1
00:00:01,127 --> 00:00:04,815
? It seems today that all you see ?

2
00:00:04,830 --> 00:00:08,098
? Is violence in movies and sex on TV ?

3
00:00:08,133 --> 00:00:11,668
? But where are those
good old-fashioned values ?

4
00:00:11,703 --> 00:00:14,671
? On which we used to rely? ?

5
00:00:14,706 --> 00:00:18,174
? Lucky there's a family guy ?

6
00:00:18,210 --> 00:00:21,511
? Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ?

7
00:00:21,546 --> 00:00:23,113
? All the things that make us ?

8
00:00:23,148 --> 00:00:24,514
? Laugh and cry ?

9
00:00:24,549 --> 00:00:30,019
? He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ?

10
00:00:30,207 --> 00:00:33,207
- Synced and corrected by AlexandreMT -
- www.addic7ed.com -

11
00:00:36,528 --> 00:00:38,043
You guys know what this meeting's about?

12
00:00:38,044 --> 00:00:40,530
- No idea.
- How about you, Morning Breath Mike?

13
00:00:40,565 --> 00:00:43,066
I have no idea.

14
00:00:43,101 --> 00:00:44,267
Listen up, everyone.

15
00:00:44,302 --> 00:00:45,902
Sales are down across the board,

16
00:00:45,937 --> 00:00:47,537
but mostly we're failing to connect

17
00:00:47,572 --> 00:00:49,906
with a group called "millennials."

18
00:00:49,941 --> 00:00:52,175
I saw this guy cry one time.

19
00:00:52,210 --> 00:00:54,177
To learn more
about our target demographic,

20
00:00:54,212 --> 00:00:56,813
we're all gonna watch
this instructional video.

21
00:00:58,022 --> 00:00:59,164
News on the March

22
00:00:59,165 --> 00:01:01,988
Millennials. Who are they?
What do the want?

23
00:01:01,989 --> 00:01:03,386
A millennial can be defined

24
00:01:03,421 --> 00:01:07,190
as anyone born between 1982 and 2000.

25
00:01:07,225 --> 00:01:10,560
Or anyone who thinks loving
sriracha or Austin, Texas,

26
00:01:10,595 --> 00:01:12,695
counts as a personality.

27
00:01:12,731 --> 00:01:14,497
Millennials crave things like:

28
00:01:14,533 --> 00:01:15,765
instant gratification,

29
00:01:15,800 --> 00:01:17,433
authentic experiences,

30
00:01:17,469 --> 00:01:19,702
and, for some reason
we haven't figured out yet,

31
00:01:19,738 --> 00:01:21,538
improv comedy.

32
00:01:21,573 --> 00:01:23,740
Here's one millennial who has a parakeet

33
00:01:23,775 --> 00:01:26,743
with nine million followers on Snapchat.

34
00:01:26,778 --> 00:01:28,745
Here's another
who singlehandedly started

35
00:01:28,780 --> 00:01:31,781
the hashtags that cancelled
12 network TV shows

36
00:01:31,816 --> 00:01:33,616
she found offensive.

37
00:01:33,652 --> 00:01:36,119
And now I'm told
she identifies as a man,

38
00:01:36,154 --> 00:01:38,121
so I'm being fired.

39
00:01:38,156 --> 00:01:40,557
Hello. I'm your new announcer.

40
00:01:40,592 --> 00:01:42,292
And actually, he was just about done.

41
00:01:42,327 --> 00:01:45,128
Thank you and good day.

42
00:01:45,163 --> 00:01:48,164
So please welcome someone who's
gonna help us reach millennials,

43
00:01:48,200 --> 00:01:50,600
our new head of social media, Hammer.

44
00:01:52,704 --> 00:01:54,671
Oh. He just group-texted us "hello."

45
00:01:54,706 --> 00:01:56,506
And now here comes a text

46
00:01:56,541 --> 00:01:58,908
from the guy who doesn't know
this is a group text.

47
00:01:58,944 --> 00:02:01,344
"Nice to meet you, Hammer.
Let's have lunch later,

48
00:02:01,379 --> 00:02:03,146
and I'll tell you who's gay."

49
00:02:03,181 --> 00:02:04,814
Right on. 'Sup? I'm Hammer.

50
00:02:04,849 --> 00:02:07,450
Uh, first I'd like
to not thank you for hiring me,

51
00:02:07,485 --> 00:02:09,852
because I just expect
good things to happen to me

52
00:02:09,888 --> 00:02:11,354
without working for them.

53
00:02:11,389 --> 00:02:14,624
Second, I'd like to give you all
a list of my trigger warnings.

54
00:02:14,659 --> 00:02:16,125
What's a trigger warning?

55
00:02:16,161 --> 00:02:18,394
Actually, brah, asking me
what a trigger warning is

56
00:02:18,430 --> 00:02:19,896
is one of my triggers, brah.

57
00:02:19,931 --> 00:02:21,197
I feel traumatized, brah.

58
00:02:21,233 --> 00:02:23,032
And now I'm tweeting about you, brah.

59
00:02:23,068 --> 00:02:24,367
And now you're trending, brah.

60
00:02:24,402 --> 00:02:26,169
And now your life is ruined, brah.

61
00:02:26,204 --> 00:02:27,837
And now you're fired, brah.

62
00:02:28,873 --> 00:02:30,807
What... what happened to Brah?

63
00:02:30,842 --> 00:02:33,676
Also, the lack of diversity here
is horrifying, brah.

64
00:02:33,712 --> 00:02:35,445
Uh, Brah is gone.

65
00:02:35,480 --> 00:02:37,714
Now, if we want to get
some social media attention,

66
00:02:37,749 --> 00:02:39,682
we got to start with a group selfie.

67
00:02:39,718 --> 00:02:42,986
Um, excuse me. Didn't Ellen
do this, like, three years ago?

68
00:02:43,021 --> 00:02:45,788
Hey, does Taye Diggs
follow you on Twitter?

69
00:02:45,824 --> 00:02:48,091
No, but Kraft Singles does.

70
00:02:48,126 --> 00:02:50,526
That's what I thought.

71
00:02:51,596 --> 00:02:52,929
And... posted.

72
00:02:52,964 --> 00:02:55,798
Do you know what I just did?
I just made you all viral.

73
00:02:55,834 --> 00:02:58,801
Also, my band is playing tonight
at an inconvenient time.

74
00:02:58,837 --> 00:03:01,704
It's six un-showered guys
and a pale woman with a ukulele

75
00:03:01,740 --> 00:03:03,539
shouting "Hey!" in unison.

76
00:03:03,575 --> 00:03:06,009
Because that's what music is now.

77
00:03:08,113 --> 00:03:09,178
? Hey! ?

78
00:03:11,216 --> 00:03:12,382
? Hey! ?

79
00:03:12,417 --> 00:03:14,751
What is this?
They just keep saying "hey."

80
00:03:14,786 --> 00:03:17,654
I know. It's my favorite song.

81
00:03:20,358 --> 00:03:23,326
Oh, 'cause "hay" is for horses.

82
00:03:27,365 --> 00:03:29,465
Hey, guys.
You want to have a smoke break?

83
00:03:29,501 --> 00:03:31,501
What? We can't smoke inside.

84
00:03:31,536 --> 00:03:33,536
It's not smoking, Peter. It's vaping.

85
00:03:33,571 --> 00:03:35,805
Everyone's doing it... Even Darth Vaper.

86
00:03:37,909 --> 00:03:40,743
I find your lack of vape disturbing.

87
00:03:40,779 --> 00:03:42,779
Come on, Peter, give it a shot.

88
00:03:53,758 --> 00:03:55,458
What happened? All of a sudden

89
00:03:55,493 --> 00:03:57,860
I feel like I know better
than everyone else!

90
00:03:57,896 --> 00:04:00,129
That's because anytime
someone walks through a cloud

91
00:04:00,165 --> 00:04:02,498
of vape smoke, a millennial is born.

92
00:04:02,534 --> 00:04:03,933
I think I feel it!

93
00:04:03,968 --> 00:04:06,002
Broad City is so funny.

94
00:04:06,037 --> 00:04:08,204
No, Broad City is genius.

95
00:04:08,239 --> 00:04:11,140
No, no. Broad City is everything!

96
00:04:11,176 --> 00:04:13,376
There it is. Grossly exaggerating

97
00:04:13,411 --> 00:04:16,079
the quality of a just-okay TV show.

98
00:04:16,114 --> 00:04:19,015
Peter, you're officially a millennial.

99
00:04:19,050 --> 00:04:21,517
Hey, you want a ride
in the Millennial Falcon?

100
00:04:21,553 --> 00:04:24,253
Ah, look at that...
We found another one!

101
00:04:27,926 --> 00:04:30,126
Peter, a rite of passage
for any millennial

102
00:04:30,161 --> 00:04:32,028
is attending Coachella.

103
00:04:32,063 --> 00:04:33,496
It's a great place to see bands

104
00:04:33,531 --> 00:04:35,331
that are either really new
or really old.

105
00:04:35,367 --> 00:04:37,600
- Which one should we see?
- Well, on the main stage,

106
00:04:37,635 --> 00:04:40,770
it's Tame Impala that formed
in an UberPOOL on the way here.

107
00:04:40,805 --> 00:04:43,039
And on the side stage,
it's "Neil Young asleep"

108
00:04:43,074 --> 00:04:44,640
in front of the television."

109
00:04:47,779 --> 00:04:51,114
I always get him confused with
Bloom County's Bill the Cat.

110
00:04:56,654 --> 00:04:58,554
Peter, you're doing great
as a millennial.

111
00:04:58,590 --> 00:05:01,290
Next thing is you got to learn
how to be on Fleek.

112
00:05:01,326 --> 00:05:04,927
"On fleek"? People still say "on fleek"?

113
00:05:04,963 --> 00:05:06,529
No, Peter, that's not what I meant.

114
00:05:06,564 --> 00:05:08,131
I want you on Fleek.

115
00:05:08,166 --> 00:05:09,465
This is Fleek.

116
00:05:09,501 --> 00:05:11,000
Oh, can I ride him?!

117
00:05:11,035 --> 00:05:13,035
Sure, Peter. Get on Fleek.

118
00:05:13,071 --> 00:05:15,605
? ?

119
00:05:16,641 --> 00:05:18,141
Yay!

120
00:05:19,344 --> 00:05:20,977
? ?

121
00:05:24,549 --> 00:05:27,016
Our country's involved
in six different wars,

122
00:05:27,051 --> 00:05:29,852
but millennials think about this stuff.

123
00:05:33,458 --> 00:05:35,425
Remember, Peter, never walk anywhere

124
00:05:35,460 --> 00:05:37,660
when you can ride
something weird instead.

125
00:05:37,695 --> 00:05:39,796
What's that?
Sorry, I was taking a selfie

126
00:05:39,831 --> 00:05:42,398
while shooting a Snapchat
while Periscoping that Snapchat

127
00:05:42,434 --> 00:05:45,001
while Instagramming latte art
while Shazaming The Weekend

128
00:05:45,036 --> 00:05:48,271
while streaming Master of None
while retweeting George Takei

129
00:05:48,306 --> 00:05:50,106
while saying, "This wins the Internet!"

130
00:05:50,141 --> 00:05:53,576
while still being ?soooo bored.

131
00:05:53,611 --> 00:05:55,311
Hammer?

132
00:05:55,346 --> 00:05:58,414
Hammer? Come on, man, don't
make me look up from my phone.

133
00:05:58,450 --> 00:06:00,450
Oh, you're texting me.

134
00:06:14,799 --> 00:06:16,866
Oh, no! Hammer!

135
00:06:18,169 --> 00:06:19,469
You! Call 911!

136
00:06:19,504 --> 00:06:21,337
You! Give me your shirt
to make a tourniquet!

137
00:06:21,372 --> 00:06:23,706
You! Snap a pic.
Clarendon filter. Clarendon!

138
00:06:23,741 --> 00:06:25,475
Hammer, stay with me, buddy.

139
00:06:25,510 --> 00:06:27,477
Peter, if I die,

140
00:06:27,512 --> 00:06:32,148
chop my body up
and serve me as street tacos.

141
00:06:34,619 --> 00:06:36,185
So selfless.

142
00:06:36,221 --> 00:06:39,856
No! I won't let you be made into tacos!

143
00:06:39,891 --> 00:06:42,358
Peter... it's-it's too late.

144
00:06:42,393 --> 00:06:45,828
Listen, I've got this idea
for a business, and...

145
00:06:45,864 --> 00:06:47,830
I want you to have it.

146
00:06:47,866 --> 00:06:49,665
It's artisanal.

147
00:06:49,701 --> 00:06:51,868
A-Artisanal...

148
00:06:53,338 --> 00:06:55,238
Artisanal what? Is it pretzels?

149
00:06:55,273 --> 00:06:56,906
Is it artisanal pretzels?!

150
00:06:56,941 --> 00:06:58,307
Has that been done?

151
00:06:58,343 --> 00:07:01,477
Does anyone know if
artisanal pretzels is a thing?

152
00:07:01,513 --> 00:07:05,047
It seems so obvious, yet I
don't think I've ever seen them.

153
00:07:05,083 --> 00:07:06,949
I better do millennial CPR.

154
00:07:06,985 --> 00:07:08,284
One... ugh, whatever...

155
00:07:08,319 --> 00:07:09,785
Two... ugh, whatever...

156
00:07:09,821 --> 00:07:12,522
Three... ugh, I'm gonna let
my parents take care of this.

157
00:07:21,071 --> 00:07:23,238
I've never been to a millennial funeral.

158
00:07:23,274 --> 00:07:26,675
Yeah, it seems in poor taste
that they hired Keyboard Cat.

159
00:07:31,849 --> 00:07:34,049
Assembled congregants,

160
00:07:34,084 --> 00:07:36,151
no worries to you.

161
00:07:36,187 --> 00:07:37,953
And also to you.

162
00:07:37,988 --> 00:07:40,155
Let us tweet.

163
00:07:41,458 --> 00:07:43,258
Peter, why is he naked in there?

164
00:07:43,294 --> 00:07:45,260
It's an environmental statement.

165
00:07:45,296 --> 00:07:48,130
Lois, please stop looking
at my dead friend's dong.

166
00:07:48,165 --> 00:07:50,299
Listen, I made breakfast and drove,

167
00:07:50,334 --> 00:07:53,335
so if there's a dead dong,
I'm gonna look at it!

168
00:07:54,939 --> 00:07:58,273
We've all lost
a great friend-slash-barista-

169
00:07:58,309 --> 00:08:00,142
slash-deejay-

170
00:08:00,177 --> 00:08:02,511
slash-Genius Bar employee-

171
00:08:02,546 --> 00:08:04,846
slash-person with a yellow highlighter

172
00:08:04,882 --> 00:08:06,715
at the Best Buy exit.

173
00:08:06,750 --> 00:08:10,152
And now a reading
from the book of JustJared.

174
00:08:10,187 --> 00:08:13,522
"Death be the ultimate fail."

175
00:08:13,557 --> 00:08:15,424
Peter, I hate to do this here,

176
00:08:15,459 --> 00:08:17,259
but you were good friends with Hammer,

177
00:08:17,294 --> 00:08:19,394
and business at the brewery must go on.

178
00:08:19,430 --> 00:08:20,996
That's why, as of today,

179
00:08:21,031 --> 00:08:23,098
I'm making you head of social media.

180
00:08:23,133 --> 00:08:25,300
Hey, whatever you want.
I'm a team player.

181
00:08:25,336 --> 00:08:27,603
I was even one of the 300.

182
00:08:28,839 --> 00:08:30,839
Hey, does 299 work?

183
00:08:30,874 --> 00:08:33,675
'Cause I got to go diarrhea
off the cliff.

184
00:08:37,481 --> 00:08:41,016
We now return to Marvel's The Offenders.

185
00:08:41,051 --> 00:08:43,285
Good morning, you see.

186
00:08:43,320 --> 00:08:45,587
I gathered you all together...
Kevin Spacey,

187
00:08:45,623 --> 00:08:47,022
Roman Polanski...

188
00:08:47,057 --> 00:08:48,523
Hey, hey, hey...

189
00:08:48,559 --> 00:08:50,659
Woody Allen, Steven Seagal,

190
00:08:50,694 --> 00:08:53,395
Matt Lauer with the Pudding Pop,

191
00:08:53,430 --> 00:08:54,630
Brett Ratner,

192
00:08:54,665 --> 00:08:58,600
and you, lesser-known offender
James Toback.

193
00:08:58,636 --> 00:09:00,235
Don't forget me!

194
00:09:01,405 --> 00:09:03,038
Harvey shower!

195
00:09:03,073 --> 00:09:05,407
I-I... I-Is Matt Damon coming?

196
00:09:05,442 --> 00:09:07,676
No, but he knows about all of us.

197
00:09:07,711 --> 00:09:11,947
He's very aware of what's
going on here, you see.

198
00:09:11,982 --> 00:09:14,483
All right, guys, I got to come
up with some social media ideas

199
00:09:14,518 --> 00:09:15,851
for the brewery. What do ya got?

200
00:09:15,886 --> 00:09:17,919
Oh, you want viral?
You asked the right guy.

201
00:09:17,955 --> 00:09:19,955
You remember Leeroy Jenkins?

202
00:09:19,990 --> 00:09:21,623
- Yeah.
- Right.

203
00:09:21,659 --> 00:09:24,126
- What do you mean, "right"?
- You know, Leeroy Jenkins.

204
00:09:24,161 --> 00:09:25,794
- What about him?
- Do that.

205
00:09:25,829 --> 00:09:27,896
Joe, you can't... That already happened.

206
00:09:27,931 --> 00:09:29,965
Do it again. This time with beer.

207
00:09:30,000 --> 00:09:31,633
Hang on a sec.

208
00:09:39,677 --> 00:09:42,311
- Thank you.
- How about some fruit in the beer?

209
00:09:42,346 --> 00:09:44,680
No, guys, we need
social media-specific plans

210
00:09:44,715 --> 00:09:46,148
to reach a younger audience.

211
00:09:46,183 --> 00:09:48,317
You remember "Charlie Bit My Finger"?

212
00:09:49,320 --> 00:09:50,585
Do that.

213
00:09:50,621 --> 00:09:52,587
You know what? I give up.
We've given this...

214
00:09:52,623 --> 00:09:53,855
what, almost a minute?

215
00:09:53,891 --> 00:09:55,557
Peter, that's the problem
with kids today...

216
00:09:55,592 --> 00:09:57,059
They have no attention span.

217
00:09:57,094 --> 00:09:58,627
Wait. That's it!

218
00:09:58,662 --> 00:10:01,196
We'll do a show for people
with no attention span.

219
00:10:01,231 --> 00:10:04,166
We'll call it The Six Second Talk Show.

220
00:10:04,201 --> 00:10:06,501
Well, I guess that could work.
But it's just so sad

221
00:10:06,537 --> 00:10:07,836
that young people can't pay attention

222
00:10:07,871 --> 00:10:09,271
to something longer than six sec...

223
00:10:11,041 --> 00:10:13,642
Oh, oh, my God.

224
00:10:13,677 --> 00:10:14,910
JOE and PETER and CLEVELAND: Whoa!

225
00:10:14,945 --> 00:10:16,611
What the hell, you guys? I was talking.

226
00:10:16,647 --> 00:10:19,081
You know, there's more to life
than just what's on your phone.

227
00:10:19,116 --> 00:10:20,315
Wrong, idiot.

228
00:10:23,787 --> 00:10:26,288
Anyone know how
to turn these things off?

229
00:10:30,527 --> 00:10:32,094
All right, Six Second Talk Show

230
00:10:32,129 --> 00:10:34,229
in three, two...

231
00:10:34,264 --> 00:10:36,531
I'm Peter Griffin, and this is
the Six Second Talk Show.

232
00:10:36,567 --> 00:10:38,066
My guest tonight is Joe Biden.

233
00:10:38,102 --> 00:10:40,569
And that's all the time we have.
Thanks for watching. Good night.

234
00:10:40,604 --> 00:10:42,437
- How was that?
- Eh, it kind of dragged.

235
00:10:43,374 --> 00:10:45,006
Well, Congress is at it again.

236
00:10:45,042 --> 00:10:46,108
Good night.

237
00:10:48,512 --> 00:10:50,212
It's The Six Second Talk Show,

238
00:10:50,247 --> 00:10:54,316
and now, your host, here...

239
00:10:56,854 --> 00:10:58,587
Welcome to The Six Second Talk Show.

240
00:10:58,622 --> 00:11:01,823
I'm Peter Griffin, and now our
musical guest, Barenaked Ladies.

241
00:11:01,859 --> 00:11:03,558
- ? It's been... ?
- I'd like to thank our musical guest,

242
00:11:03,594 --> 00:11:04,826
Barenaked Ladies. Good night.

243
00:11:08,132 --> 00:11:09,598
Peter, I can't believe your talk show

244
00:11:09,633 --> 00:11:11,800
is such a huge hit for the brewery.

245
00:11:11,835 --> 00:11:15,170
And thanks to that, I'm now
a huge social media star.

246
00:11:17,708 --> 00:11:19,674
Oh, my God, what the hell is that?

247
00:11:19,710 --> 00:11:20,976
Hello, Griffin family.

248
00:11:21,011 --> 00:11:23,445
I'm coming to you live,
via living room hologram.

249
00:11:23,480 --> 00:11:26,047
I'm Parker Stanton, CEO of Boop,

250
00:11:26,083 --> 00:11:28,717
the most powerful company
in Silicon Valley.

251
00:11:28,752 --> 00:11:30,218
- Do you know Mr. Skin?
- Do you know Mr. Skin?

252
00:11:30,254 --> 00:11:31,586
- Ah!
- Ah!

253
00:11:31,622 --> 00:11:32,954
- We'll talk later.
- We'll talk later.

254
00:11:32,990 --> 00:11:34,689
Look, Peter, the reason I'm here

255
00:11:34,725 --> 00:11:36,625
is because of your Six Second Talk Show.

256
00:11:36,660 --> 00:11:38,226
Now, I haven't had the time to watch it,

257
00:11:38,262 --> 00:11:40,362
but I hear it's the buzz
of Silicon Valley.

258
00:11:40,397 --> 00:11:42,998
I want you and your family
to visit us here as my guests,

259
00:11:43,033 --> 00:11:45,267
so I can find out
what the next big thing is.

260
00:11:45,302 --> 00:11:46,802
Oh, I-I got lots of ideas.

261
00:11:46,837 --> 00:11:50,071
I've been working on something
called "Look At It, Kick It."

262
00:11:52,443 --> 00:11:53,975
Look at it...

263
00:11:54,011 --> 00:11:55,744
Excuse me, can I help you?

264
00:11:55,779 --> 00:11:57,345
Kick it!

265
00:11:57,381 --> 00:11:58,847
Pure genius.

266
00:11:58,882 --> 00:12:01,416
See you in Silicon Valley.

267
00:12:01,452 --> 00:12:02,818
Oh, this is exciting.

268
00:12:02,853 --> 00:12:04,119
A family trip.

269
00:12:04,154 --> 00:12:05,587
Yeah, I love traveling.

270
00:12:05,622 --> 00:12:07,856
Oh, except that trip to Europe
where we spent most of our time

271
00:12:07,891 --> 00:12:10,158
trying to refold our map.

272
00:12:10,194 --> 00:12:12,160
All right, the museum is that way,

273
00:12:12,196 --> 00:12:14,196
so let's fold the map and go.

274
00:12:18,268 --> 00:12:20,635
Okay, couple more folds...

275
00:12:20,671 --> 00:12:22,437
Nope, okay, wrong end.

276
00:12:22,473 --> 00:12:23,839
Now, let's see...

277
00:12:23,874 --> 00:12:25,340
Nope, nope, that's wrong...

278
00:12:25,375 --> 00:12:26,541
Find the corners.

279
00:12:26,577 --> 00:12:27,776
It's not a puzzle, Chris.

280
00:12:27,811 --> 00:12:29,478
Y-You got to fold on the creases.

281
00:12:29,513 --> 00:12:30,812
I'd be able to find the creases

282
00:12:30,848 --> 00:12:33,014
if somebody had folded it
correctly last time.

283
00:12:33,050 --> 00:12:34,516
I did fold it correctly.

284
00:12:34,551 --> 00:12:36,585
Nope, you didn't, and then,
you jammed it into a backpack

285
00:12:36,620 --> 00:12:37,919
and now I'm in this mess.

286
00:12:37,955 --> 00:12:39,554
Don't blame me, you ripped it up

287
00:12:39,590 --> 00:12:41,723
when you were tearing through
the backpack for your snacks.

288
00:12:41,758 --> 00:12:44,092
Okay, this is why I wanted
to bring a globe, all right?

289
00:12:44,127 --> 00:12:45,427
You don't have to fold a globe.

290
00:12:45,462 --> 00:12:48,330
Who the hell would bring
a globe on vacation?

291
00:12:48,365 --> 00:12:50,031
See, Bon? We're eating food,

292
00:12:50,067 --> 00:12:52,200
and they're tearing each other apart.

293
00:12:52,236 --> 00:12:55,203
Where to next, mon chéri?

294
00:13:00,377 --> 00:13:01,943
Welcome to Boop.

295
00:13:01,979 --> 00:13:04,713
As our name suggests,
our mainframe connects to

296
00:13:04,748 --> 00:13:07,716
and powers virtually
every server on the globe.

297
00:13:07,751 --> 00:13:10,819
Without Boop, there is no Internet.

298
00:13:10,854 --> 00:13:12,287
Hey, Parker. Are we still on

299
00:13:12,322 --> 00:13:14,689
for the Samsung Galaxy Note
meeting after lunch?

300
00:13:14,725 --> 00:13:16,157
Yep. Are-are the test results in?

301
00:13:16,193 --> 00:13:17,459
Yeah, but...

302
00:13:17,494 --> 00:13:19,794
Let's save it for the meeting.

303
00:13:19,830 --> 00:13:20,929
Where's your nearest bathroom?

304
00:13:20,964 --> 00:13:21,997
Gender-fluid?

305
00:13:22,032 --> 00:13:24,099
Yes, there will be a lot of that.

306
00:13:25,936 --> 00:13:29,504
Hmm, must be one of them
high-tech Japanese toilets.

307
00:13:30,741 --> 00:13:34,776
? I'm gonna pee into electrical urinal ?

308
00:13:34,811 --> 00:13:37,045
? And make the sparks go higher. ?

309
00:13:37,080 --> 00:13:39,180
I'm having so much fun.

310
00:13:41,785 --> 00:13:43,818
What the hell is going on?

311
00:13:43,854 --> 00:13:45,787
Our mainframe is having a meltdown!

312
00:13:45,822 --> 00:13:47,255
Hang on, let me flush.

313
00:13:48,992 --> 00:13:50,225
You idiot.

314
00:13:50,260 --> 00:13:52,027
You shut down the entire Internet.

315
00:13:52,062 --> 00:13:53,395
How could you do that?

316
00:13:53,430 --> 00:13:55,564
This is the most irresponsible
thing that I've ever...

317
00:13:55,599 --> 00:13:57,432
Although I was incensed by this man,

318
00:13:57,467 --> 00:14:00,735
I had to admire his courage
for leaving his penis out

319
00:14:00,771 --> 00:14:02,804
the entire time I was yelling at him.

320
00:14:02,839 --> 00:14:05,307
As a man who struggles
with body dysmorphia,

321
00:14:05,342 --> 00:14:06,875
I couldn't help but be impressed

322
00:14:06,910 --> 00:14:09,177
by that kind of self-confidence.

323
00:14:09,212 --> 00:14:11,980
As I stood there,
being berated by this man,

324
00:14:12,015 --> 00:14:15,083
I couldn't help but notice
his searching gaze.

325
00:14:15,118 --> 00:14:17,052
Years later,
we would bump into each other

326
00:14:17,087 --> 00:14:20,221
at a small cafe in Rome and
reminisce about this moment.

327
00:14:20,257 --> 00:14:23,558
And later still, recreate it
in a small bed and breakfast

328
00:14:23,594 --> 00:14:25,360
at the bottom of the Spanish Steps.

329
00:14:25,395 --> 00:14:27,729
But that's a story for another time.

330
00:14:27,764 --> 00:14:30,832
Or, as they say in Italian, molto homo.

331
00:14:38,705 --> 00:14:40,305
Peter, you've done some stupid things,

332
00:14:40,340 --> 00:14:42,774
but crashing the Internet has
to be the dumbest yet.

333
00:14:42,809 --> 00:14:45,744
Look at the chaos you've caused.

334
00:14:48,248 --> 00:14:50,949
I have no idea
how to drive without texting.

335
00:14:52,920 --> 00:14:54,986
Why can't I post this video?

336
00:14:55,022 --> 00:14:57,122
- Hello.
- What did you say?

337
00:14:57,157 --> 00:14:59,424
Why aren't you looking
at your phone, you psycho?

338
00:14:59,459 --> 00:15:01,092
Why is no one liking my posts?

339
00:15:01,128 --> 00:15:02,494
Well, I hate all your posts!

340
00:15:02,529 --> 00:15:03,628
Hello.

341
00:15:12,239 --> 00:15:14,472
Hello.

342
00:15:14,508 --> 00:15:15,574
Peter, Lois is right.

343
00:15:15,609 --> 00:15:16,841
This mess is all your fault.

344
00:15:16,877 --> 00:15:18,209
Settle down, Brian.

345
00:15:18,245 --> 00:15:20,378
I'm sure life will be just fine
without the Internet.

346
00:15:20,414 --> 00:15:23,281
Maybe we can even go see
that Amish comedian.

347
00:15:23,317 --> 00:15:24,783
Sir, where are you from?

348
00:15:24,818 --> 00:15:25,884
Chicago.

349
00:15:25,919 --> 00:15:27,586
I have never been to Chicago.

350
00:15:27,621 --> 00:15:28,820
How about you, sir?

351
00:15:28,855 --> 00:15:29,888
Boston!

352
00:15:29,923 --> 00:15:31,423
I have never been to Boston.

353
00:15:31,458 --> 00:15:34,960
Anyone here from the back fields
of Pennsylvania, Ohio

354
00:15:34,995 --> 00:15:36,127
or upstate New York?

355
00:15:36,163 --> 00:15:37,295
No!

356
00:15:37,331 --> 00:15:40,432
Then I have been Jebediah, son of Abner.

357
00:15:42,536 --> 00:15:44,402
How are we gonna get back
to the airport?

358
00:15:44,438 --> 00:15:46,404
There's no Internet,
which means there's no GPS,

359
00:15:46,440 --> 00:15:47,906
which means we can't use Uber.

360
00:15:47,941 --> 00:15:49,307
Okay, I have a crazy idea.

361
00:15:49,343 --> 00:15:50,475
Let's get a cab.

362
00:15:50,510 --> 00:15:52,177
There's a taxi stand.

363
00:15:53,213 --> 00:15:55,113
Dead.

364
00:15:55,148 --> 00:15:56,214
Dead...

365
00:15:56,249 --> 00:15:57,549
Dead.

366
00:15:57,584 --> 00:15:58,650
Barely alive.

367
00:15:58,685 --> 00:15:59,784
To the airport.

368
00:16:02,823 --> 00:16:04,889
Now, because you can't stare
at your phone anymore,

369
00:16:04,925 --> 00:16:08,793
enjoy a disturbingly loud clip
of Jimmy Fallon on cab TV.

370
00:16:08,829 --> 00:16:11,196
Tonight, get ready to lose
all respect for Al Pacino

371
00:16:11,231 --> 00:16:13,798
when I force him to play a game
meant for children!

372
00:16:13,834 --> 00:16:14,899
This.

373
00:16:14,935 --> 00:16:16,801
This is why Uber.

374
00:16:20,474 --> 00:16:24,242
No Netflix, no Hulu, no Amazon...

375
00:16:24,277 --> 00:16:25,877
I'm so bored.

376
00:16:25,912 --> 00:16:27,712
Come on, Meg, you're overreacting.

377
00:16:27,748 --> 00:16:29,447
We still got network TV.

378
00:16:29,483 --> 00:16:33,184
We now return to Kevin Can Wait on CBS.

379
00:16:33,220 --> 00:16:34,352
Well, that's not gonna work.

380
00:16:34,388 --> 00:16:35,887
Okay, everybody, don't panic.

381
00:16:35,922 --> 00:16:38,223
We'll just do what people did
before the Internet.

382
00:16:38,258 --> 00:16:39,391
We can play charades.

383
00:16:39,426 --> 00:16:41,192
Oh, you mean like your marriage?

384
00:16:41,228 --> 00:16:43,228
Chris, I told you that in confidence.

385
00:16:43,263 --> 00:16:44,629
Dad, you got to do something.

386
00:16:44,665 --> 00:16:46,464
Nobody can live without the Internet.

387
00:16:46,500 --> 00:16:48,233
Ah, you're right. This sucks.

388
00:16:48,268 --> 00:16:50,135
It's even worse
than when I was roommates

389
00:16:50,170 --> 00:16:51,569
with Oscar Pistorius.

390
00:16:51,605 --> 00:16:53,271
Somebody's in here.

391
00:16:53,306 --> 00:16:56,007
Somebody's in here!

392
00:16:56,043 --> 00:16:57,609
I'm the one who screwed this up.

393
00:16:57,644 --> 00:16:59,310
I'll be the one to fix it.

394
00:16:59,346 --> 00:17:01,112
I'll be the Internet.

395
00:17:01,148 --> 00:17:02,547
What are you talking about?

396
00:17:02,582 --> 00:17:04,849
We can do all the things
we loved about the Internet.

397
00:17:04,885 --> 00:17:06,751
We just got to do it without technology.

398
00:17:06,787 --> 00:17:08,787
From now on,
if you want to tweet something,

399
00:17:08,822 --> 00:17:10,255
you do it the old-fashioned way:

400
00:17:10,290 --> 00:17:11,656
write it on a piece of paper,

401
00:17:11,692 --> 00:17:14,492
staple it to a bird,
and throw it out the door.

402
00:17:18,699 --> 00:17:20,899
Hey, do you follow Peter Griffin
on Twitter?

403
00:17:20,934 --> 00:17:22,534
No. Why? Is he funny?

404
00:17:22,569 --> 00:17:24,469
No, he just throws dead birds
on his lawn.

405
00:17:24,504 --> 00:17:25,870
It's awesome.

406
00:17:29,743 --> 00:17:31,576
Great news, Chris. I figured out

407
00:17:31,611 --> 00:17:33,678
how to recreate the best part of
the Internet.

408
00:17:33,714 --> 00:17:35,714
I've got pictures of five celebrities

409
00:17:35,749 --> 00:17:37,615
who you'd never believe used to be fat.

410
00:17:37,651 --> 00:17:39,984
- Great, let's see 'em.
- Sure, buddy.

411
00:17:40,020 --> 00:17:43,521
But first you have to watch
this unwelcome pop-up ad.

412
00:17:43,557 --> 00:17:45,690
I don't want probiotics.

413
00:17:45,726 --> 00:17:47,058
Then press the "skip ad" button.

414
00:17:47,094 --> 00:17:48,993
Why should I do all this work?

415
00:17:49,029 --> 00:17:50,829
They're really good pictures, Chris.

416
00:17:50,864 --> 00:17:52,564
Number three will shock you.

417
00:17:52,599 --> 00:17:54,199
Okay, I'll press it.

418
00:17:54,234 --> 00:17:56,267
Oh, no! You pressed in the wrong place,

419
00:17:56,303 --> 00:17:58,403
and now you're being sent
to the ad's website,

420
00:17:58,438 --> 00:18:00,271
which also has additional pop-ups.

421
00:18:00,307 --> 00:18:01,673
This is a nightmare!

422
00:18:01,708 --> 00:18:03,174
Just tell me one of 'em.

423
00:18:03,210 --> 00:18:04,375
Kenan Thompson.

424
00:18:04,411 --> 00:18:06,644
That's not a surprise!

425
00:18:09,416 --> 00:18:10,815
Peter? What are you doing?

426
00:18:10,851 --> 00:18:12,751
Oh, I'm your Waze app today.

427
00:18:12,786 --> 00:18:14,419
- You on your way to work?
- Yeah, I am.

428
00:18:14,454 --> 00:18:16,588
All right, you will be there
in six minutes.

429
00:18:16,623 --> 00:18:17,822
Just start heading straight.

430
00:18:17,858 --> 00:18:19,224
Okay, sounds good.

431
00:18:21,261 --> 00:18:23,962
- So, how's everything at...
- Take a right! Right now!

432
00:18:25,098 --> 00:18:26,564
Geez, okay, calm down.

433
00:18:26,600 --> 00:18:28,166
Left! Take a left immediately!

434
00:18:32,973 --> 00:18:34,339
Would you like to upgrade

435
00:18:34,374 --> 00:18:36,908
to an ad-free experience for $4.99?

436
00:18:36,943 --> 00:18:40,245
- No.
- Try new Domino's Pizza.

437
00:18:44,785 --> 00:18:46,618
Hey, Peter, who are these guys?

438
00:18:46,653 --> 00:18:48,119
Oh, this is just my looping GIF

439
00:18:48,155 --> 00:18:51,356
of black teens reacting
to a very mild burn.

440
00:18:51,391 --> 00:18:53,091
Huh. Sounds kind of pointless.

441
00:18:53,126 --> 00:18:54,292
Oh, you mean like your feet?

442
00:19:05,138 --> 00:19:07,572
All right, trying to be
the Internet is impossible.

443
00:19:07,607 --> 00:19:09,641
I wish I never peed on that server.

444
00:19:09,676 --> 00:19:11,242
You know, when my phone gets wet,

445
00:19:11,278 --> 00:19:12,710
I just put it in a bag of rice.

446
00:19:12,746 --> 00:19:14,045
Shut up, Meg. That's dumb.

447
00:19:14,080 --> 00:19:15,680
I've done that before. It works.

448
00:19:15,715 --> 00:19:17,382
Chris, that's brilliant.

449
00:19:17,417 --> 00:19:19,584
We just need a big bag
and a lot of rice.

450
00:19:19,619 --> 00:19:21,019
You sure that's gonna work?

451
00:19:21,054 --> 00:19:22,220
Eh, worth a shot.

452
00:19:22,255 --> 00:19:23,688
We'll just have to roll up our sleeves

453
00:19:23,723 --> 00:19:25,089
and do the best we can,

454
00:19:25,125 --> 00:19:27,659
like the men who built New York City.

455
00:19:27,694 --> 00:19:31,229
Men, creating an entire
subway system out of nothing

456
00:19:31,264 --> 00:19:34,299
is grueling, thankless,
life-threatening work.

457
00:19:34,334 --> 00:19:36,501
But just remember: we're doing this

458
00:19:36,536 --> 00:19:39,370
so that one day,
future commuters can be hassled

459
00:19:39,406 --> 00:19:42,473
by panhandlers
and amateur break-dancers.

460
00:19:42,509 --> 00:19:44,375
What about public masturbators?

461
00:19:44,411 --> 00:19:46,611
Especially public masturbators.

462
00:19:46,646 --> 00:19:49,113
Now, let's go die underground!

463
00:19:57,524 --> 00:19:59,791
Look, we're getting a signal.

464
00:19:59,826 --> 00:20:01,192
I think we fixed the Internet.

465
00:20:01,228 --> 00:20:02,393
Something's coming through.

466
00:20:02,429 --> 00:20:03,795
It looks like an ad.

467
00:20:03,830 --> 00:20:06,698
"Smithwick's Artisinal Pretzels."

468
00:20:06,733 --> 00:20:09,100
Son of a bitch!

469
00:20:14,474 --> 00:20:16,841
Well, I'm glad you got the Internet...

470
00:20:16,877 --> 00:20:19,110
H-Hold on.

471
00:20:19,145 --> 00:20:21,012
I'm sorry, what-what were you saying?

472
00:20:21,047 --> 00:20:22,580
Yeah, sounds good.

473
00:20:22,616 --> 00:20:25,149
And send.

474
00:20:25,185 --> 00:20:28,052
Take that, Delta Air Lines.

475
00:20:39,499 --> 00:20:41,065
Submitted for your approval:

476
00:20:41,101 --> 00:20:44,335
a restaurant full of people
so distracted by their phones,

477
00:20:44,371 --> 00:20:47,538
they're unaware that they're all
about to go up in smoke,

478
00:20:47,574 --> 00:20:50,041
just like the Fox Tuesday night lineup.

479
00:21:00,024 --> 00:21:03,024
- Synced and corrected by AlexandreMT -
- www.addic7ed.com -