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1x08 - The Ballad of Autumn Gold

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-- Addic7ed.com --

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Any last questions before I
send you back in time to 1888?

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I do, Agent Garcia. What is it
that we're 'sposed to be doing?

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I wasn't paying attention
because you're boring.

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Yeah, you're boring.

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Oh, okay, we'll go through it
again. You see ...

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Somebody named Black Bart
is stealing horses ...

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from time itself.

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If we don't stop him in 1888,

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- civilization will cease to exist because...
- Okay.

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...horses were the building
blocks of American society

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- in the late 1800s.
- Are you prepared?

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I've studied everything
there is to know

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about Black Bart
and the Old West.

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I'm terrific at rounding up posses.

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And I'm great at killing things
with my gun.

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Ah, but you can't kill things
when you time travel, Branski.

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You see, there's a butterfly
effect and wh...

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Yeah, yeah, we get it.

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You can't kill anything
because of time travel.

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Can I at least kill horses?

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- Your mission is tosavethe horses.
- Hmm.

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Have you ever, in your life, cared

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- about another living creature?
- Nope.

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How 'bout this ...
you can kill aliens

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or anything not
from this Earth. Okay?

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- Okay.
- Okay. Heh. On your way, then.

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Good luck. Mwah.

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Mwah. Mwah.

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M-m-m-m-m-mwah.

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Why do you have to be
so boring, Garcia?

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One of these days,
you'll make a friend.

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Branski, we're in 1888!

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All this just to save
some stupid horses.

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I've been practicing
all the colloquial phrases

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of the time ...
check it out.

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How do, sir? I'm right heartily
pleased to make your ...

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Ugh!

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Ugh!

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Sheriff!

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I'm rightly taking that there
horse on behalf of Black Bart.

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But it's our last doggone horse!

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Easy partner, no killing.

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- Remember what that boring guy said?
- Garcia...

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Get off your horse
and fight me like a man.

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Get off your feet
and fight me like a horse!

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Okay.

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Black Bart'll be here tomorrow
at high noon

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to kill y'all
and snake your final horse.

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Sheesh.

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Black Bart and his boys
have ruined town.

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They ride in from Jagged Gulch,
steal our horses,

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and terrorize the people.

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Not human.

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- Not by far.
- Finally! Something to kill.

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I didn't think anybody
could stop Black Bart.

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Until this buckaroo
came into town,

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ripped one off his flesh saddle,

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and another came out of
that there horse vagina.

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That's the kind of courage
this town needs.

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Here's the official sheriff's horse,
Autumn Gold.

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Treat him well.

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We should take the fight
to Black Bart before high noon.

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I'll scout out Jagged Gulch
on this dirty, disgusting horse.

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We're going to need help
taking on the gang.

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And that'll be in the skin of a
classic old-school western posse.

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Assembled by yours truly!

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And, Jen, just have fun
in the Old West.

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J.A.S.O.N., scan symptoms.

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Typhoid fever,
symptoms accelerated.

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Prognosis ... positive.

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99% chance of full recovery with
immediate treatment of penicillin.

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Hooray!

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Penicillin hasn't been invented
yet, you dumb [bleep].

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[Bleep]!

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Chubbie, you're gonna
have to invent penicillin.

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I need you to buy
all these ingredients.

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It's expensive ... do whatever
you need to get the cash.

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Yes!
Sell that ass, Chubbie.

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Sell... that... ass...

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Oooooh, yeah!

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Which one of you dastardly dudes

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wants to join my posse
to take down Black Bart?

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Hows about you, partner?

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You made me walk backwards!

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Better get you cleaned up,
Autumn Gold,

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if you want a guy like me riding you.

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Yeah, there you go.

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Huh, your mane is quite exquisite.

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And your coat ...
silky and smooth.

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I've never felt this way
about an animal before.

93
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Black Bart's never taking you.
Ever.

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I get it now ...
we have to save the horses.

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I tip my bonnet to Chubbette.

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She's making top dollar

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screwing all the ugliest,
diseased scoundrels in town!

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Contrary to what I said earlier,

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I'm terrible at rounding up posses.

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Just look at me ...
I'm an alcoholic.

101
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Need a rock tosser
for your posse?

102
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You've got it all figured out.

103
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It hurts! It hurts!

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- What is it? You have an STD?
- Ow! Ow!

105
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But we don't need the
penicillin anymore, Chubbie.

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Can't you see, we're both fine!

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Typhoid fever, Stage 2 ...
Hallucinations. Death imminent.

108
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Follow me, Chubbie!

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Remember, I know how to
handle things in the Old West.

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Excuse me sir, where in
tarnation is that Black Bart?

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You don't say.
Much obliged.

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Hubba-bubba-bub-bub-bub!

113
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Chubbie, stop acting crazy.

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You're embarrassing me.
This way...

115
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Chubbie, this is the
roller-coaster line.

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Black Bart is actually a roller coaster.

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Ow, ow!
Ow! Ow! Ow!

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Black Bart, I was about
to get Autumn Gold,

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but someone got in the way ...
someone stronger than the others.

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Are you saying that he
is stronger than me?!

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Nobody's stronger
than Black Bart!

122
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Boy, that Black Bart is scary.
My heart's racing.

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Good thing you have a classic western

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- posse to back you up.
- Who the heck is this?

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Rock-throwing Rick!

126
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Black Bart is taking all
the horses into who-knows-where.

127
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Autumn Gold stay here.
French, stay here.

128
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- Useless rock guy...
- Rock-throwing Rick.

129
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...also stay here.

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Sometimes you gotta kill
a horse to save a horse.

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Aah!

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He used my head!

133
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Everybody in the posse was
essential, including me!

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I'm sorry I doubted you,
Rock-throwing Rick.

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You're a hero. I hereby
concede leadership to you.

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What do we do now,
Sheriff Rock-throwing Rick?

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Let's go through
that darn magic thing

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and save those darn horses
from that darn Black Bart.

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Chubbie, don't be crazy.
We can't get out of line.

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Purify toxins.

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Where... where am I?

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- Oh, yeah!
- I'm cured!

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Chubbie, you saved us!

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Horse-ificaton process.

145
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Huh?
Chubbie, you idiot!

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- You turned us into horses!
- Gimme a break, lady.

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Black Bart, that bastard.

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He's turning these beautiful
creatures into monsters!

149
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What should we do,
Rock-Throwing Rick?

150
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Partner, I'm fresh out
of rocks and ideas.

151
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But I reckon this here
French has the gumption

152
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to take this darn base down.

153
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Thanks, boss. If you ask
me, we have to gain access

154
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- to the ship's mainframe.
- And save the horses.

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Then set the ship
to self-destruct.

156
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- And save the horses.
- And then save the horses.

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That's the part I like.

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- Follow my lead, boys.
- I'll follow you anywhere.

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What now,
Sheriff Rock-throwing Rick?

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Maybe do something
to that shiny thing.

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Of course!

162
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Who's the leader of this here posse?

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That would be me,
a-and I don't mind telling you,

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I'm darn proud to be.

165
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Me and my boys are here to stop
your horse-thievin' ways,

166
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and if you have somethin' to
say, you need to say it to m...

167
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Heaven awaits, boss.
God bless your soul.

168
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I heard about you ...
you're supposed to be strong!

169
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I'm strong, but I'm also strong
enough to know when to be weak.

170
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You trying to confuse me?
I'm the strongest!

171
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Ain't nobody stronger
than Black Bart!

172
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What the hell
you gonna do with that?

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Shh.
It's gonna be okay.

174
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I'm gonna shoot you!

175
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Whoa!
Nobody's shooting anybody.

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Hey!

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Shh. Does that feel good?
Ohh, it looks good.

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- You are a gorgeous steed.
- Thank you!

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- Almost done now. You're special.
- Means a lot to me!

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Self-destruct sequence initiated.

181
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Hey, whoa! What?!
How dare you?!

182
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Nobody's getting off
this ship alive!

183
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And I took your brush!

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Self-destruct in 30 seconds...

185
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We'll never get out in time!

186
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Let's go!
Hop on!

187
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French, mount my niece!

188
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We're getting out of here on time ...

189
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and most importantly,
saving the horses!

190
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French!
Jen and Chubbie are horses!

191
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- Wow! Hah!
- Ow! You mother[bleep].

192
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Uncle Mark, you have to ...

193
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That's all of them.

194
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Not all of them.

195
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- They got you, Autumn Gold.
- No!

196
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Autumn Gold...

197
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...I love you.

198
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Damn, I missed.

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- Ow! Ow!
- Ow! Ow!

200
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- Aah! Stop it! Stop!
- Ow!

201
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