1
00:00:04,709 --> 00:00:06,959
_

2
00:00:07,167 --> 00:00:09,208
Ugh, it's Clem.

3
00:00:09,209 --> 00:00:11,208
- She can't watch Lark.
- What?

4
00:00:11,209 --> 00:00:12,209
- Hmm.
- Yeah. She says:

5
00:00:12,212 --> 00:00:13,507
I'm going to have to, quote,

6
00:00:13,508 --> 00:00:16,085
"make up some excuse to Jen and Greg."

7
00:00:16,125 --> 00:00:17,542
Oh.

8
00:00:17,551 --> 00:00:20,285
"Whoops, wrong number. But I'm sick."

9
00:00:20,292 --> 00:00:22,417
No, this is unacceptable.

10
00:00:22,480 --> 00:00:25,323
This is the third time we've
caught Clem in a lie. Man!

11
00:00:25,325 --> 00:00:27,579
I mean, we deserve a
real sitter, you know?

12
00:00:27,604 --> 00:00:31,163
Someone so good that she could
literally break up our marriage.

13
00:00:31,188 --> 00:00:33,265
Yeah. Yeah. You know what?

14
00:00:33,267 --> 00:00:36,067
The days are gone where you can
just pick up a sitter at a bar.

15
00:00:36,069 --> 00:00:38,003
- Mmm.
- No, you have to find them online now.

16
00:00:38,004 --> 00:00:39,417
Online?

17
00:00:39,439 --> 00:00:41,540
I'm sorry, when did we get ugly?

18
00:00:41,542 --> 00:00:42,841
Yeah. All right,

19
00:00:42,843 --> 00:00:44,109
we're looking for the perfect person,

20
00:00:44,125 --> 00:00:45,791
not the perfect mattress. Huh?

21
00:00:45,792 --> 00:00:47,084
- Hey-o.
- You know what, guys?

22
00:00:47,114 --> 00:00:48,580
There's no stigma about it.

23
00:00:48,582 --> 00:00:50,382
All the parents do it, okay?

24
00:00:50,384 --> 00:00:52,317
Just like this... Sitter Seeker.

25
00:00:52,334 --> 00:00:54,918
- Huh.
- Yeah. Make yourself a profile.

26
00:00:54,928 --> 00:00:56,875
Put your stuff out there.

27
00:00:56,876 --> 00:00:59,460
- This is how I found Ashleen.
- Ooh.

28
00:00:59,461 --> 00:01:00,725
What is her number?

29
00:01:02,095 --> 00:01:03,995
Nice try.

30
00:01:03,997 --> 00:01:07,717
Wow, there are so many
profiles for babysitters.

31
00:01:07,742 --> 00:01:10,474
I mean, this must be what
online dating is like.

32
00:01:10,499 --> 00:01:12,474
Yeah, and we really missed
the boat on that one.

33
00:01:12,499 --> 00:01:14,029
I can see why it's so addictive, though.

34
00:01:14,083 --> 00:01:16,080
It's like shoe shopping, but for people.

35
00:01:16,081 --> 00:01:18,968
First things first... we
need to create a profile.

36
00:01:18,969 --> 00:01:20,042
- Oh, okay.
- All right?

37
00:01:20,043 --> 00:01:22,125
- So let's take a profile pic.
- Oh, fun.

38
00:01:22,126 --> 00:01:24,375
- Oh, people like laughter. So...
- Oh, that's great,

39
00:01:24,385 --> 00:01:25,690
because I got a really funny joke.

40
00:01:25,715 --> 00:01:27,486
- No, fake laughter's fine. Ready?
- Okay.

41
00:01:27,488 --> 00:01:29,187
One, two, three.

42
00:01:31,782 --> 00:01:33,344
Oh, no. Greg, that's terrible.

43
00:01:33,375 --> 00:01:36,001
It looks like a ransom photo,
and you're holding me hostage.

44
00:01:36,042 --> 00:01:36,834
Mm.

45
00:01:36,875 --> 00:01:38,397
Let's just use our wedding photo.

46
00:01:38,399 --> 00:01:40,699
Good idea. I will Photoshop
in my missing tooth.

47
00:01:40,701 --> 00:01:41,967
Yeah.

48
00:01:42,274 --> 00:01:44,036
Now you're gonna do that?

49
00:01:46,686 --> 00:01:49,396
Are you checking? No
one likes us, do they?

50
00:01:49,421 --> 00:01:51,510
I knew my eyebrows were
too thin on our wedding day.

51
00:01:51,511 --> 00:01:54,002
- Six matches, babe.
- No way.

52
00:01:54,042 --> 00:01:55,042
- Yeah.
- Let me see.

53
00:01:55,043 --> 00:01:57,083
- Now, out of the gate, my fav?
- Uh-huh?

54
00:01:57,084 --> 00:02:00,519
Kelly. She thinks mean people
suck, and she loves pizza.

55
00:02:00,521 --> 00:02:02,487
Okay, Greg, but we're
looking for a sitter,

56
00:02:02,489 --> 00:02:04,723
not, like, a 13-year-old best friend.

57
00:02:04,725 --> 00:02:06,658
Okay. How about Kelli with an "I"?

58
00:02:06,660 --> 00:02:09,161
She "don't need no
drama," and neither do we.

59
00:02:09,163 --> 00:02:11,463
You know what, that's a lot of all caps.

60
00:02:11,465 --> 00:02:15,033
And too many exclamation
points. It might be a coke thing.

61
00:02:15,035 --> 00:02:17,069
Yeah, that's a good catch.

62
00:02:17,290 --> 00:02:19,845
Greg. Look.

63
00:02:19,870 --> 00:02:21,914
Jordana.

64
00:02:22,250 --> 00:02:23,834
She's...

65
00:02:23,844 --> 00:02:26,144
The one.

66
00:02:26,167 --> 00:02:28,250
Ugh, I hate pop-up ads.

67
00:02:29,220 --> 00:02:30,359
Her name is Jordana,

68
00:02:30,384 --> 00:02:32,517
she's in law school,
and she was a counselor

69
00:02:32,519 --> 00:02:34,219
at Camp Running Wolf.

70
00:02:34,221 --> 00:02:36,455
Oh. Well, she sounds just like you.

71
00:02:36,457 --> 00:02:37,912
I know. Isn't it the best?

72
00:02:37,937 --> 00:02:41,093
Also, she speaks two languages,
English and restaurant Spanish.

73
00:02:41,375 --> 00:02:43,917
- Mmm.
- When does she start? In either language.

74
00:02:43,918 --> 00:02:45,293
Well, we haven't met her yet.

75
00:02:45,318 --> 00:02:48,133
Or, um, really heard back from her.

76
00:02:48,135 --> 00:02:49,835
But I have a very good feeling about it.

77
00:02:49,837 --> 00:02:52,604
Me, too. In fact, I e-mailed
her a joke last night

78
00:02:52,606 --> 00:02:55,197
when I couldn't sleep, so
the bonding's already begun.

79
00:02:55,222 --> 00:02:57,916
I'm sorry, what? You
sent her another message?

80
00:02:57,941 --> 00:03:00,002
Well, actually, it was two e-mails.

81
00:03:00,027 --> 00:03:01,976
The first e-mail was the setup,

82
00:03:02,001 --> 00:03:03,882
and then the second
e-mail was the punch line.

83
00:03:03,884 --> 00:03:05,650
Greg, why would you do that?

84
00:03:05,667 --> 00:03:08,032
- Do you know how desperate that looks?
- I know.

85
00:03:08,033 --> 00:03:11,321
So I sent another e-mail
saying, "We are not desperate."

86
00:03:11,334 --> 00:03:12,793
- No.
- But if I'm being honest,

87
00:03:12,834 --> 00:03:14,543
- that felt a little bit desperate.
- Yeah.

88
00:03:14,561 --> 00:03:15,863
So then I sent an e-mail

89
00:03:15,876 --> 00:03:18,585
- that said, "JK. Ha-ha-ha. LOL."
- No.

90
00:03:18,623 --> 00:03:20,951
Even though that technically
means the same thing.

91
00:03:21,216 --> 00:03:24,002
Greg, you blew this.

92
00:03:24,004 --> 00:03:25,537
I didn't blow anything, all right?

93
00:03:25,539 --> 00:03:28,116
But, look, if you feel
so strongly about it,

94
00:03:28,125 --> 00:03:29,917
- let me fix it.
- Oh! Get...

95
00:03:29,959 --> 00:03:30,793
What? No.

96
00:03:30,834 --> 00:03:32,209
- Here we... wait. Oh, look.
- What?

97
00:03:32,250 --> 00:03:33,500
It's her.

98
00:03:33,514 --> 00:03:35,013
She wants to meet!

99
00:03:35,042 --> 00:03:36,709
Yes!

100
00:03:36,752 --> 00:03:38,639
Oh, my God! Honey, you did it.

101
00:03:38,667 --> 00:03:39,958
- I love you so much.
- Oh, I love you.

102
00:03:39,959 --> 00:03:42,460
- I'm so sorry.
- Oh, my God, you don't have to be sorry.

103
00:03:42,461 --> 00:03:46,904
What a... what a head on
this guy, what a brain, huh?

104
00:03:46,929 --> 00:03:49,080
Hey, you want to do some
fight kissing of our own?

105
00:03:49,125 --> 00:03:51,084
- Come on, say something nasty.
- Oh, Tim, shut up.

106
00:03:51,085 --> 00:03:52,764
That's so stupid.

107
00:03:53,433 --> 00:03:54,410
Oh. Nice.

108
00:03:54,417 --> 00:03:57,459
That hits the spot.

109
00:03:58,340 --> 00:04:00,172
Jordana! Come on in.

110
00:04:00,174 --> 00:04:01,273
Hi. It's so nice to meet you. Hi.

111
00:04:01,292 --> 00:04:02,608
- Oh, yeah.
- Hey.

112
00:04:02,609 --> 00:04:04,107
I'm sorry I'm a little bit messy.

113
00:04:04,132 --> 00:04:06,132
I just came from an
art class that I teach.

114
00:04:06,157 --> 00:04:07,846
I also teach ballet,
if you ever think Lark

115
00:04:07,848 --> 00:04:10,115
would be interested in either of those.

116
00:04:10,117 --> 00:04:12,117
Don't know. We-we'd have to ask her.

117
00:04:12,125 --> 00:04:13,999
Yeah. Yeah. And we will.

118
00:04:14,000 --> 00:04:16,250
- But, I mean, not that she's in charge.
- No. We are.

119
00:04:16,292 --> 00:04:17,373
We're... yeah, we're
very much in charge.

120
00:04:17,374 --> 00:04:18,542
- But, um...
- Yeah. We're parents.

121
00:04:18,584 --> 00:04:20,239
- We like to include her.
- Yeah.

122
00:04:20,240 --> 00:04:21,460
Just play it cool like I am.

123
00:04:21,462 --> 00:04:23,095
Uh-huh. Hey, welcome to the family.

124
00:04:23,096 --> 00:04:25,164
- Oh.
- Nope. Okay.

125
00:04:25,165 --> 00:04:28,066
? There's nothing in the dark ?

126
00:04:28,876 --> 00:04:30,876
? So don't be afraid ?

127
00:04:30,918 --> 00:04:31,942
? Lark. ?

128
00:04:31,972 --> 00:04:35,151
Yes! Oh, I loved that!

129
00:04:35,176 --> 00:04:37,237
And I usually hate ukulele.

130
00:04:37,250 --> 00:04:39,625
- Ooh-kulele.
- That's why.

131
00:04:40,514 --> 00:04:42,013
Man, Lark is gonna love you.

132
00:04:42,015 --> 00:04:44,249
I wish she wasn't napping,
so you could meet her.

133
00:04:44,251 --> 00:04:45,484
Oh, well, maybe she'll wake up.

134
00:04:45,486 --> 00:04:47,486
Oh, well, uh, if she does, you'll know,

135
00:04:47,501 --> 00:04:48,876
- because she's a screamer.
- Yeah.

136
00:04:48,902 --> 00:04:51,156
Oh, I get it. My niece does that, too.

137
00:04:51,167 --> 00:04:52,376
- Yeah?
- Yeah.

138
00:04:52,417 --> 00:04:53,868
It usually just means that there's

139
00:04:53,869 --> 00:04:56,928
a paranormal presence in the
child's bedroom disturbing her.

140
00:04:58,213 --> 00:04:59,498
A what, now?

141
00:04:59,500 --> 00:05:00,532
A ghost.

142
00:05:00,534 --> 00:05:02,085
Now, does Lark sleep in her bed

143
00:05:02,110 --> 00:05:03,943
or floating above it?

144
00:05:04,792 --> 00:05:07,543
I can check the monitor.

145
00:05:08,119 --> 00:05:09,562
And we'll get back to you.

146
00:05:09,587 --> 00:05:10,820
Okay.

147
00:05:10,834 --> 00:05:12,959
- We'll circle back.
- Yeah.

148
00:05:13,673 --> 00:05:14,859
See? This is great.

149
00:05:14,884 --> 00:05:17,015
I mean, we... we don't
even need a babysitter.

150
00:05:17,017 --> 00:05:19,979
No. Look at us. We are chilling at home,

151
00:05:20,004 --> 00:05:21,486
watching Lark ourselves.

152
00:05:21,488 --> 00:05:24,420
If we had a board game,
we could totally play it.

153
00:05:24,421 --> 00:05:26,667
- We don't even need to go out.
- No.

154
00:05:26,668 --> 00:05:28,750
Is it a match?

155
00:05:30,292 --> 00:05:32,292
Miranda. Former preschool teacher.

156
00:05:32,296 --> 00:05:33,698
Olympic alternate?

157
00:05:33,709 --> 00:05:35,792
Okay, we need to craft
the perfect response.

158
00:05:35,802 --> 00:05:37,936
This time, I'm
Photoshopping my eyebrows.

159
00:05:37,938 --> 00:05:39,037
I didn't want to say anything before,

160
00:05:39,039 --> 00:05:40,639
but I've already mocked something up.

161
00:05:42,502 --> 00:05:45,303
Why did you do both of our eyebrows?

162
00:05:47,000 --> 00:05:48,959
_

163
00:05:50,317 --> 00:05:52,784
You should have seen Ryan
at his last wrestling match.

164
00:05:52,834 --> 00:05:54,041
He dominated.

165
00:05:54,042 --> 00:05:56,334
Well, I was just trying
to show off for my girl.

166
00:05:56,356 --> 00:05:58,223
Man, that's risky...
Thinking about a girl

167
00:05:58,225 --> 00:06:01,875
while wearing one of those
tight wrestling singlets.

168
00:06:02,219 --> 00:06:03,545
What do you mean?

169
00:06:03,570 --> 00:06:05,770
Yeah, what-what do you mean, Tim?

170
00:06:07,586 --> 00:06:10,006
Well, great dinner, Mrs. Hughes.

171
00:06:10,031 --> 00:06:11,303
Let me clean up for you.

172
00:06:11,305 --> 00:06:12,771
Oh. He's so polite.

173
00:06:12,773 --> 00:06:14,673
Thank you, Ryan.

174
00:06:14,675 --> 00:06:16,541
And please, call her Heater.

175
00:06:16,543 --> 00:06:17,876
Yeah.

176
00:06:17,878 --> 00:06:19,583
That's a family joke.

177
00:06:19,959 --> 00:06:21,581
- Marry him now.
- Yes.

178
00:06:21,582 --> 00:06:23,615
Tell me it's true love,
because I am dying inside.

179
00:06:23,626 --> 00:06:25,626
- Me, too, babe, me, too.
- You guys, stop.

180
00:06:25,663 --> 00:06:27,865
My relationship is
none of your business.

181
00:06:27,890 --> 00:06:29,568
Things are more casual these days.

182
00:06:29,593 --> 00:06:30,722
You wouldn't get it.

183
00:06:30,724 --> 00:06:32,824
You know, you know what?
Teenagers always think

184
00:06:32,826 --> 00:06:35,493
that their parents don't
understand, but they do.

185
00:06:35,495 --> 00:06:39,029
We have the same bodies,
we have the same... urges.

186
00:06:39,054 --> 00:06:43,211
Seriously, please just stay out
of it and let me enjoy my life.

187
00:06:44,281 --> 00:06:45,719
What are we gonna get
him for his birthday?

188
00:06:45,751 --> 00:06:46,834
Something big.

189
00:06:51,645 --> 00:06:53,478
Oh. Hi.

190
00:06:53,501 --> 00:06:54,751
- Hi.
- Hi.

191
00:06:54,757 --> 00:06:56,042
Aren't you Ryan's mom?

192
00:06:56,083 --> 00:06:57,901
- Yeah.
- Yes. Have we met?

193
00:06:57,902 --> 00:06:59,884
No. No, no. I'm Heather Hughes.

194
00:06:59,886 --> 00:07:01,286
Samantha's mom.

195
00:07:01,288 --> 00:07:03,388
Yeah. Oh, gosh, we
just love Ryan so much.

196
00:07:03,390 --> 00:07:05,590
He makes my daughter very happy.

197
00:07:05,924 --> 00:07:08,218
You know, I'm sorry, I
am blanking right now.

198
00:07:08,243 --> 00:07:09,876
Which one is Samantha?

199
00:07:11,159 --> 00:07:12,852
Sorry, "w-which one"?

200
00:07:12,877 --> 00:07:14,566
Oh, well, you know how
it gets with these kids.

201
00:07:14,568 --> 00:07:16,973
Everybody is dating everybody nowadays.

202
00:07:17,000 --> 00:07:20,375
- Huh.
- Isn't it so nasty, but kind of fun?

203
00:07:21,562 --> 00:07:23,408
Ryan is juggling so many girls.

204
00:07:23,410 --> 00:07:25,710
His mom didn't even
know which one Sam was.

205
00:07:25,711 --> 00:07:27,751
She thought Sam had black hair,

206
00:07:27,780 --> 00:07:29,114
with a bunch of eyebrow piercings.

207
00:07:29,116 --> 00:07:31,049
Which says a lot about Ryan's taste.

208
00:07:31,051 --> 00:07:33,084
That's a whole other conversation.

209
00:07:33,086 --> 00:07:35,186
Maybe Sam already knows
about the piercing girls.

210
00:07:35,188 --> 00:07:36,655
You know, kids are different today.

211
00:07:36,667 --> 00:07:39,334
They're all "low-key,"
and "on the Kinsey scale,"

212
00:07:39,369 --> 00:07:40,485
and "turnt."

213
00:07:40,510 --> 00:07:41,693
Come on, we both know
Sam's not that cool.

214
00:07:41,695 --> 00:07:43,710
There is no way she knows about this,

215
00:07:43,735 --> 00:07:45,030
and I'm gonna tell her.

216
00:07:45,032 --> 00:07:47,514
Let's just make sure we get
all the facts before we risk

217
00:07:47,539 --> 00:07:49,069
ruining our relationship with her,

218
00:07:49,083 --> 00:07:51,042
which is actually pretty good right now.

219
00:07:51,082 --> 00:07:52,170
I mean, she hasn't called you "bitch"

220
00:07:52,172 --> 00:07:54,039
under her breath in a long time.

221
00:07:54,041 --> 00:07:56,566
Fine. But when we are positive,

222
00:07:56,591 --> 00:07:59,347
I get to say that he is
a frickin' piece of crap,

223
00:07:59,372 --> 00:08:01,680
and doesn't deserve to
be a part of this family.

224
00:08:02,486 --> 00:08:05,523
Aw, that was your dad's
toast at our wedding.

225
00:08:07,211 --> 00:08:08,600
You know,

226
00:08:08,625 --> 00:08:12,490
a patient of mine was telling
me about their open marriage.

227
00:08:12,492 --> 00:08:14,459
So what do you guys think about that?

228
00:08:14,461 --> 00:08:15,802
Sam, why don't you go first?

229
00:08:16,013 --> 00:08:17,062
I don't care.

230
00:08:17,064 --> 00:08:19,397
You don't care about my
cousin's open marriage.

231
00:08:19,399 --> 00:08:20,932
Patient, babe. It's your patient.

232
00:08:20,934 --> 00:08:22,667
Right, my pa... Yeah, patient, too.

233
00:08:22,669 --> 00:08:24,336
Yeah, every-everyone's doing it.

234
00:08:24,338 --> 00:08:26,886
Is that what everybody's
doing, Sam? Open?

235
00:08:26,911 --> 00:08:28,573
If you're asking if
I'm okay with you guys

236
00:08:28,575 --> 00:08:30,954
having an open
relationship, I don't care.

237
00:08:30,979 --> 00:08:33,126
Just make sure it's not
with any of my teachers.

238
00:08:33,151 --> 00:08:37,349
Okay, well, uh, why don't you call Ryan

239
00:08:37,351 --> 00:08:39,438
and see what he thinks about it, 'cause,

240
00:08:39,463 --> 00:08:40,852
you know, he's super smart.

241
00:08:40,854 --> 00:08:44,108
No! Leave me alone and
get back to your threesome!

242
00:08:44,133 --> 00:08:46,100
What am I worried about?

243
00:08:46,125 --> 00:08:48,860
You guys are so gross, nobody's
gonna want to be with you.

244
00:08:49,070 --> 00:08:51,656
Okay, bye, honey. Bye.

245
00:08:53,867 --> 00:08:57,736
Mom! The worst thing ever
just happened. It's Ryan.

246
00:08:57,738 --> 00:08:59,637
Oh, no. Did you, did
you find something out?

247
00:08:59,639 --> 00:09:01,740
Yes. He broke his leg
at a wrestling match.

248
00:09:01,742 --> 00:09:04,496
You have to take me to
the hospital to see him.

249
00:09:04,501 --> 00:09:07,002
Okay, are you sure he
actually broke his leg?

250
00:09:07,013 --> 00:09:10,503
Because these guys will use
just the craziest excuses.

251
00:09:10,528 --> 00:09:12,128
What kind of a question is that?

252
00:09:12,153 --> 00:09:14,853
The literal love of my life
is fully dying right now,

253
00:09:14,855 --> 00:09:16,388
and if you don't take me to see him,

254
00:09:16,389 --> 00:09:19,375
- you're the actual devil.
- Oh.

255
00:09:19,433 --> 00:09:21,959
Uh-oh. I think I just heard her say...

256
00:09:22,000 --> 00:09:24,751
- "bitch."
- Yeah. I heard her.

257
00:09:27,754 --> 00:09:29,837
If you're here to see
Ryan, don't bother.

258
00:09:29,876 --> 00:09:30,668
Apparently, he's got

259
00:09:30,670 --> 00:09:32,537
all the girlfriends he needs.

260
00:09:32,539 --> 00:09:35,000
But I'm Ryan's girlfriend.

261
00:09:35,025 --> 00:09:37,175
Yeah, there's, like, five of us.

262
00:09:37,177 --> 00:09:38,643
Typical male stuff.

263
00:09:38,645 --> 00:09:41,112
We're gonna organize a
march if you're interested.

264
00:09:41,375 --> 00:09:42,917
Oh, hi!

265
00:09:42,933 --> 00:09:44,916
How sweet of you to come.

266
00:09:44,918 --> 00:09:46,117
So this is your mom?

267
00:09:46,119 --> 00:09:48,119
When we ran into each
other the other day,

268
00:09:48,121 --> 00:09:49,487
we were trying to figure out which one

269
00:09:49,501 --> 00:09:52,085
- of Ryan's girlfriends you were.
- What?

270
00:09:52,092 --> 00:09:53,558
Well, you know, you
should go and see him

271
00:09:53,560 --> 00:09:55,160
once that big one leaves.

272
00:09:56,763 --> 00:09:59,431
You knew this whole time that
Ryan was seeing other girls?

273
00:09:59,433 --> 00:10:00,999
Yes, but I...

274
00:10:01,001 --> 00:10:02,890
Why didn't you tell me? You're my mom!

275
00:10:02,918 --> 00:10:04,877
We're supposed to talk about everything.

276
00:10:09,045 --> 00:10:10,642
I said, leave me alone!

277
00:10:10,644 --> 00:10:12,710
You can do so much better, okay?

278
00:10:12,712 --> 00:10:14,779
Because you are, like, a ten,

279
00:10:14,781 --> 00:10:17,982
and he's a zero. Not that I
think rating women is okay.

280
00:10:17,984 --> 00:10:20,785
Yeah, I hope that turd gets
maimed in a wrestling accident

281
00:10:20,787 --> 00:10:22,887
and has to live the
whole rest of his life

282
00:10:22,889 --> 00:10:25,390
with a plastic wiener
that's computer-controlled

283
00:10:25,392 --> 00:10:29,294
and it malfunctions in business
meetings and embarrasses him!

284
00:10:29,817 --> 00:10:31,521
Yeah, that!

285
00:10:31,591 --> 00:10:34,466
How could you talk about him
like that? That's my boyfriend.

286
00:10:34,468 --> 00:10:37,569
Really? You're okay with him
having all these girlfriends?

287
00:10:37,571 --> 00:10:39,971
No. I told him he had to
choose, and he chose me.

288
00:10:39,973 --> 00:10:40,705
Oh.

289
00:10:40,707 --> 00:10:42,540
It was so romantic.

290
00:10:42,542 --> 00:10:45,477
But I guess you wouldn't
understand, since you hate love!

291
00:10:45,775 --> 00:10:47,040
No.

292
00:10:47,065 --> 00:10:48,267
Let's never talk to her again.

293
00:10:48,292 --> 00:10:49,991
Okay.

294
00:10:51,375 --> 00:10:53,251
_

295
00:10:55,521 --> 00:10:57,922
I can't believe you
spent ten years in Brazil.

296
00:10:57,924 --> 00:10:58,992
Was it romantic?

297
00:11:00,376 --> 00:11:02,117
That means "very
romantic" in Portuguese.

298
00:11:02,167 --> 00:11:03,528
- Fancy!
- Yeah!

299
00:11:03,529 --> 00:11:06,229
I got dumped by so many hot guys.

300
00:11:06,250 --> 00:11:08,114
- Oh, that sounds amazing.
- Oh, so fun.

301
00:11:08,115 --> 00:11:10,200
My half-sister is such an adventurer.

302
00:11:10,209 --> 00:11:13,543
Mm. Speaking of adventures,
how's the baby-making?

303
00:11:13,544 --> 00:11:16,339
Um, not great, actually.

304
00:11:16,341 --> 00:11:18,408
Uh, we did IVF, and we got
a couple of viable embryos,

305
00:11:18,410 --> 00:11:20,410
but my doctor's worried I'm
not gonna be able to carry them,

306
00:11:20,412 --> 00:11:22,212
so... I don't know.

307
00:11:22,214 --> 00:11:23,452
Oh, honey, I'm sorry.

308
00:11:23,477 --> 00:11:27,150
Oh, it's just another roadblock
in a relationship full of them.

309
00:11:27,175 --> 00:11:30,087
Sorry, sorry, sorry. I'm
so sorry that I'm late. Hi.

310
00:11:30,088 --> 00:11:31,999
- Hi-ee!
- Hi-ee!

311
00:11:32,000 --> 00:11:34,041
Oh, so that's genetic.

312
00:11:34,042 --> 00:11:36,350
- It's so nice to meet you, Rita.
- Hi, nice to meet you.

313
00:11:36,375 --> 00:11:37,875
- Hey.
- Hi. Oh, we do two.

314
00:11:37,876 --> 00:11:39,085
- Mwah, mwah.
- Oh. Mwah, mwah.

315
00:11:41,900 --> 00:11:44,301
This is gonna sound so
crazy. Have we met before?

316
00:11:44,334 --> 00:11:45,085
No, I don't...

317
00:11:45,125 --> 00:11:46,667
- I don't think so. No, right?
- Oh, no. No.

318
00:11:46,668 --> 00:11:47,962
No?

319
00:11:48,807 --> 00:11:50,774
I had sex with Colleen's sister.

320
00:11:50,776 --> 00:11:53,443
Noice.

321
00:11:53,445 --> 00:11:55,312
Just when I think you
can't get any cooler, you go

322
00:11:55,314 --> 00:11:58,715
and have sex with one of your
wife's family members. Man!

323
00:11:58,717 --> 00:12:00,676
No, man, I didn't cheat on Colleen.

324
00:12:00,677 --> 00:12:02,876
It was a one-night stand
12 years ago in Cancun.

325
00:12:02,888 --> 00:12:04,187
Greg was there.

326
00:12:04,189 --> 00:12:07,257
Spring break! Errybody
got some on that trip.

327
00:12:07,259 --> 00:12:10,327
I met this one chica at
the Cancun Public Library.

328
00:12:10,329 --> 00:12:12,762
I was checking out Harry
Potter and the Goblet of Fire,

329
00:12:12,764 --> 00:12:14,631
but she checked me out.

330
00:12:14,633 --> 00:12:16,266
The library in Cancun?

331
00:12:16,268 --> 00:12:18,130
Yeah, but there they
call it a biblioteca.

332
00:12:18,131 --> 00:12:19,542
And I biblio-took-a her virginity,

333
00:12:19,571 --> 00:12:21,414
if you know what I mean.

334
00:12:21,439 --> 00:12:23,306
So you gonna tell Colleen or can I?

335
00:12:23,307 --> 00:12:25,542
No, I have to. "Can I"?

336
00:12:25,572 --> 00:12:27,677
What the hell's the matter with you?

337
00:12:29,459 --> 00:12:31,918
You... passed the test.

338
00:12:33,125 --> 00:12:35,084
- Colleen?
- Matt.

339
00:12:35,087 --> 00:12:37,354
Hey, honey. Uh, we have to talk. Hey.

340
00:12:37,375 --> 00:12:39,500
Okay, but first, I
have really good news.

341
00:12:39,501 --> 00:12:41,876
- Mm-hmm.
- Rita wants to be our surrogate.

342
00:12:41,877 --> 00:12:42,893
What?

343
00:12:42,895 --> 00:12:44,928
I'm gonna carry your baby.

344
00:12:44,929 --> 00:12:47,001
Wha... no.

345
00:12:47,059 --> 00:12:49,399
Oh, honey, look, I want
this more than anything,

346
00:12:49,417 --> 00:12:51,708
but Rita cannot be our surrogate.

347
00:12:51,709 --> 00:12:53,043
- Why not?
- Why?

348
00:12:53,071 --> 00:12:55,705
Uh, I don't really know
how to say this, but...

349
00:12:56,013 --> 00:12:57,340
Rita and I had sex.

350
00:12:57,342 --> 00:12:59,276
What? I will kill you!

351
00:12:59,278 --> 00:13:00,210
No, we didn't.

352
00:13:00,212 --> 00:13:02,045
Yes, we did. 12 years ago in Cancun.

353
00:13:02,047 --> 00:13:04,045
No, we definitely didn't
have sex. Colleen, I swear.

354
00:13:04,046 --> 00:13:06,001
- I keep Polaroids... I would know.
- I'm so sorry.

355
00:13:06,018 --> 00:13:10,337
Look, I wish that I could take
back that sweaty, drunken night

356
00:13:10,362 --> 00:13:12,337
in the bathroom at Seņor Frog's.

357
00:13:12,375 --> 00:13:13,417
- Ew.
- Ew.

358
00:13:13,425 --> 00:13:15,425
What, you don't remember?
I had the frosted tips

359
00:13:15,426 --> 00:13:17,709
and the awesome blond goatee.

360
00:13:17,751 --> 00:13:19,001
- Ew!
- Ew!

361
00:13:19,031 --> 00:13:21,631
You... you have a...

362
00:13:21,633 --> 00:13:24,701
a tattoo of a dolphin riding
a surfboard on your left wrist!

363
00:13:24,709 --> 00:13:27,834
No, I don't. My boyfriend
in high school was Jewish.

364
00:13:27,880 --> 00:13:30,507
Joshy, remember? And I want
to be buried next to him.

365
00:13:30,509 --> 00:13:31,716
What? Matt,

366
00:13:31,741 --> 00:13:34,087
what are you doing?
We've had enough problems,

367
00:13:34,112 --> 00:13:36,846
and now you're just,
like, inventing them.

368
00:13:39,518 --> 00:13:40,951
All right, uh,

369
00:13:40,953 --> 00:13:42,419
we'll fill 'em in when
they get here. Okay.

370
00:13:42,421 --> 00:13:43,687
Uh, okay,

371
00:13:43,689 --> 00:13:46,022
we are thrilled to announce

372
00:13:46,024 --> 00:13:48,758
Rita has agreed to be our surrogate.

373
00:13:49,461 --> 00:13:52,462
Oh, my goodness, honey!

374
00:13:52,464 --> 00:13:55,599
Congratulations! Oh!

375
00:13:56,260 --> 00:13:59,485
So, is she the bun or the oven?

376
00:13:59,510 --> 00:14:01,771
Just tell me which one is gonna get big.

377
00:14:01,792 --> 00:14:04,634
Toast! Toast!

378
00:14:04,876 --> 00:14:07,500
As the future godfather, I
would like to say a few words.

379
00:14:07,501 --> 00:14:08,584
We're not doing godparents,
but you know what,

380
00:14:08,614 --> 00:14:10,462
go right ahead, man.

381
00:14:11,985 --> 00:14:13,992
Thank you for letting
me be the godfather.

382
00:14:14,000 --> 00:14:15,417
This is a great honor.

383
00:14:15,448 --> 00:14:17,287
That's all I prepared.

384
00:14:17,292 --> 00:14:18,876
- Oh, it was great!
- Okay, very nice.

385
00:14:18,890 --> 00:14:20,257
Hey, sorry we're late.

386
00:14:20,259 --> 00:14:22,125
Oh, no. Did we miss
the big announcement?

387
00:14:22,127 --> 00:14:23,460
Yeah. Um, so...

388
00:14:23,462 --> 00:14:25,662
Oh, Snape!

389
00:14:26,288 --> 00:14:27,754
Severus?

390
00:14:27,792 --> 00:14:29,251
Severus?

391
00:14:29,264 --> 00:14:33,803
No one's called you
that since we... Oh, no.

392
00:14:33,805 --> 00:14:36,871
Well, we met at the
Cancun Public Library

393
00:14:36,896 --> 00:14:38,325
and spent the night together.

394
00:14:38,350 --> 00:14:41,278
And I said Harry Potter
could never get you laid.

395
00:14:41,292 --> 00:14:44,210
- What a terrible way to be proven wrong.
- Mm.

396
00:14:44,216 --> 00:14:46,216
How did the space training go?

397
00:14:46,218 --> 00:14:47,217
The wha... ah.

398
00:14:47,219 --> 00:14:49,152
Good. Very good.

399
00:14:49,154 --> 00:14:52,522
I am a professional astronaut now.

400
00:14:52,524 --> 00:14:54,124
Right, everyone?

401
00:14:54,126 --> 00:14:55,525
Well, I honestly don't know

402
00:14:55,527 --> 00:14:58,655
what any of my kids
do, so it's possible.

403
00:14:58,680 --> 00:15:00,764
So what if she slept with Greg once?

404
00:15:00,765 --> 00:15:02,876
- Thrice.
- Three times, hard.

405
00:15:02,918 --> 00:15:04,111
- Huh.
- Noice.

406
00:15:04,136 --> 00:15:05,435
Wow, wow, wow.

407
00:15:05,437 --> 00:15:07,771
This is fun for me.

408
00:15:07,773 --> 00:15:10,273
But I think we have to
go now. Right, honey?

409
00:15:10,275 --> 00:15:14,544
Because Greg is leaving for
the space station tomorrow,

410
00:15:14,546 --> 00:15:17,847
and you all know how much
I cherish his time on Earth.

411
00:15:17,849 --> 00:15:20,717
There's a lot of love
for Greg in this room.

412
00:15:20,719 --> 00:15:22,519
Thanks, Mom. That's the
reception I was hoping for

413
00:15:22,521 --> 00:15:24,821
when I made the biggest
announcement of our lives.

414
00:15:24,823 --> 00:15:27,524
She can, she can still
be our surrogate, right?

415
00:15:27,542 --> 00:15:29,126
Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

416
00:15:29,127 --> 00:15:30,193
I mean, it's not weird that, you know,

417
00:15:30,195 --> 00:15:31,328
somebody that Greg
slept with three times

418
00:15:31,330 --> 00:15:32,595
is gonna give birth to our child.

419
00:15:32,597 --> 00:15:33,796
That's not gonna haunt my dreams.

420
00:15:33,821 --> 00:15:34,820
No.

421
00:15:35,214 --> 00:15:36,566
Actually, it was four times.

422
00:15:36,584 --> 00:15:39,251
- Four.
- How do you say "four"

423
00:15:39,263 --> 00:15:41,738
like "thrice"? "Frice"?

424
00:15:42,874 --> 00:15:44,307
That's a head-scratcher, hey.

425
00:15:44,308 --> 00:15:46,210
All right, bye-bye then.

426
00:15:47,876 --> 00:15:49,668
_

427
00:15:51,542 --> 00:15:53,460
Honey, I don't think you're
supposed to actually do

428
00:15:53,478 --> 00:15:55,745
the bowling ball test in the store.

429
00:15:55,747 --> 00:15:57,071
No, they want that.

430
00:15:57,096 --> 00:15:59,148
That's why they put
it in the commercials.

431
00:15:59,150 --> 00:16:01,684
Why don't you wait in the
car and let me handle this.

432
00:16:01,686 --> 00:16:04,854
Because sometimes, big
decisions, they paralyze you.

433
00:16:04,876 --> 00:16:07,903
- Look, this will be quick and painless.
- Hi.

434
00:16:07,918 --> 00:16:10,168
Hi. I want to see every
one of your mattresses.

435
00:16:10,209 --> 00:16:11,043
Oh.

436
00:16:11,053 --> 00:16:12,595
Let's show you around.
You know, we actually have

437
00:16:12,597 --> 00:16:14,119
a rack for bowling balls.

438
00:16:14,144 --> 00:16:16,399
Oh. Eh, do you have a corkscrew?

439
00:16:16,401 --> 00:16:18,868
You know it. I drink
at work all the time.

440
00:16:21,695 --> 00:16:23,673
Feels like I'm sleeping on angel balls.

441
00:16:23,675 --> 00:16:25,308
That makes sense.

442
00:16:25,310 --> 00:16:27,577
This one's actually
from our Angel Series.

443
00:16:27,584 --> 00:16:29,085
Done deal.

444
00:16:29,086 --> 00:16:31,332
Yeah, put this in the "maybe" pile.

445
00:16:31,541 --> 00:16:33,874
Another one for the "maybe" pile.

446
00:16:36,285 --> 00:16:37,753
What do you think?

447
00:16:37,755 --> 00:16:39,288
It's perfect.

448
00:16:39,459 --> 00:16:41,126
A little too perfect.

449
00:16:41,134 --> 00:16:43,693
How can a mattress be too perfect?

450
00:16:43,695 --> 00:16:45,761
That's what I'm wondering, Joanie.

451
00:16:45,763 --> 00:16:47,504
Please, John, just choose one.

452
00:16:47,542 --> 00:16:48,876
Look, maybe you're ready to commit

453
00:16:48,883 --> 00:16:50,716
to the first one that
makes you feel good.

454
00:16:50,718 --> 00:16:52,251
You know, gets your rocks off.

455
00:16:52,253 --> 00:16:54,345
Me? I'm a romantic.

456
00:16:54,375 --> 00:16:57,500
- I'm looking for "the one."
- Oh.

457
00:16:57,501 --> 00:16:59,918
Dig deep, Dusty. Are you sure

458
00:16:59,943 --> 00:17:01,704
you've shown us every mattress?

459
00:17:01,729 --> 00:17:03,596
There's one mattress the employees use

460
00:17:03,598 --> 00:17:05,197
for naps and quickies.

461
00:17:06,548 --> 00:17:09,905
Oh, John. I will even sleep on this.

462
00:17:09,930 --> 00:17:11,537
Just choose.

463
00:17:11,562 --> 00:17:13,339
Don't rush me.

464
00:17:13,819 --> 00:17:16,246
Just let me take it for a spin.

465
00:17:19,247 --> 00:17:20,121
No.

466
00:17:20,146 --> 00:17:23,357
No. Let's go try that first
bed we looked at again.

467
00:17:24,443 --> 00:17:25,458
Joanie?

468
00:17:26,060 --> 00:17:27,453
I haven't slept in a while

469
00:17:27,455 --> 00:17:29,321
because we need a new bed,

470
00:17:29,323 --> 00:17:31,824
and your father refuses
to make a decision.

471
00:17:31,826 --> 00:17:33,471
I'm a perfectionist.

472
00:17:33,496 --> 00:17:35,806
Is that why you're wearing
two different shoes?

473
00:17:35,831 --> 00:17:37,263
Hmm? You know what you should do?

474
00:17:37,265 --> 00:17:39,502
You should, uh, get a bed online.

475
00:17:39,527 --> 00:17:42,088
I'm not gonna stand on line for a bed.

476
00:17:42,113 --> 00:17:43,569
What is this, the depression?

477
00:17:43,571 --> 00:17:46,572
No, we did it. Yeah, it's
really easy. You just go online,

478
00:17:46,574 --> 00:17:48,407
you put in your measurements
and your sleep habits.

479
00:17:48,409 --> 00:17:50,876
Yeah. For instance, I
learned that Greg sleeps

480
00:17:50,878 --> 00:17:54,743
in a position experts like to
call "the full-grown fetus."

481
00:17:54,768 --> 00:17:58,536
Well, John, let's get the Internet bed.

482
00:17:58,561 --> 00:18:00,319
It's perfect because the computer

483
00:18:00,321 --> 00:18:02,278
makes the decision for you.

484
00:18:02,303 --> 00:18:04,249
Yeah, maybe. We'll-we'll
come over tonight

485
00:18:04,250 --> 00:18:05,959
and give her a test drive.

486
00:18:05,960 --> 00:18:08,668
Sorry, w-what do you
mean by test drive?

487
00:18:08,702 --> 00:18:11,557
Well, I like to give a
bed a run for its money.

488
00:18:11,582 --> 00:18:14,650
You know, lie down, roll
around, get on all fours.

489
00:18:15,154 --> 00:18:17,686
Make sure it can handle all my moves.

490
00:18:19,691 --> 00:18:22,386
All right, let's see what
we're working with here.

491
00:18:23,167 --> 00:18:25,001
- Wha...?
- Whoa, Dad. What are you doing?

492
00:18:25,012 --> 00:18:26,856
This is how I sleep at home.

493
00:18:26,881 --> 00:18:28,814
T-shirt, no pants.

494
00:18:28,839 --> 00:18:30,249
Winnie the Pooh style.

495
00:18:30,251 --> 00:18:31,951
Uh, hate to break it to you, Pooh Bear,

496
00:18:31,953 --> 00:18:34,086
but this is a "pants on" type of party.

497
00:18:34,088 --> 00:18:36,322
Jen, who gave you this comforter?

498
00:18:36,324 --> 00:18:38,072
Uh, I picked it out.

499
00:18:38,097 --> 00:18:39,796
Oh, why?

500
00:18:40,134 --> 00:18:42,109
I think that's a
rhetorical question, right?

501
00:18:42,134 --> 00:18:42,913
Probably.

502
00:18:42,938 --> 00:18:45,131
Oh. I love this.

503
00:18:45,133 --> 00:18:47,133
Come on, John. Let's go home

504
00:18:47,135 --> 00:18:48,334
and get started.

505
00:18:48,336 --> 00:18:50,336
You know, we've got
to get a mattress soon,

506
00:18:50,338 --> 00:18:54,568
or I might lose my
plucky, upbeat demeanor.

507
00:18:55,884 --> 00:18:56,976
John, move!

508
00:18:56,978 --> 00:18:58,260
Uh, all right.

509
00:18:58,285 --> 00:19:00,519
Smells like ass in here, anyway.

510
00:19:01,639 --> 00:19:03,983
Always fun having 'em over.

511
00:19:04,506 --> 00:19:07,019
John, our mattress came in the mail.

512
00:19:07,567 --> 00:19:09,300
Hmm.

513
00:19:10,501 --> 00:19:12,127
It's all shriveled.

514
00:19:12,160 --> 00:19:13,492
It reminds me of the time I had

515
00:19:13,494 --> 00:19:16,934
to help my grandfather get
into his swimming trunks.

516
00:19:16,959 --> 00:19:19,560
It'll grow once it's out in the open.

517
00:19:19,585 --> 00:19:22,219
Yeah, that's what my
grandpa used to say.

518
00:19:27,403 --> 00:19:28,675
Oh.

519
00:19:28,700 --> 00:19:31,010
I'm not so sure this
is the winner, Joanie.

520
00:19:32,046 --> 00:19:33,579
It smells like that old fridge

521
00:19:33,581 --> 00:19:36,715
I got stuck in when I was a kid.

522
00:19:36,717 --> 00:19:40,065
Here. I'll hold the box.

523
00:19:40,268 --> 00:19:41,876
You put the bed back in.

524
00:19:41,901 --> 00:19:43,289
No.

525
00:19:43,292 --> 00:19:45,251
- If this bed isn't good enough...
- Mm.

526
00:19:45,258 --> 00:19:46,891
Then nothing will be.

527
00:19:46,916 --> 00:19:47,993
You have to pick out

528
00:19:48,000 --> 00:19:50,209
- a new mattress today...
- Mm-hmm.

529
00:19:50,242 --> 00:19:52,500
Or you're sleeping on the sofa.

530
00:19:52,603 --> 00:19:54,069
Geez.

531
00:19:54,094 --> 00:19:55,923
Maybe if you got some more sleep,

532
00:19:55,948 --> 00:19:57,914
you wouldn't be such a downer.

533
00:19:59,959 --> 00:20:02,334
Oh, I hope we don't
get that same salesman.

534
00:20:02,335 --> 00:20:03,500
- Mmm.
- Ugh.

535
00:20:04,209 --> 00:20:06,251
Dudes! Are you kidding?

536
00:20:06,300 --> 00:20:07,822
I thought you might have died.

537
00:20:07,847 --> 00:20:09,431
My husband has made a decision.

538
00:20:09,433 --> 00:20:10,733
John, tell him what you want.

539
00:20:10,735 --> 00:20:14,247
I want the Angel Series 2000.

540
00:20:14,272 --> 00:20:15,771
But I want it for a thousand.

541
00:20:16,012 --> 00:20:17,645
It's an $800 mattress.

542
00:20:17,670 --> 00:20:18,874
Deal. Thank you.

543
00:20:18,876 --> 00:20:21,112
- I'm so happy.
- It's a great choice.

544
00:20:21,125 --> 00:20:23,709
Best part is, that mattress
comes with a 30-year warranty.

545
00:20:23,740 --> 00:20:26,174
So it'll be the last
mattress you ever have to buy.

546
00:20:26,176 --> 00:20:27,475
Oh, that's great

547
00:20:27,500 --> 00:20:29,087
because I never want to go through

548
00:20:29,112 --> 00:20:30,912
this miserable process again.

549
00:20:30,914 --> 00:20:34,716
30 years. So that makes
it my deathbed, huh?

550
00:20:34,718 --> 00:20:36,261
Whoa, this changes everything.

551
00:20:36,286 --> 00:20:37,546
No.

552
00:20:37,584 --> 00:20:39,625
This decision is too big to be rushed.

553
00:20:39,626 --> 00:20:41,293
- I should sleep on it.
- Oh, no.

554
00:20:41,334 --> 00:20:42,876
Where should I start?

555
00:20:43,118 --> 00:20:46,118
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