I've had a call from the hospital. It's about your mother.
- Oh. - She's had a fall.
- Oh. - Off the wagon.
Do you not know why I'm calling you?
Do you not know what danger you're in, mate?
There's absolutely no question, you're getting your money.
Promo, let's do a promo.
You come into the website, immediately...
Richard Pitt Therapy.
- Have you ever had therapy? - No.
- Do you want some? - We'll do one day.
- OK. - And then if not,
I'll come round and stick knitting needles in your eyes.
OK, erm, I'm nervous,
- but I think you are going to like this. - OK.
Put a lot of work into it.
Erm, sit back, relax, enjoy.
_
- Pete... - Yeah?
- I have to be honest. - Please do.
That is unbelievably shit.
Pete, that is so wide of the mark,
I don't even know where to begin.
Some of these people are in a really difficult place and that
would push them over the edge.
Can you do it again,
but different and better?
- Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -
Honestly, I am rushed off my feet here.
Yeah, you need to remember Ricky's birthday, darling.
Oh, yeah, you're going to be 15 soon, Ricky.
- 16! 16... - 16!
- Ask him what he wants to do. - What do you want to do?
Festival tickets. Festival...
- Great idea, you sort that out, OK? - What we actually need is food.
That's the only thing that matters. I feel like I can't even cope.
- Of course, why hasn't he done a shop? - He doesn't care, that's what it is.
- Hey, this isn't a food bank, OK? - Richard...
Why don't you eat at Zara's? You two are here all the time!
I mean, how is that even relevant?
- Pete is here the whole time. - Yeah, I'm not shagging Pete, am I?
- Oh... - I don't even know what he means by that.
- It's just so offensive. - Oh, Issy, darling.
- I just can't... Can you just call me, please? - Yes, of course.
- God, the drama. - Listen, she's probably hungry.
- You've got to feed the children, Richard. OK? - I will.
- I really need some food. - OK, all right.
- I'm so hungry. - Hello, Liam.
He's so weird.
- He's a darling, leave him alone. - While she's on, festival tickets?
- Festival tickets, are we OK with that? - Yes, you sort that out.
- All right. I'll speak to you later. - OK, talk to you later.
OK. Bye, darling, bye.
- Love you, bye. - Mum, Mum, Mum...
Hi, Sis.
You are harder to get hold of than Tracey Emin's dentist.
- What are you doing now? - I'm just writing, I'm trying to write.
What're you trying to write, what are you writing?
It's my novel. You know I'm writing a novel.
- You've probably forgotten, you don't really care. - Yeah, OK,
I'm the bearer of bad news.
Mum has had a catastrophic relapse and is in hospital.
- I'm sorry to have to tell you that. - Yeah, and, and, what?
And she is going to be discharged shortly
and she is going to have to come and live with...
I mean, one of us, but you,
I thought you, I thought you would be the one.
Sorry, I'm not quite sure how you got to that.
- You've got space, I don't. - I haven't got space, Richard.
You know I've only got a two bedroom house and Chrissie lives
in the other room. We don't have space.
- Could Chrissie not stay in a different room? - No.
That's the room she rents, she lives in the room,
- like, why would she stay in a different room? - Yeah, why would she?
I don't know what you're getting at, Richard.
- Don't you? - I don't have the space.
You live in the kind of UN building.
Yeah, we do live... We've got 42 refugees staying.
Have you seen how many children are in this house the whole time?
- I thought you wanted to adopt. - No. Not a 70-year-old woman.
OK. As far as I can see it's really quite straightforward.
She wants to kill herself. I'm happy to drive her to Switzerland,
and we can get it done professionally.
Yeah, can I just stop you there because your compassion
is just overwhelming me.
Richard, you're the one who's kind of getting all involved in it.
- You're the one who, like, cares. - I'm asking one thing.
Please be on a conference call with our brother.
Sorry, why are you getting John on the phone?
What's he got to do with anything?
- Isn't he just shooting people in Iraq or something? - Say no more.
Say no more. I'll see you at three.
- I'm not going to be there at three. - I'll see you at three, OK?
- I'm not going to be there. - At three.
Hello?
Hello, Martin, I'm Richard.
- Hello? - Mmm.
Hello?
Can... you... hear... me?
- I'm not deaf. - Oh, right, sorry.
I just noticed the hearing aid.
- They're not working ones. - OK.
It stops people talking to you.
Because they think you're deaf?
Pardon?
Because they think you're deaf?
I can't hear you, I'm going to take this out.
Oh, right.
What?
You don't want to talk to people in the restaurant?
People don't have to talk to me, I don't like it when they talk to me.
It's unnecessary. I don't require it.
I assume this, therapy, must be a little problematic for you?
I'm not at my most comfortable, no.
And what was it that took you out of your comfort zone today?
They have problems upstairs with staffing.
- Yeah... - So I'm having to move upstairs
to greet the patrons at the door.
Or I will lose my job.
And you are understandably very anxious
- about that? - I have a system...
- Mmm. Mmm. - ... in the cloakroom.
- And it works. - Mm-hmm.
People come and go with as little fuss as possible,
- and that works. - Yeah.
If they come and they want a chat, and they want to be friendly,
I shut them down.
Yeah.
So, what I'd like to offer you today is maybe a coping mechanism
for your stint as maître d' later on.
Well, I need something, otherwise I'm going to lose this job.
I would suggest a form of what I would call quiet disguise.
Just for today maybe wear a cravat, or a big flower,
or a pair of glasses,
or another pair of glasses.
- Like a fancy dress? - Yes.
Like Michael Jackson had a sequinned glove, or a monkey,
- or a thing on his face. - Could I be Spider-Man?
Well... Would the restaurant go for that?
They might notice.
Let's say that Spider-Man is undercover.
- Go as undercover Spider-Man? - Yeah.
Th-uuuuuuu.
Exactly.
Th-uuuuuuu. Sit there.
- Yeah. - Sit there.
- Yeah. But, you know... - You, sit there!
- Yeah, yeah, but gently, gently, Martin. - Arghhhhh!
Yeah, yeah, but gently, gently, gently, gently.
- Sit there! - Yeah, Martin...
- Sit down! - I think they know where to sit now.
- Hi, Richard. - Karen, I need to talk to you about my mother.
- Ah... - Can I speak to you in private?
- I'm so super horny that that you must speak with me. - Hi, Werner.
I like this very much. Hello. Hello.
- Now, Karen, if you let us five. - Karen, can you call me?
- Yes. - Let us five, this is all I demand.
- Abs? - OK, yes, sir.
- You are still here? - No, I'm gone, sir.
I must speak with my friend Richard.
- Hello! - Werner.
I'm so sorry that I make them away.
I'm just trying to speak to Karen about something very important.
Ja, but I'm telling you about this very important work
- that she makes here with me, Richard. - OK.
Because, you know, Jean Flex...
- Yeah. - Yeah, we are selling the company
to the Chinese...
- Right. - ... because they make much better,
- the factories as us. - Well, I could talk all day about this,
- but unfortunately... - Well, I want, you know,
- a little bit of... - Yeah...
... therapy. Can I tell you a story from before a long time?
- Is it a short story? - I was a little boy
- in the Easter half of Germany. - Oh.
I come from the school time with a little Kumpel,
a little friend from me and my mother, she is there.
She say, "Hello, hello", and my mother, she is only the breasts.
She don't have a blouse on, she don't have a breast holder,
she's just only the breasts and she's smoking
and I am so shock.
I look at my friend next to me
and he makes already the hangman in his pants
and, you know, he go on the bathroom,
yeah, his hand is probably 200km.
From then on, I'm the kid with the only the breasts mamma.
I don't know what you say to this, but Karen,
she is to me a little bit,
a little bit only the breasts.
Oh, wow.
Well, Werner, I...
Could you, could you get Karen to just give me a call?
- Yeah, OK. - Would that be OK?
- Thank you. - Yeah. All right, I'll do that.
Thank you. Bye now.
Fuck, fuck.
Richard.
- John. - What do you want?
- Mum's been in hospital... - Oh, fuck she's a cold one.
- She's not dead. - Oh, good.
But we need to decide what to do with our mother
- because she can't live on her own any more. - Oh, for fuck's sake, Richard,
just strap on a pair if you can't grow them.
Here we go again.
"Johnny, can you get the football from next door?"
"Johnny, can you go to the Toyah concert with me?"
You enjoyed that Toyah concert!
It was all right, but not a patch on Blondie.
- Can you come here today at three o'clock? - Can I fuck!
You, me and Katherine, we need to decide what to do
- and we're going to call you at three o'clock. - Listen, Katherine's got no room.
I'm in the middle of fucking nowhere.
- You have a huge house. - I can't!
- Deal with it! - I can't, I can't!
Incoming!
Shit!
Get out!
I've got to go. I'll try and be by my light...
_
Hello, darling, sorry I missed you.
Um, I'm on lunch and Werner's out the office.
So, just to say I miss you, and I'm sorry
I'm not around again tonight, but I know how hard it is with the kids.
Keep trying and, yeah, I'll be home.
I don't know when, but I'll be home.
And I love you.
- Neil, hello. - Hello.
Welcome to your first therapy session.
I'm really looking forward to this. I think we're going to have
a cracking time. So, let's just begin, if I may,
just tell me a little bit about your family.
When I was about 15, I had sex with my mum.
Just been out drinking, you know?
- Who, you? - Both of us, yeah.
Yeah. Did you have brothers and sisters?
I do, yeah. I mean, we, we're very close in age.
Lots of cousins. I used to have sex with my cousins as well.
Well, it sounded like you all kept very busy.
Then there was my stepdad, as well.
- OK... - Well, he was weak.
- You sense that, don't you, when you're a kid? - Yeah.
So I started to poison him a bit,
grinding up painkillers and putting them in his tea and stuff like that.
- How's he now? - I didn't kill him.
- No, no, no, I wasn't suggesting that. - But I did dose him with rat poison once.
- Right. - Yeah, he had a seizure.
- They knew it was me. They found me. - Right.
- Oh, OK. - So, I accused him of fiddling with me.
- Had he been fiddling? - No, no, no.
- Right. - But that's how I got out of it. That's how
- I discovered I'm quite a good liar. - Right.
- Were you happy with your own company? - Yeah.
I'm still like that now.
- You like to be on your own? - Like when I spoke to you...
- Yeah? - ... first time, I instantly wanted to
- go around and break your legs. - Right.
- But I didn't. - Yeah.
I took loads of coke and went to strip club,
so that chilled me out a bit.
I, I've just got to say thank you, you've been very honest with me.
- You've been very open. - I used to take nude pictures of my uncle.
Right, can we look at that next time?
Not the pictures, but just the topic?
Thank you, thank you for your honesty.
That was a terrific session.
I'll make a note of it, so we can
adjust my debt to you accordingly
and let's get together very soon for the next session.
- All right. - Cheers, Neil, bye.
Fahhhhhhhhhh.
Oh, shit.
Hello?
- Hi! - Hi!
- Is it Jane Ross? - Yes, Jane.
- Hi. Is that a cot behind you? - Yes. Yeah, I have...
Oh, wow. Oh, my goodness.
- Quite a lot of baby in there. - So, is that cot for that baby?
- Hopefully. - You don't...
No, I don't have any more. This is my first.
You may be the person who witnesses my waters breaking
and have to come and take me to the hospital,
cos I haven't got anyone else to do that!
Are you on your own? Is that what you're saying?
I think, in life, we're never really on our own,
even if we're on our own.
- Are you on your own? - I have a dog. I have a dog.
- Oh, you have a dog. - The father of the baby
is a guy I was at work with. Sadly, he had to go.
He was transferred to Portsmouth,
which I know is not that far, but he felt it was too far, so...
I'm completely happy and
really excited about doing it all on my own.
Great. So, are your parents excited about the baby?
I am sure they would be.
They, unfortunately, are not with us any more.
They passed away together about five years ago.
They passed away together?
It was really lovely. It's a beautiful story.
They just thought, "We're on a cliff, let's go for it".
- They jumped off a cliff together? - Yeah.
It's sweet.
How have you and the rest of your family dealt with that?
Is there a rest of your family?
- Yes, I've got a sister. - Are you close?
Yeah, we're very close. I see her every day
at the moment. We're great.
She's into the baby? Well, she doesn't really know yet.
- She doesn't know? - Maybe somewhere in there,
she knows about the baby.
- Where is she? - She is in a coma.
She's in a coma?
She was attacked in the Congo by a rebel army.
She was attacked by an army?
She's absolutely fine, she's just in a coma.
That is not technically absolutely fine.
Three of her friends died so, compared to them,
she's absolutely fine. I suppose that's what I mean.
Do you mind if we do a little bit of word association?
- Oh, my God, I love word association. - First thing that comes into your head.
- OK, yeah, amazing. - So...
Tree.
Abandonment.
- Car. - Leave.
- Pineapple. - Grief.
- Wall. - Everywhere.
- Grave. - Deep.
Tears.
- Coming. - Cry.
- No. - Now.
- No. - Cry.
- No. No. - Now. Cry.
No.
Good.
That was good.
So... More sessions?
There are places that people go
and it's specifically for alcohol abusers
who can no longer think.
- You're late. - Yeah.
That's because somebody didn't turn up on time.
- Any resolution, mate? - No. This is the situation.
Mum needs somewhere to live, I can't afford to have her here,
so what are we going to do?
Who has a spare bedroom and lives nearby?
- Point. - She hates me. She hates me.
If she wanted to live with me, she would have asked.
- She didn't ask to live with any of us. - Yeah, I think
- she wants to live with you. - Why can't she live with you, Daddy Pig?
Have a wit, will you?
- Look where I am. - Where are you?
I can't say.
- What's he doing? - I've no idea.
Why don't we phone back when the farmer takes away the food bucket?
All right?
- Someone's going to have to clear that up. - Get on with it.
This is why she's not going to come and live with me.
"You are spiteful, you are cowardly, you are nasty."
- Fair enough. - "You don't care about me. You never have.
"You've resisted me from your first breath."
- That's true. - That is true.
- "I don't know how you sleep at night." - How do you sleep at night?
How will you sleep at night if you don't take her in?
Why would I take her in, Richard?
- Yeah, Richard, come on. - She's your mother, that's why.
- She's your mother as well. - Just take her, Richard,
- and stop this fucking pretence. - What pretence?
That you've no money, that you can't have her there.
- I can't take her in. - Is this about the breast-feeding?
- What breast-feeding? - That you weren't breast-fed and I was?
- You were breast-fed until you were six. - No.
You once told me to bugger off while you were being breast-fed.
If a child can tell you to bugger off,
it should not be suckling at a teat.
Is there a compromise to be had here?
Why doesn't she just come and live with Richard...
- That's not a compromise. - Yeah.
- ... for now? - Come on, Rich.
We're on side on this one, right?
- I can't. - Come on, Dickie.
- I just can't. - Richard, look at me. Look at me!
- Look at me! - I'm looking at you, you big fucking donkey.
I love you. I think you're doing us all a huge favour.
It won't be forgotten and, when I get a chance,
I'll pay you back.
So, sorted? Can I go now?
All right, John. Nice to see you.
- You, too. - You two are so...
- Hopefully see you soon, bye. - Yeah.
Hello, is it Adam?
Yeah. Hello.
So, I'm looking for a carer for my mother
and I'm wondering if you could tell me about yourself.
I have lots of experience with caring for people.
- OK. - I mean, I've cared for my poor mum
- when she was ill. - How is she now?
She died.
She's not infirm or anything.
It's more like we need a minder, almost.
She has a little bit of an issue with alcohol.
So do I!
I've got another job, I think, got to see.
It's working in a bar.
So, you're just after a job, really.
It's not a vocation, caring.
It's just for the money.
It's like caring, though, cos you're looking after punters
- and giving them pints. - Yeah.
I'm very caring.
I'm known for being bubbly.
Bubbly and chatty, larger-than-life sort of character, me.
- Yeah. - Friendly.
- Have I got the job? - I'll be in touch.
Cos I think you have a lot of great qualities, clearly.
Thank you for taking the time.
- Thank you. Have a good day. - Yeah, cheers.
- Hello? - Hello, Mr Pitt.
My name is Jose Lauren.
- Oh, yeah? - I am responsible...
- Good. Good. - ... reliable.
- I have never been in jail. - Good.
Have you ever cared for anyone?
Yes, I care about a lot of people.
- You've got the job. - Great!
- When... ? - Tomorrow.
- It is a live-in position? - Live-in, yeah.
- Live-in. - I've got to go.
- Starting tomorrow? Yeah, - I'll e-mail you some stuff.
Shall I buy the ticket
- and you will reimburse me? - Yeah, buy a ticket.
- See you tomorrow. - Bye.
Ja, hallo?
Oh, did I call the wrong number?
No, it's me.
- You don't know me? - I do, I just thought I phoned Karen.
You are very beautiful as always, Richard,
and so it does me a lot of pain to say this now...
- OK. - ... but we have a situation, very bad.
Karen is... I have the nose full of this dame
because I follow her on the bathroom.
Suddenly, this is not good.
Yeah, she says something to me and it's, for me, a hammer.
So I call a friend from me.
He's not a friend, he's a Russian, he's a psychopath,
a killer, and he makes her away and I say that's good.
- You killed her on the toilet. - No, we kidnapped her...
- Hi, Richard. - ... and she is in a bag
- and we have cameras. - Yeah.
- But you must pay. - OK, I'll pay.
Of course I'll pay, I love her. I need to talk to you, Karen.
Oh, you make yourself free!
- She make herself free. - Can we talk?
Mr Pitt, before you go, how excited are you about karaoke?
- I couldn't be more excited. - I'm stoked.
- Gonna be amazing. - OK, thank you.
See you. Have fun.
I'll take a video. Bye.
- Neil, hello. - I haven't got long,
but I just wanted to call you cos I've been thinking about the session.
- Right. - It was great.
- Really? - I take my hat off to you.
I'm surprised at how good it was. It's really opened my eyes.
I just wanted to say thanks, mate.
Hey, my pleasure.
I was thinking about all the money you owe me
- and the situation we're in. - Right.
You know, that money, hanging over this,
- it changes things, doesn't it? - It does. It does.
- It's something I really realised, too. - It's hanging over the whole process.
It really is, and it's making me feel awkward
- and I know it's making you feel awkward. - It is.
What's important in this situation
- is that we have a good relationship... - Yes.
- ... that is not clouded by things like money... - That's right.
... and so I've been thinking about that.
I've come to the decision, it's quite a difficult one,
but I've come to the decision that I think you should just
pay me back in full right away,
just so we don't have that burden hanging over us.
But I've got to go.
Listen, ta-ra.
Thank you for taking this call.
I'm sorry this is out of the blue.
I've done something stupid.
Bob Dylan.
"You cannot be wise and in love at the same time".
Right.
Thank you.
Are you in love?
Yeah, I love my wife.
- But? - No, I try to compete with her.
I try to be a success, to prove my worth.
- Do you conquer her vulva? - I'm all over her vulva.
- Tongue or penis, or both? - Whatever's to hand.
Hand, third option.
- Whatever it takes to show her that I love her. - That's very healthy, Richard.
That area is in a good place
and thinking about it makes me feel pretty good.
So, in the bed, you feel that you've got balloon-sized testicles
and an enormous phallus,
- is that the contradiction that we're talking about? - Yes, I think that's it.
I think you've hit it on the head.
My bed is my domain.
In bed, I'm Aslan in Narnia.
In the world, I'm...
- Rumpelstiltskin. - Yeah.
Height-impaired, powerless and very, very angry?
- Yeah. - You feel, in your family,
- that you're surrounded by a giant of a father... - Yeah.
... a monstrous giant of a brother.
And I'm the angry little troll.
David and Goliath. You will win.
You will win because as Mahatma Gandhi said,
"First they ignore you, then they laugh at you,
then they fight you and then you win".
And you are winning by talking about it.
Do you feel you've been emotionally butt-fucked
- by your entire family? - Yeah, since the age of six.
- This is an incredible breakthrough. - It is.
For the first time, you have broken down like this in many, many years.
- Yeah. - That's a very good thing.
- Yeah. - Embrace it.
Thank you.
As Taylor Swift said, "Shake it off.
Shake it off."
I'm going to take Mum in and it's all sorted,
- and she's going to move in here. - I know.
- Ricky! - Mum!
- You're the whole package. - Please stop thanking me,
- it's embarrassing now. - I don't mean it.
I've got all this and it means nothing.
Who says I've stopped having children?
- Vasectomies. - Oh!
Jesus. You're trying to suggest that she didn't care, Richard.
Nigel has been popping himself into other people's cubbyholes.
First and foremost, you are a very anal being.
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