1
00:00:00,043 --> 00:00:02,377
Daddies will miss you both
so much! Have the best time!

2
00:00:02,446 --> 00:00:04,212
- Bye, honey.
- Ohh.

3
00:00:04,271 --> 00:00:08,147
? We're alone! We're alone!
We're alone! We're alone! ?

4
00:00:08,216 --> 00:00:10,149
There's a box out here
marked fruit of the month.

5
00:00:10,218 --> 00:00:12,718
I'm assuming that means
one of you won a contest.

6
00:00:12,787 --> 00:00:14,687
So, Pam's moving back home

7
00:00:14,756 --> 00:00:17,523
after living in our upstairs
unit for like three years.

8
00:00:17,592 --> 00:00:19,759
Uh, okay, it's been
a year and nine days,

9
00:00:19,827 --> 00:00:21,160
and she chopped us all that wood.

10
00:00:21,229 --> 00:00:23,329
Plus, she's taking Lily back
to see my parents.

11
00:00:23,397 --> 00:00:26,298
It's birthing season so
she gets to name her first pig.

12
00:00:26,367 --> 00:00:28,600
Oh, and then we slaughter it
on her 13th birthday.

13
00:00:28,969 --> 00:00:30,101
There's prayers and dancing.

14
00:00:30,170 --> 00:00:31,603
It's not unlike
your standard bar mitzvah.

15
00:00:31,672 --> 00:00:34,306
Except a lot more pork
and a lot less Jews.

16
00:00:34,385 --> 00:00:37,086
Anyway, we're excited to have
the house to ourselves again.

17
00:00:37,155 --> 00:00:39,889
? Naked breakfast, naked breakfast ?

18
00:00:41,126 --> 00:00:42,558
Just ignore it.

19
00:00:42,627 --> 00:00:45,728
? Making sausages and grits,
barely coverin' our bits ?

20
00:00:46,118 --> 00:00:49,453
? Cookin' a frittata
while wearin' nada ?

21
00:00:51,457 --> 00:00:54,558
I knew you two would
keep the side door unlocked.

22
00:00:54,626 --> 00:00:57,994
What would you do
if I were a deranged psychopath?

23
00:00:58,063 --> 00:01:00,464
I'd probably start with, "Hi,
Mom, what are you doing here?"

24
00:01:00,532 --> 00:01:02,365
Jerry and I had a terrible row!

25
00:01:02,434 --> 00:01:03,567
Ohh.

26
00:01:03,635 --> 00:01:05,368
Well, put on some pants so we can hug.

27
00:01:05,437 --> 00:01:06,536
- Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Back to back.

28
00:01:06,605 --> 00:01:08,205
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

29
00:01:08,273 --> 00:01:09,573
Why didn't we just back out?

30
00:01:09,641 --> 00:01:11,575
I don't know, but we're already
committed to this.

31
00:01:17,649 --> 00:01:22,649
Synced and corrected by BLuk
www.addic7ed.com

32
00:01:24,838 --> 00:01:26,320
Okay, last run.

33
00:01:26,337 --> 00:01:29,136
And then we clean up
or your mom will be mad.

34
00:01:29,205 --> 00:01:30,937
And go!

35
00:01:34,076 --> 00:01:35,776
Nice job.

36
00:01:35,844 --> 00:01:37,377
Keep her steady.

37
00:01:37,446 --> 00:01:39,079
- Okay.
- Got this.

38
00:01:39,916 --> 00:01:41,415
- Oh!
- No!

39
00:01:41,483 --> 00:01:45,118
- Oh, no.
- Oh, no!

40
00:01:45,187 --> 00:01:46,520
I recently sat for

41
00:01:46,588 --> 00:01:48,989
my Pritchett's Closets
presidential portrait.

42
00:01:49,058 --> 00:01:50,857
It's a dumb tradition my dad started,

43
00:01:50,926 --> 00:01:53,026
but I kind of love
the way mine turned out.

44
00:01:53,095 --> 00:01:55,495
At least it's more understated than his.

45
00:01:55,564 --> 00:01:57,064
The colors are muted

46
00:01:57,132 --> 00:02:00,667
and I am not wearing a sash
and service revolver.

47
00:02:00,736 --> 00:02:01,835
We're dead.

48
00:02:01,904 --> 00:02:03,070
We never should have played with...

49
00:02:03,138 --> 00:02:05,605
Where is the drone? Did you turn it off?

50
00:02:05,674 --> 00:02:07,941
I was asleep.

51
00:02:08,010 --> 00:02:11,345
Wow, this place looks dynamite.

52
00:02:11,413 --> 00:02:14,681
I wanted to give Manny
a nice premiere for his movie.

53
00:02:14,750 --> 00:02:17,217
He's been in such a dry spell
creatively.

54
00:02:17,286 --> 00:02:19,753
That modern dance recital was like...

55
00:02:19,822 --> 00:02:21,655
Ugh, I couldn't even
look at that leotard.

56
00:02:21,724 --> 00:02:24,491
Okay, yeah, he's a terrible dancer,
but you don't have to use that word.

57
00:02:24,560 --> 00:02:27,027
For my film class, I wrote
and directed a short.

58
00:02:27,096 --> 00:02:29,296
I felt the horror genre was
the best way to grapple with

59
00:02:29,365 --> 00:02:30,497
the struggles of our time.

60
00:02:30,566 --> 00:02:32,432
When Manny first came to me
with the project...

61
00:02:32,501 --> 00:02:35,001
You read a script I left out
and you elbowed your way in.

62
00:02:35,070 --> 00:02:37,070
Semantics.
I was gonna be the silent money.

63
00:02:37,139 --> 00:02:39,906
But it turns out I've got some
natural storytelling talent,

64
00:02:39,975 --> 00:02:42,109
so I took on a more creative role.

65
00:02:42,177 --> 00:02:44,511
In spite of that, I got my first "A."

66
00:02:44,580 --> 00:02:47,147
Our first "A."

67
00:02:47,216 --> 00:02:49,716
I can't deal with my mother's
marriage drama right now.

68
00:02:49,785 --> 00:02:52,452
Nobody gets the love-lorn
back on their feet

69
00:02:52,521 --> 00:02:54,187
and out the door faster than we do.

70
00:02:54,256 --> 00:02:57,157
We'll just trot out our...
our trusty "heartbreak kit."

71
00:02:57,226 --> 00:02:58,959
Is that in the closet
next to the earthquake kit?

72
00:02:59,027 --> 00:03:00,327
And the Eartha Kitt.

73
00:03:00,396 --> 00:03:02,896
Did you put those all in the
same place just to delight me?

74
00:03:02,965 --> 00:03:04,931
- I did.
- Aww.

75
00:03:05,000 --> 00:03:08,235
So, you have wine, a self-help book,

76
00:03:08,303 --> 00:03:10,804
a-a pillow shaped like
the platonic ideal

77
00:03:10,873 --> 00:03:14,274
of a male torso for cuddling
and/or punching...

78
00:03:14,343 --> 00:03:18,945
And a DVD we made for you called
the "Donna Summer Olympics."

79
00:03:19,014 --> 00:03:21,448
It's a compilation of
all the sexiest male athletes

80
00:03:21,517 --> 00:03:23,717
accompanied by the high queen of disco.

81
00:03:23,786 --> 00:03:25,118
Oh, you boys.

82
00:03:25,187 --> 00:03:28,155
So sensitive to a woman's needs.

83
00:03:28,223 --> 00:03:30,490
Unlike Jerry.

84
00:03:30,559 --> 00:03:33,894
Did I tell you that his mother
is living with us?

85
00:03:33,962 --> 00:03:35,695
Yeah, no discussion.

86
00:03:35,764 --> 00:03:38,064
She just shows up with her birds.

87
00:03:38,133 --> 00:03:40,700
Well, you know, Mom,
relationships take sacrifice.

88
00:03:40,769 --> 00:03:42,636
I mean, when Cam's sister Pam moved in,

89
00:03:42,704 --> 00:03:43,804
it w... it was hard on me.

90
00:03:43,872 --> 00:03:45,572
I-I was constantly worried about

91
00:03:45,641 --> 00:03:48,375
the lost money
on the upstairs rental and...

92
00:03:48,444 --> 00:03:51,311
You know, Mitchell, maybe
we shouldn't discuss money.

93
00:03:51,380 --> 00:03:52,813
It can be a bit unseemly.

94
00:03:52,881 --> 00:03:54,514
I wasn't planning on being unseemly,

95
00:03:54,583 --> 00:03:57,451
a word I've never heard you use before.

96
00:03:57,519 --> 00:03:59,653
I-I'm simply saying how stressful

97
00:03:59,721 --> 00:04:02,422
having a long-term house guest
can be and...

98
00:04:02,491 --> 00:04:05,325
- Oh.
- Oh, sweetie, yeah, take a breath.

99
00:04:05,394 --> 00:04:09,129
Oh, my... Oh, my... Oh, my God. No. No.

100
00:04:09,198 --> 00:04:10,430
You used to do this when I was young.

101
00:04:10,499 --> 00:04:12,833
Did you get this move from my mother?

102
00:04:12,901 --> 00:04:17,537
Mitchell, there is no reason for
this uns... um, high-temper...

103
00:04:17,606 --> 00:04:19,206
Unseemly! You were gonna say "unseemly"!

104
00:04:19,274 --> 00:04:21,141
Unseemly! You stole that word from her.

105
00:04:21,210 --> 00:04:22,843
Okay, okay, okay.
W-What's going on here?

106
00:04:22,911 --> 00:04:24,444
Are you two, um... friends?

107
00:04:24,513 --> 00:04:25,812
Yes.

108
00:04:25,881 --> 00:04:28,882
We talk on the phone,
e-mail, exchange recipes.

109
00:04:28,951 --> 00:04:31,418
Oh. Oh, is she the reason we've
been eating so much quinoa?

110
00:04:31,487 --> 00:04:33,019
- It's a super-food.
- It's a super-food.

111
00:04:33,088 --> 00:04:35,989
Okay, okay.
Can I talk to you for a second?

112
00:04:36,058 --> 00:04:37,557
Come on.

113
00:04:37,626 --> 00:04:40,360
Okay, no reason to lie about it,
'cause I already know.

114
00:04:40,429 --> 00:04:42,062
How long have you been
involved with this woman?

115
00:04:42,130 --> 00:04:44,297
Can I ask a question?
Is there a chance you're just

116
00:04:44,366 --> 00:04:46,733
kind of making this all about Mitchell?

117
00:04:46,816 --> 00:04:48,049
That's her.

118
00:04:48,118 --> 00:04:50,018
Your mouth is moving,
but that is her talking.

119
00:04:50,086 --> 00:04:51,486
Okay, don't you see what's happening?

120
00:04:51,554 --> 00:04:53,388
She's manipulating you to manipulate me.

121
00:04:53,456 --> 00:04:56,991
Don't you think I'm smart enough
to know if I'm being used?

122
00:04:57,060 --> 00:04:58,593
I also have a mom.

123
00:04:58,661 --> 00:05:00,094
You're out of your league here, bumpkin!

124
00:05:00,163 --> 00:05:01,662
Okay, this is a city mother!

125
00:05:01,731 --> 00:05:05,433
Wow. What happened to
the seemly man I married?

126
00:05:05,502 --> 00:05:07,335
You can't use it like that.

127
00:05:07,819 --> 00:05:09,685
Okay, how's it looking?

128
00:05:09,754 --> 00:05:11,086
Not bad.

129
00:05:11,155 --> 00:05:12,655
Who would've thought
Mom and Teddy Roosevelt

130
00:05:12,723 --> 00:05:14,323
were identical front-teeth twins?

131
00:05:14,392 --> 00:05:17,259
Okay, just give me a quick
minute to dry the glue.

132
00:05:17,328 --> 00:05:19,361
Oh, can you throw that shirt
on a hanger for me, actually?

133
00:05:19,430 --> 00:05:21,130
I need to look sharp for
Manny's premiere tonight.

134
00:05:21,199 --> 00:05:23,098
I play the Sheriff, which is ironic

135
00:05:23,167 --> 00:05:24,700
because I steal every scene I'm in.

136
00:05:24,769 --> 00:05:25,868
Dad, no! It's melting!

137
00:05:25,937 --> 00:05:27,736
ZZ Top!

138
00:05:27,805 --> 00:05:29,471
I've ruined your mother.

139
00:05:30,827 --> 00:05:31,959
Wait a second.

140
00:05:32,028 --> 00:05:33,360
Today's your mom's monthly spa day.

141
00:05:33,429 --> 00:05:34,528
I'm not following.

142
00:05:34,597 --> 00:05:36,230
Afterwards, th-there's a brief window

143
00:05:36,299 --> 00:05:37,598
when she's at her most relaxed
and understanding.

144
00:05:37,667 --> 00:05:39,433
It's the best time to give her bad news.

145
00:05:39,502 --> 00:05:41,101
I was gonna tell her about the $500

146
00:05:41,170 --> 00:05:43,037
I wired to that stranded
British guy on the phone,

147
00:05:43,105 --> 00:05:45,105
but this seems more important.

148
00:05:46,949 --> 00:05:48,048
Hi. Is Mom home?

149
00:05:48,117 --> 00:05:50,884
Honey, you look nice. Why?

150
00:05:50,953 --> 00:05:52,419
Did I hear Mom?

151
00:05:52,488 --> 00:05:53,653
Wait, you're dressed like a girl.

152
00:05:53,722 --> 00:05:55,055
No! You are not using the window.

153
00:05:55,124 --> 00:05:56,189
You got the last one!

154
00:05:56,258 --> 00:05:58,025
Did everyone know about this window?

155
00:05:58,093 --> 00:05:59,659
You guys need it too? For what?

156
00:06:02,531 --> 00:06:05,232
Oh, wow. It is not easy
doing something that dumb.

157
00:06:05,300 --> 00:06:07,167
Yeah, this is why men are over.

158
00:06:07,236 --> 00:06:09,736
I hope you enjoyed
the last 10,000 years.

159
00:06:09,805 --> 00:06:12,338
Listen, I have to bail on our
trip with Mom for Mother's Day.

160
00:06:12,383 --> 00:06:14,249
No! I have to bail, you have to go!

161
00:06:14,318 --> 00:06:15,351
She cried when we asked her.

162
00:06:15,419 --> 00:06:17,820
But my boss invited me to the Met Ball.

163
00:06:17,888 --> 00:06:21,190
Her therapy dog got the flu,
so I get to fly first class.

164
00:06:21,258 --> 00:06:24,159
- Well, on her lap.
- But Bill wants to take me away.

165
00:06:24,228 --> 00:06:25,728
This is the first time
I've had a boyfriend

166
00:06:25,796 --> 00:06:27,796
who's not spending Mother's Day
watching "Driving Miss Daisy"

167
00:06:27,865 --> 00:06:29,498
and pulling gray hairs
out of a hairbrush.

168
00:06:29,567 --> 00:06:32,401
Three asks in one window,
it's unprecedented.

169
00:06:32,470 --> 00:06:34,336
If we're gonna pull this off,
we're gonna have to make this

170
00:06:34,405 --> 00:06:37,405
the most relaxing environment
she's ever walked into.

171
00:06:38,386 --> 00:06:39,485
Surprise!

172
00:06:39,554 --> 00:06:40,953
- Nana!
- Dede!

173
00:06:41,022 --> 00:06:42,521
I'm sorry to barge in.

174
00:06:42,590 --> 00:06:44,323
I was visiting Cam and Mitch,

175
00:06:44,392 --> 00:06:46,992
and there's some tension over there.

176
00:06:47,061 --> 00:06:48,861
Well, where's my daughter?

177
00:06:48,930 --> 00:06:52,198
I don't hear any
cooking or cleaning sounds

178
00:06:52,266 --> 00:06:54,300
so I assume she's home.

179
00:06:55,670 --> 00:06:57,069
Dad, what do we do?

180
00:06:57,138 --> 00:06:59,004
Mitchell must've brought her.
Maybe he's still out...

181
00:07:00,208 --> 00:07:01,540
Coward!

182
00:07:01,863 --> 00:07:04,229
Oh, just in time.

183
00:07:04,298 --> 00:07:07,698
"Chapter Five... Toss that clown,
he's been keeping you down."

184
00:07:07,767 --> 00:07:09,367
Cam, I spent my whole life

185
00:07:09,435 --> 00:07:11,836
trying to get out from
underneath my mother's thumb,

186
00:07:11,904 --> 00:07:14,071
and I-I finally thought that
that was over.

187
00:07:14,140 --> 00:07:15,539
So to find out that she's been

188
00:07:15,608 --> 00:07:17,408
secretly managing me through you...

189
00:07:17,437 --> 00:07:19,437
Okay, before you throw a clot,

190
00:07:19,506 --> 00:07:21,840
please, come look at my laptop.

191
00:07:21,909 --> 00:07:24,209
Read the e-mails
your mother and I have sent.

192
00:07:24,278 --> 00:07:25,911
743 e-mails!

193
00:07:25,979 --> 00:07:27,579
It's mostly from one thread.

194
00:07:27,648 --> 00:07:30,215
- Okay, look what she says in this one.
- Mm-hmm.

195
00:07:30,284 --> 00:07:33,318
- "Some kitchen items you might like."
- Mm-hmm.

196
00:07:33,387 --> 00:07:36,888
- The stove, the tiles...
- What?

197
00:07:36,957 --> 00:07:40,258
...the... the... the folksy sign
on the wall, Cam!

198
00:07:40,296 --> 00:07:42,129
You said that these were your ideas.

199
00:07:42,198 --> 00:07:43,864
D-Don't you see she incepted you

200
00:07:43,933 --> 00:07:45,700
and... and designed our whole kitchen?!

201
00:07:45,768 --> 00:07:48,936
It was all so diabolical,
and it went deep.

202
00:07:49,005 --> 00:07:51,239
She tricked us into making
every decision in our lives.

203
00:07:51,307 --> 00:07:53,074
For example, 12 years ago,

204
00:07:53,142 --> 00:07:55,409
she sent me pictures of
adorable Asian babies.

205
00:07:55,478 --> 00:07:57,812
While hitting me with
a little reverse psychology.

206
00:07:57,880 --> 00:08:01,382
"Mitchell, America has taken
so much from the Vietnamese,

207
00:08:01,451 --> 00:08:04,185
do you really want to
snatch one of their children?"

208
00:08:04,833 --> 00:08:06,265
I do if you don't want me to!

209
00:08:06,334 --> 00:08:08,267
Oh, my God, 2004?!

210
00:08:08,336 --> 00:08:10,169
Th-That's a year into our relationship.

211
00:08:10,238 --> 00:08:13,172
"Oh, Cam, I hate to think of you
living all alone

212
00:08:13,241 --> 00:08:15,441
in that tiny apartment
with a broken ankle."

213
00:08:15,529 --> 00:08:17,696
And on the same day,
she's e-mailing you,

214
00:08:17,765 --> 00:08:20,199
"It's too soon to move in with someone.

215
00:08:20,267 --> 00:08:21,934
I strongly discourage it."

216
00:08:22,002 --> 00:08:23,635
Which is exactly why I did it.

217
00:08:23,704 --> 00:08:26,372
- And because you love me so much.
- And because we were in love.

218
00:08:26,440 --> 00:08:28,474
- Oh, my God.
- Mitchell.

219
00:08:28,542 --> 00:08:30,509
- She's everywhere.
- She is.

220
00:08:30,578 --> 00:08:33,779
Cam.

221
00:08:33,848 --> 00:08:35,581
I'm scared.

222
00:08:35,969 --> 00:08:37,869
Jay, you're abusing my editor.

223
00:08:37,938 --> 00:08:39,204
Wait, stop. Back it up.

224
00:08:39,273 --> 00:08:40,605
No, no. The movie's done.

225
00:08:40,674 --> 00:08:42,207
We can't keep arguing about this!

226
00:08:42,276 --> 00:08:43,542
Don't we both want to cut the sheriff?!

227
00:08:43,610 --> 00:08:45,043
Yes! He stinks on ice!

228
00:08:45,112 --> 00:08:47,379
But it hurts the story if we
don't stay on him long enough

229
00:08:47,448 --> 00:08:49,548
in the closet to see
the terror on his face!

230
00:08:49,616 --> 00:08:51,349
You just want to see the
Pritchett's Closets emblem

231
00:08:51,418 --> 00:08:52,551
next to his head!

232
00:08:52,619 --> 00:08:54,619
No, no, no, not again!

233
00:08:54,688 --> 00:08:57,823
The red carpet that
they sent me is orange,

234
00:08:57,891 --> 00:08:59,458
and they keep putting me on hold.

235
00:08:59,526 --> 00:09:03,194
I never thought that I could hate
hearing "She Bangs" over and over.

236
00:09:03,209 --> 00:09:04,209
- You didn't?
- Really?

237
00:09:04,277 --> 00:09:05,409
Manny, give me the movie.

238
00:09:05,478 --> 00:09:07,144
I need to make sure that
the projector is working

239
00:09:07,213 --> 00:09:08,512
and that the picture is good.

240
00:09:08,581 --> 00:09:09,980
Here, take it. It's done, anyway.

241
00:09:10,049 --> 00:09:11,949
I don't know what to do with this.

242
00:09:12,036 --> 00:09:13,636
I'm gonna need to borrow your nerd.

243
00:09:13,705 --> 00:09:15,738
And why don't you go
get me a tomato juice?

244
00:09:15,807 --> 00:09:18,174
Look, I know we've had
our creative differences,

245
00:09:18,242 --> 00:09:20,409
but I really think
we have a hit on our hands.

246
00:09:20,478 --> 00:09:21,777
I'm pretty proud of it, too.

247
00:09:21,846 --> 00:09:24,146
And a little nervous
to put it out there.

248
00:09:24,215 --> 00:09:26,582
'Cause you made the monster
just like Mom?

249
00:09:26,651 --> 00:09:28,818
- No, we didn't.
- What are you talking about?

250
00:09:28,886 --> 00:09:31,787
That noise.
It's what she says all the time.

251
00:09:33,925 --> 00:09:35,057
She's coming!

252
00:09:41,332 --> 00:09:44,866
Stella, no! Out, out! I'll kill you!

253
00:09:46,362 --> 00:09:47,627
How could this happen?!

254
00:09:47,696 --> 00:09:51,465
We spent weeks perfecting
the monster's trademark scream

255
00:09:51,533 --> 00:09:54,801
by combining a bunch
of unsettling noises.

256
00:09:54,870 --> 00:09:57,337
Horror movies are all about the sound.

257
00:09:57,406 --> 00:09:59,539
Particularly when your
special effects budget

258
00:09:59,608 --> 00:10:01,575
has been repurposed
for an on-set massage chair.

259
00:10:01,643 --> 00:10:03,910
Hey, you used it just as much as I did.

260
00:10:04,272 --> 00:10:06,439
So, our monster sounds like
your mother screaming?

261
00:10:06,508 --> 00:10:07,907
But we didn't know that
before we put it in, right?

262
00:10:07,976 --> 00:10:10,109
- No, of course not, we love her.
- To the moon.

263
00:10:10,178 --> 00:10:11,244
Maybe she won't notice.

264
00:10:11,312 --> 00:10:12,345
We better hope not.

265
00:10:12,414 --> 00:10:14,514
- It's your movie.
- It's your movie.

266
00:10:16,351 --> 00:10:18,184
She's asleep? How lucky.

267
00:10:18,253 --> 00:10:19,619
Kind of lucky.

268
00:10:19,688 --> 00:10:22,655
She said she was tired
and Haley gave her some... tea.

269
00:10:23,028 --> 00:10:24,761
What was in the tea?

270
00:10:24,830 --> 00:10:26,630
You want her asleep,
or you want to ask questions?

271
00:10:26,699 --> 00:10:27,699
Mom just pulled up!

272
00:10:27,766 --> 00:10:29,132
Quick, longest straw
goes first with her,

273
00:10:29,201 --> 00:10:31,134
then medium, then shortest.

274
00:10:31,203 --> 00:10:32,669
-Yes!
-Yes!

275
00:10:32,738 --> 00:10:35,439
- That's the short straw. You're last.
- Oh, damn it!

276
00:10:35,508 --> 00:10:37,407
I'm so used to a world
where the smallest size wins.

277
00:10:37,476 --> 00:10:39,877
This sucks, you guys are gonna
use up all of Mom's happy buzz.

278
00:10:39,945 --> 00:10:42,412
- Oh, there she is! She's here!
- Hurry!

279
00:10:45,238 --> 00:10:47,475
Cover her up so Mom can't see!

280
00:10:48,487 --> 00:10:51,255
- There she is!
- There's my beautiful family!

281
00:10:51,323 --> 00:10:54,124
- Hi, Mom.
- Hi, Mom.

282
00:10:54,193 --> 00:10:55,425
Wait, why are those shirts over there?

283
00:10:55,494 --> 00:10:57,094
Oh, sorry. We didn't finish the laundry.

284
00:10:57,162 --> 00:10:59,396
Oh, well, don't sweat it, handsome.

285
00:10:59,465 --> 00:11:01,665
Read a paper, we ain't got problems.

286
00:11:01,734 --> 00:11:04,835
So, Mom, we made you lunch,
but it's so pretty outside.

287
00:11:04,904 --> 00:11:06,003
Let's have a little picnic.

288
00:11:06,071 --> 00:11:08,105
Yeah, I love that idea. Fun in the sun.

289
00:11:08,173 --> 00:11:10,374
- Have some fun outdoors.
- Life is a picnic.

290
00:11:10,442 --> 00:11:12,109
I'm happy right here.

291
00:11:12,177 --> 00:11:13,644
Okay.

292
00:11:13,669 --> 00:11:16,122
Wow, this looks good.

293
00:11:16,930 --> 00:11:18,104
What?

294
00:11:18,172 --> 00:11:20,172
Oh, we're just so nervous
that we overdressed the salad.

295
00:11:20,241 --> 00:11:21,540
I can't even watch you taste it.

296
00:11:21,609 --> 00:11:23,109
Oh, please.

297
00:11:23,177 --> 00:11:26,312
Mmm.

298
00:11:26,381 --> 00:11:27,780
Honey, this is so good. What...

299
00:11:27,849 --> 00:11:30,082
Mom, I-I hate to have to ask you this,

300
00:11:30,151 --> 00:11:32,885
but would you mind if I missed
out on our Mother's Day trip?

301
00:11:32,954 --> 00:11:34,286
Oh, no, why?

302
00:11:34,355 --> 00:11:36,322
Well, Bill only gets
one weekend off a month,

303
00:11:36,391 --> 00:11:38,557
and he wants to take me
to the Grand Canyon.

304
00:11:38,626 --> 00:11:40,292
- On a motorcycle.
- What?!

305
00:11:40,361 --> 00:11:42,962
Phil, chill.

306
00:11:44,165 --> 00:11:48,267
Sweetie, as your mom,
I know I should say no,

307
00:11:48,335 --> 00:11:49,568
but let's face it,

308
00:11:49,637 --> 00:11:51,603
those books aren't
keeping you warm at night.

309
00:11:51,672 --> 00:11:53,705
Let's get some bugs in those teeth, huh?

310
00:11:53,774 --> 00:11:56,975
Mom, you are the best.
Thank you so much.

311
00:11:57,044 --> 00:11:59,444
That is so sweet.

312
00:11:59,513 --> 00:12:01,780
Weren't you just wearing jeans?

313
00:12:01,849 --> 00:12:05,684
No, I was not, and, Miss Dunphy,
my eyes are up here.

314
00:12:05,753 --> 00:12:07,719
Oh.

315
00:12:07,788 --> 00:12:08,887
What is that sound?

316
00:12:08,956 --> 00:12:10,289
- The house is settling.
- My stomach.

317
00:12:10,357 --> 00:12:12,391
Anyways, things are really good
at work, Mom.

318
00:12:12,459 --> 00:12:13,725
Haley's trying to cut.

319
00:12:13,794 --> 00:12:15,160
I finally realized
how much sacrifice it takes

320
00:12:15,229 --> 00:12:16,495
to have a career.

321
00:12:16,564 --> 00:12:18,263
You know, my boss, like,
she wants me to go with her

322
00:12:18,332 --> 00:12:19,498
- on this business trip.
- Mm-hmm.

323
00:12:19,567 --> 00:12:21,233
But it couldn't come at a worse weekend.

324
00:12:21,302 --> 00:12:23,101
Welcome to the struggle, sister.

325
00:12:23,170 --> 00:12:25,571
- The window's gonna close.
- Window? What... What window?

326
00:12:25,639 --> 00:12:27,372
Great news.
We moved the box in the garage.

327
00:12:27,441 --> 00:12:29,741
- The craziest thing happened...
-Talk about crazy things.

328
00:12:29,810 --> 00:12:31,143
You know how the Met Ball is in New York

329
00:12:31,212 --> 00:12:33,212
and how I weigh the same
as a medium-sized dog?

330
00:12:33,280 --> 00:12:34,613
Haley, the grownups are talking!

331
00:12:34,682 --> 00:12:36,281
Guys, guys, guys,
the knots are coming back.

332
00:12:36,350 --> 00:12:37,649
Mom, I'm bailing on our trip!

333
00:12:37,718 --> 00:12:39,384
I made Dad play and we flew
our drone into your face!

334
00:12:39,453 --> 00:12:41,954
A man named Nigel Pickles may
have our bank account numbers!

335
00:12:42,022 --> 00:12:44,089
- I'm gonna go.
- Stop!

336
00:12:44,692 --> 00:12:47,426
Sit down!

337
00:12:47,495 --> 00:12:50,262
Clearly, you all have
bad news to tell me.

338
00:12:50,331 --> 00:12:52,631
But do you have to dump it on me
when I'm in a good mood?

339
00:12:52,700 --> 00:12:56,034
Oh, my God, you did!
That's what the window is!

340
00:12:56,103 --> 00:12:59,004
The one hour a month when
I am a human to you people.

341
00:12:59,073 --> 00:13:00,172
Sometimes it's longer.

342
00:13:00,241 --> 00:13:01,707
Let me tell you something.

343
00:13:01,776 --> 00:13:03,408
You debutantes have it easy.

344
00:13:03,477 --> 00:13:05,711
You wouldn't have survived one day

345
00:13:05,780 --> 00:13:07,079
in the house where I grew up,

346
00:13:07,148 --> 00:13:10,516
where an actual crazy person
was running the show.

347
00:13:10,584 --> 00:13:13,018
- Um, Claire...
- The guilting, the shaming,

348
00:13:13,087 --> 00:13:15,053
the number of times I heard

349
00:13:15,122 --> 00:13:18,423
- "Where did I go wrong with you?"
- Where did I go wrong with you?

350
00:13:18,526 --> 00:13:20,258
- Mom.
- Mom, Nana's here.

351
00:13:20,332 --> 00:13:21,665
Yeah. I'm sorry.

352
00:13:21,733 --> 00:13:24,367
Save it. I know where I'm not wanted.

353
00:13:24,436 --> 00:13:26,603
And no, I'm not trying to guilt you.

354
00:13:26,672 --> 00:13:28,505
I can't waste the energy on that,

355
00:13:28,574 --> 00:13:30,874
as I am basically homeless

356
00:13:30,943 --> 00:13:34,077
now that my marriage has unraveled.

357
00:13:35,314 --> 00:13:37,180
- Claire...
- No!

358
00:13:37,249 --> 00:13:40,150
No! We are going to sit here in silence

359
00:13:40,219 --> 00:13:43,687
until it is my turn to storm out.

360
00:13:45,457 --> 00:13:47,324
No drinking!

361
00:13:47,392 --> 00:13:48,492
For you.

362
00:13:49,280 --> 00:13:51,612
If Mom starts to think
the monster sounds familiar,

363
00:13:51,681 --> 00:13:53,647
I say we tell her it's Stella barking.

364
00:13:53,715 --> 00:13:56,182
And hurt Stella's feelings? Think!

365
00:13:59,688 --> 00:14:01,287
Dede? What are you doing here?

366
00:14:01,356 --> 00:14:03,389
Our children are horrible.

367
00:14:03,457 --> 00:14:05,724
I'm sorry to barge in.

368
00:14:05,793 --> 00:14:08,260
Oh. Gloria's holding a soiree.

369
00:14:08,329 --> 00:14:10,229
I should go.

370
00:14:10,298 --> 00:14:12,431
You will do no such thing.

371
00:14:12,500 --> 00:14:14,567
You come with me, young lady.

372
00:14:14,635 --> 00:14:15,935
She was the perfect secret weapon.

373
00:14:16,003 --> 00:14:17,603
We send her upstairs to freshen up,

374
00:14:17,672 --> 00:14:20,239
just before the movie starts,
we drop the Dede bomb.

375
00:14:20,337 --> 00:14:22,204
Gloria's flustered, off her game,

376
00:14:22,273 --> 00:14:24,006
she doesn't even
pay attention to the film.

377
00:14:24,074 --> 00:14:25,540
You still got it.

378
00:14:25,609 --> 00:14:27,042
And to think I was worried last night

379
00:14:27,111 --> 00:14:28,877
when you kept trying to turn on
your phone flashlight

380
00:14:28,946 --> 00:14:32,247
and ended up taking 30 pictures
of your angry face.

381
00:14:32,723 --> 00:14:36,324
There they are,
my handsome movie makers.

382
00:14:37,337 --> 00:14:38,660
What are you wearing?

383
00:14:38,729 --> 00:14:40,495
What are you wearing?

384
00:14:40,564 --> 00:14:42,497
What are you wearing?

385
00:14:42,566 --> 00:14:43,665
Whatever I want.

386
00:14:43,734 --> 00:14:45,500
Okay, I just found out that my mother

387
00:14:45,569 --> 00:14:47,703
has been secretly controlling
every decision we've ever made,

388
00:14:47,771 --> 00:14:50,305
so we are taking our lives back.

389
00:14:50,347 --> 00:14:52,481
She thinks this color washes me
out. Well, guess what?

390
00:14:52,550 --> 00:14:54,683
- She was right?
- You match the carpet.

391
00:14:54,752 --> 00:14:56,251
Use more teeth when you talk,

392
00:14:56,320 --> 00:14:57,853
because I'm losing your whole face.

393
00:14:57,922 --> 00:14:59,221
Okay, pay them no never mind.

394
00:14:59,290 --> 00:15:00,889
Uh, she also implied 15 years ago

395
00:15:00,958 --> 00:15:03,892
that Cam's accent was trashy,
so that's also happening.

396
00:15:03,961 --> 00:15:05,294
Yep, and it came right back to me

397
00:15:05,362 --> 00:15:07,262
like a cheatin' husband on his rent day.

398
00:15:07,331 --> 00:15:09,398
Grab yourselves a drink.

399
00:15:10,465 --> 00:15:12,499
Sorry I'm late.

400
00:15:12,568 --> 00:15:15,202
What the hell? Does no one know what

401
00:15:15,270 --> 00:15:17,871
"upscale cocktail Hollywood
glamour fabulous" means?

402
00:15:17,940 --> 00:15:19,272
- Hello.
- Gloria.

403
00:15:19,341 --> 00:15:21,308
No, I don't. I'm sorry.
I had to run off some rage.

404
00:15:21,376 --> 00:15:24,611
Mitchell, you're a lawyer.
Can I divorce my whole family?

405
00:15:24,680 --> 00:15:27,247
Are you even facing me right now?

406
00:15:27,316 --> 00:15:30,650
Tarnation, here comes your kin!
Git! Git!

407
00:15:30,719 --> 00:15:32,385
Sorry, I'm still working on the balance.

408
00:15:32,454 --> 00:15:35,422
Oh, there's Mom.
Luke, turn your cute on.

409
00:15:36,692 --> 00:15:39,526
There's my Sheriff.

410
00:15:39,595 --> 00:15:41,661
Go. I want to take a picture
with the poster.

411
00:15:41,730 --> 00:15:43,463
I'm sorry, I'm not really in a place...

412
00:15:43,532 --> 00:15:45,832
Pose.

413
00:15:45,901 --> 00:15:47,500
Ow!

414
00:15:49,998 --> 00:15:53,206
Mitchell? Sorry, I didn't see you
against the carpet.

415
00:15:54,882 --> 00:15:57,583
Mommy?
Nope. Not cute anymore. You're 40.

416
00:15:57,652 --> 00:16:00,486
You know, forgiveness creates
a biochemical reaction that...

417
00:16:00,554 --> 00:16:02,121
Don't care. You're up.

418
00:16:05,092 --> 00:16:07,526
You're gone, aren't you?

419
00:16:07,595 --> 00:16:11,664
Okay, everybody, sit down.
It's time to watch the movie!

420
00:16:11,732 --> 00:16:12,931
Is Mom still at your house?

421
00:16:13,000 --> 00:16:15,334
Oh, no, she ran off all mad at me.

422
00:16:15,403 --> 00:16:16,502
I guess I'm not getting

423
00:16:16,570 --> 00:16:18,437
a recycled hemp Christmas card
this year.

424
00:16:18,506 --> 00:16:20,906
Well, Cam and I have a tiny bone
to pick with her, too,

425
00:16:20,975 --> 00:16:22,508
for controlling our entire lives.

426
00:16:22,576 --> 00:16:25,144
Not that it'll matter. We all
know what she's gonna say.

427
00:16:25,212 --> 00:16:27,979
- "Well, forgive me for caring."
- Well, forgive me for caring.

428
00:16:28,155 --> 00:16:30,655
- Are you kidding?!
- Look who dropped in.

429
00:16:30,854 --> 00:16:32,554
What a surprise.

430
00:16:32,622 --> 00:16:34,122
Let me get you a chair.

431
00:16:34,191 --> 00:16:36,758
Oh, don't bother.
Sitting's the new smoking.

432
00:16:36,827 --> 00:16:38,059
Mom, we need to talk.

433
00:16:38,128 --> 00:16:39,160
Oh, no, no.

434
00:16:39,229 --> 00:16:40,695
Just get in line, sweetie.

435
00:16:40,764 --> 00:16:43,865
Oh, shoot. Well, family first.
Let's reschedule the premiere.

436
00:16:43,934 --> 00:16:46,201
No. You will talk later.

437
00:16:46,269 --> 00:16:48,136
Nerd, the lights!

438
00:16:54,177 --> 00:16:56,277
Here comes the first test.

439
00:17:02,519 --> 00:17:05,919
I can't believe that
Dede is standing up.

440
00:17:05,953 --> 00:17:07,152
Worked like a charm.

441
00:17:07,221 --> 00:17:09,788
I don't know what was
more genius, bringing Dede in,

442
00:17:09,857 --> 00:17:12,291
or hooking the audience early
with some teenage sex.

443
00:17:12,360 --> 00:17:14,326
You were right to fight for that.

444
00:17:19,166 --> 00:17:20,466
This is my big scene.

445
00:17:20,534 --> 00:17:21,667
Big whoop.

446
00:17:21,736 --> 00:17:24,970
Everybody, stop!

447
00:17:25,039 --> 00:17:26,772
We're better than this.

448
00:17:28,755 --> 00:17:34,025
So let's just think about that!

449
00:17:34,835 --> 00:17:37,235
I don't know if
I was being oversensitive

450
00:17:37,304 --> 00:17:40,472
because of my situation with
Claire, but that editing stung.

451
00:17:40,541 --> 00:17:43,642
My huge speech, a fight with
the townspeople, all gone.

452
00:17:45,179 --> 00:17:47,412
I'll never forget you.

453
00:17:49,456 --> 00:17:50,456
_

454
00:17:50,567 --> 00:17:52,017
Bravo bravo!

455
00:17:52,086 --> 00:17:53,352
All right, then.

456
00:17:53,420 --> 00:17:56,254
- Yeah.
- Very nice.

457
00:17:56,323 --> 00:17:57,823
Fine filmmaking, Manuel.

458
00:17:57,891 --> 00:17:59,558
You really got to something visceral.

459
00:17:59,627 --> 00:18:01,727
I feel like I've met that monster.

460
00:18:01,795 --> 00:18:04,029
No, no, no. It's all fiction.
Now let's go eat.

461
00:18:04,098 --> 00:18:05,464
No, you know what, that scream

462
00:18:05,532 --> 00:18:07,299
actually sounded somehow familiar.

463
00:18:07,368 --> 00:18:08,834
- Yeah, it did, didn't it?
- Yeah.

464
00:18:08,929 --> 00:18:11,663
Stella, no! No!
Out, out, out! I'll kill you!

465
00:18:13,634 --> 00:18:15,234
Oh.

466
00:18:15,302 --> 00:18:16,535
What?

467
00:18:18,186 --> 00:18:21,220
You made me into your monster!

468
00:18:21,289 --> 00:18:22,348
Not on purpose.

469
00:18:22,357 --> 00:18:25,057
It's just a bunch of awful sounds
laid on top of each other.

470
00:18:25,187 --> 00:18:26,786
How is that better?

471
00:18:26,855 --> 00:18:29,556
- Well, at least you were in the film.
- Phil!

472
00:18:29,625 --> 00:18:31,558
Well, now that we've reached
the Q&A portion of the evening,

473
00:18:31,627 --> 00:18:34,828
I do have a question for Mom,
if that's okay with her.

474
00:18:34,897 --> 00:18:36,329
Or do you want to tell Cam
to tell me what to do

475
00:18:36,398 --> 00:18:38,265
and then use reverse psychology on me?

476
00:18:38,333 --> 00:18:40,233
Mitchell, if you want to
confront me about something,

477
00:18:40,302 --> 00:18:41,568
do it now.

478
00:18:41,637 --> 00:18:44,137
No, I'm... I'm gonna do it
when I want to do it.

479
00:18:44,206 --> 00:18:48,307
Well, anyway, you look lovely
in the salmon suit.

480
00:18:48,335 --> 00:18:49,634
Oh, you know what? You know what?

481
00:18:49,703 --> 00:18:51,370
Okay, well, how about this? Huh?

482
00:18:52,706 --> 00:18:54,106
- You realize what she just...
- I do realize now.

483
00:18:54,174 --> 00:18:55,507
Okay, you two are being ridiculous.

484
00:18:55,576 --> 00:18:57,209
And if I may come to Mom's
defense for just a moment...

485
00:18:57,276 --> 00:18:58,276
- Oh, yeah.
- What?!

486
00:18:58,345 --> 00:18:59,578
Yes! Yeah, uh-huh,

487
00:18:59,646 --> 00:19:02,881
and not just because I owe her
an apology, which I do.

488
00:19:02,997 --> 00:19:04,530
But, I mean, do you like your lives?

489
00:19:04,599 --> 00:19:06,432
Are you happy with
the way things turned out?

490
00:19:06,501 --> 00:19:07,600
Instead of blaming Mom

491
00:19:07,669 --> 00:19:09,368
for helping you make the right choices,

492
00:19:09,437 --> 00:19:11,404
how about thanking her?

493
00:19:11,473 --> 00:19:16,008
You know, it's not so easy to be
the one who always knows best.

494
00:19:16,077 --> 00:19:19,846
In fact, it can make you
a little tense sometimes.

495
00:19:20,381 --> 00:19:23,716
This amazing woman runs a company,

496
00:19:23,785 --> 00:19:25,017
she runs a family,

497
00:19:25,086 --> 00:19:28,054
and you don't show her any appreciation.

498
00:19:28,983 --> 00:19:30,883
Just like you two.

499
00:19:30,952 --> 00:19:33,553
I put you two together to do this movie

500
00:19:33,621 --> 00:19:36,189
and you turn me into
your devil creature.

501
00:19:36,257 --> 00:19:37,523
What do you mean you put us together?

502
00:19:37,592 --> 00:19:39,892
I left Manny's script out
so that you would see it

503
00:19:39,961 --> 00:19:41,060
and you would get involved.

504
00:19:41,129 --> 00:19:43,663
I knew that this movie
was not going to be good

505
00:19:43,731 --> 00:19:46,866
unless I would take his artsy weirdness

506
00:19:46,935 --> 00:19:48,968
and balance it with your low-brow,

507
00:19:49,037 --> 00:19:51,170
couch-tomato sensibility.

508
00:19:51,239 --> 00:19:53,706
And that's why it was so great.

509
00:19:53,775 --> 00:19:55,474
Gloria, I know what you put up with.

510
00:19:55,543 --> 00:19:57,410
I-I was married to Jay.

511
00:19:57,478 --> 00:19:59,779
You are a saint to stick around.

512
00:19:59,848 --> 00:20:01,447
Especially with that bosom,

513
00:20:01,516 --> 00:20:03,816
- you could get any guy in town.
- Mm-hmm.

514
00:20:03,885 --> 00:20:08,020
So, unfortunately,
this is what families do...

515
00:20:08,089 --> 00:20:10,456
they turn mothers into monsters.

516
00:20:10,525 --> 00:20:11,891
- Mom, that's not fair.
- That's not what we're doing.

517
00:20:15,181 --> 00:20:18,182
Everybody stop!

518
00:20:18,251 --> 00:20:19,817
We're better than this.

519
00:20:19,886 --> 00:20:23,354
What are monsters,
but pure, beautiful creatures

520
00:20:23,423 --> 00:20:25,289
we project our fears onto?

521
00:20:25,358 --> 00:20:27,124
And are they even scary,

522
00:20:27,193 --> 00:20:28,859
or are we just too terrified
to look inside

523
00:20:28,928 --> 00:20:31,395
and see the ugliness
and inadequacies in ourselves?

524
00:20:33,032 --> 00:20:35,299
So...

525
00:20:35,368 --> 00:20:37,868
let's just think about that.

526
00:20:37,937 --> 00:20:39,336
Thank you, Phil.

527
00:20:39,405 --> 00:20:40,971
- That's a nice start.
- He's right.

528
00:20:41,040 --> 00:20:42,973
- You're not a monster.
- Mom, we're sorry.

529
00:20:43,042 --> 00:20:44,742
We love you, sweetheart.

530
00:20:45,211 --> 00:20:47,744
If Phil had been half that good
when we were rollin',

531
00:20:47,813 --> 00:20:48,912
we never would've cut that speech.

532
00:20:48,981 --> 00:20:50,214
He finally just trusted the words.

533
00:20:51,368 --> 00:20:54,609
Everybody stop. Oh. I'm stuck.

534
00:20:54,644 --> 00:20:57,905
- Is... Is this props or wardrobe?
- Cut!

535
00:20:58,476 --> 00:21:00,890
Stop! Everybody, I can't stop!

536
00:21:01,487 --> 00:21:04,086
Everybody... Line?

537
00:21:04,111 --> 00:21:07,388
Everybody stop! We're better than this!

538
00:21:07,413 --> 00:21:10,348
- That's a cut!
- I'm sorry, guys, I'm not hearing it.

539
00:21:10,373 --> 00:21:13,655
Oh actually I'm at work, do you think
I could send you a picture of the rash?

540
00:21:13,680 --> 00:21:15,881
- Damn it Phil, you're in the shot!
- Oh, oh!

541
00:21:17,793 --> 00:21:19,879
Scoot!

542
00:21:19,904 --> 00:21:24,904
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