1 00:00:04,238 --> 00:00:06,113 Previously on The Affair... 2 00:00:06,114 --> 00:00:08,841 Uh, hi. I'm Alison. 3 00:00:08,842 --> 00:00:10,034 Ben. 4 00:00:10,035 --> 00:00:12,845 Yeah, when I got back from my second tour, I was a disaster. 5 00:00:12,846 --> 00:00:15,664 And I, uh, had a hard time being... 6 00:00:16,701 --> 00:00:17,850 ...being intimate. 7 00:00:17,851 --> 00:00:19,367 Oh. 8 00:00:20,463 --> 00:00:22,322 It's pretty interesting stuff, huh? 9 00:00:22,323 --> 00:00:23,782 You scared me. 10 00:00:23,783 --> 00:00:25,290 You can't just sneak up on people 11 00:00:25,291 --> 00:00:27,568 at a conference about posttraumatic stress. 12 00:00:27,569 --> 00:00:30,596 Sorry, uh, I didn't realize I was that scary. 13 00:00:30,597 --> 00:00:32,264 We should meet up all over the country 14 00:00:32,265 --> 00:00:34,015 at different PTSD conferences. 15 00:00:37,437 --> 00:00:39,470 Are you having fun yet? 16 00:00:39,471 --> 00:00:40,850 What's that face? 17 00:00:40,851 --> 00:00:42,402 You amaze me. 18 00:00:44,177 --> 00:00:45,769 I'm looking for Ben Cruz. 19 00:00:45,770 --> 00:00:47,205 He is actually at a lunch meeting, 20 00:00:47,206 --> 00:00:48,864 but he'll be back any minute. 21 00:00:48,865 --> 00:00:51,342 Mrs. Cruz, what are you doing? 22 00:00:51,343 --> 00:00:53,119 Please, let me help you with that. 23 00:00:53,120 --> 00:00:54,345 Mrs. Cruz, please. 24 00:00:54,346 --> 00:00:56,054 I insist. Let me do that. 25 00:00:56,055 --> 00:00:58,355 A lush. I love it. 26 00:00:58,356 --> 00:00:59,977 No, I just had a terrible day. 27 00:00:59,978 --> 00:01:02,980 Have you ever heard of the, uh, mile-high club? 28 00:01:03,855 --> 00:01:05,539 I can't sit back down there, okay? 29 00:01:05,540 --> 00:01:07,080 - He tried to kiss me. - Calm down, ma'am. 30 00:01:07,081 --> 00:01:08,450 - This is a misunderstanding. - I need you to calm down. 31 00:01:08,451 --> 00:01:09,583 Stop touching me! 32 00:01:09,584 --> 00:01:11,802 Noah? Hi. 33 00:01:11,803 --> 00:01:14,071 She just started freaking out on the highway. 34 00:01:14,072 --> 00:01:15,683 I didn't know where else to bring her. 35 00:01:15,684 --> 00:01:17,086 What about you? You seeing anybody? 36 00:01:17,087 --> 00:01:18,907 I was. He's married. 37 00:01:18,908 --> 00:01:21,324 Alison, you have so much time. 38 00:01:21,325 --> 00:01:22,662 You could have a second act. 39 00:01:22,663 --> 00:01:24,242 You could do whatever you want to do. 40 00:01:24,710 --> 00:01:25,960 But if you want to change your life, 41 00:01:25,961 --> 00:01:27,413 you have to do it now. 42 00:02:36,006 --> 00:02:42,006 Sync and corrections by btsix www.addic7ed.com 43 00:02:46,279 --> 00:02:49,170 _ 44 00:04:20,977 --> 00:04:21,977 Hi. 45 00:04:22,932 --> 00:04:23,932 Hi. 46 00:04:25,271 --> 00:04:26,625 It's good to see you. 47 00:04:27,406 --> 00:04:29,524 Um, can I come in? 48 00:04:32,329 --> 00:04:34,529 Uh, yeah, yeah, of course. Um... 49 00:04:56,701 --> 00:04:58,352 It's beautiful here. 50 00:04:59,514 --> 00:05:00,830 Thank you. 51 00:05:00,831 --> 00:05:01,837 So... 52 00:05:02,435 --> 00:05:04,040 Where'd you go? 53 00:05:04,554 --> 00:05:05,722 What do you mean? 54 00:05:05,723 --> 00:05:07,143 Last week. 55 00:05:07,144 --> 00:05:08,642 Thought we had a date. 56 00:05:10,439 --> 00:05:11,478 I... 57 00:05:12,567 --> 00:05:13,887 It's for you. 58 00:05:14,519 --> 00:05:15,719 Thank you. 59 00:05:15,720 --> 00:05:17,020 Um, do you want to sit? 60 00:05:17,021 --> 00:05:18,722 I need to talk to you about something. 61 00:05:18,723 --> 00:05:21,238 Actually, um, can I say something first? 62 00:05:22,758 --> 00:05:23,915 Okay. 63 00:05:26,569 --> 00:05:27,786 I'm married. 64 00:05:32,446 --> 00:05:34,429 - Okay. - I didn't tell you. 65 00:05:35,823 --> 00:05:38,284 Uh, no, you didn't. 66 00:05:38,285 --> 00:05:40,490 I was afraid you wouldn't want to see me again. 67 00:05:40,491 --> 00:05:41,709 Well, you're right. 68 00:05:44,219 --> 00:05:45,512 But I already know. 69 00:05:47,362 --> 00:05:48,582 I found out. 70 00:05:50,104 --> 00:05:51,354 How? 71 00:05:53,290 --> 00:05:55,295 I went to see you at your office. 72 00:05:55,296 --> 00:05:57,025 Your wife was there. 73 00:05:57,026 --> 00:05:58,043 Heidi? 74 00:05:58,044 --> 00:05:59,044 Mm-hmm. 75 00:06:01,349 --> 00:06:03,056 Okay. Um... 76 00:06:03,057 --> 00:06:04,458 Did you speak to her? 77 00:06:04,459 --> 00:06:05,666 It doesn't matter. 78 00:06:07,921 --> 00:06:09,945 - You lied to me. - I know. 79 00:06:09,946 --> 00:06:11,865 I told you everything about myself. 80 00:06:12,481 --> 00:06:14,183 - I told you about my son. - I know. 81 00:06:14,184 --> 00:06:15,750 - I know, and I'm sorry. - That's it? 82 00:06:15,751 --> 00:06:17,186 That's all you have to say? 83 00:06:17,187 --> 00:06:18,987 I have a lot to say. Do you want to sit? 84 00:06:18,988 --> 00:06:20,589 - No. - Okay. 85 00:06:20,590 --> 00:06:23,407 Well, um, this might take a while. 86 00:06:23,408 --> 00:06:24,694 I've been rehearsing this for days, 87 00:06:24,695 --> 00:06:26,395 but I realize I may never see you again, 88 00:06:26,396 --> 00:06:27,712 so I'm gonna say everything. 89 00:06:29,816 --> 00:06:30,957 Okay. 90 00:06:48,327 --> 00:06:49,691 So, uh... 91 00:06:53,165 --> 00:06:54,572 I left my wife today. 92 00:06:55,258 --> 00:06:57,391 - I don't believe you. - I did. I can show you 93 00:06:57,392 --> 00:06:58,826 the angry text messages I've been getting, 94 00:06:58,827 --> 00:06:59,977 if that would help. 95 00:07:03,565 --> 00:07:05,283 Our marriage is done. 96 00:07:06,752 --> 00:07:08,985 I should have left a long time ago, but... 97 00:07:10,055 --> 00:07:11,604 I said it was for the kids, 98 00:07:11,605 --> 00:07:13,099 but it wasn't for the kids. 99 00:07:14,125 --> 00:07:16,376 I just didn't want to fail at something else. 100 00:07:17,062 --> 00:07:18,312 And then I met you. 101 00:07:18,313 --> 00:07:20,113 I wanted to tell you. 102 00:07:20,114 --> 00:07:23,067 I-I tried to tell you, but... 103 00:07:23,068 --> 00:07:24,751 I knew, if I did, you'd just walk away 104 00:07:24,752 --> 00:07:26,286 and I'd never see you again, 105 00:07:26,287 --> 00:07:28,323 and I couldn't make myself say the words. 106 00:07:31,176 --> 00:07:34,211 You are literally the woman of my dreams. 107 00:07:35,680 --> 00:07:37,430 I know it's not the perfect situation, 108 00:07:37,431 --> 00:07:39,866 but I came here tonight just hoping that maybe 109 00:07:39,867 --> 00:07:42,571 we can start again with no more secrets. 110 00:07:55,679 --> 00:07:56,858 I'm Ben. 111 00:07:57,527 --> 00:07:59,552 I recently separated from my wife, 112 00:07:59,553 --> 00:08:02,007 and I have two boys... 113 00:08:02,816 --> 00:08:04,776 Bodhi and Gabriel. 114 00:08:07,237 --> 00:08:08,710 Gabriel? 115 00:08:14,601 --> 00:08:15,879 Gabriel? 116 00:08:16,663 --> 00:08:18,623 Right. Okay. 117 00:08:19,689 --> 00:08:21,706 Uh... 118 00:08:21,707 --> 00:08:23,040 how old? 119 00:08:23,041 --> 00:08:24,642 Bodhi's six, and... 120 00:08:24,643 --> 00:08:25,710 Gabriel's a year. 121 00:08:25,711 --> 00:08:26,728 - Ben. - Look, I know. 122 00:08:26,729 --> 00:08:28,413 I know it sounds bad. 123 00:08:28,414 --> 00:08:30,915 My wife and I, we talked already. 124 00:08:30,916 --> 00:08:32,483 Look, we agreed, this isn't the life 125 00:08:32,484 --> 00:08:33,918 that either of us wants. 126 00:08:33,919 --> 00:08:35,853 And we'd be happier with other people. 127 00:08:35,854 --> 00:08:38,406 We'll be better parents to our boys. 128 00:08:40,229 --> 00:08:41,521 I love you. 129 00:08:43,746 --> 00:08:45,508 That's what I came here to say. 130 00:08:49,379 --> 00:08:50,790 Say something. 131 00:08:52,588 --> 00:08:54,909 Thank you for finally telling me. 132 00:08:55,373 --> 00:08:57,374 - That's it? - What do you want me to say? 133 00:08:57,375 --> 00:08:58,475 I don't know, uh... 134 00:08:58,476 --> 00:08:59,719 you forgive me. 135 00:08:59,720 --> 00:09:02,000 - Doesn't matter. You love me, too. - Oh, it does matter. 136 00:09:03,068 --> 00:09:04,401 And I don't forgive you. 137 00:09:04,402 --> 00:09:06,245 And how can I tell you I love you? 138 00:09:06,246 --> 00:09:07,938 I don't even know you. 139 00:09:07,939 --> 00:09:09,957 Mmm. Yeah. 140 00:09:11,360 --> 00:09:12,626 Right. 141 00:09:19,435 --> 00:09:20,497 Wait. 142 00:09:22,471 --> 00:09:24,838 I have something I want to say to you, too. 143 00:09:25,656 --> 00:09:26,689 Okay. 144 00:09:26,690 --> 00:09:28,323 - You're a shit. - I know. 145 00:09:28,324 --> 00:09:29,555 You treated me badly. 146 00:09:29,556 --> 00:09:30,825 I did. 147 00:09:30,826 --> 00:09:32,459 I was honest with you. 148 00:09:32,460 --> 00:09:33,907 I told you who I am. 149 00:09:34,724 --> 00:09:35,901 I didn't lie to you. 150 00:09:35,902 --> 00:09:37,264 You lied to me. 151 00:09:37,265 --> 00:09:38,308 Yeah. 152 00:09:38,941 --> 00:09:40,021 Why? 153 00:09:40,480 --> 00:09:41,815 I screwed up. 154 00:09:43,656 --> 00:09:45,085 I'm weak. 155 00:09:47,352 --> 00:09:50,887 Ben, I am sorry you broke up with your wife. 156 00:09:52,398 --> 00:09:55,182 I am sorry, most of all, for your kids. 157 00:09:55,183 --> 00:09:57,132 And I am sorry that you and I 158 00:09:57,719 --> 00:10:01,605 never had a chance to see where this could go. 159 00:10:02,888 --> 00:10:04,821 Because I really liked you. 160 00:10:06,144 --> 00:10:08,027 And I haven't felt this way about anyone 161 00:10:08,028 --> 00:10:09,879 in a really long time. 162 00:10:11,717 --> 00:10:12,987 But I am done 163 00:10:13,934 --> 00:10:16,032 being the woman you lie to your wife about. 164 00:10:17,004 --> 00:10:20,106 I have lived this entire story before, 165 00:10:20,107 --> 00:10:21,775 and it doesn't end well, 166 00:10:21,776 --> 00:10:24,813 and I couldn't go through with it again, 167 00:10:24,814 --> 00:10:26,751 even if I wanted to. 168 00:10:30,048 --> 00:10:31,422 Do you understand? 169 00:10:32,782 --> 00:10:34,659 Of course I understand. 170 00:10:42,351 --> 00:10:44,297 Um... should I... 171 00:10:44,298 --> 00:10:46,432 should I let myself out, or, uh... 172 00:10:46,433 --> 00:10:47,605 Yeah. 173 00:10:48,781 --> 00:10:49,984 Guess you should. 174 00:10:57,949 --> 00:10:59,768 You should get someone to fix that. 175 00:11:00,480 --> 00:11:01,881 Yeah, I know. 176 00:11:01,882 --> 00:11:03,349 Called the plumber a couple of times. 177 00:11:03,350 --> 00:11:05,039 Just keeps standing me up. 178 00:11:07,433 --> 00:11:10,753 I mean, I can fix it for you right now if you want. 179 00:11:15,338 --> 00:11:16,445 Or not. 180 00:11:16,878 --> 00:11:18,263 No. 181 00:11:18,264 --> 00:11:19,781 Um... 182 00:11:20,985 --> 00:11:22,550 Thank you. 183 00:11:50,246 --> 00:11:51,528 - Ah. - That's it. 184 00:11:51,529 --> 00:11:52,629 Oh. 185 00:11:52,630 --> 00:11:55,032 Seems like an old sink. 186 00:11:55,033 --> 00:11:57,325 I might as well just get under there and tighten it up. 187 00:12:06,629 --> 00:12:08,788 Thank you so much for doing this. 188 00:12:08,789 --> 00:12:10,314 Yeah. No problem. 189 00:12:10,315 --> 00:12:11,865 This is fun for me. 190 00:12:15,405 --> 00:12:18,672 I-I could make you some dinner, you know, before you go. 191 00:12:21,376 --> 00:12:22,743 Okay. 192 00:12:28,884 --> 00:12:30,283 Uh... 193 00:12:31,393 --> 00:12:34,003 Well, I have some eggs or... 194 00:12:35,707 --> 00:12:37,841 Uh... 195 00:12:37,842 --> 00:12:39,376 Uh, what are you doing? 196 00:12:39,377 --> 00:12:41,812 I'm going to make us something. Yeah. 197 00:12:41,813 --> 00:12:43,680 Well, no, I-I offered to make you dinner. 198 00:12:43,681 --> 00:12:45,015 Yeah, and I appreciated that offer. 199 00:12:45,016 --> 00:12:47,017 Now, um, give me some space. 200 00:12:47,018 --> 00:12:48,652 Go pour yourself a glass of wine. 201 00:12:48,653 --> 00:12:49,802 Relax. 202 00:13:55,342 --> 00:13:57,236 Your wife is very beautiful. 203 00:14:02,743 --> 00:14:04,425 Yeah. 204 00:14:04,426 --> 00:14:06,077 She's definitely that. 205 00:14:09,777 --> 00:14:12,077 Did you really end it with her? 206 00:14:13,786 --> 00:14:15,063 I swear. 207 00:14:19,325 --> 00:14:21,159 Did you tell her about me? 208 00:14:22,195 --> 00:14:23,221 No. 209 00:14:24,026 --> 00:14:25,515 That just seemed cruel. 210 00:14:27,935 --> 00:14:29,198 What did you say? 211 00:14:32,705 --> 00:14:33,890 I said... 212 00:14:34,422 --> 00:14:37,652 I didn't love her anymore, and... 213 00:14:38,359 --> 00:14:40,630 she said she didn't love me anymore, either. 214 00:14:51,591 --> 00:14:54,025 Why? What happened between you two? 215 00:14:56,862 --> 00:14:58,528 I, uh... 216 00:15:00,666 --> 00:15:02,332 I went to war. 217 00:15:06,058 --> 00:15:07,393 I just... 218 00:15:08,640 --> 00:15:09,839 Changed me. 219 00:15:11,276 --> 00:15:13,532 I don't know how to describe it any better than that. 220 00:15:15,091 --> 00:15:18,130 And Heidi, she was raised by a single mom 221 00:15:18,131 --> 00:15:20,086 who couldn't make the rent, and, uh... 222 00:15:20,701 --> 00:15:22,655 she basically grew up in a car. 223 00:15:23,579 --> 00:15:26,150 She wanted a man, you know... Capital "M." 224 00:15:26,576 --> 00:15:29,287 Someone to take care of her, 225 00:15:30,010 --> 00:15:32,444 be strong, make money, 226 00:15:32,445 --> 00:15:34,230 tell her she was pretty. 227 00:15:38,169 --> 00:15:40,469 She just didn't want to have to worry anymore. 228 00:15:44,789 --> 00:15:46,789 That's who she thought she married. 229 00:15:48,238 --> 00:15:50,241 That's who we both thought I was. 230 00:15:52,916 --> 00:15:54,450 What changed? 231 00:15:59,223 --> 00:16:00,877 It was my, uh... 232 00:16:01,408 --> 00:16:04,255 second combat tour in Afghanistan, and... 233 00:16:05,044 --> 00:16:07,179 I'd been deployed for 12 months, 234 00:16:07,180 --> 00:16:10,032 which is a ridiculous amount of time. 235 00:16:11,068 --> 00:16:12,751 And one day, we ran out of fuel 236 00:16:12,752 --> 00:16:14,886 for the generator on our base, and, uh... 237 00:16:14,887 --> 00:16:17,823 I took out a Humvee with a few of the guys from my platoon. 238 00:16:17,824 --> 00:16:20,237 It was just supposed to be a simple resupply mission, but... 239 00:16:20,238 --> 00:16:21,759 we'd been given the wrong information, 240 00:16:21,760 --> 00:16:23,107 and when we got there... 241 00:16:25,615 --> 00:16:27,612 ...the fuel didn't exist. 242 00:16:30,053 --> 00:16:32,274 So we had to return empty-handed 243 00:16:32,275 --> 00:16:33,938 on the same road we had traveled that morning, 244 00:16:33,939 --> 00:16:36,746 which is a stupid and dangerous thing to do. 245 00:16:37,243 --> 00:16:39,844 I just had two weeks left on my tour, 246 00:16:39,845 --> 00:16:42,247 and all I could think about was getting home to Heidi, 247 00:16:42,248 --> 00:16:43,586 a bath, 248 00:16:44,216 --> 00:16:45,983 a beer on our deck, 249 00:16:46,714 --> 00:16:47,885 putting Bodhi to sleep 250 00:16:47,886 --> 00:16:50,551 and, uh, taking her clothes off and, uh... 251 00:16:52,275 --> 00:16:53,375 Sorry. 252 00:16:54,122 --> 00:16:55,392 No. 253 00:16:55,393 --> 00:16:56,675 I understand. 254 00:17:02,050 --> 00:17:03,717 Anyway, um... 255 00:17:05,416 --> 00:17:06,603 Out of the corner of my eye, 256 00:17:06,604 --> 00:17:09,028 I could see these kids watching us 257 00:17:09,720 --> 00:17:11,575 from the door of a building, and... 258 00:17:11,576 --> 00:17:13,824 It used to be a school, but we bombed it. 259 00:17:14,308 --> 00:17:15,810 And, uh... 260 00:17:18,062 --> 00:17:19,647 My stomach just fell 261 00:17:20,982 --> 00:17:23,553 because I had seen those same kids on the way out, 262 00:17:23,554 --> 00:17:25,670 and here they were again waiting for us. 263 00:17:29,498 --> 00:17:34,230 I just begged, "God, Jesus, Mary, just let us pass. 264 00:17:34,231 --> 00:17:37,265 Keep those kids in the fucking rubble." 265 00:17:39,874 --> 00:17:41,252 One of them... 266 00:17:42,573 --> 00:17:44,255 he was tall. 267 00:17:44,609 --> 00:17:46,841 Had to be 13 or 14. 268 00:17:48,464 --> 00:17:50,814 Sure enough, he came running towards us 269 00:17:50,815 --> 00:17:53,016 with what looked like a weapon. 270 00:17:53,017 --> 00:17:55,866 And he raised it, and I realized it was an RPG. 271 00:17:57,059 --> 00:17:58,355 Before he could pull the trigger, 272 00:17:58,356 --> 00:17:59,789 I pulled mine, and... 273 00:17:59,790 --> 00:18:01,308 he fell. 274 00:18:04,445 --> 00:18:05,962 You killed him? 275 00:18:05,963 --> 00:18:07,233 Yeah. 276 00:18:11,732 --> 00:18:14,468 His weapon wasn't real. 277 00:18:16,073 --> 00:18:17,244 What do you mean? 278 00:18:19,890 --> 00:18:22,045 "RPG" stands for "rocket-propelled grenade." 279 00:18:22,046 --> 00:18:23,980 It's like a gun that shoots a grenade. 280 00:18:23,981 --> 00:18:25,223 And, uh... 281 00:18:27,630 --> 00:18:29,551 Well, the one he was holding, it wasn't... 282 00:18:30,054 --> 00:18:31,969 didn't have a grenade attached. 283 00:18:34,375 --> 00:18:35,555 It was old. 284 00:18:36,192 --> 00:18:37,934 It was essentially a toy. 285 00:18:41,748 --> 00:18:44,674 What, you killed an unarmed kid? 286 00:18:45,220 --> 00:18:46,263 Yeah. 287 00:18:46,836 --> 00:18:48,711 Where do you... where do you keep your plates? 288 00:18:52,986 --> 00:18:54,283 Uh, um... 289 00:18:55,535 --> 00:18:56,744 just here. 290 00:19:47,913 --> 00:19:50,022 So that's what you walk around with? 291 00:19:50,464 --> 00:19:51,674 Every day? 292 00:20:00,158 --> 00:20:02,143 When I got back home... 293 00:20:04,963 --> 00:20:06,772 I couldn't stand Heidi anymore. 294 00:20:10,535 --> 00:20:12,435 It wasn't her fault. It just... 295 00:20:13,335 --> 00:20:15,322 The way she looked at me. 296 00:20:16,689 --> 00:20:18,534 The way she needed me. 297 00:20:24,548 --> 00:20:26,348 One night, I, uh... 298 00:20:28,685 --> 00:20:30,813 I got wasted, and... 299 00:20:31,897 --> 00:20:33,672 I tied her to the bed on her stomach 300 00:20:33,673 --> 00:20:35,724 so I wouldn't have to look at her face. 301 00:20:40,196 --> 00:20:41,699 I wouldn't let her go. 302 00:20:43,467 --> 00:20:45,700 Not even when Bodhi started to cry. 303 00:21:03,353 --> 00:21:06,521 I got clean soon after that, and, uh... 304 00:21:07,631 --> 00:21:09,764 I haven't touched a drink since. 305 00:21:10,993 --> 00:21:12,860 I haven't touched her, either. 306 00:21:22,305 --> 00:21:23,555 You done? 307 00:21:23,556 --> 00:21:25,139 Uh, yeah. 308 00:21:40,556 --> 00:21:43,524 I haven't told anyone what I just told you. 309 00:21:47,870 --> 00:21:49,536 That last part. 310 00:21:52,267 --> 00:21:54,217 But I think about it all the time. 311 00:21:54,218 --> 00:21:56,774 Just... people I've hurt, 312 00:21:57,466 --> 00:21:58,968 lives I've ruined. 313 00:22:01,510 --> 00:22:03,829 All I want is to somehow be forgiven. 314 00:22:07,715 --> 00:22:10,048 I know that's not possible, so... 315 00:22:39,098 --> 00:22:40,403 You know, I have a... 316 00:22:40,842 --> 00:22:43,125 I have a rare day every so often 317 00:22:44,133 --> 00:22:47,653 where I feel a little more still inside. 318 00:22:49,095 --> 00:22:51,045 It's-it's usually in the late fall, 319 00:22:51,046 --> 00:22:53,198 when the summer people have gone and... 320 00:22:54,408 --> 00:22:57,001 I can hear the wind and the water, 321 00:22:57,679 --> 00:23:00,330 and the birds, nothing else. 322 00:23:01,669 --> 00:23:03,719 That's when my heart, like, hurts 323 00:23:03,720 --> 00:23:05,926 for how beautiful it is out here. 324 00:23:08,008 --> 00:23:09,205 I want to... 325 00:23:10,638 --> 00:23:12,016 drink the air. 326 00:23:14,180 --> 00:23:15,947 Live in the sunsets. 327 00:23:20,186 --> 00:23:21,669 And then I... 328 00:23:21,670 --> 00:23:24,595 It's not that I feel forgiven exactly, 329 00:23:26,341 --> 00:23:28,974 but I feel at peace with what happened. 330 00:23:33,532 --> 00:23:34,849 What? 331 00:23:34,850 --> 00:23:36,618 Forgiven for what? 332 00:23:39,038 --> 00:23:41,503 I mean, what happened to your son wasn't your fault. 333 00:23:44,243 --> 00:23:45,353 Was it? 334 00:23:46,879 --> 00:23:48,093 Yeah. 335 00:23:49,236 --> 00:23:52,248 How? I thought your husband was with him. 336 00:23:55,053 --> 00:23:57,227 No, he-he didn't drown in the water. 337 00:23:59,258 --> 00:24:01,175 Um, he had fluid in his lungs, 338 00:24:01,176 --> 00:24:03,393 and I didn't take him to the hospital. 339 00:24:05,030 --> 00:24:06,862 He drowned in his sleep. 340 00:24:08,867 --> 00:24:09,988 That can happen? 341 00:24:10,468 --> 00:24:11,542 Mm-hmm. 342 00:24:12,399 --> 00:24:14,411 It's called secondary drowning. 343 00:24:16,509 --> 00:24:18,023 I never heard of it. 344 00:24:19,711 --> 00:24:21,661 He seemed fine, and then at night, 345 00:24:21,662 --> 00:24:24,922 he vomited, had diarrhea. 346 00:24:26,951 --> 00:24:29,259 He said his shoulder hurt, and... 347 00:24:30,270 --> 00:24:32,338 Cole wanted me to take him to the hospital, 348 00:24:32,339 --> 00:24:34,915 but I-I was... I was mad at Cole. 349 00:24:36,207 --> 00:24:38,275 Because he had spent the whole day 350 00:24:38,276 --> 00:24:39,426 flirting with Jocelyn. 351 00:24:39,427 --> 00:24:40,446 It was just... 352 00:24:40,447 --> 00:24:41,547 And... 353 00:24:45,670 --> 00:24:48,086 I was a nurse, you know. I thought I knew better. 354 00:24:54,445 --> 00:24:56,245 In the morning, he was gray. 355 00:24:58,553 --> 00:25:00,399 He died without making a sound. 356 00:25:05,656 --> 00:25:07,005 Jesus. 357 00:25:07,506 --> 00:25:09,133 Sorry. 358 00:25:10,102 --> 00:25:12,136 Maybe you didn't want to know all that. 359 00:25:12,845 --> 00:25:14,204 Of course I did. 360 00:25:15,899 --> 00:25:17,015 I do. 361 00:25:29,411 --> 00:25:31,321 I've had this, um... 362 00:25:32,865 --> 00:25:34,892 recurring dream lately, 363 00:25:36,577 --> 00:25:38,312 where I'm talking to Gabriel. 364 00:25:39,888 --> 00:25:42,650 And, um, he's a teenager. 365 00:25:43,642 --> 00:25:46,295 And I'm sitting on the edge of his bed, and... 366 00:25:46,844 --> 00:25:48,447 His little mustache. 367 00:25:49,406 --> 00:25:50,822 And his feet smell. 368 00:25:51,950 --> 00:25:53,661 He's listening to music. 369 00:25:55,338 --> 00:25:57,581 And he keeps saying, "Go away, Mom. 370 00:25:58,165 --> 00:25:59,667 Leave me alone." 371 00:26:00,968 --> 00:26:02,901 I know that's what he needs. 372 00:26:04,780 --> 00:26:06,029 I just can't. 373 00:26:06,030 --> 00:26:08,349 I can't leave. 374 00:26:10,118 --> 00:26:12,739 Keeps telling me to go, and I just can't get off... 375 00:26:13,597 --> 00:26:14,932 off the bed. 376 00:26:21,963 --> 00:26:23,829 And he's so angry at me. 377 00:26:25,059 --> 00:26:27,123 And his skin is still so gray. 378 00:26:36,177 --> 00:26:37,710 Anyway... 379 00:26:39,914 --> 00:26:42,298 You know, some days, I'm-I'm proud 380 00:26:42,299 --> 00:26:44,019 of the life that I've built. 381 00:26:44,534 --> 00:26:47,736 You know, I have my daughter and my career, and... 382 00:26:47,737 --> 00:26:50,050 I've grown, persevered. 383 00:26:55,274 --> 00:26:57,541 And I think he'd be proud of me, too. 384 00:26:59,232 --> 00:27:02,083 And then sometimes, it just feels like a giant charade, 385 00:27:02,084 --> 00:27:03,785 and I'm still the same 386 00:27:03,786 --> 00:27:05,954 broken person I was at the hospital, 387 00:27:05,955 --> 00:27:08,377 the same empty shell at his funeral, 388 00:27:09,194 --> 00:27:11,493 and this is all a joke I've been playing on myself. 389 00:27:11,494 --> 00:27:15,140 This life that I am trying to live. 390 00:27:21,073 --> 00:27:22,639 No, I... 391 00:28:13,688 --> 00:28:15,289 What are you doing? 392 00:28:15,290 --> 00:28:17,307 What's it look like I'm doing? 393 00:28:18,444 --> 00:28:20,277 I want you to dance with me. 394 00:28:25,830 --> 00:28:28,131 Come on. It's my favorite song. 395 00:28:44,966 --> 00:28:47,154 What happens to people like us? 396 00:28:47,761 --> 00:28:49,244 What do you mean? 397 00:28:51,043 --> 00:28:53,148 The ones who can't be forgiven. 398 00:28:54,120 --> 00:28:57,219 The shrinks will say we have to forgive ourselves. 399 00:29:00,776 --> 00:29:02,140 I can't. 400 00:29:05,489 --> 00:29:08,622 But if you don't, if you don't, then... 401 00:29:09,442 --> 00:29:11,275 what's the rest of your life? 402 00:29:11,683 --> 00:29:13,168 One long penance? 403 00:29:17,484 --> 00:29:20,634 My mom believes that we live multiple lives 404 00:29:21,188 --> 00:29:23,255 and that each one is a step toward, 405 00:29:23,256 --> 00:29:25,806 you know, nirvana, I guess. 406 00:29:27,412 --> 00:29:28,767 Perfection. 407 00:29:30,847 --> 00:29:33,589 We just keep coming back until we get it right. 408 00:29:37,946 --> 00:29:40,871 Maybe this is as far as I come in this life. 409 00:29:43,852 --> 00:29:47,119 So you're just waiting to die? 410 00:29:49,691 --> 00:29:51,164 Aren't you? 411 00:29:52,691 --> 00:29:54,752 If you're really being honest with yourself? 412 00:29:59,491 --> 00:30:01,393 No. 413 00:30:05,030 --> 00:30:06,397 I want to live. 414 00:30:22,465 --> 00:30:24,081 Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. 415 00:30:24,082 --> 00:30:25,482 - No. Wait. - No. Don't think... 416 00:30:25,483 --> 00:30:26,751 What do you want? 417 00:30:26,752 --> 00:30:29,637 Alison, you tell me. 418 00:30:31,726 --> 00:30:33,626 I'll do whatever you want. 419 00:30:35,912 --> 00:30:38,812 Alison, what do you want? 420 00:30:54,230 --> 00:30:55,476 Let's go to your bedroom. 421 00:30:55,477 --> 00:30:56,662 No, no, no, no, no. 422 00:30:58,334 --> 00:31:00,000 I have a better idea. 423 00:31:21,656 --> 00:31:23,106 Wait, wait, wait. 424 00:31:24,774 --> 00:31:27,210 Don't mess with my heart, okay? 425 00:31:27,211 --> 00:31:28,994 I can't handle any more pain. 426 00:31:29,834 --> 00:31:31,089 I know. 427 00:31:31,715 --> 00:31:32,878 I won't. 428 00:31:33,317 --> 00:31:34,518 Promise? 429 00:31:36,538 --> 00:31:38,053 I promise. 430 00:31:57,391 --> 00:31:58,873 You know what I want? 431 00:31:58,874 --> 00:31:59,918 What? 432 00:32:01,157 --> 00:32:02,379 This. 433 00:32:03,130 --> 00:32:04,517 For days. 434 00:32:05,266 --> 00:32:06,603 Forever. 435 00:32:09,755 --> 00:32:11,407 Well, maybe you'll get it. 436 00:32:21,727 --> 00:32:23,197 I want to go clean up. 437 00:32:23,198 --> 00:32:24,832 No, no, not yet. 438 00:32:24,833 --> 00:32:26,167 No. 439 00:32:26,168 --> 00:32:27,445 I'm tired. 440 00:32:28,070 --> 00:32:30,599 Let me do the dishes, and then we can go to bed. 441 00:32:35,394 --> 00:32:36,496 Okay. 442 00:34:01,796 --> 00:34:03,011 Ow! 443 00:34:31,852 --> 00:34:34,391 _ 444 00:34:34,728 --> 00:34:36,246 Hi. 445 00:34:37,448 --> 00:34:38,963 Hi. 446 00:34:38,964 --> 00:34:40,031 Can I come in? 447 00:34:40,032 --> 00:34:42,384 Yeah. Yeah, of course. 448 00:34:45,521 --> 00:34:47,320 Didn't you hear me knocking? 449 00:34:48,091 --> 00:34:49,974 Uh, no, uh... 450 00:34:49,975 --> 00:34:51,576 Sorry, I had the music up. 451 00:34:56,133 --> 00:34:57,649 What happened to your hand? 452 00:34:57,650 --> 00:34:59,351 - Uh, it's fine. It's... - You okay? Let me see. 453 00:34:59,352 --> 00:35:01,119 No, it's fine. It's just, I need a Band-Aid. 454 00:35:02,888 --> 00:35:04,389 You know, a stubborn streak like that 455 00:35:04,390 --> 00:35:05,929 will get you killed in combat. 456 00:35:26,429 --> 00:35:27,578 So? 457 00:35:27,579 --> 00:35:28,679 So. 458 00:35:28,680 --> 00:35:29,980 So, what happened to you? 459 00:35:29,981 --> 00:35:31,022 Why'd you stand me up? 460 00:35:31,023 --> 00:35:32,883 I went to L.A. for the weekend. 461 00:35:32,884 --> 00:35:34,102 Why? 462 00:35:34,788 --> 00:35:36,219 To visit a friend. 463 00:35:36,220 --> 00:35:38,522 You didn't call and tell me you changed your plans? 464 00:35:38,523 --> 00:35:40,190 I mean, I waited outside that yoga studio 465 00:35:40,191 --> 00:35:41,514 for an hour, Alison. 466 00:35:43,478 --> 00:35:44,660 Why don't you sit? 467 00:35:44,661 --> 00:35:47,562 Um, I'll make us some tea. 468 00:35:52,976 --> 00:35:55,071 I thought we were going out to dinner. 469 00:35:55,072 --> 00:35:58,408 No, I just wanted to talk to you for a bit first. 470 00:35:58,409 --> 00:35:59,977 I'm really hungry. 471 00:35:59,978 --> 00:36:01,311 Won't take long. 472 00:36:01,312 --> 00:36:04,235 Um, let me take your wet coat. 473 00:36:23,017 --> 00:36:24,767 So, about the other night, I... 474 00:36:24,768 --> 00:36:27,586 Before you talk, can I say something first? 475 00:36:29,423 --> 00:36:30,957 Of course. 476 00:36:32,961 --> 00:36:35,427 Uh, you can't do stuff like that to me. 477 00:36:37,131 --> 00:36:39,100 - Stuff like what? - Stand me up. 478 00:36:39,101 --> 00:36:40,516 Not call me for four days. 479 00:36:40,517 --> 00:36:42,802 I mean, it's taken a lot for me to trust you. 480 00:36:42,803 --> 00:36:45,453 Okay, I'm making myself really vulnerable here, you know? 481 00:36:49,095 --> 00:36:51,946 Uh, yeah, yeah, I-I know. I... 482 00:36:51,947 --> 00:36:53,903 Okay. Good. 483 00:36:54,330 --> 00:36:57,006 I... I just had to say that. 484 00:36:58,283 --> 00:36:59,843 What do you want to talk about? 485 00:37:09,256 --> 00:37:11,123 Alison, what's going on? 486 00:37:12,452 --> 00:37:13,898 Are you okay? 487 00:37:15,104 --> 00:37:17,070 Uh, yeah, I just wanted to ask some questions. 488 00:37:17,071 --> 00:37:18,319 I just... 489 00:37:19,274 --> 00:37:20,874 You know, it occurred to me we don't really 490 00:37:20,875 --> 00:37:22,415 know that much about each other. 491 00:37:23,704 --> 00:37:25,701 Yeah, like, uh, I had no idea 492 00:37:25,702 --> 00:37:27,354 you knew anyone in California. 493 00:37:29,447 --> 00:37:30,665 Of course. 494 00:37:32,100 --> 00:37:34,252 What do you want to talk about? I'll tell you anything. 495 00:37:36,701 --> 00:37:39,048 Okay. Okay. 496 00:37:42,541 --> 00:37:43,808 Um... 497 00:37:45,417 --> 00:37:47,050 Where'd you grow up? 498 00:37:49,100 --> 00:37:50,515 The Bronx. 499 00:37:51,395 --> 00:37:52,962 What's your family like? 500 00:37:54,308 --> 00:37:57,019 I'm, uh, the third of four. 501 00:37:57,020 --> 00:37:58,467 Four boys and a girl. 502 00:38:00,419 --> 00:38:02,000 Where are your parents? 503 00:38:02,001 --> 00:38:04,171 My dad still lives on 186th, 504 00:38:04,172 --> 00:38:06,034 and my mom is dead. 505 00:38:06,720 --> 00:38:09,205 She died of leukemia when I was 21. 506 00:38:11,809 --> 00:38:13,559 - Sorry. I... - It's okay. 507 00:38:13,560 --> 00:38:15,445 Um, anything else? 508 00:38:16,488 --> 00:38:19,156 Um, yeah. Where do you live now? 509 00:38:20,525 --> 00:38:22,274 Hicksville, but you know that already. 510 00:38:22,275 --> 00:38:23,360 Who do you live with? 511 00:38:23,868 --> 00:38:25,136 What? 512 00:38:25,137 --> 00:38:26,838 - What do you mean? - Do you have 513 00:38:26,839 --> 00:38:29,508 a roommate or, you know, family, any...? 514 00:38:29,509 --> 00:38:31,208 Wh-Where are these questions coming from? 515 00:38:31,209 --> 00:38:32,788 I'm just... just curious. It's just... 516 00:38:32,789 --> 00:38:35,141 - This have to do with Cole? - Cole? What? No. 517 00:38:35,142 --> 00:38:36,848 You know what's fucked-up about that guy? 518 00:38:36,849 --> 00:38:38,983 - About Cole? - Yeah, he-he came 519 00:38:38,984 --> 00:38:40,739 to an AA meeting, but he's not an addict, is he? 520 00:38:40,740 --> 00:38:42,987 - Not that I'm aware of, no. - Well, that's bullshit. 521 00:38:42,988 --> 00:38:44,847 Well, I'm sure he had a good reason for being there. 522 00:38:44,848 --> 00:38:46,991 It's a little perverse, don't you think? 523 00:38:46,992 --> 00:38:48,727 Those meetings are vulnerable spaces. 524 00:38:48,728 --> 00:38:50,343 The guys really have to trust each other. 525 00:38:52,035 --> 00:38:54,017 I-I'm happy to keep talking. 526 00:38:54,018 --> 00:38:56,237 I just need something to eat. I'm really starving. 527 00:38:57,259 --> 00:38:59,698 Uh, sure. I-I can make you 528 00:38:59,699 --> 00:39:01,672 some eggs or... 529 00:39:01,673 --> 00:39:03,007 uh, maybe some... 530 00:39:03,008 --> 00:39:04,209 I have, uh... 531 00:39:04,210 --> 00:39:05,443 crackers and cheese? 532 00:39:05,444 --> 00:39:06,661 Yeah, yeah, anything. 533 00:39:34,699 --> 00:39:36,133 Have you ever been married? 534 00:39:38,260 --> 00:39:39,943 Why are you asking me that? 535 00:39:39,944 --> 00:39:41,117 It's just a question. 536 00:39:41,118 --> 00:39:43,056 What happened in California? 537 00:39:44,440 --> 00:39:46,407 Who's this friend you went to go see? 538 00:39:48,720 --> 00:39:50,054 Went to see my ex-husband. 539 00:39:52,426 --> 00:39:54,894 Okay. How'd that go? 540 00:39:54,895 --> 00:39:56,306 Fine. 541 00:39:56,307 --> 00:39:58,433 Well, he must have said something that upset you. 542 00:39:58,434 --> 00:40:00,352 No, that's not what this is about. 543 00:40:01,363 --> 00:40:02,758 Are you sure? 544 00:40:03,180 --> 00:40:05,181 It just seemed like everything was fine last week, 545 00:40:05,182 --> 00:40:07,684 and then you stand me up, flee to California 546 00:40:07,685 --> 00:40:09,687 and talk to your ex? 547 00:40:09,688 --> 00:40:11,740 Suddenly, I'm the bad guy? 548 00:40:18,945 --> 00:40:20,879 Ben, are you married? 549 00:40:23,651 --> 00:40:25,882 Why would I be here if I was married? 550 00:40:32,133 --> 00:40:33,452 Have you ever... 551 00:40:34,083 --> 00:40:35,782 Have you ever been married? 552 00:40:35,783 --> 00:40:37,652 - No. - Do you live alone? 553 00:40:37,653 --> 00:40:39,272 Yes. 554 00:40:50,584 --> 00:40:52,100 Do you have kids? 555 00:40:53,802 --> 00:40:54,952 No. 556 00:41:02,275 --> 00:41:04,045 What kind of tea do you want? 557 00:41:28,487 --> 00:41:30,487 I don't want tea. 558 00:41:34,073 --> 00:41:35,350 Hey. 559 00:41:39,398 --> 00:41:41,265 What's going on? 560 00:41:42,093 --> 00:41:43,259 What happened? 561 00:41:44,519 --> 00:41:46,453 You don't trust me anymore. 562 00:41:56,001 --> 00:41:58,307 This thing that's happening between us 563 00:41:59,534 --> 00:42:01,669 doesn't happen to me all the time. 564 00:42:02,270 --> 00:42:03,629 Does it happen to you? 565 00:42:14,048 --> 00:42:16,599 So, why are you trying to fuck it up? 566 00:42:26,371 --> 00:42:28,071 You don't even know me, Ben. 567 00:42:28,995 --> 00:42:30,696 Yes, I do. 568 00:42:30,697 --> 00:42:32,449 And I don't know you. 569 00:42:55,218 --> 00:42:58,202 I-I've been in love twice in my life. 570 00:42:58,810 --> 00:43:00,521 - Am I one of them? - No. 571 00:43:01,978 --> 00:43:03,729 Okay. Your two exes, I assume. 572 00:43:03,730 --> 00:43:04,791 Yes. 573 00:43:05,458 --> 00:43:06,831 They were really different loves, 574 00:43:06,832 --> 00:43:08,544 but they had something in common. 575 00:43:09,886 --> 00:43:11,903 I-I felt kind of like the victim 576 00:43:11,904 --> 00:43:13,257 in both situations. 577 00:43:17,828 --> 00:43:18,877 Okay. 578 00:43:18,878 --> 00:43:20,181 How so? 579 00:43:22,866 --> 00:43:26,167 Well, my... with my first, with Cole, I was... 580 00:43:27,304 --> 00:43:28,920 I was always a mess. 581 00:43:28,921 --> 00:43:32,068 He was always the solid one, and I was always falling apart. 582 00:43:33,092 --> 00:43:36,322 And I convinced myself that he would one day cheat on me. 583 00:43:37,229 --> 00:43:39,617 So, instead, I... I cheated on him. 584 00:43:41,617 --> 00:43:45,270 And even after it was over, I still told myself 585 00:43:45,271 --> 00:43:46,666 that he was to blame. 586 00:43:47,907 --> 00:43:50,841 I told myself that he had driven me to do it 587 00:43:50,842 --> 00:43:53,296 because he was so unfeeling, so rigid. 588 00:43:53,297 --> 00:43:55,213 After our son died, he... 589 00:43:55,214 --> 00:43:57,515 he made me carry the grief for both of us, 590 00:43:57,516 --> 00:43:59,382 so what choice did I have, really? 591 00:43:59,383 --> 00:44:00,650 - You didn't. - Then, with Noah, 592 00:44:00,651 --> 00:44:02,185 it was the opposite. He was the dreamer. 593 00:44:02,186 --> 00:44:04,121 He was the dramatic one. He... I was the homebody. 594 00:44:04,122 --> 00:44:07,124 He said that I grounded him, and yet I cheated on him, too. 595 00:44:08,610 --> 00:44:12,429 And yet again, I convinced myself 596 00:44:12,430 --> 00:44:13,730 that I was not to blame, 597 00:44:13,731 --> 00:44:16,466 because he had abandoned me for his career, his ambition, 598 00:44:16,467 --> 00:44:19,102 so... what else could I do? 599 00:44:19,103 --> 00:44:21,404 Okay. What are you trying to say? 600 00:44:21,405 --> 00:44:24,107 I-I-I just... I just think that sometimes we get 601 00:44:24,108 --> 00:44:27,377 into these patterns in life, and we tell ourselves a story 602 00:44:27,378 --> 00:44:29,146 about what kind of person we are 603 00:44:29,147 --> 00:44:33,004 and how people treat us, and it's not always true. 604 00:44:34,030 --> 00:44:37,353 And... and as painful as it's been to really 605 00:44:37,354 --> 00:44:39,903 own up to my faults and to recognize that... 606 00:44:40,995 --> 00:44:43,726 I contributed to these relationships falling apart, 607 00:44:43,727 --> 00:44:44,728 it's also... 608 00:44:46,464 --> 00:44:47,935 it's been really... 609 00:44:55,550 --> 00:44:58,596 Made me like myself in a way that I never did before. 610 00:45:08,669 --> 00:45:09,967 Ben? 611 00:45:18,712 --> 00:45:21,013 Ben, please just be honest with me. 612 00:45:22,123 --> 00:45:23,429 I can take it. 613 00:45:39,934 --> 00:45:42,068 Just tell me who you are. 614 00:45:43,770 --> 00:45:45,434 Tell me the truth. 615 00:46:07,300 --> 00:46:09,086 You want to know who I am? 616 00:46:10,230 --> 00:46:11,429 Hmm? 617 00:46:12,967 --> 00:46:14,633 Really? 618 00:46:15,435 --> 00:46:16,901 Yes. 619 00:46:20,532 --> 00:46:22,515 Okay. All right. 620 00:46:24,386 --> 00:46:26,002 You... 621 00:46:29,349 --> 00:46:31,332 What are you doing? 622 00:46:31,333 --> 00:46:33,684 I'm gonna need a drink for this. 623 00:46:36,136 --> 00:46:37,294 Ben, don't. 624 00:46:38,340 --> 00:46:40,091 It's fine, Alison. 625 00:46:52,905 --> 00:46:54,918 I haven't told you what I did, have I? 626 00:46:56,017 --> 00:46:57,523 What do you mean? 627 00:46:59,331 --> 00:47:00,672 During the war. 628 00:47:03,783 --> 00:47:04,905 No. 629 00:47:05,467 --> 00:47:06,767 Are you comfortable? 630 00:47:06,768 --> 00:47:08,002 Maybe you should sit. 631 00:47:08,003 --> 00:47:09,894 I'm fine. 632 00:47:11,243 --> 00:47:12,759 Good. 633 00:47:13,187 --> 00:47:14,971 This may take a while. 634 00:47:19,398 --> 00:47:21,181 I was deployed for too long. 635 00:47:21,182 --> 00:47:22,719 Only four months home. 636 00:47:23,274 --> 00:47:25,385 Half of which I spent in the fucking hospital 637 00:47:25,386 --> 00:47:29,123 because a fucking IED took off both my buddy's legs 638 00:47:29,124 --> 00:47:30,723 and all the skin off mine. 639 00:47:33,445 --> 00:47:35,753 But then I was right back in the sandbox. 640 00:47:36,831 --> 00:47:38,999 I mean, I barely had time to visit my father 641 00:47:39,000 --> 00:47:40,800 before they shipped me back out. 642 00:47:42,839 --> 00:47:44,671 Six months into my second deployment, 643 00:47:44,672 --> 00:47:46,673 I didn't give a shit anymore. 644 00:47:46,674 --> 00:47:47,841 I was done. 645 00:47:47,842 --> 00:47:49,276 All the other guys, they were all, 646 00:47:49,277 --> 00:47:51,044 "Oh, I'm part of a machine that never loses. 647 00:47:51,045 --> 00:47:52,279 I'm a U.S. Marine." 648 00:47:52,280 --> 00:47:54,581 I was like, "We're losing, assholes. 649 00:47:54,582 --> 00:47:56,332 We fucking lost." 650 00:47:59,777 --> 00:48:01,112 Everyone knew it. 651 00:48:01,721 --> 00:48:03,214 Even the president knew it. 652 00:48:03,823 --> 00:48:06,342 But there I was again, back in the shit. 653 00:48:06,867 --> 00:48:08,528 More counter-insurgency nonsense, 654 00:48:08,529 --> 00:48:10,705 where they can shoot us but we can't shoot them. 655 00:48:12,123 --> 00:48:13,899 Ben, stop. 656 00:48:13,900 --> 00:48:17,019 Let me finish, please. 657 00:48:20,558 --> 00:48:21,840 We took a Humvee 658 00:48:21,841 --> 00:48:23,988 out of the base one morning to get fuel. 659 00:48:23,989 --> 00:48:25,610 It was a stupid thing to do. 660 00:48:25,611 --> 00:48:27,822 It was one of those orders that comes from above. 661 00:48:29,082 --> 00:48:32,116 Everyone knows it's a fucking suicide mission, 662 00:48:32,117 --> 00:48:34,787 and I was like, "Let it come. 663 00:48:35,479 --> 00:48:37,455 If I can't go home in an airplane, 664 00:48:37,456 --> 00:48:39,150 then I'll go home in a casket." 665 00:48:44,654 --> 00:48:46,006 This kid... 666 00:48:47,066 --> 00:48:50,551 he came running towards us with a burnt-out RPG. 667 00:48:50,552 --> 00:48:53,537 He must have found it discarded somewhere, and... 668 00:48:53,538 --> 00:48:55,015 and he pointed it at me. 669 00:48:56,008 --> 00:48:57,918 He was just playing around. 670 00:48:59,668 --> 00:49:01,013 But I killed him. 671 00:49:02,114 --> 00:49:03,299 You what? 672 00:49:05,921 --> 00:49:07,678 Yeah. I shot him. 673 00:49:09,906 --> 00:49:11,388 Wait. 674 00:49:11,389 --> 00:49:13,425 But you knew he was unarmed. 675 00:49:13,926 --> 00:49:15,144 Yeah. 676 00:49:17,580 --> 00:49:19,775 Yeah, I mean, there was no grenade attached. 677 00:49:19,776 --> 00:49:21,394 I could see that. 678 00:49:22,285 --> 00:49:23,914 But you shot him anyway? 679 00:49:27,356 --> 00:49:28,465 Yes. 680 00:49:31,861 --> 00:49:32,973 Why? 681 00:49:35,799 --> 00:49:37,936 I think I just wanted to go home. 682 00:49:44,364 --> 00:49:45,716 So there. 683 00:49:46,688 --> 00:49:47,977 Now you know me. 684 00:49:48,826 --> 00:49:50,638 That's who I am. 685 00:49:54,536 --> 00:49:55,865 Are you sorry? 686 00:49:55,866 --> 00:49:57,443 Of course I'm sorry. 687 00:49:59,054 --> 00:50:01,071 But it wasn't my fucking fault. 688 00:50:01,072 --> 00:50:02,941 That kid was old enough to know what he was doing. 689 00:50:02,942 --> 00:50:05,209 He shouldn't have been playing with a fucking gun. 690 00:50:05,210 --> 00:50:07,260 But you knew it wasn't an actual weapon. 691 00:50:07,680 --> 00:50:09,256 So, why'd you do it? 692 00:50:12,046 --> 00:50:14,749 Why do you kill an ant, Alison? 693 00:50:14,750 --> 00:50:16,152 Why do you kill a mouse? 694 00:50:16,907 --> 00:50:19,747 Because you don't fucking want it running around your house. 695 00:50:19,748 --> 00:50:22,034 Because you don't want it bothering you. 696 00:50:30,938 --> 00:50:31,974 Okay. 697 00:50:43,965 --> 00:50:45,463 Ben, it's getting late. 698 00:50:47,093 --> 00:50:48,943 I think maybe I should go to bed. 699 00:50:48,944 --> 00:50:50,946 Fantastic. I'll join you. 700 00:50:50,947 --> 00:50:52,882 No, I-I want to be alone. 701 00:50:52,883 --> 00:50:54,051 Why? 702 00:50:54,987 --> 00:50:58,092 I-I'm just... it's just been a long week, 703 00:50:58,093 --> 00:51:00,295 - and I'm... I'm really tired. - Tired of fucking your 704 00:51:00,296 --> 00:51:01,896 - ex-husband in California? - Oh, my God, no. 705 00:51:01,897 --> 00:51:03,332 - That's not what happened. - Come on, Alison. 706 00:51:03,333 --> 00:51:04,766 Okay, you don't have to believe me. 707 00:51:04,767 --> 00:51:06,067 Good, because I don't. 708 00:51:06,068 --> 00:51:07,969 Okay, Ben, I just want you to go. 709 00:51:09,772 --> 00:51:11,427 What's going on? 710 00:51:13,207 --> 00:51:14,480 Last week was fine. 711 00:51:14,481 --> 00:51:17,199 You go to California, you come back a different person. 712 00:51:17,941 --> 00:51:19,693 I'm a different person? What about you? 713 00:51:19,694 --> 00:51:21,382 - I mean... - This is who I am. 714 00:51:21,383 --> 00:51:24,452 This is who I've always been. You're just peeling the onion. 715 00:51:24,453 --> 00:51:27,755 Yeah, but you didn't tell me that you're, uh... 716 00:51:27,756 --> 00:51:29,824 What? What, I didn't tell you 717 00:51:29,825 --> 00:51:31,226 what happened in the sandbox? 718 00:51:31,227 --> 00:51:32,894 I'm sorry, I was building up to that. 719 00:51:32,895 --> 00:51:34,295 It's not exactly first-date material. 720 00:51:34,296 --> 00:51:35,763 - No, you didn't tell me that... - What? 721 00:51:35,764 --> 00:51:38,099 Nothing, okay? I just want you to leave. 722 00:51:38,100 --> 00:51:39,565 I don't want this. 723 00:51:39,566 --> 00:51:41,618 You don't want what? 724 00:51:44,024 --> 00:51:45,523 You don't want this? 725 00:51:51,697 --> 00:51:53,263 Or this? 726 00:52:03,508 --> 00:52:05,209 No. 727 00:52:09,381 --> 00:52:11,148 Please go. 728 00:52:21,923 --> 00:52:24,541 I can't believe you're doing this. 729 00:52:25,145 --> 00:52:29,031 Why are you fucking doing this? 730 00:52:40,912 --> 00:52:44,196 Ben, please, I... 731 00:52:44,577 --> 00:52:46,146 I just need a minute. 732 00:52:46,699 --> 00:52:48,450 Okay? 733 00:52:52,372 --> 00:52:55,391 I need you, Alison. 734 00:52:57,207 --> 00:52:59,011 I'm in so much pain. 735 00:53:13,510 --> 00:53:15,443 I know it scares you. 736 00:53:16,235 --> 00:53:17,821 It scares me, too, 737 00:53:17,822 --> 00:53:19,416 but we could be good together. 738 00:53:20,884 --> 00:53:22,658 I know. 739 00:53:27,377 --> 00:53:28,785 You can do this. 740 00:53:31,628 --> 00:53:34,545 Yes, you can. We both can. 741 00:53:34,546 --> 00:53:36,431 - We both can. - No. 742 00:53:37,634 --> 00:53:39,924 I need you so badly. 743 00:53:39,925 --> 00:53:42,303 I just need this. 744 00:53:43,907 --> 00:53:45,690 I need this, Alison. I need you. 745 00:53:45,691 --> 00:53:46,957 You need to go home. 746 00:53:46,958 --> 00:53:48,125 Just give me a minute. 747 00:53:48,126 --> 00:53:49,694 - Please. No. - Just give me a minute. 748 00:53:49,695 --> 00:53:51,394 Just go home to your fucking wife. 749 00:53:54,684 --> 00:53:56,175 Go home to who? 750 00:53:58,586 --> 00:53:59,835 What did you say? 751 00:54:04,008 --> 00:54:05,942 What do you know about my wife, Alison? 752 00:54:05,943 --> 00:54:07,211 I met her, you asshole. 753 00:54:07,212 --> 00:54:08,328 You what? 754 00:54:08,880 --> 00:54:10,114 When? 755 00:54:10,115 --> 00:54:12,334 Last week at your office. 756 00:54:12,335 --> 00:54:14,047 Did you tell her about... 757 00:54:14,048 --> 00:54:16,346 No, but I will. I swear. 758 00:54:16,347 --> 00:54:17,954 If you don't get out of here right now. 759 00:54:17,955 --> 00:54:20,557 If you ever fucking say anything to Heidi... 760 00:54:20,558 --> 00:54:22,092 So just leave, and I won't. 761 00:54:22,093 --> 00:54:24,211 And we never have to see each other again, okay? 762 00:54:30,619 --> 00:54:32,461 You seduced me. 763 00:54:32,917 --> 00:54:35,005 I told you I was sober. 764 00:54:35,006 --> 00:54:36,773 - Ben. - I told you I couldn't 765 00:54:36,774 --> 00:54:39,008 get involved with anyone, but you wouldn't leave me alone. 766 00:54:39,009 --> 00:54:40,410 That's not true. 767 00:54:40,411 --> 00:54:41,945 - I didn't want this. - Yes, you did. 768 00:54:41,946 --> 00:54:43,906 I'm fucking drinking again because of you. 769 00:54:44,499 --> 00:54:46,658 Why don't you admit what you are, huh? 770 00:54:47,924 --> 00:54:49,325 What I am? 771 00:54:49,326 --> 00:54:50,786 You broke up two marriages. 772 00:54:50,787 --> 00:54:52,539 What, that wasn't enough for you? 773 00:54:53,663 --> 00:54:55,776 Say this is your fault. 774 00:54:57,544 --> 00:54:58,837 And then I'll leave. 775 00:55:04,265 --> 00:55:06,094 I don't owe you a thing. 776 00:55:06,971 --> 00:55:08,263 You're an adult. 777 00:55:08,739 --> 00:55:10,640 I didn't seduce you. 778 00:55:10,641 --> 00:55:13,843 And even if I did, I'm allowed to change my fucking mind. 779 00:55:13,844 --> 00:55:15,511 Now, get the fuck out of my house 780 00:55:15,512 --> 00:55:17,012 before I call your fucking wife. 781 00:56:15,355 --> 00:56:17,355 What are you gonna do, Ben? 782 00:56:18,793 --> 00:56:20,558 You gonna kill me? 783 00:56:21,962 --> 00:56:23,928 You think that scares me? 784 00:56:26,171 --> 00:56:27,705 My son died. 785 00:56:28,888 --> 00:56:31,246 He died in my fucking arms. 786 00:56:37,142 --> 00:56:39,360 So, what in God's name do you think you can do to me 787 00:56:39,361 --> 00:56:40,812 that I haven't done to myself... 788 00:56:42,581 --> 00:56:44,448 ...a million times? 789 00:56:47,434 --> 00:56:50,702 I have been in pain my entire life. 790 00:56:52,692 --> 00:56:54,307 And maybe that's what makes people 791 00:56:54,308 --> 00:56:55,454 think that I'm weak. 792 00:56:57,046 --> 00:56:59,312 And maybe that makes people treat me 793 00:56:59,313 --> 00:57:04,200 like some sort of receptacle for all their grief and rage. 794 00:57:05,811 --> 00:57:07,482 And disappointment. 795 00:57:10,142 --> 00:57:12,554 But I am fucking sick of it. 796 00:57:17,182 --> 00:57:19,436 I just want to live a different life. 797 00:57:20,939 --> 00:57:23,382 I want to live a different story. 798 00:57:24,370 --> 00:57:25,807 I'm still young. 799 00:57:27,765 --> 00:57:29,482 I can be someone else. 800 00:57:29,483 --> 00:57:31,348 Someone who deserves love. 801 00:57:34,266 --> 00:57:35,712 Someone who can be happy. 802 00:57:35,713 --> 00:57:41,113 Sync and corrections by btsix www.addic7ed.com