_
I reopened the Jesse Ray Beaumont case
because my instincts told me it was Lavinia
who killed her brother Chet, and my instincts are never wrong.
Except when I thought Lavinia didn't kill her husband.
Murder. I got away with murder again.
And very recently when I thought she killed her brother Chet.
Here is my passport,
proving that I left for Spain the day before Chet died.
And that summer at camp I wore a mesh tank top.
Now that I'm defending Jesse Ray,
I need to do everything I can to serve my client.
Which is why I posted his bail
and agreed to let him live with me.
My instincts tell me he did not kill Chet.
They also tell me that I should get the hell out of here
before he wakes up.
Unh!
What the [bleep]
Prison 101.
If someone whispers, you get naked and tackle them.
What do we know?
It wasn't Lavinia and...
I have a splitting headache.
Anne, do you have any aspirin?
I'll see if I can find some.
When did this door get so tiny?
I have a condition called Alice in Wonderland Syndrome.
Sometimes I perceive size distortions
that make things seem bigger or smaller than they really are.
Sometimes my husband likes it...
and sometimes he really hates it.
Good morning, everyone.
I found a quarter on my way to work.
Today is off to a "suspicious" start.
What's going on, Dwayne?
That's not Dwayne.
He's using big words,
he smells like fancier bologna, and he's wearing shoelaces.
Dwayne always trips on shoelaces.
It's me.
Since I found out I'm a Peck, I eat right,
I talk good, and I wear big-boy shoes.
But I digest.
30 years ago, Lavinia had an affair with my daddy.
The result of that intersex
was a baby that was taken away from her.
We think that baby was mine truly,
which explains the mystery branch on my family tree.
You need to be careful, Dwayne.
I don't want your relationship affecting our work.
I need everyone at their best.
Amen. This is to wash down the aspirin.
Hey, I'm still the same Dwayne, okay?
We're still the dream team.
We will rise from the ashes like the mythical penis.
credits
Today is the preliminary hearing,
where the judge determines
if there's enough evidence to go to trial.
The good news is, Jesse Ray's first conviction
was built completely on DNA evidence that I got thrown out.
I am doing quite well.
I had a slight case of "labor," but I fought it off.
No further questions. [Bleep]
My doctor recommended bed rest, but I am not concerned.
It's nothing I cannot work through.
Hello... Mama.
Until we're sure you fruited from my loom,
call me Maybe-Mama, just to be safe.
Am I his mother?
I did spawn a Reed, so I suppose it's possible,
though this one is a foot taller than any Peck in history,
and he does smell like what I imagine bologna smells like.
Still, it will be nice to use my maternal instincts.
Won't it, Fluffy?
Won't it? Won't it?! Won't it?!
All rise.
Your Honor, since the DNA evidence linking my client
to the victim has been thrown out,
the defense requests that charges be dropped
and he please, God, be released to his own custody.
The People will prove the defendant and the victim
had a sexual relationship,
which Jesse Ray used to blackmail Chet.
When Chet stopped paying the hush money,
Jesse Ray strangled him.
My relationship with Chet was purely intellectual.
We would probe deep in the anals of each other's minds,
stroke each other's egos,
cup each other's cerebellums --
Objection! Misleading wordplay.
This is a note Jesse Ray wrote to the victim.
I warn you, it is graphic in nature.
"Chet, I put my lawnmower in your shed."
"Yours, Jesse Ray."
Dear Lord! I hope you're dressed warm for your trip to Hell!
Maybe-Mama!
Jesse Ray did yardwork for Chet.
We all know what "yardwork" is.
We all know what "lawnmower" is.
And sadly, we all know what "shed" is.
Your Honor, the People are trying to conjure up
a fictional story because they have no evidence.
The People would like to submit into evidence
Mr. Beaumont's bank passbook.
Passbook? Who uses a passbook?
East Peck banks used passbooks up until the SNL Crisis of 2011.
That was a painful season of "Saturday Night Live."
For many here, the Kristen Wiig character
with the tiny hands just hit too close to home.
Hey, Dwayne!
Hey, Jeb.
This passbook shows that Chet made monthly deposits of $3,000
into an account in Jesse Ray's name.
When the payments stopped, he viciously murdered Chet Peck.
I'll never forget where I was.
I was in Barthelona, headed to Ibitha,
to drink thangria when I heard the newth.
How come none of this evidence
was presented at the initial trial?
Your client signed a confession before it was entered.
The confession was in discovery you should've received
from your client's former counsel, Dr. Peter Rock N' Law.
? Dr. Rock N' Law ?
Previous counsel smoked the discovery.
We are going to trial.
Again.
Unh!
Ohh! What the [bleep]
I wasn't whispering!
I'm sorry, but you just looked so weak in court.
My prison instincts took over.
I got too emotionally involved
with both my former clients.
Larry was like a father to me.
Lavinia was like... your mom's best friend
who comes over day-drunk in a towel when your mom's not home.
The only difference is, I didn't lose my virginity to Lavinia
like I did to Mrs. Morgenstern.
Don't use her name.
_
Good news is, zero chance
I'm getting emotionally involved with that guy.
You are [bleep] killing me!
Why in the world are you getting so beat up about this?
I cannot help you if you don't tell me
about the money Chet gave you.
Well, I'd love to, but I never, never, ever talk about money,
nor do I talk about my relationship with Chet.
It is nothing personal. I just don't trust lawyers.
You also don't trust squirrels.
I sure do trust squirrels.
Even though my own client won't talk to me,
I still have an obligation to build a case for him.
So Dwayne and I are going to go meet
two of Jesse Ray's closest friends
who were supposed to be called
as character witnesses in the first trial.
Their names are...
Oh, no, that can't be right.
-Mr. Boom? -That's me.
You must be the lawyer.
-Lawyer! -Don't mind Echo.
Took a few too many cannonballs in the head,
if you know what I mean.
I'm assuming you mean "one."
One!
Make sure your wallet's velcroed.
These people are very sketchy.
Dwayne! Look at your shoes!
Ain't you afraid of tripping over them laces?
-Laces! -Hello, Neil.
Eric.
Now that I'm half Peck,
I need to associate with a -- a higher calendar of people.
As such, I'm going to meet my Maybe-Mama for brunch.
Which I assume is bread dipped in punch.
The prosecution has a passbook
that shows Jesse Ray making withdrawals from a bank --
I'm gonna stop you right there.
If you have a passbook from Jesse Ray, it's a fake.
Fake!
If there's one thing he didn't trust, it's banks.
If there's two things he didn't trust --
I know -- squirrels.
Oh, no, he trusts squirrels.
They're everywhere.
Everywhere!
Thank you for your time.
Uh, wait, wait.
Jesse Ray's a complicated individual.
The only person he ever trusted besides Chet is me.
-Me! -And him.
Him!
Look, if it'll help Jesse Ray,
I'll tell you everything I know.
Right after my set.
Great. Thank you.
So, how long have you known Mr. Boom?
Crowd: Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom!
And this is our murder board.
It's so interesting.
Maybe-Mama insisted we do brunch at my office.
? Murder board, murder board, murder board ?
I do that, too. That must be generic.
I must take some pictures of it.
Never had a parent show any interest in my work.
My daddy was too busy riding the Tractor.
The Tractor is what we called our neighbor
'cause she plowed everything.
Just slide a little to the right.
A little slidey-slide.
Two more big-boy steps.
In fact, come stand behind me, dear.
? Murder board ?
Oh, shoot, I blinked.
I got it.
Two things came out of Mr. Boom -- part of his colon
and the news that Jesse Ray would never have a bank account.
Now, Carol Anne Keane's case hinges on this passbook,
so we need to prove it's a fake.
Everyone in town knows that if you need fake documents,
you go see "Forge Clooney."
Mr. Clooney.
What can I get you? Ice-cream sundae?
Soft serve? State I.D.?
Josh has some questions for you,
so I'm going to help myself to a sample cup of yogurt.
Can you tell if this passbook is a fraud?
Whoa. We don't use the F word around here.
I do custom artisanal forgery.
Well, isn't that also an F word?
Get the [bleep] out of my shop.
I did not mean to insult your craft, Forge.
Thin paper, spelling errors galore...
Yep, this is the real deal.
East Peck Savings and Loan.
There's no way you can be wrong?
Any forgeries in this town come through me,
and that is not my work.
Let me know if you ever need a passport or driver's license.
I'm just gonna take the sample cup to-go.
It was Jesse Ray's bank account,
so he was taking money from Chet.
Maybe he is guilty.
I took this case
because I already helped set one murderer free.
I can't make that same mistake again.
So...
I think the best thing for everybody
is to strike a plea deal.
And I'm hoping Carol Anne Keane
will see eye-to-eye with me on this.
Not a chance.
You tried to get me a plea deal?
Man, you are just like my last lawyer!
Except without the sick guitar riffs.
? Rock N' Law ?
I am not like Dr. Rock N' Law.
You're right.
At least Dr. Rock N' Law didn't pretend to give a crap!
All I do is give a crap!
That's my problem!
That's why I'm in this crap situation
on a crap case with a crap client!
-You think I'm crap? -I didn't mean it that way.
Well, guess what.
I think you're a crap lawyer.
Okay. I know you didn't mean tha--
I do. You're fired!
I'll see you at home.
It was never gonna work out with me and Jesse Ray.
My quitting was the best move for both of us.
Well, technically, you got fired.
But it was an emotional response.
It was like what happened with Barbara Morgenstern.
I was gonna break up with her.
She went back to her husband. It happens.
Then you get in a fight with Mr. Morgenstern
on the front lawn, dad comes over to break it up.
Mom starts crying 'cause she lost her best friend.
It happens! Then you move to Massapequa.
What is going on right now, dude?
I'm upset because I've never been fired before.
The case is unwinnable.
All your cases are unwinnable.
And yet you keep winning.
I think that's sexy.
There are other ways to be sexy.
Look, I know you'll do the right thing.
I also know Jesse Ray's current lawyer is much worse than you.
This court was built on lies.
And an ancient Chicora burial ground.
I will now howl like the Chicora once did.
A-oooo!
Jesse Ray's on his own. We're moving on.
Unless you guys think that maybe we should,
like, still try and help Jesse Ray?
If I wanted to be in charge, I'd open my own law firm
instead of half-assing it around here.
Guys, I need your help.
I mean, I-I really don't know what to do.
I-I-I feel like I've lost perspective.
We can start with whatever was in that gigantic crater hole.
That's a thumbtack hole.
What was here before?
You could ask Lavinia.
She took pictures of everything in the office.
Dwayne, this is why I told you not to trust Lavinia.
She stole evidence!
Hey, watch what you say about Maybe-Mama.
You need to use better judgment.
Well, look who's calling the kettle corn!
Fired or not, I have to at least try to do the right thing.
And if Jesse Ray won't talk to me, then I have to follow
the one lead that could blow this whole thing wide open.
Mr. Boom, Jesse Ray is in real trouble, so don't lie to me.
I know that his passbook is real
and that he was getting money from Chet.
Why would he need money from Chet?
Jesse Ray was loaded. -Loaded!
What are you talking about?
Jesse Ray doesn't have a pot to piss in.
Since I hid my pots.
Before he went away, Jesse Ray gave us $3,000 a month.
He said it was from doing "yardwork,"
and we never questioned it
because we know what yardwork means.
-[Bleep] jobs! -Echo, no!
He was doing actual yardwork.
And he was giving you guys everything he earned.
That's the kind of guy Jesse Ray was.
Wow. I was way off about him.
Most people are.
In fact, we want to hire you to represent him.
We can pay.
My quote is zero dollars.
How's 20 grand cash?
Seriously?
Yep. It's left over from Jesse Ray.
That money was for medical expenses,
but we stayed fit as fiddles.
-Fiddles! -Got it on me.
I can pay you after my set.
See, Echo, the lesson here is, always trust your--
Wait. Did he say "on him"?
Turns out money was not a motive.
This case is still probably unwinnable,
but, hey, that's where I shine.
Hopefully, Jesse Ray didn't do too much damage
in the one day he represented himself.
What's that? Who's there?
Uh, it's Josh. Where is everyone?
Oh. You missed it. Jesse Ray was amazing.
He got the whole case thrown out.
You are kidding me.
Of course I'm kidding you. He's a loon.
Two minutes into his manifesto,
he got arrested for contempt of court.
That lasted longer than I thought.
Why are you still here?
My intern had a torts class,
and the jackass left the emergency brake on.
I don't think he likes me. -I don't see why.
You're delightful. -Shut up.
Why are you here? I heard you got fired.
Unclear. And Jesse Ray needs me.
Oh, my God, you are such a sucker.
You think you know me so well, but --
Ohh! My back is seizing up. Oh, it's seizing up.
Where? Here? In here?
Suckaaaaa.
Goodbye.
Oh, wait, wait, wait. Please, for reals.
I'm in immense pain, and that felt so good.
Move over.
You sure your lover won't mind?
Barbara is not my lover! It was 15 years ago.
Plus, my mom heard in temple that she's drinking again.
That is Sam's problem now. -Who the hell is Barbara?
Oh, you meant Nina.
Yeah. Yeah, Nina's cool.
She knows that my relationship with you is --
is strictly professional.
It is. Now flip over.
I'm big spoon.
Just sit still. Sit. Sit.
Too tight. I can't breathe!
You're a Peck. Breathe through your nose.
Whoa. That's a game changer.
You going somewhere, Maybe-Mama?
Oh, I'm going to leave the country for a little bit.
I did get you this little tie pin to wear,
so you can think of me.
A tie pin?
Thank you.
Oh! This is how you keep your laces tied.
Be smarter.
Wear this with pride.
Like a Peck.
So, should I look after Peck Gardens while you're gone?
No.
-Why? -No.
Why? No.
-Why? Why? Why? -No. No. No.
Stop it, stop it, stop it!
I'm going to say something in a way
that will probably destroy you.
There is no chance you're a Peck.
This whole thing was a ruse.
Now, help me with my bags, dear.
What are you talking about?
I don't know what primordial, twisted gene pool
you oozed from, but it certainly wasn't Peck.
What are you saying?
My son was sent away when he was a baby.
You are not Trig.
You are 100%, unadulterated, pure Reed!
Well, I disagree to disagree!
Whoa!
Oh [bleep]
I'm sorry.
You are not a crap client,
and this is not a crap case.
Apology accepted.
And I'm obviously not a crap lawyer.
Sure.
Anyway, thank you for believing in me.
Let's get you home, huh?
Actually, I, uh -- I'm gonna stay.
I like it here. There are boundaries.
People don't freak out if you tackle them naked.
All right. Well, be careful.
I'll be fine. They can take away my freedom,
but they can never take away what's in here.
[ Whispering ] A thousand bees.
It was just nice to think my name finally meant something,
instead of just a cinnamon for doodie.
Dwayne, stop it. There will be plenty of time
to feel bad after Jesse Ray is executed.
Jesse Ray is not going to be executed.
Probably.
So, what do we have?
Two sketchy character witnesses,
a suspect that wasn't even in the country...
Hey.
What happened to the copy of Lavinia's passport?
That's what Lavinia took.
It's as plain as the giant nose on your face.
-Wow. -No, it's okay.
She has this Alice in Wonderland thing.
Right.
Well, we need another copy of that passport.
Well, will the original do?
You stole Lavinia's passport?
I skinned my elbow pretty bad when I tripped on my laces.
I just grabbed something to stop the bleeding.
Just doing my job, I guess.
Why would Lavinia take the copy of her passport?
That's her alibi, that she was out of the country.
She left East Peck on Saturday, November 15, 2008.
-That's impossible. -Yeah.
"13 days has November, April, May, Ate December --"
I lost it.
There was no Saturday, November 15th that year.
I remember because I had to cancel
my daughter's birthday party
because Mickey Moose didn't see his breath.
Which means that Saturday
would've been replaced by a second Friday --
And I really need to get out of this town.
If there was no Saturday, then this stamp is a fake.
Let me know if you ever need a passport.
Lavinia was in town.
She had something to do with this murder!
I knew it! My instincts are never wrong!
And the best part is, a Reed is going to take down a Peck.
Who's breathing through whose nose now?!
Murder board! Murder board!
credits