Oh, for the...
- That's disgusting. - Me?
You're the one that's covered in farts.
And why couldn't you put on some clothes
- before we left the village? - What, seriously?
You think I'd be caught dead dressed like a Nazi?
Those old cannibal women had washed and folded
- your regular clothes. - Well, it's also hard to go back
after you taste the freedom of the coconut.
- Master coconut! - Nobody gets that!
- You know what I don't get? - The fact that you're not really a goddess?
- I was gonna say fractions. - I was gonna say fractions.
I don't get why she's even with us.
- I'm here because... - Because I say so.
So end of story.
- In return for which... - I split the idol with you 50/50.
I... wait, no. I-I'd split it with you 50/50.
- It comes out the same. - Yeah, but... what, wait, what?
You, me and the idol makes three. What do you say?
- Wait, what are they saying? - Nothing.
No, what are you talking about?
- Nothing! - Okay!
- God! - There are no gods!
Will you idiots hold it down?
Mon dieu.
Jesus, loud much? Are you trying to attract apex predators?
Oh, please. I just wiped out
a literal goddamn boatload of Nazi stormtroopers.
Doesn't get much more apex than that.
All right, Mr. Tough Guy. You don't have to chuckle menacingly.
- What? I wasn't. - Holy shit, look! There it is.
Okay, so, just so we're all on the same page,
we're walking into an active volcano.
Well, that's where the idol is, so...
I was double-checking, Noah!
I don't know why you make me so furious.
For me, it's his face.
sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~
Oh, come on.
Put your backs into it.
If I put my back in any more,
it's gonna come gooshin' out my front.
Oui, c'est impossible. I give up.
- How French. - You know...
So what? We just sit here and wait for a clue
- from a goddamn thrush? - Thrushes.
Uh, what are you talking about?
- Like at the portal of Erebor. - Uh...
- Jesus, dummy, in The Hobbit. - The what?
- Wait, what? - Seriously?
Holy shit, that's right.
He's been on this crummy island four years,
- so he's never heard of The Hobbit. - Which, as we all know,
was published just last year in 1937.
So, what is it? A motion picture or...?
Damn it, bird!
- It's a book. - It's the book.
It's got dwarves. It's got goblins.
It's got wizards. It's got, um...
- Hobbits? - Hobbits!
Huh. You guys don't really strike me as readers,
- especially of fantasy. - That's because you're an asshole.
Might I make a suggestion?
I know what you're gonna say, Mother,
but even if we had enough people to act out the book,
we don't have time.
- Yeah, it's long as shit. - I don't see that as a negative.
- I don't know. All those songs. - Eh.
Well, as stupid as this is, I was going to suggest
- pulling on the door? - Goddamn it.
- Mm-hmm. - Whoa!
Lucky guess. Okay, let's see here.
Um...
Jesus Christ!
- Noah! - Yeah?
You're on point, buddy.
Wunderbar.
Those damn fools are going to lead me straight to the idol.
And themselves straight to hell.
_
Are you crazy?
- It's pitch black down there. - Noah, if I have to ask you again,
- it's gonna be in the form of a shove. - But...
What the...?
No, no, no, no, no!
Noah, go open the door.
How? I can't even see my hand in front of my face.
Well, then I guess you can't see my fists
swinging around like a goddamn windmill
as I walk toward you, so...
Ow!
- Oh. - Goddamn it!
- Did I get you? - What do you think?
- Seriously? - God, moron.
Oh, come on. I was trying to hit Noah.
For the love of God, will...!
There is no... Ow!
- Now will someone open the door? - Okay! God!
I think the floor did that.
Well, it should make this a lot easier.
What, a floor that when you step on it random shit happens?
Yeah, so I guess, everybody, watch your step.
- Uh, that's it? - Um... watch your step and shut up?
- Yeah. Thanks. - Okay. - Real mature.
Oh, and I guess try not to bunch up.
Sauf toi Doudou, reste a côté de moi.
Doudou?
- What's happening? - Doudou!
- Oh, it's just like the ponies. - Oh, man!
That's hobbit as balls!
We must go back. We cannot just leave Doudou.
Well, not to split hairs, but he left us, so...
- Jesus Christ! - Oh, no. What?
Noah, what the shit was that?
Well, I'm not a volcanologist, and glad of it, am I right?
But the Mua Mua were always talking about how Tarako
was way overdue to erupt.
- Bad news. - Great.
Oh, how would a bunch of cannibals know?
- Oral tradition? - And, you know, technically,
- now you're all cannibals, so... - I had one little kebab.
What were we supposed to do, insult them?
- Plus, I was pretty hungry. - Can we just pick a direction?
Well, they're both pretty well lit.
- I say we turn back. - Quel choc.
- Then go. Nobody's stopping you. - Fine.
Quoi?
- Mérde. - So left?
Okay, and was it just me, or when that big rumble happened
was everybody for a second like, "Oh, my God, Smaug"?
- Yes! Right? - Who?
- Oh, my God. - It's like...
- He's got no frame of reference. - Smaug, dickhead!
The fire-breathing dragon who lives under the mountain.
_
- Whoa. - Goddamn it.
So, when you say "way overdue..."
I don't know, ten years? 10,000?
So, either way, probably not great.
- Ugh, look. - It's a dead end.
- Damn it, I said we should go right. - No, you didn't.
Well? Okay, so let's double back.
No, look, I think there's a door here.
Where?
And some crazy cannibal cartoons.
Petroglyphs.
- What do they say? - Um... uh...
- Noah! - Okay.
It says, "This is the temple of the fire god Tarako,
guarded by the tupua." There's a powerful curse,
which the Mua Mua already told me about, so, uh...
That's pretty good.
- What?! - What does it say?!
Well, it's a pun; it makes a play on the word for "curse,"
but also the word for "soup," but it's more like a stew, I guess.
Like, uh... Oh.
We don't really have a word for it in Engl... Ow!
We do have a word for it! "Stew"!
Does it say how to open the door?
- Yeah, it says push. - Idiot.
Wait, so... do we want to talk about this curse, or... Whaaat?!
- Huh. - Well? Where's the damn idol?
- Um, Noah? - I don't kn... Ow!
- Then what the hell good are you?! - I got us in the door, didn't I?
I think it's safe to assume we would've tried pushing on it.
- Maybe eventually, but... - No, no, it's got to be here.
- Come on, help me look. - Okay.
- Okay, yeah. - All right.
Well, if you find a bar, I'll take a Mai Tai, hold the fruit juice.
- What the...?! - What?! - Uh...
Whoa! Look! Check it out!
- Is it a bar? - Why would it be a bar?
Why wouldn't it? This whole place is like a prehistoric Trader Vic's.
Ooh, I think her totem pole did it.
Uh, actually, totem poles are indige... Ow!
Holy shit! Pam, sit on that one.
Reynaud, sit on yours!
Okay, uh, lady whose life I ruined.
Oh, my God, I forgot about that.
- It's working. - Look at that.
- Voilá! - Noah, Princess, come on, go, go, go!
Holy shit. It's a giant emerald.
Wait a minute, do emeralds glow in the dark?
No, but uranium does.
- What? - Uranium? - Seriously?
I bet uranium's worth a jillion times more than emeralds.
- Sterling, wait! - What?!
- It's radioactive. - Oh, of course.
That's what the whole "death soup" thing was about.
- Goddamn it, Noah. - Jesus, Noah!
The Mua Mua legend says anybody who touches the idol
starts puking and shitting blood and then, uh, melts.
- Now you tell us?! - Also, ew.
Come to think of it, I don't know how anybody could've carved it.
Why would those cannibals let us come all this way
to find the damn thing if they knew it would kill us?
I really can't stress how much they hate white people.
- Even after we ate Nazis together? - Oh, yeah.
I bet they're laughing their well-toned asses off.
Well, then they're not really our friends.
- Wow. - Had to be said.
Okay, so how do we get it out of here
without shitting ourselves to death?
- We can roll it. - I don't know.
- Lead! - Uh, lead? - Um...
- So stupid. - Like when you get an X-ray.
Hey that's right, lead's a natural radiation shield.
Hey, he's right.
- He's right? - Yeah, you heard the man.
- Ugh! - So where are we going
to find enough lead in this place to wrap it up?
What?
Perhaps I can help.
No, thank you.
_
Mérde!
Ugh.
We got company! Late. Stupid.
Hey, Fritz! You got company.
Goddamn it.
You are powerless against Uber-Fuchs!
So, hey, after we get out of here...
- You think we're gonna live through this? - Why wouldn't we?
- Reloading. - Firing!
What the...?
Goddamn it!
It's not often you find a primitive people
who understand the callback.
Oh, crap, I got to rewrite my thesis.
Son of a...
_
Ha-ha! How do you like them apples?!
_
__
Shit!
Ow! I don't like those apples at all!
Right? Could things get any worse?
- Maybe I am a goddess... Ow! - Thank you!
- Was ist los?! - Holy shit, look!
- Well, shit! - Check it out, lava.
Oh, I wonder if that's what the petroglyphs meant
by "death soup." Oh, yeah, kinda makes sense.
I mean, if you think ab... Ow!
Guys, come on. That's dangerous.
Yes, fools, cower before me.
Just like the world will cower before the German Reich
- once we have the idol! - Says who?
Says mein Fuhrer, Adolf Hitler!
The idol is pure uranium!
And with it, we will construct a Wunderwaffe
with the power to destroy entire cities!
- Oh, typical. - Of what?
- I don't know, Nazis? - Oh, for the... Will you do something?!
Like what, play "Dem Bones" at him?
Oh, great, now that's stuck in my head.
Was ist...? Ugh! Verdammt Scheissdreck...
- Look, he's empty, too! - Well, yeah, but...
...he's still a giant robot.
- Seriously? - Yeah. Look at him.
- So, you're not gonna do anything? - Well, I'm no good to us dead.
What good are you alive?
Ja!
_
__
- And what do you think you're doing? - I have company.
- Goddamn it! - Well...
Pam!
Hyah!
No!
Sterling!
That was your plan?!
- It worked, didn't it? - I mean...
- Get off me, you fool! - Shut up!
- Somebody do something. - I will go for help!
- Merci, asshole! - Not a problem.
Archer, it's too heavy. I cant hang on!
- Hang on! - No, that's what I'm saying.
I'm saying it like "give me a second."
- Yeah, I get that, but... - Jesus Christ, will you shut up?
Nein, nein, nein! Was is you doing?!
- Sending you... - Sterling!
...to hell!
Sterling!
Oh, for the love of God!
This actually weighs the same.
- I... realize that, idiot. - Oh, I'm the idiot?
- I mean... - What? Wait. No, no, no.
- Archer, no! Hang on. - Oh, hey, princess.
Listen... listen, if we ever meet again...
- Sterling, no! - Please!
...just remember this.
We were this close to banging.
- No, we weren't. - Yes, we... Whoa!
- Sterling! - Archer!
This close.
Oh, for the... Come on, seriously?
What, you couldn't find a snow globe?
Oh, quit your bitching.
Good morning... Mother!
Shut up.
sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~