1
00:00:00,211 --> 00:00:03,289
My name is Chip. Life's been
knocking me on my butt lately.

2
00:00:03,421 --> 00:00:05,218
My best friend died out of nowhere.

3
00:00:05,380 --> 00:00:06,792
Ah, I'm really gonna miss you, Ray.

4
00:00:07,180 --> 00:00:09,041
- And my wife, well...
- Your girl's pregnant.

5
00:00:09,555 --> 00:00:11,657
I hadn't opened a Bible in 20 years,

6
00:00:11,659 --> 00:00:14,184
but it's helped so many and...
I needed help.

7
00:00:14,286 --> 00:00:15,628
I've decided to live my life

8
00:00:15,630 --> 00:00:18,726
100% by the Bible. To the letter.

9
00:00:19,782 --> 00:00:21,093
I get that reaction a lot.

10
00:00:21,118 --> 00:00:23,017
But with the help of my God Squad,

11
00:00:23,042 --> 00:00:24,303
I'm becoming a better man,

12
00:00:24,305 --> 00:00:25,838
one verse at a time.

13
00:00:26,113 --> 00:00:29,142
I am living biblically.

14
00:00:31,746 --> 00:00:32,945
Hey.

15
00:00:32,947 --> 00:00:34,964
Chip, you are not gonna
believe what happened...

16
00:00:34,989 --> 00:00:36,349
and you're not listening.

17
00:00:38,348 --> 00:00:41,074
I'm sorry. I was just watching
a YouTube compilation

18
00:00:41,099 --> 00:00:42,307
of goats being scared.

19
00:00:42,332 --> 00:00:43,643
I mean, every time,

20
00:00:43,668 --> 00:00:45,152
it's like...

21
00:00:46,933 --> 00:00:48,628
I didn't get Beyoncé tickets in time,

22
00:00:48,685 --> 00:00:49,965
and now they're sold out.

23
00:00:50,081 --> 00:00:53,687
- Oh.
- Why? Why?

24
00:00:53,768 --> 00:00:56,502
Oh, hey. Hey, it's okay.

25
00:00:56,585 --> 00:00:58,355
It's just Beyoncé.

26
00:00:59,769 --> 00:01:01,980
Just Beyoncé?

27
00:01:02,167 --> 00:01:03,167
Chip,

28
00:01:03,347 --> 00:01:04,947
have you even listened to Lemonade?

29
00:01:05,189 --> 00:01:06,913
Yeah, you played it
for me when it came out.

30
00:01:06,915 --> 00:01:08,314
I thought it was pretty good.

31
00:01:09,082 --> 00:01:10,083
Pretty good?

32
00:01:10,256 --> 00:01:11,588
You can't just listen to Lemonade

33
00:01:11,613 --> 00:01:13,209
and think it's pretty good.

34
00:01:13,521 --> 00:01:15,655
But... I did.

35
00:01:17,053 --> 00:01:18,925
I think she's a talented singer.

36
00:01:19,598 --> 00:01:21,055
A talented singer?

37
00:01:22,809 --> 00:01:25,538
You know, I-I feel like
I'm saying something normal

38
00:01:25,602 --> 00:01:28,048
and then you're just
repeating it, but angry.

39
00:01:30,079 --> 00:01:32,555
Beyoncé is not just Beyoncé.

40
00:01:32,711 --> 00:01:36,175
She is a goddess and I worship her.

41
00:01:37,723 --> 00:01:39,277
Well, now, see...

42
00:01:40,098 --> 00:01:43,216
I've just been reading
about this in my Bible.

43
00:01:45,757 --> 00:01:47,546
And it sounds to me like

44
00:01:47,577 --> 00:01:51,010
you're bordering on
the ole false idols territory.

45
00:01:51,049 --> 00:01:53,711
Nah. There's nothing
false about Beyoncé.

46
00:01:53,931 --> 00:01:54,975
Ah.

47
00:01:55,662 --> 00:01:57,296
How would you feel if, um...

48
00:01:57,298 --> 00:01:59,461
Jesus at the Barclays Center
was sold out,

49
00:01:59,508 --> 00:02:02,802
and I was like, "Hey, calm down,
it's just some dude in sandals"

50
00:02:03,146 --> 00:02:06,072
Just some dude in sandals?

51
00:02:07,642 --> 00:02:10,843
I bet Beyoncé couldn't
turn water into wine.

52
00:02:11,085 --> 00:02:13,779
She turned a cheating
husband into Lemonade.

53
00:02:18,024 --> 00:02:19,368
So a false idol

54
00:02:19,629 --> 00:02:22,931
is anything you worship
above God, right?

55
00:02:23,091 --> 00:02:26,092
So when God says,
"Do not worship false idols,"

56
00:02:26,893 --> 00:02:28,656
he's talking about Beyoncé.

57
00:02:28,860 --> 00:02:30,986
Tread lightly here, Chip.

58
00:02:31,232 --> 00:02:34,167
I, myself, am an active member
of the Bey Hive.

59
00:02:34,661 --> 00:02:35,695
Yes,

60
00:02:35,720 --> 00:02:37,115
as you're describing it,

61
00:02:37,305 --> 00:02:40,006
Beyoncé could be considered
a false idol for Leslie.

62
00:02:40,106 --> 00:02:42,520
But let's talk about you, Chip,
because you know, remember,

63
00:02:42,810 --> 00:02:44,013
when you point your finger,

64
00:02:44,212 --> 00:02:46,479
you have three more
pointing back at you.

65
00:02:46,481 --> 00:02:47,777
Oh.

66
00:02:47,802 --> 00:02:49,936
Well, not if you're my cousin,
Fireworks Bill.

67
00:02:52,820 --> 00:02:55,873
The question wasn't,
"Does your cousin have fingers"

68
00:02:56,459 --> 00:02:58,744
The question was,
"Do you have any false idols?"

69
00:02:59,174 --> 00:03:01,752
Hmm... I don't think so.

70
00:03:02,463 --> 00:03:04,345
I did see Michael Keaton
at a sandwich shop once

71
00:03:04,370 --> 00:03:05,736
and I bowed to him.

72
00:03:07,437 --> 00:03:09,368
A false idol doesn't even
have to be a person.

73
00:03:09,422 --> 00:03:12,605
The first false idol
was a calf made out of gold.

74
00:03:13,339 --> 00:03:14,722
Doesn't zazz me up,

75
00:03:14,747 --> 00:03:16,876
but, hey, I wasn't there,
maybe it was a great calf.

76
00:03:17,766 --> 00:03:19,656
Oh, you know who's got great calves?

77
00:03:19,687 --> 00:03:21,035
Mike Keaton.

78
00:03:22,217 --> 00:03:23,516
I wonder what he's filming now.

79
00:03:23,518 --> 00:03:24,950
Let me tell you a story.

80
00:03:25,192 --> 00:03:26,840
I had a convertible once.

81
00:03:26,903 --> 00:03:28,154
Ooh, Mustang.

82
00:03:28,387 --> 00:03:29,422
Miata.

83
00:03:31,127 --> 00:03:34,610
Cherry red, beautiful.
I'd drive around town,

84
00:03:34,635 --> 00:03:36,174
my hair blowing in the wind.

85
00:03:36,643 --> 00:03:38,965
So this story is from a while ago.

86
00:03:39,082 --> 00:03:40,499
Yeah.

87
00:03:40,895 --> 00:03:42,902
But I had to give it up

88
00:03:42,904 --> 00:03:46,735
because I woke up thinking
about the car instead of God.

89
00:03:46,930 --> 00:03:49,709
And that's where it
gets dicey, biblically.

90
00:03:51,667 --> 00:03:52,675
Hello?

91
00:03:52,823 --> 00:03:53,846
Chip?

92
00:03:54,081 --> 00:03:55,181
Look at yourself.

93
00:03:55,550 --> 00:03:58,351
Perhaps your false idol is your phone.

94
00:03:58,639 --> 00:04:00,639
No, it's not.

95
00:04:00,755 --> 00:04:03,055
Would you give up your phone
if God asked you to?

96
00:04:03,325 --> 00:04:05,177
God would never ask me to do that.

97
00:04:06,524 --> 00:04:08,757
God asked Abraham to kill his only son.

98
00:04:08,857 --> 00:04:10,955
Yeah, but he didn't ask him
to give up his phone.

99
00:04:13,001 --> 00:04:15,257
Look, Chip, it's okay to admit it.

100
00:04:16,037 --> 00:04:17,903
You're not the only one. Look around.

101
00:04:20,751 --> 00:04:21,771
Wow.

102
00:04:22,577 --> 00:04:24,994
Nobody's even talking to each other.

103
00:04:26,111 --> 00:04:28,178
We're all just worshipping at the altars

104
00:04:28,203 --> 00:04:30,203
of our tiny, little idols.

105
00:04:31,052 --> 00:04:34,353
Oh, man, what do I do? Oh, Google it.

106
00:04:36,880 --> 00:04:38,021
Whoa.

107
00:04:39,193 --> 00:04:41,894
The Bible is very clear on false idols.

108
00:04:41,896 --> 00:04:44,422
They are forbidden.

109
00:04:44,565 --> 00:04:45,765
That's right.

110
00:04:45,912 --> 00:04:48,379
That's why Moses got his smashing stick

111
00:04:48,436 --> 00:04:51,067
and went and he smashed
that golden calf.

112
00:04:51,472 --> 00:04:54,269
He smashed it real good.

113
00:04:54,371 --> 00:04:57,272
Smash, smash.

114
00:04:57,415 --> 00:04:59,589
Smash! Smash!

115
00:05:01,823 --> 00:05:02,848
Okay!

116
00:05:03,260 --> 00:05:04,717
- Oh!
- Oh!

117
00:05:07,212 --> 00:05:08,954
Wh-Why'd you smash your phone?

118
00:05:09,306 --> 00:05:11,524
Wh... he told me to.

119
00:05:12,227 --> 00:05:13,793
I didn't tell you to smash your phone.

120
00:05:13,829 --> 00:05:16,399
You said the word "smash,"
like, 70 times.

121
00:05:17,837 --> 00:05:19,853
I thought maybe you'd turn it off

122
00:05:19,946 --> 00:05:22,160
- and put it in a drawer for a day.
- Okay.

123
00:05:23,277 --> 00:05:26,072
You think maybe if I put it
in a bag of rice?

124
00:05:29,777 --> 00:05:32,270
Oh, Chip, please tell me
you insured your phone.

125
00:05:32,341 --> 00:05:33,675
Yes, of course I did,

126
00:05:33,734 --> 00:05:36,515
but apparently, intentionally
destroying it isn't covered.

127
00:05:36,601 --> 00:05:39,018
It's like, what am I paying you for?

128
00:05:39,690 --> 00:05:41,010
Why didn't you just lie?

129
00:05:41,104 --> 00:05:43,472
Jesus. Jesus.

130
00:05:44,221 --> 00:05:47,222
So, I am going phoneless, obviously.

131
00:05:47,357 --> 00:05:49,911
And while I'm at it, no social media,

132
00:05:50,060 --> 00:05:51,325
and no surfing the Net.

133
00:05:51,442 --> 00:05:52,539
- Hm.
- Oh.

134
00:05:52,746 --> 00:05:55,066
You know why those things have
an apple on them, don't you?

135
00:05:55,165 --> 00:05:57,833
Temptation. Huh? Think about it.

136
00:05:59,427 --> 00:06:01,236
Since I won't have my phone tomorrow,

137
00:06:01,271 --> 00:06:03,314
it means I will not have
any of my beloved apps,

138
00:06:03,494 --> 00:06:05,033
and so I have replaced them

139
00:06:05,058 --> 00:06:06,705
with all of their
old-school counterparts.

140
00:06:06,744 --> 00:06:07,744
Mm.

141
00:06:07,769 --> 00:06:10,389
We have: a watch, a map...

142
00:06:10,414 --> 00:06:11,420
Okay.

143
00:06:11,725 --> 00:06:13,225
... a compass,

144
00:06:14,918 --> 00:06:18,720
calculator... huh? Discman,

145
00:06:19,490 --> 00:06:21,757
a disposable camera

146
00:06:22,648 --> 00:06:24,881
and, of course, my Bible.

147
00:06:27,642 --> 00:06:29,788
Just... get in there.

148
00:06:30,701 --> 00:06:31,991
Ha.

149
00:06:32,202 --> 00:06:34,836
Check this out. Old-school selfie.

150
00:06:40,124 --> 00:06:41,130
That'll be fun

151
00:06:41,155 --> 00:06:42,951
to look at in a month.

152
00:06:43,047 --> 00:06:45,203
Chip, now that you've gone all '90s,

153
00:06:45,228 --> 00:06:47,439
how is your pregnant wife
supposed to get ahold of you

154
00:06:47,472 --> 00:06:48,494
in the present?

155
00:06:48,619 --> 00:06:49,642
Glad you asked that.

156
00:06:49,820 --> 00:06:52,033
I have reactivated my old beeper.

157
00:06:52,080 --> 00:06:53,086
Huh?

158
00:06:53,111 --> 00:06:55,860
So, now you can reach me
in case of emergency.

159
00:06:56,422 --> 00:06:58,026
Okay, good, 'cause this already feels

160
00:06:58,028 --> 00:06:59,561
like a huge emergency to me.

161
00:07:00,761 --> 00:07:01,763
Come in bed.

162
00:07:01,765 --> 00:07:05,067
Woo-hoo! This is gonna be great.

163
00:07:08,833 --> 00:07:11,073
It's noon. Where the hell is Chip?

164
00:07:11,457 --> 00:07:13,075
I don't know. I'm not his mama.

165
00:07:14,558 --> 00:07:16,416
Sorry, Ms. Meadows. I'm on no sleep.

166
00:07:16,441 --> 00:07:18,338
I got obsessed with
this ten-part documentary

167
00:07:18,363 --> 00:07:20,605
called Cereal Killer.
I was up all night.

168
00:07:21,000 --> 00:07:22,384
I don't get serial killers.

169
00:07:22,617 --> 00:07:24,910
You want to kill one person,
fine, but then cool it.

170
00:07:25,542 --> 00:07:27,222
No, cereal like breakfast cereal.

171
00:07:27,247 --> 00:07:28,690
It's about this girl that's the heir

172
00:07:28,692 --> 00:07:31,035
to the Cocoa Puffs fortune
and then she just...

173
00:07:31,060 --> 00:07:32,360
Vanished into thin air.

174
00:07:33,063 --> 00:07:34,496
I was up all night, too.

175
00:07:34,850 --> 00:07:36,286
This is my ninth coffee today.

176
00:07:36,311 --> 00:07:38,530
I've spent more time peeing
than not peeing.

177
00:07:39,482 --> 00:07:40,702
Where is Chip?

178
00:07:40,704 --> 00:07:42,630
I sent him a text last night.
He never responded.

179
00:07:42,873 --> 00:07:44,172
Strong emoji use, too.

180
00:07:44,174 --> 00:07:46,652
The black guy and a white guy
was high-fiving.

181
00:07:47,277 --> 00:07:48,910
I figured he'd know it was us.

182
00:07:49,121 --> 00:07:50,378
Yeah, he hasn't tweeted either,

183
00:07:50,380 --> 00:07:52,029
and that boy tweets way too much.

184
00:07:52,115 --> 00:07:55,709
Yet I get banned for posting
one tasteful topless selfie.

185
00:07:56,386 --> 00:07:59,876
Okay, I don't care about
the tweeting or the texting,

186
00:07:59,901 --> 00:08:01,423
I just want to know why he isn't here.

187
00:08:01,425 --> 00:08:03,825
Vince, call him. He's your work wife.

188
00:08:04,668 --> 00:08:06,430
Oh, just like you and me.
Right, Ms. Meadows?

189
00:08:06,669 --> 00:08:09,197
No, Cheryl. A thousand times, no.

190
00:08:10,566 --> 00:08:12,847
Straight to voice mail. That's weird.

191
00:08:13,917 --> 00:08:15,088
Just like in the documentary,

192
00:08:15,113 --> 00:08:16,873
when they call
that missing Cocoa Puffs girl.

193
00:08:16,898 --> 00:08:18,573
Well, you don't think he's missing?

194
00:08:18,575 --> 00:08:21,576
Okay, you guys are
all cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.

195
00:08:27,367 --> 00:08:28,612
Leslie?

196
00:08:30,730 --> 00:08:32,320
What time is it?

197
00:08:34,158 --> 00:08:36,961
Stupid watch.

198
00:08:36,986 --> 00:08:38,758
This is why phones replaced you.

199
00:08:40,864 --> 00:08:42,063
Yeah.

200
00:08:43,680 --> 00:08:44,733
Hey, man.

201
00:08:44,735 --> 00:08:47,763
Ooh, gift. Ah, do you
know what time it is?

202
00:08:47,788 --> 00:08:49,504
- Little after noon.
- What?

203
00:08:49,529 --> 00:08:53,037
Sorry, it's supposed to be here
three hours ago, but, eh.

204
00:08:53,959 --> 00:08:56,811
I got to get to work.
Oh, my gosh. What is this?

205
00:08:56,813 --> 00:08:59,381
Salami and beer and, ooh,

206
00:08:59,383 --> 00:09:01,122
cheese that doesn't need
to be refrigerated.

207
00:09:01,160 --> 00:09:03,027
These are all my favorite things.

208
00:09:03,903 --> 00:09:05,223
Oh, no.

209
00:09:06,023 --> 00:09:08,267
It's my "Love-Aversary."

210
00:09:08,727 --> 00:09:11,250
Yeah, I don't know what that is. Um...

211
00:09:11,820 --> 00:09:12,861
Please sign here, sir.

212
00:09:12,863 --> 00:09:14,896
Oh, you don't understand, delivery guy,

213
00:09:14,898 --> 00:09:16,332
my wife sent me this basket

214
00:09:16,357 --> 00:09:18,380
because this is the day
we celebrate the first time

215
00:09:18,405 --> 00:09:20,702
we said, "I love you."
It's our "Love-Aversary."

216
00:09:21,481 --> 00:09:23,238
Uh, just an "x" is fine.

217
00:09:25,260 --> 00:09:26,741
I always forget, too.

218
00:09:26,854 --> 00:09:29,744
That's why, the night before,
I get an alert on my phone,

219
00:09:29,931 --> 00:09:31,413
but I don't have my phone anymore.

220
00:09:31,415 --> 00:09:33,166
I smashed it because of the Bible.

221
00:09:34,681 --> 00:09:36,192
I'll just sign it.

222
00:09:38,422 --> 00:09:40,031
Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

223
00:09:40,857 --> 00:09:42,640
I'm having an affair with my boss.

224
00:09:43,026 --> 00:09:45,493
Can't look my wife in the eye.
It's tearing me apart.

225
00:09:47,191 --> 00:09:48,357
Ding-dong.

226
00:09:48,865 --> 00:09:52,096
Sorry to interrupt. What was your name?

227
00:09:52,276 --> 00:09:53,464
Uh... Rick.

228
00:09:53,956 --> 00:09:55,968
Rick, I need help.
Can I borrow Father Gene?

229
00:09:55,993 --> 00:09:57,891
Chip, you can't just barge in here.

230
00:09:57,916 --> 00:09:58,939
Oh, no. It's not a barge.

231
00:09:58,964 --> 00:10:01,049
It's just a little pop-in
before I get on the subway.

232
00:10:01,074 --> 00:10:03,118
You can't pop in either.
Who are you, Kramer?

233
00:10:03,143 --> 00:10:04,395
Wait outside.

234
00:10:05,004 --> 00:10:07,029
You don't understand.
I forgot my "Love-Aversary."

235
00:10:07,161 --> 00:10:08,550
I don't know what that is.

236
00:10:08,856 --> 00:10:10,143
It's the anni...

237
00:10:11,337 --> 00:10:12,845
Rick, can you scooch?

238
00:10:13,985 --> 00:10:15,514
It's the anniversary of the first time

239
00:10:15,539 --> 00:10:17,360
my wife and I said, "I love you."

240
00:10:17,385 --> 00:10:20,219
She got me a great gift, and I
don't have anything for her.

241
00:10:20,397 --> 00:10:22,063
How is this more
important than my thing?

242
00:10:22,159 --> 00:10:24,874
It's not a competition, Rick.
We're both sinners.

243
00:10:26,248 --> 00:10:27,802
Chip, this isn't a priest problem.

244
00:10:27,804 --> 00:10:29,437
Can't you call somebody else about this?

245
00:10:29,439 --> 00:10:32,073
No, I can't because you
told me to smash my phone.

246
00:10:32,075 --> 00:10:33,608
No, I didn't. Gil did.

247
00:10:33,610 --> 00:10:37,145
Look, I know that she
really wants Beyoncé tickets,

248
00:10:37,147 --> 00:10:38,399
but they're totally sold out.

249
00:10:38,711 --> 00:10:40,215
Go to the box office.

250
00:10:40,217 --> 00:10:42,117
Sometimes miracles happen.

251
00:10:42,897 --> 00:10:44,384
Are you just trying to get rid of me?

252
00:10:44,409 --> 00:10:45,420
- Yes.
- Yes.

253
00:10:47,020 --> 00:10:48,106
Okay, box office.

254
00:10:48,186 --> 00:10:49,630
I'll go there right now.

255
00:10:49,677 --> 00:10:50,854
Don't you have a job?

256
00:10:50,927 --> 00:10:52,916
And we're back to the Rick Show.

257
00:10:53,397 --> 00:10:55,315
Yes, I do have a job.

258
00:10:55,370 --> 00:10:57,537
But today I'm putting love first.

259
00:10:57,634 --> 00:10:59,932
Something Mrs. Rick might appreciate.

260
00:11:04,650 --> 00:11:07,108
I got to get a lock on that curtain.

261
00:11:09,386 --> 00:11:11,084
Where am I?

262
00:11:12,637 --> 00:11:14,381
I've walked off the map.

263
00:11:14,569 --> 00:11:16,584
I've walked off the edge of the map.

264
00:11:17,415 --> 00:11:19,334
This is why phones replaced you.

265
00:11:21,006 --> 00:11:22,612
Oh, hey, excuse me, could you...?

266
00:11:22,854 --> 00:11:24,353
Of course you are.

267
00:11:24,355 --> 00:11:28,243
Come on. You made it
30 years without a stupid phone.

268
00:11:28,268 --> 00:11:30,321
You got a big, beautiful brain. Use it!

269
00:11:31,167 --> 00:11:32,634
Ah, compass.

270
00:11:32,966 --> 00:11:34,065
Thank you, brain.

271
00:11:34,090 --> 00:11:38,326
Okay. So, this way is northeast.

272
00:11:38,797 --> 00:11:40,519
How does that help me?

273
00:11:42,974 --> 00:11:44,316
I just called Chip again.

274
00:11:44,341 --> 00:11:45,544
Went straight to voice mail.

275
00:11:45,569 --> 00:11:47,770
What kind of lazy bastard
doesn't even bother

276
00:11:47,825 --> 00:11:49,206
to call in sick to work?

277
00:11:49,231 --> 00:11:51,465
Um, maybe the kind of lazy bastard

278
00:11:51,490 --> 00:11:53,023
that's recently been murdered?

279
00:11:53,418 --> 00:11:54,724
He's fine, Cheryl.

280
00:11:54,749 --> 00:11:55,787
I'll prove it.

281
00:11:55,944 --> 00:11:58,511
There's nothing Chip likes more
than watching videos of people

282
00:11:58,536 --> 00:12:00,000
getting hit in the face with pies...

283
00:12:01,042 --> 00:12:04,459
except watching videos of people
fall off of treadmills.

284
00:12:05,496 --> 00:12:07,482
Well, I'm about to post a video of a guy

285
00:12:07,507 --> 00:12:08,906
getting hit in the face with a pie

286
00:12:08,931 --> 00:12:10,298
while falling off of a treadmill.

287
00:12:11,539 --> 00:12:12,545
And if he doesn't hit

288
00:12:12,570 --> 00:12:14,423
that "like" button, then we worry.

289
00:12:20,206 --> 00:12:23,139
And so... we wait.

290
00:12:26,902 --> 00:12:28,702
This is boring as ass.

291
00:12:30,188 --> 00:12:32,541
Vince, please, call his wife.

292
00:12:32,596 --> 00:12:33,596
Good idea.

293
00:12:35,641 --> 00:12:37,474
Hey, Leslie. It's Vince.

294
00:12:37,929 --> 00:12:40,050
Hey, uh, you know where Chip is?

295
00:12:40,331 --> 00:12:43,933
At work? Yeah, sure he is. Yes.

296
00:12:45,382 --> 00:12:47,048
Oh, oh, here he is now.

297
00:12:47,073 --> 00:12:48,815
Hey, Chip.

298
00:12:48,840 --> 00:12:51,031
Oh, he brought me coffee.
Cool, thanks a lot, Chip.

299
00:12:51,056 --> 00:12:53,590
Ooh, almond milk. Just
the way I like it.

300
00:12:56,777 --> 00:12:59,678
Yo, you hilarious, Chip.

301
00:12:59,977 --> 00:13:01,341
Okay, got to go, Leslie.

302
00:13:01,366 --> 00:13:02,409
Talk to you later.

303
00:13:02,473 --> 00:13:03,737
Chip's dead.

304
00:13:08,880 --> 00:13:11,414
Obviously sad, but once
we've processed it,

305
00:13:11,439 --> 00:13:12,739
I'd love credit for being right.

306
00:13:13,914 --> 00:13:16,656
Okay. No more coffee for you two.

307
00:13:16,681 --> 00:13:19,807
You cracked-out morons
are all jacked up on beans.

308
00:13:20,335 --> 00:13:23,033
All right, before we declare Chip dead,

309
00:13:23,122 --> 00:13:24,744
let's just check his calendar.

310
00:13:24,848 --> 00:13:27,115
He's a film critic. Maybe he's at a film.

311
00:13:27,267 --> 00:13:30,264
Seems like a pretty big leap, but okay.

312
00:13:32,569 --> 00:13:33,852
A bloody shirt.

313
00:13:34,721 --> 00:13:36,354
Okay, that is not ideal.

314
00:13:36,591 --> 00:13:38,057
Is that Chip's blood?

315
00:13:47,454 --> 00:13:48,564
No clue.

316
00:13:51,351 --> 00:13:54,418
A bloody shirt, no like on my video.

317
00:13:54,506 --> 00:13:56,239
Ms. Meadows, my best friend
is in trouble.

318
00:13:56,264 --> 00:13:57,354
I'm going to his apartment.

319
00:13:57,379 --> 00:13:58,386
I'm going, too.

320
00:13:58,411 --> 00:13:59,610
Do you guys seriously think

321
00:13:59,635 --> 00:14:00,881
something happened to Chip?

322
00:14:00,944 --> 00:14:02,537
I mean, he's gonna be fine.

323
00:14:02,607 --> 00:14:04,674
He's got God on his side by now.

324
00:14:06,059 --> 00:14:07,358
All right, go ahead.

325
00:14:07,930 --> 00:14:09,806
Just text me when you know he's okay.

326
00:14:10,260 --> 00:14:11,734
Oh, damn it. I'm coming, too.

327
00:14:13,368 --> 00:14:15,672
Should we still text you
if we know he's okay?

328
00:14:18,023 --> 00:14:19,322
Don't worry, Chip.

329
00:14:19,864 --> 00:14:22,211
You're in pretty good hands.

330
00:14:26,994 --> 00:14:29,027
Excuse me, ma'am. I am not a predator.

331
00:14:29,099 --> 00:14:30,316
I'm just...

332
00:14:30,359 --> 00:14:32,226
I said I was not a predator.

333
00:14:32,814 --> 00:14:34,828
Hey. Hey, gents. Could you point me

334
00:14:34,853 --> 00:14:36,475
in the direction of the Barclays Center?

335
00:14:38,031 --> 00:14:40,030
Yeah, the big, old nerd

336
00:14:40,055 --> 00:14:41,835
in the fanny pack's funny, isn't it?

337
00:14:43,031 --> 00:14:44,913
That phone is your golden calf, player.

338
00:14:45,172 --> 00:14:46,179
Hey.

339
00:14:46,204 --> 00:14:47,773
You boys ever read the Bible? Hmm?

340
00:14:48,483 --> 00:14:49,490
- Sir.
- Yeah.

341
00:14:49,515 --> 00:14:50,523
What is going on here?

342
00:14:50,562 --> 00:14:52,937
Nothing. I was, uh, just telling
these kids that they're all

343
00:14:52,962 --> 00:14:54,220
going to hell. Is that illegal?

344
00:14:54,265 --> 00:14:55,451
It's not great.

345
00:14:55,476 --> 00:14:58,443
Look, I am just trying to find
the Barclays Center box office.

346
00:14:58,498 --> 00:15:00,868
- It's northeast.
- I don't know what that means!

347
00:15:01,578 --> 00:15:02,750
Half a mile that way,

348
00:15:02,775 --> 00:15:04,376
but they're closing
in about ten minutes.

349
00:15:04,401 --> 00:15:07,269
Oh. Thank you. I will see you in heaven.

350
00:15:12,915 --> 00:15:14,915
Oh. No, no, wait. Please, please!

351
00:15:14,940 --> 00:15:17,807
We don't sell Wiggles tickets
to single men anymore, sir.

352
00:15:17,832 --> 00:15:20,068
What? No. No.

353
00:15:20,615 --> 00:15:21,699
Please say you can help me.

354
00:15:21,724 --> 00:15:23,324
My wife really wants Beyoncé tickets.

355
00:15:23,349 --> 00:15:25,916
And I really want a chair
back here, but life's not fair.

356
00:15:25,982 --> 00:15:27,648
It's sold out.

357
00:15:28,275 --> 00:15:29,756
Man.

358
00:15:30,568 --> 00:15:32,384
It's just that...

359
00:15:32,449 --> 00:15:34,382
... today is our Love-Aversary.

360
00:15:35,777 --> 00:15:37,110
Let me explain.

361
00:15:37,135 --> 00:15:38,585
The Love-Aversary is the anniver...

362
00:15:38,610 --> 00:15:42,112
Anniversary of when you
first said "I love you." Duh.

363
00:15:42,180 --> 00:15:44,413
Yes! Thank you.

364
00:15:44,415 --> 00:15:45,997
I celebrate that with my husband, too,

365
00:15:46,022 --> 00:15:48,117
but nobody ever knows
what we're talking about.

366
00:15:48,119 --> 00:15:50,286
Ah, and isn't it just a way
more important milestone

367
00:15:50,288 --> 00:15:52,222
than the first date?
Why don't more people do it?

368
00:15:52,247 --> 00:15:54,058
I guess the world is
running out of romantics.

369
00:15:54,083 --> 00:15:56,484
Ain't that the truth.

370
00:15:56,559 --> 00:15:58,851
Hmm. A couple of house seats
got released this morning.

371
00:15:59,000 --> 00:16:01,500
I was gonna scalp 'em,
but you seem like a sweet guy.

372
00:16:01,736 --> 00:16:03,736
And who am I to mess up a Love-Aversary?

373
00:16:04,306 --> 00:16:06,027
Oh. You're giving those to me?

374
00:16:06,052 --> 00:16:08,151
You charming,
but you ain't that charming.

375
00:16:08,573 --> 00:16:09,772
A hundred each.

376
00:16:09,774 --> 00:16:11,373
Oh. Yes. Of course.

377
00:16:11,375 --> 00:16:13,146
Thank you so much.

378
00:16:13,171 --> 00:16:14,770
She is gonna flip.

379
00:16:14,822 --> 00:16:18,057
Oh, oh, look at this, this is beautiful.

380
00:16:18,341 --> 00:16:20,242
Paper tickets with a...

381
00:16:20,328 --> 00:16:22,226
ah paper ticket smells

382
00:16:22,798 --> 00:16:26,057
Me and you, just two
human beings connecting. Huh?

383
00:16:26,549 --> 00:16:28,313
Oh, I'll tell you what,
you couldn't get this

384
00:16:28,338 --> 00:16:30,096
by clicking a button on your phone, huh?

385
00:16:30,121 --> 00:16:31,335
Mm-hmm. Phones are evil.

386
00:16:31,360 --> 00:16:32,921
I hate my friends because of Instagram.

387
00:16:32,946 --> 00:16:35,038
I know.

388
00:16:36,372 --> 00:16:37,838
Okay, you two, listen up.

389
00:16:37,942 --> 00:16:40,843
Leslie may be about
to find out she's a widow,

390
00:16:41,439 --> 00:16:43,548
a pregnant widow.

391
00:16:44,584 --> 00:16:48,137
And as Chip's boss, I feel
it falls on me to say...

392
00:16:48,903 --> 00:16:50,058
Vince, you do the talking.

393
00:16:51,967 --> 00:16:54,434
Keep in mind, there's an 80% chance

394
00:16:54,459 --> 00:16:56,392
that Leslie is the murderer.

395
00:16:57,697 --> 00:16:58,829
What are you basing that on?

396
00:16:58,893 --> 00:17:00,317
She's married to Chip.

397
00:17:03,473 --> 00:17:04,906
What are you guys doing here?

398
00:17:04,931 --> 00:17:05,996
Hey, man!

399
00:17:06,029 --> 00:17:07,629
Happy to see you alive!

400
00:17:07,765 --> 00:17:08,847
Thanks.

401
00:17:09,283 --> 00:17:11,950
Oh, Ms. Meadows, I'm so sorry
I didn't call into work today.

402
00:17:11,975 --> 00:17:12,983
I...

403
00:17:13,349 --> 00:17:15,216
What are you guys doing at my apartment?

404
00:17:15,428 --> 00:17:16,827
They thought you were dead,

405
00:17:16,852 --> 00:17:18,519
but it looks like you
were playing hooky.

406
00:17:18,836 --> 00:17:21,136
Huge mistake not being dead.

407
00:17:22,379 --> 00:17:24,513
Wait, so if you're so not dead,

408
00:17:24,586 --> 00:17:26,238
why was there a bloody
shirt in your desk?

409
00:17:26,430 --> 00:17:28,029
Bloody shirt?

410
00:17:28,227 --> 00:17:30,461
You mean the one covered in salsa?

411
00:17:32,755 --> 00:17:36,267
You can't taste the difference
between blood and salsa?

412
00:17:37,461 --> 00:17:38,908
I've never had salsa.

413
00:17:41,322 --> 00:17:43,532
What are you?

414
00:17:45,202 --> 00:17:47,124
Look, I'm sorry I worried you guys.

415
00:17:47,188 --> 00:17:49,655
I-I smashed my phone
yesterday, and, uh...

416
00:17:49,702 --> 00:17:51,574
... I actually had the best day
without it.

417
00:17:51,599 --> 00:17:52,738
Well, you got to let me know

418
00:17:52,763 --> 00:17:54,332
if you're gonna smash your phone, Chip.

419
00:17:54,357 --> 00:17:57,246
Here I am sending pie/treadmill
videos, getting nothing back.

420
00:17:58,184 --> 00:17:59,248
I'm sorry.

421
00:17:59,273 --> 00:18:00,293
I got to get some sleep.

422
00:18:01,640 --> 00:18:02,939
What's going on out here?

423
00:18:02,964 --> 00:18:05,264
Whoa! Watch your backs, people!

424
00:18:06,139 --> 00:18:08,005
Let it go, Cheryl. Damn.

425
00:18:10,261 --> 00:18:14,897
I, uh, I was actually about
to tell these guys that, uh,

426
00:18:14,899 --> 00:18:17,873
I got the woman I love... these.

427
00:18:17,898 --> 00:18:19,264
Tickets to Beyoncé?!

428
00:18:21,930 --> 00:18:23,955
- Happy Love-Aversary.
- Oh

429
00:18:24,112 --> 00:18:26,244
- What the hell is a Love-Aversary?
- It's when...

430
00:18:26,315 --> 00:18:28,597
You know what, don't tell me.
It's just gonna piss me off.

431
00:18:29,456 --> 00:18:31,050
I am leaving now.

432
00:18:31,075 --> 00:18:32,929
And happy whatever.

433
00:18:33,005 --> 00:18:34,538
Well, wait a minute.

434
00:18:34,586 --> 00:18:35,818
You know, we're all here,

435
00:18:35,843 --> 00:18:37,876
and we don't really hang out
outside of work.

436
00:18:38,622 --> 00:18:40,389
Les, you all right if these guys come in

437
00:18:40,391 --> 00:18:41,757
and have a celebratory drink?

438
00:18:41,759 --> 00:18:44,093
I got my Beyoncé tickets,
they can do whatever they want.

439
00:18:44,964 --> 00:18:47,105
Plus, you got that big basket
of salami inside, so...

440
00:18:47,159 --> 00:18:49,352
Oh, I wasn't gonna tell
them about the salami.

441
00:18:51,335 --> 00:18:53,136
But, uh, yeah, come on in, gang,

442
00:18:53,161 --> 00:18:54,671
and, uh, celebrate our love with us.

443
00:18:54,696 --> 00:18:55,702
Oh!

444
00:18:55,727 --> 00:18:56,741
How about this?

445
00:18:56,766 --> 00:18:58,098
Let's turn off our phones, huh?

446
00:18:58,542 --> 00:18:59,875
Fat chance.

447
00:19:00,722 --> 00:19:02,578
Here. Would you take these,
please? Thank you.

448
00:19:02,580 --> 00:19:04,722
Ooh, is that the cheese you
don't have to refrigerate?

449
00:19:08,152 --> 00:19:09,826
Thank you so much for my tickets.

450
00:19:09,851 --> 00:19:11,818
I can't imagine what you
went through to get them.

451
00:19:11,921 --> 00:19:13,693
Oh, well, you won't have to imagine it

452
00:19:13,718 --> 00:19:15,921
because a teenager filmed me
and I'm sure you'll be able

453
00:19:15,946 --> 00:19:17,428
to check it out on YouTube.

454
00:19:18,045 --> 00:19:19,378
Happy Love-Aversary, baby.

455
00:19:19,997 --> 00:19:21,514
Oh, you, too.

456
00:19:22,073 --> 00:19:25,041
Oh, I'll tell you what, my
little old-school adventure

457
00:19:25,066 --> 00:19:28,467
was so rewarding today
and I-I just really got

458
00:19:28,492 --> 00:19:30,692
to experience every minute of it

459
00:19:30,717 --> 00:19:33,643
because I wasn't buried
in my stupid phone.

460
00:19:33,668 --> 00:19:35,627
Oh, my God. Look where section seven is.

461
00:19:36,714 --> 00:19:38,005
I'm just kidding.

462
00:19:39,357 --> 00:19:41,427
I love you more
than the first time I said it.

463
00:19:41,452 --> 00:19:42,577
Aw.

464
00:19:45,923 --> 00:19:47,674
All right, come on.

465
00:19:48,518 --> 00:19:51,852
Oh, come on, Cheryl.
At least cut the salami.

466
00:19:56,779 --> 00:19:58,591
You sure you're not upset
I'm going to Beyoncé

467
00:19:58,616 --> 00:20:00,243
- with someone else?
- No. I want you

468
00:20:00,282 --> 00:20:02,674
to go with somebody who's a fan.

469
00:20:02,770 --> 00:20:04,973
I'm just gonna finish
my column on false idols.

470
00:20:05,029 --> 00:20:06,929
And to honor your false idol,

471
00:20:06,985 --> 00:20:10,353
I am having a glass of lemonade.

472
00:20:12,737 --> 00:20:13,862
Use a coaster.

473
00:20:13,887 --> 00:20:15,354
You don't want to put a ring on it.

474
00:20:15,379 --> 00:20:17,045
Oh.

475
00:20:17,889 --> 00:20:19,288
Oh.

476
00:20:29,763 --> 00:20:31,855
I appreciate the invite, Leslie.

477
00:20:32,011 --> 00:20:34,478
Are we pregaming here or
going straight to the Hive?

478
00:20:36,395 --> 00:20:39,130
Oh, Hive, absolutely.

479
00:20:40,467 --> 00:20:41,963
Are you wearing glitter?

480
00:20:42,075 --> 00:20:43,358
Are you not?

481
00:20:48,475 --> 00:20:53,496
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