1 00:00:00,133 --> 00:00:01,359 I have to go. 2 00:00:01,429 --> 00:00:04,382 For once in your life, don't be afraid. 3 00:00:06,513 --> 00:00:09,583 Can anyone help me get in the building? 4 00:00:09,616 --> 00:00:11,318 Jess! 5 00:00:13,487 --> 00:00:16,456 Come on. Come on, come on. 6 00:00:16,490 --> 00:00:17,859 Jess, where'd you go? 7 00:00:17,892 --> 00:00:19,464 - Stay right there! - Stay right there! 8 00:00:20,931 --> 00:00:22,599 - Hey, Miller. - Hey. 9 00:00:31,640 --> 00:00:34,110 _ 10 00:00:34,135 --> 00:00:35,523 Ti amo, Jessica. 11 00:00:35,554 --> 00:00:36,646 I love you, too, Ghee. 12 00:00:42,786 --> 00:00:44,488 Hey. Bathroom buds. 13 00:00:44,521 --> 00:00:46,034 Get lost? 14 00:00:50,594 --> 00:00:53,764 Look at those horny, horny hippos. 15 00:00:53,796 --> 00:00:56,366 I'm gay for you like that. 16 00:00:56,759 --> 00:00:58,727 Hey, man. Hell of a book tour. 17 00:00:58,756 --> 00:01:01,204 I mean, Pepperwood's European sales are already spiking. 18 00:01:01,238 --> 00:01:03,099 - Hey, have a good weekend. - See you tomorrow. 19 00:01:05,975 --> 00:01:08,076 - I love you. - I love you, too. 20 00:01:08,131 --> 00:01:11,101 And that's why we're capping off six months of European romance 21 00:01:11,134 --> 00:01:13,837 with the most romantic destination of all. 22 00:01:13,870 --> 00:01:16,244 A three-year-old's birthday party. 23 00:01:16,269 --> 00:01:18,894 Wait till everyone sees what Mama's got on her finger. 24 00:01:18,919 --> 00:01:21,169 - I still can't believe it. - Me, neither. 25 00:01:21,231 --> 00:01:23,613 "My name is Ruth Bader Parikh-Schmidt, 26 00:01:23,646 --> 00:01:24,949 and I am three today." 27 00:01:24,982 --> 00:01:26,083 Can you say that? 28 00:01:26,116 --> 00:01:28,084 Daddy's butt! 29 00:01:28,117 --> 00:01:30,636 Close enough. Okay, but where is Daddy's butt? 30 00:01:30,661 --> 00:01:31,988 I got to get to the office. 31 00:01:32,021 --> 00:01:35,286 Daddy's butt has been bleaching all outdoor playing surfaces. 32 00:01:37,727 --> 00:01:39,611 You could prepare a chicken on that slide. 33 00:01:39,643 --> 00:01:41,866 Oh, great. Well, I got to go help one of my models. 34 00:01:41,899 --> 00:01:43,134 Ooh, don't forget the cooler. 35 00:01:43,167 --> 00:01:45,102 I won't forget the cooler. 36 00:01:45,134 --> 00:01:46,703 Mommy is so good at her job, 37 00:01:46,736 --> 00:01:48,806 that she has to work on Saturdays. 38 00:01:48,839 --> 00:01:50,574 Now Daddy is gonna do his job, 39 00:01:50,607 --> 00:01:53,430 because these braids are straight-up dock ropes. 40 00:01:53,455 --> 00:01:56,179 - Daddy, do the special braids. - I-I know. 41 00:01:56,212 --> 00:01:57,848 They're all... honey, they're all special. 42 00:01:57,881 --> 00:02:00,017 Ooh. I need a break. 43 00:02:00,050 --> 00:02:03,587 Ah! I cannot believe I let you talk me into this again. 44 00:02:03,619 --> 00:02:04,855 But we got to finish, 'cause Schmidt 45 00:02:04,887 --> 00:02:06,456 is gonna wonder where I am. 46 00:02:06,489 --> 00:02:07,758 Winston! 47 00:02:07,790 --> 00:02:09,794 You rotated the mattress without me? 48 00:02:09,826 --> 00:02:11,995 Again? That is my job. 49 00:02:12,020 --> 00:02:14,451 Uh, baby? Listen, you really shouldn't be carrying that. 50 00:02:14,498 --> 00:02:16,318 He's right. You should listen to your husband. I'll... oh. 51 00:02:16,357 --> 00:02:17,542 Don't eve... Just don't. 52 00:02:17,615 --> 00:02:18,828 I am seven months pregnant, 53 00:02:18,853 --> 00:02:20,962 and I will rotate as many mattresses as I want. 54 00:02:21,002 --> 00:02:22,570 Aly would prefer that the world treat her 55 00:02:22,603 --> 00:02:24,505 like she isn't pregnant. 56 00:02:24,539 --> 00:02:25,974 Oh, which reminds me. 57 00:02:26,006 --> 00:02:27,708 BellyShots e-mailed me. 58 00:02:27,742 --> 00:02:29,711 - Mm-mm. - Our pregnancy glamour photos are ready, 59 00:02:29,743 --> 00:02:31,979 and we got to pick one. 60 00:02:34,214 --> 00:02:35,984 So I'm mad at that. 61 00:02:36,016 --> 00:02:37,573 I mean, how'd they... 62 00:02:37,667 --> 00:02:39,119 how'd they get my e-mail? 63 00:02:42,189 --> 00:02:44,276 - Hey! - Wait! Before hugs, 64 00:02:44,315 --> 00:02:45,993 we have something we want you to see. 65 00:02:46,027 --> 00:02:47,595 - Uh-huh? - It's a big deal. 66 00:02:47,628 --> 00:02:49,898 We got in a Vespa accident! 67 00:02:49,931 --> 00:02:51,131 Oh... 68 00:02:51,165 --> 00:02:52,834 Look how much of my shin is missing! 69 00:02:52,867 --> 00:02:54,602 It's disgusting. 70 00:02:54,635 --> 00:02:56,104 Where'd your shin go, man? 71 00:02:56,136 --> 00:02:59,404 Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx www.addic7ed.com 72 00:03:05,913 --> 00:03:08,148 Feminist icons... very sophisticated theme. 73 00:03:08,182 --> 00:03:10,452 At my third birthday party, the theme was hamburgers. 74 00:03:10,485 --> 00:03:12,754 Well, Ruth asked for Wonder Woman, so I ran with it, 75 00:03:12,786 --> 00:03:14,922 because this party has got to be perfect. 76 00:03:14,956 --> 00:03:16,524 You remember her first birthday. 77 00:03:22,663 --> 00:03:24,728 Which led to a downtick in attendance 78 00:03:24,768 --> 00:03:26,066 at her second birthday. 79 00:03:26,099 --> 00:03:27,968 His greatest trick 80 00:03:28,338 --> 00:03:31,150 was making us remember. 81 00:03:31,272 --> 00:03:32,540 So this year, I invited every three-year-old 82 00:03:32,572 --> 00:03:33,952 in a ten-mile radius. 83 00:03:33,983 --> 00:03:36,044 And now you can relax and enjoy your daughter's birthday party? 84 00:03:36,076 --> 00:03:38,045 Yeah. Uh, sure. 85 00:03:38,078 --> 00:03:40,014 "Relax and enjoy." 86 00:03:40,046 --> 00:03:41,782 - You keep me young, Cece. - Mm. 87 00:03:41,815 --> 00:03:44,718 Thanks. Ten years in marketing, three years in fatherhood 88 00:03:44,743 --> 00:03:46,458 and six months of planning this party, I feel like 89 00:03:46,483 --> 00:03:48,790 my entire life has been leading up to this very moment. 90 00:03:48,822 --> 00:03:50,791 - I'm gonna go set up the booze. - Oh, no, no, no. 91 00:03:50,825 --> 00:03:52,026 Booze is a last resort. 92 00:03:52,058 --> 00:03:53,228 It is shocking how much 93 00:03:53,260 --> 00:03:54,729 parents drink at these things. 94 00:03:54,754 --> 00:03:56,831 Last week, I saw a drunk mommy take a... 95 00:03:56,863 --> 00:03:58,866 take a boom boom in the bounce house. 96 00:03:58,899 --> 00:04:00,902 - It was horrifying. - Ugh. 97 00:04:00,934 --> 00:04:03,271 If you'll excuse me, I see a little boy over there 98 00:04:03,303 --> 00:04:05,539 who doesn't understand the meaning of "upscale casual." 99 00:04:05,572 --> 00:04:07,491 Okay. 100 00:04:07,577 --> 00:04:09,076 He made that Pocahummus from scratch? 101 00:04:09,110 --> 00:04:10,979 - Mm-hmm. - Oh, he's never going back to work. 102 00:04:11,012 --> 00:04:12,247 - Can I tell you something? - Mm. 103 00:04:12,279 --> 00:04:13,681 I really thought you were gonna come back 104 00:04:13,714 --> 00:04:14,983 - from Europe engaged. - Yeah. 105 00:04:15,015 --> 00:04:16,551 It would've been nice if he'd proposed, 106 00:04:16,584 --> 00:04:17,485 but you know what happens 107 00:04:17,519 --> 00:04:18,901 when we start talking about the future... 108 00:04:18,926 --> 00:04:20,221 we start freaking out. 109 00:04:20,246 --> 00:04:21,723 If the bird's stomach's full of bread, 110 00:04:21,755 --> 00:04:22,932 don't give him cheese crackers. 111 00:04:22,957 --> 00:04:24,944 Can't not say it: love the nose ring. 112 00:04:24,975 --> 00:04:25,905 Yeah, it was a big mistake. 113 00:04:25,929 --> 00:04:27,583 - Huge. - But not as huge as the neck tattoo. 114 00:04:27,608 --> 00:04:28,880 - The what now? - Yeah, neck tattoo. 115 00:04:28,912 --> 00:04:29,881 I've been telling people 116 00:04:29,914 --> 00:04:32,550 it stands for "Justice Shall Eventually..." 117 00:04:32,583 --> 00:04:34,085 son of a bitch! 118 00:04:34,118 --> 00:04:35,106 Is that who I think it is? 119 00:04:35,131 --> 00:04:36,654 You invited Russell? 120 00:04:36,686 --> 00:04:37,955 - My Russell? - Mm-hmm. 121 00:04:37,989 --> 00:04:39,524 My former Russell, my Fancyman? 122 00:04:39,556 --> 00:04:40,758 Yeah, his son's in Ruth's tumbling class. 123 00:04:40,791 --> 00:04:42,060 Russell has a three-year-old? 124 00:04:42,092 --> 00:04:43,629 That polecat doesn't stop. 125 00:04:43,668 --> 00:04:44,669 How many kids is that? 126 00:04:44,695 --> 00:04:46,664 50. From a hundred different women. 127 00:04:46,696 --> 00:04:48,599 - Figure that one out. - Russell. 128 00:04:50,171 --> 00:04:52,655 Hey, Jess. You look great. 129 00:04:55,210 --> 00:04:57,513 Babe, there is a helium tank. 130 00:04:57,569 --> 00:04:59,311 Why are you doing balloons by mouth? 131 00:04:59,374 --> 00:05:00,804 Eh, I should've said that differently. 132 00:05:00,845 --> 00:05:03,614 Because I can. 133 00:05:03,647 --> 00:05:06,140 Listen, Snail Eyes, I love that I'm bringing a child 134 00:05:06,165 --> 00:05:08,345 - into this world with you. - That is the sweetest thing... 135 00:05:08,370 --> 00:05:11,128 That is the only thing I love about being pregnant. 136 00:05:11,153 --> 00:05:12,956 Everything else, I hate. 137 00:05:12,989 --> 00:05:14,591 My butt is sore, my back is sore. 138 00:05:14,624 --> 00:05:16,693 I spend most of my day holding in farts. 139 00:05:16,727 --> 00:05:17,996 So you're gonna have to pick a pregnancy photo 140 00:05:18,020 --> 00:05:19,434 all by yourself, Winston. 141 00:05:19,489 --> 00:05:21,698 I would rather look at Nick's shin X-rays again. 142 00:05:21,732 --> 00:05:23,547 I'll go to the car and get them. 143 00:05:23,593 --> 00:05:25,594 Oh, hey, Nick. Listen, um... 144 00:05:25,635 --> 00:05:27,705 I need your help picking a pregnancy photo. 145 00:05:27,737 --> 00:05:29,239 They're all so beautiful. 146 00:05:29,266 --> 00:05:31,142 - I can't decide. - You came to the right man. 147 00:05:34,591 --> 00:05:36,914 Look... skip through those. 148 00:05:37,216 --> 00:05:38,698 Well, there's your winner, right there. 149 00:05:38,723 --> 00:05:39,823 It's pretty obvious. 150 00:05:39,848 --> 00:05:41,251 But I will, okay? 151 00:05:41,284 --> 00:05:43,821 Very disappointing that you didn't bring a real monkey. 152 00:05:43,854 --> 00:05:46,791 What the hell is that? You let him grow a mustache? 153 00:05:46,823 --> 00:05:50,093 - Relax. It's just a mustache. - That's not just a mustache. 154 00:05:50,126 --> 00:05:52,772 That's a porn star relief pitcher. 155 00:05:52,812 --> 00:05:53,842 I gotta say something. 156 00:05:53,866 --> 00:05:54,997 - I got to say something. - Hey, Nick. 157 00:05:54,998 --> 00:05:56,200 Hey. You're gonna tell him you hate it 158 00:05:56,232 --> 00:05:57,734 - on his daughter's birthday? - What do you 159 00:05:57,768 --> 00:05:59,270 want me to do? You know he's gonna ask about it. 160 00:05:59,302 --> 00:06:01,004 Be cool. Okay? 161 00:06:01,037 --> 00:06:02,907 We'll practice. 162 00:06:02,939 --> 00:06:04,207 Neck! 163 00:06:04,241 --> 00:06:06,010 Do you favor my moose-tache? 164 00:06:06,042 --> 00:06:07,311 - I hate it. - You'll be fine. 165 00:06:07,345 --> 00:06:08,845 Okay. Okay. 166 00:06:08,878 --> 00:06:11,181 - Hey, welcome back. - Yeah. Thanks. 167 00:06:11,215 --> 00:06:14,051 - Good to see you. - Yep. 168 00:06:15,251 --> 00:06:17,054 So? 169 00:06:17,087 --> 00:06:18,756 So? 170 00:06:18,789 --> 00:06:20,692 See anything new? 171 00:06:20,724 --> 00:06:22,059 No. 172 00:06:22,092 --> 00:06:24,061 - On me? On my face? - Oh! 173 00:06:24,095 --> 00:06:25,597 Y-You mean the mustache. 174 00:06:25,630 --> 00:06:26,631 Any thoughts? 175 00:06:29,066 --> 00:06:31,068 I hate it. 176 00:06:38,809 --> 00:06:41,345 You don't... you don't mean that. 177 00:06:41,378 --> 00:06:43,509 You've had a long journey, you need to rest. 178 00:06:43,540 --> 00:06:45,690 Let's talk again when you've had some rest. 179 00:06:45,715 --> 00:06:47,684 All right. Welcome back. 180 00:06:47,717 --> 00:06:49,186 All right, man. 181 00:06:49,220 --> 00:06:51,289 Because of a pending Justice Department investigation, 182 00:06:51,321 --> 00:06:53,924 I can't tell you why I left Banyon Canyon. 183 00:06:53,958 --> 00:06:56,126 But I can tell you European Jess is a lot more fun 184 00:06:56,159 --> 00:06:57,861 than State's Witness Jess. 185 00:06:57,895 --> 00:06:59,229 It sounds to me like you need a job. 186 00:06:59,263 --> 00:07:00,864 You should come work for me. 187 00:07:00,897 --> 00:07:04,736 I don't actually know what it is you do. 188 00:07:04,768 --> 00:07:06,804 God, I was a terrible girlfriend. 189 00:07:06,837 --> 00:07:07,872 Anyway, Nick and I leave 190 00:07:07,905 --> 00:07:09,223 for the South American leg 191 00:07:09,248 --> 00:07:10,807 of his book tour soon. 192 00:07:10,840 --> 00:07:13,035 In Peru, they call Pepperwood 193 00:07:13,098 --> 00:07:15,187 El Gumbo Federalé. 194 00:07:15,212 --> 00:07:17,248 Wait, Nick? You're still together? 195 00:07:17,280 --> 00:07:19,249 I've been married and divorced twice since I last saw you. 196 00:07:19,282 --> 00:07:22,085 Yeah, well, you know, we haven't been together the whole time. 197 00:07:22,119 --> 00:07:24,388 We've had ups and downs, and twists and turns, 198 00:07:24,422 --> 00:07:26,023 but about three years ago, we figured it out 199 00:07:26,056 --> 00:07:27,357 and we've been together ever since. 200 00:07:27,390 --> 00:07:29,994 Sometimes it just takes dating your cousin 201 00:07:30,027 --> 00:07:32,697 for things to really fall into place. 202 00:07:32,729 --> 00:07:34,831 Wow. And you're not engaged? 203 00:07:34,864 --> 00:07:36,234 Well, we just take things day by day. 204 00:07:36,267 --> 00:07:37,586 You know, don't want to rush it. 205 00:07:37,611 --> 00:07:39,404 That's right. You've always had that problem. 206 00:07:39,429 --> 00:07:42,098 I'm sorry, what do you mean? 207 00:07:42,138 --> 00:07:43,077 Well, you and Nick. 208 00:07:43,102 --> 00:07:45,075 You were always terrified of moving forward. 209 00:07:47,744 --> 00:07:48,986 Oh, my God. 210 00:07:49,011 --> 00:07:51,314 Did you ask me before, like, when we were talking, 211 00:07:51,347 --> 00:07:52,635 if we were engaged? 212 00:07:52,660 --> 00:07:55,086 'Cause yes, the answer is yes. We are engaged. 213 00:07:55,119 --> 00:07:56,953 There was a ring and everything, 214 00:07:56,986 --> 00:07:59,636 and-and thank God, because it was the only thing 215 00:07:59,675 --> 00:08:02,727 holding my finger to my hand for the entire 216 00:08:02,760 --> 00:08:05,763 18-hour ambulance ride to the hospital in Warsaw. 217 00:08:05,796 --> 00:08:09,034 So suck on that. Right, Billie Jean King? 218 00:08:12,384 --> 00:08:14,254 - This party is a disaster. - I know. 219 00:08:14,287 --> 00:08:16,235 Our guests have no questions for the panel. 220 00:08:17,723 --> 00:08:18,858 Wait, no, wait, look. 221 00:08:20,346 --> 00:08:22,649 - This is for anyone. - Mm-hmm. 222 00:08:22,699 --> 00:08:24,668 Daddy's butt? 223 00:08:27,277 --> 00:08:29,058 It's just, this is the first birthday party 224 00:08:29,097 --> 00:08:30,906 that our daughter is actually going to remember. 225 00:08:30,939 --> 00:08:32,227 If it's anything less than perfect, 226 00:08:32,252 --> 00:08:33,910 I'm going to hire a professional samurai 227 00:08:33,943 --> 00:08:36,313 - to chop me in half. - That seems proportional. 228 00:08:36,367 --> 00:08:37,387 Okay, fine. You know what? You're right. 229 00:08:37,412 --> 00:08:39,211 - Let's break out the booze. - Thank you. 230 00:08:39,236 --> 00:08:41,251 Put some toilet tissue in the bounce house. 231 00:08:41,284 --> 00:08:44,130 Vodka Soda-Mayor. Right here. 232 00:08:44,193 --> 00:08:46,556 Here you go, sir. A Rosé the Riveter. 233 00:08:47,450 --> 00:08:50,526 A Ruth Bader Gin-sberg. I did that one. 234 00:08:50,559 --> 00:08:52,088 You two have a good time. Have a good time. 235 00:08:52,113 --> 00:08:53,207 All right. 236 00:08:56,732 --> 00:08:57,901 Oh... 237 00:08:59,901 --> 00:09:01,304 Hey, bub. What's the holdup? 238 00:09:01,337 --> 00:09:02,439 It's been six months 239 00:09:02,472 --> 00:09:03,906 since I gave you my blessing. 240 00:09:03,939 --> 00:09:05,809 When am I gonna hear my daughter cry? 241 00:09:05,842 --> 00:09:09,215 Huh? I think I deserve to hear my daughter cry. 242 00:09:09,240 --> 00:09:10,579 Bob, I'm proposing tonight. 243 00:09:10,612 --> 00:09:12,549 I've been planning on doing it all along 244 00:09:12,582 --> 00:09:14,451 - when we got back home to the loft. - The loft? 245 00:09:14,483 --> 00:09:16,819 You visit every possible 246 00:09:16,853 --> 00:09:19,955 romantic proposal spot on the planet, 247 00:09:19,988 --> 00:09:21,324 and you pick that dump? 248 00:09:21,357 --> 00:09:23,526 Because it's where we met, Bob. 249 00:09:23,559 --> 00:09:25,594 Look, I've got a whole plan. I haven't told anybody. 250 00:09:25,627 --> 00:09:27,930 So I mailed the ring from Europe. 251 00:09:27,963 --> 00:09:30,266 So when we're looking at the mail, I'll say, like, 252 00:09:30,300 --> 00:09:31,700 "Check this one out. This one's from Turkey. 253 00:09:31,733 --> 00:09:33,402 You should open it, Jess." 254 00:09:33,435 --> 00:09:35,405 You mailed my grandmother's ring from Turkey? 255 00:09:35,438 --> 00:09:37,607 I hired an Au pair. He was going there, anyhow. 256 00:09:37,640 --> 00:09:39,506 - A male Au pair? - Yes, a boy Au pair. 257 00:09:39,531 --> 00:09:41,578 Look, look, I better get a phone call tonight 258 00:09:41,611 --> 00:09:43,847 with the news that my daughter 259 00:09:43,880 --> 00:09:45,949 - has a fiancé. - Bob... 260 00:09:45,982 --> 00:09:48,985 I don't even care if it's not you. Okay? 261 00:09:49,017 --> 00:09:50,353 So you told Russell you're engaged. 262 00:09:50,394 --> 00:09:52,496 Well, that's simple. I'll just tell him that I'm engaged, 263 00:09:52,521 --> 00:09:53,956 so what was once interesting 264 00:09:53,989 --> 00:09:55,858 will now become commonplace. 265 00:09:55,891 --> 00:09:57,526 I'm so mad at myself. 266 00:09:57,559 --> 00:09:59,862 But he was hectoring me. I felt completely hectored. 267 00:09:59,896 --> 00:10:01,964 Forgot about "hector." That's a good word, real good word. 268 00:10:01,997 --> 00:10:03,666 Which reminds me, um, 269 00:10:03,699 --> 00:10:06,665 may I hector you to pick a favorite? 270 00:10:07,737 --> 00:10:10,774 Hmm. Aw. Easy. 271 00:10:10,806 --> 00:10:11,882 - This one. - Oh, nice. 272 00:10:11,907 --> 00:10:12,909 - I have to fix this. - Okay. 273 00:10:12,941 --> 00:10:14,076 If Nick finds out 274 00:10:14,109 --> 00:10:15,811 that I told Russell we're engaged, 275 00:10:15,844 --> 00:10:18,480 he's gonna spin out, and he'll tell me he's fine, 276 00:10:18,513 --> 00:10:21,383 then I'll get a call a week later with him on a bus, 277 00:10:21,416 --> 00:10:23,752 crying somewhere, and he's gonna ask me to marry him. 278 00:10:23,785 --> 00:10:25,487 And then I'll never know if he wanted to marry me 279 00:10:25,521 --> 00:10:27,623 or if he just asked me 'cause I lied to my ex 280 00:10:27,648 --> 00:10:29,091 at a children's birthday party. 281 00:10:29,125 --> 00:10:31,528 - That was a lot. - You know what? 282 00:10:31,560 --> 00:10:33,062 I just need to march right up to Russell 283 00:10:33,096 --> 00:10:34,397 and I need to tell him the truth. 284 00:10:34,430 --> 00:10:35,464 - Yeah. - I can do that. 285 00:10:35,497 --> 00:10:36,565 I've been to Europe. 286 00:10:36,598 --> 00:10:37,733 I can do anything. 287 00:10:37,766 --> 00:10:39,845 - Hey, Mr. Europe. - Hey, man. 288 00:10:39,870 --> 00:10:41,805 You know, I thought you were gonna propose for sure. 289 00:10:41,838 --> 00:10:42,906 - I was waiting for it. - Yeah. 290 00:10:42,939 --> 00:10:44,947 Uh? Look who it is. 291 00:10:44,972 --> 00:10:47,010 It's Mr. Sun. 292 00:10:50,829 --> 00:10:53,817 I tell you, I was sure 293 00:10:53,849 --> 00:10:56,552 That you were gonna pop the question. 294 00:10:56,585 --> 00:11:00,164 Instead, you just sent me a bunch of Instagram pictures. 295 00:11:00,200 --> 00:11:03,104 Pasta, bread, 296 00:11:03,135 --> 00:11:06,411 cheese, sorts of nonsense really. 297 00:11:06,450 --> 00:11:08,614 - I mean, I get it, you're in Europe. - You have to know that's disgusting. 298 00:11:08,654 --> 00:11:10,489 Relax. It'll soak in. 299 00:11:10,521 --> 00:11:11,756 No, not the sunscreen. The mustache. 300 00:11:11,789 --> 00:11:13,767 Your mustache is disgusting. 301 00:11:13,792 --> 00:11:15,761 - Stop touching it. - I'm rubbing it in. 302 00:11:15,794 --> 00:11:17,329 You're just doing the mustache. Just... 303 00:11:18,831 --> 00:11:20,800 If you hate my mustache, sir, then you hate me. 304 00:11:20,833 --> 00:11:22,501 That's not true. I just don't like the mustache. 305 00:11:22,534 --> 00:11:24,370 It never would've happened if I was here! 306 00:11:24,403 --> 00:11:25,538 It never would've happened! 307 00:11:25,570 --> 00:11:26,905 Don't make this about the mustache! 308 00:11:28,406 --> 00:11:29,775 Schmidt. 309 00:11:29,808 --> 00:11:32,544 Thank you. Yep. Mm-hmm. Uh, so, 310 00:11:32,578 --> 00:11:34,547 Timmy's mom just started climbing a tree 311 00:11:34,579 --> 00:11:35,647 with some very high heels 312 00:11:35,680 --> 00:11:36,915 and musical chairs is turning 313 00:11:36,948 --> 00:11:38,818 into an adult drinking game. 314 00:11:38,851 --> 00:11:40,785 - Darn it. - Yeah. 315 00:11:40,818 --> 00:11:43,521 Well, at least Ruth's having fun with Maya Angelou. 316 00:11:43,554 --> 00:11:48,660 Bubblegum, bubblegum, in a dish. 317 00:11:48,693 --> 00:11:50,128 Okay, you know what, maybe you're right. 318 00:11:50,161 --> 00:11:51,830 Let's get rid of the booze before everybody goes 319 00:11:51,863 --> 00:11:53,531 from children's-birthday-party drunk 320 00:11:53,564 --> 00:11:55,434 - to Winston-and-Aly's-wedding drunk. - -Mm. 321 00:11:55,467 --> 00:11:57,136 ? Groove on, before you go ? 322 00:11:57,169 --> 00:11:58,404 Go! Go! Go! 323 00:11:58,437 --> 00:12:00,597 Oh! Oh, come on, man. 324 00:12:00,622 --> 00:12:02,808 You see, this is why we need a referee. 325 00:12:02,841 --> 00:12:04,844 Give me my chair! 326 00:12:04,876 --> 00:12:07,592 - Russell, I need to come clean. - Hey, you two. 327 00:12:07,623 --> 00:12:08,583 - Hey. - Oh, hey, Nick. 328 00:12:08,608 --> 00:12:09,725 - Nick, congratulations. - Hey. 329 00:12:09,750 --> 00:12:12,016 Thank you, thank you. Yeah, MagaTween Magazine is calling it 330 00:12:12,049 --> 00:12:13,852 "This year's longest Pepperwood." 331 00:12:13,886 --> 00:12:15,538 No, I meant about the proposal. 332 00:12:15,563 --> 00:12:16,975 Ah, you are such a sweetheart. 333 00:12:17,000 --> 00:12:18,857 Nobody ever talks about my book proposals. 334 00:12:18,890 --> 00:12:20,311 So, thank you. Some of my best work. 335 00:12:20,336 --> 00:12:22,389 No, Nick, I just wanted to congratulate you 336 00:12:22,414 --> 00:12:23,420 on your engagement. 337 00:12:23,462 --> 00:12:26,832 The Rio de Janeiro Civic Center next month. 338 00:12:26,865 --> 00:12:28,467 That sounds cool. Can I come? 339 00:12:28,500 --> 00:12:30,436 - I'm in and out of Rio all the time. - It's sold out. 340 00:12:30,468 --> 00:12:32,537 - It's all full? - Mm, maybe next time. Look, 341 00:12:32,570 --> 00:12:34,873 Nick, I just wanted to tell you how happy I am 342 00:12:34,906 --> 00:12:36,817 that you're finally getting married. 343 00:12:39,044 --> 00:12:42,982 Aw, screw it. Nick, I'm sorry, I told Russell we're engaged. 344 00:12:44,650 --> 00:12:45,717 - That's not cool, man! - No, you're... 345 00:12:45,751 --> 00:12:46,952 Settle down! Settle down 346 00:12:46,985 --> 00:12:48,454 or I'm gonna turn off the music! 347 00:12:48,487 --> 00:12:49,855 Try playing musical chairs with no music! 348 00:12:49,887 --> 00:12:51,723 It's just chairs. 349 00:12:54,626 --> 00:12:55,995 What are you doing? 350 00:12:59,063 --> 00:13:00,732 Hey! 351 00:13:00,765 --> 00:13:03,035 GUEST: Oh, she's pregnant. 352 00:13:04,903 --> 00:13:06,973 Stop treating me special! 353 00:13:09,208 --> 00:13:11,477 Ooh... whoo! 354 00:13:11,510 --> 00:13:13,112 - Nick, I can explain. - Look out. 355 00:13:17,538 --> 00:13:20,008 I'm sorry, Jess, she came out of nowhere. 356 00:13:20,440 --> 00:13:23,299 - Hey, are you okay? - Yeah, no, I'm okay. 357 00:13:23,369 --> 00:13:26,799 I'm so sorry about what I did. I just, I feel so stupid. 358 00:13:26,908 --> 00:13:29,338 I was just defensive and we're happy the way we are. 359 00:13:29,385 --> 00:13:31,423 I don't want you to get in your head and think we're not happy. 360 00:13:31,478 --> 00:13:33,214 No, I don't, I'm great. 361 00:13:33,247 --> 00:13:36,101 Jess, you do not have to worry about ol' Nicky Blue Eyes. 362 00:13:36,126 --> 00:13:37,790 I'm good. 363 00:13:37,822 --> 00:13:40,094 You told Russell we're engaged, that's hilarious. 364 00:13:40,149 --> 00:13:41,735 - Friggin' hilarious. - Really? You're not in your head? 365 00:13:41,790 --> 00:13:43,190 Because you kind of seem like you are. 366 00:13:43,223 --> 00:13:44,703 I'm good. We cool. Are you cool? 367 00:13:44,728 --> 00:13:46,597 - Yeah. - Table for two at the We Cool café. 368 00:13:46,629 --> 00:13:48,131 This is hilarious. 369 00:13:48,164 --> 00:13:51,101 - If you say so. - I say so. 370 00:13:51,134 --> 00:13:53,504 Cool. I'm gonna go lie on Ruth's bed and pretend I'm a giant. 371 00:13:53,537 --> 00:13:56,507 Like a friggin' giant. 372 00:13:58,742 --> 00:14:01,645 Wow, this got away from us fast. 373 00:14:01,677 --> 00:14:04,114 Oh, excuse me. Where is Schmidt? 374 00:14:04,148 --> 00:14:06,383 What could possibly be more important? 375 00:14:06,417 --> 00:14:09,253 I know why you hate my mustache. 376 00:14:09,286 --> 00:14:12,690 You look at me and see a stay-at-home father. 377 00:14:12,723 --> 00:14:16,093 Just like I look at you and see a globe-trotting author 378 00:14:16,125 --> 00:14:18,495 who has thrice appeared on Book TV's 379 00:14:18,528 --> 00:14:20,813 - Watchu Readin' with PP Jilbi. - Yeah. 380 00:14:20,838 --> 00:14:22,566 Have our lives changed? Yeah, sure they have. 381 00:14:22,599 --> 00:14:25,805 - But, like my mustache... - There's no deeper level. 382 00:14:25,830 --> 00:14:26,879 I don't like your mustache 383 00:14:26,904 --> 00:14:28,038 because I think it looks ugly on your face. 384 00:14:28,071 --> 00:14:29,273 There's always a deeper level, Nick. 385 00:14:29,306 --> 00:14:31,075 - There's no deeper level. - There's always a deeper level, Nick! 386 00:14:31,108 --> 00:14:32,980 That's what I'm saying, there's no deeper level! 387 00:14:33,005 --> 00:14:35,003 There's always a deeper level, Nick! 388 00:14:39,349 --> 00:14:40,551 Fine, Schmidt. 389 00:14:40,584 --> 00:14:41,719 I hate your mustache 390 00:14:41,752 --> 00:14:44,188 because I miss your upper lip. Okay? 391 00:14:44,220 --> 00:14:47,490 You happy now? 392 00:14:47,523 --> 00:14:50,594 No, Nick, not happy now. 393 00:14:50,627 --> 00:14:53,698 Happy forever. 394 00:14:56,444 --> 00:14:58,334 Ugh. I can't wait to lie down. 395 00:14:58,368 --> 00:14:59,983 What? Are you crazy? 396 00:15:00,038 --> 00:15:02,606 We got all this mail to open. Let's open it, I'll lay it out. 397 00:15:02,638 --> 00:15:04,508 But it's, like, 4:00 a.m. for us. 398 00:15:04,541 --> 00:15:07,210 And a grown woman just fell on me. 399 00:15:07,244 --> 00:15:09,713 Well, let's just open one to get the mailman off our backs. 400 00:15:09,745 --> 00:15:11,889 - Okay. - I mean, not that one. 401 00:15:11,914 --> 00:15:13,022 That's not the one to pick. 402 00:15:13,047 --> 00:15:15,350 Pick one that looks really cool and interesting, right? 403 00:15:15,375 --> 00:15:17,453 That one? Not that one. I'm gonna open this one. 404 00:15:17,521 --> 00:15:19,489 You want to open an appointment reminder from my gynecologist? 405 00:15:19,523 --> 00:15:20,644 Yes, of course I do. 406 00:15:20,669 --> 00:15:22,669 I like to keep track of you and what's going on with your thing. 407 00:15:22,708 --> 00:15:24,622 So just... pick one that... You know what, 408 00:15:24,660 --> 00:15:26,341 I'm gonna pick one. Do you mind if I pick one for you? 409 00:15:26,372 --> 00:15:28,075 Is that weird? I'll just pick one. 410 00:15:28,114 --> 00:15:29,867 H-How about this one? 411 00:15:29,899 --> 00:15:31,734 Oh, this one's from Turkey. How mysterious. 412 00:15:31,768 --> 00:15:33,303 You want to open that one? 413 00:15:33,336 --> 00:15:35,138 Sure. 414 00:15:41,391 --> 00:15:43,614 I'm gonna get that. Will you wait? 'Cause I'm-I'm... 415 00:15:43,657 --> 00:15:44,681 Just please wait. Thanks. 416 00:15:47,750 --> 00:15:49,619 Russell, what are you doing here? 417 00:15:49,653 --> 00:15:51,287 Well, I would've called, but my ex-wife 418 00:15:51,321 --> 00:15:53,490 deleted all the female numbers from my phone. 419 00:15:53,523 --> 00:15:55,002 Might've been nice to say good-bye 420 00:15:55,027 --> 00:15:56,660 to my aunt before she passed. 421 00:15:56,692 --> 00:15:59,562 Anyway, Jess. Uh, can we, uh... can we talk? 422 00:15:59,595 --> 00:16:00,986 Uh, we're a little bit busy. We're opening mail right now. 423 00:16:01,011 --> 00:16:02,298 It's only gonna take a minute, Nick. 424 00:16:02,331 --> 00:16:04,414 Sure. We'll be opening mail 425 00:16:04,439 --> 00:16:05,914 - before you know it. - But don't open that one. 426 00:16:05,939 --> 00:16:06,871 It might have a bomb in it. 427 00:16:06,903 --> 00:16:08,538 So... 428 00:16:08,571 --> 00:16:09,539 Okay. 429 00:16:09,572 --> 00:16:11,708 - Okay. Thanks. - Come on in. 430 00:16:11,742 --> 00:16:13,144 How'd you even know we still lived here? 431 00:16:13,177 --> 00:16:15,446 - I just knew. - Ooh. Russy. 432 00:16:16,662 --> 00:16:19,372 This used to be Nick's room, but now it's his home office. 433 00:16:19,435 --> 00:16:22,462 Listen, about earlier today, when I lied about me and Nick... 434 00:16:22,502 --> 00:16:25,205 Jess, I don't think I can spend another second of my day 435 00:16:25,238 --> 00:16:27,708 and possibly my life talking about you and Nick. 436 00:16:27,740 --> 00:16:30,675 Oh. Most people find us adorable, but okay. 437 00:16:30,700 --> 00:16:31,701 Come to work for me. 438 00:16:31,726 --> 00:16:32,979 I was being serious earlier. 439 00:16:33,012 --> 00:16:35,355 I've spent a year looking for the right person, 440 00:16:35,380 --> 00:16:36,805 and I think you'd be perfect. 441 00:16:36,830 --> 00:16:38,985 I know you're planning a trip, so hear me out. 442 00:16:39,018 --> 00:16:40,987 - I'd... - Wait. 443 00:16:41,012 --> 00:16:44,088 I don't know what you do, still. 444 00:16:44,120 --> 00:16:47,494 Yes. I was going to cover that in the "hear me out" portion. 445 00:16:47,527 --> 00:16:49,930 I think at our kid's party, we go cash bar. 446 00:16:49,955 --> 00:16:52,077 Cash bar would solve a lot of problems. 447 00:16:52,102 --> 00:16:54,467 Yeah. Coach, listen, I'm still waiting for your vote for those pictures 448 00:16:54,501 --> 00:16:55,959 that I sent you, so... 449 00:16:55,990 --> 00:16:57,703 Winston, just pick your favorite. 450 00:16:57,728 --> 00:17:00,165 Baby, they're all my favorite. Why can't you see 451 00:17:00,212 --> 00:17:01,493 that you being pregnant has made you 452 00:17:01,535 --> 00:17:02,984 more beautiful than ever? 453 00:17:04,392 --> 00:17:06,747 You know what? Fine. I'll pick one, okay? 454 00:17:13,887 --> 00:17:15,822 Oh, my God, I am beautiful. 455 00:17:17,023 --> 00:17:19,391 Mother Earth. Creator. Giver of life. 456 00:17:19,425 --> 00:17:20,427 Give that life. 457 00:17:20,459 --> 00:17:22,667 I'm a walking miracle with magic inside. 458 00:17:22,722 --> 00:17:23,956 Well, I mean, it happens to a lot of people, 459 00:17:23,990 --> 00:17:25,258 so it's not really a miracle, but I get it. 460 00:17:25,291 --> 00:17:28,360 Look at that body. And there's a human inside of it? 461 00:17:28,394 --> 00:17:31,263 - Yeah. - Why have you been so casual about that? 462 00:17:31,297 --> 00:17:32,665 This is crazy, babe. 463 00:17:32,697 --> 00:17:34,600 W-What are you doing just sitting there? 464 00:17:34,634 --> 00:17:37,061 Get a chair. Help me get off my feet. 465 00:17:37,092 --> 00:17:39,071 I've got the beginning of our family in here. 466 00:17:40,249 --> 00:17:42,083 Baby, can I get you anything? 467 00:17:42,115 --> 00:17:44,126 - Anything at all? - Yes! 468 00:17:44,165 --> 00:17:45,333 Like what? 469 00:17:45,366 --> 00:17:47,805 - Everything. - Coming right up. 470 00:17:47,845 --> 00:17:49,180 Bye, Russell. 471 00:17:49,375 --> 00:17:51,465 Hey. Did he like my home office? 472 00:17:51,528 --> 00:17:54,175 Yes. He said it reminded him of his home office. 473 00:17:54,209 --> 00:17:56,823 Well, that's because I copied his home office exactly. 474 00:17:56,848 --> 00:17:58,995 - Uh, now onto the mail. - Oh, wait. 475 00:17:59,020 --> 00:18:00,644 He offered me a job. He's starting 476 00:18:00,676 --> 00:18:02,823 an education-based nonprofit and wants me to run it. 477 00:18:02,848 --> 00:18:03,831 But I wouldn't be able to go 478 00:18:03,856 --> 00:18:05,387 - with you to South America. - Who cares? 479 00:18:05,412 --> 00:18:07,174 You should take that job. It's a big opportunity. 480 00:18:07,199 --> 00:18:08,690 Do you want to open the mail? Let's just see what's inside. 481 00:18:08,715 --> 00:18:09,692 - Just open it. - Okay. 482 00:18:09,724 --> 00:18:11,193 I'm wondering if you'll get excited. 483 00:18:11,225 --> 00:18:12,252 Oh, come on. 484 00:18:12,276 --> 00:18:13,813 Sorry, we have to do the cake at your house. 485 00:18:13,838 --> 00:18:15,274 Someone stole all our knives. 486 00:18:15,299 --> 00:18:17,445 - Hi, Uncle Nick. - And a nightstand. 487 00:18:17,470 --> 00:18:19,312 Uh, I'm sorry, you guys can't be here. 488 00:18:19,337 --> 00:18:20,750 We're opening mail right now. 489 00:18:20,775 --> 00:18:23,070 Nick's really into mail all of a sudden. 490 00:18:23,095 --> 00:18:24,940 You never know what Europe's gonna do to a guy. 491 00:18:24,972 --> 00:18:27,715 Yeah, so... Oh, you've got to be kidding me. 492 00:18:27,740 --> 00:18:30,846 You guys will never believe what's happening right now. 493 00:18:30,878 --> 00:18:32,473 Okay, fine, I'll tell you. 494 00:18:32,498 --> 00:18:34,275 Aly is taking a nap. 495 00:18:34,330 --> 00:18:37,066 I was watching her, and then I left, and... 496 00:18:38,610 --> 00:18:40,379 That's one big-ass cake. 497 00:18:40,411 --> 00:18:42,252 I guess we're gonna open mail in front of everybody. 498 00:18:43,380 --> 00:18:45,950 Great. Uh... 499 00:18:45,984 --> 00:18:47,285 Jess, you want to go ahead? 500 00:18:47,319 --> 00:18:48,460 Yeah. 501 00:18:48,485 --> 00:18:51,538 I just want to say we really missed you guys. 502 00:18:51,585 --> 00:18:54,593 And Nick, I don't need to be married to know who we are. 503 00:18:54,626 --> 00:18:56,265 - Really? - Really. 504 00:18:56,313 --> 00:18:58,062 I love you, and I love our life together, 505 00:18:58,103 --> 00:18:59,841 and I don't want anything to change. 506 00:18:59,866 --> 00:19:01,890 And the moment that someone suggested 507 00:19:01,921 --> 00:19:04,866 that we weren't where we should be, I went crazy. 508 00:19:04,929 --> 00:19:06,338 Because we're great. 509 00:19:06,370 --> 00:19:08,072 And why risk messing that up? 510 00:19:08,942 --> 00:19:10,444 We don't need to get married, 511 00:19:10,480 --> 00:19:12,792 and that's okay with us. Right, Nick? 512 00:19:14,269 --> 00:19:15,947 Yeah, right. 513 00:19:17,916 --> 00:19:19,484 So, let's see what Turkey wants. 514 00:19:19,516 --> 00:19:21,331 Ah, enough of that. Give me that. 515 00:19:21,356 --> 00:19:22,847 Who cares what Turkey wants? 516 00:19:22,872 --> 00:19:25,386 Cake beats mail. We got a hungry birthday girl 517 00:19:25,411 --> 00:19:26,399 right here, I don't want to bore her 518 00:19:26,424 --> 00:19:28,543 - with foreign mail. - I like mail. 519 00:19:28,574 --> 00:19:30,293 Oh, you don't know what you like. You're three years old. 520 00:19:31,996 --> 00:19:33,364 Excuse me. 521 00:19:33,398 --> 00:19:36,368 I got to go wash my hands. I've been in Europe. 522 00:19:36,880 --> 00:19:38,536 Is he suggesting 523 00:19:38,570 --> 00:19:42,107 that he hasn't washed his hands since Europe? 524 00:19:42,139 --> 00:19:43,274 Bob, I can't do it tonight. 525 00:19:45,310 --> 00:19:47,245 I'm sorry, but this thing 526 00:19:47,279 --> 00:19:49,181 has been ten years in the making, 527 00:19:49,214 --> 00:19:51,283 and everything about the proposal has to be perfect. 528 00:19:51,315 --> 00:19:53,284 - And I'll know when the time is right. - You know what? 529 00:19:53,318 --> 00:19:55,287 I'm rescinding my blessing. 530 00:19:55,320 --> 00:19:57,623 You want to marry my daughter? You got to resubmit 531 00:19:57,656 --> 00:19:59,524 for a new blessing. 532 00:19:59,556 --> 00:20:01,525 And it better be as good as the first time you asked. 533 00:20:01,559 --> 00:20:04,129 Okay. 534 00:20:04,684 --> 00:20:08,121 Bob, I am in love with your daughter, 535 00:20:08,229 --> 00:20:11,003 and I will be for the rest of my life. 536 00:20:12,002 --> 00:20:13,537 I want to ask her to marry me, 537 00:20:13,571 --> 00:20:16,041 but only with your blessing. 538 00:20:16,073 --> 00:20:19,645 All right, all right. Yeah, y-you got it. 539 00:20:19,677 --> 00:20:21,679 But this time there's a time limit on it. 540 00:20:21,713 --> 00:20:23,181 One month. You hear me? 541 00:20:23,214 --> 00:20:25,850 - One month! - One month. 542 00:20:29,720 --> 00:20:31,422 ? Happy birthday ? 543 00:20:31,456 --> 00:20:33,524 ? Dear Ruth ? 544 00:20:33,579 --> 00:20:37,258 ? Happy birthday to you ? 545 00:20:41,733 --> 00:20:43,432 Good job, baby. 546 00:20:43,457 --> 00:20:44,971 - Hey, hey. - Good job. 547 00:20:44,996 --> 00:20:47,606 ? Never lived for nobody ? 548 00:20:47,639 --> 00:20:50,141 ? But I live for you ? 549 00:20:50,175 --> 00:20:51,576 ? Ooh ? 550 00:20:51,609 --> 00:20:56,091 ? Babe, lost in love ? 551 00:20:56,116 --> 00:20:59,120 ? Is what I feel ? 552 00:20:59,145 --> 00:21:03,220 ? When I'm with you ? 553 00:21:04,456 --> 00:21:09,056 ? Maybe it's the way you touch me ? 554 00:21:09,103 --> 00:21:12,238 ? With the warmth of a sun ? 555 00:21:12,269 --> 00:21:15,466 ? Maybe it's the way you smile ? 556 00:21:15,508 --> 00:21:18,253 ? I come all undone ? 557 00:21:18,285 --> 00:21:20,438 ? Ooh, baby... ? 558 00:21:20,472 --> 00:21:23,075 It's so great having everyone back in the loft. 559 00:21:23,108 --> 00:21:25,210 I hope this never ends. 560 00:21:25,243 --> 00:21:27,446 ? Feel ? 561 00:21:27,478 --> 00:21:30,756 ? When I'm with you ? 562 00:21:30,780 --> 00:21:35,580 Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx www.addic7ed.com