- Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -
Be seated!
Now, men...
I want you to remember
that no bastard ever won a war
by dying for his country.
He won it by making the other poor dumb bastard
die for his country.
We're going to cut out their living guts
and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.
We're going to murder the lousy Hun bastards by the bushel.
Gimme those bodies. Gimme the bodies!
Gimme, gimme, gimme!
America did it.
- Yeah! - Herbert!
- _ - The hell are you doing, you dummy?!
- Nothing, Sergeant. - I can see that.
My God, son. Do you think I'm a moron?
Yes, Sergeant! No, Sergeant! I'm sorry.
That got a little confusing when you asked me a question.
Oh, my God. I want to punch you in the face!
- Sorry, Sergeant. - Did you clean this john?
Yes, Sergeant.
You can... up a yarn.
Take that brush
and clean that toilet, you pumpkin-headed jackass!
I want that thing so clean I can eat off of it.
I'd still use a plate, Sergeant.
My God! You are an idiot!
Well, go get it, son.
Jump in and get it!
Dive on in there.
Dive in amongst the turds and the semen.
- Find that brush. - I'm looking, I... I'm looking.
It's really deep and hard to find in there.
Oh! I got it.
Actually, that's something else.
Ow!
Herbert, you dick sniffer.
The safety was on, so it didn't go off.
Why don't you just text ISIS?
I don't think there's any reception up here, sir.
My God, did any of your mother's children survive?
All right, on me. Gather up.
Jesus...
Are you trying to hump me?
No.
Troops' intel says that there's a lot of insurgents
- up in these mountains here. - Oooooh.
So le...
- So let's split up and go right along that crest. - Yeah.
Yeah, guys. We'll split up.
Kelly, since you're new,
you stay here with Private Dingbat
and make sure the enemy doesn't retreat.
We're gonna stay here.
You need to keep it shut, or it's gonna get shot off.
Move out!
Kick some butt.
Have fun.
- I don't think the sergeant has a lot of faith in us. - You kiddin'?
This is the most important part of the mission.
You see... I know I'm special,
and if he teamed you up with me,
it means you're special, too.
Really?
Most definitely.
Here you go.
Let me sign it.
Why do you have a picture of yourself?
Eh, I'm an actor.
Huh.
Oh.
You need some help.
- Mm! - Good? You got it?
No, I do this so often.
Thanks.
I bet your parents gave you a lot of participation awards.
No.
I don't have any parents. I'm an orphan.
I'm sorry.
Don't be sorry.
That's part of what makes me special.
You are certainly unique. I'll give you that.
All right. I'm gonna go, uh...
- inspect the bushes over there. - Be careful.
I hear that's where everyone poops.
Got it.
I got shot in the ass!
- Help! - Sergeant's been shot.
- In my ass. - Oh, no.
Did you see where the gunfire came from?
Uh...
- Come on, men. - Go get 'em.
- What did I miss? - Nothing.
Nothing's going on at all. Pretty bored.
Atten, hut!
Well, the ballistics report just came in, maggots.
And it appears...
that I was not shot by the enemy.
It appears...
that I was shot...
by one of you!
Are you familiar with the Fuzzy Pumper barbershop?
It's a Play-Doh corporation toy.
You take a glob of Play-Doh, put it in the press,
and put a silly shape on the front of it.
Well, my regular bunghole is a tubular shape.
And the shape next to it,
caused by this reckless, errant bullet,
shot by one of you maggots,
is in some kind of a star shape!
Imagine my shock and horror
when I take my morning constitutional,
and I go to wipe and I turn around
and I look in the toilet bowl and there,
facing me like two evil snakes,
is one regular turd
and one lightning-bolt-shaped turd.
So, if I find out who gave me this extra bunghole...
you will not have to worry about a court martial
because I will strangle you with my own bare hands.
Do you understand me?!
- Sir, yes, sir! - Yes, sir!
Do you understand me?
- Sir, yes, sir! - Yes. Yes.
I hope you find whoever did that.
- Herbert... - I didn't do it!
Shh! Yes, you did.
I saw you shoot the sergeant.
Please, don't tell anyone.
I can't get kicked out the army before I do something special.
Fine.
I'll keep your secret for you.
Hey, you want another head shot?
No. I'm good.
You know "head shot" is Hollywood talk, right?
- Y... yeah. - You still got the other one I gave you?
Mm-hmm.
Yeah? Yeah.
A-left! A-left!
A-left, right, left!
A-left! A-left!
Platoon, halt!
- Private Herbert Smalls. - I didn't do it!
No! I can't go to jail. Please.
- You're not going to jail. - What a relief.
No!
I didn't shoot his butt!
Are you sure we got the right guy?
Idiot.
_
No! No! No!
No, please! No!
Hey, I forgot what you guys look like. You...
Oh, yeah, yeah. I remember you...
Oh, hi. Hey, you're not getting a word out of me.
Call my lawyer.
There's no need for a mouthpiece, Private.
- You're not in any trouble. - So, this isn't about the...
"I did it. It was me."
Not about that?
Shooting Sergeant McCreedy in the ass?
Oh, don't worry about that.
He's just another asshole with another asshole.
Everybody looks like the enemy in the dark.
That's what I was thinking!
Could've happened to anybody.
Yeah.
I'll take it from here, boys.
Bye!
I'm Colonel Douglas.
- Herbert. - Before we get started,
I want you to look at this movie.
Is it "Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2, Blart Happens"?
No.
Ohh.
No, this is far more serious than that.
Oh.
- Oh, I know this show. - Not this show.
- _ - ? All around the Reich ?
? There's a hand to lead you ?
? To where you need to be ?
? All you have to do is follow ?
? All around the Reich ?
? There's a heart to fill your heart with what it needs ?
? All you have to do is follow ?
? Living in a world of predictability ?
? Everything in order, most exemplary ?
? Got a feeling in my veins ?
? Yeah, it's purity ?
? Nothing's gonna stop me from my destiny ?
Sieg heil, John John.
Sieg heil, Strudel Monster.
? A is for Adolf ?
? Sieg heil ?
? A is for Adolf ?
? Sieg heil ?
? A is for Adolf ?
? Sieg heil ?
? Und Anschluss und Aryan, too ?
? B is for blitzkrieg ?
It's the 65th Liberation Day celebration,
where we celebrate the occupation of the United States
by the glorious Fatherland.
And here comes the Fuehrer.
Gosh. Kids love the Fuehrer.
He's the second most popular balloon,
of course after Snoopy.
What did you say!?
I mean he's more... he's more popular than Snoopy.
Please, no.
I have a family. I have a wife!
I have a son!
Did I miss a whole season of "Full House"?
No, Herbert. No, you didn't.
Phew.
What I'm about to tell you is highly classified.
Nod if you acknowledge that.
Oh.
In 1945, President Truman was assassinated,
and we lost the war.
That footage was from Nazi-occupied America.
That's not what the country's like now.
- No. - No.
We were able to change the course of history.
The United States government has developed time travel.
So, all that stuff... that actually happened?
- Yes. - And even worse.
But we were able to send an operative back
to eliminate Truman's assassin,
and that operative did to that assassin
what we do to Nazis here in America.
He shot him right in the face,
preventing everything that you just saw
from ever happening...
which brings me to you, Herbert.
There's more to be set right.
I have chosen you... to travel back in time.
Yes! You want me to save "Full House"!
No. No.
I want you to kill Lee Harvey Oswald...
- Unh. - ... John F. Kennedy's assassin.
Mnh.
And if you accomplish that mission...
- Mm-hmm? - ... the Vietnam War will never escalate,
and we can forego the whole Nixon debacle.
In 2004, NBC will pick up a miniseries
about JFK's Camelot
instead of "The Apprentice."
Wow.
I can prevent all those things?
Yes.
And even more tragedies, but...
only if you succeed.
Why me, sir?
I know everything there is to know about you, Herbert...
but mainly, that you're special.
I've been telling people I'm special for years!
Yes, you are, son.
This is the most important mission
in the history of the United States military.
Are you ready?
You got it, dude.
- It's from "Full House." - Yeah, I know.
_
I'm not gonna lie to you, Herbert.
Time travel is very painful.
Extremely painful.
It hurts like all hell.
I'm not afraid.
Your heart is gonna be beating
like it's gonna jump out of your brain.
Your lungs, sinuses are gonna feel
like you're breathing in molten steel.
Your intestines are gonna be screaming
to try to get out of your anus.
And what it does to your genitals
I won't even mention.
You're a very brave man.
We're gonna send you back to the fifth floor
of the Texas School Book Depository...
on that fateful day.
You're gonna seek out and find Lee Harvey Oswald...
Ohh.
and you're gonna take him out.
Do you understand?
Yes, sir.
Goggles!
Um... do I need goggles?
Oh, geez.
Uh, yeah you do.
Uh, we got a set for Herbert?
Thank you.
Good catch, kid.
Ow.
- Without these, you... - Ow.
You would have gone blind.
Close call.
Sorry about that. I've had a lot on my mind.
- Oh, that's okay. - Did I mention I'm getting a sailboat?
Ooh. Those are nice.
It's very nice.
Godspeed.
Okay.
Herbert, you all set?
Can I go number one real quick?
No time.
Three, two, one!
Yowch! Eeeee! Eeeee!
Herbert, that countdown was for the technicians.
You're gonna go now in five, four, three, two, one!
_
Ow!
Fudge. Ohh!
Double fudge. Ow.
Hello?
Lee Harvey?
Lee Harvey Oswald?
You here?
I'm, uh...
just here to visit you.
Lee Harvey?
Ooh. I love a parade.
? Go, America! ?
? Yes, yes, yes, yes! ?
Lee Harvey?
No, no, no!
Did you think that was me? 'Cause it wasn't!
No!
Halt!
Freeze!
I didn't do it! Aah! You got the wrong guy!
It wasn't me! It was someone else!
I didn't do it! I didn't do anything!
Tell them I'm innocent.
I'm just an actor! Aaaah!
Oh. Oh! Yeah!
Oh, my God! You got to help me!
There's been a terrible mix-up,
Everyone thinks I'm Lee Harvey!
Oh. Don't worry. I'll take care of it.
Oh. You are the best, man.
So good to see...
Aah!
I thought you were my friend.
No.
No, no, no, no, no, no!
Don't make this any harder than it has to be, Herbert.
Doesn't seem very hard for you at all!
I don't want blood on my suit!
I don't want to get blood on this suit!
Put 'em up!
Hold your fire!
- _ - I heard something move up there!
I'm a patsy! I've been framed!
No! No!
_
Are you high?
Clearly JFK was taken out by the CIA
'cause he was gonna pull out of 'Nam.
If by the CIA, you mean the Mafia.
Check the voter registration cards in Illinois.
My aunt's dead dog voted twice.
Man, the CIA or the Mafia couldn't pull that off.
It was Cuba. Cuba, I tell you.
And I know for a fact
that the mastermind behind it all
was Desi Arnaz.
There was no Lee Harvey Oswald.
There was a guy named Herbert.
I knew him.
He was a present-day soldier
that the government sent back in time to frame.
His name was Herbert, and he was a patsy.
You said I was special.
You are. Nobody's gonna miss you.
_
This is one small step for man,
one grape...
I said "grape."
I said "grape" that time.
Cut!
Come on.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I can do it.
I got it. What is the line, one more time?
- It's "One small step for a man." - "A man."
"One giant leap for mankind."
- You got it? - I got this.
You know how much regional theater I do?
I can't imagine.
Is there any chance
that Neil Armstrong guy's available still?
All right, yeah, take a break.
Get out of the suit. Relax.
And... action.
God, Herbert, you pumpkin-headed jackass!
I'm Josh Josh Fadem.
I play Herbert Smalls,
and he's a devoted military character,
- and... - That's not right at all.
and he gets chosen for a very important mission.
I think...
- That's not right? - No, that's not even...
- That's how I interpret the character? - Really?
- Yeah. - I kind of saw him as kind of an idiot.
Yeah.
"I did it. It was me."
I'll take it from here, boys.
This is Joel Murray, one of my best friends.
And Joel and I have
known each other for, what, 30 years?
Since 1985, one crazy summer.
And we've been in movies together.
But we did a movie that I directed and wrote
and you starred in called "God Bless America."
Yes. I also did "Shakes the Clown."
The most impressive thing about any of this
is that you still take my phone calls.
- That's the... - Bob, I mean, I owe you.
- I've made over $300 in your films. - Yeah.
I'm very sorry. I've had a lot on my mind.
Did I mention I'm getting a new Tesla?
Okay, cut.
Your commitment to physical comedy...
my biggest concern wasn't,
was it gonna work or if it was funny.
It was if you were gonna hurt yourself.
- Right, I did. - Yeah, you...
I did hurt myself, like day one, scene one.
Very good!
A-a-a-ayyy-ayyyy!
Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh!
A-E-I-O-U, sometimes Y! Aaaaaaah!
You actually blew out your shoes...
- Oh, yeah. - ... like in less than an hour.
They had to repair these, glue them back together.
- He's hard on shoes. - He's hard on shoes.
In "Patsy," when the time traveling happens,
I like the color.
Whatever you did was a good call
'cause it does feel like it's from another time period...
- Yeah. - ... without doing the tricks of being black and white.
Yeah, it was a little bit of the sepia influence,
but not so overboard to where it felt gimmicky.
We also shot on vintage lenses from the '70s,
- which was fun. - Right.
I always wanted to do a time-traveling movie
where the 55-year-old version of me...
finds the 22-year-old version of me
and tells him not to do "Police Academy."
Why?
'Cause...
- So strangers wouldn't talk to me all the time and ask me... - Oh.
"Did that guy really make those sound effects?"
"Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2, Blart Happens."
- Does that help at all? - Kind of, yeah.
We were talking one day, and I said,
"Bob, like, the last five, six films you did
have a completely different genre.
You did a documentary. You did a horror movie.
You did a found-footage, you know...
I said, "You should do a series,
like a 'Twilight Zone' kind of thing,"
- and here you are, doing it. - Yeah.
- I'm very proud of you, and I... - Well...
I think maybe like 5% or something, you know?
- It did sound like a kickback was coming. - Yeah.
All right. "Misfits & Monsters."
- Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -