1 00:00:06,060 --> 00:00:07,884 All right, let the heathens board. 2 00:00:08,096 --> 00:00:10,129 Maybe you should check that compartment first. 3 00:00:15,056 --> 00:00:16,659 Happy birthday... 4 00:00:16,683 --> 00:00:18,410 You know I can't eat your supermarket trash. 5 00:00:18,411 --> 00:00:20,145 I need to keep it tight for my party tonight. 6 00:00:20,170 --> 00:00:22,137 This is a milestone birthday for me. 7 00:00:22,172 --> 00:00:25,874 Right, because you're turning thi... or... xty. 8 00:00:25,909 --> 00:00:27,637 People much smarter than you have tried to figure out 9 00:00:27,684 --> 00:00:29,872 how old I am, and they have all failed. 10 00:00:29,873 --> 00:00:31,639 Relax. Your parties are always incredible. 11 00:00:31,674 --> 00:00:32,940 They get better and better every year. 12 00:00:32,975 --> 00:00:34,842 You think that's by accident? It takes work. 13 00:00:34,877 --> 00:00:36,710 You just don't throw together an avant-garde 14 00:00:36,746 --> 00:00:39,051 Bible-themed "Fashion of the Christ" costume party. 15 00:00:39,272 --> 00:00:41,065 Speaking of which, what's the costume? 16 00:00:41,472 --> 00:00:44,112 Well, I was thinking of being a sexy Rachel from Laban, 17 00:00:44,149 --> 00:00:47,016 Genesis 29:16. It's a deep cut. 18 00:00:47,052 --> 00:00:49,018 No deep cuts! Stick to the hits. 19 00:00:49,054 --> 00:00:50,954 Hey there, team. Enough chitchat, Bernie, 20 00:00:50,989 --> 00:00:52,755 let's get to work... Two choices. 21 00:00:52,791 --> 00:00:55,614 I've got sexy Nebuchadnezzar, or sexy Goliath. 22 00:00:55,640 --> 00:00:58,127 I'm leaning towards Goliath because it shows off my thighs, 23 00:00:58,163 --> 00:00:59,801 and they're my second-best feature. 24 00:01:00,098 --> 00:01:02,534 Meaty but lean, like a fine turkey chili. 25 00:01:02,535 --> 00:01:04,342 - Goliath will be fine. - Yes! 26 00:01:07,405 --> 00:01:09,096 There was no trash in there. 27 00:01:09,573 --> 00:01:11,340 It was a clean bag. 28 00:01:12,710 --> 00:01:13,709 Jackpot Airlines. 29 00:01:13,744 --> 00:01:15,644 Northeast-bound to Las Vegas. 30 00:01:20,551 --> 00:01:22,651 Synced and corrected by louvette www.addic7ed.com 31 00:01:24,235 --> 00:01:26,902 Marcia Gimble is arguing the commons 32 00:01:26,938 --> 00:01:28,720 doesn't need a car-charging station. 33 00:01:28,973 --> 00:01:30,504 Honey, sit up straight. 34 00:01:31,242 --> 00:01:33,976 - Good afternoon. - Hi. I'm Nichole. 35 00:01:34,011 --> 00:01:36,145 We've never met before. I'm on my way to Las Vegas 36 00:01:36,214 --> 00:01:38,233 for the very first time because my mother 37 00:01:38,513 --> 00:01:40,813 surprised me with backstage passes to Celine Dion. 38 00:01:41,042 --> 00:01:43,430 She's very well-connected because she's the deputy mayor 39 00:01:43,455 --> 00:01:45,832 of Calabasas, and frowns upon almost everything. 40 00:01:45,833 --> 00:01:46,931 It's nice to meet you. 41 00:01:46,966 --> 00:01:48,216 You as well. 42 00:01:49,636 --> 00:01:51,002 She was the normal one. 43 00:01:51,180 --> 00:01:52,703 Are you tired 44 00:01:52,739 --> 00:01:54,839 of the same old restaurant experience? 45 00:01:54,874 --> 00:01:57,742 Then do what I do and head down to Broth, 46 00:01:57,810 --> 00:02:01,387 Vegas' finest new eatery, where everything's soup, 47 00:02:01,421 --> 00:02:04,181 including you, because the dining room's 48 00:02:04,206 --> 00:02:05,673 a Jacuzzi. 49 00:02:07,060 --> 00:02:09,632 Hey. Hey, hey, hey. Is Bernard all right? 50 00:02:09,701 --> 00:02:11,400 I just wished him a happy birthday, 51 00:02:11,436 --> 00:02:12,668 and he said, "Why can't people just say 52 00:02:12,704 --> 00:02:14,504 'Merry Christmas' anymore?" 53 00:02:14,572 --> 00:02:16,706 Yeah, he's distracted today. 54 00:02:16,741 --> 00:02:18,708 He's just a little wound up about his party. 55 00:02:18,743 --> 00:02:20,443 Bernard can get wound? 56 00:02:20,478 --> 00:02:22,191 Ah, I've only ever seen him be like... 57 00:02:22,218 --> 00:02:23,962 You know what, that's probably not an impression 58 00:02:23,987 --> 00:02:25,019 I should be trying. 59 00:02:25,044 --> 00:02:26,643 He just gets so worked up 60 00:02:26,678 --> 00:02:28,045 trying to top himself every year. 61 00:02:28,080 --> 00:02:31,014 Honestly, he probably shouldn't even be working today. 62 00:02:31,050 --> 00:02:34,684 Oh, excuse me, I'm a very nervous flier. 63 00:02:34,720 --> 00:02:35,822 Congratulations. 64 00:02:36,088 --> 00:02:37,087 So, you're coming tonight, right? 65 00:02:37,122 --> 00:02:38,855 No, no, I'm still going through 66 00:02:38,891 --> 00:02:40,057 this divorce nonsense. 67 00:02:40,092 --> 00:02:41,725 Meghan is determined make the whole thing 68 00:02:41,760 --> 00:02:42,959 as ugly as possible. 69 00:02:42,995 --> 00:02:44,795 I mean, I married a magician's assistant, 70 00:02:44,830 --> 00:02:46,610 and now she's making all my possessions disappear. 71 00:02:46,637 --> 00:02:47,931 Well, that's exactly why you should come. 72 00:02:47,966 --> 00:02:49,550 It'll take your mind off of it. 73 00:02:49,551 --> 00:02:50,716 We'll drink, we'll take pictures. 74 00:02:50,751 --> 00:02:52,566 I will help you pretend you're happy. 75 00:02:52,753 --> 00:02:54,820 The best revenge is an act of social media. 76 00:02:54,889 --> 00:02:57,556 Right now, I am just using it to follow majestic boats 77 00:02:57,625 --> 00:02:59,487 and this adorable Corgi. 78 00:02:59,727 --> 00:03:01,660 Oh, my God, he died? 79 00:03:02,145 --> 00:03:03,358 Piper. 80 00:03:04,019 --> 00:03:05,530 So, party then? 81 00:03:05,566 --> 00:03:08,283 Yes. It's what Piper would have wanted. 82 00:03:09,168 --> 00:03:10,669 He loved parties. 83 00:03:12,841 --> 00:03:15,847 So, how are classes going this semester? 84 00:03:15,887 --> 00:03:17,347 They're good. Actually, I have a friend 85 00:03:17,372 --> 00:03:18,932 who got me interested in econ. 86 00:03:18,933 --> 00:03:19,965 so I'm thinking about... 87 00:03:20,000 --> 00:03:21,833 Oh, sorry. Hold that thought. 88 00:03:21,869 --> 00:03:24,384 Gotta go use the little deputy mayor's room. 89 00:03:25,457 --> 00:03:27,105 So, let me guess. 90 00:03:27,141 --> 00:03:29,489 Your mother surprised you with the trip, 91 00:03:29,490 --> 00:03:30,722 but she doesn't know you're a stripper, 92 00:03:30,757 --> 00:03:32,457 always take this flight. 93 00:03:32,492 --> 00:03:34,559 What a big pickle you have become. 94 00:03:34,628 --> 00:03:37,131 - How did you know? - Well, I have seven senses. 95 00:03:37,156 --> 00:03:39,730 I can detect lies and ghosts. 96 00:03:39,766 --> 00:03:41,466 I want to tell my mom the truth, 97 00:03:41,501 --> 00:03:42,634 but she just wouldn't understand. 98 00:03:42,669 --> 00:03:44,402 She's an old-school feminist. 99 00:03:44,438 --> 00:03:45,737 I wasn't allowed to wear dresses growing up 100 00:03:45,772 --> 00:03:47,806 because, quote, "Mary Tyler Moore fought hard 101 00:03:47,875 --> 00:03:49,774 for our right to wear pants, and we have to honor that." 102 00:03:49,810 --> 00:03:51,509 I understand your hesitance. 103 00:03:51,545 --> 00:03:53,678 Now, if there's anything I can do 104 00:03:53,714 --> 00:03:56,848 to make your first visit to Las Vegas 105 00:03:56,917 --> 00:03:59,651 more enjoyable, just let me know. 106 00:03:59,686 --> 00:04:00,819 Hello, I'm her mother. 107 00:04:00,854 --> 00:04:02,520 Oh, I thought you were younger sister. 108 00:04:03,690 --> 00:04:05,790 Cute. We're good. Thank you. 109 00:04:05,826 --> 00:04:08,727 I tell you, Alan, I cannot wait for Bernard's party. 110 00:04:08,795 --> 00:04:11,730 This is the tush event of the season. 111 00:04:11,765 --> 00:04:13,665 Ooh, think you'll do another late night 112 00:04:13,700 --> 00:04:15,500 pawn shop engagement-ring run? 113 00:04:15,535 --> 00:04:17,535 No, I'm out of the relationship game for good. 114 00:04:17,571 --> 00:04:19,008 I already have my one true love, 115 00:04:19,454 --> 00:04:20,572 and that's the sky. 116 00:04:20,641 --> 00:04:22,774 That's right, this bee ain't looking for a queen. 117 00:04:22,809 --> 00:04:25,510 Tonight, he's all about the honey. 118 00:04:25,545 --> 00:04:27,512 T... The party's tonight? 119 00:04:27,547 --> 00:04:29,581 But it's my bowling championship. 120 00:04:29,616 --> 00:04:32,350 You promised that if I advanced, you would come. 121 00:04:32,419 --> 00:04:35,157 Well, you advanced... and hopefully I will. 122 00:04:35,889 --> 00:04:37,589 No, I'm not gonna report it. 123 00:04:37,658 --> 00:04:39,691 I'm just saying it was a gross joke. 124 00:04:39,760 --> 00:04:41,247 I'm sorry, Alan. 125 00:04:42,396 --> 00:04:45,254 Excuse me, I need to speak to somebody about this flight. 126 00:04:45,465 --> 00:04:46,665 Hi. Captain Dave. 127 00:04:46,700 --> 00:04:48,700 Go ahead and mainline that praise right to me. 128 00:04:48,735 --> 00:04:52,604 Oh, the praise, for the lack of storage space, 129 00:04:52,639 --> 00:04:53,772 or the uncomfortable seats, 130 00:04:53,807 --> 00:04:56,112 or the white-knuckle landing? 131 00:04:56,137 --> 00:04:58,610 I mean, the autopilot could have done a better job. 132 00:04:58,645 --> 00:05:00,512 Maybe, but let's see the autopilot 133 00:05:00,547 --> 00:05:02,580 take break dancing classes at the "Y." 134 00:05:02,616 --> 00:05:03,748 This is a terrible airline. 135 00:05:03,817 --> 00:05:05,684 I'll have you know that Jackpot is ranked number one 136 00:05:05,719 --> 00:05:07,419 in completed customer surveys. 137 00:05:07,454 --> 00:05:09,354 We're first-class all the way. 138 00:05:09,389 --> 00:05:10,707 Just ask Nichole. 139 00:05:11,589 --> 00:05:12,691 How do you know Nichole? 140 00:05:12,726 --> 00:05:14,559 - She's one of my regulars. - One of your... 141 00:05:15,063 --> 00:05:17,214 What is he talking about? 142 00:05:17,529 --> 00:05:18,629 Um... 143 00:05:19,869 --> 00:05:21,228 Okay, Mom, 144 00:05:21,253 --> 00:05:23,086 I haven't been totally honest with you. 145 00:05:23,507 --> 00:05:25,429 The truth is, 146 00:05:26,125 --> 00:05:28,698 Captain Dave knows me because... 147 00:05:32,812 --> 00:05:34,306 ...he's my boyfriend. 148 00:05:37,881 --> 00:05:39,881 If I look surprised, it's because I didn't think 149 00:05:39,951 --> 00:05:41,319 we were using labels yet. 150 00:05:45,698 --> 00:05:47,539 - This man is your boyfriend? - Yep! 151 00:05:48,011 --> 00:05:49,707 It's only been a few weeks. 152 00:05:49,732 --> 00:05:52,774 We were nervous to tell you, for obvious reasons 153 00:05:52,799 --> 00:05:54,499 - because he's so, so old. - It's still very early. 154 00:05:54,601 --> 00:05:55,800 Very early. 155 00:05:55,869 --> 00:05:58,770 It's just, I'm... It's so unexpected. 156 00:05:58,839 --> 00:06:00,739 I just don't... I don't know what to say. 157 00:06:00,874 --> 00:06:02,807 Well, why don't you think about it while you get your bag? 158 00:06:05,679 --> 00:06:07,217 I don't like to be squeezed. 159 00:06:07,414 --> 00:06:08,713 Look, she doesn't know I'm a stripper. 160 00:06:08,815 --> 00:06:10,649 Jut pretend to be my boyfriend for five minutes. 161 00:06:10,717 --> 00:06:12,097 It'll be the fastest relationship of your life. 162 00:06:12,138 --> 00:06:13,291 No, it won't. 163 00:06:13,292 --> 00:06:15,491 Hey, Mom, well, I'm glad you two got to meet. 164 00:06:15,560 --> 00:06:17,526 - We should probably get going. - Oh, no, hold on a second. 165 00:06:17,595 --> 00:06:20,040 I just met your boyfriend, I'd like to get to know him better. 166 00:06:20,065 --> 00:06:21,931 Would you like to join us for dinner, Dave? 167 00:06:21,956 --> 00:06:23,956 Oh, he can't, he has a coworker's birthday party. 168 00:06:24,035 --> 00:06:25,441 Oh, sounds fun. We'll tag along. 169 00:06:25,536 --> 00:06:27,436 It's a Bible thing... We'd have to have a costume. 170 00:06:27,505 --> 00:06:29,056 Nichole, I'm your mother. 171 00:06:29,097 --> 00:06:30,373 If I want to get to know your boyfriend better 172 00:06:30,398 --> 00:06:31,916 and dress up like Jesus of Nazareth, 173 00:06:31,956 --> 00:06:33,070 that's what we're doing. 174 00:06:34,849 --> 00:06:36,394 Your mother is terrifying. 175 00:06:36,445 --> 00:06:38,478 Yeah. Well, you don't get to the top of the middle 176 00:06:38,547 --> 00:06:40,438 of local politics without busting a few balls. 177 00:06:40,463 --> 00:06:41,419 Mm. 178 00:06:42,684 --> 00:06:44,684 _ 179 00:06:51,050 --> 00:06:52,525 Wow. 180 00:06:52,594 --> 00:06:54,628 For my birthday, I usually just go to a hotel room 181 00:06:54,696 --> 00:06:56,596 so I can read in a different bed. 182 00:06:57,246 --> 00:07:01,128 Hey, Bernard, this party's incredible. 183 00:07:01,153 --> 00:07:02,186 Halt! 184 00:07:02,504 --> 00:07:03,537 Don't mock me. 185 00:07:03,605 --> 00:07:04,638 If it were truly incredible, 186 00:07:04,673 --> 00:07:06,306 you would be speechless. 187 00:07:06,442 --> 00:07:09,342 This party is still severely lacking. Just look. 188 00:07:09,411 --> 00:07:10,644 The magician is turning the water into merlot 189 00:07:10,712 --> 00:07:12,312 instead of rosé. 190 00:07:12,381 --> 00:07:13,580 We need one more big spectacle 191 00:07:13,649 --> 00:07:15,248 to put this birthday over the top. 192 00:07:15,317 --> 00:07:16,316 And I'm going to find it. 193 00:07:16,452 --> 00:07:17,517 Storm me off. 194 00:07:18,215 --> 00:07:19,533 I said storm! 195 00:07:20,185 --> 00:07:22,452 I'm not sure how I feel about Birthday Bernard. 196 00:07:22,520 --> 00:07:24,151 Hey, look. 197 00:07:24,389 --> 00:07:26,945 Ronnie came dressed like Mary. 198 00:07:27,125 --> 00:07:28,424 Joseph and Mary, right? 199 00:07:28,493 --> 00:07:30,259 You were meant to be. 200 00:07:30,328 --> 00:07:32,428 I think that Ronnie-Colin ship has sailed. 201 00:07:32,497 --> 00:07:34,794 the Earth is round, 202 00:07:34,819 --> 00:07:37,166 so a sailed ship is coming back. 203 00:07:37,268 --> 00:07:39,268 She asked you to come. 204 00:07:39,887 --> 00:07:41,314 That is good sign. 205 00:07:41,339 --> 00:07:42,538 Okay, okay, I'll go say hi. 206 00:07:43,071 --> 00:07:44,737 Although, I'm not gonna lie, half the reason 207 00:07:44,806 --> 00:07:46,005 is to end this conversation. 208 00:07:46,074 --> 00:07:48,135 - Yeah, it has run its course. - Have fun, friend. 209 00:07:49,446 --> 00:07:50,712 Hey, the Virgin Mary? 210 00:07:50,814 --> 00:07:52,714 - It's me, Joseph. - Hey, that's crazy. 211 00:07:52,783 --> 00:07:54,349 Well, it was the simplest of the costumes 212 00:07:54,384 --> 00:07:56,052 on Bernard's preapproved list. 213 00:07:56,085 --> 00:07:57,952 Oh, yeah, that's why Bryan chose it, too. 214 00:07:58,020 --> 00:08:00,020 - Hey, babe. - Hey. You remember Bryan. 215 00:08:00,122 --> 00:08:02,056 - Nope. - Really? 'Cause I feel like we've met 216 00:08:02,158 --> 00:08:05,366 a bunch of times before; the plane, the restaurant. 217 00:08:05,581 --> 00:08:07,463 Well, I go on a lot of planes, Ryan. 218 00:08:07,488 --> 00:08:08,754 It's Bryan. 219 00:08:08,755 --> 00:08:10,588 Ah. It's a beautiful name. 220 00:08:16,700 --> 00:08:18,600 So I was looking to hook up tonight. 221 00:08:18,668 --> 00:08:20,602 How does our fake dating affect my chances? 222 00:08:21,040 --> 00:08:22,040 Negatively. 223 00:08:22,041 --> 00:08:23,723 Damn it. You owe me for this. 224 00:08:23,748 --> 00:08:25,348 Not sexually. 225 00:08:25,450 --> 00:08:27,383 Just... get me a gift card. 226 00:08:27,485 --> 00:08:28,618 Okay. 227 00:08:28,720 --> 00:08:30,753 - Oh, hi, Mom. - Hi, honey. 228 00:08:30,822 --> 00:08:34,060 So, Patricia, or should I call you Madam Deputy Mayor? 229 00:08:34,061 --> 00:08:35,818 Patricia is fine. 230 00:08:35,871 --> 00:08:37,637 I'm not just a politician. 231 00:08:37,706 --> 00:08:40,316 I'm also co-owner of Calabasics, 232 00:08:40,341 --> 00:08:42,274 Southern California's number one retailer 233 00:08:42,343 --> 00:08:44,189 of tasteful ponchos for women who work. 234 00:08:44,190 --> 00:08:45,254 I love that store. 235 00:08:45,291 --> 00:08:46,523 Those ponchos are not just for women who work, 236 00:08:46,592 --> 00:08:48,382 they're also for men who want to be comfortable. 237 00:08:48,406 --> 00:08:49,327 Mm. 238 00:08:49,328 --> 00:08:52,129 So, Dave, tell me, what made you decide to become a pilot? 239 00:08:52,231 --> 00:08:54,164 Well, Patricia, it all started when I first read 240 00:08:54,233 --> 00:08:55,989 the story of Icarus, 241 00:08:55,990 --> 00:08:58,923 who flew so close to the sun with no repercussions. 242 00:08:59,025 --> 00:09:00,958 Okay, Bernard, what are you doing with that? 243 00:09:01,060 --> 00:09:02,159 Damage control. 244 00:09:02,195 --> 00:09:03,895 Not one person has yet said, 245 00:09:03,963 --> 00:09:05,229 "Bernard, you've outdone yourself." 246 00:09:05,265 --> 00:09:07,164 Not my brunch club, not my champagne club. 247 00:09:07,233 --> 00:09:09,745 Not even anyone from my gossip and cheese group, 248 00:09:09,818 --> 00:09:11,130 The Crass Fromagerie. 249 00:09:11,131 --> 00:09:13,346 What I need is a big biblical set piece, 250 00:09:13,371 --> 00:09:15,919 which is why I'm setting up a burning bush s'mores station. 251 00:09:15,920 --> 00:09:17,854 S'mores seems a little off theme. 252 00:09:17,922 --> 00:09:20,089 I'm sorry. Who the hell invited her? 253 00:09:21,793 --> 00:09:23,953 Ooh, the foot-washing station is open. 254 00:09:23,991 --> 00:09:26,120 Bryan, do you want to go get your feet washed in public? 255 00:09:26,121 --> 00:09:27,119 No, I'm good. 256 00:09:27,189 --> 00:09:28,421 Okay, your loss. 257 00:09:30,058 --> 00:09:31,091 So... 258 00:09:31,420 --> 00:09:32,485 So you're a chef. 259 00:09:32,554 --> 00:09:34,354 Um, how did you get into that? 260 00:09:34,423 --> 00:09:36,590 It started in the Marines. I'd cook for my unit sometimes. 261 00:09:36,658 --> 00:09:38,066 - You were a Marine? - Yeah. 262 00:09:38,091 --> 00:09:39,137 Like Rob Riggle? 263 00:09:39,138 --> 00:09:40,868 Yeah. I joined after college. 264 00:09:40,893 --> 00:09:43,860 Uh, I had a professor who changed my life. 265 00:09:43,929 --> 00:09:46,797 No way. A professor had a profound effect on you? 266 00:09:46,865 --> 00:09:48,260 - Yeah. - Huh. 267 00:09:48,328 --> 00:09:50,600 He sat me down one day, and he said, 268 00:09:50,669 --> 00:09:52,217 - "Whatever you do..." - Hmm. 269 00:09:52,738 --> 00:09:55,054 "...do not be a professor. 270 00:09:55,507 --> 00:09:57,635 Do something that actually matters." 271 00:09:59,013 --> 00:10:00,112 So, what do you do? 272 00:10:00,181 --> 00:10:02,152 - I'm a professor. - Professor. 273 00:10:06,232 --> 00:10:08,232 Wait, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa. 274 00:10:08,300 --> 00:10:09,611 What... you-you leaving? 275 00:10:09,665 --> 00:10:11,834 I was thinking about it, Dave, yes. 276 00:10:11,918 --> 00:10:13,540 Look, if there's anything I've learned from being trapped 277 00:10:13,565 --> 00:10:15,298 in a long-term fictional relationship 278 00:10:15,400 --> 00:10:17,233 over the past two and a half hours, 279 00:10:17,302 --> 00:10:19,602 is that you got to enjoy your freedom while it lasts. 280 00:10:19,671 --> 00:10:21,437 Dude, look around, there are chicks everywhere, 281 00:10:21,506 --> 00:10:23,406 and, like, five other straight dudes. 282 00:10:24,543 --> 00:10:26,242 I don't know if it's the helmet, 283 00:10:26,311 --> 00:10:28,162 but you're kind of making sense to me. 284 00:10:28,446 --> 00:10:30,613 There are several Eves looking for their Adam. 285 00:10:30,682 --> 00:10:32,282 It's too bad Alan's not here. 286 00:10:32,350 --> 00:10:33,449 He's a great wingman. 287 00:10:33,552 --> 00:10:35,185 - I'm here! And I won. - Uh... 288 00:10:35,287 --> 00:10:36,286 He is here. 289 00:10:36,354 --> 00:10:37,320 Let's go bag some strange. 290 00:10:37,389 --> 00:10:38,488 Stand back. 291 00:10:38,557 --> 00:10:40,497 I'm going to go enjoy myself. 292 00:10:41,626 --> 00:10:43,359 Hello, Dave. 293 00:10:43,428 --> 00:10:45,395 I thought we could have a word. 294 00:10:45,430 --> 00:10:46,563 Without Nichole. 295 00:10:46,631 --> 00:10:48,631 Ah. I knew this was coming. 296 00:10:48,700 --> 00:10:51,104 Patricia, I know, as a politician, 297 00:10:51,129 --> 00:10:53,469 a pilot's endorsement is very valuable... 298 00:10:53,605 --> 00:10:56,206 I want to be really clear about something. 299 00:10:56,274 --> 00:10:58,608 My daughter is not just some plaything, okay? 300 00:10:58,677 --> 00:11:00,343 I know what you are. 301 00:11:00,378 --> 00:11:02,412 You've been divorced, what, three times? 302 00:11:02,480 --> 00:11:05,381 You're lonely, you're not man enough to admit it, 303 00:11:05,483 --> 00:11:07,450 so you hide behind these empty declarations 304 00:11:07,519 --> 00:11:10,320 like "The sky is my mistress," and similar nonsense, 305 00:11:10,388 --> 00:11:13,122 and you seek out relationships 306 00:11:13,191 --> 00:11:15,158 with women 30 years younger who can't hurt you 307 00:11:15,227 --> 00:11:16,559 as much as you've been hurt before. 308 00:11:17,126 --> 00:11:20,430 So I see what you're doing, and I don't like it. 309 00:11:30,610 --> 00:11:31,985 Hey, do you want to borrow this? 310 00:11:31,986 --> 00:11:33,184 - It's a total chick magnet. - Uh, 311 00:11:33,220 --> 00:11:35,153 that actually won't be necessary, Alan. 312 00:11:35,188 --> 00:11:36,821 I'm a Brit in America. 313 00:11:36,857 --> 00:11:38,223 All I have to do is up the accent, 314 00:11:38,258 --> 00:11:40,091 do a bit of Hugh Grant phumphering... 315 00:11:40,127 --> 00:11:41,860 and, uh, everything, um, 316 00:11:41,929 --> 00:11:44,996 rather falls into place. 317 00:11:45,863 --> 00:11:49,000 Um, u-uh, hello, old chap, a pint of, uh, 318 00:11:49,036 --> 00:11:50,101 whatever you're pouring. 319 00:11:50,359 --> 00:11:52,003 And I'll have one of those, too. 320 00:11:52,039 --> 00:11:54,005 Pardon me for saying so, but it's as if I'm looking 321 00:11:54,041 --> 00:11:57,842 at an angel, uh, in, uh, is it, what, devil's clothing? 322 00:11:57,911 --> 00:12:00,178 You sound like Love Actually. 323 00:12:00,213 --> 00:12:01,669 - Ah. - I'm Rose. 324 00:12:02,240 --> 00:12:04,536 And that, Alan, is how you... oh. 325 00:12:04,567 --> 00:12:06,634 Oh, dear God. Oh. 326 00:12:07,148 --> 00:12:09,081 Hey. Where'd Colin go? 327 00:12:09,117 --> 00:12:11,083 He's over there, talking to the Devil. 328 00:12:11,119 --> 00:12:12,768 Who is she? 329 00:12:12,867 --> 00:12:15,121 I think she's actually the magician's assistant. 330 00:12:15,541 --> 00:12:17,380 He's flirting with a magician's assistant? 331 00:12:17,381 --> 00:12:18,412 Uh, seriously? 332 00:12:18,448 --> 00:12:20,114 I finally figured out 333 00:12:20,150 --> 00:12:21,415 how to take this party to the next level. 334 00:12:21,451 --> 00:12:23,384 I'm going to walk on water. 335 00:12:23,419 --> 00:12:25,386 Ronnie, I just need you to come out to the pool, 336 00:12:25,455 --> 00:12:28,289 squeeze me into my harness and set up my wires and pulleys. 337 00:12:28,324 --> 00:12:30,291 Yeah, okay, uh, can you help him with that? 338 00:12:30,326 --> 00:12:31,738 I don't think anyone can. 339 00:12:31,796 --> 00:12:33,162 Thanks. I just, I ha... I have to talk to Colin 340 00:12:33,198 --> 00:12:35,098 before he does something he'll regret. I... 341 00:12:36,053 --> 00:12:38,739 Have you ever operated a lift line in a theatrical production? 342 00:12:38,789 --> 00:12:40,155 No, so I probably shouldn't. 343 00:12:40,192 --> 00:12:42,158 Your hair is one strike. Don't make it two. 344 00:12:42,194 --> 00:12:45,290 And then I was like, "Is it really credit card fraud 345 00:12:45,370 --> 00:12:46,679 if it's your sister?" 346 00:12:46,704 --> 00:12:48,031 - No. No. No. - No. 347 00:12:48,697 --> 00:12:49,797 Oh. 348 00:12:49,833 --> 00:12:50,798 I'll be right back. 349 00:12:50,834 --> 00:12:52,767 I've got to do one quick thing. 350 00:12:57,024 --> 00:12:58,023 Hey. 351 00:12:58,092 --> 00:13:00,659 - Mm? Hi. - Hi. Uh, I just thought 352 00:13:00,694 --> 00:13:03,622 I'd come over and stop you from making a huge mistake. 353 00:13:03,623 --> 00:13:04,621 Uh, what are you talking about? 354 00:13:04,657 --> 00:13:05,956 Talking about that girl. 355 00:13:05,992 --> 00:13:08,341 Colin, she's exactly like your ex-wife. 356 00:13:08,404 --> 00:13:10,628 That whole look and that vibe 357 00:13:10,629 --> 00:13:13,508 and that, like, that wide-eyed head tilt thing that she does. 358 00:13:13,546 --> 00:13:14,612 I mean, 359 00:13:14,647 --> 00:13:15,713 I mean, for God's sake, 360 00:13:15,748 --> 00:13:17,269 she's even a magician's assistant. 361 00:13:20,753 --> 00:13:22,156 Okay. Did not know that. 362 00:13:22,622 --> 00:13:24,755 But, so what? I have a type. 363 00:13:24,790 --> 00:13:27,388 And all I'm doing is having some fun and some drinks. 364 00:13:27,389 --> 00:13:28,421 Okay. Yeah, well, the last time 365 00:13:28,456 --> 00:13:30,122 you got drunk with a woman like that, 366 00:13:30,158 --> 00:13:31,224 it led to a nasty divorce 367 00:13:31,259 --> 00:13:33,259 and you following dead dogs on Instagram. 368 00:13:33,294 --> 00:13:34,427 Oh, Piper. 369 00:13:34,462 --> 00:13:36,462 I'd forgotten about that. Thanks a lot, Ronnie. 370 00:13:36,497 --> 00:13:38,264 Sorry, I'm just trying to look out for you. 371 00:13:38,299 --> 00:13:39,332 I don't need your help. 372 00:13:39,367 --> 00:13:41,133 Honestly, I can make my own decisions. 373 00:13:41,202 --> 00:13:43,826 So why don't you go back to the Joseph you rode in on? 374 00:13:46,474 --> 00:13:48,745 Ugh! I can't believe you messed that up. 375 00:13:48,746 --> 00:13:50,510 Really? Because I was nonstop screaming 376 00:13:50,535 --> 00:13:52,076 "I don't know what I'm doing." 377 00:13:55,852 --> 00:13:57,152 Your mom just came up to me and broke me down 378 00:13:57,187 --> 00:13:59,187 like a cardboard box on trash day. 379 00:13:59,222 --> 00:14:00,722 I'm so sorry. 380 00:14:00,757 --> 00:14:01,756 She can be intense. 381 00:14:01,792 --> 00:14:04,092 No, I'm hard into it. She gets me. 382 00:14:04,646 --> 00:14:06,661 I'd like to take her to a steak dinner. 383 00:14:06,697 --> 00:14:07,829 Is that all right with you? 384 00:14:07,864 --> 00:14:08,863 Are you serious? 385 00:14:08,899 --> 00:14:10,832 No. No, that's not all right. 386 00:14:10,867 --> 00:14:12,000 Oh, come on. Please. 387 00:14:12,035 --> 00:14:14,769 Your mom is strong, smart and sexy. 388 00:14:14,805 --> 00:14:16,671 And not just physically, but emotionally. 389 00:14:16,707 --> 00:14:17,973 And also physically. 390 00:14:18,008 --> 00:14:19,708 She got the body of a stripper's mom. 391 00:14:19,743 --> 00:14:21,076 Why can't you just tell her who you really are? 392 00:14:21,111 --> 00:14:22,877 I wish we had the kind of relationship 393 00:14:22,913 --> 00:14:25,146 where I could tell her the truth, but we just don't. 394 00:14:25,182 --> 00:14:26,638 But I have to be honest, 395 00:14:26,639 --> 00:14:27,837 I think I'm in love with her. 396 00:14:27,906 --> 00:14:29,839 Oh, my God. You fall in love with every woman you meet. 397 00:14:29,875 --> 00:14:31,752 Not you. You're really annoying. 398 00:14:34,646 --> 00:14:36,880 Can you believe Colin? I mean, what is he doing? 399 00:14:36,915 --> 00:14:38,715 Ronnie, I have my own crisis. 400 00:14:38,750 --> 00:14:39,983 I don't have time to deal with your jealousy. 401 00:14:40,448 --> 00:14:42,886 I'm... Oh, no, I'm not... jealous? 402 00:14:42,921 --> 00:14:43,987 No, that's ridiculous. 403 00:14:44,022 --> 00:14:46,956 I have my own boyfriend who's here... somewhere. 404 00:14:47,025 --> 00:14:49,726 Good, because I don't remember Mary having two Josephs. 405 00:14:49,761 --> 00:14:51,049 Although that is a Bible I'd read. 406 00:14:51,269 --> 00:14:52,729 Oh, my God, you're right. 407 00:14:52,764 --> 00:14:55,064 What am I doing? I should be focusing on Brian, 408 00:14:55,100 --> 00:14:56,612 - not worrying about... - Shh. 409 00:14:56,768 --> 00:14:58,935 Okay. Can you read my order back to me? 410 00:14:59,004 --> 00:15:01,871 No, not one. It's two llamas, two giraffes. 411 00:15:01,907 --> 00:15:03,806 Do you not know how to fill an ark? 412 00:15:03,842 --> 00:15:04,974 Put your supervisor on the phone. 413 00:15:05,010 --> 00:15:07,877 Oh, Go... I am gonna tell you what you told me 414 00:15:07,913 --> 00:15:10,087 when I tried singing Dreamgirls in the shower: 415 00:15:10,582 --> 00:15:12,503 you have to stop. 416 00:15:14,886 --> 00:15:16,586 Ah, hey. 417 00:15:16,621 --> 00:15:18,588 Oh, so you are Ronald's boyfriend. 418 00:15:18,623 --> 00:15:20,790 And let me guess, Artem? 419 00:15:20,859 --> 00:15:22,892 No. Baby Jesus. 420 00:15:22,928 --> 00:15:24,561 Just kidding. 421 00:15:24,596 --> 00:15:27,030 Now I'm Artem. 422 00:15:27,065 --> 00:15:29,566 Yeah, Ronnie told me all about you guys. 423 00:15:29,601 --> 00:15:30,800 You, Bernard. 424 00:15:30,869 --> 00:15:33,736 Only one she hasn't really talked about is Colin. 425 00:15:34,864 --> 00:15:36,407 Is there history there? 426 00:15:36,408 --> 00:15:38,866 Oh, yeah. I have much history with Colin. 427 00:15:38,867 --> 00:15:39,965 No, no, I meant Ronnie. 428 00:15:40,000 --> 00:15:42,767 Well, I have more history with Ronnie. 429 00:15:42,836 --> 00:15:44,936 I'm sorry. I meant Colin and Ronnie. 430 00:15:44,971 --> 00:15:46,938 Yes. I know both of them. 431 00:15:46,973 --> 00:15:48,473 - All right. - Yeah. 432 00:15:48,605 --> 00:15:51,406 This feels like I got the full Artem experience. 433 00:15:51,430 --> 00:15:52,365 Yeah. 434 00:15:52,612 --> 00:15:53,829 Hey, hey, Dave. 435 00:15:53,830 --> 00:15:55,603 My, uh, my lady asked me to take her home. 436 00:15:55,604 --> 00:15:56,769 So, thanks for the pep talk. 437 00:15:56,803 --> 00:15:58,570 That was the old Dave. 438 00:15:58,605 --> 00:16:00,539 The new Dave sees the emptiness of cheap sex 439 00:16:00,574 --> 00:16:01,740 and meaningless flings. 440 00:16:02,508 --> 00:16:03,955 - You know, Colin... - Yeah, I'm sorry. 441 00:16:03,956 --> 00:16:05,922 I was just really swinging by for a high five, 442 00:16:05,957 --> 00:16:08,463 but we'll discuss whatever this is on Sunday. 443 00:16:08,464 --> 00:16:09,492 I want to. 444 00:16:11,987 --> 00:16:13,910 Hey, boo. We just finished 445 00:16:13,911 --> 00:16:15,777 our New Testa-Mint Chip ice cream sundae, 446 00:16:15,813 --> 00:16:17,079 so I'm gonna take Mom home. 447 00:16:18,061 --> 00:16:19,098 Good-bye, Dave. 448 00:16:19,587 --> 00:16:20,741 Nice to meet you. 449 00:16:24,102 --> 00:16:25,235 Look, I... 450 00:16:25,270 --> 00:16:26,556 I was out of line before. 451 00:16:26,557 --> 00:16:28,590 I mean, as a single woman, it's just hard to see 452 00:16:28,625 --> 00:16:30,996 a handsome man my age dating a woman 453 00:16:31,021 --> 00:16:32,617 young enough to be his daughter. 454 00:16:32,653 --> 00:16:34,604 Who, in this case, is my daughter. 455 00:16:34,904 --> 00:16:37,738 But it was wrong of me to take my frustrations out on you, 456 00:16:37,773 --> 00:16:39,106 and I'm sorry. 457 00:16:39,175 --> 00:16:41,637 Wait. Don't be sorry. 458 00:16:42,195 --> 00:16:43,628 You were right about everything. 459 00:16:43,629 --> 00:16:45,014 I'm vapid. I'm scared. 460 00:16:45,061 --> 00:16:46,828 I'm a shell of a man inside an empty uniform 461 00:16:46,863 --> 00:16:50,306 who came here tonight for one reason only: tush. 462 00:16:50,767 --> 00:16:52,800 But you made me realize that's just a distraction. 463 00:16:52,836 --> 00:16:54,214 I need a connection. 464 00:16:55,705 --> 00:16:56,791 And it's you. 465 00:16:57,674 --> 00:16:59,674 Would you like to have a steak and share a wedge salad with me? 466 00:16:59,709 --> 00:17:00,828 Dave! 467 00:17:00,944 --> 00:17:03,811 You're in a relationship with my daughter. 468 00:17:03,847 --> 00:17:06,725 That's the good news. I've been lying to you. Nichole, tell her. 469 00:17:08,837 --> 00:17:10,652 Oh, hey. What are you doing? 470 00:17:10,687 --> 00:17:11,986 Well, the magician asked me to hold it for him 471 00:17:12,022 --> 00:17:13,655 and now no one will take it from me. 472 00:17:13,690 --> 00:17:15,808 Oh. Gross. Anyway, uh, 473 00:17:15,834 --> 00:17:18,794 I'm sorry that I disappeared, 474 00:17:18,828 --> 00:17:20,995 but now I am back and for the rest of the night, 475 00:17:21,031 --> 00:17:22,639 you have my full at... 476 00:17:22,899 --> 00:17:24,882 Are they leaving together? 477 00:17:27,616 --> 00:17:30,004 Uh, I'm sorry, I-I have to go stop this. 478 00:17:33,810 --> 00:17:35,777 Nichole Hayes, I want the truth right now. 479 00:17:36,579 --> 00:17:40,447 Okay, Mom. The truth is I'm not dating Dave. 480 00:17:40,617 --> 00:17:41,849 He was just covering for me. 481 00:17:41,885 --> 00:17:44,811 The real reason I know everyone 482 00:17:44,837 --> 00:17:46,913 on that flight is... 483 00:17:47,991 --> 00:17:49,590 ...I'm dating Ronnie. 484 00:17:49,626 --> 00:17:50,758 Who's Ronnie? 485 00:17:50,794 --> 00:17:51,926 Hi. 486 00:17:52,748 --> 00:17:54,268 Wait, you're dating? 487 00:17:56,933 --> 00:17:58,919 - Devil, won't we? - Uh-huh. 488 00:18:00,384 --> 00:18:02,837 Yeah. Big time. 489 00:18:02,872 --> 00:18:04,096 We... 490 00:18:04,607 --> 00:18:07,875 Yeah, I... we-we are. 491 00:18:07,944 --> 00:18:11,502 So, just so glad that it's out in the open now. 492 00:18:11,881 --> 00:18:14,749 We-we were nervous about telling you for obvious reasons. 493 00:18:14,784 --> 00:18:16,695 - Because she's so, so old. - Because we're gay. 494 00:18:17,854 --> 00:18:19,787 Just to be clear, 495 00:18:20,610 --> 00:18:21,631 I'm not gay. 496 00:18:27,774 --> 00:18:29,407 Oh, honey. I always felt like 497 00:18:29,443 --> 00:18:30,675 you were keeping something from me. 498 00:18:30,744 --> 00:18:33,745 And I'm-I'm just so sorry that I made you feel 499 00:18:33,780 --> 00:18:35,847 like you couldn't tell me that you were gay. 500 00:18:35,882 --> 00:18:39,612 No, I'm sorry that I put a rift between us by not telling you. 501 00:18:39,785 --> 00:18:41,724 Well, you don't have to keep that a secret. 502 00:18:41,793 --> 00:18:45,495 I'm just so glad to be honest with you, Mom. 503 00:18:45,530 --> 00:18:46,663 I love you. 504 00:18:47,311 --> 00:18:48,291 Oh. 505 00:18:48,867 --> 00:18:51,668 Geez, I thought my relationship with my mom was messed up. 506 00:18:51,703 --> 00:18:53,803 - God, one time she asked me... - Shh. 507 00:18:54,449 --> 00:18:57,042 This is a beautiful moment for me and my future new family. 508 00:18:59,378 --> 00:19:00,633 Hey, Bernard. 509 00:19:01,713 --> 00:19:03,480 What are you doing? 510 00:19:03,515 --> 00:19:04,724 I don't even know. 511 00:19:05,526 --> 00:19:07,259 I'm trying so hard to wow everybody, 512 00:19:07,295 --> 00:19:08,361 and I can't do it anymore. 513 00:19:08,396 --> 00:19:09,495 But what choice do I have? 514 00:19:09,531 --> 00:19:12,018 If these parties don't get bigger every year, 515 00:19:12,739 --> 00:19:15,585 that means I've already reached peak Bernard. 516 00:19:16,910 --> 00:19:18,810 It's all downhill from here. 517 00:19:18,845 --> 00:19:21,579 Listen. I think you're trying too hard 518 00:19:21,648 --> 00:19:24,549 to please everybody, including yourself. 519 00:19:24,617 --> 00:19:27,685 Why not celebrate your birthday with just the people 520 00:19:27,720 --> 00:19:31,260 who make you feel good about being Bernard? 521 00:19:31,290 --> 00:19:33,209 And who would those losers be? 522 00:19:35,402 --> 00:19:38,191 Thank you to my friends and Nichole's mom 523 00:19:38,192 --> 00:19:41,548 and to the chef and Alan's improbably attractive companions 524 00:19:41,642 --> 00:19:43,167 for being so boring 525 00:19:43,168 --> 00:19:46,192 that I will seem fabulous in comparison no matter what I do. 526 00:19:46,217 --> 00:19:47,384 Aw. 527 00:19:47,408 --> 00:19:48,607 And since it's just you people, 528 00:19:48,676 --> 00:19:51,026 I can finally get into my comfy clothes. 529 00:19:54,221 --> 00:19:57,383 Hey. Um, I'm sorry about tonight. 530 00:19:57,418 --> 00:19:59,302 I should've been spending time with you... 531 00:19:59,327 --> 00:20:00,355 It's okay. 532 00:20:00,597 --> 00:20:02,359 You know, honestly, I did for a minute 533 00:20:02,360 --> 00:20:04,022 think there was something going on with you and Colin. 534 00:20:04,047 --> 00:20:05,000 There's not. 535 00:20:05,025 --> 00:20:06,533 I know, 'cause I saw what you did with Nichole, 536 00:20:06,534 --> 00:20:08,300 and I realized you're just always looking out 537 00:20:08,334 --> 00:20:09,300 for your friends. 538 00:20:11,126 --> 00:20:12,041 Right. 539 00:20:12,066 --> 00:20:14,319 So I know lying about dating someone's daughter 540 00:20:14,320 --> 00:20:15,718 isn't the best way to start a relationship. 541 00:20:15,787 --> 00:20:18,588 Well, Dave, anyone who's willing to help my daughter 542 00:20:18,623 --> 00:20:22,292 and forgo what I hear is the "tush event of the season" 543 00:20:22,327 --> 00:20:23,493 must be a decent man. 544 00:20:23,528 --> 00:20:25,595 So, here's my number 545 00:20:25,630 --> 00:20:27,563 if that dinner is still on the table. 546 00:20:28,678 --> 00:20:32,478 Well, no, we'd have to go and order it first. 547 00:20:36,266 --> 00:20:37,313 Is it...? 548 00:20:39,397 --> 00:20:41,804 So I guess you and my mom are going on that date, huh? 549 00:20:41,864 --> 00:20:45,500 Yup. Just so you know, I don't expect for you to call me Dad. 550 00:20:46,103 --> 00:20:48,334 But I look forward to your wedding day when you finally do. 551 00:20:50,908 --> 00:20:52,074 Where is everyone? 552 00:20:52,099 --> 00:20:53,504 Bernard kicked everyone out. 553 00:20:53,513 --> 00:20:54,612 What are you doing back here? 554 00:20:54,648 --> 00:20:55,950 I thought you left with New Megan. 555 00:20:55,975 --> 00:20:58,283 I did. But then we got into the Lyft, 556 00:20:58,318 --> 00:21:00,285 and I saw that her rating was a 3.6 557 00:21:00,353 --> 00:21:02,420 and I realized she was a bloody monster. 558 00:21:02,489 --> 00:21:05,423 You were right. I was about to make a huge mistake. 559 00:21:05,492 --> 00:21:08,942 Well, lucky for you, I'm good at spotting huge mistakes. 560 00:21:09,684 --> 00:21:11,484 Not avoiding them, but spotting them. 561 00:21:11,520 --> 00:21:12,585 Yeah. 562 00:21:13,622 --> 00:21:16,119 Everyone! Dinner is served. 563 00:21:16,525 --> 00:21:19,526 Admit it, best birthday ever. 564 00:21:19,561 --> 00:21:22,829 I suppose. I still wish I had come up with that one last 565 00:21:22,898 --> 00:21:26,566 biblical finale, but this will have to do. 566 00:21:26,601 --> 00:21:28,701 Alan, who sets a table like this? 567 00:21:28,737 --> 00:21:30,687 I mean, there aren't even enough chairs.