1 00:00:08,400 --> 00:00:13,400 - Synced & corrected by MementMori - ... www.addic7ed.com ... 2 00:00:17,860 --> 00:00:19,530 - Hey, Conan. - Yeah. 3 00:00:19,610 --> 00:00:21,490 It happened a year ago today. 4 00:00:21,590 --> 00:00:23,200 His name was Phil. 5 00:00:23,280 --> 00:00:24,900 Don't ask about Phil. 6 00:00:24,930 --> 00:00:26,430 All right, I won't ask about Phil. 7 00:00:27,990 --> 00:00:29,700 All right, our next guest is celebrating 8 00:00:29,780 --> 00:00:32,950 his 30th anniversary in children's television. 9 00:00:33,030 --> 00:00:34,720 He's the star, the host, the puppet master 10 00:00:34,740 --> 00:00:37,820 behind Mr. Pickles' Puppet Time on PBS. 11 00:00:37,910 --> 00:00:40,400 He raised your son, your daughter, your stepdaughter 12 00:00:40,410 --> 00:00:42,010 from his couch in Columbus, Ohio. 13 00:00:42,070 --> 00:00:45,140 He has a new book out, Talking to Children. 14 00:00:45,160 --> 00:00:46,740 It's doing extremely well. 15 00:00:46,820 --> 00:00:49,700 Please help me welcome Mr. Jeff Pickles. 16 00:01:00,280 --> 00:01:03,150 Mr. Pickles, uh, Danny Trejo. Danny Trejo, Mr. Pickles. 17 00:01:03,160 --> 00:01:04,270 - How are you? - This is a great meeting 18 00:01:04,280 --> 00:01:05,690 of the minds here. 19 00:01:05,700 --> 00:01:07,750 - "P-Hound." - Yeah. Uh-huh. 20 00:01:07,770 --> 00:01:09,740 Hmm. What does the P stand for? 21 00:01:09,820 --> 00:01:13,470 Uh, P like a lady's, uh... 22 00:01:13,490 --> 00:01:15,120 you know, like a part of, 23 00:01:15,200 --> 00:01:17,610 uh, her... it's, uh... 24 00:01:17,700 --> 00:01:19,470 - Is it her purse? - Ah, purse! 25 00:01:19,490 --> 00:01:20,730 - Yeah, it's the purse. - Ah. 26 00:01:20,770 --> 00:01:23,400 Purse. Uh, I just... right away, I have to ask you. 27 00:01:23,410 --> 00:01:25,850 Have you ever watched my show before? 28 00:01:25,890 --> 00:01:27,740 Oh, no. 29 00:01:27,820 --> 00:01:30,750 No, but my wife... she watches the show all the time. 30 00:01:30,770 --> 00:01:33,490 In fact, if you don't mind, 31 00:01:33,570 --> 00:01:35,660 I brought a very special guest... 32 00:01:35,740 --> 00:01:37,570 ... with me. 33 00:01:39,270 --> 00:01:42,990 I brought this little fella to help me 34 00:01:43,050 --> 00:01:46,320 sing a song to my wife 35 00:01:46,410 --> 00:01:47,820 - that... - Aw! 36 00:01:47,910 --> 00:01:49,500 ... is one of her old favorites. 37 00:01:49,530 --> 00:01:51,150 Okay, can you tell us who this guy is? 38 00:01:51,190 --> 00:01:53,810 Come on. Everyone knows Uke-Larry. 39 00:02:02,530 --> 00:02:06,160 # You can feel anything at all # 40 00:02:06,240 --> 00:02:08,200 # Anything at all # 41 00:02:08,280 --> 00:02:11,740 # You can feel it # 42 00:02:12,030 --> 00:02:15,700 # Happy, sad, big, or very small # 43 00:02:15,780 --> 00:02:19,320 # Anything at all, it's fine # 44 00:02:19,410 --> 00:02:22,820 # It's you who's doing the feeling # 45 00:02:22,910 --> 00:02:26,070 # And that makes it okay # 46 00:02:26,160 --> 00:02:30,120 # And if you don't know who you are yet # 47 00:02:30,200 --> 00:02:32,950 # You can feel it # 48 00:02:33,030 --> 00:02:36,820 # Anyway # 49 00:02:36,910 --> 00:02:41,280 E maka'ala no ka ha'ule o ka nui. 50 00:02:41,370 --> 00:02:44,740 That means, "Watch out for falling coconuts." 51 00:03:12,250 --> 00:03:13,460 Could you help me? 52 00:03:13,470 --> 00:03:15,830 My keys are in my back pocket. 53 00:03:18,450 --> 00:03:21,520 # You can feel it anyway # 54 00:03:21,530 --> 00:03:22,660 Whoa. 55 00:03:25,950 --> 00:03:29,660 # You can feel feelings you don't know # 56 00:03:29,740 --> 00:03:34,120 # Feelings gotta grow, like feet # 57 00:03:34,200 --> 00:03:38,120 # So feel it # 58 00:03:38,200 --> 00:03:39,320 # And you can # 59 00:03:39,410 --> 00:03:43,970 # Heal # 60 00:03:44,240 --> 00:03:47,160 # It # 61 00:03:47,240 --> 00:03:52,090 # Isn't growing up funny # 62 00:03:52,130 --> 00:03:56,570 # And sweet? # 63 00:03:56,610 --> 00:03:58,990 - _ - # Isn't growing up # 64 00:03:59,070 --> 00:04:00,990 # Funny # 65 00:04:02,570 --> 00:04:05,450 # And sweet? # 66 00:04:28,700 --> 00:04:30,660 - You've reached Jeff. - Jill. 67 00:04:30,740 --> 00:04:32,950 - Will. - And Phil. 68 00:04:33,030 --> 00:04:34,990 We're the Pickles! 69 00:04:35,070 --> 00:04:36,770 Leave a message, Pickle pals. 70 00:04:36,780 --> 00:04:38,530 Dad. 71 00:05:10,490 --> 00:05:11,950 Knock, knock. 72 00:05:14,130 --> 00:05:16,610 Mom, I'm trying to sleep. 73 00:05:16,620 --> 00:05:18,860 Uh-huh. How was dinner tonight? 74 00:05:18,950 --> 00:05:22,490 Delicious, nutritious... and amazing. 75 00:05:22,570 --> 00:05:26,470 Did you throw your veggies into the recycling bin? 76 00:05:26,790 --> 00:05:30,920 Your daddy dug a lovin' spoonful of time out of his day 77 00:05:30,930 --> 00:05:32,930 to cook you a healthy meal. 78 00:05:32,970 --> 00:05:35,490 Then you dump it and you lie about it? 79 00:05:35,570 --> 00:05:37,600 You need to eat your greens. He ate his. 80 00:05:37,630 --> 00:05:39,830 Don't you want to be big and strong like your daddy? 81 00:05:39,860 --> 00:05:40,950 Mm. 82 00:05:43,450 --> 00:05:45,820 I don't know, Maddy. Is that what you want? 83 00:05:46,780 --> 00:05:48,410 Okay, no bath time. 84 00:05:48,490 --> 00:05:50,770 - And no showers. - What? 85 00:05:50,890 --> 00:05:53,410 Till you eat your vegetables, no more washing up. 86 00:05:53,490 --> 00:05:55,910 Fine. I hate baths. And showers. 87 00:05:55,970 --> 00:05:58,370 Okay. Good night, sweetie. 88 00:06:03,240 --> 00:06:05,070 I want to do a show about death. 89 00:06:05,780 --> 00:06:07,270 Something special. 90 00:06:07,310 --> 00:06:09,230 I don't think we want to do a show 91 00:06:09,250 --> 00:06:12,910 - about passing on. - No, not passing on. Death. 92 00:06:12,990 --> 00:06:14,850 I don't want to say my son is off cloud surfing 93 00:06:14,910 --> 00:06:17,690 or Hula-hooping with a halo. 94 00:06:18,370 --> 00:06:19,780 I want to say death. 95 00:06:19,800 --> 00:06:21,840 Well, it's brave of you, but I don't think 96 00:06:21,850 --> 00:06:23,320 you're ready to talk about this. 97 00:06:23,330 --> 00:06:25,860 I don't think I'm not ready like you think I'm not ready. 98 00:06:25,950 --> 00:06:27,450 I think we need to heal. 99 00:06:27,530 --> 00:06:29,320 Who's "we"? 100 00:06:29,410 --> 00:06:31,550 - What's that? - That is Roly Polly, 101 00:06:31,630 --> 00:06:33,470 the f-fearful pill bug. 102 00:06:33,550 --> 00:06:35,860 Looks like a baking accident. 103 00:06:35,950 --> 00:06:37,990 I think you're really on to something. 104 00:06:38,950 --> 00:06:40,570 You know... 105 00:06:40,790 --> 00:06:42,460 the longer we wait to deal with this 106 00:06:42,490 --> 00:06:44,700 in our special way, the more we're telling 107 00:06:44,780 --> 00:06:45,900 every child in America 108 00:06:45,910 --> 00:06:48,480 that when something catastrophic happens to them, 109 00:06:48,570 --> 00:06:50,700 they should just pretend it didn't. 110 00:06:51,990 --> 00:06:54,160 Why does Snagglehorse smell like buggery? 111 00:06:54,700 --> 00:06:56,730 Anybody have an idea? Bert? Clay? 112 00:06:56,740 --> 00:06:58,370 It's not sex. It's sweat. 113 00:06:58,450 --> 00:06:59,970 We live in these six hours a day. 114 00:06:59,990 --> 00:07:01,780 It's not a costume; it's a locker room 115 00:07:01,860 --> 00:07:03,610 - shaped like a horse. - Yeah. 116 00:07:05,160 --> 00:07:08,910 My family is shriveling up like a Polaroid in a puddle. 117 00:07:09,240 --> 00:07:10,836 I need to pull it out before it falls apart. 118 00:07:10,860 --> 00:07:13,030 We need to talk about greeting cards. 119 00:07:14,280 --> 00:07:15,730 That's important too, I guess. 120 00:07:15,740 --> 00:07:17,530 Hallmark would like us to help associate 121 00:07:17,610 --> 00:07:19,120 Father's Day with the color purple. 122 00:07:19,200 --> 00:07:21,940 Halloween has orange. Hanukkah has blue. 123 00:07:21,950 --> 00:07:22,950 Have you got any thoughts? 124 00:07:22,951 --> 00:07:24,730 I was thinking royal purple. 125 00:07:24,740 --> 00:07:27,070 - Like purple neckties. - Coming through. 126 00:07:33,700 --> 00:07:35,290 A little help! 127 00:07:37,410 --> 00:07:39,570 Do we need another show about colors? 128 00:07:40,780 --> 00:07:42,470 Kids know the sky is blue. 129 00:07:43,320 --> 00:07:45,820 They need to know what to do when it's falling. 130 00:07:45,910 --> 00:07:47,910 I'm in the perfect position 131 00:07:47,990 --> 00:07:50,660 to talk to them about the worst fear they have. 132 00:07:50,740 --> 00:07:53,530 That Mommy and Daddy and everyone they love 133 00:07:53,610 --> 00:07:55,120 has an expiration date. 134 00:07:55,200 --> 00:07:57,570 Well, they'll never drink milk again. 135 00:07:57,660 --> 00:07:59,830 When kids don't talk about their dark feelings, 136 00:07:59,850 --> 00:08:01,780 they get quiet. 137 00:08:01,860 --> 00:08:03,860 It's the quiet ones that make the news. 138 00:08:03,950 --> 00:08:04,990 Oh. 139 00:08:05,070 --> 00:08:07,200 Derrell, I got this for you. 140 00:08:07,280 --> 00:08:08,280 Mm. 141 00:08:09,200 --> 00:08:10,530 "To Derrell. 142 00:08:10,610 --> 00:08:12,490 Be nice to sluts. 143 00:08:12,570 --> 00:08:14,320 Danny Trejo." 144 00:08:14,410 --> 00:08:16,120 Thanks, Mr. P. 145 00:08:18,670 --> 00:08:21,050 I always feel like I'm hitting you when I do that. 146 00:08:21,110 --> 00:08:22,530 You're not. 147 00:08:25,950 --> 00:08:27,820 I know you're probably right. 148 00:08:27,910 --> 00:08:29,850 It just feels like 149 00:08:29,930 --> 00:08:32,030 we were all in that car together. 150 00:08:32,120 --> 00:08:35,440 You and me and all of our friends. 151 00:08:35,450 --> 00:08:37,450 Don't say friends when you mean viewers. 152 00:08:37,470 --> 00:08:38,770 They've been pretty kind to us. 153 00:08:38,820 --> 00:08:40,750 When people are kind to me, 154 00:08:41,120 --> 00:08:42,820 I like to think of them as friends. 155 00:08:43,910 --> 00:08:45,660 You need to understand something. 156 00:08:45,740 --> 00:08:47,490 There's two of you. 157 00:08:47,570 --> 00:08:48,970 There's Mr. Pickles, 158 00:08:48,990 --> 00:08:52,070 the $112-million licensing industry 159 00:08:52,160 --> 00:08:55,410 of edutaining toys, DVDs, and books 160 00:08:55,490 --> 00:08:58,990 that keep the lights on in this little charity of ours. 161 00:08:59,780 --> 00:09:02,120 And then there's Jeff, 162 00:09:02,200 --> 00:09:05,370 a separated husband and grieving father 163 00:09:05,450 --> 00:09:08,990 who needs to hammer out a few dents in his psyche. 164 00:09:09,010 --> 00:09:11,030 And trust me, never the two 165 00:09:11,040 --> 00:09:12,540 should meet in order to prevent 166 00:09:12,550 --> 00:09:14,530 the destruction of them both. 167 00:09:15,410 --> 00:09:16,990 I want you to heal. 168 00:09:17,990 --> 00:09:19,990 But Jeff needs to heal. 169 00:09:21,130 --> 00:09:23,200 Mr. Pickles is fine. 170 00:09:31,740 --> 00:09:33,320 Hello, Piglet. 171 00:09:33,410 --> 00:09:35,030 Hello. 172 00:09:35,120 --> 00:09:38,200 Wiggle it and jiggle it, funny little Piglet. 173 00:09:55,950 --> 00:09:57,070 Ooh. 174 00:09:57,160 --> 00:09:59,160 These are gonna go bad. 175 00:10:08,400 --> 00:10:10,940 _ 176 00:10:14,820 --> 00:10:16,370 What are you doing here? 177 00:10:16,950 --> 00:10:19,470 Phil's old team made the Columbo Classic. 178 00:10:19,740 --> 00:10:21,440 Sometimes I sit in the stands, 179 00:10:21,450 --> 00:10:22,750 blow some wind in their sails. 180 00:10:22,770 --> 00:10:24,370 Dig, dig, dig, dig, dig! 181 00:10:24,450 --> 00:10:25,840 - You're out! - Safe! 182 00:10:25,850 --> 00:10:28,570 Wanna join and get some hotcakes? 183 00:10:28,660 --> 00:10:29,910 That sounds sad. 184 00:10:29,990 --> 00:10:31,320 Does it? 185 00:10:32,410 --> 00:10:34,430 Besides, I have my wine club at six, 186 00:10:34,450 --> 00:10:36,240 and it's more fun on an empty stomach. 187 00:10:38,910 --> 00:10:40,700 - Did Will do that? - When I told him 188 00:10:40,780 --> 00:10:42,450 to stop stealing my debit card. 189 00:10:42,530 --> 00:10:44,950 Maybe he needs someone to hold his shoulders. 190 00:10:45,030 --> 00:10:46,410 Maybe he's saying, "Help me." 191 00:10:46,490 --> 00:10:48,260 I think he wrote "cunt" and then he added 192 00:10:48,280 --> 00:10:51,200 the word "buffalo" to quantify its size. 193 00:10:51,280 --> 00:10:54,390 Is that a... tattoo 194 00:10:55,240 --> 00:10:56,910 on your breast? 195 00:10:56,990 --> 00:10:58,020 It's a small one. 196 00:10:58,030 --> 00:10:59,270 Does it hurt? 197 00:10:59,820 --> 00:11:01,296 They're really good at getting those off now. 198 00:11:01,320 --> 00:11:02,730 It's three weeks old. 199 00:11:03,130 --> 00:11:05,280 Drinking wine before dinner. 200 00:11:05,370 --> 00:11:07,410 What's next, Pall Malls? 201 00:11:07,490 --> 00:11:09,530 Batteries dangling from the smoke detector 202 00:11:09,610 --> 00:11:11,400 so you can puff your Pall Malls? 203 00:11:11,430 --> 00:11:13,430 You can't keep pushing it down. 204 00:11:13,450 --> 00:11:15,350 Hmm, maybe I should do something healthy, 205 00:11:15,370 --> 00:11:18,210 like get a tattoo or... 206 00:11:18,780 --> 00:11:21,370 pierce my labia. 207 00:11:21,420 --> 00:11:22,420 One of these days, 208 00:11:22,430 --> 00:11:25,090 it's just gonna rush up to the surface. 209 00:11:28,490 --> 00:11:30,090 Would it help if I moved back in? 210 00:11:30,320 --> 00:11:32,530 Would it help with what? 211 00:11:34,310 --> 00:11:36,050 Will? Is that you? 212 00:11:36,130 --> 00:11:38,410 Do you know where my winter clothes are? 213 00:11:38,490 --> 00:11:41,950 For what purpose do you need your winter clothes? 214 00:11:42,030 --> 00:11:43,870 There's a clothing drive at church. 215 00:11:43,890 --> 00:11:46,100 I want to collect the ones that don't fit me as well 216 00:11:46,110 --> 00:11:47,790 and donate them to the indigent. 217 00:11:49,570 --> 00:11:51,320 - That's hopeful. - Yes. 218 00:11:51,410 --> 00:11:53,370 They're in a box in the garage above the bicycles 219 00:11:53,390 --> 00:11:55,070 below the inflatable nativity. 220 00:11:59,530 --> 00:12:03,550 Hey, you didn't suck on Conan last night. 221 00:12:04,570 --> 00:12:06,650 - You were on Conan? - Yeah. 222 00:12:06,690 --> 00:12:08,780 I love Conan. You didn't tell me. 223 00:12:08,860 --> 00:12:09,990 I left you a message. 224 00:12:10,070 --> 00:12:11,910 We don't check those anymore. 225 00:12:15,990 --> 00:12:17,610 Oh, the dog needs to go out. 226 00:12:17,700 --> 00:12:19,410 No, no, you don't have to. I... 227 00:12:19,490 --> 00:12:21,490 - I can do it. - I got it! 228 00:12:22,070 --> 00:12:23,410 Hey! 229 00:12:23,490 --> 00:12:25,530 You miss me? Yeah. 230 00:12:25,610 --> 00:12:26,860 Course you do. 231 00:12:42,370 --> 00:12:43,530 Will? 232 00:12:43,610 --> 00:12:45,660 Yes, Dad? 233 00:12:45,740 --> 00:12:47,650 What do you have in the bag? 234 00:12:48,120 --> 00:12:50,910 Uh... bees. 235 00:12:50,990 --> 00:12:53,230 Were you gonna put bees in your mom's trunk? 236 00:12:53,250 --> 00:12:54,410 Uh... 237 00:12:59,030 --> 00:13:00,820 Do you know what stewardship is, Will? 238 00:13:00,910 --> 00:13:03,230 Do you always have to talk to people 239 00:13:03,250 --> 00:13:05,030 like they're four years old? 240 00:13:05,750 --> 00:13:08,570 It means you take care of things, people. 241 00:13:08,740 --> 00:13:11,530 Not because you should but because you can. 242 00:13:18,490 --> 00:13:19,820 See? 243 00:13:19,910 --> 00:13:22,280 Now Piglet won't stain the lawn. 244 00:13:22,410 --> 00:13:24,610 Good boy, Piglet. 245 00:13:24,700 --> 00:13:26,910 No one even lives here. 246 00:13:27,530 --> 00:13:29,610 You do it because it's right. 247 00:13:29,700 --> 00:13:31,010 Uh-huh. 248 00:13:31,050 --> 00:13:33,390 You want to try it? It'll make you happy. 249 00:13:33,700 --> 00:13:35,370 Hey there, Mr. Pickles. 250 00:13:35,450 --> 00:13:37,740 See? It even has famous neighbors. 251 00:13:37,820 --> 00:13:39,280 Hi, Joanne. 252 00:13:39,370 --> 00:13:41,200 Isn't this a nice neighborhood 253 00:13:41,280 --> 00:13:42,750 to raise a family, Mr. Pickles? 254 00:13:42,780 --> 00:13:45,740 Oh, it's a super-duper neighborhood for that. 255 00:13:46,470 --> 00:13:47,490 Oh! 256 00:13:48,120 --> 00:13:49,490 Thank you. 257 00:13:49,570 --> 00:13:50,910 And what's your name? 258 00:13:50,990 --> 00:13:52,930 Wait, let me guess. 259 00:13:53,200 --> 00:13:55,530 Does it start with "Princess"? 260 00:13:55,610 --> 00:13:56,920 These houses were built 261 00:13:56,930 --> 00:13:58,930 on an old zoo that burned down. 262 00:14:00,370 --> 00:14:03,280 The fire was started by a bunch of the crazy animals 263 00:14:03,290 --> 00:14:04,950 who wanted to escape. 264 00:14:05,030 --> 00:14:07,740 They went wild, committed a bunch of crimes, 265 00:14:07,820 --> 00:14:10,570 murders, robberies. 266 00:14:10,660 --> 00:14:12,660 But the worst crime of all was, 267 00:14:12,740 --> 00:14:14,550 they forgot to unlock the cage, 268 00:14:14,570 --> 00:14:16,620 and at night, you can always 269 00:14:16,630 --> 00:14:18,270 hear the penguins screaming. 270 00:14:18,280 --> 00:14:20,320 Okay, well, thanks, guys. 271 00:14:20,410 --> 00:14:22,360 Hey, why don't we cruise around back? 272 00:14:22,370 --> 00:14:24,990 There's a swing set back there you kids would love. 273 00:14:25,070 --> 00:14:28,490 What about the burnt penguins? 274 00:14:31,030 --> 00:14:32,560 What? 275 00:14:32,570 --> 00:14:33,680 Do you think I should get an apartment 276 00:14:33,690 --> 00:14:34,990 closer to the house? 277 00:14:35,090 --> 00:14:36,170 Mm, no. 278 00:14:36,250 --> 00:14:37,820 Look. 279 00:14:37,910 --> 00:14:39,410 Your mom and I... 280 00:14:41,210 --> 00:14:42,790 She doesn't want me living in the house 281 00:14:42,820 --> 00:14:44,530 while she's processing her emotions, 282 00:14:44,610 --> 00:14:48,120 and, uh... I-I respect that. 283 00:14:48,130 --> 00:14:50,120 She did not leave you because Phil died. 284 00:14:50,200 --> 00:14:51,780 She left you because you're a pussy. 285 00:14:51,860 --> 00:14:52,860 Please don't use a bad word 286 00:14:52,870 --> 00:14:54,050 when you can use a good word. 287 00:14:54,160 --> 00:14:56,160 Fine. You're a vagina. 288 00:14:56,860 --> 00:14:58,660 Ah, the P. 289 00:14:59,190 --> 00:15:02,160 I just got the P in P-Hound. 290 00:15:02,240 --> 00:15:04,530 It means pussy... 291 00:15:04,610 --> 00:15:05,950 pussy. 292 00:15:09,490 --> 00:15:11,160 I think you're... 293 00:15:11,170 --> 00:15:13,170 mistaking kindness for weakness, Will. 294 00:15:13,370 --> 00:15:15,660 I'm gonna go the other way now. 295 00:15:15,740 --> 00:15:17,096 I want you to donate those clothes 296 00:15:17,120 --> 00:15:18,280 like you said you would. 297 00:15:18,370 --> 00:15:19,700 And I want you to come to dinner 298 00:15:19,780 --> 00:15:22,230 with your auntie and your grandpa at my place. 299 00:15:22,530 --> 00:15:24,410 I don't want you to forget you have a family. 300 00:15:24,490 --> 00:15:26,910 Oh, and don't try to teach me things, 301 00:15:26,990 --> 00:15:30,660 and, like, don't ever stare at me like that again. 302 00:15:30,740 --> 00:15:32,200 I'm not that word. 303 00:15:33,910 --> 00:15:35,050 I'm not the P word. 304 00:15:35,070 --> 00:15:36,610 And change your outfit. 305 00:15:36,640 --> 00:15:39,070 You look like Rosa Parks' bus driver. 306 00:15:40,660 --> 00:15:41,930 Okay. 307 00:15:42,490 --> 00:15:44,030 I'll see you at dinner. 308 00:15:44,150 --> 00:15:45,290 Will! 309 00:15:45,780 --> 00:15:48,230 That was an excellent historical reference. 310 00:16:15,740 --> 00:16:16,920 I'd like to point out 311 00:16:16,930 --> 00:16:18,860 to the committee that sometimes... 312 00:16:18,950 --> 00:16:21,090 Mom, Dad's on TV again. 313 00:16:21,150 --> 00:16:23,030 Well, that's sort of his job, Will. 314 00:16:23,120 --> 00:16:25,300 - Idiot. - Shut up, Phil. 315 00:16:25,310 --> 00:16:26,510 Make me. 316 00:16:28,610 --> 00:16:29,860 Stop it, Phil! 317 00:16:29,950 --> 00:16:31,370 Stop it! 318 00:16:31,470 --> 00:16:33,240 # Jesus Christ # 319 00:16:33,320 --> 00:16:35,740 # Jesus Christ # 320 00:16:35,770 --> 00:16:39,370 # Who are you? What have you sacrificed? # 321 00:16:39,450 --> 00:16:40,590 # Jesus Christ... # 322 00:16:40,630 --> 00:16:43,210 Stop it. I'm trying to watch Dad on the news. 323 00:16:43,230 --> 00:16:46,370 Well, your father is an impressive man. 324 00:16:46,450 --> 00:16:47,740 She means boring. 325 00:16:47,820 --> 00:16:49,610 # Jesus Christ # 326 00:16:49,700 --> 00:16:50,950 - # Superstar # - Hey, quit it. 327 00:16:51,010 --> 00:16:52,770 Phil, whatever you're doing, stop it, please. 328 00:17:05,200 --> 00:17:07,320 Go, asshole! 329 00:17:10,370 --> 00:17:11,710 Hey. 330 00:17:11,790 --> 00:17:13,280 You're on my brother's grave. 331 00:17:13,370 --> 00:17:14,910 Oh. Yikes. 332 00:17:16,210 --> 00:17:18,280 Can you smoke somewhere else? 333 00:17:20,160 --> 00:17:21,910 I guess, but... 334 00:17:21,990 --> 00:17:24,370 I've been geeking out here since I was 12, man. 335 00:17:24,450 --> 00:17:27,120 This is especially hallowed ground. 336 00:17:27,200 --> 00:17:28,910 Can you move away from that headstone? 337 00:17:28,990 --> 00:17:30,950 I can't really move anywhere right now. 338 00:17:31,570 --> 00:17:32,990 What are you gonna do with that? 339 00:17:33,070 --> 00:17:34,860 Bring him back to life? 340 00:17:34,950 --> 00:17:38,120 It was his. He wanted to be a magician. 341 00:17:38,200 --> 00:17:40,410 - We both did. - Why? 342 00:17:40,490 --> 00:17:42,650 There's a lot of cool things you can do 343 00:17:42,670 --> 00:17:44,090 when you have an identical twin. 344 00:17:44,130 --> 00:17:45,970 It's pretty neat, actually. 345 00:17:46,120 --> 00:17:47,990 Can I see that? 346 00:17:59,910 --> 00:18:01,370 Psh! 347 00:18:01,450 --> 00:18:04,030 - Psh! - What are you doing? 348 00:18:04,050 --> 00:18:06,030 Trying to make the lamps explode, but... 349 00:18:06,530 --> 00:18:09,410 - I think it's broken. - Okay, get the fuck off now. 350 00:18:09,430 --> 00:18:12,950 Dude, chill. Can't we all just get along? 351 00:18:13,030 --> 00:18:14,590 For the sake of, like, 352 00:18:14,690 --> 00:18:16,740 the world and its greater evils? 353 00:18:46,320 --> 00:18:48,430 Well, hello there, Soap Scum. 354 00:18:48,550 --> 00:18:50,410 Oh, be careful. 355 00:18:50,490 --> 00:18:52,380 I don't want you to stain my 356 00:18:52,390 --> 00:18:54,270 sweet new purple threads. 357 00:18:54,280 --> 00:18:57,240 Purple's a girl's color, Mr. Pickles. 358 00:18:57,320 --> 00:18:58,570 Soap Scum. 359 00:18:58,650 --> 00:18:59,950 Purple is the... 360 00:19:01,850 --> 00:19:03,240 ... color of kings. 361 00:19:03,320 --> 00:19:06,370 But you're not a king, Mr. Pickles. 362 00:19:06,400 --> 00:19:08,410 No, but I'm a daddy, 363 00:19:08,490 --> 00:19:11,410 and a daddy is like the king of the household. 364 00:19:11,510 --> 00:19:13,280 And mommy is like the queen. 365 00:19:13,370 --> 00:19:14,690 Boop. 366 00:19:18,450 --> 00:19:20,700 What? I had a soccer game. 367 00:19:23,700 --> 00:19:25,070 What's going on with Maddy? 368 00:19:25,160 --> 00:19:26,650 Oh, she wouldn't eat her broccoli, 369 00:19:26,670 --> 00:19:28,370 so I gave her BO. 370 00:19:28,450 --> 00:19:31,240 Early puberty's kicking her A. 371 00:19:31,320 --> 00:19:33,030 How did you give her body odor? 372 00:19:33,120 --> 00:19:36,070 By starving her of basic hygiene. 373 00:19:37,610 --> 00:19:39,160 Did you read that in a book somewhere? 374 00:19:39,170 --> 00:19:41,370 - Absolutely not. - Oh. 375 00:19:41,450 --> 00:19:43,200 Will is turning into Phil. 376 00:19:43,280 --> 00:19:45,670 Fucking kids. Sorry. Friggin'. 377 00:19:47,610 --> 00:19:48,910 You think I'm a pussy? 378 00:19:48,990 --> 00:19:50,410 Hmm? 379 00:19:54,550 --> 00:19:57,000 Snagglehorse smells like he's been ridden hard 380 00:19:57,050 --> 00:19:59,120 - and put away wet. - We're not having sex 381 00:19:59,150 --> 00:20:00,700 - in the horse. - We've only been in it 382 00:20:00,720 --> 00:20:01,950 for five minutes. 383 00:20:02,030 --> 00:20:03,450 That's my daughter. 384 00:20:03,530 --> 00:20:04,610 You're smelling her. 385 00:20:04,620 --> 00:20:06,710 I'm not going to ask. 386 00:20:06,990 --> 00:20:08,410 I hate you. 387 00:20:09,930 --> 00:20:12,660 I need to show my family I'm feeling what they're feeling. 388 00:20:12,740 --> 00:20:14,590 An acknowledgement. 389 00:20:14,670 --> 00:20:17,030 We're swimming with stones in our pockets. 390 00:20:17,050 --> 00:20:18,590 We need to take them out, or we'll never get back 391 00:20:18,610 --> 00:20:20,190 to the surface again. 392 00:20:21,610 --> 00:20:22,870 Is this all about Jill? 393 00:20:22,900 --> 00:20:25,120 She tattooed Phil's name on her left breast. 394 00:20:25,200 --> 00:20:27,860 Every woman deserves to feel sexy. 395 00:20:28,750 --> 00:20:31,110 Two months after the accident, 396 00:20:31,210 --> 00:20:32,860 I left a conversation 397 00:20:32,950 --> 00:20:34,440 about whether or not we should 398 00:20:34,450 --> 00:20:36,440 even celebrate Christmas 399 00:20:36,450 --> 00:20:39,370 to go on TV, light the national tree, 400 00:20:39,450 --> 00:20:41,810 and wish America yule tidings. 401 00:20:42,490 --> 00:20:45,320 - How does that make her feel? - Like you're a man. 402 00:20:45,410 --> 00:20:47,140 And if she's holding that over your head, 403 00:20:47,150 --> 00:20:49,150 it's her problem. 404 00:20:49,450 --> 00:20:52,700 Real women don't want to see your cry face. 405 00:20:52,780 --> 00:20:55,670 They want concrete arms and a warm touch 406 00:20:56,160 --> 00:20:57,670 when apropos. 407 00:20:58,070 --> 00:20:59,820 You do a show about death, 408 00:20:59,850 --> 00:21:02,240 children will run from the room in tears. 409 00:21:04,570 --> 00:21:06,130 Bring in a live audience. 410 00:21:06,570 --> 00:21:07,990 Do it now. 411 00:21:08,010 --> 00:21:10,910 It's a bad idea. You'll traumatize the kids. 412 00:21:13,610 --> 00:21:15,290 Are you gonna hit me? 413 00:21:15,610 --> 00:21:16,740 Hit you? 414 00:21:18,010 --> 00:21:19,410 No. 415 00:21:20,240 --> 00:21:21,810 Why would I want to hit you? 416 00:21:22,160 --> 00:21:23,780 Jeff... 417 00:21:23,860 --> 00:21:26,060 sometimes when we think we're opening up, 418 00:21:26,070 --> 00:21:27,510 we're actually falling apart. 419 00:21:27,700 --> 00:21:29,530 Will you please marinate on that? 420 00:21:32,160 --> 00:21:36,290 That truck blew through the light for a reason. 421 00:21:36,450 --> 00:21:38,820 For some greater good. 422 00:21:40,660 --> 00:21:43,430 And if that isn't true, then we can make it so. 423 00:21:43,910 --> 00:21:45,370 We can make it mean something. 424 00:21:45,450 --> 00:21:47,070 And what good is our power 425 00:21:47,160 --> 00:21:50,450 in the face of a senseless, random happening? 426 00:21:50,470 --> 00:21:53,130 If we shoot it today, we can air it tomorrow. 427 00:21:56,280 --> 00:21:57,770 All right. 428 00:21:58,200 --> 00:21:59,950 We'll air it tomorrow. 429 00:22:03,180 --> 00:22:04,780 - _ - Have you ever had to move? 430 00:22:04,860 --> 00:22:07,490 That can be a difficult time, can't it? 431 00:22:07,570 --> 00:22:09,120 It's hard when things change. 432 00:22:10,650 --> 00:22:13,710 Leaving behind your old room, your old friends 433 00:22:13,750 --> 00:22:15,340 for a whole new school 434 00:22:15,350 --> 00:22:17,490 or even a whole new town. 435 00:22:17,890 --> 00:22:19,440 Sometimes when you move, 436 00:22:19,450 --> 00:22:21,230 you might pack a donate box, 437 00:22:21,240 --> 00:22:24,030 and you put all your toys that you don't use anymore 438 00:22:24,120 --> 00:22:26,480 right in there and give them to children 439 00:22:26,490 --> 00:22:28,660 who will really use them. 440 00:22:28,740 --> 00:22:31,370 But what if, when you get to your new home... 441 00:22:33,200 --> 00:22:35,320 ... you discover that your favorite stuffed animal 442 00:22:35,330 --> 00:22:36,870 is missing? 443 00:22:36,890 --> 00:22:40,160 Someone put your stuffy in the box by accident. 444 00:22:42,490 --> 00:22:44,150 How would you feel? 445 00:22:44,610 --> 00:22:48,170 Would you feel sad that you never got to say good-bye? 446 00:22:48,570 --> 00:22:50,670 Or would you feel okay 447 00:22:50,710 --> 00:22:52,550 because you know he's in a new home, 448 00:22:52,990 --> 00:22:54,450 a faraway home, 449 00:22:54,530 --> 00:22:57,270 laughing and playing 450 00:22:57,570 --> 00:23:00,130 and making other children happy? 451 00:23:02,350 --> 00:23:05,190 I had a son named Phil. 452 00:23:06,120 --> 00:23:08,610 He was once your age. 453 00:23:10,120 --> 00:23:11,810 He died. 454 00:23:12,030 --> 00:23:13,860 So... 455 00:23:13,950 --> 00:23:16,120 we put him in a box, 456 00:23:16,200 --> 00:23:17,890 and we buried him. 457 00:23:25,730 --> 00:23:27,930 # What does it mean to lose a thing # 458 00:23:27,950 --> 00:23:29,910 # You really want to stay? # 459 00:23:29,990 --> 00:23:31,640 - # Ooh # - # What if they sent # 460 00:23:31,650 --> 00:23:35,240 # Your favorite socks a million blocks away? # 461 00:23:35,320 --> 00:23:39,110 # If you knew they were warming someone else's feet # 462 00:23:39,860 --> 00:23:41,370 - # Hooray # - # Hooray # 463 00:23:41,450 --> 00:23:42,610 # Hooray # 464 00:23:42,700 --> 00:23:45,280 # Nothing you really love # 465 00:23:45,290 --> 00:23:47,240 # Can ever # 466 00:23:47,250 --> 00:23:51,610 # Go away # 467 00:23:51,700 --> 00:23:53,950 - There you go, Nate! - Come on! Come on! 468 00:23:54,370 --> 00:23:55,510 Great job, buddy! 469 00:23:55,740 --> 00:23:57,410 Little pin, little pin. 470 00:24:01,860 --> 00:24:04,320 You wear the world's tiniest socks. 471 00:24:06,200 --> 00:24:08,070 I'm serious. 472 00:24:08,160 --> 00:24:11,070 One day, the cat's gonna choke on those. 473 00:24:11,130 --> 00:24:13,120 We need to get you some new feet. 474 00:24:15,030 --> 00:24:17,360 Oh, no. Leave it, Dee Dee. 475 00:24:17,370 --> 00:24:18,530 No. No, no, no. 476 00:24:18,930 --> 00:24:20,490 No, she has to learn. 477 00:24:25,410 --> 00:24:28,610 Aha, I told you. No veggies, no bath time. 478 00:24:33,030 --> 00:24:35,570 Open up. Two bites. Num-num. 479 00:24:35,590 --> 00:24:37,150 No, Mom, no. 480 00:24:37,210 --> 00:24:39,160 Maddy, open up before I shove it in there. 481 00:24:39,240 --> 00:24:41,510 Open up. Open up. 482 00:24:41,990 --> 00:24:43,910 Here comes the carrot train. 483 00:24:44,660 --> 00:24:46,120 Bus. 484 00:24:46,200 --> 00:24:47,910 Choo-choo. 485 00:24:47,990 --> 00:24:49,470 Honk, honk. 486 00:24:50,370 --> 00:24:51,770 Mm-mm. 487 00:24:52,200 --> 00:24:53,950 - Why not? - It's dirty. 488 00:24:53,960 --> 00:24:56,210 - It fell on the floor. - No, it didn't. 489 00:24:56,310 --> 00:24:57,450 When? 490 00:24:58,190 --> 00:25:00,650 - Here you go. Grab the bottom. - Thanks, Daddy. 491 00:25:00,690 --> 00:25:02,690 - You're welcome. - Hey. 492 00:25:03,410 --> 00:25:04,860 I saw you guys drive up. 493 00:25:04,950 --> 00:25:06,136 You think Deirdre would want some? 494 00:25:06,160 --> 00:25:07,780 I had an uber-bloom. 495 00:25:09,280 --> 00:25:10,890 I'll be right there, crazy face. 496 00:25:10,930 --> 00:25:12,910 - Okay. - Oh, Maddy. 497 00:25:12,990 --> 00:25:15,030 Don't step on a crack. You'll break someone's back. 498 00:25:15,490 --> 00:25:16,780 Or something. 499 00:25:17,740 --> 00:25:18,990 Mm, okay. 500 00:25:20,910 --> 00:25:23,200 What are you doing? 501 00:25:23,280 --> 00:25:25,280 Oh, my God, they smell great. 502 00:25:31,160 --> 00:25:33,510 Oh, my God. 503 00:25:47,490 --> 00:25:49,130 Oh, okay. 504 00:25:49,770 --> 00:25:51,160 Okay. 505 00:25:52,160 --> 00:25:54,160 Don't forget to wash your hair. 506 00:26:16,610 --> 00:26:18,830 See? Was that so hard? 507 00:26:28,450 --> 00:26:29,770 Dad? 508 00:26:30,370 --> 00:26:31,770 Can you say grace? 509 00:26:36,890 --> 00:26:40,410 Hold hands. Once as a family. 510 00:26:40,490 --> 00:26:42,270 Grace. 511 00:26:42,670 --> 00:26:45,200 Did you pre-butter this broccoli? 512 00:26:45,210 --> 00:26:47,610 Why do you get to decide how much butter I want? 513 00:26:48,320 --> 00:26:50,950 Good girl. Eat your broccoli, Maddy. 514 00:26:51,030 --> 00:26:52,820 How'd you do that, sis? 515 00:26:52,910 --> 00:26:54,670 - What? - Get her to listen. 516 00:26:55,290 --> 00:26:57,780 Everything I say to Will becomes, like, 517 00:26:57,860 --> 00:26:59,370 ammunition for a sigh. 518 00:26:59,450 --> 00:27:01,370 Maddy, slow down. Digest. 519 00:27:01,390 --> 00:27:02,810 It's easy. 520 00:27:02,890 --> 00:27:05,130 I just think of everything we do on the show, 521 00:27:05,160 --> 00:27:07,290 and I come home 522 00:27:07,310 --> 00:27:09,530 and I do the exact opposite. 523 00:27:10,450 --> 00:27:12,240 Whatever works, I guess. 524 00:27:12,320 --> 00:27:13,850 Where's William? 525 00:27:14,030 --> 00:27:15,910 You promised me a William. 526 00:27:38,660 --> 00:27:40,950 Happy anniversary. 527 00:27:56,530 --> 00:28:00,570 Well, at last, we've reached our destination. 528 00:28:00,660 --> 00:28:03,270 Snagglehorse and I like to take long trots 529 00:28:03,290 --> 00:28:04,990 through Confetti Canyon. 530 00:28:05,070 --> 00:28:06,660 Why don't you come too, Pickle pals? 531 00:28:06,740 --> 00:28:08,320 And while we're walking, 532 00:28:08,410 --> 00:28:10,570 let's see if we can remember our colors. 533 00:28:11,740 --> 00:28:13,250 Red. 534 00:28:15,830 --> 00:28:19,490 Red is for the roses we give to those we love. 535 00:28:19,570 --> 00:28:21,130 Purple. 536 00:28:21,390 --> 00:28:25,160 Purple is for the tie your father wears to work. 537 00:28:25,240 --> 00:28:26,690 Brown. 538 00:28:26,870 --> 00:28:30,070 Brown is for the hair on Snagglehorse's hide. 539 00:28:30,160 --> 00:28:32,050 Fuck me like you hate me. 540 00:28:34,320 --> 00:28:36,100 Yellow is for the bumblebee 541 00:28:36,110 --> 00:28:37,910 going buzz, buzz, buzz. 542 00:28:37,990 --> 00:28:40,300 Oh, fuck. 543 00:28:40,330 --> 00:28:42,370 This dude Eric got stung once on his nut, 544 00:28:42,450 --> 00:28:43,920 and it swelled up, and we had to put 545 00:28:43,930 --> 00:28:45,080 a special sock around it. 546 00:28:46,990 --> 00:28:49,660 Oh, my God! Will, come on! 547 00:28:51,030 --> 00:28:52,770 And green? 548 00:28:54,530 --> 00:28:56,200 That's an easy one. 549 00:28:56,280 --> 00:28:59,200 Green means "go, go, go." 550 00:29:00,990 --> 00:29:03,370 Of course we couldn't air it, Jeff. 551 00:29:03,450 --> 00:29:06,190 The show can't change. You can't change. 552 00:29:06,530 --> 00:29:07,960 That's why you're still around. 553 00:29:07,990 --> 00:29:10,190 That's why people still leave you alone 554 00:29:10,210 --> 00:29:11,700 with their kids. 555 00:29:11,780 --> 00:29:13,690 The tie, the shirt, the haircut. 556 00:29:13,950 --> 00:29:15,550 You're a minted image. 557 00:29:15,590 --> 00:29:17,850 You're a trusted brand. 558 00:29:18,370 --> 00:29:20,950 You don't put the pope in a Speedo, 559 00:29:21,030 --> 00:29:24,130 and you don't take the cream out of the Oreo. 560 00:29:24,410 --> 00:29:26,790 You change one little thing, and you're going to force 561 00:29:26,820 --> 00:29:28,490 a conversation with the audience 562 00:29:28,570 --> 00:29:30,280 they don't want to have. 563 00:29:30,370 --> 00:29:31,966 This isn't an episode 564 00:29:31,990 --> 00:29:33,990 about burying a hamster. 565 00:29:34,070 --> 00:29:36,490 This thing happened to you, not to them. 566 00:29:36,570 --> 00:29:38,490 We're in a fickle business 567 00:29:38,500 --> 00:29:41,240 ruled by an unwritten contract with the audience. 568 00:29:41,320 --> 00:29:42,990 You are not a real person. 569 00:29:43,070 --> 00:29:45,070 You're a man in a box. 570 00:29:45,160 --> 00:29:47,990 You're a block of wood, and you like it that way. 571 00:29:52,610 --> 00:29:54,280 Oops. 572 00:29:54,370 --> 00:29:56,160 Otherwise, you're the about-to-be 573 00:29:56,240 --> 00:29:58,570 divorced father of a broken family, 574 00:29:58,610 --> 00:30:00,740 and nobody wants that guy in their living room. 575 00:30:00,820 --> 00:30:02,450 Would you? 576 00:30:02,530 --> 00:30:04,700 You already know the schools are excellent. 577 00:30:16,990 --> 00:30:19,000 Oh! Ah! 578 00:30:19,010 --> 00:30:21,330 - Oh, my God, they're everywhere. - Get the stupid bees off! 579 00:30:21,350 --> 00:30:22,740 I hate bees! 580 00:30:31,700 --> 00:30:33,450 So what do you think? 581 00:30:35,190 --> 00:30:36,550 It's perfect. 582 00:30:36,670 --> 00:30:38,270 I'll take it. 583 00:30:38,430 --> 00:30:40,390 I'll go get the paperwork started. 584 00:30:59,050 --> 00:31:04,050 - Synced & corrected by MementMori - ... www.addic7ed.com ...