1
00:00:01,373 --> 00:00:04,681
? It seems today that all you see ?

2
00:00:04,682 --> 00:00:08,121
? Is violence in movies and sex on TV ?

3
00:00:08,156 --> 00:00:11,691
? But where are those
good old-fashioned values ?

4
00:00:11,726 --> 00:00:14,694
? On which we used to rely? ?

5
00:00:14,729 --> 00:00:18,197
? Lucky there's a family guy ?

6
00:00:18,233 --> 00:00:21,501
? Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ?

7
00:00:21,536 --> 00:00:23,069
? All the things that make us ?

8
00:00:23,104 --> 00:00:24,437
? Laugh and cry ?

9
00:00:24,472 --> 00:00:30,043
? He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ?

10
00:00:30,044 --> 00:00:31,322
- Synced and corrected by AlexandreMT -
- www.addic7ed.com -

11
00:00:31,323 --> 00:00:32,779
Hi, I'm Peter Griffin,

12
00:00:32,814 --> 00:00:35,314
and I'm here at
The Museum of Television & Radio

13
00:00:35,350 --> 00:00:37,083
to commemorate Family Guy

14
00:00:37,118 --> 00:00:40,153
becoming the longest-running
show in television history.

15
00:00:40,188 --> 00:00:45,625
For 60 years, Sunday has meant
God, football and Family Guy.

16
00:00:45,660 --> 00:00:48,327
And later, to a lesser degree,
The Simpsons.

17
00:00:48,363 --> 00:00:51,230
Premiering in 1952 as a recurring sketch

18
00:00:51,266 --> 00:00:53,633
in the popular Dow Chemical Follies,

19
00:00:53,668 --> 00:00:56,469
Family Guy has survived
19 cancellations,

20
00:00:56,504 --> 00:00:58,104
two assassination attempts,

21
00:00:58,139 --> 00:01:00,740
and a pretty good ribbing
by those South Park guys.

22
00:01:00,775 --> 00:01:03,443
Well, tonight we take
a look back at classic episodes

23
00:01:03,478 --> 00:01:05,511
from our first three decades.

24
00:01:05,547 --> 00:01:07,180
Uhp, here come some tourists.

25
00:01:07,215 --> 00:01:10,983
I know, I'll sit here
and pretend I'm a wax figure.

26
00:01:11,019 --> 00:01:12,618
Who is that?

27
00:01:12,654 --> 00:01:15,054
That's the fat idiot from
The Family Guy.

28
00:01:15,090 --> 00:01:17,857
- Ugh. I hate that show.
- Me, too.

29
00:01:24,432 --> 00:01:26,332
- (BELL RINGS)
- ANNOUNCER: Raleigh Kids Cigarettes

30
00:01:26,367 --> 00:01:28,768
is happy to bring you Family Guy,

31
00:01:28,803 --> 00:01:32,238
the story of an American family
named the Griffins.

32
00:01:32,273 --> 00:01:34,107
- This is Peter,
- (LIGHT ORCHESTRA MUSIC PLAYING)

33
00:01:34,142 --> 00:01:36,042
breadwinner and head of household.

34
00:01:36,077 --> 00:01:38,578
Lois is the name of his wife.

35
00:01:38,613 --> 00:01:40,313
These are their children.

36
00:01:40,348 --> 00:01:43,015
This is Chris, the firstborn son.

37
00:01:43,051 --> 00:01:46,586
This is little Stewie.
Oh, boy, he's a handful.

38
00:01:46,621 --> 00:01:48,087
Meg.

39
00:01:48,123 --> 00:01:51,324
And introducing Doodles Weaver
as Brian the Dog.

40
00:01:53,328 --> 00:01:55,962
We don't trust just any
cigarette for our children.

41
00:01:55,997 --> 00:01:59,232
Raleigh Kids is the only
cigarette made for tiny hands.

42
00:01:59,267 --> 00:02:02,235
It's why it's the playground
favorite. Right, kids?

43
00:02:02,270 --> 00:02:04,904
(LAUGHING)

44
00:02:04,939 --> 00:02:06,339
ANNOUNCER: And now, Raleigh Kids,

45
00:02:06,374 --> 00:02:08,508
also the makers of Kinder Coffee,

46
00:02:08,543 --> 00:02:11,244
invites you to watch Family Guy.

47
00:02:12,480 --> 00:02:15,781
Dad, I overheard the fellas talking.

48
00:02:15,817 --> 00:02:17,817
Can I ask you a question about girls?

49
00:02:17,852 --> 00:02:19,785
Of course, son. You're a young man now.

50
00:02:19,821 --> 00:02:21,254
It's natural to be curious.

51
00:02:21,289 --> 00:02:22,655
Thanks, Pop.

52
00:02:22,690 --> 00:02:24,624
What's "knuckle-dunk"?

53
00:02:24,659 --> 00:02:26,225
- (SIREN BLARES)
- Uhp, atomic test.

54
00:02:26,261 --> 00:02:27,760
Put on your glasses.

55
00:02:27,795 --> 00:02:29,562
Never mind what your friends said.

56
00:02:29,597 --> 00:02:32,298
If you want to have fun
with your girl, try dancing.

57
00:02:32,333 --> 00:02:34,200
It's fun and good for your health.

58
00:02:34,235 --> 00:02:36,202
(EXPLOSION)

59
00:02:36,237 --> 00:02:37,937
(CHUCKLES) Swell, that's helpful.

60
00:02:37,972 --> 00:02:39,839
So, what's going on if a guy says

61
00:02:39,874 --> 00:02:42,842
a girl "has a red scare
in her Harry Truman"?

62
00:02:42,877 --> 00:02:44,877
- Fence.
- (WIND GUSTING)

63
00:02:50,418 --> 00:02:52,418
Oh, look, here comes the milkman.

64
00:02:55,857 --> 00:02:57,924
So convenient.

65
00:02:57,959 --> 00:02:59,192
TOM TUCKER: Good evening, everyone.

66
00:02:59,227 --> 00:03:02,094
I'm Tom Tucker,
and this is the Radio 5 news.

67
00:03:02,130 --> 00:03:04,964
Our top story this evening,
songsmith Elvis Presley

68
00:03:04,999 --> 00:03:07,633
will be appearing on The Ed
Sullivan Show this Sunday night

69
00:03:07,669 --> 00:03:10,503
on that never-gonna-last fad
called television.

70
00:03:10,538 --> 00:03:14,106
And now a word from our sponsor:
Fred Trump Apartments.

71
00:03:14,142 --> 00:03:17,243
If you don't want to live
with blacks, Fred Trump.

72
00:03:17,278 --> 00:03:21,180
Wow, Elvis Presley!
Can we get a television set?

73
00:03:21,216 --> 00:03:22,915
Sorry, Chris, we don't got the money.

74
00:03:22,951 --> 00:03:24,417
I spent our entire savings

75
00:03:24,452 --> 00:03:27,053
building that stupid fallout
shelter we never get to use.

76
00:03:27,088 --> 00:03:28,387
(EXPLOSION)

77
00:03:28,423 --> 00:03:30,289
Why don't you just buy a TV
for the weekend,

78
00:03:30,325 --> 00:03:31,657
- watch Elvis,
- (MAN SCREAMING OUTSIDE)

79
00:03:31,693 --> 00:03:33,626
and then return it on Monday
and say it doesn't work?

80
00:03:33,661 --> 00:03:35,628
Boy, even in the '50s, you're a scumbag.

81
00:03:35,663 --> 00:03:38,264
- That's a great idea, boy!
- Hang on.

82
00:03:38,299 --> 00:03:41,100
Why don't I just get a job
to help pay for it?

83
00:03:41,135 --> 00:03:43,469
What? No wife of mine is working.

84
00:03:43,504 --> 00:03:45,538
There's underpants in this house
that need starching.

85
00:03:45,573 --> 00:03:47,773
I don't want to go to work
in soft underpants

86
00:03:47,809 --> 00:03:50,810
like some Nancy boy;
I want to go to work like this.

87
00:03:53,548 --> 00:03:56,315
Stiff as a plate. That's underpants.

88
00:04:01,356 --> 00:04:04,423
We got some time before Elvis.
Can we see what else is on?

89
00:04:04,459 --> 00:04:05,992
- Sure thing.
- (TV STATIC HISSES)

90
00:04:06,027 --> 00:04:09,495
ANNOUNCER:
We now return to 1950s sci-fi,

91
00:04:09,530 --> 00:04:12,798
which is always a man in a
silver suit battling a monster.

92
00:04:12,834 --> 00:04:14,533
Leave us humans alone.

93
00:04:14,569 --> 00:04:18,271
It's 1994,
and the moon belongs to Earth.

94
00:04:18,306 --> 00:04:21,474
(DRAMATIC ORCHESTRA MUSIC PLAYING)

95
00:04:21,509 --> 00:04:23,009
Rawr.

96
00:04:27,248 --> 00:04:29,949
(WARBLING SOUND EFFECTS)

97
00:04:29,984 --> 00:04:31,884
It's safe now.

98
00:04:31,919 --> 00:04:34,587
How's the soil, Professor Knockers?

99
00:04:34,622 --> 00:04:35,788
It's good.

100
00:04:35,823 --> 00:04:39,025
Good. Good.

101
00:04:39,060 --> 00:04:42,795
Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker,
previously of Radio 5 news.

102
00:04:42,830 --> 00:04:44,897
Tonight, I bring you a special report.

103
00:04:44,932 --> 00:04:47,933
Women in the workplace:
hilarious or disturbing?

104
00:04:47,969 --> 00:04:49,969
? ?

105
00:04:52,006 --> 00:04:55,341
(STILTED): I am a 1950s man

106
00:04:55,376 --> 00:04:57,543
speaking in a stilted manner,

107
00:04:57,578 --> 00:05:01,280
seemingly with
no self-awareness whatsoever.

108
00:05:01,316 --> 00:05:05,184
(LOUDLY): I am shouting for some reason

109
00:05:05,219 --> 00:05:10,189
and will now suddenly be
replaced by crude graphics.

110
00:05:10,224 --> 00:05:12,958
- (FILM PROJECTOR RATTLING)
- (DESCENDING WHISTLE)

111
00:05:12,994 --> 00:05:14,860
(EXPLOSION)

112
00:05:14,896 --> 00:05:18,864
(STILTED): This factory
has been beset by women.

113
00:05:18,900 --> 00:05:21,200
Is your factory next?

114
00:05:21,235 --> 00:05:23,202
(DRAMATIC ORCHESTRA MUSIC PLAYING)

115
00:05:25,573 --> 00:05:28,240
Lois, that's you! You took a job?

116
00:05:28,276 --> 00:05:30,176
Sorry, Peter. I wanted to tell you,

117
00:05:30,211 --> 00:05:32,111
but you were so dead set against it.

118
00:05:32,146 --> 00:05:33,512
Damn right I'm against it!

119
00:05:33,548 --> 00:05:35,548
If God wanted women in the workplace,

120
00:05:35,583 --> 00:05:37,116
he'd have made them alcoholics.

121
00:05:37,151 --> 00:05:38,851
Now, you're quitting that job tomorrow.

122
00:05:38,886 --> 00:05:41,620
- No, I'm not.
- Quiet. Elvis is on.

123
00:05:41,656 --> 00:05:44,590
ED SULLIVAN: Ladies and
gentlemen, Elvis Presley.

124
00:05:44,625 --> 00:05:46,926
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

125
00:05:46,961 --> 00:05:49,929
- Huh?
- What?! Elvis Presley is white?

126
00:05:49,964 --> 00:05:51,597
Cleveland, did you know about this?

127
00:05:51,632 --> 00:05:54,567
Come on, Donna, let's pick up
some gizzards and fried skins

128
00:05:54,602 --> 00:05:56,502
and head on down to the juke joint.

129
00:05:56,537 --> 00:05:58,804
Tonight it's gonna be jumpin'!

130
00:05:58,840 --> 00:06:00,573
(LIVELY JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

131
00:06:00,608 --> 00:06:03,743
PETER: And it was jumpin'.
It really was.

132
00:06:03,778 --> 00:06:05,578
But I was banished to the sidewalk

133
00:06:05,613 --> 00:06:09,448
because I called one of
the band guys a bad name.

134
00:06:09,484 --> 00:06:11,951
(CRICKETS CHIRPING)

135
00:06:11,986 --> 00:06:15,321
I thought you were bringing the TV back.

136
00:06:15,356 --> 00:06:17,623
I changed my mind. This TV is awesome!

137
00:06:17,658 --> 00:06:19,291
I've been watching it all day.

138
00:06:19,327 --> 00:06:21,727
You can keep your job
so we can afford this thing.

139
00:06:21,763 --> 00:06:25,030
- Oh, that's great news, Peter.
- You know, Lois, I had an idea.

140
00:06:25,066 --> 00:06:27,867
Instead of eating
in another room and talking,

141
00:06:27,902 --> 00:06:31,203
what if we bring the food
out here and never talk again?

142
00:06:31,239 --> 00:06:34,306
- That's a great idea.
- Shh.

143
00:06:38,646 --> 00:06:41,280
ANNOUNCER: Are you looking for
the perfect breakfast meal?

144
00:06:41,315 --> 00:06:44,250
Try Post Raisin Bran, made with raisins,

145
00:06:44,285 --> 00:06:46,619
which are grapes
that have been dried in the sun

146
00:06:46,654 --> 00:06:48,587
for a long period of time;

147
00:06:48,623 --> 00:06:52,491
and bran, the hard outer layers
of cereal grain.

148
00:06:52,527 --> 00:06:56,796
Along with germ, it is an
integral part of whole grains.

149
00:06:56,831 --> 00:06:59,432
When you eat Raisin Bran,
it fills your stomach

150
00:06:59,467 --> 00:07:02,168
and keeps you from feeling
the sensation of hunger.

151
00:07:02,203 --> 00:07:04,336
"Hunger" being pangs in the belly

152
00:07:04,372 --> 00:07:06,572
as a result of lack of nourishment,

153
00:07:06,607 --> 00:07:09,375
thereby sending signals
to your brain telling you,

154
00:07:09,410 --> 00:07:11,143
"Hey, I'm hungry."

155
00:07:11,179 --> 00:07:13,979
And when you hear Mr. "Hey, I'm Hungry,"

156
00:07:14,015 --> 00:07:17,416
be sure to have a hearty bowl
of Post Raisin Bran.

157
00:07:17,452 --> 00:07:20,419
Again, made with raisins,
which are grapes

158
00:07:20,455 --> 00:07:23,422
that have been dried in the sun
for a long period of time;

159
00:07:23,458 --> 00:07:26,992
and bran, the hard outer layers
of cereal grain.

160
00:07:27,028 --> 00:07:30,996
Along with germ, it is an
integral part of whole grains.

161
00:07:31,032 --> 00:07:32,965
(LIGHT JINGLE PLAYING)

162
00:07:33,000 --> 00:07:36,368
? Post Raisin Bran ?

163
00:07:36,404 --> 00:07:39,305
? Made with raisins, which are
grapes that have been dried ?

164
00:07:39,340 --> 00:07:44,410
? In the sun for a long period of time ?

165
00:07:44,445 --> 00:07:46,712
? And bran ?

166
00:07:46,747 --> 00:07:50,683
? The hard outer layers
of cereal grain ?

167
00:07:50,718 --> 00:07:52,418
? Along with germ ?

168
00:07:52,453 --> 00:07:56,856
? It is an integral part
of whole grains ?

169
00:07:56,891 --> 00:08:00,693
? Post Raisin Bran. ?

170
00:08:00,728 --> 00:08:02,995
Boy, these commercials go by fast.

171
00:08:03,030 --> 00:08:05,231
You can barely absorb any of it.

172
00:08:05,266 --> 00:08:07,199
(SIGHS) I don't know
how you do it, Peter.

173
00:08:07,235 --> 00:08:08,334
Can we get some Raisin Bran?

174
00:08:08,369 --> 00:08:10,035
Do we have any Raisin Bran in the house?

175
00:08:10,071 --> 00:08:13,706
Just working day after day, I'm
exhausted, and I miss my family.

176
00:08:13,741 --> 00:08:15,307
It's made with raisins, which are grapes

177
00:08:15,343 --> 00:08:18,143
that have been dried in the sun
for a long period of time.

178
00:08:18,179 --> 00:08:20,346
I gave my notice,
and tomorrow's my last day.

179
00:08:20,381 --> 00:08:22,681
So I guess we have to get rid of the TV.

180
00:08:22,717 --> 00:08:24,183
By the way, Chris and Raisin Bran

181
00:08:24,218 --> 00:08:26,252
are at Raisin Bran practice.

182
00:08:29,223 --> 00:08:32,424
- Peter, I got a surprise for you.
- Raisin Bran?

183
00:08:32,460 --> 00:08:33,926
A television?

184
00:08:33,961 --> 00:08:35,895
We can't afford this; you quit your job.

185
00:08:35,930 --> 00:08:38,030
This is what we were making on the line.

186
00:08:38,065 --> 00:08:41,333
The only reason I wanted to work
was to make this for you.

187
00:08:41,369 --> 00:08:44,737
Oh, Lois, you're the greatest.

188
00:08:47,241 --> 00:08:50,209
(PETER GROANS)

189
00:08:50,244 --> 00:08:54,213
I guess this is why
women shouldn't work. (LAUGHS)

190
00:08:54,248 --> 00:08:56,382
To the moon, Lois!

191
00:08:56,417 --> 00:08:58,651
"To the moon"? Wh-What does that mean?

192
00:08:58,686 --> 00:09:00,519
You know, "to-to the moon."

193
00:09:00,555 --> 00:09:02,555
Okay, you're threatening
to punch me so hard

194
00:09:02,590 --> 00:09:04,189
I'm gonna fly to the moon?

195
00:09:04,225 --> 00:09:07,326
Like-like it's funny
to hit me so violently

196
00:09:07,361 --> 00:09:10,162
my body will fly out of the atmosphere?

197
00:09:12,166 --> 00:09:14,166
Well, it's not funny anymore.

198
00:09:21,843 --> 00:09:24,711
? Hi, I'm Peter ?

199
00:09:24,746 --> 00:09:26,946
? This is Lois ?

200
00:09:26,981 --> 00:09:30,383
? My sons Stewie and Chris ?

201
00:09:30,418 --> 00:09:33,519
? Our dog Brian, and the rest is this ?

202
00:09:35,523 --> 00:09:38,791
? We live in Quahog, near the beach ?

203
00:09:38,827 --> 00:09:42,361
? A wizard gave my baby
the power of speech ?

204
00:09:42,397 --> 00:09:45,732
? No one can hear him,
but when he's away ?

205
00:09:45,767 --> 00:09:48,935
? People in town can hear what he says ?

206
00:09:50,939 --> 00:09:53,439
? This is Family Guy. ?

207
00:09:53,475 --> 00:09:55,842
The dog talks, too!

208
00:09:59,914 --> 00:10:01,347
Good morning, family.

209
00:10:01,382 --> 00:10:04,117
I'll have my regular breakfast
and the newspaper, please.

210
00:10:04,152 --> 00:10:06,786
Okay, here's your highball,
a grapefruit,

211
00:10:06,821 --> 00:10:08,955
and our one weird serrated spoon.

212
00:10:08,990 --> 00:10:12,859
- And Raisin Bran?
- (SIGHS) Yes.

213
00:10:12,894 --> 00:10:15,928
But sorry, there's no newspaper.
Chris quit his paper route.

214
00:10:15,964 --> 00:10:18,564
- What?
- Aw, jobs are for bozos.

215
00:10:18,600 --> 00:10:20,466
Besides, I won't be around to work.

216
00:10:20,502 --> 00:10:23,569
Me and my pals are going to
Woodstock to smoke dope.

217
00:10:23,605 --> 00:10:27,373
No, you are not!
Chris Griffin, you are grounded.

218
00:10:27,408 --> 00:10:28,975
Oh, I hate you!

219
00:10:29,010 --> 00:10:31,778
Now I'll never get to see Sha Na Na!

220
00:10:31,813 --> 00:10:34,981
(DOORBELL RINGS)

221
00:10:35,016 --> 00:10:38,117
Hello. I just moved in down the block.

222
00:10:38,153 --> 00:10:41,220
My name's Herbert, not Roy Mitchell.

223
00:10:41,256 --> 00:10:44,924
So, if you see news reports
about a Roy Mitchell

224
00:10:44,959 --> 00:10:49,228
from three towns over who was
accused of all sorts of nonsense

225
00:10:49,264 --> 00:10:52,832
and left in a hurry,
it's got nothing to do with me,

226
00:10:52,867 --> 00:10:55,768
because, again, I'm...

227
00:10:55,804 --> 00:10:57,570
Herbert.

228
00:11:01,209 --> 00:11:04,343
Mom, Dad, Chris is gone!
He went to Woodstock.

229
00:11:04,379 --> 00:11:06,345
Now, Meg, nobody likes a snitch.

230
00:11:06,381 --> 00:11:08,781
I'm not a snitch,
I just tell it like it is.

231
00:11:08,817 --> 00:11:10,016
Damn it, Meg!

232
00:11:10,051 --> 00:11:12,351
Excuse me, Peter,
maybe I should handle this.

233
00:11:12,387 --> 00:11:14,353
- Mr. Brady?
- You know, Meg,

234
00:11:14,389 --> 00:11:16,989
when you tattle on someone,
you're not just telling on them,

235
00:11:17,025 --> 00:11:18,591
you're telling on yourself.

236
00:11:18,626 --> 00:11:21,427
And by tattling on someone,
you're really just telling them,

237
00:11:21,462 --> 00:11:22,995
"I'm a tattletale."

238
00:11:23,031 --> 00:11:25,531
Now, is that the tale you want to tell?

239
00:11:25,567 --> 00:11:28,568
- I never thought of it that way.
- Thanks, Mr. Brady.

240
00:11:28,603 --> 00:11:30,436
That's right. Mike Brady.

241
00:11:30,471 --> 00:11:34,040
So, if you see any news reports
about an actor named Robert Reed

242
00:11:34,075 --> 00:11:37,577
from three towns over who was
accused of all sorts of nonsense

243
00:11:37,612 --> 00:11:40,479
and left in a hurry,
it's got nothing to do with me,

244
00:11:40,515 --> 00:11:43,416
because, again, I'm...

245
00:11:43,451 --> 00:11:44,917
Mike Brady.

246
00:11:44,953 --> 00:11:46,452
Chris went to Woodstock?

247
00:11:46,487 --> 00:11:48,321
I got to get there and bring him back

248
00:11:48,356 --> 00:11:49,922
before something bad happens.

249
00:12:10,411 --> 00:12:13,946
Honey, I'm taking the compact;
save a little on gas.

250
00:12:13,982 --> 00:12:15,481
(ENGINE STARTS)

251
00:12:28,096 --> 00:12:30,429
Cars are bigger back now.

252
00:12:32,634 --> 00:12:34,634
? ?

253
00:12:38,806 --> 00:12:40,773
Oh, no, my dad!

254
00:12:40,808 --> 00:12:42,375
PETER (IN DISTANCE): Chris!

255
00:12:42,410 --> 00:12:45,611
He'll be here in ten minutes.
I got to hide!

256
00:12:47,815 --> 00:12:50,950
- Chris!
- Dad, what are you doing here?

257
00:12:50,985 --> 00:12:54,086
- I'm here to bring you home.
- Well, I'm not going.

258
00:12:54,122 --> 00:12:56,489
I'm staying here and smoking dope.

259
00:12:56,524 --> 00:12:59,492
What? No son of mine
is gonna be smoking dope.

260
00:12:59,527 --> 00:13:03,562
Why not, Dad? Is it any worse
than your three martini lunch?

261
00:13:03,598 --> 00:13:05,231
What?! No son of mine

262
00:13:05,266 --> 00:13:07,199
is gonna be drinking
a three martini lunch.

263
00:13:07,235 --> 00:13:10,836
Why not, Dad? Is it any worse
than your five Scotch breakfast?

264
00:13:10,872 --> 00:13:12,538
What?! No son of mine

265
00:13:12,573 --> 00:13:14,674
is gonna be drinking
a five Scotch breakfast.

266
00:13:14,709 --> 00:13:16,609
Why not, Dad? Is it any worse than

267
00:13:16,644 --> 00:13:20,046
your "three X's drawn on
the jug" corn whiskey moonshine?

268
00:13:20,081 --> 00:13:23,616
What?! No son of mine
drink anything but rice wine.

269
00:13:23,651 --> 00:13:27,520
That's right, we trace
our early family roots to Asia.

270
00:13:27,555 --> 00:13:30,189
Listen, Chris,
your mother and I love you.

271
00:13:30,224 --> 00:13:32,858
We just want you to stay a kid
a little bit longer.

272
00:13:32,894 --> 00:13:36,462
- You understand?
- Um, y-yeah.

273
00:13:36,497 --> 00:13:38,965
I'm glad. 'Cause the thing is, Chris,

274
00:13:39,000 --> 00:13:41,734
drugs turn you into someone you're not.

275
00:13:41,769 --> 00:13:44,904
But you know what?
We love you just how you are.

276
00:13:44,939 --> 00:13:47,840
That's why I'm so grateful I got
here before you dropped acid

277
00:13:47,875 --> 00:13:49,675
or took any kind of drugs that...

278
00:13:49,711 --> 00:13:51,911
Y-You're trippin' right now, aren't you?

279
00:13:51,946 --> 00:13:54,513
- A little.
- All right.

280
00:13:54,549 --> 00:13:56,983
Hey, why is Pete Townshend
taking pictures of you?

281
00:13:57,018 --> 00:13:59,151
He's been doing that all day long.

282
00:13:59,187 --> 00:14:00,886
PETE TOWNSHEND: It's for a book.

283
00:14:00,922 --> 00:14:02,822
I don't think it's for a book.

284
00:14:06,861 --> 00:14:10,229
Okay, I'm off to do my paper route.

285
00:14:10,264 --> 00:14:11,964
Wow, Peter, your plan worked

286
00:14:12,000 --> 00:14:13,966
to show Chris how horrible drugs are.

287
00:14:14,002 --> 00:14:15,968
Quiet, Lois, I'm trying to watch TV.

288
00:14:16,004 --> 00:14:18,204
NEIL ARMSTRONG: That's one small step...

289
00:14:18,239 --> 00:14:20,573
ED SULLIVAN: Ladies and
gentlemen, the Beatles.

290
00:14:20,608 --> 00:14:22,475
WALTER CRONKITE: The flash now official,

291
00:14:22,510 --> 00:14:24,810
President Kennedy has been killed.

292
00:14:24,846 --> 00:14:26,312
God, there's nothing on.

293
00:14:26,347 --> 00:14:28,581
SINGERS: ? Just sit right back
and you'll hear a tale ?

294
00:14:28,616 --> 00:14:30,683
- There we go.
- ? A tale of a fateful trip... ?

295
00:14:37,294 --> 00:14:39,294
(SOMBER CLARINET MUSIC PLAYING)

296
00:15:02,619 --> 00:15:05,920
(TOY VACUUM RATTLING)

297
00:15:05,956 --> 00:15:09,391
Lois, why is my son playing
with a vacuum like a girl?

298
00:15:09,426 --> 00:15:11,192
Here, play with this discus and javelin.

299
00:15:11,228 --> 00:15:13,161
Then you can grow up like a man,

300
00:15:13,196 --> 00:15:15,430
like track and field star Bruce Jenner,

301
00:15:15,465 --> 00:15:17,432
the greatest man in the world.

302
00:15:17,467 --> 00:15:19,668
Maybe you'll even end up
on a box of Wheaties.

303
00:15:19,703 --> 00:15:22,370
Didn't these used to have nuts in 'em?

304
00:15:23,740 --> 00:15:26,708
Chris, I see in the paper
that Vietnam is still going on,

305
00:15:26,743 --> 00:15:30,045
and as a blue collar TV dad,
I demand you enlist.

306
00:15:30,080 --> 00:15:31,880
Peter, you can't send Chris to Vietnam.

307
00:15:31,915 --> 00:15:33,348
They're bombing women and children.

308
00:15:33,383 --> 00:15:35,383
You have no idea
how bad it is over there.

309
00:15:35,419 --> 00:15:37,852
I don't? Oh, I know war, my friend.

310
00:15:37,888 --> 00:15:40,155
I stormed the beaches at Normandy.

311
00:15:40,190 --> 00:15:41,956
(YELLING)

312
00:15:41,992 --> 00:15:43,758
Of course, it was 1958,

313
00:15:43,794 --> 00:15:45,927
so the resistance wasn't quite as stiff.

314
00:15:45,962 --> 00:15:48,330
- (WHISTLE BLOWS)
- No running.

315
00:15:48,365 --> 00:15:49,664
I said no running!

316
00:15:49,700 --> 00:15:52,167
I'm not running!

317
00:15:52,202 --> 00:15:54,436
Chris, you are going to Vietnam
and doing your duty,

318
00:15:54,471 --> 00:15:55,770
like Quagmire did.

319
00:15:55,806 --> 00:15:57,739
As a matter of fact, his tour just ended

320
00:15:57,774 --> 00:15:59,474
and his transport
should be getting in soon.

321
00:15:59,509 --> 00:16:01,009
So let's head down to the airfield

322
00:16:01,044 --> 00:16:03,745
and give our soldiers
the respect they deserve.

323
00:16:08,018 --> 00:16:10,352
Welcome home, Quagmire! (SPITS)

324
00:16:10,387 --> 00:16:13,288
Oh, good to see you
back safely, Glenn. (SPITS)

325
00:16:13,323 --> 00:16:15,623
- Murderer!
- Hey, show some respect.

326
00:16:15,659 --> 00:16:17,025
Sorry. (SPITS)

327
00:16:17,060 --> 00:16:19,027
Oh, I left my carry-on
back on the plane.

328
00:16:19,062 --> 00:16:20,362
All right, when he comes back,

329
00:16:20,397 --> 00:16:22,097
we got to make him feel welcome again.

330
00:16:22,132 --> 00:16:25,100
(SNORTING, HAWKING)

331
00:16:25,135 --> 00:16:27,602
(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)

332
00:16:27,637 --> 00:16:29,104
Boy, the Clam sure looks different.

333
00:16:29,139 --> 00:16:31,272
Yeah, just be careful with
your collars on the way in.

334
00:16:31,308 --> 00:16:32,607
They're kind of sharp.

335
00:16:32,642 --> 00:16:35,877
("A FIFTH OF BEETHOVEN"
BY WALTER MURPHY PLAYING)

336
00:16:54,498 --> 00:16:56,498
(PEOPLE GRUNTING)

337
00:17:04,775 --> 00:17:08,476
Yeah, we'll have a round
of beers for the table.

338
00:17:08,512 --> 00:17:09,978
Uhp, we got her, too.

339
00:17:10,013 --> 00:17:13,281
It's good to have you back from
the war in one piece, Quagmire.

340
00:17:13,316 --> 00:17:15,550
Yeah, some of us weren't so lucky.

341
00:17:15,585 --> 00:17:17,352
What are you talking about?
You never went to Vietnam.

342
00:17:17,387 --> 00:17:18,620
Hell I didn't!

343
00:17:18,655 --> 00:17:21,322
I went to the draft board
and told them I was gay,

344
00:17:21,358 --> 00:17:24,192
and then got hit by a bus
on the walk home.

345
00:17:24,227 --> 00:17:25,894
(SOBBING)

346
00:17:27,898 --> 00:17:30,231
So, Quagmire, Chris is
shipping out tomorrow morning,

347
00:17:30,267 --> 00:17:32,033
and he's pretty nervous.

348
00:17:32,068 --> 00:17:35,103
I know you enjoy staring, like,
3,000 feet out into dead space,

349
00:17:35,138 --> 00:17:37,439
but you got any good stories
I could tell him

350
00:17:37,474 --> 00:17:39,107
about how cool 'Nam is?

351
00:17:39,142 --> 00:17:41,810
You know, there's lots of things
you expect in war...

352
00:17:41,845 --> 00:17:44,379
Carnage, the sleepless nights...

353
00:17:44,414 --> 00:17:46,514
But what they don't prepare you for

354
00:17:46,550 --> 00:17:49,050
is the incessant use of "Fortunate Son."

355
00:17:49,085 --> 00:17:50,752
("FORTUNATE SON" BY CREEDENCE
CLEARWATER REVIVAL PLAYING)

356
00:17:50,787 --> 00:17:53,087
I'd hear that song
any time I was in a helicopter.

357
00:17:55,058 --> 00:17:57,592
Or taking a swift boat
deep into the jungle,

358
00:17:57,627 --> 00:17:59,928
that song again.

359
00:17:59,963 --> 00:18:01,830
My penis would even play "Fortunate Son"

360
00:18:01,865 --> 00:18:03,539
while I was visiting a whorehouse.

361
00:18:03,540 --> 00:18:06,786
(VOLUME FLUCTUATING):
? It ain't me, it ain't me ?

362
00:18:06,787 --> 00:18:10,235
? I ain't no millionaire's son, no... ?

363
00:18:10,738 --> 00:18:12,592
Oh, Lord, that's horrible!

364
00:18:12,632 --> 00:18:14,798
There must have been
some other song you heard.

365
00:18:14,834 --> 00:18:16,467
Yeah, there was.

366
00:18:16,502 --> 00:18:19,103
That "There's something
happening here" song.

367
00:18:19,138 --> 00:18:20,538
Hey, I just realized,

368
00:18:20,573 --> 00:18:22,806
your clothes kind of
look like the jungle.

369
00:18:22,842 --> 00:18:24,708
Shut up, Joe! You weren't there!

370
00:18:24,744 --> 00:18:27,111
You don't know!
I'll kill you! I'll kill you!

371
00:18:27,146 --> 00:18:28,879
You didn't hear the songs I heard!

372
00:18:28,915 --> 00:18:30,981
Oh, my God,
Chris ships out in the morning!

373
00:18:31,017 --> 00:18:33,817
I got to get him out to there.
I thought this war would be fun,

374
00:18:33,853 --> 00:18:36,587
you know, just go over there
and fight the Donkey Kong.

375
00:18:36,622 --> 00:18:39,023
We were trying to fight the war our way,

376
00:18:39,058 --> 00:18:41,091
the way we'd always fought wars,

377
00:18:41,127 --> 00:18:44,628
but we were gradually climbing
steel beams and ladders,

378
00:18:44,664 --> 00:18:46,463
and the Donkey Kong knew that.

379
00:18:46,499 --> 00:18:50,601
It was barrel after barrel.
We lost a lot of good men.

380
00:18:50,636 --> 00:18:52,636
And so many quarters.

381
00:18:52,672 --> 00:18:54,505
(DRUMS PLAYING MARCH)

382
00:18:58,477 --> 00:19:00,978
Now, listen up! When you hear your name,

383
00:19:01,013 --> 00:19:03,213
I want you to sound off smartly
and move out.

384
00:19:03,249 --> 00:19:05,215
- Capo.
- Yes, sir.

385
00:19:05,251 --> 00:19:07,151
- Sumner.
- Yes, sir.

386
00:19:07,186 --> 00:19:08,385
Griffin.

387
00:19:10,656 --> 00:19:12,289
Chris Griffin!

388
00:19:12,325 --> 00:19:14,925
Yes, sir.

389
00:19:14,961 --> 00:19:17,461
- I didn't think this through.
- ?

390
00:19:17,496 --> 00:19:19,463
Hey, where you going?!
What's the matter with you?!

391
00:19:19,498 --> 00:19:22,900
I said put your duffel bag right there!

392
00:19:22,935 --> 00:19:24,401
(RHYTHMIC FOOTSTEPS)

393
00:19:24,437 --> 00:19:27,471
(TO "AQUARIUS"): ? Hey, guys, wait ?

394
00:19:27,506 --> 00:19:29,406
? I'm not supposed to be here ?

395
00:19:29,442 --> 00:19:31,642
? Stop, halt ?

396
00:19:31,677 --> 00:19:33,577
? My name's not Chris, it's Peter ?

397
00:19:33,613 --> 00:19:35,412
? He's late ?

398
00:19:35,448 --> 00:19:37,081
? He's probably at the theater ?

399
00:19:37,116 --> 00:19:41,485
? Watching a '70s movie ?

400
00:19:41,520 --> 00:19:45,656
? Maybe The French Connection ?

401
00:19:45,691 --> 00:19:49,860
? Or possibly Godfather II ?

402
00:19:49,895 --> 00:19:54,298
? The number, not "also" ?

403
00:19:54,333 --> 00:19:58,102
? Let my son die ?

404
00:19:59,372 --> 00:20:02,172
? Let my son die ?

405
00:20:02,208 --> 00:20:07,177
? My son, not me ?

406
00:20:07,213 --> 00:20:10,180
CHOIR: ? Let his son die ?

407
00:20:11,217 --> 00:20:14,718
? Let his son die ?

408
00:20:14,754 --> 00:20:18,188
? His son, not him ?

409
00:20:18,224 --> 00:20:19,690
? Oh, whoa ?

410
00:20:19,725 --> 00:20:22,192
- ? Let his son die ?
- ? Let him die ?

411
00:20:22,228 --> 00:20:23,661
? Locked in a cage ?

412
00:20:23,696 --> 00:20:27,798
- ? Let his son die ?
- ? Like John McCain ?

413
00:20:27,833 --> 00:20:32,636
- ? His son, not him ?
- ? Can't raise his arms. ?

414
00:20:36,102 --> 00:20:38,102
Well, that's all we got tonight.
Hope you enjoyed it.

415
00:20:38,137 --> 00:20:41,365
And I hope the exhibits here at
The Museum of Television & Radio

416
00:20:41,366 --> 00:20:43,511
don't come to life like
Night at the Museum.

417
00:20:43,512 --> 00:20:46,473
- Hey, Peter!
- (SCREAMS) Don Knotts!

418
00:20:46,474 --> 00:20:48,635
- I just want to talk.
- Stay away from me!

419
00:20:48,636 --> 00:20:50,561
Andy Griffith used to beat me up.

420
00:20:50,562 --> 00:20:53,795
He was a big drinker.
Ask Ron Howard, he'll tell you.

421
00:20:53,796 --> 00:20:55,264
Help! Someone!

422
00:20:55,265 --> 00:20:58,367
Tim Conway was sleeping with
half the Apple Dumpling Gang.

423
00:20:58,368 --> 00:21:00,733
You two were the only ones
in the Apple Dumpling Gang!

424
00:21:00,734 --> 00:21:03,293
You're doing the math now, aren't you?

425
00:21:03,671 --> 00:21:06,671
- Synced and corrected by AlexandreMT -
- www.addic7ed.com -