mind if we join you? - Sure, go ahead. 415 00:22:41,840 --> 00:22:43,710 Ohh! 416 00:22:43,760 --> 00:22:47,520 Charlie, Tess -- this is Nadia. She's, er, from that dating site. 417 00:22:49,200 --> 00:22:50,430 Great to meet you. 418 00:22:50,480 --> 00:22:51,830 Heard so much about you. 419 00:22:51,880 --> 00:22:54,710 We're not going out, if that's what you're thinking. 420 00:22:54,760 --> 00:22:58,030 She does not mince her words, good old Nadia. 421 00:22:58,080 --> 00:23:00,280 In fact, she can be a bit of a wild one... 422 00:23:04,000 --> 00:23:08,150 She's also a fully qualified oncologist. 423 00:23:08,200 --> 00:23:09,590 Oh, that's a coincidence, 424 00:23:09,640 --> 00:23:12,990 cos Charlie here's been diagnosed with cancer -- Hodgkin's lymphoma. 425 00:23:13,040 --> 00:23:15,190 Wow. Bummer. 426 00:23:15,240 --> 00:23:17,190 So, Nadia, in your professional opinion, 427 00:23:17,240 --> 00:23:19,470 what's the best way to treat Hodgkin's? 428 00:23:19,520 --> 00:23:25,390 Well, chemotherapy has a 90% effectiveness rating. 429 00:23:25,440 --> 00:23:27,070 9... 94%. 430 00:23:27,120 --> 00:23:32,030 It's actually got a 94% effectiveness in clinical trials. 431 00:23:32,080 --> 00:23:34,510 Somewhere between 90 and 94% effective, 432 00:23:34,560 --> 00:23:37,910 - depending on which trials... - OK. Great. 433 00:23:37,960 --> 00:23:40,830 Thank you so much for the free community theatre. 434 00:23:40,880 --> 00:23:43,150 No, no, wait -- just show Nadia your lump. 435 00:23:43,200 --> 00:23:45,350 I've already shown a doctor my lump. 436 00:23:45,400 --> 00:23:47,550 All doctors have to offer is chemical poisoning. 437 00:23:47,600 --> 00:23:49,000 Which is off the menu. So... 438 00:23:54,240 --> 00:24:00,990 Look. You need to think of your body as an apartment that's got dry rot. 439 00:24:01,040 --> 00:24:03,070 It's not going to be fun getting it out -- 440 00:24:03,120 --> 00:24:05,990 the walls are going to take a bit of a battering -- 441 00:24:06,040 --> 00:24:07,430 but we're going to get there. 442 00:24:07,480 --> 00:24:08,790 And then, the good news is, 443 00:24:08,840 --> 00:24:11,950 when it's all over, you'll still be able to live in it. 444 00:24:12,000 --> 00:24:15,670 Hodgkin's is a good lymphoma to have. Plus you're only stage one. 445 00:24:15,720 --> 00:24:17,750 Chemo will cure it. OK? 446 00:24:17,800 --> 00:24:19,510 "Just do it", as Nike would say, 447 00:24:19,560 --> 00:24:21,270 if they sold cancer shoes. 448 00:24:21,320 --> 00:24:22,870 Would it be too much just to ask you all 449 00:24:22,920 --> 00:24:24,720 just to respect my freedom of choice? 450 00:24:25,560 --> 00:24:27,470 We would respect your freedom of choice 451 00:24:27,520 --> 00:24:29,910 if your choice wasn't so incredibly stupid. 452 00:24:29,960 --> 00:24:32,630 Kira and I have spent a lot of time researching this. 453 00:24:32,680 --> 00:24:36,190 Yeah, unlike the people who are selling you acupuncture and juice. 454 00:24:36,240 --> 00:24:38,310 You can't license juice! 455 00:24:38,360 --> 00:24:40,870 So, of course there's no research into it. 456 00:24:40,920 --> 00:24:42,230 Come on, mate. 457 00:24:42,280 --> 00:24:44,230 So, you believe 9/11 was an inside job, 458 00:24:44,280 --> 00:24:45,630 and you don't believe this? 459 00:24:45,680 --> 00:24:47,150 9/11 was an inside job! 460 00:24:47,200 --> 00:24:50,030 Jet fuel can't melt steel beams! 461 00:24:50,080 --> 00:24:52,030 Remember when my mum had cancer? 462 00:24:52,080 --> 00:24:54,670 The chemo hollowed her out. 463 00:24:54,720 --> 00:24:56,790 What little life she had left wasn't worth living. 464 00:24:56,840 --> 00:24:58,920 I'm not going to put myself through that. 465 00:25:00,640 --> 00:25:01,750 I'm going to live. 466 00:25:01,800 --> 00:25:03,390 No, you're not. 467 00:25:03,440 --> 00:25:04,800 You're going to die. 468 00:25:07,440 --> 00:25:08,840 Well, we'll see, won't we? 469 00:25:10,480 --> 00:25:11,680 Excuse me. 470 00:25:16,200 --> 00:25:18,320 Well, I guess I should go back to work. 471 00:25:20,960 --> 00:25:22,000 Ahem. 472 00:25:23,280 --> 00:25:24,720 Oh, yeah. Sorry. 473 00:25:32,800 --> 00:25:36,950 Well, no need for the brown envelope and the drug-dealer slide, but... 474 00:25:37,000 --> 00:25:38,480 thank you. 475 00:25:43,720 --> 00:25:44,760 She's a delight. 476 00:25:55,200 --> 00:25:57,590 - Yeah, we'll go for the carrots, beetroot... - Two carrots? 477 00:25:57,640 --> 00:26:00,560 Two carrots, two, two, and we'll get two of those, as well. 478 00:26:02,000 --> 00:26:03,710 Kira! 479 00:26:03,760 --> 00:26:05,590 Fancy meeting you here! 480 00:26:05,640 --> 00:26:07,160 Oh, hey, Joel. 481 00:26:08,800 --> 00:26:10,870 - Charlie told me what happened the other day. - Oh... 482 00:26:10,920 --> 00:26:13,790 You shouldn't try to manipulate people like that, it's not cool. 483 00:26:13,840 --> 00:26:17,150 Look, I just want what's best for Charlie. 484 00:26:17,200 --> 00:26:20,400 I'm sorry you don't want to support what we're doing. Thank you. 485 00:26:22,480 --> 00:26:23,990 Maybe it's better for everyone 486 00:26:24,040 --> 00:26:26,550 if you don't come round to see Charlie any more. 487 00:26:26,600 --> 00:26:28,550 Are you freezing me out? 488 00:26:28,600 --> 00:26:30,630 You're freezing yourself out. 489 00:26:30,680 --> 00:26:34,350 Charlie doesn't need all this negativity and anger around him. 490 00:26:34,400 --> 00:26:38,670 "Anger is an energy", to quote Johnny Rotten. 491 00:26:38,720 --> 00:26:41,950 I'm not calling Johnny Rotten a qualified medical professional, 492 00:26:42,000 --> 00:26:43,230 but I think he'd back me up 493 00:26:43,280 --> 00:26:45,870 when I say there's a time and place for carrots 494 00:26:45,920 --> 00:26:48,110 and a time and a place for medicine. 495 00:26:48,160 --> 00:26:49,670 Carrots ARE medicine. 496 00:26:49,720 --> 00:26:52,870 Yeah, medicine with a 0% chance of curing cancer -- 497 00:26:52,920 --> 00:26:57,190 unlike chemotherapy, which has a 94% chance. 498 00:26:57,240 --> 00:26:59,630 Yeah, but what if we're in that 6%? 499 00:26:59,680 --> 00:27:01,350 6% is 1 in 16! 500 00:27:01,400 --> 00:27:03,350 That's getting towards Russian roulette odds. 501 00:27:03,400 --> 00:27:06,590 Yeah, if you're playing Russian roulette with a really big gun. 502 00:27:06,640 --> 00:27:09,950 Look, I won't bother you and Charlie any more -- 503 00:27:10,000 --> 00:27:12,230 just tell him to take the chemo. 504 00:27:12,280 --> 00:27:13,520 Please! 505 00:27:26,520 --> 00:27:28,030 I've been doing loads more research. 506 00:27:28,080 --> 00:27:30,070 I've got some really exciting stuff to tell you. 507 00:27:30,120 --> 00:27:32,110 You can't just keep walking in here like this. 508 00:27:32,160 --> 00:27:33,150 So, to cure Hodgkin's, 509 00:27:33,200 --> 00:27:36,870 all you need is to blast away with a basic ABVD chemo cocktail. 510 00:27:36,920 --> 00:27:41,430 - Doxorubicin, bleomycin, vinblastine and a dacarbazine chaser. - Right. 511 00:27:41,480 --> 00:27:44,110 ABVD's not even that expensive. A couple of grand should cover it! 512 00:27:44,160 --> 00:27:45,470 Right, so we just go down to Boots 513 00:27:45,520 --> 00:27:48,190 - and ask for a couple of grands' worth of chemotherapy medicine? - No. 514 00:27:48,240 --> 00:27:50,590 - Nadia's got a contact. - Black market drugs? 515 00:27:50,640 --> 00:27:52,790 - More grey market. - I'm not having this conversation. 516 00:27:52,840 --> 00:27:54,150 It's all above board. 517 00:27:54,200 --> 00:27:56,350 Ethically. If not quite legally. 518 00:27:56,400 --> 00:27:58,830 I know you care about Charlie, I do, too, 519 00:27:58,880 --> 00:28:00,230 but this is not happening. 520 00:28:00,280 --> 00:28:01,750 We have reasoned with him. 521 00:28:01,800 --> 00:28:03,670 We've got a doctor to reason with him. 522 00:28:03,720 --> 00:28:04,830 I talked to Kira. 523 00:28:04,880 --> 00:28:07,310 We've tried everything, and none of it's worked. 524 00:28:07,360 --> 00:28:08,750 So, we've got two choices -- 525 00:28:08,800 --> 00:28:10,910 we sit back and watch Charlie die... 526 00:28:10,960 --> 00:28:14,230 or kidnap him and give him chemo until he's cured. 527 00:28:14,280 --> 00:28:16,670 - What?! - It's a piece of piss to administer. 528 00:28:16,720 --> 00:28:18,950 Tube in the bag, other end of the tube in the arm. 529 00:28:19,000 --> 00:28:21,270 - Done and dusted. - You've totally lost it. 530 00:28:21,320 --> 00:28:22,830 It's called tough love. 531 00:28:22,880 --> 00:28:25,190 Maybe if you and Charlie had tough loved me a bit more, 532 00:28:25,240 --> 00:28:27,430 I wouldn't have wasted the last decade of my life. 533 00:28:27,480 --> 00:28:29,950 It is one thing to tell your mate that his wife's mental, 534 00:28:30,000 --> 00:28:32,630 it is quite another thing to commit a crime and go to prison. 535 00:28:32,680 --> 00:28:35,470 What is the crime, saving his life? 536 00:28:35,520 --> 00:28:40,230 The CRIMES are abduction and kidnapping, 537 00:28:40,280 --> 00:28:42,630 and administering a substance against somebody's will, 538 00:28:42,680 --> 00:28:44,550 which, if it isn't a crime, really ought to be. 539 00:28:44,600 --> 00:28:47,430 Sure, but Charlie's not going to press charges, is he? 540 00:28:47,480 --> 00:28:48,870 It wouldn't be up to Charlie! 541 00:28:48,920 --> 00:28:51,630 Fine, then we go to prison, but we save his life. 542 00:28:51,680 --> 00:28:52,910 That's a small price to pay. 543 00:28:52,960 --> 00:28:54,790 Depending how many years we spend in prison, 544 00:28:54,840 --> 00:28:56,190 it's actually quite a big price. 545 00:28:56,240 --> 00:28:57,270 If it wasn't for Charlie, 546 00:28:57,320 --> 00:29:00,070 I'd still be chucking 20s over a balcony in my pants. 547 00:29:00,120 --> 00:29:02,310 He was there for me. He saved me. 548 00:29:02,360 --> 00:29:05,430 - Technically, WE saved you. - Now it's my turn. 549 00:29:05,480 --> 00:29:07,630 - This is a bit different, don't you think? - No. 550 00:29:07,680 --> 00:29:10,950 It's just mates being mates for their mates. 551 00:29:11,000 --> 00:29:12,830 You've got too much time on your hands. 552 00:29:12,880 --> 00:29:14,990 You need to get a job and a life. 553 00:29:15,040 --> 00:29:18,030 A life? A life is what Charlie needs. 554 00:29:18,080 --> 00:29:20,630 - I can't just drop everything to... - Why not? 555 00:29:20,680 --> 00:29:23,990 You should be writing your book, living the dream, 556 00:29:24,040 --> 00:29:28,510 not flushing yourself down this soul-sucking toilet bowl. 557 00:29:28,560 --> 00:29:30,470 Just think about it. 558 00:29:30,520 --> 00:29:33,670 It's the perfect one-size-fits-all solution. 559 00:29:33,720 --> 00:29:36,430 You'll write your book, Charlie won't die, 560 00:29:36,480 --> 00:29:37,990 and I'll pick up the tab. 561 00:29:38,040 --> 00:29:41,550 Sorry, personal visits aren't permitted, I'm afraid. 562 00:29:41,600 --> 00:29:45,030 Miss Dyson's productivity is already at a dangerously low level 563 00:29:45,080 --> 00:29:48,390 due to the amount of time she spends writing robot porn. 564 00:29:48,440 --> 00:29:51,550 That's private -- and it's not porn, it's adult science fiction! 565 00:29:51,600 --> 00:29:53,000 The car's outside. 566 00:29:54,040 --> 00:29:56,310 I'm going to save Charlie's life. 567 00:29:56,360 --> 00:29:57,880 I really need your help. 568 00:29:59,600 --> 00:30:01,630 Tess, help settle a bet. 569 00:30:01,680 --> 00:30:04,150 You're the expert on having sex with machines -- 570 00:30:04,200 --> 00:30:07,030 Danny and I were wondering which brand of kettle 571 00:30:07,080 --> 00:30:09,670 makes the most considerate lover. 572 00:30:11,800 --> 00:30:13,590 Actually, I wanted to let you know 573 00:30:13,640 --> 00:30:17,750 that I'm leaving your shitty job in a fucking Bentley. 574 00:30:17,800 --> 00:30:20,390 - Yeah? - Yeah. 575 00:30:20,440 --> 00:30:23,110 My visitor -- that was my literary agent, 576 00:30:23,160 --> 00:30:27,190 and he's outside now with my new Bentley. 577 00:30:27,240 --> 00:30:28,430 Sure he is. 578 00:30:28,480 --> 00:30:31,790 And he's sold my novel for a seven-or-eight-figure sum. 579 00:30:31,840 --> 00:30:33,750 Well, which is it? Seven or eight? 580 00:30:33,800 --> 00:30:36,030 It doesn't matter -- it's just a great deal of money. 581 00:30:36,080 --> 00:30:37,550 Well, it kind of matters, 582 00:30:37,600 --> 00:30:40,510 because the smallest eight-figure sum is 10 million. 583 00:30:40,560 --> 00:30:43,470 Are you getting £10 million for your novel? 584 00:30:43,520 --> 00:30:45,120 Quite possibly. 585 00:30:47,960 --> 00:30:51,110 You can all stop drinking from my Blade Runner mug. 586 00:30:51,160 --> 00:30:54,830 You can stop dipping your fucking celery in my hummus, John. 587 00:30:54,880 --> 00:30:57,360 FYI, I've been gobbing in it. 588 00:30:59,240 --> 00:31:02,070 And those Jaffa Cakes you've all been stealing -- 589 00:31:02,120 --> 00:31:03,640 I lick every one. 590 00:31:13,520 --> 00:31:14,560 Fuck you! 591 00:31:20,120 --> 00:31:21,630 Joel! 592 00:31:21,680 --> 00:31:23,830 You're going to do it? 593 00:31:23,880 --> 00:31:25,550 Yes! Come on! 594 00:31:25,600 --> 00:31:27,110 We're going to save Charlie. 595 00:31:27,160 --> 00:31:28,190 - Let me drive. - What? 596 00:31:28,240 --> 00:31:30,470 Give me the keys! I told them it was my car, let me drive. 597 00:31:30,520 --> 00:31:31,560 Thank you. 598 00:31:34,680 --> 00:31:36,510 This is great, this is going to be great! 599 00:31:36,560 --> 00:31:38,630 Right, ignition on, 600 00:31:38,680 --> 00:31:41,150 - handbrake off... Ooh! - Oi! - Sorry. 601 00:31:41,200 --> 00:31:45,270 Right, I'll look for a house for us to rent in the middle of nowhere. 602 00:31:45,320 --> 00:31:47,590 Stop laughing, assholes! 603 00:31:47,640 --> 00:31:49,870 This thing's a beast. Agh! 604 00:31:49,920 --> 00:31:52,160 I'll find us a nice low-key hideout. 605 00:31:57,920 --> 00:32:00,030 The property's a homestay, 606 00:32:00,080 --> 00:32:02,710 but the owners are looking at renting it out long term. 607 00:32:02,760 --> 00:32:04,750 See, they're in Australia indefinitely -- 608 00:32:04,800 --> 00:32:07,310 but, you know, they've left the house as is. 609 00:32:07,360 --> 00:32:10,950 Yeah, pretty hard to get that through customs, I imagine! 610 00:32:11,000 --> 00:32:12,270 Exactly, yeah. 611 00:32:12,320 --> 00:32:15,990 Five bedrooms, three bathrooms, large basement. 612 00:32:16,040 --> 00:32:17,470 Perfect for a big family. 613 00:32:17,520 --> 00:32:19,990 It's great. It's great. It's exactly what I'm looking for. 614 00:32:20,040 --> 00:32:21,310 How many children do you have? 615 00:32:21,360 --> 00:32:22,990 Er, three. 616 00:32:23,040 --> 00:32:24,960 Well, I'm hoping to have three. 617 00:32:27,720 --> 00:32:29,710 They are quite strict about the house rules. 618 00:32:29,760 --> 00:32:30,990 That's not a problem. 619 00:32:31,040 --> 00:32:32,590 I love rules. I love following them. 620 00:32:32,640 --> 00:32:34,150 Three months OK? 621 00:32:34,200 --> 00:32:36,590 Well, the minimum rental period is normally six. 622 00:32:36,640 --> 00:32:39,880 How about if I pay you in full in advance... in cash? 623 00:32:44,920 --> 00:32:46,080 That should be fine. 624 00:33:04,480 --> 00:33:05,990 Yellow Bentley. So discreet. 625 00:33:06,040 --> 00:33:09,070 Shazia, this is Joel and... a woman. 626 00:33:09,120 --> 00:33:10,630 Hi, I'm Tess. 627 00:33:10,680 --> 00:33:11,840 I'm actually a writer. 628 00:33:13,480 --> 00:33:15,230 It's a dead patient's prescription. 629 00:33:15,280 --> 00:33:16,590 Another one bites the dust. 630 00:33:16,640 --> 00:33:19,390 It's amazing how many drugs these dead patients need. 631 00:33:19,440 --> 00:33:20,910 Thanks. 632 00:33:20,960 --> 00:33:23,350 There you go. That's your commission. 633 00:33:23,400 --> 00:33:25,790 Oh, white envelope this time! Classy. 634 00:33:25,840 --> 00:33:27,430 Here's my card if you need any more. 635 00:33:27,480 --> 00:33:28,710 Wait, hold on a minute! 636 00:33:28,760 --> 00:33:30,590 We need training. We're not qualified to... 637 00:33:30,640 --> 00:33:32,670 Relax, they all come with instruction leaflets. 638 00:33:32,720 --> 00:33:34,830 - Instruction leaflets? - It's like cancer IKEA. 639 00:33:34,880 --> 00:33:36,910 If you get in trouble, you call the helpline. 640 00:33:36,960 --> 00:33:39,710 Er, I don't suppose you fancy getting a spot of dinner? 641 00:33:39,760 --> 00:33:40,990 The date window has closed. 642 00:33:41,040 --> 00:33:43,110 I just want to be extremely clear about that, 643 00:33:43,160 --> 00:33:45,150 because I wouldn't want you to have any hopes. 644 00:33:45,200 --> 00:33:47,030 There's no hopes here. 645 00:33:47,080 --> 00:33:48,560 Who needs stupid hopes? 646 00:33:49,840 --> 00:33:52,310 You should probably get another car. 647 00:33:52,360 --> 00:33:53,640 A crime car. 648 00:33:58,520 --> 00:34:00,270 - All right? - Yeah. 649 00:34:00,320 --> 00:34:02,800 Tell you what, I'm glad we got the fucking estate. 650 00:34:11,680 --> 00:34:13,550 I know what you're thinking, and, yes, 651 00:34:13,600 --> 00:34:15,520 this is very much a sex thing. 652 00:34:57,520 --> 00:34:59,390 You're looking well. 653 00:34:59,440 --> 00:35:01,880 Thanks. Yeah. I'm feeling good, actually. 654 00:35:03,040 --> 00:35:04,590 Feeling really... 655 00:35:09,720 --> 00:35:11,350 That's just... 656 00:35:11,400 --> 00:35:13,150 That's just toxins leaving the body. 657 00:35:13,200 --> 00:35:14,240 Right. 658 00:35:15,560 --> 00:35:17,950 What's with all the cloak-and-dagger stuff? 659 00:35:18,000 --> 00:35:19,790 Asking me to meet you in the middle of nowhere 660 00:35:19,840 --> 00:35:21,110 and promising not to tell Kira. 661 00:35:21,160 --> 00:35:22,430 Did you tell Kira? 662 00:35:22,480 --> 00:35:23,910 No, but why? 663 00:35:23,960 --> 00:35:25,670 Because she's so anti-Joel at the moment, 664 00:35:25,720 --> 00:35:27,870 she probably wouldn't want you to come and visit 665 00:35:27,920 --> 00:35:29,230 Joel's new house in the country! 666 00:35:29,280 --> 00:35:30,480 Yeah? 667 00:35:32,040 --> 00:35:33,470 Great. 668 00:35:33,520 --> 00:35:35,030 Oh, that's great he's got somewhere. 669 00:35:35,080 --> 00:35:37,070 We've been worried about him since the divorce. 670 00:35:37,120 --> 00:35:38,390 I mean, Steph was a nightmare, 671 00:35:38,440 --> 00:35:41,710 but at least being married to her gave him some... solidity. 672 00:35:41,760 --> 00:35:44,830 I feel like he needs a project to focus on, don't you think? 673 00:35:44,880 --> 00:35:45,950 Yeah. A project. 674 00:35:46,000 --> 00:35:49,470 I mean, not a job, necessarily, but maybe something creative. 675 00:35:49,520 --> 00:35:50,590 Charity work? 676 00:35:50,640 --> 00:35:52,750 Right. Exactly. Charity work. 677 00:35:52,800 --> 00:35:55,400 I'm just going to text Kira, let her know I might be late. 678 00:35:56,120 --> 00:35:57,990 Shit. 679 00:35:58,040 --> 00:35:59,150 Got no reception. 680 00:35:59,200 --> 00:36:02,310 Oh, bummer. You should think about switching providers. 681 00:36:02,360 --> 00:36:03,480 02 are immense. 682 00:36:04,880 --> 00:36:07,590 Jesus, look at the size of this place. 683 00:36:07,640 --> 00:36:10,830 - Still got no bloody reception. - Oh, there'll be a landline inside. 684 00:36:10,880 --> 00:36:12,990 - You made it! - Yeah! - Great to see you. 685 00:36:13,040 --> 00:36:15,910 You didn't tell me that you'd rented Downton fucking Abbey. 686 00:36:15,960 --> 00:36:17,070 Can I use your phone? 687 00:36:17,120 --> 00:36:18,710 Ah, yeah -- kitchen. In there. 688 00:36:18,760 --> 00:36:20,750 - Everything ready? - Of course it's ready. 689 00:36:20,800 --> 00:36:22,790 - So, the jammer worked. - Uh-huh. 690 00:36:22,840 --> 00:36:24,190 Right, I'll pin him, you cuff him. 691 00:36:24,240 --> 00:36:25,990 Why can't I pin him and you cuff him? 692 00:36:26,040 --> 00:36:27,350 You can't pin him, you're a girl. 693 00:36:27,400 --> 00:36:29,600 I'm a woman -- and that's incredibly sexist. 694 00:36:34,280 --> 00:36:36,390 There's no dial tone. 695 00:36:36,440 --> 00:36:37,520 That's weird. 696 00:36:42,760 --> 00:36:44,990 - Why are your hands behind your back? - They're not. 697 00:36:45,040 --> 00:36:46,150 Yes, they are. 698 00:36:46,200 --> 00:36:47,870 That's how I like to walk sometimes. 699 00:36:47,920 --> 00:36:49,550 Like Prince Charles. 700 00:36:49,600 --> 00:36:52,950 Are you saying because I'm female I can't walk like Prince Charles? 701 00:36:53,000 --> 00:36:54,670 That's incredibly sexist. 702 00:36:54,720 --> 00:36:56,120 That's not what I'm saying. 703 00:36:57,640 --> 00:36:59,240 What's going on? 704 00:37:04,000 --> 00:37:05,040 Gah! 705 00:37:06,120 --> 00:37:07,470 What the fuck are you doing? 706 00:37:07,520 --> 00:37:09,030 OK, shh, shh. 707 00:37:09,080 --> 00:37:10,670 I'm sorry, but it's for your own good. 708 00:37:10,720 --> 00:37:15,030 - God, get off! - It may feel bad, but, really, it's very good. 709 00:37:15,080 --> 00:37:16,910 No... 710 00:37:16,960 --> 00:37:18,910 No, no, no... 711 00:37:18,960 --> 00:37:21,350 Good. Good. 712 00:37:21,400 --> 00:37:23,390 You fucking... fucking... 713 00:37:23,440 --> 00:37:26,630 - fucks... - Shh-shh-shh. 714 00:37:26,680 --> 00:37:28,400 Shh-shh-shh. 715 00:37:32,520 --> 00:37:34,470 Double teaming the cancer victim. 716 00:37:34,520 --> 00:37:35,790 Nice! 717 00:37:35,840 --> 00:37:37,840 We're like a hardcore Chuckle Brothers. 718 00:37:39,720 --> 00:37:41,230 Is he OK? 719 00:37:41,280 --> 00:37:42,390 He looks dead. 720 00:37:42,440 --> 00:37:44,990 No, he's not dead, it's a sedative -- midazolam. 721 00:37:45,040 --> 00:37:46,350 It's fine, it's medical! 722 00:37:46,400 --> 00:37:48,310 Oh, because it's medical, it's fine? 723 00:37:48,360 --> 00:37:49,960 Heroin's fucking medical! 724 00:37:51,760 --> 00:37:52,870 Oh, my God... 725 00:37:52,920 --> 00:37:54,470 We've killed him! 726 00:37:54,520 --> 00:37:56,670 We tried to save him and we've killed him instead. 727 00:37:56,720 --> 00:37:58,150 Oh, God, I hate us! 728 00:37:58,200 --> 00:37:59,440 What have we done? 729 00:38:06,040 --> 00:38:09,630 See! He's fine, he's fine. Look, he's not dead, 730 00:38:09,680 --> 00:38:11,830 and, thanks to us, he won't be dead any time soon. 731 00:38:11,880 --> 00:38:14,030 Now grab his legs, come on. 732 00:38:15,480 --> 00:38:16,520 Go! 733 00:38:22,880 --> 00:38:24,790 - Agh! - Oh, whoa, don't drop him. 734 00:38:24,840 --> 00:38:26,230 I'm not going to drop him. 735 00:38:26,280 --> 00:38:27,870 Looked like you were going to drop him. 736 00:38:27,920 --> 00:38:30,790 Listen, Legs, you just focus on doing your job 737 00:38:30,840 --> 00:38:34,030 and stop worrying whether Shoulders is doing his. 738 00:38:59,120 --> 00:39:01,670 OK, first we insert the cannula... 739 00:39:01,720 --> 00:39:03,470 Can't we just put the needle straight in? 740 00:39:03,520 --> 00:39:05,830 No, we put the needle in through the cannula, remember? 741 00:39:05,880 --> 00:39:08,950 - We've been over this. - All right, just get on with it. 742 00:39:09,000 --> 00:39:10,190 Got to find a vein. 743 00:39:10,240 --> 00:39:11,830 Oh, this is horrible. 744 00:39:11,880 --> 00:39:13,830 No, it's not horrible, it's medicine. 745 00:39:13,880 --> 00:39:15,150 We're doctors. 746 00:39:15,200 --> 00:39:17,510 - Pretend doctors. - Fine, pretend doctors. 747 00:39:17,560 --> 00:39:19,110 Mocktors. 748 00:39:19,160 --> 00:39:20,360 Er... 749 00:39:21,760 --> 00:39:23,880 Fuck, it looks so easy when they do it on TV. 750 00:39:27,360 --> 00:39:28,600 Fucking... 751 00:39:31,640 --> 00:39:33,240 You know what? Fuck you... 752 00:39:37,720 --> 00:39:38,950 Not the chemo! 753 00:39:39,000 --> 00:39:42,070 We inject the antinausea stuff first. 754 00:39:42,120 --> 00:39:45,040 Right, OK, let's just do it before the sedative wears off. 755 00:39:47,160 --> 00:39:48,320 OK... 756 00:40:04,320 --> 00:40:07,190 - He's bleeding. - I know he's bleeding, I can see he's fucking bleeding. 757 00:40:07,240 --> 00:40:09,270 - He's not supposed to be bleeding, is he? - No. 758 00:40:09,320 --> 00:40:10,910 He is not supposed to be bleeding. 759 00:40:10,960 --> 00:40:12,830 Get that thing out of his arm! 760 00:40:12,880 --> 00:40:14,310 It's supposed to go in, not out! 761 00:40:14,360 --> 00:40:15,400 Just get it out! 762 00:40:16,520 --> 00:40:17,760 Oh, I'll do it. 763 00:40:22,760 --> 00:40:24,430 Just take it out! 764 00:40:24,480 --> 00:40:25,670 A-A-Argh! 765 00:40:25,720 --> 00:40:28,270 You turned his arm into a blood hose! 766 00:40:28,320 --> 00:40:30,150 I didn't, you did! 767 00:40:30,200 --> 00:40:32,790 Oh, my God, nice work, Dr Shipman. 768 00:40:32,840 --> 00:40:35,470 - Oh, fuck! - Aah! Get the leaflet! 769 00:40:35,520 --> 00:40:37,510 Where's the leaflet? 770 00:40:37,560 --> 00:40:39,710 We haven't got time to read the fucking leaflet -- 771 00:40:39,760 --> 00:40:41,350 the sedative doesn't last that long! 772 00:40:41,400 --> 00:40:43,590 - Let's give him some more sedative. - Two words. 773 00:40:43,640 --> 00:40:45,150 "Michael" and "Jackson"! 774 00:40:45,200 --> 00:40:47,800 Well, what else do you suggest, Dr Quinn Medicine Woman? 775 00:40:51,240 --> 00:40:55,390 Basically, we would like to hire you to administer the chemo. 776 00:40:55,440 --> 00:40:58,190 I guess you screwed it up pretty badly, then. 777 00:40:58,240 --> 00:41:00,070 Erm... Well... 778 00:41:03,400 --> 00:41:04,990 Sorry. 779 00:41:05,040 --> 00:41:06,320 Big night last night. 780 00:41:07,560 --> 00:41:10,110 I took your envelope and I spent it all. 781 00:41:10,160 --> 00:41:11,790 - You spent the whole 20 grand? - Mm. 782 00:41:11,840 --> 00:41:14,190 You can buy a great night out for 20 grand. 783 00:41:14,240 --> 00:41:18,190 I think the low point was probably falling off that podium. 784 00:41:19,440 --> 00:41:23,870 Ugh! My biggest mistake was going into work the next day. 785 00:41:23,920 --> 00:41:26,590 I got called into the principal's office. 786 00:41:26,640 --> 00:41:28,230 Oh, no! What for? 787 00:41:28,280 --> 00:41:30,830 I did this stupid chest drain a couple of weeks ago, 788 00:41:30,880 --> 00:41:32,190 but I was kind of high 789 00:41:32,240 --> 00:41:34,950 so I fucked it up and the asshole nearly died. 790 00:41:35,000 --> 00:41:37,190 - Oh, my God. - Also, I slept with a few patients. 791 00:41:37,240 --> 00:41:38,710 Right. 792 00:41:38,760 --> 00:41:41,510 Not the one I nearly killed, these were different ones. 793 00:41:41,560 --> 00:41:44,870 The upshot is, I'm suspended, and I might even get struck off. 794 00:41:44,920 --> 00:41:46,830 This is so fucking unfair. 795 00:41:46,880 --> 00:41:48,830 Yeah, that's really unfair. 796 00:41:48,880 --> 00:41:52,190 So, I am currently a gun for hire, 797 00:41:52,240 --> 00:41:56,670 if you can imagine a medical gun that sprays health bullets. 798 00:41:56,720 --> 00:41:59,070 OK... Great. 799 00:41:59,120 --> 00:42:02,350 It is great, it's great timing, actually. 800 00:42:02,400 --> 00:42:04,430 It's almost like the universe 801 00:42:04,480 --> 00:42:07,190 is finally looking out for me, for once. 802 00:42:09,520 --> 00:42:11,640 Everything is coming up Nadia! 803 00:42:12,920 --> 00:42:14,830 - So you'll do it? - Sure. - Brilliant! 804 00:42:14,880 --> 00:42:16,160 - For 100 grand. - Oh... 805 00:42:18,200 --> 00:42:20,270 Please just let me go. 806 00:42:20,320 --> 00:42:21,630 I can't. 807 00:42:21,680 --> 00:42:23,510 I need my acupuncture. 808 00:42:23,560 --> 00:42:25,510 I need... my juice. 809 00:42:25,560 --> 00:42:27,040 Yeah, you really don't. 810 00:42:28,600 --> 00:42:30,190 Look, I'm sorry about all this. 811 00:42:30,240 --> 00:42:33,270 If you're sorry... why don't you just let me go? 812 00:42:33,320 --> 00:42:35,270 Well, I'm not sorry we kidnapped you. 813 00:42:35,320 --> 00:42:38,030 I'm just sorry it's so horrible. 814 00:42:38,080 --> 00:42:40,190 What did you think it would be like? 815 00:42:40,740 --> 00:42:42,990 Is it a nice funfair ride? 816 00:42:43,040 --> 00:42:44,720 Magic Chemo Mountain? 817 00:42:45,840 --> 00:42:47,320 I'm back. 818 00:42:48,560 --> 00:42:49,640 Who's this? 819 00:42:50,760 --> 00:42:51,870 Dr Cool? 820 00:42:51,920 --> 00:42:54,190 No, it's a Scottish doctor friend. 821 00:42:54,240 --> 00:42:57,030 I'm here to administer your medicine. 822 00:42:57,080 --> 00:43:00,230 What is it? Extremely fake Highland shortbread? 823 00:43:00,280 --> 00:43:01,470 - Right... - No! 824 00:43:01,520 --> 00:43:04,150 You can't give him another dose of that. 825 00:43:04,200 --> 00:43:05,390 Er, lorazepam? 826 00:43:05,440 --> 00:43:09,550 That takes, like, an hour to dissolve. Here. Let's try... 827 00:43:09,600 --> 00:43:11,790 - ketamine. - Ketamine?! 828 00:43:11,840 --> 00:43:13,430 Dissolves in the mooth. 829 00:43:13,480 --> 00:43:15,510 Good old sublingual absorption. 830 00:43:15,560 --> 00:43:16,710 Come on, give us a hand. 831 00:43:16,760 --> 00:43:18,550 Fuck off! Fuck off. 832 00:43:18,600 --> 00:43:19,990 Fuck off, fuck off. 833 00:43:20,040 --> 00:43:21,230 Fuck off, please. 834 00:43:21,280 --> 00:43:22,310 Isn't ketamine illegal? 835 00:43:22,360 --> 00:43:23,750 In case you hadn't noticed, 836 00:43:23,800 --> 00:43:26,000 everything we're doing is fucking illegal. 837 00:43:31,040 --> 00:43:32,240 That IS quick. 838 00:43:35,480 --> 00:43:37,070 This place is something else. 839 00:43:37,120 --> 00:43:40,670 Did you read Josef Fritzl's guide to building a dungeon? 840 00:43:40,720 --> 00:43:41,950 No, of course not. 841 00:43:42,000 --> 00:43:46,480 Although I did check out Ariel Castro's excellent website. 842 00:43:49,400 --> 00:43:53,590 And that, my friend, is that. 843 00:43:53,640 --> 00:43:56,400 Let the flavour flood in. 844 00:44:02,160 --> 00:44:04,510 Er... should you be smoking? 845 00:44:04,560 --> 00:44:06,550 He's already got cancer. 846 00:44:06,600 --> 00:44:09,190 Yeah, I just thought it needed to be sterile? 847 00:44:09,240 --> 00:44:10,510 Mm-mm. 848 00:44:10,560 --> 00:44:12,550 Only when you're preparing it. 849 00:44:12,600 --> 00:44:16,030 In fact, he's better off here than in a hospital, honestly. 850 00:44:16,080 --> 00:44:17,510 Less risk of infection 851 00:44:17,560 --> 00:44:20,560 from one of the living dead, as I like to call them. 852 00:44:27,040 --> 00:44:29,550 Erm, do you have to head off so soon? 853 00:44:29,600 --> 00:44:33,030 It's late. There's... there's plenty of spare bedrooms. 854 00:44:33,080 --> 00:44:37,510 Nah, I just want to go home and sleep for a year. 855 00:44:37,560 --> 00:44:38,950 Then maybe drink for a year, 856 00:44:39,000 --> 00:44:41,670 then, I don't know, sleep for another year. 857 00:44:41,720 --> 00:44:42,960 So... 858 00:44:47,000 --> 00:44:48,430 Envelope. 859 00:44:48,480 --> 00:44:50,560 Oh, yeah. Er... 860 00:44:55,320 --> 00:44:57,630 This doesn't look like 100 grand. 861 00:44:57,680 --> 00:44:58,950 I was thinking, you know, 862 00:44:59,000 --> 00:45:01,790 rather than giving you all the money up front, 863 00:45:01,840 --> 00:45:04,790 we could use... a system of instalments. 864 00:45:04,840 --> 00:45:08,150 - Instalments? - Yeah, like, one payment after every dose? 865 00:45:08,200 --> 00:45:09,870 What, you don't trust me, or something? 866 00:45:09,920 --> 00:45:12,950 You think I'm going to take the money and fuck off to Mexico? 867 00:45:13,000 --> 00:45:15,630 - No... - That is actually what I was planning on doing, 868 00:45:15,680 --> 00:45:19,230 but not until I get it all, so... fine. 869 00:45:19,280 --> 00:45:20,910 All right. Instalments. 870 00:45:20,960 --> 00:45:22,150 See you in two weeks. 871 00:45:22,200 --> 00:45:26,270 Or, you know, you could, er... You could stay here with us. 872 00:45:26,320 --> 00:45:27,800 Why would I want to do that? 873 00:45:29,680 --> 00:45:31,230 It might be fun. 874 00:45:31,280 --> 00:45:32,710 - Right. - But, more importantly, 875 00:45:32,760 --> 00:45:34,590 what if something happens to Charlie? 876 00:45:34,640 --> 00:45:35,870 Then you give me a call. 877 00:45:35,920 --> 00:45:38,790 - What if you don't get here in time and he dies? - He won't. 878 00:45:38,840 --> 00:45:41,550 Yeah, but he might. Please... You know, just stay. 879 00:45:41,600 --> 00:45:44,070 - No. - What if... 880 00:45:44,120 --> 00:45:45,600 I double your money? 881 00:45:46,920 --> 00:45:48,120 Triple. 882 00:46:07,560 --> 00:46:09,350 Are you sure about this? 883 00:46:09,400 --> 00:46:11,190 Bit late for that, isn't it? 884 00:46:11,240 --> 00:46:14,990 Unless you want to suck the chemo out of his arm, like snake venom. 885 00:46:15,040 --> 00:46:18,390 - I meant Nadia. - What choice do we have? 886 00:46:18,440 --> 00:46:19,870 She was already in on it, so... 887 00:46:19,920 --> 00:46:22,550 - Just seems like a massive fucking liability. - Fine. 888 00:46:22,600 --> 00:46:24,590 Let's just scan through your database 889 00:46:24,640 --> 00:46:26,760 of qualified black market doctors. 890 00:46:28,840 --> 00:46:31,150 I hacked Charlie's answerphone. 891 00:46:31,200 --> 00:46:32,510 OK... 892 00:46:32,560 --> 00:46:35,190 - Getting all News Of The World on his ass? - Just listen. 893 00:46:35,240 --> 00:46:38,550 Charlie, please call me back. We're really worried about you. 894 00:46:39,100 --> 00:46:40,630 Charlie, where are you? 895 00:46:40,680 --> 00:46:43,110 You've been gone seven hours. Please call me. 896 00:46:43,560 --> 00:46:44,990 I've called the police. 897 00:46:45,040 --> 00:46:48,070 Wherever you are, OK, don't worry. We're coming to get you! 898 00:46:50,480 --> 00:46:53,710 Well, on the bright side, she has no idea what happened to him, so... 899 00:46:53,760 --> 00:46:55,670 Great, I feel so wonderfully carefree and happy 900 00:46:55,720 --> 00:46:57,830 - now that you've said that. - Look... 901 00:46:57,880 --> 00:47:01,190 We are only keeping him captive until he is cured. 902 00:47:01,240 --> 00:47:04,630 Tube in the arm twice a month for three months. 903 00:47:04,680 --> 00:47:06,440 Three months. Jesus. 904 00:47:07,760 --> 00:47:10,110 I can't believe we're actually... kidnappers. 905 00:47:10,160 --> 00:47:12,190 We are not kidnappers. 906 00:47:12,240 --> 00:47:13,480 We are just... 907 00:47:14,520 --> 00:47:15,990 .. extreme doctors. 908 00:47:16,040 --> 00:47:18,030 We've got somebody chained up in the basement. 909 00:47:18,080 --> 00:47:20,350 You don't get them doing that on Embarrassing Bodies. 910 00:47:20,400 --> 00:47:22,390 Oh, they'd love to, though, it's just... Ofcom. 911 00:47:22,440 --> 00:47:24,910 Look, relax! It's going to be fine. 912 00:47:24,960 --> 00:47:27,510 Just think of it as an adventure holiday. 913 00:47:27,560 --> 00:47:29,390 An illegally administered chemotherapy, 914 00:47:29,440 --> 00:47:31,230 enforced incarceration holiday? 915 00:47:31,280 --> 00:47:32,440 Yeah. Exactly. 916 00:47:33,560 --> 00:47:35,880 - Kind of like Center Parcs. - Huh. 917 00:47:39,000 --> 00:47:40,590 I know you. 918 00:47:40,640 --> 00:47:43,110 You're Nadia, Joel's date from the cafe. 919 00:47:43,160 --> 00:47:46,110 I don't know to what you might be referring. 920 00:47:46,160 --> 00:47:48,440 Well, the scent of Silk Cut's a giveaway. 921 00:47:51,520 --> 00:47:53,630 Fine. 922 00:47:53,680 --> 00:47:55,190 I just pissed blood. 923 00:47:55,240 --> 00:47:56,590 You're killing me. 924 00:47:56,640 --> 00:47:58,110 That's just the doxorubicin. 925 00:47:58,160 --> 00:48:00,510 It dyes your piss red for 48 hours. 926 00:48:00,560 --> 00:48:03,790 I should have warned you, but I didn't want to ruin the surprise. 927 00:48:03,840 --> 00:48:06,190 What kind of doctor injects an unconscious patient 928 00:48:06,240 --> 00:48:09,710 - against their will? - I guess it's like being a vet. 929 00:48:09,760 --> 00:48:11,990 You know, you don't ask dogs to sign consent forms 930 00:48:12,040 --> 00:48:13,870 cos they're too stupid to know what they mean. 931 00:48:13,920 --> 00:48:16,070 - Except I'm not a dog. - No, you're stupider... 932 00:48:16,120 --> 00:48:17,430 because you should know better. 933 00:48:17,480 --> 00:48:20,310 Oh, is that what you do for a living, you know better? 934 00:48:20,360 --> 00:48:22,710 Just like Blair knew better about invading Iraq? 935 00:48:22,760 --> 00:48:24,670 - I didn't invade Iraq. - Well, you invaded my body 936 00:48:24,720 --> 00:48:26,270 which is my own personal Iraq. 937 00:48:26,320 --> 00:48:28,190 Want to know what I do for a living? 938 00:48:28,240 --> 00:48:32,550 It is called being a qualified doctor. 939 00:48:32,600 --> 00:48:34,310 You study for years, 940 00:48:34,360 --> 00:48:35,950 you save people's lives 941 00:48:36,000 --> 00:48:39,230 and everybody agrees you're fucking awesome. 942 00:48:39,280 --> 00:48:42,030 And does the Hippocratic oath cover tying your patients up 943 00:48:42,080 --> 00:48:44,590 - and poisoning them? - I'm pretty sure the Hippocratic oath 944 00:48:44,640 --> 00:48:47,790 is something to do with offering your soul to Apollo. 945 00:48:47,840 --> 00:48:50,950 You're not a doctor. You're a medical mercenary. 946 00:48:51,000 --> 00:48:53,950 How much of Joel's divorce dividend is he paying you? 947 00:48:54,000 --> 00:48:55,750 What's wrong with getting paid? 948 00:48:55,800 --> 00:48:58,470 What's wrong with being a needle for hire? 949 00:48:58,520 --> 00:49:01,070 I don't know what your story is, 950 00:49:01,120 --> 00:49:04,440 but it's clear that you took a wrong turn at some point in your life. 951 00:49:06,160 --> 00:49:08,800 - Have you considered therapy? - No. Have you? 952 00:49:14,000 --> 00:49:17,550 Besides, I don't need that shit because... 953 00:49:17,600 --> 00:49:23,480 I have a real cure for any problem, big or small. 954 00:49:24,840 --> 00:49:27,510 Prescription single malt. 955 00:49:27,560 --> 00:49:29,360 Dude! Look what I got. 956 00:49:31,040 --> 00:49:32,590 Adult nappy! 957 00:49:32,640 --> 00:49:35,710 - Oh, my God! - It's the slacker dream! 958 00:49:35,760 --> 00:49:38,910 No more stupid bedpan or going all the way to the bathroom 959 00:49:38,960 --> 00:49:40,310 to take a dump, for you. 960 00:49:40,360 --> 00:49:41,790 Just let me go. 961 00:49:41,840 --> 00:49:43,190 I feel sick. 962 00:49:43,240 --> 00:49:47,670 - That's just the bleomycin kicking in. - Oh... No mask? 963 00:49:47,720 --> 00:49:49,710 Mm. It's too much like work. 964 00:49:49,760 --> 00:49:51,110 What's...? 965 00:49:51,160 --> 00:49:52,150 Oh, shit. 966 00:49:52,200 --> 00:49:55,230 Oh, my God. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Uh... 967 00:49:55,280 --> 00:49:56,510 Oh, my God... 968 00:49:56,560 --> 00:49:58,670 That's... That's not good. 969 00:49:58,720 --> 00:50:00,030 That's not supposed to happen. 970 00:50:00,080 --> 00:50:02,270 Just calm... Calm down, OK? 971 00:50:02,320 --> 00:50:03,430 That's not supposed to... 972 00:50:03,480 --> 00:50:05,270 Er... Call an ambulance. 973 00:50:05,320 --> 00:50:08,870 - Oh, my God! - Call... Call an ambulance! 974 00:50:08,920 --> 00:50:11,590 Wait, wait, wait! Wait, wait, wait... 975 00:50:11,640 --> 00:50:13,870 I'm just fucking with you. That's just... 976 00:50:13,920 --> 00:50:16,310 That's just a muscle spasm. 977 00:50:16,360 --> 00:50:18,630 A tremor, we call it. It's all good. 978 00:50:18,680 --> 00:50:20,570 It's not all good! 979 00:50:21,520 --> 00:50:24,030 It's not all good. That's not all good! 980 00:50:24,080 --> 00:50:27,590 Ah, she got us good there. Good old Nadia. 981 00:50:27,640 --> 00:50:32,080 Phew! You've got to admit, she... She got us there. 982 00:50:47,320 --> 00:50:49,510 Dude, you've got to relax. 983 00:50:49,560 --> 00:50:51,360 Just take your mind off everything. 984 00:50:53,840 --> 00:50:58,670 Right, if you agree to play a bit of Xbox, 985 00:50:58,720 --> 00:51:02,350 maybe I could loosen your straps one relaxing notch? 986 00:51:02,400 --> 00:51:04,350 - Fuck off. - Oh, come on, mate. 987 00:51:04,400 --> 00:51:07,150 You're not going anywhere. You might as well enjoy it. 988 00:51:07,200 --> 00:51:08,550 Enjoy it? 989 00:51:08,600 --> 00:51:09,750 Why not? 990 00:51:09,800 --> 00:51:13,710 Hey, when do guys our age ever get a chance just to hang out like this? 991 00:51:13,760 --> 00:51:16,710 We haven't kicked back and just had a bloody good laugh in ages. 992 00:51:16,760 --> 00:51:18,310 I just want to go home. 993 00:51:18,360 --> 00:51:20,800 I just want to see Kira and Phoebe and Megan. 994 00:51:23,040 --> 00:51:24,990 OK. Well, if you don't want to play a game, 995 00:51:25,040 --> 00:51:27,510 then we can always watch a movie. 996 00:51:27,560 --> 00:51:30,070 I've got Captain America... Planet Of The Apes? 997 00:51:30,120 --> 00:51:31,390 This is just an excuse for you 998 00:51:31,440 --> 00:51:33,800 to regress to your adolescence, isn't it? 999 00:51:35,360 --> 00:51:37,470 It's like your insane flat. 1000 00:51:37,520 --> 00:51:41,430 Well, excuse me for trying to make this a little bit fun for you 1001 00:51:41,480 --> 00:51:42,990 while I'm busy saving your life. 1002 00:51:43,040 --> 00:51:46,030 Well, my idea of fun is being at home with my family, getting well. 1003 00:51:46,080 --> 00:51:48,040 Oh, wow, that sounds thrilling. 1004 00:51:49,480 --> 00:51:53,030 Look, I know this all seems a little bit cruel, 1005 00:51:53,080 --> 00:51:55,240 but it's for your own good. Right? 1006 00:51:56,400 --> 00:51:57,720 It's friendly fire. 1007 00:51:58,920 --> 00:52:03,350 Friendly fire is when a soldier gets shot by his own army, you dick! 1008 00:52:03,400 --> 00:52:05,000 All right, friendlier than that. 1009 00:52:27,160 --> 00:52:31,390 Charlie hasn't been seen since he left his Bristol address, 1010 00:52:31,440 --> 00:52:34,480 and we are becoming increasingly concerned for his safety. 1011 00:53:13,680 --> 00:53:15,230 I think I'm running out of respawn... 1012 00:53:15,280 --> 00:53:17,870 - Heads up, we've got a new guy on the team! - What's up, new guy? 1013 00:53:17,920 --> 00:53:19,030 Yeah! So, new guy, 1014 00:53:19,080 --> 00:53:22,480 - you going to help us take down these swarm fuckers or not? - Head shot! 1015 00:53:33,600 --> 00:53:36,150 - Yes! - Forget about him. 1016 00:53:36,200 --> 00:53:38,070 We've got bigger things to worry about. 1017 00:53:38,120 --> 00:53:42,950 I just want to make it clear -- I will fuck you, but that's it. 1018 00:53:43,000 --> 00:53:44,040 Absolutely. 1019 00:53:45,280 --> 00:53:48,960 - You got that. - Sick! - Aw, I missed it, man! 1020 00:53:51,160 --> 00:53:53,190 No, it's that way. That way! That way! 1021 00:53:53,240 --> 00:53:54,640 Yeah, come on, then. 1022 00:53:58,080 --> 00:54:00,030 And even though we're living together, 1023 00:54:00,080 --> 00:54:03,270 - we're not, you know, actually LIVING together. - Of course, yeah. 1024 00:54:03,320 --> 00:54:05,390 I'll probably pass out in your bed after I come, 1025 00:54:05,440 --> 00:54:07,080 but do not take that personally. 1026 00:54:08,840 --> 00:54:12,040 - Shit! - Got him! 1027 00:54:15,640 --> 00:54:18,840 - Oh, yes, man! I got him! - Where are you? 1028 00:54:19,920 --> 00:54:21,320 Oh, my God, it's happening. 1029 00:54:22,440 --> 00:54:24,510 It's the holiday of my dreams. 1030 00:54:24,560 --> 00:54:26,910 Is anybody there? Is anybody there? 1031 00:54:26,960 --> 00:54:29,230 Where you been, man? What's going on? 1032 00:54:29,280 --> 00:54:31,390 Come on, we're getting slaughtered over here. 1033 00:54:31,440 --> 00:54:32,600 Oh, bastard! 1034 00:54:45,880 --> 00:54:50,270 I've been kidnapped! I'm in a house somewhere in the country. 1035 00:54:50,320 --> 00:54:52,310 They're giving me chemotherapy against my will! 1036 00:54:52,360 --> 00:54:54,270 - That sounds pretty fucked up. - Are you serious? 1037 00:54:54,320 --> 00:54:55,840 - Mate... - That was my shot! 1038 00:55:00,280 --> 00:55:02,750 - Is that the new level? - No. No, no! It's... 1039 00:55:02,800 --> 00:55:06,110 It's not the game. This is real life. 1040 00:55:06,160 --> 00:55:07,470 I've been kidnapped. 1041 00:55:07,520 --> 00:55:10,270 - You've got to rescue me! - I think he's telling the truth. 1042 00:55:10,320 --> 00:55:11,790 Is this for real? 1043 00:55:11,840 --> 00:55:14,800 I could get my dad. He's a policeman. 1044 00:55:19,720 --> 00:55:21,030 Sorry, where are you? 1045 00:55:21,080 --> 00:55:23,710 I don't know. I don't know exactly where the house is. 1046 00:55:23,760 --> 00:55:26,550 It's... Er, it's, like, an hour outside of Bristol. 1047 00:55:26,600 --> 00:55:29,310 Hello, this is Liam's dad. Is this some kind of a joke? 1048 00:55:29,360 --> 00:55:30,680 It's not! It's not a joke. 1049 00:55:32,520 --> 00:55:35,710 I'm in a cellar in a house somewhere in south-west England. 1050 00:55:35,760 --> 00:55:39,310 I'm being held against my will and injected. 1051 00:55:39,360 --> 00:55:42,310 - What are you being injected with? - Chemotherapy drugs. 1052 00:55:42,360 --> 00:55:44,990 I've got cancer, they're injecting me with chemotherapy drugs. 1053 00:55:45,040 --> 00:55:46,670 Are you sure you're not in the hospital? 1054 00:55:46,720 --> 00:55:48,600 I'm not in a fucking hospital!