Previously on The Last Man On Earth...
I came across some murdered corpses
hidden in our walls.
The chances of that blob being people
are almost nonexistent.
Let's go.
Home, sweet...
We're moving.
Wh-What do you mean we're moving?
The house is filled with dead bodies
sealed up in the walls.
It's like a gingerbread house made of corpses, bud.
And guns! All over the place.
You'd swear we were still in America.
Oh! Looks like you guys missed a spot here.
Well, how was your trip? Did you find any people?
Hate to say it, Care Bear,
but we're all still fighting a raging case of HPV...
- Human People Vanished. - And of course,
Phil is still battling the more traditional strain as well...
- And-and winning! And-and winning. - Sure. Oh, hey!
We did bring you guys back some horny little souvenirs.
You're gonna love this.
Ta-da!
- Oh, no, no, no, no! - Whoa, hey! Hey!
- Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! - Stop! Get back here! Halt!
Idiot.
- We'll get them later. - Kids, am I right?
Well, guess it's time we say our final good-byes.
? Our house ?
? In the middle ?
? Of our ?
? Street... ?
Today we say adios to a very special casa.
It hasn't been this hard to say good-bye to a house
since Hugh Laurie died, but we must.
So many memories.
Where our babies saw their first piano explode.
Where Todd's yeoman-like self-pleasuring
put another baby in the Dundee pouch.
Where Gail propositioned me to have sex
and was furious when I called her on it.
And where I taught an old dog the greatest trick of all,
how to roll over and play alive.
And so we lay to rest the brave souls
who insulated our walls lo these many months.
Melissa will now honor them with a 21-gun salute.
- That was about 21. - That was beautiful.
And as we move on to our new home in Cancun...
Hoo-dee!
A controversial suggestion from an unnamed source...
- Proud of it. - who pressured us relentlessly
until we bent to his or her whims
like the jellyfish we are...
- Yeah, you did. - We bid our final "hasta la vista, baby"
to this place that meant so much
until it turned into a raging carnival of horrors.
And now,
we send it back to Hell, from whence it came.
Beelzebub,
take this house and shove it in your butt.
Now stand back, everyone.
I packed a lot of charge in there.
It's a remote control thing for explosives.
Okay, now.
Goggles?
Un-soft hats?
Here we go.
Three... two... one...
Hold on, Tandy, wait!
Cancun, baby!
So we're really doing this?
I mean, we're just gonna leave Jasper behind?
I left him a self-driving car with coordinates to Cancun.
I mean, if he wants to come, he'll come.
Yeah, you're doing the right thing.
What's going on there?
- What? - With the...
- Oh, this? - Yeah.
As you know, being pregnant really takes its toll
on the female body.
In my case, my sleep apnea
has now blossomed into full-blown day apnea.
And-and the sunglasses?
Well, to be honest,
I'm a little self-conscious about the mask,
so I thought the sunglasses might up my cool factor.
Is it working?
- Totally. - Very... yeah, very cool.
You sure you don't want to take your truck?
No, I'm good.
She already did her job, you know?
She brought me back to my brother.
Plus, the cab is literally soaked in goat piss.
Oh, uh, that reminds me, I brought you a little lemonade.
Why did goat... make you think of lemonade?
Why is it in a vase?
Uh...
And why's there so little of it, too?
- It's just this small amount. - It's really a simple question.
- Do you want some lemonade or not? - Nah, I'm good.
So what's the plan?
Drive out to Tapachula, grab as many goats as we can,
then bust ass for Cankizzy.
How are we gonna get everyone there?
Should we go pick up an R.V. or something?
I was thinking more along the lines of an S.E....
Something else.
All aboard!
Next stop, Tapachula!
Cancun, baby!
Well, Andy,
it's still hard saying good-bye to Zihuatanejo.
Well, Red,
get busy living...
Or get busy dying.
Well, I guess it's time for me to move on
to the next movie in my filmography, Seven.
Will you join me, Brad Pitt?
What's in the box? What's in the box?!
Ah...
Hey, couldn't help notice you guys Frenching over here,
and I love it. You know, glad you guys are enjoying
each other's mouths.
- What do you want, Tandy? - Look.
I feel like Mike is still a little bit lonely,
so I think it might be nice
if we, you know, keep the PDA to a minimum.
I mean, for instance, Carol and I have decided
that every time we want to kiss,
we're just gonna shake hands instead.
It's actually been pretty erotic.
After all, the, you know, the palm is the vagina of the hand.
- No, it's not. - So, uh, what do you say?
- Copy that, bud. - Thanks, bud. Friendship kiss?
- Of course. - Great.
That was a test. You failed it.
Son of a gun.
Well, the last time I was on a train,
I was smuggling a duffel bag full of endangered turtles,
but this is pretty nice.
Is this all the food we brought?
Mango chutney and a pie shell?
That's the only stuff in the house that wasn't expired.
Oh, don't worry.
According to Tandy and Mike, 13 more hours
and we'll be swimming in goat meat.
Looks like we've been "goats-ted."
I don't get it. They were right here.
Oh, my God. Are those avocado trees?
Look at all these orange trees.
Well, I'd say they're mostly green and brown,
but they do have the fruit oranges on them.
Idiot.
Hey, uh, why don't you guys stick around here,
and, uh, Phil and I will go look for the goats, all right?
Hey, Todd, do you know how to build a fire?
Yeah, no problem. We, uh, we have any oven mitts?
I'll do it.
Okay.
- Well, be back soon. - Oh.
- Bye. - Bye.
? Let me do all the things ?
? You want me to do ?
? 'Cause tonight, baby ?
? I want to get freaky ?
? With you, oh. ?
Yeah.
Hey, you know, speaking of getting freaky,
you and Carol can totally kiss in front of me.
- It doesn't bother me. - Oh.
You know, I just didn't want to make you uncomfortable.
I know you've been feeling a little lonely.
Phil...
I'm fine.
- Yeah? - Okay. Okay.
Mind if we pick up the pace here a little bit, though?
Oh, sorry. Clancy kind of marches
to the beat of his own drum.
So what's the story with this thing, anyway?
I don't know.
I missed having a dog.
And this is working for you?
Oh, yeah, Clancy is great, yeah. Watch this.
Clancy, fetch!
Okay, come on.
There you go. Good approach.
Head down. Come on. There you go.
Okay, now pick it up.
You should know from experience this would work a lot better
if you rubbed a little peanut butter on it.
Mike, that is so aggressively wack.
- What? - Okay, that was one time.
Hey, hey. Check it out.
What?
Oh, my God.
Kind of reminds me of Grandma's.
All right, come on. Let's go.
Okay.
Incredible, Carol.
I mean, I'd order this in a sit-down restaurant.
Ah, look at you gals getting your feast on.
Carol has really outdone herself.
You see any goats out there?
Uh, unfortunately, no.
But we did see a pretty cool house.
You know, it could come in handy
if we need to stay here longer than expected.
Okay, hold up. Just how long are we gonna wait
for these goats, anyway?
Yeah, we need to make a plan.
The plan is we stay for as long as it takes.
I mean, this could be a food source
that could last us the rest of our lives.
Goat milk, goat cheese, goat yogurt, goat, uh, eggs.
What's the harm in waiting around a few more days?
This is a pretty pleasant place.
Fine, but I'm not waiting around forever for billy goat cheese.
Yeah, that's right.
Yeah, what if they never come back?
You got this long.
Ticktock.
Hey, can't sleep?
Yeah, me, neither.
Want to take a little walk?
Oh. Hey, Clancy, fetch.
Fetch.
What the hell?
Hey there, little turkey.
Hey. Hey, don't be afraid.
Come here. Come here.
No, no, no! Where are you going?
Hey! Come back!
Tandy!
The goats! They came back!
Cancun, baby.
Looks like that just about does it.
You ready to leave, Boogersleeve?
Cancun, baby!
Phil.
Look.
- Hey, why are we stopping? - That was that little dog
- you were talking about. - Yeah.
Hey, little guy!
You want to go to Cancun with us?
Hey, come here!
Well, I guess he wants to stay here.
- What's going on? - Cancun, baby!
Come on!
Cancun! Cancun!
- Cancun! Cancun! - All right, Phil. Come on.
- Let's do it. - Cancun! Cancun!
Cancun! Cancun! Cancun!
Cancun! Cancun!
- Cancun! Cancun! - What's up, bud?
Cancun! Cancun! Cancun!
- Cancun! Cancun! - Phil?
Cancun! Cancun!
What the hell?
What the hell you doing, Phil?
Oh, my God, are you digging a grave
for your dead robot dog?
No. The grave I'm digging...
is for me.
No, Tandy. Think of the children!
No, look, it's not for right now.
It's for years from now.
I don't understand.
Last night, I dug a grave for that thing.
That's not a dog.
But I convinced myself it was
'cause it was the closest I could find to the real thing.
But then I saw a dog... like, a real dog.
And it made me realize
I've been chasing after something that doesn't exist.
We all have.
What are you saying?
He's saying he wants to live here.
Are you high?
Yeah, Gail, I am high.
Okay, high on fresh food and clean water.
I mean, this place has
everything we need to make a life.
You know, fertile soil and natural irrigation,
fields for the goats, you name it.
But it's in the middle of nowhere.
Oh, so you think that Cancun is gonna be better?
'Cause I can tell you exactly what we're gonna find there.
Beaches littered with dead bodies,
stores picked clean of all the supplies.
We'll show up, find a fancy place to live;
then, after six months, we'll just leave it
for another place that's exactly like it.
Where does it end?
Look, there's literally an expiration date
on the way we've been living,
and that date has passed.
So, look, if you guys want to go to Cancun
and raise our kids on expired pie shells
and mango chutney, hey, I'll go along with it.
But I happen to think there's something better out there.
And it's right here.
Well, Tandy, you know my answer.
I'm with you.
Us, too, bud.
Maybe it's time we all grow up.
Tapachula, baby!
Carol, this is actually delicious.
Thanks, Mom.
You know, you wouldn't think goat hair would make
a good barbecue rub,
but it always surprises.
Hey, uh, Mike.
can I talk to you for a sec?
What's up?
This.
I already, uh, disconnected the train,
so, uh, you can leave whenever you want.
What?
You're not gonna be happy here. Not yet.
You have to go and see what's out there.
Wh... are you sure?
There you go, guys.
So, this is it.
For now.
I have something for you.
This is yours now.
No.
Turn around.
Turn around. Yeah.
Whenever you feel lonely, give that thing a tug,
and you'll know I'm with you.
Now I feel bad, you know.
I-I didn't get you anything.
Oh, no, that's fine.
Oh, you know what?
Here.
A few armpit hairs.
I know it's not much, but...
I love it.
I hope you find what you're looking for.
Yeah, I do, too.
Is he gone?
Yeah.
Are you okay?
Yeah.
Come here.
Your rattail.
It's gone.
But the rat remains.
He'll cherish it.
So, gals, ready to do this thing?
- Yeah! - Tandy!
Then let's make like a tree and put some roots down.
Oh, I'm so jazzed.
It just feels so right.
- I mean, we did it. We really did it. - Yeah.
Uh, guys...
I mean, sure, you know, we took
a few detours along the way,
but we learned from our mistakes and, you know,
we figured it all out.
Uh, guys... you better come here.
It's just so friggin' exciting.
For the first time ever...
and hell, even before the virus...
it just finally feels like things are gonna be okay.
Tandy?
I think you need to see this.
Sure, Care Bear.
It's just so exciting.
I mean, there's just something peaceful
about being in the place where you know you're gonna...
die.
Oh, farts.
Synced and corrected by Octavia - www.addic7ed.com -