1 00:00:00,001 --> 00:00:04,000 - Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com - 2 00:00:05,205 --> 00:00:07,274 Previously on "You Me Her"... 3 00:00:07,307 --> 00:00:08,575 You did this, Em. 4 00:00:08,609 --> 00:00:10,944 I said I love it, and I love you. 5 00:00:10,978 --> 00:00:13,113 Sorry, I'm just a little overwhelmed. 6 00:00:13,146 --> 00:00:14,624 Is it possible that the amount of "whelm" 7 00:00:14,648 --> 00:00:16,149 that you're feeling is due in part 8 00:00:16,183 --> 00:00:17,618 to the magazine thing? 9 00:00:17,651 --> 00:00:19,062 You think you could call it "the magazine" 10 00:00:19,086 --> 00:00:20,721 and not "the magazine thing"? 11 00:00:20,754 --> 00:00:23,957 Have you guys talked about some version of childcare? 12 00:00:23,991 --> 00:00:26,293 We're more talking about talking about it. 13 00:00:26,326 --> 00:00:28,295 Men suck. That's my thesis. 14 00:00:28,328 --> 00:00:30,097 Mm-hmm, okay. Jot this one down... 15 00:00:30,130 --> 00:00:31,732 uh, we're confused. 16 00:00:31,765 --> 00:00:34,167 The vexing plight of the millennial male. 17 00:00:34,201 --> 00:00:35,936 It is our two-month anniversary. 18 00:00:35,969 --> 00:00:37,680 The things I'm gonna to do to you when we get home. 19 00:00:37,704 --> 00:00:40,841 Oh, what a shame. I don't sleep with married women. 20 00:00:40,874 --> 00:00:42,476 Uh, so this is a bit awkward, 21 00:00:42,509 --> 00:00:44,978 but you postponed the last two scheduled signings, 22 00:00:45,012 --> 00:00:47,257 and I just wanna make sure that we're still on for Monday. 23 00:00:47,281 --> 00:00:49,917 Cool. Cool, cool, coolio. 24 00:00:49,950 --> 00:00:51,895 You seriously need to stop worrying about the Trakarskies 25 00:00:51,919 --> 00:00:53,453 and start sorting your own shit. 26 00:00:53,487 --> 00:00:55,498 - You saw your dad? How was that? - Hey there, peanut. 27 00:00:55,522 --> 00:00:57,124 Go the fuck away. 28 00:00:57,157 --> 00:00:59,726 I texted Emma that Jack and I would be out of the loft 29 00:00:59,760 --> 00:01:01,304 all day so she can come deal with all the shit 30 00:01:01,328 --> 00:01:02,362 that we've been storing. 31 00:01:02,395 --> 00:01:04,665 - Hey. - Hey. 32 00:01:16,944 --> 00:01:18,579 Izzy said you wouldn't be here. 33 00:01:18,612 --> 00:01:20,514 Oh, you talked to Izzy? 34 00:01:20,547 --> 00:01:22,382 Yeah, she texted me, said you'd both be gone 35 00:01:22,416 --> 00:01:25,552 so I could deal with all my shit you've been storing. 36 00:01:25,586 --> 00:01:29,156 See, she, uh... she left a key. 37 00:01:29,189 --> 00:01:33,527 Okay, could you guys give us some, uh... 38 00:01:33,560 --> 00:01:36,096 When did they leave? 39 00:01:44,671 --> 00:01:46,673 - Well, I have a question. - Oh, good, 40 00:01:46,707 --> 00:01:49,676 'cause another 10 seconds of this excruciating silence, 41 00:01:49,710 --> 00:01:51,678 and I was gonna fake an aneurysm. 42 00:01:54,651 --> 00:01:58,221 Ah. Um, did Izzy not know you'd be here? 43 00:01:58,255 --> 00:02:01,525 Of course she knew I'd be here. I... 44 00:02:01,558 --> 00:02:02,926 Oh. 45 00:02:02,959 --> 00:02:05,328 Did we just get "Parent Trapped"? 46 00:02:05,362 --> 00:02:06,663 Apparently. 47 00:02:06,697 --> 00:02:08,465 Why would she do that? 48 00:02:08,498 --> 00:02:11,601 I think she wants us to scream 49 00:02:11,635 --> 00:02:13,203 and throws things at each other, 50 00:02:13,236 --> 00:02:14,638 like I need that to move on. 51 00:02:14,671 --> 00:02:16,139 Well, do you need that? 52 00:02:16,173 --> 00:02:18,475 'Cause you can lob something right at my head. 53 00:02:18,508 --> 00:02:20,310 No. 54 00:02:20,343 --> 00:02:21,978 I'm good. 55 00:02:22,012 --> 00:02:26,716 We're good. Me and Izzy. 56 00:02:26,750 --> 00:02:30,687 Um, I actually have a pretty packed schedule. 57 00:02:30,720 --> 00:02:32,756 I got a lot of errands to run, just so you know. 58 00:02:32,789 --> 00:02:34,524 What? On a Saturday? 59 00:02:34,558 --> 00:02:36,927 After watching basketball and drinking beer? 60 00:02:36,960 --> 00:02:38,628 Well, that's new. 61 00:02:38,662 --> 00:02:41,698 Mm, it's all-new, Em. 62 00:02:41,731 --> 00:02:43,467 Everything. 63 00:02:43,500 --> 00:02:46,503 Hm. So you really are good, the two of you? 64 00:02:46,536 --> 00:02:49,806 You're happy? 65 00:02:49,840 --> 00:02:54,478 I love her more than I ever thought possible. 66 00:02:54,511 --> 00:02:56,179 Aww. 67 00:02:56,213 --> 00:02:58,281 That's awesome. 68 00:02:58,315 --> 00:03:00,851 That really makes me happy. 69 00:03:10,426 --> 00:03:11,761 Augh! 70 00:03:11,795 --> 00:03:14,040 Well, what am I supposed to do? You won't answer my calls. 71 00:03:14,064 --> 00:03:15,732 Uh, maybe stop calling? 72 00:03:15,766 --> 00:03:17,000 Aw, come on, peanut. 73 00:03:17,033 --> 00:03:18,368 I told you not to call me that. 74 00:03:18,401 --> 00:03:20,437 - Let's not... - How did you find me? 75 00:03:20,470 --> 00:03:21,538 Your mom. 76 00:03:21,571 --> 00:03:22,706 - Mom? - Yeah. 77 00:03:22,739 --> 00:03:24,574 Mom told you where I live? 78 00:03:24,608 --> 00:03:28,879 Yeah, she did. She thinks we should talk. 79 00:03:28,912 --> 00:03:31,715 Isabelle. 80 00:03:31,748 --> 00:03:33,517 Did I invite you to my side of the street? 81 00:03:33,550 --> 00:03:35,418 No, I didn't. Go away! 82 00:03:35,452 --> 00:03:37,754 Well, I'm not gonna... 83 00:03:37,787 --> 00:03:38,822 I'm sober. 84 00:03:38,855 --> 00:03:40,390 Can't say the same. 85 00:03:40,423 --> 00:03:42,235 Just downed a couple medicinal bloodies to even out. 86 00:03:42,259 --> 00:03:44,928 You know what I'm saying? Never mind. I know you do. 87 00:03:44,961 --> 00:03:49,032 No. I don't mean right now. I mean I'm sober. 88 00:03:54,371 --> 00:03:55,572 Really? 89 00:03:55,605 --> 00:03:58,041 Yep. 90 00:03:58,074 --> 00:03:59,409 How long? 91 00:03:59,442 --> 00:04:00,844 Little over a year. 92 00:04:00,877 --> 00:04:02,412 Wow. 93 00:04:02,445 --> 00:04:04,414 Only 26 years too late. 94 00:04:09,018 --> 00:04:12,322 - Traffic okay? - Uh, yeah, I used this app. 95 00:04:12,355 --> 00:04:14,491 Left at precisely the optimal time 96 00:04:14,524 --> 00:04:17,727 to minimize both departure and arrival, so... 97 00:04:17,761 --> 00:04:19,796 Wow. 98 00:04:19,830 --> 00:04:22,432 I know. Amazing. 99 00:04:22,465 --> 00:04:25,936 What's it called? 100 00:04:25,969 --> 00:04:28,171 Um, I don't know off the top of my head, 101 00:04:28,205 --> 00:04:29,606 but I could get my phone. 102 00:04:29,639 --> 00:04:31,350 Actually, I couldn't care less. 103 00:04:31,374 --> 00:04:34,311 Just couldn't think of anything else to say. 104 00:04:34,344 --> 00:04:36,246 So, how's everything else going with you? 105 00:04:36,279 --> 00:04:38,014 I mean, aside from being more in love 106 00:04:38,048 --> 00:04:39,583 than you ever thought possible. 107 00:04:39,616 --> 00:04:41,585 Well, it'd be easier for me 108 00:04:41,618 --> 00:04:43,220 to make a list of the parts of my body 109 00:04:43,253 --> 00:04:45,488 that don't ache from all the dancing I've been doing. 110 00:04:45,522 --> 00:04:51,228 Like, my hair and... that's about it actually. 111 00:04:51,261 --> 00:04:52,662 You... You dance now? 112 00:04:52,696 --> 00:04:55,065 Oh, yeah. Publicly. 113 00:04:55,098 --> 00:04:57,067 And we're on the highly-unrecommended 114 00:04:57,100 --> 00:04:59,603 vodka, pot, and delivery food diet. 115 00:05:01,805 --> 00:05:04,341 But I get to wake up every morning, look at her, 116 00:05:04,374 --> 00:05:07,677 and fall in love all over again, so there's that. 117 00:05:07,711 --> 00:05:11,848 Huh. Mm-hmm. 118 00:05:11,881 --> 00:05:14,718 So, how's, uh, things with what's-her-name? 119 00:05:14,751 --> 00:05:16,453 Smiley? 120 00:05:16,486 --> 00:05:18,321 - Wiley? - Kylie. 121 00:05:18,355 --> 00:05:20,957 Kylie. 122 00:05:20,991 --> 00:05:22,292 She is awesome. 123 00:05:22,325 --> 00:05:23,460 Mm. 124 00:05:23,493 --> 00:05:24,961 "Smiley," really? 125 00:05:24,995 --> 00:05:26,896 - That's a name. - Yeah? 126 00:05:26,930 --> 00:05:28,665 Totally gonna name my first-born daughter 127 00:05:28,698 --> 00:05:29,966 "Smiley Jane Trakarksy." 128 00:05:30,000 --> 00:05:31,401 Yeah, assuming you want her 129 00:05:31,434 --> 00:05:33,179 to grow up to be a deformed comic-book villain. 130 00:05:38,909 --> 00:05:41,978 So, the lesbian thing is working out for you? 131 00:05:42,012 --> 00:05:45,682 Um, it is... it is... it is going very well. 132 00:05:45,715 --> 00:05:50,720 Thank you for asking. 133 00:05:50,754 --> 00:05:52,298 Can we take a second just to acknowledge 134 00:05:52,322 --> 00:05:53,690 how weird this conversation is? 135 00:05:53,723 --> 00:05:57,560 - I mean, did you ever imagine that... - No, Em. 136 00:05:57,594 --> 00:05:59,896 This is not what I imagined. 137 00:05:59,930 --> 00:06:03,233 - At all. - Yeah. 138 00:06:03,266 --> 00:06:06,469 Can you give me five minutes without storming off? 139 00:06:06,503 --> 00:06:11,408 Okay, four? 140 00:06:11,441 --> 00:06:14,544 I'm getting my shit together, Isabelle. 141 00:06:14,577 --> 00:06:17,547 I'm here for a pretty major construction project. 142 00:06:17,580 --> 00:06:20,317 I'm managing a bigger crew than I ever have before. 143 00:06:20,350 --> 00:06:22,352 It's "Izzy." Don't call me "Isabelle." 144 00:06:22,385 --> 00:06:25,789 Right, Izzy. I'm not bragging. I'm just saying I've changed. 145 00:06:25,822 --> 00:06:28,975 Here's a thought... what if you gave up the bottle too late 146 00:06:28,978 --> 00:06:30,591 and you just suddenly die right in front of me 147 00:06:30,593 --> 00:06:32,929 and that's why you're here... karmic justice? 148 00:06:32,963 --> 00:06:34,431 I'm imagining you dropping dead. 149 00:06:34,464 --> 00:06:35,765 Why are you laughing? 150 00:06:35,799 --> 00:06:37,410 Because you're funny when you try to be mean. 151 00:06:37,434 --> 00:06:39,402 Oh, my God. 152 00:06:39,436 --> 00:06:43,139 - Uh, it's mid-Swedish modernalism. - Mm, nope. 153 00:06:43,173 --> 00:06:46,443 "Mid-Swedish" isn't a thing, and "modernalism" isn't a word. 154 00:06:46,476 --> 00:06:50,313 Mm, my original Jorgen Erikson... 155 00:06:50,347 --> 00:06:52,115 the first furniture acquisition 156 00:06:52,148 --> 00:06:55,618 I could honestly refer to as a piece. 157 00:06:55,652 --> 00:06:57,754 It was way more than we could afford. 158 00:06:57,787 --> 00:07:00,023 Yeah, we had to sleep on a mattress on the floor 159 00:07:00,056 --> 00:07:01,524 for six months so you could buy that. 160 00:07:01,558 --> 00:07:03,593 No, we slept on a mattress for six months 161 00:07:03,626 --> 00:07:06,463 because you couldn't figure out how to build the IKEA bed frame. 162 00:07:06,496 --> 00:07:09,666 As I recall, neither could the architect. 163 00:07:09,699 --> 00:07:12,635 Pretty sure the Swedes are fucking with us. 164 00:07:14,637 --> 00:07:16,139 I haven't looked through this stuff. 165 00:07:16,172 --> 00:07:18,708 Are you sure this is all yours? 166 00:07:33,689 --> 00:07:36,526 Okay, so, I stuck my widget in your launch pad. 167 00:07:36,559 --> 00:07:38,595 Whoa! He stuck your what in my what? 168 00:07:38,628 --> 00:07:40,263 Buy a girl a drink first. 169 00:07:40,296 --> 00:07:42,999 I... you... the... 170 00:07:43,033 --> 00:07:44,300 The, uh... 171 00:07:44,334 --> 00:07:45,611 Oh, that's great. You broke Alex. 172 00:07:45,635 --> 00:07:46,979 Well, you gotta flex the muscles, babe. 173 00:07:47,003 --> 00:07:48,438 Use 'em or lose 'em. 174 00:07:48,471 --> 00:07:51,674 It's, uh, cloud-based, and, uh, mm... whew! 175 00:07:52,909 --> 00:07:54,844 And now he's reverted to puberty. 176 00:07:54,878 --> 00:07:57,013 So we can all access the files, 177 00:07:57,047 --> 00:07:59,115 and we can see the layout in progress, 178 00:07:59,149 --> 00:08:02,118 get notes on the page like... this. 179 00:08:02,152 --> 00:08:05,422 Oh, God, Alex, you're amazing. 180 00:08:05,455 --> 00:08:09,692 Th... thank you so much. 181 00:08:09,726 --> 00:08:12,028 Oh, uh, hey, Carmen. 182 00:08:12,061 --> 00:08:13,730 When did... when did you get here? 183 00:08:13,763 --> 00:08:15,331 Unbelievable. 184 00:08:15,365 --> 00:08:17,267 Hey, Carm. 185 00:08:17,800 --> 00:08:20,203 - Hey. - Hey. Hey, Hannah. 186 00:08:20,236 --> 00:08:23,406 Oh, you got a little, uh... adolescent male on your shirt there. 187 00:08:23,440 --> 00:08:27,110 Oh, Alex works for the printing company. He's 24. 188 00:08:27,143 --> 00:08:29,245 - Great. - People are still 24? 189 00:08:29,279 --> 00:08:31,557 And you're doing earmuffs on him like he's some sort of child. 190 00:08:31,581 --> 00:08:33,759 That's great. Do you guys have an HR department yet, or... ? 191 00:08:33,783 --> 00:08:35,752 - Mnh-mnh. - I don't mind. 192 00:08:35,785 --> 00:08:37,821 Okay, so, what's wrong? What's going on? 193 00:08:37,854 --> 00:08:41,024 Thing's kinda went south pretty fast over there. 194 00:08:41,127 --> 00:08:42,829 Like, Deep South. Like Alabama. 195 00:08:42,862 --> 00:08:44,631 Things went Alabama over there. 196 00:08:44,664 --> 00:08:46,232 I left the house 40 minutes ago. 197 00:08:46,266 --> 00:08:48,134 I know. It was all very sudden. 198 00:08:48,168 --> 00:08:49,912 I'm gonna go ahead and blame the uprising on hunger, 199 00:08:49,936 --> 00:08:52,005 because we are literally out of everything. 200 00:08:52,038 --> 00:08:53,940 Hey. Why don't you and I take a break? 201 00:08:53,973 --> 00:08:55,241 Give this two some space. 202 00:08:55,275 --> 00:08:57,010 For sure. Absolutely. 203 00:08:57,043 --> 00:09:00,647 - Bye. - Bye... Alex. 204 00:09:01,080 --> 00:09:03,183 He only intermittently knows I exist, 205 00:09:03,216 --> 00:09:05,351 but he melts into a puddle every time Hannah speaks. 206 00:09:05,385 --> 00:09:07,820 Can we get back to the Amari famine of 2018 please? 207 00:09:07,854 --> 00:09:09,989 Right. Right, okay, well, listen close, 208 00:09:10,023 --> 00:09:12,992 because this is incredibly useful information. 209 00:09:13,026 --> 00:09:16,062 There are these large, regulated establishments 210 00:09:16,095 --> 00:09:18,207 filled with every type of food you can possibly imagine, 211 00:09:18,231 --> 00:09:19,799 and if you can't find something, 212 00:09:19,832 --> 00:09:22,402 kindly Samaritans with name tags will guide you. 213 00:09:22,435 --> 00:09:23,736 That's very clever. 214 00:09:23,770 --> 00:09:25,972 Now, if I go to this magical place, 215 00:09:26,005 --> 00:09:27,907 can I leave the kids here? - Absolutely not! 216 00:09:27,941 --> 00:09:29,509 Okay, so then, how does that work? 217 00:09:32,745 --> 00:09:34,981 Oh, you're doing the thing where you... 218 00:09:35,014 --> 00:09:37,383 wanna say something, but your mouth is sealed shut, 219 00:09:37,417 --> 00:09:40,019 and your eyebrows are dancing. 220 00:09:40,053 --> 00:09:43,189 I mean, you've taken the kids to the store countless times, right? 221 00:09:43,223 --> 00:09:45,024 Somehow we all keep coming back alive! 222 00:09:45,058 --> 00:09:46,802 You think I like coming over here like some hapless Neanderthal? 223 00:09:46,826 --> 00:09:49,295 I am very disappointed with myself right now! 224 00:09:49,329 --> 00:09:51,397 This is hard. 225 00:09:53,600 --> 00:09:56,369 Well, that's a start. 226 00:09:56,402 --> 00:09:59,005 Yeah? 227 00:09:59,038 --> 00:10:02,308 Well, what's going on here? Are you coming home soon-ish? 228 00:10:02,342 --> 00:10:05,745 I will come home when I'm done-ish, just like you. 229 00:10:05,778 --> 00:10:08,348 Okay. 230 00:10:08,381 --> 00:10:10,049 Mm. 231 00:10:10,083 --> 00:10:12,085 Go to the store with your children. 232 00:10:12,118 --> 00:10:13,486 Women will swoon. 233 00:10:13,519 --> 00:10:14,988 Intriguing. 234 00:10:15,021 --> 00:10:16,589 Trust me. Super-fucking hot. 235 00:10:16,623 --> 00:10:18,858 All right, go. Hop to. Back to work, people! 236 00:10:22,528 --> 00:10:24,173 Are you gonna do your ceremonial breath cleaning 237 00:10:24,197 --> 00:10:26,666 of a single glass, or is now a bad time? 238 00:10:26,699 --> 00:10:29,869 Okay, so the experiment's definitely gonna need what we call controls. 239 00:10:29,902 --> 00:10:31,471 Yeah, no, I'm familiar with the concept. 240 00:10:31,504 --> 00:10:33,482 That means we need to keep a lot of things the same 241 00:10:33,506 --> 00:10:35,417 so that we can accurately measure the differences 242 00:10:35,441 --> 00:10:37,176 between my test subjects. 243 00:10:37,210 --> 00:10:39,412 Yeah. 244 00:10:39,445 --> 00:10:41,381 Did you just womansplain me? 245 00:10:42,615 --> 00:10:45,885 - Is that too soon? - Way too fuckin' soon. 246 00:10:45,918 --> 00:10:47,529 So, I'm thinking that I should meet all of my dates 247 00:10:47,553 --> 00:10:49,722 the same way and go to the same place with them. 248 00:10:49,756 --> 00:10:52,792 I was thinking a dating app and right here, 249 00:10:52,825 --> 00:10:55,895 not too late, not too early. Those are the controls. 250 00:10:55,928 --> 00:10:57,130 Right here? 251 00:10:57,163 --> 00:10:58,564 Yeah, you got a problem with that? 252 00:10:58,598 --> 00:11:00,833 No, no. Date on, Garth. 253 00:11:03,569 --> 00:11:05,071 Date like nobody's watching', huh? 254 00:11:05,104 --> 00:11:06,939 Date... Date till the cows come home. 255 00:11:06,973 --> 00:11:08,307 Date like... 256 00:11:08,341 --> 00:11:10,543 Did you hit your head on that same shelf again? 257 00:11:12,312 --> 00:11:14,747 Boom! First date's gonna be tomorrow night. 258 00:11:14,781 --> 00:11:16,258 Okay, well, someone's a little sure of themselves. 259 00:11:16,282 --> 00:11:17,884 So, one cleavage shot, 260 00:11:17,917 --> 00:11:20,320 and all the men of Portland are instantly reduced 261 00:11:20,353 --> 00:11:23,156 to horny, right-swiping zombies? Come on. 262 00:11:24,924 --> 00:11:29,629 Well, that's just... 263 00:11:29,662 --> 00:11:32,198 Well, co... 264 00:11:32,231 --> 00:11:33,900 I'm sorry. What did you say? 265 00:11:33,933 --> 00:11:37,804 I... I can't hear you over the teeming horde of lustful suitors. 266 00:11:37,837 --> 00:11:39,806 Okay... The... 267 00:11:39,839 --> 00:11:42,442 The point is... 268 00:11:42,676 --> 00:11:45,745 How about you... 269 00:11:45,778 --> 00:11:47,780 Never mind. 270 00:11:47,814 --> 00:11:50,316 Oh, my God, this guy's dressed like a wizard. 271 00:11:50,349 --> 00:11:54,688 Shaun, look. Shaun? 272 00:11:55,521 --> 00:11:57,223 Shaun? 273 00:11:57,256 --> 00:11:58,758 Hmm. Maybe. 274 00:12:00,593 --> 00:12:04,564 I don't know about you, but I could eat. 275 00:12:04,597 --> 00:12:06,532 Um... yeah, I don't think... 276 00:12:06,566 --> 00:12:08,101 We don't have anything here, but... 277 00:12:08,134 --> 00:12:09,912 - That's fine. - ... we could get delivery or something? 278 00:12:09,936 --> 00:12:11,037 I'm sorry. That was a bad idea. 279 00:12:11,070 --> 00:12:14,640 It's not a party. Let's just, um... 280 00:12:14,674 --> 00:12:16,109 Oh, my God. Why do we have 281 00:12:16,142 --> 00:12:19,645 23 perfectly-good sets of ear buds? 282 00:12:19,679 --> 00:12:23,049 And 19 half-burned holiday candles. 283 00:12:23,082 --> 00:12:25,218 You'd think just once we would look for leftovers. 284 00:12:25,251 --> 00:12:27,787 Can I please light all the pumpkin spice candles for Izzy? 285 00:12:27,820 --> 00:12:28,988 Best or worst idea ever? 286 00:12:29,021 --> 00:12:30,323 It's kinda... 287 00:12:30,556 --> 00:12:32,692 Wh... what does that mean? Huff? 288 00:12:32,725 --> 00:12:36,095 I mean, what the fuck is that? 289 00:12:36,129 --> 00:12:37,130 Are you serious? 290 00:12:37,163 --> 00:12:40,299 Yeah. 291 00:12:40,333 --> 00:12:42,502 Izzy set this up. It's what she wanted. 292 00:12:42,535 --> 00:12:44,137 You think this is what she wanted... 293 00:12:44,170 --> 00:12:47,273 for us to continue not talking about it? 294 00:12:47,306 --> 00:12:51,778 Trade quips about ear buds and fucking holiday candles? 295 00:12:51,811 --> 00:12:54,313 - I was just... trying to... - You know what? 296 00:12:54,347 --> 00:12:57,650 We can just have the movers take the rest of this stuff. 297 00:12:57,683 --> 00:13:00,953 You should go. 298 00:13:06,058 --> 00:13:07,693 Okay. 299 00:13:13,800 --> 00:13:15,835 Make your amends and go away already. 300 00:13:15,868 --> 00:13:19,272 Okay, well, I... I called you when I got my one-month chip 301 00:13:19,305 --> 00:13:21,283 and then my three-month chip and then my one-year... 302 00:13:21,307 --> 00:13:24,076 I heard the messages. I just assumed you were lying. 303 00:13:24,110 --> 00:13:25,745 Uh, n... no. 304 00:13:25,778 --> 00:13:27,880 Not to rub it in or anything. 305 00:13:27,914 --> 00:13:29,682 It's kinda hard to work construction 306 00:13:29,715 --> 00:13:31,860 if you can't handle the concept of other people drinking. 307 00:13:31,884 --> 00:13:34,554 Cool, 'cause those bloodies are starting to wear off, 308 00:13:34,587 --> 00:13:37,924 and this surprise visit of yours is accelerating my headache. 309 00:13:37,957 --> 00:13:39,992 Guess it's 4:00 somewhere. 310 00:13:40,026 --> 00:13:41,994 Are you suggesting that I'm an alcoholic like you? 311 00:13:42,028 --> 00:13:43,496 No. 312 00:13:43,529 --> 00:13:46,199 You know, you can't just drop back into my adult life and parent me. 313 00:13:46,312 --> 00:13:48,247 Okay, fine. Fine. Understood. 314 00:13:48,281 --> 00:13:50,349 I just want a chance to be... 315 00:13:50,383 --> 00:13:52,818 - What? - I don't know. 316 00:13:52,852 --> 00:13:56,956 Whatever you'll let me be, I guess. 317 00:13:56,989 --> 00:13:58,491 Well, here's a tip... 318 00:13:58,524 --> 00:14:00,192 Don't do the annoying 12-step thing 319 00:14:00,226 --> 00:14:01,627 where everybody has to get into 320 00:14:01,661 --> 00:14:04,263 the same rickety, joyless boat as you. 321 00:14:04,297 --> 00:14:06,399 - You're right. - What? 322 00:14:06,432 --> 00:14:09,035 I said you're right. I won't. 323 00:14:09,068 --> 00:14:11,537 Good! 324 00:14:16,442 --> 00:14:19,613 You know what? No. 325 00:14:20,346 --> 00:14:21,714 "No" what? 326 00:14:21,747 --> 00:14:23,716 I'm not leaving. 327 00:14:23,749 --> 00:14:26,052 Oh, and this? 328 00:14:26,085 --> 00:14:28,754 This is mine. 329 00:14:28,788 --> 00:14:30,022 What is that? 330 00:14:30,056 --> 00:14:31,424 That is the kind of mix a guy makes 331 00:14:31,457 --> 00:14:33,192 when he's trying to prove that he's too cool 332 00:14:33,225 --> 00:14:35,194 to listen to music anyone else has ever heard of. 333 00:14:35,227 --> 00:14:37,063 Okay, 'cause I originally got that 334 00:14:37,096 --> 00:14:38,531 from a philosophy grad assistant 335 00:14:38,564 --> 00:14:40,199 who I dated for like five minutes. 336 00:14:40,232 --> 00:14:45,237 So, you remixed me, and you never came clean about it? 337 00:14:45,271 --> 00:14:49,008 Yeah. That was my big secret. 338 00:14:50,876 --> 00:14:52,678 Right. 339 00:14:55,581 --> 00:14:59,485 I'm sorry, Jack. 340 00:14:59,518 --> 00:15:01,520 I really am sorry. 341 00:15:13,432 --> 00:15:15,267 You know that was the only baby gift we got 342 00:15:15,301 --> 00:15:17,303 before the miscarriage? 343 00:15:25,945 --> 00:15:28,280 First time I... 344 00:15:28,314 --> 00:15:31,150 I thought the universe was trying to tell me something. 345 00:15:37,323 --> 00:15:40,793 Izzy's right. We need to talk. 346 00:15:47,033 --> 00:15:48,801 Yeah. 347 00:15:53,572 --> 00:15:54,950 Could you clear something up for me? 348 00:15:54,974 --> 00:15:56,475 I mean, it's not big deal. 349 00:15:56,509 --> 00:15:58,477 Just a vexing mystery of my entire existence. 350 00:15:58,511 --> 00:16:01,414 Yeah, piece of cake. Shoot. 351 00:16:01,447 --> 00:16:03,115 If you and Mom hated each other so much, 352 00:16:03,149 --> 00:16:04,784 why did you get married? 353 00:16:04,817 --> 00:16:08,020 We didn't start out hating each other. 354 00:16:08,054 --> 00:16:11,157 Things got dark after I lost my job. 355 00:16:11,190 --> 00:16:14,360 That's your excuse? 356 00:16:14,393 --> 00:16:18,130 It had nothing to do with the excessive drinking or the affairs? 357 00:16:18,164 --> 00:16:21,200 I'm an alcoholic, and I was a shitty father. 358 00:16:21,233 --> 00:16:23,836 And while I'm laying it all out there, 359 00:16:23,869 --> 00:16:25,604 your mother and I were never really in love, 360 00:16:25,638 --> 00:16:27,273 - so when things got a little rough... - That's nice. 361 00:16:27,306 --> 00:16:30,776 ... we took it out on each other. 362 00:16:30,810 --> 00:16:32,411 I only stayed for you. 363 00:16:36,715 --> 00:16:38,451 Well, I guess you got over me. 364 00:16:38,484 --> 00:16:40,686 Was it the braces? Zits? 365 00:16:40,720 --> 00:16:44,457 Something I said? 366 00:16:44,490 --> 00:16:49,128 When I left, I... I told myself that it was the best thing for you. 367 00:16:49,161 --> 00:16:51,564 But now I realize that I was just doing 368 00:16:51,597 --> 00:16:53,399 what drunks do when things get hard. 369 00:16:53,432 --> 00:16:57,236 I ran away. 370 00:16:57,269 --> 00:17:02,675 And I know they're just words, but I need to say them. 371 00:17:02,708 --> 00:17:06,378 I'm sorry. 372 00:17:06,412 --> 00:17:11,383 And you will never know how much, Izzy. 373 00:17:15,054 --> 00:17:17,089 There's one more stop. 374 00:17:24,263 --> 00:17:27,032 Hey. Hi, hi. Hello. 375 00:17:27,066 --> 00:17:29,268 Um, this, what you're doing... 376 00:17:29,301 --> 00:17:30,870 It's against FDA rules, okay? 377 00:17:30,903 --> 00:17:32,605 Something about saliva 378 00:17:32,638 --> 00:17:34,840 and the fact that it's fucking annoying. 379 00:17:34,874 --> 00:17:36,384 Yeah, so if you guys don't stop immediately, 380 00:17:36,408 --> 00:17:37,919 I'm gonna have to punch you both in the face, 381 00:17:37,943 --> 00:17:39,445 and I don't wanna. 382 00:17:39,478 --> 00:17:42,114 Sorry. It's the law, so... 383 00:17:42,148 --> 00:17:43,749 Sorry. Shaun, what do you want? 384 00:17:43,783 --> 00:17:45,560 I'm not in the mood to be berated about how little I work. 385 00:17:45,584 --> 00:17:47,720 Okay, for the record, you basically get paid 386 00:17:47,753 --> 00:17:50,523 to hang around at a bar that you already hung around at. 387 00:17:50,556 --> 00:17:51,924 Which, saying it out loud, 388 00:17:51,957 --> 00:17:53,759 makes me think that it's a pretty cool idea. 389 00:17:53,792 --> 00:17:56,896 Hey, and you and your bestie have violence issues! 390 00:17:56,929 --> 00:17:59,632 Deal with it. Get a Groupon. 391 00:18:04,270 --> 00:18:08,674 What's wrong? 392 00:18:08,707 --> 00:18:11,110 Fucker keeps posting these weird pictures 393 00:18:11,143 --> 00:18:12,945 of him and his dad somewhere in the woods, 394 00:18:12,978 --> 00:18:14,413 smiling all over themselves. 395 00:18:14,446 --> 00:18:16,849 Why the hell are they in the woods all the time?! 396 00:18:16,882 --> 00:18:19,451 Right, I... I'm thinking it's not so much the woods 397 00:18:19,485 --> 00:18:22,021 as it is the excessive smiling. 398 00:18:22,054 --> 00:18:23,189 Am I right? 399 00:18:23,222 --> 00:18:25,357 I mean, how dare he be so happy? 400 00:18:25,391 --> 00:18:27,459 Ow! You gotta stop doing that! 401 00:18:27,493 --> 00:18:29,595 You got these bony, little knuckles. 402 00:18:29,628 --> 00:18:33,632 - Pussy. - Psycho. 403 00:18:33,666 --> 00:18:36,869 Okay. 404 00:18:36,902 --> 00:18:39,638 My best, most logical guess is that... 405 00:18:39,672 --> 00:18:42,341 clearly a zombie outbreak has happened 406 00:18:42,374 --> 00:18:43,742 somewhere near Salem, Oregon, 407 00:18:43,776 --> 00:18:45,744 and they've taken to the woods to survive. 408 00:18:45,778 --> 00:18:48,080 And it's all shits and giggles 409 00:18:48,113 --> 00:18:50,282 for, you know, dad and son here, 410 00:18:50,316 --> 00:18:52,918 and they're just shitting and... and giggling 411 00:18:52,952 --> 00:18:54,920 and building lean-tos until someone's face 412 00:18:54,954 --> 00:18:58,023 gets eaten off, which... 413 00:18:58,057 --> 00:19:02,494 clearly hasn't happened yet, and that's why they're there, so... 414 00:19:02,528 --> 00:19:04,296 Mystery solved. Occam's razor. 415 00:19:04,330 --> 00:19:05,931 You're welcome. Next. 416 00:19:05,965 --> 00:19:08,734 You are so fuckin' weird. 417 00:19:16,675 --> 00:19:19,845 - It's cute. - Mm. 418 00:19:22,581 --> 00:19:24,326 If you'd ask me a year ago where would we be right now, 419 00:19:24,350 --> 00:19:26,919 I would've said, "On your favorite rug 420 00:19:26,952 --> 00:19:29,889 in our perfect Hawthorne Heights home, 421 00:19:29,922 --> 00:19:31,557 staring at our baby, 422 00:19:31,590 --> 00:19:34,260 interpreting every burp or shit 423 00:19:34,293 --> 00:19:35,995 as a sure sign of future greatness." 424 00:19:36,028 --> 00:19:37,496 Yeah. 425 00:19:37,529 --> 00:19:38,998 We would've been that couple 426 00:19:39,031 --> 00:19:41,200 posting a hundred indistinguishable baby photos 427 00:19:41,233 --> 00:19:44,536 on Instagram when really one would be just boring enough. 428 00:19:47,940 --> 00:19:51,677 When did you stop wanting kids? 429 00:19:51,710 --> 00:19:53,212 There wasn't one moment. 430 00:19:53,245 --> 00:19:56,749 It just kinda happened gradually over the years. 431 00:19:56,782 --> 00:20:01,820 Ever consider talking to me about it? 432 00:20:01,854 --> 00:20:05,224 I did. You just never heard me. 433 00:20:07,960 --> 00:20:09,995 So that's how you sleep at night. 434 00:20:10,029 --> 00:20:11,196 I've wondered. 435 00:20:11,230 --> 00:20:12,574 Yeah, and how do you sleep at night 436 00:20:12,598 --> 00:20:14,042 ever since Izzy's high-functioning uterus 437 00:20:14,066 --> 00:20:16,001 became the center of your world? 438 00:20:16,035 --> 00:20:18,837 Please tell me I did not just fucking hear that. 439 00:20:18,871 --> 00:20:20,539 Hold on a sec. 440 00:20:20,572 --> 00:20:22,141 I don't get a side to this story? 441 00:20:22,174 --> 00:20:24,476 No. You absolutely, 100% do not. 442 00:20:24,510 --> 00:20:26,412 Jack, admit it... it was just a matter of time 443 00:20:26,445 --> 00:20:28,147 before you and Izzy thought of me 444 00:20:28,180 --> 00:20:30,316 as the barren first wife who forgot to leave. 445 00:20:30,349 --> 00:20:32,484 No, you do not get to be the wounded one. 446 00:20:32,518 --> 00:20:34,253 You fucking imposter. 447 00:20:34,286 --> 00:20:37,222 "Imposter"? "Imposter"... this from the guy 448 00:20:37,256 --> 00:20:39,658 who hands out mixes of songs he's never heard of. 449 00:20:39,692 --> 00:20:42,094 You hired an escort to get your groove back, 450 00:20:42,127 --> 00:20:43,672 and then you got down on your fucking knees 451 00:20:43,696 --> 00:20:45,164 and begged her to have your baby 452 00:20:45,197 --> 00:20:46,917 right in front of your goddamn fucking wife. 453 00:20:48,901 --> 00:20:51,537 Bravo. Author, author. 454 00:20:51,570 --> 00:20:53,105 Oh, my God, at least see an actual play 455 00:20:53,138 --> 00:20:54,473 before you toss around the jargon. 456 00:20:54,506 --> 00:20:55,674 What about our marriage? Huh? 457 00:20:55,708 --> 00:20:59,478 I had a fucking front-row seat to that bullshit piece of theatre. 458 00:20:59,511 --> 00:21:01,647 Kudos on the surprise ending, by the way. 459 00:21:01,680 --> 00:21:04,216 Corporate jet and a six-line text? 460 00:21:04,249 --> 00:21:07,753 That's fuckin' nice. 461 00:21:07,786 --> 00:21:10,189 Jesus, Emma, how could you do that to me? 462 00:21:12,691 --> 00:21:15,461 I can't do this with you right now. 463 00:21:15,494 --> 00:21:17,496 If you won't leave, I will. 464 00:21:18,530 --> 00:21:19,665 Jack. 465 00:21:19,698 --> 00:21:21,166 Jack! 466 00:21:21,200 --> 00:21:23,302 Just tell me what to do, what to say, how to fix it. 467 00:21:23,335 --> 00:21:25,070 - I want to fix this. - What do you want to do? 468 00:21:25,104 --> 00:21:27,072 You want to be fucking friends? 469 00:21:27,106 --> 00:21:29,475 You want to double date, go to each other's weddings? 470 00:21:29,508 --> 00:21:31,210 Are you fucking kidding me? 471 00:21:31,243 --> 00:21:33,254 You are a delusional psychopath who only builds things 472 00:21:33,278 --> 00:21:34,918 to compensate for everything she destroys. 473 00:21:34,947 --> 00:21:36,749 Fuck you and your diagnosis of me. 474 00:21:36,782 --> 00:21:40,753 Fuck me? You owe me 12 fucking years. 475 00:21:40,786 --> 00:21:42,388 Fuck you! 476 00:21:42,421 --> 00:21:43,989 Fuck you! 477 00:21:44,023 --> 00:21:45,491 Fuck! 478 00:21:47,760 --> 00:21:49,395 - I'm sorry. - Jesus. 479 00:21:49,428 --> 00:21:51,330 Oh, here. Here, let me take a look. 480 00:21:55,334 --> 00:21:56,668 Are you... 481 00:21:56,702 --> 00:21:58,013 Yeah, I don't know. That's like some real 482 00:21:58,037 --> 00:21:59,772 "War of the Roses" type shit, except... 483 00:21:59,805 --> 00:22:04,476 - It was... It was soft. - Softer. Yeah. 484 00:22:04,510 --> 00:22:06,111 Sorry. 485 00:22:18,724 --> 00:22:20,692 So, you're having people over? 486 00:22:20,726 --> 00:22:22,961 Nope. I'm consuming an extra-large pizza, 487 00:22:22,995 --> 00:22:26,665 a case of beer, and 29 bucks worth of candy all by myself. 488 00:22:26,698 --> 00:22:29,568 - I call it "Saturday." - Ah. 489 00:22:30,002 --> 00:22:33,705 So, what now, a... a hug? A shake? A high five? 490 00:22:33,739 --> 00:22:35,841 Uh, I'm good, but thanks. 491 00:22:35,874 --> 00:22:39,044 Ah. Thank you. 492 00:22:39,077 --> 00:22:41,713 Well, it's been a... been a slice, Ben. 493 00:22:41,747 --> 00:22:44,316 S... sorry. 494 00:22:44,349 --> 00:22:46,285 You sure you don't need a hand with that? 495 00:22:46,318 --> 00:22:49,521 No, I got it. It's not my first rodeo. 496 00:22:49,555 --> 00:22:50,989 Isabelle... 497 00:22:51,023 --> 00:22:53,392 Please don't say something stupid and ruin it. 498 00:22:53,425 --> 00:22:56,462 "Don't ruin it"? 499 00:22:56,495 --> 00:22:58,564 So, you mean you thought this went well? 500 00:22:58,597 --> 00:23:00,866 See? Like... Like that. 501 00:23:00,899 --> 00:23:02,534 Okay. 502 00:23:05,304 --> 00:23:07,239 You seriously still do that? 503 00:23:08,874 --> 00:23:10,442 I gave you one for school, remember? 504 00:23:10,476 --> 00:23:12,711 - Yeah. - Well, I guess it worked. 505 00:23:12,744 --> 00:23:14,279 You didn't get kicked out like I did. 506 00:23:14,313 --> 00:23:19,084 Actually, I did. Junior year. 507 00:23:19,117 --> 00:23:20,953 I didn't know that. 508 00:23:20,986 --> 00:23:24,256 There's a lot you don't know. 509 00:23:24,289 --> 00:23:27,926 Yeah. 510 00:23:27,960 --> 00:23:29,761 When do you have classes? 511 00:23:29,795 --> 00:23:33,065 I'm getting my PhD. I don't really have classes. 512 00:23:33,098 --> 00:23:35,234 Right. 513 00:23:35,267 --> 00:23:40,572 But, uh... Monday I have a 10:00 with my advisor. 514 00:23:40,606 --> 00:23:43,175 Why? 515 00:23:46,979 --> 00:23:50,782 Why? 516 00:24:08,734 --> 00:24:10,602 What the fuck? 517 00:24:13,000 --> 00:24:18,000 - Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -