1
00:00:06,889 --> 00:00:08,991
Dan?

2
00:00:09,054 --> 00:00:11,468
Dan!

3
00:00:11,522 --> 00:00:12,922
Dan!

4
00:00:12,924 --> 00:00:14,290
What?

5
00:00:20,565 --> 00:00:21,864
What happened?

6
00:00:21,866 --> 00:00:23,366
I thought you were dead.

7
00:00:23,369 --> 00:00:24,635
I was sleeping.

8
00:00:26,236 --> 00:00:28,369
Why does everybody
always think I'm dead?

9
00:00:29,807 --> 00:00:32,741
You looked happy. I
thought maybe you moved on.

10
00:00:37,648 --> 00:00:40,265
Oh, they're up.

11
00:00:40,268 --> 00:00:42,036
I know it's only been a week,

12
00:00:42,039 --> 00:00:44,318
but I just can't get used
to Darlene and her kids

13
00:00:44,320 --> 00:00:45,620
living in the house.

14
00:00:45,622 --> 00:00:47,755
I got no privacy.

15
00:00:47,757 --> 00:00:50,290
I can't even make my
Maxwell House naked,

16
00:00:50,292 --> 00:00:51,525
like God intended.

17
00:00:54,043 --> 00:00:55,476
Well, just 'cause they're up

18
00:00:55,479 --> 00:00:57,059
doesn't mean we have to give up,

19
00:00:57,062 --> 00:00:59,906
you know, pleasuring me.

20
00:01:02,837 --> 00:01:05,237
I don't know if we got time
for the full symphony of love,

21
00:01:05,240 --> 00:01:08,808
but I'm sure we can knock off
a few of the greatest hits.

22
00:01:12,648 --> 00:01:14,270
Brace yourself, Mother!

23
00:01:52,685 --> 00:01:55,652
"Roseanne" is taped in front
of a live studio audience.

24
00:01:56,784 --> 00:01:59,211
Candyman's home, babe.

25
00:01:59,213 --> 00:02:01,227
Ooh, my favorite... Drugs!

26
00:02:01,230 --> 00:02:02,362
Ah!

27
00:02:03,829 --> 00:02:05,460
What happened to the rest of our candy?

28
00:02:05,462 --> 00:02:06,729
Ha-ha. Funny story.

29
00:02:06,731 --> 00:02:08,731
Our insurance don't
cover what it used to,

30
00:02:08,733 --> 00:02:11,078
so I got half the drugs
for twice the price.

31
00:02:12,302 --> 00:02:13,735
What are we supposed to do?

32
00:02:13,738 --> 00:02:15,704
Well, tradesies.

33
00:02:15,707 --> 00:02:20,710
I'll trade you five of my statins...

34
00:02:20,712 --> 00:02:22,877
for five of your anti-inflammatories,

35
00:02:22,879 --> 00:02:24,813
and I'll sweeten the pot

36
00:02:24,815 --> 00:02:26,915
by throwing in a couple
of blood pressures.

37
00:02:26,917 --> 00:02:29,150
Did you get the pain
pills for my bad knee?

38
00:02:30,252 --> 00:02:31,569
Wouldn't be the Candyman

39
00:02:31,571 --> 00:02:33,170
without the sunshine, babe.

40
00:02:34,390 --> 00:02:37,658
Whoo! My babies.

41
00:02:37,660 --> 00:02:39,827
Did you get the anti-depressants?

42
00:02:39,829 --> 00:02:40,994
They're all yours.

43
00:02:40,996 --> 00:02:43,663
If you're not happy, I have
no chance of being happy.

44
00:02:44,834 --> 00:02:46,767
Morning, lovebirds.

45
00:02:48,095 --> 00:02:50,429
Uh, are you eating Peeps for breakfast?

46
00:02:50,432 --> 00:02:51,739
What's it to ya?

47
00:02:51,741 --> 00:02:53,406
Uh, I didn't quit my job and come home

48
00:02:53,408 --> 00:02:56,776
to watch you kill yourself
slowly, eating old Easter candy.

49
00:02:56,778 --> 00:02:58,845
Hey, I worked hard all my life,

50
00:02:58,847 --> 00:03:00,781
and if I want to eat
a marshmallow chicken

51
00:03:00,784 --> 00:03:03,950
for my breakfast, I think
it's my damn business.

52
00:03:03,952 --> 00:03:06,619
Well, like it or not, I'm
here to take care of you,

53
00:03:06,621 --> 00:03:08,195
and I can be as stubborn as you are.

54
00:03:08,198 --> 00:03:10,890
Did you remember to measure
your blood sugar this morning?

55
00:03:10,892 --> 00:03:13,225
Yup. Sweet as can be.

56
00:03:14,961 --> 00:03:18,796
Yeah, I guess that's why you
passed out at Walmart last month.

57
00:03:18,799 --> 00:03:23,135
No. That was because
their prices are so low.

58
00:03:24,537 --> 00:03:27,205
Dad, will you tell her
how stupid she's being?

59
00:03:27,207 --> 00:03:29,393
That's never worked out for me.

60
00:03:29,396 --> 00:03:31,441
And, you know, Mom, I
know you and Aunt Jackie

61
00:03:31,443 --> 00:03:32,442
are mad at each other,

62
00:03:32,444 --> 00:03:34,711
but this feud is getting
way out of control.

63
00:03:34,713 --> 00:03:37,047
You weren't here,
Darlene. You didn't see it.

64
00:03:37,049 --> 00:03:39,917
I mean, not only did she vote
for the worst person on Earth,

65
00:03:39,919 --> 00:03:42,386
but she was a real jerk about it, too.

66
00:03:42,388 --> 00:03:44,528
And now she's just ridiculous.

67
00:03:44,531 --> 00:03:46,265
Uh, she's ridiculous?

68
00:03:46,268 --> 00:03:48,600
You made a shrine to
her as if she's dead.

69
00:03:52,764 --> 00:03:55,165
Well, she's dead to me.

70
00:03:55,167 --> 00:03:56,966
And you better give me some credit

71
00:03:56,968 --> 00:03:58,802
'cause I said very nice things about her

72
00:03:58,804 --> 00:04:00,436
in her obituary.

73
00:04:01,346 --> 00:04:02,909
Morning, Granny Rose.

74
00:04:02,912 --> 00:04:03,806
Morning, Mark.

75
00:04:03,808 --> 00:04:04,840
Morning, Grandpa.

76
00:04:04,842 --> 00:04:06,275
Morning, son.

77
00:04:06,277 --> 00:04:08,410
Oh, come here. I got to fix your hair.

78
00:04:08,412 --> 00:04:10,612
You got a little piece sticking up.

79
00:04:10,614 --> 00:04:12,681
Darlene says just ignore it.

80
00:04:12,683 --> 00:04:14,549
He's "exploring."

81
00:04:16,453 --> 00:04:18,287
May the winds fill
his sails and carry him

82
00:04:18,289 --> 00:04:20,022
to the boy's section of Target.

83
00:04:22,959 --> 00:04:24,859
What you gonna have for breakfast, Mark?

84
00:04:24,861 --> 00:04:26,148
My mom always makes me

85
00:04:26,151 --> 00:04:28,429
blueberry waffles with real maple syrup.

86
00:04:28,431 --> 00:04:29,864
Cereal, you say?

87
00:04:31,667 --> 00:04:32,934
Don't get your hopes up.

88
00:04:32,936 --> 00:04:34,168
There's no waffles.

89
00:04:34,170 --> 00:04:36,037
How come you're always smiling?

90
00:04:36,039 --> 00:04:37,671
It's weird.

91
00:04:37,673 --> 00:04:38,972
- Hey.
- Hey.

92
00:04:38,974 --> 00:04:40,140
Can I have some money?

93
00:04:41,276 --> 00:04:43,210
I don't know. Mom,
can I have some money?

94
00:04:44,847 --> 00:04:47,113
I don't know. Can I have some money?

95
00:04:48,721 --> 00:04:50,650
You could've just said we were poor.

96
00:04:50,652 --> 00:04:52,219
I didn't need the routine.

97
00:04:52,221 --> 00:04:54,020
I'll be back for dinner.

98
00:04:54,022 --> 00:04:55,855
Whoa, you didn't tell
me you were going out.

99
00:04:55,857 --> 00:04:58,234
I need you to watch Mark.
I've got a job interview today.

100
00:04:58,237 --> 00:05:01,360
Come on. I made plans with
my one potential friend.

101
00:05:01,362 --> 00:05:03,128
I'm sorry, Harris, but I-I...

102
00:05:03,130 --> 00:05:04,705
Tag me in.

103
00:05:04,708 --> 00:05:06,131
You're babysittin'.

104
00:05:06,133 --> 00:05:07,499
Game over.

105
00:05:09,337 --> 00:05:11,536
This is so unfair.

106
00:05:11,538 --> 00:05:14,805
You're ruining my life! You all suck!

107
00:05:14,807 --> 00:05:16,607
I ain't seen that movie in 20 years.

108
00:05:21,547 --> 00:05:23,744
Oh, the classics really do hold up.

109
00:05:25,440 --> 00:05:26,517
Come on, Darlene,

110
00:05:26,519 --> 00:05:28,519
I'll give you a ride
to your job interview.

111
00:05:28,521 --> 00:05:31,175
All's you got to do is
open up your Uber app

112
00:05:31,178 --> 00:05:32,307
and request me.

113
00:05:35,027 --> 00:05:38,661
And it's surgin' 'cause I
know you really need a ride.

114
00:05:40,099 --> 00:05:41,365
Uh, yeah, I'm good.

115
00:05:41,367 --> 00:05:42,624
You're not gonna like this,

116
00:05:42,627 --> 00:05:45,202
but, uh, Aunt Jackie's picking me up.

117
00:05:45,204 --> 00:05:47,003
What?!

118
00:05:47,005 --> 00:05:51,007
How dare you invite her
here without asking me first.

119
00:05:51,009 --> 00:05:52,281
This is my house!

120
00:05:52,284 --> 00:05:54,043
Well, and she's my aunt.

121
00:05:54,046 --> 00:05:55,266
You know, I mean,

122
00:05:55,268 --> 00:05:56,913
she was an important
part of my childhood.

123
00:05:56,915 --> 00:05:58,948
I want that for my
kids. She was always fun.

124
00:05:58,950 --> 00:06:01,550
Everything's fun when you're a kid.

125
00:06:01,552 --> 00:06:04,052
You ever go to the circus as an adult?

126
00:06:05,621 --> 00:06:09,856
It's nothing but animals
getting beat and drunk clowns.

127
00:06:09,859 --> 00:06:13,061
Look, she promised that she would get
along, and knowing the both of you,

128
00:06:13,063 --> 00:06:15,103
I'm guessing you're the
one keeping this feud alive.

129
00:06:19,702 --> 00:06:21,330
What's up, deplorable?

130
00:06:26,340 --> 00:06:28,999
Okay, you guys have got
to talk this out civilly.

131
00:06:29,002 --> 00:06:30,824
Mom, Aunt Jackie's standing right here,

132
00:06:30,826 --> 00:06:33,126
- pussyhat in hand.
- Oh!

133
00:06:33,128 --> 00:06:35,314
I don't have time for this.

134
00:06:35,317 --> 00:06:37,616
Knee still giving you trouble, Roseanne?

135
00:06:37,619 --> 00:06:39,399
Why don't you get that fixed
with the new health care

136
00:06:39,401 --> 00:06:41,067
all you suckers got promised?

137
00:06:43,170 --> 00:06:46,772
It works good enough to
kick your ass, snowflake.

138
00:06:46,775 --> 00:06:49,975
There you go. All you people
go straight to the violence.

139
00:06:49,977 --> 00:06:52,611
Every one of you wrapping
yourselves up in the flag

140
00:06:52,613 --> 00:06:54,030
and clinging to your guns.

141
00:06:54,033 --> 00:06:55,847
Oh, that's such a stereotype.

142
00:06:58,419 --> 00:06:59,918
Where you going?

143
00:06:59,920 --> 00:07:01,820
I just realized... We
got kids in the house

144
00:07:01,822 --> 00:07:03,922
and I can't remember
where we hid our gun.

145
00:07:08,027 --> 00:07:09,494
Well, you must have put it someplace

146
00:07:09,496 --> 00:07:11,181
you thought it would be safe.

147
00:07:11,184 --> 00:07:13,197
Yeah, I was gonna put
it in the cleaning closet

148
00:07:13,199 --> 00:07:15,400
'cause I know nobody ever goes in there.

149
00:07:16,369 --> 00:07:18,703
No, I put it in the cleaning closet

150
00:07:18,705 --> 00:07:20,805
'cause every time I
had to clean the house,

151
00:07:20,807 --> 00:07:22,606
I'd like knowing I had an option.

152
00:07:24,009 --> 00:07:25,275
Well, looky here.

153
00:07:25,277 --> 00:07:27,444
"Written by Roseanne Conner."

154
00:07:27,446 --> 00:07:29,236
Oh, trash that.

155
00:07:29,239 --> 00:07:30,780
This would have sold like hot cakes

156
00:07:30,782 --> 00:07:32,015
if only you hadn't killed off

157
00:07:32,017 --> 00:07:33,850
the most interesting character.

158
00:07:36,755 --> 00:07:38,655
He was a gentle giant.

159
00:07:39,724 --> 00:07:42,525
You know what really
would've helped, though?

160
00:07:42,527 --> 00:07:45,205
More bondage and a wizard school.

161
00:07:48,766 --> 00:07:49,865
- Hey.
- Hey.

162
00:07:49,867 --> 00:07:51,567
How was your job interview?

163
00:07:51,569 --> 00:07:54,788
Oh, , well, the pay was
crap with no benefits,

164
00:07:54,791 --> 00:07:57,305
there were 50 people in line
ahead of me when I got there,

165
00:07:57,307 --> 00:08:00,108
but someone did call me
"ma'am," so that was great.

166
00:08:00,110 --> 00:08:01,809
Hey!

167
00:08:01,811 --> 00:08:03,411
Uh, some of your mail

168
00:08:03,413 --> 00:08:05,480
got forwarded here
from your old address.

169
00:08:05,482 --> 00:08:07,215
It's on the kitchen counter.

170
00:08:07,217 --> 00:08:09,784
Oh, well, that is startling news.

171
00:08:09,786 --> 00:08:11,386
Where's Jackie?

172
00:08:11,388 --> 00:08:14,622
She's going to be back in a little bit.

173
00:08:14,624 --> 00:08:15,991
I'm sorry, I'm just not giving up.

174
00:08:15,994 --> 00:08:17,224
I invited her to dinner.

175
00:08:17,226 --> 00:08:19,092
I thought you cared about our health.

176
00:08:19,094 --> 00:08:20,259
Now I got to go take

177
00:08:20,262 --> 00:08:22,896
one of your dad's blood pressure pills.

178
00:08:22,898 --> 00:08:24,665
You're killing your father.

179
00:08:38,313 --> 00:08:40,012
Still a good picture.

180
00:08:40,782 --> 00:08:44,116
Uh, here's some dressing for the table.

181
00:08:44,119 --> 00:08:45,305
Oh, look, Dan...

182
00:08:45,308 --> 00:08:46,641
Russian.

183
00:08:50,591 --> 00:08:53,358
- Spread these around.
- I can't, my nails are wet.

184
00:08:53,360 --> 00:08:54,693
Your nails are wet.

185
00:08:54,695 --> 00:08:56,127
You hear that, honey?

186
00:08:56,129 --> 00:08:58,997
My grandson's nails are wet.

187
00:08:58,999 --> 00:09:00,868
I like your nail polish, Grandpa.

188
00:09:00,871 --> 00:09:02,170
That's drywall, son.

189
00:09:04,637 --> 00:09:07,194
- Hey, Aunt Jackie!
- Hey, oh-oh, Harris!

190
00:09:07,197 --> 00:09:08,773
I love the outfit.

191
00:09:08,775 --> 00:09:09,874
Six bucks.

192
00:09:09,877 --> 00:09:11,642
I got it at the hospital thrift store.

193
00:09:11,645 --> 00:09:13,108
They're dead people's clothes.

194
00:09:13,126 --> 00:09:16,295
Well, those people must've
died from compliments.

195
00:09:17,450 --> 00:09:19,049
- Granny Rose!
- Oh!

196
00:09:19,051 --> 00:09:21,185
It's my little princess!

197
00:09:21,187 --> 00:09:24,321
Or senator or doctor
or captain of industry

198
00:09:24,323 --> 00:09:26,889
because girls can be
whatever they want to be.

199
00:09:26,891 --> 00:09:28,925
I want to train cats to bark.

200
00:09:31,830 --> 00:09:33,697
Good. I think it's cool.

201
00:09:33,699 --> 00:09:35,514
Aunt Jackie thinks every girl

202
00:09:35,517 --> 00:09:37,133
should grow up and be president,

203
00:09:37,135 --> 00:09:39,908
even if they're a "liar,
liar, pantsuit on fire."

204
00:09:42,172 --> 00:09:45,073
I think we know who's a liar
and who's on fire, Roseanne.

205
00:09:46,577 --> 00:09:48,510
- Hey, Aunt Jackie.
- D.J.!

206
00:09:48,512 --> 00:09:50,212
Welcome back.

207
00:09:50,214 --> 00:09:51,634
Thank you for your service.

208
00:09:51,637 --> 00:09:53,604
Thanks, but I've been out
of the Army for three months.

209
00:09:53,606 --> 00:09:55,155
Oh, I've been off the force for years,

210
00:09:55,158 --> 00:09:57,819
but I can still taste the adrenaline.

211
00:09:57,821 --> 00:09:59,654
Um, how's the missus?

212
00:09:59,656 --> 00:10:01,358
She win the war over there yet?

213
00:10:01,361 --> 00:10:03,758
- Not yet.
- Okay, well, thank her for her service.

214
00:10:03,760 --> 00:10:04,889
I brought salad.

215
00:10:04,892 --> 00:10:06,357
Thank you for your salad.

216
00:10:07,281 --> 00:10:08,447
Hey, everybody,

217
00:10:08,450 --> 00:10:09,905
this is the first dinner together

218
00:10:09,908 --> 00:10:11,999
we've had as a family in a long time.

219
00:10:12,001 --> 00:10:13,433
Let's try to survive it.

220
00:10:13,435 --> 00:10:15,101
Oh, yeah.

221
00:10:15,103 --> 00:10:16,936
First, let's say grace.

222
00:10:16,938 --> 00:10:19,773
Jackie, would you like to take a knee?

223
00:10:25,946 --> 00:10:28,748
Dear Lord, thank you for this food

224
00:10:28,751 --> 00:10:33,552
and for bringing our son,
D.J., home safe from Syria.

225
00:10:33,554 --> 00:10:35,225
Please protect his wife, Geena,

226
00:10:35,228 --> 00:10:37,923
and all our troops still overseas.

227
00:10:37,925 --> 00:10:39,958
Please watch over our son, Jerry,

228
00:10:39,960 --> 00:10:41,527
who's on that stupid fishing boat

229
00:10:41,529 --> 00:10:44,764
where apparently they
don't get phone calls.

230
00:10:44,766 --> 00:10:46,865
But most of all, Lord...

231
00:10:46,867 --> 00:10:49,801
thank you for making
America great again!

232
00:10:49,803 --> 00:10:50,769
Mom.

233
00:10:50,771 --> 00:10:53,236
No, it's okay, Darlene.

234
00:10:54,775 --> 00:10:59,043
I'm going to use my
life-coaching degree...

235
00:10:59,045 --> 00:11:00,612
to model the behavior

236
00:11:00,614 --> 00:11:03,705
that I teach all my many, many clients.

237
00:11:03,708 --> 00:11:06,817
In situations like
this, we don't name-call.

238
00:11:06,819 --> 00:11:10,320
We respond with a positive affirmation

239
00:11:10,322 --> 00:11:11,994
about the other person.

240
00:11:12,991 --> 00:11:14,725
You're looking very fit.

241
00:11:14,727 --> 00:11:17,100
Uh, apparently, all that weight you lost

242
00:11:17,103 --> 00:11:18,995
was the good Roseanne.

243
00:11:22,701 --> 00:11:25,101
How could you have
voted for him, Roseanne?!

244
00:11:25,104 --> 00:11:27,038
He talked about jobs, Jackie!

245
00:11:27,041 --> 00:11:28,938
He said he'd shake things up!

246
00:11:28,941 --> 00:11:31,276
I mean, this might come
as a complete shock to you,

247
00:11:31,279 --> 00:11:33,658
but we almost lost our house,
the way things are going.

248
00:11:33,661 --> 00:11:35,944
Have you looked at the news?
'Cause now things are worse.

249
00:11:35,947 --> 00:11:37,579
Not on the real news!

250
00:11:37,581 --> 00:11:40,749
Oh, puh-leeze!

251
00:11:40,751 --> 00:11:42,751
Hey, everybody.

252
00:11:42,753 --> 00:11:44,586
I have an announcement.

253
00:11:44,588 --> 00:11:46,187
I'm having a baby.

254
00:11:46,189 --> 00:11:47,722
A baby what?

255
00:11:48,942 --> 00:11:51,475
There's this really nice woman
who wants me to have her baby.

256
00:11:51,478 --> 00:11:53,528
I'm gonna be her surrogate.

257
00:11:53,530 --> 00:11:54,795
You're pregnant?

258
00:11:54,797 --> 00:11:56,631
No, I have to fill out some forms

259
00:11:56,634 --> 00:11:58,966
and answer a bunch of questions first.

260
00:11:58,968 --> 00:12:01,002
Daddy, is that how you have a baby?

261
00:12:02,638 --> 00:12:03,704
Yes.

262
00:12:04,861 --> 00:12:09,030
And she's paying me... $50,000.

263
00:12:09,033 --> 00:12:11,511
Wow! Just for having a baby?

264
00:12:11,513 --> 00:12:14,041
Dan, you owe me $200,000.

265
00:12:17,018 --> 00:12:18,618
Right after my checkup,

266
00:12:18,620 --> 00:12:21,855
I start getting the shots
to produce extra eggs.

267
00:12:21,857 --> 00:12:22,889
Hold up.

268
00:12:24,792 --> 00:12:26,692
Extra eggs?

269
00:12:26,695 --> 00:12:28,460
They're using your eggs?

270
00:12:28,463 --> 00:12:32,030
Yeah, it's my eggs and
her husband's sperm.

271
00:12:32,032 --> 00:12:33,565
Sorry, I know you're eating.

272
00:12:35,314 --> 00:12:38,315
But that's like selling
off one of our grandkids.

273
00:12:38,318 --> 00:12:41,053
Mom, if I do this, I can
pay off my credit cards,

274
00:12:41,056 --> 00:12:42,674
I could buy a new car,

275
00:12:42,676 --> 00:12:44,877
maybe put something down on a house.

276
00:12:44,879 --> 00:12:47,011
I can't do that working
at the restaurant.

277
00:12:47,013 --> 00:12:49,647
Is anyone gonna mention
the fact that she's like 50?

278
00:12:52,886 --> 00:12:54,919
I'm 43...

279
00:12:54,921 --> 00:12:57,210
and I told her I was 33,

280
00:12:57,213 --> 00:12:59,795
which, according to the
lady at the MAC counter,

281
00:12:59,798 --> 00:13:01,091
is my skin age.

282
00:13:02,213 --> 00:13:05,049
Oh, well, you should've
used your IQ, Becky.

283
00:13:05,052 --> 00:13:06,651
You could've said you were 23.

284
00:13:09,611 --> 00:13:11,577
Becky, I know you've had a hard time

285
00:13:11,580 --> 00:13:12,869
since your husband died.

286
00:13:12,871 --> 00:13:15,772
I think this would be
a wonderful opportunity

287
00:13:15,774 --> 00:13:17,841
for you to get back on your feet,

288
00:13:17,843 --> 00:13:19,791
and if you need anybody to talk to,

289
00:13:19,794 --> 00:13:21,426
anybody to drive you to appointments,

290
00:13:21,429 --> 00:13:22,695
I'm here for you.

291
00:13:25,883 --> 00:13:27,583
Anybody want to know what I think?

292
00:13:27,585 --> 00:13:29,919
Dan, it's her body, her decision.

293
00:13:29,921 --> 00:13:31,053
Right, Roseanne?

294
00:13:33,357 --> 00:13:34,475
Jackie's right, Dan.

295
00:13:34,478 --> 00:13:36,502
It's... It's Becky's call.

296
00:13:36,505 --> 00:13:37,770
Thanks, Mom.

297
00:13:38,929 --> 00:13:40,662
I'll be out the garage.

298
00:13:43,033 --> 00:13:44,732
I better go talk to him.

299
00:13:48,686 --> 00:13:51,386
I'll wait 'til he has
a couple of beers first.

300
00:13:55,110 --> 00:13:56,276
That oughta do it.

301
00:13:59,869 --> 00:14:03,830
Can you believe the way she put
us both on the spot like that?

302
00:14:03,833 --> 00:14:06,486
I'm not letting Becky do this, Roseanne.

303
00:14:06,489 --> 00:14:08,397
In this family, if you get pregnant,

304
00:14:08,400 --> 00:14:09,534
you're gonna have the baby.

305
00:14:09,537 --> 00:14:10,936
We're gonna love the baby,

306
00:14:10,939 --> 00:14:14,322
we're gonna raise the baby to
believe that anything is possible,

307
00:14:14,324 --> 00:14:16,290
until the time the baby realizes

308
00:14:16,292 --> 00:14:19,661
it got screwed by being
born into this family,

309
00:14:19,663 --> 00:14:21,863
then we're gonna send that
baby out into the world

310
00:14:21,865 --> 00:14:25,733
until such time said baby
returns home to us to live...

311
00:14:25,735 --> 00:14:27,260
with its own baby!

312
00:14:28,371 --> 00:14:31,904
Well, I don't want her selling
off our grandkids, either, Dan,

313
00:14:31,907 --> 00:14:33,021
but, you know,

314
00:14:33,024 --> 00:14:34,890
if there's one thing
we learned about Becky

315
00:14:34,893 --> 00:14:36,741
is we can't tell her what to do

316
00:14:36,744 --> 00:14:39,380
'cause then she'll just
go do the exact opposite.

317
00:14:39,382 --> 00:14:41,979
I mean, remember we told
her not to get married?

318
00:14:41,982 --> 00:14:43,147
She got married.

319
00:14:43,150 --> 00:14:45,671
Remember we told her not to get that

320
00:14:45,674 --> 00:14:48,488
Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch tattoo?

321
00:14:49,891 --> 00:14:51,824
She got the tattoo.

322
00:14:51,826 --> 00:14:54,179
Yeah, and we told her she
had to finish high school,

323
00:14:54,182 --> 00:14:55,920
so she didn't finish high school?

324
00:14:55,923 --> 00:14:57,310
She didn't finish high school?

325
00:14:58,331 --> 00:14:59,643
You miss a lot of stuff

326
00:14:59,646 --> 00:15:02,099
when you're out drinking
in the garage, Dan.

327
00:15:02,102 --> 00:15:03,968
That's the whole point.

328
00:15:06,706 --> 00:15:09,607
So, aren't you gonna say
anything about the baby?

329
00:15:09,610 --> 00:15:11,543
You're not having a baby.

330
00:15:11,545 --> 00:15:13,745
Of course you're gonna
give me crap about this.

331
00:15:13,747 --> 00:15:15,700
No, I'm merely pointing
out, at your age,

332
00:15:15,703 --> 00:15:18,303
your uterus should be
designated a historic landmark.

333
00:15:20,586 --> 00:15:22,791
At least I'm taking care of myself.

334
00:15:22,794 --> 00:15:25,049
I'm not living at home with my parents.

335
00:15:25,925 --> 00:15:28,626
I'm taking care of them,

336
00:15:28,628 --> 00:15:30,761
they're not taking care of me.

337
00:15:30,763 --> 00:15:33,954
I mean, , look, M-Mom
and Jackie are fighting,

338
00:15:33,957 --> 00:15:35,991
Dad and Mom aren't
taking their medication.

339
00:15:35,994 --> 00:15:37,522
I didn't want to come home.

340
00:15:37,525 --> 00:15:40,160
I had to come home because
this family's falling apart.

341
00:15:40,163 --> 00:15:42,296
You're too selfish to
care about anyone but you.

342
00:15:42,299 --> 00:15:44,941
You just keep telling
yourself that, Darlene.

343
00:15:44,943 --> 00:15:47,977
And, by the way, I'm
about to have a baby.

344
00:15:47,980 --> 00:15:49,626
I don't need to be stressed out.

345
00:15:53,918 --> 00:15:55,517
I don't live here anymore.

346
00:16:00,376 --> 00:16:02,476
Don't be mean to your sister.

347
00:16:02,479 --> 00:16:05,244
She's an old woman
trying to have a baby.

348
00:16:07,997 --> 00:16:09,997
And, by the way, Darlene,

349
00:16:09,999 --> 00:16:11,966
if you want to tell
everybody that you came home

350
00:16:11,968 --> 00:16:14,301
to take care of us,
we'll back you up on that.

351
00:16:14,303 --> 00:16:15,522
What are you talking about?

352
00:16:15,525 --> 00:16:17,004
That is why I came home.

353
00:16:17,006 --> 00:16:20,107
Your severance check got forwarded here.

354
00:16:20,109 --> 00:16:21,909
You lost your job, right?

355
00:16:22,978 --> 00:16:24,611
Y-You opened my mail?

356
00:16:24,613 --> 00:16:26,245
Yeah, I never stopped.

357
00:16:27,950 --> 00:16:30,444
That is such a huge violation.

358
00:16:30,447 --> 00:16:32,385
No, it's not. That's this one.

359
00:16:33,856 --> 00:16:36,136
They caught you on a red light camera.

360
00:16:36,139 --> 00:16:38,272
It looks like you're reading a magazine.

361
00:16:45,971 --> 00:16:48,405
Okay. You know, what
do you want me to say?

362
00:16:48,408 --> 00:16:50,636
I lost my job, okay?

363
00:16:50,638 --> 00:16:52,705
You know, I-I didn't
know what else to do.

364
00:16:52,707 --> 00:16:55,708
I got two kids, I got no partner,

365
00:16:55,710 --> 00:16:57,375
so I came home.

366
00:16:57,377 --> 00:16:59,844
Well, why didn't you just say that?

367
00:16:59,846 --> 00:17:02,113
Because it's embarrassing.

368
00:17:02,115 --> 00:17:03,882
You know, I just...

369
00:17:03,884 --> 00:17:06,023
I thought I'd be a huge success by now.

370
00:17:08,552 --> 00:17:10,319
I-I thought I could buy a huge house...

371
00:17:10,322 --> 00:17:13,290
that I could hold over your head.

372
00:17:13,292 --> 00:17:15,564
That would've been sweet.

373
00:17:17,294 --> 00:17:20,496
Anyway, please just don't
tell Becky and D.J. about this.

374
00:17:20,499 --> 00:17:22,249
My scathing commentary on their life

375
00:17:22,252 --> 00:17:24,701
would be severely compromised.

376
00:17:24,703 --> 00:17:25,903
Oh, come here.

377
00:17:31,075 --> 00:17:33,809
My little loser.

378
00:17:34,910 --> 00:17:37,210
Shut up. I'm not
letting you eat that pie.

379
00:17:37,213 --> 00:17:38,915
Shhhh!

380
00:17:42,386 --> 00:17:45,354
Well, I finally got you alone.

381
00:17:45,356 --> 00:17:47,722
Are you out of your damn mind?

382
00:17:47,725 --> 00:17:49,843
Becky's about to make
a horrible mistake,

383
00:17:49,846 --> 00:17:51,507
and you're talking about helping her out

384
00:17:51,510 --> 00:17:53,061
and driving her to the doctor?

385
00:17:53,063 --> 00:17:55,616
Dan and me don't want
her to be a surrogate!

386
00:17:55,619 --> 00:17:57,015
What has happened to you?

387
00:17:57,018 --> 00:17:59,734
You always believed in
"my body, my choice."

388
00:17:59,736 --> 00:18:03,071
Right, and her body came out of my body,

389
00:18:03,073 --> 00:18:05,039
so it's my choice.

390
00:18:05,041 --> 00:18:06,840
You just can't stand for anybody

391
00:18:06,842 --> 00:18:10,243
to have their own opinions
about anything, can you?

392
00:18:10,245 --> 00:18:12,947
So you tell them how stupid
they are all the time,

393
00:18:12,949 --> 00:18:14,694
and you get them to question

394
00:18:14,697 --> 00:18:16,963
what they believe in their heart

395
00:18:16,966 --> 00:18:18,249
is the right thing to do

396
00:18:18,252 --> 00:18:20,688
until they make some enormous mistake

397
00:18:20,690 --> 00:18:22,569
that tears America apart

398
00:18:22,572 --> 00:18:24,023
and brings the world to the brink

399
00:18:24,025 --> 00:18:26,088
of nuclear apocalypse!

400
00:18:27,395 --> 00:18:28,628
So, I'm guessing

401
00:18:28,630 --> 00:18:31,276
this isn't about Becky's eggs anymore.

402
00:18:31,279 --> 00:18:32,311
You kept saying

403
00:18:32,314 --> 00:18:34,467
what a disaster it would
be if she got elected

404
00:18:34,469 --> 00:18:36,194
and how I wasn't seeing the big picture

405
00:18:36,197 --> 00:18:37,870
and how everything was rigged,

406
00:18:37,872 --> 00:18:39,304
and then I go into the booth

407
00:18:39,307 --> 00:18:41,908
and I voted for Jill Stein!

408
00:18:44,377 --> 00:18:46,111
Who's Jill Stein?

409
00:18:46,113 --> 00:18:48,146
Some doctor!

410
00:18:48,148 --> 00:18:51,515
You did such a good job
of making me doubt myself

411
00:18:51,518 --> 00:18:54,226
and feel so stupid that I choked,

412
00:18:54,229 --> 00:18:56,654
which helped get him elected.

413
00:18:56,656 --> 00:18:59,223
Well, the important
thing is that you voted.

414
00:19:02,683 --> 00:19:04,616
Being away from you this past year

415
00:19:04,619 --> 00:19:08,858
proved to me that I make
good decisions on my own.

416
00:19:10,103 --> 00:19:12,936
I miss the family...

417
00:19:12,938 --> 00:19:15,138
but I would rather be alone

418
00:19:15,140 --> 00:19:17,941
than let you bully me again.

419
00:19:17,943 --> 00:19:20,233
Jackie, it is not my fault

420
00:19:20,236 --> 00:19:23,238
that I just happen to
be a charismatic person

421
00:19:23,241 --> 00:19:25,307
who's always right about everything.

422
00:19:28,562 --> 00:19:30,460
And I never said you were stupid.

423
00:19:34,079 --> 00:19:36,746
Well, I didn't mean it.

424
00:19:36,749 --> 00:19:38,448
You're relatively smart.

425
00:19:40,464 --> 00:19:41,830
And I guess I didn't mean to imply

426
00:19:41,832 --> 00:19:45,167
that you're some right-wing jackass.

427
00:19:45,169 --> 00:19:47,601
I should have tried to understand

428
00:19:47,604 --> 00:19:49,972
why you voted the
crazy way that you did.

429
00:19:52,108 --> 00:19:54,476
And I should have
understood that, you know,

430
00:19:54,479 --> 00:19:57,178
you want the government to
give everybody free health care

431
00:19:57,180 --> 00:19:59,659
'cause you're a good-hearted person

432
00:19:59,662 --> 00:20:02,263
who can't do simple math.

433
00:20:04,653 --> 00:20:06,252
Thank you. And...

434
00:20:07,823 --> 00:20:09,389
I'm sorry.

435
00:20:12,227 --> 00:20:14,895
And... you...?

436
00:20:18,233 --> 00:20:19,833
I forgive you.

437
00:20:24,138 --> 00:20:26,839
I know how hard that was for you.

438
00:20:37,449 --> 00:20:39,798
It is so great to finally meet you!

439
00:20:41,421 --> 00:20:43,521
And I can see why you picked me.

440
00:20:43,523 --> 00:20:44,923
I mean, look at us.

441
00:20:44,925 --> 00:20:47,625
We could be the same person.

442
00:20:47,628 --> 00:20:48,891
Oh, my God.

443
00:20:48,894 --> 00:20:50,494
I mean, it is like looking in the mirror

444
00:20:50,496 --> 00:20:52,363
before I put my makeup on.

445
00:20:54,801 --> 00:20:56,366
Now, I have all the paperwork here

446
00:20:56,368 --> 00:20:58,335
for you to take home and review.

447
00:20:58,337 --> 00:20:59,870
Uh, Agreement Form, Medical Release...

448
00:20:59,872 --> 00:21:01,038
It's standard stuff.

449
00:21:01,040 --> 00:21:03,306
I also have some questions
about your genetic history,

450
00:21:03,308 --> 00:21:05,375
so I should probably meet your family.

451
00:21:06,545 --> 00:21:08,478
You want to meet my family?

452
00:21:08,480 --> 00:21:10,347
You know what would save time?

453
00:21:10,349 --> 00:21:12,315
If I showed you pictures on my phone

454
00:21:12,317 --> 00:21:14,016
and described them instead.

455
00:21:14,018 --> 00:21:15,545
Mm, say no more.

456
00:21:15,548 --> 00:21:16,886
I know how families can be.

457
00:21:16,888 --> 00:21:18,320
Do you think I could warm them up

458
00:21:18,322 --> 00:21:21,490
with a monthly delivery
of fresh, organic pears?

459
00:21:21,492 --> 00:21:23,793
That'd be perfect.

460
00:21:23,795 --> 00:21:25,929
They've all been meaning to try a pear.