Are you kidding me?
Welcome to the early birds' club.
You thought you'd be first?
Yeah, kind of.
I guess we're gonna be neighbors a while.
I'm Janice Cray.
Hi. I'm August Odenkirk. You can call me Augie.
- Little one here is Patti. - Hey, Patti, hello.
- Oh, my God. She is beautiful. - Thank you.
How old is she?
Almost two months.
I had to bring her.
I can't afford a sitter.
No job, which is, of course, why I'm here.
Cock-fucking-sucker.
Look at all these people.
Yeah, the economy's back alright.
Croup. It sounds worse than it is.
Right. It's alright.
- Alright, be honest with me. - Mm-hm.
I'm standing out here in the cold all night with a baby.
Are would-be employers gonna just take one look
and think, "Irresponsible"?
Well, they might say, "Dedicated."
And they'll take one look at her
and see that hat and these mittens here...
which seem to be homemade...
and they'll think, "She pays attention to detail."
[Baby fussing
You're really good.
Someone's gonna hire you but fast.
Let's hope.
- I'm gonna settle her down. - Yep.
It's okay, though. It's okay, though.
It's fine, right?
Oh, come on. Really?
Sorry.
Jesus.
- Sorry. - That's okay. It's alright.
She's hungry.
- Oh, my God. - What's up?
She is soaked right through, I can feel it.
I can't change her out here in this cold.
Real forward-thinking on your part.
Sir, back off. Come on.
- What am I gonna do? - Um...
Here, take my sleeping bag.
Yeah. Slip in, get warm, get her warm.
You know, if you're cool with it,
why don't you hand me over the baby,
and I'll just grab on to her while you slip in.
- How's that sound? - Okay.
- Alright, cool. Here. Come on. - I'm sorry.
No, don't apologize. It's okay.
- It's okay, it's okay. - It's okay.
- It's okay.
Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. It's okay.
Are you married?
Divorced.
Kids?
No.
Get a room.
What do you kids call it? Hooking up?
Bro, back off.
Why are you being rude?
Okay, okay. Pass her to me.
It's okay, it's okay.
It's okay. I had her first. It's okay. Shh, shh, shh.
- I know, I know, I know. - There you go, there you go.
Here, I'll zip you up. I'll zip you up.
- Okay. - Alright.
Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. It's okay.
There you go.
- There you go. - Can you, uh, hand me a diaper?
- Uh, yeah, sure. - They're in the bag.
I should change her before I feed her.
Got one. Here you go.
- Okay, thank you. - Here you go.
There's a plastic Costco bag. You can just drop it in there.
Yeah, nice. Thank you.
- Okay, how's that? - Okay.
I know, I know.
Hey.
Come on, man.
Kill the headlights.
- Turn 'em off, cow. - Hmm.
God, showing up to a jobs fair in a Mercedes-Benz.
Sign of the times, I guess, right?
Maybe it's the Mayor, coming to check out his big to-do.
He drives one of them sports coupes.
This isn't a coupe. This is a larger model.
Give up, asshole. Turn them off.
Why's he just waiting there?
Well, one thing's for sure, we know he's a fucking asshole.
What the hell?
Move.
- Move! Come on, move. - What?
- Come on, unzip this! - It's stuck!
Come on, come on! Let's go!
Come on! We've got to go! Come on! Get up! Get up!
Move!
No, no, no, no, no!
No!
Holy fuck.
It's worse than it looks.
We got 16 dead, triple that in injuries.
No sign of the car.
Car? You're sure it's not a truck?
Car.
Somebody lost control.
He didn't lose control.
_
Good morning, Ohio.
We've got some gorgeous weather into Bridgton today.
But down to the south for other folks besides Bridgton...
...you've got some showers
and thunderstorm activity on the way.
But the folks in Bridgton
are gonna be nice and mild
as we go throughout the course of the night.
And for the rest of the workweek,
temperatures, though, are going to be
still on the mild side, really for everybody.
We're looking at those numbers...
And that will be what we do
throughout the course of the work...
Yeah?
Man, what time we on for?
Who is this?
Pete. What, I wake you up?
I keep forgetting you retired farts sleep all day.
What do you want?
Lunch. We on, or not?
Bill, can you hear me?
- Yeah. - Alright, see you there.
And wear something nice for me, would you, big guy?
Maybe one of your bright spring ensembles?
Fuck.
Come on. Come on.
Fred.
Where are you, fucker?
Oh, there you are.
There you go, buddy.
Fred!
Yeah. Morning to you, too.
? 'Cause he gets up in the morning ?
? And he goes to work at 9:00 ?
? And he comes back home at 5:30 ?
? Gets the same train every time ?
- ? 'Cause his world is built ? - Fuck.
? 'round punctuality ?
? It never fails ?
? And he's, oh, so good ?
? And he's, oh, so fine ?
? And he's, oh, so healthy ?
? In his body and his mind ?
? He's a well-respected man about town ?
? Doing the best things so conservatively ?
Fuck.
I gotta be honest. You don't look so hot.
Not so sweet on the eye yourself.
You getting any exercise?
Are we married?
You hate it, don't you?
- Retirement. - I don't hate it.
- Hey, handsome. - Hey, Sheila.
Long time.
- Pete. - Morning.
Been missing you around here.
Yeah.
You still got that killer smile?
No.
Oh, come on.
Come on.
There it is. How 'bout coffee?
- Why not? - Okay.
Anything else I can get you boys?
I'll have the, uh, grilled perch and a side of broccoli.
Yeah, I'll have the open-faced roast beef
and mashed potato and gravy.
And a beer.
Okay. Got it.
Okay. We know we're not handsome.
We know she knows we're not handsome.
The question becomes, you think she knows
that we know that she knows we're not handsome?
That's too much thinking for me.
Hey, how's, uh... how's Allie doing?
You talk?
A bit. She seems good.
You know.
Yeah.
You doing okay?
Yeah.
Really?
It's an adjustment.
I remember you like the rum cake for an appetizer.
Does that still hold?
That still holds.
I think he's been enjoying a little too much
of the rum cake lately, Sheila, wouldn't you agree?
Never.
Hmm!
Why would you say something like that?
Now, come on. Don't tell me your sense of humor retired, too.
Well, let's just suppose for a second
that maybe she does find me handsome, you know?
Maybe I'm handsome, maybe I'm not. She's torn, right?
And your little comment possibly tips the scales against me.
- Did you ever think of that? - Mm, mm, I guess I didn't.
- No, you didn't. - I guess I didn't.
No, you didn't.
It's Pete.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Huh. What?
Huh.
Yeah, yeah. I'll be right there.
Unbelievable. You remember Donald Davis?
That sanctimonious cocksucker who killed his wife,
- then set up the reward fund - The reward.
for info leading to her whereabouts?
Game warden just spotted some old bones and a tattered dress
in a gravel pit, less than two miles from his house.
Yeah. I am gonna get this bastard.
I'm sorry, I gotta run.
Can we reschedule?
Sure, yeah. I got this. Go. Go.
How about tomorrow for lunch?
- Sounds good. - Alright.
Something wrong, hon?
What?
With the spoon? Something wrong with it?
Ever notice everything is upside down on a spoon?
Maybe that's how life is, hon.
That spoon has just got it figured out.
? And the night when the cold wind blows ?
? No one cares, nobody knows ?
? I don't wanna be buried ?
? In a Pet Sematary ?
? I don't want to live my life again ?
? I don't wanna be buried ?
? In a Pet Sematary ?
? I don't want to live my life again ?
? I don't wanna be buried ?
? In a Pet Sematary ?
? I don't want to live my life again ?
? I don't wanna be buried ?
? In a Pet Sematary ?
Hey, Brady. How'd it go?
Uh, fine.
Some old lady with a screen-freeze.
How's things here?
Uh, been better.
Evidently, I'm going to Hell.
Some Jesus jumper gave me chapter and verse.
Turns out the Supreme Court lacks jurisdiction over God.
What the hell was that?
You were rude to a customer.
Robi, I wasn't rude.
He was kind enough to give me grooming tips,
and I returned the favor.
I've got in on video, Lou.
You know, if you put on a little lipum-stickum
and a dog collar...
...you could score yourself a date at the Corral,
have yourself a squirt on the Tower of Power.
Thank you for your patronage, sir!
My problem with smart phones is they don't capture context.
Your behavior was unacceptable.
It reflects on the store, this company, and my leadership skills.
The three C's, Lou.
Courtesy. Commitment. Consideration.
Does "rude" begin with a C?
Does "abrasive" begin with a C?
I am really bad at phonics.
Brady, Lou.
Need I remind you both...
it is our relational attributes
that keep us from going the route
of the RadioShacks and the Best Buys.
Our ability to be personable with our cl...
- Are you listening to me? - Yes.
"Personable" is a P word.
That was flippant.
Y'know, I didn't hire both of you recalcitrants
just because you're good with computers.
I hired you because you're waywards,
and one of the ways I like to give back
is by being a beacon with waywards.
Shed a little light on those less-fortunate.
But I got limits, you get my message?
I do. No light for the flippant.
I'd like to say a few words about the state of our economy
and what we're doing to put Americans back to work
and build a new foundation for growth.
Last week, we received a report
on America's gross domestic product,
a key measure of our economics health.
And it showed marked improvement
over the last few months.
This morning, we received additional signs
that the worst may be behind us.
Though we lost 247,000 jobs in July,
that was nearly 200,000 fewer jobs lost than in June
and far fewer...
What's your problem?
My problem is it costs money to maintain my garden and lawn,
all for naught when the yard next door
looks like you're raising ticks.
Yeah.
Kid had his SAT tests or something on Saturday.
Well, that was Saturday. This is Wednesday.
That's true, Ida.
And here's another little nugget that can't be denied.
You should mind your own business.
I never mind my business.
Did you call him, tell him to get his lazy ass over here?
This is the problem with standardized testing.
- Lawns don't get mowed. - Have a nice day, Ida.
I'm going to call him.
And tonight, I have some sea bass.
I bought more than I can eat. So...
No need to defrost the Pepperidge Farm Coconut Cake,
or whatever other delicacy you had planned.
? Ohhhh ?
? Never liked nobody ?
? That's been mean to me ?
? I've got a heart full of stone ?
- ? And I hate the misery ? - ? And I hate the misery ?
? Then you came along ?
- ? Into my life ? - ? Into my life ?
? Destroying me more ?
? Mounting up the toil and strife ?
- ? But I'm a fool for you ? - ? Fool for you ?
- ? I'm a fool for you ? - ? Fool for you ?
? I'm a fool for you ?
Jesus fucking balls.
Hey!
It's a street, not a goddamn hockey rink.
You're damn lucky you didn't break that window.
We apologize.
Yeah, well, I'm tired of finding these things in my shrubs.
Stepped on one last week, I nearly turned my ankle over.
You hear me?
Do you hear me?!
Yes, sir.
Do you want to play, sir?
We're missing a-a goalie.
Do I look like a goalie to you?
Yeah, just sometimes we see you watching us through your window.
You know, it's kind of creepy.
But goalies are weird...
...according to ESPN.
You sure you don't want to be a goalie?
You can wear the Jason mask.
Asshole.
It's very good.
Of course it's good.
If I make something, trust it's gonna be goddamn good.
How long have you had trouble peeing?
Don't give me the look.
I see the Flomax boxes in your garbage.
If you can't be bothered to recycle, I will.
I buy half my groceries with your empty beer bottles.
Street hockey kids asked me to play goalie.
They think I'm weird.
You scare them.
I've heard them talking.
When was the last time you had sex?
Seriously.
You propositioning me, Ida?
Well, what if I am?
- You could do a lot worse. - That's...
Not to mention I live next door.
There's something to be said for convenience.
You got it.
Hygiene, as well.
I'd need you to bathe.
Do you?
Are you being serious here?
Face it, Bill,
I'm your only option if you don't want to pay for it.
Look, you're not an attractive man.
You're out of your mind.
Take a look at that.
That was taken two days ago.
Christ, that's you!
You're buck naked!
Goddamn right I am.
I look incredible!
Let me tell you something.
If you drop dead in that house,
your resale price gets cut in half, and not just yours.
My property values might take a whack as well.
So you want to have sex to protect your resale value.
You're a fucking lunatic.
This physical and emotional inertia...
It's what killed Larry, y'know.
One day he's a college professor.
Then he retires.
Little-by-little, minute-by-minute,
he just retreated from the living.
The depression slithered up like a constrictor.
A slow, choking death.
It was awful.
Sorry.
You need to find some sort of purpose.
I'll leave it at that.
_
Greetings, Detective.
I hope you don't mind me using your title,
even though you're now retired.
I'd like to commend you for...
...commend you for 31 years of splendid service,
27 of them as a decorated detective.
I saw one of the retirement ceremonies
on Channel 2... Public Access.
You looked so proud.
Thinner.
You've put on a few.
You must still be proud.
I bet you broke hundreds of cases.
Many of them high-profile.
Tell me, detective.
Did you catch all the bad guys?
We know the answer to that, don't we?
Some of us still lie in our graves, our murders unavenged.
You made a promise, you said you'd get him.
But you didn't get him.
He's still out there.
You fucking failed.
Everyone's got an opinion.
And I find the murdered to be especially unforgiving.
Were any of us on your mind
when they gave you that plaque at the retirement party?
Did any of them mention me?
Or my little baby?
I barely got to live at all.
Two months.
You got a cocksucking plaque.
I got squished.
A baby, I must say, that was a bonus.
And the mom.
Strawberry jam in a sleeping bag.
Did you know I was actually wearing a condom that night?
So much excitement.
I was afraid I might spontaneously ejaculate!
And I'd have to worry about DNA.
As for my two cents, I'm just missing the ending.
You promised one, 'member?
Take a good look at me, buddy. I'm coming for you.
I'm coming.
I'm coming! I'm coming!
Auntie Em, Auntie Em!
Hey, guess what?
I'm coming, too.
Talk later, buddy.
My love to Fred.
Jerome.
Jerome!
- Shit! - Turn it off!
It's 6:30 in the morning.
Yeah, that crazy-ass lady next door called me
and said if I don't mow your lawn today...
Look, it's now or never, boss.
You any good at computers?
Yeah. You know I am.
Get your ass in here, then.
It just disappeared?
Yeah. I played it once.
Went to play it again. Gone. Whole thing vanished.
- And you didn't accidentally trash it? - I did nothing.
Is it possible for a file to just disappear on its own?
I mean, yes, but you'd be talking
some very high-end software and shit.
- What was on the file? - It's not important.
If it ain't important, then why are you so out of joint?
Aside that being your normal personality.
Do you want me to smack you?
If you got homeowner's, yeah. Shit, I could use the money.
Just tell me... can the video be retrieved, or not?
I mean, I don't know.
Maybe.
You can never really delete anything completely.
It's just not on the surface, though.
Okay.
Look, I'm gonna need more time.
Whoever did this knows his shit.
? I don't wanna make a buck no more ?
? I don't wanna be a bum no more ?
? I don't want your spit, I don't want your hate ?
? I need more than... ?
Carrie and Shane from Katori team were in third position
before starting today's challenge.
They made great time over the suspension bridge,
which has pushed them ahead of both the Raza and Hilu teams.
Will they be able to hold
- their lead through the jungle... - Hey.
...and get to the river to claim victory?
- I brought lunch. - Alright.
Hey, look, I'm watching "Primitive."
Come join, it's a goodie.
I would, but I've got to do work and then head back.
Oh, what's this big project you got going?
Uh, new kind of router.
Come on, come on, sit with me.
Come on, honey, sit with me for just a second, could you, baby?
Come on. Just a sec.
I'm concerned about these circles under your eyes, okay?
I think you're working too hard
with all these different jobs you got going.
Well, if I wanna go to college,
I've gotta earn money to pay for it, right?
My baby, the college boy.
But it can't be all work and no play, honey.
Young person has to have some kind of social life.
I've got friends.
Who?
The lesbian?
Or that boss who's nothing but mean to you, huh?
- They're okay. - Mm-hmm.
You need a little fun in your life,
that's all I'm saying, okay?
Hey, why is it you never had a girlfriend?
Hmm?
I just don't understand this. I mean...
Look, I'm not find... finding fault with you, honey, no.
In fact, just the opposite.
You're smart. You're resourceful.
And you're good-looking.
Do you know how good-looking you are?
I would think the girls would drip off you.
No.
I got to do work, so...
No, wait, wait.
Give Mommy a little kiss.
Can you do that? Give me a little kiss first.
My honey boy.
Uh, no, no, no.
Work, work, work, work, work, work,
work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work.
Give Mommy a little kiss.
Chaos.
19, 18, 17, 16,
15, 14, 13, 12, 11,
10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4...
Darkness.
It's killing you, isn't it?
Truth be told, I don't really miss it too much.
- Right. - I'm serious.
Except maybe...
cases still hanging fire.
I dwell on them a bit.
Starting with right there...
The City Park Rapist.
Can't believe we didn't get him.
Yeah. We will.
Thing about rapists, they always strike again.
Then, there's the Mercedes killer.
Anything new on that?
Nah.
I ain't sure there ever will be.
Been what, two years? Likely a one-off.
My money, he was probably coming to the job fair,
saw the long line ahead of him, and flipped out.
He stole a Mercedes to go to a job fair? That doesn't make sense.
Is the case still active?
I mean, for real, anybody doing actual work on it?
It's active, Bill.
You're never gonna let it go, are you?
Just making conversation.
Camaraderie for my health.
Ah, okay.
Ah.
She killed herself, y'know. That's new.
Olivia Trelawney.
The woman whose Mercedes was stolen.
Yeah, Pete, I know who she was.
She owned some blame after all.
Swallowed some pills.
Fuck.
Was it ever disclosed
Smiley Face sticker was found on the steering wheel?
Don't think so.
What about the Clown Face?
Ever reported witnesses saw the driver wearing the mask, or...
Why do you ask?
Ah, it was never recovered, right?
Just wondering.
Here you go, Mr. Tech Whiz, six out calls.
Uh, I was actually planning to leave by 3:00.
- You were planning to leave by 3:00? - My other job.
You have another job?
What is this other vocation, Brady?
Inventing space ships with Elon Muskrat, whatever the fuck his name is?
- Back off, Robi. - I will not back off.
Now, whether you choose to see me as such or not,
I'm sort of your mentor in life.
Oh, yeah. He's going into full beacon mode.
Go ahead. Beam us.
You ain't got a father.
And your mother, well... I mean, no offense,
I like the vodka myself, but not on my Rice Krispies,
if you get my drift.
You need to take good mentor advice where you can get it.
This is your job right here, Brady.
This is your career.
You sticker DVDs,
you help old fackakas with dementia
get Polident out of their laptops.
There's nothing wrong with that. It's a role in society.
A lot of people don't got roles. You do.
But you will never be happy
unless you both appreciate what you have
and accept what you are.
You're positive you didn't download any application?
I don't even know how to download.
Well, there's all kinds of software to make files disappear and shit,
but both parties need to have it installed,
and I can't find anything.
Could he have hacked my computer and then downloaded it?
I don't know.
It's possible, some kind of malware or something.
Can you at least tell me what you saw?
It's private.
Nothing's private anymore.
You expecting somebody?
No.
Are you serious?
Stay where you are.
Oh, for God's sake.
And what's he doing here?
We're having a party.
What do you want, Ida?
I'd like a minute.
Alone, if possible.
Yeah, I'll talk to you later.
Yeah?
You hurt my feelings.
I wasn't gonna say anything,
but keeping pain to myself is not a strength.
Should you desire or not desire
to have sexual relations with me...
certainly your choice...
I take well-earned pride in my physical appearance.
- That's what this is about? - Yes.
For you to be so repulsed by my body...
I wasn't repulsed.
You nearly gagged on your own vomit.
I was repulsed by the fact
that you were showing me naked photographs of yourself.
I wasn't reacting to how you looked.
I'm a handsome woman.
I never said you weren't.
And yet you couldn't bring yourself to look at the pictures.
You recoiled.
Come on. I didn't recoil.
You recoiled. I saw it.
What do you want from me, Ida?
I want you to look at the picture.
You want me to look at the picture.
- Yes. - For what purpose?
Because you're my neighbor and I want to be friends with you.
And I don't think I can be friends with somebody
who recoils at the sight of my naked body.
I realize that's a deficit of mine but I am what I am.
Fine.
Very nice.
It's lovely.
Jesus fucking Christ!
_
Just got me thinking.
All the pranks and taunts and shit we got with that case.
Has that continued?
You know, anything recent happen that...
No. Why do you ask?
Just told you, I'm curious.
You're, uh, curious?
I worked a long time on that case.
After our conversation yesterday, just got me thinking.
Ah, that conversation we had about the Park Rapist
that you segued into a conversation
about the Mercedes killer. That conversation?
Why you talking to me like that?
Because of all the cases for you to obsesses over,
- this is the one... - I'm not obsessing,
I just asked you any recent suspicious...
...more than any other that led to your demise.
No, listen, never mind!
Bill, you need to never mind.
16 people died, we're meant to just forget it?
I'm not, I'm still on the case.
You're meant to forget it, you're retired.
I'm going to work.
Good morning, sir.
Uh, do you carry surveillance cameras?
Uh, why yes we do, sir...
security cams, nanny cams, drop cams,
and we can not only provide the equipment,
we can service all your installation needs as well.
I can install it myself, I just want the merchandise.
It's right over there.
Actually, let me show you where it's located.
One can never take security too seriously,
that's what I always say.
We live in an increasingly dangerous world.
Vigilance is an American value.
"One if by land. Two if by sea."
Our wonderful country began with that.
Give it a rest, would you?
Yeah, sure, I'll just leave you with the merchandise.
Is this good?
Yeah, that's... that's a good one.
Thanks.
- I'll take this. - Yes, sir.
Not a chance.
This will be the last time, I swear.
You said the last time would be the last time.
- And the time before that. - Yeah.
- I promise, this will be the last time. - You're a civilian.
I give civilians access to evidence, I lose my job.
Marty.
My therapist is saying I gotta get closure and shit.
Personally, I think closure's over-fucking-rated.
But the nightmares, the panic attacks, I could do without.
He says I gotta take certain steps.
This is one of 'em.
Five minutes.
I'll let you hold the watch, you know, the expensive watch I got
for 36 years of distinguished service.
Please.
Appreciate it.
Hey, you want maybe I can angle that one into Ida's backyard?
You could watch her sunbathe in the nude.
She'd like that.
I want a full panoramic if you can get it.
Yeah, you got it.
You ever thought about getting a guard dog?
Um, not that your turtle ain't scary.
It's a tortoise.
Oh.
And you got into Harvard.
Yeah, I did.
You know, we could program this shit right into your iPhone
so you can watch it from anywhere.
In some movie theater, bored to shit
over whether Iron Man's getting it on with Wonder Woman,
you just whip out your phone, and see who's breaking into your house.
Yeah, I'll keep that in mind.
Ooh, okay. How 'bout we take a break,
and you treat me to a Whistle Pop.
That's an ice cream, boss.
I'll have a brownie delight, no whipped cream.
Ooh, watching your figure, are you?
So help me, I will smack you.
- You know that, don't you? - Okay, I'm kidding.
Fucking kids.
Hello, friendly friends!
Can I have Berry Good, please?
Oof, well that depends.
- Have you been a Berry Good girl? - Yes.
Well, then I guess you can have one.
There you go, sweetheart.
Who's next?
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