1 00:00:04,938 --> 00:00:06,368 Yes! 2 00:00:06,774 --> 00:00:08,384 Yes! 3 00:00:09,078 --> 00:00:10,090 Death. 4 00:00:10,312 --> 00:00:11,376 Mr. Griffin? 5 00:00:11,378 --> 00:00:13,045 What? What? I-I told you 6 00:00:13,047 --> 00:00:14,446 today was a day for quiet reflection. 7 00:00:14,448 --> 00:00:16,248 Can we at least do a Miles Mission? 8 00:00:16,250 --> 00:00:17,716 Not needed today. 9 00:00:17,718 --> 00:00:19,559 I'm writing a book that's going to crush him, 10 00:00:19,584 --> 00:00:21,086 so everyone stop talking. 11 00:00:21,088 --> 00:00:23,722 Just go to sleep. Does anyone know any lullabies? 12 00:00:23,724 --> 00:00:25,958 ? The sun is yawning ? 13 00:00:25,960 --> 00:00:28,627 ? It's sleepy-time ? 14 00:00:28,629 --> 00:00:30,929 ? Dreams are spawning ? 15 00:00:30,931 --> 00:00:32,765 ? Clouds decline ? 16 00:00:32,767 --> 00:00:34,448 O-okay. Interesting. 17 00:00:34,488 --> 00:00:36,268 Is that an original? Yeah? 18 00:00:36,270 --> 00:00:38,270 All right, well, I have a lot of follow-up questions, 19 00:00:38,272 --> 00:00:40,472 but I will not get sucked into any of this today. 20 00:00:51,919 --> 00:00:54,253 _ 21 00:01:07,368 --> 00:01:09,501 _ 22 00:01:11,906 --> 00:01:12,905 Ah! 23 00:01:12,907 --> 00:01:13,939 Stupid water heater! 24 00:01:18,379 --> 00:01:21,280 _ 25 00:01:25,121 --> 00:01:27,920 Jack, my friend, you just wrote your way 26 00:01:27,922 --> 00:01:30,664 out of this dried-up turd of a town. 27 00:01:30,711 --> 00:01:33,733 Did you just call Toledo a dried-up turd town? 28 00:01:33,758 --> 00:01:36,078 I did. I did, and it is. 29 00:01:36,164 --> 00:01:37,763 And thanks to this book I finished, 30 00:01:37,788 --> 00:01:40,665 I will not be here much longer, hence the champagne. 31 00:01:41,148 --> 00:01:42,832 It's a beautiful day outside. 32 00:01:42,833 --> 00:01:44,258 Why don't we call it early? 33 00:01:44,259 --> 00:01:45,523 Cheers, guys! 34 00:01:48,064 --> 00:01:49,869 We've got some time. 35 00:01:49,894 --> 00:01:51,426 How about the rest of that lullaby? 36 00:01:51,428 --> 00:01:52,501 Sure! 37 00:01:53,030 --> 00:01:55,464 ? The sun is yawning ? 38 00:01:57,268 --> 00:01:59,201 ? It's sleepy-time ? 39 00:02:24,228 --> 00:02:25,738 Hey! Jack-O! 40 00:02:25,739 --> 00:02:27,031 I got your text. 41 00:02:27,173 --> 00:02:28,568 What's the big news? 42 00:02:28,569 --> 00:02:30,535 Well, I just finished writing a new book, 43 00:02:30,538 --> 00:02:33,145 and I'm gonna expose you for the fraud you are. 44 00:02:33,169 --> 00:02:34,673 Yeah, it's my friend Jack. 45 00:02:34,675 --> 00:02:35,808 He wrote a book! 46 00:02:35,810 --> 00:02:37,543 - Jack! - Way to go! 47 00:02:37,545 --> 00:02:39,211 - Are you at a party? - Uh, no, more of a... 48 00:02:39,213 --> 00:02:41,434 It's like a chill sesh, really. 49 00:02:41,539 --> 00:02:44,821 Um, that's David Eggleston, my, uh, publisher. 50 00:02:45,271 --> 00:02:47,871 Steve Jones... from the Sex Pistols! 51 00:02:47,872 --> 00:02:50,039 And, uh, Bill Nye! 52 00:02:50,041 --> 00:02:51,474 I'm sorry, what is happening? 53 00:02:51,476 --> 00:02:53,508 We're all in the same meditation class. 54 00:02:53,645 --> 00:02:55,521 Oh, and this is Fiona. 55 00:02:55,624 --> 00:02:56,924 Uh, she's a model. 56 00:02:56,926 --> 00:02:58,361 At Warby Parker! 57 00:02:59,237 --> 00:03:00,394 Clever as well. 58 00:03:00,396 --> 00:03:01,462 Where are you? 59 00:03:01,464 --> 00:03:02,797 Oh, I'm, um... 60 00:03:02,998 --> 00:03:04,832 I'm actually also... I'm at my 61 00:03:04,834 --> 00:03:06,667 lady friend's apartment. 62 00:03:06,669 --> 00:03:08,235 Is she 75? 63 00:03:08,237 --> 00:03:10,671 All this old lady stuff is... She's being ironic. 64 00:03:10,673 --> 00:03:12,139 - You know. - Yo, what's up, Jack? 65 00:03:12,141 --> 00:03:14,851 Oh! Flav's here with the nachos! 66 00:03:14,914 --> 00:03:17,421 Wait, Flavor Flav was in your meditation class? 67 00:03:17,446 --> 00:03:19,446 No. I'm just a fan of Miles. 68 00:03:19,448 --> 00:03:21,181 His book changed my life. 69 00:03:21,183 --> 00:03:22,716 Philosophy, boy-ee! 70 00:03:22,718 --> 00:03:25,953 Ah! So, what's your book about... boy-ee? 71 00:03:25,955 --> 00:03:27,488 Well, I can tell you what it isn't. 72 00:03:27,490 --> 00:03:28,922 It's not some upbeat pop philosophy 73 00:03:28,924 --> 00:03:30,891 with a dumb title like "A Hundred Smiles" 74 00:03:30,893 --> 00:03:32,693 "in Your Pocket" or some... 75 00:03:32,695 --> 00:03:34,628 Yeah, no, my book is the real deal. 76 00:03:34,630 --> 00:03:36,630 It's called "The End: A Philosophy of Death." 77 00:03:36,632 --> 00:03:39,299 It's tough stuff, but I think it's really gonna resonate. 78 00:03:39,301 --> 00:03:41,935 Hey! Eggleston's one of the top boys as Colfax. 79 00:03:41,937 --> 00:03:43,403 Have you sent them a copy? 80 00:03:43,405 --> 00:03:45,038 Yes, Miles, I didn't forget to send 81 00:03:45,063 --> 00:03:46,091 my book out to one of the biggest 82 00:03:46,116 --> 00:03:47,118 publishing houses in the country. 83 00:03:47,147 --> 00:03:48,951 Great, then I shall put in a good word. 84 00:03:48,992 --> 00:03:51,959 Not to brag, but they're kind of obsessed with me. 85 00:03:51,984 --> 00:03:53,821 - He's the best! - Oh, shut up. 86 00:03:53,846 --> 00:03:55,079 Oh, it... Ah, he... 87 00:03:55,081 --> 00:03:56,514 Listen, we gotta go, Jack, uh, 88 00:03:56,516 --> 00:03:58,516 because David Blaine's about to levitate 89 00:03:58,518 --> 00:03:59,750 on the driveway. 90 00:03:59,752 --> 00:04:00,885 See ya! 91 00:04:01,420 --> 00:04:03,754 Why is Miles getting to hang out with a Sex Pistol? 92 00:04:03,756 --> 00:04:05,456 I should be hanging out with a Sex Pistol. 93 00:04:06,759 --> 00:04:08,884 - You gotta get the... - I know... 94 00:04:09,862 --> 00:04:13,232 Oh, look at you two sharing another Cobb salad. 95 00:04:13,264 --> 00:04:14,565 You know what I say. 96 00:04:14,567 --> 00:04:16,433 Share everything except negativity. 97 00:04:16,435 --> 00:04:18,169 Mm-hmm. - And napkins. 98 00:04:18,171 --> 00:04:20,004 - Yeah, we're with you. - Oh, crap! 99 00:04:20,166 --> 00:04:22,821 Superintendent's been on hold for 42 minutes. 100 00:04:22,846 --> 00:04:24,233 - Wow. - Good job, Helen. 101 00:04:24,582 --> 00:04:27,250 Okay, guys, uh, we need to update 102 00:04:27,252 --> 00:04:29,434 everyone's emergency contact info. 103 00:04:29,435 --> 00:04:32,472 As you know, last week, Mrs. Kenwood had a fall. 104 00:04:32,473 --> 00:04:34,438 We called her emergency contact. 105 00:04:34,440 --> 00:04:37,016 Turns out it was her ex-boyfriend 106 00:04:37,223 --> 00:04:38,522 and current stalker. 107 00:04:38,524 --> 00:04:40,090 Long story short, he already knew. 108 00:04:40,092 --> 00:04:41,425 Not a good guy. Okay. 109 00:04:41,427 --> 00:04:42,926 So let's get started. 110 00:04:42,928 --> 00:04:46,230 Michelle has put down her husband, Keith. 111 00:04:46,232 --> 00:04:47,470 Dreamboat alert! 112 00:04:47,471 --> 00:04:49,003 Michelle, please, we need to get through this quickly. 113 00:04:49,005 --> 00:04:50,471 Stef has put down Mary. 114 00:04:50,473 --> 00:04:51,806 Cobb club! 115 00:04:51,808 --> 00:04:53,602 Okay, can we just... Thank you. 116 00:04:53,725 --> 00:04:57,193 Mary has put down Michelle, and Cathy has put down Ben... 117 00:04:57,218 --> 00:04:59,395 Wait. What did you just say? 118 00:04:59,620 --> 00:05:02,488 Mary, what is the deal, girl? 119 00:05:02,490 --> 00:05:04,223 We were sitting next to each other 120 00:05:04,225 --> 00:05:05,348 when we filled these out. 121 00:05:05,349 --> 00:05:08,180 I put you down, and I told you to put me down. 122 00:05:08,216 --> 00:05:10,979 Right, you definitely told me to put you down, 123 00:05:10,980 --> 00:05:12,679 but I'm a grown-ass woman, so I decided 124 00:05:12,681 --> 00:05:14,052 to put Michelle down. 125 00:05:14,149 --> 00:05:16,183 Don't have a Stef freak-out and start yelling. 126 00:05:16,185 --> 00:05:17,417 I am not yelling! 127 00:05:17,419 --> 00:05:18,618 Ralph, am I yelling? 128 00:05:18,620 --> 00:05:19,753 Ralph, would you call this yelling? 129 00:05:19,755 --> 00:05:21,354 Would you consider this a yell? 130 00:05:21,356 --> 00:05:23,290 'Cause I think this is a very low-decibel "Ralph"! 131 00:05:23,292 --> 00:05:25,792 - Ralph, when someone yells... - I don't even yell, Ralph! 132 00:05:25,794 --> 00:05:27,120 I have a change of voice, Ralph! 133 00:05:27,121 --> 00:05:28,830 Hey! Oh, I can't do this. Walk away, Ralph. 134 00:05:28,831 --> 00:05:29,958 You know what? 135 00:05:30,198 --> 00:05:32,331 You can share your lunch with someone else. 136 00:05:32,852 --> 00:05:35,260 And give me my damn tomato. 137 00:05:35,323 --> 00:05:36,402 This is mine. 138 00:05:39,327 --> 00:05:41,160 You can have half my beefy broccoli. 139 00:05:41,416 --> 00:05:43,495 It really needs to be eaten today. 140 00:05:43,496 --> 00:05:45,708 It's right on the edge. 141 00:05:49,067 --> 00:05:50,806 _ 142 00:05:50,831 --> 00:05:52,690 - All right, well, you didn't get it. - _ 143 00:05:53,104 --> 00:05:55,238 _ 144 00:05:55,240 --> 00:05:57,240 - Oh, come on. - _ 145 00:05:57,242 --> 00:06:00,525 _ 146 00:06:00,526 --> 00:06:02,091 Even the Germans? 147 00:06:04,522 --> 00:06:06,489 Tell you guys, man, the whole publishing world now 148 00:06:06,491 --> 00:06:08,290 is filled with a bunch of corporate frat guys 149 00:06:08,292 --> 00:06:10,259 just so busy high-fiving themselves 150 00:06:10,261 --> 00:06:12,945 and quoting "Scarface" to appreciate real genius. 151 00:06:13,495 --> 00:06:15,831 I'm gonna be stuck in this dead-end hell town forever. 152 00:06:15,833 --> 00:06:18,133 Yesterday you called it a dried-up turd town. 153 00:06:18,313 --> 00:06:20,528 Sounds like you're warming up to Toledo. 154 00:06:21,639 --> 00:06:22,972 Uh, quick, everybody, uh, pretend 155 00:06:22,974 --> 00:06:25,007 you're at a fancy cocktail party. 156 00:06:25,415 --> 00:06:27,282 This is a wonderful fancy cocktail. 157 00:06:27,284 --> 00:06:30,487 Free shrimp, I can just... eat as much shrimp as I want? 158 00:06:30,488 --> 00:06:31,982 - All of it? - Alcohol. 159 00:06:32,529 --> 00:06:33,928 Because we're grown-ups. 160 00:06:34,113 --> 00:06:36,847 - Stop! Okay. All right. - That's enough. Plan B. 161 00:06:36,849 --> 00:06:38,115 Just cover your mouths and shut up. 162 00:06:38,117 --> 00:06:39,917 Don't say anything. Hello! Miles! 163 00:06:39,919 --> 00:06:40,989 Hey! Jack-O. 164 00:06:40,990 --> 00:06:42,020 Brilliant news. 165 00:06:42,021 --> 00:06:43,490 My publishers want to work with you. 166 00:06:43,492 --> 00:06:45,358 Your publishers want to work with me? 167 00:06:45,360 --> 00:06:46,926 Great, well, tell 'em they better hurry up 168 00:06:46,928 --> 00:06:48,628 'cause I'm about to close a number of deals 169 00:06:48,630 --> 00:06:50,230 on "A Philosophy of Death." 170 00:06:50,232 --> 00:06:51,398 You know, big deals. 171 00:06:51,400 --> 00:06:53,233 A big number of-of big deals. 172 00:06:53,235 --> 00:06:55,502 No, uh, not a problem, 'cause the guys at Colfax 173 00:06:55,504 --> 00:06:57,337 didn't actually want that book. 174 00:06:57,339 --> 00:06:59,654 They felt it was a little dark. 175 00:06:59,679 --> 00:07:01,150 But they loved your other idea. 176 00:07:01,175 --> 00:07:02,252 What other idea? 177 00:07:02,253 --> 00:07:03,785 "A Hundred Smiles in Your Pocket." 178 00:07:04,035 --> 00:07:06,669 - I was being sarcastic. - Uh, oh, were you? 179 00:07:06,671 --> 00:07:08,137 Well, they love it. 180 00:07:08,139 --> 00:07:10,572 A hundred fun, easily digestible 181 00:07:10,574 --> 00:07:12,574 philosophy nuggets that help you smile! 182 00:07:12,576 --> 00:07:13,909 I've got the lemons! 183 00:07:13,911 --> 00:07:15,711 Steve, mate, I'm on the blower here, bro. 184 00:07:15,713 --> 00:07:18,347 S-sorry, Jack, it's Steve Jones. 185 00:07:18,349 --> 00:07:20,282 Steve Jones from the Sex Pistols? 186 00:07:20,381 --> 00:07:22,373 Are you kidding me, Miles, what is happening over there? 187 00:07:22,398 --> 00:07:23,430 I know, right? 188 00:07:23,587 --> 00:07:25,222 Weirdest week ever. 189 00:07:25,223 --> 00:07:26,537 Yeah, all right, well, you know, 190 00:07:26,562 --> 00:07:27,723 look, I'm not a sellout, 191 00:07:27,725 --> 00:07:28,824 so why don't you go ahead 192 00:07:28,826 --> 00:07:29,992 and find some other clown 193 00:07:29,994 --> 00:07:31,144 to fill your pants with smiles? 194 00:07:31,145 --> 00:07:33,398 Ah, mm, that's a shame, 'cause, I mean, 195 00:07:33,423 --> 00:07:35,962 it would mean a $40,000 advance. 196 00:07:36,526 --> 00:07:39,156 Uh, 40... Well, yeah, I'm gonna do it! 197 00:07:39,477 --> 00:07:41,610 I mean, of course I'm gonna... 198 00:07:41,635 --> 00:07:42,935 What was the idea, though, again? 199 00:07:43,133 --> 00:07:45,046 "A Mile of Smiles in Your Bonnet"? 200 00:07:45,206 --> 00:07:46,572 I'll write it down this time. 201 00:07:50,386 --> 00:07:52,567 Oh, magnificent. 202 00:07:52,592 --> 00:07:54,058 Your new water heater's ready to go. 203 00:07:54,060 --> 00:07:56,488 - Great! - Thank you, Jiffy. 204 00:07:56,816 --> 00:07:58,196 That's the name of the company. 205 00:07:58,198 --> 00:08:00,164 - My name's Don. - Your name's Don? 206 00:08:00,166 --> 00:08:01,792 Well, how was I supposed to know that? 207 00:08:02,135 --> 00:08:03,267 All right, well, I don't have time 208 00:08:03,269 --> 00:08:04,602 to read your whole shirt, pal. 209 00:08:04,604 --> 00:08:06,223 All right, thanks. Take care. 210 00:08:07,040 --> 00:08:08,473 All right, you're all set. 211 00:08:08,475 --> 00:08:09,907 Time for you to get to know your remote. 212 00:08:09,909 --> 00:08:11,309 I-I think I got it, man. 213 00:08:11,311 --> 00:08:13,144 Um, and do me a favor, leave the box. 214 00:08:13,146 --> 00:08:14,946 I think I'm gonna be moving to New York City soon. 215 00:08:14,948 --> 00:08:16,147 Yeah, oh, and, uh, why don't you get 216 00:08:16,149 --> 00:08:17,415 something nice for your wife? 217 00:08:17,417 --> 00:08:18,716 Ooh. Thank you. 218 00:08:18,718 --> 00:08:20,279 But I do not have a wife. 219 00:08:20,387 --> 00:08:21,652 I want a wife so much. 220 00:08:21,654 --> 00:08:23,187 Okay. All right. Off you go. 221 00:08:23,189 --> 00:08:24,253 Thank you. 222 00:08:32,499 --> 00:08:34,565 Hey! Miles. 223 00:08:34,567 --> 00:08:36,968 Howdy-hi, Jack-O! How's the book coming along? 224 00:08:36,970 --> 00:08:38,736 It's going great... Hey, speaking of, uh, 225 00:08:38,738 --> 00:08:41,806 when can I expect that, uh, money to hit my account? 226 00:08:41,808 --> 00:08:43,508 Listen, that's why I'm calling you. 227 00:08:43,510 --> 00:08:45,243 You need to fly out to New York on Friday 228 00:08:45,245 --> 00:08:47,211 and just do a little dog and pony show 229 00:08:47,213 --> 00:08:48,726 for the guys at Colfax. 230 00:08:48,727 --> 00:08:50,425 So, what, I gotta bro out with a bunch of middle-aged 231 00:08:50,427 --> 00:08:52,461 frat guys who know nothing about good writing? 232 00:08:52,463 --> 00:08:54,723 No, you just gotta present some "smiles." 233 00:08:55,320 --> 00:08:57,287 Sure, man. Uh, yeah, whatever. 234 00:08:57,289 --> 00:08:59,155 Well, then, I shall tell them full steam ahead. 235 00:08:59,157 --> 00:09:01,391 Listen, I've gotta go... Me and David Blaine 236 00:09:01,393 --> 00:09:02,525 are getting our teeth whitened. 237 00:09:02,527 --> 00:09:03,874 More. 238 00:09:03,875 --> 00:09:05,283 Mental. Ciao for now. 239 00:09:05,315 --> 00:09:06,314 Aw! 240 00:09:06,316 --> 00:09:07,615 Why does he get to... 241 00:09:10,754 --> 00:09:11,978 Excuse me. 242 00:09:12,756 --> 00:09:13,921 Hey, Jack! 243 00:09:14,357 --> 00:09:16,324 Have you ever seen a turtle 244 00:09:16,326 --> 00:09:18,536 with a kitten riding on its back? 245 00:09:19,129 --> 00:09:20,517 Uh, no. 246 00:09:20,518 --> 00:09:22,524 Well, you got somethin' to look forward to, hon. 247 00:09:22,525 --> 00:09:24,519 You know, this incessant happy talk 248 00:09:24,521 --> 00:09:25,745 is a form of harassment. 249 00:09:25,770 --> 00:09:26,821 Aww. 250 00:09:27,159 --> 00:09:28,654 What you got there? 251 00:09:28,655 --> 00:09:31,221 It's an Italian espresso maker for the faculty lounge. 252 00:09:31,223 --> 00:09:33,423 Fancy. Does it make cocoa? 253 00:09:33,425 --> 00:09:35,192 Because I'm a strict cocoa-tarian. 254 00:09:36,584 --> 00:09:38,362 You know, I mean this in the nicest possible way, 255 00:09:38,364 --> 00:09:41,249 but you might be the worst person I've ever met. 256 00:09:42,771 --> 00:09:45,569 I'm gonna squeeze the candy out of ya! 257 00:09:45,571 --> 00:09:48,305 See, I really don't like blue cheese. 258 00:09:48,307 --> 00:09:49,451 Oh, just... 259 00:09:51,423 --> 00:09:53,457 Just laugh real hard at whatever I say. 260 00:09:53,459 --> 00:09:54,525 Just... yes? 261 00:09:54,527 --> 00:09:55,926 Oh-ho-ho! 262 00:09:57,603 --> 00:09:59,443 - Hoo! - Oh-ho! 263 00:10:01,540 --> 00:10:03,106 Quick, tell me the funniest thing 264 00:10:03,108 --> 00:10:04,674 you've ever heard in your entire life. 265 00:10:04,676 --> 00:10:06,776 Um... oh, well, Keith made me the cutest lunch. 266 00:10:06,778 --> 00:10:09,194 Yes! 267 00:10:10,148 --> 00:10:12,616 Ha-ha! You... 268 00:10:17,089 --> 00:10:19,256 _ 269 00:10:19,760 --> 00:10:21,993 You're just staring. You're not doing anything. 270 00:10:22,911 --> 00:10:23,960 Actually... 271 00:10:25,505 --> 00:10:27,038 You know what I want to know from you guys? 272 00:10:27,134 --> 00:10:28,733 Tell me, what makes you smile? 273 00:10:28,997 --> 00:10:31,111 - This feels like a trap. - No, no, it's not a trap. 274 00:10:31,112 --> 00:10:32,407 Come on, guys. Extra credit. 275 00:10:32,408 --> 00:10:33,835 Wh-what makes you happy? 276 00:10:33,836 --> 00:10:35,208 Getting my biology book back. 277 00:10:35,210 --> 00:10:36,609 Mutant strains. 278 00:10:36,611 --> 00:10:38,381 - My iPhone. - "Star Wars" LEGOs. 279 00:10:38,382 --> 00:10:39,412 Dinner with my dad 280 00:10:39,414 --> 00:10:40,918 every third Wednesday. 281 00:10:40,919 --> 00:10:42,851 I got one... So an African-American, 282 00:10:42,853 --> 00:10:45,020 a Mexican-American, and a honky walk into a bar... 283 00:10:45,022 --> 00:10:46,544 No. No. Uh-uh. 284 00:10:46,569 --> 00:10:47,956 No, we're not gonna... We're not gonna do that. 285 00:10:47,958 --> 00:10:49,541 That's-that's not what I'm talking about. 286 00:10:49,542 --> 00:10:51,686 Think more, like, warm and fuzzy, you know? 287 00:10:51,717 --> 00:10:53,751 And-and don't be afraid to share somethin' 288 00:10:53,753 --> 00:10:55,319 that just makes you feel good. 289 00:10:55,321 --> 00:10:57,881 It feels really good to pee in the shower. 290 00:10:57,921 --> 00:10:59,287 - Mm-hmm. - Yeah. I know. 291 00:10:59,289 --> 00:11:01,056 But that's-that's not what I mean. 292 00:11:01,058 --> 00:11:02,290 Sorry to interrupt 293 00:11:02,291 --> 00:11:04,090 all the learnin', but I got a little bad news. 294 00:11:04,092 --> 00:11:06,880 The wasps have overtaken the band room again, 295 00:11:06,905 --> 00:11:08,571 so practice is canceled. 296 00:11:08,927 --> 00:11:10,124 Don't be sad, though, 297 00:11:10,125 --> 00:11:12,590 because every frown is just a smile 298 00:11:12,593 --> 00:11:14,393 you're lookin' at the wrong way! 299 00:11:15,562 --> 00:11:17,696 Oh, Helen, you beautiful idiot. 300 00:11:28,042 --> 00:11:29,213 Hey! 301 00:11:29,214 --> 00:11:30,609 Good morning! 302 00:11:30,611 --> 00:11:33,111 There she is. Uh, Helen, would you like 303 00:11:33,113 --> 00:11:34,993 to come to dinner tonight at my place? 304 00:11:35,103 --> 00:11:37,770 I knew I shouldn't have worn this low-cut blouse. 305 00:11:37,772 --> 00:11:40,840 Jack, I am sorry, but you're just not my type. 306 00:11:40,842 --> 00:11:41,941 No! No, it's not that. 307 00:11:41,943 --> 00:11:43,109 I just thought it might be nice 308 00:11:43,111 --> 00:11:44,610 for us to get to know each other. 309 00:11:44,612 --> 00:11:45,630 Really? 310 00:11:46,122 --> 00:11:48,373 Well, I would love that! 311 00:11:48,524 --> 00:11:50,958 Looks like somebody got bit by the sweetie bug! 312 00:11:50,960 --> 00:11:52,226 Right on my li'l bum-bum. 313 00:11:52,228 --> 00:11:53,694 Oh! 314 00:11:53,696 --> 00:11:55,257 Your bum-bum! 315 00:11:55,665 --> 00:11:57,604 Oh, that's so cute! 316 00:11:57,605 --> 00:11:59,804 I have not heard "bum-bum." 317 00:12:00,221 --> 00:12:02,497 I am gonna have a nip slip on this. 318 00:12:04,926 --> 00:12:05,991 Jack. 319 00:12:06,195 --> 00:12:08,465 That was the most sumptuous plate of food 320 00:12:08,502 --> 00:12:10,101 I have ever had in my whole life. 321 00:12:10,126 --> 00:12:11,959 Yeah. Spaghetti's good. 322 00:12:11,961 --> 00:12:13,794 Uh, but listen, there is... 323 00:12:13,796 --> 00:12:15,867 another reason why I brought you here tonight. 324 00:12:15,868 --> 00:12:17,385 Damn this blouse! 325 00:12:17,386 --> 00:12:19,503 No, Helen, it's not the... It's never gonna be the blouse, 326 00:12:19,528 --> 00:12:21,361 all right, I just, I'm working on a book 327 00:12:21,363 --> 00:12:23,854 to help people smile, and I thought, 328 00:12:24,166 --> 00:12:27,222 well, who makes me smile more than anyone? 329 00:12:27,636 --> 00:12:29,327 - Helen? - Yeah. 330 00:12:29,538 --> 00:12:31,138 Ha-ha. Helen does. 331 00:12:31,140 --> 00:12:33,273 So, um, I need your help. 332 00:12:33,275 --> 00:12:36,076 Oh, I'd be so honored to help you with your book. 333 00:12:36,078 --> 00:12:37,544 You know what I always say. 334 00:12:37,546 --> 00:12:40,180 Always go for a second helping of helping! 335 00:12:40,182 --> 00:12:42,049 Okay, yes! That's the stuff I need. 336 00:12:42,051 --> 00:12:43,450 Yeah, I-I need... I need more of those. 337 00:12:43,452 --> 00:12:44,918 You got a bunch of those? 338 00:12:44,920 --> 00:12:46,687 Well, how about we get together tomorrow, 339 00:12:46,689 --> 00:12:48,255 maybe lunchtime, 340 00:12:48,257 --> 00:12:49,656 and I can give you a whole bunch of 'em... 341 00:12:49,658 --> 00:12:51,458 No, no, no. No, uh, now. 342 00:12:51,460 --> 00:12:52,626 I need 'em now. 343 00:12:52,628 --> 00:12:54,394 Oh, Jack, I-I'm tuckered out. 344 00:12:54,396 --> 00:12:55,996 It's almost 8:30. 345 00:12:55,998 --> 00:12:57,331 Wait, wait, wait, wait. No, no, no, just... 346 00:12:57,333 --> 00:12:59,233 I just need... I need 75 more of these, 347 00:12:59,235 --> 00:13:00,901 and then we're good... Come on, we can do it. 348 00:13:00,903 --> 00:13:03,495 Look, I'll, uh, I'll make us some coffee. 349 00:13:03,672 --> 00:13:06,498 - Oh, I-I really shouldn't. - Helen. 350 00:13:07,222 --> 00:13:08,455 What's one cup? 351 00:13:08,457 --> 00:13:10,229 Ugh, God, that smells good. 352 00:13:14,994 --> 00:13:18,695 High fives and low fives are better than no fives! 353 00:13:18,720 --> 00:13:19,699 Ha-ha! 354 00:13:19,701 --> 00:13:21,434 If somebody calls you a wet blanket, 355 00:13:21,436 --> 00:13:23,269 ask 'em how they'd like it in a desert 356 00:13:23,271 --> 00:13:24,371 if they saw you there. 357 00:13:24,373 --> 00:13:25,572 Are you getting this? 358 00:13:25,574 --> 00:13:27,208 Yes. Yes. M-more. More. 359 00:13:27,209 --> 00:13:30,508 If you step on a berry, you just made some jam! 360 00:13:31,242 --> 00:13:32,975 I think I need more coffee, Jack. 361 00:13:35,093 --> 00:13:37,053 If you pass gas when you leave a room, 362 00:13:37,054 --> 00:13:38,319 it's called a toodle-oo! 363 00:13:38,588 --> 00:13:40,061 That the first half of something? 364 00:13:40,062 --> 00:13:41,594 If you spill your milk, 365 00:13:41,596 --> 00:13:43,998 it's just a paper towel gettin' a promotion! 366 00:13:44,074 --> 00:13:46,007 Oh, my God, here's a good one, Jack. 367 00:13:46,009 --> 00:13:48,999 If you escape the womb, you can escape anything! 368 00:13:49,000 --> 00:13:50,084 Boom! 369 00:13:50,400 --> 00:13:52,112 I am gonna be rich. 370 00:13:59,175 --> 00:14:01,976 So that was the Wikipedia entry, 371 00:14:01,978 --> 00:14:04,880 and this is your paper. 372 00:14:05,448 --> 00:14:06,747 Okay, Ralph. 373 00:14:06,772 --> 00:14:08,749 It is the third Friday of the month. 374 00:14:09,022 --> 00:14:10,401 Funky Friday? 375 00:14:10,402 --> 00:14:12,334 The day that Mary and I usually break out the karaoke machine? 376 00:14:12,336 --> 00:14:14,169 Well, today, Mary can suck an egg, 377 00:14:14,171 --> 00:14:17,473 because you and I are going to crush a duet. 378 00:14:17,475 --> 00:14:19,341 Oh, no, I haven't performed in years. 379 00:14:19,343 --> 00:14:22,778 I mean, I played trombone in a ska band in college. 380 00:14:22,780 --> 00:14:24,413 You know, the Skanky Doodles. 381 00:14:24,415 --> 00:14:26,448 We had a killer rendition of "Proud to Be an American," 382 00:14:26,450 --> 00:14:28,817 all ska'd out, and, you know, it was ironic. 383 00:14:28,819 --> 00:14:31,120 But also, no, we were very patriotic 384 00:14:31,358 --> 00:14:33,022 but also questioned everything. 385 00:14:33,024 --> 00:14:35,650 You know, the... '90s were nuts! 386 00:14:35,737 --> 00:14:36,926 You'll be fine. 387 00:14:36,928 --> 00:14:38,560 No one's gonna be looking at you anyway. 388 00:14:38,562 --> 00:14:39,707 See you later, girl! 389 00:14:46,043 --> 00:14:47,976 - What is this? - Hey, hey, hey, hey. 390 00:14:47,978 --> 00:14:50,178 That's my presentation. Give me that. 391 00:14:50,180 --> 00:14:51,713 Don't ever go through my stuff again, 392 00:14:51,715 --> 00:14:54,730 or I'll beat your ass with whatever I can... find. 393 00:14:54,731 --> 00:14:56,263 Aw, you seem upset. 394 00:14:56,265 --> 00:14:57,918 Yo, maybe this will cheer you up. 395 00:14:57,919 --> 00:15:00,987 Fries are like jeans... They, uh, go with anything. 396 00:15:01,299 --> 00:15:03,236 That's very funny. 397 00:15:03,261 --> 00:15:04,822 You know what's really gonna cheer me up? 398 00:15:04,824 --> 00:15:06,190 All the money I'm gonna get from the millions 399 00:15:06,192 --> 00:15:07,558 of people who buy my new book. 400 00:15:07,560 --> 00:15:08,826 "Hundred Smiles in Your Pocket"? 401 00:15:08,828 --> 00:15:09,661 That's lame. 402 00:15:09,663 --> 00:15:11,061 "You grow each day. 403 00:15:11,062 --> 00:15:12,630 Just ask your fingernails." 404 00:15:12,632 --> 00:15:14,132 Yeah, well, of course it sounds terrible 405 00:15:14,134 --> 00:15:15,366 when Marcus reads it. 406 00:15:15,368 --> 00:15:17,574 This is the book you told Miles you weren't gonna write. 407 00:15:17,575 --> 00:15:19,665 It seems like you're selling out, boss. 408 00:15:19,707 --> 00:15:21,173 No, this isn't selling out. 409 00:15:21,175 --> 00:15:22,841 Let me just explain how the world works. 410 00:15:22,843 --> 00:15:24,143 You see, sometimes, you write something 411 00:15:24,145 --> 00:15:25,343 that's just so brilliant 412 00:15:25,368 --> 00:15:27,179 that dum-dums don't want to publish it. 413 00:15:27,571 --> 00:15:30,983 So you go schmooze with a couple Chad Bro Chillingtons, 414 00:15:30,985 --> 00:15:32,518 you know, and then you crank out 415 00:15:32,520 --> 00:15:34,400 whatever drivel they want, get paid. 416 00:15:34,628 --> 00:15:36,822 That is the exact definition of selling out. 417 00:15:36,824 --> 00:15:38,490 Yeah, well, I'll be sure to explain that 418 00:15:38,492 --> 00:15:39,925 to the Sex Pistols when we're watching 419 00:15:39,927 --> 00:15:41,860 David Copperfield levitate in my hot tub. 420 00:15:41,862 --> 00:15:45,126 Maybe he can pull your integrity out of a hat. 421 00:15:46,000 --> 00:15:48,567 He certainly made your principles disappear. 422 00:15:48,569 --> 00:15:50,402 - Right? - Ha. Magic puns. 423 00:15:50,404 --> 00:15:51,703 Yeah, nice. 424 00:15:51,705 --> 00:15:53,639 The ultimate indicator of popularity. 425 00:15:53,641 --> 00:15:55,507 You know what? I'm gonna take off, 426 00:15:55,509 --> 00:15:57,142 go to the airport early, 427 00:15:57,144 --> 00:15:58,165 grab a Cinnabon. 428 00:15:59,780 --> 00:16:01,980 I got it... "Maybe David Copperfield 429 00:16:01,982 --> 00:16:03,148 could pull a rabbit out of..." 430 00:16:03,150 --> 00:16:04,542 Dude, he left. 431 00:16:08,361 --> 00:16:11,206 It is Friday! Who's ready to get funky? 432 00:16:11,439 --> 00:16:12,564 Hey, guys. 433 00:16:12,566 --> 00:16:15,962 Me and my bestie are going to sing it out. 434 00:16:15,987 --> 00:16:19,104 - Come on, Durbs. - All right. Ahem. 435 00:16:19,106 --> 00:16:20,672 ? I tell you what I want, what I really ? 436 00:16:20,674 --> 00:16:22,507 ? Really want, so tell me what you want ? 437 00:16:22,509 --> 00:16:24,309 ? What you really, really want ? 438 00:16:24,311 --> 00:16:26,111 ? I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna ? 439 00:16:26,113 --> 00:16:28,666 ? Really, really, really want to zig-a-zig-nope! ? 440 00:16:28,667 --> 00:16:32,024 Guys, I'm sorry, this... ugh, this is wrong. 441 00:16:32,049 --> 00:16:33,873 All right? And I don't mean my singing. 442 00:16:33,898 --> 00:16:36,565 I think I surprised everyone, including myself, 443 00:16:36,567 --> 00:16:40,202 with how good I was, but Mary and Stef, 444 00:16:40,204 --> 00:16:42,583 you guys, you've had the smallest disagreement, 445 00:16:42,584 --> 00:16:44,705 a-and you're both being so stubborn. 446 00:16:44,929 --> 00:16:46,742 I mean, one of you has gotta step up 447 00:16:46,744 --> 00:16:48,143 and be the bigger woman. 448 00:16:48,145 --> 00:16:50,417 I know he did not just say "bigger woman." 449 00:16:51,723 --> 00:16:53,723 Fine, you know what, I guess... 450 00:16:53,724 --> 00:16:55,791 I guess I did freak out a little bit 451 00:16:55,793 --> 00:16:58,060 because I was jealous that you picked Michelle, 452 00:16:58,062 --> 00:17:00,929 and I thought we agreed we were picking each other. 453 00:17:00,931 --> 00:17:02,287 But we didn't agree. 454 00:17:02,288 --> 00:17:03,753 You told me to put you down and just thought 455 00:17:03,756 --> 00:17:06,323 I would follow along, and I usually do. 456 00:17:06,325 --> 00:17:08,359 Cobb club. Funky Friday. 457 00:17:08,361 --> 00:17:10,652 Getting our nails done on the 14th of every month. 458 00:17:11,130 --> 00:17:12,529 Gotta come up with a name for that one. 459 00:17:12,531 --> 00:17:14,798 So you don't like all of that stuff. 460 00:17:14,800 --> 00:17:16,600 No, I love it! 461 00:17:16,602 --> 00:17:19,362 But that doesn't mean I'm gonna blindly do everything you say. 462 00:17:19,605 --> 00:17:22,139 Besides, I only chose Michelle as my emergency contact 463 00:17:22,141 --> 00:17:23,774 'cause if something crazy happened to me, 464 00:17:23,776 --> 00:17:26,343 well, you'd be right by my side doing it too. 465 00:17:26,345 --> 00:17:27,778 Remember the last time we almost died? 466 00:17:28,088 --> 00:17:30,547 Drunk, topless, parasailing in the Bahamas? 467 00:17:30,549 --> 00:17:32,950 Mm-hmm. Girl, you're right. 468 00:17:32,952 --> 00:17:34,318 I guess if there was an emergency, 469 00:17:34,320 --> 00:17:36,640 chances are we'd be in it together. 470 00:17:37,156 --> 00:17:38,622 You know what, Ralph? 471 00:17:38,624 --> 00:17:41,225 Make Michelle my emergency contact too. 472 00:17:41,227 --> 00:17:43,227 Aww! You're so sweet! 473 00:17:43,229 --> 00:17:44,495 Mm-hmm. 474 00:17:44,497 --> 00:17:45,996 So, okay, worst-case scenario, 475 00:17:45,998 --> 00:17:47,331 how long do you want me to wait 476 00:17:47,333 --> 00:17:49,400 before I give that plug a little yank? 477 00:17:49,402 --> 00:17:53,070 - Jeez, Michelle! - Long! Very long! 478 00:17:53,072 --> 00:17:54,972 Okay. Okay. 479 00:18:06,135 --> 00:18:07,621 All right, come on, bitch. 480 00:18:08,784 --> 00:18:10,310 Come on, bitch. 481 00:18:10,895 --> 00:18:12,518 You got this, bitch. 482 00:18:13,765 --> 00:18:15,670 Don't be a bitch! 483 00:18:22,240 --> 00:18:23,821 Come on, bitch. You little bitch! 484 00:18:24,075 --> 00:18:26,142 Hey! What's up, bro? 485 00:18:26,144 --> 00:18:27,243 What's up, bronies? 486 00:18:27,245 --> 00:18:28,778 Hey, brosephinas. Nice. 487 00:18:28,780 --> 00:18:32,548 Oh! It's the Egg-Man from the FaceTime. 488 00:18:32,550 --> 00:18:35,089 Say hello to my little friend. 489 00:18:35,420 --> 00:18:38,029 Mm? Oh? Yep. 490 00:18:39,699 --> 00:18:41,132 Hey, Jack. 491 00:18:41,259 --> 00:18:42,925 Uh, we're really excited about this. 492 00:18:42,927 --> 00:18:44,032 Totally. 493 00:18:48,266 --> 00:18:49,596 You okay, Jack? 494 00:18:52,103 --> 00:18:53,102 No. 495 00:18:53,104 --> 00:18:54,771 No, guys, I can't, uh... 496 00:18:54,773 --> 00:18:56,071 I can't do this. 497 00:18:56,726 --> 00:18:58,391 Look, I, uh... 498 00:18:58,695 --> 00:19:00,397 I want to tell you guys about something better. 499 00:19:00,830 --> 00:19:03,476 It's called "The End: A Philosophy of Death." 500 00:19:04,168 --> 00:19:05,287 That's me. 501 00:19:05,288 --> 00:19:06,914 That's what I'm about. 502 00:19:07,423 --> 00:19:09,122 Yeah, I thought Miles told you. 503 00:19:09,124 --> 00:19:10,791 It's not something we're interested in. 504 00:19:10,793 --> 00:19:13,174 Well, that's the only book on the table today, so... 505 00:19:13,462 --> 00:19:15,186 We get it, Jack, I mean, 506 00:19:15,187 --> 00:19:18,454 the smile book must have been pretty tough for you to write. 507 00:19:18,929 --> 00:19:21,162 Hold on a second there. Who said it was tough? 508 00:19:21,164 --> 00:19:22,897 'Cause that wasn't tough, all right? 509 00:19:22,899 --> 00:19:24,933 And if you guys read what I wrote, you'd love it. 510 00:19:24,935 --> 00:19:26,668 You'd go nuts. You'd buy it in a heartbeat. 511 00:19:26,670 --> 00:19:28,514 Here, let me just... Hold on. 512 00:19:29,147 --> 00:19:30,513 Oh, God. 513 00:19:30,515 --> 00:19:32,048 Who threw away all this potato salad? 514 00:19:32,050 --> 00:19:33,717 That was mine. Sorry. 515 00:19:33,719 --> 00:19:35,952 All right, well, whatever, I'm just gonna hit you guys 516 00:19:35,954 --> 00:19:37,554 with a couple of these smiles here. 517 00:19:37,556 --> 00:19:38,722 Uh, number 22. 518 00:19:38,724 --> 00:19:40,805 "It's not a flat tire, it's a swing." 519 00:19:42,594 --> 00:19:44,494 Smile 46: "If you step on a berry, 520 00:19:44,496 --> 00:19:45,662 you just made jam." 521 00:19:45,664 --> 00:19:46,963 See, I think I've proven my point. 522 00:19:46,965 --> 00:19:48,665 You know, I can... I can crank out 523 00:19:48,667 --> 00:19:50,182 the kind of crap you guys want, but guess what? 524 00:19:51,570 --> 00:19:53,136 You're never gonna get any of it. 525 00:19:53,138 --> 00:19:56,161 Yeah, none of this is what we wanted, at all. 526 00:19:56,162 --> 00:19:57,507 You know what, I'm glad I'm not moving 527 00:19:57,509 --> 00:19:58,574 to this stupid city. 528 00:19:58,575 --> 00:20:00,043 It's just filled with a bunch of sellouts 529 00:20:00,045 --> 00:20:01,177 like you, Eggleston. 530 00:20:01,179 --> 00:20:02,412 Yeah, you're all just a bunch 531 00:20:02,414 --> 00:20:04,014 of fedora-wearing phonies! 532 00:20:05,232 --> 00:20:07,347 None of us have fedoras. 533 00:20:07,653 --> 00:20:11,032 Buddy... you are a fedora. 534 00:20:13,621 --> 00:20:15,487 So, I wasn't able to hit Eggleston, 535 00:20:15,488 --> 00:20:17,053 but I pee-peed on his building, 536 00:20:17,055 --> 00:20:18,721 and I popped one of the interns pretty good. 537 00:20:18,723 --> 00:20:20,790 There's a warrant for my arrest in New York, 538 00:20:20,792 --> 00:20:21,791 but guess what? 539 00:20:21,793 --> 00:20:23,033 I ain't in New York. 540 00:20:23,407 --> 00:20:25,720 So, a bunch of us read your book about death. 541 00:20:26,610 --> 00:20:29,370 Yeah, yeah, it's... You know, it's... bleak. 542 00:20:29,954 --> 00:20:31,180 It was awesome. 543 00:20:31,182 --> 00:20:33,582 I can't stop thinking about it. 544 00:20:33,584 --> 00:20:35,317 Parts of it were, like, scary. 545 00:20:35,319 --> 00:20:37,186 And I like the part about how, uh, 546 00:20:37,188 --> 00:20:39,355 destruction and creation are basically the same thing. 547 00:20:39,357 --> 00:20:41,357 Oh, or the mouse trap analogy. 548 00:20:41,359 --> 00:20:42,858 That was about destruction, right? 549 00:20:42,860 --> 00:20:44,493 No, no, it was about creation. 550 00:20:44,495 --> 00:20:46,362 They're the same thing, idiot. 551 00:20:46,364 --> 00:20:49,031 No, that's the thing, it's a cyclical process, right? 552 00:20:53,344 --> 00:20:54,810 - I'm dying. - Totally. 553 00:20:54,812 --> 00:20:56,567 We're dying. Man, you dying! 554 00:20:56,848 --> 00:20:58,180 You're dying... You got a little sister? 555 00:20:58,182 --> 00:20:59,381 She dying too! 556 00:21:01,766 --> 00:21:04,134 Synced and corrected by louvette www.addic7ed.com