1 00:00:00,001 --> 00:00:05,000 - Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com - 2 00:00:18,590 --> 00:00:21,561 Be seated! 3 00:00:21,593 --> 00:00:23,563 Now, men... 4 00:00:23,596 --> 00:00:25,898 I want you to remember 5 00:00:25,930 --> 00:00:32,070 that no bastard ever won a war 6 00:00:32,104 --> 00:00:35,073 by dying for his country. 7 00:00:35,107 --> 00:00:38,610 He won it by making the other poor dumb bastard 8 00:00:38,643 --> 00:00:41,247 die for his country. 9 00:00:41,280 --> 00:00:44,784 We're going to cut out their living guts 10 00:00:44,817 --> 00:00:48,753 and use them to grease the treads of our tanks. 11 00:00:48,787 --> 00:00:52,290 We're going to murder the lousy Hun bastards by the bushel. 12 00:00:52,323 --> 00:00:54,427 Gimme those bodies. Gimme the bodies! 13 00:00:54,460 --> 00:00:55,695 Gimme, gimme, gimme! 14 00:00:55,728 --> 00:00:57,630 America did it. 15 00:00:57,663 --> 00:00:58,798 - Yeah! - Herbert! 16 00:00:59,964 --> 00:01:01,109 - _ - The hell are you doing, you dummy?! 17 00:01:01,133 --> 00:01:03,268 - Nothing, Sergeant. - I can see that. 18 00:01:03,302 --> 00:01:05,136 My God, son. Do you think I'm a moron? 19 00:01:05,169 --> 00:01:06,972 Yes, Sergeant! No, Sergeant! I'm sorry. 20 00:01:07,005 --> 00:01:09,116 That got a little confusing when you asked me a question. 21 00:01:09,140 --> 00:01:10,785 Oh, my God. I want to punch you in the face! 22 00:01:10,809 --> 00:01:13,279 - Sorry, Sergeant. - Did you clean this john? 23 00:01:13,312 --> 00:01:15,515 Yes, Sergeant. 24 00:01:15,547 --> 00:01:18,517 You can... up a yarn. 25 00:01:18,550 --> 00:01:19,684 Take that brush 26 00:01:19,717 --> 00:01:23,121 and clean that toilet, you pumpkin-headed jackass! 27 00:01:23,154 --> 00:01:26,625 I want that thing so clean I can eat off of it. 28 00:01:26,659 --> 00:01:28,461 I'd still use a plate, Sergeant. 29 00:01:28,493 --> 00:01:30,962 My God! You are an idiot! 30 00:01:30,996 --> 00:01:33,131 Well, go get it, son. 31 00:01:33,165 --> 00:01:34,833 Jump in and get it! 32 00:01:34,866 --> 00:01:36,368 Dive on in there. 33 00:01:36,401 --> 00:01:39,371 Dive in amongst the turds and the semen. 34 00:01:41,440 --> 00:01:43,910 - Find that brush. - I'm looking, I... I'm looking. 35 00:01:43,943 --> 00:01:46,312 It's really deep and hard to find in there. 36 00:01:46,344 --> 00:01:47,812 Oh! I got it. 37 00:01:47,845 --> 00:01:49,148 Actually, that's something else. 38 00:01:58,389 --> 00:01:59,558 Ow! 39 00:01:59,591 --> 00:02:01,259 Herbert, you dick sniffer. 40 00:02:01,293 --> 00:02:03,563 The safety was on, so it didn't go off. 41 00:02:03,595 --> 00:02:05,230 Why don't you just text ISIS? 42 00:02:05,264 --> 00:02:06,942 I don't think there's any reception up here, sir. 43 00:02:06,966 --> 00:02:12,904 My God, did any of your mother's children survive? 44 00:02:12,938 --> 00:02:15,041 All right, on me. Gather up. 45 00:02:17,475 --> 00:02:19,377 Jesus... 46 00:02:19,410 --> 00:02:20,845 Are you trying to hump me? 47 00:02:20,879 --> 00:02:22,181 No. 48 00:02:22,213 --> 00:02:24,516 Troops' intel says that there's a lot of insurgents 49 00:02:24,550 --> 00:02:26,184 - up in these mountains here. - Oooooh. 50 00:02:26,218 --> 00:02:28,454 So le... 51 00:02:28,486 --> 00:02:31,289 - So let's split up and go right along that crest. - Yeah. 52 00:02:31,323 --> 00:02:32,758 Yeah, guys. We'll split up. 53 00:02:32,790 --> 00:02:34,059 Kelly, since you're new, 54 00:02:34,093 --> 00:02:36,028 you stay here with Private Dingbat 55 00:02:36,061 --> 00:02:37,897 and make sure the enemy doesn't retreat. 56 00:02:37,930 --> 00:02:40,131 We're gonna stay here. 57 00:02:40,164 --> 00:02:44,369 You need to keep it shut, or it's gonna get shot off. 58 00:02:44,402 --> 00:02:46,204 Move out! 59 00:02:46,237 --> 00:02:47,706 Kick some butt. 60 00:02:47,740 --> 00:02:50,208 Have fun. 61 00:02:56,748 --> 00:02:59,259 - I don't think the sergeant has a lot of faith in us. - You kiddin'? 62 00:02:59,283 --> 00:03:01,720 This is the most important part of the mission. 63 00:03:01,754 --> 00:03:04,056 You see... I know I'm special, 64 00:03:04,088 --> 00:03:06,558 and if he teamed you up with me, 65 00:03:06,592 --> 00:03:08,561 it means you're special, too. 66 00:03:08,593 --> 00:03:09,829 Really? 67 00:03:09,861 --> 00:03:11,663 Most definitely. 68 00:03:15,099 --> 00:03:16,101 Here you go. 69 00:03:16,135 --> 00:03:18,237 Let me sign it. 70 00:03:18,270 --> 00:03:20,171 Why do you have a picture of yourself? 71 00:03:20,205 --> 00:03:22,808 Eh, I'm an actor. 72 00:03:22,841 --> 00:03:26,177 Huh. 73 00:03:26,211 --> 00:03:29,015 Oh. 74 00:03:29,047 --> 00:03:30,148 You need some help. 75 00:03:30,182 --> 00:03:31,250 - Mm! - Good? You got it? 76 00:03:31,283 --> 00:03:33,184 No, I do this so often. 77 00:03:33,218 --> 00:03:35,621 Thanks. 78 00:03:35,653 --> 00:03:38,823 I bet your parents gave you a lot of participation awards. 79 00:03:38,856 --> 00:03:39,958 No. 80 00:03:39,992 --> 00:03:42,161 I don't have any parents. I'm an orphan. 81 00:03:42,194 --> 00:03:43,362 I'm sorry. 82 00:03:43,395 --> 00:03:44,497 Don't be sorry. 83 00:03:44,529 --> 00:03:46,831 That's part of what makes me special. 84 00:03:46,865 --> 00:03:51,302 You are certainly unique. I'll give you that. 85 00:03:53,539 --> 00:03:56,208 All right. I'm gonna go, uh... 86 00:03:56,241 --> 00:03:58,444 - inspect the bushes over there. - Be careful. 87 00:03:58,476 --> 00:04:00,646 I hear that's where everyone poops. 88 00:04:01,680 --> 00:04:03,815 Got it. 89 00:04:14,592 --> 00:04:17,295 I got shot in the ass! 90 00:04:17,328 --> 00:04:19,364 - Help! - Sergeant's been shot. 91 00:04:19,397 --> 00:04:21,534 - In my ass. - Oh, no. 92 00:04:21,566 --> 00:04:23,143 Did you see where the gunfire came from? 93 00:04:23,167 --> 00:04:24,636 Uh... 94 00:04:27,039 --> 00:04:29,008 - Come on, men. - Go get 'em. 95 00:04:29,041 --> 00:04:30,543 - What did I miss? - Nothing. 96 00:04:30,575 --> 00:04:33,344 Nothing's going on at all. Pretty bored. 97 00:04:39,517 --> 00:04:41,654 Atten, hut! 98 00:04:46,358 --> 00:04:50,663 Well, the ballistics report just came in, maggots. 99 00:04:50,695 --> 00:04:52,530 And it appears... 100 00:04:52,563 --> 00:04:55,700 that I was not shot by the enemy. 101 00:04:56,935 --> 00:04:59,171 It appears... 102 00:04:59,203 --> 00:05:01,506 that I was shot... 103 00:05:01,539 --> 00:05:03,275 by one of you! 104 00:05:05,210 --> 00:05:09,448 Are you familiar with the Fuzzy Pumper barbershop? 105 00:05:09,481 --> 00:05:13,252 It's a Play-Doh corporation toy. 106 00:05:13,284 --> 00:05:15,887 You take a glob of Play-Doh, put it in the press, 107 00:05:15,921 --> 00:05:19,358 and put a silly shape on the front of it. 108 00:05:19,390 --> 00:05:25,029 Well, my regular bunghole is a tubular shape. 109 00:05:25,063 --> 00:05:26,365 And the shape next to it, 110 00:05:26,397 --> 00:05:29,200 caused by this reckless, errant bullet, 111 00:05:29,234 --> 00:05:33,205 shot by one of you maggots, 112 00:05:33,238 --> 00:05:36,375 is in some kind of a star shape! 113 00:05:36,407 --> 00:05:38,476 Imagine my shock and horror 114 00:05:38,510 --> 00:05:40,913 when I take my morning constitutional, 115 00:05:40,945 --> 00:05:42,981 and I go to wipe and I turn around 116 00:05:43,015 --> 00:05:45,651 and I look in the toilet bowl and there, 117 00:05:45,683 --> 00:05:48,320 facing me like two evil snakes, 118 00:05:48,352 --> 00:05:49,888 is one regular turd 119 00:05:49,921 --> 00:05:51,890 and one lightning-bolt-shaped turd. 120 00:05:51,924 --> 00:05:57,929 So, if I find out who gave me this extra bunghole... 121 00:05:59,263 --> 00:06:02,901 you will not have to worry about a court martial 122 00:06:02,935 --> 00:06:07,907 because I will strangle you with my own bare hands. 123 00:06:07,940 --> 00:06:10,109 Do you understand me?! 124 00:06:10,142 --> 00:06:13,913 - Sir, yes, sir! - Yes, sir! 125 00:06:13,945 --> 00:06:17,515 Do you understand me? 126 00:06:17,549 --> 00:06:20,085 - Sir, yes, sir! - Yes. Yes. 127 00:06:22,387 --> 00:06:26,159 I hope you find whoever did that. 128 00:06:35,834 --> 00:06:37,169 - Herbert... - I didn't do it! 129 00:06:37,202 --> 00:06:38,279 Shh! Yes, you did. 130 00:06:38,303 --> 00:06:39,505 I saw you shoot the sergeant. 131 00:06:39,537 --> 00:06:41,005 Please, don't tell anyone. 132 00:06:41,039 --> 00:06:43,609 I can't get kicked out the army before I do something special. 133 00:06:43,642 --> 00:06:45,476 Fine. 134 00:06:45,510 --> 00:06:48,514 I'll keep your secret for you. 135 00:06:48,546 --> 00:06:50,883 Hey, you want another head shot? 136 00:06:50,916 --> 00:06:52,051 No. I'm good. 137 00:06:52,084 --> 00:06:53,561 You know "head shot" is Hollywood talk, right? 138 00:06:53,585 --> 00:06:55,621 - Y... yeah. - You still got the other one I gave you? 139 00:06:55,654 --> 00:06:57,156 Mm-hmm. 140 00:06:57,188 --> 00:06:58,456 Yeah? Yeah. 141 00:06:58,489 --> 00:07:00,658 A-left! A-left! 142 00:07:00,691 --> 00:07:03,228 A-left, right, left! 143 00:07:03,262 --> 00:07:05,029 A-left! A-left! 144 00:07:05,063 --> 00:07:06,399 Platoon, halt! 145 00:07:16,608 --> 00:07:18,244 - Private Herbert Smalls. - I didn't do it! 146 00:07:18,277 --> 00:07:19,844 No! I can't go to jail. Please. 147 00:07:19,878 --> 00:07:22,681 - You're not going to jail. - What a relief. 148 00:07:22,714 --> 00:07:24,884 No! 149 00:07:24,916 --> 00:07:26,952 I didn't shoot his butt! 150 00:07:29,553 --> 00:07:31,524 Are you sure we got the right guy? 151 00:07:31,957 --> 00:07:33,125 Idiot. 152 00:07:37,162 --> 00:07:38,965 _ 153 00:07:38,997 --> 00:07:42,100 No! No! No! 154 00:07:42,134 --> 00:07:44,437 No, please! No! 155 00:07:52,877 --> 00:07:55,013 Hey, I forgot what you guys look like. You... 156 00:07:55,047 --> 00:07:56,982 Oh, yeah, yeah. I remember you... 157 00:07:57,016 --> 00:07:59,285 Oh, hi. Hey, you're not getting a word out of me. 158 00:07:59,317 --> 00:08:00,619 Call my lawyer. 159 00:08:00,653 --> 00:08:02,487 There's no need for a mouthpiece, Private. 160 00:08:02,521 --> 00:08:05,023 - You're not in any trouble. - So, this isn't about the... 161 00:08:14,699 --> 00:08:17,302 "I did it. It was me." 162 00:08:17,336 --> 00:08:18,379 Not about that? 163 00:08:18,403 --> 00:08:21,606 Shooting Sergeant McCreedy in the ass? 164 00:08:21,639 --> 00:08:22,974 Oh, don't worry about that. 165 00:08:23,008 --> 00:08:26,978 He's just another asshole with another asshole. 166 00:08:27,011 --> 00:08:28,390 Everybody looks like the enemy in the dark. 167 00:08:28,414 --> 00:08:30,616 That's what I was thinking! 168 00:08:30,649 --> 00:08:31,859 Could've happened to anybody. 169 00:08:31,883 --> 00:08:33,185 Yeah. 170 00:08:33,218 --> 00:08:36,488 I'll take it from here, boys. 171 00:08:36,521 --> 00:08:38,690 Bye! 172 00:08:38,723 --> 00:08:40,693 I'm Colonel Douglas. 173 00:08:40,726 --> 00:08:42,729 - Herbert. - Before we get started, 174 00:08:42,761 --> 00:08:45,330 I want you to look at this movie. 175 00:08:45,363 --> 00:08:48,834 Is it "Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2, Blart Happens"? 176 00:08:48,867 --> 00:08:50,001 No. 177 00:08:50,035 --> 00:08:51,170 Ohh. 178 00:08:51,203 --> 00:08:54,807 No, this is far more serious than that. 179 00:08:54,839 --> 00:08:56,309 Oh. 180 00:08:58,944 --> 00:09:02,314 - Oh, I know this show. - Not this show. 181 00:09:02,348 --> 00:09:03,382 - _ - ? All around the Reich ? 182 00:09:03,415 --> 00:09:05,417 ? There's a hand to lead you ? 183 00:09:05,450 --> 00:09:07,486 ? To where you need to be ? 184 00:09:07,520 --> 00:09:09,989 ? All you have to do is follow ? 185 00:09:10,021 --> 00:09:11,523 ? All around the Reich ? 186 00:09:11,556 --> 00:09:14,726 ? There's a heart to fill your heart with what it needs ? 187 00:09:14,760 --> 00:09:17,063 ? All you have to do is follow ? 188 00:09:17,096 --> 00:09:20,266 ? Living in a world of predictability ? 189 00:09:20,299 --> 00:09:23,935 ? Everything in order, most exemplary ? 190 00:09:23,968 --> 00:09:25,771 ? Got a feeling in my veins ? 191 00:09:25,804 --> 00:09:27,506 ? Yeah, it's purity ? 192 00:09:27,540 --> 00:09:31,410 ? Nothing's gonna stop me from my destiny ? 193 00:09:31,444 --> 00:09:33,279 Sieg heil, John John. 194 00:09:33,311 --> 00:09:35,380 Sieg heil, Strudel Monster. 195 00:09:35,414 --> 00:09:37,917 ? A is for Adolf ? 196 00:09:37,949 --> 00:09:39,184 ? Sieg heil ? 197 00:09:39,218 --> 00:09:41,788 ? A is for Adolf ? 198 00:09:41,820 --> 00:09:43,255 ? Sieg heil ? 199 00:09:43,289 --> 00:09:45,357 ? A is for Adolf ? 200 00:09:45,391 --> 00:09:46,458 ? Sieg heil ? 201 00:09:46,492 --> 00:09:50,429 ? Und Anschluss und Aryan, too ? 202 00:09:50,463 --> 00:09:52,732 ? B is for blitzkrieg ? 203 00:09:54,967 --> 00:09:57,737 It's the 65th Liberation Day celebration, 204 00:09:57,770 --> 00:10:00,606 where we celebrate the occupation of the United States 205 00:10:00,639 --> 00:10:02,442 by the glorious Fatherland. 206 00:10:02,474 --> 00:10:04,944 And here comes the Fuehrer. 207 00:10:04,977 --> 00:10:07,280 Gosh. Kids love the Fuehrer. 208 00:10:07,313 --> 00:10:09,482 He's the second most popular balloon, 209 00:10:09,515 --> 00:10:10,616 of course after Snoopy. 210 00:10:10,649 --> 00:10:12,227 What did you say!? 211 00:10:12,251 --> 00:10:14,396 I mean he's more... he's more popular than Snoopy. 212 00:10:14,420 --> 00:10:15,460 Please, no. 213 00:10:15,487 --> 00:10:16,756 I have a family. I have a wife! 214 00:10:16,789 --> 00:10:18,124 I have a son! 215 00:10:22,194 --> 00:10:24,296 Did I miss a whole season of "Full House"? 216 00:10:24,329 --> 00:10:26,131 No, Herbert. No, you didn't. 217 00:10:26,165 --> 00:10:28,900 Phew. 218 00:10:28,934 --> 00:10:32,304 What I'm about to tell you is highly classified. 219 00:10:40,846 --> 00:10:42,181 Nod if you acknowledge that. 220 00:10:42,213 --> 00:10:43,616 Oh. 221 00:10:44,983 --> 00:10:48,153 In 1945, President Truman was assassinated, 222 00:10:48,186 --> 00:10:50,322 and we lost the war. 223 00:10:50,356 --> 00:10:54,126 That footage was from Nazi-occupied America. 224 00:10:56,462 --> 00:10:58,598 That's not what the country's like now. 225 00:10:58,631 --> 00:11:00,199 - No. - No. 226 00:11:00,232 --> 00:11:03,102 We were able to change the course of history. 227 00:11:03,135 --> 00:11:07,939 The United States government has developed time travel. 228 00:11:07,973 --> 00:11:11,944 So, all that stuff... that actually happened? 229 00:11:11,977 --> 00:11:15,180 - Yes. - And even worse. 230 00:11:15,213 --> 00:11:16,949 But we were able to send an operative back 231 00:11:16,982 --> 00:11:19,352 to eliminate Truman's assassin, 232 00:11:19,385 --> 00:11:22,188 and that operative did to that assassin 233 00:11:22,221 --> 00:11:26,325 what we do to Nazis here in America. 234 00:11:26,357 --> 00:11:29,395 He shot him right in the face, 235 00:11:29,428 --> 00:11:31,530 preventing everything that you just saw 236 00:11:31,564 --> 00:11:33,900 from ever happening... 237 00:11:33,933 --> 00:11:36,402 which brings me to you, Herbert. 238 00:11:36,434 --> 00:11:40,171 There's more to be set right. 239 00:11:40,204 --> 00:11:44,977 I have chosen you... to travel back in time. 240 00:11:46,844 --> 00:11:49,681 Yes! You want me to save "Full House"! 241 00:11:49,714 --> 00:11:51,249 No. No. 242 00:11:51,282 --> 00:11:53,552 I want you to kill Lee Harvey Oswald... 243 00:11:53,585 --> 00:11:55,487 - Unh. - ... John F. Kennedy's assassin. 244 00:11:55,521 --> 00:11:56,521 Mnh. 245 00:11:56,554 --> 00:11:58,056 And if you accomplish that mission... 246 00:11:58,089 --> 00:12:00,692 - Mm-hmm? - ... the Vietnam War will never escalate, 247 00:12:00,726 --> 00:12:03,896 and we can forego the whole Nixon debacle. 248 00:12:03,929 --> 00:12:07,433 In 2004, NBC will pick up a miniseries 249 00:12:07,466 --> 00:12:09,902 about JFK's Camelot 250 00:12:09,934 --> 00:12:11,771 instead of "The Apprentice." 251 00:12:11,804 --> 00:12:13,072 Wow. 252 00:12:13,104 --> 00:12:15,074 I can prevent all those things? 253 00:12:15,107 --> 00:12:16,943 Yes. 254 00:12:16,976 --> 00:12:19,178 And even more tragedies, but... 255 00:12:19,210 --> 00:12:21,647 only if you succeed. 256 00:12:26,285 --> 00:12:27,920 Why me, sir? 257 00:12:32,558 --> 00:12:36,261 I know everything there is to know about you, Herbert... 258 00:12:37,729 --> 00:12:41,066 but mainly, that you're special. 259 00:12:41,099 --> 00:12:45,771 I've been telling people I'm special for years! 260 00:12:45,804 --> 00:12:47,607 Yes, you are, son. 261 00:12:47,640 --> 00:12:49,308 This is the most important mission 262 00:12:49,341 --> 00:12:51,944 in the history of the United States military. 263 00:12:55,580 --> 00:12:56,615 Are you ready? 264 00:13:01,920 --> 00:13:04,490 You got it, dude. 265 00:13:06,925 --> 00:13:08,825 - It's from "Full House." - Yeah, I know. 266 00:13:11,663 --> 00:13:13,133 _ 267 00:13:13,166 --> 00:13:14,935 I'm not gonna lie to you, Herbert. 268 00:13:14,967 --> 00:13:17,269 Time travel is very painful. 269 00:13:17,302 --> 00:13:19,272 Extremely painful. 270 00:13:19,304 --> 00:13:20,506 It hurts like all hell. 271 00:13:20,539 --> 00:13:22,541 I'm not afraid. 272 00:13:22,575 --> 00:13:23,619 Your heart is gonna be beating 273 00:13:23,643 --> 00:13:25,778 like it's gonna jump out of your brain. 274 00:13:25,812 --> 00:13:27,947 Your lungs, sinuses are gonna feel 275 00:13:27,980 --> 00:13:31,283 like you're breathing in molten steel. 276 00:13:31,317 --> 00:13:33,019 Your intestines are gonna be screaming 277 00:13:33,052 --> 00:13:34,387 to try to get out of your anus. 278 00:13:34,419 --> 00:13:35,955 And what it does to your genitals 279 00:13:35,989 --> 00:13:38,825 I won't even mention. 280 00:13:38,857 --> 00:13:41,627 You're a very brave man. 281 00:13:41,660 --> 00:13:44,797 We're gonna send you back to the fifth floor 282 00:13:44,831 --> 00:13:47,466 of the Texas School Book Depository... 283 00:13:47,500 --> 00:13:49,469 on that fateful day. 284 00:13:49,501 --> 00:13:52,805 You're gonna seek out and find Lee Harvey Oswald... 285 00:13:52,839 --> 00:13:54,040 Ohh. 286 00:13:54,072 --> 00:13:55,183 and you're gonna take him out. 287 00:13:55,207 --> 00:13:56,709 Do you understand? 288 00:13:56,743 --> 00:13:58,545 Yes, sir. 289 00:14:01,447 --> 00:14:02,883 Goggles! 290 00:14:09,688 --> 00:14:12,424 Um... do I need goggles? 291 00:14:12,457 --> 00:14:13,525 Oh, geez. 292 00:14:13,558 --> 00:14:15,060 Uh, yeah you do. 293 00:14:15,094 --> 00:14:17,063 Uh, we got a set for Herbert? 294 00:14:17,096 --> 00:14:18,831 Thank you. 295 00:14:18,865 --> 00:14:20,667 Good catch, kid. 296 00:14:20,700 --> 00:14:21,902 Ow. 297 00:14:21,934 --> 00:14:23,402 - Without these, you... - Ow. 298 00:14:23,436 --> 00:14:24,738 You would have gone blind. 299 00:14:24,770 --> 00:14:26,205 Close call. 300 00:14:26,239 --> 00:14:27,783 Sorry about that. I've had a lot on my mind. 301 00:14:27,807 --> 00:14:30,509 - Oh, that's okay. - Did I mention I'm getting a sailboat? 302 00:14:30,543 --> 00:14:31,878 Ooh. Those are nice. 303 00:14:31,910 --> 00:14:33,879 It's very nice. 304 00:14:33,913 --> 00:14:36,682 Godspeed. 305 00:14:36,716 --> 00:14:38,585 Okay. 306 00:14:38,618 --> 00:14:39,753 Herbert, you all set? 307 00:14:39,785 --> 00:14:40,862 Can I go number one real quick? 308 00:14:40,886 --> 00:14:42,054 No time. 309 00:14:42,087 --> 00:14:45,125 Three, two, one! 310 00:14:47,259 --> 00:14:52,564 Yowch! Eeeee! Eeeee! 311 00:14:52,597 --> 00:14:55,267 Herbert, that countdown was for the technicians. 312 00:14:55,301 --> 00:14:59,205 You're gonna go now in five, four, three, two, one! 313 00:15:08,847 --> 00:15:11,584 _ 314 00:15:16,254 --> 00:15:17,557 Ow! 315 00:15:17,590 --> 00:15:20,560 Fudge. Ohh! 316 00:15:25,130 --> 00:15:28,434 Double fudge. Ow. 317 00:15:34,941 --> 00:15:36,576 Hello? 318 00:15:36,609 --> 00:15:38,745 Lee Harvey? 319 00:15:38,778 --> 00:15:40,747 Lee Harvey Oswald? 320 00:15:42,115 --> 00:15:44,817 You here? 321 00:15:46,351 --> 00:15:48,454 I'm, uh... 322 00:15:48,488 --> 00:15:50,790 just here to visit you. 323 00:15:54,793 --> 00:15:57,263 Lee Harvey? 324 00:15:59,465 --> 00:16:01,768 Ooh. I love a parade. 325 00:16:06,239 --> 00:16:07,673 ? Go, America! ? 326 00:16:07,706 --> 00:16:09,442 ? Yes, yes, yes, yes! ? 327 00:16:21,553 --> 00:16:23,789 Lee Harvey? 328 00:16:36,101 --> 00:16:37,803 No, no, no! 329 00:16:37,836 --> 00:16:40,206 Did you think that was me? 'Cause it wasn't! 330 00:16:40,239 --> 00:16:42,375 No! 331 00:16:55,221 --> 00:16:57,423 Halt! 332 00:16:57,457 --> 00:16:58,491 Freeze! 333 00:17:08,768 --> 00:17:11,203 I didn't do it! Aah! You got the wrong guy! 334 00:17:11,237 --> 00:17:13,506 It wasn't me! It was someone else! 335 00:17:13,538 --> 00:17:17,176 I didn't do it! I didn't do anything! 336 00:17:17,210 --> 00:17:19,211 Tell them I'm innocent. 337 00:17:19,244 --> 00:17:21,914 I'm just an actor! Aaaah! 338 00:17:32,224 --> 00:17:34,593 Oh. Oh! Yeah! 339 00:17:34,626 --> 00:17:36,695 Oh, my God! You got to help me! 340 00:17:36,729 --> 00:17:37,738 There's been a terrible mix-up, 341 00:17:37,762 --> 00:17:39,965 Everyone thinks I'm Lee Harvey! 342 00:17:39,999 --> 00:17:42,201 Oh. Don't worry. I'll take care of it. 343 00:17:42,234 --> 00:17:45,304 Oh. You are the best, man. 344 00:17:45,337 --> 00:17:46,772 So good to see... 345 00:17:46,806 --> 00:17:48,307 Aah! 346 00:17:48,340 --> 00:17:49,908 I thought you were my friend. 347 00:17:49,942 --> 00:17:52,644 No. 348 00:17:52,678 --> 00:17:55,248 No, no, no, no, no, no! 349 00:17:55,280 --> 00:17:57,483 Don't make this any harder than it has to be, Herbert. 350 00:17:57,517 --> 00:17:58,659 Doesn't seem very hard for you at all! 351 00:17:58,683 --> 00:17:59,952 I don't want blood on my suit! 352 00:17:59,986 --> 00:18:02,088 I don't want to get blood on this suit! 353 00:18:02,121 --> 00:18:03,556 Put 'em up! 354 00:18:20,539 --> 00:18:22,808 Hold your fire! 355 00:18:22,842 --> 00:18:24,576 - _ - I heard something move up there! 356 00:18:33,152 --> 00:18:35,922 I'm a patsy! I've been framed! 357 00:18:35,954 --> 00:18:38,023 No! No! 358 00:18:41,614 --> 00:18:46,686 _ 359 00:18:46,720 --> 00:18:47,988 Are you high? 360 00:18:48,020 --> 00:18:50,490 Clearly JFK was taken out by the CIA 361 00:18:50,524 --> 00:18:52,426 'cause he was gonna pull out of 'Nam. 362 00:18:52,459 --> 00:18:54,894 If by the CIA, you mean the Mafia. 363 00:18:54,928 --> 00:18:57,331 Check the voter registration cards in Illinois. 364 00:18:57,364 --> 00:18:59,232 My aunt's dead dog voted twice. 365 00:18:59,266 --> 00:19:02,503 Man, the CIA or the Mafia couldn't pull that off. 366 00:19:02,536 --> 00:19:05,205 It was Cuba. Cuba, I tell you. 367 00:19:05,238 --> 00:19:06,440 And I know for a fact 368 00:19:06,472 --> 00:19:08,040 that the mastermind behind it all 369 00:19:08,074 --> 00:19:10,443 was Desi Arnaz. 370 00:19:12,645 --> 00:19:14,614 There was no Lee Harvey Oswald. 371 00:19:16,283 --> 00:19:18,419 There was a guy named Herbert. 372 00:19:18,451 --> 00:19:22,189 I knew him. 373 00:19:22,221 --> 00:19:23,356 He was a present-day soldier 374 00:19:23,390 --> 00:19:26,693 that the government sent back in time to frame. 375 00:19:26,726 --> 00:19:29,696 His name was Herbert, and he was a patsy. 376 00:19:29,729 --> 00:19:31,465 You said I was special. 377 00:19:31,498 --> 00:19:33,433 You are. Nobody's gonna miss you. 378 00:19:40,179 --> 00:19:43,879 _ 379 00:19:57,922 --> 00:20:00,202 _ 380 00:20:00,760 --> 00:20:04,434 _ 381 00:20:07,467 --> 00:20:10,604 This is one small step for man, 382 00:20:10,636 --> 00:20:11,838 one grape... 383 00:20:15,674 --> 00:20:19,245 I said "grape." 384 00:20:19,278 --> 00:20:21,781 I said "grape" that time. 385 00:20:21,815 --> 00:20:24,084 Cut! 386 00:20:24,116 --> 00:20:25,418 Come on. 387 00:20:25,451 --> 00:20:27,086 I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I can do it. 388 00:20:27,120 --> 00:20:29,356 I got it. What is the line, one more time? 389 00:20:29,389 --> 00:20:32,426 - It's "One small step for a man." - "A man." 390 00:20:32,459 --> 00:20:34,862 "One giant leap for mankind." 391 00:20:34,894 --> 00:20:36,864 - You got it? - I got this. 392 00:20:36,896 --> 00:20:39,031 You know how much regional theater I do? 393 00:20:39,065 --> 00:20:40,267 I can't imagine. 394 00:20:40,299 --> 00:20:41,534 Is there any chance 395 00:20:41,567 --> 00:20:44,604 that Neil Armstrong guy's available still? 396 00:20:44,637 --> 00:20:45,647 All right, yeah, take a break. 397 00:20:45,671 --> 00:20:48,141 Get out of the suit. Relax. 398 00:20:59,653 --> 00:21:01,789 And... action. 399 00:21:03,856 --> 00:21:07,293 God, Herbert, you pumpkin-headed jackass! 400 00:21:07,327 --> 00:21:08,529 I'm Josh Josh Fadem. 401 00:21:08,561 --> 00:21:10,930 I play Herbert Smalls, 402 00:21:10,963 --> 00:21:14,867 and he's a devoted military character, 403 00:21:14,901 --> 00:21:16,970 - and... - That's not right at all. 404 00:21:17,002 --> 00:21:19,939 and he gets chosen for a very important mission. 405 00:21:19,972 --> 00:21:21,040 I think... 406 00:21:21,074 --> 00:21:22,351 - That's not right? - No, that's not even... 407 00:21:22,375 --> 00:21:23,785 - That's how I interpret the character? - Really? 408 00:21:23,809 --> 00:21:26,113 - Yeah. - I kind of saw him as kind of an idiot. 409 00:21:26,145 --> 00:21:27,147 Yeah. 410 00:21:34,988 --> 00:21:36,957 "I did it. It was me." 411 00:21:36,990 --> 00:21:39,293 I'll take it from here, boys. 412 00:21:39,326 --> 00:21:42,529 This is Joel Murray, one of my best friends. 413 00:21:42,561 --> 00:21:44,298 And Joel and I have 414 00:21:44,330 --> 00:21:46,567 known each other for, what, 30 years? 415 00:21:46,599 --> 00:21:49,035 Since 1985, one crazy summer. 416 00:21:49,068 --> 00:21:50,904 And we've been in movies together. 417 00:21:50,936 --> 00:21:54,040 But we did a movie that I directed and wrote 418 00:21:54,074 --> 00:21:56,577 and you starred in called "God Bless America." 419 00:21:56,609 --> 00:21:58,911 Yes. I also did "Shakes the Clown." 420 00:21:58,944 --> 00:22:01,848 The most impressive thing about any of this 421 00:22:01,882 --> 00:22:04,051 is that you still take my phone calls. 422 00:22:06,086 --> 00:22:08,689 - That's the... - Bob, I mean, I owe you. 423 00:22:08,721 --> 00:22:11,759 - I've made over $300 in your films. - Yeah. 424 00:22:11,791 --> 00:22:14,660 I'm very sorry. I've had a lot on my mind. 425 00:22:14,693 --> 00:22:16,696 Did I mention I'm getting a new Tesla? 426 00:22:22,102 --> 00:22:23,604 Okay, cut. 427 00:22:23,636 --> 00:22:25,214 Your commitment to physical comedy... 428 00:22:25,238 --> 00:22:26,840 my biggest concern wasn't, 429 00:22:26,873 --> 00:22:28,375 was it gonna work or if it was funny. 430 00:22:28,407 --> 00:22:29,886 It was if you were gonna hurt yourself. 431 00:22:29,910 --> 00:22:31,512 - Right, I did. - Yeah, you... 432 00:22:31,545 --> 00:22:34,181 I did hurt myself, like day one, scene one. 433 00:22:34,213 --> 00:22:36,082 Very good! 434 00:22:40,119 --> 00:22:41,587 A-a-a-ayyy-ayyyy! 435 00:22:41,621 --> 00:22:43,223 Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh! 436 00:22:43,256 --> 00:22:46,460 A-E-I-O-U, sometimes Y! Aaaaaaah! 437 00:22:46,492 --> 00:22:49,229 You actually blew out your shoes... 438 00:22:49,261 --> 00:22:51,264 - Oh, yeah. - ... like in less than an hour. 439 00:22:51,298 --> 00:22:53,433 They had to repair these, glue them back together. 440 00:22:53,466 --> 00:22:54,744 - He's hard on shoes. - He's hard on shoes. 441 00:23:00,673 --> 00:23:04,377 In "Patsy," when the time traveling happens, 442 00:23:04,411 --> 00:23:06,145 I like the color. 443 00:23:06,179 --> 00:23:07,422 Whatever you did was a good call 444 00:23:07,446 --> 00:23:09,816 'cause it does feel like it's from another time period... 445 00:23:09,849 --> 00:23:12,785 - Yeah. - ... without doing the tricks of being black and white. 446 00:23:14,253 --> 00:23:16,889 Yeah, it was a little bit of the sepia influence, 447 00:23:16,923 --> 00:23:19,559 but not so overboard to where it felt gimmicky. 448 00:23:19,593 --> 00:23:22,563 We also shot on vintage lenses from the '70s, 449 00:23:22,596 --> 00:23:23,730 - which was fun. - Right. 450 00:23:28,167 --> 00:23:30,636 I always wanted to do a time-traveling movie 451 00:23:30,670 --> 00:23:35,108 where the 55-year-old version of me... 452 00:23:35,141 --> 00:23:37,478 finds the 22-year-old version of me 453 00:23:37,510 --> 00:23:39,178 and tells him not to do "Police Academy." 454 00:23:39,212 --> 00:23:40,747 Why? 455 00:23:40,779 --> 00:23:43,416 'Cause... 456 00:23:43,450 --> 00:23:46,353 - So strangers wouldn't talk to me all the time and ask me... - Oh. 457 00:23:46,385 --> 00:23:48,489 "Did that guy really make those sound effects?" 458 00:23:48,521 --> 00:23:50,456 "Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2, Blart Happens." 459 00:23:50,490 --> 00:23:52,693 "Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2, Blart Happens." 460 00:23:52,725 --> 00:23:54,460 "Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2, Blart Happens." 461 00:23:54,493 --> 00:23:56,929 - Does that help at all? - Kind of, yeah. 462 00:23:56,962 --> 00:23:58,699 We were talking one day, and I said, 463 00:23:58,831 --> 00:24:01,234 "Bob, like, the last five, six films you did 464 00:24:01,266 --> 00:24:02,936 have a completely different genre. 465 00:24:02,968 --> 00:24:05,205 You did a documentary. You did a horror movie. 466 00:24:05,237 --> 00:24:06,706 You did a found-footage, you know... 467 00:24:06,739 --> 00:24:07,983 I said, "You should do a series, 468 00:24:08,007 --> 00:24:09,875 like a 'Twilight Zone' kind of thing," 469 00:24:09,908 --> 00:24:12,278 - and here you are, doing it. - Yeah. 470 00:24:12,312 --> 00:24:13,879 - I'm very proud of you, and I... - Well... 471 00:24:13,912 --> 00:24:16,816 I think maybe like 5% or something, you know? 472 00:24:16,850 --> 00:24:19,119 - It did sound like a kickback was coming. - Yeah. 473 00:24:19,151 --> 00:24:21,955 All right. "Misfits & Monsters." 474 00:24:21,987 --> 00:24:26,987 - Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -